Redemption-Book 1: Re-Emergence
by evitascarlett
Summary: No one told Johanna that picking up the pieces and moving on would be easy…but they never said it would be this hard either. A sequel to Apologize; dealing with the fallout and aftermath of Bracken's arrest as the family tries to heal and move on. Warning: This is a Johanna centric story. Cover art by LordofKavaka
1. Chapter 1

_Authors Note: Here we are, once again. I decided a clean slate was best and so we're starting over; in these early chapters there won't be a lot of changes but there are some differences; some things have been cut, others rearranged, new scenes added in some areas. This story is still Johanna's; you're not going to get a large Caskett focused story here so if that bothers you, stop right here. This is about Johanna's journey; yes Kate and Rick are apart of that and they will be included, but don't look for a bunch of fluff scenes featuring them because there won't be many. This story is listed as drama and family; I do hope to progress their relationship in certain places but I'm not overly concerned with keeping them on an even keel with Johanna's scenes. There will be characters from Reflections mentioned in these chapters of book 1 (I'm splitting the story into books); if you don't like Reflections, you probably won't like this story, feel free to move on. This story is a sequel and companion to Apologize (and Reflections) but is in no way an exact replica of Apologize; they are different stories and trying to shove Redemption into the same box as Apologize won't work; Redemption is it's own story, please keep in mind that you're not reading a clone of Apologize but rather a story that connects to it. To those of you who are staying around for the ride, I can't thank you enough for sticking by me and I hope you'll still find enjoyment here. I've split up the original first chapter; some things you remember may not appear until chapter 2. Please bear with me as I make adjustments and rework things. Thank you for your patience and support._

Chapter 1 – This Town

" _Hold on, until the feeling is so strong, that the ground that you walk on is where you stand" – Clare Bowen_

No one had told her that moving on would be easy. No one told her that the fallout would be easily handled; in fact she was sure she had been subtly warned. No; no one had told her it would be easy to pick up the pieces and move on…but no one had told her it would be this hard either, Johanna Beckett mused as she sat cross legged in the middle of her bed, flipping channels, doing her best not to stop on news channels and talk shows. Avoiding those things limited the amount of options she had for entertainment, but finally she found a rerun of the Rockford Files. She dropped the remote onto the bed and tried to focus her attention on the show, but she heard her husband's footsteps on the stairs. "Are they still out there?" she asked as he entered the room.

"Yeah; they're still out there," Jim answered. "I don't think there's as many today though."

She eyed him knowingly. "That's what you tell me every day."

"It's true every time I say it."

"Then how come the number always looks the same to me when I look out the window at our collection of media clowns on the sidewalk?"

He shrugged. "Maybe you need to put your glasses on."

"I need glasses for small print; not to see people," she remarked as she flicked a piece of lint from the knee of her black pants. She hated this. Why couldn't the media just leave them alone? She wasn't going to talk; didn't they get that yet?

"It's alright, Jo," Jim said as he sat down beside her and laid a hand on her leg, giving it a light squeeze.

"No it's not," she murmured. "I feel like the main attraction at the freak show."

Her husband smiled and brushed a kiss against her cheek. "You're too pretty to be in a freak show, sweetheart."

"Well I feel like I'm in one," Johanna replied as she laid the remote on the nightstand and then shifted to lean back against her pillows.

Once the news had broke that she was alive, she had felt like she had gone on display. The neighbors stared and acted like she had the plague. The media was insistent with their demands for interviews, comments and photos, and they camped outside the house nearly every day, waiting for the moment when she would come outside. She frowned as she remembered the first time she had seen her face and Kate's splashed across newspapers and the television. It was difficult to pick up the pieces when you knew the whole world was watching you; waiting to see what you might do...or how you might screw up next.

It wasn't supposed to be like this…she was home now; had been for a month and a handful of days…stress and tension should've been a thing of the past by now; at least that was what she had convinced herself of, but as always the universe had proved her wrong. Senator Bracken's brother, Adam, had taken great glee in being the one to announce to the world that Detective Kate's Beckett's mother was alive and well, fresh from witness protection and deeply involved in the arrest of the sinister Senator, as she privately called him. She blew out a breath, evil nicknames aside, she had found herself thrust into the limelight…and she hated it. This media storm had been raging for weeks and showed no signs of stopping as Adam Bracken kept things whipped into a frenzy. The attention only served to increase her anxieties as the outside world did its damnedest to pry into her life. It was hard to work through things when you were being hounded. It was hard to heal when the greatest agony of your life was being told over and over on television, being dissected by journalists and talk show hosts. It wasn't easy to settle back into normal life when the media followed you…when they set up camp outside your home. It wasn't supposed to be this way. In a city as large as New York, she should've been able to sink back into anonymity without much trouble…but nothing ever went as planned.

She wasn't supposed to still feel like a hostage…but she did; it was a different type, but it felt confining all the same. In Wyoming, she had been imprisoned by the rules of the F.B.I. and her reluctance to make up a detailed back story that would make things easier when it came to being social. She hadn't wanted to lie anymore than she already was, so she stayed to herself, waiting for the right moment that would bring her home. Once her feet had touched the soil of New York, she had felt a brief sense of freedom…and then that feeling of being a hostage; albeit, a different type, over took her as she found herself locked in Kate's apartment more often than not and living under her daughter's rules. She didn't regret it. She didn't resent it; she understood why things had to be the way they were at Kate's, but once in awhile she had felt that feeling of being confined. Now she was home with Jim and she was supposed to be free…but the world at large and her own anxieties made her feel like a hostage in her own home. Once again, it felt like being a different kind of hostage; one more easily dealt with since she was now allowed the comfort of her own home and the company of her husband…but still, it was a lot of weight to carry and her shoulders ached from the load.

Johanna glanced at Jim as he settled back against his pillows; he was dealing with the media pressure better than she was…at least for the moment, she mused. He was doing everything he could to make her comfortable, to ease her fears, to keep her shielded. He was being so understanding of her worries and fears...but she knew he had to be feeling the strain as much as she was. She worried about that; she didn't want to cause him more distress than she already had…and now it was right there at his door.

"Are you going to hide up here again all day?" Jim asked, breaking the silence that had fallen between them.

"I'm not hiding," Johanna retorted; tension lacing her tone. "And even if I was, I don't do it all day."

"What do you call it then?" he asked. "The blinds are closed downstairs and the doors are locked. They can't get to you or see you."

She sighed. "I know...but I hate having the blinds closed during the daytime. It makes me feel closed in. I like the sun to come in and warm things up...but I can't risk leaving them open because God only knows what kind of privacy invading cameras they have. At least up here I can have the blinds open and know that no one can see me...and I know this doesn't make much sense but I feel safer here; less exposed."

"I understand," he replied as he dropped an arm around her. She was having a hard time with all of the attention upon her, and he figured it was best not to push the issue for now. She was right anyway; she wasn't upstairs the entire day. She did go downstairs to cook and clean and she had no problem spending the evenings in the living room. It was just the mornings and afternoons when she wanted to watch TV that she chose to retreat back upstairs to hide in their bedroom...and that was only on the days when the media was outside their door.

"I'm sorry," she whispered.

"For what?"

"For everything humanly possible," she answered; a soft humorless laugh escaping her lips.

He rubbed her arm. "I thought we already talked about that…and about how you don't have to keep apologizing."

"We did talk about it; but it didn't make me feel any better."

"You told me it did."

"The feeling was fleeting," she answered; not bothering to mention that she had only told him she felt better so they could drop the subject.

"We'll have to work on making that feeling permanent instead of fleeting."

Johanna moved closer and laid her head on his shoulder as her arm went around him. "Does this mean we aren't going out tonight?" she asked; bringing the topic back around to their unwanted guests outside.

He heard a note of hopefulness in her voice and he wasn't sure if she was hoping that they were or hoping that they weren't. She still suffered from a small amount of anxiety any time they left the house and he noticed that if she could avoid going, she would…especially now with the media after her. He didn't want her to live with the constant fear that she wouldn't get to come home if she left the house for an hour or two and he had been making it a point to take her to dinner at least once a week, and to drag her out to do errands as often as he could.

"Which are you hoping for?" he asked; his tone alluding to the fact that he knew that she was most likely hoping to stay in.

"Either way is fine with me," she answered.

"I have a feeling one scenario is more fine than the other."

"It's not so bad to want to stay home."

"It is when you want to do it all the time. I know you're afraid but..."

"I'm not afraid," she interrupted; although deep inside she knew she that was still a little afraid every time she had to walk out the door.

"Jo," he said; his tone saying everything without the need for words.

She closed her eyes. "I know; it's stupid."

"It's not stupid; it's just something we have to keep working on."

"Maybe I need my own car," she commented. She felt like she might be able to get over her fear faster if she was able to go out when the urge struck her. She also wanted to get over the fear of leaving the house and going by herself. She felt like if she could conquer that, then maybe all of her anxieties about leaving her home would abate and she could get back to normal.

"You don't need a car," Jim remarked.

"But when we were in Wyoming, you said I could bring my car with me, and when I said I'd rather get a new one once I got home, you said I could."

"I know, but I don't think you need to be out on your own right now."

She frowned. "I need a car, Jim. The other day, I wanted to go to the store to get a few things and you weren't home. I could've gone if I had my own car. Maybe I'd get over this thing faster if I had a little more independence."

Jim squeezed her shoulder; he was battling his own fears and he wasn't ready to let her go anywhere alone just yet. "Sweetheart, we'll get you over this. You don't need a car right now. Maybe when things settle down."

She released a weighted breath. "Jim, the only way either one of us is going to feel better about this is if I make myself walk out the door and get in the car and drive myself to the store or to Macy's or even to Katie's and then come back...all on my own."

He pressed a kiss against her hair. "No, Johanna. I'm not letting you go out alone. We're going to go out tonight as planned...and if we're followed, we'll just do what we've been doing. We'll ignore it and keep walking."

"Okay," she replied; resigning herself to the idea of going out; but the thought was in her mind that he was going to hang on to her a little too tight. It wasn't that she didn't appreciate his protectiveness of her; she did and loved him for it. She also knew that he harbored his own fears about letting her go out on her own and she understood and respected those fears...in a lot of ways they were probably very similar to her own. But if he held on too tight, it wasn't going to help her and eventually it would become an issue between them. For now, she would drop it, she thought as she remained cuddled against him. Why borrow trouble when she already had plenty out on the sidewalk. She wondered how Katie was faring; after all, the media was hounding her just as much and she couldn't help but feel guilty about that.

Johanna breathed deeply and exhaled slowly; wherever in the city her daughter was, she hoped she was safe and wasn't being hassled.

* * *

"No comment," Kate Beckett said firmly as she pushed her way through the reporters that had somehow found a way to follow her to her latest crime scene.

"What was it like to find out your mother had been lying to you for thirteen years?" one of them called after her as she strutted down the sidewalk in hopes of reaching her car as quickly as possible. She could hear Ryan and Esposito heading off the vultures, as she privately called the hordes of reporters that made it their business to make her life hell these days. Her ears took note of the heavy footsteps that fell into step along side her and she didn't have to look to know that Castle had slipped into place.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

She said nothing as she casually but quickly approached the driver's side of the car and jerked the door open and slipped inside. Castle slid into the passenger's seat and glanced at her as she put the key in the ignition. "No; I'm not okay," she answered. "I can't stand it. I don't know how you stand it."

He gave a shrug. "I'm used to media attention; it doesn't bother me."

"That's what I mean," she remarked. "How can you stand having these people in your business? How do you get used to it?"

He was quiet as he pondered the answer. "I think that when you choose a path in life that puts you in the public eye; you get used to it because you expected it, you signed up for it. I chose this life. You; on the other hand, didn't choose to be in the public eye. You were thrust into it...and being thrust into it makes you want to rebel against it; that's your nature."

"Is it wrong?" she asked.

"No...but they're not going to go away, Kate."

"They may as well; I'm not going to talk to them. I'm not giving interviews; I'm not doing photo-shoots. I just want to be left alone."

"I understand that; but maybe you should release a statement. It doesn't have to be anything profound or in depth. Just something small and maybe it will get them to ease up on you some."

"I made a statement," Kate replied.

He smiled indulgently. "No comment doesn't count."

"I'm not making a statement, Castle. They're not going to be satisfied with that. They want it all and I'm not giving it to them."

"I'm not saying that you have to give them everything; just give them a little something."

"Giving something will only make them want more," she said once again as she turned the key and started the engine.

"It was just a suggestion."

"I've taken your suggestion into consideration and decided to disregard it...but I still love you anyway."

He smiled; his hand falling to her knee and giving it a gentle squeeze. "That's good to know. I was afraid you'd accuse me of being on the other side."

"I know you're not on the other side."

"You do?"

She nodded as she shot a quick glance at him. "Yeah; you don't really have any choice but to be on my side."

"Is that so?" he asked; amusement coloring his tone.

"It is if you want to keep sleeping with me."

He laughed. "When you put it that way; you definitely shouldn't make a statement...unless the statement is to me and it involves the words 'ravish me now'."

"Ravish me now?" she laughed. "Have you been reading bodice rippers?"

"Of course not," he replied. "Rook just happens to be writing one in my current chapter."

"I hope he's not looking for that one to be a bestseller."

"I'm offended on Rook's behalf."

"Can I help it if Rook isn't the great writer that Richard Castle is?" she replied teasingly.

Her writer grinned. "I like how you did that, Detective; your flattery is clearly false but you said it such a way that I can convince myself that it's true."

"Ego stroking at it's finest," Kate remarked.

"I'm surprised you didn't write that on me with the Sharpie."

She shot him a grin. "I still could."

Castle smiled widely and was about to comment about what he might write on her but changed his mind as the precinct came into view. "We shouldn't discuss the Sharpies now."

"Why not?"

"Because we're here now...and I can't be that kind of excited here."

Kate laughed. "Good point. We'll put the Sharpie talk on hold."

"How about we go out to dinner tonight?" he asked.

"I'd love to," she answered as she parked. "But what about the media?"

"We were able to go out without detection the other night," he replied. "There's no reason that we can't have the same luck tonight."

"But what if we don't?"

"Kate; I know you worry about us being seen because of Gates, but you don't need to worry. We play the friend card for her. There's no law that says two friends can't go out to dinner together, is there?"

"No."

"And we can be careful while we're in public. We'll save the good stuff for when we're alone," he said; giving her an exaggerated leer.

She smiled. "You're right. I'm sorry; I know I'm..."

"You don't need to be sorry," he interrupted. "I know things aren't easy right now...and I have one other suggestion that might take a little pressure off of you."

"What?"

"They want a picture of you and your mother together."

"Castle," she sighed.

"Wait, hear me out," he said; holding up a hand to stop her words. "Let me take a picture of you and Johanna and tweet it. That way it's informal and it's on your terms...and maybe it will get them off her back too."

She reached for his hand and squeezed it. "I don't know, Rick."

"Just think about it, okay."

"Okay," she promised. "I'll think about it."

"Let me know when you're ready."

Kate smiled. "You're that sure I'm going to give in?"

He grinned. "You always give in to me eventually; you just can't help yourself."

She rolled her eyes but a smile touched her lips. "Let's get back to work."

* * *

As they entered the bullpen, Castle detoured to the break room to take a call and Kate headed to her desk.

"Beckett," Esposito said minutes later as he approached her.

She glanced up at him. "You couldn't have found something this fast unless the killer came in and confessed."

He smirked. "We're not that lucky."

"That's what I thought," she replied as Ryan stepped into place beside his partner. "So since we don't have a confession, what is it?"

The boys shared a look, silently asking each other if they really wanted to broach this subject. Chances were she wouldn't like what they were going to suggest.

"Guys," Kate prodded.

"We were thinking," Esposito began and then trailed off.

Kate eyed them. "That's almost as dangerous as when Castle thinks," she quipped; trying to ease the tension she could feel growing. They clearly had something on their minds and it wasn't case related. "What's this about?"

"About this media presence in your life," Ryan stated as he picked up the dialogue.

Her brow rose. "What about it?"

Ryan gave Esposito a subtle nod and look that seemed to convey the sentiment, "Your turn."

"Well we know how much of a nuisance it is for you when they find you at crime scenes," Esposito continued. "And we were thinking that if you wanted to hang back and lay low here at the precinct for awhile until things calm down, that we could handle the crime scenes."

She shook her head. "Why would I want to do that?"

"Because no matter where we go, they seem to find you somehow," Ryan remarked; "And we know it's distracting and...we just thought maybe it would be better for you to stay here for awhile."

Kate glanced away for a moment, her teeth sinking into her bottom lip. This intrusion into her life was an intrusion into their lives as well, she thought to herself. They were growing tired of having to chase off reporters for her while trying to do their jobs at the same time. It was unfair to them and suddenly she felt like a burden...and that wasn't a feeling she enjoyed.

"Guys, I'm sorry about all of this and how you've gotten dragged into it. It's an annoyance we don't need, but it's my problem, not yours and from now on, I'm going to handle it. You just do your jobs...and I'm going to do mine, they aren't going to stop me."

Esposito and Ryan had a feeling that they had been misunderstood. It wasn't a problem to shoo away the pests; it was her safety that concerned them. The two men had discussed this worry more than once as neither of them trusted Bracken, despite the fact that he was behind bars. He still had power; he still had people willing to do his bidding...like his brother Adam.

Adam Bracken was a pompous windbag; confident in his idea that he'd be able to free his brother...and therefore become a hero in his own right. In Esposito's opinion, Adam Bracken was akin to a cockroach; and he didn't doubt for a moment that the man would do anything his brother asked. Ryan had agreed with that assessment and their main concern was that an assassin could masquerade as a reporter and get close enough to her to carry out a vendetta. Bracken would most likely want revenge, and neither man felt that Bracken's quest to see the Beckett women dead had been quelled. They felt that if revenge was in the air, that Beckett was the likely target. Killing Beckett would be revenge against her herself...but killing her would also serve as the best form of revenge against Johanna.

Ryan and Esposito didn't share this theory with her, nor would they. There was a chance that it was completely unfounded and a product of their own paranoia. They didn't want to worry her more than she already was...because she didn't fool either one of them for a minute. They had worked together too long, they knew her too well. She was worried; about what exactly, they weren't sure, but it was there and they were on alert in regard to her worry and theirs. They just wanted to help keep her safe.

"Listen," Esposito stated his tone low and serious; "I don't have a problem telling these creeps to take their cameras and get lost. I could do that all day long. Hell, if I could, I'd fire a few shots at them. Just like when your mom called the other day; we went over there and told them to get the hell off her lawn. No problem..."

"Wait," Kate said; holding up a hand. "My mother called you?"

"Yeah; she said your dad wasn't home and that she figured since they saw him leave that they thought they'd be brave and inch their way up to the door."

"Why didn't she call the police?" she asked.

Esposito and Ryan gave her affronted looks. "She did," Ryan stated. "She called us."

"You're in homicide; not crowd control and trespassing."

"Well if we had gone over there and someone was trying to get through that door at her, there would've been a homicide," Esposito remarked; "Because I would've shot them, so we would've ended up there anyway."

"Besides," Ryan added; "We'd rather she call us than someone else. At least if it's us, we know the job is getting done and that she's fine."

Kate smiled. "She didn't tell me about this...but I appreciate that you went over there and took care of things."

"We have her back," Esposito replied. "Just like we have yours."

"Thank you," she said sincerely.

"I just remembered something," Ryan said. "We weren't supposed to tell you that she called...that's why she didn't mention it to you."

"Oh yeah, I forgot about that," his partner responded before looking back at Beckett. "You didn't hear any of this from us."

She rolled her eyes. "Why wasn't I supposed to know?"

"She doesn't want you to worry."

Kate rubbed her fingers across her forehead and then eyed them. "She fed you, didn't she?"

Ryan smiled. "It was a reward."

"A reward?"

"Yeah," Esposito answered. "We got rid of the reporters, made sure her doors and windows were secure; made sure that her gun was loaded and promised not to tell you or your dad anything about it. On the way out, she handed us a box of freshly baked cookies."

"Don't tell her we told you," Ryan commented.

Kate smirked. "Oh I won't; I wouldn't want to cut off your cookie supply."

"We appreciate that," Esposito replied.

A thought occurred to her then and she had to voice it. "Did my mother put you up to this idea of me staying at my desk instead of going to crime scenes?"

"No," both men answered; sincerity in both of their voices. "That's our idea," Ryan told her. "We just thought it might be best; we don't want you to get hurt because they're distracting you."

"You could just lay low for awhile," Esposito said once again. "We could handle the crime scene; and Castle could be here with you..."

"What, like my babysitter?" she asked; sudden annoyance flaring in her veins.

"No; it's not like that...it was just something to think about," he replied.

Kate shook her head. "No. I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to hide at my desk and let you two do all of the work while Castle baby-sits me. It's not happening. I appreciate the concern but I'm not changing my life because of this. I can handle it; I'm not distracted, I'm not going to get hurt. I'm fine...and this discussion is closed. Now let's get to work; Ryan, get that security footage screened. Esposito, start digging into financials."

They both gave a nod and walked away; they had known all long it would end up this way, but at least they had tried.

"What was that all about?" Castle asked as he settled into his chair.

"They want to chain me to my desk with you as my babysitter until the media backs off," she replied; her jaw tight with tension. "That's not happening."

"I figured that."

She glanced at him. "What? Do you agree with them? Do you think I need to hide out here because some jackass with a camera might spot me?"

Castle shook his head. "No, not at all. Don't think about it if it's going to upset you. Think about dinner tonight instead."

The thought brought a smile to her lips. "I'm looking forward to it."

"Good; now just keep focusing on that and forget about that little invasion at the crime scene. You don't have to worry about that here."

She gave a nod and took a deep breath and exhaled it slowly; focusing her mind back on her job. She had a case to solve and a date later; that was plenty to think about.

* * *

Johanna fussed with a strand of hair as she stood in front of the mirror that evening; finally finagling it into place and then fiddled with the diamond encrusted heart pendent that hung around her neck. Her stomach was in knots; as it always was when she thought about leaving the safety of home. An arm slipped around her waist; pulling her from her thoughts as she caught sight of Jim's reflection in the mirror as he stood behind her.

"You look beautiful," he stated, his voice close to her ear.

A small smile touched her lips. "You think so?"

Her husband nodded; his fingers gently fisting the soft burgundy material of her dress. "I like this."

"You'll wrinkle the material," she admonished lightly; prying his fingers loose from her dress.

"I don't mind," he quipped as he brushed his lips against her temple.

"I'm sure you don't mind; you wouldn't be the one looking unkempt."

Jim chuckled as he pressed a kiss against her neck. "I prefer your hair down, but having it up does have its advantages," he remarked; another kiss landing against her skin.

"Oh, and what would that be?"

"I don't have to waste time brushing it out of the way."

She smiled and turned towards him; her hand sliding against his chest before she looped her arms around his neck. "Do you want to stay home?" she asked; a suggestive lilt in her voice.

He caught her lips in a kiss. "That's a very appealing offer but the rule has always been that on date nights, I have to buy you dinner first."

Johanna shrugged. "Rules are made for breaking."

"Nice try, sweetheart."

She frowned slightly. "So you don't want to stay home with me? I'll let you wrinkle my dress."

"I'll wrinkle it later," he promised. "Are you ready?"

She nodded and slipped out of his arms; picking up her evening bag from the dresser. "I guess so. Are they still out there?"

"No; no one's around. I think they gave up on us for today."

"We've thought that before."

Jim brushed a hand along her back. "It's going to be fine. I don't see anyone around out front. The car is out back, we can take the long way around to get out of the neighborhood just in case someone is lurking somewhere."

She blew out a breath. "Okay."

"Do you have your glasses?" Jim asked with a nod towards her purse.

"I'm pretty sure I put them in there," she replied.

"Check and see."

She smirked at him as she opened her bag. "I guess this means you don't want to read the menu to me again."

Her husband laughed. "You accused me of making half of it up."

"You were! I can squint well enough in candlelight to tell that much."

"I couldn't resist teasing you a little," he admitted as she pulled the red case that held her glasses from her purse and opened it to see if they were inside.

"I have them," she stated; closing the case and shoving it back into her bag.

"Good; I don't like to see you squint. You're going to make your eyes worse."

Johanna smirked at him. "Thanks for the lecture, Mom."

"Hey, let's not get insulting," he retorted in mock defense; giving her a gentle swat against her backside as she walked away.

She threw him a sassy look over her shoulder, "Fine; then keep your hand off my ass. You haven't bought me dinner yet."

Jim laughed and hurried to catch up with her; wrapping an arm around her waist as they descended the stairs. "Now let's not forget that lovely evening we had after your sister's wedding when you told me that I could put my hand anywhere I wanted. You didn't mention anything about buying you dinner first that night."

"I guess not, I was drunk. Besides, you're the one that said it had been the rule. I offered to break to the rule, but you declined...deals off and now you must buy dinner," she stated as he held out her jacket for her to slip into.

"I believe that's also what you told me about your proposal from that night," he recalled.

Johanna sighed. "You're never going to let me live that down, are you?"

Jim shook his head. "It isn't likely."

"That's what I thought."

"Ready?" he asked; holding out his hand to her once they had made the trek to the back door. She took a deep breath to quell her nerves as she slipped her hand into his.

He watched her intently from the corner of his eye as he made sure the door locked behind them. Her hesitation before stepping outside the door had been a mere split second, which was an improvement as she usually found some way to stall.

As she stood on the porch next to him, her gaze darted around; scanning the area for cameras or reporters or anyone else who just wanted to get a look at her. "No one's here," he said quietly as he retook her hand and guided her to the car.

"I'm sorry," she murmured while he opened the passenger side door for her.

"Don't be. I know it makes you uneasy. I look around more now too; but you don't need to worry. I'm not going to let anyone get to you, Jo."

She gave him a smile; hating herself for being as skittish as a kitten when it came to going out in public now that world knew of her existence. She thought the fear would go away once Bracken was sitting behind bars...but it still lingered; and it took on new faces and roles. She was still afraid that something would come along and take her away from home and her family again; and that fear could feel suffocating at times. She just needed to try harder, she thought as buckled her seatbelt while Jim settled into the driver's seat.

"You okay?" he asked.

"I'm fine," she smiled. "Let's go."

He could hear the slight undertone of anxiety in her voice but he allowed it to pass without comment. She was putting on her brave face...he couldn't ask her to take it off. It was just going to take a little time for her to adjust. Thirteen years spent living a lie and among people who didn't know you wasn't freedom; and added to that were the months she had spent locked away in Kate's apartment out of necessity. Of course she was going to be nervous and apt to want to stay in. She just had to re-learn how to have her freedom to come and go as she pleased...and to know that she was going to be returning home every day.

She just needed time and patience, Jim thought to himself as he cast a quick glance at her while she fiddled with the radio. He would help her, she would be just fine once she felt secure again...and making her feel secure was his top priority.

* * *

"What was that call you got today after we got back to the precinct?" Kate asked during her dinner date with Castle that night. "It seemed like it annoyed you, whatever it is."

"It was Paula," he answered. "It was a book signing in LA that I postponed over the summer…she rescheduled it…it conveniently coincides with the new release date."

"Are you going to do it?"

"Yeah, I don't have much choice."

"When is it?"

"Next weekend."

Kate's brow rose. "When were you planning on telling me?"

"Tonight…or tomorrow," Castle said sheepishly.

She gave him a small smile. "Castle, you don't have to act like you're afraid to tell me these things. I know you have to be away sometimes; I mean we have been through this before."

"Yeah but that was different."

"How so?"

"We weren't together then."

"That doesn't mean I missed you any less," Kate remarked.

He nodded. "I always miss you too…but I hate to leave you; especially now with everything that's going on."

Kate subtly brushed her fingertips against his hand, erring on the side of caution as she kept their fellow diners in mind. "I'll be fine…and I'm sure you'll call every chance you get, right?"

"You know I will," Castle replied. "And you're more than welcome to stay at the loft while I'm gone."

"That's okay; I can go back to my place while you're gone."

"You should stay at the loft; Mother will be there...you know, because she pledged never to leave me after we dropped Alexis off at her dorm room. I'm sure she'd love it if you stayed."

"She might want some time alone with you away and Alexis at Columbia."

He shook his head. "Martha Rodgers doesn't like being alone too often. She'd love the company. Besides, since Gates saw that picture of you leaving the loft early that one morning and you told her you were staying in my guest room because my building was more secure against the press; staying there with Mother while I'm away might be a good way of convincing her that your story is the truth. I have noticed her watching us more closely."

"I know," she replied. "That's why I want us to be so careful in public. I figure if she doesn't see any evidence, she can't prove anything and I did mention that Martha lives with you when I was lying to her about where exactly I sleep."

"I know, and I think that mentioning Mother helped our story. So I think you need to consider it, not just for that reason, but also because you are better protected at my place."

He made valid points and she couldn't argue with them. "I'll think about it."

"Good…and if it makes you feel uncomfortable, you could always spend a night at your mother's."

Kate met his eye. "I don't need a babysitter while you're away."

"I know that; I was just making a suggestion…there does seem to be power in numbers given the way things are."

"I'm not staying with my mother."

Castle glanced at her. "She stayed with you for a whole summer."

"Exactly; our mommy and me time is over…especially with the media breathing down our necks. Space is best."

He gave a nod; knowing better than to push the subject of her need of distance…at least he wasn't the one she wanted space from; that was worthy of celebration in his book.

It grew quiet for a minute and then she caught his eye. "I'll miss you," she said softly.

"I'll miss you too," he replied. "But you don't have to miss me yet; we still have tonight and plenty more nights before our brief separation."

Kate nodded; she wouldn't think about it right now. For now, she'd just enjoy.

* * *

"I feel like people are staring at me," Johanna said quietly as she looked over her menu.

"They're not," Jim assured; although as his gaze darted around the room, he did notice a few people looking towards their table. He prayed that they didn't recognize them from the newspapers and television…he prayed even harder that if they did recognize them, that someone wouldn't call and tip off the press about their whereabouts. They hadn't been followed as far as he had been able to tell and he was hoping this trip would go much smoother than the last.

"It sure does feel like they are," his wife commented softly.

He smiled at her. "Sweetheart, the only person staring at you is me and I don't intend to stop; but you should be used to that by now."

Her lips curved upwards in a soft smile. "As long as it's you, I don't mind. I just don't like other people doing it…which of course makes me sound like your mother and that's not a nice thought to live with."

"Just think of it this way, your reasons are different than hers were so it's not the same at all."

Johanna thought about that for a moment and then nodded. "I think I can live with that."

"Good; I wouldn't want it keeping you up all night."

She smirked at him but it faded to a frown as she pulled off her reading glasses. "I hate having to wear glasses."

"I don't see why," Jim replied. "You don't have to wear them all the time; and besides, I think you look cute with them on."

"Well I think they make me look old."

He shook his head. "You're still as beautiful as you were the day I met you."

Johanna laughed softly. "I wish that was true."

"It is," her husband insisted.

She didn't have a chance to comment as the waiter appeared to take their orders and once he disappeared, Jim picked up their conversation.

"Do you remember the first time I took you to dinner?"

Johanna swallowed the sip of water she had taken and then sat the glass aside. "Dating, just friends, or business wise?"

He chuckled softly. "I meant the first time ever."

She nodded. "We had dinner together because of a case that I was assigned to work on with you. We went to that little diner that wasn't far from the office. I think we spent a total of twenty minutes discussing the case and the rest of the time we spent talking about everything else."

"What can I say, you fascinated me," Jim replied.

She smiled. "I was fascinated too...I still am."

"That's good to know," her husband answered as he took her hand and gazed into her eyes. "How long had we known each other at that point?"

"Three months," she responded; "And I'm sure the employees at that diner felt like we lingered for three months at that table."

He laughed quietly. "We always did have a habit of lingering."

Her fingers moved against his in an intimate caress as she held his gaze. "I've always enjoyed lingering with you," she told him; her tone soft and loving.

Jim brought her hand to his lips and pressed a tender kiss against her smooth skin. "In that case, we'll linger at every given opportunity."

"You won't hear any complaints from me," Johanna replied softly; her troubles temporarily forgotten.

* * *

As Kate was making her way back from the ladies room later that evening, she saw that Castle was in discussion with the manager as he remained seated at their table. She knew that he was friends with the man but the conversation looked serious and it put her on edge as she retook her chair.

"Is there a problem?" she asked as she caught Castle's eye.

"Not a problem per se," he answered.

"But there is something wrong?" Kate remarked as she regarded him with a raised brow.

He hesitated for the merest of seconds before answering her. "Renaldo has spotted a few reporters and photographers outside...now that doesn't necessarily mean they're waiting for us. It could be anyone."

"But with the way my luck runs, the chances of that are slim, right?" Kate replied.

He gave her a sheepish look. "We can always hope."

She sighed deeply; this was already getting old. "How did they find us? I kept checking for a tail on our way here and I didn't see anything."

"I don't know, Kate. One of my fans might've spotted me and tweeted where I was and that I was with someone. Someone in here could be a member of the press and sent a tip to their newsroom that we're here or someone could've recognized you or both of us and posted it online while waiting for their meal. It could've happened in any number of ways."

Kate's studious gaze flicked to the silent Renaldo. "It wouldn't have been a member of your staff, would it?"

"Of course not!" the man exclaimed in a hushed voice. "My staff is aware that we cater to a high profile clientele and they are well versed in our privacy policies. They know the penalty for breaking it."

That might be, she thought to herself; but that didn't mean a member of the staff wouldn't try to line their pockets by calling in a few tips to the tabloids and newspapers about the evenings guests.

"Kate...I hate to say this but it's just going to keep happening as long as you stay silent. By refusing to give them anything, you make the chase of you all the more appealing," Castle stated gently. "You're a challenge...if you take away some of their motivation, they won't think you're worth the hassle."

"Castle; we've already been over this. I'm not talking."

"Then give them the picture and see if it helps."

"If you wish, Miss," Renaldo stated; anxious to help now that his restaurant had been accused of tipping off the media; "You and Mr. Castle are more than welcome to leave by the back entrance."

Another weighted breath passed through her lips as her eyes closed in irritation. Was this what her life was being reduced to? Sneaking out back doors, hiding her face behind her hand or a folder, having her team feel that she was better off at her desk. It felt so wrong in so many ways. She didn't want to hide...that was her mother's game. She didn't want to emerge once or twice a week and hide behind sunglasses while she did it like Johanna Beckett was. She didn't want to hide...if she did that; she'd feel like she was letting them win…like she was turning into her mother who seemed to have lost some of her sassy spark once the media had descended.

"No," she stated. "I'm not going to creep out the back door like some thief in the night."

"Are you sure?" Castle asked; "Because it's not a problem if you want to go out the back."

"No," she said firmly; "I'm not doing that. Pay the check and let's go. We're going out the front door like everyone else. I don't have anything to hide."

Castle eyed her; studying the stubborn set of her jaw as he debated whether he should try to talk her out of it. He decided against it, her mind was mad up and fighting her on it would only make her angry and their evening would be shot to hell as she'd feel the need for space.

"Okay," he said with a nod as he pulled his wallet from his pocket and paid the amount on the check that was already on the table.

As they walked away from the table, his hand fell to the small of her back. "Are you ready for this?"

She took a deep breath and expelled it slowly. "As ready as I ever am."

The flash of a camera went off as soon as they pushed through the door, and the throng of voices shouting questions sounded immediately there after.

Castle shifted; shielding her somewhat as he smiled widely. "Guys, I know the preview of the new book is awesome but this is a little much."

"We don't want to talk about the book," one of the reporter's yelled.

"You haven't read the preview of Frozen Heat?" he asked in mock offense. "Do you want me to send you a copy? I can autograph it."

"We want to hear from Detective Beckett," someone else yelled.

"Okay," he said; "Kate, how did you feel about the sneak peek of Frozen Heat?"

She smiled; she knew what he was doing and she appreciated it. "It was fantastic; I loved it."

"There you go," Castle said as they kept walking; "A glowing endorsement from the woman who inspired it. It doesn't get better than that."

"Are you two dating?" a reporter called out.

Castle laughed. "Why would you think that?"

"You just had dinner together at an upscale restaurant; that screams date night."

"I heard no screaming," he answered; "And besides, can't a man just treat a friend to a nice meal? She works hard, she puts up with me; which is no easy feat, she deserves to be spoiled once in awhile."

"Detective Beckett, when are we going to see you with your mother?"

"Do you hate her for what she's done?"

"How did it feel to take down someone as big as Senator Bracken?"

"Do you really think he'll be convicted?"

"Don't you have anything to say about this?" one of them asked as they approached the waiting town car.

She turned to look at them; "Yeah, I do have something to say."

A hush fell over the small crowd as they waited for her statement. Kate smiled as she regarded them coolly; "No comment," she stated and then she climbed into the back of the car; the disgruntled groans of reporters and the flash of cameras following her.

Castle grinned and bit back a laugh as he faced the crowd. "Are you guys sure you don't want to talk about the book?"

"No!"

"Come on, it's destined to be a bestseller," he exclaimed. "Anyone want an autograph?"

They began to disburse and move away and as they did so, he yelled after them; "Fine, be that way, but just know that the mean reporters in my next book are based on all of you!"

Kate was laughing softly as he settled in the back seat with her and she looked at him with love in her eyes. "Thanks, Castle."

He covered her hand, his thumb caressing her skin intimately. He wanted to kiss her so badly but he didn't dare, not knowing if a photographer was lurking somewhere and might get a shot of them. "No problem; if I can deflect them away from you, I will."

"I appreciate it."

"I know. Do you want to go out for a drink or would you rather go back to the loft and have a drink there...and then you could stay," he added; fearing she might suddenly need space and demand to be taken to her own place after all.

She smiled. "You say that like I haven't been spending most of my nights with you."

"I was just re-enforcing the knowledge that the welcome mat is still out...right at the foot of my bed."

"My plans haven't changed, Castle. I'm going home with you. As for the drink...maybe it would be best to have one at home. They'll probably be on the lookout for us now and I really don't want to go through that again tonight."

He gave a nod and leaned forward in the seat to speak to his trusted driver; telling him to take the long way plus a few detours on the way home in effort to lose anyone who might try to follow.

As the car pulled away from the curb, Kate squeezed Castle's hand. "I'm sorry," she said softly. "I know you were hoping for our night out to be more than what it was."

He shook his head and dropped an arm around her. "Hey, you don't need to be sorry. We had a wonderful dinner together and I'm thankful for that and now we're going home together...as long as the night is us being together, than it's perfect and nothing else matters."

She laid her head on his shoulder; "It's frustrating though to feel like we have to go home...and I know, we don't necessarily have to, we could take our chances, but...they make me not want to take the chance and that makes me feel like I'm not being fair to you."

"Kate, I get it and it's fine. Did you have a nice time at dinner?"

"Yeah."

"Then the night was a success. Don't let it bother you, okay?"

She nodded; but she was still bothered; how could she not be?

* * *

As they stopped to pay the bill on their way out, Jim glanced towards the glass doors and studied the people lingering outside of it. He saw a camera and tensed; it might not be what he thought. It very well could be a tourist or just someone who had been out taking pictures for some reason…but why would either be lingering outside of this restaurant…looking through the glass as if they were waiting for someone. It had to be some sensationalist journalist, and he used the term journalist loosely. One of the staring patrons must've recognized them and tipped off the press after all. Couldn't they just leave them alone? He squeezed Johanna's hand and she glanced at him, offering him a soft smile even as her eyes silently proclaimed, "I told you so" before disappearing behind the sunglasses she had fished out of her purse while they were at the table.

A flash went off as soon as they stepped outside the restaurant and Johanna's body instantly filled with tension as she clung to Jim's hand. A small group of people converged on them and they walked faster, trying to get to the car as quickly as possible. Jim gently shifted them away from the center of the sidewalk; positioning Johanna so her unoccupied side was nearly brushing the fronts of buildings they passed and therefore keeping anyone from falling into step beside her. She tried so very hard to keep her composure, to act as though she couldn't hear the words that started hitting her ears as soon as they had stepped away from the restaurant.

 _"Mrs. Beckett, where were you for those 13 years?"_

 _"Didn't it bother you to know that your family was being told you were dead?"_

 _"How were you able to just carry on with your life?"_

 _"If you knew the case you were working on involved corruption, why didn't you go to the authorities right away?"_

 _"Why did you come back now?"_

 _"Don't you feel any remorse for ruining a man's life?"_

 _"Are you ever going to speak?"_

That was rich, Johanna thought to herself. Why the hell would she have remorse for the man who ruined her life and the lives of her family?

 _"How does the rest of your family feel about what you've done?"_

 _"Have they forgiven you?"_

 _"Are you estranged from your daughter? She's never been seen with you?"_

 _"Does she hate you for lying to her?"_

The questions kept bouncing off of her like ping pong balls as she pressed herself as close to Jim as possible while still being able to walk. They were too close to her; breathing down her neck, making her feel like they were sucking all of the air from her body. Jim released her hand and wrapped his arm protectively around her waist; allowing her to meld into his side as she lowered her head. She hoped the trembling of her hands wasn't noticeable, nor the feeling of anxiety that was making her chest feel tight as flashes continued to go off around them.

Their words kept filling her ears; sounding far off as she tried to remind herself to breath properly.

 _"How do you feel about Adam Bracken saying that you and your daughter are nothing but lying bitches and he intends to sue you both along with the city for defaming his brother with these malicious charges?"_

She felt Jim stiffen and she dug her fingers into his side, silently begging him not to respond; it would only make things worse, but they wouldn't let up…more words filled the air, blending together in her mind as she struggled to hold it together.

"She's not the criminal," she heard Jim saying. "So why don't you all back off of her and my daughter and go harass the man responsible for all of it?"

His response only egged them on as they approached the car. Jim kept a hold on her as he shifted her so that she was between him and the car, keeping her shielded as he reached around her and unlocked the door for her. He opened the door and carefully ushered her into the car while still keeping her shielded from the vultures who insisted on hounding them. Once she was settled into her seat, he hit the lock and shut the door.

"What kind of man takes back a woman who lied to him for 13 years and caused so much chaos?" a reporter yelled as Jim rounded the car to the drivers side.

Anger flooded his veins and he turned to face the pack of wolves; because that's what they reminded him of. "The kind of man who loves his wife and is grateful that she was saved from the fate that some vile, cold blooded bastard saw fit to plan for her. I love my wife; nothing will ever change that and I'm thankful that she's alive and back home where she belongs. Now that's all you need to know. Leave us alone," he stated as he opened the car door which Johanna had unlocked for him, and slid into the driver's seat amid the glare of camera flashes.

Jim started the car and pulled away, the cameras still clicking in a frenzy as a few voices still persisted in calling out. He glanced toward Johanna, she was silent and still in the passenger seat, her head still lowered. When he stopped for a red light, he laid a hand on her knee. "It's alright, Johanna."

She covered his hand with hers and raised her head, pulling off her sunglasses as she did so. "I want to go home," she said softly.

Jim had hoped that after dinner they would find something else to do in the city to keep them out awhile longer, but now that the media had found them, it didn't seem like a good idea. They didn't need a second encounter tonight. He gave her knee a light squeeze. "We're going home, sweetheart."

Johanna's throat tightened, it wasn't supposed to be this way. They were supposed to be getting on with their lives. They were supposed to be doing all of those things they had dreamed of while sitting in Kate's apartment, waiting for the day when they'd be free. Their date nights were supposed to be romantic; not filled with the fear of who might be waiting outside for them. Their days were supposed to be spent in any way they saw fit; not hiding behind closed blinds and curtains. This was supposed to be their time…their continued rebuilding of their relationship as they made up for all they had been robbed of. She was supposed to have peace now…oh she was better off than she had been; that was for sure…but in so many ways, she was still a hostage. It wasn't fair; she hadn't committed the crimes but she was paying for it…and she felt like she had already paid for it far more than she should've ever had to.

A soft cry broke free against her will; the tears tumbling down her cheeks in rapid succession. It felt like this was never going to end.

"Don't cry, sweetheart," Jim said quietly. "Please don't cry."

"I'm sorry," she murmured as she tried to regain her composure.

He shook his head and hazarded a quick glance at her as he made the turn that carried them into the quieter part of the city. "You don't have to apologize for it…I just feel helpless when you cry. I always want to fix what's wrong…and sometimes I don't know how."

"Neither do I," she sniffed. "But just know that I'm always fine as long as I'm with you. Just being here with me is all you ever have to do to fix things."

"Being with you is something I can promise; it just doesn't always feel like enough when something hurts you."

"It is," his wife insisted as she laid her hand over his as it gripped the steering wheel. "Because you've always been everything that's right and good in my life. No one can take that feeling from me."

He gave her a small smile at that declaration and she returned it with one of her own. She meant every word, no one could take that feeling from her…no matter how many stones they threw, and yet, she couldn't exactly shake the bad feelings that this new phase brought. It still felt like someone somewhere was still trying to take something from her and she hated that feeling.

* * *

Martha was seated on the couch with a glass of wine when Castle and Kate returned home. "I didn't expect to see the two of you back so soon," she commented. "Is something wrong?"

"We weren't as lucky this time as the last time," Castle answered as he poured a drink for himself and Kate. "We were spotted."

Martha's gaze slid towards Kate and she smiled sympathetically. "Darling, I'm so sorry you have to go through this."

"Thanks, Martha," she replied as she carried her drink to the sofa and sat down.

Castle followed and took the chair, his gaze flicking towards the TV. "The news, Mother? That's not one of your usual viewing preferences. Did you get arrested and you're waiting to see your mug shot on television?"

Martha smirked at him. "No; I'm saving that publicity stunt for next month when my show opens."

"Good thinking; Lindsay Lohan style publicity is just the thing to boost ticket sales," he replied wryly.

Kate laughed softly as the actress eyed her son. "For your information, Richard; I just like to be informed about what's going on in the world."

"Since when?"

The redhead looked to Kate. "Darling, are you sure you want to put up with him?"

She laughed. "Well I've been doing it for this long, why stop now?"

"You're a brave soul," Martha replied. "As for you, Richard; since being informed involves the people I care about, I make it a point to tune in."

"The people you care about?"

Martha sighed in exasperation. "You, Kate, Johanna. If I waited on you to tell me everything I needed to know, I wouldn't know much of anything."

"Now that's not true," he retorted.

"Shhh," Kate shushed as Adam Bracken's face appeared on the screen.

Martha and Castle fell silent as they listened to the man issue his usual spiel about his brother's innocence and about how we was going to sue everyone from the police department to the state of New York and everyone in between. As a post script, he looked into the camera and added, "And I want Kate and Johanna Beckett thoroughly investigated."

"Great," Kate said sarcastically as the news changed stories.

"It's nothing to worry about," Castle said. "You don't have anything to hide…do you?"

"No; but that doesn't mean they won't make something up."

"He's just running his mouth, Kate. Nothing will come of it. Like I said, you have nothing to hide and you'll be able to disprove any claim he makes. I'm sure the same goes for your mother. She doesn't have anything to hide, does she?"

Kate regarded him with an arched brow. "You mean anything besides what we've already dealt with?"

That statement made him hesitate and he moved forward with caution. "Yeah…besides that."

"I should hope not," she answered. "But God only knows."

Martha laid a hand on her wrist, drawing Kate's gaze to her kind blue eyes. "Kate; don't let this make you doubt everything you know about your mother. I'm sure that there's nothing that's cause for concern."

She gave a nod as she shoved a hand through her hair. She supposed that it might've been unfair of her to think that way in regard to her mother. She hadn't been the type of lawyer who took bribes or threw cases or picked her clients on the basis of what regard their case could bestow upon her. Before Pulgotti, Johanna Beckett had lived a normal, honest life, where her only lies appeared to be about how a dent got put in the car and how much a certain pair of shoes really cost. She hadn't lied when she said she forgave her mother for the lies she had to tell to stay alive. She did forgive her, she understood, she loved her, and she was grateful that she was alive and well. But sometimes…sometimes she still felt that raw edge of anger simmering deep inside of her. Sometimes the stress crept up and made her feel a measure of resentment. Sometimes she felt all jumbled up about her feelings when it came to her mother.

"It's going to be alright," Martha said soothingly. "You'll see."

Kate allowed a small smile to touch her lips as her gaze flicked back to the other woman's face. "I know…I'm just not used to this."

"Hopefully it won't be this way for long, kiddo."

Castle picked up the cue to change the topic and while Kate participated in the conversation as much as she could, her distraction and downturn of mood was obvious.

* * *

It was late when Johanna padded into the kitchen that night and turned on the lights, her fingers hurriedly fumbling for the dimmer to spare her eyes the sudden harshness of bright light after being adjusted to the darkness. If the room was too bright her eyes wouldn't tire and sleep would continue to elude her…and dimness suited her mood as well, she mused as she crossed the room. She opened the cupboard door and lifted her mixing bowl off the shelf, her hands gently gripping the ceramic of the well loved sky blue bowl with its white floral design. Her eyes closed in remembrance of how she had come to own the bowl and its smaller counterparts that it shared the shelf with. They had been a housewarming gift from her mother…she had been six months pregnant at the time, eager to put them to use but too busy from work and the move and too tired from her rapidly advancing pregnancy to do much but admire them the first several weeks that they had taken their place in her cupboard. Finally, three weeks before Kate was born, she had a bout of insomnia and had gotten up in the middle of the night to bake a cake, baptizing the bowl with her homemade cake mix in the wee hours of the morning. She smiled a little, recalling how she had invited her mother over for cake the next day to show her that she had finally gotten to use her gift.

Johanna sighed and allowed herself to feel the sharp edge of longing for her mother's love and comfort and then she pushed it away, setting the bowl on the counter as she reached into another cupboard and took out a package of her homemade cake mix. She needed a sweet indulgence…a distraction…a connection to simpler times. She gathered her ingredients and moved to the table but she couldn't shake off the lonely feeling that surrounded her. The house was quiet, Jim sound asleep upstairs in their bed. The neighborhood was quiet too, thankfully. She had peeked out the window of the front door when she had come downstairs to make sure no reporters were camped out in their yard. She hadn't seen any signs of anyone lurking…but she had doubled checked the locks just in case. Instant notoriety wasn't for her; she didn't know how celebrities stood it. All she had wanted was to sink back into anonymity with her husband and go on with her life as best she could…but nothing was ever that easy when it came to her.

Needing to shake off the cobwebs, Johanna moved to the counter and turned on the small flat screen TV that resided there. The TV had set on the counter in the house in Wyoming; she'd been set to leave it behind but Jim had talked her into bringing it home, saying he'd hook it up for her so that she could watch her cooking shows in the kitchen in case she got inspired. She had to admit that it was nice; it kept her from being in silence in her favorite room…but the television also carried a stigma that she was trying to get past. It was a reminder of Wyoming and everything she wanted to forget. It was on that TV that she had seen Kate's face the day she had been shot. Some days she could push those thoughts from her mind; other days they nagged and she wondered if things were really so bad that even every day objects could haunt her with her miserable past.

She inhaled deeply and exhaled slowly as she flipped the channels, landing upon some gossipy celebrity show. She wrinkled her nose in distaste and glanced at the clock; it should be off soon…and if memory served, a much more appealing rerun of I Love Lucy would be on another channel in the next time slot. She could deal with the tabloid trash on the screen for a little while as long as it served its purpose of being background noise.

Johanna grabbed a cake pan from the cupboard and then set about mixing up her cake batter. She had just poured it into the pan and was scrapping the bowl when she heard her daughter's name on the TV. She hurriedly turned to watch the screen, her jaw tightening as she watched the footage of reporters hounding Kate and Rick earlier that evening after what appeared to have been a dinner date. Anguish and anger filled her as heard the questions and comments hurled at her daughter. Why couldn't they leave her alone? Katie didn't deserve this…neither did Jim; and yet they were both being subjected to it. She watched as Rick kept trying to deflect the attention away from Kate and to himself but it only seemed to serve up the speculation about their relationship.

Another sigh crossed her lips; if the media discovered Katei and Rick's true relationship; Rick would get the boot from the precinct and she was sure that her daughter would blame and resent her for it…and she'd have a right to. The footage of Kate ended…and she soon saw herself on the screen; footage of her and Jim as they left the restaurant rolling now. She cringed; her eyes shutting against the sight, her insides quivering as she listened to the barrage of questions all over again; those encounters were one reason why she hated to leave the safety of her home. The tape ended but the discussion among the shows hosts didn't.

" _I believe Johanna Beckett could be termed a virtual recluse,"_ the male host of the show announced. _"She seems to venture off her property only about once a week and she looks like she hates every minute of it while she does it."_

Johanna frowned; she did hate it and they were the reason why. It was impossible to find joy in an outing when you had to wonder who might be waiting for you outside…but she hated the term 'recluse'. She wasn't shunning the outside world on a whim; she was shunning it because they left her no other recourse…and because she still carried fear. The hosts of the show continued to talk and laugh about her and Kate and their demeanors and she forced herself to hold back the tears as she picked up the cake pan to put it in the oven. It felt like a little more weight had been added to her shoulders…and she didn't know how to ease it. She didn't know how fix things for any of them.

* * *

Later that night, Kate carefully slipped out from beneath Castle's arm and quietly tiptoed to the dresser and pulled open a drawer. As she located and slipped into her pajamas, she couldn't help but think about how quickly she had amassed a collection of her belongings in his bedroom. She wondered briefly if that should worry her, but then decided that it shouldn't. She doubted that anyone would accuse them of moving too quickly…quite the opposite as a matter of fact. She crept to the door and moved stealthy through the darkness, taking refuge in his office. She settled down in his desk chair, pulling her knees up against her.

She was supposed to be sleeping easy now…or at least she had believed that she would sleep easy once Bracken was arrested, but truth be told, she could probably count on one hand the number of nights she had slept easily since their return from Wyoming. Kate blew out a breath; things could never be easy, could they? She wasn't a fool, she had known all along that the arrest wasn't the end…it was just the beginning of the next phase. The very public next phase.

Her stomach knotted; if there was one thing she hated, it was for her privacy to be invaded. She was reminded of the time when she was five and had made the trek across the hallway early one morning with the intent of waking her mother, only to find the bedroom door locked. When she had questioned why the door had been locked, her mother had sat her down and explained that sometimes mommies and daddies needed privacy. In her explanation of the concept of privacy, she had told her that it was something everyone needed at one time or another and that it should always be respected and valued. She had taken that lesson to heart; especially as she had gotten older, and she clearly remembered that when she had turned thirteen and had decided that she needed to lock the door when she was changing clothes, that her parents had understood her need to do so and hadn't questioned it. They had even started knocking on her door before entering if it was closed, just as they had taught her to do when their door was closed; regardless of if it was locked or not.

The media intrusion into her life reminded her of that thirteen year old girl she had been who was afraid of being walked in on while changing. The media wanted to catch her exposed and vulnerable, and all she wanted to do was to lock the metaphorical door. Of course it wasn't just her upbringing that made her feel that way. She had spent a lot of years keeping people at a distance, picking and choosing what to reveal and to whom, and she had always done that with great deliberation. She kept her personal thoughts and feelings to herself unless you were fortunate enough to be on the short list of people allowed on the inside. The world at large wasn't on the list. You didn't let too many strangers on the list when you were a cop; the less people who knew your weak spots, the better off you were.

Kate sighed; the question was; how did you keep the door shut and locked when so many people were banging on it at once? Her pain wasn't for public consumption. She couldn't and wouldn't share it with anyone other than those in her immediate circle…but she had to do something, because this was already getting annoying and ridiculous. She couldn't afford the distractions at work, and she didn't want them on her dates either. She had hated to cut their evening short; hated even more that it had taken her awhile to unwind and get back into the romantic scheme of things once they had returned to the loft. The trial was still a few months away, which meant she had many months to come of dealing with the media. It wasn't going to go away.

Maybe Castle was right; maybe she did need to make a small concession. Maybe releasing a photo of her and her mother together wasn't really a bad idea after all. They were taking pictures anyway, at least this could be one of her own choosing…and maybe if she took away their motivation, they'd back off for awhile as Castle had said. He was more experienced in this area than she was; she'd probably be wise to take his advice. She smiled; a few years ago she would've never envisioned herself having that thought.

He was right though, she reasoned; a picture was a silent way to make a statement. Neither she nor her mother would have to say a word. All they had to do was sit down and allow Castle to snap a photo. He would then act as a buffer between them and the media by releasing it via his Twitter account. The world would end up with what they wanted; a photo of the reunited mother and daughter, and maybe they'd have a few days peace. Of course she would need her mother's cooperation and participation but she couldn't imagine that she'd say no. She was sure that she'd be agreeable to anything that got them a break. The decision was made, Kate thought; they'd release a photo. A small weight lifted from her shoulders but she made no move to return to bed.

The media wasn't the only turmoil lingering in her mind. She was still afraid...terribly afraid that Bracken would somehow get away with his crimes. Logically, she didn't see how he could, given all the evidence that had been amassed against him, but still she worried that he might. He was doing his damnedest to convince the public that he was innocent; or more exactly, he was having his mouthpieces do it for him. Most specifically his brother Adam. She frowned, recalling Adam Bracken's most recent statement.

"My brother will be cleared of these heinous and erroneous charges against him; and when he is, we fully intend to prosecute the people responsible for this miscarriage of justice to the fullest extent of the law, and that includes the NYPD."

Bracken's camp had been making various statements of that nature every few days, and usually in the midst of it, they would try to malign the integrity of her and her mother. She knew that they had the jury pool in mind and that they were trying to sway public opinion in their favor in regard to that...and she could only pray that it didn't work and that the evidence would be enough to convict him. But what if it wasn't? Bracken had contacts and he still had some power somewhere as his camp was clearly buying off certain media outlets.

Speaking of which, he had money. Not as much as he had a few months before as the majority of his accounts were frozen...but still, he had enough. Kate was certain that Adam Bracken's money was probably as dirty as his brother's; and she couldn't help but wonder and worry if the man would become a problem later on. What if Bracken was able to buy his way out of this? If that happened, it would all start over again; maybe not right away, but eventually Bracken would want his revenge and he'd come at them with a vengeance. A shiver slid down her spine; she didn't want to think about that. It was unlikely to happen anyway. She was just paranoid, and with good reason. Kate breathed deeply and exhaled slowly. She'd be fine once she got the media off her back a little, and was able to get a good night's sleep. It would be okay. They had won the battle; they would win the war too. There was nothing to worry about...at least she hoped there wasn't.

"Kate?" Castle's voice called out softly; startling her and causing her to flinch.

"Yeah?"

"Are you okay?" he asked as he approached her.

"I'm fine. I just couldn't sleep."

"Is something on your mind?"

"Yeah; but I've made a decision about it," she replied.

"Do you want to tell me about it?"

She looked at him in the dim light of the city that filtered through the blinds. "I've decided to let you take a picture of me and my mother and release it."

He perched on the edge of the desk. "Are you sure?"

"Yeah; I figure it's worth a shot."

"Do you think Johanna will be okay with this?"

"I think once she hears us explain our reasons, she'll be fine with it."

"Us?"

Kate smiled. "We're in this together, remember?"

"Absolutely," he replied; reaching out to brush a knuckle against her cheek.

"When do you want to do this?"

"I figure we can go over there and talk to her about it in the morning before we go to work."

Castle nodded. "Alright; now that that's settled, do you want to come back to bed? I'm getting lonely in there."

She laughed softly as she rose from the chair and wrapped her arms around him; capturing his lips in a kiss. "I can't have you being lonely."

"No you can't," he replied as he took her hand and led her back to his bed.

* * *

The clock on the nightstand had read 3:34 and as Jim neared the kitchen, he could smell the scent of a cake baking. He shook his head; he should've known that the appeal of the mixing bowl would be too great for Johanna to pass up in the face of their latest encounter with the media. As he entered the room, he took note of the ingredients sitting on the table, if memory served him correctly, the collection of items seemed to indicate that she planned on making her mother's white icing. His wife wasn't at the table however, and his gaze scanned the spacious kitchen in search of her; finding her standing at the back door, peering out into the darkness. He moved towards her, slipping his arms around her waist just as he had done earlier in the evening.

"What are you thinking about?" he asked quietly.

"A lot of things."

"Like what?"

"Like this town," she whispered.

"What about it?"

She breathed deeply. "It's one of the greatest cities in the world; so much to see and do and experience. Packed with theaters, restaurants, clubs, landmarks, museums, shopping, concerts, ballparks...you name it, it's here. Every day there are celebrities of every ilk walking down the streets; along with politicians, diplomats, foreign dignitaries, tycoons...so with all of that going on out there, why do they have to bother us?"

He kissed the back of her head and tightened his hold on her. "Because you did the impossible."

"If it was done, than it wasn't impossible," she murmured. "It felt impossible...but all I wanted was to end the nightmare and wake up and be home again. I wanted to save Katie...I just wanted to be with you. I wanted him to pay for what he had done to us...but I didn't want this. I didn't want people camped outside our home and following us wherever we go. I hate being stared at and talked about. I know it's all new to them...but it's not new to us. We've been carrying it for thirteen years and we're tired...but they don't seem to think of that or to care. They just want it all; comments, statements, stories, pictures. It's like the world thinks we owe it our pain. Don't they get it? I don't want to talk about it. I just want to forget."

"You're never going to be able to forget, Johanna."

She bit her lip; tears filling her eyes. "It would be easier to try though, if I didn't have to feel like I had to hide my face."

"You don't have to hide. You didn't do anything to be ashamed of."

"It's hard to feel that way when people are shouting things at your back as you walk by. Liar. Coward. Bitch. Defender of Scum. Destroyer of lives; and the list goes on and on."

"You're none of those things, Johanna," Jim remarked firmly.

"Aren't I?" she whispered. "I ran, I lied, I..."

"You had no choice," he said sternly; his fingers digging into her waist without notice or intent. "You're alive because you did the right thing, and I don't give a damn what anyone thinks about it. All that matters is that you lived, and that bastard is behind bars where he belongs."

"They added 'recluse' to the list of names tonight," she murmured after a moment of silence.

"I didn't hear anyone say that."

"I turned on the TV while I mixed up the cake batter."

"I told you to stay off the news channels," Jim stated; casting a glance over his shoulder at the small television that sat on the counter. He had hooked it up for her when they came back from Wyoming so she could watch her cooking shows in the kitchen; not so she could torment herself with the news.

A humorless laugh escaped her. "You can't shield me from it, Jim. It's everywhere. There's no escaping it. Just when I thought one nightmare was ending, a new one began."

"It's going to be alright, Sweetheart."

"No it's not," she cried; a sob breaking free against her will. "Sometimes it feels like it's never going to be alright. They caught Katie out tonight too. I saw it on TV...and I just know in my heart that it's not going to take long for her to get fed up with this and she's going to blame me, as she should; and she's going to push me away...and maybe this time I won't be able to get her back."

"That's not going to happen, Jo."

"It will," she insisted. "If I was in her shoes, I'd feel the same way. It's only a matter of time...and I hate seeing them hound her and the things they say...and sometimes I wonder when you're going to start to resent me for it too; because I know you can't stand it anymore than I can."

He turned her so that she would face him and he took her face in his hands. "I'm not going to resent you for something you have no control over. You don't need to be worrying about that at all. Yes; I hate it too, and it's frustrating...but it bothers me more that I can't keep them away from you, than from myself. It's only been a month, Johanna. Things will die down soon and they'll move on to something else."

"I hope it's soon," she whispered; laying her head against his chest.

"It'll be soon," he promised; although she didn't believe it and nether did he.

"I always used to think that this was my town," she said quietly. "I walked everywhere, I had no fear...and now it feels like it's turned against me..."

Jim shook his head. "No it hasn't; it's still your town...or city as the case may be."

"Maybe I am a recluse," she commented; ignoring his statement. "Every time I walk out the door, I'm terrified. I'm so afraid that something will happen to keep me from coming home."

"That's not going to happen again, sweetheart. I swear to you that you're always coming back."

Another sob broke free as she burrowed into his arms. "I want to see my brother," she cried; "But I'm too afraid to go to him because I might be followed and then the media will know where he's at and I don't want them beating on his door. And I think that he hasn't came here because he knows they're always lurking around...and it isn't right...and the police say that as long as they stay on the sidewalk and don't actually come on to our property that they can't do anything about it...and it just doesn't seem right. How am I supposed to put my life back together when I'm constantly being watched...when I'm so afraid of so many things...when I can't even see the people who are willing to see me?"

He knew how badly she needed that contact with her brother. He and Valerie called her every few days but she needed to see him, she needed that link to her past and to her family. Frankie was probably the only person left who had known her from the day she was born. She needed that bond and her roots. He raised her face and wiped her tears away. "You'll see your brother," he told her. "I'll get you there, we'll figure something out."

"What about the rest?" she asked; referring to her fears.

"You're doing fine. It's just going to take a little time for you to feel better about things, and to get used to being able to come and go as you please again. I know you're afraid, that's why I keep dragging you out for any reason I can think of. We'll get you through it. It's going to be fine. Just try to relax, okay?"

She took a shaky breath as she nodded and swiped at her cheeks. "Hey," he whispered; cupping her face.

"What?"

"I love you," he told her.

"I love you too," she replied before kissing him.

"Why don't you come on back to bed and get some sleep?"

"I have to get the cake out of the oven. It has to cool and I need to make the icing to put it on it."

"You can do the icing tomorrow."

Her teeth sunk into her lip as she considered the idea, and he could tell that she was finding it less than tasteful. "Morning is only a few hours away," he commented. "I'm sure it will be fine without icing until after breakfast."

She smiled softly. "Okay."

Jim brushed a kiss against her lips. "That's my girl."

He stood by and waited as she took care of the cake and made sure the oven was off and then he took her hand and turned out the lights. Once they were settled back into their bed, he pulled her into arms, making her smile in response. "I figure I better keep a hold of you or you'll be back downstairs putting icing on that cake," he teased.

She laughed softly as she cuddled against him. "I'm staying put...I got a little chilly standing over by the door."

He pressed a kiss against her hair and pulled the covers more securely around her. "You go to sleep then, I'll keep you warm."

"You always do," she murmured; the sound of his heartbeat in her ear as his fingers found his way into her hair. Soon sleep had claimed her, and her husband drifted off as well, despite the fact that his mind was trying to come up with ways to take away all her worries and fears.

 _Authors Note: The picture will feature in chapter 2; some of you may remember that is was originally in chapter 1._


	2. Chapter 2

_Authors Note: Thanks for your reviews_

Chapter 2 – Breathe

 _So cradle your head in your hands and breathe, just breathe – Anna Nalick_

"No. No. No," Johanna kept saying internally the next morning as she and Jim sat at the kitchen table listening to Kate and Rick explain their idea to release a photo of the two of them together. She didn't want to do this. She didn't want to give into demands, even if it was a miniscule one…but once you gave in once, they'd keep nagging for you to give in again and again and before she'd know it, she'd be one of those People magazine cover stories and having a 20/20 interview with Barbara Walters. No. Hell no. It wasn't ever going to happen. She just needed some space, some time to learn to breathe properly again; but there was always some roadblock in the way, something to keep her from letting her guard down completely.

"So, what do you think?" Kate asked after she and Castle finished the explanation of their plan.

"I don't know, Katie," she said hesitantly. "It seems to me that it would only make them want more."

"They're going to want more either way," Castle stated before Kate could form a response. "But in the meantime, they'll be satisfied."

Johanna didn't like it. It still felt like giving in and giving in just seemed like it would bring the vultures down upon them twice as hard and she didn't think either one of them needed that.

"What are you thinking about, Mom?"

"That I hate to give in to their demands, even in a small way."

Kate raked a hand through her hair. "I don't like the idea any more than you do but I hate being hounded even more. I'm also not fond of the accusation that I hate you just because we haven't been seen together publicly."

"It doesn't matter what they think," Johanna stated. "Their opinions shouldn't dictate our actions."

Kate's patience felt as though it was stretched thin that morning and she knew it was due in part to a largely restless night spent pondering her options. She hadn't counted on her mother's stubbornness as a stumbling block in her quest for relief. "It's just a picture," she stated; her tone somewhat clipped as she held her mother's gaze. "I'm not asking you to talk to anyone or to compromise your principals. They're taking pictures of you anyway...on the rare occasion that you actually put a foot outside the door, so what's the big deal? Do you hear what they're saying about you?"

Johanna scoffed. "No, Kate; I magically lose the ability to understand English when the press is talking about me and calling me names. I also magically lose the ability to read when it's in print."

She smirked. "I see you're running high on sarcasm this morning."

"She didn't sleep well, Katie," Jim remarked as he sat a fresh cup of coffee down in front of his wife before re-taking a seat next to her.

"And I didn't wake up in the best of moods," Johanna admitted.

"I knew we should've called first," Castle muttered.

"I didn't sleep well and my mood isn't all that great either," Kate retorted. "But I'm trying to find a way to get the media off our backs a little and this is the only solution that Castle and I were able to come up with that I was agreeable to. Maybe it doesn't bother you to have people following you around and shouting things at your back but it sure as hell bothers me."

"You can't seriously think that I'm not bothered by it!" Johanna exclaimed.

"Well if you're willing to put up with it without even trying to head it off in one way or another, then maybe you aren't as bothered as you claim to be."

Johanna felt like she was stuck between a rock and a hard place. If she didn't do this, Kate would be angry. If she did do it, things had the potential for getting worse media wise, or staying the same.

"Jim?" she said as she glanced at her husband; hoping he'd have an answer...or that just maybe he'd make the decision for her this time. If he had any qualms about the idea, then her answer would be no…and she had to admit, there was a little part of her hoping that he'd be in one of those demanding, putting his foot down moods.

Jim's gaze was full of understanding, but she saw no answer in his eyes and her heart sank a little. "It's your choice, Johanna. If you don't feel comfortable and you don't want to do it, then you don't have to. If you want to go along with it and see if it helps, I'll support that decision too."

"You're going to have to deal with them at some point, Johanna," Castle remarked. "You're not going to be able to hide forever."

The comment chaffed her and she was growing weary of being accused of hiding. Every time she turned around, that word was being thrown at her. Was it so wrong to want peace and privacy while her wounds healed and she sorted out the pieces of her life and tried to put them back together?

"Hell will freeze over before I sit down with Barbara Walters and give her my life story," she said tartly.

"I didn't say you had to talk to Barbara," he replied. "I'm just saying that eventually you're going to have to deal with this publicly. Although if you did decide to talk about it, Barbara Walters wouldn't be a bad choice; if you cry, everyone will blame it on her," he stated with a grin.

The older woman frowned. "I will not be another Barbara Walters sob story."

"She's not talking to anyone," Jim proclaimed. "They're picking her apart enough; I'll be damned if she's going to have to sit down and have it done to her face."

"We are not talking interviews; she doesn't have to talk to anyone!" Kate exclaimed. "All she has to do is sit down beside me for thirty seconds and have one damn picture taken, okay? You have the luxury of hiding in this house, but I don't. I have a job; I have to go out every day. I don't get to escape it the way you do."

"I hate how you act like I don't leave this house," Johanna retorted. "I go out! And I don't see where I get to escape anything when they're camped outside half the time."

"You go out when Dad makes you," her daughter retorted. "And you're locked inside this house when they're outside; they're not following you around when you're trying to do your job because you don't have one. I have one, and unfortunately it's a job I have to conduct in public most of the time and they get follow along like a pack of rabid wolves. I thought you'd understand that."

"Katie," Jim said; his tone laced with warning. "Back off."

"No," she responded. "You don't get it, I'm out trying to do my job and reporters are following me and shouting questions and getting in the way. Then other officers or Ryan and Esposito have to stop what they're doing and run them off. I go out on a date and I can't even hold hands because I'm being watched. If you won't do it for yourself, you could at least do it for me. Can't you do that much for me?"

She played her ace card, Johanna thought as she swallowed hard. The words she had uttered the night before about how Kate would eventually feel, hung ominously in the air as she studied the tightness of her daughter's jaw. It was already starting. Kate had more at stake and more to lose than she did. It was only right that her feelings be sacrificed; she could deal for awhile longer. "Alright, Katie; I'll do it for you," she answered. "When do you want to do it?"

Kate glanced at her watch. "I don't have time right now, but maybe we can come back on my lunch break and take the picture then. I'll call first."

"Fine, that will give me time to go to the store first."

Jim glanced at Johanna in surprise. "You're ready to venture out again so soon?"

"No, but I will."

"Don't you get it, Dad? She wants to stock up before the picture is released so she won't have to go out for awhile."

"Is that what it is, Jo?"

Johanna sighed; she really wasn't in the mood for this today. "Mainly it's because I'm out of sugar and because we could use a few other things as well."

"And the rest of it is the press?" he asked.

"So what if it is? I hate feeling like I'm the main attraction at the freak show, I told you that."

"Johanna," Castle spoke up as he laid a hand on Kate's knee; feeling the agitation radiating from her body. "I really don't think that releasing this picture is going to be a big deal. It'll make a little splash as we satisfy their curiosity, but you don't need to worry."

Johanna nearly scoffed; that was easy for him to say. She couldn't remember the last time she had no worries. Maybe he had no worries but she sure as hell had a boatload full…a boat that never seemed to empty. She couldn't express that however, she didn't want to risk offending him or her daughter and she nodded and forced a smile to her lips as she met her daughter's eye. "I'll be better by lunch time, Katie. I promise. I'm sorry."

"It's fine," she replied; taking a long moment to study her mother. She was feeling the pressure today, Kate mused; but of course so was she. There was a momentary twinge of regret for being terse with her...but on the other hand it seemed like it needed to be done. Her mother wasn't bouncing back as quickly as she had hoped now that she was home. If anything, being home only seemed to make her issues worse, or more pronounced, whatever the case may be. As much as she hated to think it, she couldn't help but feel like her father was enabling her mother by coddling her. Sure he made her go out every so many days, but other than that, she didn't think he was forcing her to show much effort at returning to normal...or as normal as they could be.

Johanna Beckett wasn't a woman who needed coddled, Kate thought as she listened to the voices around the table discuss the media pressure and the sudden need to go to the market. No, coddling wasn't good for her. She needed a shove; just like she had needed one when she had been acting like a doormat when she had first came home. She had shoved her then and made her find that missing piece of herself...and it looked like she was going to have to sit down and pencil 'Shove Mom' into her schedule every so often...because it needed done, and apparently the person who was supposed to be doing it, didn't have the heart for it yet.

"You know," Johanna said, "You all want me to go out more and when I say I want to go to the store, you act like I'm committing some crime."

Jim shook his head. "That's not the case at all. If you want to go to the store, I'll take you. When do you want to leave?"

"I'll wash up the breakfast dishes and then I'll get ready," Johanna answered. "Katie, do you want to take a piece of cake take to work?"

Kate smiled and looked to Castle. "That's her subtle way of telling us to get the hell out."

He laughed. "At least she offered you cake, I didn't get offered anything."

Johanna smirked at him. "You know I'm going to give you a piece."

"You're not going to spit on it first, are you?" he asked.

Johanna smiled; amusement finding it's way into her eyes. "I haven't decided yet. It'll be a surprise."

"I'll make Kate try it first."

"I'm surprised you didn't say you'd switch your piece with mine," Kate responded.

"I'm ashamed to admit that I didn't think of that...clearly it's a bad morning all around."

"Don't worry, Castle; you can redeem yourself at the murder board," she replied as her mother rose to cut them each a piece of cake.

"I better send some for Ryan and Esposito," Johanna remarked as she took a few plastic containers from the cabinet.

"If you don't want whiny phone calls about unfairness and being deprived, you probably should," Kate agreed.

"I definitely don't want that," the older woman replied. "I have enough problems."

"Hopefully this picture will eliminate one of your problems," Kate told her. "Or at the very least, tone it down some."

"I guess only time will," Johanna replied as she finished putting cake into containers and carried them to the table. "Do you need silverware?"

"No; we have a large stash of take out packets of plastic forks," her daughter assured as she and Castle rose from the table. "I'll bring your bowls back."

Johanna gave a slight nod and said goodbye to their guests, leaving Jim to walk them to the door as she gathered up mugs and retreated to the sink to wash dishes.

She had just plunged the dishes into the sink when her husband returned to the room. He paused at the counter and she could feel his eyes upon her. "What?" she asked softly.

"You don't want to do it," Jim stated.

"I definitely want to go to the market."

"That's not what I was talking about…you don't want to do the picture; do you?"

She shrugged. "It doesn't really matter; I'm doing it."

"You don't have to do it if you don't want to, Jo. I wouldn't blame you for saying no; I know what you meant about worrying about it just making things worse."

"I know you wouldn't be mad if I said no…but Katie would be and I feel like I owe it to her to do it. After everything that's happened, do I really have a right to say no when she asks me to do something for her?"

"If it's something that makes you uncomfortable; yes, you have every right."

Johanna frowned as she scrubbed a plate; she felt like her rights were somewhat limited, especially when it came to her daughter. "I'll just do it and be done with it. Why don't you get a piece of paper and a pen and I'll tell you what we need from the store so we have a list of the important things."

Jim took the hint that the subject was closed and he turned to the junk drawer to take out the pen and pad that she always wrote her shopping lists on. He didn't blame her for wanting to go to the store and stock up before the picture was released; if things amped up, he wanted her safely at home until it settled down.

* * *

Sharon Harper always preferred to do her shopping in the morning. The market was never as crowded then as it would be later in the afternoon. Shopping in the morning meant she could hear herself think, which meant that she most likely wouldn't forget half of the things she had come for, and the aisles would be easier to navigate. She turned her cart down the refrigerated aisle that housed dairy products, paying scant attention until she caught a glimpse of a couple who was sharing the aisle with her. Her heart thudded against her ribs, an old hurt rippling through her.

The woman was reading the package of a product, her profile being presented to Sharon's gaze, but she would know Johanna McKenzie Beckett anywhere. If she needed proof of the woman's identity though, she had to do nothing more than to look at the man standing next to her. There was no doubt in her mind that the man in question was Jim. No doubt at all. A small smile lifted the corner of mouth as she studied him for a second, taking in his protective stance as he hovered near his wife; his hand rubbing against the small of her back. Her feet almost made her surge forward, teasing words about him still not being able to keep his hands off of Johanna on the tip of her tongue; but she remained rooted in spot; her gaze darting back to Johanna as she placed the item in the cart and picked up something else to study.

Emotion slammed into her, causing her to grip the handle of the cart just in case it brought her to her knees. That was her best friend standing there. That was the longest friendship she had ever had; beginning at the age of seventeen. She felt the tears gathering in her eyes as she thought about that old black and white photo tucked away in her wallet. They had felt like being silly that day after their shift at the restaurant had ended, and they had dropped one of their quarter tips into a photo booth and had their picture taken together. Sharon swallowed hard; they had a case of the giggles for all three poses; and those dowdy pink uniforms they had been wearing weren't appealing in the slightest...but they were so young and carefree in that picture.

They had shared everything; clothes, shoes, books, gossip, secrets, heartaches and double dates. They had agonized together, gotten into mischief together. They had been there for each other through everything; college, jobs, breakups, engagements, marriages and babies. There had been the loss of parents, those trials of getting older, those moments when everything just seemed all wrong, and all of those moments when everything had been right. They'd had a few bumps in their friendship…but they'd always found a way to rebound.

That was her best friend...the one she had mourned for thirteen years. The one she had thought was gone forever. It felt like a hand was squeezing her heart as she openly stared at Johanna. She was torn; there was the urge to go to her, to hug her, to cry and tell her how badly she had missed her. There was also the urge to flee as anger and hurt washed over her. She wasn't sure she could handle it...and yet, how could she walk away? Her gaze flicked towards Jim and found him looking back at her.

Jim said nothing; merely kept his eyes trained upon Sharon as she debated what her next move would be. He also subtly watched his wife from the corner of his eye; praying that she wouldn't look up until Sharon had made up her mind. If she was going to flee, it would be best if Johanna was none the wiser. He wasn't sure she'd be able to handle seeing her best friend turn and walk away from her without a word.

Sharon's stare was intense, and Johanna could sense someone's eyes upon her and she knew that the gaze didn't belong to her husband. She tried to ignore it; figuring she was probably just being paranoid and that there probably wasn't anyone watching her at all, but...she could feel it. She could just feel someone's eyes boring into her and she couldn't ignore it any longer.

Johanna turned her head, seeking out the source of her unease and her gaze collided with Sharon's. It startled her; the package of yogurt almost slipping from her hand. Jim grabbed it and put it in the cart; remaining silent as the women continued to stare at each other in silence. Johanna began to move forward but then she stopped in her tracks, unsure if she was wanted or not. She was desperate to hug her friend; to tell her that she was sorry, that she missed her, and any number of things that often came to mind that she wished she could share with her. She wanted so badly to say something, but she was afraid of being shunned; afraid that Sharon would turn her back on her; and so she stood there, rooted in place, her eyes burning with tears and her throat tightening more and more with every moment that passed without a word being uttered. Sharon's face was anguished and she saw the trembling of her lip as she fought to remain composed.

Maybe she should make it easy on her and be the one to walk away, Johanna thought to herself. She couldn't stand to torment her by inflicting her presence on her...and yet it felt so difficult to walk away. Johanna lowered her head, in shame or defeat, she wasn't sure, and neither was Jim or Sharon. Jim could feel her anguish but he was at a loss about what to do. He couldn't force Sharon to speak, and he couldn't force Johanna to take the initiative when it might wind up hurting her in the end. He rubbed her back; feeling the shuddering breath that wracked her slender frame as she began to turn back towards the cart; clearly giving Sharon the okay to walk away without a word. He darted another quick look at the former secretary and saw that her head was in her hands, but then they fell away and she pushed her cart towards them. Johanna heard the wheels of the cart but she didn't dare hope that they'd stop near her...but they did.

She was afraid to lift her head; afraid now of what Sharon might say if indeed she chose to speak to her. "Sharon," she heard Jim say.

A shaky smile touched Sharon's lips. "Jim, how are you?"

"I'm fine," he answered; his hand squeezing Johanna's waist gently as she hazarded a glance at the scene taking place. "How are you?"

She scoffed softly; she wasn't all that well at the moment. "I'm...fine," she answered for lack of better words. Her eyes met Johanna's once more, and she could read the torment in her green gaze. She didn't know where she stood, and so she was waiting for her to make the first move. Sharon had known all along that that's how it would be if there paths ever crossed. Johanna never was one to force herself on someone. She released a weighted breath. "Johanna," she said; her voice soft but tinged with hurt.

Johanna felt tongue tied and awkward, but she forced herself to form a single word; not trusting herself to say more just yet. "Sharon."

Her old friend swallowed hard, and she did the same; a part of her wishing that she had just stayed home. "How are you?" Sharon finally asked.

"Okay I guess."

"That's good...I'm glad that you're okay."

Johanna's chin quivered; emotion surging forward. "Sharon; I...," she trailed off; not really wanting to have this conversation here, and yet afraid that she might not get the chance again. "I'm sorry."

The other woman nodded; her gaze darting away. "I know."

She shifted on her feet; knowing it wouldn't be wise to say more on the topic and yet at a loss about what to say in response. "I should get going," Sharon stated, unable to bear the strain between them. "I have other errands to run."

Johanna forced a wobbly smile to her lips and gave her a nod. "It was nice to see you," she said; trying so hard to keep her tone steady but failing as her voice cracked.

Sharon squeezed her eyes shut for a moment, swallowing the lump in her throat as she brushed a hand against Johanna's arm. "It was nice to see you too."

Johanna caught her hand for a moment; squeezing it as she wished that she was brave enough to just reach forward and hug her friend...but she wasn't. Her bravery was at an all time low. Sharon returned her grip though and then gently extracted her hand as she said goodbye and pushed her cart forward.

Jim wrapped an arm around his wife as she closed her eyes and tried to find her composure. Half way up the aisle, Sharon paused; the urge to turn around and go back pulling at her but she wasn't sure she was ready to give more at this point. She did turn and look back; seeing Johanna wipe away a tear as Jim whispered something in her ear. "Jo," she called out before she could stop herself, her tone as wobbly as Johanna's smile had been.

Her head snapped up and she turned in Sharon's direction, hoping for what, she wasn't sure.

"I'll call you...soon."

Johanna nodded. "I'd like that, Sharon."

She bobbed her head in response, offering a shaky smile of her own before she turned and hurried away; her features crumbling as a silent sob broke the surface. Johanna turned and buried herself in her husband's arms.

"Try and hold it in until we get to the car, sweetheart," he murmured as he held her.

"I'll try," she whispered.

* * *

At lunch time as they drove towards her parents house, Castle turned his gaze towards Kate.

"Kate…"

"I'm doing this, Castle," she stated; cutting him off before he could even finish his sentence. "It was your suggestion, you should be happy that I'm taking it."

He was happy that she was taking his advice…but he didn't want to feel like he had forced her hand.

"I don't want you to think you have to do this to appease me," he told her.

"I don't, I'm doing this for me."

"I don't think your mother is too keen on the idea."

"She'll be fine once it's done," Kate remarked. "She needs a shove anyway. She needs to go back to acting like the woman that faced down Bracken."

"She had a reason for acting that way then."

"I think she has plenty of reasons now but Dad's babying her and making her worse."

"Well…she's his to baby," he remarked; "And she's still afraid…just like you're still afraid in some ways."

Kate clamped her mouth shut, her jaw tightening as she kept her gaze trained on the road. Sometimes it was a curse that he could read her so well. He was studying her intently; she could feel his blue gaze scorching her skin without even having to look.

"You are still afraid, aren't you?" he asked.

Her eyes flicked towards him for a split second. "I have a gun; I have Ryan and Esposito and an entire precinct at my disposal if I need them and a sometimes immature, but very competent, loving writer at my side. With all of that behind me, what do I have to be afraid of?"

"First of all, thank you for including me on the list; it would've been just like you to exclude me just to torment me."

She smiled. "How could I not include you?"

"True; but having me and your very lovely gun and a hoard of cops doesn't mean you can't still have some fear lingering inside. It's only natural."

"I'm not afraid."

"If you weren't worried or afraid, you'd sleep better," Castle replied.

"I can sleep at my place more often if I'm disturbing you," she retorted.

"No!" he exclaimed. "There's no call for that! I'm just saying that it's okay if you're feeling those things. You've been through a lot and so has she…there has to be a period of adjustment."

"I thought we already did that."

"You adjusted to the situation at hand...now you have to adjust in different ways. It's okay to still..."

"Castle, don't pick at my brain today, okay?" she stated; her tone carrying a hint of sharpness.

He was getting too close to a nerve she didn't want plucked at the moment, he observed; and he sensed it was best to back off for now. "I'm shutting up."

"You don't have to shut up; you just have to find a different topic," Kate told him.

"Okay; then I'll shut up until I think of something else."

Silence fell between them and lasted until they neared their destination. "You didn't come up with a new topic?" she asked. "That's unusual."

"Well I did come up with one."

"What is it?"

"I love you," he stated.

Kate smiled. "I like that topic."

"You do? Why is that?"

"Because I love you too," she answered as she pulled up in front of the house; which was thankfully free of media presence. "Even when I'm telling you to shut up, I still love you."

Castle laughed; his eyes dancing with amusement. "Don't worry, I've never taken it personally...even when you wanted me to."

"I noticed," she laughed and then she leaned towards him and stole a kiss. "Let's go do this."

He gently grabbed her wrist, keeping her in place for a moment as he looked her in eye. "I want you to know that I'm going to do the best I can with this for you, Kate."

"I know," she replied sincerely; brushing her lips against his once more. "I trust you."

That statement eased a small amount of his own anxiety as they got out of the car and made their way up the walk. Jim opened the door before Kate could knock, and after greeting him, her eyes scanned the living room for her mother.

"Where is she?" she asked.

"Upstairs," her father answered as he shut the door.

"She's not backing out on me, is she?"

"No, Katie; she's just touching up her makeup...but listen..."

"Here we go," she muttered; her anxiety growing once again.

Jim silenced her with a look; giving her a momentary flashback to her teenage days. "It's nothing like you're thinking, Katie; she's going to do this for you. I just wanted to tell you that she ran into Sharon at the market this morning."

"How did that go?" she asked.

"It wasn't bad but..."

"It wasn't what she would've hoped for," Castle said; finishing the thought.

"Right; but Sharon did say that she would call her soon...but of course we'll have to see about that. I just wanted you to know in case she seems a little off. I didn't want you to think it was about this and have you being hard on her. She's going to do her best for you, Katie."

She blew out a breath and nodded; she'd cut her some slack if she was a bit off. She was sure that unexpectedly seeing her former best friend had probably knocked her off balance. The sound of heels on the stairs alerted them to Johanna's imminent appearance. Castle smiled as he caught sight of her first. "Hey, there's Miss New York 1975."

She smirked at him. "I wish; but I thank you for the false flattery, Mr. Macaroni of 2012."

Castle eyed her with amusement. "I pay you a high compliment like that and you call me macaroni?"

Kate burst into laughter as the wording made her think of something else. He glanced at her. "You're thinking of Yankee Doodle again, aren't you?"

"Yeah," she laughed.

He turned his attention back to Johanna. "See what you've done?"

"Hey, I was never a beauty queen and never proclaimed to be one, you on the other hand proclaimed yourself as macaroni, so blame yourself."

"For all I knew, you could've been a beauty queen in 1975," Castle remarked. "Jim, you knew her then; she could've been one, right?"

The older man smiled as his gaze admired his wife. "She would've gotten my vote...still does."

Johanna smiled; her cheeks warming under his gaze. "1975...that was a hell of a year."

Jim nodded. "But it had its moments."

"Very true."

"Before you two decide to take a walk down memory lane, can we get this picture done?" Kate asked.

"Are you sure you want to do this?" Johanna asked fussing with the hem of her top as a touch of nervousness flared within her.

"Yes; I'm sure. It's only a picture; and while I hate giving in, maybe it will get us a break from the deluge."

"Alright," her mother agreed. "How are we going to do this?"

"Same way we always take a picture," Kate answered. "Stand still and smile."

Johanna smirked as her gaze slid towards her husband. "I think you're wrong about the amount of your genes swimming through her veins. There are way more than you give yourself credit for."

"I don't think we're ever going to settle that debate," Jim replied.

"Should we do this indoors or outdoors?" Castle asked.

"It's your idea, Castle; you decide," Kate told him.

He looked around the house, debating his options as he considered lighting and possible angles. He wanted to get this right since he was taking on the responsibility of releasing it to the world.

"How about the porch, Rick?" Jim suggested. "They could sit on the swing."

"Maybe I should just take several different pictures and then we'll pick which one we like best."

"I thought you said this was going to be casual," Kate remarked.

"It is," Castle replied. "You're not in a cold studio, decked out in an evening gown and diamonds."

She rolled her eyes. "When you said casual, I assumed that you meant that you'd just snap a picture of us while we stood together. I didn't think there was going to have to be multiple poses and strategizing."

"Kate, there are two different kinds of casual. There's family album casual and then there's press casual. Press casual requires a little more effort. Besides; this is my debut as a photographer."

She didn't look amused despite his attempt at levity. "Just pick a spot and take the picture, Castle."

"Okay…let's try it outside."

"Are we alone out there?" Johanna asked.

"I didn't see anyone around when we got there," Kate told her. "Castle will go out at look first."

Castle and Jim drifted out onto the porch and discreetly surveyed the neighborhood. After not spotting anyone or anything suspicious, they gestured for Kate and Johanna to come outside. They sat together on the porch swing and Castle took on his role of photographer as he began clicking a series of photos.

* * *

With the pictures taken, they retreated back inside and congregated in the kitchen. Kate and Johanna stood by, sipping coffee as Castle and Jim took it upon themselves to look through the photos to find the best one.

"How about this one?" Castle asked. "They're smiling and look happy for the most part."

Jim shook his head. "No; that's their fake smiles."

"Really?"

"Yes; trust me, I know. I mean just look at them. Johanna hides it a little better than Katie, but they're both definitely fake. See the tightness in their jaw lines?"

Castle nodded. "I see it; and now that I'm really looking, you can tell the smile doesn't reach the eyes and that's very important. We can't use this one."

Kate glanced at her mother. "Are we being insulted?"

"It's possible," she replied. "But let's see if they dig the hole a little bigger before we push them into it."

"What about that one?" Jim asked as Castle swiped a finger across the screen of his phone and brought up the next photo.

Castle wrinkled his nose as he studied it. "I don't think so. Kate has that 'I'm starting to get annoyed with you' look in her eyes. That's not a statement we want to make; especially with how much things get analyzed in the press."

"Good point," the older man conceded. "Now that you mention it, she does look a little annoyed. I think there's a picture around here somewhere of her as a toddler and she has that same look on her face."

"Really?" Castle smiled. "I'd love to see that."

"I'll look for it later."

"No you won't," Kate told him.

Her father glanced at her. "This is my house; I can do what I want here."

"Oh you think so?" she replied before turning to the woman at her side. "Mom?"

"I'll hide the photo albums," Johanna assured her.

Kate smirked at her father. "How do you like that?"

"I know how to get around her," Jim remarked as Castle paused on another photo.

"This one is good; Kate looks better in this one."

Johanna stifled a laugh as Kate shot her writer a glare. "Not that you don't always look your best," he hurriedly amended.

"Uh huh," she replied.

"That one is better of Katie," Jim remarked; "But that's Johanna's 'I'm just humoring you' look, and that isn't one of her better expressions."

Castle nodded. "I've seen that look on her face before."

"That doesn't surprise me; but she has better looks and we should find one of them."

"Hey, Jim; what look am I wearing now?" his wife asked as she regarded him with narrowed eyes.

He smiled sheepishly. "That's your 'keep it up and you'll sleep alone tonight' look."

Her lips curved into a smirk. "Congratulations honey; you get the gold star for guessing correctly."

Castle chuckled as he caught Jim's eye. "She can give quite a look."

"She knows how to make a statement without even saying a word, that's for sure," he agreed.

"Now I know where Kate gets it from."

"I could've told you that."

Kate rolled her eyes as Johanna shook her head. "I have a feeling that they've formed a support group to deal with their experiences with us," the older woman remarked.

"That's fine," her daughter replied. "We'll just form our own group and it'll be better than theirs."

"Well we know right off the bat that the membership standards for our group are much higher," her mother answered.

"Hey," the men protested; making them laugh in response.

"Jim, I think your wife needs a nap. She seems a little cranky today."

Johanna looked to Castle. "Is that any way to talk after I gave you cake this morning?"

"The cake was delicious, but you're still a little cranky, which is fine. You're a woman; you're entitled to your cranky days...even at your age."

"Oh, you're going to pay for that," Kate murmured with a shake of her head.

"Might I remind you, Mr. Castle; that I still need to leave a review for your latest book on Amazon?" Johanna stated as she eyed him.

His jaw dropped. "You wouldn't."

"Try me."

A boyish grin spread across his lips. "Now you know I was only teasing you. If I didn't know you were Kate's mother; I'd surely mistake you as her sister."

Johanna eyed him. "Her cranky sister?"

"You, cranky?" he asked; "Never. That's why it was such a joke, because you don't have a cranky bone in your body."

"Mhmm," she responded.

"You're going to be nice in your review, right?"

"I'll think about it."

"When are you going to leave it, and under which name will it be?" Castle asked.

Johanna smiled. "I can't tell you that."

"Why not?"

"It would ruin the surprise."

He turned to Kate. "You'll find out for me, right?"

"No," she said with a shake of her head. "I'm kind of looking forward to watching you refresh the reviews page every hour to see if you can pick out which one is hers."

Johanna laughed. "Take pictures of that, Katie."

"Oh I will, and then we can see if he's looking too annoyed or if his smile is too fake."

"Jim, where do they get this evilness from?"

He shrugged. "Well I think some of it comes from Johanna's father and I think the rest of it came from my mother. I think she might've rubbed off on Johanna a little."

"James Beckett, you will pay for that one," Johanna remarked.

"I'm not afraid," he quipped as he and Castle examined another picture.

"This one would've been good if they had been looking at the camera."

"Yeah; this would've been good too but they're trying too hard to act natural."

"I feel like I'm being pimped," Kate commented.

"So do I," her mother replied. "Do you think we're going to get paid when they're done?"

She scoffed. "They couldn't afford us."

"That's true."

"What about this one?" Castle asked Jim.

"Just pick one!" Kate exclaimed.

"We're trying to," Castle replied; "But it has to be the right one. We want to make sure we get your good sides…not that either one of you have any bad sides."

Johanna sighed as she looked at her daughter. "Why didn't we just take it ourselves?"

"Because your daughter was blinded by her love for me," Castle remarked.

"Is that what it was, Katie?"

"Well…I don't have any other excuse so I guess I'll have to go with that one."

"Has your vision been restored yet?" her mother asked.

"Oh yeah, it's back," she replied as she sat down her coffee cup and grabbed the phone from Castle's hand.

"Hey! What are you doing?"

"Picking a damn picture," she answered. "You two had your chance and now we'll do it."

"Do we get veto power?'

"No," both women answered as Kate swiped her finger across the screen.

The men wisely grew silent as the woman pondered their options, and finally they looked at each other and smiled. "This one," Kate announced as she turned the phone to show them their choice.

They were both smiling in the photo; their real smiles, and it reflected in their eyes, just as Castle said it should. They looked every inch the happy and loving mother and daughter duo.

"I like it," Jim stated.

"Excellent choice," Castle agreed.

Johanna grabbed the phone before Kate could hand it back to Castle. "May I ask one favor?" she questioned as she eyed the writer.

"Anything," he answered.

She hesitated for a moment but then spoke. "Will you wait until Katie is home from work for the evening before you tweet the picture?"

Understanding dawned in his eyes. She wanted to make sure Kate was home safely before the picture made the rounds and became the latest news topic. "Yes; I will do that for you," he told her. "It'll give me time to think of what to say anyway."

She smiled gratefully and handed him his phone. "Thank you."

"No problem," he replied; and after deleting the discarded photos, he and Kate said their goodbyes and left.

* * *

After Kate and Rick had taken their leave; Jim moved back to the kitchen where Johanna was still lingering; seemingly at odds with herself as she paced in front of the sink.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

"Yeah; why wouldn't I be?"

"You're pacing."

Johanna paused in her tracks; she hadn't even realized she was doing it. "I'm just trying to think of something to do. It's too early to start dinner and I already cleaned the kitchen this morning before we went out."

"How about we just go into the living room and you take a break for awhile?" Jim suggested. "I'm sure we can find something to watch on TV."

"It's midday," she replied. "All that's on are talk shows; even Temptation Lane isn't on yet."

"We'll check the classic channels; there's bound to be a rerun there. Come on; you don't need to pace a hole in the kitchen floor, sweetheart."

Johanna gave a nod and slipped her hand into his, allowing him to lead her to the living room. They settled down on the sofa together and Jim grabbed the remote from the stand to channel surf as silence wrapped around them.

"Do you want to talk about it?" he asked after a few moments.

"Talk about what?"

"The picture," Jim answered. "Are you sure you're alright with going through with it? It's not too late to change your mind."

"I believe it is too late," she replied. "Katie already has it and she's determined to put it out there."

"You can call and tell her that you changed your mind if you don't want to go through with it."

Johanna's jaw tightened with tension. "If you didn't want me to do it, why didn't you speak up when I was practically begging you to this morning when they were here and I was basically deferring the decision to you?"

"I didn't say I didn't want you to do it; I said I understood your reasons for being opposed to it. I know you wanted me to make the decision for you this morning, Jo; but I couldn't; that was your choice to make, not mine."

She sighed. "I know; I'm sorry."

"You don't have to be sorry," he replied. "Just tell me what's on your mind."

Johanna breathed deeply as she reached for the throw on the back of the couch and drew it around her, warding off the chill that her nerves always brought about. "I worry about it making things worse but it doesn't seem like it's ever going to get better at this point so what's difference?"

"It'll get better one day soon," Jim promised. "It's just going to take time. Things might be…heightened for a day or two after the picture is released but it'll settle down eventually; there have been small reprieves here and there."

"I can't wait until it's a permanent one."

"I know…I'm looking forward to that day too. We'll all feel better when it's allowed to settle."

Johanna leaned her head back against the couch and wrapped her blanket more tightly around her. What she wouldn't give for things to be settled once and for all. She wanted to feel like she had her feet firmly planted on the ground again.

Jim slid down the sofa toward her, his arm reaching for her and maneuvering her into the cradle of his arms. "Cold?" he asked as he held her.

"You know I'm always cold this time of year," she murmured, relaxing into his side and soaking in his warmth.

"Do you want me to turn the heat on?"

"No; it's too early for that; it's just my nerves."

"It's going to be alright, Jo. I won't let anyone hurt you, I promise."

"I know…I'm not really worried about that."

"Then what are you worried about?"

That was a hard question to answer; sometimes she wasn't sure what she was worried most about. Some days she wasn't sure what it was she was afraid of. It was frustrating and she didn't quite know how to put into words how jumbled her feelings could get. Sometimes it pressed down on her so much that she was afraid it would steal her breath…and for a moment it did, until Jim's hand rubbed soothingly against her arm, his lips brushing against her temple.

"Just breathe, Jo," he murmured. "It's going to be fine; I've got you."

She sucked in a deep breath and then exhaled slowly, her breathing quickly falling back into its normal pattern. "Just breathe," she silently repeated to herself.

"Tell me what's troubling you the most," her husband coaxed.

"I don't know," she admitted. "Sometimes I'm not sure what it is…some days it's one thing and other days another…it probably sounds crazy."

"No; it's not crazy. I understand. You have a full plate you're dealing with…and I'm sure today that Sharon is staying on your mind as well."

"I suppose so," Johanna said softly.

"She said she'll call."

She shook her head. "I doubt it."

He hugged her tighter. "Don't give up hope so easily, sweetheart. She'll come around."

"I hope so…but I understand if she doesn't."

"Well I won't," her husband remarked.

She smiled and stifled a yawn as focused her attention on the television, hoping they could end the conversation about her worries and fears…and possible regret of giving in to Katie.

"Why don't you try to sleep a little," Jim suggested. "You didn't sleep much last night…maybe you'd feel better if you took a nap before dinner."

A nap sounded good, Johanna thought to herself as she nodded against his shoulder. She needed a nice nap, a relaxing dinner and a few days of peace…and some time to breathe. She allowed her eyes to flutter shut while she prayed that Kate's idea would work and a brief reprieve would be granted.

* * *

"Are you sure you really want to do this?" Castle asked that evening as he and Kate sat at his dining room table.

She pushed her hair back from her face and nodded. "Yeah, I want to get them off my back."

He laid down his phone and held her gaze. "You do know that this isn't a guarantee that they'll back off for awhile, right?"

"Yes, are you trying to talk me out of it or what?"

"No; I just want to make sure you're keeping that in mind just in case it doesn't change anything. I can already imagine you glaring at me and telling what a stupid idea it was and how you shouldn't have listened to me."

"Castle; that isn't going to happen. I know there's a possibility that it won't help; but like I told my mother, I have to try."

He nodded and picked up his phone and she watched as he made his Twitter account appear. He could admit to himself that he felt a small amount of nervousness about taking on this responsibility, he thought as he uploaded the photo. It had been his idea, and he agreed with Kate's decision to go through with it but there was a small part of him that felt like they had forced Johanna into something she didn't really want to do. As Castle stared at the blinking cursor in the text box, he brushed that thought aside. Johanna could hide if she wanted but Kate couldn't; and what was best for Kate trumped Johanna's doubts and hesitation in his mind.

"Did you figure out what you're going to say?" Kate asked; pulling him from his thoughts.

"Yes," he replied. "It's subtle and casual but intriguing enough to make people want to click to see the photo. Just don't hurt me for the phrasing."

Her brow rose. "What are you going to write that might lead me to violence?"

"This," he said as he began to type. "My muse, proving that beauty is indeed an inherited trait."

"Why would I hurt you for that?" Kate asked.

"Well I do recall a time when you said that if I called you my muse, you'd break both my legs."

She rolled her eyes. "You have referred to me as your muse since then, and so far I haven't maimed you."

"So far?" he asked. "You're still considering it?"

"Only when you're trying my patience."

Castle smiled. "So you're not considering it very often then."

"Oh I wouldn't say that."

"On second thought, maybe I don't fear you all that much after all," he remarked.

"Why's that?"

"Because I'm your love slave now," he grinned. "You'll want to keep me in working order."

Kate laughed. "Yeah well, we'll see how long that excuse keeps you safe."

He chuckled but turned serious once more as he stared at the tweet he had yet to send. "You're sure?" he asked again.

"Yes."

"Once it's out there, there's no going back."

"Castle," she exclaimed in exasperation. "Just do it and be done with it!"

He quickly hit the command to send the tweet. "It's done."

A knot suddenly formed in Kate's stomach and she regretted the dinner she had picked at just a half hour before. "It's posted?"

Castle nodded and showed her the tweet. "You okay?" he asked.

She wasn't really sure if she was okay or not. What if it had been a mistake? What if things got worse?

"Kate?"

"I'm fine," she answered out of reflex. "What happens now?"

"Now we go relax in front of the TV and periodically check how many retweets and replies we get. We'll check the news at 11 and see if it's made it there yet. If not, some media outlet should have it by morning. Maybe you should call your mom and let her know it's been done."

Kate picked up her phone and tapped out a quick text message and sent it to her mother.

"You're not going to call?" Castle asked as she laid the phone down.

"No; I don't want to hear it," she replied.

"Hear what?"

"Whatever depressing thing is going through her mind right now about this," she answered. She had enough thoughts rolling through her own mind without adding her mother's to them.

He could see the nervous tension filling her body and knew that she was already having second thoughts about releasing the photo. He gently captured her chin between his thumb and forefinger and turned her face toward him and caught her lips in a tender kiss.

"No matter what; everything's going to be okay," he told her as he looked into her eyes.

She exhaled a weighted breath and offered him a small apologetic smile. "Bear with me, Rick."

"That's not a problem," he assured. "Come on; let's go find a movie to watch."

"Okay," she said as she took his hand and rose from the table. She doubted that a movie would occupy her mind, but she'd do her best for him.

* * *

Johanna and Jim were halfway through dinner when her phone buzzed. She rose from the table and crossed the room to grab it from the counter.

"Who is it?" Jim asked.

"It's a text from Katie," she replied as she opened the message.

" _Castle just tweeted the picture. I'll talk to you later."_

Her stomach twisted into a knot, the dinner she had been enjoying suddenly unappealing.

"What is it?" her husband inquired.

"They tweeted the picture," Johanna answered as she laid the phone down. She didn't have any response to give and she read between the lines of her daughter's message and got the hint that Kate didn't want a response even if she did have something to say.

Jim watched her as she remained at the counter, lost in thought…and he was sure her thoughts were probably things she was better off not thinking about.

"Don't let it worry you, Jo. It's just a picture. By now everyone has seen dozens of pictures of all of us; this is no different."

"It is different; this is the picture they've been wanting."

"Now they have it," Jim remarked. "And they can make of it what they will. None of them matter. Don't get upset before you need to, okay? Let's just wait and see what happens."

"Okay," she replied; brushing a lock of hair back from her face.

She might say okay but she'd still worry all night about it, Jim thought to himself. He had to keep her calm and occupied while they waited for the inevitable. "Sweetheart, are there any more potatoes?"

The question pulled her from her thoughts and spurred her into action as she moved to the stove. "Yeah, I've been keeping them warm in case you wanted more," she told him as she picked up the pot and carried it to the table. She spooned more mashed potatoes onto his plate and then returned the pot to the stove. "Do you want more gravy?"

"Of course," he answered. "If you made it, I always want more."

She smiled and poured more gravy into the bowl that sat in the center of the table. "I guess it's better than your mother's."

He laughed. "Everything you make is better than my mother's. Now sit back down and finish your dinner."

Johanna wasn't really hungry anymore but from the way he was eyeing her, she knew it would be useless to say so or to attempt to start the clean up of the kitchen. She retook her seat and poured some more gravy over her roast and then picked up her fork.

He could tell that her mind was already starting to drift and he quickly started a new line of conversation. "Guess who Jeff ran into the other day."

"Who?"

"One of your all time favorite people; Stanley Carmichael."

"Oh my God," Johanna said; "He's still around?"

"Yeah, he is," Jim laughed.

"Is he still a major league jackass?"

"Now sweetheart, you know he is. There's no cure for that."

She laughed. "Did Jeff torment him for old time's sake?"

"He wouldn't be Jeff if he didn't; and besides, he had material he just couldn't pass up."

Johanna's brow rose. "And what would that be?"

"A very bad toupee that Stanley was wearing."

"Oh I wish I had seen that," she laughed.

"It was awful," Jim replied. "Jeff took a picture and showed me."

"I want to see it!"

"I'll text him when I'm done eating and see if he still has it, he can send it to you."

"I can't wait. I can just imagine Stanley wearing a bad toupee…it seems very fitting. I wonder if he's still giving himself those pep talks in front of the mirror."

"Knowing him he probably is," Jim laughed. "If being caught by Jeff wasn't enough to stop him, nothing will."

She shook her head as she thought of her former nemesis. "I can't believe no one's choked him yet."

"Me neither; but just keep in mind that I did punch him in the face once."

Johanna smiled. "And you still aren't going to tell me what he said about me, are you?"

"Nope," he replied; noting that her food was disappearing at a normal rate as he kept the conversation flowing. "You don't need to know. How about after dinner we find something to watch on TV and play cards?"

"That sounds good to me," she answered as she picked up her glass and took a sip. "Has Jeff had any other run-ins that you forgot to tell me about?"

He smiled; she wanted to keep the conversation going; that was good. He had her mind settled for now and he just had to keep it that way. "Not that I know of, but I did forget to give you a message from someone I saw the other day when I was heading into the office to help Zach with that case."

"Who was it?"

"Angie," he replied; and her eyes lit up at the sound of his niece's name. "I swear I meant to tell you, Jo; but I got to working on that case and it just slipped my mind until you mentioned running into people."

"It happens," she said with a dismissive wave of her hand. "What's my message?"

"She told me to tell you that she loves you and that she can't wait to see you."

Johanna smiled; that was a pleasing thought. She'd much rather think about Angie and whatever stories Jim had to tell about former colleagues instead of thinking about what was to come in terms of the news and headlines now that they had given in and released that picture. "Just breathe," she reminded herself. "What was done was done and there was nothing she could do about it…she just had to breathe…she had to focus her mind on Jim and keep the conversation flowing so that she could forget enough to get through the rest of dinner before the news inevitably broke.

Jim subtly watched her as she retreated into her thoughts for a moment. He wished he could do something more other than offer pieces of gossip, family news and ask for second helpings…but he was at a loss. He wished he could make it all better for her and Katie; for all of them; but it was out of his hands and it wasn't easy to admit that…just like there was a part of him that hated to admit that he regretted not making the decision for Johanna when she had subtly asked him to that morning. She hadn't wanted to go through with it…and truth be told; he wasn't all that keen on the idea either. He just wanted to protect her; wanted to keep her safe from prying eyes and lying tongues and the maliciousness of people like the Brackens who had no qualms about hurting people.

He didn't want to shove her into the public eye anymore than she already was. He didn't want everyone in the world knowing what his wife looked like and where she lived; who knew what kind of nuts were out there…but he couldn't let on to her that he worried about things like that sometimes. He had to stay calm and level headed; Johanna felt everything with every inch of her heart and soul; he, on the other hand could take more logical, practical approaches. He just had to be calm and unaffected and it should help her be the same way. They'd get through it…they had managed to get through worse things.


	3. Chapter 3

_Authors Note: Thanks for your reviews!_

Chapter 3- Bright Lights

" _Who will save me from all I'm up against out in this world?" –Matchbox Twenty_

"How bad do you think it's going to be?" Johanna finally allowed herself to ask as she glanced away from the cards in her hand to look at her husband.

Jim picked up the card she had discarded and met her gaze. "I don't know…I'm sure there will probably be a little bit of fuss over the picture but it shouldn't last too long…there isn't much there for them to talk about."

"That never seems to stop anyone though," she remarked. "It seems like so called journalists nowadays just keep bringing it up and finding some little tiny thing to remark upon to keep it going…and some people make things up to embellish the story. You know how it is."

"You just have to try not to think about it," he told her. "Whatever it is that they say about it, you have no control over."

"I don't like that feeling of having no control," she murmured. "I don't like being talked about by people I don't even know. I don't like knowing that people are sitting around judging me as they watch the news."

"I know…I don't like it either; if I could make it go away for you I would."

Johanna gave him a wobbly smile. "I just wish it would all go away."

"It's going to be fine," he assured. "They'll talk about it tonight and maybe tomorrow and then it'll be old news. It's just a picture; there aren't any statements to dissect. We'll be fine."

"I know," she said with a sigh as she turned her attention back to her cards. "It just makes me nervous."

Jim's gaze met hers. "If it makes you feel any better, it makes me nervous too."

"It does make me feel a little better," Johanna admitted. "Do you think it's been picked up by the news sites yet?"

"It's possible but we're not going to log on to the computers and find out. We'll wait for the news tonight at eleven."

"Why can't we just look online and see if it's there yet?"

"Because we both know how people on the internet are," he said seriously. "People are nastier when they have the ability to hide behind a screen name, or worse yet, no name at all."

"That's true," she replied with a nod as she laid down another card. "I've already gotten a glimpse of the nastiness from previous news cycles."

"Which is why were not logging on," Jim remarked. "You don't need to see more; because you know there's some smart ass out there saying something that nobody wants to hear just so they can feel important."

She didn't doubt it for a moment; the internet was full of people who liked to spread their special brand of sunshine. Her husband was right; she didn't need to see it…although she knew that at some point, she'd sneak a look…because she couldn't help herself. She had to know what was being said and discussed, as if storing away the information would somehow help her if she ever had to break her silence. She was afraid of being caught off guard. She was afraid of what might be made up about her…about any former enemies she had that they might dig up and pay to tell some embellished story about their hatred of her. It wasn't a pleasant thought. Thoughts like that made it hard to sleep at night…especially when coupled with the worries about her daughter suddenly seeing her differently again…because she was sure that she did.

"Hey," Jim said, bumping her foot under the table. "It's your turn."

"Sorry," she murmured as she focused her thoughts back on the game.

"Jo," her husband said. "Try not to get yourself too worked up before we even hear the news, okay? Just try to relax and forget it for a little while."

"I'll try," Johanna replied; but it wouldn't be easy…in fact, she was sure it would be impossible given the size of the knot in her stomach.

* * *

"How long has it been?" Kate asked with a pointed glance at Castle's phone.

"It's ten minutes later than the last time you asked," he answered.

"Well shouldn't you check the damn thing?" she replied; agitation seeping into her tone. Now that the picture of her and Johanna was floating around out there in cyber space, she just wanted to get the initial sting of reaction over with. Her mind had been in turmoil ever since Castle had sent the tweet, and she was having second thoughts about the whole thing. Of course it was a little late for second thoughts, she reminded herself. The deed was already done; there was no going back, just as she had been warned…but a part of her wished she could go back and change her mind.

"It's barely been an hour, Kate."

"So? I thought you'd be bouncing off the walls with energy over this; checking it every five minutes to see how it was doing. Why are you being so calm about this?"

"Because you're on edge enough for both of us," he answered. "I figured if we waited an hour, it would not only give the picture time to circulate, but it would also give you time to get absorbed in the movie and maybe relax a little."

She arched a brow. "Did you really think that was going to happen?"

"No; but I had hope."

"Guess I popped your bubble again," she replied; forcing a small smile to her lips as she tried to lighten her mood...a task that felt somewhat impossible but she'd try for his sake.

"I'm used to it," Castle quipped; returning her smile as he fiddled with his phone and opened his Twitter account. "549 re-tweets so far," he announced. "That's pretty good for a tweet that's barely an hour old."

"What about comments?"

His gaze moved down the screen; quickly reading the comments before relaying a summary to Kate. "It looks like everyone is of the opinion that you're both gorgeous. See, I told you everything would be fine."

Kate eyed him and then snatched the phone from his hand. "What are you doing?" he asked.

"You didn't really think I was just going to take your word for it, did you?"

"Well you'd think that you'd take my word for things now that I've seen you naked."

Her gaze snapped back to his face. "What does that have to do with anything?"

"Nothing, I just like saying it," he grinned.

"I should've known," she laughed; but the gesture quickly died on her lips as she read one of the comments.

"What's wrong?"

 _"I think your muse was better off when her mother was 'dead'_ ," she read aloud.

"That's just one person's opinion, Kate. We both expected to see a few negative comments like that."

"I know...but expecting it and seeing it is two different things. Listen to this one; "She must be really stupid to forgive her mother so easily."

"Kate..."

"Johanna Beckett isn't deserving of sympathy."

"Kate."

"The muse and the fraud...or maybe the better term is fool; that's what her mother made her out to be," she continued to read. " _If I was her I wouldn't be sitting there with that liar, acting like I was happy."_

"Beckett, stop," he said firmly.

"How can I stop, Castle? It's there, how can I not read it? I'm eventually going to see it somewhere anyway; I may as well get it over with now. Look at this one from Vixen_MTC; _"There is no beauty in being a martyr for a cause that doesn't exist or in being a coward who abandons her family to save herself."_

"I really don't think we should pay much heed to someone who calls themselves Vixen_MTC; clearly that person is heartless, to say the least," Castle stated. "I just wonder what the MTC stands for...married twenty criminals? Mighty tough chestnut? Malicious tongued creature?"

She gave a short laugh. "I don't think you're on your A game tonight, Castle."

"I don't know about that; I managed to make you laugh a little."

She gave him a hint of a smile. "I retract the statement."

"Thank you; but listen, don't let the negative comments get to you. It's the internet; you're always going to find a few crazies."

"I deal with enough crazies at work," she replied.

He pondered that for a moment before glancing at her with a look of mock suspicion. "Was that a shot at me?"

"No," Kate answered; a brief smile touching her lips before she frowned once again. _"How can she sit next to someone who caused her so much pain?"_

 _"How can Johanna Beckett look her family in the face after what she did to them?"_

 _"If I was Detective Beckett, I'd never trust her or forgive her."_

"Here's one that wants to know what you really think about all of this, Castle."

He gently pulled the phone from her hand; "I'm sure there are probably a few of those; along with a few questioning the true nature of our relationship; but let's forget about all of those and read some of the positive ones, okay?"

She gave a nod and he began to pluck the positive comments from amongst the rubbish.

 _"They're both gorgeous; hopefully they'll have some peace soon."_

 _"Beautiful as well as courageous. I hope they can be happy now."_

 _"It's so nice to see this mother and daughter reunited; I hope it all works out for them."_

 _"Hoping this second chance for these ladies means a new character in the life of Nikki Heat."_

 _"Kate and Johanna Beckett were the victims in this; they don't deserve to be vilified."_

 _"So beautiful; it's nice to see them smiling."_

 _"I feel so badly for the way they're being treated in the press. It isn't fair; no one has the right to judge them like that."_

" _I have a feeling she inherited far more than just beauty from her mother."_

Castle read a few more out loud to her and then caught her eye. "See, there's support out there; there are people who see this situation for what it is and they have compassion for both of you and know that you deserve what you're going through."

"Those people are hard to hear among the rest," she replied quietly. "It's hard to live with the fact that people are sitting around dissecting your life and judging you and the people you love for something you had no control over. I don't like being on display like this. When Nikki Heat first started; there was attention on me, still is in a small respect to that area and at first it bothered me…a lot; but then I realized it wasn't really all that invasive like I had feared and once the novelty wore off; it died down and evaporated into nearly nothing with the exception of the book release parties. But this…this is on a whole other scale. They're just constantly digging for any scrap they can get, either about me or my mother or about you and me, or about all of us as a whole and it's suffocating in some ways. I thought this might help; but after seeing some of those comments all I can think about is, if that's what normal, everyday people like me are thinking and saying, then what are they going to say on the news and in the papers? Did I just make things worse?"

Castle laid his phone aside and then wrapped an arm around Kate; pulling her snugly against him. "You haven't made things worse. The things we just read…they aren't anything you haven't already heard," he said gently.

"I know," she replied; wrapping her arms around him tightly. "But I heard those things from the press…not the public at large. I know I probably sound like a broken record about all of this but…"

"No," he responded; rubbing his hand against her back. "I get it, really I do. This is tough for you, you aren't used to this kind of attention and you don't want it, but I promise it isn't going to be this way forever, Kate. One day you're going to wake up and be old news and you'll be able to put it all behind you. People are going to think what they want; you can't change that or control it."

"It's like some of them enjoy it though; like they get some kind of thrill out of other people's misery; and that shouldn't be a surprise to me. I've seen this happen to other people; I've seen this sort of thing go towards motives at work…and yet I can't help but be surprised by it when it's directed at me."

"That's probably because no one ever expects it to happen to them," he answered. "But you're going to get through it; and at the risk of joining you in the broken record club, I'm here, you're not doing this alone."

She tipped her head up to press a kiss against his lips and then laid her head on his shoulder. "Do you think it's going to make the news tonight?"

"I don't know; let's see if its appeared on the news feeds on the internet," he said as he shifted and reached for his laptop which he had moved to the coffee table with this purpose in mind. It took him only a matter of minutes to find what he was looking for.

"First photo surfaces of Kate and Johanna Beckett together."

Kate glanced at him. "I guess we're making the news tonight."

Castle nodded. "That looks to be a safe bet; but that's good; the sooner they report it, the sooner they can move on to something else."

She smiled at that thought. "Right; and maybe they'll go bother someone else tomorrow."

He put his laptop back on the stand and then pulled her back into his arms. "We can hope; but for now, try to relax and enjoy the rest of the movie. Eleven o'clock news casts will be here soon enough."

She snuggled against him; exhaling a long steadying breath. Everything would be fine…she hoped.

* * *

"Jo; stop," Jim gently admonished. "You really don't need to be dusting at this time of night."

"I have to do something," she remarked. "There's still forty-five minutes until the news comes on."

"You just dusted there the other day."

"That doesn't mean I can't do it again."

He got up from the sofa and crossed the room to where she stood at the book case. He gently pried the cloth and furniture polish out of her hands and set the objects aside, catching her hands as she went to retrieve them. "Stop," he said quietly as his hands slid to her wrists and curled around them, holding her in place. "I know you're nervous but cleaning the house all night isn't going to help…and it's already clean."

"Then what am I supposed to do?" she asked. "I hate waiting; it drives me crazy."

"I know; but you need to try and settle down or you won't be able to sleep tonight."

Johanna looked at him incredulously. "Do you really think for a minute that I'm going to sleep tonight?"

He smiled as he released her wrists and drew her into his arms. "I know you probably won't sleep well, but you'll be able to go to sleep easier if you try to settle a little. Why don't you go up and get your shower and we'll move upstairs for the rest of the night. I'll make you a cup of tea and it'll be waiting on you when you're done."

She exhaled a heavy breath. "Okay…maybe I can try to read a little before the news comes on."

"That's a good idea," Jim told her as he rubbed her back. "Try to think positively; it might be one of those 15 second segments that they mention and move on from. It might not be as bad as we think."

Johanna managed to give him a small smile as he released her. She hoped he was right…she hoped there was some bigger news story that would make theirs practically obsolete.

* * *

Time was passing slowly as they waited on the eleven o'clock newscast, and Castle could sense Kate's unease growing as each second dragged by. The movie wasn't distracting her at all; she was too busy checking the tweet every ten minutes; analyzing new comments and keeping track of the number of re-tweets. In a new effort to distract her, he picked up his laptop and opened up the Amazon page for his book and began reading reviews out loud.

"Do you think this one is from your mother?" he asked. "A good read, but somewhat predictable."

"I doubt it," Kate replied as she frowned at his phone.

"How about this one; "One of the best books of the year. No one comes close to Mr. Castle's skill with the written word."

"Definitely not," she laughed. "There's no way she'd stroke your ego like that."

"Why are you laughing? You don't agree with that review?" he asked; feigning distress at the idea.

"Castle, that review sounds like it was written by you."

His gaze darted away for a split second. "I did not write that."

Kate eyed him as if he was a suspect in the interrogation room. "You did write it, didn't you?"

"I didn't leave this review," he reiterated.

She continued to study him; picking up on his tells. "But you wrote it for whoever left it, isn't that right?"

He did his best not to squirm but didn't succeed entirely. "Would I do that?"

"Castle."

"What?"

"Who did you pay?"

"I resent the implication," he remarked.

"Tell me who it was, Castle."

He coughed a name. "What was that?" she asked. "I didn't quite catch it."

His eyes darted away from her. "Ryan."

"Ryan!"

"Yes," he whined. "His rates are more reasonable than Esposito's."

She shook her head at him. "I can't believe you did that!"

"Every good review helps, Beckett. Besides; I'm hardly the first author to offer a little compensation for a glowing endorsement."

"You get plenty of non-solicited reviews that are full of praise."

He chuckled. "Yeah but here's the thing, we always want more and there's no harm in it; it helps up my rating. What name do you think your mother will use to leave her review?"

"I don't know; but I'm pretty sure you're wasting your time. She's not going to leave you a review today when she has that run in with Sharon on her mind and this picture floating around on the internet, ready to become the next headline."

"I've taken that theory into consideration, but then I thought; what if that's what she wants me to think? She wants to torment me; so she's going to leave it when I least expect it, and then of course; I have to find which one belongs to her and if I'm not looking for it, that would make it even harder. I'm on to her. She could be shifty like that."

Kate's eyes were once again on the comments of the tweet. "Castle; I think the less said about my mother's ability to be shifty right now, the better."

"Kate," he said gently; "Don't let the opinions of other people get into your head and make you think differently of her. You've come a long way with her."

"That doesn't mean it can't still hurt, Rick," she replied softly as she laid the phone aside.

"I know it still hurts; but you said you forgave her..."

"Again, that doesn't mean it can't still hurt."

"Agreed; I just don't want you to let all of these voices into your head. These people don't matter; but you do. She has plenty of people against her, and when you get right down to it, all she really has is you and your dad. I don't think she could handle it if she lost you now after she had that big taste of hope that everything was going to be okay between the two of you."

"She's not losing me," Kate stated. "It's just...hard to have it all dragged up publicly and to be reminded of it; not that I'm in danger of forgetting. Some people might like broadcasting their pain for the world but I don't. I hate it. I hate having people pick at things that are better off left alone."

He put his laptop aside and drew her into his arms. "I know," he said quietly before brushing a kiss against her hair. "I'm sorry you have to go through this. I wish there was something more I could do...but I just don't know what it is right now."

"There's nothing you can do," she replied as she snuggled into him. "Besides what you've already been doing that is."

"I'm going to try harder to think of something better," Castle promised.

Kate smiled slightly as she clung to him. "I just want it to go away."

"I know you do; and one day it will...but not right now."

"This is one of those things I wish you could make different if you were writing it."

"If I could, I would. I'd rewrite anything that hurt you, Kate."

Tears sprung to her eyes and she tipped her head up to kiss him tenderly. "I love you."

"I love you too; and don't worry; it seems like all of this attention and the stress will last forever; but it won't. You'll look back on it one day and laugh."

She regarded him with a raised brow; her eyes screaming the sentiment "Are you serious?"

He smiled. "Okay so maybe you won't laugh...but you'll be able to look back and say I got through it as I do all things."

"I'm looking forward to that day."

"I'm sure you're not the only one. It's just about time for the news," Castle said; keeping one arm around her as he reached for the remote.

Kate took a deep breath and then released it slowly. "Here we go...again."

As the newscast began, she found a part of herself hoping that the picture wouldn't be mentioned, while on the other hand she was anxious to get it over with, just as she had been with the comments online. Castle kept her tucked against his side; rubbing a soothing hand along her arm as the news anchor droned on about stories they couldn't even bring themselves to pretend to care about.

" _Tonight, the first photo of Johanna and Kate Beckett together has surfaced in a tweet posted by author Richard Castle_ …"

They watched intently as the photo appeared on the screen, along with the caption of Castle's tweet. The anchorwoman gave a summary of their ordeal and then proceeded to speak of them as video from their most recent sightings in public played on.

"She looks terrified," Castle commented as they viewed the footage of Johanna and Jim as they had left the restaurant the night before.

"How can you tell? She has those damn sunglasses on," Kate remarked. "She always has those sunglasses on."

"I can tell by her body language," he replied; the rest of his statement dying on his lips as the report continued on, along with more footage.

"… _Johanna Beckett, who has spent the last thirteen years in witness protection, has yet to make a public statement about her ordeal; or any statement about anything for that matter. She tends to keep herself locked away in her home and on the occasions when she does step out into public, she keeps herself concealed behind a pair of dark sunglasses, her head often lowered as she shuns the attention of the media. She never says a word, never smiles and always clings to her husband. She's never seen alone, and until today, she's never been seen with her daughter, Kate; which has lead to much speculation that the two are estranged._

 _Kate Beckett is a detective with the NYPD in the homicide division; and she's the woman who ultimately arrested Senator William H. Bracken last month in connection to the case involving her mother. Detective Beckett is widely known as the inspiration for the character of Nikki Heat in a series of novels written by Richard Castle…"_

"They threw this big segment together pretty quick, didn't they?" Kate asked as they continued on about her and Castle's involvement with the 12th precinct.

"They've probably been preparing for it in advance," he replied.

"We asked people on the street outside our studio for their opinion…"

"This should be good," she muttered.

"…The picture is nice but I'd like to hear them tell their side of the story on camera…"

"Don't hold your breath," Kate remarked.

"…I don't think they're as innocent in all of this as they want to act; the mother was a lawyer; the daughter's a cop; you know their hands aren't squeaky clean…"

"You don't know us," she couldn't help but yell back at the screen.

Which was sort of the point, Castle thought to himself; they wouldn't talk and no one was getting to know them the way they should in order to have a more informed opinion about the matter. He'd keep that thought to himself though; it was best not to rock the boat right now.

"… _I think everyone needs to let them alone."_

"Finally, a voice of reason," Kate exclaimed.

"… _I agree that she needs to talk; but I guess if I had put my family through what she did, I wouldn't want to talk about it either. You know she has to be ashamed…"_

They aired a few more opinions and then switched back to the news crew. "What do you thinks?" the anchorwoman, Laura, asked her co-anchor.

"I agree with the majority of people; I want to see them sit down and tell us their story," he answered.

"So do I," Laura agreed; and then with a grin she added; "And I think I want a pair of those sunglasses that Johanna Beckett wears."

The co-anchor Carl laughed. "I think she's starting a trend with those; I don't know what brand they are but that company should probably send her a thank you note."

"She very well could be setting a trend; her sunglasses are mentioned a great deal when she's spotted."

"She has got to stop wearing those damn sunglasses," Kate declared; her voice carrying an edge.

"Kate; if the worst thing they're saying is about the sunglasses; you should probably count yourself lucky."

She pulled away from him; her eyes narrowing slightly as she looked at him. "They're making fun of her, Castle. They're laughing at her, and I don't think it's funny and I don't consider it counting myself lucky. She hangs on to those damn things like a security blanket that she can hide behind."

"Listen; I understand that and maybe she does need to stop cowering so much; but you and everyone else has to think of this; for thirteen years, she was living in a world where she couldn't talk about herself. She couldn't get close to anybody. She worked, she had a friend or two, but they weren't close to her; she might have given the impression of being a functioning member of society, but she wasn't, Kate. She was locked up inside of herself for so long; and then psychically locked away in your apartment for several months; and yes, I know, you took her out whenever you could; but she wasn't talking to people outside a small inner circle; she wasn't interacting with the world…and maybe she's forgotten how to do that without fear. It's her nature to hide now."

"Well it's time she stops hiding," she remarked. "It's time for her to be brave and strong; just like she was last month."

"She will be brave and strong again…in her own time."

"You think I'm too hard on her, don't you?" Kate asked quietly after a moments pause.

Castle choose his words cautiously. "Sometimes; but it isn't your intent. I think you just want her to be the person she always was; the person she was learning to become again while staying with you. All of this attention on her is probably a little bit of set back, but I think she'll get there…and so will you."

"Me?"

He nodded. "You're going to feel better soon too, Kate."

She curled back up against him; her arms going around him. "I hope so…because I don't like feeling like this."

"I know," he murmured; once again at a loss of how to make it better; but he'd come up with something…eventually.

* * *

As Johanna sat next to Jim in their bed, she listened intently as the news about the photo was reported. She clutched her book, which she had closed when the stories switched and anxiety filled her as the details of the case were summarized and added to. Finally the news team reappeared, but the photo of her and Kate was still visible on the screen to the side of the news anchor.

"They look so much nicer when they smile," the anchor woman, Vanessa, stated; her tone somewhat snarky.

"Well that the hell do we have to smile about lately?" Johanna asked; her defenses rising.

"What I want to know," the co-anchor replied, "Is how did they convince the mother to take off her sunglasses? I don't think I've ever seen her without them."

Vanessa gave a laugh. "That is a good question. She does seem to where them everywhere; not that she ventures out much. She does seem to be a bit of a recluse."

"I can't imagine why!" Johanna yelled at the television.

"What they say doesn't matter, Jo," Jim stated as he laid a hand against her wrist in hopes of calming her.

"I wear sunglasses because I can't stand all of those flashes going off in my face," she went on in defense of herself; ignoring his statement.

"You don't have to have a reason to wear them," he replied.

"I think instead of a picture, I'd rather hear her talk," the weatherman said as he joined his colleague's conversation. "The daughter only says 'No comment' and the mother doesn't talk at all. She seems to let her husband do her talking for her, not that he says much either."

"I agree," the snarky anchorwoman replied. "I mean she does have a voice, doesn't she? I think she needs to tell her side of the story…"

"It's none of your damn business!" Johanna exclaimed.

"Jo, calm down."

"Don't tell me to calm down," she retorted; pulling her hand away from his touch.

"…Her reluctance to talk only makes people wonder what she has to hide…"

"If I can find your number, I'm going to have plenty to say to you, you twit," she stated as she flung her book across the room in anger.

"That didn't solve anything," Jim remarked as the book hit the floor. "Now you just have to pick it up and you probably lost your page."

Her green eyes blazed as she looked at him. "Well maybe it made me feel better."

"It doesn't seem like it."

"…I'm not so sure I buy this happy family angle they're trying to push," the co-anchor remarked.

Johanna's gaze darted back to the TV screen just in time to see the image of the photo fade as they switched topics. She couldn't stand it. She was being picked apart like a Thanksgiving turkey…but at least the turkey was liked. She didn't care so much about being liked; it was the scrutiny that made her angry; the judgment that strangers so quickly bestowed upon her.

"Don't let them get to you, Johanna," Jim stated gently. "It's only one news team."

"And you think the others are going to be different?"

"They could be."

"I doubt it," she scoffed.

"It wasn't all that bad…it could've been worse."

That was easy for him to say, she thought. He wasn't the one being ridiculed for staying home and wearing sunglasses when she went out. He wasn't the one they were calling a coward. He wasn't the one who was being accused of hiding something. It was all on her; and maybe that was fitting, but she didn't have to like it.

"I knew this picture thing was a bad idea," she stated.

"Then why did you do it?" Jim asked.

"Because I had to."

"You don't have to do anything. You could've said no."

"Oh really?" she asked. "You heard what Katie said…you really think I could say no to her after everything I've put her through? Do you really think I can, Jim?"

"Yes," he answered. "Saying no to Katie doesn't make you any less apologetic about what's happened, Johanna. Letting her guilt trip you for the rest of your life isn't going to make it go away."

"You make it sound so easy."

"It is. You're allowed to say no; and if you don't say no when it's something you feel strongly about…then you have to take some blame for that."

"And keep my mouth shut about it, right?" she asked as she glanced at him; because that was what she was hearing. She wasn't sure if it was her mood going up and down or if it was him bouncing from side to side…not that there were sides, but it suddenly felt like he was changing sides, if there were any.

He released a weighted breath as she threw back the covers and turned her back to him as she sat on the edge of the bed. It was going to be a long night. "I didn't say that."

"I think it was implied."

She was so sensitive, he thought to himself; more sensitive than he could ever recall her being but he figured that was probably only natural right now. "Sweetheart, you've always been able to say anything you want to me, you know that; and that hasn't changed."

It kind of felt like it had, she mused. She felt like he was saying that since she had agreed to the photo, that she wasn't justified to be angry about the comments that were being made on the news about it. She also felt like if she had said no to Kate, she would've been accused of selfishness…and of hiding once again. No matter which way she turned, she was either wrong or not justified in her thoughts and actions. She just couldn't help it…there was just a well of anger simmering deep within her and she was trying very hard to keep it suppressed. She didn't always succeed…like right now. She shouldn't have said anything about the newscast; she should've kept it to herself.

Johanna sighed as she rose from the bed and picked up her robe, slipping into it as she crossed the room on her trek to the door.

"Where are you going?" Jim asked.

"Downstairs…I need to have a moment."

"I thought you were having one here."

"I was," she answered; "But I think maybe I need to have it alone. I'll be back."

"I don't think you should bake anything else for awhile," he commented as she reached for the doorknob. "We have enough now to feed a small village."

Her head fell against the doorframe. She couldn't go out on her own, she couldn't go out in public without attention, she couldn't be angry about something she went along with, she couldn't say no to her daughter, and now she couldn't bake either.

"What can I do then?" she asked somewhat tartly.

"Pick up your book and come back to bed," he replied; ignoring her tone.

Johanna shook her head. "I'm going downstairs."

"Johanna, don't go looking for more news channels."

She turned towards him. "Do you want to make me a list of things I'm not allowed to do?"

He was silent for a moment as he processed that statement. He supposed he had been bossing her around a bit lately…more than she normally would allow. "I'm sorry, sweetheart; I didn't mean to make it seem that way."

She closed her eyes and leaned her head against the door for a moment. "It's not you, it's me. I'm sorry. I'll go downstairs for a little while and find something to do and then I'll be fine and I'll come back to bed."

Jim nodded reluctantly. "Alright; if that's what you feel like you need to do."

"I won't be long," she promised. "I just need to…have that moment and get over it."

He scrubbed a hand over his face as she slipped out of the room. Tomorrow he wasn't going to say a word when she hid away upstairs, and he wasn't going to mention their next venture out of the house. He would make sure to hide the newspaper and keep the TV tuned to anything but news and talk shows. He'd give her a break tomorrow; today had been too much, from Kate's visit to her run in with Sharon, and the photo taking and then the news. She was entitled to a bad mood tonight; he should've been more understanding.

Johanna's phone rang and he shifted to reach across the bed and snatch it off of her nightstand. 'Katie', the screen read, and he accepted the call with a slight sigh, wondering what her mood was going to be.

"Hello."

"Where's Mom?" his daughter asked.

"Downstairs having a moment as she terms it," Jim replied. "If it's not important, I'd suggest you talk to her in the morning."

"I just wanted to see if she saw anything about the picture…but I guess she has."

"Yeah; that anchorwoman on channel 7 better hope your mother doesn't find her phone number."

"I didn't watch that one," Kate replied. "I watched the news on channel 11…"

"And?"

"And I guess it could've been worse than it was…they just mainly hate our silence."

"Are you changing your mind about that?" Jim asked. "You can, you know. You don't have to be silent because we are. If you want to talk about it, go ahead."

"No, I don't want to do that. I just hope I didn't make things worse with what I've done."

"Everything will be fine, Katie."

"That's what I keep being told."

"Believe it," he told her. "We can't all be wrong."

His daughter was silent for a moment before speaking again. "Is she mad at me?"

"No…she's mad at herself and the world at large but she isn't mad at you."

"You didn't include yourself in that statement; did you make her mad at you?" Kate asked with a soft laugh.

"I might have; I told her not to bake anything else…I took away her stress release so she's probably a little miffed at me and I'll be punished, but I can take it."

"Guess you're in for a long night."

"Most likely."

"I'm sorry," Kate stated.

"For what?"

"I feel like it's partly my fault. Maybe I shouldn't have pushed her."

"She's just had a bad day…or more like two," he amended. "Everything will be fine; you don't need to be sorry."

"Alright…I guess I better go and try to get some sleep. I'll call her sometime tomorrow."

"Goodnight, Katie; I love you."

"I love you too, Dad…pass it on if it seems safe enough."

He chuckled; "I'll tell her."

After they said goodnight, Jim ended the call and put Johanna's phone back on the nightstand, wondering what his wife had found to occupy her time downstairs.

* * *

Johanna closed her laptop after reading the wealth of comments that had been made on Castle's twitter page in regard to his tweet. She wiped a tear away; there had been plenty of kind replies…but there had also been some less than savory ones as well; including the sector of people who made it clear that her daughter should hate her for the rest of her life. Maybe she should, but she didn't want that, and she hoped to keep avoiding it, but she kept thinking about how Kate might change her mind and decide not to want her around after all. She shoved that thought away as she leaned back in her desk chair. Her gaze was drawn towards her mother's piano, and suddenly she felt pulled in that direction, as if Naomi McKenzie was beckoning her to come and sit down.

She hesitated for a moment and then got up from her chair and moved to the piano and pulled out the bench. Again she hesitated, choosing to drop to her knees and open the bench instead of sitting down. All of her mother's sheet music was still stacked neatly inside and Johanna reached in and reverently pulled out the books of sheet music. She ran a hand over the cover of the one on top; imagining all the times her mother had touched them and feeling the connection to her. She sifted through them, and when she pulled more from the bench, one slipped from the stack and fell into her lap. Johanna paused as she glanced down at it. The Sound of Music, the cover read. A pang of longing and grief rippled through her heart. Her parents had taken her to see The Sound of Music when it debuted on Broadway; she had been eight years old, and for once, Frankie and Colleen had been left behind and she had her mother and father all to herself. She had been enthralled with the production from the moment the curtain went up and the enchantment lasted long after it had gone down. She had loved everything about it; especially the music and she had begged her mother to buy the sheet music so they could learn to play it.

That had been her first Broadway show; and her parents had been so pleased with her good behavior during the show that they rewarded her at the end of every school year with a trip to the theater if she had done well in school. She glanced at the emerald ring on her right hand. Those trips to the theater with her parents had been important to her; it had always seemed so odd that her no nonsense father didn't mind sitting through a play once or twice a year. It was even stranger to her that he never seemed to mind taking her. Her memory drifted a bit; recalling an occasion when she had been 15 and had gone to the theater with her father…just the two of them. It was a rare occurrence for him to take her somewhere without someone else being present, and she had cherished that night…as she cherished all of those trips; which lent itself to why the theater was so very special to her. She ran her hand over the music for The Sound of Music and smiled; that first experience would always be her favorite though; just as the hours upon hours she had spent at the piano learning to play the music with her mother at her side, were among her favorite childhood memories.

Johanna carefully picked up the stacks of music she had removed from the bench and placed them back inside; keeping The Sound of Music out. She picked up the sheet music and took a seat on the bench; flipping through the pages of the song book and finding 'The Sound of Music' which had been her favorite number and then placing the book in its proper place. Her eye caught site of the photo sitting atop the piano that showed her and her mother and 5 year old Kate sitting at that very same piano.

"Mama," she whispered as she stared at it for a long moment. "How I wish you were here."

A lump grew in her throat and she swallowed hard. She and Naomi had their ups and downs like all mothers and daughters did; there was no doubt about that, but they had loved one another regardless of what issue might come up between them now and then. The anniversary of her passing was coming up, and that old ache of grief was being felt as she sat on that bench, remembering the beautiful music her mother could craft on that instrument. What she wouldn't give to have her back…to lay her head in her lap and cry out all of her hurts and frustrations as she had done as a child; to feel that soft slender hand move over her head in comfort. A tear broke free and she brushed it away; pushing those thoughts away as well as she lifted the lid and revealed the keys of the piano. It had been 19 years…19 years since she had played; the last time had been at her mother's request, and as she had played every song she knew until her fingers cramped and demanded that she quit, she had known that she'd never get to play for her mother again.

She hesitated; her fingers hovering above the keys before she carefully lowered them into place. After a long moment of contemplation, her fingers began to move, soft notes filling the air as she started off slowly, trying to reacquaint herself with the piece and the instrument.

* * *

Jim was still sitting in their bed, reading a book when the first chords of music reached his ear. At first he thought it was coming from the television which was still playing in the background, but as he glanced at the screen, he realized that it wasn't coming from there at all. He listened intently to the sound. That was a piano…and it was coming from within the house. He was well aware of the fact that they owned a piano; Naomi McKenzie's piano to be exact…but he was also well aware of the fact that his wife hadn't been able to bring herself to play it once her mother was gone.

The music continued; its composer clearly stumbling over a piece of the music as a few misplaced notes filled the air. It had to be Johanna, who else could it be? As he threw back the covers and got out of bed, he couldn't help but wonder what had made her touch those keys for the first time in almost two decades.

* * *

Johanna pulled her hands away from the keys in frustration as she once again stumbled over the notes. A sheen of tears stung her eyes. She was out of practice; she had lost the skill her mother had so lovingly taught her from the age of four. She buried her face in her hands at the thought. Somewhere in the recesses of her mind, she recalled a struggle with a complicated piece of music that she had been learning. She could feel Naomi's hand on her back and her mother's voice sounded in her ear as if she was sitting next to her on the bench as she had been long ago.

" _Relax, Johanna; take a few breaths_ …"

Johanna dropped her hands from her face, her eyes remaining closed as she took a few steadying breaths.

"Remember that you must feel the music; you can't fight it and bend it to your will. You have to connect to it and let it flow through your fingertips. The music guides you, not the other way around. Don't force it or rush it, let it take it's own pace. Just relax and take your time, Bambina. You don't have to be perfect. Now try again."

She opened her eyes and exhaled slowly; forcing herself to let go of the frustration as she repositioned her fingers on the keys and started over.

Jim stood silently in the doorway of their office; his presence going unnoticed as he watched his wife. He had been tempted to say something when he had seen her with her head bowed, but something had held him back, and as she began to play again, he felt that maybe he had been right to remain quiet as she worked through it on her own. She played the piece more smoothly this time; fumbling only twice as she made herself finish the song. Still he said nothing, content to watch her smile in the dim light as she closed her eyes before glancing up at the picture of her mother. She then picked up the sheet music and flipped through it, selecting a different number and putting it back in place. Moments later, the melody of 'My Favorite Things' filled the air. He smiled; he had always loved to watch her play, and as he stood there in the shadows, he could see the tension easing from her body as she concentrated on the music. He wanted to praise her; to tell her how happy Naomi would be that she was playing again, but now wasn't the time. She had found solace, and he'd be a fool to disturb it. He forced his feet to move and headed back for the stairs, the music following him as he went.

It was nearly two when Johanna finally returned to their bedroom; her eyes tired and her head still heavy with thoughts, but more settled now than it had been. Playing the piano had eased most of the tension from her body and she felt like she might able to settle down and sleep now. She moved cautiously toward the bed as her eyes adjusted to the darkness. Her husband was asleep and that was probably for the best, she thought as she tip toed to his side and brushed a soft kiss against his cheek. Quietly she moved away; dropping her robe at the foot of the bed before climbing into her spot and curling up on her side with her back to her husband.

Johanna had no sooner pulled the covers up over her and settled in when Jim moved across the space between them, his arm heavy as it fell across her waist and his chest solid and warm against her back. There was a kiss pressed against her head and his sleepy voice sounded in her ear.

"I bet Naomi was so happy to hear you play again. I bet she was up there in heaven just beaming from ear to ear."

A lump formed in her throat. "You think so?" she asked softly.

"Mhmm."

"I'm not as good as I used to be," Johanna whispered into the darkness; feeling like that statement was true of most things in her life and not just her piano playing.

His arm tightened around her, as if he understood the layers of her statement. "You just need a little practice…and then you'll be just as good as you ever were."

She didn't know what to say to that; especially when there were times when she didn't think she'd ever be as good as she once was in most ways; so she settled for rubbing her hand against his arm in response.

"I thought you did just fine…a few little mistakes along the way doesn't distract from the piece of work as a whole…they just show that you were brave enough to keep going."

"Really?" she asked; a small tremor detectable in her soft tone as she realized that they were indeed talking about much more than just piano playing.

"Yes," Jim answered; "And I'm proud of you for it."

She held back the tears that sprang to her eyes but she did turn towards him; snuggling against him as her arm went around him. "I love you."

"I love you too."

"I'm sorry for earlier," she murmured.

"You were entitled," he replied. "You had a long tough day; try and sleep now, things will look better tomorrow."

Johanna whispered goodnight and then allowed her tired eyes to close, a dull ache forming in her head that she hoped sleep would ease. A better tomorrow was just what she needed; followed by a better week…a better month…and a better year.

* * *

The next morning, Kate took a deep breath as she approached the group of reporters that was waiting on her outside the precinct. Suddenly she regretted the decision of leaving without Castle as he usually acted as her buffer between herself and the media; but it wasn't fair to always put him in that position. Being seen together day and night only fanned the flames of the rumors about their relationship too; and she was sure that no one was going to buy the carpooling for work excuse. She sighed softly as the cameras began to click. She also didn't want to be seen as needing someone to constantly hold her hand. There had been that subtle accusation towards her mother the night before on the news and she wasn't willing to be looked at in the same light. She could take care of herself, she could handle things. She didn't need to use Castle as her crutch; being in a relationship with him didn't give her that right, nor did she want to get into that habit.

"Did you know Mr. Castle was tweeting that picture?" a reporter yelled out to her.

"Is that why he's not with you this morning? Did he do this behind your back?"

She feigned indifference; feeling a flicker of temper at the accusation that she had given him the boot but she felt like answering them would only encourage them and she didn't want that.

"What made you release that picture?" another one called out; apparently under the correct assumption that she had been privy to the whole thing.

"How are you and your mother really getting along? Anyone can fake a smile for a photo op," one of the more vicious vultures declared.

Her jaw tightened but she didn't rise to the bait as she kept walking. They surrounded her, making it hard for her to get away from them as their questions kept coming. "Let me through," she said sternly. "Unlike all of you, I don't get to make my living by harassing people in the street."

"Some might disagree about that," a photographer laughed.

Kate shot him a glare, which he in turn clicked a photo of. "How come you don't hide behind sunglasses like your mama?" he taunted. "Is it because you're the brave one and she's the coward."

"My mother isn't a coward," she stated through clinched teeth; although she sometimes felt that Johanna was acting a bit cowardly by hiding so much but that was completely different from what they were implying…at least she hoped it was.

"When are you going to give an interview?"

" _How do you feel about…" "What do you think of…" "Why…"_

The voices swirled around her, their sentences blending into each other as they rang in her ears. Every time she moved, they moved with her. So much for their brilliant idea about a photo making them go away. They weren't ever going away; that was starting to become clear.

"Back off of her," Esposito's firm voice called out from somewhere nearby.

The hoard turned toward him and she felt a hand wrap around her elbow and hustle her out of the crowd while they were distracted. She turned her head to see who had a hold of her arm and her gaze connected with Ryan's. The detective gave her a smile as he hurried her inside. "You looked like you needed a little back up out there."

"Thanks," she replied sincerely; forcing a small smile to her lips. How she hated having to be rescued yet again.

"It's not a problem," he assured. "Where's Castle?"

"I gave him the morning off from being my paparazzi bodyguard. He'll be here later."

Ryan smiled at the comment but took note of her tone and demeanor and fell quiet in response to it.

* * *

Jim pulled the curtain back enough for a quick glance outside and as he expected, there were a few members of the press milling around on the sidewalk in front of the house. He allowed the curtain to fall back in place and then rubbed the back of his neck; feeling the tension that was knotting his muscles. He hated those people. This was one of those things you saw on the news but never expected to happen to you; and now that it had happened to them; he had a whole new respect for people who had to put up with the rabid press that camped out on their doorsteps. It wasn't an easy thing to live with, there was no denying that.

He moved to the door and released the locks; preparing himself for the scramble of grabbing the newspaper as he tried to avoid detection. Jim eased open the front door and quickly unlatched the screen door, pushing it open just enough for him to grab the newspaper from the porch. He wasn't lucky enough to avoid detection this time, as voices started calling out to him as soon as his hand wrapped around the paper. He ignored the voices and quickly shut and locked the screen door; and then shut the front door and locked it against the intrusion as well.

Jim unrolled the paper and took a quick glance at it; seeing the picture of Johanna and Kate toward the bottom of the page. He didn't bother to read the article; there would be plenty of time for that later. For now, he had Johanna to see to and he headed for the stairs with the intent of checking on his wife in mind. She had woke him a little over an hour before; tearfully asking him to get her the prescription for her migraines that he had made her bring home from Wyoming. The fact that she had needed him to get up and get it for her, coupled with the fact that she was taking the medication voluntarily spoke volumes about the severity of the headache she was suffering from. He entered their bedroom quietly and made his way to her side of the bed; her heavy eyelids flicking open as he carefully sat down on the edge of the bed.

"Is the medicine kicking in yet, sweetheart?" he asked softly; his fingertips falling against her forehead and gently massaging the area.

"It's starting to," she whispered tiredly.

"Is there anything else I can do for you?"

Johanna gave him a small weak smile; he had given her her medicine, he had made the room as dark as possible; he had tucked the covers around her securely and comforted her the best he could. She was sure there wasn't anything left to do. "I think you covered everything, honey. Thank you."

He brushed a soft kiss against her cheek. "Don't fight the medicine; let it put you to sleep for awhile."

"Are there reporters outside?" she questioned as her eyelids drooped.

"No," he lied as he continued to massage her forehead.

"I thought I heard people."

"It was just the neighbors. They were trying to wrangle their kids into the car for school."

"Oh," she sighed; a hint of relief in her sleepy tone that told him that she bought his story.

He brushed another kiss against her cheek. "You rest now; everything's alright."

Just as Jim rose from his place beside her, Johanna's phone rang, causing her to flinch and inhale sharply. "I'll take care of it," he stated; grabbing her phone and hurrying out of the room with it.

Seeing Kate's name on the screen, he accepted the call. "Wait until I get downstairs, Katie," he stated; before pulling the bedroom door shut and moving down the hallway to the stairs.

"Where's Mom?" she asked once he came back on the line.

"Upstairs," he answered; but before he could explain why, Kate cut him off.

"So how long is she going to avoid me?"

"What are you talking about?" Jim asked.

"I called last night and you answered her phone because she was off having a moment; I call this morning and you answer her phone again; telling me to wait until you go downstairs and then you say that she's upstairs so clearly you were up there with her to begin with. I think it's pretty obvious that she's avoiding me; well I can't help what people are saying about the picture and if there's media outside the house, I can't help that either. I tried to make it better and I'm sorry that it apparently isn't going to work, but she doesn't need to play this stupid avoidance game with me because of it. If she's mad why doesn't she just get on the phone and say so, I can take it."

"Are you done?" her father asked as she took a breath.

"For the moment," Kate replied.

"If you would've let me finish, you wouldn't have had to go through that big spiel, Katie."

"What do you mean?"

"Your mother is upstairs in bed with a bad migraine; I grabbed her phone when it rang and left the room to come downstairs so I wouldn't keep her awake. She's not avoiding you."

Kate was silent for a moment; taking a deep breath that she then exhaled slowly. "I'm sorry; I'm a little on edge."

"I sensed that," Jim answered. "What's wrong, Katie? You didn't sound this tense last night."

"Is there media outside the house?"

"Yes; but I told your mother there wasn't so if you talk to her later; don't tell her otherwise. Were they waiting for you this morning too?"

"Yeah; they were outside the precinct when I got to work," she told him as she paced the break room.

"Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," she said; raking a hand through her hair as she paced a few steps in the break room. "I just…I guess I just thought I'd get up this morning and things would be okay; and I know that was stupid to think. It's not going to be that easy…but I just wanted some peace today, Dad."

There was a hint of anguish in her tone that tore at his heart and he wished he could fix this for her; chase away the people hounding her in the same way he used to chase monsters from her closet when she was little. He wished he could take her and Johanna away somewhere where he could protect them from the frenzy; but even if he could, he knew they'd never stand for it.

"It's not stupid, Katie. We all hoped for it; but listen, the picture is still news right now, it could still die down today and things will be calm tomorrow. It'll be okay."

"I hope so."

"Where's Rick?" Jim asked. "Isn't he taking care of you? Do I need to have a word with him?"

An amused breath crossed her lips, causing her to smile at her father's protective tone. "He's doing everything he can; I don't think you need to hunt him down. He'll be here in a little while."

"Didn't you leave together?"

"No," she said; her gaze darting around the room to make sure she was still alone as she dropped the tone of her voice. "We thought maybe it would be best if we left separately…we're trying to quell some of the speculation about us."

"That's not going to be easy to do in this situation."

"I know," she sighed. "But we have to try. He'll be here in a little while."

"Katie…" Jim began to say and then thought better of the statement that had formed on his tongue about the difficulties of keeping a relationship hidden in the midst of this media coverage.

"What?"

"Nothing," he replied. "Just try to relax and hopefully things will calm down tomorrow once the newness of this picture wears off."

"I have a feeling that isn't what you were going to say."

"You're right, it isn't, but what I was going to say doesn't matter."

Kate leaned back against the counter. "I get the feeling it involves my relationship."

"That's your mother's department to meddle in; I'm just here to kill him if he gets out of line…so you let me know if that needs done."

She laughed. "Thanks, I'll be sure to let you know…and I highly doubt that you're going to leave all the meddling to your wife."

"Well she does have to discuss it with someone."

She was quiet for a moment; feeling like a child for asking her next question again. "Are you sure she isn't mad at me?"

"I'm positive," Jim stated. "She volunteered to take her medicine for this one, Katie; that has to tell you how bad it is. As soon as she's up and feeling better, I'll tell her to call you."

"Alright; I better get to my desk. Call if you need me."

"I will. Be careful."

She promised that she would be and then ended the call and made the trek to her desk. Gates spotted her and headed in her direction; causing Kate to tense as she wondered if her captain was privy to new evidence regarding her and Castle or if it was something else entirely.

"Detective, I take it that circus outside is for you?" Gates questioned.

She nodded. "Yes, Sir; I'm sorry about…"

The Captain held up a hand to silence her. "Beckett, the next time you release something to the press, let me know in advance and then we can prepare for it and possibly keep them away from here."

She felt chastened although she was sure that Gates hadn't really meant the comment that way. She hadn't thought things through enough, which wasn't like her at all. Maybe some of Castle's leap before you look mentality was rubbing off on her…if it was, she better curb that. "I will next time," she answered. "I'm sorry."

The Captain nodded in response but eyed her astutely. "How are you doing with all of this?"

"I'm fine," Beckett stated.

Gates didn't look like she was completely convinced of that but she said nothing that indicated as such, much to Kate's relief. "How's your mother doing?"

"She's fine too."

"I saw her on TV the other night; she didn't look very fine."

Kate stammered for a moment. "She…she'd just prefer to hide in the house for the rest of her life right now, but I'm sure that will pass as soon as some of this dies down."

"Has she considered counseling?"

She bit back a laugh at the mere idea of it; although she had thought herself that her mother would probably benefit from therapy. "I don't see that happening; my mother isn't fond of going to doctors, no matter what kind they are. I think my father is going to have to function as her therapist for the time being."

Gates picked up on Kate's subtle shifting on her feet and decided it was time to end the conversation as it was clear that she wasn't comfortable discussing the issue with her. "Let me know if there's anything I can do for you, Detective."

"I will," she replied, forcing a small smile to her lips as she held the Captain's gaze but as soon as the woman turned and headed toward her office, Kate allowed the smile to fizzle and sank into her chair. She felt a headache of her own coming on.

* * *

Castle arrived at the precinct with coffee cups in hand nearly two hours later. "Where have you been?" Kate asked as he settled into his chair. "I thought you'd be here before now."

"I would've been but I kept being stopped as I ran a few errands," he answered.

She frowned. "They're after you too today?"

"Well I am the one who tweeted the picture."

"I'm sorry, Castle," she told him. It felt like she had been issuing apologies all morning.

"No need to be sorry. I can deal with the reporters, that's no problem, and don't worry, I didn't tell them anything."

"You had to have said something."

He smiled. "I did more book promoting."

"Castle, as amusing as your promoting is…I don't want people thinking that you're using my situation to boost book sales."

"I hadn't thought of that," he frowned. "That's going to cut down on my evasive tactics."

"Sorry."

"Kate; you're starting to say sorry so much that you're starting to sound like your mother."

She wrinkled her nose in distaste, her lips parting to utter another apology but she caught herself as his brow rose. "Almost did it again, didn't you?" he said lightly.

"Yes; and thank you, now I'll be self-conscious about it and have the thought in my mind that I'm turning into my mother…because I don't have nearly enough problems."

"Sorry," Castle said with a sheepish smile.

"It's alright," she sighed. "But still, telling me I'm turning into my mother is a low blow…even if I do love her."

"I didn't say you were turning into her; I said you were starting to sound like her."

"Same thing."

"It is not."

"It is but it's okay," Kate replied, "I guess it happens to everyone. After all, there are times when you remind me of Martha."

"What!" he exclaimed; drawing the stares of Ryan and Esposito, along with a few others.

"Sorry," Castle said as he looked around the room. "Nothing to see here; go back to your work."

Kate smirked at him. "You better watch, Castle; you're starting to say sorry so much that you're starting to sound like my mother."

"You're so cute when you're sarcastic."

An amused smile remained on her lips. "If you get to acting like your mother and mine, I may have to start rethinking things."

"First of all, I do not act like my mother," he stated.

"Oh you definitely have some Martha Rodgers tendencies," she replied.

"I'm sure you're mistaken; and secondly; I couldn't act like Johanna Beckett if I wanted to. Her narrowed eye death glare seems impossible to replicate…except for you; you do it very well and without even trying, and I'm certain I couldn't perfect that walk of hers either."

Kate glanced away from her papers to look at him oddly. "Her walk?"

"Yes; I've noticed that when she's in her element, the way she walks showcases it. It's confident…it's sassy."

"Okay, I can see that; but why are you observing my mother that closely to pick up on that?"

His brows rose in horror. "Don't make it sound like that!" he exclaimed in a hushed voice. "That is so wrong. How can you ever imply something like that? What is wrong with you today?"

Her slender frame shook with laughter that she tried to keep as quiet as possible. "I can imply it for the sole reason of wanting to see your eyes bulge out of their sockets like that."

"I see you're being evil today," Castle remarked. "If I wanted this kind of abuse, I could've spent the day with my mother."

Kate took a sip of her coffee but her eyes still gleamed with mischief. "How could I not ask about this observation of my mother?"

"I'm a writer; I notice things. I can't help it," he said in self defense. "Besides, how can I accurately write Erica if I don't subtly observe Johanna on occasion?"

"So there is going to be an Erica?"

"Yes, but don't tell you mother; I want it to be a surprise."

"I'll keep your secret for a price," Kate told him.

"A price? What's your price, Detective?" he asked; and then leaning closer, he added in a whisper; "Does it involve nudity?"

"No," she replied with a smirk.

"It's just not my day," he responded. "So tell me what your price is since it's obviously nothing fun."

"My price is details. What can you tell me about Erica?"

"She's Nikki's aunt; Nikki distanced herself from her after her mother's death."

"Why?"

Castle smiled. "You'll have to read it to find out."

"Now who's being evil?" Kate stated. "Can't you give me any more than that?"

"Erica's a former attorney who had a close call with a case and her family persuaded her to get out of the business."

"How close of a call?"

"You'll have to read it to find out."

"Castle!"

"What?" he laughed. "Can't handle it now that I have the upper hand?"

She shot him a sidelong glance. "Oh I don't know, I think I've handled it pretty well when you've had the upper hand," she said in a suggestive whisper.

"There you go with your evilness again; making me think things I shouldn't think about here."

"Poor you," she teased.

"You know, if we had done what I wanted to do last night, you might not have woke up cranky," he said quietly.

"I'm not cranky!" she exclaimed. "I'm just…aggravated."

"I know," he assured, his tone dropping and softening. "Have you talked to your mother this morning? How is she doing with this?"

"I don't know, I haven't talked to her. I called and Dad answered again. He claims she's in bed with a headache."

"You don't believe him?"

She shrugged. "I don't know…she's kind of coincidental that he's answered her phone the last two times I've called. She was clearly unhappy last night, since he said she was downstairs having a moment…and now this 'headache'. I don't really want to think that they'd lie about it; he did throw in that she took that prescription for her migraines…but still, I can't help feeling like she's avoiding me."

Castle chose his words carefully. "I don't think your father would lie to you. She's probably not feeling well because of the stress. You'll hear from her when she's feeling better."

Kate ran a hand through her hair in agitation. "I'm not used to her having so many finicky moods…I don't know if I just don't remember or if she just hid it better when I was a kid."

"You probably just didn't notice…and I'm sure the situation probably magnifies it as it does yours. Try and relax" he told her. "Well get through this day and then go home and try to forget it for awhile."

She blew out a breath and nodded. She wished she could forget, even for just a little while.

* * *

By the end of the day, Kate had closed her case successfully and was in the process of shutting down her computer and stacking her files when her phone rang. She grabbed it from the corner of the desk and glanced at the screen. Seeing that it read 'Mom', she accepted the call. "Hello."

"Are you busy?" Johanna asked.

"No, I'm just packing up for the night. Is everything alright?"

"Yes, everything's fine. I'm sorry I missed you this morning, Katie."

"That's okay; I was just calling to check in. How are you feeling?"

"Better than I did this morning," she answered; but her daughter could hear the undercurrent of tiredness and the feeling of being unwell in the flatness of her tone, but she couldn't help but wonder if there was some other feeling mixed in there as well.

"Has anyone been around?" Kate asked.

"Not that I know of. No one was out front when I looked out a little while ago."

"That's good."

Something wasn't quite right here, Johanna thought to herself as she sighed. "Katie, what's wrong?"

"Nothing, why?"

"Because something feels wrong. Were they still after you today?"

"Of course they were," she replied a bit tartly; "Right outside the precinct when I got here this morning."

"I'm Sor..."

"Don't," Kate said firmly as she cut her off mid word. "You overuse that I'm sorry phrase and apparently it's rubbing off on me so just don't, okay?"

Her mother was quiet for a moment, trying to force herself to recall what she might've done to earn her daughter's apparent ire. She couldn't think of anything; besides that large black mark that she would always carry against her but that didn't mean she hadn't committed a new offense.

"Are you okay?" she asked her daughter; hoping that she might open up to her about whatever the issue was.

"I'm fine."

So much for that tactic, Johanna thought. "Do you want to come over for dinner?"

"No."

"How about tomorrow or Sunday?"

"I don't really think so."

"What about next weekend? I'll make whatever you want…you can bring Rick if you want," she offered; although she'd like to just have a family meal with her daughter for an hour. It wasn't anything against Rick; she planned to invite him too at times but she had a feeling the only way she could get her daughter to appear would be if she invited both.

"Rick has to go to L.A. next weekend for a book signing."

"Well then you can come."

"No, I can't; I'm staying with Martha while he's away and we talked about it this morning and made a few plans."

"I see," Johanna remarked; something she couldn't name stirring in her veins and making her voice the question that came to mind aloud. "Katie, are you ever going to come over for dinner when I ask you?"

"I don't know, maybe one day," she said with a sigh of impatience. "What's the big deal anyway?"

"I believe you're the one making a big deal out of it," her mother replied. "I didn't realize it was so terrible for your parents to want to share a meal with you. We'll let you leave when it's over; we're not going to try to keep you or anything."

"We just shared plenty of meals together over the last few months," her daughter stated.

"So I'm at my quota for the rest of my life and I'm not entitled to anymore?"

"What, like I owe you my presence once a week?" Kate asked sharply. "Just because you're my mother doesn't mean I have to be at your beck and call all the time."

"No; you don't owe me a damn thing, Katherine," Johanna remarked; "And I don't expect you to be at my beck and call. If I made it seem that way, I apologize and don't worry, I won't extend any more invitations until Thanksgiving. I just like to see you once in awhile."

"Well then drag yourself out of the house and come see me once in awhile. I shouldn't always have to come to you."

"You're never home or I would!" Johanna exclaimed.

"Right," she scoffed; "You know where I am, you could visit me at Castle's."

"I can't do that."

"Why the hell not?"

"Because as far as I know; that's not your permanent address and therefore it isn't your home and it isn't your invitation to extend."

"I just love when you pull your lawyer voice when you're trying to act superior."

"I am not acting superior; I'm stating a fact."

"A fact that only exists in your mind," Kate retorted. "I'm there all the time; Castle wouldn't mind that I invited someone over."

"If you lived there full time it would be different," Johanna insisted. "But you're not, and having a toothbrush and a drawer full of underwear there doesn't give you the right to extend invitations without talking it over with Rick; it's his home and you know better."

"Are you being a prude now?" Kate asked; "And by the way, I have more stuff there than what you seem to imply."

"No I'm not being a prude," Johanna replied; "And I don't want to do this with you, Katie; so why don't you tell me what we're really arguing about here so we can talk about it and work it out."

"I'm not the one who's mad," her daughter retorted.

"You're not?"

"No; you're the one avoiding phone calls."

"Katie, I wasn't avoiding you and I'm not mad about anything."

"I called last night."

"Yes, I know; your father just told me an hour ago. He was asleep by the time I went back to bed."

"Yeah, I know; you were downstairs having your moment last night because you were mad. I know you think I pushed you into releasing the picture and then you had to hear the comments and they probably hurt you and now you're mad at me for putting you in that position again."

"That couldn't be further from the truth," Johanna replied; trying to keep her tone patient. "I was upset last night but not at you; none of this is your fault and there's no reason for me to be angry at you. Now if you want to come over so we can talk about this in person, so you can look me in the face and know I'm not lying to you, then please get over here so we can settle this. I promise I won't offer to feed you."

"You're not funny," Kate responded.

"Katie," she said with a weighted breath; "I'm not going to do this. If we're going to fight, I'd rather do it on a day when I'm operating with un-medicated brain cells and can be a worthy opponent for you. I'd also like there to be a viable reason for the fight because I really don't think this is about two missed phone calls which I'm clearly returning."

Kate smirked. "Thank you for your closing argument, Mrs. Beckett; I'll now excuse the jury so they may begin their deliberations."

Johanna gave a short, soft laugh. "Well, I know my humor was just called into question but at least I can rest easy knowing that your sarcasm is intact and doing well...and apparently was inherited from your mother."

"You're the second person today to accuse me of being like you."

"Don't you just hate days like that?" Johanna asked.

"Probably about as much as you do...Naomi."

"Touché," her mother remarked; taking the jab in stride. "I'm hanging up now because I'm serious about not fighting with you tonight. I love you, be careful getting to wherever you're going. Give me a call when you feel more like talking."

"Bye," Kate said; and to her surprise as she waited for a return of that statement; her mother simply disconnected the call without another word.

A feeling of remorse filled her as she stared down at her phone. Why had she done that? Why had she instigated an unnecessary argument? Kate didn't have an answer to that and it only made her feel worse as she slipped into her jacket and picked up her purse. What was wrong with her today? She had shouldered more pressure than this before and had handled it without much fuss...and yet this situation felt so unlike anything she had dealt with before. Suddenly she wished she hadn't sent Castle on home ahead of her. She had thought it best in case the press was still lurking but now she regretted the decision, just as she regretted the phone call she had just engaged in. Kate paused in front of the elevator and pulled her phone from her pocket.

She was beginning to hate the words that she found herself typing but they were the only ones that fit the bill of what she needed to say. "I'm sorry," she wrote and then sent it to her mother before pushing the button for the elevator.

Her phone was unnervingly silent as she rode the elevator downstairs; but as she stepped outside the precinct and the crisp evening air of early October gently smacked her in the face, her phone buzzed. She hurriedly opened the message; that feeling of needing her mother's forgiveness as overwhelming at 32 as it had been at 16.

"I know, it's okay. Me too."

Her smile wobbled; unexpected emotion striking her as she read the words. She was forgiven and her mother had refrained from using that hated phrase. Kate shoved her phone back into her pocket and blinked rapidly as she breathed deeply. She hated to feel weepy; would hate it even more if it was to be caught on camera but as her eyes quickly scanned her surroundings, she took note of the fact that there didn't seem to be any media presence around. She breathed deeply again; missing Castle's presence at her side once more as loneliness set in. It was time to go home; a long night with Castle would surely cure whatever was ailing her.

* * *

Johanna sighed as she laid her phone down on the coffee table and then shifted so that she could lay down on the sofa. She felt Jim's gaze upon her from the recliner as she pulled the throw over herself and settled in.

"Are you feeling okay?" her husband asked.

"Yeah; it's a duller ache now; but you know how it lingers and makes me feel like crap for the rest of the day."

"I know, sweetheart. I wish there was something more I could do for you."

She offered him a soft smile, knowing that her occasional migraines had troubled him for as long as they had known each other. "You do everything that can be done, honey; and I appreciate it. You know that the doctors have said they're harmless, there's nothing wrong and nothing that can be done but to let it run its course and take pain relievers."

"It's my job to take care of you," he replied lovingly. "I know what the doctors have said but still, if I knew of some way to keep you from getting migraines I'd take care of it in a heartbeat. I hate to see you in pain."

"I know…I hate when you're sick or in pain too."

"I always thought that maybe as you got older they wouldn't bother you as much," Jim admitted. "You know, like how sometimes you'll have something as a kid but then you outgrow it as you get older."

"I know what you mean," Johanna replied. "I thought maybe they'd go away when I got older too but I guess I'm stuck with them. It's just stress…that seems to be the main trigger for me."

"I know," Jim said quietly. "Stress has always been good at making you sick."

She smiled wryly. "At least you know some things never change…that I'm still me…even if it doesn't always seem like it."

Jim rose from his chair and moved to the sofa, perching on the edge at her side. "You're always you, Jo," he remarked gently but firmly as his fingertips caressed the line of her jaw. "Sometimes you have an off day, so do I, but we're still us. I don't want you to still be worrying that I somehow see you differently because I don't. You're still the woman I fell in love with, nothing's changed. You might think it has but it hasn't."

Johanna took his hand, her fingers gently squeezing his as they wrapped around them. "Sometimes I wish we could get in a time machine and go back to simpler times when we didn't have to worry about such things."

He smiled. "Which time would you pick?"

"It's hard to choose; we've had so many good ones. August of 75 is a favorite of mine though."

"Our road trip," he remarked. "It's a favorite of mine too."

A smile touched her lips. "It's the main reason I wanted to get married in August. I felt like it was a special month for us…that the August of our road trip kind of cemented things between us even though we didn't start dating until the following May…but still, I felt like that trip was when things made a subtle turn, you know? Like I knew where I belonged and it was with you. After that trip, whenever I'd think about August, I'd think of us and how perfect it was…that's why I picked August when you asked me about a date for our wedding."

Jim brushed a soft kiss against her lips. "Why didn't you ever tell me that before?"

She shrugged a shoulder. "I don't know, I guess I thought you might think I was silly."

He shook his head. "No; I would've agreed."

She squeezed his hand. "I guess in answer to your question though, I'd pick August 75 or the summer of 76; both were good for us."

"I could take you away again, like I did in 75," Jim told her. "We could go off somewhere where no one knows us and lay low for awhile…come back when things have died down."

Her body tensed slightly, a tremor of anxiety making itself felt. "We can't."

"Why not?"

"Because we can't…it would make us look guilty."

"We're not guilty of anything, Jo. We'd just be getting away from it."

She shook her aching head. "No. I'm not leaving this house."

Understanding dawned on him. "We'd be back, Jo; nothing would keep us from coming back."

Her throat tightened, her grip tightening on his hand as well. "I can't…not right now…I just can't."

Jim nodded. "Okay; we won't go anywhere right now…we'll wait until the summer for our vacation. We'll go wherever you want."

"North Carolina," she said without hesitation. "But will we have time for two summer trips?"

"Two?"

"We said we'd go away for your birthday…we picked Tennessee."

Jim nodded. "That's our July trip. North Carolina will be our August trip for our anniversary."

"Sounds perfect…maybe we can relive a few memories," Johanna said warmly.

He dipped his head and caught her lips in a kiss. "There's one I'd like to improve upon," he told her with a grin.

"I'm sure I can guess which one it is," she quipped as her phone buzzed on the coffee table.

Jim grabbed the phone and handed it to her, not bothering to move from his spot as she opened the new text message and read the one line that was there. When she finished, she handed the phone back to him to put it back on the coffee table.

"What was it?" he asked.

"Just Katie saying that she got home safely."

Jim met her gaze. "I couldn't help overhearing your side of the phone call with her…I take it wasn't all that pleasant."

"She wanted to fight but I didn't feel up to it."

"That's probably for the best," he replied, giving her hand a squeeze.

Johanna was quirt for a moment, her gaze shifting to the television but Jim knew that the program didn't have her attention; she was still lost in her thoughts. "What are you thinking about?" he asked.

"Do you think Katie's been pulling away from me? Truthfully…don't tell me what you think I want to hear."

There was a slight bob of his head. "Yeah, sometimes I do think she's pulling back a little…but she's done it to me before too. She'll come around a good bit and then I'll blink and won't hear from her much for a little while. Work is usually the excuse."

"I don't think work is her excuse with me," Johanna murmured. "Sometimes I feel like she's trying to push me away and put that wall back between us…like now that I'm not invading her apartment she wants to keep me at arms length."

'I'm sure it's just temporary," he soothed.

She wasn't so sure about that but she moved on, feeling like unburdening herself a little. "She acts like a dinner invitation is a life sentence."

"Maybe once the news over the picture dies down she'll come over. I heard you ask about next weekend…I take it she said no to that too."

Johanna nodded. "Rick will be out of town for a book signing next weekend and she's staying with Martha."

Jim gave her a puzzled look. "Why would she stay with Martha? Why not just go home to her own place? And even if she does stay with her, why can't she stop by for dinner anyway?"

"I don't why she's staying with her; it puzzled me too but I didn't want to ask. She's not stopping by anyway because she's sure Martha will probably want to do something…I guess they're bonding."

He heard the undercurrent of feelings in the comment but he wasn't sure how to respond. It had to sting her knowing that Kate was all for plans with someone else's mother but wouldn't come and have a meal with her. She was vulnerable, she was ill at ease with the commotion going on around them and she needed some quiet assurance that their daughter still loved her and wanted her around. "Don't worry, Jo; she'll come back. She's distant sometimes and I know it hurts you but she'll come back around."

"I hope so."

He gave her a smile, hoping to comfort her. "Are you ready for me to order us something for dinner?"

"I can cook."

"No; you're not feeling good; we'll order something. Maybe you'll feel better if you get something other than a handful of crackers in you."

"Alright," she told him; knowing that he not only wanted to feed her but also wanted to take her mind off of Katie. "Go ahead and order us something; I don't really feel like cooking."

"That's my girl," Jim said, giving her leg a pat. "And listen, instead of worrying so much, you just think about the summer and those trips we'll be taking. You may as well think of somewhere for June too since we have July and August covered."

Johanna smiled, allowing her fingertips to caress the line of his jaw for a moment before he rose to make his phone call. Summer was a more pleasing thought…she just wished they could fast forward to it and be past all of the current misery.

* * *

Saturday evening found Kate alone in her own apartment; the need for space and time for herself driving her to stay out of Castle's loft once their lunch date had concluded earlier that day. She knew he hadn't been happy with her decision to retreat back to her place but she needed some room to breathe and seeing that her name hadn't been in newspaper or on the TV for the past day or two, she felt like the time was right to head home for a break.

Her break, however, gave her plenty of time to think, which she hated to do when it came to things she didn't want to think too much about. One of those things was her mother…who she'd only spoke to in brief text messages since their disaster of a phone call the day after the picture had been released. She sighed as she watched an episode of Temptation Lane that had been saved on her DVR. She hadn't heard from her mother all day…which felt a bit odd since it seemed like Johanna was the one taking the initiative each day to send a text to check in once a day. The comments were brief, things feeling strained even in message form. Her gaze fell to her phone which was resting on the cushion beside her and she picked it up, toying with the idea of being the one to check in this time. Watching Temptation Lane always gave her the urge to reach out and connect with her and she didn't know if it was because of childhood memories or if it was because it was the just about the only thing thy could have an amicable conversation about when Johanna first moved in with her over the summer.

She hated to admit it, but there was a part of her that missed her mother's presence in her apartment. It seemed almost laughable that she would; after all, she couldn't wait to get her mother resettled in her own home…and now that she'd been back home for a month, she couldn't quite get used to her apartment being void of her presence when she was there. That was partly her own fault though; she'd been spending so much time at Castle's that she wasn't used to being alone anymore. The thought gave her pause and she wondered if maybe she shouldn't have been so hasty in agreeing to stay with Martha the following weekend. There was really no reason for her to…but it had already been discussed and Martha had been so pleased and making plans for dinners and shows that she couldn't disappoint her…and besides, she enjoyed spending time with Martha. The actress was the polar opposite of her mother…and she was ashamed to admit that it was refreshing. Maybe she was being too hard on her mother, maybe she wasn't giving her enough time to work out her issues…but she just wanted her to be normal again. She thought she had her at that point while she was living with her and now that she was back in her own house, it seemed like something had gone wrong within her. Kate sighed; she didn't know how to fix her…and it was frustrating as hell.

Her fingers moved toward her phone despite the frustration and she found herself tapping out a message for her mother. _"Everything okay?"_

The response came quickly, making Kate wonder if perhaps her mother hadn't been composing her own check in message at the same moment. _"I'm fine; how are you?"_

Kate's brow furrowed; that seemed a bit formal. _"I did send that message to the right number, right?"_

" _It depends; did you want me or someone else?"_

" _My mother."_

" _It's me,"_ Johanna answered. _"What's with the confusion? Why didn't you just check the name and number?"_

" _You just seemed kind of formal; I wanted to be sure."_

" _I didn't mean it that way; I was just asking how you were."_

" _I'm fine."_

" _Good; I'm glad."_

Kate debated letting the conversation end there but then decided to forge ahead. _"What are you doing?"_

" _Annoying your father by rooting for the other team in this game he's watching. What are you doing?"_

" _I'm watching yesterday's episode of Temptation Lane. Why are you rooting against his team?"_

" _Because its fun and it's what he gets for annoying me while I was trying to watch my show. Pay attention to the end of the episode; there's a twist coming up."_

" _I'll do that."_

" _Let me know what you think of it,"_ Johanna replied. _"If you want to that is."_

She frowned; apparently the brief text conversations they had been having had left the impression that she didn't want much conversation…and while it was true that sometimes she didn't want to talk, it wasn't true at the moment. _"I'll let you know what I thought of it,"_ she wrote back. _"Call if you need me."_

" _I will…and you know, you can call if you need me."_

" _I know,"_ Kate replied before laying her phone back down on the sofa. They probably needed to have a serious talk one day but she didn't feel like that day was anytime soon. They both had enough problems…and she didn't feel like wading into those murky waters. Her mind was still full; frustrations still simmering beneath the surface. Maybe she should've called instead of texting. Maybe she should've stayed with Castle after all…and maybe, just maybe, she just needed to open a bottle of wine, grab a book from the shelf and sink into a nice hot bubble bath; that was sure to relax her and maybe even ease the worries from her mind for awhile.

* * *

When no further comment came from her daughter, Johanna laid aside her phone and focused her gaze back on the television although her thoughts continued to wander. She had been about to text Kate when she had gotten her message. She had tried to refrain all day; knowing that she probably annoyed her daughter with her need to know that she was fine and all was well…but it wasn't easy. She had this unshakable need to be assured that her daughter was safe; that no harm was coming to her. She just worried so much about her, not only because of her job but because of the media too…and she had to admit, that she was still worried about Bracken trying to enact some revenge against them with Kate being the target. She couldn't be able to bear it if something happened to Kate or Jim and the mere thought of it was enough to make her feel like a lead ball had just sunk to the bottom of her stomach.

Johanna breathed deeply and shook off the thought. They were all fine…they were going to stay fine. She just had to keep thinking that; and it would be easier to keep thinking it if their names stayed out of the news as it had been the last day or so. Being off the radar eased a little of the stress on her shoulders but she knew it wouldn't last for long. The media would be back eventually; there was no escaping it no matter how hard they tried. She could deal with that though…what she couldn't deal with was the thought of Kate pulling away and putting that wall back up. She had worked so hard to scale the barrier once and she wasn't sure she had the strength to do it again. She'd try her damndest if it came down to it, but she had serious worries about her ability to succeed a second time.

She was trying to give her space; trying not to step on her toes, trying not to need her too much. She had a feeling she was failing at all the above but she kept trying and she'd keep on trying. She couldn't lose her again; they'd come too far for it to crash and burn now…but what if Kate didn't give her a choice?

Johanna got to her feet and headed for the kitchen, intent on finding something to do to occupy her mind. Jim had told her to cut back on baking but she needed to bake…and she was going to do it whether he liked it or not…although she was sure he'd like it if she went with cherry pie. A small smile touched her lips, her worries momentarily forgotten as she thought about the pie to be made. Baking was her outlet and she wouldn't let him take it from her no matter how many baked goods they had.

* * *

Sunday morning once again found Kate off the radar in the news spectrum; a thought that made her feel more comfortable in her skin as she donned her running shoes and hit the pavement for a run. The coolness of the air and the quiet lazy feeling of morning, combined with the sound of her shoes smacking against the concrete as she increased her pace at regular increments, went far towards clearing her head of some of the more irrational thoughts she had been harboring. Other thoughts weren't so easily rid of. She worried about this added pressure and how it would ultimately affect her relationship with Castle. She worried about her relationship with her mother and how ripping the scabs off her heart allowed her to feel those raw edges of feelings that were still wounded in some ways. She could of course discuss that with her, but she wouldn't. It would only cause more trouble and more hurt and it wasn't worth it. She'd stick with the routine text messages and call in a day or two, and their last conversation would get swept under the rug in the interest of keeping the peace between them.

She probably shouldn't be so willingly to walk down that road of sweeping things under rugs…but if it made life easier in the meantime, than so be it; they could sort it out later when everything else was settled. Kate pushed herself harder; increasing her speed once again as she sorted through worries about the press and work and the always looming specter of Bracken and his cronies. She made herself think it all out logically and did her best to convince herself that there was no way in hell Bracken would get out of this and that she'd be able to handle any new threats that could be posed towards them. She believed that, or at least the logical side of her brain did. The other side would continue to worry until the trial was over and the man was sentenced.

When she finally dropped into a walk, she felt like she had her thoughts properly sorted for the most part and that they had been shoved into their appropriate boxes in her mind. Now if she could just keep them in those boxes, she'd be fine, she thought to herself as she turned and began to jog back to her apartment.

As she approached the front of her building, she spotted Castle stepping up onto the sidewalk and called out to him. The writer smiled as he spotted her, his eyes twinkling with mischief as he eyed her. "Look it's Flo Jo," he quipped.

Kate smirked at him as she closed the distance between them. "Did you come over here to call me names?"

"No; if that had been my goal I would've come better prepared."

"Is that right?"

He nodded. "Of course; the Flo Jo comment is the best I came up with on the spur of the moment; and I'm sure you expect far better of me, considering my usual genius."

Kate shook her head; a teasing smile touching her lips. "No; that was pretty much on par with what I expect of you."

His jaw dropped in mock surprise; a hand falling against his heart. "I'm hurt."

She laughed as he followed her into the building. "There you go acting like your mother again," she teased.

"You really are being evil this week," he stated; feigning distress as they got on the elevator. "You mock my humor, accuse me of acting like my mother and implied that I've been checking yours out…which is still so very wrong, Beckett."

"I told you I only did that to watch your eyes bug out," she laughed. "But you don't have to get insulting about it; my mother is a beautiful woman, I'm sure there are men who still want to check her out."

"Yes, she is beautiful and I don't doubt that at all…but she's your mother!"

"Calm down," she giggled. "I'm through teasing you with that."

"Yes well, I think you may have to pay for that one and the only suitable punishment I can come up with is to call your mother and report this behavior of yours."

"You don't want to do that."

"Oh I think I might."

"What are you doing here this morning, Castle?" she asked as they exited the elevator and made their way to her door.

"I thought maybe I'd treat you to breakfast."

"Sounds great," she smiled. "Just let me take a quick shower and change."

"Take your time…that'll give me plenty of time to place that phone call."

Kate moved towards him; slipping her arms around him. "There are better things we could do than call people on the phone."

His brow rose. "Oh? Dare I hope?"

"You can dare," she replied; pressing a kiss to his lips. "Right after you buy me breakfast."

Castle frowned. "See; that's more evidence of your evilness."

"I'll make it up to you," she told him; stealing another kiss and then walking away to get her shower.

"I'm going to hold you to that," he called after her.

"I always keep my word," she remarked before disappearing from view.

* * *

How was your evening?" Castle asked as they sat across from each other at the restaurant where they were having breakfast.

"Quiet," Kate answered. "I did boring things like laundry and watched TV."

"Does that mean you're feeling better or you're still feeling the same?"

She exhaled a somewhat weighted breath. "I think I'm feeling a lot better."

"Good; I'm glad. Maybe you just needed some alone time."

"Maybe," she replied. "But I did miss you."

"I missed you too…I've gotten used to going home with you."

"I know…me too."

"But if it was what you needed, then the time apart was a worthy cause," Castle remarked; hoping he hadn't made her feel badly about needing space. "Is there anything you need to talk about?"

Kate shifted in her seat and pushed her eggs around the plate. "I think my problem the last few days has been that I feel like the scabs are getting ripped off wounds that are still healing."

He nodded. "You alluded to that the other day."

"Yeah, I know; but I don't think I had really thought about how much I was feeling that. I guess I had gotten to a point where things were healing and it felt like everything was going to be okay…and then everything erupted again once the media found out all the details and those scabs started to get pulled at and ripped off. It's difficult to feel that way again."

"That's understandable," he told her; "but maybe it's more than just feeling that way again. Maybe you still have feelings that haven't been fully dealt with."

"That thought occurred to me too…but I hate the idea of going there."

"Why?"

"Because it's just going to be more hurt…and maybe I'm not ready for that."

"But if you let it fester, it might only get worse," Castle stated.

"I know…but I'm not ready."

He had a feeling he knew what these feelings were that she still needed to work on and yet he felt it necessary to ask just to be clear. "Are any of those feelings about us? Because if there's something troubling you about us, we can discuss it and take it care of it right now, or later at your apartment."

Kate shook her head. "No; it isn't about us, Castle…although I do worry that you might get tired of having to hide what we are."

He laid his hand over hers and squeezed it. "Don't," he replied. "It's how things have to be right now and I understand that and support it. You have enough to deal with. I'm going to do whatever I can to make this as easy as I can for you. I know that we're not hiding out of shame or anything like that. We're just protecting our privacy."

"But still…"

"Kate; it's fine. I'm fine. Anything else about us that you're worried about?"

"No," she said with a small smile. "That'll cover it for today."

"Do you want to talk about any of those other issues?"

"No…I'd just rather enjoy our day," she replied.

Castle smiled. "I'm in agreement with that; but if…"

"I know," she interrupted. "If I change my mind, you're here and willing to discuss it."

"Don't forget that."

"I won't," Kate promised; but she didn't know when she'd be ready to dig deeper…and when the moment came, it might be entirely possible that the person she had to do that with wasn't him, but with the woman who had brought her into the world.

* * *

Sunday evening, Jim sat at the kitchen table with a few papers he was supposed to be reading over for a job he was going to be working on later in the week. Instead he found himself somewhat distracted by his wife as she moved around the kitchen, finishing the clean up from dinner with one hand, her phone pressed to her ear with the other. He smiled as he listened to her chatter. Shortly after they had finished their meal, a text message containing a picture of Frankie and Valerie's granddaughter appeared on her phone with the message "Hi, Aunt Jo!"

She usually left it up to Frankie or Valerie to call her; fearful of overstepping whatever boundaries there may be; but one look at that smiling blue eyed, blonde haired baby girl and she had hit Valerie's number without any hesitation. That had been a half hour ago, he noted, and she was still chatting away happily, sounding more relaxed and more like herself than she usually did with these calls. Jim figured that Johanna's sister-in-law had known that a cute baby was just the thing to draw her out; even better if that cute baby was her great niece. He had no doubt that she'd love to get her hands on Ally; his wife never had met a baby that she didn't want to cuddle and fuss over. Hopefully she'd get that chance soon; just as he was hoping that she'd soon get the chance to see her brother and sister-in-law. She was going to wait for them to make that move, he knew that and didn't blame her for it, but he knew how badly she wanted.

For now though, she appeared content and for that Jim was grateful as he watched her pick up the coffee pot and carry it to the table; refilling his cup as she went on with her conversation and then returning to the counter where she carefully cut a slice of the cherry pie she had been slapping his hands away from all day. He had a feeling she had decided to make a cherry pie because she knew that it was his favorite and therefore he wouldn't make any remarks about her baking after he had already told her to cut back.

She carried the small plate to the table and set it and the fork down in the space near him that was unoccupied by his papers; a smile on her lips and a teasing sparkle in her eyes as she reached out and lovingly caressed his face as he reached for the plate. He captured her dainty wrist; pressing a tender kiss to the palm of her hand. She pressed a quick, soft kiss against his temple and gave him a wink as she walked off; taking her phone into the other room, obviously knowing that she was distracting him.

He better enjoy her affection tonight, Jim thought to himself as he ate his pie. They had been media free all weekend and if that trend held for the next day…well, he had plans in mind. Plans he was sure she wasn't going to be too keen on; which meant there was the very real possibility that she wouldn't be feeling too friendly toward him come the following night. He sighed; it wasn't a pleasant thought, but it had to be done. It was for her own good.


	4. Chapter 4

_Authors Note: First off; Kate and Castle are not in this chapter but they will be back. Secondly, as always, thanks for your reviews._

Chapter 4- Push

" _You push me when all I wanna do is cry; you push me when it's hard for me to try, you push me, only you and no one else" – Madonna_

The next morning, without media presence outside their home and no mention of their names in the news; Jim crept stealthily into their bedroom, an agenda in mind as he approached the bed. He smiled as he studied his wife; she looked comfy and cozy and clearly had every intention of sleeping in. He was sorry to disabuse her of that notion...but not sorry enough to dissuade him from his plan. He carefully perched on the edge of the bed and brushed her hair back from her face.

"Jo," Jim said quietly; his knuckles brushing her cheek gently. She didn't stir or give any indication that she was aware of his presence. "Johanna," he said again; a little louder this time as he gave her shoulder a shake. She shrugged as if she was merely brushing off whatever had dared to disturb her rest and continued to sleep. Her husband smirked at her. She never had been a morning person; and he figured she wasn't going to be pleased with being dragged from the warmth of their bed; especially now that autumn had set in. His wife was a woman who needed constant warmth when summer waned; and that thought had him pulling the covers from her body. That would wake her up, he thought with a smile. She'd be cold within seconds; all he had to do was wait.

Sure enough, within minutes Johanna rolled towards his side of the bed; her hand searching for him. Jim slipped his hand beneath the hem of her pajama top and allowed it to move over her skin in a soft caress. "Not now, Jim," she mumbled sleepily. "Maybe later."

He chuckled quietly. "That wasn't what I was going for."

"I know; you were aiming for now but I'm sleepy...and cold...come back to bed," she said as she captured his hand and tugged at it.

"I can't."

"Why not?"

"Because you need to get up."

"Why?" she asked as she finally cracked an eye open.

"Because I made breakfast for you," Jim told her.

The statement had her opening both eyes; her brow arching as she regarded him. "You made me breakfast?"

"Yeah," he smiled.

She thought about it for a moment; her mind working through a list of dates. "It's not a birthday, anniversary or holiday."

"So?"

"So what did you do?" his wife asked.

"Do?"

"Yeah; what did you do that I'm going to find out about and not like?"

"Nothing," he replied.

She continued to eye him with suspicion. "What's in the news that you want to distract me from?"

"Absolutely nothing; your name wasn't mentioned even once, neither was mine or Katie's."

"Is this part of some ploy for morning sex?"

Jim laughed. "No; but if you want a ploy for sex I can think of one for later."

"We'll see how the morning goes first," she quipped.

"You're so suspicious, sweetheart."

"Probably with good reason. Let's see, it's not a special occasion, you haven't done anything, it's not about sex and you're not trying to shield me from the news...that only leaves one thing."

"What's that?" he asked.

"What are you going to do that you know I'm not going to like and therefore are sucking up for in advance?"

She was good, he thought as he graciously pulled the covers back up over her legs, before slipping his hand back under her shirt; his fingertips moving softly against the flat expanse of her stomach. "It's nothing bad," he promised.

"Uh huh; what is it?"

"You need to get up."

"Why?"

"So we can eat breakfast...and get ready to go out for awhile."

"Go out?" she repeated; frowning in response. "I don't want to go out, Jim."

"I know but we're going to go anyway."

"We just finally got some peace from the media and you want to drag me out in public and get it started all over again?"

"No; I'm dragging you out in public because we have the peace to go right now and we need to take the opportunity that we have. Now come on, let's get moving."

"Jim," she breathed.

"It'll be alright," he told her.

"I don't think I want to do this today."

"Sure you do," he stated. "I'm going to take you to Macy's. I have a nice shiny credit card that's hardly been used that's just waiting for you to have some fun with it."

"You're going to take me shopping?" Johanna asked incredulously.

"Yes I am."

"You hate shopping."

"I don't mind it so much with you."

She studied him intently. "Are you sure you didn't do something that I'm going to be mad about?"

"You mean besides dragging you out of bed and forcing you out in public?"

"Yeah."

"Not that I know of," he remarked. "But you're not getting out of this, Jo; so you may as well get up. I'm keeping breakfast warm but it's not going to keep forever."

"Can't we come to some type of deal about this?"

"No deals," Jim stated.

Her eyes narrowed as she sat up. "Fine; then I won't be accepting any ploys for sex later."

Her husband nodded. "You win some, you lose some."

"And some people seem to lose all the time," Johanna muttered as she got out of bed.

"You're not losing; you're getting my credit card. I figured that was decent compensation for springing this on you."

"I hope it has a high limit," she replied; tossing him a sassy smirk over her shoulder as she headed for the bedroom door.

Jim laughed at her retreating back. "I think the credit limit will be suitable for your form of revenge."

"I guess we'll see about that," she called out from the hallway.

* * *

As they wandered through their second department store of their outing, Jim felt like Johanna was beginning to relax a little. The trip to Macy's had gone well, they hadn't run into anyone they knew and they hadn't been followed. She had left her favorite store with several shopping bags stuffed with sweaters and leggings; a new winter coat and a pair of boots she just couldn't live without. He was happy to indulge her shoe fetish, but she had coerced him into a new winter coat for himself as well. He didn't really feel like he needed one; the one he'd been wearing for the last fifteen years suited him just fine; but then she had given him that raised brow don't argue with me look as she insisted that it was time for something new, and he had given in. He knew better than to argue too much; and when he thought about it, he realized that she coerced him into buying that coat he had been wearing for all of these years.

Jim smiled; it was just one more sign that they were settling comfortably back into their marriage. He cherished those little signs; the feeling that normalcy had been restored to his life in so many ways after such a long absence. She'd been back for five months, and at home with him for a little over a month and there was still a part of him that was in awe when he woke up beside her every morning. As she paused at a table of discounted jarred candles, he couldn't resist the urge to rub his hand against the small of her back. She glanced at him and smiled and then turned her attention back to the selection of candles; picking one up to breath in its scent.

As Johanna continued to sort through the candles; Jim's eyes scanned the store; on alert for any unwanted attention. So far so good, he thought, until his gaze landed on a figure some distance away. It had been a long time since he had seen Colleen McKenzie Weston, but he knew without a doubt that it was her, despite the highlights in her brown hair and a few extra pounds he didn't recall her having before. Her icy gaze was planted on her sister's back as she remained rooted in place. "Please let her walk away," he silently pleaded. "Please don't let her come over here." If Colleen came up to them and made a scene, he'd never get Johanna out of the house again. Colleen's gaze darted to his and he gave her a look of warning; silently daring her to spew her hatefulness there. She smirked and shook her head; turning on her heel and stalking back to the front of the store.

Jim hadn't realized that he had tensed and increased the pressure of his hand on Johanna's back until he heard her asking "What's wrong, Jim?"

"Nothing," he replied; relaxing his posture and focusing his attention back on her.

"Is someone here? Were we followed?" she questioned; agitation coloring her tone.

"No," he said; shaking his head. "Everything's fine."

"You tensed," she stated as she eyed him. "Who did you see?"

"No one."

"Jim, who's here?"

"No one, sweetheart; I thought I saw someone but I was wrong."

"Who did you think it was?"

He suppressed a weighted breath; he had to watch how he reacted to spotting things; she knew the second his demeanor changed and went on alert in regard to it. "I thought I saw Charles Patterson," he lied. "I was afraid he might try to steal you away."

Johanna frowned; not believing him for a second. "Was it Sharon?" she asked softly; figuring her former best friend had spotted her and fled to avoid a second awkward encounter.

"No; I swear it wasn't."

She believed that and she was tempted to press him about who he had really seen but then she figured she was probably better off not knowing for the moment.

"Have you found anything you like?" Jim asked with a nod at the candles.

She gave a small smile. "I like this one," she told him; holding out a crystal like jar that contained a pink candle for him to sniff.

"It's no wonder," he said with a quiet laugh. "It's strawberry; that's your favorite scent."

She laughed softly. "Do you mind if I get a candle warmer and this candle for the house."

"Honey, you can get whatever you want for the house, just like you always did. You don't have to ask my permission."

"I just don't want to do something you don't like or want."

"Johanna; you're not a guest, you're my wife. It's your home, you're the queen, you do as you please like you have from the day we moved in. Just because you had to be away for awhile doesn't change that. Now get a few of those strawberry candles if they have more than one; get as many scents as you want and if you want more than one candle warmer get it, okay?"

"Okay," she replied; handing him the shopping basket she had picked up when they entered the store; "Hold this so I can load it up."

"That's what I'm here for," he chuckled.

Johanna grinned at him. "I thought you were here to be my bodyguard."

"That too," he responded. "I'm a man of many talents."

"I know," she said with a wink.

Jim slid his free hand along her side. "That wink could be misconstrued as being open to certain ploys later."

"Or it could just be wishful thinking on your part," his wife responded as she placed a few candles in the basket.

He laughed as he pressed a kiss against her temple. "I guess we'll see."

Johanna's eyes gleamed with amusement. "I guess we will."

* * *

Later that day, Johanna scooped up the last bite of her salad and then washed it down with the rest of her soda. She thought of the shopping bags in the trunk of the car and the fact that they were now finishing up lunch and she felt confident that Jim would take her home now…or at least she was hoping that was the plan.

"Are we going home now?" she asked as she caught his eye; a small smile on her lips and that hopefulness shining brightly in her eyes.

Jim hated to squash her hopes; he knew she was antsy to get back to the house now but he felt like if he gave in and went against the plan he had formed, he wouldn't be doing her any favors. "No," he answered; a touch of gentleness in his tone as he held her gaze.

"No?" she repeated; the light in her eyes dimming as her teeth worried her bottom lip.

He shook his head. "We still have things to do."

"Like what? We went shopping, we had lunch. Let's go home now."

"No; not yet. I need to go pick up a few files for that case I'm working on."

"And then we'll go home?"

Jim smiled patiently. "No; I figure after that we'll go for a walk in the park like we used to do. That was on your dream list and the weather is still warm enough. The leaves have turned colors…you always like that, don't you?"

"Yeah," she replied reluctantly. "What are we going to do after that?"

"Oh we'll find something to do…there's no need to hurry back."

Johanna lowered her head and her foot tapped against the floor in a nervous rhythm. She didn't like feeling this way and she knew that Jim was trying to help her by keeping them out of the house but that little knot of anxiety remained in her chest. It felt foolish...it was foolish; but she couldn't help feeling it. She was okay for the most part with short outings; she could even relax once she concentrated on shopping or eating or their conversations. When her mind was unoccupied, those whispers of need to go home before something kept her from getting there would echo through her mind, making that knot tighten until they were on their way back home.

There was also that feeling of being exposed to the world. Everywhere she went she wondered who might be watching them or talking about them. She was always on alert; her eyes always searching for a camera that would denote the presence of the media; which would only increase her need to flee. This wasn't easy. She tried so hard to shove her fears and insecurities into a box in the back of her mind but they always crawled back out. She just felt better at home; and she knew that was a problem. She wanted to overcome it; wanted to be normal again...but on the other hand, she didn't want to fight her need for security. They had been out all morning. She just wanted to go home...but apparently her husband was putting his foot down with her today. There were times when that was attractive...this wasn't one of those days, as she found herself slightly irritated with his insistence that they keep finding things to do.

"Shouldn't we save something for another day?" she asked.

"I don't think so. I'll be working for the next few days and besides, this is New York City; we're not going to run out of things to do and places to go."

"A lot of those places are theaters and you swore them off long ago," Johanna commented.

He smiled. "Sweetheart, don't pick a fight; it isn't going to get us anywhere."

She sighed. "But I have things to do at home."

"Like what? The house couldn't be any cleaner; and we have plenty of baked goods."

"I have laundry to do," she replied firmly.

"We're not in danger of going without clean clothes. It can wait until tomorrow."

A flicker of temper sparkled in her eyes. "I could just go hail a cab and go home by myself."

He nodded as he rested his elbows on the table and interlocked his fingers; a practice she had seen him do hundreds of times at his desk and it usually indicated that he meant business. "You could do that; but you won't," he remarked.

Her brow rose as she eyed him with equal stubbornness. "And why is that?"

"Because I think you know that if you do that, that you and I are going to have a fight once I catch up with you at home. I don't think you want that. I know I don't want to fight with you tonight, Johanna. There are better ways to spend our time. I promise you that the house is still going to be there when we get back...but we're not going home yet. Now if you want something else to eat or another drink; we'll sit here for awhile longer, but afterwards, we're going to go do something else. Now what's it going to be? Are we staying here for awhile or are we going on?"

Johanna propped her elbow on the table and allowed her chin to drop into her hand as she tuned her head away from her husband. She felt like such a child and she closed her eyes for a moment as she took a few breaths to steady and calm herself. Jim studied her as she sorted through her internal monologue. He had prepared himself for the possibility that she might get angry with him when he denied her requests to go home...but being prepared for it didn't make it any easier. He didn't want to be harsh with her; he didn't want to upset her...but how else was he supposed to get her through this? Jim moved his hand across the table and brushed his fingers against her hand.

"You're doing fine, Jo," he said quietly.

A shuddering breath crossed her lips but no tears followed; for which he was grateful. "I'm a mess," she whispered.

He continued to caress her hand. "No you're not, sweetheart. I know this is hard for you, and you feel like you're floundering but you're not. You're doing fine...especially when you let go and stop thinking about it. I know it's not easy for you to do that right now but you have to keep trying. I swear to you that everything is fine. Now do you want something else or do you want to go?"

She shifted in her seat; he was giving her the option of lingering so that she could get her bearings...and she was ashamed to admit that she needed it. "I think I need a piece of cake," she stated.

Jim nodded and gave her an understanding smile. "Cake does sound good. Do you want another soda?"

"Yeah; that would be great." He went off to get their desert and to get her drink and she sank back against the booth. She could do this... she just hoped she wouldn't have to do it for too much longer that day.

* * *

Jim had switched the order of their plans after lunch and as he and Johanna walked along one of the quieter paths of the park, she voiced the question that kept nagging at her. "Are you going to tell me who you saw while we were shopping?"

"I told you, it was nothing," he remarked.

"It was something…or rather someone," she replied; unable to get the thought out of her mind. "You said it wasn't Sharon."

"It wasn't."

"Was it one of your friends?"

"No."

"Another former friend of mine?"

"No."

Johanna glanced away, her eyes taking in the blossoming fall foliage. "Someone you know that you don't want me to know that you know?"

Jim couldn't help but laugh. "Try to say that three times fast."

She smiled and squeezed his hand. "I'm serious."

He exhaled a heavy breath. "What are you implying, Jo?"

"Nothing; I was just asking if it was someone you knew that I don't know…which is fine if it was."

"Like who?" he asked. "Some girlfriend I had while you were away?"

The thought made her stomach turn sour. "I don't know…we never really talked about it…not in regard to you that is. Plenty was said about me," she said softly. "But it was just a stupid thought; I didn't have anyone specific in mind."

Jim spotted a bench a few feet away and he stayed quiet as he led her toward it and sat down; pulling her along with him. He knew that she thought something bad was coming as her hands fluttered nervously on her lap as she settled down beside him, her head lowered. He bumped her chin up with his knuckle. "Take those sunglasses off and look at me," he demanded quietly.

Johanna took her sunglasses off with a slightly trembling hand, forcing her gaze to meet his as she silently berated herself for walking down this road.

"I'm sorry that I hurt you, Johanna," he said sincerely, his tone quiet and gentle.

"It's alright," she murmured. "You had a right. I broke your trust in me, I deserved it. It hurt to be accused and it made me angry because I didn't do what you thought…but I guess in hindsight I can't blame you for thinking the worst of me."

"I regret jumping to the wrong conclusions, Jo. I know you'd never be unfaithful to me…especially with that idiot in Wyoming. You have better taste than that…I mean you did pick me after all."

She managed a small smile for him. "That doesn't mean you didn't have a right to think badly of me. I didn't mean to dig this up again, really I didn't. I don't know what made me say what I did; I really didn't mean anything by it. Let's just forget that I said anything."

Jim shook his head. "I don't think we can do that…it's clearly something you wonder about sometimes."

She regretted having that piece of cake for dessert at lunch as her stomach turned even queasier. "I don't want to know, Jim," she said softly. "I wouldn't be angry with you if there was someone else while I was gone. You would've been within your rights to be with someone else; you thought I was gone and that I wasn't coming back. It wouldn't have been cheating…but I don't want to know…it would hurt to know…so if there was someone, don't tell me. Just…don't tell me."

"There wasn't anyone else, Jo," he said as he held her gaze. "I wouldn't let there be anyone else; it would've felt like cheating and I couldn't bear that. I'm not saying that there weren't opportunities…but I didn't take them. I didn't want them. If I couldn't have you I didn't want anyone. No one could measure up to you, no one could replace you, no one could mean anything to me like you do. I learned to live without you, but I never fully accepted it. I never let you go. I learned to deal with it…but I didn't let you go. I honestly believe that some part of my heart knew that you weren't really gone, sweetheart; that's why I couldn't accept it. It never felt right. It always felt like something didn't add up, that something was wrong. There was never anyone else. I wouldn't lie to you about that; I demanded the truth from you and you deserve the truth from me. Neither one of us betrayed the other; we didn't break our vows. We were both faithful just like we always were and we always will be, okay?"

She nodded. "I'm sorry."

He cupped her cheek, his thumb sweeping across her cheek bone. "Don't be; you have every right to ask and know. As for the trust; I keep telling you that I do trust you. You haven't destroyed my faith in you, sweetheart. You came home to me; that shows my faith and trust isn't misplaced."

"I don't know how to stop being this way yet," Johanna whispered. "I seem to be getting worse instead of better."

He shook his head. "No; you're just letting yourself feel things that you haven't allowed yourself to feel for a long time. You've been preoccupied with my feelings and Katie's; you haven't given yours a lot of time to surface. You're doing fine; don't worry."

Johanna released a heavy breath and shifted, moving into his arms for a much needed embrace. Her husband held her tightly for a moment and then pulled back enough to capture her lips in a kiss. "I love you," he told her quietly.

"I love you too…only you."

He smiled. "I know, sweetheart; it's mutual."

She breathed deeply and remained cuddled against his side as they remained on the bench. It was silent between them and she focused her attention on a squirrel across the path who seemed to be gathering his food for the coming winter. She smiled a little as she watched him scamper about, collecting as many acorns as he could find on the ground beneath the trees.

"It was your sister," Jim stated, breaking the silence.

"What?" she asked.

"In the store…I saw Colleen."

She quiet for a moment, digesting the information. Her sister had been mere feet away and they hadn't spoken…she hadn't even caught a glimpse of her. "Did she see you…us?"

"Yeah; she saw us."

"How did she look?"

"In what way?" he asked. "Physically or her expression?"

"Both."

"She's got a few more pounds on her than I remember her having," Jim remarked; "But I'm not saying that in a mean way."

"I know what you mean," she assured. If there was one thing she knew it was that her husband was always cautious in discussing a woman's weight. He never wanted to offend or hurt feelings…and she had a feeling he had learned that lesson after dealing with her and her quest to lose her pregnancy weight.

"She has highlights in her hair."

"Highlights?" she repeated.

Jim nodded. "Blonde."

"Good lord," Johanna muttered as she rolled her eyes. "I wish I had seen that."

He gave a soft chuckle. "It seemed a bit out of place on her…she should stick to just having light brown hair."

"Did she…did she seem like she was going to come up to us?"

Jim entwined his fingers with hers. "No; she didn't make any move to come over to us."

"How did she look…expression wise?"

"Unhappy," he replied; leaving out the icy glare and anger he had seen in Colleen's face. "But in all honesty, I always felt like Colleen looked unhappy more often than not."

She knew that Jim was trying to spare her feelings so she nodded in acceptance of his words. "I wish I had seen her," she murmured. "I wish I could've talked to her."

"She just would've caused a scene, Jo."

"I know…but at least it would've been over with. We're going to run into each other eventually…I'd just rather get the initial hate fest over with."

"Maybe she'll surprise you one day…maybe she'll have some kind of epiphany and get it and come around."

Johanna smiled as she met his gaze. "We are still talking about my sister right? She's not known for getting epiphanies."

"I know…but there's a first time for everything," he laughed.

"That's true…are we ready to go home now?"

"You know we're not," he told her as he gave her hand a squeeze and then pulled her up from the bench with him. "We're going to walk some more…and then we have to make that stop at the office."

"And then we'll go home?" she asked.

"We'll see," Jim replied as they started down the path once more. He had no intentions of taking her home yet…and he knew he'd probably pay for it later.

* * *

Jim felt like their long walk in the park had done Johanna some good; she had relaxed and shook off some of her nerves while they walked, she had even found a red leaf that she had taken a fancy to and tucked into her pocket to save as a memento. But now as they neared the law firm, he could feel the tension beginning to fill her again.

"I'll wait in the car," Johanna said as he found a parking spot near the firm.

"No; you're coming in with me," he replied. "You can meet Craig."

"Are you sure that's a good idea?" she asked as she toyed with her seat belt; obviously reluctant to unhook it.

"Why wouldn't it be?"

"Well...I just figure with the way things are right now, maybe it would be best if I kept a low profile...instead of being forced on people."

Jim looked at her, a glimmer of sternness in his eyes. "I'm introducing you to a friend, not forcing you on someone. You have nothing to worry about where Craig is concerned."

"Are you sure? Because I don't want you to have to defend me and I don't want to cause you to lose your friends."

"Johanna, you're my wife; what am I supposed to do, shove you in a closet and pretend you don't exist whenever one of my friends come around?"

"I just thought..."

"Just nothing," he interrupted. "If someone has a problem with me having a second chance with the woman I love, then they were never really my friend, now were they?"

Johanna remained silent; fearing she'd just make things worse as she could hear the undertones of tension in his voice.

"I met your friend Carolyn in Wyoming. I think it's only fair that you meet one of my friends, Jo. I know it's not easy for you; but it wasn't all that easy for me either."

The remark stung but she figured it was only the truth. She nodded and unbuckled her seatbelt. Jim felt a measure of remorse as he watched her; seeing her swallow hard. He had a feeling that he had gone too far with that last remark but he wasn't sure how to fix it. He reached for her hand and held it; giving it a small squeeze of encouragement as he gentled his tone.

"Craig knows I'm bringing you with me; he's looking forward to meeting you," he told her; hoping to put her at ease with the knowledge that he wasn't springing her on his friend out of the blue. "I wouldn't take you to meet someone who I had doubts about what their reaction or reception to you would be."

"I'm fine," she replied as she pulled her hand away from his and reached for the door handle. "I'm ready. Let's go."

Jim sighed as he got out of the car. He felt like he had just undone the slight progress they had made but there didn't seem to be anything to do about it. Leaving her in the car was out of the question and taking her home after his errand didn't sit right. He'd stick to the plan he already had in motion. He was glad though that he had given Craig a heads up about bringing Johanna with him... and that he shouldn't take her quiet demeanor personally. He was especially glad he had added that postscript to his message as he joined his wife on the sidewalk, because he could already see Johanna retreating into her shell. Jim took her hand again and glanced at her; wishing she'd take off her sunglasses so that he could see her eyes and know exactly what was going on in her mind...but she remained hidden and silent as they approached the doors.

"This should be a sentimental trip," Jim commented; "Considering this is where we met."

A small smile touched her lips. "Oh it's sentimental alright."

"I hope so...I know I have a lot of good memories here...all of them involving you," he replied as they got on the elevator. "What about you? Any memories coming back to you yet?"

"Yeah; this is the elevator you held me hostage in."

"I did not hold you hostage," Jim retorted; making her giggle in the process.

"Then what do you call it?"

"A desperate measure; it was the only way you'd talk to me...if you recall, you were being very stubborn that week."

Johanna nodded. "I recall it very well. I wasn't being stubborn...I was just letting you know how it was going to be if you didn't make a commitment to me. You were the stubborn one."

"I see that we have differing viewpoints about the encounter."

"That doesn't surprise me a bit," she quipped. "You're biased to yourself."

Jim laughed. "I guess it really doesn't matter which viewpoint is right...we both know the truth despite our biases and after all, all that matters is that we ended up together."

"That's true," she said fondly as she slipped an arm around his waist.

Jim smiled at her and then gently pulled her sunglass off her face before pressing a soft kiss to her lips. "Let everyone see those pretty eyes of yours, sweetheart," he whispered.

He had taken away a piece of her armor, Johanna thought to herself as she looked at her black ELLE sunglasses that he held in his hand. She took a breath and managed a smile as she plucked them from his hand and slid them into the pocket of her jacket.

"That's my girl," Jim said quietly; his hand rubbing against the small of her back as the elevator doors opened.

"Oh wow," Johanna said as she looked down the long hallway.

"What?"

"There are a lot of memories here," she commented as her mind flashed back to nearly forty years before when she had been fresh out of law school and this place had become her stomping grounds. It was where she had found Jim...it was where they had fallen in love. She had memories here of her friendship with Sharon; and Maggie and Jeff, along with others. She had been here during her pregnancy; and she could still remember feeling Kate's kicks as she worked at her desk; and that one day when she roamed the hallway in search of a colleague who might have a candy bar stashed in their desk that would satisfy one of her cravings. "Thank God for Jeff," she thought to herself; remembering that he had found a Snickers bar in his bottom desk drawer. He made it a point to keep a stash on hand after that, and so had her husband.

Jim paused in front of an office; pulling her from her thoughts. She took a breath and glanced up at him; feeling his gaze upon her. "Are you ready?" he asked. She nodded; but she felt a small bit of anxiety as he led her into the office.

The secretary was away from her desk and Jim moved forward and knocked on the open door of the inner office space. A voice beckoned him to come in and Johanna steeled herself as Jim tugged her along behind him. She stayed quiet as the men greeted each other; subtly studying this friend of Jim's. She pegged him as being in his mid fifties; he looked kind enough...but looks could be deceiving and she was on guard despite her attempts to relax herself. She tensed slightly as Craig's eyes shifted towards her and she clutched Jim's hand in response.

"Craig, this is my wife, Johanna," Jim stated; giving her a warm smile as he looked at her. "Jo; this is Craig Taylor."

"It's nice to meet you, Johanna," Craig said as he extended his hand to her; glimpsing the worry in her eyes as a small smile touched her lips.

"It's nice to meet you too," she replied as she accepted his hand.

"Jim's told me a lot about you," the man stated.

Her gaze slid towards her husband and she managed to keep the smile on her lips. "Well I guess I can only hope that his stories about me aren't the type of wild exaggerations that make up his fishing stories."

Craig chuckled as Jim slid his arm around her waist and pulled her against his side. "Those aren't wild exaggerations," he stated. "They're all true."

"Sure they are."

"I've heard some of those fishing stories," Craig remarked. "I have wondered about some of them."

"If they're about fish the size of the boat; they're a lie," Johanna said; a teasing sparkle lighting up her eyes as she glanced at her husband.

His hand rubbed against her side in a silent "you're doing fine" message. "They're not all lies," Jim remarked. "There was that one big one I managed to keep hold of."

"Which one was that?" she asked.

"You," he grinned.

She laughed and then looked to his friend. "It was the other way around. I caught him...right here in this building."

Craig smiled at her. "Now that's a story I believe." He invited them to sit down, and seeing that Johanna was relaxing, Jim didn't turn down the offer. They had been making small talk for a few minutes when a figure appeared in the doorway.

"Well, well, well; look whose back from the dead," Stanley Carmichael stated as he eyed Johanna.

She tensed immediately as her gaze snapped towards Stanley before darting back to her husband. "I told you I should've stayed in the car. I had a feeling there were still a few jackasses roaming free around here."

"You have your nerve showing your face here," Stanley remarked curtly.

"Well I always thought you had your nerve for showing your face outside of a zoo but you don't hear me complaining," Johanna retorted.

"You always were a bitch. I guess your 'resurrection' hasn't changed that."

"Walk out of here while you're still able, Stanley," Jim stated as he rose from his chair.

"Like I'm really afraid of you," he scoffed.

"You better be; because I don't have anything here to lose anymore that would keep me from hitting you."

"You know, Stanley; that toupee is even worse in person than in that picture Jeff took of it," Johanna remarked; taking his focus off of her husband.

"This is my real hair," he huffed.

"Yeah right," she laughed; "And I'm the Queen of England."

He glared at her. "You must really think you're something now with your name and face all over the news; destroying the career of a good man who did good things for this country."

Johanna smirked as her eyes narrowed at him. "Why am I not surprised that you voted for him? I guess all of you slimy jackasses are cut from the same greasy cloth. If you think murder is a good thing for a country then I guess he was one of the best at excelling at it. Tell me, Stanley; what did Bracken do for you? Did he line your pockets for a few favors somewhere along the way?"

"At least he wasn't trying to get a mobster released from prison."

"He didn't commit the crime he was convicted of," she said through clenched teeth.

"Who cares," Stanley stated snidely.

"I do."

"Well then I guess you don't have anyone but yourself to blame for your troubles, now isn't that right."

"Don't act like all of your clients are fine upstanding citizens with moral characters," Johanna remarked. "Don't even stand there and act like you are; we all know about your dirty little tricks and deals over the years."

Stanley smirked evilly. "But I never pulled a dirty trick like yours, Johanna. No one's been to my funeral yet...I've been to yours though; and I don't appreciate having my time wasted like that."

It was a slap in the face but she took it in stride as she rose from her chair; momentarily blocking Jim as he moved to charge toward the other man. She reached back and caught hold of his hand; squeezing it slightly in silent askance that he let her fight her own battle. He stayed quiet but she could feel his ire as he remained at her back. She pulled her hand away and smiled at her old nemesis. "Don't worry, Stanley; I'll return the favor one day and go to yours...I'll be the one dancing."

"You know you'd think that after having someone try to kill you that you'd mend your ways and curb that smart mouth of yours; but I see you didn't learn a thing from the experience...maybe next time. With the way you are; there's bound to be someone else waiting for a chance."

"Your mouth is going to get you killed in about thirty seconds if you don't shut up and get out of here," Jim said darkly as he eyed the man.

"Yeah, Stanley; get the hell out of here," Craig chimed in.

Stanley apparently wasn't finished yet though. "Don't think you're going to come sniffing around here for a job, Johanna; because I'll never allow you to work here. You never belonged here in the first place and I'm a senior partner now..."

"Stanley, I didn't give a damn who you were forty years ago and I sure as hell don't give a damn who or what you are now," she remarked tartly. "I haven't worked here since my daughter was three; she'll be thirty-three next month, so I assure you that after a thirty year reprieve from looking at your ugly face every day, I have no desire to ever work with you again."

"Good; because you don't belong here. You've never known your place...and apparently neither does your daughter. After all; she is out there trying to do a man's job. But on the other hand, I guess you must be proud that she's also managing to screw a millionaire at the same time."

"You son of a bitch," she exclaimed. "Don't you ever talk about my daughter like that! I will rip you apart with my bare hands."

"You're going to have to take a number for that one," Jim said; as he kept hold of her jacket to keep her from going after the man.

"You two are quite a pair," Stanley sneered. "If she was my wife; she'd be out on the street begging for change to pay for her next meal."

"If I was your wife; I would've shot you long ago," Johanna retorted.

"You know, Jim," Stanley said as he met his steely gaze; "I thought you were a fool for becoming a drunk over her; I think you're an even bigger fool now for taking her back."

Johanna broke free from Jim's grasp; moving forward with lightning speed; her hand curled into a fist at her side, but her husband managed to grab her as Craig pushed Stanley out the door. Fury blazed in her eyes; her body showcasing the agitation she felt inside.

"Keep her here," Jim said to Craig once he released his hold on her. Craig nodded and Jim went out the door after Stanley; grabbing the man's arm and dragging him into an empty conference room, where he backed him up against the wall and got in his face.

"First of all, don't you ever insinuate that my daughter is some kind of whore; because she isn't and if you ever make a statement implying that again, I'm going to knock your teeth out. And don't you ever imply that she isn't capable of doing her job because she's a woman. She's capable of far more than you ever have been."

Stanley smirked. "I'm sorry for besmirching the image of your precious little girl."

"Katie's never done anything to you; you don't even know her so you keep your mouth shut about her."

"And here I thought you were going to defend your wife's honor...what's left of it."

"You're walking a thin line, Stanley," Jim warned. "My wife is the victim in this situation; not the criminal. You got away with a lot today because she wants to fight her own battles; but from now on where you're concerned; I'll be the one fighting it and I will hurt you, make no mistake about that. Keep your mouth shut and stay away from her."

"Gladly," Stanley spat. "Now let me go. Finish your business here and get out."

Jim stepped back and allowed him to go and then he returned to Craig's office and collected his wife and the files he had been picking up.

As the elevator doors slid shut; Johanna turned towards him. "Can we please go home now?"

Jim shook his head. "I think we should go somewhere and relax; and besides; we haven't had dinner yet."

"We just had lunch awhile ago!" she exclaimed. "I'll make dinner at home."

"I'm giving you the day off from cooking."

"I don't want the day off," she said through clenched teeth.

"You're taking it anyway. It's mandatory. We'll go see a movie first."

She paced the small enclosure. "We can watch a movie at home."

"No, Johanna; we're not going home yet."

Johanna braced a hand against the wall of the elevator as her other hand landed on her hip. "Honey, you're really starting to try my patience," she said sweetly.

Jim smiled at her. "It's not the first time...probably won't be the last."

She sighed heavily and pulled her sunglasses from her pocket and slipped them back on, defeat written in her posture as she remained silent.

* * *

Johanna lingered beneath the layers of bubbles in the bathtub later that evening, her eyes closed as she focused on relaxing her body. The warm water lapped against her skin, helping to soothe the tension as she sighed; the quietness of the bathroom wrapping around her, making her feel cocooned in her chosen sanctuary. It had been a long day, she mused as she soaked. She had enjoyed the shopping trip…it had been nice to take her time and to be out with her husband in a more relaxed way. She loved their date nights, but date nights came with some pressure these days, pressure in the form of the media who followed them and from other patrons who might recognize them and tip someone off. There had been no reporters following along today, for which she was thankful; and the other shoppers paid them no mind, making her doubly thankful for small favors. Shopping had definitely been a more relaxed, enjoyable outing…but still, there had been moments of nervousness and anxiety. Johanna blew out a breath, God she hated anxiety. She hated the way it made her hands tremble, the way it could hound her and make her feel like a vice was squeezing the breath from her body at times. Some days she could shake it off easier than others.

Overall, she felt like it had been one of her better days; despite the evidence that some would use to point to the contrary. Oh she knew that she had tried Jim's patience just as much as he had tried hers but she hadn't been doing it on purpose. That agitated need to get back to the safety of home had driven her to it. She didn't like the fear she carried any more than he did…and she knew that he had kept her out until the early evening for her own good. He was trying to nudge her along in a small way and she wasn't trying to rail against that, not deep down at her core…it was just that damn anxiety that gnawed at her at times, whispering in her ear that she needed to get back home where she was safer…where she was hidden from view…from the judgment of people who didn't know her.

Johanna's fingers curled around the edge of the tub; she had a lot of work to do in getting better…and she was lucky that her husband was as patient as he was with her; that he could smile when her temper flared. A small smile of her own touched her lips; maybe he took her temper as a good sign…knowing him he probably did. She worried though; what would happen if his patience ran out? She knew she hadn't been the best company for him after their encounter with Stanley Carmichael. Stanley had succeeded at stomping on her scars; provoking her ire, unleashing her feelings of guilt and her unease of being looked at like she carried the plague. The encounter had set her off balance, made her uneasy in her own skin again. She hated that feeling.

She sunk lower in the water. The downturn of her mood couldn't have been easy for Jim to deal with and she felt remorseful. She really didn't deserve him…but she was so thankful that he was hers anyway. She just wished this would all go away so that they could have peace and be as free as they used to be. She hoped that she hadn't angered him with the downturn of her mood; she had tried to shake it off but it kept sticking to her during the rest of the day. She also hoped that he didn't think that she was angry with him somehow. They hadn't talked since they had gotten home. The need for a little space drove her to stay busy and he had retreated to the office and had yet to resurface or call for her. It wasn't that unusual when he was working on something…but her damn worrying mind made her wonder if it was something more than work.

Johanna suppressed a groan of frustration and allowed her hand to slip away from the edge of the tub and slap against the bubbly water. She had become a worrier like her mother…but then again, maybe she was just realizing that she had always been a worrier like her mother. She sighed, there were worse things she could be she supposed but the thought of her mother reminded her of Jim's confession about seeing Colleen while they were shopping. Her heart ached; she wanted to see her sister; wanted to talk to her, wanted to make her understand…wanted to hug her and just spend time with her. They had had their ups and downs through the years; they had lost some of their closeness of childhood as adults but she had still cherished her sister's presence in her life…even when things were bad between them. There would be an inevitable meeting, she knew that without a doubt, and she knew that it wouldn't be pretty…but there was a little part of her that was clinging to the hope that maybe after Colleen's initial meltdown that things could get sorted out. But nothing was ever that easy with her sister…and she had a feeling that the only thing that had spared her from receiving Colleen's tirade that day had been the fact that Jim was standing next to her.

She shook away the thoughts of her sister; she didn't want to dwell on that right now. She should think of her husband instead and a way to both thank him and apologize for the day that they'd had. It might've turned sour toward the end, but maybe she could make it up to him…show him there were no hard feelings on her part; quietly ask forgiveness for being the mess that she was. She could turn this night around; she could get them back in that warm bubble they liked to exist in.

* * *

Jim leaned back in his desk chair and closed his eyes, wondering if he should linger awhile longer or head upstairs to bed. Johanna had kept to herself since they had gotten home earlier that evening. He didn't mind; he had anticipated that she'd need some space which was why he had taken up residence in their office. He had his files to go over, notes to make and things to prepare for the case he was helping to construct, which gave him plenty to keep occupied with as he stayed out of Johanna's hair for awhile.

He had pushed her a good bit that day and he knew it had been a struggle for her but he felt that she had done relatively well. But still, she had been irritated with his stonewalling every time she asked to go home and then there had been that unexpected encounter with Stanley. She had held her own in the battle, but the remarks about Kate had ignited maternal instinct…the remark about the years he had spent in the bottle had triggered her guilt. She was going to carry that burden with him; she'd shoulder it all if she could and if he'd let her. He just couldn't get Johanna to understand that it had been his decision to drink; she had just been the excuse he had used for it…but his wife was a complicated woman. In her mind, there wouldn't have been the possibility of an excuse if it hadn't been for her.

Jim couldn't absolve her of that guilt; nor could he make her realize that any number of things could've come along and triggered that behavior, it never had to necessarily be her. She wouldn't even allow him to remind her of that brief time during the sixth year of their marriage when she had asked him if his drinking habits were getting to be a problem. That had been his wake up call back then, but she refused to accept it as evidence that a problem might've always been lingering somewhere inside, just waiting for the moment to make itself known, regardless of anything she did or didn't do.

Johanna had remained agitated throughout the movie and into dinner; and she hadn't wanted to speak of the encounter with Stanley. She had brushed it off as normal behavior from the man, but he'd seen the spark of guilt in her eyes; the self loathing, the apologies that she had already whispered a hundred times before. There had been a few flares of temper throughout the day…but he considered that a good thing for the most part. On the other hand, he was left wondering if she was harboring any anger towards him for keeping her out so long; and for making her go into the firm with him and therefore putting her in Stanley's path. While he had been working, he had listened intently to the sound of her moving through the house as she made herself busy before settling into the living room, and he noticed that she had avoided coming near the office. A short while earlier, he had heard her retreat upstairs, but still he waited; his mind drifting with a hundred different thoughts. Chances were, his wife was still mildly peeved with him, and she'd devise a form of punishment for him. Most likely she'd also sleep with her back to him and be glad to send him off to work in the morning just so she'd have the peace of knowing that she didn't have to leave the house again.

He was so absorbed in his thoughts that he hadn't heard the sound of Johanna's footsteps as they carried her to the doorway of the room. She paused for a moment to study her husband, worrying her bottom lip as she did so. By the looks of his relaxed position in his chair, it was possible that he was avoiding her. She couldn't say she blamed him; she was sure she'd been a pain to deal with all day…but she wanted to make it better; and she hoped that his closed eyes didn't mean he had fallen asleep on her before she had gotten to try.

Johanna moved quietly through the room; rounding his desk and pausing next to his chair. She lowered her face to his and brushed a gentle kiss against his lips before she stepped back and perched in front of him on the edge of the desk; propping her feet against the arm of his chair.

Jim's eyes flicked open; a small smile ghosting across his lips at the sight of her. "What are you doing, Sassy?" he asked quietly.

Her gaze met his, a multitude of apologies in her eyes but she didn't know how to voice or explain them; and a part of her didn't want to try. He seemed to understand as his hand moved to caress a bare leg that her robe revealed to him. "Are you coming to bed?" she asked softly.

"I thought you had already gone up to bed," he replied.

"I did...but I was waiting for you."

"Were you?" he questioned gently.

She braced a hand against the desk and then leaned toward him; capturing his mouth with hers in a long kiss. He gently caught hold of her face, keeping her from pulling back once the kiss had ended. He studied her intently as he held her gaze and he saw the understanding in her eyes. She wasn't angry with him...but he had detected a spark of fear that he might be the one who was angry.

Jim kissed her tenderly; trying to erase any doubts she had as her fingertips moved feather light along the curve of his face and into his hairline. "Do we need to talk about anything?" he asked; forcing himself to release his hold on her; although he allowed one hand to remain on her leg, offering a soothing caress.

"No," she whispered; her hand gliding down his chest. "I like this shirt," she murmured; rubbing her fingers against the soft grey cotton material.

Jim gave a soft laugh. "I know; I'm surprised it hasn't found its way into your drawer yet."

"It still could," she quipped.

"Are you sure we don't need to talk?"

His wife smiled coyly. "I think we could find better things to do with our time tonight."

His brow rose. "Is that right?"

She nodded. "Unless you're not interested in what I have to offer."

"Maybe I better look into the matter and see just what it is you're offering," he replied with a grin as he reached for the sash of her robe and tugged at it; causing it to fall open and reveal a familiar dark red silk nightgown.

"Well?" she asked quietly; a saucy lilt to her tone.

"I'm definitely interested in your offer," he replied.

She smiled and moved from the desk to his lap; teasing him with kisses against his neck and his jaw before allowing him to claim her lips. A soft, slender hand found its way beneath his shirt; moving with practiced ease against his skin. She sure did know how to start a fire, he thought to himself as his own hand moved toward the hem of her nightgown. She captured his wrist; a mischievous glint in her eyes as she pulled it away from her nightgown and then removed herself from his lap.

So he was going to be punished after all, he thought as she dodged his hands as they tried to pull her back to him. "Come to bed," Johanna told him with a sassy look as she made a slow purposeful walk to the door.

"I take it you're being the boss?" Jim asked.

She smiled. "Well I did play by your rules all day; it's only fair that you play by mine now."

He chuckled as she stepped across the threshold of the office; there was a small friendly slap in those words; recalling his earlier statement about how he had met her friend so she should meet his. He didn't mind having his words thrown back in his face; they'd been doing that all of their lives...and he didn't mind the game she'd play tonight, he thought as he turned off the lamp on his desk and made his way to the door. She would punish him by drawing things out and making him wait; and if he tried to hurry her along, she'd just slow things down even more until he learned to play by the rules. If he had to be punished for what he had put her through all day; this was the method he preferred...but he knew this was about more than a seductive revenge and the playful passion of long time lovers...it was about her need to apologize although she had done nothing wrong...and it was about how she needed to know that things were still alright between them.

As he approached the stairs, he found her waiting for him on the bottom step. "Impatient, sweetheart?" he asked.

"No," she replied; a soft smile on her lips as she held out a hand to him. "I just figured that since you held my hand all day...that I could return the favor."

Jim smiled as he slipped his hand into hers. "Another offer I can't refuse."

Her smile widened and she tugged at his hand; beckoning him to join her as she turned to climb the stairs.

* * *

It always felt somewhat odd to be home without Jim; Johanna thought to herself as she sat at the table the next morning and folded laundry from the basket that sat on the chair next to her. Over the last several weeks, he hadn't left her often, only a few times but she figured that was just something else she'd have to get used to. It wasn't that she minded him going off to do his consulting jobs, she didn't. It was nice to have some time to herself; to think and move about without being watched. She knew that her husband was worried about her in some ways and that he was trying to watch her subtly...but he wasn't always very good at being subtle. She wasn't exactly sure what it was that he was watching for; wasn't even certain if he knew exactly what it was. Maybe he was just on alert for a possible breakdown. Whatever the reason was, she didn't call him on it. It would take care of itself once things calmed down.

Johanna smiled as she folded one of his t-shirts, rubbing her hand against the soft grey cotton before putting it on the pile with his other shirts. She didn't mind the time alone...but she missed him. It was quiet, the TV on the counter playing softly for background noise but there was a sense of peace in her home. As she had walked Jim to the door that morning, it had been so nice to look out and not see the presence of the media. She had been wary though, as she had been the past several days, waiting until mid morning before opening the blinds in the living room and letting the sun pour in. It was a relief, a temporary one, she was sure, but a relief none the less and she felt like she could breathe again.

A thought came to mind out of nowhere, reminding her that the air of early October was still warm enough for being outside in the afternoons. Maybe after she finished folding the laundry and putting it away, she would make a cup of tea and grab her book and go out and sit on the porch swing for awhile. That old swing had always been one of her favorite reading spots. It sounded like a good idea; she felt safe enough. She'd take her phone and she was sure she could make it back inside if someone approached the house. Besides, maybe being outside the door on her own would help ease her fears. Baby steps, she told herself. Baby steps were better than no steps. Once she mastered a few baby steps, she'd work on getting a car and taking that bigger leap. She wouldn't mention that part to Jim...but maybe he'd be proud of her for venturing outside to read.

Johanna folded the last few articles of clothing and then matched socks and folded them as well. She piled her belongings into one side of the basket and then picked up Jim's to put in the vacant space next to hers; her hand brushing against that grey shirt once again. It was funny how something so mundane as laundry could feel so good to her. There was just something about the sight of his clothes in the basket with hers that routinely reminded her that she was home. Everything mundane and every day felt so good; the laundry, the planning of meals and cooking; the debate over what to watch in the evenings...the warmth of their bed. Those brief drowsy moments in the middle of the night when she'd wake to the feel of his arm settling across her waist. She wasn't taking anything for granted, no matter how ordinary of a task it might be.

Of course in between those tasks were things that were special to her; like when they had danced in the kitchen after dinner that second night after they had came back from Wyoming; and how he had helped her unpack and settle in. There were those moments when they were cuddled up together on the sofa, no words between them, for the simple fact that none were necessary. There was also that night a week before, when they had laid in their bed in the darkness and talked all night long, the topics unimportant and his goal to make her laugh with the stories he told successfully achieved. She had laughed...like she didn't have a care in the world, and that night she didn't. She had her husband and they were locked away in their own little world and nothing had mattered but them. It had felt so good and by dawn it had turned into love making...tender and yet passionate; so perfect without those lingering feelings of the last several months behind it for the first time.

A smile touched her lips; her hand moving against the fabric of his shirt as it rested in the basket as her mind filled with the memory of the night before. She was a wife again, in every sense of the word...and in the moments of darkness that sometimes clouded around her, she clung to that knowledge. She had reclaimed her place; no one would take it from her again. She wouldn't allow it. Johanna pushed her thoughts away and rose from her chair to put water on to heat for her tea. She figured that it would be ready by the time she got the laundry put away. She turned back towards the table and picked up the laundry basket from the chair; balancing it against her hip as she carried it through the house.

Just as she reached the stairs, a knock sounded at the door. She froze; a flutter of panic rippling through her stomach. Jim always made it a point to tell Katie when he wasn't going to be home and Kate had already texted once to check in with her. She hadn't mentioned stopping by, and she was certain that Kate would've called her before knocking on the door. It didn't seem likely that it was anyone else that she knew.

A second knock sounded and a trickle of trepidation slid down her spine as she sat the clothes basket on the bottom step. She felt her pockets and realized that she had left her phone in the kitchen, and the cordless phone on the stand would be of no use to her since they had to have their landline disconnected due to the barrage of calls from media outlets. She crept forward and when she reached the stand in the entry way, she slid open the drawer and took out the gun that rested inside; clutching it tightly as she kept it concealed at her side as she approached the door.

… _to be continued_


	5. Chapter 5

_Authors Note: Thanks for your reviews; I'm so glad some of you are still along for the ride! For those who asked; Updating Reflections and The Visitors is on my agenda; I'm just trying to get the words to cooperate. I didn't remove all of the 'Kristina' stuff but I have removed a good majority of it. I kept some because it opens the door to more than one mother/daughter conversation._

Chapter 5- Frozen

" _Let all the hurt inside you die, you're frozen when you're heart's not open" –Madonna_

Johanna studied the door as she approached it; the chain lock was in place and she knew it was locked at the handle as well. She recalled that she had locked the screen door too, that would be another barrier between her and whoever was on the other side. As the third knock sounded, she released the lock on the handle and cracked the door open; peering out as she left the chain lock in place. Her gaze met the face of her visitor and she flinched involuntarily as the thought entered her mind that she was looking at her father. That was impossible though...unless she was losing her mind, and that was entirely possible, she mused.

"Jo," her brother said as he intently studied her face.

"Frankie?"

"Well it isn't Dad," he remarked.

"Tell that to your face," she replied.

He smirked. "It's terrible, isn't it?"

"I wouldn't say it's terrible," Johanna said as she released the chain lock and pulled the door open. "It just caught me off guard. I don't think you've ever looked this much like him before."

"Yeah well I'm seeing a little bit of him in your face too," Frankie replied as she unlatched the screen door for him. "You have his chin."

"I do not."

"Yes you do," he insisted as he entered the house. "It's the same as mine, but if you want to deny it, go ahead."

"It's probably easier to deny it," she replied; relocking door as his gaze dropped to her hand, noticing the gun that she still held.

"You have a gun!"

"You're damn right I have a gun," Johanna replied; glancing down at the weapon.

"What are you doing answering the door with a gun in your hand?"

"I'm home by myself and I didn't know who was out there. Katie calls first before she stops by."

"Put that thing away," Frankie stated. "Seeing you with a gun in your hand that isn't a toy is one of the most terrifying things I've ever seen in my life."

The comment made her smile as she pulled open the drawer of the stand and placed the weapon inside. "I didn't point it at you."

"It wouldn't have surprised me if you had."

With the gun out of sight, silence fell between them and they both stood awkwardly in the entry way, shifting on their feet as they eyed each other.

"Were you busy?" Frankie finally asked.

"No, I was just getting ready to take the laundry upstairs. Do you want some coffee?"

"Yeah, that would be nice. Where's Jim?"

"He's at work," Johanna answered as he followed her to the kitchen.

"I thought I heard that he retired last year."

"He did retire from the day to day. He gets calls to consult on cases and to help put them together but he's not in the courtroom anymore."

"Behind the scenes stuff," her brother commented.

"Right and it's not every day. He gets to pick and choose what he does. Where's Valerie?"

"She's out with Claire; they mentioned something about curtains and rugs and I quit listening. She didn't know I was coming over today. I didn't know either..." he said, letting the sentence fade.

His sister said nothing as she prepared his coffee and he quietly watched her. It was strange to see her after so long but he'd had enough time to reconcile himself with the thought of her existence that it didn't make it seem overly weird to him. It felt awkward in some ways, but it didn't feel wrong. He hadn't intended on coming without Valerie. He hadn't intended on coming today despite the fact that he had been wanting to. He kept putting it off; he wasn't sure why, maybe it was fear or guilt...or both but then the night before, he had a dream about his mother. Frankie didn't pay much heed to dreams but this one had seemed so real and he could still see it clearly in his mind. Naomi McKenzie had eyed him with her patented mom glare, her Chanel perfume filling the air along with the rustle of her favorite housedress.

"Go see your sister," she had demanded and he recalled asking, "Which one?"

"Johanna," his mother replied. "Go see Johanna, she needs you."

He couldn't imagine why Johanna would need him but that dream had been so real and serious that it had nagged at him all morning until he made up his mind to go.

"I'm glad you came," Johanna said as she sat his mug of coffee down in front of him and then retreated to the counter where she hoisted herself up to sit, figuring that they might need a little space between them as they made their way through this first visit. "I've been wanting to see you...I just didn't want anyone following me to your door."

"I should've come sooner," he remarked. "I..."

"It's okay, it takes time," she answered; letting him know that she understood.

"We don't need to discuss that any more than we already have. I'm not mad at you, Jo. I get it and I'm glad you're safe and breathing. I just didn't expect you to have a gun in your hand the first time I saw you."

She laughed. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay," he chuckled. "I'll give you ten dollars and drive you to Colleen's if you'll pull it on her. I can just imagine her eyes bugging out."

"It's tempting," she grinned; "But I think I'll pass."

"Have you heard from her?"

"No; just what she said to Katie."

He shook his head. "Well don't worry about the little bitch. Everything always has to be about her. She was pissed off that Katie told me before her. I bet Katie wasn't even off her street yet when she was ringing my phone."

"I'd ask what was said but I probably don't want to know."

"I'm not going to tell you," Frankie stated. "You don't need to hear it. I don't even want to tell you this but I figure you should probably know. One of those media outlets called me the other night."

Johanna frowned, her teeth sinking into her bottom lip. "I'm sorry, Frankie. I didn't think they'd come after you."

"It's okay," he replied; giving her a reassuring smile. "It's not your fault. I didn't tell them anything, Johanna; other than to mind their own damn business. McKenzies don't air their dirty laundry in public and I swear to you that I didn't give them anything. I know sometimes they lie and say they got a statement when they didn't, so I just want you to know that."

"I believe you," she replied; "But I am sorry that it's trickled down to you. I hope they don't call Colleen. God only knows what she'd say."

"Don't worry, I'll have a talk with her," her brother promised.

Silence fell between them once again as Johanna tried to push away the knowledge of this new information regarding the media. Finally she shook off the thought, pushing it aside to mull over later. She had to keep him talking because she didn't want him to think that she didn't want him there, and because she didn't want him to leave.

She picked a safe topic to start out the next segment of their conversation, and as she asked, "So, how are the kids?" she hoped that things would relax and flow naturally from there.

* * *

After an hour of small talk about Frankie's kids and his grandchild, and a few mentions of Kate along with some general catching up since their last phone call, Johanna felt like things had relaxed. She slid down from the counter and put some cookies on a plate and carried it to the table and then poured him another cup of coffee before sitting down across from him.

"These taste like Mom's," Frankie stated around the bite of cookie he had taken.

"It's her recipe," she replied. "Just about everything I make is something that Mom taught me."

"In that case, when are you making lasagna? Because I'll be over for dinner."

She laughed. "I don't know but when I do, I'll call and you and Valerie can come over."

"Make sure you do. It's been a long time since I've had Mom's lasagna. Valerie's just isn't the same."

"I promise."

They were quiet for a minute as they nibbled their cookies. "Do you remember when Mom used to push the cookie jar far back on the counter so we couldn't get to it?" Frankie asked; "And we'd wait until she was on the phone and then I'd boost you up to get the cookies?"

"Yeah I remember," she replied with a smile. "You dropped me that one time."

He laughed at the memory and then turned serious. "It wasn't all bad between us, was it, Jo?"

She shook her head slowly. "No…I think it just felt that way sometimes. There were times when it felt like you hated me when we were kids but we had good times too."

"I never really hated you…I might've said it a few times when we were kids but I didn't mean it. I think a lot of times I was just trying to be what Dad wanted me to be. I loved him and admired him but I could see his faults as I got older…but it was like it was too late in some ways. I know he treated you badly, that he was harsh with you and downright ignorant at times…and he taught me to be that way too I guess. There were times when we were kids when we'd start getting along okay for awhile and Dad would start on me, saying that I was babying you and stuff like that, so then I'd start being mean to you again. I guess I thought it was what I was supposed to do…I thought I wasn't supposed to like you and it got to be a habit…even though I did like you after I got used to you being around and knew that they couldn't give you back. You were way better than Colleen; I really wish they could've sent her back," he said with a short laugh before turning serious again. "Looking back, it seems like Dad didn't want us to be close so he did whatever he had to do to keep us from being that way."

"We just thought that was the way things were supposed to be, Frankie. We didn't know any better. Dad wanted to mold you in his image…and liking your sisters, especially me, would've gotten in the way with that."

"I know…but I want you to know that I never hated you. There might've been times when I didn't like you too much and I'm sure that's mutual, but I never hated you. If I had, I wouldn't have trusted you with my kids the way I did. I wouldn't have named you their guardian if something happened to me and Valerie. I didn't want Dad raising my kids and making them turn out like us…you were the only one who seemed right for the job. I guess I always hoped that held some weight in knowing that I didn't hate you."

"It did," Johanna replied; "And while I'm glad it never came to that, I was surprised but touched that you chose me; especially considering that I wasn't married yet when you set things up for Greg."

"I wasn't concerned about you being single. I knew you could raise Greg on your own if it came to that. I did worry though that Dad might fight you for custody and win on the grounds of you being single though…that's why I quit speeding until you got married."

"You did not," Johanna laughed.

"Yes I did!" Frankie grinned. "Then when you and Jim got married and we had to redo the paper to include Claire, I was relieved. I knew Dad wouldn't have a case with Jim in the picture with you, so then I started speeding again."

She shook her head at him but a smile spread across her lips. "You taught me how to drive…of course there have been a few comments about that not being a good thing."

"Why?"

"Because I have a tendency to speed when the mood strikes."

Frankie shrugged. "Well if you're going somewhere, you may as well get there as fast as you can and get it over with. I had to teach you, you were almost eighteen and apparently Dad wasn't going to do it. I just can't believe you ran into those trash cans. I told you to hit the brakes."

"That wasn't my fault! You were yelling at me and I got nervous and hit the gas instead."

"So how is that not your fault?"

"Because you were the one yelling! If you hadn't been yelling, I wouldn't have gotten nervous."

"I had to yell at you so you'd know what you were doing wrong! That's how Dad taught me."

"I was surprised you came back the next weekend for another lesson," she remarked.

"Yeah, so was I; but we got through it."

"Remember when we were in high school and Mom and Dad took Colleen out of town to visit Uncle Colin and his family? You threw that big party," Johanna recalled.

"Yeah and you blackmailed me into letting you and a few of your fellow fourteen year old posse join in."

"Hey, you did set rules for my attendance," she laughed. "I wasn't allowed to drink and I wasn't allowed to go upstairs with anyone. I had to be downstairs at all times. That was my first high school party."

Frankie nodded as he smiled. "It was a great party, that's for sure."

"Until the next morning when Mom called to say that they were coming home early because Colleen was sick. The house was trashed and you were hung over…and I was positive that you were going to be put in the military and I was going to be sent to the convent."

Her brother laughed. "Damn that Colleen; even when she wasn't home she was being a pain in the ass. I'll never forget waking up to you jerking me up out of my bed by my shirt collar and screaming "They're on the way home! They're going to kill us, what are we going to do!"

"Yeah, and I'll never forget you falling down the steps in your hurry to help me get the place cleaned up. We had three hours and it didn't seem like nearly enough."

"But we did it…and thank God for Grandpa; he let me take his beer to replace Dad's. I still remember him looking at me and saying "I know what you did, boy. I saw all of those cars in front of the house. I just hope you looked after your sister."

"Oh you did; you scared away every guy that dared look at me for longer than two minutes."

"It was for your own good," he replied. "We almost got away with it…they didn't suspect a thing. They bought that I had the flu and that you looked tired because were up all night looking after me. We thought we had it made…and then that goddamn nosy bitch across the street had to come tell Dad about all the cars and the kids and how she saw us shoving trash bags into the trunk of my car that morning."

Johanna shook her head. "When Dad came in the house and started screaming for us, I knew it was over…I felt my stomach drop…but you took the fall for me on that one and I never knew why."

"Because I didn't want him to hit you," Frankie stated. "I was seventeen and too old for the belt…but I knew he wouldn't have any qualms about taking it to you and by then, I just couldn't stand watching him do that to you anymore. I know it isn't like it was all the time; it was usually only as a last resort or when he was really fed up with us…but he always hit you harder and I couldn't stand it. I knew if I told them that you had threatened to call and tell on me and that I had told you I'd knock your teeth out if you did, that they'd believe it; especially Mom. So I saved your ass and made you write my book report as payment for the favor," he laughed.

"It was worth it," she replied.

He was quiet for a moment; his hands sliding around his mug of coffee as he stared down at the contents. "I guess I wasn't all that great of a brother to you."

"You were the best brother you knew how to be," Johanna replied.

Frankie shook his head. "Not really…I always knew I could be better."

"Maybe I could've been a better sister."

"I don't know what more you could've done, Jo. Seems to me that you always did everything you could to be the best sister and aunt that you could be."

"We could just chalk it up to us being a product of our raising," she replied. "You were being molded in Dad's image, I was being molded into Mom's…and somewhere along the way, we ended up with a little bit of both of them in us and a healthy dose of being ourselves the way God intended us to be."

"I can live with that," he replied after pondering it for a moment.

"You don't have much choice."

"That's true," he laughed. "Do you ever feel like we're a very screwed up family?"

Johanna laughed. "Only every day of my life."

* * *

As they conducted their investigation into the murder of local weather girl Mandy Michaels at a TV station, Kate kept a balance between keeping her mind focused on the job at hand and holding her breath as she and Castle made the rounds of WHNY's staff. So far, so good, she thought to herself. They had managed to speak to reporters, the station manager and makeup ladies all without incident or mention of her recent headlines. She had relaxed a little with each interview that had remained on track and had even managed an eye roll over Castle's obsession with rival weathergirl Rebecca Fog's name. Her writer was currently pretending to be Superman as he played in front of the green screen while she listened to Esposito report his and Ryan's latest findings over the phone. She smiled as she watched Castle, thinking about how funny it was that something she would've once found annoying and childish was now somewhat endearing. Her mother must've been right after all years ago when she had first told her that love had a way of changing your opinions, thoughts and actions. Another 'I told you so' score for Johanna Beckett, she said to herself. The woman had to be a record holder in that department.

As Beckett gave the standard responses and assigned more avenues of investigation to Esposito as she remained on the phone, she took notice of a woman approaching Castle. His head snapped up as the woman called out his name and a smile touched his lips. Clearly they knew each other Kate thought, a twinge of suspicion fluttering in her stomach. She wasn't all that certain why it bothered her; perhaps it was because their relationship was still new. Maybe it was because she caught sight of the predatory gleam in the other woman's eyes as she kissed him on both cheeks and then mentioned the last time she had interviewed him on the red carpet. "I have to go, Espo," she said into the phone. "I'll talk to you later."

She disconnected the call and shoved the phone into her pocket as she approached the reunion taking place mere steps away. Castle made the introductions and Kristina Coterra looked her up and down with an assessing gaze before offering her a smile.

"Detective Beckett, I've had a cancellation for my show tonight. I'd love to interview you."

"I'm afraid I can't discuss Mandy's case; it's an active investigation," Kate answered while silently adding that even if she could discuss it publicly she wouldn't.

"Oh I don't want to discuss Mandy's case," Kristina answered. "I thought we could discuss your arrest of Senator Bracken and of course your mother and her involvement."

"Absolutely not," she stated firmly, her fear becoming a reality.

"I'm willing to work with you and only ask the questions that you're comfortable answering."

"No."

"Why not? This is a great opportunity for you to share your story."

"I'm not interested in sharing my story," Kate replied. "Thanks anyway."

"Are you sure I can't change your mind?"

"Positive."

The reporter narrowed her eyes at her a bit but turned her attention to Castle. "How about you, Ricky? You did promise me you'd do my show."

"That's right, I did promise you," he answered; hoping that he was taking the heat off of Kate.

"So how about it? You can be my guest tonight and we'll talk about the new book...and whatever else."

"Tonight," he repeated as he glanced at his watch. It was short notice and it meant that he'd probably miss out on some of the investigation.

"9 o'clock, I'm not taking no for an answer."

"Then I guess I won't say no," he quipped.

"Good," she practically cooed as she rubbed her hand along his arm. "I'll see you soon, Ricky."

"You certainly will," he replied with a grin. The reporter giggled in a way that nauseated Kate and then strutted away as she eyed her one last time. Beckett then stepped in front of Castle, regarding him with a raised brow that said so much more than a string of words.

"Don't mind her, she's just their entertainment reporter," he stated.

"Mhmm; isn't she the one who likes to do interviews in her bikini?"

"I...Uh...I don't really think I've noticed that...it's probably a special occasion thing and I'm not going to be a special occasion kind of interview. I'm just going to be a regular interview...promoting Frozen Heat like my publisher has been wanting me to do. No bikinis involved in that."

"There better not be," Kate replied.

"If there is, I swear I'll cover my eyes and crawl away."

"Wouldn't it be kind of hard to crawl with your hands over your eyes?"

He considered that for a moment; "Okay, I'll close my eyes and crawl away."

"Make sure that you do."

"Cross my heart."

Kate was quiet for a moment as they walked through the studio en route to the exit. "So just how well do you know Kristina?"

Castle glanced at her. "If you're asking if I've dated her or had some type of fling with her, the answer is no. Contrary to popular belief, I haven't dated every woman in this city."

"I wasn't saying that you have...although you seem to like to imply that you've dated at least half of the female population."

"I won't deny that I exaggerate at times, but Kristina is not in my little black book."

"It's just that you two seemed friendly."

"She's interviewed me before; it's nothing more than that. I swear."

"I believe you, but I think she'd like to be the next addition to your little black book."

"Well I'm sorry to disappoint her," he stated as they paused on the sidewalk outside of the studio; "But my little black book is closed...it's not accepting new entries. It has the one that matters now."

Kate smiled and caught herself before she could lean in to steal a kiss. This was not the place to take a risk like that.

"Keep that thought in mind for later," Castle whispered; his eyes sparkling with amusement at the knowledge that she had almost slipped up in the area of public displays of affection.

She grinned. "Count on it."

"Are you going to come and watch my interview?"

Kate glanced at her watch. "I'll try but it'll depend on what's going on with this case."

"Understood," he replied. "Are we done here?"

"For now...but I have a feeling we'll be back and it won't just be for your interview."

Castle smiled; "That's showbiz."

"I was wondering how long it would take for you to make that remark," she commented as she rounded the car to the driver's side.

"I'm glad I didn't disappoint you."

She laughed lightly; "You rarely ever disappoint me, Castle."

* * *

"I have something for you," Frankie said awhile later.

Confusion flicked across Johanna's features; she couldn't understand why he would've brought her something. "What is it?"

"I have to get it from the car," he answered as he got up from the table.

Johanna followed him to the door where he paused and turned toward her. "Jo, I don't mean this the way it probably sounds...but if you were so afraid about who was on the other side of this door, why didn't you pull the curtain back on the window and look?"

She shifted on her feet, a light blush of embarrassment coloring her cheeks. "I'm used to having to open the door at Katie's to see whose there...and so I just grabbed the gun and cracked the door open. I guess I panicked," she admitted quietly.

"It's okay," her brother replied. "I should've called first. I guess I didn't think you'd be here alone and that you might be skittish about surprises."

"It's fine," she assured. "I need to get out of that behavior."

"It's not like it isn't justified, Jo. If I was you, I'd have that gun strapped to me 24/7."

Johanna gave him a small smile, a silent thank you for not using her fears as an opportunity to tease. "Is anyone out there?" she asked as he stepped out on the porch.

"I don't see anyone," he replied. "Why?"

"Because if no one is out there, I'll step out on the porch while you go to the car."

"Come on out," Frankie stated while doing his best to mask how much it bothered him to see her have such deep seated fears. "No one's going to bother you while I'm here."

Johanna stepped out onto the porch and wrapped her arms around herself as she watched her brother go to the trunk of his car. Her brow furrowed in puzzlement as she watched him lift what appeared to be a wooden box of some sorts from the trunk. It was medium sized and had a nice depth to it but her brother seemed to carry it with ease as he made his way back to her. "What is that?" she asked while holding the door open for him.

"Something you were supposed to get a long time ago," he answered; waiting for her to lock the door before heading to the kitchen, where he placed the box on the table.

Johanna moved into place beside him and glanced down at the box. The wood was aged; the hinges of the lid were black and in the center of the lid was carved initials; S.J.M. and then around it were the carvings of birds and hearts and stars. She reached out and ran her fingers across the carvings. Those were her grandmother's initials...the grandmother whose green eyes she had inherited along with a few other features...but it had been her eyes that her father hated the most...and yet she couldn't resent the woman she shared them with. She had always felt a strange sense of a bond with Sarah McKenzie, even though she hadn't known her. That, however, didn't explain this box. "Frankie, I don't understand."

He ran a hand through his dark hair, which was beginning to show signs of grey, his sister noticed. "This box belonged to our grandmother, Sarah; Dad's mother. Apparently you share a name with her."

"I know."

"You do?"

"Yeah; Katie found my letter from Dad in the envelope with hers and gave it to me. Apparently I share my eye color with her too, that's why Dad disliked me so much."

"I know," her brother replied; shifting his gaze away for a second.

"He told you?"

Frankie nodded. "Yeah, when he was sick and wanted me to take this box...I better start at the beginning, Jo."

"I'm listening."

He blew out a breath and paced a few steps. "Before Grandpa went into the hospital that last time, he gave this box to Dad and told him to give it to you after he died."

"Grandpa died in 1975!"

"I know...but you know how Dad was. He didn't want you to have it, so he hid it. He never even told Mom about it. Then when he got sick...he had me unearth it from its hiding place in the garage and told me to give it to you after he died."

Johanna released a heavy breath. "Dad's been gone since 1988, Frankie..."

"I know," he said once again; not meeting her gaze. "I was angry with you. I felt like you weren't mourning him and I guess I wanted to punish you...I guess I couldn't handle my own grief."

"But what about after we got over that bump in our relationship?"

He shrugged. "I figured it would just cause another blow up...and then when Mom passed...well, we didn't talk much after that because of the way things went down...and I'm sorry for that, Johanna. I'm so sorry...and then you were gone and I had all of these regrets where you were concerned. Maybe I can't change the way things used to be and make it better but I can be here for you now and I can give you what was always rightfully yours."

She swallowed hard and nodded; reaching out to lay her hand on top of his as he gripped the back of a kitchen chair. "What happened in the past is over...and I hold no grudges over it. I understand and I forgive you...and for whatever role I played in how things were between us before I had to leave; I'm sorry. You're my brother and I love you, I always have and I'm willing to wipe the slate clean and start over if you want to."

Frankie nodded. "I'd like that...and you know...I love you too."

She gave a soft laugh; her eyes sparkling with amusement as she looked at him. "That killed you a little bit, didn't it?"

He laughed as he rubbed a hand against his neck. "I don't like getting into that mushy stuff too much...and I'm not saying it to Colleen, so count yourself lucky."

"Oh I do," his sister replied; her gaze returning to the box. "What's in here?"

"I honestly don't really know; I never took the stuff out and looked at it. All I know is that it's our grandmother's stuff and that Grandpa made her this box as a wedding present. Oh and there's a letter from Dad in there for you and one from Grandpa...and something of Dad's you asked me for when I cleaned out his office but I never gave it to you."

"Well then, let's see what else is in here," she stated as she reached out and lifted the lid; the hinges squeaking as she did so. Her eyes landed on the framed photo of herself that was lying on top of the contents; it had been her father's favorite picture of her, taken on a beach vacation when she was eleven and it had always sat on his desk in his office. She picked it up and ran a hand over the frame, a lump forming in her throat that she quickly swallowed.

Johanna laid the picture aside, murmuring a quiet "thank you" to her brother. He gave a brief nod of acknowledgment and she returned her attention to the box. She took the two letters and laid them aside as well, she'd read them later. The contents in the box drew her attention in every direction and she wasn't sure what to reach for first but finally her fingers reached out and took hold of a dark red velvet jewelry box. She lifted the lid; revealing a gold chain that held a ruby pendent and also nestled inside was the matching ruby ring. Johanna's mind flashed back in time to the days following her grandfather's death when Jim had taken it upon himself to try and research the life of her grandmother. He had spoken to a priest who had known Sarah, and she recalled that he had told Jim that Sarah had always wore a ruby ring and necklace.

"I bet those are worth a pretty penny," Frankie commented.

"They could be," she replied; taking the ring from the box and slipping it onto the middle finger of her left hand.

"Perfect fit," he declared. "It was meant to be yours."

"It is beautiful," Johanna replied; watching the stone sparkle in the kitchen light before she put it back in its box.

"Aren't you going to wear it?"

"I might; but I'm going to put it away for now. I'll decide later." She lifted a white silk scarf from the box and unfolded it to see the pattern of tiny pink and lavender flowers that were scattered across it. There was a faint scent clinging to it...some kind of perfume, she'd guess. It seemed so familiar and yet she couldn't place it.

"Hey look at this," Frankie said as he picked up a small glass bottle that still held a bit of amber colored liquid. "Chanel No.5; I bet that's the original bottle from when it first came out."

"Wow," she stated as she carefully took the bottle from his hand. She carefully took off the cap and breathed in the scent. It was somewhat strong from aging and being unused, but it held the same notes of the scent that lingered on the scarf. "I know Mom wore Chanel, but it wasn't this one," Johanna stated; "Someone wore this though...I know this scent, who was it?"

Frankie sniffed the perfume and then thought for a minute. "Aunt Bridget," he stated. "Aunt Bridget always smells like that."

His sister smiled; that was it; that was where she remembered it from. She carefully recapped the bottle and put it aside and reached into the box again. This time she came up with a small pink beaded evening bag. Johanna smiled as she studied it; opening the clasp and peering inside at the silk lining. A compact was still inside, and what appeared to be an invitation to some event. Two photo albums came next and she couldn't wait to settle down with them and study them thoroughly.

"I wonder if there are any pictures of Dad in those?" her brother said as he reached for an album.

"Sit down and look at them if you want, Frankie; I just want to see what else I have here."

He did as she directed and her hands dove back into the box; pulling out three small, thick books. Johanna flipped open the cover of one of them and read the words "The diary of Sarah Johanna Riley McKenzie." Her heart thudded against her ribs as she looked at the elegant script; she was finally going to be able to know her grandmother in some way. Excitement fluttered inside her; she couldn't wait to settle down with the earliest volume that evening and dive into the world her grandmother had lived in and wrote about. Perhaps it was just the distraction she had been needing…maybe that's why it had taken the box so long to find her. It had been waiting for a moment when she needed it most.

* * *

"Are you going to read your letters?" Frankie asked with a nod at the envelopes she had laid aside several minutes before.

"I guess I should," she replied as she reached for them. "Who should I start with?"

Her brother shrugged. "Your choice."

Johanna hesitated as she looked at the envelope that bore her father's handwriting. She wasn't quite ready yet…just like she hadn't been ready for the last letter she had been confronted with from him. The envelope bearing the handwriting of her grandfather seemed more appealing at the moment and she slid a fingernail beneath the flap and opened it and then extracted the letter.

 _June, 1975_

 _My dearest Josie,_

 _I mistook you for your grandmother again today. That seems to be happening more and more often. You never seem to mind, although I can tell that it worries you. I think you sense what's coming, just as your Aunt Bridget does. That's why she's stayed on here with me instead of going home after your sister's wedding. I too sense what's coming and know that I will soon be reunited with my Sarah._

 _Every time I mistakenly call you by her name, I see the questions in your eyes. Sometimes you're brave enough to voice them; other times I can see you swallowing back the words forming on your tongue. I figure that's because you're well aware of the fact that speaking of her upsets me sometimes and you're never quite sure which way my temperament is going to go. You see, there's still a part of me that's mad at her for leaving me. I know it wasn't her choice or her fault...but when you love someone deeply, that wound never completely heals._

 _The older you get, Josie, the more you look like her. You have her dark hair and her beautiful green eyes, her cheek bones and the curve of her face. You have her laugh and some of her mannerisms...you pronounce certain words the way she did. You have your grandmother's vivacity; her penchant for finding joy in anything. You have her loyalty and capacity for love, understanding and forgiveness. You're like her in so many ways and sometimes that's a great comfort and sometimes it's hard to bear...and being the smart girl that you are, I'm sure you're figuring out that that's why I've been short tempered with you at times...and even why I've sometimes kept you at arms length. Make no mistake though, I love you dearly. I always have...and at this point in life, I think it's safe for me to confess that you've always been my favored granddaughter._

 _Sarah's loss was painful and so is her memory which is why she's been spoken of so sparingly, especially to you. Your father hates to be reminded of his mother, which is why there's so much trouble between the two of you. He won't ever tell you that's the reason why; he doesn't want you asking questions. That's been his big concern all along. That's why you don't know that you were named for your grandmother. You've always been inquisitive, always eager to learn everything you can about any given topic and that's something your father doesn't want to deal with. He doesn't want to fulfill your need of knowledge about her...and neither did I a long time ago but now I regret that course of action. I wish I had taught you about her and told you everything I could about her so that you could grow to love her and be proud of being her granddaughter. I fear it's too late now to embark on the endeavor of telling you her story. I can, however, leave you something that will make it easier for you to know about her. I made her a wooden box as a wedding gift; she called it her treasure box and I packed some of her belongings into it; including her diaries. You can get to know your grandmother through her own words and by touching some of the things that she loved and treasured for one reason or another. I just hope that I can trust your father to give it to you after I'm gone. He's up in the attic getting it right now. I made him swear on his business and his mother's grave that you'd get that box, Lass. I just hope that swearing on his business will make him keep his promise._

 _Sarah would've loved you...no let me rephrase that, she does love you. I know that for a fact. You'll probably think I'm crazy, Josie; I know my son certainly does when I tell him that I dream of my wife and that we talk about things like our children and grandchildren...but perhaps you'll believe that my Sarah comes to me and you won't condemn me as an old man who's losing his sense of reason. I asked her what she thought of you, Josie...you should've seen her smile as she confessed that she loves all of her grandchildren but that she has a special fondness for you. She told me that she looks after you almost as much as she looks after me. She's so proud to have a granddaughter like you and so am I._

Johanna paused in her reading and took a moment to compose herself as her emotions were about to get the better of her but after a moment she allowed her gaze to be drawn back his words only to find that this next section of his missive could've very well have applied to life in the present day.

 _I know things have been hard for you, Johanna; not only this year but always in one way or another. To make it worse, the cause for the hardship almost always seems to be something out of your control. I see the weight you carry at times, especially these last few months. I know you feel alone sometimes, but you aren't, Lass. You're never alone, because your grandmother is always there with you when you need her, and watching over you even when things are going your way. Don't doubt that; she told me so and she wouldn't lie. That invisible hand you feel brushing against your back; like you felt the other day when you were visiting, that's her. Never forget that you have the heart of a fighter. You're a McKenzie, and a McKenzie can't be kept down for long. You're strong and beautiful in every way possible. You're intelligent and capable...you're a survivor in the madness of life. The road may be rocky at times, Josie; but you'll always find your way. Just keep your faith and spirit alive and remember that you are loved._

 _Love, Grandpa_

 _Patrick C. McKenzie_

Her eyes blurred with tears and she breathed deeply as she fought to keep them from falling. Those words felt like a soothing balm to her raw, wounded heart.

"There was a time when I might've thought Grandpa was a little crazy for what he wrote...but not anymore," Frankie stated. "I think there must be someone watching over you...that's why you're here now. Maybe it is our grandmother like he said."

Johanna nodded and swallowed hard. "It's a comforting thought...and there were times when I felt like someone was with me, even before all of this happened."

"Well now you know whose there with you...although I'm sure Mom's always hovering around somewhere too."

"Most definitely," she agreed.

"He's right about something else too," her brother said as he caught her eye.

"What's that?"

"You're a McKenzie...and you can't keep a McKenzie down for long."

"I've been down for a long time, Frankie."

"I know," he said with a nod; "But you're going to be coming back up again soon."

"I hope so."

"You will," he assured. "We'll get you there. I promise."

Johanna gave him a wobbly smile; a little piece of something breaking free in her chest, making it bit easier to breathe…and hope.

After they had looked through the photo albums that had been in Sarah's box, Frankie glanced at his watch and rose from the table. "I better get going," he stated.

Johanna rose from her seat as well, her hand falling against the back of the chair as she caught his gaze. "You'll come back?" she asked; her tone soft and slightly unsure despite their agreement to wipe the slate clean.

Her brother nodded. "Of course I'm going to come back. I'll bring Valerie with me next time; she's going to hit the roof when she finds out that I came without her this time. Maybe we can bring Ally with us so that you can see her. You can always come and visit us too, Jo. I know you worry about being followed but don't be; because I'm not. I guarantee you if someone follows you to my house; they won't be following you back home when I'm done with them."

Her lips curved upwards in a hint of a smile. "Oh I have no doubt that you could put the fear of God into them."

"Damn straight; I'm a McKenzie; we all have bad tempers and we're not afraid to use them."

"That's true enough," she said with a laugh.

Frankie shifted on his feet for a moment, a touch of awkwardness setting in once again as he contemplated giving in to the urge to hug her. He couldn't remember the last time he had hugged his sister; he hadn't done it when their mother passed, and if there had ever been a time for the gesture, that would've been it...but he hadn't done it. The last time was probably over twenty years ago and had most likely been at Naomi McKenzie's demand. They were probably long overdue and he figured that his mother would want it…and he kind of needed it anyway. He cautiously reached for her and pulled her into a tight embrace.

Johanna closed her eyes as she wrapped her arms around her brother. It felt like a different kind of coming home. This was the feel of the home she had been born into; where security had meant knowing that her parents were just downstairs in their room and that despite everything, her father wouldn't let any harm come to her. It had been the knowledge that Frankie was just across the hallway from her; that Colleen was breathing softly on the other side of the room. She swallowed hard but the sob broke free anyway.

"Don't cry," Frankie all but whined. "Why do you women always have to cry?"

"I'm sorry," she half laughed and half cried as she pressed her cheek against his shoulder.

"It's alright," he replied, patting her back like she was still a little girl. "Go ahead; you've probably earned the right to cry if you want to."

"I've done a lot of it."

"Well apparently you're not finished yet," Frankie remarked. "I remember a time when you used to do your crying while hiding under the kitchen table."

"Sometimes I still feel like hiding under the kitchen table."

"I don't blame you." He remembered one occasion when he had hidden under the table with her. He had been eight and she was five and their mother was teaching piano lessons in the church basement that evening, leaving them home with their father. Frank had been in a bad mood that night and he had already put three year old Colleen to bed, hours before her bedtime and had let her cry herself to sleep. Frankie could admit that he and Johanna had been boisterous that night; it was one of those occasions when they were playing together happily; running, yelling and shooting at each other with their toy guns. Their father had already come out of his office three times to yell at them...and then disaster had struck and they knocked into the stand and sent the lamp crashing to the floor. They both had felt the crack of their father's hand across their backsides that night. He still remembered Johanna running off to hide beneath the table after their father had gotten through with her, her sobs echoing through the house. He had hidden behind the armchair in the living room until their father had retreated back to his office and then he had ran into the kitchen and dove beneath the table cloth to join his little sister. He still remembered putting his arm around her and tucking her into his side. They had stayed that way for hours; their father peeking under the table cloth once and accusing him of babying his sister.

Frankie hugged her a little tighter. Maybe he should've babied her more, maybe if he had, she would've come to him when she had been in trouble and he could've helped her get out of it. There was no point in driving down that road though, what was done was done and he couldn't change it. He'd be here to help look after her now though. He gave her one last pat on her back and then released her.

"Are you going to be okay here until Jim gets home?" Frankie asked.

"I'll be fine," she assured as she swiped at her cheeks. "I'm fine inside...it's outside that causes me some concern."

"Give it time; you'll be okay."

Johanna nodded. "I'm glad you came."

"Me too...and I'll be back soon with Valerie."

"I'm holding you to that," she replied with a smile, following him as he moved to leave the kitchen.

After saying their goodbyes and looking the door behind him, Johanna returned to the kitchen where Sarah's box was still on the table. She rooted through the contents of the box for a few more minutes, coming up with a gold locket that was missing its chain. She pried it open and found a curl of hair that was the same color as hers. Her fingers hesitated for a moment and then they gently touched the lock of hair that she was sure had been her grandmother's at some point in her life. She took a moment to study it and then she carefully closed the locket and tucked it back inside the box before retaking the seat she had abandoned when she followed her brother to the door. Her eyes caught sight of the envelope that bore her father's handwriting and she reached for it, holding it for a moment as she contemplated opening it. The last time she had been in this situation, she hadn't been able to bear the thought of reading his words herself. The task of reading them to her had fallen to Rick. She was stronger now though, Johanna thought to herself. There wasn't as much fear in regard to the words she might find. She took a breath and then flipped the envelope over, sliding a red fingernail beneath the flap and breaking the seal. She then extracted the letter and unfolded it.

 _February 1988_

 _Johanna,_

 _If you're reading this then you already know what I've done. I know, I've committed far worse offenses against you than keeping this box from you, but that doesn't make it any less wrong. Your grandfather wanted you to have it and I promised him I'd give it you. I lied, even as I uttered the words to him, I knew I was lying. I've kept it from you for the past 13 years and I'm sorry. I'm sure by now that you've received my other letter and have read it and now know about your grandmother and my feelings in regards to her. I know you, Josie; and I know that even with that information, you're still going to wonder why I hid this box from you. I have to backtrack a bit, that year, 1975, wasn't an easy one for you but you and I seemed to do a little better in the beginning. Your mother was the one driving you crazy, as was Colleen with all of her wedding hoopla. We seemed to have a truce...and it was nice but you got too close. I was comfortable having a wall between us, but during those months, you scaled it to the very top, Josie...you almost made it over._

 _I was relieved when your frustration with your mother led you to stay away for several weeks after Colleen married that May. It made it easier to put that distance I liked back between us; then that summer, your grandfather's health declined rapidly and you came back into the fold. His mind was fading as he deteriorated, he kept calling you Sarah and you played along because the doctor told you to. It infuriated me. You were already too much like her and there you were trying to fill her shoes. I don't have to tell you how bad things got between us after your grandfather passed; you're well aware of what went down. You did make the statement that you'd never be able to forget the things I said to you during that time. I've never been able to forget them either, nor the look in your eyes when I said them. I lived on anger for a long time and convinced myself that I didn't care about the fragility of a young woman's heart. I told myself that you should've been tougher. I guess I didn't realize just how tough you were. That was when things changed for good between us. You shut the door and bolted it; I didn't blame you._

 _You showed me just how much of me flows through your veins in the second half of that year; you became cool and bold and distant. Every time I pushed, you shoved. Every blow I struck, you struck back with two of your own. You were every inch a McKenzie; showing me the fighter that I always knew my little girl was. Your mother always says you have enough fire in you to blaze for days on end. She's right, when that temper of yours sparks, it blazes until it burns itself out...and it's a beautiful sight that makes me proud when it's not directed at me. Don't get me wrong, I've earned your ire, there's no disputing that...but that was when you finally stopped trying so hard when it came to me. I don't blame you for hanging on to that hurt and anger; it leaves scars, just as you said. You settled down some after you married Jim; he gave you confidence and the kind of love you need and I think it released it something inside of you, or healed something, whatever the case may be, and on occasion you crack the door open a little and test the waters, if things are calm you let me in; if they're not, you just shut it and go on as you were._

 _I know; we make an effort for Katie's sake. It seems to be an unspoken agreement between us that we keep our issues with each other from her as much as we can. She doesn't need to see or hear those things and I'm grateful that you've never tried to taint her opinion of me; that you let me love and enjoy her as much as I do. I'm just sorry that I never gave you the love and affection that I so easily give my granddaughter. I've gotten off topic, forgive me for that, but the simple truth is this; at first I kept your grandmother's box from you because I didn't want you to have it. I didn't want to answer your questions; and then later on, I was angry with you and wanted to hurt you...and once that started, I couldn't stop and I couldn't give you what was yours...I still can't, which is why the task is falling to your brother. I'm sorry, Josie; please forgive me._

 _Love, Dad_

Johanna sighed as she finished reading the letter and she closed her eyes for a moment as she absorbed the words she had read. She had figured the reason had been about hurting her and despite the fact that she'd like to be angry about it, she found that she couldn't be. They had hurt each other along the way; they'd both been stubborn about hanging on to their hurts and grievances. She scrubbed a hand over her face and then laid the letter aside. "I forgive you, Dad," she murmured quietly.

There was the ache of old hurt in her heart but it was bearable as she glanced at her watch and then rose from her chair. She repacked the box, tucking the letters inside. She'd go through it again later but for now she had to get a start on dinner, Jim would be home soon.

* * *

Later that evening, Castle had finally been dismissed from the makeup chair and was headed toward the station's greenroom when he saw Beckett heading towards him. "Hey, you made it back," he said happily as he quickened his pace to meet her halfway.

"I told you I'd try to get back in time," she reminded him with a smile as he led her to the greenroom where he was to wait.

"Any new developments?"

"I talked to the helicopter pilot that Mandy had hired," Beckett replied and then filled him in on the conversation she had with the man. She then brought him up to speed on everything that had been learned since they had parted company earlier in the evening.

"So what exactly was Mandy onto?" Castle asked as he cracked the seal on a bottle of water.

"I'm not sure yet. We're still running down leads."

"Thank you for honoring my request not to solve the case without me," he commented lightly; tipping his water bottle to her in a toast.

Kate smirked. "Yeah, I held back on doing that just for you, Castle."

"Or maybe it's just because you can't do it without me," he teased.

She laughed. 'Save the flattery of yourself for when you're on camera. This is me you're talking to."

"Shall I dazzle the viewers at home with tales of exploits in the line of duty?"

"I don't think Gates would like that."

"She's free to turn the channel," he remarked.

"Just sell the book, Rick."

"Yes, dear."

The detective gave a soft laugh. "I thought it was cupcake?"

A grin spread across Castle's face. "You said I couldn't use that name in public...or in front of family...or friends...and definitely not in front of suspects, criminals, enemies and mere acquaintances. Which basically means that I can only call you by that certain name if we're alone in the car or locked in a closet...which I'm willing to try, just in case you're wondering."

"I wasn't, but it's nice to have that information just the same. I thought you'd enjoy the challenge of finding times when you could use that certain endearment."

His eyes lit up with mischief. "Challenge accepted. Do I get a good luck kiss" he whispered.

"I don't know," Kate murmured; her gaze darting around the room. "Do you think they have any cameras in here?"

"Nope, I've thoroughly searched it on the off chance that you might make it back here."

"Planning ahead?"

"I always try to be one step ahead of you, Detective."

"Are you saying that you try to be above the law?" Kate asked suggestively.

His eyes gleamed in amusement. "Whenever possible...you see being above the law is an incredible, exhilarating experience. You should try it sometime."

"I don't really think you want me to do that," she laughed.

"Well no, not in the way you're implying...but if you were to give me a badge and make me the law...well then..."

She pretended to ponder the thought for a moment. "I don't know if giving you a badge would be wise; you might abuse your power."

"Like you don't?" he scoffed.

"I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about."

"Is that the story you're sticking to?" he asked.

"Yes it is and if you have evidence to the contrary, I don't want to hear it."

"Hmm, sounds like guilt," Castle stated with a laugh.

"Think what you want," Kate replied with a knowing smile.

"So how about that kiss?" he asked; bumping her shoulder with his.

It was against her better judgment but she couldn't resist the temptation. "Okay but just one and make it quick."

"Some men would find your bossiness a turn off, but for me it only stokes the fire," he commented.

Kate smothered a smile into a smirk. "Shut up and kiss me, Castle."

"Gladly," he replied before capturing her lips in a soft kiss that was over long before either of them was ready.

"Was that quick enough?" he questioned; his voice close to her ear.

She nodded. "I'm hoping we can improve upon it later and make it into one of those extended variety types."

"Cupcake, you read my mind," he murmured.

Kate laughed quietly. "You just couldn't resist, could you?"

"Of course not, you issued a challenge and now I must conquer it."

"I've created a monster, haven't I?"

"That remains to be seen," Castle said dramatically.

She shook her head at him, her smile fading a bit as she drifted away from him. "Hey," he said as he watched her move across the room. "Is something wrong?"

"No; I'm fine."

"Kate," he said knowingly. "What is it?"

She shrugged. "Just…I don't know…I know she's going to ask about more than just the book. She's probably going to ask about everything that's going on with me and Mom since she didn't get to hook me as her guest tonight."

"You don't need to worry about that. I've already thought about it and I will shut those questions down as quickly as possible and make very general statements that don't say too much, okay?"

She offered him a small smile. "Yeah…but I wasn't doubting that you can handle it, I just hate that it's probably going to come up."

"It's fine," he assured. "Everything is under control."

She opened her mouth to make a reply but a knock sounded on the door and then an assistant poked her head in. "Mr. Castle; we're ready for you."

He gave the woman a smile and a nod. "I'll be right there."

The assistant closed the door and he turned his gaze back to Kate. "I'll see you after the show."

"Good luck," she replied, and then dropping her voice a notch she added; "And remember what you said about bikinis."

"Word of honor," he promised, giving her a wink before he headed for the door.

* * *

Johanna was settled on the sofa with the earliest volume of her grandmother's diary which began two years before her marriage to Patrick McKenzie. It didn't take long for her to become engrossed in the contents as she slowly got to know her grandmother but her husband kept her from losing herself in the words like she wanted to do.

"Did you catch the weather report?" he asked from his place in the chair.

"No, honey; I didn't. I'm sure it's in the newspaper though."

He reached for the folded paper lying on the stand and she thought that would occupy him for awhile as she continued her reading. It seemed to do the trick for all of ten minutes before he broke into her thoughts again. "Did you hear about that weathergirl from WHNY being killed?" he asked.

Johanna sighed. "No. I try to avoid the news like you tell me to do."

"I heard it on the radio when I was coming home," he commented.

"I wonder if it's Katie's case. She mentioned she was working one when she called to check in with me before you got home."

"It probably is. I think it's in her jurisdiction."

She allowed the comment to go unanswered and turned her attention back to the diary. She slowly became absorbed once more, allowing the lines Sarah had written to carry her to a different time and place.

"Did Frankie say when he'd back?" her husband asked.

She closed her eyes for a moment, quelling the urge to throw one of the couch pillows at him. "No; but he said he'd bring Valerie next time and he did mention that he'd like to come to dinner the next time I make lasagna."

"When do you think you'll be making that?" Jim asked; the idea of it sounding very appetizing to him.

"I don't know, some time soon I guess."

"It'll be nice for you to have people over for dinner," he commented.

"Uh huh."

Silence fell once again as he finally picked a channel and turned his attention to the sports headlines. She waited a few minutes before giving the diary her complete attention. Maybe he'd be settled now as he listened to the details about the upcoming World Series. She had a feeling that he either had something on his mind or that he had missed her while he was at work. She had missed him too...but she wanted to read while she enjoyed his presence in the room with her.

"I wish the World Series was being played in New York. I wouldn't mind going," Jim remarked.

Johanna sighed. "Jim, what's on your mind?"

He glanced toward her. "Nothing; why?"

"Because it seems like something is."

He shook his head. "I was just making conversation."

"You sure about that?"

"Yeah."

She was quiet for a moment as she regarded him. "Did you miss me today?" she asked.

"Of course I did; although I feel a little better knowing Frankie was here with you. I hate thinking of you being here by yourself."

"I'm okay here by myself when you're at work. I keep the doors locked, you don't have to worry."

"Jo, I don't recall a time when I haven't worried about you and I don't see that changing."

"Did you miss me more than usual today?"

"What kind of question is that?"

"The kind that gives me an idea about what's going on in your head."

"I missed you the same as I always do when we're apart," he replied. "I was happy to come home to you; does that pass your test?"

"It's not a test...it's an indicator and I sense a bit of attitude on that answer which means something's on your mind that you don't feel ready to talk about which is why you're indulging in chatty small talk."

"I was under the impression that you enjoyed it when we talked."

"I enjoy it very much," she replied. "I just know the difference between our normal talks and when you're talking just because you're trying to avoid the real topic that you want to discuss."

"That's not the case at all, I was just bored."

"Okay; I'll buy that until you're ready."

He sighed deeply as she dropped her gaze back to the page in front of her. Several minutes passed before his voice broke the quiet between them once again. "Jo?"

"You don't want me to read this, do you?" she asked.

He gave a short laugh. "I'm sorry, sweetheart."

"It's okay; you ready to tell me what's on your mind now?"

"You know that card game I go to?" Jim asked.

"The one with your friends?"

"Yeah."

"What about it?"

He rubbed a hand against the back of his neck; briefly turning his gaze back to the television as he hesitated for a moment. "We always trade off when it comes to whose house it's held at."

"And?"

"It's my turn."

"Oh...is there a problem with that?" she asked while silently thinking, a problem like her.

"No, not for me. Is it going to be a problem for you?"

Johanna shook her head. "No, this is your home; you have a right to do whatever you want."

"Our home," he corrected.

"You know what I meant," she retorted. "Who's coming? I assume Jeff of course."

"Yes, Jeff's coming and Craig, who you met recently...and Phil."

"Phil?" she repeated. "Sharon's Phil?"

Jim nodded. "Is there any other?"

She shrugged. "You might've picked up a new one along the way."

"No, I find that one Phil is plenty. My friend Kevin is coming too."

"I don't know that one, do I?"

"No, but there's nothing to worry about."

"Anyone else coming?"

"Zach," he replied.

"The Zach I'm thinking of?"

"Yes; are you going to be okay with this?"

"Of course," she replied; conjuring up a smile for him. "I'll stay upstairs so I'm not in the way."

His jaw tightened slightly. "You don't have to do that, Jo."

"You don't need me hovering in the background while you're with your friends. I don't mind spending an evening upstairs. When is this game taking place?"

"Tomorrow night."

"That's kind of short notice."

"I figured it was better that way," Jim replied.

"Why?"

"Because then you wouldn't have a lot of time to worry about it."

She eyed him, wondering if that had been meant as some kind of shot at her. He had seemed a little off at different points during the evening. "I see."

"You see what?" he asked. "It's never good when you use that phrase, Johanna."

His wife looked at him oddly. "It means that I understand why you waited to tell me. I'm sure you've known about it for awhile and was afraid to tell me for some reason."

"It's not that I'm afraid to tell you. I just know you have a habit of stewing over every thought of human contact outside of a small circle of people."

That one definitely felt like a shot, Johanna thought to herself as she closed her grandmother's diary. "I'm sorry, Jim. I'm trying to do better. I guess it's hard to break the habit of shying away from people. In Wyoming I always had to be careful of what I said or did so I just kept to myself for the most part. I didn't want people asking me questions that I couldn't answer...and now I don't want people asking me questions about things I don't want to talk about. I'm still...uncertain about whom I can trust; especially now with the media always hovering in the background, looking for every scrap they can get. I told you that they called my brother...so they're not above seeking out people to get dirt from. You know that they're going to investigate our lives, Jim. They're going to look for anyone who knew me then or now...and you know as well as I do that some people would sell out their own mother for the right price."

"I wouldn't bring someone around here that we couldn't trust, Johanna. Do you think I don't take those things into consideration?"

"I know you wouldn't bring someone around that you don't trust," she replied; trying to keep her tone neutral as she sensed that he was growing agitated. "I'm just trying to explain to you how I feel and why I hesitate so much. You said that I could still tell you anything..."

"You can."

"Sometimes...like moments like these, I feel like I can't because you get mad."

"I'm not mad!" he exclaimed. "I just get frustrated. I hate seeing you feel like you have to hide all the time; even in your own home. Like this business of staying upstairs tomorrow night. I don't want to be sitting down here feeling like you're locked away upstairs like some kind of relative that someone's ashamed of. This is your home and if you want to be in living room you should be in it. If you want to walk into the kitchen, you should, regardless of whose here. I hate that you worry all the time about what someone might say about you. You don't have anything to hide, do you? Something more than we already know?"

That one hurt and she gripped the aged binding of the book she was holding. She forced back the moisture that threatened to fill her eyes. "No," she said tartly; her throat constricting as she swallowed a lump. "But I know how things get twisted and blown out of proportion; that's why I worry about what people say about me...and I don't appreciate the accusation that I'm hiding something else from you that I'm afraid the media is going to uncover."

"I didn't mean it that way. I was just making a point."

"Oh I think a part of you meant it...you've made that accusation before."

"That was early on, Johanna."

I know, and I thought we were past that stage of thinking that I'm still keeping things from you."

"We are!"

"It doesn't feel like it right now."

"That's because you read into things too much."

Johanna blew out a breath. "Jim; what are we fighting about? Did I do something besides the obvious?"

"No; and we're not fighting. We're just discussing how we each feel."

"It feels like fighting to me."

"When I want to fight with you, I'll let you know," he said as he turned his gaze back to the television screen.

"It's kind of hard to put the bullet back into the gun after it's already been fired," she remarked.

"Jo; don't," he stated. "You're instigating...you want to keep it going and I'm not in the mood to play games with you."

"All I did was make a statement. I don't see how that's instigating. You're the one who started it."

"Well I'm ending it," Jim replied. "Do you want me to call off the game?"

"No!" she yelled. "I told you I'm fine with it. I want you to do what you always do. I want you to see your friends and have fun. All I did was offer to stay out of the way, as I would have years ago. I know what you were making a point of saying; you want me to be normal again...well so do I and I'm working on it. That's why I need my own car...then I can come and go as I please when you're not home and then I'll be forced to deal with people."

Jim's head snapped toward her and he pointed a finger in her direction. "We already discussed that and the answer is still no. I won't have you out running around this city by yourself, do you understand me? You can come and go as you please when I'm not here to take you. You can go with Katie or with Martha or Frankie and Valerie. You can go out with whoever you want; but you do not need to be going out by yourself. It isn't safe. You're not getting a car and that's all there is to it."

They'd just see about that, she thought to herself as she flipped open the diary and turned her attention back to the yellowed pages in front of her. She would be having a car of her own…he'd be mad…but he'd have to get over it. He'd never controlled her before and she'd be damned if he was going to start now.

* * *

The interview with Kristina had started off well, Castle thought to himself as he waited for the commercial break to end. The introductory small talk had gone off without a hitch and he'd told a few stories that garnered some laughs. It was all in a day's work; it was a routine he could perform in his sleep. He had no reason to suspect that any curve balls would be thrown at him as the break ended and he and Kristina indulged in more small talk. He was so unconcerned that while going through the motions of answering questions, he was also pondering the possibility of him and Kate making a stop at the Old Haunt for a drink before heading home. That was until Kristina posed her next topic of conversation.

"I think one thing on everyone's mind right now; given your involvement with Detective Beckett, is the stunning arrest of Senator William Bracken and the revelation that Detective Beckett's mother is alive and has been in witness protection for the past thirteen years. What can you tell us about all of that?"

Castle suppressed the urge to squirm despite telling Kate that he was prepared should it come up; because really he hadn't expected Kristina to go after the big story; that wasn't her style. Maybe he had underestimated her…and her ambition. It was quite possible that she was looking to make a bigger name for herself and was seizing the opportunity that his presence provided; and she had tried to get Kate for the interview at first.

"I think the details of that case are common knowledge at this point," he answered.

Backstage, Kate had stiffened as soon as her name had been mentioned but she forced herself to relax as she watched Castle on the screen. He could handle this; he was great at this sort of thing. It would be fine.

Kristina smiled. "Yes, that's true but given your closeness to the situation, I thought you might be able to offer a little more insight. You are the one who released the first photo of Kate and Johanna Beckett together."

"So?" he replied with a light shrug; forcing a look of mild amusement to his face.

"So with so many rumors swirling around; people want to know what really going on. Is Detective Beckett estranged from her mother?"

"No she isn't," he remarked; hoping that Kate would be okay with this. "They're fine, they talk every day."

The host smiled; clearly thinking that she was getting somewhere and that he was warming up to giving her the exclusive interview that the more serious, seasoned journalists would die for. It was going to be all hers and then they'd see how dismissive they were of her.

"And can you tell us about Johanna Beckett?"

Castle forced a smile to appear on his lips; why had convinced himself that this wouldn't happen? Why did he tell Kate that he was prepared when really he wasn't? Why hadn't alarm bells gone off that screamed 'Warning'? Oh well, there wasn't much he could do about it now. "Well I can tell you that she's a wife, mother and former attorney and that she has no desire to be a headline for newspapers, magazines and talk shows."

Kristina gave a light laugh and flirtatious look. "I think that all falls into the common knowledge department. Can't you tell us anything else about her?"

He sighed subtly; he wasn't getting out of this easily. "Johanna is a very kind, intelligent, witty, good hearted lady. She loves her family with every fiber of her being and it was never her intent to hurt them as some have implied. She's been hurt by all of this too; being separated from her loved ones wasn't something she enjoyed or wanted. She didn't ask for this and she didn't deserve it, none of them did. There's no estrangement between her and her daughter, or with her husband. I can assure everyone that her family is happy to have her back home and that they love her very much. The Becketts have been through a lot and they're putting their lives back together and I believe that the one thing Johanna wants most right now from the world at large is privacy so they can all heal and get a start on making up for lost time. They deserve respect and to keep their private business to themselves. I think everyone needs to back off of them and let them breathe. That's all I'm going to say on the matter. I'm here to talk about my book."

Kristina took the cue and changed the topic to Frozen Heat. That was okay though, she thought to herself; maybe she hadn't scored the big exclusive like she had hoped…but she could still snag the man and that was prize enough.

Kate breathed a sigh of relief as Kristina changed the topic of the conversation. Castle had done well at handling the mention of Bracken's arrest. He had answered the questions while remaining largely evasive and she appreciated that he had spoken well of her mother and had basically made a statement on their behalf. He had also quickly put a stop to things after doing so. A small part of her worried though that it might bring the media back out of their holes but she quickly made herself brush off the concern. Kate smiled as she watched Castle on the screen; his features animated and more relaxed now that he was telling some story.

On stage, Kristina laughed and eyed up her guest as he finished his story. "So, as a handsome, bestselling author, I'm sure you have women throwing themselves at you on a daily basis," she commented.

Castle grinned. "We all have a cross to bear."

"I'm sure you don't mind bearing it too much," the host replied with a smile.

"I make the best of it," he quipped.

"So is there anyone special in your life right now?"

"I have a lot of special people in my life," Castle replied. "I have my daughter and my mother; my friends at the 12th precinct..."

"You know what I mean," Kristina interrupted lightly. "Is there a special woman in your life right now?"

He chuckled as he hesitated; his stomach twisting into a knot as he thought of Kate watching backstage. "Um...no; actually, I'm single right now."

Kate stared at the screen so hard that she was sure her gaze would bore a hole through it. She knew he didn't have any choice but to answer that way given their situation...but still, it hurt...a lot. She also didn't like how Kristina was eyeing him up like he was the main course at an all you can eat buffet.

"I have to admit, I'm glad to hear that," Kristina remarked; "Because there's something I've been wanting to ask you...will you have dinner with me tomorrow night?"

Oh boy, Castle thought to himself; this wasn't good. This had gone from bad to worse. "I'm flattered," he managed to say before trailing off, at a loss for words.

"You're flattered but you must decline," Beckett was saying to monitor as she watched her writer shift in his seat.

"Come on, Castle," Kristina implored. "We only have a few seconds before we go to commercial."

"Um...I..."

"Castle; it isn't that hard to say no," Kate muttered; her fingers drumming against her leg.

"We're going to need an answer," the host stated.

He had really gotten himself into a jam this time, he thought to himself; but then a light bulb went off in his brain. Maybe this wasn't so bad after all. Maybe this was just the thing to keep his relationship with Kate under wraps.

"Castle," Kristina said; a seductive lilt in her voice.

"I'd love to," he answered.

"It's a date," she beamed. "We'll be right back with more from Richard Castle."

He deflated a bit in his chair, hoping that this wouldn't be his last interview...because it just might be if Kate didn't accept his reasoning.

Kate continued to stare at the screen in astonishment. Had that really just happened? He hadn't really done that...had he? She felt like she had been punched in the stomach. Hurt and anger erupted in her veins and for a moment she was tempted to draw her gun and put a bullet in the TV screen but she squashed the urge. That wouldn't solve anything and all it would get her was a lot of paperwork and reprimands and she already had enough problems. There was the urge to leave before he finished his segment but she couldn't. She had to face him when he was finished. She had to hear whatever grand excuse his mind was feverishly trying to compose. How could he? A simple denial that he was with someone was one thing; making a date with a bikini bimbo masquerading as a reporter was another thing entirely. The wrong thing...a wrong so wrong that she couldn't even think of another word to describe how wrong it was. What the hell had he been thinking?

Kate sucked in a breath and closed her eyes, counting to ten slowly as she tried to calm herself. Maybe he'd cancel it once the interview was over and the cameras were off...yes, that's what he'd do, she tried to convince herself; although she wasn't fully successful and the sting of hurt was still being felt keenly. She turned her back to the screen, not wanting to see another moment.

Several minutes later, heavy footsteps sounded outside the room she was in and then the door knob turned and Castle stepped inside. He quickly shut the door behind him and turned to face her, taking in the angry set of her jaw as she eyed him.

"Tell me you got out of it after the camera stopped rolling," she said evenly as she eyed him.

"No, I didn't but I can explain..."

"Explain what? The one good reason why I shouldn't shoot you here and now?"

"No, but since that's been put on the table, I'll just say that you shouldn't shoot me here because there are way too many witnesses and cameras for you to get away with it. Now about the date..."

"I can't believe you!" she exclaimed in a hushed voice. "How could you?"

"I have a good reason if you'll just listen."

She paced a few steps, raking a hand through her hair. "I can't be here another minute, let's go."

"But I want to explain."

"Do it in the car," she said sharply. "I'm done here."

"Kate, listen."

"I said in the car, Castle."

He laid his hand against the small of her back as she moved to the door but she stepped away from his touch. "Don't touch me right now."

He pulled his hand back in respect to her wishes. He had known she'd be mad...but he hadn't anticipated how mad. "Kate; I swear I didn't do this to hurt you," he murmured; placing his hand over the door knob to keep her from opening the door. "It's not the way it seems; I swear it isn't."

Tears stung her eyes but she quickly blinked them back before he could see them. "Let's just get out of here, okay?" she said; softening her tone.

He nodded; maybe it would be best to get away from the scene of the crime so to speak. "Where are we going?"

"Back to the precinct, I need to get a few things."

He dropped his hand from door handle and allowed her to open the door. So much for control, he mused. It was going to be a long car ride; that was for sure.

* * *

A half hour of silence passed between them and Jim was acutely aware of the soft sound of each page turning as she read. He wasn't quite sure how the conversation about the card game had spiraled out of control like that. He had only meant to inform her of it, not argue with her. He rubbed a hand against the tight muscles in the back of his neck; it had been a long day and not a good one. The case he was helping with had run into one snag after another and it had aggravated him all day long. It wasn't right to take it out on his wife though, she hadn't done anything. Johanna had been relatively happy when he had came home; greeting him with a kiss and the warmth of her arms as she had wrapped herself around him in an embrace. She had chattered happily about Frankie's visit and how they were making amends; she had shown him her grandmother's box and spoke of the items found inside.

Yes, his wife had been in good spirits when he had came home just hours before; but now the line of her jaw was tense despite the concentration upon the diary in her hands. There was only one thing to do, he decided as he rose from the chair; apologize and get it over with. Jim moved toward the sofa; placing his hand on the arm of it as he leaned down and kissed her forehead. "I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"For taking my bad mood out on you. Cases still have a tendency to be a pain in the ass sometimes...I guess the same can be said for husbands too."

"Your words, not mine."

"Words that aren't being disputed," he said with a laugh as he tipped her chin up, forcing her to look at him. "I didn't mean to start something with you. Let's not fight, okay?"

"We're not. I'm just trying to read."

"Jo," he breathed.

"Hmm?"

Jim rubbed his thumb against her chin as he continued to keep hold of her face. He wasn't sure what to say, he never was when it came to trying to keep things from getting bigger than they needed to be. When words deserted him, Plan B was always a good option so he captured her lips in a kiss. His mind was eased when she returned his kiss, allowing him to linger as his fingertips caressed her face. "I am trying to be better for you, Jim," Johanna said softly once their kiss had ended.

"I know you are. Don't pay any attention to what I said; none of it came out right. I know you can't undo thirteen years of damage in a month."

She looked stricken at the word 'damage' and he knew that he had made another mistake. "I didn't...I...I'm not doing any good at all tonight," Jim muttered as he sat down next to her on the sofa and squeezed the back of his neck again.

"It's okay...I think I've always been damaged in one way or another...until you found me and made me better…until I made that one big mistake and brought it all down on me."

"Johanna...don't."

"I should've never gone back to work," she murmured.

"What are you talking about?"

"When Katie was three and the firm was downsizing and I was on the list to go. Remember; I finished up my case load and quit before they could fire me because Mark and Cathy said they were starting their own firm and that I could go in with them. I had that whole summer off while they finished up their case loads and got things in order for the new firm. I should've just stayed home...you made more than enough to support me and Katie. I didn't need to work. We could've avoided all of this if I had just stayed home with my child."

Jim shook his head. "Sweetheart, I know you loved every minute of that summer that you spent at home with Katie...but I don't think you would've been happy being at home every day after so long. You like to be challenged; you liked what you did and you were great at it; one of the best in my opinion and I'm not saying that just because you're my wife. You went back to work because it was what you wanted to do. You missed it and you couldn't have possibly known back then that anything like this would happen; if you had, you wouldn't have gone back, we both know that."

"Pulgotti told me that I was the only one to respond to his letter... maybe I missed something. Maybe everyone else knew that nothing good could come of it and that's why they didn't reply and I was too stupid to see it."

"No," Jim replied. "They saw his name and knew what he was and the things he's been involved with and they threw his letters in the garbage because they figured he had gotten what he deserved whether he was guilty of the crime he was convicted of or not. But you're not like that, Johanna; you don't judge people like that. You see someone who's been wronged and you want to help them regardless of what they've done in the past. You have the innate ability to see good in someone whose been condemned by everyone else and I think when you met with him that you saw past the reputation and you knew he was innocent...and maybe you saw something good in him that no one else did and it made you want to help him. You thought it was just another case; you had no reason to believe otherwise...and this is just the way things were supposed to be. I guess it kind of plays into your immutable law of the universe, that life doesn't deliver anything that we can't handle. I'm not saying that we always handle it well, but we have handled it and your home now...so you need to let go of all of those what ifs because you can't change it and torturing yourself with ways you could've avoided it isn't going to help you heal."

Johanna nodded and swiped her fingertips under her eyes, brushing away a few stray tears that she hadn't been able to hold back. "You'll make me better again?" she asked with a small smile.

Her husband took her hand and returned her smile. "We'll make each other better again; just like always."

"That sounds good to me."

"I am sorry about earlier," Jim said once again.

"I know; let's just forget about it."

That sounded good to him but he doubted it would be that easily forgotten so soon, but he was willing to try. "What have you learned about your grandmother?"

She saw him wince as he moved his shoulder a bit and knew from past experience that his body was probably full of stress induced knots. "Let's go upstairs. You can lay down and I'll rub those knots out of your neck and shoulders while I tell you how she met my grandfather."

"While you're there, get my back too if you don't mind."

"Don't I always rub your back?" she asked as she got up from the sofa and extended her hand to him.

"Yeah but you might not include that service tonight as punishment."

"I'm not in a punishing kind of mood, honey."

"That's good to know."

* * *

"This brings back memories," Jim remarked as he looked over his shoulder at his wife as she straddled his hips in preparation of rubbing the knots out of his back and shoulders. "Do you remember the first time we did this?"

She smiled knowingly. "Of course, how could I forget? In fact I'm pretty sure it's seared into my brain. We really do need to go back to North Carolina and relive some moments."

A grin touched his lips. "It kind of feels like we're reliving it right now," he said as her soft hands began to move against his skin.

"I guess you could say that," she replied. "I know the outcome is going to be the same."

"Is that so?"

"Mhmm; I don't feel like improving upon your memories tonight."

"Understood, sweetheart," he murmured. He didn't really feel up to it either but he hoped that her admission wasn't a subtle hint that she really was a little angry with him despite the loving care she was giving to him.

"You hide your disappointment better than you used to all those years ago," she teased softly.

He smiled as shifted his pillow a little to make himself more comfortable. "You've trained me well."

"It wasn't easy."

"I'm sure it wasn't," Jim agreed, wincing a little as she hit a sensitive muscle.

"Sorry, honey," Johanna murmured, lightening her touch a little.

"Don't be; you're doing fine as always…you haven't lost your touch, sweetheart."

"I'm glad to hear that."

He breathed deeply, enjoying the feel of her warm hands and the softness of her voice. "You were going to tell me how your grandparents met."

"Well in this diary of Sarah's, she's sixteen, still in school and she and my grandfather actually lived on the same street but at opposite ends. He was twenty at the time; and they met at a party."

"She was sixteen and he was twenty," Jim repeated. "That's jailbait."

"Not back then," she said with a soft laugh. "Back then you could get married at fourteen."

"They would've had to beat me to death."

"Yes, I know; you took the long way around to commitment but I digress. Apparently in the winter of 1911 there was a big birthday bash for, shall we say, the queen of the neighborhood who was very wealthy and loved to flaunt it. So many people showed up that they ran short of ice cream and Sarah offered to share hers with my grandfather who she had just officially met two hours before."

"Scandalous," he chuckled quietly. "I bet ice cream sharing was frowned upon back in that day, I mean two unmarried spoons in the same bowl…it's a wonder they weren't hauled in front of a justice of the peace."

Johanna giggled. "There was mention of a few raised eyebrows but she didn't care, Sarah was smitten with him at first sight. After the party, he walked her home."

"Oh yeah, and then what? Are we getting to the juicy part?"

She gave him a soft swat against his arm. "Hey; that's my grandmother you're talking about; she wasn't that kind of girl to get into anything that would require juicy details on the first walk home."

"My apologies to you and Sarah," he quipped. "What happened?"

"According to Sarah he was a perfect gentleman; he kissed her hand and asked if he could see her again."

"Oh lord, it sounds like one of those romance books you like to read."

"Well those writers had to draw inspiration from somewhere. Dashing gentlemen couldn't just be a made up fantasy, there had to be some at some point in time."

"Hey; I'm a dashing gentleman."

"Of course you are, darling," Johanna said warmly, her hands trailing along his sides. "And you're all mine."

Jim smiled, his eyes closing. "Tell me more."

Johanna continued telling him about the things she had read and about the pictures she had discovered in the albums as time passed without notice. Jim remained on his stomach, his mind growing hazy as sleep fought to claim him, her soft, slender hands continuing to move rhythmically over the bare skin of his back. The knots and tension had been eased away with her touch and voice and he felt like maybe peace had been fully restored but he wanted to be sure before sleep pulled him under.

"Jo?" he asked sleepily.

"Hmm?"

"Are we okay?"

"Yes; why wouldn't we be?"

"Because of earlier?"

"We're fine," she murmured.

"You're sure?"

"Positive."

He wasn't entirely sure of that until confirmation came in the form of her lips skimming against his back and then his shoulder and finally his neck and cheek as she whispered "I love you." He murmured that he loved her too and allowed sleep to fully claim him now that he knew for sure that he had been forgiven and all was well once again.


	6. Chapter 6

_Authors Note: Thanks for your reviews. To those who've mentioned it, I deleted the original version of Redemption because those are the rules of the site; you can not have two copies of the same story. Yes I have made changes and cut things out and added new, but in essence, it is still the same story with a slightly longer title so the original had to be deleted. Also there was no reason to keep it when it wasn't going to be finished anyway, regardless of the rule. I mentioned in my note in chapter 1 that the early chapters wouldn't have a lot of changes, but they are there; just as chapter 7 is full of new material. So to my few guest reviewers, I say, relax, be patient, just enjoy; there are much bigger things in the world to be offended by than my plotline._

Chapter 6- Illegal

" _You don't even know the meaning of the words I'm sorry" –Shakira_

"Leave that alone," Johanna said the next morning as she smacked Jim's hand away from the small television that sat on the kitchen counter.

"I thought we gave up watching the news during breakfast," he replied as she shifted her attention back to the eggs she was frying. "It always makes you lose your appetite."

"Rick did some interview last night that they're going to talk about," she answered. "I want to see what it's about."

"In that case, I guess we can make an exception. Is there anything I can do to help you?"

"You can pour the coffee if you want. I'll take a small glass of orange juice with mine."

As Jim did what she asked, Johanna lifted the eggs from the skillet and put them onto their plates. She added a helping of shredded hash browns that had been keeping warm on the back burner and then she carried the plates to the table. Johanna moved back to the counter long enough to grab the plate of toast and then she took her seat. Her husband frowned as he sat down across from her and looked at his plate. "No bacon?"

"You had bacon yesterday."

"So?"

"So you can't eat bacon every day. It's not good for you."

"I had a check up last spring; the doctor said I'm in perfect working order."

"I'm glad to hear that," Johanna replied while she smeared jelly onto a piece of toast. "But you're still not eating bacon every day."

Jim frowned at her. "You're not going off on some crazy health kick, are you? I'm not going to wake up one morning and come downstairs and find a piece of celery on my plate for breakfast, am I?"

She gave him an indulgent smile. "No, honey. I swear I have no intentions of starving either one of us. You'll see bacon again in a few days. It won't hurt to cut back; especially with the price of it going up the way it is."

Jim glanced at her. "So what you're saying is, you'll pay fifty dollars for a pair of shoes you don't need but you won't pay five dollars for an extra pack of bacon to feed your husband? What do you call that?"

Johanna shrugged a shoulder; amusement gleaming in her eyes. "Priorities."

His eyes widened. "I thought I was your priority."

"You are, honey; that's why I can't let you eat bacon every day."

Jim sighed. "I don't think that's a good enough reason to restrict things."

"Okay, how about this; I'm the wife, this is my kitchen. I'm the chief cook and bottle washer and that means I make the rules here and I say when you get to eat bacon. How does that float your boat?"

A grin spread across his lips. "Well now that I know I'm the peasant here, why don't I just bow before you and kiss your ring?"

Johanna smiled. "I might find that incredibly sexy."

"I see you're not disputing the fact that I'm a peasant," he teased.

"Oh you know you're not. You're my King...you know that. No Queen should be without one, you know."

He laughed. "Why do I have a feeling I'm just one of those figureheads and you have all the power?"

"Because I do," she teased; "And you really shouldn't be criticizing what you're given to eat after I was nice enough to rub your back last night."

His smile softened; affection shining warmly in his blue eyes. "Like I said last night, you haven't lost your touch, sweetheart."

A coy smile graced her lips; her bare foot stretching out and rubbing against his leg as she held his gaze. "Was there ever any doubt?" she asked; her tone carrying an amorous lilt.

He gave a soft laugh. "Don't start something we can't finish, Sassy. I have to be going to work here soon."

"Oh I had no intention of finishing it," she replied.

"Is that a fact?"

"Mhmm...I just wanted to give you enough to ensure that you'd think about me all day long."

"I already think about you all day."

"I like to be sure of it," she grinned.

"Temptress."

"You wouldn't want me any other way."

He could think of a few ways he'd like to have her at the moment but that line of thought would only ensure that he was late for work. "What are you going to do today?" he asked instead.

"I'm going to clean the house so your guests won't think I let you live in filth."

"What filth? You can eat off anything in this house and not worry about catching something."

Johanna's lips curved into a smile. "I'm going to clean anyway. I don't want your friends thinking that you married a lousy housekeeper."

"I assure you that they won't be thinking that at all but if you want to clean, go ahead. When are they going to talk about Rick's interview?"

"They keep saying it's coming up next," she replied. "But I've already been waiting for an hour."

"I hope they hurry up and show it before I have to leave," Jim remarked. "I don't know why they have to take so long."

"To annoy us," his wife answered.

"I'll buy that."

The breakfast dishes were in the sink and Jim's briefcase was sitting on one of the kitchen chairs in anticipation of his departure as he and Johanna stood by the counter, waiting for the latest commercial break to end. Finally the morning news show returned and they got down to the business of bringing up the interview.

 _"Last night, best selling author Richard Castle gave an interview to WHNY's Kristina Coterra about his upcoming book Frozen Heat; but he also made a few remarks about the ongoing saga involving his muse, Kate Beckett and her mother, Johanna Beckett."_

"Oh boy," Johanna muttered as the clip began to roll of Kristina questioning him. She listened to Castle's comments intently; a small smile touching her lips as he described her and made it clear that there was no estrangement in her family.

"That was so sweet and good of him," she commented.

"It was," Jim agreed as the clip ended and the camera switched back to the news anchor.

 _"Another surprise developed later on in the interview. Is Richard Castle and Kristina Coterra, the city's newest hot couple?"_

"What?" Johanna exclaimed as another clip began to roll. Her brow rose as she kept her eyes glued to the screen, watching as her daughter's boyfriend accepted a date with another woman. "Well that wasn't sweet or good of him," she remarked.

"No it wasn't," Jim replied. "That's not acceptable at all."

"What the hell was he thinking? How could he do that to Katie?" she ranted.

"I don't know...did they break up? You talked to Katie yesterday, did she say anything?" her husband asked.

"No; she didn't mention anything about breaking up. It was a short conversation, she was busy but she sounded fine...I would've known if something was wrong. She would've told me if they broke up...wouldn't she? I mean I thought we were getting pretty good at discussing relationship issues."

"I'm sure she would've told you," Jim replied. "You're right, she does open up to you about Rick...which makes this hard to understand."

"I can't believe he did that," she stated once more. "Did he think she wouldn't find out about it? Was it a joke?"

"If it was it was a bad one...and I can't imagine Katie being amused by it."

"I can't either. I'm going to have to hurt him."

Jim nodded. "It does seem like he's going to have to be dealt with...it's a shame too; he's the only one of her boyfriends I actually liked."

Johanna blew out a breath. "I know; it is disappointing...I had high hopes."

"I thought maybe her taste in men had improved, now I'm not so sure...didn't you teach her how to have good taste in men?" Jim asked.

"I did the best I could! I figure it's one of your genes floating around in there that makes her bring home the wrong fish. Don't worry though, I'm going to get to the bottom of this...he might still be dangling on the hook. It's possible that she knocked that jackass gene out of him and he'll reform," Johanna said as she straightened her husband's tie.

"You find out what's going on and if it looks like he needs to be dealt with for hurting our girl, you call me at work and I'll take care of it on the way home."

"I will," she promised with a smile as she lightly gripped the lapels of his jacket.

'What?" he asked; amused suspicion in his eyes.

"You're very attractive when you're being protective."

He laughed quietly. "You are trying to start something with me, you temptress."

"Not at all," she remarked with mock innocence.

Jim cupped her face and caught her lips in a searing kiss. "Are you trying to start something?" she asked softly.

"No...I just want you to think about me all day long," he replied; tossing her words back at her with a smug grin.

"Cross my heart."

"I'd kiss you there too but then I'd be really late for work."

She laughed and gave him a playful shove. "Go; I have things to do."

He kissed her once more. "I love you."

"I love you too. Have a nice day, honey."

"Lock the door," he instructed gently. "I'll see you later."

Once she watched him pull out of the driveway, Johanna locked the door and turned back to the kitchen, intent on doing the dishes and then she would make a phone call and figure out what was going on in her daughter's life today.

* * *

Kate rubbed her temples, feeling a dull headache building as she sat down on the couch to pull her boots on while Castle moved around in her kitchen. She was still stewing about his lapse in judgment in making a date with Kristina and she found herself wishing that he'd get out of her apartment and just let her breath for a few minutes without his constant barrage of 'I did it for us' excuses. It had been a long night and they hadn't accomplished anything except going around in circles about how he could've better handled things. She sighed, realizing that there was clearly a part of her boyfriend who thought he never did wrong with his impulsive decisions.

Her phone rang and she groaned, praying it wasn't about a body because she didn't feel like diving into another case so soon; not when she had so much on her mind and had so little sleep.

"Work?" Castle asked as he stepped back into the room.

"No; it's my mother," she said as she picked up her phone and looked at the screen.

"Don't answer it!"

"Why not?"

"Because she's probably seen Kristina's show and she's calling to help you plot my murder," he replied.

"In that case I should definitely answer it," Kate replied. "But should I take this as you admitting that you were wrong to do this?"

"It's not wrong!" he exclaimed in exasperation. "It would only be wrong if something was going to happen but nothing is going to happen. I'm doing this for us."

"Yeah, I know," she muttered unconvincingly as her phone stopped ringing. "I'll see you later."

"You're throwing me out?"

"We were leaving separately anyway, Castle. I need to call my mother back and make sure everything is alright over there and sometimes I like to do that without an audience."

"Okay," he relented. "But really, there's no reason to be mad about this. Nothing's going to happen with Kristina."

"I'm not mad."

"Tell that to your angry face," he quipped. "I'm only doing what you wanted; making it look like we're both single."

She gave him a tight lipped smile. "I'm sorry, I didn't realize that when we had that conversation that it was stipulated that you should go out with bimbos but it's fine. If that's what you want to do, go ahead, Castle. "

"I don't _want_ to go out with her; but she had me backed into a corner and I couldn't say I was with you, so I figured it was the perfect way to draw attention away from our relationship. It's just business in my mind."

"Yes, I know; you've told me all night. Now can you go so I can return my phone call?"

Castle moved closer and gave her a quick kiss. "You're going to see that this is no big deal and that everything is going to be fine. I'll see you at the precinct."

Kate managed a smile and nodded and then gave her attention to her phone as he left. "You called?" she asked when her mother answered.

"Yes…are you busy?" Johanna asked.

"No; I was just getting ready for work. Is something wrong?"

"No. Is something wrong on your end?"

"Mom; I really don't feel like talking in riddles today; just spell out what you want."

Her mother sighed. "Did you and Rick break up?"

"No."

There was a beat of silence. "Then why is he on TV making a date with another woman?"

"Because he's a jackass," she replied.

"I'd say so," Johanna agreed. "It was a surprise to see him take such a downward spiral after he had said such nice things about us."

"Yeah; it surprised me too."

"Why did he do it? What the hell was he thinking?"

Kate scoffed. "Apparently he wasn't thinking, and then when he was when he had to face the music, he decided to make it my fault because I don't want the public to know we're together right now so this is his plan to 'prove' to everyone that he's single…because clearly that's what he thinks I meant by keeping our relationship private."

Johanna sighed in disgust. "That's one of the stupidest things I've ever heard in my life. Why the hell would he think this is a good idea? Neither one of you has to 'prove' your relationship status to anyone; if people want to speculate they're going to do it regardless of who you're seen with."

"Yeah well tell him that. We've gone around circles about it all night and he's still convinced that he's come up with this genius plot and nothing can go wrong with it; it's just business in his mind, he claims."

"Did you tell him to call it off? It shouldn't be hard for him to call her up and make some excuse about not being able to make dinner."

"As soon as I saw him after the interview, I said to him, 'tell me you called it off'…you'd think that would be his clue to call it off but he's not getting it. All he says is that there isn't any reason for me to be mad, that I'll see it's going to be fine."

"You should've slapped him upside his head and asked him if that was fine," Johanna remarked. "I thought Rick was smarter than that."

"So did I but now we know he's like every other man in the universe…except Dad."

"Don't count your father out," she replied. "He may be the love of my life and your father but he's still a man…and he's had plenty of stupid moments through the years…believe me."

Kate gave a short laugh. "I believe you…I just don't understand why men have to be so damn stupid at times…especially when it involves another woman; a woman who clearly doesn't have platonic interests in mind."

"Well honey, it's like this, one; men have that biological defect called the jackass gene. Two, it's the way they're wired; it's like they're divided, there's the north and the south…and they only have one wire connecting both…but not enough electricity to sufficiently power north and south equally. As you know, they're more inclined to listen to the southern delegation."

"Uh huh, because it's a warmer climate, right?" Kate replied.

"Yes…but I find that once a cold front moves through there and cools it off, the lights start coming back on in the north. When it feels like winter has set in, they get lonely and figure it out."

She couldn't help but laugh. "That's an interesting analogy…and it does make sense."

"Of course it does," Johanna replied. "I know how it works."

"What am I supposed to do?" Kate asked quietly. "It's like he's determined to do this."

"You either have to go get in his face and tell him to call it off or else, and then stipulate what your 'or else' means, or let him go through with it and hope for the best and then lay down a new law in regard to acceptable relationship behavior."

"I feel like I'm stuck," she admitted. "Like he's trying to use my words against me but I didn't tell him to go out with someone else!"

"I know you didn't; but Katie; you can't let him use your feelings against you to justify what he does. If you feel so strongly about this, then find another way to make that impression so it sticks and he calls off this nonsense."

"You make it sound so easy…and he makes it sound like I gave him a permission slip and that being annoyed by him doing this is wrong because he says he's doing it for 'us;…and I feel like he's doing it for him…because I didn't think he was thinking all that much about me when he's sitting there saying yes, knowing I'm backstage watching it happen."

"You were there!" her mother exclaimed.

"Yes I was there!"

"Shoot him."

"I thought about it," she said with a scoff.

Silence fell across the line for a moment before Johanna spoke once more. "I wish I had better advice to give you to help you fix this one."

"Yeah, me too; but it's okay. I guess I brought it on myself by wanting to keep things quiet but I have good reasons for it and he agreed to them. I didn't agree with the reasons for his date…if he does it once, he's going to have to do it again and again to keep up the charade he's putting out there. You can say you're single and not go out with someone to prove it. Some people stay out of relationships for awhile to take time for themselves."

"That's right," her mother agreed. "Did you tell him that?"

"Yeah, that came up around one this morning. He claims no one would believe that of him because he has a reputation."

"What his reputation as a playboy; that's something to be proud of. Even so called playboys take a break once in awhile; and to my knowledge he wasn't going out with anyone all summer so how did it look to the public then?"

"Exactly!" Kate exclaimed. "Thank you; you get it. All we have to do is keeping acting in public the way we always have…and with the exception of the flight attendant, he hasn't been out with anyone in a long time. There was no need to make a big display. He could've said 'some other time, I'm busy'. I get it and you get it, so why doesn't he get it?"

"I told you why," Johanna replied. "He's the victim of not only the jackass gene but a malfunction of that one wire running between the north and south."

"Well he better call an electrician and get the wire fixed because I am not going to put up with this all the time."

"I don't blame you…and I'm sorry that you've run into this roadblock."

"Me too. I guess things were going too good."

"That's usually when those roadblocks come around…when you're least expecting it."

"Does it ever get better?"

"Do you remember that one show we used to watch on Nick at Nite; the Facts of Life?"

"Yeah," Kate answered. "Why?"

"In their theme song says something along the lines of 'you take the good, you take the bad, and there you have the facts of life'," Johanna replied.

"What's your point?"

"Relationships are the same way; you take the good, you take the bad…you can't have one without the other. It's been my experience though that the bad is easier to get through the longer you're with someone. Somewhere along the way it gets a little easier…or maybe it's that you learn to get through the bad in an easier, calmer fashion. I don't know. It's constant work, you know that."

"I know…I just feel like I'm screwing up at the moment."

"You're not…he is, in my totally unbiased opinion as your mother and fellow woman."

Kate laughed as she glanced at her watch. "As much as I'd like to keep that line of thought going, I have to get to work or I'm going to be late."

"Alright, sweetheart; I just wanted to make sure you were okay. I didn't know if something happened or not," Johanna told her.

"I'm okay…not very happy, but okay," she remarked. "Call me if you need me."

"I will," her mother promised. "I love you; be careful."

"I will be. I love you too."

They said goodbye and Kate slid her phone into her pocket as she got up from the sofa. She hated the thought of stepping out the door…the day already seemed off balance; she'd rather go back to bed and sleep through it.

* * *

"Are you still planning on residing upstairs tonight?" Jim asked Johanna as they ate dinner that evening.

"Yes, it's the right thing to do. You don't need me hovering while you're with your friends."

"Being in the next room isn't hovering."

"What's the difference if I'm in the living room opposed to our bedroom?"

"You're sealed off upstairs…there isn't much chance that you'll be seen or heard."

Johanna gave him a small smile. "I'm sure everyone knows I'm here, Jim. Is it really so important to put me in front of people?"

"Maybe…"

"Why?"

"So you know that you can be in front of them and have nothing to fear or feel ashamed of," he replied. "So I don't feel like I'm putting you in an uncomfortable position in your own home."

"Honey, you're not," she insisted. "I swear I'm fine. I'm just giving you space to be with your friends and have a good time. You'd do the same for me if I had friends."

Those words struck Jim in the heart. Johanna had always been a well liked person for the most part. She used to have friends. Before all of this, she had her sister and sisters-in-law and cousins. She had Sharon and for a long time, Maggie too. Somewhere inside, in an area he had been ignoring, he had known that a part of Johanna was lonely. She needed the companionship of other women. She needed shopping trips and manicures, lunch dates, gossip and someone that she could tell things to that she didn't feel like she could talk to him about. She needed girl talk and whatever else it was that women did together. She had a little bit of a friendship with Martha, but the actress was currently busy with her school and a small role in a new play. They spoke on the phone occasionally but they had seen little of each other…and he had a feeling that she didn't mind all that much. He knew there was a small part of her that was saw Martha as the competition for her daughter's affection. There was Valerie, but again, that contact was through phone calls for the moment. One of her cousins had managed to contact her, but she lived out of state.

Jim breathed deeply; he didn't know how to provide for her in that area. Colleen was out of the question, as was his own sister, Madelyn, despite his terse words to her on the subject. His sister-in-law Natalie was still getting used to the idea. His brother William's wife Lucinda, had never liked either one of them, and anyway they lived in Berlin half the year. His brother Andrew was twice divorced and raising his twelve year old daughter on his own. There was too much bad blood between Johanna and Melanie for a friendship to ever form with Jeff's wife. He almost laughed aloud at the thought of that. Maggie was living in the Hamptons, but their friendship had suffered when Johanna had taken Jeff's side during their divorce and he doubted that Maggie had any desire to reconnect to her former life. If only Sharon would come around. Sharon who had once described herself as the Ethel to Johanna's Lucy; the Shirley to her Laverne, and the Rhoda to her Mary…well Mary, Lucy and Laverne sure could use Rhoda, Ethel and Shirley right about now, he thought to himself. He had a feeling his wife would feel a lot better if she had Sharon in her corner again; along with those joint shopping trips, gossip sessions and shared lunches. She'd bounce back a lot faster if she had her best friend to confide in.

Even Katie didn't come around much. He knew for a fact that she declined a dinner invitation every Sunday…and any other day it was extended it seemed. Her excuses for staying away were based on the media attention and work and Rick, which was completely fine. Couples were always wrapped up in each other when things were still new and he was happy for her and knew Johanna was as well. But he'd still have to see about taking his daughter aside one day and asking her is she could possibly spare a few hours to spend with her mother once in awhile as a favor to him. Maybe if Kate took her shopping and out to lunch once or twice a month, it would ease that loneliness his wife felt. One or two Saturday mornings when convenient wasn't too much to ask, was it? He'd be willing to pay for their meal…hell he'd be willing to pay for Katie's half of the shopping trip as well as her mother's if she'd just take her out for a little while…just until he could find someone else. He was sure Valerie would be happy to do those things with her once they were reacquainted….and just maybe he'd have to go talk to Sharon himself. He was sure that things could be worked out if Sharon would just come over and talk to her. Johanna was a patient woman, if you let her know that you were willing to try, she'd wait for you to get used to things, for trust to rebuild and tensions to ease. All Sharon had to do was show up; she could take her time from there…but at least she'd be there as they got back on track.

Jim glanced at his wife as she poked her fork into her salad. It wasn't fair. He was her husband, the person she had pledged to spend her life with…and if he could understand and forgive her for what she had to do…then why couldn't anyone else? Sure, he had been angry with her, but once the initial surprise had worn off a little that first night, there was nothing on God's green earth that was going to keep him from her. His anger at her had burned off; a little anger at the circumstances that had robbed them of so much, lingered deep inside, but it wasn't directed at her. So many people wanted to brand his wife a villain…wanted to act as though she had spent her entire life masquerading as something that she wasn't, and that wasn't true in any way, shape or form. All of those who were turning their back on her now, were the ones who weren't what they had portrayed themselves to be and it angered him and saddened him that she had to be left lonely in some respects because of it.

"I'm your friend," he stated quietly but firmly, drawing her gaze back to his face.

She smiled. "You're my best friend."

"You're my best friend too, sweetheart."

"You better not tell Jeff that, he might cry," she replied lightly.

A smile touched his lips. "You told me once that a person could have more than one best friend…I think I've always done well at managing have two…but just between us, you're my favorite."

She laughed. "I won't tell."

"I appreciate that, I don't want Jeff moping all night…you know what he's like when he mopes."

Johanna nodded. "It's not pretty."

"No it isn't."

Their conversation drifted into lighter waters as they finished their meal. He hung around while she washed the dishes to keep her company, and later on when she asked when his guests would be arriving and he replied that they'd be there any moment, he didn't say a word as he watched while she fixed herself a drink and put a snack in a bowl for later. She gathered up her grandmother's diary, her reading glasses, phone and snagged the blue throw from the back of the couch and headed for the stairs, while he followed behind after taking the drink and bowl from her hands. When they reached the bedroom and he had placed the items he was carrying on the nightstand, he rubbed the back of his neck while she grabbed the remote and turned on the television.

"Are you sure you don't want to wait until they get here before you stay up here?" he asked.

Johanna shook her head and moved toward him, catching his lips in a kiss. "Good luck tonight…win me some money," she said playfully.

He tucked a lock of hair behind her ear and then pulled her into his arms. "I'll do what I can," he told her; his statement carrying a deeper meaning to himself.

She kissed him once more as a knock sounded at the door. "Have fun," she implored as she separated from him and her place on her side of the bed.

Jim gave her a nod and a smile; he was just going to have to do better for her…even if it meant that he had to take her on more shopping trips…and sit with her while she painted her fingernails.

* * *

"Where's Johanna?" Jeff asked while Jim shuffled the cards a short while later.

"She's upstairs hiding," he muttered.

"Hiding? What for?"

Jim glanced at him as he dealt the cards. "You know why. She's a little people shy right now."

"But it's me," Jeff declared; "And she knows Phil and Zach; hell she's known them as long as she's known us."

"And she's met me," Craig added.

"Is it me?" his friend Kevin asked. "I guess I'm the only one here who hasn't met her...although I was looking forward to it."

Jim shook his head. "No it's not you...it's the world at large. She's just having a hard time adjusting. With all the attention and bad reactions from the people who matter...she just kind of keeps to herself. I think she has herself convinced that she's the most hated person in New York and she's terrified she's going to ruin my friendships," he stated; rambling on about the problem more than he normally would have but he was at such a loss for what to do about it.

"Why would she ruin your friendships?" Zach asked.

"Because I took her back," he answered; frowning slightly as he studied his cards.

Zach looked at him in puzzlement. "So? That's your business. She's your wife and you love her; it's not like she just up and ran off for a change of pace. She didn't have much of a choice. I don't think anyone can imagine a world where you wouldn't let her come home. If that had happened, I'd be outside waiting to see flying pigs."

Jim chuckled slightly. "Yeah well tell her that because she's under the impression that I'm going to be constantly defending that choice and constantly defending her to everyone I know. I just don't know what to do to make it better for her. She's always been complicated but it's worse now," he whispered.

"I think you just have to keep pushing her," Craig commented quietly.

"Yeah," Jeff said with a nod of agreement. "You have to ease off that tendency to baby her, Jim."

"What are you talking about?"

His best friend eyed him knowingly. "Come on, Jim; you know you baby Sassy; you always have. I'm not saying it's a bad thing, she's your girl, she always has been...but coddling her doesn't help matters right now. Show her some tough love."

"I do," he retorted.

"Maybe not often enough," Jeff replied.

"She's not ready for more...she needs time to heal."

"Then don't complain when she's still hiding upstairs this time next year," Zach remarked. "In one breath you want her to do better but in the next you're making excuses for her not to be and for her not to try more."

"You don't understand," Jim remarked as he laid his cards down. "She's not your wife; you don't know what she needs."

"What she needs," Jeff stated; "Is for you to be the man she loves...but also the man who picks her up, dusts her off and puts her back on her feet and says "now go back out there". You're giving her little nudges...now give her a push. She won't crumble, she won't stop loving you, she won't leave you. Stir up that temper of hers a little; she needs to get that fire going again."

"She's got plenty of fire," Jim retorted.

Jeff grinned. "I meant fire that can be used outside of the bedroom. A little tough love never hurt anybody."

"I'll think about it."

"No time like the present," Jeff replied as he fished his phone out of his pocket. "I'll get her down here."

"Leave her be, Jeff."

"Nope; can't do that," he said as he found Johanna's number and hit send.

Johanna was resting comfortably against her pillows; the remote next to her and her grandmother's diary in her hands when her phone rang. She sighed; people just didn't want her to read for some reason. She grabbed her phone from the nightstand, puzzlement furrowing her brow as she saw Jeff's name on the screen. Why was he calling her when he was downstairs in her kitchen?

"Hello," she answered; her tone conveying her confusion.

"Hey, waitress; you do know you have a table of six down here, right? Where are your comment cards located? I'm not happy with the service here."

She smirked as she heard muffled chuckles in the background. "Excuse me?"

"I waited for this all day," Jeff stated. "I even made sure that I ate lightly because I knew I was coming here...and since you live here, I expected to be decently fed...and I'm not being decently fed. I can't tell you how disappointed I am...I expect better than this from you. You haven't even come down to gaze upon my charming face...and after looking at Jim all the time; you'd think you'd welcome the change of scenery."

"I find his face very charming," she replied; "And as for being fed, isn't it your wife's job to feed you?"

Jeff laughed. "She can't cook, Sassy."

"Why am I not surprised? But you know, technically Jim is your host."

"Don't give me any of that technically mumbo jumbo; you're the lady of the house, you're the hostess, you're supposed to see the guests properly entertained and fed. That's your job. Now you just haul your sweet sassy self down those stairs and get to work, woman; or there just might be a riot down here. I might have to flip this table; what do you think Zach, should we flip the table or start with the chairs?"

"You flip the table I'll start with the chairs; Phil can start breaking things."

Jeff laughed. "What do you think of that, Sassy? We're going to tear this place apart."

"I'll kick your ass," she replied.

"Oh; you're getting feisty...I was starting to think you didn't have it in you anymore."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means you need to get down here and take care of us before we get rowdy. We might even come up there and get you."

"Jim wouldn't let you do that!"

"Don't be too sure of that."

Johanna blew out a breath. "What is it that you want that you're not capable of getting from the refrigerator yourselves?"

Jeff leaned back in his chair. "Well to be honest; ever since I stepped in this house I've had this sudden craving for chicken. Do you have any _chickens_ in this house, Sassy?" he asked; putting a certain lilt on the word chicken.

She caught the dig he was throwing at her. He was calling her out for being too chicken to even come downstairs long enough to say hello. It didn't anger her...but it didn't feel all that great either. "No; but I have a nice big helping of jackass in the kitchen," she retorted.

Jeff laughed. "I've never had jackass before; what's that taste like?"

"I don't know; why don't you lick yourself and find out," Johanna replied.

Jeff spit the mouthful of soda he had taken across the floor as he shook with laughter. "Now that's the Sassy I know and love," he managed to say. "Now are you coming down or what?"

"Depends?"

"On what?"

"Are you going to lick yourself if I do?"

He chuckled. "If that's what it takes; yes I will."

"I'll take it under consideration."

Jeff sighed. "I'd tell Jim to give you a swat across your backside but I think he might enjoy that too much."

"He has always enjoyed a hands on approach," she quipped. "That's one of the reasons I married him."

"You have one hour, Sassy," Jeff stated lightly. "One hour to show your face and be a proper hostess...or we can't be held accountable for our actions."

"Uh huh; we'll see about that."

"I guess we will...see you in a few minutes," Jeff told her before ending the call. He laid his phone down and smiled at Jim. "She'll be down."

Jim held his friend's gaze. "If I end up sleeping alone tonight; I'm going to kick your ass."

"That's funny; your wife threatened to kick my ass too."

Jim couldn't suppress the smile that touched his lips. "That's my girl."

* * *

After spending a half hour debating whether or not she should go downstairs, Johanna took off her glasses, pushed herself off the bed and took a deep breath. There was a flutter of nerves in her stomach as she left the room and made her way to the stairs. She could do this; it was only a group of men. Her husband was there and Jeff…and she had known Zach and Phil for as long as she had known Jim. She had met Craig briefly; he seemed like a nice man. That only left one stranger…but of course this would be her first time seeing Zach and Phil in so long. Zach hadn't seemed like a threat when he was agreeing with Jeff on the phone…but who knew how it would go…and Phil was Sharon's husband. She couldn't imagine that he'd want anything to do with her. She hated feeling like a plague.

Johanna took another breath and then descended the stairs. Just a quick visit and then she could retreat; Jim would be happy with that and she wouldn't have to feel guilty. Her shaky bravado crumbled as she neared the kitchen and heard their voices and laughter. Maybe she needed a few more minutes…she could detour to the office…or so she thought.

Jeff Campbell had been occasionally looking over Jim's shoulder every so often; waiting to catch a glimpse of Johanna so he could draw her into the kitchen. His vigilance paid off as her long sleeved red shirt caught his eye as she stood in the hallway; largely concealed from the other occupants view. She was planning to run; he could see it in her. It pained him to see her so unsure, especially in her own home. He was used to the confident sassy woman she had always been…and still was when she was comfortable and right now she wasn't…but he had to call her out. He understood Jim's desire to protect her from the world and to baby her…and maybe this was one of those times when he could get away with something that his friend couldn't.

"Peek a boo; I see you," Jeff called out.

Johanna glared at him as her gaze met his. "Don't give me that look, Sassy; just get your skinny little behind in here. Don't you feed her, Jim?"

"All the time," he replied lightly. "She just seems to stay the same size…except for when she loses a few pounds due to stress."

"I gained back those few pounds," Johanna muttered. "I'm the size I've always been since having Katie."

"Keep it that way," her husband remarked; "And for the record, there's barely any difference between your size before you had Katie and after."

"Come on, Sassy," Jeff taunted. "No one's going to bite you or pinch you…we leave that up to Jim and I'm sure he makes time in his schedule for pinching you on a regular basis."

"As often as possible," Jim stated.

Johanna took a step closer; apparently she wasn't getting out of this. "That's it, come on, you can do it," Jeff teased.

"You're going to get it," she told him.

"Then get in here and give it to me."

She crossed the threshold of her kitchen; trepidation in each step. Six pairs of eyes looked at her and she wrapped her arms around herself protectively as she flicked a quick glance at her bare feet. She felt awkward but she forced her eyes back to the men occupying her kitchen.

"Well there she is," Jeff announced. "I told you all I could get her down here. What took you so long, Sassy?"

"I was trying to decide on the best way to poison you," she replied flippantly; knowing he expected her to volley back. "But I figure going home to Melanie later should be punishment enough."

Her friend grinned at her. "She'll probably wait up just to ask me about you."

Johanna smiled. "Tell her that she still disgusts me."

"Oh I'll definitely give her your regards," he responded.

"You do that," she replied; her gaze flicking to her husband who gave her a reassuring smile and reached for her hand; giving it a squeeze. She returned his smile and then looked to Craig and greeted him before her gaze fell to Zach. He gave her a warm smile as she said hello. "Don't you ever age?" he asked lightly.

She gave a soft laugh. "Every day; and it shows."

"I don't know where at," Zach replied. "You look the same to me."

"Well I appreciate that but you probably need your eyes checked. How are your boys?"

Zach spoke of his two grown sons; showing her a picture of them that he had on his phone. "I have two kids you don't know," he told her; pulling up another photo. "This is my step-son Ben; he's thirteen."

Johanna smiled as she looked at the picture. "Going through that teen phase again, I feel sorry for you," she told him.

"Not nearly as sorry as I feel," he laughed as he found yet another picture. "And this is my daughter, Mikayla; she's eleven."

"She's beautiful, Zach," she replied sincerely. "How long have you been remarried?"

"Twelve years," he answered. "You'll have to meet Monica sometime soon."

"I'd like that."

"Zach went out and got himself one of those young girls," Jeff quipped.

"She's 45," Zach stated.

"That's a lot younger than you," his friend teased.

"What's the matter, Jeff; are you jealous?" Johanna asked in amusement.

"Of course I am," he replied. "I could've gone for one of those sweet younger women."

"That's what happens when you play in the wrong sandbox," she told him; the men laughing in response. "I think I'll pick out your next wife."

"I'm going to hold you to that, Sassy," he laughed.

Johanna turned her attention to the next face from her past. "Phil," she said somewhat softly in greeting to the man who had remained silent.

He met her gaze for a brief moment. "Johanna."

His tone was as cool as the look in his eyes and she shifted uncomfortably. "How are you?" she asked.

"I'm fine."

"How's Sharon?"

"She's fine...at least as fine as can be expected; given the circumstances."

Johanna looked at the floor for a moment; her arms wrapping around her midsection once again. "Ow," Phil stated; drawing her gaze back to the table, but he was looking in Zach's direction.

"Oh, did my foot slam into yours?" Zach asked somewhat innocently. "I'm sorry."

"Try acting like it," Phil retorted.

"How's Molly doing?" she forced herself to ask.

"She's fine."

"Molly's a teacher," Jim stated. "Elementary school; right, Phil?"

"Right."

"That's great," Johanna stated. "I'm sure she's wonderful at that...I'm sure you're proud."

"I am," he remarked. "I'm glad she chose a profession where I don't have to worry about her being shot at on a daily basis."

"Phil," Jim said; warning coloring his tone but Johanna laid a hand on his shoulder and squeezed gently; sending a silent 'let it go' message.

"Do you have a picture of her?" Johanna inquired. "I'd like to see what she looks like now."

"No; I don't. She looks like Sharon; I'm sure you recall what Sharon looked like at Molly's age."

Her throat tightened but she didn't allow the tears to fill her eyes. "Yes; I remember," she said softly. "I have no doubt that she's as pretty as her mother always has been."

Phil refrained from commenting; keeping his eyes on his cards despite the fact that everyone else had laid theirs down. Jim took the opportunity to introduce her to Kevin. Kevin was very kind to her and she made casual conversation with him and Craig; asking each of them about their families. Jeff shared a look with Jim; they knew she was eager to flee after her encounter with Phil but as she wrapped up her small talk; Jeff looked at her and said "How about some food, Sassy?"

Johanna gave a small smile and nodded; asking what everyone wanted. She wasn't surprised when Phil declined everything she offered and she did her best to brush it off as she filled the requests of the other men. When she finished serving their drinks and sandwiches and snacks; she gave Jeff a small smack against his head and then pressed a kiss against her husband's cheek. "I'm going back upstairs," she told him.

He nodded. "If you get lonely, you can come back down."

She conjured up a small smile for him. "If you need me; yell."

After she had disappeared from view; Jim met Phil's eye. "Phil; you got away with it tonight because that's how she wanted it; but if you ever treat my wife like that in her own home again; you'll never step foot in this house again."

"Understood," he replied; but there wasn't an ounce of remorse in his tone.

* * *

Kate took the back way to her parents house that night, parking beside her father's car in the driveway. The lights were on in the kitchen and she made her way to the back door and knocked. She forced a smile to her lips when her godfather opened the door.

"It's Sassy Jr.," Jeff announced to the room as he unlatched the screen door for her. "Did you come to get into the game, Katie bug?"

"No; I can't stand to see you all cry when I beat you," she replied with a soft laugh, her eyes finding her father at the table. "Are you winning or losing, Dad?"

"A little of both," Jim replied as he studied his daughter. "I thought you were working a case."

"We closed it a little while ago. Where's Mom?"

"Upstairs."

"Did you lock her in the closet so no one would take a shine to her or is the male bonding session too much for her?"

Jim chuckled. "I didn't lock her away. She holed up in the bedroom all on her own."

"Well who can blame her," Kate said lightly. "No woman wants to be stuck in a room with six little boys while they play their games and compare who has the best toys."

There was laughter around the table and Zach shook his head as he caught Jim's eye. "You're right, Jim; she's just like her mother."

"See, I told you she was," he agreed before turning his attention back to his daughter. "In your mother's defense, she has come downstairs twice. Once because Jeff goaded her to over the phone and the second time to see what we broke."

A more genuine smile touched her lips. "What did you do?"

"It wasn't me. Jeff broke a glass trying out a trick he saw on TV."

"Needless to say, but he sucked at it," Craig added.

Kate eyed her godfather; she had a feeling the move might have been deliberate since the statement had been made that he had goaded her mother into making an earlier appearance. "You wouldn't have broken that glass on purpose just to get her back down here, now would you?"

Jeff smiled. "The fifth amendment says I don't have to answer that question."

"That's what I thought."

"We just want to welcome her home," Zach stated.

"Yeah," Jeff agreed. "We told her no one was going to bite her or pinch her…that's your father's job."

"And on that note, I think I'll go upstairs and join her," Kate replied.

"Katie," Jim said, catching hold of her wrist. "Is there anything I need to take care of?" he asked as he held her gaze.

Tears instantly stung her eyes as she caught his meaning. "No," she said softly, leaning down and pressing a kiss to his cheek and then wrapping her arms around him in a hug.

"You sure?"

She nodded. "For now…but if something changes I'll let you know."

"Okay," he replied, giving her one last squeeze before releasing her. "Go on, go see your mother."

She conjured up a smile for him and gave his guests a small wave and then left the kitchen. When she was out of sight, Jeff murmured; "Looks like someone needs her mommy."

Jim gave a nod. "I'm sure of it."

"Does someone need taken care of?" Jeff asked. "Do we need to form a posse and put the fear of God into someone?"

"I'm still waiting on the final verdict on that. I'll let you know."

His friend sighed. "I swear, Jim; we're going to have to take some training and amass an arsenal to keep your girls protected from all the evils of the world."

He laughed. "Don't think I haven't thought the same thing myself."

Kate moved down the hallway of her childhood home; grateful that light was spilling from her mother's open bedroom door; not that she thought for a moment that she'd go to sleep while her kitchen was being infiltrated by a group of men, but stranger things could happen. She leaned against the doorframe, her eyes drawn to her mother as she leaned back against her pillows with a book in her hand.

Johanna felt the sensation of being watched and she flicked her gaze toward the doorway. "Katie," she said. "When did you get here?"

"A few minutes ago," she answered as she padded into the room. "I see you have a congregation in the kitchen."

"You could say that…and being upstairs doesn't spare me their noise."

"I'm sure it doesn't," Kate replied quietly.

Johanna studied her daughter's features and demeanor. Something was wrong. "What's wrong, baby?" she asked softly; that old familiar phrase that she had used from Kate's infancy crossing her lips.

"I made a fool out of myself," she answered with a wobbly smile.

Johanna patted the spot next to her. "Come here and tell me what happened."

Kate kicked off her shoes and climbed into the vacant space next to her mother. She took a breath and explained the phone call she had gotten from Castle's number and how she had gone storming into the loft, gun drawn, under the assumption that something was wrong.

"And then what?" her mother asked.

"And then I see him on the couch and that bimbo he had a date with is on top of him…"

"What!" Johanna exclaimed.

"Yeah."

"And then you shot her, right? You're here because you need help getting rid of the body because Rick is physically unable to now? Or you shot them both and need help hiding both bodies...we better pick up a few things before we get to work on that and I need to change clothes because I'd hate to have to burn this shirt. We can't risk keeping clothes that could have DNA evidence on them."

"I really appreciate that you would do that for me," Kate replied.

"I'm your mother; I do what needs to be done and make sure no trail leads back to you. Don't worry about your alibi; you've been here since you left the precinct; we have a kitchen full of witnesses that will swear to it."

She smiled. "Thanks, Mom…but I don't need to hide any bodies tonight. I didn't shoot anyone…although it was tempting."

"Did you at least beat the hell out of the bimbo? You'd be well within your rights; if I come in here and find your father on the couch with some woman, that bitch isn't leaving here without at least two broken bones…and he's going to pay slowly and painfully when I'm done with her."

The statement elicited a small laugh from Kate. "I don't doubt it for a minute but I didn't hit her either…but again it was tempting. They were still clothed…well, if a bikini can be considered as being clothed."

"Oh God," Johanna said with disgust as shook her head. "Is there any possibility that this bimbo is related to Melanie Thompson?"

"I wouldn't know. I couldn't hit her though; she ended up giving a little piece of information that solved our case. But it was humiliating, busting in there and seeing that…"

"There's nothing humiliating about running to the rescue of someone you love."

"Yeah, you'd think that, but actually there is," Kate responded.

"Why?"

"Because! I'm running in there like an idiot and nothing's wrong…well something was very wrong, but not the kind of wrong I was imagining…and while I'm grateful for that, there is a little part of me that feels like this wrongness was worse."

"That's understandable," her mother replied. "Why didn't he push her off? I'm sure he could over power that girl without causing any harm to her."

"That's what I pointed out! And he stands there saying "I can't do that", oh hell no, of course not, be a perfect gentleman while someone is doing something to you that you claim you don't want! What is wrong with this picture?"

"A lot of things…like that probably would've been the moment to smack him up side the head."

Kate breathed deeply and exhaled the breath in a frustrated huff as emotion clawed at her. The sting of tears hit her eyes and she desperately tried to hold them at bay. What was the point in crying when the mess was partially of her own making…and yet she couldn't help but feel like she needed to; there was a small sore spot in heart over the whole thing after all. "He just tries to justify it, you know," she said softly. "No admittance that he made a mistake when he chose to accept this date, just a blasé "I'm sorry" and "it's not my fault, I couldn't stop her" and he acts like I shouldn't be upset about anything."

Johanna closed the book that she had abandoned on her lap and sat it on the nightstand along with her reading glasses. She then reached for her daughter, wrapping an arm around her as Kate willingly tucked herself into her side and laid her head against her shoulder.

"Why did you tell him that it wasn't okay to do this, Katie?" Johanna asked softly; her voice holding no judgment.

"Because I felt like I had no choice," her daughter replied; a tear breaking free despite her resolve not to give in to the emotion.

"Why did you feel that way?"

"Because he kept bringing up that I don't want our relationship status publicly known and that going out with Kristina would be the perfect cover. I guess I just kind of felt like I had to go along with it because of the way I want to keep our relationship private for now. I felt like if I said no, there'd be this big issue about him having to go along with me."

"And yet there's an issue anyway."

"I know…but there's also the fact that he had already said yes on camera. It wasn't like we talked about it first; he just went ahead and made that decision. Don't you think he could've said that he already had plans or some other time…I mean anything other than a full acceptance that he then lays at my doorstep by telling me that's he's doing it for me. He knew I was standing backstage watching this go down…and he says yes like he's had some kind of genius moment and I'm supposed to applaud him for it."

"You're right," Johanna remarked; "There are other answers that he could have given. This date shouldn't have happened…and I'm not defending him by asking this, but don't you think that he might really be convinced that he did this for you?"

"Of course he's convinced of it! But even so…you just don't agree to go out with someone else. I wouldn't do that to him."

"I know you wouldn't."

"So why did he do that to me? Why do I have to spell it out for him that it's wrong and that I don't like it? Shouldn't that be something you just automatically know you shouldn't do?"

"You'd think," her mother agreed. "But like I told you this morning, he is a man."

"I know."

"One of those jackass genes slipped into his bloodstream."

Kate gave a light scoff. "They need to make a pill for that."

"I've had that thought myself…but on the other hand; their screw ups usually mean flowers, gifts, begging if it's bad enough…and then there's make up sex."

She laughed. "Really, Mom; we're going there?"

"I was just stating it as an advantage; I had no intention of discussing or offering examples from my own past."

"That's good because I'm not asking for any."

Johanna gave a soft laugh and tightened her hold on her for a moment. Silence fell for a moment and then Kate turned serious once more. "I have all of these things in my mind…and I know most of them are irrational and stupid but I can't help it."

"What kind of things, Katie?"

"Like maybe he's tired of me already."

Her mother gave a shake of her head. "I don't see him ever being tired of you. What else?"

"He seemed to jump at the chance…maybe she's more his type. Kristina fits in with the Merediths and Jacindas of the world…and I don't. I'm just me. Maybe there was a part of him that did want to go out with her."

"That's all you ever have to be, Katie. There's nothing wrong with who you are. I can't answer the question about him wanting to go out with her…that's something you'll have to ask him. But I do know that he loves you and I believe that who you are is what attracted him in the first place. If he wanted the Merediths and Jacindas and Kristinas of the world, he'd be with one…but he's not. He's with you. You don't doubt that he loves you, do you?"

"No, I don't doubt it," she sniffled. "But like I said; I have all of these things in my head and I know they're silly but…"

"They're not silly, sweetheart. They're natural reactions that any woman in your shoes would have. I've had them…I still do. I'm sure every woman we've ever known had or still has those feelings."

"There's something else I keep thinking too," Kate admitted.

"What?"

"What if Castle went out with her as some kind of punishment for me wanting to keep things quiet for now? What if that's the real reason…it could be, without him even really realizing it."

"That's something you're going to have to ask him. Don't be afraid to go there if that question is really bugging you."

Kate was quiet for a moment. "You know; I think one of the things that's really bugging me is that to me, he's acting like I have no reason to be upset or hurt by this because he 'did it for me and nothing happened'. Am I wrong, Mom? Did I lose my right to be upset because I felt backed into a corner and went along with it?"

"No; you're not wrong and you haven't lost your right to feel the way you want no matter what you agreed to. Of course you're upset that he made this choice and that you then had to walk in there and see him with this woman; and then to be made to feel like your feelings are being disregarded and used against you, gives you every right in the world to feel whatever you want. You can't tell your heart what's allowed to wound it…and no one has the right to tell you how you should feel. Nothing happened and he may have had good intentions going into this…but even good intentions hurt sometimes and he needs to apologize instead of justify."

"Thank you," she replied softly.

"No thanks needed; it's the truth…and Katie; I understand why you felt backed into a corner when this issue came up, but use this as a learning experience and the next time you feel a jam like this coming on; don't be afraid to tell him how you really feel…because now you know that when you don't, you end up with an issue on your hands anyway so it's better to lay the cards on the table and fight about the real issue instead of adding to it. I don't mean that as a lecture…just advice from someone who's been to this rodeo before."

"I know what you mean…but there's something else."

"Let's hear it."

"Am I wrong for wanting to keep our relationship out of the public eye right now?"

"No; absolutely not. That's your private business and the media has no right to pry into it. No one has that right…except me, because I'm your mother and God says I have the right to at least try to pry into your private life on occasion."

The comment garnered her a small laugh as she had hoped and she continued on. "You have a lot one your plate right now, Katie. You already have attention on you in your own respect...because of me, and I'm sorry for that. It's a lot for you to deal with, but even if you didn't have that attention on you right now, Rick is still a public figure who shows up in gossip columns and entertainment pages and all of those other things. I think no matter what, you'd need time to get used to that idea. He chose to live his life in the public eye but you didn't. He's used to it and it doesn't bother him...I think that's why it's hard for him to understand why it bothers us so much. I know what's at stake for you if things come out before you want them to and I see no shame in trying to protect it. This stage of your relationship is still new and I'm sure it still feels fragile to you. You have a right to want to keep that to yourself."

Kate brushed back a lock of her hair and glanced up at her mother. "It does still feel new and fragile...I don't want to heap more stress on it than necessary. There'd be added media attention and the possible loss of our partnership at the precinct and I'm just not ready to face all of that...not when everything is already in an organized state of chaos as it is. It's not that I don't want people to know that I'm with Rick...it's just that I want to keep him...in every aspect of my life that I'm used to. I want us to be in a more stable place when it comes out...I want to feel better about where I stand. I want to feel like I'm more in control...you know what I mean?"

"Yes; I know what you mean...have you explained it to him in that way?" Johanna asked.

"I thought I had...but that doesn't necessarily mean that he's hearing it the way I need him to, does it?"

"No it doesn't. You might have to repeat yourself...or find a different way to explain it."

Her daughter sighed. "I feel so stupid tonight."

"You're not stupid, honey. It's worse."

"What could be worse?" Kate asked; her tone rising a bit.

Johanna smiled down at her. "You're in love...it has side effects and not all of them are pleasant."

A smile played on Kate's lips; "So what do I do about these side effects tonight?"

"Well, I've always found that a good cry helps...especially when I have someone volunteering a shoulder for it."

"I feel like I could cry some more, but I feel silly about it."

"We all feel silly about it but we do it anyway. Go ahead if you want to, it's good for you. It cleanses the soul. It'll be just between us. I won't tell anyone."

With that thought in mind, Kate finally gave in and allowed herself to cry the way she wanted to. When she was finished, her mother reached for the tissues on the nightstand and handed her a few. "Better?" Johanna asked as her daughter wiped her face.

She nodded. "A little."

"Good; see, it wasn't so silly after all."

Kate gave her a small smile and felt that a momentary change of topic was needed. "How are you doing with Dad's friend's being downstairs?" she asked gently.

Her mother sighed softly. "Okay, I guess."

"I hear you were goaded into going downstairs."

"Jeff called me chicken."

"What did you say to that?"

"I called him a jackass," Johanna replied.

Kate laughed. "That's my mother. How did it go when you got down there?"

"Everyone was kind...except maybe Phil. He was pretty cold, but I get it."

"I'm sorry."

Johanna shook her head. "It's okay. It could've gone worse."

"I don't think Dad would allow worse. Before I came upstairs he asked me if I needed him to take care of anything...and I'm sure he meant Castle. I almost cried then."

Her mother gave a soft laugh. "You're his baby girl, he's willingly to go to battle for you at any given moment. He did mention that it would be a shame though, since Rick is the only one of your boyfriends he's ever really liked."

She smiled. "In that case, I'll do my best to keep him around."

"I don't think you'll have any trouble keeping him around...as long as he gets that jackass gene under control. If he doesn't, he and I are going to have words."

"I think you could probably terrify him into staying on the straight and narrow if it came to it," Kate replied.

"You know it. Is there anything else I can do to make you feel better tonight, Katie?"

"Yeah; you can let me sleep in my old room."

Johanna looked at her. "Is that what you really want?"

She nodded. "Yeah...I just have a feeling he's going to show up at my door tonight and I'm just not ready to talk to him anymore tonight. I just need to take tonight and get my mind settled...and I figure this going to be the only place I can do it in peace."

"You're always welcome to stay, Katie. Did you bring anything with you or do you need to borrow something of mine to sleep in?"

"I keep clothes here."

"You do?"

"Yes; sometimes I'd come to visit Dad...and stay for the weekend."

"There's nothing wrong with that."

"And after my last apartment blew up I figured that it was best to keep some things here...and Lanie's...and Castle's...work...I have clothes all over this city."

"Better safe than sorry."

"My thoughts exactly; but anyway, everything I need is in my room in the dresser."

"Okay then. I dusted in there the other day but let me put some fresh sheets on your bed."

"I'm sure the ones that are on it are fine, Mom."

"It'll only take a few minutes; I can do it while you get ready for bed."

"I know better than to argue," Kate remarked as she shifted away from her mother so they both could get up.

"Good girl."

By the time Kate finished getting ready for bed and stepped into her old bedroom, Johanna was putting the pillow cases on the pillows. "I took some of your Advil," Kate told her.

"Headache?"

"Yeah, major headache."

Her mother nodded in sympathy. "I could make you a cup of tea; that's on my list of feel better remedies."

"Are you willing to brave the kitchen again for that?"

Johanna smiled. "For you, I'll brave it. I'll be back with it in a few minutes. You settle in."

Kate caught hold of her mother's arm before as she headed for the door and she wrapped her in a tight hug. "Thanks, Mom," she whispered.

"Anytime, sweetheart...but what do you want me to tell Rick if he calls looking for you?"

"I guess you can tell him that I'm here and that I'm asleep...and that Dad will hurt him if he comes knocking on the door at midnight."

A smile crossed her mother's lips. "Works for me. I'll be back with your tea."

Kate clicked on the television and settled into her old bed with a sigh...sometimes it was good to come home and lay your burdens at someone else's feet. Her heart was still heavy and her mind still full of things she didn't want to think about...but she felt a little better being there. There was love and security within those walls that she needed and she was glad that she hadn't fought that urge.

* * *

Johanna made the trek back to the kitchen more bravely this time, not bothering to hesitate as she stepped across the threshold and moved to the stove to put some water on to make Kate's cup of tea.

"Did Katie leave?" Jim asked.

"No…she's staying tonight."

His brow rose as she turned to regard him. "Is something wrong?"

She couldn't tell him the whole story in front of his guests so she improvised with a minor detail. "No, not really…she mentioned that she had a headache and she looked tired so I told her to just stay with us tonight instead of driving home. She took something for her headache and I'm getting her a cup of tea…I'm sure she'll feel better in the morning."

Jim read between the lines; there was a cause for the headache, she'd tell him later. He gave a nod as he played along. "I hope she isn't coming down with something."

"She's just tired," she assured while opening the cupboard door to get a tea bag. As she did so, a ring tone sounded at the table. "Red Alert! Red Alert!" it proclaimed and the men around the table groaned.

"What the hell is that?" Johanna demanded to know. "I've been hearing that all night!"

"It's the wife," Jeff answered as he hit ignore.

"Yeah, Jeff's wife does this all the time," Kevin remarked.

"What the hell is Melanie's problem?" she asked; "Beside the obvious that she was born with?"

"She's afraid Jeff might have fun without her," Zach spoke up.

"I think she's called more than usual tonight," Jim added as he shot his best friend a look.

"I know," Jeff replied. "I told her to knock it off but you know how she is."

"So what exactly is her problem?" Johanna inquired. "Is it like Zach says; she's afraid you might have fun and she isn't here to approve of it?"

"That…and you're here," Jeff answered.

"What do I have to do with anything?"

"She's still mad that I knew about you being here for months before she did, Sassy."

"Well tell her to get over it, I'm not the one who told you that I was here, Jim did."

"She knows that…but you know…you two girls always had a special relationship…"

Johanna's eyes narrowed. "Yeah it was special all right…I think it went something like she always wanted me to step aside so she could have my husband, and I always have the urge to punch her in her face."

Jeff nodded. "That sounds about right…although I'm sure there are other things in that mix too. Maybe we should all go out to dinner together, let you ladies get reacquainted."

"There are easier ways to get rid of your wife, Jeff. Just get a divorce," Johanna told him. "That way I won't have to go to jail."

"I'm not sure I follow," he said with a light laugh.

"If we go to dinner together, one of us might not make it back…and it's not going to be me."

"That could make things exciting. Come on Jo, you and Jim go out to dinner with us one night. I'll make her behave."

Phil scoffed. "Because you're so good at making her do what you want."

"Jeff, if you want to eat with me, you're more than welcome to drop by for dinner one night, we'll be glad to have you join us," Johanna replied.

"Okay; you think it over," he replied. "I'm sure Jim can talk you into it."

Her husband grinned at her as if he was considering taking on the challenge and she held his gaze. "Don't bet on it, Jim."

"Red Alert! Red Alert!" sounded through the room once more and Johanna marched to the table and held out her hand. "Give me that!" she demanded.

Jeff handed her the phone and she accepted the call. "Melanie, what the hell is your problem?" she asked.

"Who is this?" Melanie asked snidely.

"Take a wild guess," Johanna retorted.

Her nemesis scoffed. "Oh, it's the prodigal bitch."

If she hoped to throw her off her game, Melanie was sadly mistaken. "That's right, Melanie; the bitch is back in town...and I see nothing's changed much; you're still a man chasing slut always out to add to your collection of husbands so you can afford all of those botox injections and nose jobs."

Kevin and Craig looked at Jim wide eyed and he smiled. "She's just getting started," he whispered.

"At least I divorce my husbands instead of running out on them," Melanie retorted.

"I didn't run out on my husband; but I don't expect you to understand the complexity of the situation…after all, learning to spell a new last name every few years is already taxing enough for your brain."

"I think we should play here all the time," Zach whispered. "We get a floor show here along with the game."

"I'll thank you to…"

"No, I'll thank you to quit calling my house," Johanna interrupted.

"I'm not calling your house, I'm calling my husband!"

"Are you bleeding?" she asked her.

"No."

"Are you sick or injured?"

"No."

"Is there a fire?"

"No."

"Has someone died?"

"No," Melanie answered tartly.

"Then you don't need to call here every ten minutes for what is clearly nothing and just for the record, his phone is inside my house, so therefore when you call his number, you're calling my house. Let the man have a few hours peace, Melanie. He's not doing anything except playing cards. He's not at a strip club, he's not picking up prostitutes, he's not gambling away his life savings. He's being properly chaperoned and I assure you that he'll be home later tonight. Now quit calling here."

"I'll call as many times as I want and I don't care if you like it or not!"

"You can call but you won't get through, I'm taking his phone until the game is over and I'm turning it off. You're being a damn nuisance and there's no reason for it."

"One day, Johanna," Melanie proclaimed. "One day."

"One day what?"

"One day we'll meet again…and I'm going to tell you a few things miss high and mighty."

Johanna smiled. "You already missed your first opportunity, Melanie. Do you remember when you saw my daughter at Macy's a few months ago?"

"Yes."

"I was standing right behind her at that rack of the clothes."

"No you weren't!"

"Oh yes I was; I heard every single word, and let me tell you something, Melanie; because I don't have to wait for one day and I don't care that everyone in this room is going to hear it. You don't need to worry about my husband; I'll worry about him. You worry about yourself…and what I'm capable of doing to you if you don't mind your manners. Now if you're feeling brave and want to take a leap, you come on over…I'll be here waiting."

"Go to hell, Johanna."

"I've already been to hell, Melanie. Why don't you go this time?"

With that said, she ended the call and turned off Jeff's phone. "I'm sorry, Jeff; I still hate your wife," she told him as she caught his eye. "And I'm sorry that I'm confiscating your phone like you're back in school but it's the only way you're going to enjoy yourself."

He gave her a smile; his eyes dancing in amusement. "That's okay, Sassy; I don't mind you taking my phone, and the war between you and Melanie has been raging for a long time. I might have to sleep on the couch tonight, but I don't mind."

She patted his shoulder. "Well, Jeff; if it gets too bad at home, we still have one room available tonight."

Johanna glanced to her husband and saw the warmth in his gaze. She smiled in response and then moved back to the stove to finish making Kate's tea.

* * *

Johanna didn't exactly relish abandoning her spot next to her daughter to make a return trip to the kitchen but it was approaching 11:30 and the group downstairs showed no signs of disbanding and her daughter was falling asleep on her anyway. It was time to remind the men that they had to work in the morning and that they had wives to go home to tonight. In the case of her own husband, it was a reminder that she was ready to go to bed and would sleep better if he was next to her. She also had to give Jeff back his phone. The chair Jim was sitting in kept his back toward the doorway of the kitchen, and as she entered, she gave in to the urge to walk up behind him and wrap her arms around him. As she brushed her lips against his temple, she hoped he wouldn't mind the display of affection.

Jim leaned his head back against her as he craned his neck to smile up at her. "Did you get bored?"

"No. Are you winning?"

"A little," he replied.

Johanna loosened her hold but her arms remained draped loosely over his shoulders. "It's getting late…when are you boys going to call it a night? I don't want phone calls from disgruntled wives."

"As soon as we finish this hand, Sassy," Jeff remarked.

Craig cast a quick glance at his watch. "Damn it is getting late."

"I guess everyone's past their curfew," Johanna quipped as she pulled Jeff's phone from her pocket and laid it on the table.

"Don't run off," Jim said as he caught her hand and tugged her down onto his lap.

"Don't you help him, Johanna," Zach teased.

"I wouldn't dream of it," she replied as she settled more comfortably against her husband to watch the last hand play out.

Jim ended up the victor of the final hand and as he gathered up his winnings he took the good natured ribbing that he had only kept Johanna in the room to be his good luck charm. His eyes danced with amusement as he handed his wife a five dollar bill from his winnings. "Here, you buy yourself something pretty with that."

"Oh wow! Now I can buy that bottle of nail polish I've always wanted," she replied with sarcastic excitement.

"Only the best for you, sweetheart."

She rose from her place on his lap as the men around the table gathered up their belongings. Jim kept hold of her hand, subtly dragging her with him to see off their guests. Craig and Kevin were the first ones out the door after saying goodnight. Zach came next, pausing in front of her as she stood next to Jim. He surprised her by reaching for her hand and giving it a friendly pat. "Welcome home, Jo."

"Thank you," she replied with a soft smile. "Come back soon, Zach."

He smiled and nodded as he released her hand and then said goodnight to both of them. Phil came next, saying goodnight to Jim and ignoring her completely until Jim shot him a warning look. Phil then turned his head in her direction and gave her a terse nod. "Johanna."

"Goodnight, Phil," she replied. "Tell Sharon I said hello."

"Yeah I'll do that," he remarked as he headed for the door.

She figured that Sharon wasn't likely to receive the message but she brushed those thoughts aside as Jeff appeared in front of her, an impish grin on his lips. "Do you still love me, Sassy?"

The corners of her mouth lifted in a smile despite her efforts to remain stoic. "Oh I suppose so…even if you didn't uphold your end of the bargain."

"What are you talking about?"

"You said if I came downstairs you'd lick yourself to find out what jackass tasted like," she reminded him.

Jeff laughed. "No; I said I might."

"Can you prove that? Because I was under the impression that we had a deal."

Jeff grinned. "Well I figured maybe you'd tell me what jackass tastes like…you kiss Jim all the time," he said; shooting his best friend a teasing glance.

"Don't put me in a class with you," Jim replied with a laugh.

"That's right," Johanna agreed. "And for all I know, jackass could be like potato chips; there could be a variety of flavors."

"Well I don't want it said that I reneged on a deal with a lady," Jeff remarked. He raised his arm and licked his wrist. "Hmm…I have to say that in my opinion, jackass is mighty tasty."

She laughed. "Somehow I knew that's the answer I'd get."

He chuckled and then pulled her into a hug. "You have to keep trying, Sassy," he murmured.

"I know."

Jeff pressed a kiss to her cheek and then released her and turned to his best friend for a few more teasing jabs before saying goodnight. With all their guests gone, Jim turned towards his wife with a smile. "Go on up, sweetheart; I'll take care of things down here."

She brushed her hand along his arm in a caress and then headed for the stairs so she could get ready for bed.

* * *

"Did the game run late?" Sharon Harper asked as her husband entered their bedroom.

"Yeah, I guess we lost track of time. You didn't have to wait up," Phil answered as he walked to her side of the bed and brushed a kiss against her lips.

"I don't mind. How did you do?"

"I won a few dollars, but nothing worth bragging about," he smiled before crossing the room to the dresser so he could get ready for bed.

Sharon was quiet for a moment as she broached the question she had been waiting to ask for the last hour. "Did you see Johanna?"

"Yeah, I saw her."

"How is she?"

"She looked okay to me. She hid upstairs most of the night. Jim's concerned about her desire to stay hidden away in the house and away from most of the human race. Personally I think he ought to let her, at least then he'll know where she is."

Sharon frowned. "That doesn't sound like the Johanna I know."

"Who says you ever really knew her to begin with?" Phil said as he changed his shirt.

She refused to believe that everything she knew about her friend had been a lie. She was positive that she had known Johanna in every way a best friend could. Yes, she was hurt and blindsided about the circumstances of the past thirteen years but that didn't mean that she didn't know her. Their friendship hadn't been one big lie…and no one would ever convince her that it had been. "Did you talk to her?"

"As little as possible," he replied. "I don't have anything to say to her. She did ask about you though; I told her you were fine, all things considered. She also asked about Molly and wanted to see a picture of her. I told her that Molly was fine too and that I didn't have any pictures."

Sharon narrowed her eyes at her husband. "You have at least ten pictures of Molly on your phone; you could've shown her one. She is Molly's godmother."

"We should've picked my cousin for the job or one of your sisters."

"I did pick my sister, I picked Johanna," she retorted; a glimmer of tears in her eyes.

Phil sighed as he settled into his spot. "I know…but I just didn't want anything to do with her and that's why I didn't show her Molly's picture. I can't just act like she didn't hurt so many people."

"Phil…don't make it harder on her than it already is."

"Why not?" he asked. "Why should anyone make it easy for her? She did it. All of the people that loved her and respected her would've done everything they could to protect her. Why didn't she just drop the case? Why didn't she just start running her mouth? They couldn't kill everyone. She would've had power in numbers. She could've quit her job and went out to California with Katie for a few months until she was off of their radar. She probably could've done a lot of things…but she didn't, did she?"

A protective instinct welled up within her. "Maybe she didn't have time to drop the case, Phil. Maybe she already knew too much. Maybe she was scared when the FBI came to her and told her that they knew there was a hit out on her…she had to be terrified! Do I wish she had told us so we could help her? Yes, I wish she had…but maybe she was too afraid to talk…maybe they did convince her that she'd be putting everyone she loved in danger if she didn't do what they asked. I hurt over what she's done…but at least she's alive…and I have a pretty good idea how you treated her tonight, Phil; and don't you ever go into her home and disrespect her like that. You don't have to like her or what she's done…but you don't treat her like a wad of gum you stepped in out on the sidewalk, especially in her own home! You wouldn't like it if Jim came into our home and acted that way toward me, so don't you do it to his wife."

Her husband nodded. "I will treat her with the utmost respect when I am in her home. Sharon…if you want to pick up the phone tomorrow and call Johanna and go back to being the best of friends with her, go ahead. I'll never stand in your way. Johanna was in your life long before I was and I know she was the best friend you ever had and that you love her. If you want to be her friend again, that's your choice and I'll respect it. I can tolerate her for you, just like I'll tolerate her for Jim. It's up to you."

Sharon sighed heavily; she knew it was up to her, she'd never allow her husband to dictate who her friends were…but she was still torn on the topic. She wanted to call her…but she just didn't know if she should.

* * *

"How's Katie?" Jim asked as he entered their bedroom.

"Asleep," Johanna replied as she made herself comfortable. "I looked in on her to see if she needed anything and she was out of it."

"So what's going on tonight?" he questioned as he settled in next to her.

She quietly explained things without giving away too much of her conversation with Kate; not wanting to violate her trust or privacy. Her husband seemed to understand and he didn't press for more. "I'm sure they'll work it out," he murmured.

"He might just have to suffer a little first," she replied before accepting Jim's kiss goodnight.

Johanna was about to turn out the light on her nightstand when her phone rang. She sighed. "I swear, people are out to torment me today," she remarked as she reached for the phone. Castle's name was flashing on the screen and she reluctantly accepted the call.

"Rick, do you know what time it is?" she asked.

"Yes, and I'm sorry," he answered. "Have you seen Kate?"

"Yes I have."

"Is she there?" he inquired; trying hard to act as though nothing was amiss although he was sure Johanna already knew all about it.

"Yes, she's here."

"Can I talk to her? I tried her number but she's not answering."

"I can't imagine why that is," she replied, a touch of sarcasm in her voice. "Can you?"

Castle sighed. "That's why I've been waiting for her to come home, so we can discuss it and get it over with."

"Rick; you still know nothing about women it seems. We don't just get over something in an hour; you should know that. After all you have a mother and a daughter…you've had a couple wives. You should probably know by now that we require a cooling off period; we're more inclined to listen once we've had a little time."

"I don't really want a lecture, Johanna. I just want to talk to Kate. Can you please give her your phone?"

"Katie's asleep."

"Why don't I believe that?"

"I don't know why, but I'm not lying to you and I resent the accusation. She's tired and she took something for her headache and went to bed. I just looked in on her a few minutes ago to see if she needed anything and she was sound asleep, and before you ask, no, I'm not waking her. She has to work in the morning, she needs her rest."

"I see," he remarked curtly.

"I'm not sure you do," she commented. "I have no reason to lie to you. If she simply didn't want to speak to you, I'd say so. I think you'd benefit from a cooling off period yourself."

"There shouldn't be any need of a cooling off period; I didn't do anything!"

"Now that's where you're wrong," Johanna replied. "You made a date with another woman while your girlfriend stood backstage watching it happen on a tv screen. That was your first mistake. Your second mistake is something I talked to you about before; you know that thing about how you're always trying to justify your actions instead of taking a moment to put yourself in her shoes and think about how she feels?"

"I was just doing what she wanted," he remarked.

"When she talked about keeping your relationship private, did she specifically say 'go out with other women'?"

"No, but…"

"But nothing! You knew it was wrong and you did it anyway and it blew up in your face and now you have to take a consequence for it. She has a right to be mad and you don't get to take that right away from her just because you use the excuse that you did it or her; because that isn't what she wanted at all; no woman would! I think you'd benefit from a cooling off period of your own so you can think about this from both sides, not just yours."

"Like you're thinking about both sides and not just your daughter's?" he asked, sarcasm in his tone.

"Hey; I thought about your side and all I could see was a flashing neon sign that said 'Being an idiot, be back in awhile'. Take a night to think things over, Rick; try again tomorrow when you have a clear head."

"Thanks for the support, Johanna."

"Hey; it's after midnight; my support hours are from 8am-10pm unless you're related by blood. It's been a long day; Jim had guests over this evening that I had to play hostess to. I had to chaperone them from afar, be a consoling mother, tuck Katie in, tell off a bimbo, shoo Jim's friends home to their wives and now here you are, acting like you're the scorned party in a situation that you made for yourself. And really, Rick; you had to have known it wasn't the best idea…and you had to know that as her mother and a woman, that I wasn't going to side with you. My day is at an end now, I'm tired and I want to go to sleep. Go cool off and think of a better tactic to use on Katie. I'll tell her you called when I see her in the morning."

"You've been no help at all but I appreciate that you'll tell her I called."

"No problem," Johanna replied as she softened her tone. "Goodnight, Rick. Remember what I said and give things some serious thought, without your justifications factored in."

"I'll do that," he told her, trying to keep his tone from sounding too terse. "Goodnight."

Johanna disconnected the call and turned out her light and then slid towards her husband, making herself comfortable against his chest. "I'm having flashbacks to the teen years…'No, Katie can't come to the phone right now'," she recalled from memory; "Seems like I fielded a lot of her calls back then too."

Jim laughed softly as his fingers threaded through her hair. "At least you can be assured that it won't happen as often now."

"That's true."

It was quiet for a few minutes and he felt her body relaxing and knew that she'd soon be asleep. "It wasn't my idea for Jeff to call you," he murmured.

"I know."

His fingers continued moving through her hair in a soothing motion. "You did fine…they were glad to see you."

"Not all of them."

"Phil will come around."

"It doesn't matter," she whispered. "Get some sleep, you have to work tomorrow."

"Goodnight, sweetheart."

"Goodnight."

Jim laid awake for awhile after Johanna had fallen asleep. His mind was still trying to come up with a way that would supply his wife with more friends but so far he was coming up empty and he hated that feeling. He just hoped he wasn't the only man in the city laying awake…he hoped Richard Castle was laying awake somewhere thinking of a way to put the smile back on Kate's face, because if he wasn't, they just might have a problem. He breathed deeply and exhaled slowly; he was getting tired of the way things were. He didn't like his wife being treated like an outcast and he didn't like his daughter's affections being trifled with. Jeff was right, he might have to take some training and amass an arsenal…where his daughter was concerned, it might take more than just a shotgun to scare her writer back onto the right path if need be. He'd need something special for that. He'd probably need a grenade to get things straightened out for Johanna. Jim sighed; he used to go to sleep with better thoughts. Hopefully tomorrow would be better for all of them.


	7. Chapter 7

_Author's Note: Thanks for your reviews. A good bit of new material in this chapter! I'm going to hold off posting the next chapter for about two weeks so if anyone needs to catch up they can. I know some of you are waiting on The Visitors and Reflections; I promise I'll get them updated as soon as possible; at the moment the words aren't coming together the way I want but I'll get things straightened out, just bear with me._

Chapter 7- Try

" _You got to get up and try,try try"-Pink_

"It must've gotten cold last night," Kate remarked as she entered the kitchen the next morning, tugging at the cuffs of the long sleeved shirt she had been thankful to find in the dresser in her old room.

"Yeah, I always know when the weather changes," Jim remarked. "I wake up with your mother wrapped around my back like a koala bear in a tree."

Johanna smirked at him from her place at the stove. "I didn't hear any complaints…at least not until you told me to move."

"I made you move so I could get up and turn the heat on. I know how sensitive you ladies are to a little bit of cold air."

"Hey, I'm not as bad as her," Kate remarked while she grabbed a mug from the cupboard and poured herself a cup of coffee. "But it was a little chilly in here when I woke up."

"At least it's starting to feel better now," Johanna replied as she flipped pancakes. "Katie, that shirt is wrinkled; you can't wear that to work."

"It's not that bad," she replied. "My jacket will cover it."

"Let me iron it."

"I don't have time for that; I'll be late and besides, my car is blocking Dad's."

"He can wait," Johanna stated. "Or you can go upstairs and borrow something out of my closet…I can't let you go to work in wrinkled clothes."

Kate rolled her eyes. "I feel like I should be doing algebra homework and being threatened about being grounded."

Jim grinned at her as he glanced up from the newspaper. "Would you like me to threaten you for old time's sake?"

"No thanks, I still have clear memories of those occasions."

"I was hoping they'd leave a lasting impression," he replied; "And you may as well go take a tour of your mother's closet because you know she's not letting you out of here in that shirt."

"Fine, I'll save myself an argument and borrow something. Is there anything on your 'No you can't borrow that' list, Mom?"

Johanna shook her head. "No; not in the long sleeve department. Hurry up; breakfast will be ready in a few minutes."

While Kate was upstairs, Johanna finished the cooking and filled their plates with pancakes, sausages and scrambled eggs. She carried the plates to the table and then refilled Jim's cup of coffee.

"You didn't offer your assistance this morning," she said to her husband.

Jim smiled. "Well you seemed to be in your element and I didn't want to disturb it."

"Is that the story you're sticking to?" she teased.

"Yes."

She took her place at the table just as Kate returned to the kitchen. "I can't promise you're ever getting this shirt back," she stated as she caught her mother's eye.

"Why?"

"Because I like it," she answered; her fingertips rubbing against the royal blue material. "It's so soft. Where did you get it?"

"Macy's; you can keep it. I have two more in different colors. I'll get you another one the next time I go there."

"You don't have to do that."

"It's not a problem," Johanna remarked and then she smiled brightly as she eyed her husband and daughter. "Isn't this nice?"

"What?" Kate asked; her fork sinking into a piece of pancake.

"That we're all here together, sharing a meal," her mother answered.

Her daughter paused. "Is this a guilt thing?"

Johanna's smile faded. "No, I was merely saying that it's nice to have you at the table. Just because you're grown up doesn't mean I don't like to share a meal with you."

"We've shared a lot of meals together in the last several months."

"But not recently. I'm glad to have you here and I'm sure your father is too," Johanna remarked as she flicked Jim's newspaper that he was still reading. "Isn't that right, Jim?"

"Yes, dear," he answered.

Kate laughed. "He still does that automatic 'yes dear' thing when you flick his newspaper and say his name."

"Yeah, it's wonderful, isn't it?"

"You're big on that 'isn't it' question this morning, aren't you?" her daughter asked.

Johanna smirked. "I'm happy to be with my family, sue me."

It grew quiet between them as they ate, the rustling of the newspaper filling the silence until Johanna spoke once again. "How are you feeling this morning, Katie?"

"Better," she replied.

"That's good. Rick called last night but you were already asleep."

Kate shifted in her chair. "What did he say?"

Her mother relayed the entire conversation and then gave her an encouraging smile. "Don't worry, you'll work it out."

"I hope so."

"You listen to your mother," Jim remarked. "She knows what she's talking about."

"Oh look, there really was something hiding behind that newspaper," Kate said as she caught her mother's eye.

Johanna grinned. "It's a miracle."

"The miracle would've been having bacon on the plate," Jim commented. "I thought that since Katie was here you'd consider it a special occasion and serve bacon."

His wife patted his hand. "It is a special occasion, but I'm sure Katie understands that I've cut back on your bacon intake."

"I bet she's disappointed," he commented.

"No, actually I'm not," their daughter replied. "I'm not in a bacon kind of mood."

Jim nodded. "Just be that way then; take your mother's side, you always do."

"That's what women do, Dad."

"I've noticed."

Johanna enjoyed the easy conversation that they shared as they ate their meal, and when they got up from the table and both husband and daughter got ready to leave, she had to force away the sadness she felt at being left behind. "Are those my boots?" she asked as she watched Kate carry her plate to the sink.

Kate's gaze dropped to her feet and then back to her mother's face. "Well you said nothing was on the don't borrow list...and they looked lonely."

"Uh huh; and you thought I wouldn't notice that they were gone?"

"I highly doubted it; after all, I did make it all the way to Stanford with a pair of your sandals once."

"I just let you think that I didn't know that you had shoved them into your suitcase," Johanna replied.

"Those aren't your new boots," Jim declared as he studied the pair that adorned Kate's feet.

"You have new ones?" Kate asked, her eyes lighting up.

"Yes I do and no you can't borrow them...you've had your shop in Mom's closet experience for today."

"I'll bring these back."

Johanna smiled. "Yeah, I heard that about my sandals when I finally asked you about it. I'm still waiting."

Her daughter grinned. "Hey, I actually still have those sandals."

"I'm glad someone does."

"I'll bring the boots back," Kate laughed.

"Sure you will, but just in case; if you have to shoot someone, make sure you don't get their blood on my boots. It isn't easy to get stains out of suede," Johanna remarked.

"I'll do my best," she replied as she stepped forward and hugged her mother. "I have to get going, thanks for breakfast...and for last night."

"Anytime, Katie. Everything will be fine, you and Rick have a strong relationship, you'll get through this. Be careful, I love you."

"I will be. I love you too," Kate answered before kissing her cheek and then moving to her father and doing the same. "See you later," she called out on her way to the door. "Call if you need me."

"Same to you, Katie," Johanna responded. "Have a good day."

Her daughter smiled and exited the house. Johanna turned in just in time to find herself in her husband's arms and he smiled down at her. "You finally got her to the table," Jim commented lightly.

She laughed softly. "More like Rick did; she wouldn't have been here if they hadn't had a fight."

"The how doesn't matter; what matters is that she was here."

"True; and just like old times, when she left the house, a small portion of my closet went with her."

"Well sweetheart, when you told her to take a shirt, you should've anticipated that a pair of shoes would go with it," he grinned. "Just think of it as her carrying a piece of you with her all day long."

She smiled. "I kind of like that."

"I aim to please," he replied. "I better get going too. Call if you need me."

"I will," she promised. "You have a good day."

Jim kissed her. "I'll do my best. I love you."

"I love you too."

"Lock the door; I'll see you later."

She followed him to the door and locked it behind him; a part of her feeling abandoned. Johanna forced herself to shake that thought away. Jim would be home later and Kate would probably call sometime through the day, she wasn't abandoned...but she suddenly felt lonely. She sighed; she better make herself busy so that feeling would go away.

* * *

Kate sat at her desk later that morning, trying to keep her mind focused but her thoughts kept drifting to Castle and their fight. She briefly thought about calling him but then decided against it. He'd come in on his own if he wanted to…or she'd wait until they had a case and then call him. But what if they didn't get a case? Kate frowned; everything always had to be so damn complicated, especially when a relationship was involved. Sometimes she couldn't help but wonder why people even bothered with them…but she knew the answer to that. Everyone needed someone to love…and everyone needed to be needed by someone; and maybe she was needier than she had thought.

Her frown deepened at that notion. Neediness was one of her mother's habits; and while she knew that Johanna controlled that habit to the best of her ability, there were times when it shown through; like that morning when she couldn't conceal her glee at finally having her daughter back at the table. A soft sigh crossed Kate's lips, she didn't want that particular habit of her mother's…and she didn't want to think about that niggle of guilt she had felt when she saw how happy her mother was to share a meal with her. She wasn't sure why she kept turning down those invitations for dinner; she knew the excuses for it and while she wouldn't say that those excuses didn't hold any merit, she knew that there was something deeper. Was there still a part of her that was afraid to get too close to her mother? It was ridiculous, she was already close…but there was still fear. Fear of losing her mother. Fear of losing Castle.

In the case of her mother, she tended to pull back. In the case of Castle…apparently she became all the things she hated to be; needy, jealous, and insecure. She wasn't good at this stuff…that's why it never worked out. That was a depressing thought, she mused. She wondered if maybe smacking her head off the desk would knock her brain into a better position, but knowing her luck, it would only lead to Gates sending her back to therapy and taking away her gun.

A coffee cup suddenly appeared in front of her and Kate glanced up at the unamused face of Richard Castle. She wanted to squirm under his intense gaze but managed not to. "Thank you," she murmured.

Castle tried to think of something neutral to say but his mouth betrayed him and out slipped the words he hadn't meant to say aloud. "Don't you think it's kind of cliché to run home to your mother?"

The remark carried the sting of a slap and her eyes jerked back to his face. "Excuse me?"

He shrugged. "I think you heard me."

"Yeah, I heard you all right and I think we better get that straight. I didn't run home to my mother."

"What do you call it?"

"I call it visiting my family and I don't need your permission to do that."

"Funny how you only decide to visit when you're avoiding me," he replied.

"I can visit my mother any time I want, Castle."

"I bet you told her all about it, didn't you?"

"What if I did talk to her about how I felt?" she asked tersely. "Am I not allowed to confide in someone other than you? Should I stop talking to her? Should I stop talking to Lanie too? I confide in her too, you know."

"You could've just talked to me about it."

"I didn't want to talk to you last night. I was mad at you...what part of that didn't you get?"

"Oh I got it; I also got that you didn't want to work it out. You just wanted to run instead."

"You should know me well enough by now to know that I wasn't just going to get over it in an hour, Castle."

"I knew you wouldn't be over it in an hour. I just didn't realize that you'd go spend the night elsewhere so that you could avoid the issue."

Kate closed her eyes, frustration making her jaw tighten. "First of all, if I don't want to go home, I don't have to. Second, I stayed away from my apartment because I knew you weren't going to let me alone last night. I needed time, Rick," she whispered sharply.

"Time to run home to your mother instead of just dealing with it with me."

"Leave her out of it! You act like she kidnapped me or demanded that I spill my guts to her. I went there because I knew you wouldn't come beating on their door. Yes, I talked to my mother...because I felt like a fool, Castle. I felt like the biggest fool and I needed to talk to someone about it; someone who had distance from the situation and looks at both sides. You act like it's such a bad thing, but let me tell you something, when I do confide in her about something that's bothering me, she not only tells me it's okay for me to feel the way I do; she also makes me accept my part of the blame and makes me admit to why I did what I did...and that can only benefit you, Castle; and if you think for one minute that I believe that you never talk about us with someone else, then you're crazy. I think you probably tell Martha plenty when the mood strikes you."

She had him there, he thought to himself. There were times when he unburdened himself to his mother.

"And another thing," Kate stated quietly. "Don't judge me for going to my mother's house when you live with your mother!"

"I don't live with my mother; my mother lives with me."

She smirked at him. "It doesn't matter, she's still with you every day."

"Fine, I'll concede that point to you."

"How gracious of you."

Castle exhaled heavily. "Kate...I just didn't want this to be a big thing."

"How could it not be, Rick?" she asked softly.

"I don't know...I just wanted to make it go away and I sat in your apartment all night waiting for you, worrying that something had happened to you and yet at the same time knowing that you were just hiding out somewhere. I finally tracked you down only to be told that you were asleep."

"I was; she didn't lie to you."

"She told you that I called?"

"Of course she did, she told me all about it...and don't take her tone from that call personally, Castle. She was dealing with her own stuff last night and she was tired."

"I figured that out after awhile," he replied. "I just don't want it to be this way, Kate. I..."

"I know...but this isn't really the place to discuss it," she answered; subtly glancing around the room to see if anyone had picked up on their intense conversation despite the low tones of their voices.

"You're right, it's not the right place...so what is?"

Kate was quiet for a minute and then held his gaze. "I'll be home tonight."

"Does that mean I have to leave now?"

"No, Castle...not unless you want to."

"Do I ever want to?"

"I hope not," she whispered.

He shook his head. "I don't...and that's something you should know by now."

"Sometimes you have to check on things like that to be sure."

He nodded in understanding. "I'm sorry for what I said about running home to your mother. You're right, we all need someone to talk to sometimes...and even if it didn't seem like it, I am glad that you have her, Kate."

"I know; it's okay."

"So what do we do now?" he asked; "Since we're putting our discussion on hold?"

She gave him a hint of a smile. "I guess you do what you always do; stare at me while I do paperwork until I yell at you to stop...and then you'll pull out your phone and play one of your games and then you'll start writing down plot points for the book and then you'll go back to staring again and the cycle will repeat unless we get a case."

He grinned. "You're observant."

"That's why I have the shiny Detective's badge."

"I still think I should have a badge."

"It's not happening, Castle; give it up."

"Never," he remarked. "Anything is possible."

Kate sighed. "That's not exactly an adage I'm fond of these days."

"Why?"

"Obvious reasons, I should think. There are some things that I don't want to be possible."

Castle read between the lines and caught her meaning. She didn't want any possibility of Bracken beating his charges and the cycle starting over. "Don't worry; I'm sure there are some things that aren't possible at all."

"At least we hope not," she murmured.

* * *

Johanna had just finished putting away the vacuum, her housework finished when a knock sounded at the front door. A tremor of nervousness shot through her and she touched her pocket to make sure her phone was there before she cautiously moved in the direction of the door. An unexpected visitor didn't necessarily mean trouble, she told herself as another knock sounded, the last time it had been Frankie at her door and that had been a nice surprise. Surely it wouldn't be anything bad…there hadn't been any reporters around. It would be fine. She blew out a breath and pulled back the curtain on the window of the door to peer out. There was a young woman standing on the porch, weighted down with a purse and diaper bag, her attention for the moment on the baby carrier she was holding. She looked harmless enough from what she could see of her, but then her visitor glanced up from the carrier and Johanna realized that the woman looked like her sister. It wasn't of course, she told herself as she began releasing the locks, but there was someone else she knew that had Colleen's hair and eye color and most of her features…and that was Colleen's daughter Samantha.

"Aunt Jo?" the woman said, hesitation and worry in her voice as the door cracked open.

"Samantha?" Johanna asked softly; wanting to be sure that she had the right niece…after all, her sister did have two daughters and it had been awhile.

Samantha smiled. "Yeah…I hope you don't mind me stopping by; I would've called first but I didn't know how to get a hold of you and neither did Lindsey. Are you busy?"

"No, I'm not busy," she answered, pushing the door open wider. "Come on in, it's good to see you."

Johanna didn't miss the relieved look that passed across her niece's features. "I would've come sooner to see you," Samantha remarked as she stepped inside "But I've been a little busy," she said with a nod at the carrier. "I thought you might like to meet your nephew though."

A smile spread across Johanna's face as she peeked inside the carrier at the newborn baby boy who was tucked beneath a couple of blue receiving blankets, sleeping peacefully. "He's precious," she murmured, her fingers reaching out to stroke his soft cheek.

"I think so too," Samantha replied; "But I'm biased."

"No one can blame you for that," she told her. "Come sit down."

Her niece followed her into the living room and sat down the baby carrier and then her purse and diaper bag before moving toward her aunt, arms open for a hug. Johanna hugged her tightly. "It's so good to see you," she told her.

"It's good to see you too," Samantha replied as she released her. "How are you doing?"

She sighed a little. "I'm okay; some days are easier than others but I'm just thankful to finally be home."

"I'm glad you're home too."

Johanna smiled and settled down on the opposite end of the sofa as her niece bent down to unbuckle the baby from his carrier. "I didn't know you had a baby, Sammi. I've talked to your uncle Frankie and Valerie a good bit and neither one of them had mentioned anything."

"They probably don't know," Samantha remarked as she carefully picked up her son. "Do you want to hold him?"

"Of course I want to hold him," she replied, shifting closer so that the baby could be placed in her arms. She smiled down at his sleeping face and then brushed a kiss against his tuft of soft dark hair. "What's his name?"

"Dylan Jacob."

"That's a cute name," Johanna said, her fingers curling softly around his tiny hand. "How old is he?"

"Three weeks."

"Three weeks," she repeated her eyes still on the baby. "My goodness, you're brand new."

"I'm still amazed," Samantha said softly. "It felt like he'd never get here and now that he is, I still can't quite believe it."

"I remember that feeling well," she replied. "He's a beautiful baby, Sammi."

"Thank you," she said softly; a bright smile of maternal pride spreading across her lips.

"Why wouldn't your aunt and uncle know about the baby?" Johanna asked, shifting a bit to be more comfortable as she kept the baby cradled in her arms.

"It's a long story. Before I forget, Lindsey says hello and sends her love. Once I have your number I'll give it to her so she can call and I'm sure she'll be over to visit sometime soon. Like I said, I would've called first before dropping by but I didn't know how to get a hold of you and I lost Katie's number when I had to replace my phone a few months ago. I didn't know if it would cause problems to call her at work or not. Lindsey asked Mom if she had your number and she blew a gasket."

Her niece was avoiding something, Johanna thought to herself but she'd get it out of her soon enough. "Your mother wasn't thrilled with the news that I'm still alive," she remarked.

"I've heard," Samantha replied. "But if it makes you feel any better, Lindsey and I were happy to hear it."

She nodded. "That does make me feel better and it's alright that you came over without calling; I'm usually always here. I will make sure you have my number though; I want you to call or come by whenever you want."

The younger woman smiled. "I've missed you."

"I missed you too…and I'm sorry about having to basically lie to so many people for so long. I never wanted to hurt anyone…there just wasn't any other way," Johanna said quietly.

"I know," Samantha assured. "And it's alright; you did the right thing. I'm not mad at you, neither is my sister. Mom's just being herself…and believe me, no one is president of her fan club; except maybe Brandon and Philip; those pansy ass mama's boys."

Johanna laughed softly. "Is that any way to talk about your brothers?"

"Yes," she replied with a nod. "They disgust me."

"They're my nephews and I love them…but they always did seem to take after your father and his brother Henry."

"Don't even get me started on Uncle Henry," Samantha said; a look of disgust on her face. "I can not stand that man."

"I never could either…can you believe that he kept asking me out while your parents were engaged," she said with a laugh. "That was never going to happen…not even if hell froze over and pigs began to fly."

"He must've been out of his mind to think that you'd go out with him," Samantha laughed. "You have taste."

"I had to spell it out for him; he finally got the hint…which is lucky for him because my next option was to punch him."

"You should've punched him."

Johanna grinned. "I was tempted to punch a lot of people during that time period of your parents engagement and wedding…your mother included. In fact the night before her wedding, we had a little slap fest."

"Did anyone get pictures of that?" Samantha asked. "Because I'd love to see it. Please tell me you won."

"I'm pretty sure I won," Johanna remarked. "Your grandfather pulled me off of her. I had enough of her crap and let her have it."

"Good for you…someone should let her have it again; she needs it."

"How does my sister like being a grandmother?" she asked; the concept nearly unfathomable.

"In her mind she isn't a grandmother," Samantha answered. "She's never even seen Dylan."

Surprise flicked across her features. "Why not?"

"Because Mom and Dad have disowned us."

"Disowned you?" Johanna repeated, taking note of the sadness in the young woman's eyes despite the smile on her lips. "Why on earth would they do that? What's wrong, honey?"

A shimmer of tears appeared in Samantha's eyes. "Well for starters, Dylan's last name is Weston…I'm not married."

Johanna shrugged. "So? You don't have to be married to have a baby; that's common these days. You don't have to be married for the baby to have his father's name instead of yours."

"His father doesn't want him to have his name."

"Oh?"

Samantha nodded. "It's a long story."

"I've got time."

"I was with a man named Derek," Samantha began. "He was a wonderful man; at least so I thought. For two years we were very happy together; I figured that we'd eventually get married, but that's not going to happen. Anyway, Mom and Dad have always hated him from day one."

"Why?"

Samantha sighed. "Well, Dad's always been a stuck up snob and he didn't like him because Derek's a certified mechanic. That's how I met him; he did work on my car. In Dad's opinion, mechanics are beneath the Westons."

"Everyone is beneath the Westons in his mind; I'm surprised my sister was good enough for him."

"They deserve each other," Samantha said, a touch of bitterness in her voice. "As for Mom, I guess she always disliked him because he didn't suck up to her and pay her a bunch of false compliments. It didn't matter much to me though; I loved him and I thought he loved me so I didn't worry much about it although I did get tired of their constant harping that I should find someone better so I quit going around as much. For two years we were happy…and then I found out I was pregnant."

Johanna sensed the impending heartache and she reached for her niece's hand. "He wasn't happy about it?"

"Far from happy," she replied. "As soon as the stick turned blue he was looking for the exit. He told me he didn't like kids and he didn't want any, that's why he doesn't see the kid he has in Vermont…which I knew nothing about. He told me…"

"He told you what?" Johanna asked, seeing her swallow hard.

"He told me to get rid of it."

She looked down at the baby in her arms as she cuddled him closer without thought, protectiveness welling up within her. "How could he say that about his own child?" she murmured.

"I don't know," Samantha whispered as a tear broke free. "But I couldn't do that…I loved him from the moment I knew he was there. I could live without Derek; I couldn't live without my baby once I knew he was there."

Johanna nodded. "You'll never regret that decision, Sammi. He'll be the best thing in your life."

"He already is," she replied with a wobbly smile. "Even though I'm sleep deprived and pouring soda on my cereal instead of milk without realizing it. I wouldn't trade him for anything in this world."

"I know you wouldn't."

"I thought maybe Derek would come around…that somehow it would be different with me than it had been with whoever was in Vermont. I waited a week and a half…I called him and his phone had been disconnected. I went to his work and found out that he quit. I went to his apartment and found out that he had packed up and moved. I tracked down one of his friends and he told me that Derek headed to New Jersey to work with his brother in a shop they were going to open together. That's how serious he is about not being a father; he flees the state."

"Slimeball," Johanna muttered. "No offense to you of course, honey; I know you loved him."

"Yeah well any love I had for him died the moment he told me to get rid of my baby. He is a slimeball…and plenty of worse things that I've called him. You think you know someone after being with them for two years but apparently you don't. When I told Mom and Dad about the baby; they nearly had strokes. They seem to be under the impression that we're still living in the dark ages and that babies born out of wedlock are taboo. It was a bunch of 'what will our friends think' and all that bunch of crap. They act like I'm a goddamn teenager instead of a gainfully employed woman in her thirties who has her own place and car. Dad seemed to be under the impression that I was going to move back home and live off them and that was so laughable that I couldn't even believe that he made that leap. He made it a point to tell me in no uncertain terms that he wasn't going to be financially responsible for my 'illegitimate brat' and if I was stupid enough to get myself into this situation, I'd just have to learn to deal with it on my own because he didn't want anything to do with us. He told me I was an embarrassment and that I wasn't raised to 'get myself into a fix like this'."

"Oh my God," Johanna exclaimed softly. "I never did like that son of a bitch and now I hate him even more. Frankie is right; he was born with a stick up his ass. Who the hell does he think he is? A king or a saint?"

"I don't know who he thinks he is but I told him hell would freeze over before I ever asked him for a damn thing and that I was fully capable of taking care of myself and my baby. He's never been too happy with my career choice either, you know. Being a secretary for a book publisher is beneath the Westons too."

"And yet he married an interior decorator," Johanna said with a scoff. "A decorator with hardly any taste."

"You can say that again; the only thing worse than her home décor taste is her taste in men…which I guess I inherited because I picked a loser."

Johanna smiled. "At least you didn't marry him."

"That's true."

"What did your mother say about the baby?"

"Oh she acted like I went out and robbed a bank and brought the evidence home to hide under her bed. She's so worried about what her friends at the country club might think if they find out her daughter got knocked up by some mechanic who then hit the bricks. She went off like a rocket. She thinks because she was a virgin on her wedding night that everyone else should be to…"

"Wait a minute," Johanna interrupted, holding up a hand. "Colleen McKenzie wasn't a virgin on her wedding night anymore than I was and if that's what she's been telling you, she's a damn liar."

Samantha's eyes widened. "She wasn't?!"

"Hell no! Your mother gave it up to the first boy who paid attention to her in high school. She left her underwear in the back of his Buick and I know it for a fact because we shared a room and I had to pull her sorry ass back in the window when she climbed up the trellis. She couldn't wait to tell all about it. If you want, I'll get my yearbook out and show you the boy's picture."

"Oh my God!" Samantha exclaimed. "She's such a damn liar! I want the picture later; I want to text it to Lindsey. I knew she was lying! I had a feeling she wasn't as innocent as she claimed!"

"Believe me, she's not," Johanna replied. "And you can tell her I said so. I don't know who the hell she thinks she is either but I know who she is…I know a lot of her secrets…and I'm not afraid to tell them if I have to bring her back to reality."

"I'm not sure she knows what reality is anymore. She kept going on and on about how it wouldn't look right for the baby not to have his father's name. It wouldn't look right for the father not to be in the delivery room…"

"She better preach at your father then," Johanna remarked. "Because he wasn't in the delivery room for any of his kids. I was in there with her when Lindsey was born and I was there again when you were born. Our mother was with her when each of the boys were born."

Samantha shook her head. "Mom sure does have a way of rewriting history, doesn't she? Because she acts like he was there the whole way."

"The hell he was. She begged him to go into the delivery room with her when she was in labor with Lindsey and he wouldn't budge, he said it wasn't his place to be in there. I went…and when I came out, I told him exactly what I thought of him and your snotty ass grandmother who was right there with him saying it wasn't proper for a man to be in the delivery room."

"Grandmother Millicent has disowned us too," Samantha remarked. "She's another one who's big on saying that Westons don't have illegitimate children."

"For God's sake, Millicent is still here?" Johanna exclaimed softly as the baby nuzzled against her. "What is she now, 110?"

"Ninety," Samantha laughed. "I think she's too mean to go…they don't want to deal with that in heaven."

"That's probably the truth. I thought my mother-in-law was bad at times but Millicent made Elizabeth look like a ball of sunshine…and she's gone and so is my mother and that old bag is still here."

Samantha sighed. "I miss Grandma Naomi; I wish she was here…she would love Dylan the way he deserves."

"You're right, she would. She'd adore him and the details wouldn't matter."

"I wish his grandparents felt the same way…the older Dad gets the worse he is and Mom doesn't seem to have a brain of her own; she just goes along with everything him and grandmother say; not that I think she wants to be a grandmother to my son; hell I'm not sure she ever wanted to be a mother if you want the truth."

That was the truth, Johanna thought to herself but she couldn't tell Samantha that. Her niece was having a difficult year; her heart wounded and bruised like hers was. She didn't need the truth of that statement added to it. She moved closer to give her a hug. "I'm so sorry you've had to go through this, sweetheart. I don't know what's wrong with your parents but you'll never find judgment like that here. I love you and I love this little one and it doesn't matter if his father is around or not; that's his loss and I don't give a damn that you don't have a ring on your finger. You're a grown woman who's capable of taking care of yourself and your child; like you said, you have a job and a home and a car; you'll be alright; but if you ever would need something, don't hesitate to ask, I'm here for you."

Samantha hugged her tightly being mindful of the baby between them. "We just need family."

"You've got it; you have me and your Uncle Jim; and I have no doubt that once they know you'll have your Uncle Frankie and Aunt Valerie. No one else is going to blacklist you. Tell the Westons to go to hell."

"I have told them that in subtle ways," she replied. "I have my sister too; Lindsey has been there for us the whole way. She's told Mom exactly what she thinks of her opinions…you know they never have gotten along very well."

"I remember," Johanna remarked. "How is Lindsey?"

"She's fine; she's an accountant at one of the firms on Wall Street. She just got engaged over the summer. Mom wants to plan some big high flauting shindig for her and Lindsey doesn't want anything to do with it. All she wants is to get married on the beach next summer; something simple and not too big and stressful."

"She's a smart girl," Johanna replied. "I hope your mother doesn't bully her into something she doesn't want."

"Oh she won't. Lindsey already said that if it came down to it, she and John would just go elope and send Mom a postcard from Vegas…that would kill her."

"I'm sure the explosion would be heard for miles if Lindsey eloped," Johanna said with a laugh.

"Lindsey and I are such disappointments to our parents," Samantha remarked. "But those boys…they're the Weston prizes. Maybe they didn't want girls."

Paul hadn't wanted girls and Colleen hadn't wanted kids at all, Johanna remembered. She wasn't surprised that nothing had changed.

"I always liked when Mom would drop me and Lindsey off here for a weekend sometimes," her niece recalled. "We'd play with Katie and we'd visit Grandma. You always cooked meals and there were always cookies in the cookie jar. You'd play with us if we asked, you read bedtime stories…and if it wasn't for Uncle Jim, I wouldn't know how to ride a bike. I must've made him run around the block a hundred times that day."

"He didn't mind," Johanna replied. "It was good practice for when he had to teach Katie a year or two later. You were so proud when you finally got the hang of it."

'It was always so different here than at home…Dad didn't want to teach us much; he thought we should just be quiet and sit in the corner somewhere. Mom didn't bake cookies and she didn't read bedtime stories. She'd play sometimes but if something better could be found, she was off and running. I'm not saying she was a bad mother; just that she was sort of disconnected at times…like we knew this wasn't what she wanted. We had good times and nice memories, but those other things stick out a lot too. It was always nice to be here; we always felt wanted and you and Uncle Jim always gave us attention."

"We enjoyed having you girls here," she remarked. "Katie always liked it too; she liked having other little girls in the house to play with. We never minded having you here or including you in a vacation."

"Thinking about how good those things were and how I've seen different kinds of parenting makes me feel badly for Dylan in regard to his father. He won't have his love or attention or even just his presence…and that's going to hurt him one day when he finds out why."

Johanna gave a nod. "It will hurt, but as long as he has you and your love and he's surrounded by other people who love him, he'll get through it just fine. He'll be alright; and he's better off if his father is that type of man. He doesn't deserve that."

"You're right about that."

"And maybe one day down the road you'll meet a man who will love you both the way you deserve to be loved and he'll step up and be a good father to Dylan."

"I've sworn off men for the moment," Samantha remarked.

"I don't blame you; I would've too," she said with a smile.

"I just think about the things a boy does with his dad; like learning to throw and catch a baseball…I can't throw worth a damn; and fishing trips and things like that."

"You have a little while before you need to worry too much about it," Johanna told her; "But when the times comes, I'm sure Uncle Jim will be more than happy to take him out in the yard and show him how to throw and catch and take him along for a fishing trip."

Samantha smiled. "How is Uncle Jim? I'm sure he's thrilled to have you home again."

"He's fine; I thank God every day that he let me come home. We've had a few bumps in the road but we're happy. If you stay for dinner you can see him and he can meet Dylan."

"That would be nice if you don't mind us hanging around so long," Samantha answered. "I've been eating a lot of TV dinners lately; one of your meals would be wonderful."

Johanna smiled. "I don't mind at all; and I'm not surprised that you've been living on TV dinners; babies keep you on your toes," she said as Dylan began to fuss in her arms. "I think he's probably getting hungry, he looks like he's ready to wail."

"I have his formula," Samantha said as she reached for the diaper bag and rummaged for the container and a bottle.

"Hand me a diaper and I'll change him while you get his bottle made," Johanna offered.

Samantha handed over a diaper with gratitude written in her smile before she headed for the kitchen to make Dylan's bottle.

"Alright little one," Johanna said as she laid the fussing baby on the couch. "We'll get you fed and changed. What's wrong with your grandmother not cuddling you every chance she gets?" she asked as she unsnapped his sleeper. "Maybe if I run into her I'll punch her lights out. Maybe that will change her attitude."

The baby's tiny fist waved as if in agreement as she slid a clean diaper under his bottom and fastened it. "You just come visit me," she told him while snapping up her sleeper. "I'll cuddle you."

She scooped up the baby, rocking him gently as he began to cry. "It's okay," she murmured. "Here comes your mommy."

"You're already done changing him?" Samantha asked as she took the baby into her arms. "It takes me forever to get his clothes snapped back up."

Johanna laughed softly. "You'll get faster, honey; it just takes practice. While you feed him I'll go turn the oven on to get dinner started."

"Are you sure you don't mind us staying?"

"Not at all. I'm glad you're here. I haven't had many visitors…not everyone is so forgiving…and I don't go out too much."

"Because of the media?" her niece asked.

"That and…"

"And what?"

"Fear," she murmured. "I'm always afraid."

Samantha gave an understanding nod. "You have to keep trying though…you just need a little practice."

Johanna smiled. "I know…I'm working up to trying more."

* * *

That evening after dinner had been cleaned up and Samantha had been sent home with a bag of leftovers and a promise to visit again, Johanna curled up on the couch with her grandmother's diary. She felt relatively content as she opened the aged book, her fingers finding the silken bookmark. Her husband had seemed to be happy at the knowledge that she'd had company all day but she could tell that he had clearly had a rough day at the office despite his lightness with Samantha and his turn holding the baby. He had unloaded some of it as she washed the dishes and she hoped that he felt more relaxed now.

"Are you still reading that?" Jim asked as he carried his cup of coffee into the living room that evening.

"Yes and I have two more when I finish this one…do you think I shouldn't read them?"

"Of course you should read them," he replied; sitting his mug down on the stand as he took a seat at the opposite end of the sofa from her, instead of his chair. "I was just going to say that I think every time I look at you lately, you have your nose in that book."

Johanna smiled. "Am I ignoring you, dear?"

He gave a shake of his head; amusement coloring his features. "No; it's just that you're quiet; except for when Samantha was here."

"Are you saying that I talk too much?"

"Not at all; I enjoy your chatter. When you're quiet I have to sit and think about if I did something to make you mad."

She laughed. "I think I always make it pretty clear when you've done something to displease me. In fact, I'm sure I make a point of it."

Her husband grinned. "Well you might be switching tactics on me to catch me off guard."

"Not a chance; I don't fix things that aren't broke…and besides, I like yelling every once in awhile."

"I had a feeling you enjoyed it a little; despite your statements to the contrary when it was mentioned in the past."

His wife laughed softly; her gaze falling back to the pages open in front of her. "You're going back to reading?" he asked her.

"Well I was going to finish this entry…is something bugging you? Is this another one of those 'I want my friends to come over and play with me' discussions? Because I told you that it's fine; there's no reason to worry."

"No; it's not that."

"Then what is it?"

"Maybe I just missed you."

"Maybe?" she asked with a raised brow.

Jim laughed lightly. "I did miss you."

"That's sweet; I missed you too," she replied with a warm smile. "Did you leave something out when you told me about your day while I washed dishes? Did something go wrong?"

"No…I did mention that Steve is also on this case now, didn't I?"

"Yes you did…I think the mention was wrapped in a comment about egotistical jackasses."

He nodded. "That about sums it up. See why I need your sparkling conversation?"

"I'm not sure I liked the way you said that," she teased.

"I promise it was meant as the highest form of compliment. You know how Steve is…he's an egotistical jackass, for lack of another description."

Her eyes danced with amusement. "Is that jackass picking on my husband? Do I need to go down there and kick his ass?"

"Would you?" Jim laughed.

"Just point me in his direction; I'll take care of it."

"That's how I know I married a good woman."

"I stand by my man," Johanna quipped.

"There's nothing sexier than a woman who stands by her man," her husband replied.

"I don't know…a man who stands by his woman is awfully sexy as well," she remarked as she slid toward him.

"Then I guess we both come out winners," Jim answered as he wrapped an arm around her. "And look; now I have you right where I want you."

She snuggled against his side. "It sounds like this case you're working on is getting pretty big."

"It is; you know how it goes with these big companies; the more you dig the more dirt you find and the more charges you get to file. That's why I'm going to be working on it for several more days…are you alright with that?"

"Of course, honey. I don't want you to think that that you can't do the things you want just because I'm home now."

'I know; I just hate to leave you alone so much. You probably get bored."

"I always find something to do, Jim; but I guess you could always take me with you if it worries you. I can lend a hand."

He was quiet for a moment; his hand caressing her arm. He brushed a soft kiss against her temple and when he finally spoke, his voice was quiet. "Sweetheart, as much as I'd like to work with you again…I think it'd be best for you to stay retired from the law…as selfish as that sounds."

"I understand," she replied; wrapping her arm around his midsection in a makeshift embrace. "I wasn't really serious about it."

"Even so…if you want to do something at some point, I'd rather see you go back to teaching."

"We don't need to worry about any of that," Johanna stated. "I'm not interested in anything right now; especially with how things are. I'm happy to be your housewife."

He gave her a small smile. "Is it wrong for me to say 'good'?"

"No; not all," she assured; hooking a finger under his chin to bring him close for a kiss.

When her husband picked up her grandmother's old photo album from the coffee table to look at, she dropped her gaze back to the diary that was still open on her lap. The entry Johanna was reading dealt with Sarah Riley's heartbreak during a brief breakup during her courtship with Patrick McKenzie. As she read, she came upon a passage that spoke to her own heart.

 _"Mama told me that you can only hide away a wounded heart for so long. She says that it's like treating any other type of wound; sometimes you have to take the bandage off and let the air get to it to help it heal. I know she's right; I can't stay locked in this house forever just because my heart aches and I fear seeing Patrick with someone else. It won't do me any good to hide...it isn't going to make it hurt any less. Tomorrow I shall go out."_

Johanna breathed deeply; soaking the words into her soul. She looked to Jim who was still flipping through the album that she kept nearby so she could put names to faces. "Hey; while you're looking in there; see if you can find a picture of Mary Alice for me."

"And she was?" Jim asked as he began to carefully lift pictures to read the writing on their backs.

"My great-grandmother; Sarah's mother."

He nodded in acknowledgement and came across a photo of the woman in question on the next page. He eased the picture from its slot and handed it to his wife. "Here she is...she kind of looks like your aunt Bridget."

Johanna studied the photo and had to agree that she did remind her of Bridget McKenzie; but once she brushed past that resemblance, she concentrated on the words Mary Alice had spoken to Sarah about wounded hearts. Funny how two women you never knew could pass on such wisdom. Her grandmothers were right...she couldn't keep hiding; the wound wouldn't heal if she did and staying undercover didn't make anything hurt any less. It was time to get that car of her own...it was time to start getting back out there again. Her eyes darted back to Jim as she gave him back the picture to put back in its slot. He was adamant that she didn't need a car...he wasn't going to like this...she just wouldn't tell him until it was sitting in the driveway, all paid for and ready to go. She didn't need something brand new; a used car was all she needed to get around town. The money she had transferred from the bank in Wyoming was more than enough to get her a nice little car.

She suppressed a sigh; but still, Jim was going to be mad. She'd have to soften the blow...and there was no better time like the present for sucking up. Johanna marked her page with the old silken bookmark that was attached to the binding of the book and then closed it and laid it aside. She took the photo album from his hands and put it aside as well and then smiled at him.

"Since you missed me so much today; how about I make a big bowl of popcorn and we watch a movie...we can cuddle up together and turn the lights out."

Jim smiled at her. "That sounds like a good idea. What are we watching?"

"Your choice," she replied.

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah; you can pick one of those shoot em up, beat the hell out of them type of movies you like...and we can pretend that the people it's being done to are people we hate."

He laughed. "I do enjoy that game."

"Me too...and then we can play that other game."

"What game is that, sweetheart?"

"That one where I see how far into the movie we get before you cop a feel," Johanna remarked.

"Hey! I am not the only one who starts things," he said in his own defense; humor sparkling in his eyes.

She smiled seductively; her fingertips falling against his jaw, "How can I not start something with you?" she murmured before pressing a kiss to his lips. "You are irresistible after all."

"You're irresistible yourself," he replied; bringing her back for another kiss.

"I know," she said saucily as she untangled herself from his arms and rose from the sofa to go make the popcorn. "You get things ready in here and I'll be back with the popcorn."

"I think I like where this night is heading," Jim commented as he got up to make a selection from their DVD collection.

"I certainly hope so," Johanna replied; hoping that she'd get him buttered up enough to take the news of her future new car with ease instead of yelling.

* * *

After Jim had gone to work the next morning, Johanna retreated to the living room to call her daughter. Kate had only sent her usual checking in text the day before and she wondered if things had improved for her daughter since seeing her two days ago. She clicked on the television and settled down on the sofa before hitting the speed dial for Kate's number. She waited patiently as the line rang, wondering if she had been called out on a case as she didn't answer as quickly as she usually did. Finally the line clicked. "Hold on," Kate said as she finally answered.

"Okay," Johanna replied, listening to the background noise on Kate's end. She could hear cash registers and cashiers and had a feeling she had caught her daughter on a fast food run.

"Are you still there?" Kate asked as she came back on the line.

"I'm here; are you busy?"

"No, I was just paying for my coffee and breakfast sandwich. Is everything alright?"

"I'm fine," Johanna told her. "I wanted to see how you were."

"I'm fine. I haven't seen any reporters in a few days," Kate said as she sat her coffee on the roof of the car while she unlocked her door.

"That wasn't what I meant," she replied, hearing the slam of the car door. "You're not going to drive while on the phone, are you?"

"No, Mother," she answered, locking the door and putting the key in the ignition before reaching into her bag for her sandwich. "I'm going to eat in the car so I can hear you."

"Just checking. Isn't Rick with you?"

"No; he left this morning for his book signing in L.A.; I took him to the airport, that's why I'm not at work yet."

"When will he back?"

"Sunday evening."

Johanna was quiet for a moment, trying to think of the right way to broach the subject of the discord in her daughter's relationship without seeming too nosy. "How are the two of you doing? Did you work things out before he left?"

Kate sighed. "Yeah…it wasn't easy though."

"It never is."

"That's the truth; you always have to spell things out several times before they get it."

Johanna laughed softly. "Get used to that, you never get to completely stop spelling things out."

"That's comforting," she replied sarcastically. "I just wish I could break him of his 'I justify everything by saying I did it for you' excuse."

"Don't worry; I'm sure you'll break him of it one day. Are you sure you two made up? You still seem a little upset about it."

"Yeah; we made up…it was a very long discussion that seemed to go around in circles but I think we understand each other. He knows now that I didn't mean for him to go out with other women to prove he's single."

"That's good to know."

"I still think about walking in on him and the bimbo though and it irritates me," Kate admitted.

"I'm not surprised," Johanna replied. "That's always going to bother you. I'm still irritated by the times your father went out with Melanie and we weren't even dating then."

Kate took a sip of her coffee. "Not that I really want to know the answer, but you don't really think Dad and Melanie…you know…"

"Oh I believe they did," Johanna remarked. "She wasn't latching on to him whenever she could just so she could enjoy his sparkling conversation skills and it wasn't about work either. He's never confessed to it, but he sidesteps it enough that I know it happened."

"What would he see in her?"

"The same thing all young, single men see in women like Melanie and that Kristina, a guaranteed easy good time and it'll only cost them a meal or a few drinks, no strings attached."

"I guess you have a point about that," Kate agreed. "I guess I have a hard time thinking of Dad doing stupid things like that."

"That's because by the time you came along I had him trained."

Kate gave a short laugh. "Castle has offered to buy a new couch. I should let him; the current one feels like a crime scene."

"He can afford a new couch," Johanna quipped. "It would complement the apology nicely…he did apologize, didn't he?"

"Yes; he swears it won't happen again. I told him it better not or I'll shoot him."

"Sounds fair to me," her mother replied. "Tell him we're a temperamental family; we're likely to carry out threats if we're mad enough."

"I think he knows."

"Good. Did you talk to him about any of those questions that were bothering you about his motives in this charade?"

"I tried; but I got that same 'I didn't do it for me, I did it for you' speech so I let it go because the whole thing gives me a headache."

"Sometimes that's best but I hope it won't become something that nags at you constantly."

"It won't," she sighed. "I guess I'm just going to need some time to get over it. I apologized for not demanding that he call it off…although I feel like I made my feelings clear about it…and that it should've been common sense on his part."

"Then why did you apologize?"

"To restore the peace I guess. I mean I feel like it's my fault in some small way, I just don't know if it's because I didn't demand the right way or not."

'Don't get in the habit of apologizing for things you're not really sorry for, or for things you didn't do just to keep the so called peace. That's not good for you or him."

"I'm not making it a habit and I am sorry that the whole thing happened…but at least it's over now. We have some time apart and that should help things settle."

"Any chance you changed your mind about coming over for dinner this weekend?" Johanna asked.

"I told you that I have plans with Martha."

"Every night?"

"Castle will be back Sunday evening; so really it's only two nights."

"The question still stands."

"I'm having dinner with Martha tomorrow night. As for tonight, since I'm going into work late, I'll have to stay a little later. I just had breakfast with you the other day."

Only because she had spent the night, Johanna thought to herself. She had only been there that night and morning because she had needed her, not just because she wanted to. She shook the thoughts away. "Some other time?" she asked.

"Yeah."

"That sounded convincing."

"Mom," Kate warned.

"What? You have plans with other people's mothers so I figure it's only natural to wonder when you're going to have plans with your own," Johanna remarked.

"I talk to you all the time."

"I don't know if I'd say that; a lot of times it's just a checking in text."

"We talk on the phone, Mother; and you know it."

"I didn't say we never talk and that wasn't the issue at hand. I was asking when we're going to have plans."

"Mother; do we have to do this today?" Kate asked in exasperation.

Johanna frowned. "Sorry."

"You should give yourself a lecture about giving apologies when you're not really sorry."

"Well I'm not sorry for wanting to spend time with my daughter," Johanna replied. "You'll just have to forgive me…and maybe surprise me one day and come to dinner. I won't hold you hostage, I promise."

Her daughter blew out a breath. "I'm sure that we'll have plans one day soon."

"Uh huh."

"Hey; I'm not the one who has a problem with leaving the house," Kate retorted. "You know where to find me if you want to see me that bad."

Johanna bit her tongue; apparently her daughter's smart ass side was going to surface. "I don't have a problem with leaving the house. I have a problem of being followed when I do, but maybe one day soon I'll surprise you."

"Call first; I hate surprises."

"No; that would ruin my fun."

"As much as I hate to end this," Kate remarked; "I have to be getting to work."

"Sure you do," Johanna replied. "Be careful. I love you."

"I will…I love you too," she told her, feeling a twinge of remorse.

"It's alright, Katie," her mother said, as if sensing in her inner turmoil. "Maybe one day we'll surprise each other."

"Maybe," she murmured. "What are you going to do today?"

"The same thing I do every day; clean the house, watch TV, look around online and wait for your father to come home. The doors are locked; I'll be fine."

"Call if you need me."

"I will," she promised. "Have a good day, sweetheart."

After saying goodbye, Johanna disconnected the call and laid her phone on the coffee table. She wasn't always sure where she stood with her daughter; Kate pushed and pulled according to her mood…and it seemed to her that now that she didn't need a shoulder to cry on that she was back in the 'pull away' mode. She sighed deeply; she didn't know what to do about that at the moment but she couldn't dwell. She had to keep her goal in mind of easing the way for her to get her car and take back some independence.

* * *

"Surprised" was the only word Jim could think of describe how he had felt when Johanna had actually said yes to going with him to run a few errands Saturday afternoon. He had tried to hide his reaction, not wanting to make her over think her decision. He caught a glimpse of hesitation on her part when they first left the house, but as they had made their rounds through the city to take care of a few things along with making a few stops at stores that she wanted browse in, he could see her pushing that feeling away. He knew she was still a little nervous though; he had caught the tap of her foot against the floor of the car…he'd seen her looking over her shoulder a few times, but he was guilty of that as well. All in all, he felt it had been a successful afternoon where she was concerned. She didn't ask him to take her home after every stop; she didn't get agitated. She had been affectionate and mostly relaxed…she had even brought up the idea of having lunch at their favorite restaurant.

Yes, it had been a successful day for her, Jim mused as he drove toward home, listening to her softly singing along with the radio as her hand rested on his thigh. He smiled; his hand dropping from the steering wheel to cover hers for a moment, giving it an affectionate squeeze. He wanted to say something…wanted to tell her how proud he was that she had come along with him and hadn't let her nerves get to her; but he thought better of it. Maybe it was better to leave it unspoken; she'd know…he could tell her in other ways.

"Did you get everything done you wanted to do?" Johanna asked; breaking the companionable silence between them.

"Yeah; I got everything taken care of," he answered, his hand moving back to the wheel. "Was there anywhere else you wanted to go? I'll go back if there was."

She shook her head. "No; I'm fine. I'm ready to go home."

"You okay?" he asked, a sudden worry pushing forward that maybe she had hidden her nerves better than he thought.

She caught his eye and smiled. "I'm fine; I'm just ready to take my shoes off."

Relief filled him. "I told you not to wear new shoes; we did too much walking for that."

"That's the best way to break them in," Johanna replied.

"Remember that later when your feet hurt."

She smiled; her hand moving against his thigh. "I don't worry about that; I have this wonderful husband who has a history of rubbing my aching feet."

"Just so you know; he usually has ulterior motives," Jim quipped.

"Oh I know," she laughed.

"You do?"

"Yes, it becomes very obvious once your hand gets past my ankle."

Jim grinned. "And here I thought I was being pretty stealth."

"I let you think that because I love you and I adore that gleam in your eyes when you think you're getting one over on me."

"You're a very indulgent wife, sweetheart."

"I try to be," she replied, giving his thigh a squeeze. "You know what I miss?"

"What?"

"The way the seats were in the older cars…back when I could move over real close to you while you were driving," she murmured, an amorous note in her tone.

"Yeah; I miss that too," he remarked; a grin on his lips. "They probably quit making the seats like that because they knew that eventually we were going to have an accident."

She laughed. "I never distracted you that much."

"That's what you think."

"We're still here so you must've handled it just fine."

"I'm a good driver."

"So am I."

Jim glanced at her. "Are we sure about that?"

"I was only in one accident and that wasn't my fault."

"I know; I was referring to your tendency to speed."

"I'm careful," Johanna replied. "I've only had three tickets in my life."

"Yes, I know; I'm pretty sure they all came from female officers."

She nodded. "I do hate when a woman pulls me over."

"I hate when men pull you over."

"But I have a perfect record of getting out of tickets when it's a man."

"I know; I'd rather pay your fine then have you batting your eyes at them."

"That's not nearly as much fun though," she quipped.

He chuckled. "Oh I know; it's a thrill for you every time you wiggle out of it with a warning all because you flirted just right. But I don't have to worry about it now; I do the driving."

Johanna glanced at him. "Are you saying I can't drive the car?"

"No; I'm just saying I do the driving. We're always together; I always drive when we're going somewhere."

"I could drive sometimes."

"I know but there's no need."

"So I should tack my driver's license up on the wall as a decoration?" Johanna asked.

Her husband smiled. "It does have a pretty nice picture of you on it; but of course I've never seen you take a bad picture."

"I really should drive sometimes," she remarked. "I can count on one hand the amount of times I've driven in the last several months."

"I'll let you drive sometime," he told her.

Johanna allowed the topic to drop as they pulled into their driveway; she didn't want to do too much hinting about driving or Jim might realize she was thinking about getting her own car again. Their at home movie night the night had been fun and romantic; the evening they had spent together the night before had been nice and cozy and their day out had gone well and she didn't want to rock the boat. She wanted to stay in their bubble…she _needed_ them to stay in their bubble so he wouldn't be too angry when she put her plan in motion.

They each glanced around; checking for any unwanted guests before they got out of the car and got the few bags they had in the trunk and carried them into the house. Johanna kicked her shoes off under the kitchen table and Jim smiled, moving toward her and slipping his arms around her. "Did I tell you that you look pretty today?" he asked.

"No; but it's not like I'm dressed up."

He glanced down at her sky blue top and black skirt and begged to differ. "You look dressed up to me," he replied. "You look beautiful as always."

"You look pretty handsome yourself," she remarked; her fingertips skimming against his jaw line.

Jim caught her lips in a sweet kiss. "How's your feet?"

She laughed. "They're a little sore…they're waiting for you to make your move."

"I'll take care of them," he promised. "Do you want to eat our dinner we bought now or later on this evening?"

"I'm not really hungry right now; are you?"

"No; I'm fine."

Johanna looped her arms around his neck. "Then how about we put this stuff away and go relax for awhile?"

"Sounds good to me," he answered; pressing another kiss to her lips.

* * *

After putting their dinner in the fridge, they moved upstairs to put away the things they had bought at the stores and Johanna broached an idea that had been on her mind. "Jim?"

"Yeah?"

"I was thinking about inviting Frankie and Valerie over for dinner tomorrow night…if you don't mind? I know he wants me to make Mom's lasagna for him."

"That's fine, sweetheart; I don't have any problem with you inviting Frankie and Valerie over for dinner. I think you should; it'll be good for you. The other night when Sammi and the baby were here, you were so happy to have company."

"I was," she agreed.

"Then go on," he said with a nod at her phone on the nightstand. "Call and invite them."

"Okay," she smiled; kissing him quickly. "It'll be nice to have them over."

"I agree," he replied; thinking that it would be nice to see her with more of her family. It would be good for her…she was taking little steps; maybe she was starting to bounce back a little more.

* * *

"This is nice," Martha said after the waiter finished pouring glasses of wine for her and Kate that evening as they had dinner together.

"It is," Kate agreed. "Thank you for inviting me."

"It's my pleasure, dear. It's nice to spend some time with you without Richard hovering, ready to proclaim anything I say as a fabrication," Martha remarked, amusement in her eyes as she picked up her wine glass.

Kate grinned. "Don't worry, Martha; I take his proclamations with a grain of salt."

"I figured that you probably would, smart gal that you are. I was glad to see that you and Richard worked out your troubles before he left. I warned him that his lapse in judgment about that reporter would come back to bite him."

"I'm glad it's over too," she sighed. "And something like that better never happen again."

Martha laughed softly. "I don't think you have to worry, darling; I believe he's learned his lesson."

"He better hope so; I did remind him that I have a gun I'm not afraid to use."

The redhead smiled wryly as she picked up her fork. "It would be good for him to be reminded of that every now and then; it might keep him out of trouble."

"Are we talking about the same Richard Castle?" she teased.

His mother laughed. "You're right, Richard has a knack for finding trouble; he always has no matter how many warnings he gets. But enough about him, let's talk about you."

"Me?" Kate repeated after swallowing a bite of her dinner. "What about me?"

"How are you doing, dear?" she asked; maternal love softening her boisterous tone.

Kate shrugged. "I'm fine. Rick and I got through our troubles…I'm still not thrilled that it happened but it'll fade in time."

Martha held her gaze. "That's not what I meant."

"I'm fine."

"Are you?" the older woman asked; her brow raised as she studied her.

"Of course; why wouldn't I be?"

The actress smiled. "For obvious reasons, darling."

Kate breathed deeply and exhaled slowly. "Things have been quieter since the news has died down from the release of the picture."

"Does that make it easier or does it just make you worry about when it's going to start up again?"

"Both," she confessed. "I know it isn't going to last so I'm trying to enjoy my peace while I can."

"I don't blame you," Martha replied. "But you're going to get through this just fine."

"I hope so…I don't know how people stand the intrusion into their day to day life. How do you stand it, Martha?"

The redhead smiled. "It helps to be born an attention seeker," she quipped. "It's part of the business and I'm used to it, as is Richard. It isn't a part of your business, with the exception of the occasional press statement regarding a case. I've spent the majority of my life pursuing my career and that means being in the public eye, Richard has seen it all of his life and it's become a part of his life. You grew up in a quieter fashion; your parents belong to a profession that doesn't include the flashes of cameras so of course it's difficult for all of you to suddenly have that experience. One day they'll go away."

"That day can't come soon enough for me," Kate remarked.

"I know; and I wish it would come quickly so your mind could be eased but I'm afraid you have a long road to go."

"That's what I'm afraid of too."

Martha gave her a sympathetic smile. "How's your mother doing?"

"She's alright I guess; she hasn't mentioned any reporters camped out on the sidewalk so I'm sure she's breathing a little easier."

"And yet you didn't think she'd accept the invitation to join us for dinner tonight," Martha remarked. "A girls night might've boosted her spirits a little more."

Kate shook her head. "She wouldn't have come; she's not big on leaving the house. She only goes out with Dad and she wouldn't have wanted to leave him alone for the evening."

"I'm sure he could've reassured her that he'd be fine while she was away; he'd know she was safe with you."

"She wouldn't have come; she likes to hide in the house. She thinks everyone is watching her and she'd be sitting here with those damn sunglasses on trying to hide and only making herself more conspicuous."

"Those sunglasses of hers bother you, don't they?"

"Yeah they do," Kate said with a nod as she picked up another bite of her dinner. "It was different when she only wore them as a fashion accessory and to keep the sun out of her eyes. Now she wears them as some sort of armor and people are making fun of her for it."

"Perhaps Johanna believes that the sunglasses shield her from the world in a way…maybe they make her feel safe."

"They make her look like a coward in the eyes of the people who want to rip her apart."

"Only in their eyes?" Martha asked pointedly.

Kate swallowed her food and was quiet for a moment. "I don't think she's a coward…she's just a far cry from the woman who snuck out of my apartment and pointed a gun at Bracken."

"She's still that woman," Martha told her. "She just has a lot to process and sort out…things that need worked on."

"I know."

"How are things between the two of you?"

"We're fine; I spent the other night there."

"Because you were hiding from Richard."

Kate glanced at her. "Is that a hint that it's an inherited trait to hide?"

"No; I was merely making an observation but it does seem like a fitting hint in some ways, doesn't it, kiddo?"

Kate took another bite of her dinner and swallowed. "I just don't like to see her that way. When I was there the other night, she was perfectly fine; she was herself. Other days she's under this cloud of depression, constantly apologizing, being needy and clinging and sometimes it gets to be a little much. I love her…I just don't know what to do with her sometimes."

"Oh I know you love her," Martha assured. "But darling, if you want her to be herself every day, shouldn't you try to help her get to that point?"

"Martha; the last thing my mother needs is to be coddled; Dad is doing enough of that for both of us…that's part of why she's the way she is right now. He doesn't do a lot of pushing with her to get her back to where she needs to be."

The actress gave a soft laugh. "I don't see you giving her any nudges either. You didn't even mention to her that she was invited to join us tonight, did you?"

"No; because I knew what the answer would be."

"Don't you think you could've cajoled her into coming along?"

Kate smiled. "Martha; if you wanted my mother to join us so badly; why didn't you call and invite her?"

Martha laughed quietly. "Darling, I'm happy to have dinner with just you; I'd be happy to have dinner with you and Johanna. I told you that you could invite her but didn't extend the invitation myself because I didn't know if you'd be comfortable with it; clearly you're not."

"It's not that."

"Oh? Then what is it?"

"I just…"

"You just what?"

"I just don't want the media cycle to begin again by being seen with her in public."

"Kate," Martha said; her tone a mixture of sympathy and surprise. "I believe she'd find that very upsetting to hear."

"That's why we're not going to tell her that I said it. My mother and I are complicated, Martha. Some days we're perfectly fine and it's like old times, and other days I just need distance. I don't want a media uproar because we went out in public together; I know it sounds terrible; I know she'd probably cry if she knew…she cries a lot about everything when you get down to it, but I can't help it. I try to nudge her in any way I can. I try to be supportive and encourage her but sometimes she clings a little much."

"That's because she's missed you for a long time."

"I know but we were together all summer."

"Yes; but some of that time was contentious and there was always a threat of danger. Now that things are easier in your relationship and the danger is removed, with the exception of the media intrusion, maybe she just wants to connect with you in different ways. Maybe she wants to know that you want to be with her sometimes instead of being with her because you had to be."

"If I didn't want to be with her, I wouldn't have gone home to her the other night," Kate remarked. "It's just…complicated."

"She probably feels that way too."

"I know…there's just so much going on right now but I do my best to be there for her. I check in once or twice a day…I try to make sure she knows I love her...maybe she doesn't always believe it right now but I don't know what to do about it."

"Just keep showing up, kiddo. She needs you…and whether you believe it or not, you need her too…not just when something's wrong in your life and you need a shoulder to cry on; you just need her because she's your mother."

Kate sighed. "I'm doing the best I can at the moment."

"I know, dear," Martha said as she gave her hand an affectionate pat. "We'll let it go at that; maybe the next time we have dinner together we'll bring Johanna along and remind her of what it's like to have a good time. Speaking of good times, I have an extra ticket for a show next month and Alexis and I are hoping that you'll join us."

She smiled; relieved that the conversation about her mother was over. "I'd love to, Martha. I'll make sure to take that night off when you give me the date."

"Wonderful," the actress proclaimed. "Now let's talk about more enjoyable things."

Kate smiled. "That's a good idea; let's talk about you now," she said, feeling like she was saving herself a possible return to the former subject if she shifted the spotlight to Martha.

* * *

"It's going to be fine," Jim told Johanna early Sunday evening as she fussed with the hem of her top. "You've already seen Frankie and you talk to Valerie on the phone a good bit; there's nothing to worry about."

"I know," she replied as she checked the lasagna in the oven. "I don't know why I feel nervous."

"Because it's important to you," he answered, his arm sliding around her waist and pulling her close. "But it's going to be just fine. It's your brother and sister-in-law; they've been very supportive and Valerie leaped at the chance to visit tonight. You're going to have a nice time and Frankie is going to love your lasagna because it's exactly like Naomi's just like he wants."

Johanna breathed deeply and exhaled. "I'm just being ridiculous."

"No you're not; it's just your first time doing pre-meditated entertaining since you've been home. Sammi staying for dinner was a whim. This dinner you planned, but you don't need to worry, I'm sure your hostess skills are as good as they've always been."

She smiled and gave a nod just as a knock sounded at the door. "They're here," she stated but she made no move to leave the kitchen.

"Do you want me to get it so you have a minute?" he asked.

"Would you?"

Jim kissed her forehead. "Of course, sweetheart."

She gave him a grateful smile and he turned and left the kitchen, giving her a moment to quell her nerves. He didn't really think she was nervous about seeing Frankie, he thought that maybe it was seeing Valerie in person despite being comfortable with their phone calls. They both knew she had nothing to worry about, Valerie had always adored her but he couldn't blame her for having a few jitters. He unlocked the door and opened it, finding his brother-in-law and Valerie as expected.

"Jim," Frankie said as he stepped inside, offering his hand.

"Frankie, it's good to see you," Jim replied, shaking his hand. "Valerie."

"It's nice to you," Valerie replied, giving him a quick hug. "Where's Johanna?"

"Don't overwhelm me with your sentiment about seeing me, Valerie," Jim laughed. "You make it so obvious who you came for."

"Why lie?" Valerie teased.

"See what I have to put up with?" Frankie asked.

"I know the feeling," Jim replied. "I have your sister in the kitchen."

His brother-in-law nodded. "I'm not sure which one is worse so we'll just call it even."

"Sounds good to me," Jim said before dropping his tone to whisper. "She's a little nervous."

"Why?" Valerie whispered back. "Frankie's been here before…and it can't be me."

He gave her a smile. "She's just always a little nervous about seeing people lately, even if she did invite them. I feel like this dinner is a good step for her, but she's still a little nervous."

"I'll take care of that," Frankie remarked; moving further into the entry way so that his voice would carry to the kitchen. "Hey, Mouthy; what's for dinner? I'm starved."

"You sound like Dad when you bellow like that," Johanna remarked a few seconds later as she stepped into view.

Her brother smiled. "Let's not get insulting in the first five seconds; you know Mom always hated that."

"Oh I know," she replied as she moved towards him. "As for what's for dinner; it's lasagna."

"Mom's?" he asked hopefully.

"It's her recipe; I'll let you be the judge."

"I'm sure it'll be good," Frankie replied as he pulled her into a quick hug. "Thanks for having us over."

"I'm glad to see you," she replied, feeling her nerves settle a bit as her brother released her and pushed her toward his wife.

"Now go let Valerie hug you; she's been watching the clock all day waiting to get over here."

Johanna moved toward her sister-in-law's open arms and accepted her embrace. "It's good to see you, Val," she said softly.

"It's even better to see you," Valerie replied as she hugged her tightly. "I could've just slapped Frankie for coming without me when he visited you."

Johanna laughed softly. "The urge to slap him is probably one you live with daily."

"That's true."

"They're already ganging up on me, Jim," Frankie remarked. "Nothing's changed."

Jim nodded. "Don't worry; they'll be after me next."

"At least you two will have each other to commiserate with," Johanna replied, catching Jim's eye and giving him a smile to let him know that she was fine now, her nerves had been eased and she was ready to move forward.

"Which means Frankie's right; nothing's changed…just like I keep telling you."

She gave a slight nod of understanding, the smile remaining on her lips. "Dinner's ready, I just have to get it on the plates."

"I'll help you," Valerie offered.

"That would be nice. Jim, you and Frankie go on into the dining room."

"Come on, Frankie," Jim said; "The women are sending us away like we're little kids they don't want under foot."

"What else is new?" he asked. "At least they're letting us join them in the dining room though instead of making us eat in the kitchen…Valerie's done that to me, you know."

"That's a lie!" Valerie declared. "You ate in the kitchen because you were mad at me that time."

"That's her version," Frankie said as he and Jim disappeared down the hallway.

"Men," Valerie said with a shake of her head as she met Johanna's gaze.

"I know, but we can't live without them."

"That's true enough," her sister-in-law said as they headed for the kitchen. "How are you doing, Jo?"

"I'm okay. I had a ridiculous case of nerves before you got here but I'm fine now that you're here."

Valerie smiled. "It's not ridiculous. I would've felt the same way. But I am glad to be here; I'm so happy to finally see you."

"I'm glad too. It's been too long."

"It has," the other woman agreed. "But we won't let it happen again."

"You've got my word on that," Johanna remarked as she took the lasagna out of the oven.

* * *

Once dinner was on the table and everyone was seated, Johanna waited for her brother to take a bite of the lasagna. She knew the recipe was her mother's, that it really wasn't possible for it to taste any differently, but she wanted to be sure that it was as Frankie remembered to satisfy his longing and craving, to give him a little piece of the past with their mother. Finally her brother lifted his fork to his lips and took a bite, his eyes closing and a smile coming to his lips as he chewed and swallowed. "That brings back memories," he remarked as he looked across the table at his sister.

"It's like you remember?" she asked to be sure.

Frankie nodded. "Just like Mom's; thanks, Sis."

She smiled. "You're welcome; I'm glad it came out right."

"As if there was any doubt," Jim remarked as he picked up a forkful of his own lasagna.

"For some reason I can't get it to turn out like Naomi's," Valerie stated. "It does bring back nice memories, Jo. I'm so glad you called."

"Me too," she replied. "It's nice to have guests for dinner."

"You can't have Mom's hostess training going to waste," Frankie quipped as he broke a breadstick.

"That's true; I don't want her to haunt me."

"I don't think you have to worry," Jim replied. "I'm sure she's proud, and I'm sure she's up there smiling at the sight of you two sitting at the same table on a Sunday again."

"I bet you're right," Valerie said with a laugh. "Naomi did love to have her kids at the table on Sunday. I'm sure she's thrilled to see you two together."

'And don't forget, we hugged each other," Frankie remarked as he caught his sister's eye. "You know how she was about that."

"I remember," Johanna said with a laugh. "It probably shocked her to see us do it voluntarily."

"Most likely."

Jim chuckled. "I'd say Naomi McKenzie is probably lighting up heaven with her beaming."

The conversation moved into the realm of small talk about their children and the things they had been doing and hoped to do soon. A lull in the conversation had Jim catching Johanna's eye. "Tell them about our other dinner guest we had this week."

"Thank you for reminding me," Johanna replied before looking across the table at her guests. "Samantha came to see me."

"How's she doing?" Valerie asked. "We haven't seen her in awhile and Colleen never mentions her when we hear from her."

"She brought a little surprise with her," Johanna told them.

"What?" he brother asked; his brow raised in interest.

"Her son."

"What?" Valerie asked; surprise written across her face and her husband's.

"Her baby. Sammi has a baby boy; he's three weeks old. His name is Dylan."

"Colleen never mentioned anything about Samantha being pregnant," Frankie remarked. "Did she not know?"

"Oh she knew," Johanna replied. "According to Samantha, Colleen and Paul have disowned her for disgracing the Weston name with a baby born out of wedlock."

"I swear to God; Colleen is such a little bitch," Frankie spat. "What the hell is wrong with her? Seriously? Are we sure Mom brought home the right baby from the hospital?"

"She had to," Jim remarked. "Colleen acts too much like Frank not to belong to him."

"And she has his nose," Johanna added. "And Mom's hair and eye color."

"She could've gotten light brown hair and blue eyes from anywhere…I want some DNA to prove she belongs to us," Frankie remarked. "Because let's face it, you and I look like brother and sister and Colleen doesn't really look like us."

"He's got a point," Jim chimed in.

Johanna laughed at them. "We do have some similar features, she's ours…whether we like her attitude or not."

"Proof would be nice though," Frankie replied. "I mean what if there was a mix up and the real Colleen is out there somewhere and we've been stuck with this nut from someone else's tree for the last 59 years."

"God, we're getting old," Johanna muttered as she picked up her glass to take a drink.

"Don't remind me," Valerie added. "I'm older than you."

"Believe me, it's not a topic I enjoy either," Johanna told her. "But anyway; Colleen and Paul don't want anything to do with the baby."

"That's just despicable," Valerie said angrily. "I couldn't imagine not seeing my grandchild, regardless of her parents marital status. Greg and Kelly were married for two years before Ally was born but even if they hadn't been it wouldn't have made any difference to me."

"It wouldn't have made any difference to me either," Frankie remarked. "And I'm sure if Katie came home unmarried and with a baby, the two of you wouldn't care either."

"No we wouldn't," Jim agreed before his wife could answer. "Our job is to love her and support her; not be mad about any lack of marital status."

"Exactly," Frankie agreed. "I don't even think Dad would've gone so far as to turn his back on Johanna or Colleen if they'd had a baby before they were married. He wouldn't have been happy about it…he probably would've blown his top but I don't see him turning his back…Mom wouldn't have let him."

"That's probably true," Johanna stated. "I don't think Dad would've gone as far as Colleen and Paul. While we were having dinner, Sammi told me how she went to see Colleen a few days before she had the baby; she said she begged her to be in the delivery room with her but she refused."

"Bitch," Frankie muttered again.

"Claire won't be able to keep me out of the delivery room when she has a baby," Valerie declared. "I don't care if she wants me there or not, I'm going in."

Johanna nodded. "I feel the same way about Katie; she can say no all she wants but I'm going in."

"I can't wait to see that battle go down," Jim said as he broke apart a breadstick.

"I'm sure you have awhile to wait," she replied.

"Where's the baby's father?" Frankie asked. "Wasn't he in the delivery room with her? Or is he like Paul and sat out in the hallway?"

"The baby's father left town as soon as he knew she was pregnant; he doesn't want anything to do with her or the baby."

"That's real nice," her brother said. "That jackass abandons her and then her parents turn their back on her. Why didn't she come to us?"

"I don't know," Johanna answered. "Maybe she was worried it would cause problems between you and Colleen."

Frankie scoffed. "I've had a problem with Colleen since the day she was born."

"I can't believe her and Paul are so out of touch with reality," Johanna said. "I mean what year do they think it is?"

"I told you long ago that they're weird," Frankie responded. "The Westons all have a huge stick stuck up their asses."

"It's time they get it removed."

"I don't think that's going to happen," her brother muttered.

'Did you get Sammi's phone number?" Valerie asked.

"Yeah, she gave it to me."

"Good; give it to me before we leave and I'll call her tomorrow and let her know that her and baby are more than welcome to come to our house too."

'I will," Johanna replied. "With the exception of Lindsey, who did go in the delivery room with her, I think she feels alone in the world."

'We'll make sure she doesn't feel that way anymore," Jim told her. "I talked to Antonio about drawing up those custody papers for her too, he agreed that it would be best for her to have the papers giving her full legal custody so that jackass can't come back and try to take the baby sometime down the road. I told him we'd take care of his fee."

"Good," Johanna replied. "I'll let her know that it's going to be taken care of."

"Colleen needs taken care of," Frankie stated. "First she's a total bitch to Katie when she went and talked to her about you; she won't even pick up the phone and call and talk to you; and now she's turned her back on her daughter and grandchild. What's she going to do next?"

"I'm afraid to know," she remarked. "And despite it all; I'd still like to talk to her."

"You can't change her, Johanna," her brother told her. "She's been a selfish brat all of her life and she's never going to change."

"I can deal with her hating me…although I wish I could fix that," she replied. "I just wish I could do something for Sammi in that regard…like knock some sense into Colleen and make her wake up and realize what she's giving up. I couldn't see my daughter for a long time and I would've given anything to be here, seeing her as often as possible…and Colleen's just throwing her child away."

Jim found her hand and gave it a squeeze. "Colleen's never been the mother you are, Jo. She's never been the mother Valerie is. She just isn't the maternal type."

"Well she has kids, she has a grandson; she could give more effort to being that type."

"She needs to give more effort at being a human being," Frankie declared. "But she won't…I don't know what went wrong with her, but whatever it was, it must've started in the womb…maybe Mom drank too much wine before discovering she was pregnant."

"Or she's taking after some nasty ancestor that we never knew," Johanna said as she reached for her glass.

Her brother pondered that for a moment. "Dad always said his grandmother was mean."

"That's probably where she gets it from."

"She never used to be so bad," Valerie remarked. "It wasn't until she got with Paul that she went off the deep end. She used to be more tolerable…more normal."

Johanna nodded. "Yeah; there was a definite change after she met Paul. I liked Paul at first but then his true colors starting slipping out."

"Paul's an ass," Frankie stated. "I never did like him; I'm glad you did better at picking a husband, Sis."

"Thanks," Jim replied with a laugh.

Frankie chuckled. "You're welcome; you got be my favorite brother-in-law."

"It wasn't like I had much competition," he responded.

"But still; you're way better than Paul. At least one sister had sense."

"And at least I had one sibling who's willing to speak to me," Johanna declared, raising a glass to her brother."

"No regrets about that," Frankie told her. "We're here for you."

"I know, and I'm grateful."

"You don't have anything to worry about from this corner," Valerie added. "I have pictures of Ally for you; I'll give them to you after we finish dinner."

Johanna smiled. "Now that's good news. I can't wait to see her in person one day soon, hopefully."

"Greg can't wait for you to see her either," Valerie replied. "He's so happy to know you're home. He can't wait to see you either."

The thought made her happy and she found Jim's hand once more and held it for a moment, wanting to share the feeling with him. Her dinner party had been a good idea after all; it was so nice to be there with Jim and her brother and sister-in-law. It felt like old times; it felt like settling in more ways. It was well worth the small bout of nerves she had suffered through…and she hoped that Jim saw it as a sign that she was willing to socialize more…which would help her case when it came to getting her own car.

* * *

"I had been hoping that you might suggest a repeat of our last movie night," Jim said lightly as he and Johanna curled up on the couch together later that evening.

She smiled at him. "It seemed like the perfect ending for our weekend. We went out a little bit yesterday; today we had family over for dinner…I think we had a pretty nice weekend."

"We did," he agreed. "I hope it's a trend that continues…it feels like things are settling down a little."

"For the moment," she murmured; thinking about her plan and the inevitable return of the media. "I don't think it's a permanent settling yet."

"I know," Jim replied as he threaded his fingers through her hair. "But it's nice just the same."

"I agree…I just wish it was permanent."

"It will be; we just have to wait it out, sweetheart."

"I know."

"You did good yesterday," he murmured. "You were a little more relaxed when we went out."

She nodded against him. "I'm trying to do better."

"I know, and you are. We had a good day out yesterday. I know you don't really like to go out at night and I don't blame you for it, but at least you felt better about being out in the daytime."

Johanna was glad that he had noticed; she wanted him to know that she could go out without falling apart…that it was a sign she was ready for a little more independence. "It felt good," she told him.

"I'm glad."

"It was nice to have company tonight too…and Sammi the other day."

"It was good to have Frankie and Valerie here," Jim agreed. "It was good to see Sammi and the baby too. Most of all, I liked seeing you so happy to have other people around."

"It's not that I don't want to be around people…it's that they don't seem to want to be around me," Johanna remarked.

"The people who don't understand what we've been through don't matter. If they want to stick their noses up in the air and be offended, so be it. In my opinion it shows that they never thought much of us in the first place."

"I wouldn't include both of us in that statement, just me. I'm positive your relatives care about you."

"Well if they don't care about my wife then I don't care about them," he said firmly. "Andrew is the exception; as soon as business slows down he'll be around with Gabby so you can meet her."

"That'll be nice."

"Maybe some others will come around now too; Sammi might've started a trend and a few other nieces and nephews will show up on the door step."

"I'd like that…I want to see Greg," she murmured.

Jim kissed her head. "Sweetheart, there's no doubt in my mind that you'll see your favorite sometime in the near future."

"I love all of them," she replied at the mention of Greg being her favorite, a smile touching her lips as her fingers traced a pattern on his chest.

"I know you do, but Greg was always your favorite. He's the one that made you a first time aunt and he's extra special to you…Anna."

"Do you think he'll still call me that?"

"I don't see why not; he was still calling you Anna when he was in college."

She laughed softly. "That's true."

"You'll see him…I'm sure they'll start coming around. Greg and Claire; Trevor when he isn't traveling. Lindsey will find her way too now that Sammi has probably given her the green light."

"I doubt Colleen's boys will though."

"Then they can stay away and keep being her lap dogs," Jim remarked. "You'll be meeting Gabby; and I'm sure Angie will be around and whenever Mikey gets to town he'll probably stop by and Danny and Alicia. Let's not forget you'll have great nieces and nephews to spoil too. You've already met Dylan, you'll need to get your hands on Ally; Angie has a little girl you haven't seen yet, plus her boys to get reacquainted with. Alicia has three kids…"

"Stop; I'm starting to feel old," Johanna laughed.

Jim chuckled quietly. "You're far from old, sweetheart. You have Frankie and Valerie and Andrew doesn't have any hard feelings. There's Jeff and Zach…"

"But no Sharon and no Maggie," she said softly. "No Sally since she moved away. My cousins are scattered across the country."

"We'll work on that," he said gently, wishing that he could give her the friends she so desperately needed.

"I don't think there's much hope where Sharon's concerned."

"Don't give up hope just yet; she might just be slow."

"Aunt Bridget's still in Long Island," she said softly. "But I don't know how she'd take hearing from me."

"I'm sure she'd love to hear from you; you were always her favorite…her bonus child, she called you."

"She's getting up there in age though…it might not be good for her."

"Frankie said she's fine."

"I know…I just…I'm not sure I'm ready to take the risk, you know?"

He knew; she wasn't ready to take the risk of being rejected when so many had already slammed the door in her face and others had yet to put in a call, appearance or two cents via someone else. "You'll know when the time is right," he told her. "For now we'll just be patient and maybe people will surprise us."

"That would be nice," she replied, thinking that maybe surprises wasn't a good topic since she was planning that surprise of her own. With that thought in mind, she grew quiet and focused on the movie.

* * *

She should be sleeping, Johanna mused as she laid awake in the middle of the night, but her mind wasn't ready to rest yet despite the fact that she had clicked the television back on and tried to focus on the sitcom on the screen. She had an enjoyable evening, dinner with Frankie and Valerie had been nice and another at home movie night with her husband had been cozy and wonderful too. She should be able to sleep…but she couldn't…not when she knew that she had made up her mind to go out the next day and get a car; if she could find someone to go with her that was. She pulled the covers more tightly around her, her stomach feeling like a hundred butterflies had been let loose in it.

It wasn't that she thought she was making the wrong decision, she didn't…she was just nervous about the fallout that would come from it. Jim was going to be mad at her and she hated it when he was angry with her…which was why she was hoping that the coziness of the last few days would soften the blow. There was also her own doubts to contend with, despite believing that she was making the right decision. Was it too soon? Was she really ready to venture out on her own? What if something happened? What if it caused more trouble than she anticipated? Would Jim forgive her easily…or would it be a sore spot between them for a long time?

Her stomach churned and she started to wonder if maybe a car wasn't the right decision after all. Maybe she wasn't ready. Maybe it wasn't worth rocking the boat with her husband. Did she really need a car in the driveway? Was there anywhere she needed to go that couldn't wait for Jim to take her? An image of Kate popped into her mind. Her daughter had a dangerous job, she could get hurt…what if she needed her and Jim wasn't home? What if Jim was hurt or sick and she needed to get to him? What if there was some reason he couldn't take her to the store or wherever else she wanted to go? What if his car was broke down? Having her own car was practical; she needed it in case of emergencies and they needed it in case Jim's car had any problems. This wasn't just about her having a little freedom; it was logical, it was practical, it was a step she needed to take. She'd had her own car since Katie was born; there was no reason not to have one now.

She could do this, it would be alright; it was time. Jim would be mad, they might have an argument, but he'd forgive her…at least she hoped so, he always did, so really the purchase of a car shouldn't change that trend…at least she hoped it wouldn't. She wished she had sign, something to tell her that she was making the right choice.

" _You can't hide a wounded heart forever."_ The words popped into her head out of the blue, the line from her grandmother's diary echoing through her mind. Maybe that was her sign; maybe someone up above was making her recall that line so that she'd stick to her plan. She sighed; it wouldn't be easy…but she'd faced harder things. She could get through this; it might cause a stir, but she could handle it.

With the thought in mind, Johanna scooted closer to Jim and curled up against his back, her arm wrapping around him tightly, her leg tangling with his as she breathed in his scent and soaked up his warmth.

"Are you okay, sweetheart?" Jim asked sleepily.

"Yes," she whispered. "Just cold."

"Come here," he murmured as he turned over and pulled her close to his chest. "I'll keep you warm."

She snuggled as close as possible, hoping that they be this comfortable tomorrow night if she had a car sitting in the driveway.


	8. Chapter 8

_Authors Note: Okay guys, I know I said I was going to wait awhile before posting but this chapter is a little smaller than the others and it seems like everyone might be caught up now. Thanks for your reviews as always._

Chapter 8-Shake It Off-Part 1

" _I'm just going to shake it off"-Taylor Swift_

Johanna was doing her best that morning to act natural as the prospect of actually going out and buying a car tied her stomach into a knot. It just wouldn't do for Jim to be suspicious of her. He had already looked at her oddly when she began to make the bed as soon as she had chased him out of it so he could get ready for work. She had explained away his curiosity by telling him that she wanted to get her morning housework finished early so she could settle down with Sarah's diary before her daytime shows came on. He seemed to have believed that easily enough, as he had shook his head while reaching into the closet for his clothes, and told her that she'd regret devouring her grandmother's diary so quickly.

She was afraid to say too much at breakfast as she might give herself away, so she stayed quiet, allowing Jim to become absorbed in his newspaper. The quiet gave her time to mull over her plan, however, which only made her more nervous as she went over her checklist once more. She had double checked the balance of her bank account that held the money she had been hording in Wyoming. There was more than enough to get a nice used car and pay all the DMV fees and the cost of adding it to Jim's insurance. Speaking of insurance, her husband was thankfully a creature of habit and she had found his insurance information in the usual desk drawer while he had been out Sunday afternoon, reluctantly helping his sister with her leaky faucet. She had tucked the extra insurance card in her purse, along with her papers from the F.B.I in case there was any question about her identity.

Johanna picked up her glass of orange juice and took a sip; hopefully questions about her identity wouldn't come up seeing as how Agent Jenkins had made it relatively easy for her to get her New York driver's license back. She was sure she had thought of everything; money, insurance, identity, and an ad for a car lot that wasn't too far away. Now all she needed was for someone to take her to get it all done…and she hoped the person she had picked would cooperate. With that thought in mind, she glanced at the clock on the wall. "Jim, you better get a move on," she gently suggested.

"You're right," he replied as he looked at his watch and then finished off his coffee. "I guess I neglected you this morning."

"No, not at all," she replied softly as she rose and followed him to the counter where he had left his briefcase. "After all, we did spend a nice evening together last night."

He smiled as his arms slipped around her. "Yes we did; we need to have a movie night more often."

"I agree," Johanna said warmly before capturing his lips in a kiss.

"What are you going to do today?" her husband asked as he continued to hold her.

"I told you; I'm going to read my book and watch my shows…probably do some cleaning or something…wait for you to come home; you know, the usual things," she remarked lightly.

She tried to put too much enthusiasm behind the answer, Jim thought to himself. She was trying not to show him that she'd probably be bored and lonely. Well, he was going to see what he could do to help her out in that department today. He had a couple people in mind to talk to and hopefully things would work out and she'd have a friend to gab with or go shopping with once in awhile. He kissed her lips once more. "I guess I better go."

Johanna nodded and straightened his tie. "Play nice with everyone; I'll see you later."

He gave her a grin. "I'll try. Call if you need me."

"I will," she replied as she walked him to the door. She stood at the back door and watched him pull out of the driveway, giving him a small wave before she shut and locked the door. Nerves fluttered wildly in her stomach, it was time to get her plan moving.

* * *

Castle was frowning at the screen of his laptop when his phone buzzed, alerting him to a new text message. He glanced at his watch, Kate had only been gone for a half hour and she always called instead of texting…besides, a call about a body to save him from the chapter he was wrestling with was probably too much to ask. He grabbed the phone and saw that the message was from Johanna.

"Are you with Katie?" the message read.

Puzzlement furrowed his brow as he typed a reply. "No, I'm home today. Kate left a half hour ago."

He waited a moment to see if there would be a response but when none came, he shrugged and sat the phone aside, poising his hands over the keyboard once more in determination to work out the issue within his story. The phone rang and he blew out a breath as he reached for the device once more. Johanna's name was on the screen and he accepted the call.

"What did I do now?" he asked, meaning the comment to sound lighthearted but instead it came out with the air of annoyance.

Castle cringed as a moment of silence lingered on the other end of the line and began to wonder if maybe she had hung up but finally her voice sounded in his ear.

"You haven't done anything that I know of," Johanna answered; her tone sounding cautious and guarded.

"Is something wrong, Johanna?"

"No; nothing's wrong…I just wanted to ask you something."

"And Kate couldn't be around for it?" he questioned as he recalled her text message.

"I…I thought maybe it would be best if she wasn't."

"Why?"

"I had my reasons. Why aren't you with her, if you don't mind me asking?"

"I'm writing today," Castle answered as he tried to figure out what she was up to.

"I'm sorry, Rick; if I had known you were working on your book I wouldn't have bothered you."

"That's alright, what do you need?"

She hesitated before responding. "Oh it was nothing, don't worry about it. I'll let you get back to work."

"Johanna, what did you want?"

"Nothing; really it wasn't anything important. I should go…and there's no need to mention this to Katie."

"Mention what?" he asked. "You haven't said anything."

"Right. Good luck with your writing," she told him. "Bye."

The line went dead and Castle pulled the phone away from his ear and stared at it. What the hell was that about? He pondered Johanna's call for a minute, trying to figure it out and all he could come up with was that the woman was clearly up to something. He had a feeling that she would've told him what it was if it hadn't been for his gruff tone but he knew that if he called her back that he wouldn't get anything out of her. He thought briefly about calling Kate and telling her that he suspected her mother was up to something but then disregarded the notion as all the evidence he had to give her was the words 'odd phone call from your mother'. No, he wouldn't tell Kate; it would only worry her. It was best to let Johanna deal with whatever problem she had. He had his own problems to deal with.

* * *

"Well that was a bad idea," Johanna said aloud to herself as she leaned against the kitchen counter. It was clear that she wasn't someone he wanted to speak to and she figured that was because of the way their phone call had gone the night Kate had stayed there. She wasn't sorry for telling him how it was and what he needed to think about, it was her daughter after all that he had been hurting with his behavior. She figured as a parent himself, he'd be able to take it…apparently she had been wrong.

She sighed in defeat; of course with her phone call crashing and burning, her plans had gotten blown out of the water. No car buying for her today…or anytime soon for that matter until she found someone else that could take her. She wracked her brain once more but came up empty. Oh well, it was probably the universe siding with Jim, she mused; it was telling her that she needed to stay home. On one hand, the thought was accepted…and on the other, she was disappointed. After having cold feet about the idea all weekend, she felt that she had finally made up her mind to do it.

Johanna glanced down at her bare feet, she hadn't taken into account that her plan would fall apart at the last minute. She figured that she could call a cab and go alone but she didn't like that idea; she'd rather have someone with her, preferably a man as she was well aware of how mechanics and car salesman liked to take advantage of women customers who they thought were totally clueless. She'd get better answers and a better deal if a man went along. She thought of Frankie again but didn't really want to put him in a position where Jim might be angry with him…she'd rather they stay on the right foot. She would've been able to easily get Rick off the hook. "Damn," she said before shoving away from the counter and moving into the living room. There was nothing left to do; the car would have to wait and by rushing through her usual morning chores, she now had more time on her hands then she cared for and it was still early. Apparently it was going to be one of those days.

* * *

An hour later, Castle was still frustrated with his work and he kept thinking about that odd phone call from Johanna. If she was up to something, it was probably best if someone knew about it, he thought to himself. He really should take a break and go over and annoy her until she told him what was on her mind…Kate would probably want him to. In fact he was certain that he should go and find out what was going on with the Beckett matriarch…for Kate's sake after all…not because he was desperate to get away from his computer. Yes, that was it, he thought as he grabbed his phone and keys; he was doing this for Kate...after all, one day she might have to return the favor and keep his mother out of trouble...he was just being loyal...he wasn't desperate to escape his writing...but even as he tried to convince himself, he knew the truth; he was desperate...and maybe even a little worried about what the elder Beckett woman had up her sleeve that might upset any number of apple carts. He was doing the right thing, even if desperation did play a small role.

* * *

Castle wrapped on Johanna's door for a second time, wondering if maybe he should be getting concerned…or if she had peeked out a window and was now avoiding him. Just as he was about to pull his phone from his pocket to call her, the door opened, revealing a sleepy eyed Johanna Beckett through the screen door.

"Did I wake you?" he asked.

"A little," she replied; her voice thick with sleep. "What are you doing here? You're supposed to be writing."

"I was ready to take a break."

She rubbed an eye with the heel of her hand. "I think you took a wrong turn, Rick; Katie's in the other direction."

"I know," he smiled. "But I thought I'd come bother you. Can I come in?"

"Oh, yeah, sure," Johanna replied as she tried to shake off the haze of her nap while she unlocked the screen door and allowed him inside.

Castle followed her into the living room, taking note of the pillow and blanket on the couch that she looked like she'd like to get back to as she gestured toward the chair. He sat down, watching her as she settled down the sofa and pulled her blanket back over her lap.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

"Yeah, why?"

"It's kind of early to be taking a nap."

"It's kind of early to be taking a break from work too," she remarked, trying to stifle a yawn.

"I've been writing most of the night…and have now gotten into a predicament which is why I'm taking a break," he answered as he eyed her. "Did you take something?"

The statement jerked her sleep fogged mind into full alertness. "Like what?"

"You tell me."

Johanna's eyes widened. "Wow, you take an unintentional nap and you get accused of being on drugs," she said with a shake of her head. "Rick, the strongest thing in this house is the prescription I have for my migraines and I only take those as a last resort. I prefer to rely on Advil but I haven't had any of those today…yet. I also haven't been drinking; I haven't had a glass of wine since I lived with Katie and you should know that there isn't any alcohol in this house."

"Well you just seemed…"

"I fell asleep!" she exclaimed. "I didn't have anything to do this morning once the breakfast dishes were washed so I thought I'd just lay here and watch TV for awhile. I dozed off and woke up in a fog when I heard someone knocking on the door. I'm not popping pills; good lord, Rick; what do you take me for?"

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to imply…"

"I never took drugs in my life. I don't even like taking prescriptions from the doctor. Jim has to threaten to shove it down my throat half the time."

Castle held up a hand in surrender. "I said I was sorry, and I wasn't trying to imply that you were a pill popper. I thought maybe you were sick or something."

"I'm not; I just took a nap."

"I believe you…because you're very awake now."

"You can say that again. Now, what are you doing here? Did you get shut out of something at the precinct and you're hoping I can use maternal influence to make Katie let you in?"

"No," he laughed. "They know shutting me out never works…but I do like the idea of using maternal influence on my behalf so I'm going to save that idea for another time."

An amused smile touched her lips. "I can hardly wait."

Castle's gaze fell to the coffee table where a book was lying. It was worn and aged and piqued his curiosity. "That book looks old, what are you reading?"

"It's my grandmother's diary," Johanna answered; before telling him about how Frankie had brought her the box of Sarah's belongings.

"That's amazing," he remarked. "It must be nice for you to have things that belonged to her since you're her namesake."

"It is," she agreed with a smile. "You can look at the diary, Rick; just don't lose my page."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, go ahead."

Castle eagerly picked up the book but was mindful of its age as he carefully paged through it, reading a line or two here and there as he studied the object. "Your grandmother had beautiful handwriting," he commented.

"She did, didn't she?" Johanna agreed. "Her writing was very elegant."

After he had put the diary back in its spot on the coffee table, he glanced at Johanna. "So what did you need this morning when you called me?"

She shook her head. "I told you it was nothing, don't worry about it."

"Johanna," he said lightly. "Do you really expect me to believe that?"

She shrugged; humor lighting up her eyes. "Do you think I'll lose sleep if you don't?"

"Apparently not since you were already napping."

She laughed. "You seem to have a problem with the fact that I took a nap, Rick."

"Well I've never known you to take one before, except that one time when you were exhausted after taking care of Kate after her accident."

"Well I have taken naps before, you know. I used to take them all the time when I was a little girl...I took a few with Katie when she was a baby. It also seems to happen when I'm bored."

Castle nodded in understanding. "You're bored today. Is that why you called, you needed me to amuse you?"

"No."

"Then what was it?"

"You're not going to let this go, are you?" Johanna asked.

"Nope; that's not in my nature...ask your daughter, she'll tell you."

"I think I can take your word for it," she replied. "I called because I needed to run an errand and I didn't know who else to ask."

"Why didn't you just say so?" Castle asked. "I'll take you where you need to go."

"You were busy and I didn't want to bother you."

"It's no bother. I told you, I'm on a break. Where did you want to go?"

Johanna hesitated. "I wanted to go buy a car..."

His brow rose. "A car?"

"Yeah...there's an ad for a car lot in yesterday's paper."

"I uh...I heard that Jim didn't want you to get a car."

"Yeah, I heard that too," she replied. "What exactly have you heard from your end of the grapevine?"

He chuckled lightly, wondering how Kate would like knowing that her mother had just referred to her as a grapevine. "Well I heard that you had mentioned before about getting a car and that he didn't like the idea and said no."

"And what was the opinion of your source...who shall remain nameless of course?"

"My source seemed to be of the same opinion as her fa...as Jim."

"Nice save, Rick," she laughed.

"You could've pretended not to notice...for the sake of my source."

"Your source is safe and her opinion is about what I expected...which is why I told you not to mention my phone call."

"So now that we know the opinions of the parties involved; what are we going to do?"

Johanna shrugged. "I guess that depends on you."

"Why?"

"Because if you're not willing to take me to get a car then I'll have to forget it because I don't have anyone else."

How could he say no to that, he wondered; but still he had to make sure this was something she really wanted to do. "Why do you want to buy a car?"

"Because I have to get out of this habit of being afraid," she answered. "I can't really get over the things I'm afraid of if I don't have any independence. I know Jim's scared to let me go out alone and he's holding on pretty tight to me...and I'm terrified too and I appreciate that he's so protective of me and it's not that I mind or don't want him to be, I do...but if I don't do this now, I'm afraid I never will and I don't want to be like this forever. If I have my own car, I have freedom to come and go as I please without waiting on someone to take me or go with me. I just want to get a nice, used car that will get me around town to the market or to shop and do some visiting if I want. You can't hide a wounded heart forever," she remarked; her gaze drifting towards her grandmother's diary where she had read those words.

"If we do this, do I have to live in fear of Jim?" Castle asked.

Johanna shook her head. "Oh no, I'll get you off the hook, Rick; don't worry. I'll make sure I take all the blame."

"Are you sure you can work that out?"

"Of course; I know how to get myself out of a jam...it just takes a little buttering up; which I've already started doing."

"Yeah well this is kind of a big thing, what do you have planned to save our asses?" he asked.

"Well the first phase, which I like to call Plan A, is serving him a very nice dinner."

"And when that doesn't work?"

"Then there's Plan B."

"Which is?"

"Sex," she answered. "It's rarely ever failed me."

He laughed. "You must think highly of your abilities."

Johanna smirked. "Rick, I've been sleeping with the man since the 70's, I think by now I know how to make it worth it for him."

Castle's jaw dropped, as a surprised laugh spilled from his lips. "Johanna; sometimes you surprise me with the things that come out of your mouth."

"Yeah, I've surprised a lot of people. I think I get it from my grandmother."

"The one that wrote the diary?"

"No; Grandma Sophia; she was Italian. She just said what she wanted, she didn't give a damn."

"Nice to see those family traits living on," he quipped. "I'm afraid to ask if you have a Plan C."

"I do; Plan C is crying. I always hope that I won't get to that one."

"What if none of those plans work?"

"Well then there's Plan D; which is where I throw myself on the mercy of the court."

Castle nodded. "That sounds like it's back to sex."

"If that's what it takes," she answered.

"It's a good thing you took that nap."

Johanna laughed. "Yeah I guess so...and now you see why Katie couldn't be a part of this conversation. She would've cringed herself to death."

"Very true...the only reason I'm not cringing is because you're not my mother."

"I'm sure she's made you cringe though."

"Every chance she gets," Castle replied. "Alright, Johanna; I'll be your accomplice in the crime of car buying...as long as you're swearing to save my ass not only from Jim but from Kate as well if she doesn't like this."

"Cross my heart," she promised. "I'll go get ready."

As she hurried upstairs, Castle hoped that he was doing the right thing.

* * *

When she returned from upstairs, Castle watched as Johanna pulled open the drawer of the stand in the entry way and extracted a handgun and moved to shove it in her purse.

"Uh…I thought we were buying a car," he commented.

She looked at him oddly. "We are."

"Then what's with the gun?" he asked; gesturing at the weapon she held.

Johanna glanced at the gun and then back to him. "I never go out without the gun in my purse, Rick. I have a permit."

"You might have a permit to have a gun but I believe this falls under the concealed weapon category."

"I have a permit for that too," she replied; shoving the gun into her handbag and zipping it shut.

His eyes widened. "How did you get a permit to carry a concealed weapon?"

"It helps to have an F.B.I. agent who's anxious to get you off of his hands," Johanna answered. "He got things straightened out enough so that I could get my driver's license and a bank account, and he got me the permits for the gun."

Castle gave her a teasing smile. "What did you do to that man that makes him jump through hoops to get rid of you, Johanna?"

She smiled but there was sadness in the gesture. "I suppose you could say I spent 13 years brow beating him for information about my family. I called every few months…wanting to know where Jim and Katie were and if they were okay. I wasn't supposed to do that…but I did it anyway."

"Why didn't they send Jim and Kate away with you?" Castle inquired; the question always in the back of his mind.

"That option wasn't offered to me…in fact they seemed to do everything they could to drive it into my mind that it had to be me and me alone and no one could know. They kept telling me that I'd be putting them in danger if they knew…that it had to look authentic, that there couldn't be any doubts…that it had be their way," she answered; her throat tightening. "I was worried that I had already endangered them…and I made the condition that I would only go along with them if they promised to watch my family and to make sure that there weren't any threats to them…and I added that if there was a threat and they had to be moved, that they would be sent to be with me. They promised me that…and I guess I kept calling Agent Jenkins not only because I needed to keep track of Jim and Katie…but because I needed to know they were holding up their end of the bargain."

"You never mentioned that before," he remarked. "Why is that?"

She toyed with the straps of her purse as it sat on the stand. "Everything was such a mess and it didn't seem like something that Katie would want to hear at the time."

"What about Jim?"

"I told him later on," she said quietly; the thought of those days that had turned her world upside down twisting and knotting her stomach even more than it already was. "Rick, I…I think I changed my mind…I don't need a car; Jim's right. I think I'll just stay home. I'm sorry that you came over for nothing."

"Hey, what's with the sudden change? You said you wanted a car so that you could start getting back out there. You said you wanted to feel better."

Johanna shook her head and he took notice of the slight tremor in her hands that always gave her away when she was nervous. "I don't think it's a good idea anymore."

It dawned on him then that by questioning her, he had brought up bad memories and had touched upon the fears she was trying so hard to fight. "You can't back out now," he told her as he reached for her purse and shoved the gun back inside as she pulled it out to put it away. "You want a car and we're going to go get it. I shouldn't have brought up that business from the past, I'm sorry. Don't let it stop you when you were ready to take this step…because that's not going to happen again, Johanna. You're home to stay; no one is going to let anything happen to you again. Now get your jacket and let's go."

She wasn't sure she could but she had a feeling that he wasn't going to let her off the hook now. Slowly she reached for her black jacket and slipped into it, realizing that this would be the first time she had gone further than the mailbox without Jim since she had gotten back from Wyoming. A knot of anxiety tightened in her chest and she tried desperately to squash it.

"What's wrong?" Castle asked as she remained rooted in place.

"I haven't been anywhere without Jim since we got back from Wyoming."

"I'll be with you though," he smiled. "Don't worry, you'll be fine. I wouldn't dare bring you home with so much as a hair out of place in fear that he would hunt me down and hurt me."

She smiled a little. "I know I'll be fine…I just…I'm a baby when it comes to leaving the house, I'm sorry."

"You're not a baby," he replied; taking hold of her elbow and steering her toward the door. "You're just a person who has been through something traumatic and has some lasting effects from it…but the good news is that you're working on it and you're taking this step. Are you ready?"

She never was but she nodded as he opened the door for her. Johanna took a breath and then pushed open the screen door and stepped out onto the porch.

"Are you okay?" Castle asked.

"Yeah, I'm okay," she replied; knowing that the anxiety would ease once she was on her way.

"Alright then, make sure your door is locked and we'll go."

Johanna checked the door and then followed him down the steps and sidewalk. "Where's your car?" she asked.

"Right here," he grinned; gesturing at the red Ferrari at the curb.

Her eyes lit up. "You brought your Ferrari?"

"Well I did promise you a ride," Castle replied as she moved ahead of him to look the car over. "I figured even if I couldn't get out of you what you called for, I could at least take you out for a ride in it like I said I would."

"It's beautiful," Johanna remarked as she admired the car. "My father-in-law would've loved it. He would've made you take him for a ride."

"I would've been glad to do that," he laughed as he unlocked the passenger side door and opened it for her.

She slipped into the passenger seat, her nerves temporarily forgotten as she looked over the inside of the car. "This might be the most expensive car I've ever been in," she commented as Castle slid into the driver's seat. "Jim will be jealous. He loves cars."

"Does he have a sports car stashed away somewhere?" he asked as he turned the key in the ignition.

"If he does I don't know about it. I don't think he could hide a corvette or something like that from me…he'd be too excited about showing it off to keep it to himself."

"It would be a shame to hide away a nice car like that."

"Jim had a Camaro when we met…he loves Camaros for some reason."

"They're nice cars," Castle remarked; sensing that she was still a little nervous about being out of the house without Jim. "I'm surprised they stopped making them."

"They did?"

"Yes," he laughed; "A few years ago."

"Then I guess I can't convince him to treat himself to a new one to make up for me buying myself a car."

"Unless he could find a nice used one that he would like or he waits until they bring them back which I read they're going to do…but I don't think he's going to be fond of the topic of car shopping once he hears about yours."

"That's true. So what's the problem with your book today?" Johanna asked as she relaxed against the seat and changed the subject.

"There always comes a point in the story where I worry," Castle confessed.

"Oh? Why is that?"

"Because sometimes my characters have minds of their own and they want things to go the way they want...and not necessarily the way my readers might want."

Johanna shrugged. "So what's wrong with that?"

He gave her a quick glance. "I think you probably know."

She gave a nod. "You can't please everyone all the time, Rick. Chances are, no matter what you do someone always finds something to fuss about, right?"

He laughed. "Yeah; and I'm sure you know that if you've read my reviews."

Johanna smiled. "Yes, I have read your reviews and the reviews of other authors I enjoy and I admit, sometimes they make me laugh because I wonder how it's possible that we're all reading the same book."

"Things do have a way of being misconstrued or being blown out of proportion," he replied. "Sometimes I have to go back and look at certain passages because they have me convinced that I've written something that I didn't...and it turns out that I always correctly remember what I wrote."

"Then why worry about it?" Johanna asked. "It's your story and I'm sure the majority of your readers trust you enough to know that it'll all work out in the end."

"I know; but it's something a writer never really gets over," Castle remarked. "We know that not every reader will like every thing that we do...but it still makes you pause and doubt your next step sometimes."

"I get it," she replied. "It's kind of like when you're working on a big case and one little thing can make all the difference when it comes to the jury."

"I hadn't thought of the readers being a jury but it makes sense."

"They may be the jury, Rick; but you're the judge."

Castle grinned. "Judge Castle; I like that."

"I had a feeling you would," she said with a soft laugh. "Would I be correct in assuming that your characters are determined to get themselves into a sticky situation?"

"You'd be correct; although the situation was planned...the amount of stickiness wasn't...but I don't feel that it's a bad thing."

"So you're comfortable with where your characters want to go?"

"Yes."

"And if they go down this path they've chosen for themselves; you're confident that you can still get them to where they need to be?"

"Oh absolutely," the writer confirmed. "In fact; it's possible that it might make them stronger than glossing over the issue would."

"Then don't you think you should listen to them instead of worrying so much about the possibility for fuss?" Johanna asked.

He gave a nod. "Yes; and when it's all said and done, nine times out of ten, I do side with my characters."

"Then I guess you don't really have a problem, do you?"

"No, I guess not...but I'll still worry. It just comes with the territory."

"I know all about that territory," Johanna quipped; "But can I tell you something as a reader?"

"Sure," he replied; intrigued about what she had to say on the topic.

"I love your books; I think I've probably read all of them. I favor Nikki Heat; not only because of its connection to Katie but because I'm a woman and it's easy to connect to a main character who is also a woman."

He gave a nod of understanding and she continued on. "What I like when I read a story is that I feel like I'm really reading Nikki's thoughts and feelings; that I'm fully involved in her world. I want to feel like she's telling her story...not you; if you know what I mean by that. I'm afraid I'm not explaining it very well."

"No, I understand exactly what you mean," he answered. "You want to know that the writer is thinking as the character and not as an author."

"Exactly," she replied with a warm smile. "I want it to feel real, I like when things get gritty or tough; those are the things that shape people whether they be real or imagined. Life is a dirty business, people get in sticky situations, couples fight, other people give their advice and two cents. Things go wrong before they go right and sometimes an issue can't be fully resolved within an hour. People get hurt...they forgive, they love again...they grow stronger, they learn from their mistakes and they move forward. Those things make it real, Rick; they make the journey worth the reward at the end. Sure I love the fluffy romantic moments and weddings and babies...but in real life you have to go through things to get there, and I like it to be the same for my favorite characters...because I know that with the help of their writer, they'll get to the place we all want them to be."

Castle smiled. "Maybe I should have you write a forward with that sentiment for my book."

"Your books don't have forwards," she laughed.

"I could start."

"How about I just write it on a few post it notes for you and you can stick them on your desk."

"That works too. Any other words of reader wisdom?"

"No not really; I'm not sure what I said is worth much but I hope it helped...although with the number of best sellers you have to your name that you really don't need to worry."

"I'll keep telling myself that," he remarked with a grin.

Johanna smiled. "If you're really concerned about this crossroads you're at, you could always write it both ways and have someone else read it and give you an opinion."

He shot her a knowing glance. "Do you have anyone in mind for that job, Johanna?"

She shrugged and looked at him innocently. "Well I have some time to kill between Temptation Lane and Ellen...you know, if you wanted to send me an email...or print me off some pages."

He nodded. "That sounds like it could be a good idea. I do trust your judgment as a loyal reader."

"I'd be happy to help."

"I don't have your email address."

"That's easily rectified, Rick. I'd be more than happy to write it down for you."

"You do that...and just maybe you'll find something in your inbox one day soon."

"That would be nice."

Silence fell between them for a moment and he studied the older woman from the corner of his eye as they stopped for a light. "Have you ever done any writing, Johanna?"

"Legal writing," she replied. "Letters, reports, excuses, grocery lists...that sort of thing."

He chuckled lightly. "I think you know that I meant creative writing."

Johanna laughed. "Yeah, I was just trying to wrap my head around that idea and it just wouldn't compute."

"Why not? I think you could probably be good at it."

"Why do you think that?"

"Because you're observant, you're able to see both sides of an issue. You said that you wanted to be an actress when you were a kid so clearly you're imaginative and enjoy storytelling. You like to read and be absorbed in a characters world...and I think you have a way with words."

A shy smile ghosted across her lips as she turned her attention to the scenery outside the window. "That's sweet of you to say but I wouldn't know the first thing about it...and what would I write about anyway?"

He shrugged. "Whatever you want. What about your grandmother? You're reading her diary...a book that has finally caught up with you years after you were supposed to have it. Maybe she wants her story to be told."

Amusement colored Johanna's features. "She was a housewife and a mother, Rick. I'm not sure there's much to tell and it doesn't have a happy ending."

"Neither did Gone With The Wind but it's a beloved classic."

"I don't think Sarah McKenzie can compete with Scarlett O'Hara."

"There has to be something keeping you intrigued with that diary," Castle remarked. "If it was merely a list of household chores and accounts of childbirth, you would've quit reading by now. I'm sure there was more to this woman than just being a wife and mother."

"Well...she sang in the church choir and she worked on various committees...and she campaigned for women's rights!" she exclaimed proudly.

"See, there is more to her than her marital status," Castle quipped.

"But I don't think it's novel worthy."

"Who said it had to be a novel? Write a short story using the things you've learned about her...write about your parents or your story."

"Why would I want to do that?"

"As a hobby," Castle suggested. "You don't have to publish it...you could just do it for you...or for your grandchildren that you'll have one day. Sure you'll tell them stories vocally, about their mother when she was little; about how you met their grandfather and fell in love but you could record those things as well. Write about your grandparents and your parents, tell them what kind of people they were, the stories you remember, the memories you cherish. Your grandchildren would appreciate those things; they'd be learning about you and about where they come from...I'm sure Kate would like it as well."

"I kind of like that idea," Johanna said somewhat shyly. "But I wouldn't know where to begin."

"It's easy," Castle replied. "One day when you're thinking about your mom a lot, sit down and grab a pen and a notebook, or your laptop and start writing about her. There doesn't have to be an order to it; just write down whatever you're remembering. Then when you're done, put it away. If writing about your mother makes you think about her mother, then write about her next. You can take your time, you can add to it whenever you want...and maybe when you get to certain relatives like your dad...you might end up feeling a little better about that person. It might be healing for you in some ways."

Her teeth worried her lower lip as she considered that. "Maybe I'll give that some thought, Rick."

* * *

There were times when Kate welcomed a slow day at work. There were times when it was incredibly nice to not have a new case that needed attention, to be able to take a break from chasing down suspects. Having a small amount of paperwork was also usually a reason for rejoicing. Today, however, she wouldn't mind a little excitement, she thought as she hid a yawn behind her hand. She was so bored that she was sure she'd be asleep in a matter of seconds if she put her head down on the desk…and she was tempted to test the theory but figured it wouldn't be wise with Captain Gates in residence.

She turned her chair to see what Ryan and Esposito were doing as they seemed to be unusually quiet. She quelled the urge to laugh as her eyes landed on Ryan, his elbow propped on his desk and his hand cradling his chin. Despite his attempt to look as though he was studying his computer screen, she was certain that he was asleep. Kate smirked and turned her gaze towards Esposito. He was staring off into space, an intense look on thought on his face. She wondered if he was thinking about the meaning of life or merely deciding what to have for lunch.

Checking to see that Gates was occupied, Kate wadded up a ball of paper and threw it at Esposito, hitting him in the face and jerking him from his thoughts. "Don't think so hard, Espo; you're liable to strain something."

"What?" he asked, shaking off his daydream. "Do we have a body?"

"Just Ryan's," she quipped with a nod toward his partner.

Esposito glanced to Ryan and gave the man's arm a shove, causing Ryan's hand to fall away from his chin and his face to smack off the keyboard.

"What's going on?" Ryan asked as he jerked upwards and subtly rubbed his face.

Kate laughed. "Guess I was wrong, Espo; it's alive."

"Just barely," he remarked.

"Look what you made me do," Ryan exclaimed as he gestured toward his computer; his web page gone from the screen. "I was reading that."

"You were not," his partner stated.

"I was to."

"Then what was it about?"

"I don't know, that's why I was reading it…if I knew what it was about I wouldn't need to read it."

Esposito glanced at her. "What do you think, Beckett?"

"I think he was asleep."

"Me too."

"I wasn't," Ryan argued. "I was thinking."

"About what?"

"It's personal."

"I think you were thinking about sleeping on the job," Kate laughed; "At least until your face smacked off the keyboard."

Ryan smirked at her. 'Sometimes I hate you both."

They laughed and then it grew quiet until Esposito broke the silence. "Damn this day is dragging."

"I know," she agreed. "It's driving me crazy."

"Let's call Castle and help him write his book," Ryan suggested.

"I don't think that would be a good idea," Beckett stated.

"Why not?" the men asked in unison.

"Because with the two of you on the phone, he wouldn't get anything done…or the book would end up being and ode to the two of you."

"As opposed to being an ode to you?" Esposito asked.

Her eyes narrowed in amusement. "The next time I throw something at you; it's going to be my fist."

"You wouldn't do that to me," the detective replied.

"Try me."

"Ryan, would Beckett do that to me?"

He nodded. "Absolutely...and I'd watch."

"Traitor," Esposito muttered.

Kate's cell phone rang, sparing her from having to wade into the debate about Ryan's loyalty and she turned away from them to grab the device. "Is it Castle?" Ryan asked.

"No; it's my father, nosy," she said lightly before accepting the call. "Hey Dad; is something wrong?"

"Does something have to be wrong for me to call you?" Jim asked.

"No, of course not...but sometimes you have a reason; especially during working hours."

"Well I do have a reason but it isn't anything bad. Are you working a case?"

"No; as a matter of fact I'm ready to lose my mind from boredom."

"Good," Jim laughed. "Then you'll be inclined to have lunch with your father."

Kate smiled. "I'd love to have lunch with you, Dad."

"I was hoping you'd say that. I have to interview someone for this case I'm working on for Craig but I should be done before noon. Is 12 convenient for you?"

"Yeah; that'll work. If something comes up I'll call and let you know."

"Okay, do you want to meet at the usual place or do you want to go somewhere else?"

"The diner will be fine, Dad."

"Sounds good to me...and you're coming alone, right?"

"What?" she laughed.

Jim chuckled. "It's nothing against Rick; I'd just like for you to come by yourself this time."

"I'll be alone; Castle isn't with me today."

"Good...and Katie, if you should happen to talk to your mother between now and then, don't mention this to her."

"Why not? Are we conspiring against her?"

"No; nothing like that."

"Are you thinking ahead to Christmas and need gift suggestions? Are you starting to worry that you can't top that anniversary gift? Because I have to tell you that you can't."

"You don't think so?"

"No. I looked that necklace up online and I know what you paid for it," Kate said; adding a soft whistle for effect. "You won't be topping that."

"I didn't realize you were nosy enough to look up your mother's gift online, Katie."

"I wasn't being nosy...I was curious...and then when I saw that price tag I had the urge to make your ringtone 'Hey Big Spender'."

"She was worth every penny," Jim remarked. "You didn't tell her what it cost, did you?"

"No; I've kept that to myself."

"Good; and just for the record; no, I'm not looking for gift advice at this time."

"Dad, are you sure there's nothing wrong?"

"Everything's fine, Katie. I just thought it would be nice to see my daughter. We always have met up for lunch now and then, you know."

"I know...I guess I just worry."

"So do I; but nothing's wrong. I just want to see you."

She couldn't shake the feeling that he had a reason for wanting to see her but she brushed it aside. She'd find out soon enough. "Okay, Dad; I'll see you in a little while."

"Wait," Esposito called out; "Don't hang up yet."

"Why?" she asked.

"Ask him if your mom has baked anything that Ryan and I need to go pick up."

"Seriously?" she asked.

"We'll do a security check while we're there," Ryan responded.

"What's going on, Katie?" Jim asked.

"The moochers want to know if Mom has baked anything. They're willing to go do a security check so they can stuff their faces."

Jim laughed. "I'm sorry to disappoint them but she hasn't baked anything this week. If she does, I'll let you know. With me working on this case so much, and talk of me working on another one when this one wraps up; I wouldn't mind giving them an excuse to go over and check on things once in awhile when I'm not home."

"She's okay at the house, Dad."

"I know...but I'm never going to stop worrying about her, Katie; just like I've never stopped worrying about you."

"I know."

"I better get back to work so I can meet you on time," Jim stated. "We'll talk more later."

Kate said goodbye and ended the call and then turned back to the boys. "I'm sorry to inform you that there aren't any baked goods at this time. However, my father seems to like the idea of trading baked goods for security checks so there will probably be some in your future. He doesn't like her to be alone too much."

"We don't have a problem stopping by," Ryan remarked.

"Yeah, especially when we get cookies. Your mom has a knack for making the perfect cookie," Esposito remarked. "It's not too soft and it's not too crunchy. It's just right."

Kate eyed him with an amused smirk. "So what are you saying, Espo? You have a Goldilocks complex? The first cookie was too soft, and the next cookie was too hard but the third cookie was just right?"

He glared at her. "You're cold, Beckett."

"Hey, I just call them as I see them," she replied.

"Yeah, Javi" Ryan agreed; "And we can see you skipping down a country lane in a blond wig and a gingham dress."

"Oh yeah," his partner shot back. "Well I can see you skipping through the woods with a picnic basket like Little Red Riding Hood."

"Oh God," Kate muttered. "I should've left you two in hibernation mode."

"If you want to play, you have to pay, Beckett," Esposito remarked.

She nodded. "I think it's safe to say that I've learned my lesson."

* * *

Castle noticed that the closer they got to the car lot, the more Johanna's foot tapped against the floor. Maybe she wasn't ready, he thought to himself. Maybe she needed more time and he shouldn't have told her that she couldn't back out now. It might be best for both of them if she did. He was worried about Jim getting angry with him for escorting his wife to do something that he didn't want her to do. He also worried about what Kate might think about it; on one hand she wanted her mother to be more out going and to stop hiding so much and yet on the other hand, she had mentioned that she was in agreement with her father and felt that her mother shouldn't be out on her own.

He probably should've stayed out of this and ignored Johanna's call since she had hung up without telling him anything but his curiosity had gotten the best of him. Hadn't he learned yet that curiosity always got him into some kind of sticky situation? He couldn't back out on her now, that wouldn't be right…and maybe she really did need to this. He shouldn't have allowed the conversation to lapse; Johanna had been more relaxed when they were talking. That was probably the key to keeping her calm and her mind off of things…she had mentioned that she didn't like the quiet.

There wasn't time to start a new line of conversation however as he pulled up in front of the dealership. He parked the car and shut off the engine but left the key in the ignition as he turned to look at his silent companion. "Johanna, are you sure you want to do this?" he asked.

Johanna clutched her purse as her teeth worried her bottom lip. She'd been asking herself that same question for the last ten minutes and she still hadn't come to a clear conclusion. Her mind kept jumping back in forth between asking him to take her back home to telling herself that it was time to shake this off…isn't that what her father always said when she and her siblings had been kids? Whenever they'd cry when they hurt themselves and Naomi McKenzie wasn't present to offer comfort and band aids; their father would always look at them and tell to go out in the yard and rub some dirt on it; and when they finished doing that, they were to shake off whatever had happened and go about their business.

She never grasped the concept of rubbing dirt on a wound…and she certainly couldn't do it to the wounds she held inside that marred her soul.

"Johanna?" Castle said again as she remained silent. "Do you want to do this?"

Johanna closed her eyes for a moment; she did want to…but she also didn't….and suddenly she wasn't sure if she could; but now she had to make up her mind once and for all.

 _...to be continued_


	9. Chapter 9

_Authors Note: Thanks for your reviews._

Chapter 9- Shake It Off-Part 2

" _I'm just going to shake it off"- Taylor Swift_

"Johanna?" Castle said once again as the woman in the passenger seat remained quiet, her gaze locked on the scene outside her window.

She worried her bottom lip for a moment and then seemed to draw herself up as she reached for the door handle. "I'm ready," she stated.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes," she said, bobbing her head in a slight nod. "Let's go find a car."

They got out of the car and walked silently onto the car lot. "What kind of car are you looking for?" Castle asked her.

"I'll know when I see it," Johanna answered; her gaze scanning row after row of shiny, freshly washed used cars.

They scanned most of the lot, Castle pointing out certain cars along the way only to be met with a wrinkle of her nose and a dismissive shrug. Apparently she was on the prowl for something specific and special, he thought to himself. He was beginning to think that they weren't going to find anything there to suit her but then she paused in her tracks and smiled.

"That's the one I want," Johanna declared.

Castle's gaze followed in the direction that she was looking. "Which one? The Dodge Neon? Those are supposed to be good cars."

"No! The red Mustang."

"The Mustang!" he exclaimed as she began walking toward it.

"Yes, I've always wanted a Mustang."

He hated to dampen her enthusiasm as he followed her but he didn't really think it was an appropriate choice. "What about the Dodge; it's nice," he said, pointing to the black car that sat beside the red Mustang.

"No. I want this one," she stated as she peered in the windows.

"Don't you think you're …uh…kind of…mature for that car."

Johanna's head shot up and she raised her sunglasses to look at him. "Did you just call me old?"

"No," Castle replied with a shake of his head. "I said you were mature."

"That's even worse!" she hissed in a quiet voice. "I am not decrepit! I'm only 61 and I don't even feel that old. I only feel about 40…45 on a bad day. I don't even have to dye my hair yet! I may have to wear reading glasses but that's the only problem I have and I don't even think that's really age related given that there are children who have reading glasses. I am in excellent health. I am not old!"

"I'm surprised that you didn't mention that you still have a sex life as another example of not being old."

"It goes without saying," Johanna remarked. "I'm not an old lady."

He held up his hands in surrender. "You're right, you're a woman in your prime. I'm sorry for offending you and suggesting otherwise. Please forgive me."

"I'll think about it," she replied, allowing her sunglasses to drop back into place.

Castle bit back a smile; a woman who could get that riled at the slightest provocation and talked of seducing her husband definitely didn't fit into the category of being old. Apparently she and Martha Rodgers were cast from the same dye. They collected candles on their birthday cakes but they refused to get old…they railed against it somehow, keeping themselves young and graceful.

"Maybe what I meant to say was that you should consider something that isn't this bright," he commented. "How about something in black?"

"No. I want red; red is my favorite color."

"People notice red cars."

"I don't give a damn. I've always wanted a red car."

"But, Johanna…"

"I want this car, Rick."

"I really think you should consider something else."

"This is what I want."

"We still have a few cars that we haven't looked at."

"This one," she said firmly. "It has to be this one."

"Why?" he asked.

"Because it's the one I want."

Castle blew out a breath. "You're not going to budge?"

"Nope."

He didn't get time to comment on that as a salesman approached them and introduced himself as Sal Bagatelli. "What can I help you with today?" he asked.

"We'd like to know more about this car," Johanna replied with an easy smile, not bothering to introduce herself.

The man launched into his sales approach, extolling the virtues of the car, its low mileage and how it had been garage kept. He remarked that it had new breaks and tires and had passed all the state mandated safety inspections with flying colors. "It's a steal at this price," he remarked with a smile.

"May I look it over?" Castle asked.

"Of course," the salesman said jovially. "It's always nice to see a son looking out for his mother, isn't it?"

Johanna swallowed a laugh but smiled in amusement. "Oh yes, I'm very lucky that Ricky here could come along with me today."

Mr. Bagatelli smiled. "I'll go get the keys."

When he was out of ear shot, Castle glanced at Johanna with a raised brow. "Ricky?"

"I play the cards I'm dealt, Macaroni."

"Would a loving mother call her son macaroni?" he asked.

She nodded. "With affection of course."

The salesman returned with the keys and handed them to Castle so that he could unlock the car and pop the hood. He looked over the car as best as he could and made a mental note to send a text to a friend who was a mechanic if she did buy the car. He'd have her stop and have the car looked over by him just to be sure. "It looks good," he told Johanna.

"I told you it was an excellent car," Bagatelli said before Johanna could even comment. "I don't lie to my customers. Shall we talk about a deal?"

"No, let's talk about a test drive first," Johanna replied. "I never buy a car without driving it first."

The salesman smiled. "Of course you wouldn't; I got ahead of myself, please forgive me. I'll put a tag on the car so that you can take it for a test drive."

"He's anxious," Johanna commented as the man retreated to his office once more.

"Very; he can probably smell your checkbook."

"They always do," she replied.

* * *

The test drive had been akin to an amusement park ride, Castle thought to himself as he climbed out of the passenger seat of the red mustang.

"Get that look off your face," Johanna told him. "The car did wonderfully."

"It's not the car that caused the look of terror," he replied. "It was you. You did not drive like that when you drove Kate's car that one time."

"Well of course not, that wasn't my car and besides, I was in a slow driving mood that day."

"It's a shame you weren't in one today," he remarked. "You were over the speed limit…by a good bit, might I add."

"You've already added it so many times that I'm not liable to forget it," Johanna said as she admired the car once more. "So I like to drive a little fast, I'm careful. I'm in control."

"And what about when you're playing with the radio?"

"I'm still in control," she insisted. "My eyes are on the road."

"With only one hand on the wheel."

"I was driving before you were born," Johanna remarked. "Don't give me a driver's ed lecture. I know what I'm doing. I don't speed all the time…just some of the time."

"Like when Cher's on the radio and you're feeling the groove?"

She eyed him as she pointed a finger at him. "What did I tell you? You do not disrespect Cher."

"I was not disrespecting Cher…I was merely suggesting that…"

Johanna held up a hand. "I've already heard your suggestions. In fact, I've heard them in the past from my husband and if I didn't pay heed to it from him, I'm not likely to pay you any mind either so, you know, save your breath and get ready to wheel and deal because our happy go lucky salesman is still smiling."

"What do you think of this little beauty?" Mr. Bagatelli asked.

"I think she's great," Johanna remarked. "Except for that price tag."

He pretended to look stunned. "But she's a steal at this price. She's under Blue Book."

Johanna turned her attention to Castle. "Is there anyway you can check that information on your phone?"

"Sure thing," he replied; pulling out his cell phone and tapping in commands as Sal Bagatelli shifted on his feet.

Castle obtained the information and held the phone out so that she could see it. "Mr. Bagatelli," she said with a touch of disappointment; "It's never good to start off a deal with a lie. That's not good business…in fact it could be construed as false advertisement and that could get you into trouble and you wouldn't want that, now would you?"

His jaw tightened slightly. "Not at all; please forgive me. Apparently I was mistaken about the blue book listing. I'll take a thousand off."

"No you'll take 1500 off," Johanna replied. "That will bring it down under the blue book value as you said it was…and you do want to keep your word about that, don't you?"

His smile wasn't as jovial but he nodded. "Alright, I'll take the 1500 off in light of the blue book incident. Do we have a deal?"

"We have a deal that we have a new starting price," she replied. "We'll call it the correct starting price. Now, there are a few minor issues that take away from the value. There's a small dent here," she said, pointing an area on the fender.

"That?" he laughed. "That's hardly worth mentioning."

"If it wasn't worth mentioning, I wouldn't have brought it up," Johanna remarked firmly. "There's another small ding on the back passenger door; it's much smaller than the dent I'm showing you but it's there all the same."

"Those little dings give it character," he stated; patting the trunk lid of the car.

She laughed. "Yeah, well, I still have a few stretch marks from having a baby; do they give me character and entitle me to be worth more than I thought? Or do I get a discount for having character?"

Castle coughed to disguise a laugh but he could tell that the salesman wasn't as amused as he was. "I don't believe it's quite the same," Bagatelli stated.

"It is; it's just as ridiculous as your claim and you know it."

"Perhaps I should deal with your son? I'm sure we could come to a reasonable agreement that will suit you."

"No, you'll deal with me," Johanna retorted. "It's my money, I'll say how much of it gets spent."

"Fine; I'll take off another $250 for the dings."

"$750."

"$350."

"$500 and not a penny less."

Sal rocked on his heels, sizing up his opponent and seeing that she wouldn't budge. "Fine, I'll take off another $500. Are we ready to move into the office and sign the papers?"

"There's the matters of the scratches in the paint."

"The car is 12 years old; of course there will be a few scratches. You can barely see them. They probably come from someone cleaning snow off the car in the winter. It's still beautiful and shiny."

"It is beautiful…but it does detract from value even if they are small."

"Get a paint job if they bother you."

"Paint jobs cost money, Mr. Bagatelli. If I have to put out money to have the car painted and the cost of labor for that, I think it should come off the price of the car."

Castle smiled as he silently watched the exchange. She was a shrewd business woman and an excellent haggler.

"I'll take off another $200, and that's it."

"$600."

"Out of the question!" he exclaimed. "300."

"Take off another 350 and give me a warranty and you have a deal," Johanna replied.

The salesman eyed her and she could see an angry tick at the corner of his mouth. He was a man that didn't like to be beaten. Well she was a woman who didn't like to pay more than she had to and she also didn't like to be beaten.

"Deal," he said grudgingly. "Let's move into the office and get the paperwork taken care of."

She smiled proudly and looked to Castle. "Come along, Ricky."

"Right behind you, Mother," he replied with a grin, his gaze meeting the mischievous sparkle in her green eyes.

* * *

They moved into the cramped office of the salesman and began going through the motions with the paperwork as Johanna wrote out a check for the price of the car. She was somewhat relaxed as they went through the process, the salesman hadn't recognized her and hopefully he wouldn't pay her name any attention either, she thought to herself as she handed him the signed contract along with her check.

"Beckett," the salesman stated, recognition flicking across his face as he looked from Johanna's signature to her face.

Johanna stiffened. "What of it?"

He smirked. "I guess there was more than one person not telling the truth today."

"I don't recall lying to you. You didn't ask my name."

"No but you said that he was your son," Bagatelli stated, his gaze flicking toward Castle. "If I recall correctly from the numerous news reports about you, Mrs. Beckett, you have a daughter…and he's her over hyped tag along writer."

"Could be worse, I could be a used car salesman," Castle quipped as he eyed the man sternly.

"And you're the one who called him my son," Johanna remarked. "I think of Rick as family so I didn't bother to correct you as I didn't want to embarrass you…people who assume things are often embarrassed, you know."

"A likely story. I think you're a woman who likes to tell stories. If I had known who you were, I would've gotten the asking price for this car."

Her eyes narrowed. "No, I assure you that I wouldn't have. I would've taken my business elsewhere. I'd do that now but it's too late. Now what does my identity have to do with anything?"

A slimy smile spread across his lips. "If I had known who you were, I would've let you have the car for the price we agreed on but you would've paid me the rest to keep my mouth shut."

"Meaning?" she asked tartly.

"Meaning I'm sure there are a few members of the press who would be glad to know what kind of car you're driving."

"You won't disclose that information, Mr. Bagatelli," Johanna stated evenly. "To do so would be in violation of my right to privacy. The only people allowed to obtain information from you about me and my purchase is the department of motor vehicles and law enforcement agencies if they for some reason would need the information. If you provide my personal information to the media, I will sue you."

"You're not a lawyer anymore," he smirked.

Her brow rose in challenge. "You'd be surprised how easily that can be rectified," she retorted. "But there's no need to, my husband is a lawyer and I can state with certainty that he'd have no qualms about taking the case."

"And if he should need assistance," Castle spoke up; "I'm sure my lawyer would be glad to provide it. He comes highly recommended."

Those remarks seemed to wipe the smirk off the salesman's face and he returned his attention to the tasks of finishing up the sale.

Johanna's gaze slid toward Castle and he gave her a silent look of assurance as she tried to keep from squirming in her seat. Finally, Mr. Bagatelli handed over her paperwork and the keys and told her that she could leave the car there until she had gone to the DMV. She wished that she could go ahead and take it but she needed tags for on it first. She couldn't risk going without them.

"Well he's a creep," Castle said quietly as he escorted Johanna back to his car.

"Grade A Creep," she remarked. "I just wonder if he's going to sell the information like he obviously wants to."

"I don't know, but if it gets out, you'll know who did it…and I'd keep the promise of suing him."

"I will," she replied as she blew out a breath. She wouldn't like it but she'd do it if pushed.

* * *

Their trip to the DMV didn't take as long as they feared and soon enough they were back at the car lot. Castle put the tags on the car and then held the door as Johanna slipped into the driver's seat. "Do you want me to follow you or are you going to follow me?" she asked.

"You're going to follow me first so we can go have my mechanic friend look at this car to be sure that things are fine, especially since you managed to get a warranty out of that guy. Then when we're finished there, I'll follow you back to the house…and I'd appreciate it if you'd do the speed limit when I'm following you."

"I promise," she replied as he shut the door for her. She started up the car and pulled off the lot, feeling a surge of excitement at being behind the wheel again as she fell in line behind Castle's vehicle. This was just the thing she had needed to bring back a little spark, she thought to herself.

* * *

After visiting the mechanic, they returned to the house and Castle followed her into the kitchen where she stood in contemplation, chewing on her bottom lip as a thought came to mind.

"Is there anything else I can do for you?" Castle asked.

She was quiet for a moment and then she glanced at him. "You wouldn't want to go to the market with me...would you?"

She wanted her independence and yet she wasn't quite ready to use it now that she had a car sitting outside, he mused. "Sure, I'll go with you."

"Are you sure? Because if you need to get back to your book, I understand. I've taken all your time this morning."

"It's not a problem, Johanna. I needed a break, and besides, I've found our conversation about the topic to be enlightening. Maybe we can talk more about it on the way to the market."

She smiled. "Okay, I'd like that. I'll drive."

"I could drive," he said hurriedly.

Her brow rose. "What are you saying, Rick; you don't like my driving?"

"You do tend to go a little fast at times."

"Who doesn't? Do you think I believe that you never drive fast?"

"We're not talking about me."

"Maybe we should."

"Maybe you should drive without the radio on," he suggested.

"I can't drive without music!" Johanna exclaimed. "That's unnatural...and it's too quiet. I don't like quiet, Rick. It makes me nervous."

"Forget I mentioned it," he replied. "The last thing we want is for you to be nervous behind the wheel."

"I am not a bad driver," she declared.

"I didn't say you were...I was merely suggesting that you speed when the music is fast."

"Okay, you've suggested it and I admit it, now let's go. I have a lot of sucking up to plan for and not a lot of time to do it in."

"Are you sure you're going to be able to get me off the hook with Jim?" he asked; noting that she moved toward the door without hesitation this time.

"Absolutely; don't worry, I'll take care of everything and if Katie gives you a hard time, you just call and I'll take care of that too."

He smiled as he followed her out the door. "I have to say that I like it when you're phone calls take care of someone other than me."

Johanna grinned as she looked over her shoulder. "See, I don't discriminate. I deal with whoever needs dealt with."

* * *

"What's going on, Dad?" Kate asked as she sat settled in across the table from him at the diner.

"Can't a man just buy lunch for his daughter?" he asked.

"Of course he can," she smiled. "But if you don't mind me saying so, it seemed like you made it a point to ask me not to mention it to Mom."

He shrugged. "I just don't want her to feel like we're excluding her."

"I don't think she'd feel that way. She always encouraged father daughter bonding."

Jim ignored the statement and changed the subject. "How are you and Rick? I haven't gotten around to asking your mother if she had found out anything more about that date with someone else incident."

"We're fine. We worked things out."

"That's good," he smiled. "I want you to be happy, Katie. I just hope you told him not pull any more stunts like that."

Kate grinned. "I may have implied that I'd shoot him next time."

"That's my girl."

"He did say that it was cliché for me to go home to my mother."

Jim took a sip of his coffee and then sat the mug down and looked at her. "You'll always have a home with us, Katie and it's never cliché to come back to it once and awhile whether it's for dinner or because you just want to stay for the night. Being in a relationship doesn't mean you can't spend an evening with your family."

"I know, Dad."

The waitress appeared at the table and took their orders and then hurried away, leaving them to resume their conversation.

"You know, your mother always went home to your grandmother every Sunday before we were married."

"Really?"

He nodded. "Naomi was big on having her kids at the table for Sunday dinners…of course my mother was no different but anyway, your mother was always there putting in her appearance unless she was fighting with one of her parents."

"It's hard to imagine Mom and Grandma fighting," Kate replied.

"Oh they had their moments, especially before we were married. Just between us, I kind of liked when she was mad at one of your grandparents and would bail on Sunday dinner."

"Why?"

"Because then she'd make fried chicken and invite me over for dinner," he grinned.

"Was this before or after you were dating?"

"It started before we were dating. It was around the time your Aunt Colleen was planning her wedding and driving everyone crazy. Johanna got mad at her and your grandmother and decided to take a break from them. She came to see me the night they all had a little to-do about things. She said if I didn't have any plans I could eat dinner with her the next Sunday…she even asked me what I wanted."

"And you picked fried chicken?"

"Yes; you probably remember that my mother wasn't very good when it came to frying chicken."

Kate giggled. "Yeah, I remember those blackened heaps on the plate."

Jim laughed. "Thankfully your mother knows how to properly fry chicken…every time we had Sunday dinner together in those days she'd make me fried chicken."

Her eyes gleamed with amusement. "Maybe she was trying to woo you with fried chicken, Dad."

"I hadn't thought of that…it would be like her to be sneaky like that and reel me in when I wasn't looking," he chuckled.

"I guess it worked."

"I guess it did. Maybe you ought to tuck that away for future reference."

"Are you trying to get me married off?" Kate asked.

"Not until you're ready, honey. I don't mind holding on to you for awhile longer."

She smiled in appreciation but remained quiet as the waitress returned with their meals. Jim laughed quietly after a moment, drawing his daughter's puzzled gaze to his face. "What's so funny?" she asked.

"All this talk about people going home to each other reminded me of the time that Naomi moved in with us for a week when she left your grandfather."

"What!" she exclaimed. "I don't remember that."

"You weren't born yet, Katie. Your mother was about seven and a half months pregnant when Naomi showed up on the porch one evening announcing that she'd had enough and that she had left Frank. She asked if she could stay with us for awhile."

"How did you feel about having your mother-in-law in the guest room, Dad?"

"Honestly I didn't mind it. I loved your grandmother, Katie, she was a sweet, kind woman…unless you crossed her and I didn't do that too often. It was nice to have her around at the time. I think it made your mom feel better having her near…she was starting to get nervous about things and Naomi was able to comfort her about that in ways I couldn't."

Kate nodded in understanding as she chewed a bite of her lunch.

"She was also a lot of help that week. While we were at work she was cleaning the house and she had dinner on the table when we got home which was nice. We'd been eating out a good bit; I didn't like your mother to be on her feet too much after work."

"You must've been sorry to see her go back home."

"I was in some ways, she was a great cook…not that your mother didn't compare because she does, I just tried to make her rest as much as possible."

"I get it, Dad; you were an overly protective father to be."

"Sue me; but just know you come from a long line of great cooks, Katie. They've taught you well as far as I know."

"I think my knowledge of family recipes probably isn't all that impressive to someone who was eating cherries flambé as a kid and has since eaten in every five star restaurant in the city. You're probably easier to impress, you don't eat in five star restaurants all the time."

"I don't have to dine in five star restaurants, I have a five star chef at home…with the added bonus that she's nice to look at while she does it."

Kate laughed softly. "All the time you've been together and you're still crazy about her."

"Of course I am, I'd be a fool not to be crazy about her, besides, I love her."

"I know you do…but did you ever wonder if one day you'd get tired of her?"

Jim studied her for a moment, getting the impression that this question had deeper meaning. "No," he answered honestly. "There was just something about Johanna from day one that I couldn't do without and that feeling has never gone away despite what we've been through. When she first came home…I was hurt and angry but I went to see her that first night because I just had to make sure it was really her…and I sat in her hotel room asking her questions that only she could answer and even though I knew we had a lot of work to do…there was no doubt in my mind that I wanted her to come home so that we could be together like we always planned. I could never be tired of your mother…it just isn't possible no matter what. She has admitted that she's worried about it a time or two herself through the years though…so I'm assuming that's just a woman's nature."

She couldn't resist regarding him with a raised brow and teasing him a little. "Are you being sexist?"

"No! Just making an observation. I've been with your mother in one way or another for 39 years, Katie…I've picked up a few things on the habits of women."

She laughed. "But not enough to keep you from making a few mistakes of your own?"

Jim shrugged. "Well that's a man's nature."

"We should have these talks more often; maybe I'll learn a few things about everyone's natures."

Her father grinned. "Okay, but not too often…I haven't learned that much. Your mother is more of the expert in this area. I mean she did reel me in without much notice on my part."

"She's proud of that."

"She should be…and just for the record, five star restaurants can't compare to the care and love a woman puts into what she cooks for the man she loves. I remember that Naomi once said that love was the most important ingredient…it makes everything taste better. Besides, those family recipes are a part of your heritage, Katie; they're a part of your story and where you came from. Don't ever feel like what you've been taught lacks in some way. You don't have to try to impress anyone…if he loves you he's impressed with everything you do regardless of effort or star ratings."

Kate smiled and nodded. "I guess you're right."

Jim ate a few bites of his lunch and then eyed his daughter as he thought over the question about being tired of his wife more thoroughly. "I thought you had worked things out with Rick?"

"I did."

"Then why the questions about being tired of your mother? Sounds like something you might be worried about yourself."

She smirked a little. "Well, remember, Dad, that's a woman's nature."

He smiled. "If Rick has any sense, he'll never get tired of you either."

"Thanks, Dad."

Kate swallowed a few more bites and then took a drink of her soda before catching her father's eye. "Do you want to tell me what it is you really want to talk about today?" she asked.

It was his turn to smirk. "I can't get anything past you."

"Well I've been your daughter for almost 33 years; I've picked up a few things along the way."

He narrowed his eyes at her but amusement twinkled in them. "You picked up being a smart ass from your mother."

She nodded. "It probably passed to me through the umbilical cord."

"I don't doubt it. Your mother is what I wanted to talk to you about…" he said trailing off.

"Is something wrong? Was there a threat or something?" she asked, her mind off and running.

"No, nothing like that, Katie. I…well…your mother doesn't really have anyone besides me and you right now; with the exception of Valerie and I think that's kind of limited in some ways…like public ways."

"And?"

Jim rubbed a hand against the back of his neck. "And she needs someone to do girl things with…you know, shopping and manicures and all that stuff you girls like."

"What are you getting at?"

"I was thinking that maybe you could take her out for a few hours once in awhile on a weekend…spend some time with her and do those kinds of things with her."

A weight settled on her shoulders. "Dad…if Mom needs a friend, she needs someone her own age."

"I didn't say you'd have to do it forever or all the time," he replied. "I just thought maybe a few hours one Saturday a month…until I can find someone else."

Kate sighed. "I don't think Mom would like that you're out trying to set up play dates for her."

"That's why we're not going to tell her. You're just going to call her on a Friday night and say that you're free the next day and would like to spend some time with her."

"Dad…"

"What? What's wrong with going shopping with your mother? You used to do it all the time, you liked it."

"I know but things are different now."

"Just a few hours, Katie…I'm not trying to take your free time from Rick; just take her out in the morning and finish the day off with lunch and then bring her home."

"Dad…"

"I'll pay for everything," Jim stated. "I'll even have a credit card issued to you from one of my accounts that you can use and I'll pay the bill."

Her eyes widened. "You're trying to pay me to take her shopping?"

"I wouldn't say I was paying you…just offering to pay for your half of the shopping and whatever else and the bill for lunch. You mother might insist on paying for lunch though, which is fine."

She raked a hand through her hair. "Dad, you don't have to do that."

"But I will if it makes it easier for you, Katie. I don't mind paying for you get a few things and to have your nails done or hair done. It's not a problem. We're not as rich as your boyfriend but I assure you that your mother and I live comfortably."

"I know that…and it's not that I don't want to do things with her…"

"Then what is it?"

"It's just the thought of attention we could get. I know things have been quiet for awhile but it's not going to stay that way, Dad. The media is going to be around again before long, I'm surprised they're not already with Castle's comments during that interview…and who knows, maybe they are lurking somewhere."

"So what are if they are, Katie?"

'So if we were out together, it would probably be worse than when we're caught individually and that's hard on her and it's hard on me…and I don't really want to deal with that, Dad."

"I think you could handle anything that came up…and there's no guarantee that anyone would pay you any mind. I'm only asking for once a month until she has some other people in her life. Isn't your mother a little more important than worrying about if your picture is on the bottom section of the newspaper?"

"Don't make me sound like a bad guy here," Kate responded. "You're not exactly doing something right here yourself and you know it; that's why you don't want her to know."

"I'm doing it for her own good and because it would break her heart to know that I had to beg her daughter to spend a few hours with her once a month."

"So we're going for guilt now?"

"Just making a statement," Jim replied. "I understand your concerns and I don't like those damn vultures anymore than you do but living your life to suit them is no way to be either, Katie. I can't help but feel like there's something more at play here."

"Like what?"

"Like ever since the media attention started, I feel like you've been trying to put a wall back up between you and your mother. I know you call but with the exception of the other night when you needed her, you haven't been around much. We can't even get you to come to dinner once in awhile."

"I'm not pulling away from her or from you either for that matter…I'm just trying to make things easier for all of us."

Her father frowned, a glimmer of disbelief in his eyes. "Are you sure there isn't something more to it? I know there's still a part of you that's mad at her, Katie and I don't blame you for that…but is it nagging at you?"

"No," she sighed, shifting in her seat and checking her watch.

"Is there something else?"

"No."

"We try to let you be as much as we can, Katie…but I do like to see you once in awhile."

"I know, Dad. I promise I'll do better."

"And about those shopping trips and lunch?"

"Can I think about it?"

"Sure, you don't even have to tell me what you decide unless you want that credit card. Just call her and ask her whenever it's convenient for you."

"I don't want the credit card and I don't ever want you to try to buy me off again."

Jim nodded. "Fair enough…is that going to go against my suggestion? Because that wouldn't be fair to your mother since she knows nothing about it…and she did give birth to you…22 hours of labor and she didn't even take that epidural thing because she worried that'd it would have some effect on you."

Kate smirked at him. "That's Mom's guilt line; not yours."

"Well she has so much success with it that I thought it wouldn't hurt to try a special version of it. I was there for every minute of that labor, Katie. I cut the cord, you know."

"I know," she laughed; "I know. I'll think about it, okay?"

"Okay. I'm going to try and stop and talk to Sharon before I go home…maybe I can move things along there."

"Dad, you're playing with fire," she warned. "Mom isn't going to like this."

"I'm not going to tell her. I'm just going to talk to Sharon and give her your mother's new phone number since it's changed since you gave it to her and hopefully she'll use it."

She shook her head at him. "Good luck."

"Thanks; apparently I need it."

Kate checked her watch. "I have to get back to work, Dad. Thanks for lunch."

"You're welcome; thanks for coming," he replied as he slid out of the booth and hugged her goodbye. "Be careful, Katie."

"I will…and you be careful too…you know what an angry Johanna Beckett is capable of, right?"

Jim laughed. "I'm well versed on the topic. I'll see you later."

She laughed as she said goodbye and walked away. Jim watched her go, feeling like his plan had been a bust. He hoped his conversation with the next person on his list would go better.

* * *

As Castle walked through the parking lot of the market with Johanna, he subtly studied her and couldn't help recalling how Kate had commented about her mother's habit of hiding behind sunglasses. He had to admit that Johanna's black sunglasses had been on her face for the majority of the day but it was sunny out which meant she couldn't really be accused of hiding. There was, however, that other habit he had picked up on. If there were people around, Johanna tended to keep her head down and slightly tilted, allowing her hair to shield the side of her face and she stayed silent until she apparently felt it safe to speak without being heard...or maybe she stayed quiet out of fear of being discovered, he thought to himself. Either way, it was a far cry from the woman that had been living in Kate's guest room...but she'd had anonymity then and she didn't now. Now the world knew her business and she had to protect herself with a gun in her purse, a pair of sunglasses shielding her eyes and a curtain of hair to hide some of her face when she tilted her head just right...and she'd clearly learned how to hold her head in the right position. It was sad to see an otherwise strong woman try so hard to fade into the background.

He reached out and lightly took hold of her elbow as she stepped up on the sidewalk, despite the fact that she didn't require assistance...just like he always did for his own mother. He wasn't sure that the gesture offered the support that he hoped it did, but Johanna raised her head enough to give him a small smile. He followed her lead in staying quiet until they were inside the store. Johanna grabbed a shopping cart and placed her purse in the child seat, positioning the straps to lay against the handle of the cart so that she could hold on to her bag as she pushed the cart.

"Are you going to take off your sunglasses?" he whispered.

"Not yet," she replied quietly; swiftly pushing the cart away from the entrance and the lines of shoppers at the registers. Once they were safely in a quieter part of the market, Johanna paused and slipped off her sunglasses and tucked them into her purse.

"So what kind of meal are your preparing tonight?" Castle asked; figuring it was safe to return to a normal tone of voice.

"Steak," she answered; pushing her cart towards the meat department.

"Good choice."

"I always fix steak when I have to tell him something," she replied. "That's what I fixed for dinner the night I told him we were having a baby."

"So steak equates good news in his mind?"

"On that occasion," she replied.

"The other occasions weren't good?"

"Some were good, some weren't...this one is up in the air; although I anticipate that he's not going to be very happy."

"How not happy do you think he's going to be?"

"I'm thinking that Plan B is definitely going to be called into play."

"If he's that unhappy...is Plan B really plausible?"

She glanced at him. "He's a man of course it's plausible."

Castle nodded. "Okay, I'll give you that one."

Johanna paused as she looked over the selection of steaks and eyed him. "You're not taking notes about my suck up tactics to somehow use in a book are you?"

"No ma'am; your suck up tactics are off the record."

"Good, I'd hate to have to think up new ones. It took me a few years to perfect this one."

"Here's a nice steak," he commented; picking up a package and handing it to her.

"Are you crazy!" Johanna asked. "Look at the price on that!"

"It's an excellent cut."

"For that price it better be from a solid gold cow and able to cook itself."

"You said you wanted to suck up."

"Not that much," she replied. "Keep in mind that my checkbook doesn't have the balance that yours does."

"Come on, Johanna," he said with a quiet laugh. "You just bought a car without bating an eye and that necklace you're wearing cost a pretty penny. I think it's safe to assume that you and Jim aren't hurting for money."

"The car is used and the necklace was my anniversary present and what do you know about what it cost."

"It's from Tiffany's...you don't get twenty dollar necklaces there...that necklace cost way, way more than this steak."

Johanna picked up the package of steak that he had picked and dropped it into the cart. "Thank you for the added guilt, Rick."

"Hey, my ass is on the line here too and since it's depending on you to save it; I say you buy that man expensive steak."

"Expensive steak it is," she remarked. "Although I have to say, I have had expensive steaks before and I don't see where they taste any different than the cheap ones."

"It's the thought that counts," Castle replied. "What else are we getting."

"Well while we're in this department, I may as well grab a pack of bacon," Johanna said as she backed the cart up to the section that held various brands of the breakfast food. "My husband loves bacon."

"Who doesn't?"

"Some like it more than others," she replied as she selected a package and tossed it into the cart. "Now I need to get a pie crust. Jim's grandmother, Lilly, taught me two ways to make cherry pie; from scratch and the easy way. I'm pressed for time today so I'm going for the easy way."

"Understandable," the writer said as he followed her to the baking aisle. He stood by while she selected her pie crust and then grabbed a few other things as well. "I take it that the cherry pie is part of Plan A?"

She nodded. "It's his favorite."

Now that she was focused on a task, Johanna moved through the market with ease, picking up a bag of potatoes and fixings for salads. She led Castle back and forth through the aisles as she remembered this item and that one. As he watched her selecting spices and dropping them into the cart which was getting full, he couldn't help but comment. "Surely you don't need all of this for one meal."

"Of course not," Johanna remarked. "I just figured that while I'm here that I'd stock up on things I need and things I'm running low on, which reminds me, don't let me forget to get milk."

"So you're not intending to make any trips to the market any time soon?" he questioned.

"Why should I? I'm here; I can get what I need now. I've been craving my mother's hoagie recipe; I want to get the stuff for that. Have you ever had an Italian hoagie with seasoned lettuce on it?" she asked, changing the subject because she knew where it was going.

"No, I don't believe I have."

"Then you've been deprived," she said with a teasing grin. "They're delicious, and easy to make when you want something simple. They have ham and provolone cheese on them, seasoned lettuce and anything else you want on it. My father always had to have pickles on his, oddly enough so does Jim. My mother and Katie liked tomatoes on theirs. I just keep mine simple; I don't like slices of tomatoes on my food."

"Why not?"

"I just don't like tomatoes…I think it's the texture. I don't mind tomato sauce or tomato paste, ketchup, or tomato soup, but I don't like a tomato itself in its natural form."

He laughed. "You're one of those weird people who will eat tomato products but not the tomato itself."

"I'm not ashamed," she quipped; pushing the cart forward. "My sister for instance, always had to have American cheese on her hoagie because she doesn't like provolone…so you see, weirdness is a family trait."

Castle chuckled. "I guess your mother had to make a lot of different sandwiches."

"No, she was too clever for that. She'd put the ham and cheese on the roll and set everything else out on the table and you could fix your sandwich to suit yourself."

"That is clever," he agreed; "And it does sound good. I like a good sandwich from time to time."

"Well then you'll have to come over one day when I make them," Johanna commented. "Feel free to bring my daughter, it might be the only way I get her to the table again."

"Deal," he replied. "Speaking of Kate, she did make her grandmother's lasagna for me."

"Did you like it?"

"It was fabulous."

"Well then my mother is probably very proud as she looks down upon her. She taught her that one."

He nodded. "She told me. She said she learned it on a snow day that she spent with your mother."

"Mhmm; she was so very proud of herself that day."

"She told me that it's tradition for the grandmother to teach that recipe."

"That's right; I just hope I get a granddaughter before I'm too old to remember how to make it."

"I don't think your mind is going anywhere anytime soon, Johanna. As for the granddaughter, you'll have to take that up with Kate."

"Oh I intend to," she replied. "But that sort of thing has to be done subtly and at the right time, which isn't now…because I have enough problems."

"Very wise."

"I have my moments," she smiled.

He grinned. "Don't forget the milk."

* * *

After lunch with her father, Kate checked in at the precinct and found that there was nothing demanding her immediate attention. She quietly slipped away, leaving word with Ryan that she'd be back and headed for the morgue to see Lanie.

"Hey girl," Lanie said as she glanced up from the sandwich that she had just unwrapped at her desk. "I don't have anyone here belonging to you, do I?"

"No," Kate answered; pulling a chair up to her friend's desk and sitting down. "I don't have any cases today. I just thought I'd stop by for a visit."

"Where's writer boy? Did you put him on time out at the precinct?"

"He's home writing today…or playing video games, whichever the case may be."

"Probably a combination of the two," Lanie grinned. "Do you want half of my sandwich?"

"No thanks; I had lunch with my Dad."

"How's he doing?"

"He's fine; he's been working on a case with a former colleague. Now that Mom's home he can get back to working on more cases like he's used to."

"You can't say that he isn't devoted to her," Lanie remarked. "I want to find a man that's devoted to me like that."

Kate gave her a slight smile. "You and Javi on the skids again?"

The M.E. rolled her eyes. "When aren't we?"

"Good question."

Her friend shot her an amused glare. "Didn't your mother join you and your dad for lunch?"

"She wasn't invited. Dad only invited me because he was trying to buy me off."

"Buy you off?"

She nodded. "He's willing to foot the bill if I take Mom shopping once a month."

Lanie looked puzzled. "What's that all about?"

"She's lacking female companionship, so apparently he's trying to set up play dates for her and wants me to be her best friend for awhile until he can find someone else for the job."

"I don't think your mother would like knowing that you're being…shall we say, compensated, for spending time with her."

"I don't think she'd like anything about what he's trying to do. I told him no."

"No to the money or no to the shopping?"

"No to the money and I'll think about it to the shopping."

Lanie eyed her friend. "What's wrong with going shopping with your mom?"

Katie sighed and listed the reasons she had given her father, along with her father's responses to them.

"Sounds like a lot of flimsy excuses to me," the M.E. stated when Kate finished.

"They're legitimate excuses."

"Maybe," Lanie countered. "But maybe your dad is right, maybe you are pushing her away a little."

"I'm not denying that I…give her the brush off when it comes to her dinner invitations. I just feel like I need a little distance."

Lanie was tempted to press that issue but she refrained, figuring that it would be better to pluck that nerve another day. "Well since it looks like you aren't going shopping with your mama, you can tell her to call me and I'll go with her."

"Really?" Kate laughed.

"Yes," her friend replied. "I think your mom could be a lot of fun if she was given the chance."

"Come on, Lanie; don't you think she needs a friend her own age?"

"Sure she does, but that doesn't mean she can't have friends of differing ages. My neighbor, Roberta, is 83 years old and every Sunday if I'm not working, she invites me over for coffee and éclairs and we spend a few hours gabbing about any number of topics. I don't care that she's old enough to be my grandmother or that her hair is white, I don't see any of that when I look at her, I just see my friend. Just like she claims me as her friend. I look forward to those Sunday mornings with her, she's a riot."

"I know what you mean, Lanie. I have often told Alexis that I'm her friend and I mean that, but…I don't know. Maybe we can introduce Roberta to my mother."

"Why do I get the feeling that you're saying that I can't be friends with your mama?" Lanie asked.

"I didn't say that…but I don't see why I have to give her my friends."

The other woman laughed. "What, I can't be friends with both of you?"

"Of course you can," Kate said with exasperation. "If you want to go shopping with Johanna Beckett, then by means, go ahead. I don't care."

Amusement gleamed in Lanie's dark eyes. "I think someone's getting jealous."

"Oh please," she scoffed.

"You are," her friend taunted. "You're afraid that your mom will like shopping with me better than you. Maybe you're even afraid that she'll like me better than you."

"I am not!"

Lanie nodded. "I think you are so there's only one thing to do; the three of us will just have to go shopping together."

"Lanie…"

"It's the perfect solution."

"Except for the fact that I don't want to go."

"Look, Kate; it's time you stop neglecting your mother and it's time you stop neglecting your best friend…"

"I have not been neglecting you!" she exclaimed. "We talk as often as we can but work gets in the way sometimes."

Her friend eyed her in a way that always made her squirm. "Yes, work does get in the way at times…but I've invited you out for drinks twice and both times you turned me down because you had plans with Castle and you always promise to reschedule but you don't. Now I know you're in your love haze and that's great and wonderful. I'm happy for you, I really am, after all, I have been trying to get you to pull your head out of your backside for the last few years, but with that said, you can't just let the man take over your whole life. You have friends, you have family…we miss you. You can take a day or even a half a day away from him. Send him out to play with the boys, god knows they always need another puppy for their pack," she stated, making Kate laugh. "Let him miss you a little, it'll make the reunion sweeter."

"Hey, I've spent a few nights alone when we were getting over our fight."

"You know the difference between that and what I'm talking about, Kate Beckett."

"Okay, I'm a lousy friend and a lousy daughter; now what?"

"Well the first step is admitting it," Lanie teased, dodging a swat of Kate's hand. "Now the second step is to do something about it. I have to work this weekend so we can't do anything about it this week; but we are going to find a day in the very near future and we're going to go pick up your mom and go shopping."

"She won't go; she'll feel like she's intruding on us."

"Well then we'll just have to make sure she knows that isn't the case and that we want her along and that we keep her included throughout the outing. I for one wouldn't mind dragging a few stories out of her and picking her brain about some advice…because Roberta's advice didn't get me anywhere."

Kate laughed. "You're going to pick my mother's brain for advice on your love life?"

Lanie shrugged. "Why not? She's happily married…and it seems like she gave you the right nudges and advice. Don't be stingy and keep her all to yourself, Kate."

"By all means, pick her brain to your heart's content."

"Good; now that we have our shopping date settled…"

"We do?"

"We do," Lanie said firmly.

"Alright but don't get mad at me if a photographer pops up and takes your picture and it winds up in the newspaper."

"I don't give a damn about that," she replied. "I'll smile for them and ask them to be sure to get my good side. You need to stop worrying so much about that, Kate. Maybe if you relaxed everyone else would too."

"I'm starting to regret this visit."

"You always do when I have to show you the error of your ways," her friend quipped with a laugh.

She couldn't help but smile. "I'm glad to see you aren't the least bit remorseful."

"Of course I'm not. It's my job to tell you these things. Now, how are things with Castle? Is everything better now that KristinaGate is over?"

Kate pushed her hair back from her face. "Yeah, things are fine now. We were both at fault for that…"

"But?"

She smiled sheepishly. "I still think he should've known better."

"I agree wholeheartedly; but at least he knows better now."

"There's no doubt about that now," Kate stated. "I don't think I have to worry about a repeat of the ordeal."

"Thank God for that. I'd hate to think I was wrong about him."

"Me too; but everything's going to be fine now…barring any surprises I guess."

Lanie nodded. "It's too bad they don't invent some kind of app for your phone that can detect those surprises."

"Maybe you should invent it," Kate replied; "You'd be rich."

"If I could, I would," Lanie stated. "No doubt about it, I'd even share the profits with you."

The detective laughed. "I'd take it too."

"No you wouldn't, you'd be too busy dodging those surprises."

"Let's hope there aren't any surprises to dodge any time soon."

"Amen to that."

* * *

After grabbing a few last items, Johanna slowly moved toward the front of the store. Standing in line with people gave them time to notice her and that was the last thing she wanted. She knew that she was paranoid but being recognized at the car dealership had upset her balance a little although she was doing everything she could to keep that from showing. A display of books caught the corner of her eye and the name of one of her favored authors jumped out at her. She turned the cart in that direction, momentarily forgetting about her paranoia as she focused on the book.

"What has you attention now?" Castle asked as he followed along with her.

"This," she said; picking up a book from the shelf.

"Julia Quinn?" he said as he read the name of the author. "Isn't she a historical romance writer?"

"Yes," she replied excitedly as she flipped over the book to read the blurb on the back. "I love her Bridgerton series, and this book is a follow up to it by the looks of it."

"I didn't peg you as the historical romance type," he commented. "You said you favored mysteries."

"I do, but I also said I love several genres and historical romance is one of them."

"Hmm," he sniffed, causing Johanna to eye him. "If I recall correctly, and I'm sure I do, Jameson Rook lives a secret life as a historical romance writer."

"So?"

"So don't stick your nose up in the air about it. Julia Quinn is every bit as talented as you are. She writes very engaging stories that are infused with humor. They're wonderful. Maybe you should read one so you won't be such a book snob."

"Kate would laugh at me," he quipped.

"You say that like you don't already give her reason to laugh at you."

"You wound me," he replied, laying a hand against his heart. "And here I thought we were having a nice outing. You even claimed me as family."

"We are and I still do…but I won't put up with snootiness to your fellow authors."

"Wow, you really are a mom."

"Don't forget it."

"Yes ma'am."

Johanna put the book in her cart and turned her attention back to the display to see if anything else caught her eye.

"I guess at least it isn't Harlequins."

Her eyes narrowed at him again. "I'll have you know that I do read Harlequins from time to time if one interests me. Didn't I just tell you not to be a snob?"

"I'll work on it."

"You do that," she said, selecting a few magazines from a rack near the books. "In my favorite book from Julia Quinn's series, the main characters happen to be writers…both secretly."

"Really?" he asked with interest.

"Yes; it was an exciting plot that went along side the romance."

He saw tension seeping into her body language as they approached the line at the cash register and he knew it would be best to keep her talking. "Tell me about the book, it sounds interesting."

She relaxed as she told him about the story, even becoming animated as she shared her enthusiasm for the novel. Castle encouraged her to keep talking clear up until it was her turn at the register and by then it appeared that she had forgotten to worry about being seen or known. Soon enough they were loading the bags into the trunk of the Mustang and heading back to her home.

* * *

Castle helped Johanna carry in her bags of groceries and then he stood by in the kitchen as she began to put things away. "Is there anything else I can do for you?" he asked.

"No," Johanna answered with a smile. "I think I'm all set. Thank you for going with me, Rick. I really do appreciate it…especially when you probably didn't intend on getting dragged along while I did my grocery shopping."

"It wasn't a problem," he replied sincerely. "Unlike your daughter, I don't mind grocery shopping."

"I don't know how she got to be that way…but then again, she probably gets it from Jim."

"It's good for her to have something from him."

Johanna laughed. "Katie gets plenty from her daddy, trust me."

"I guess I'll have to, rumor has it that Jim blames it all on you."

"That's no secret," she replied. "Kate was barely a minute old when he told me that she had my temper."

Castle laughed. "Does she know that?"

"It's been mentioned a time or two," she stated as she pulled her book and magazines from a bag.

"I hope you enjoy your book, since you seemed so enthusiastic about it," he commented as he tapped the cover of the romance novel.

She gave him an amused smirk. "I will; just like I'll enjoy your next book…and anything else you want to give me to read."

"You haven't given me your email address yet."

Johanna pulled open a drawer and took out a pen and notepad. "I just want it known that I didn't pick this email address. It's the work of my husband and his best friend, who thought it would be funny to pick it for me while I was out of the room."

"Boys will be boys," he replied in amusement as she tore the note from the pad and handed it to him. He chuckled as he read what Jim and Jeff had given her as her email address. Miss_Sassy_Greeneyes. "It sounds like a cross between a saloon girl and an Indian."

"Yeah, I mentioned that and while they laughed, they said that it was a name no one would think of so therefore I was safe from being hacked. I even mentioned that it should probably be Mrs. Instead of Miss and funny boys that they are, they said that was to make me feel twenty again. They were so very proud of themselves. They knew I wouldn't go through the trouble of changing it. I'm lucky they went with that one, they had worse."

Castle would've liked to have seen the list of possibilities; he had a feeling that it would've been good for a laugh. "If you're settled in here, I'll head out."

"I'm fine. I'm in for the rest of the day. I have a meal to prepare."

"Good luck with Plan A…and Plan B…and may Jim have mercy on you," he stated with mock graveness.

"Thanks," she laughed. "If Katie doesn't hear from me for a few days, make her come over here and check the attic. That's probably the most likely place for Jim to lock me away, there's some old furniture up there, he'll want me to be comfortable. If I'm not there, check the basement and take that as he was mad enough not to care if I was comfortable or not."

"What if she agrees with his decision to lock you in either one of those places?"

"Then you swipe her key and you come let me out…or you swipe it and give it to Ryan and Esposito and send them over to let me out."

"You got it," he grinned. "Lock up and I'll check on your well being in a few days if you aren't heard from by then."

Johanna smiled. "Thank you; good luck with your chapter."

He gave her a nod. "Thank you…and check your email every so often in the next few days."

"I will," she promised.

* * *

It was late afternoon when Castle plopped down in his chair next to Kate's desk at the precinct. Kate glanced at him with a look of amusement; "Is the chapter going that badly?"

"No; I just spent most of the day with your mother."

A look of surprise colored her features. "You spent the day with my mother?"

"Yes, and I don't know who gave that woman a driver's license but I think maybe they should've given it more thought considering how she likes to lean on that gas pedal at times."

She stared at him; wondering if she had somehow missed something. "Castle, I think you better back this story up and start from the beginning. Why were you with my mother? Was something wrong? Why didn't she call me?"

"Nothing's wrong; she's fine. She called me because she wanted someone to go along with her while she bought a…" he trailed off.

"Bought a what?"

"A car," he answered hesitantly.

"A car!" she exclaimed; managing to keep her voice low so that she wouldn't attract attention.

"Yeah."

"You talked her out of it and let her drive yours around the block, right?" Kate asked.

"No, I drove her to the car lot and stood by why she bought a very nice used bright red Mustang; but I did try to talk her out of that certain car. I tried to get her to buy something in black but she wouldn't hear of it. She said a red Mustang was her dream car and that was what she was getting."

Kate closed her eyes for a minute; picturing her mother stubbornly refusing to accept anything but what she wanted. A red Mustang would suit her…and signal her out to everyone. What the hell had she been thinking? But then a thought came to mind; maybe her mother had resisted a black car because the car she had left behind 13 years ago had been black…as was the one she had in Wyoming.

"Are you mad?" Castle asked.

"About what?"

"That she bought a car…and that I took her to do it."

She shook her head slowly. "No, I'm not mad. I'm glad you went with her so she didn't go by herself. I do agree with Dad though that she doesn't need to be out on her own just yet but that's not my call to make anymore…this will be Dad's war to wage and he's not going to be happy…at all."

"I know," he replied. "She swears that she'll get me off the hook with him…what do you think the odds of that are?"

"Oh I think you're safe enough; he'll be too busy being mad at her."

"She has a plan for that."

Kate smiled. "Steak dinner and cherry pie for dessert?"

"You know?"

She laughed. "Castle, she's my mother; I know all about plan A…I've helped her shop for it and cook it."

He chuckled. "I helped her shop for it today. I hope your father will appreciate that I got her to buy the most expensive steak they had."

"She took you to the market with her?"

"Yes, while she's ready to own her own car, I don't think she's ready to go anywhere alone in it."

"Even so, Dad isn't going to be happy and I don't think steak is getting her out of this one."

"She has a plan for that too…but you probably don't want to know Plan B."

"Please," Kate scoffed. "I've heard the lock turn in their bedroom door enough to what Plan B is…and she better just go ahead and be ready for it…as much as it pains me to say it. She should probably go ahead and cry too…he can't take it when she cries."

"That's Plan C."

"I'm surprised she shared all of her plans with you, Castle," Kate remarked lightly.

"I think talking kept her mind off being out of the house without her husband. She mentioned that she hasn't been anywhere without him since we came back from Wyoming."

"How did she do?"

"She was hesitant at first; but once we got going and we started talking about the book, she relaxed. She did some wonderful haggling with the dealer; I still can't believe she got him to knock so much off the price."

"I have seen her do some amazing bargaining," Kate replied.

"It was a thing of beauty…the test drive scared the hell out of me though. Who taught her how to drive?"

"Her brother," she laughed. "What happened, Castle; did she push it over the speed limit and shock you?"

"You could say that. Apparently she thinks that if the song on the radio is fast that she should drive in accordance to that."

"Dad tried to break her of that…she just can't seem to help it."

"It makes me wonder how many speeding tickets she's gotten," Castle thought aloud.

"Barely any; she's pretty good at getting out of those…really she's made it an art form."

He gave a nod as he eyed her. "And how many have you gotten?"

"None; mama taught me well," she grinned.

Castle tsked; humor gleaming in his eyes. "This has been an informative day."

She smiled. "What else did Mom teach you?"

"That I'm not allowed to speak when Cher is on the radio," he answered. "It's disrespectful…and I'm guessing it interferes with her signing along."

"Which song was it? Heart Of Stone?"

"Turn Back Time."

"You're lucky it wasn't Heart of Stone," Kate stated; "She really gets into that one."

"Now I'm sorry that it wasn't."

She was quiet for a moment as she signed the form that she had been working on but a smile clung to her lips. "I'm kind of sorry that I missed out on seeing the two of you bond," she commented.

"Really?"

"Yeah…I want the two of you to get along and like each other; not that I really worry about that on her end; she's liked you from day one."

Castle looked at her in surprise. "You think I don't like your mother?"

"I wouldn't say that exactly…just…sometimes I think you take a few digs at her when you're mad at me. I don't know if you do that to try to hurt me because you know that's a soft spot or if it's because you have a problem with her."

"Kate!"

She held up a hand. "I'm not trying to start something, Castle; really I'm not…I didn't even mean to say it, to tell you the truth."

He shook off his surprise. "No, if you feel something like that then you need to tell me so we can talk about it and it doesn't become an issue later. You really feel that way?"

"Sometimes…especially when we fight; like this last time. You made those remarks about running to her and you've made remarks before…I mean, you don't have to like her, I can't make you but she's a part of my life…and sometimes I think you don't like that."

"Why wouldn't I want you to have your mother in your life?"

"I don't think that it's that you don't want me to have her in my life…I think it's more the fact that it's one more person you have to share me with," she remarked quietly. "She's…a little more demanding than some people in my life. Not calling her every day doesn't deter her, she just calls me or sends a text to check in because she worries…and because she's…needy and she just wants to hang on to what she has because she's terrified not to. You're not used to me having someone around like that. My Dad has always been there but in a quieter way and Lanie has always been there, but work sometimes keeps us from talking and seeing each other outside of the office as much as we'd like so…it's kind of like there was no one ever demanding my attention. You were always the one that had other people demanding your time; you have Alexis and Martha and publicity obligations and publishers and all of that and I think it always seemed like it was just me and a case if my phone rang," she said and then she sighed; "I'm explaining this badly."

"No; I think I understand what you're saying."

There was a tremor of panic in her stomach that she had dug them back into a hole and offended him. "I'm not trying to…I mean, I'm not…Castle; can we just forget I started this conversation because I'm just going to make things weird and we just got over a fight and I don't want us to have a new one."

He brushed his fingertips against her hand for an all too brief second; "I know you're not trying to start anything and I'm not taking it that way; really I'm not. I don't want you to feel like you have to be afraid to tell me these things."

"Sometimes I am afraid to tell you these things," she admitted quietly.

"Why?"

Kate shrugged. "You know me, Castle; I just always seem to anticipate the worst. I worry that I'll hurt you or that you'll leave…or a hundred things in between."

"Then that's something we have to work on," he remarked as he held her gaze; "Because I don't want you to feel that way. If something is bothering you, I want to know about it. If I do something that hurts you, I need to know so I can never do that again. We can't learn and grow as a couple if you don't tell me what's on your mind, Kate."

"I know."

"Maybe we should discuss this more later, when we have more privacy."

"I think I kind of just laid it all out there, Castle; I'm not sure I have much more to contribute to the subject."

He smiled. "We can still talk more about it though if you want. My trip to the market with your mother has me in a cooking mood; how about I cook for you tonight?"

"That sounds great," she replied with a smile of her own. "What are we having?"

"What are you in the mood for?"

"Honestly?"

"Of course."

"I'd really like a burger," she laughed.

He chuckled. "Burgers it is…I'll wow you with more advanced culinary skill another day."

"I'm sorry I disappointed you."

Castle shook his head. "You never disappoint me…and neither does a cheeseburger when you get right down to it."

"Maybe you can wow me with the side dishes."

"Please; I'll wow you with the burger and the side dishes."

"I'm looking forward to it."

"Me too…and just for the record; I think your mother is a lovely woman…a bit temperamental, a speeder, and somewhat shifty but in an endearing way…and she has wonderful insight."

"About what?"

"Writing."

Her brow rose. "I didn't know she had words of wisdom for that department."

"It was more like wisdom from a reader…but it was effective. I think I can get out of my jam now."

"So you like her today?" Kate asked without thought.

"Do you like my mother?" Castle asked.

"I love Martha," she remarked. "I thought that was obvious."

"Just checking."

He seemed to sidestep the main comment she had made earlier and she wondered if that meant that he really didn't like her mother like she sometimes thought. Maybe it was time to change the subject. "If my luck holds, we'll be out of here on time tonight," she commented.

"That will be great," he replied; knowing that she had been waiting on him to answer her question…but it seemed to be a question that required thought and he hadn't anticipated that. Overall, he liked Johanna…but he supposed there was a part of him that disliked what she had been forced to do to Kate and the pain it had caused. But it was important to Kate that he liked her family and really he had no real problem with the woman, at least none that he was aware of. "I like your mother, Kate," he stated.

She gave him a small smile but didn't comment; afraid that she'd ask if he was just saying that to appease her. She shook the thought away, it wasn't worth over thinking and really it shouldn't matter so much. It was better to think about the dinner he was going to cook for her and the evening they would spend together.

* * *

"I'm going to be a little late getting home," Jim told his wife once she answered her phone.

The announcement was music to Johanna's ears. She still had some things to finish for dinner and a delay was just the thing she needed. "That's okay, I got a late start on dinner anyway; this way it should probably be done when you get home."

"I'm not worried about waiting if it isn't, sweetheart. What caused you to get a late start, did you get wrapped up in your soap opera?"

"No, I just got busy with other things. What's holding you up?"

Jim had anticipated that question and had composed a proper response before he even hit her number. "I have an interview to conduct for the case. It shouldn't take too long," he told her; hating to lie to her but he assuaged that guilt by considering his task an 'interview' so to speak.

"All right, honey; good luck with your interview. I don't mean to rush you but I have things on the stove and I need both hands."

Jim chuckled. "Don't worry, I'm not offended. I'll see you in a little while."

He ended the call and sat in the car for a moment longer, gathering his thoughts before opening the door and getting out. He made his way to the door of the house he had parked in front of and knocked. Jim waited patiently, hoping that Sharon Harper would be at home…if she wasn't, he wasn't sure when he'd be able to get back there. He didn't want to use that working late excuse too many times…that only produced suspicious wives.

The door cracked open and the former secretary appeared. "Jim," she said with a smile as she unlatched her screen door.

"Hello, Sharon."

"If you're looking for Phil, I don't expect him to be home for another hour."

Jim shook his head. "No…actually I was hoping to talk to you if that's okay?"

"Why wouldn't it be?" she asked as she pushed the screen door open for him.

He shrugged as he stepped inside. "You never can tell these days."

Sharon directed him to the kitchen where she had been chopping up vegetables for that night's dinner. "Do you want some coffee?" she asked.

"No thanks."

She nodded at the seat across from her at the table and he sat down. "What's on your mind, Jim?"

"Johanna," he answered.

A small amused smile touched her mouth as she picked up her knife to continue slicing carrots. "Well that's nothing new. She's been on your mind for nearly four decades," she teased.

"Yeah, I know," he grinned. "But I like it that way."

"I should hope so after all the trouble we went through to get you to admit that you loved her."

"I was under the impression that the trouble had been 'hers'."

"But I was a party to it," Sharon remarked. "Who do you think convinced her to make you jealous?"

He narrowed his eyes in amusement. "You're lucky I like you, Sharon…bringing Patterson into the picture was a low blow."

She laughed and then turned serious. "So what about, Jo? Is something wrong?"

"Not in the way you might be thinking," he replied.

"Thank God for that. So what is it?"

He rubbed the back of his neck, the action for some reason reminding him of long ago when Johanna had told him that she always knew when he was unsure of himself because of that habit. "She's…not having an easy time adjusting."

Sharon gave a nod. "Phil mentioned that you were worried about her…reluctance at times to be around people."

"Yeah…and Phil didn't help matters," he remarked without meaning to.

"I know, he told me…and I didn't approve or condone it, Jim. I told him that it was wrong and that he shouldn't make it any harder than it already is for her."

"I didn't mean to bring it up, Sharon; that isn't what I came to talk about."

"It's alright; I don't mind that you brought it up. He was wrong to behave that way especially in your home. But what is it that you want to discuss?"

"On the night of the card game, Jo said she'd stay upstairs so she'd be out of the way and I told her she didn't have to do that…and she said that I would do the same for her if she had friends…"

"If?" Sharon asked.

He nodded. "Yes…and that statement was like a knife through my heart. She's lonely, Sharon…she doesn't have anyone but me and Katie…well Frankie's been around and they seem to be doing okay and Valerie is a part of that too…but what she really needs is a best friend."

She laid her knife down and released a weighted breath and then eyed him. "Does Johanna know you're here?"

"No."

"I didn't think so…because you know she wouldn't like what you're doing here."

Jim raised a hand. "I already got this lecture from my daughter, feel free to bypass it."

"You told Katie?"

"Yeah…I was trying to get her to be a substitute until I could find someone willing to fill the role but apparently my daughter isn't too big on the idea of going shopping once a month with her mother…I even offered her a credit card."

Sharon frowned. "Based on what Katie told me, I thought things were okay between them now?"

"It is…but she's pulled back a little in light of the media attention but that doesn't matter. What matters is that Johanna needs a friend and she doesn't need just any friend…she needs you."

"Jim…"

"I know it doesn't seem like it, but I'm not trying to push you, Sharon…I was just hoping you could give it some more thought. I know you're hurt and I don't blame you for that. I was hurt and angry too…but I can't help thinking that if her husband can forgive her, why can't anyone else?"

"It's not that I don't forgive her," she remarked; "I do…it's just not easy, Jim."

"I know all about how it isn't easy…I've done been there and done that. We took things slow and I can honestly say that she doesn't ask for anything more than you're willing to give," he explained; telling her about how patiently Johanna had waited for him to make the moves and how she had learned to wait for their daughter to be ready to give more.

"What I'm getting at is that if you're just willing to try and you show her that…she'll be content with whatever it is you can offer her. She won't ask for more and she won't expect complete forgiveness. She knows it takes time…and she'll stay in whatever place you tell her until you tell her she can move closer."

It was sad to think of her friend that way and yet she wasn't sure she was ready to dip her toes in just yet.

"Jim…I just don't know if I can. Believe me there's a part of me that wants nothing more than to go to her and pick up where we left off…or pick up from a new place…but it hurts, as you know and there's a part of me that doesn't know if I can get past that."

"You won't know until you try," he reasoned. "She loves you and she misses you…and I would give her anything in this world that I could, but I can't give her what you gave her, Sharon. You're the one that she told things to that she couldn't talk to me about, and you're the one that she went shopping with and gossiped with and did all those other girl things with. You've known her for longer than I have, you have a bond…you shared things with her that I wasn't apart of. She needs her best friend…and maybe you need her too."

"Of course I need her!" Sharon snapped; tears stinging her eyes. "I've needed her for 13 years…and I know why she wasn't there and I understand why she did it and I thank god every night that she's alive but it still felt like betrayal and it hurts and I just don't know if I can…I just don't know yet."

Jim nodded. "I understand, and I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you."

She shook her head. "That's okay…I can't seem not to cry when I think of her, regardless of who brings it up."

He took a small piece of paper from his pocket and slid it across the table to her. "I want you to have that, just in case," he said as she picked it up and looked at the phone number written on it. "I know that Katie gave you Jo's number when she first came and told you about her but I had her change her service over to my contract and that's her new number. There's no pressure, Sharon…I just had to know that I tried to do something for her in this area."

She nodded. "I understand."

"I better get going," he said as he rose from the table. "I told her I had an interview to do and it wouldn't take long. She'll have dinner waiting."

Sharon followed him to the door and as he turned to step down off the porch, she called out to him. "Jim…I really will think about it. It just might take me a little while."

"That's okay," he replied; "And no matter what you decide…that's okay too."

She gave him a small smile and shut the door and he shoved his hands into his pockets as he walked to the car. He had hoped that his visit might have gone better but it looked to be a bust and he better shake that feeling off on the drive home. He didn't want her to suspect that he had been doing something she wouldn't approve of…because he knew that she wouldn't want him trying to find her friends…but if he didn't, who would?

He sighed heavily as he settled into the driver's seat. At least he had tried; maybe Sharon would come around. Until then, he'd just have to fill the void the best way he could.

* * *

Jim opened the back door and stepped into the kitchen, setting his briefcase on the floor before shutting the door. He didn't even have a chance to take off his jacket before his wife appeared and melted against him in a welcoming embrace.

"Now this is my kind of homecoming," he said warmly as he held her tightly.

"I missed you," she replied, smiling up at him before capturing his lips in a kiss.

"I missed you too. There's a car parked out front, is someone here?"

"No, it's just you and me," Johanna answered. "Take your jacket off and sit down, dinner is ready."

Jim shrugged out of his jacket, hanging it on the back of his chair before sitting down. The thought of the car he had glimpsed out front was forgotten as he watched his wife bustle around, pouring drinks and working at the counter as she prepared their plates. He was glad to be home…until Johanna sat his plate down in front of him.

"Oh God," he muttered.

"What?"

"I hate when you serve steak without prior warning."

"Why?" she asked; doing her best to look innocent as she settled into her seat. "You love steak and I made it just the way you like it and there's baked potatoes with lots of butter just the way you love them. We have a nice salad and I made those breadsticks of my mom's that you always loved."

"And for dessert?" he asked, his brow raised as he eyed her with suspicion.

Johanna smiled. "Cherry pie, just like your Grandma Lilly taught me."

His eyes closed for a brief second; that had been what he was afraid of. "Damn it, Johanna," he said as he smacked a hand against the table.

"What?" she questioned; her eyes growing slightly wider.

"Don't give me that innocent look. I've had this meal before," Jim remarked as he pointed at the plate. "When you serve steak it always means one thing."

"I don't know what you're talking about. Eat before it gets cold," she answered as she stabbed her fork into her potatoes.

"Oh yes you do. We both know what steak dinners mean. This meal in the past has always meant that you've done something that I'm not going to like, that there's a new dent in the car, you fought with my mother and we were uninvited from Sunday dinner, an out of town business trip, outrageous credit card bill because you were lost in a shopping haze and I quote "didn't realize what you were doing" and on one memorable occasion, you were pregnant."

Johanna swallowed a sip of her iced tea and smiled. "Well you can rest easy, I'm not pregnant. That ship has sailed away…let's see I was 52…so that's been 9 years; I think it's safe to say that it's never coming back."

"Congratulations," her husband quipped.

Her foot tapped under the table. "Hey, you should be happy, you don't have to watch the calendar anymore."

"I'm thrilled. What did you do?"

"I didn't fight with your mother since she's no longer with us…although sometimes I miss having a row with ole Lizzie. I don't have a job so you can scratch off out of town business trip and you had the car so if there are dents in it, you did it."

Jim kept his gaze trained on her as she stifled the urge to squirm. "What did you charge, Jo, and am I going to have to have a paramedic on the phone when I open the bill?"

"I didn't charge anything, I swear."

"Then instead of telling me what you didn't do, tell me what you did."

"Don't you want to eat first and tell me about your day?"

"No, I find it hard to chew a bribery steak before I know what I'm being bribed about."

"It's not bribery!"

"Okay, it's a sucking up steak…and suddenly I'm starting to think that you've been sucking up to me for days."

"I wouldn't say that."

"Come on, Johanna; out with it."

She had been hoping for a little more time to prepare. "It is kind of about a new addition to our family…"

Jim wasn't exactly sure what to make of that statement. "Someone left a baby on the porch and you want to keep it?"

"No."

"You found a little lost kitten in the yard and you want to keep it? I'm okay with that if you did, I know you've always wanted one. You didn't have to go through this trouble."

"It's not a kitten."

"A dog?"

Johanna glanced at him. "A Mustang."

That one threw him. "A mustang? Surely you're not talking about a horse," he laughed. "I doubt you found one of those wandering down the road. You didn't get sucked into some email scam about adopting a malnourished horse, did you?"

She laughed with him. "No, honey; I'm too smart for that. I adopted a different kind of Mustang."

"What other kind is there?"

"The red shiny kind that has four wheels and goes vroom vroom," she answered.

A heavy silence fell as he digested that statement, their eyes still locked. "You didn't buy a car," he stated.

Johanna nodded. "Yeah…I kind of did."

"How do you kind of buy a car? That's not possible."

"Okay I bought a car."

"Johanna! We talked about this; we agreed that you did not need a car right now."

"No, you said I didn't need a car right now…I never agreed with your assessment. I thought I had made that obvious."

"I thought we had an understanding! You don't need to be out running around by yourself right now."

"The only understanding that we had was that I understood that you didn't want me to have a car of my own," Johanna replied calmly. "I understand your concerns, I really do…but I didn't agree that I should be home without a vehicle when you're out working jobs or out playing golf or whatever else you do with your friends."

Anger simmered in his veins as he roughly cut his steak and shoved a piece into his mouth. It was good but it wasn't enough to ease the situation he found himself in. "Where the hell did you get this car?" he asked after he had swallowed.

"From a car lot," she answered. "There was an ad in the paper…it's a used car, it's not even a newer model. I don't need anything fancy, just something to get around town in. I paid for it myself out of my own account."

"And you thought it wise to go off and buy a car on your own? I don't mean to sound callous, Jo; but you don't know all that much about cars."

"I…I didn't go alone."

He arched a brow. "Just who did you go with?"

"Don't be mad at him…but I asked Rick to take me."

"Rick! Katie didn't tell me anything about Rick taking you somewhere when I met her for lunch."

"You had lunch with Katie?" Johanna asked. "That's so nice, how was it?"

"Don't change the subject."

"Katie didn't know; I sent him a text this morning thinking that if he was with her that I could ask her if I could borrow him to take me on a few errands but luckily he was home…he was supposed to be writing but he was stuck. We had an interesting conversation about that actually."

"The car, Johanna," Jim stated. "I want to know about the car that you bought behind my back."

"Honey," she said gently; "I didn't want to buy it behind your back but I knew if I didn't that it wouldn't get done. I wasn't trying to hurt you…but I had to do this. I had Rick take me to the car lot…and apparently among his talents is some knowledge of cars and he looked it over and said it looked good. Like I said, it isn't brand new…it's actually a 2000 and I talked the guy into giving me a good deal on it plus I got a warranty but we stopped at a garage and Rick had a guy he knows look over the car again after I bought it and he said it was in good condition too so I think I picked a good car…I really like it. I always wanted a red Mustang and I figured since God was throwing one in front of me that it meant he felt it was time I had one."

Jim's jaw was tight with tension and she felt her heart faltering a little. "Don't be mad at Rick, I didn't tell him where it was that I wanted to go until he was here."

"I'm not mad at Rick, I'm mad at you."

"Jim…I need a car."

"No you don't."

"Honey, I do; let's think about this in a logical way. What if, God forbid, you were in an accident or you got hurt or sick and you needed me, how am I supposed to get to you or the hospital if I don't have a vehicle and Katie can't drop what she's doing to come get me?"

"Call a cab."

"I'd get to you faster in my own car," she remarked; "And another thing, what about Katie? What if Katie got hurt at work and needed us and you couldn't be reached? What am I supposed to do then? I'm not going to wait on a cab to get me to my family if they need me. Having my own car is practical. Now if you're not home, I can run errands and do the grocery shopping instead of waiting on you."

"I don't work every day, Jo. I mean I have lately but you know that isn't always the case."

"Yes, I know…but I also know that when I was living with Katie and you were staying with me every day that you were turning down a good bit of offers to work on cases. You don't have a reason to do that anymore and you enjoy the work…so I anticipate that there will be more weeks like these when you're off working on things and that's fine, but honey I need to have a car here."

He couldn't swallow another bite and his plate was still more than half full. She said she understood how he felt and yet she went and did the one thing he asked her not to. "I can stay home more…or I can stay home on days when you need to go somewhere."

"No, Jim; I want you to work when you want to and I don't want you having to schedule your time around me. I'm not saying that I'm not going to wait to go places with you most of the time, I will…because I love being with you…but I need to have some independence too."

His chest tightened with anxiety. "What you need is to be safe," he remarked firmly. "The media will be back in our lives at any given moment and I don't want to think about them chasing you when you're alone. I don't want to sit here and worry that someone working on behalf of that bastard is waiting on the moment to catch out on your own somewhere so they can harm you. I don't want you out there alone, period."

"I understand that…"

"Do you!" he yelled. "Look at what happened the last time I left you alone, Johanna. I dropped you off at your office and I didn't see you again for 13 goddamn years and I'm not letting that happen again! Now you're taking that car back."

She shook her head, her throat tightening. "That's not going to happen again, Jim. I promise you that I'm always going to come home…at least that's what you always tell me every time we leave the house. You always promise me that I have nothing to fear and that I'm going to come home…and you need to believe that as much as I do."

"I do believe it, because I'm there to bring you back home."

"I'm keeping the car, Jim. I paid for it with my own money, I already have it tagged and legal to be on the road."

"What about insurance?"

"I put it on your insurance like always…and don't worry, I paid the difference and I will continue to do so."

"I can't believe you did this," he said as he pushed away from the table and paced the room.

"I had to, Jim."

"No you didn't. You say you understand how I feel and why I kept telling you no but you don't, Johanna! If you did, you wouldn't have done this and you wouldn't have done it behind my back to make it worse!"

"I already explained why I bought it without you knowing…but it isn't like I kept it from you. I didn't hide it, it's parked right out there in front of the house."

"I don't want you to do this," he replied; his voice somewhat anguished.

"I don't want to do it either…but I have to," she said softly. "I'm so afraid, Jim…I'm always so afraid to leave this house and that's not healthy and we both know it…and I'm even more afraid to go out alone…but eventually I'm going to have to just like I always did. I don't want to be afraid anymore, Jim…I don't want to feel this way anymore. Don't you see, I'm trying to get better like you want me to. I don't like feeling the way I do inside and the only way I can fix that is to have a car sitting out there so when I gather up my courage I can go get in it and drive somewhere and come back…and prove to both of us that I can. I'm not saying that I'm going out riding around every day, I'm not. I'm not saying I'm taking off on a day trip and leaving the city, because I'm not. I know I have a lot of cities on my dream list, but to tell you the truth, I don't have any desire to leave Manhattan…unless it's somewhere with you…sometime at a future date. I just want to be able to go to the market if I need to or meet you for lunch if you're working…maybe if I'm lucky Katie might want to have lunch with me one day. I could go to Macy's and the other stores to look around when I'm bored and just need to get out and get some air. The holidays will be coming; I'll need to do shopping for that. Maybe I can go visit Martha one day when she isn't busy…or I could go see Valerie. I want this, Jim…I need this and I have to do it."

He said nothing as he stood with his back to her, his hands gripping the counter. He understood what she was saying, he understood that she didn't want to be afraid anymore and he wanted her to feel better…but his own fear so was great and suffocating. He wanted to keep her safe and protected and he couldn't do that if she was outside of this house on her own.

Johanna wanted to get up and move toward him but she knew better. He wasn't ready for her touch yet, if she tried to offer comfort now, he'd shun her and it would hurt. "I'm not trying to hurt you, honey," she said softly. "I just want to be the woman I always was…the woman you fell in love with and married."

"You are."

"I am…but a broken version and we're gluing the pieces back together…and this is one of the pieces. I love you and I know you want to protect me and there's nothing more that I want sometimes than to let you wrap me in a bubble and vanquish all the demons for me…but I can't let you fight all my battles and I can't let you take on the burden of always being my bodyguard or finding one to stand in for you when you can't be here. I used to walk and drive through this city by myself and I need to do that again. I know it scares you…it scares me too…but the only way to get over a fear is to face it. I promise you that I'll be extremely careful. I won't walk out of this house alone without that gun in my purse and I won't go somewhere without telling you first. I'll call you as soon as I get there and I'll call you when I'm ready to leave. My phone will always be on and I'll always answer it no matter where I'm at."

"Sounds like you made up your mind and thought of everything," he commented.

"I'm willing to listen to anything you have to add about taking precautions, Jim."

"I don't have anything to say right now," he responded as he walked away.

Johanna sighed heavily; she had a lot of work to do.

* * *

The leftovers from dinner had been put away; the dishes washed and the stove and counters scrubbed clean and Jim had yet to reappear from their office as Johanna sat at the table nibbling at a small piece of cherry pie. She wondered what her husband could be doing; after all, he had left his briefcase next to the back door. Of course, the forgotten briefcase could be a blessing, Johanna thought to herself. She could take it to him and ask him to go out and look at the car…and she could gauge where they were on the scale of his anger. She had waited awhile before clearing away dinner in hopes he'd at least come back to grab his plate but he hadn't and then she had cleaned slowly. Glancing at the clock on the microwave, she figured that he'd had about an hour and a half to himself…and it would be dark soon.

Johanna abandoned her pie and got up from the table. There was no better time like the present, she thought as she crossed the room and retrieved her husband's briefcase. She ran her hand over the worn brown leather. Hopefully his anger wouldn't last long…hopefully he'd be able to see the practicalities of her having a vehicle at home with her. She seemed to tiptoe down the hallway to the office without really realizing that she was doing so. She took a breath and then slowly cracked open the door of the office and slipped inside.

Jim's gaze was fixed on the screen of his laptop as she moved to stand before his desk. He said nothing, not even bothering to glance at her. "Hmm, still level ten," she thought to herself.

"You forgot your briefcase," Johanna said softly as she laid it on the side of the desk.

"I would've gotten it."

Johanna nodded. "I know, but I figured you might be getting tired of waiting for me to get out of the kitchen so you could do so."

He didn't reply and his eyes didn't leave his computer. "What are you doing? Looking at one of those sites where you can get a new wife?" she asked.

His eyes met hers. "The wife I've had for the past 35 years gives me enough trouble, why the hell would I want to torture myself with starting over with a new one?"

She shrugged. "You might like one of those newer, younger models…one that's prettier, dumber and more docile and less complicated."

"I'm not in the mood to pay you any compliments tonight, Johanna."

"I wasn't asking for any; just making a statement."

"Why don't you just go back to doing whatever is that you were doing; go read that damn book or bake something, clean something, plot your next adventure."

She allowed the remark to roll off her back; it wouldn't do to take things said in anger too personally right now. "I don't have any adventures on my agenda…but if I did, they would include you. I do want you to come out and look at my car though."

"I'll be more than happy to drive it back to the car lot for you," he replied.

"No, it's not going back. Please, Jim; just come out and look at it and then I'll leave you alone."

"Fine," he huffed in annoyance as he roughly pushed his chair back and got up. "Let's go get it over with."

Johanna stayed quiet as they moved through the house and out the front door, down the steps and the sidewalk to where her car was parked at the curb. She couldn't help the smile that spread across her face at the sight of it.

"Isn't it pretty?" she asked, admiring its glossy bright red paint. "I think it's cute."

"Oh yeah, it's adorable," Jim said sarcastically. "You're going to stick out like a sore thumb in that thing."

She eyed him. "Are you going to be like Rick and say that I'm too old for this car? I'm only in my very early 60's and I don't even feel old enough to be that age! You have men in their 70's and 80's driving around in corvettes and no one says anything about that!"

"I wasn't referring to your age, Johanna. I was referring to the fact that no one would be able to miss you in a candy apple red Mustang. Everyone will know it's you. Why didn't you just get personalized plates that said 'Johanna Beckett' while you were at it?"

"Well to tell you the truth, I thought about getting 'Sassy' put on the plates but Rick talked me out of that while we waited at the DMV."

"Thank God for that," her husband said tartly. "You know this car is already 12 years old?"

"Big deal, yours is 6 years old. You always said that as long as a car has been taken care of and maintained that it doesn't matter what year it is or how many miles are on it, and before you go there, this car only has 85,000 miles on it and was garage kept. Besides, I like the late 90's to 2000 model of Mustang best anyway, I think they're prettier."

"You would pick a car by choosing the 'pretty' one."

She shot him a look but held her temper in check. "You know I've always wanted a Mustang, Jim…just like you've always loved Camaros. Although I admit, I was very fond of your blue Camaro," she said warmly; taking the risk of wrapping her hand around his arm.

"My point is that you should've picked something more sedate, something that wouldn't stand out so much."

"This attention on me isn't going to last forever and I'm not going to buy something I don't like just to suit the media and anyone else. This is what I liked and wanted and this is what I got! What was I supposed to do, buy something in black with tinted windows?"

"You weren't supposed to buy anything."

"Well I did, this is what I wanted, this is what I bought and this is what I'm keeping…and honey, you're just going to have to get used to this car belonging to us."

He smirked at her but there was no humor in it. "Go in the house and get a flashlight and some paper towels."

"Why?" she asked suspiciously. "What are you going to do to Little Red?"

"Is that what you named it?" he asked.

"For now…I mean, Sassy is taken…so…Little Red it is for the time being. Now what are you going to do to her?"

"I'm going to look her over," Jim remarked tartly. "Now go on and make sure you have the keys."

Johanna hurried on her errand, hoping that his need to check things over leant itself to acceptance…although she anticipated it being a long night either way. She was back by his side in a few minutes, handing him the flashlight.

"What are you doing?" she asked as he turned it on and got down on his knees to peer under the car.

"I'm making sure there aren't any leaks."

"We already checked when we got back from the market," she replied. "There aren't any."

"Forgive me, sweetheart, but the last time you had a car, you thought the spots on the ground were from driving through a puddle."

"Well it could've been."

"Yeah, if the puddle had been green," he retorted.

"I never claimed to be a mechanic…what did you do with my Lexus anyway?"

"I gave it to Katie…and she totaled it within six months," Jim answered as he got to his feet.

"How did that happen!"

"It doesn't matter. It wasn't her fault and thankfully she only had a few bruises. It was still covered on my insurance so she didn't have to worry about that either. Now pop the hood."

Johanna opened the driver side door and found the lever to pop the hood for him and then moved back to his side, holding the flashlight for him as the sky slowly turned darker. He checked the fluids and then asked for a paper towel as he checked the oil. He didn't make any comments so she assumed that he was satisfied with what he found as he checked everything. She stayed quiet though as he took the flashlight from her hands and looked over everything else more thoroughly. Finally he put the hood down and clicked off the flashlight. "Get in and turn the lights on," he instructed.

She did as he asked; waiting for his say so to turn them back off. "Start it up," he demanded. She turned the key and the engine came to life, quietly and smoothly and she couldn't tell if he was pleased or disappointed with that. He then made her test the turn signals and windshield wipers and break lights, before he opened the passenger side door and got in. "How are the brakes?" he questioned.

"Brand new," she answered; "And I know that's not a lie because I know what new brakes feel like."

He nodded as he sat listening to the car run and she wondered if he was trying to think up something else for her to test or if he was trying desperately to find something wrong with the car. "Do you want to go for a ride?" she asked lightly. "It drives smoothly."

Jim glanced at her. "Why bother? I'm sure you plan on taking me for a ride later…after all that's always act two on Johanna Beckett's 'Please Forgive Me' tour."

She gave him a wry smile, catching the dig; he knew her game, steak dinners and cherry pies were always followed later with sex. "You don't have to make it sound so cheap, darling…after all, I've only left it on the set list for this long because it's the number you like best."

He scoffed. "Yeah, well, maybe you'll just get surprised later and I won't come to your show."

"Sounds like a challenge," she quipped. "I do like tackling a good challenge once in awhile."

"Don't be so sure of yourself."

"Why not, you always are."

"I don't use it as a weapon."

Johanna laughed. "Oh please, you've used it plenty of times and I don't think we can classify our sex life as a weapon…unless of course it's a compliment."

"Remember what I said about compliments earlier."

She nodded. "Hey, there a lot of women my age who aren't even interested in sex anymore so you should count yourself lucky that I still am."

His lips rebelled against him and curled into a half smile. "I'm eternally grateful that you aren't one of those women who have decided to give it up."

"You should be…here we are, after all of these years…we're both still interested and enjoy it…and it's still hot and spicy between us," she remarked; a seductive lilt in her voice.

"Boy, you don't waste any time jumping on a challenge, do you?"

"Not when it's you," Johanna smiled.

Jim looked away from her…she could win far too easily with that smile and those damn green eyes of hers that sparkled and dared him to stay mad.

"So…do you want to go for a ride?"

"Which one are we taking about?"

"The car," she smirked.

"Around the block and into the driveway," he stated crisply. "That's as far you're going tonight and I want this car parked in the driveway at all times."

"I guess that means Little Red passed the inspection process of Jim Beckett and is staying in the family," she remarked as she pulled away from the curb.

"I said she could sit in the driveway…I didn't say anything else."

"We'll work on it," Johanna replied. "The good thing is that we've made progress from 'take it back' to 'park it in the driveway'."

"I'm not in the mood for your cuteness either," her husband remarked.

She smiled as she rounded the block. "That's all right…I think you're sexy when you're stubborn."

His mouth rebelled once more and curved into a smile as he kept his gaze focused away from her. She really did love tackling a challenge, he mused; but he knew that she took him seriously despite her attempts to be lighthearted…she was just trying to ease and soften what he took as a blow. She was trying to soothe those old hurts that had sprung up and mingled with new worries and fears. He was still mad at her…but she'd make it difficult for him to be that way for long.

* * *

Despite her attempts to lighten the mood when they had looked over the car, Johanna found herself hesitant to enter their bedroom that night. Her husband hadn't been inclined to spend much time in her company when they had come back in and she had known all along, despite her teasing, that he wouldn't welcome her advances tonight. She wasn't even sure if he planned on sharing a bed with her…regardless of what they might or might not do in it. She sighed as she lingered in the hallway, wondering if she should just go back downstairs and watch TV and inevitably fall asleep on the couch. Somehow that felt like the coward's way out and she was tired of being a coward, wasn't she?

As she entered the room, her eyes darted around in search of him and she found him standing at the dresser as he got ready for bed. She could see the tension in his body and she cautiously moved closer, splaying a hand against his bare back as he reached into the drawer for a shirt. He paused, his hand laying against the neat stacks of t-shirts as he waited to see what her next move was going to be. Her hand moved slowly and soothingly and when she wasn't shunned, her arms slipped around him and she pressed her cheek against his back.

"Jim," she whispered.

A weighted breath passed across his lips and he didn't know what to say. Her arms tightened around him, her lips brushing against his skin. "I wasn't trying to hurt you," she said softly. "I wasn't trying to betray your trust…but I knew you'd say no again and I felt like if I didn't do it now while I had the courage…that I never would. We're both scared, Jim; and I don't want us to be that way forever and I don't think you do either. You say you want me to heal and to get better…and I feel this is the step I need to take to do that and it's because of you that I can, honey. You've been helping me and nudging me and helping me rebuild…you're helping me be strong again…that's why I bought the car. I don't know when I'll get in it on my own and go somewhere…not tomorrow and probably not the next day but soon I will and I'll be able to because my car is here and ready."

She waited for him to say something but he remained silent, his hands still resting on the contents of the drawer. She brushed another kiss against his back, hoping to comfort him as she braced herself for touching on an even sorer spot. "I know that you think about that day when you dropped me off at my office and I didn't come home…I know there's a part of you that blames yourself… but it wasn't your fault, Jim. You didn't know and I know we've been over that before and it doesn't make it better…and it probably doesn't make it better to tell you that I hate myself for letting you drive me that day…but I just…" she trailed off, her voice cracking.

He pried her arms away from him, holding tightly to her wrists as he turned to face her. "Stop it," he demanded. "I don't want to hear one more word about that day…I don't even want to think about it anymore than I already have tonight. All that matters to me is making sure that it never happens again. Why can't I get that through your hard head, Johanna? What do I have to do to make it compute?"

"It does compute," she replied; trying to ignore the tight grip he had on her wrists. "I know you just want to keep me safe…I want to stay safe too. I don't ever want something like that to happen again either…but I can't depend on everyone to drop what they're doing to take me places that I need to go and to follow me around when I'm grocery shopping or looking for a book in the book store or library. I need to be who I always was and I thought you wanted that."

"I do want it," he yelled; "But with certain stipulations."

"That I never be alone again outside of this house."

"Yes."

She shook her head. "But don't you see how ridiculous that sounds…it might not seem that way when you're just thinking it, but when you say it out loud, don't you think it seems like it might be too much?"

"I don't care…I know what's best for you."

"Is it best for me…or is it best for you?" she asked.

"It's best for both of us."

"It isn't and you know it."

He knew it and he hated it, Jim thought to himself and he squeezed her wrists tighter without thought. He just couldn't let her go out there on her own just yet, not when it felt like there was still the potential for danger. The media would pop up again and then there was the fact that he did worry about Adam Bracken who had been strangely silent for awhile. Were they plotting something? Did she still have a target on her back? He couldn't lose her again, he just couldn't.

"I told you that I'll never go out without you knowing that I'm going and where I'm going to be. I'll call as soon as I get there and I'll call again when I leave…I swear I will, Jim. You'll always know where I'm at and when I'm on my way home and if for some reason I couldn't let you know my whereabouts, I'll call and tell Katie. One of you will always know where I am and what I'm doing."

It didn't feel like enough, Jim thought and he didn't want to hear another word about it. "Just stop," he said; giving her a shake as he held on to her wrists. "I don't want to talk about this anymore! I get what you're saying, I understand it…but why can't you understand me. Why don't you understand that I'm angry with you right now?"

"I do," she cried.

"Do you?"

"Yes; please let go of my wrists before you leave a mark."

The request startled him as he hadn't realized just how hard he had been holding on to her and his eyes fell to the tender flesh that his fingers had been biting into. He didn't see any marks and he felt sick at the thought that he could've caused a bruise to mar her creamy skin. "I don't want to talk about this anymore," he remarked quietly.

"Okay," Johanna replied softly. "I'm sorry that I pushed too much…and I'm sorry…"

"Stop," he demanded. "I know you're sorry…please just stop."

She nodded and backed away, turning and moving in the direction of the door. "Where are you going?" he asked.

"I…I thought maybe I should leave you alone tonight and give you some space," she answered. "I'll sleep in Katie's room tonight."

"No you won't," Jim said sternly.

"Then I'll go downstairs and watch TV until you've had time to fall asleep and then I'll come to bed."

Jim was standing in front of her before she could even blink, his blue eyes snapping with anger and something deeper as he grasped her arms, keeping his touch gentle despite his mood. "I don't want you to leave me! Don't you get that? I don't want you to leave me!"

The statement stole her breath as she held his gaze, her heart thudding against her ribs. "I'm not going to leave you, Jim," she said softly, carefully shaking off his hold so that she could place a soothing hand against his chest. "I'm not leaving you…I'm never leaving you again, I swear. I never wanted to in the first place, you know that. You know it was never my choice to leave you…I haven't wanted to be away from you from the day we met. I'm not going anywhere. I love you and there's nowhere on this earth that I'd rather be than here with you. No one is ever going to take me away from you again, honey."

He said nothing but she could see the wealth of emotions in his eyes; anger, fear, love, understanding, need. She took the chance of moving closer, wrapping her arms around him, her lips brushing soft kisses against his skin as she whispered to him. "I'm not leaving. I'll never leave again…no matter what. You promised me I was home to stay for good and I believe that. I'm not leaving you, not ever again."

His hands had remained at his sides but they moved, catching hold of her face and gently tipping it upwards. His kiss was rough and demanding and she tried to soften it to no avail. He was too upset with her and it needed an outlet. She knew how it would play out, he'd toss aside their usual tactics; there would be no room for playfulness…tenderness would take a backseat to what he needed to claim and prove. He wouldn't play her game…she'd have to play his, and in his game, he didn't draw things out and he was greedy, demanding and rough. That game usually worked better when they were both angry and had something to prove, Johanna thought to herself as he fisted the material of her nightgown; but she knew he wouldn't hurt her…that despite it all, he'd be careful…and she wouldn't deny him what he needed.


	10. Chapter 10

_Author's Note: As always, thank you for your reviews!_

Chapter 10- Take It To The Limit

" _When you're looking for your freedom and nobody seems to care" – The Eagles_

Johanna carefully slipped out from beneath Jim's arm the next morning and grabbed her robe from the foot of the bed and slipped it on. She moved about quietly, grabbing clean clothes as she kept an eye on her sleeping husband. The alarm wouldn't go off for awhile yet to wake him for work and she hoped that he'd stay asleep as she slipped from the room and made her way to the bathroom. She ran a hot bath and sank into it gratefully, hoping it would relax her and ease the tension from her body as she soaked. She looked down at herself, half expecting to see a bruise across her body. Jim had held her so tightly in his sleep that she hadn't been able to move, and she had once had to reposition his arm so that she could breathe easier. Sleep had been almost impossible; not only from his tight grip but from the mind full of thoughts that wouldn't allow her to rest.

In terms of passion…or should she say, the chosen outlet of anger; their night had gone as predicted. Plan B had gotten away from her, Jim taking control of it. She didn't mind so much; she knew that he had needed something to control in those moments. Her husband was a man who didn't like feeling out of control. He liked things to be exactly the way he wanted them…and while he knew he couldn't always have things his way, he still liked to have some measure of control over it. That was just his way. That wasn't to say that he was a tyrant; he wasn't, far from it. He wasn't a controlling spouse either. Sure he sometimes made the usual 'don't do that', 'don't buy that', don't say that' and 'don't go there' types of remarks, but more often than not those remarks were ignored so they didn't really count.

Leaning her head back against the tub, Johanna closed her eyes and pondered the issue of control more deeply. It wasn't really that he wanted to control her…it was the situation he wanted to control. If she was locked away at home or with a reliable guard, his mind was at ease and he didn't have to worry so much. If she was out on her own, he'd feel like he had to worry constantly. She understood, really she did…and she'd just have to try to make this all as easy as possible for him and to give him or make him feel like he had some sort of control over things to make him secure. Maybe she'd have to ease him into this transition…not that she had planned on going out but she'd have to find a quiet way to reassure him that she was staying home.

The real problem though would be how soon his anger would abate. She had known from the start that he'd be mad…which was why she planned and executed her usual counter measures. Perhaps what she didn't do was properly gauge just how angry Jim would be. She sighed and reached for her soap; she hoped he wouldn't be mad for too long. If his anger was to last too long, she might think about changing her mind about the car…and she didn't want to do that. She didn't want to back down.

* * *

After her bath, Johanna quietly peeked into their bedroom and saw that Jim was still asleep and apparently oblivious to her absence. She closed the door quietly and then made her way downstairs; going to the front door with the intent of getting the newspaper. She pulled back the curtain on the door before unlocking it and her stomach dropped as she saw a few members of the media staked out in their usual spot on the sidewalk. "Oh God," she muttered as she allowed the curtain to fall back into place. What had happened now? The answer was probably in the newspaper…which was on the porch. Johanna blew out a breath, they were far enough away that they couldn't get to her but she'd still do her best to go unnoticed. She hadn't turned on the lights yet, leaving the house dark which would probably benefit her, she thought as she released the locks and cracked the door open just enough to slip her hand through, allowing her to unlock the screen door before opening the main door wider. She moved quickly once she opened the door and she tried to keep the screen door from squeaking as she nudged it open far enough to grab the paper. Unfortunately, the squeak of the door had carried and reporters began calling her name. Johanna snatched the paper with lightning speed and shut the screen door and locked it once more before closing the front door and re-locking it as well.

She carried the newspaper to the kitchen with her, flipping on the light before moving to the kitchen table. She slipped the rubber band off of the paper and then smoothed the pages so they'd lay flat. Her gaze was greeted by the sight of Adam Bracken's sneering face on the front page. Off to the side but included in the article was a smaller scale photo…the one Castle had taken of her and Kate. Her stomach clenched as she closed her eyes for a moment. It was starting again; their break was over. She pushed away from the table long enough to turn on the coffee pot before she made the trek back to the living room to grab her reading glasses off of the coffee table. When she returned to the kitchen, she took a steadying breath and then sat down to read the paper.

" _New York State Assemblyman Adam Bracken and his family returned home from a trip abroad this week…"_

That explained his silence, Johanna thought to herself. It was just too bad he didn't get tangled up in some kind of international trouble that would've prevented his return to the states for awhile. She skimmed over the lines about his trip and his most recent activity in the state legislature. Finally the article came to the point that she knew it would; the fact that he was the brother of disgraced Senator William H. Bracken, who was currently being held on over 100 criminal charges ranging from murder and fraud to everything in between.

" _When asked about the photograph that that had been released of Johanna and Kate Beckett; Assemblyman Bracken's face lost its jovial quality and took on a look of hardness. "It's nice how they can pose for photos, acting as if they have no care in the world; that they're the image of a happy family who has overcome a hardship," he stated. "In reality they ought to be ashamed of themselves for what they've done to my brother. My brother would like to be home sharing happy moments with his family but he's unable to do so because of those two women who for some reason had an axe to grind against him and made him the scapegoat for their problems."_

Johanna shook her head at the man's delusions; he couldn't really believe the spiel he gave, did he? Had his brother brainwashed him, or was there some sort of natural hero worship between the siblings that prevented Adam from seeing the truth.

" _When questioned about who he felt was truly responsible for the crimes committed if it wasn't by his brother; Mr. Bracken answered without hesitation. "It's surely the work of the mob; after all Mrs. Beckett has a history of defending mob members, perhaps she was no longer useful to them or threatened to turn against them which orchestrated her need to flee. My brother prosecuted many mob members as he did his best to clean up the streets of our fair city. They viewed him as an enemy and what better way to enact revenge against him than by setting him to take the fall for Mrs. Beckett's problems. Perhaps if the lady; and I use that term loosely; kept better company, she wouldn't have the problems she has now…"_

Anger made her hands shake, the paper rustling as she gripped it tightly. She had never been the attorney of choice for mobsters and in fact, to her knowledge; the only man she had ever been set to defend that had mob ties was Joe Pulgotti. She wasn't on their payroll; in fact at the time of her removal to Wyoming she had yet to charge a dime for her work on the case. He had assured her that he could pay her but she had told him not to worry about it at that moment; that there would be time enough to discuss it later after she was sure she had all of her ducks in a row and that the case would proceed successfully. It wasn't an orthodox method to most attorneys but when defending a client who was already in prison, Johanna never expected nor asked for immediate payment. Adam Bracken was already crafting a defense for his brother, one that many people wouldn't hesitate to ponder seriously…and the thought made her stomach turn. She took a few breaths, staving off the sudden need to empty her stomach.

" _When inquiring about if he truly believed that his brother would be cleared of the charges; the Assemblyman nodded. "Of course he will be cleared. I've hired the best legal team that money can buy and they are already working diligently. The court date is still a ways off but we will be petitioning the court for a change of venue. We'd like this case to be heard outside of the city. With Miss Beckett having such stature in the police community, we are aware that she's knowledgeable of many judges; not to mention that her writer boyfriend has been known to fraternize with several judges as well, along with the Mayor. We don't like to think that the judges of our wonderful city would be swayed by old friendships or even money bribes, or any bribes for that matter but the truth is that some would or could be swayed and we must keep in mind that both Mr. and Mrs. Beckett were practicing attorneys in this area for more than two decades. They would've amassed a large network of contacts and they are in a position to know best how to skirt the law…"_

"You son of a bitch," she muttered; anger coursing through her even stronger than before. How dare he insinuate that they or Kate would bribe a judge, or Rick either for that matter. He was dangerously treading into the grey area of slander and while she knew that he was trying to convince the public that Bracken's name would be cleared while also planting seeds of doubt in the minds of possible jury members, she thought him a fool for disclosing the details of their defense, no matter how minor they were. There had already been speculation about a possible venue change but she doubted that he'd get it.

The article went on, speaking of Adam's desire to give his brother every chance possible to launch a successful defense. It was funny how he only brought up his brother's legal background in a positive light, while suggesting that hers and her family's was somehow dirty. As a former D.A., Bracken would've been most likely to have a few judges in his pocket, and she was sure that he did indeed have a few, and God only knew who else as well. She read on, seeing a mention of wanting the trial moved to Long Island. It was well known that William Bracken owned properties in Long Island and she wouldn't doubt it if he had many of the local authorities there on his payroll. He wasn't concerned with getting a fair trail; he was concerned with getting a trial in a place where he was more sure of his monetary sway.

"… _As I've stated before, my brother William will be cleared and his good name restored to him; and mark my words, the Beckett women will be unmasked for what they really are. They will be fully investigated and exposed to the world as the frauds that they are…"_

He kept saying that, Johanna thought to herself, and she knew that some day, somewhere, he was going to start digging into their lives, finding any little piece of dirt that he could to discredit them and make them look bad in the public eye. It worried her; especially in the professional sphere. She had never taken a bribe or thrown a case as an attorney…and while she wouldn't say that she had broken the law in pursuit of defending her clients; some might find some of her research methods…skirting the line. Sometimes when she was snooping for information, it was easier to obtain it if she didn't mention she was a lawyer…sometimes she sent Sharon in her place to chat someone up and gain a clue or a tip. Sometimes evidence came from sources who didn't want to be named and she had to come up with avenues to protect that person for their safety. She was at times ruthless in the courtroom in pursuit of her goal…she'd been known to tear a few people apart on the stand. She was known for always having an ace card up her sleeve that she'd save for the last moment. She always went after the weakest link with a vengeance when it came time to put someone on the stand…or to cross examine. She had a way with words that always helped her craft compelling closing arguments when her case felt slightly shaky. Anything that she had said or done in her career could be twisted or misconstrued, taken out of context and turned into something it wasn't. What if they went after Sharon? What if in her anger she made comments that inadvertently painted her in a bad light? She didn't really believe that Sharon would betray her like that…but who could be certain?

Then there was the fact that she had made enemies, both professionally and personally. She had always spoken her mind…would words she said thirty and forty years ago come back to haunt her? Would people who hated her crawl out of the woodwork to cast her in a bad light? Jim had his enemies as well; they could always speak up as a way of getting at him too in a non direct way. In Kate's line of work she was bound to have enemies as well. What about people who had known her as a teenager? Would they bring up her youthful transgressions? Kate had never done anything that she'd classify as overtly bad…there had been a few detentions; she had snuck out a few times, she had been a typical teenager but even those things could be spun to make her look like she had been some sort of delinquent and had carried that troubled nature into adulthood.

Johanna sighed deeply; that feeling of being on display creeping back over her. As she told Jim before, she didn't relish being the star of a freak show. Adam Bracken's article was continued on another page and despite her best judgment she turned to that page with the intent of reading the rest of it; but there in its own square by the continuation of the article was a set of photographs; a few of her and Rick while they had been out at the market and a few of Jim and Kate, through the window of the diner where they had ate lunch. There was an accompanying article and she dreaded to read the text but she knew she must do so. It was like when you witnessed an accident; you didn't want to look and yet you couldn't stop yourself.

" _It looks like there was a trade off yesterday in the Beckett family…"_ the article began and she rolled her eyes in response. _"Johanna Beckett who has yet to be seen alone in public was without her husband yesterday morning as she did some shopping. Instead she was joined by her daughter Kate's civilian partner, New York Times Best Selling Author and rumored boyfriend, Rick Castle. Mr. Castle accompanied Mrs. Beckett on her errands, including a trip to the grocery store where sources said they acted comfortably with each other as if Mr. Castle was a member of the family. Could it be that he and Kate Beckett are romantically linked as rumored? All signs seem to point to yes in that area, after all, this looks more like a trip a man would make as a way of getting in good with his potential future mother-in-law. But the real question is, why was Mr. Castle taking on the task of escorting Mrs. Beckett instead of her husband who has hovered at her side during every trip she's made into the public eye?_

 _Is this a sign that there's trouble in paradise in the Beckett marriage and that perhaps the majority of people are correct in their assumption that all is not well between the reunited couple? Many would argue that it seems impossible for a couple to be as happy as they claim after a thirteen year separation; no matter what the reason was. Jim Beckett who retired from the courtroom last year still does legal work on a regular basis and he was seen in the city yesterday having lunch with daughter Kate. Apparently Mrs. Beckett wasn't invited to share this meal with her husband and daughter which only leads to greater speculation. With the exception of the photograph that Richard Castle tweeted, (showing once again how deeply engrained he is in the Beckett family) mother and daughter have yet to be seen together; making skeptics of the happy family smile and say 'I told you so'._

 _The family's closed mouth nature does little to help matters as many feel that if they had nothing to hide; they would make some kind of statement instead of declining all contact with the media. Even Mrs. Beckett's brother declined to comment on his sister's return when contacted, stating only that it's 'a private matter and no one's business'. No one seemed to mind the switch up in the family yesterday, Mrs. Beckett, hiding behind her black sunglasses as usual seemed content in the company of her daughter's special friend and as expected, Detective Beckett seemed happy enough in the company of her father. Also of note was that Johanna Beckett was doing the driving yesterday and that when Mr. Castle left the residence, he left in his own vehicle; the car Mrs. Beckett had driven was left at the home allowing us to assume that she is now the owner of a red Ford Mustang. Between the car and Mrs. Beckett's taste in clothes and accessories, one can assume that either her husband spoils her…or that being in hiding for over a decade pays well."_

She really did feel sick, Johanna thought to herself as she closed the newspaper. They were not only once again speculating about Kate and Rick, now they were speculating about her own relationship with Jim. Not to mention the fact that they already knew about the car…and that she couldn't blame the car salesman as he wouldn't have known where she was going that day after leaving his establishment. What she did know was that she couldn't let Jim see this paper…and that she should probably apologize to Rick for dragging him into this further by asking him to be her partner in car buying and grocery shopping.

Johanna got up from the table and picked up the newspaper and carried it to the counter. She opened the junk drawer and shoved it inside, and then remembering her earlier motive of finding a quiet way to reassure Jim that she was home for the day, she hurried off to his office to slip something into his briefcase. When she finished, she returned to the kitchen and went to the fridge, taking out what she'd need to make breakfast. Once she had the food started, she took her phone from the pocket of her robe and tapped out a quick text message, figuring that Castle had probably seen the paper by now if Kate was with him because she'd be getting ready for work and she assumed that Castle got up at the same time.

" _I'm sorry, Rick."_

She had just dropped the bread into the toaster and pushed it down when her phone buzzed. _"Does this mean Plans A, B and C failed and I'm not off the hook with Jim?"_

Checking that breakfast was cooking the way it should be, she hurriedly tapped out another message. _"No, it's not that. He's mad at me not you. Haven't you seen the paper yet this morning?"_

" _No…"_

" _Is Kate with you?"_

" _Yes."_

" _Has she seen it yet?"_

" _No; I'll get back to you."_

Johanna slipped her phone back into the pocket of her robe and then she returned her attention to her work. She felt a little bit like the egg she was frying…she too had been taken from a secure place and dropped into hot grease.

* * *

After sending his reply to Johanna, Castle went to the door and returned with the newspaper. He carried it into the kitchen and opened it, his eyes landing on the article about Adam Bracken. He read through it quickly, finding nothing that seemed to warrant an apology from Johanna Beckett but he turned to the page where the article was continued and then found the separate article about the Beckett family. More specifically, he thought to himself, were the photos that accompanied the article. So that was what she was sorry for. He wasn't bothered in the slightest by seeing his face on the page nor was he bothered by the comment that he was trying to get in good with his possible future mother-in-law.

Regardless of whether or not Johanna would one day hold that title of being his mother-in-law, he wasn't ashamed of being seen in her company. There was nothing wrong with escorting a lady while she ran her errands. He picked up his phone and tapped out a quick message to her. _"There's nothing to be sorry for, it looks like they got my good side in both pictures. Don't worry about it, I'm not."_

Her reply came a minute later as he was finishing the main article. _"I'm still sorry anyway. What did Katie say?"_

" _She hasn't seen it yet but she wasn't mad when I told her that I was your car buying accomplice if that's any consolation."_

" _It's some,"_ Johanna replied. _"I'm glad one of us came of it easily."_

" _Apparently you're not locked in the attic though."_

" _Not yet…the day's still young and Jim hasn't seen the paper."_

Castle cringed at the thought. If Jim had taken the car news badly then he probably wasn't in any mood to take a newspaper article well. " _Hang in there_ ," he wrote back. _"I hear Kate coming, I'm sure she'll talk to you later."_

He had no sooner laid his phone down when Kate stepped into view, tugging at the sleeves of her shirt to straighten them as she made her way to the counter. "Good morning," she smiled, leaning toward him for a kiss.

"Morning," he replied; refraining from classifying it as good when that could be up in the air at this point.

"Something wrong?" she asked as she reached for a coffee mug.

"Not per se…" Castle trailed off.

"What is it?" Kate demanded to know.

Castle handed her the newspaper and she sighed as glanced at the front page. "Nothing starts your day off right like having to look at a jackass on the front page of the newspaper," she remarked.

"There's a bonus article on Page 7A."

"Do I want to know?"

"Probably not," he replied; "But you should look anyway. It isn't overtly bad…I think it's shooting more in your mother's direction than yours but you can judge for yourself."

Kate turned to the page to see what he meant and groaned. "Lovely."

"Yeah…I knew you'd be thrilled; but on the bright side, you look good in those pictures."

She smirked at him. "Thrilled doesn't begin to cover it," she replied as she skimmed the article. "Mom's going to love this."

"She's already texted her apologies."

"I'm not surprised…I bet Dad hit the roof."

"He hasn't seen it yet."

"Then I guess Mom has something to look forward to during breakfast."

"Speaking of breakfast," Castle said; "What would you like?"

"Better just make it cereal," Kate answered as she turned back to the front page. "I have a feeling Adam Bracken's article will spoil my appetite."

* * *

When Jim stepped into the kitchen, Johanna turned and gave him a small smile, already feeling a small amount of awkwardness springing up between them. "Good morning," she said softly.

"Morning," he murmured; feeling like it was anything but good after the way things had gone last night.

"Breakfast is ready," she announced, unsure of what to say as she gauged that his mood was still less than stellar.

"That's good. What time did you get up?"

"Early," she answered.

"Why?"

"Couldn't sleep."

Jim bowed his head at that answer, knowing that he was most likely to blame for that in one way or another. She moved to the table and set his coffee down in front of him but he ignored it and gently reached for her wrists, recalling how she had asked him to let go of her the night before. He had to be sure that he hadn't hurt her in his anger; he'd never be able to forgive himself if he had, the mere thought of it made him sick. Carefully he examined her soft skin, finding no evidence of bruising.

"You didn't hurt me," she murmured.

"Good…because if I ever did that, I'd want you to either beat the hell out of me or shoot me."

"Don't talk like that," she chastened. "You've never hurt me like that and you never will. You just didn't realize the grip you had on me last night…it happens sometimes. Don't worry about it."

But he did worry about it, which is why he had to check her skin for marks to make sure he hadn't inflicted any. He was still angry with her though; there was no doubt about that. He was also angry at himself…and that didn't make for much of a good mood. She seemed to sense that as she stayed quiet while fixing their plates and then carrying them to the table and sitting them down in their appropriate places.

Jim glanced down at his plate and found a few strips of bacon along with his eggs and sausage. His gaze darted to her face, feeling her eyes on him. She gave him a small smile, a suspicious wet gleam in her eye as she held his stare. His gaze dropped; she'd given him bacon as a peace offering…as the next round of the 'quietly beg forgiveness' tour.

"Thank you," he muttered.

"You're welcome."

The air felt thick with tension and his eyes searched the table for the newspaper to distract himself with. She usually had it laying by his plate if she was downstairs before him in the morning. "Where's the paper?" he asked.

"What paper?"

"The newspaper."

"I don't know," she replied as she scooped up a bite of her eggs.

"Didn't you bring it in?"

"It's not here yet," she answered.

"The paper is always here by 5:30."

"Maybe there was a delay of some sort. Maybe the press broke down or the paperboy is sick…maybe they lost electricity."

Jim eyed his wife, studying the way she kept her tone steady, her gaze on her plate and the way she held herself, doing her best to shift her legs quietly as she tried not to squirm. She was lying, the paper was there and she had already read it and found something he wasn't going to like. "What's in the paper that you don't want me to see, Johanna?"

"What?"

"The TV is off…and that's a rare occurrence. The newspaper is missing and the excuses you're giving for it seem a little too rehearsed. Now what's in the news that you don't want me to know?"

"Nothing. Eat your breakfast so you can be on you way to work. You don't want to be late."

"Johanna," he said sternly. "I'm in no mood to play games. Where did you hide the newspaper?"

She sighed and dropped her fork before pushing away from the table and moving to the counter. She pulled open the junk drawer and took out the morning paper and carried it back to the table. "It would be nice if you'd let me get away with something once in awhile," she jested somewhat lightly as he took the paper from her hand.

His gaze flicked to hers. "I think I've let you get away with plenty."

Jim regretted the words as soon as they spilled from his lips. She had flinched slightly from the sting, taking his remark as something it really hadn't been meant to be. She quietly retook her seat, keeping her face down so that he couldn't read her expression.

"I didn't mean it the way you think, Johanna."

His wife shrugged. "It's fine, don't worry about it."

He frowned; if it was fine, she wouldn't look like he had just beaten her with a wire hanger. He exhaled a heavy breath and unfolded the paper. It didn't take him long to spot the article about Adam Bracken. He read it, his blood boiling as the man implied that he and his family were crooked and would buy off the judge…that he'd expose Johanna and Kate as frauds of some sort. The article continued on another page and he turned to it as Johanna's foot tapped against the floor under the table.

He found the continuation of the article…and he found the separate box that contained the photos from the day before and an article about them. The article infuriated him further as they speculated that all wasn't well in the Beckett family, that Johanna was being shunned by not being included in his lunch date with Kate. The idea that their marriage was in limbo irritated him even more and he thought that was the worst of it but then he read the blurb about Mrs. Beckett being the new owner of a red Ford Mustang.

Jim smacked the paper down on the table and looked at his wife. "Well?"

"Well what?"

"Do you still think it was a good idea to go out yesterday? You haven't even had that goddamn car for twenty four hours and they already know about it! Not only that, but apparently they want to call our marriage into question because I wasn't with you yesterday."

"No, I believe they're calling it into question because you and Katie had lunch without me…not that I mind of course. I've always encouraged the two of you to have your own time together."

"Whatever the reason for the accusation, I don't like it."

"It doesn't exactly thrill me either," Johanna retorted. "But what do you want me to do about it?"

"What does it matter what I want? You're going to do what you want anyway, you always do…and if you need proof of that, it's sitting out in the driveway!"

"Jim, please," she said sharply.

"Please, what?"

"Please stop this. I didn't commit murder, I bought a car."

"Yeah, you bought a car and the media has already found out…and apparently you didn't even know that you were being followed at the market. That doesn't make me feel very secure about you going out on your own when apparently you're not paying attention to your surroundings."

"I do pay attention! I'm always checking to see if anyone is around. Those pictures inside the market had to be taken with a cell phone. Maybe I was distracted; Rick kept me talking to keep my mind off being out without you. He knew I was worried and I'm sure he was doing his own checking for anyone following us. Is it my fault they managed to blend in for a change? What about you? You must not have known they were watching you either, your face is in there!"

"That's different!"

"Why?"

"Because I'm not worried about me. I can take care of myself."

Indignation straightened her spine as she eyed him. "I can take care of myself! I don't need a damn babysitter!"

"I didn't mean it that way."

"Then say what you mean!"

Jim took a long drink of his coffee. "I don't know what I mean, alright. I just want you to be safe. I don't want these damn vultures cornering you when you're alone. They didn't come near you yesterday, but what about the next time?"

"I'll cross that bridge when I come to it…if worst comes to worst; I know how to dial 911."

He sighed deeply and shoved away from the table. "Swear to me that you're not leaving this house today, Johanna."

"I promise," she replied. "Sit down and finish your breakfast…you don't have to talk to me while you do it if you don't want to. Believe me I've gotten the message that you're mad at me."

"I'm not hungry," he stated. "I'm going to work."

"Fine, go on…but don't take you bad mood out on anyone else. Save it for where it belongs."

He didn't reply to the remark as he headed toward their office to get his briefcase and she pushed away her plate as she exhaled a frustrated breath. She hated arguing over breakfast…it set a tone for the whole day and it wasn't a good one. The worries she had been trying to suppress crept up on her but she held them at bay, there would be time to worry after Jim left. His footsteps sounded and moment later and she rose from the table as he moved back through the kitchen.

"Stay home," he demanded as he eyed her.

"I already promised that I would," she replied.

"Keep the doors locked."

"I always do."

He pressed a rough kiss against her cheek and then moved toward the back door and opened it.

"I love you," she called out to him.

"Yeah…I love you too."

"Don't make it sound like such a chore," Johanna said softly.

He stopped in his tracks at the comment and paused; he never wanted her to think that he felt loving her was a chore. He turned and crossed the room to where she stood and caught her chin between his fingers and captured her lips in a kiss that had her arms slipping around him as she melted against him.

"It's never a chore," Jim murmured.

"I hope not," she whispered.

"It's not," he assured as he kissed her once more. "I better go."

Johanna nodded and smoothed his jacket and tie. "Have a good day, honey."

It didn't seem possible to have a good day but he managed to give her a hint of a small smile and a nod before walking away.

* * *

Kate gave a disgusted sigh as her gaze fell upon the newspaper as she pushed away her empty bowl. It was a shame Adam Bracken didn't get lost on his way back to the states. She wouldn't have shed any tears if he had ended up on some deserted isle somewhere far away…where he could be of no use to his brother. He liked to talk about how dirty everyone else was…but what about his family? William Bracken was as dirty as they came and she imagined his baby brother wasn't much better. He was going to dog them every step of the way and the thought put a knot her stomach. She forced it away, telling herself that there wasn't anything she could do about it; that he just liked to run his mouth and wasn't really a threat. But somewhere deep down she knew he couldn't be so easily dismissed…no matter how much she wanted to do so.

"So?" Castle said, breaking into her thoughts.

"So what?"

"What are you going to do?"

"There isn't anything I can do about the things he says," she replied; "Since the media is clearly back in the picture and probably camped out on my parents sidewalk I'm going to go check on my mother and then go to work as always. It's best just to put him out of mind."

"You're right," he agreed. "He wants to be inside your head, making you nervous. If you show him you're not and that he isn't baiting you, then maybe he'll crawl back under his rock."

"I doubt that; he's too stubborn to crawl under a rock. He'll keep trying…he's convinced he's going to take some people down and we both know a man like that doesn't give up easily."

"Especially when he's trying to be a hero for big brother."

"Exactly," Kate said as she took her phone from her pocket and punched a number.

"What are you doing?"

"Calling Gates and telling her I want to check on things at my mother's before I come in this morning."

He nodded and remained quiet while she tended to her call, listening with only casual interest to her side of the dialogue until she hung up. "All set?" he asked.

"Yeah…she said it's probably best for me to come in late anyway. Apparently there are some reporters waiting for me outside."

Concern flicked across his features. "I can abandon my writing plans today and go with you."

"No," she said with a shake of her head; "I can manage. I want you to get your work finished. Just don't go on anymore shopping sprees with my mother today."

"No shopping sprees," he promised. "I don't want to push my luck with Jim."

"Yeah, you probably shouldn't; rumor has it that you're the only one of my boyfriends he's ever really liked."

"If I had known that, I would've never taken Johanna out to buy a car. I can't afford to jeopardize that kind of status."

Kate laughed. "You probably should be careful with it…it could change at any time. He looks calm and sedate on the surface…but underneath he can be just as temperamental as my mother."

"Now you tell me. What should I buy him to keep him happy with me?"

"Nothing…keep me happy and he'll be fine with you."

"Done," Castle smiled; "But I will go with you today if you want."

"I'll be fine," she assured.

"Alright," he said as he picked up his phone and began to touch the screen.

"Is this your procrastination method?" she asked as she watched him.

"No; I just felt the need to tweet."

"Oh, and what are you tweeting if I may ask?"

He grinned. "I wrote 'The even bigger news today is that sometimes I go grocery shopping by myself.' That ought to take care of anything that trickles into my sector," he remarked.

She laughed. "I like it."

"See I'm off to a creative start already."

"Good. I better get going," she told him, capturing his lips in a kiss. "I love you."

"I love you too, be careful."

"I will."

"Call if anything good comes up," he pleaded.

"Don't I always?"

"Yes…but you never know, you might decide to keep it all for yourself."

"Never," Kate laughed. "I'll see you later."

* * *

A knock at the back door had Johanna creeping up on it cautiously until she heard a familiar voice call out "Mom." She increased her pace, undoing the locks with haste in case a member of the media wandered around the back of the house and spotted her child. "Katie," she said as she pushed the screen door open. "I didn't expect to see you around here today."

"Are you busy?" her daughter asked as she stepped inside the kitchen.

"No…just surprised to see you."

"Because of your fan club out front?"

"Yeah…as you know, I saw the paper this morning. I'm sorry that they caught you at lunch yesterday."

Kate shrugged as she dropped into a chair at the kitchen table. "There's nothing wrong with being seen with my father."

"Do you want some coffee? Did you eat breakfast?"

"I ate but I'll take some coffee," she replied, picking up on her mother's somewhat agitated state.

"Shouldn't you be at work?" Johanna asked.

"I told Captain Gates that I wanted to stop here first and check on things since we made the paper again. She said I could come in late…that it would probably be best since there's a few reporters camped out in front of the precinct."

"I'm sorry," her mother murmured as she sat a cup of coffee down in front of her and then returned to her own seat across the table from her.

"Why? You didn't tell them to go stand around there and wait on me."

"You know why. But I'm also sorry that they got those pictures of Rick accompanying me on my errands. You're trying to keep your relationship under wraps and that will probably just put the spotlight on it again. Of course I guess it already has with some of the remarks that were made."

"Don't worry about it. If they want to speculate about my relationship they will regardless of the reason."

"I know but I don't want to be the reason. I guess I didn't think about this possibility when I asked him to go with me. The media had been quiet for awhile and I guess I thought I could sneak out undetected."

"The media was out looking for us because they had new remarks from Adam Bracken that they could use for their articles," Kate remarked.

Johanna was quiet for a moment. "Katie…"

"What?"

"How much do we need to worry about Adam Bracken?"

The detective shifted in her seat. "So far he just seems like a bag of hot air that likes to run his mouth when he can think of something to say. Has there been some sort of threat?"

"No…I just get to thinking about him when he makes some remark in the media about how he's out to 'expose' us and I just worry that he'll try to hurt you…physically…not that I want you hurt emotionally either but it stays on my mind."

"I think he wants to serve up his revenge in a non physical way," Kate replied. "He wants to try to destroy us publicly because they can't risk trying to kill us again. We'll be okay, try not to give him too much thought. He wants to get into our heads and scare us; don't let him."

She nodded and shifted the topic back to its original focus. "I probably should've asked you before I called your boyfriend and asked him to take me on an errand."

Kate gave her a small smile. "To hear him tell it he had to come over here and browbeat you into telling him what you wanted because you apparently changed your mind when he answered the phone."

"Yeah…you could say that."

"It's okay you know. I don't mind that you called him. I know you had your reasons…and I know that if he was with you then you were safe. He didn't mind going along, especially since you seemed to have helped him with a problem with the book."

"It's easier to concentrate on other people's problems rather than my own."

Kate laughed. "Mom, you can be friends with Castle, I want you to be. I want everyone to get along and be comfortable."

"Well I remember how much you hated it when I'd talk too much to whatever boy you'd bring around here…but your father was always giving them death glares so I thought friendliness would balance things out but…"

"Mom," she interrupted.

"What?"

"Number one, I was a teenager. Number two, you're a chatty person by nature when you're comfortable with someone and number three, you're rambling."

"Old habit," Johanna quipped, but she knew that the real reason was the elephant in the room that they were avoiding…or rather the red mustang in the driveway that Kate wouldn't have been able to miss.

Kate shifted in her seat once again and took a sip of her coffee before bringing up the big issue. "Castle told me that you had requested that someone stop by and make sure you weren't locked in the attic or the basement."

"So far I haven't been lured in either direction but you might want to check in every so often in case that changes."

"How did Dad enjoy his steak dinner?"

"Well…most of it is wrapped up in the refrigerator. He only took a few bites before he left the table."

"I guess he was pretty upset."

"You could say that," Johanna replied as she tried to stifle a yawn.

"You look a little tired," Kate commented. "Did Plan B suck up all of your energy?"

Johanna smirked at her. "I kind of lost control of Plan B."

Her daughter's brow rose. "How?"

She caught her eye and held it. "Really? We're going there?"

"It's easier to take it if we keep referring to it as Plan B."

"Like I said, I lost control of the plan…"

"Which means…it got taken off the table?"

Johanna shook her head. "No, it was carried out…just not on my terms or the manner I had planned on."

"I think I get it," Kate aid as it sunk in.

"I certainly hope so," her mother replied. "There are only so many vague terms and I didn't want to have to draw you a picture."

"Believe me, I don't want that either."

"We always say we aren't going to talk about these things and yet we somehow always end up talking about it."

"We're getting better at it," Kate replied. "We haven't cringed yet or made a liquor store run."

"That's true, I guess we're getting over it and accepting each other as women instead of just as mother and daughter."

"I guess so," Kate agreed. "So how did the evening go last night…as a whole, not Plan B wise."

Johanna summarized the evening, leaving out some of the things that felt too personal to share but her daughter seemed to read between the lines and picked up on the things that she didn't say.

"He's afraid," her daughter stated when she finished her story.

"I know…so am I. I knew he had his own fears and worries but maybe I didn't realize how fierce they are. I'm afraid not to take this step…but I'm also afraid of what it might do to him."

"Are you afraid he'll drink?"

"I don't know," she said with a shrug. "I don't really think he would. I mean we've talked about it and I know how long it's been since he stopped. He's told me that he has no desire to go down that road again; that he doesn't want to do that to me and you and he doesn't want to do it to himself. I believe him, Katie; really I do…but sometimes I just can't help but think that if I drove him to drinking once I could drive him to it again. It's already hard for me to live with the knowledge that I did it once."

"Mom…you were the excuse he used. I know he was hurting, so was I. I know you were and still are his world and the love of his life…that he isn't complete without you…but there were other ways he could've coped. He could've thrown himself into work, he could've gone to counseling, he could've punched the walls. He chose to drink. You didn't make that choice for him."

"But I was the reason."

Kate breathed in and exhaled slowly, keeping herself calm as they waded through this touchy subject. "When Dad finally got help and stopped drinking, he told me that there had been a time in the past when you had to give him a wake-up call because he was starting to drink too much. He said I was four at the time…I don't really remember it. I have a few memories of there being a time when he didn't seem to be home as much and you seemed sad but I don't really remember specifics about that time. Do you remember it?"

Johanna nodded. "Yes, I remember. He was under a lot of stress at work at the time…and it seemed to make things rocky between us for awhile. I tried to shield you from it as much as I could. You're right; there were times during that time period when he wasn't home a lot. He needed to blow off steam so he'd go out with his friends…and he wouldn't come home until after you were in bed…sometimes I was in bed too before he'd come home. We argued a good bit during that time…and one night it got to be too much. He came home drunk and I was fed up. I started in on him and he got mean…he always could be mean if he drank too much whiskey but while we were fighting he grabbed a hold of my arm and told me I wasn't going to tell him what to do."

"What happened then?"

Her fingertips brushed her arm as if she could still feel his hand biting into her flesh. "I told him to let go of me because he was hurting me. There must've been one sober brain cell floating around because he let go without any hesitation, like he had suddenly realized what he was doing. I left the room and he went to bed. The next morning I took you over to Valerie's so you could play with Claire and then I came home and waited for him to wake up. When he did, I told him that things had to change because we couldn't keep going the way we were. You were picking up on things, it was starting to affect you and it was hurting me too. I told him that if his drinking habits were getting out of hand then we needed to find a way to take care of it because I wasn't going to let you grow up in that kind of life…and I wasn't going to live that way either. I said that if he didn't want to let me help him, or if he didn't want to help himself and he kept coming home drunk and neglecting us that I would take you and leave."

Kate's eye widened slightly. "That couldn't have been easy for you."

"It wasn't…you have no idea how much I hated having to say those words because it was the last thing I wanted. I didn't ever want to be in a position where I'd have to leave him…but I had to think of you and I had to make him see what he was doing to himself and to us. It seemed to wake him up and we talked about things that he had been keeping from me. He stopped going out for awhile and he spent more time with us. I kept an eye on him when he drank but he seemed to be policing himself and stuck to a limit of his choosing that I agreed with. We didn't have that problem again."

"Then don't you see, the seeds of that problem were always there, Mom. He started on that path long before you ever heard of Pulgotti."

"But I stopped him."

"Yes, you helped him stop himself that time but like I said, the seed was already there. How do you know that he wouldn't have gone down that path again for some other reason if none of this had ever happened?"

"I guess I don't know…but maybe I could've stopped him again."

"Maybe…maybe not. You don't know for sure. I know you feel guilty and I know you worry about it. I can't say that I never think about it because I do, but, Mom, he never once gave any indication of backsliding through all of this. He's committed to staying sober not only for himself but for you and me, so I really don't think you need to worry too much about that, okay?"

Johanna nodded, swiping her fingertips beneath her eyes. "I guess I didn't realize that I was as worried as much as I was about that."

"It's okay, it's normal," her daughter assured. "I'll tell you a secret if you promise not to get offended."

"I promise."

"Sometimes when you'd refill your wine glass when you were staying with me, I'd worry about you…and think that I didn't want to go down that path with another parent."

Her mother glanced down into her mug of coffee. "If you promise not to worry, because I promise there's no reason to, I'll tell you something."

"Okay, I promise."

"There were times in Wyoming when I did drink a lot; usually on holidays and birthdays…and I already admitted that I'd drink until I'd pass out on my anniversary."

"But you didn't do it all the time?"

She shook her head. "No, I'd stop myself when it seemed to be more frequent."

"Why?"

"Because I'd tell myself that I had to stay focused so I could come home. I kept telling myself that they'd call any day and say that it was over and that I could go home."

Kate saw the tears and the haunted look creeping into her mother's eyes and she reached across the table and took her hand. "Drinking numbed the pain sometimes," Johanna went on quietly. "It made it easy to live in my memories. That's another reason I'd pull back…I didn't deserve to have the pain numbed. I had to pay for what I did."

"You didn't do anything," Kate remarked as her thumb rubbed against her mother's skin.

"I ran away."

"You had to so you could come back to us. It was the only way for you to be safe. It's okay now."

Johanna shook away the dark thoughts, blinking rapidly to clear her eyes. "Anyway, once I was here I didn't feel the need to overindulge. I will admit that if I had a glass of wine right now, I'd drink it."

"I wouldn't blame you. I'm sure the pictures in the paper and the media out front didn't help your case with Dad."

"No, it didn't help at all. I tried to hide the paper from him but that didn't work. He didn't even eat all of his breakfast."

"He'll be alright; he just has to work through it."

"You haven't given me your opinion yet," Johanna said after a moment of silence passed between them.

"About what? I thought I was giving you a lot of opinions."

She eyed her daughter. "I think you know that I meant the car."

Kate blew out a breath. "I don't like the thought of you being on your own…but you're a grown woman, I can't tell you what to do like I did when you were living with me. I can't lock you in the closet…I might've fantasized about it once in awhile but I know I can't."

Johanna gave her a wry smile. "I know you fantasized about it; that's what you were doing when you were staring longingly at that duct tape display when we went to the market that first time."

'No comment."

"You don't have to comment, it was written all over your face."

"I was angry."

"It's okay if you still are in small ways," her mother remarked gently.

"Why does everyone keep saying that I'm mad at you?" Kate asked with a slight air of annoyance. "I said I forgive you and I mean it, if I didn't, I wouldn't be sitting here."

"Forgiveness doesn't mean that you can't still have small amounts of anger inside, Katie. I feel like I've made my peace with my father but I still have some anger towards him."

"That's because he's not here for you to confront," she responded. "You're here and we've had our fights and breakthroughs and I think we're fine so let's just leave it at that."

Johanna nodded, figuring it wouldn't be wise to push right now. "Okay, but if you ever need to discuss something, we can."

"I know…and as for the car…just promise me you'll be careful, okay?"

"I promise I'll be as careful as possible."

"Okay…and if you'd need me while you're out, call. If I can't get to you myself, I'll make sure someone else does."

"I promise, Katie."

"Alright," she said, patting her hand. "I'm going to finish my coffee and let you change the subject before I have to go."

"That's nice of you."

"I'm that kind of daughter."

Johanna smiled and changed the subject; keeping things light until Kate announced that it was time for her to go. She got up from the table and pulled her child into a tight embrace. "Be careful, Katie."

"I will be," she assured. "I'll send you a text and let you know I got to my desk safely if it'll make you feel better."

"It always makes me feel better," Johanna replied.

"Then I'll make sure you're informed. Why don't you lock the door and go back upstairs and try to get some more sleep?"

"Do I look that bad?" her mother asked as she pulled away.

"No; but I can tell you're tired…and you still have to contend with Dad about all of this so…you should be rested."

"Good point," Johanna remarked. "I think I will go back upstairs, but don't forget to send me that message."

"I won't. Talk to you later."

Johanna said goodbye and saw her off, locking the door as Kate backed out of the driveway. A nap did sound good…and sleep would keep her mind off of things.

* * *

As Jim sat in a quiet conference room with Zach that morning, he found it hard to concentrate on the multitude of files they needed to comb through. He couldn't push his troubles to the back of his mind today; they stubbornly remained front and center. He sighed and reached for his briefcase in search of another pen as the one he was using had run out of ink. His brow furrowed in puzzlement as his hand curled around something in his briefcase and he pulled it out to examine what the object was. Opening his hand, he discovered Johanna's car keys lying in his palm. His heart squeezed at the sight, knowing that she had tucked them into his briefcase to give him peace of mind, to assure him that she wasn't leaving the house…that she'd be there when he got home. He blew out a frustrated breath, what was he going to do?

"What's bugging you today, Jim?" Zach asked as he looked up from his papers.

Jim hesitated for a moment as he debated the merits of confiding in his friend. This was stuff he usually saved for Jeff but Jeff was busy interviewing people in a room down the hall. It wasn't that he never confided in Zach before, he had…it was just that he tried not to burden his friends too often with his problems. He looked down at the keys in his hand and curled his fingers around them before dropping them on top of the yellow legal pad he had been writing on.

"Are you thinking of leaving?" his friend asked upon sight of the keys.

"No…they're Johanna's keys. She bought a car yesterday," he finally confessed.

Zach looked at the keys and then back to Jim. "And why do you have her car keys?"

"She must've slipped them into my briefcase this morning before I went downstairs…I guess it's her way of letting me know that she isn't going anywhere."

"I feel like I'm missing part of the story," his friend said. "Did you not know that she was getting a car?"

"No, she didn't inform me of her plans," he answered before filling him in on the story.

Zach tapped his pen against his stack of papers as he searched for the right words to offer. "She's right, Jim," he finally said. "She had no choice but to buy a car without you knowing about it. If she hadn't you wouldn't have allowed her to get one."

"I have my reasons," he remarked; "And maybe they seem overboard…but they're reasons none the less."

"No one can blame you for feeling the way you do. I understand your fear and that you want to do everything humanly possible to protect her. I would feel the same way if I was in your shoes…but she's not a song bird you can put in a cage, Jim. When you think about it, she's been a hostage for over a decade…and it's killed something inside of her; something that she's trying to revive. Jo was always an independent woman and she needs that back. She doesn't want to live in fear anymore…and she doesn't want you living in fear either. If you want her to heal and to be the woman she always was, then you can't make her feel bad about taking the steps to get there."

"I just don't want to lose her again."

"Being able to drive herself to the market or to Macy's doesn't mean that you're going to lose her."

"But she'll be alone. Anyone could get to her. Did you see the pictures of her in the paper this morning?"

"No, I usually don't look at the paper until the evening. What was it about?"

"They were following her while she was at the market and she didn't even know it. She wasn't alone yesterday but the next time she will be and I hate that. What if someone tries to hurt her? What if the media doesn't keep their distance like they did this time? They like to get in people's space and yell their questions and comments…I know that for a fact because they've done that to us and I know how upset she gets…and how she holds herself stiff to keep from shaking because they're too close. Then there's that Adam Bracken who's always running his mouth. God only knows what he'd do or have done for his brother. I just feel like she isn't safe out there."

"Jim, we live in a dangerous city. There are muggers and gang members, drug dealers, psychopaths…cab drivers and bus drivers who don't pay attention while they're driving. We all take a chance every day when we walk out the door."

"I know that…but Jo has a bigger risk."

"Johanna will be careful…and you have to let go a little; you're going to suffocate her. Having her independence doesn't mean that she's going to need you any less…because I have a feeling maybe that's part of the problem here along with those bigger issues. You think if she's standing on her own two feet that she's somehow pulling away from you. She's not. She'll need you just as much as she always has…maybe more. She needs to know that you support her, that you're waiting on her to come home from running her errands; that you're only a phone call away if she feels frightened or has car problems. She told you that she's willing to take precautions, that she'll carry the gun, she'll call when she gets to her destination and she'll call when she's leaving. That sounds reasonable enough, don't you think?"

He curled his hand around the keys again. "Yeah, it all sounds nice and reasonable…until it isn't."

"You can't think like that. You have to think about what's best for Johanna."

"I am."

"No, you're thinking about what's best for you. You can breathe easier if she's locked in the house or if she has a bodyguard; but Jo doesn't want to live that way anymore and you shouldn't make her. She has logical reasons for needing a car of her own. Katie has a job where she could get hurt and until she's married, you and Jo are her next of kin and Johanna needs to be able to get to her if you can't. As your wife, she needs to be able to get to you too if you're hurt or sick or whatever the circumstance may be."

Jim said nothing as he stared at the keys; he knew that those were logical reasons for Johanna to have a car at home with her when he had to be out, but he couldn't help the fears he had.

"She needs to be able to go out on her own, Jim. What's she supposed to do next month when we go on that hunting trip?" Zach asked.

"What?" he said, his head jerking upward.

"The hunting trip," Zach stated. "You know; the one we've all been going on for the last five years? It's coming up in November."

"I can't go on that trip! Are you crazy? I can't leave Johanna alone for a week!"

"The plans have already been made, Jim."

"But that was before I knew my wife was still alive…it was before she came home."

"I know that but there's no reason you can't go. Johanna would feel terrible if you gave up this trip because of her and you know it."

"She won't know. I won't tell her about it."

Zach eyed him. "I'll tell her. I bet Jeff will too."

"You wouldn't."

"I will," he said seriously. "Look, Jim; I know what you've been through, you've all been through hell and you just want to hold on tight to her, I get it, really I do. But you have to let go. You have to stop clipping her wings. You need to support her and tell her that you'll be there waiting on her to get home. She needs this, she needs to know that she'll make it home on her own…and you need to know it too. Making her feel like she's doing something wrong isn't right, Jim, and you know that. If you love her, you'll give her back her keys and you'll be the supportive husband you've always been to her. Did you ever think that maybe when you act this way it makes her feel like you don't trust her? Do you think about how you're making her feel when you're acting this way?"

Jim scrubbed a hand over his face, "No, I guess I don't…I'm too busy thinking about everything that could go wrong if she's out there by herself."

"Well you have to stop letting that fear rule you; it's not making things better, it's only going to make them worse. She put those keys in your briefcase because you've made her feel like she's done something wrong…and she's probably afraid of losing you if she pushes back too much. You're not the only one who's scared, Jim. She's just as terrified as you are, maybe more."

He nodded. "I guess you're right."

"Don't guess, know it. I know it isn't easy but you have to let her do this; you love her don't you?"

"You know I do."

"Then you have to do what's best for her."

"I know…"

"And you can remind her about the precautions she promised to take when she goes out."

"Oh believe me, I will."

Zach smiled. "And for added piece of mind, you can get one of those apps on your phone that will allow you to track her phone; you'll know where she's at every second of the day as long as her phone is on."

"I don't know if she'd like me tracking her like that," Jim replied.

"Who said she has to know?" Zach asked. "What you have on your phone is your business."

"That's true…and I do like the idea. It would ease some of the anxiety."

His friend nodded. "Give me your phone; I'll get you the one I have. It's easy to use and it's disguised as a game on your phone."

Jim got up from the table and moved to a seat near Zach and handed the man his phone. "Who are you tracking, Zach?"

"I track my wife."

"Why?"

"Because I already had one wife clean out my bank account and jump on a plane, I don't aim to have another. If Monica makes a bank run and then heads to the airport, I'm going to be on her like stink on a monkey. She can keep the plane ticket but she isn't keeping my money like Claudia did."

"At least she left you the kids."

Zach laughed. "I love my boys but there were a few occasions when I would've rather had my money."

Jim laughed with him. "Like when you had to pick them up from the police station."

"Definitely that day," he answered before showing Jim how to work the app that he had just downloaded on his phone. "See, it's that easy," he said when finished. "See that, Jo's safe and sound at home, as we knew, but that proves that it works."

Jim nodded. "I like it, thank you."

"No problem…maybe having that will help you do what you know you need to do…and that includes telling her about that hunting trip soon."

He blew out a breath, he knew what he had to do…and it wouldn't be easy.

* * *

Jim let himself in the back door at lunch time, expecting that Johanna would be in the kitchen but the room was empty. The sound of a piano drifted on the air and he followed it to their office, pausing in the doorway to watch her as her fingers moved across the keys. She seemed to be playing more smoothly this time and he couldn't help but wonder if she'd been practicing during these days that he had been at work. He moved into the room without a word and she didn't register his appearance until he sat down beside her on the bench.

"Jim," she exclaimed in surprise. "I didn't know you were coming home for lunch. You should've called; I would've had something ready for you."

He gave a shake of his head. "I'm not worried about eating."

"But you didn't eat much breakfast…and you didn't eat much last night."

"I'm fine," he assured with a small smile.

"Are they still outside?"

"No, I didn't see anyone when I drove around to pull in the driveway."

"Good."

Silence fell between them for a moment, his gaze flicking to her sheet music. "The Sound of Music, again?" he asked, grasping at straws for a conversation in effort to avoid the elephant in the room.

Johanna nodded. "It's my favorite…it makes me think of Mom."

"Why?"

"Because it was the first show I saw on Broadway. I was eight…and for once it was just me and my parents. I had them to myself for a change…and I loved the show so much. Mom bought the sheet music so we could learn to play the songs. They took me to the theater at the end of every school year as a reward for good grades," she said softly. "It was the only thing that the three of us did together."

"Frank never struck me as the type to sit through too many Broadway shows," Jim commented.

"He never seemed to mind; and if he did, it was the one thing he stayed quiet about. He knew how much Mom loved it so he tried to take her anytime there was a show she wanted to see…and he didn't seem to mind making an extra trip to take me in the summer. He never acted bothered by it…one time he took me without Mom."

"How did that come about?"

"Dad had a business dinner to go to and Mom was supposed to go with him but she ended up having her appendix out the week before and she wasn't feeling up to doing much, let alone shoving herself into a cocktail dress for an evening out. He didn't want to go alone since his client was bringing his wife…she told him to take me in her place, that it would be good for me because one day I'd be married and I'd have to accompany my husband on those sorts of outings and it was best that I had some experience with it. He didn't want to take me…no surprise there, huh?"

"But I guess she must've talked him into it?"

Johanna gave a small smile. "Yeah; she also talked him into taking me out to buy a new dress for the occasion. He hated that. The night of the dinner I overheard them talking about something that had to do with tickets but I didn't know what they were for but Mom kept saying that she didn't want him to go through the hassle of trading them in, that if things went well and there was time, that he should go ahead and use them. I didn't pay any attention to it; I figured it didn't have anything to do with me. We went to the dinner; I was of course lectured the whole way on behaving like a proper young lady because if I didn't, I'd wish I had."

"That sounds like Frank."

She laughed softly. "Yeah, he was always true to form, wasn't he? Anyway, the meal went well and I guess I acted the way he wanted because when it was over he was happy and he told me we were going somewhere else before heading home. I was surprised when he took me to the theater…but it was nice. We didn't have too many occasions like that when it was just the two of us…and he didn't seem to mind spending the time with me. I usually got a wave of his hand as he told me to go bother mom so I always cherished it. We stopped to get Mom some flowers on the way home; he bought me a pink rose. He said I was growing up and that soon boys would be bringing me flowers and he thought that a girl's first rose should be from her father. It was special…I never forgot that. That's why I'd stay home sometimes when you'd get tickets to ball games, I knew how special it would be to Katie to have you all to herself for the day and I wanted her to have that feeling as much as possible."

"I'm just glad to know that you had that feeling at least once," Jim replied as he silently thought to himself that Frank McKenzie had finally beaten him at something. Frank had taken her to the theater, fed her love for that form of entertainment…and he, as her husband, hadn't. He had never denied her the joy of going, but he had denied her his company in the pursuit…and maybe now he knew why it had always been so important that he take her. It was the one thing that her father had done with her willingly and maybe she took that as a sign of love and affection.

"Mom pressed the rose for me, it's in one of my yearbooks," she said quietly.

"I don't think you've ever told me those stories before."

"You never asked…and I figured you wouldn't be interested anyway. I know how you feel about Broadway."

"I'm interested in anything about you; but I guess it's nice that we can still learn new things about each other after all of these years."

She smiled. "Yeah, I guess it is. Are you home for the day or just on a break?"

"A break," he replied; uneasiness washing over him again as he took her car keys from his pocket. "I found these in my briefcase…I thought I'd bring them back to you so they don't get lost."

She didn't take them from his hand, merely looked at them and then back to his face. "You can hang on to them; I don't need them right now."

Jim shook his head and took her hand, placing the keys in her palm and curling her fingers over them. "No, that's okay. Keep them here."

Johanna laid the keys on top of the piano but felt the tension that was seeping into the room. "I could still make lunch," she offered.

He chuckled quietly. "You're so much like your mother; she always thought problems would go away if you just fed someone enough too."

"You could've just said no…I think I have plenty to feel bad about without throwing in a learned behavior that's been passed down through the generations. I think it's too late to change me in some respects."

"I didn't mean it that way."

"How did you mean it?"

This wasn't a good conversation to have, he thought to himself; it could only end badly. "I didn't mean anything by it."

"You must've meant something."

"Let it go, Johanna."

It grew quiet, neither making any attempt to move from the piano bench. She sighed heavily; she sure had made a mess of things when she bought that damn car. Maybe she should've waited. Maybe it was too soon. But it was done now and she wasn't sure how to get out of it. "So do you not want me to make dinner tonight?" she asked; "Because if you call before you leave the office, I can order a pizza and it should get here around the same time as you."

"I didn't say that, Johanna."

"I know, but I was just asking. I won't be offended if you want me to order something."

"I don't care what you do, Jo. Do whatever makes you happy."

That was never good, she thought to herself. "Jim, I don't want to fight."

"We're not."

"It feels like it."

"I know," he sighed. "And I swear I didn't come home with the intent to fight with you. I just wanted to give you back your keys and…"

"And what?"

"I don't know…I guess I wanted to tell you that I trust you."

"That's good to know."

His hand found hers and held it, feeling that maybe temporary silence was best for the moment. His wife seemed to have other ideas though.

"I never meant to hurt you," she whispered.

"You didn't hurt me…you made me angry."

"I didn't want that either; even though I knew you would be."

"I guess you did what you felt you had to," he remarked.

"Seems like I'm always screwing up in that area."

Jim shook his head. "No you don't…it's just that sometimes you make choices that are hard to get used to…but we'll get through it. It just might take a little time."

"I've got time."

"Me too," he answered, and then after a moment of silence he added; "Are you going to make me a sandwich or not?"

"That depends; is it going to be a problem if I do?"

"It would be more of a problem if you don't," he said lightly.

"In that case, I'll make you lunch…just like my mother would," she quipped as she got up from the bench.

"There are worse things you could be," he replied.

"I know…I could be like Elizabeth Beckett."

"We wouldn't want that."

"No we wouldn't," she remarked. "It's far better to be like Naomi McKenzie."

"You won't get any argument out of me about that."

* * *

The day had been pretty uneventful, Kate thought to herself as she sorted her papers, putting those she had finished in a neat pile to be filed and putting the unfinished ones in a stack off to the side of her desk to be finished tomorrow. She hadn't minded having a relatively quiet day, it meant that she had gotten to meet up with Castle for lunch and she had enjoyed their time together…even if she had kept looking over her shoulder for photographers. She was pretty sure she had spotted at least one and she wouldn't be surprised if the photo was already splashed across the internet or going to press for the next day's paper. She didn't care; they hadn't done anything that painted a portrait of their intimacy. They looked like two friends having lunch together…and what people speculated was their problem…into it became her problem but she didn't want to think about that today. She took her phone out of her pocket and wrote a message to Castle.

 _"Getting ready to leave, see you soon."_

"Beckett," Captain Gates called from her the open doorway of her office.

Kate cringed inside; she really hoped this wasn't going to be something that would keep her at the precinct all night. "Yeah?"

"I need to see you before you leave for the night."

Her stomach dropped. "Okay; I'll be there in a moment."

Gates nodded and Kate turned her attention back to her phone, feeling like her quiet day was about to get upended. " _Gates needs to talk to me; I might be a little later than planned_ ," she wrote to Castle.

"What did you do now, Beckett?" Ryan called out as he pulled on his coat.

"I don't know," she answered. "I guess I'll find out soon enough."

Esposito shook his head at her, a teasing grin on his lips. "You just can't stay out of trouble, Beckett. I don't know what's wrong with you."

She smirked at him. "It's probably the company I keep."

"Is that anyway to talk about Castle?" he asked.

"I meant you smart ass," she retorted lightly. "I'll see you guys tomorrow."

They said goodnight and headed for the elevator as she shut down her computer. Her phone buzzed and she glanced at it. "Good luck," Castle had written. She smiled slightly, she had a feeling she'd need it.

Kate slipped into her jacket and gathered up her purse and keys and then made the trek to the Captain's office. "You wanted to see me, Sir?"

Gates looked up at her. "Close the door, Kate."

Her stomach began to churn again; this wasn't going to be good. She shut the door and ventured further into the office, taking the chair that Gates nodded at.

"Is something wrong?" Kate asked.

"Kate; I hate to be the one to tell you this…"

Her face blanched, one fear slamming into her and making her interrupt. "Is it my mother, did something happen to her?" she asked, trying desperately to keep her tone even.

"No; it's nothing like that," Gates assured. "But it isn't exactly good news."

"What is it?"

"I have a friend who has tipped me off that Internal Affairs is going to begin investigating you in the next several days."

She felt like she had just been punched in the stomach and she found herself without words for a moment. "Why?" she finally asked. "I haven't done anything wrong."

Gates leaned forward, her hands resting on her desk. "They're looking into Bracken's arrest…with the possibility of looking into others as well."

Kate nodded; the pieces of the puzzle falling into place. "Adam Bracken," she murmured. "He started this, didn't he?"

"I can't say for certain…but it's my guess."

"Can they do this?" she asked. "The F.B.I. took over Senator Bracken's case; they found nothing wrong with the bust."

"If a complaint has been made, then yes, they can and will investigate you," the Captain answered.

"I can't believe this…it's ridiculous."

"I agree, but it's best for you to be prepared for it, Kate. Make sure you have all of your ducks in a row about the facts…and anything else."

"There's nothing I can do to head this off?" the detective asked in desperation.

"No; but Kate, I want you to know that I'm going to do everything I can for you."

That was a relief and good to know but it didn't ease the queasy feeling in her stomach. "Will they call in Ryan and Esposito?"

"Possibly…Mr. Castle too. It's best that you prepare them as well."

She nodded. "When can I expect them to show up?"

"That I don't know," her Captain replied. "My source wasn't privy to that information but I'd expect them anytime in the near future."

And so her day was definitely down the drain she thought to herself. She asked a few more questions about what to expect but Gates couldn't provide any concrete answers, saying that a lot of things depended on the case and what they were looking for. She did however reiterate her promise to do everything for her that she could.

"Is there anything else?" Kate asked, desperate to leave the precinct.

"No, that's all; you can go," Captain Gates stated; her tone softer than usual. "I'm sorry, Kate."

She offered her Captain a small smile as she rose from the chair. "Yeah, me too."

* * *

Jim walked through the house at the end of the day, dropping his briefcase in their office before making the trek to the kitchen. He had been relieved to see that the reporters hadn't returned to their spot on the sidewalk…and after that awkward lunch with his wife, he was feeling slightly uneasy about the evening ahead. He could hear music playing as he came upon the kitchen and pausing in the doorway he identified the song that Johanna was singing along to as 'Take It to The Limit'. His mind drifted back in time to the road trip they had taken the summer before they had started dating. Most specifically he recalled a moonlit picnic in Maryland where they had pushed their own limits to this song while lying on a blanket under the stars. They had been looking for freedom that summer…and they had found it on the open road.

Johanna turned away from the food she was preparing and her gaze met his. "What are you doing hovering in doorways?" she asked quietly.

"Just thinking," he replied.

"About what?"

"A picnic in Maryland that this song was the soundtrack for."

She smiled. "That was a special night."

"Everything about that trip was special."

"I agree…we were free and happy."

"Free and happy," Jim repeated to himself; those were things she needed back then…and apparently she needed them again now. It wasn't hard back then to give it to her but now it was…and it shouldn't be.

"Sit down, dinner's ready," she remarked. "I had to go ahead and cook. I already had the chicken thawed out and I didn't want it to go to waste."

"I never said you shouldn't cook, Jo," he replied as he moved to the table. "I'm sorry for what I said earlier."

"I know; lets just forget it," she said as she brought his plate to the table.

He smiled as he glanced down; fried chicken…she was going to tick off every one of his favorite foods until he forgave her. That was her way and he wouldn't change a thing about it even if he could. "I'm glad you cooked," he told her sincerely as she settled down across from him with her own plate. "I'm starved and your fried chicken is always just the cure."

Johanna's smile wobbled a bit. "I wish that was true."

"It is," he assured. "How was your day?"

"Nothing exciting happened," she answered. "Katie stopped by this morning to check on me but other than that I've just been doing what I always do. Tell me about your day; how is the case going?"

Jim gave her an indulgent smile; she was going to keep all of the focus on him and off of her…she always thought that would keep him from thinking about her and whatever she had done too much. It didn't…but he'd play along. He owed her that for the way he had been acting and he'd have to find a way to show her that all would be well again.

* * *

After her meeting with Gates, Kate headed home to her apartment. There were a few reporters loitering outside of the building, shouting their questions as soon as they seen her but she gave them the brush off as she headed for the door. Camera flashes went off around her, she'd probably make the paper again tomorrow but she couldn't think about that right now, she told herself as she slipped inside the building and walked to the elevator. She had more important things to worry about.

The logical side of her brain told her that she really had no reason to worry, that her track record was clean and that there was no way that they could prove that any of her arrests had been unlawful, especially where Bracken was concerned. The other side of her brain, however, was consumed with worry. There was no doubt in her mind that Adam Bracken was behind this investigation and there was no telling who he might have in his pocket and on his payroll. She felt that everything was on her side and in her favor…but things could be faked; the truth could be twisted into something it wasn't. They could focus on one tiny little thing and blow it up into something huge. They could strip her of her badge; maybe even put the case in jeopardy. If they couldn't find a way to take her badge, they could cast her in an unflattering light that would lead to public distrust…because she didn't doubt that the news would go public at some point.

Kate exhaled a heavy breath as she exited the elevator and moved down the hallway to her apartment on autopilot. Internal Affairs was a sticky business she thought to herself as she opened the door and flipped on the lights. They were a necessary evil…until they were unleashed on you for no reason. Moving to the couch, her gaze fell upon the framed photo on the stand; it was a picture of her and her parents in Wyoming that Castle had taken. Maybe they all should've just stayed there until all of this was over, she thought but then she quickly shook that idea away. If I.A. wanted to investigate her, that was fine; she hadn't done anything wrong and if they tried to take her down, she'd fight it.

But being in the right in her opinion and being willing to fight didn't necessary mean that all would end well, her traitorous brain reminded her. In someone else's mind she could be wrong…especially a mind that could already poisoned against her. Kate closed her eyes, she hadn't seen this coming and maybe she should have. Maybe she had let her guard down more than she had thought. When the F.B.I had stepped in and taken over the case, she had allowed herself to stop worrying about that angle. She had been assured that the evidence was solid; the case strong and air tight. But what would happen if her integrity was called into question? What would happen if she wasn't cleared? What about Ryan and Esposito; would they go down with her? Why did everything in her life have to be so damn complicated?

Her phone buzzed and she groaned, praying that it wasn't a call or message about a body. It was a text from Castle and she opened it and read it. " _Are you still talking to Gates?_ " he had written.

" _No, I'm home_ ," she typed back.

 _"Why didn't you come to the loft?"_

 _"I wanted to be seen coming home to my place."_

 _"Is everything alright? What did Gates want to talk about?"_

" _We need to talk about that_ ," Kate replied. " _Come over_."

" _Do you want me to bring something for dinner?"_

 _"No; we can order something once you get here_."

" _I'm leaving now," Castle replied. "See you shortly_."

Kate leaned back against the couch after laying her phone down. It felt like one of those never ending days…and she had a feeling there was going to be a lot of those.

* * *

A short while later, a knock came at the door and Kate hurried to let Castle inside. "I saw some people milling around out front so I snuck in the back way," he said as he took off his jacket.

"You didn't have to sneak in the back, Castle."

"I didn't mind," he replied. "I look at it as being adventurous."

She managed a soft half smile and concern filled him once again. Something wasn't right…he just hoped it wasn't something about them this time. "What's going on, Kate?"

"Gates called me in to her office to tell me that I'm being investigated by Internal Affairs."

"Internal Affairs?" he repeated. "Why?"

She shrugged. "Mainly in regard to Bracken's arrest but possibly others. I guess if they can't find something to take me down on for Bracken's arrest, they'll try to get me some other way."

Castle shook his head. "I don't understand…why are you being investigated? No one saw anything wrong with the bust; there were no problems. Who's behind this?"

"My guess is Adam Bracken," she stated as they settled down on the sofa. "You read the paper this morning; he's vowed to take us down…this is one way he can do it, at least to me…and I'm sure it's in his mind that if I would somehow lose my career that not only would that hurt me, it would hurt my mother as well because she'd blame herself for it."

"Two birds with one stone," he remarked.

"Exactly; at least until he can think of a better way to take her down…and he'll think of something. She asked me today how worried she should be about him. I told her he was just a bag of hot air…but he's going to dig and he could find something to use against her if tries hard enough. He can find things to use against me if he tries hard enough."

"What did Gates say about this?"

"She said she'd do everything that she could for me…"

"But?"

"But that I better have all of my ducks in a row."

"Meaning that you need to have your story straight about the takedown of Bracken…and Johanna's starring role in it?"

"Yeah."

Castle was quiet for a moment as he pondered what was to come for her. "Kate, do you need a lawyer?"

"I don't know," she murmured. "I'm allowed to have representation but I'm afraid that if I go in there with a lawyer right off the bat that it'll make me look guilty of something and I'm not."

"That makes sense…but there's also the matter of protecting yourself."

"Just because I don't start off with a lawyer doesn't mean I can't ask to be represented later on," she replied. "I feel like I need to see how this is going to be before I make that decision."

He nodded. "If you decide that you need one, you can use my lawyer…unless you were thinking of asking your Dad?"

Kate shook her head. "No; I can't ask Dad. It's too personal of a matter for him and while I know he'd be professional…I know inevitably the part of him that functions solely as my father would come into play…and possibly get us into more trouble. Both of my parents have experience in several areas of the law but something like this was probably more Mom's forte and while I'm sure she wouldn't hesitate to have her license reinstated…I don't want her to."

"Can she be reinstated?" he asked.

"Yes; all she has to do is take her papers and go to the New York Bar Association and explain things and pay the fees and she'd be back in business. Even when a lawyer retires in New York, they have to keep their license renewed. That's why my Dad is still able to work on cases."

"I see; well I agree that it's best for Johanna to stay retired from the law…so if you do feel like you need an attorney, then please don't hesitate to ask me to contact mine."

"I won't," she promised.

"What's this process going to be like? What will be done?"

"They'll go over everything with a fine tooth comb to see if I screwed up anything…and they can pick on the tiniest little detail if they find one. I'll be interviewed; possibly several times. Ryan and Esposito could be called in…so could you."

He blew out a breath at that thought. "Does that worry you?"

"No…I just wish there wasn't the possibility of dragging you into the mess but since you're my partner, it's very likely that you'll be called in and questioned."

"I can handle it," he replied. "What about your mother? She was actively involved in the arrest, will they call her in or will being your mother get her off the hook on the 'family will lie for family' angle."

Kate raked a hand through her hair. "I honestly don't know. I hope they won't call her in; I know she was a part of it…and I know we have a cover story to protect her so that it didn't look like she was trying to ambush Bracken…but they might bring her in, regardless of her relation to me. I hope they won't…I don't even want her to know about this right now."

"Why not?"

"Because…it's stress she doesn't need."

Castle's brow rose. "And stress you don't need?"

She felt terrible for admitting it but she nodded. "Yeah…she won't be able to rest and she'll be on the phone every ten minutes wanting to know what's going on, if I need representation, what my next move is going to be, ect. And then there will be the apologies…and I just can't listen to her to say 'I'm sorry' one more time. It sounds terrible but I can't. I don't like that she has to constantly be sorry and I don't like being the one who has to constantly be on the receiving end of it. If I can keep her in the dark for awhile, I will."

"I get that," he replied and his tone conveyed that he was sincere. "But if there's a possibility of her being dragged into this, isn't it better to prepare her for the possibility."

"I just want to see where this is going first," Kate stated. "If it looks like it's going that way then of course I'll tell her and prepare her for it."

"Fair enough. Have you told Ryan and Esposito yet?"

"No; I'll tell them tomorrow. I wanted to tell you first."

"Is there anything I can do?" he asked, feeling helpless.

She smiled then and scooted closer, curling up against him. "Just be here."

"You can count on that."

"And bear with me…I might not be in the best of moods while this is going on," Kate added regretfully.

"I think that probably goes without saying," Castle replied, a touch of amusement lacing his tone.

She gave a soft laugh. "You're already anticipating my mood swings?"

"Yes, that's relationship 101."

Kate rubbed her hand against his chest and sighed. "What am I going to do, Castle?"

"What you always do; face it and fight it."

"What if they set me up somehow and Bracken ends up walking?"

"That's not going to happen, Kate."

"You don't know that for sure."

"Neither do you. Don't worry about that until you have to."

Kate squeezed her eyes shut; she hated to feel so vulnerable. She didn't like feeling like she had no control over a situation at hand or over her emotions. She hated what this mess had done to her. If Bracken's slightly possible chance at a release only affected her safety, she wouldn't worry as much. But it wasn't just her safety; it was her mother's too. She was always going to feel somewhat responsible for her mother's safety, although recently that weight had been lifting from her shoulders…but now it was settling upon her once again.

"What are you thinking about?" Castle asked.

"I was just thinking that every time we start to feel safe something comes along to threaten that feeling."

"You're safe," he told her, rubbing his hand along her arm. "This will be a thorn in your side for awhile but it'll get settled and everything will be fine, you'll see."

"And if it isn't and this starts all over again?"

"Then I'll take you away somewhere where you're safe and everything is fine."

"And my mother?" she asked. "What about her? What's she supposed to do?"

"Her husband can take her away somewhere."

"They should've stayed in Wyoming undercover until this was over."

"Johanna's a basket case in Wyoming," Castle replied. "No offense intended of course…but she was wound pretty tight there, even with your Dad there she didn't settle down too much."

"Technically she's a basket case in New York," Kate stated; "So it probably doesn't make much difference."

"No, there's a difference," he said; "She may be a basket case in some respects but she's a settled basket case here…this is her home and that makes it easier. She's trying though, she's taking baby steps."

"I know she is…I just really wish she would've gone with a less noticeable car if she wants to venture out on her own but there's nothing to be done about that now."

"I tried to talk her into it."

"I know…just promise me that if she picks up on one of her motherly 'something's wrong' vibes and calls you that you won't tell her about this I.A. business right now."

"If that call would come in, I'll just tell her that you're stressed from work."

"That won't be a lie."

"Are you going to tell Ryan and Esposito outside of work?"

"No; I'll just pull them aside and tell them in the break room tomorrow. It looks less suspicious that way if I'm being watched…which makes me sound incredibly paranoid, but…"

He shook his head. "No, I get it. They could be watching to see how you're reacting and what you're doing to prepare. If you talk to the boys at the precinct, you could be talking about anything. Outside of the precinct they would assume it's about their investigation."

"Right."

"This is going to sound like a stupid question and I'm sure I already know the answer, but have you ever had to go through this before?" he inquired.

"It's not a stupid question," Kate replied; "But no, I've never been through this process before and there are probably things about it that I don't know. I'm just trying to prepare myself for anything, and anyone involved with me professionally should probably do the same, including you despite your civilian status because I really doubt you'll be left out."

"Hey, I'm ready. They're not going to trip me up or anything else they have up their sleeves."

"Don't get cocky, Castle; that's how people slip up," she said gently.

He hugged her to him. "Don't worry…this is all going to go away."

"God I hope so."

"How about we order dinner and then talk more about it later?"

"Sounds good. A change of conversation is probably in order for awhile."

* * *

"How come you haven't come upstairs to bed?" Jim asked quietly later that night as he stepped into the kitchen.

Johanna shrugged as she carefully turned the aged pages of her mother's recipe book. "Maybe I was hoping that you'd come down here and dance with me."

He moved closer, the station break almost over on the radio, and he took her hand and pulled her into his arms just as the next song started. A small smile touched her lips as the melody of Crimson and Clover began to play; an old favorite from her teenage days; but also special in another way, for she and Jim had danced to it during their summer road trip the year before they started dating.

The song took Jim back in time to the memory she was thinking of and he could still see her as she was that night, in her red summer dress, her cares forgotten. He seemed to be thinking about that long ago trip a lot lately. It had been an incredible experience between them…and he recalled that their getaway vehicle had been a Mustang. She had needed freedom back then too, and he had given it to her…he had shared it with her. That's all she was asking for now, wasn't it? She wanted freedom, not from him, but with his support and guidance. It still terrified him…but Zach was right, he had to let her out of the cage he had shoved her into.

"Do you remember the first time we danced to this song?" he asked.

"Mhmm; It was in North Carolina; you asked them to play it just for me," Johanna said softly as she looked up at him with a smile.

"That's right…I was fulfilling a dream you had, well sort of. You had mentioned that you had wanted to dance to this song at your senior year Valentine's Day dance but that you didn't get to go."

"It was a dream fulfilled," she answered. "A lot of things were on that trip…and there's something I never told you about that night when we were dancing to this song."

"What's that, sweetheart?"

"When we were dancing to this song that night…it was then that I knew…"

"Knew what?"

"That I was in love with you," she whispered as she caught his eye. "I almost told you…but I chickened out."

"Really?"

"Yes; we were just like we are now, only instead of a kitchen we were dancing in that little night club on the beach and it was such a sweet moment and I suddenly found myself thinking about how much I loved you…that I was in love with you. I almost told you, accidentally, but I covered it up by saying that I didn't want our trip to end. That was the same night I asked you if you had ever called any other girl sweetheart."

"I told you the truth," Jim answered; "You're my only sweetheart, Johanna; always have been…but I remember you asking me that; and I remember wondering what was on your mind that night."

"Now you know," she murmured, brushing a kiss against his lips. "I was thinking about you…about loving you."

"I love you too, you know."

"I know."

He was quiet for a moment as he tried to think of the right words to say, but he'd never been good with words in his opinion, at least outside of the courtroom. But he always tried…and he had a track record for screwing things up…but he also had the security of the knowledge that she always forgave him when the words didn't come out quite right.

"Jo," he began; her name a mere breath from his lips.

She looked at him expectantly as they continued to move slowly to the music, waiting and preparing herself for whatever was to come. "What is it?" she coaxed when he said no more.

"I…I've never been good with words; the things I know I need to say never seem to come easy at times. I guess you know that better than anyone. God knows I made you wait long enough to hear the words 'I love you'."

"It was worth waiting for…and I don't remember there ever being too many days that went by after that without hearing those words from you. I think you do just fine with words…if you didn't, we wouldn't have the relationship that we do."

That was true, he thought to himself. They had a good relationship; he felt that they communicated pretty well overall.

"The thought of you going out alone scares me," he admitted; but this time his tone was free from harshness as opposed to the night before.

"It scares me too."

"I know," he said quietly; "And I know that's a problem for both of us. I also know that I have to let you go…"

Johanna looked startled by those words, her eyes widening slightly. "What do you mean, let me go?" she asked.

Oh lord, he had used the wrong words, he could see a small amount of fear in her eyes. Maybe Zach was right; maybe Johanna did worry about losing him if she pushed too much.

"Nothing bad," he answered. "See, I knew I wouldn't do this right. I meant that I have to let go a little instead of clipping your wings. I've been thinking a lot tonight about that road trip we took back in 75…you needed to be free then too and I gave you what you needed…because I loved you and it was within my power to do it. I still love you and it's still within my power, so I have to give you what you need just like I always have. So if you think you're ready to go out on your own, then I'll support you…and I'll be here waiting on you to come home."

"I will come home," she said with gentle conviction as tears filled her eyes.

Jim nodded. "I know you will, sweetheart…but I still want you to be careful."

"I promise; I'll do everything that I said I would. I'll call when I get where I'm going and I'll call when I'm leaving. I'll always take the gun with me."

"And you'll keep the doors locked at all times," Jim added.

"Yes, the doors will be locked and the windows will be up."

"Good; and your phone stays on at all times."

"Absolutely."

"You'll call if you have any problems or if you're just feeling uneasy," he said.

Johanna nodded. "Of course; especially if I felt like something was wrong with the car…or otherwise."

Her husband was quiet for a moment and she wondered what other rule he was trying to come up with. Whatever it was, she'd willingly abide by it to ease his mind.

"And you'll be patient with me," Jim finally said quietly; "Because it's probably going to take me awhile to be…less afraid."

"I'm always patient with you; and it's okay, it's going to take me time to be less afraid too. I don't know when I'm going to go out in the car, Jim. Not tomorrow or the next day…but I just want to be ready for the day when I'm feeling brave enough."

"I know and that's good. I want you to feel better, sweetheart. I want you to be able to do all of things you always did. It'll just take a little time and a little more caution now but everything will be alright. If you're out and you need me, all you have to do is call and I'll come to you, no matter the reason, even if you think it's silly."

"Okay," she whispered.

"There's something else I want you to know, Johanna."

"What?"

He looked her in the eye. "I don't ever want you to be afraid to tell me that you need something. I can't promise that I won't get upset if it's something that's hard for me to hear, like this thing about the car but I don't want you to be afraid because of that. I don't want you to be afraid that you'll somehow lose me by asking me to give you what you need, because sweetheart, I'm not going anywhere…and I damn sure won't be asking you to go anywhere, so don't you ever worry about that. You and me, we're in this together, start to finish just like we always planned. Nothing has changed that."

A tear spilled down her cheek. "That's good to know," she murmured.

"You have worried about it, haven't you?"

"Yes…I worry about a lot of things," Johanna admitted softly.

"What else has you worried?" he asked as she tucked her head beneath his chin, wrapping her arms around him as she snuggled against him.

She was quiet for a long moment, debating to whether or not to bring up what she had mentioned to Kate.

"You can tell me, no matter what it is," he prodded. "Let's get it all out so you'll feel better."

"I worry about Adam Bracken and how he's always threatening to expose us. I mean, I know that I don't have anything to hide but…I have enemies, Jim; we both do; personally and professionally. People lie and twist things around; innocent things can be turned into something they're not. Things I said or did can be taken out of context. My whole career could go on display and maybe my methods and tactics will be ripped apart and made to be something they weren't. What about people who have an axe to grind? People who would say anything to make a quick buck and some gullible people believe them? I could be destroyed publicly, more than I already have been and you could get dragged into it too."

"I'm not worried about what they say about me."

"I am…I mean look at the paper today, he's already implying to people that were stereotypical crooked lawyers who buy off judges, and he's implying that I worked for the mob as their personal attorney and that isn't true. Pulgotti was the only person I know of that had mob ties. I…"

"Shhh," he soothed; "I know. I know what he said and what he was trying to imply. It's the tactic of a desperate man."

"But still…like I said, people believe anything whether it's true or not. They could bring you into it or you'll just end up being made to be guilty by association. What if we get dragged through the mud so much that people stop asking you to work on cases? What then?"

"Then I won't work for awhile," Jim replied. "It's nothing to get upset over."

"But you enjoy the work," Johanna said. "I don't want you to lose something you enjoy doing and you get paid for it…"

"Jo," he interrupted. "Surely you know that you don't need to be worrying about any possible loss of money. When we got back from Wyoming, I went over everything with you so you'd know where our finances stand just as you always knew. We always lived comfortably, Johanna, and we still are. We've made good investments through the years and we have savings. You brought money home from Wyoming and even with buying the car and taking care of those expenses, you didn't put a dent in that account. We have money put away for emergencies. We still have money tucked away for Katie's wedding whenever she decides to get married. We're doing fine; we're in no danger of needing to worry but I'll tell you something else. When you were away and I had to divide up your money; I gave Katie her half and I put the rest in a separate account. I was keeping it so our grandchildren would have something from you one day. The money is still there, it's been accumulating interest for thirteen years. I've only ever touched it once and that was to help Katie get back on her feet when she lost her apartment. I didn't want her wiping out her savings so I gave her enough to help her get resettled and to replace some things she lost."

"You did the right thing," Johanna replied. "I would've done the same…I'm just surprised that she took it."

"Well I didn't say that I didn't have to browbeat her; because I assure you that I did. I finally wore her down though and she took it…probably just to shut me up."

She gave a small laugh. "Where did she stay? Did she come home?"

"While the case was open she stayed at Rick's. When it was over, she mainly stayed here but she also stayed with Lanie sometimes. I figure those were days when she didn't want any questions about her day at work."

"That sounds like her."

"But the point is, if we'd ever be in a position where we needed it, that money is there but we'll be fine. If there had been any question about being able to live comfortably without worry, I wouldn't have retired last year. You know that the house is ours free and clear; the cars are paid off, we don't have any other loans. We have utility bills and a few credit cards. There's nothing for you to be worried about in that area."

"It's not really the money that worries me," she answered. "It's you losing something that you like doing."

"Sweetheart, it's true that I enjoy the work; sometimes I have a lot of it and sometimes I don't. If I don't have any for awhile at some point it won't bother me; and I think that the friends I do work for wouldn't give a second thought to the media and their garbage if they need or want me to do something for them. It's going to be fine."

"I worry about Katie too and what people might say about her. She has enemies too. What about people who knew her as a kid and won't hesitate to twist typical teenage behavior into something more? What if she did something stupid in college that we don't know about? I did stupid things that my parents didn't know about, I'm sure you did too. They could ruin her career and her reputation."

"Katie can take care of herself; she'll be fine."

"Don't give me that, she might be able to handle it but it would hurt her…and it I can't stand the thought of that," Johanna said; her voice cracking.

He held her tighter, his hand rubbing her back in hopes of soothing her. He couldn't stand the thought of either one of them being hurt during this witch hunt. It worried him just as much as it worried her but he couldn't tell her that. He had been thinking about it though and he had come up with the threads of an idea. Adam Bracken was right; his years in the legal field had afforded him connections and not just the ones he had alluded to. He had other contacts…one person in particular that owed him a favor. If Bracken's camp wanted to play hardball, well then, he'd be prepared to launch a defense because he wasn't going to let anyone get away with hurting his wife and daughter.

"Don't you worry," he told Johanna as she cried softly against his chest. "I'm not going to let anyone hurt you or Katie…I promise you that."

"You can't make promises like that," she cried; "No matter how sweet they are."

"I can," he said with gentle conviction that had her lifting her head to look at him. "You just trust me, sweetheart."

"Jim?" she said, her tone holding a note of question.

He smiled and captured her lips in a soft kiss. "No more worries for you tonight," he said quietly as he reached for her hand. "You're coming to bed with me now and we're going to forget all about it for awhile."

She wasn't sure what he had in mind in terms of protecting her and Kate but she knew he wouldn't share until he was ready. It wouldn't do any good to push the issue. She gave him a nod, holding on to his hand as he turned off the radio and then the lights before guiding her out of the kitchen. Somehow some of the weight had eased from her shoulders, she thought as she quietly climbed the stairs with him. Her worries weren't gone…but they never seemed as daunting when Jim was beside her.


	11. Chapter 11

_Authors Note: Thanks for your reviews; I'm so glad some of you decided to stick with me for this re-write/edit; it means the world to me. I know some of you are waiting on Reflections and The Visitors to be updated; I'm working on it. I feel secure in saying that half of the next chapter for Reflections is finished and the next chapter of The Visitors is started. I spent a month working on this story and it left me stuck in this story mode which made it a little hard to switch back since I put the other two completely on hold while I worked on Redemption. Real life has been busier than expected too, but I'll get them both updated as soon as possible, I promise._

Chapter 11- To Make You Feel My Love

 _'The storms are raging on the rolling sea and on the highway of regret, the winds of change are blowing wild and free' – Garth Brooks_

Early the next morning, Jim sat at the kitchen table, files and papers spread about and his pen and legal pad full of notes. His gaze however kept darting to his phone, hoping that his friend was still an early riser. He had a plan in mind and he'd like to meet with his friend and discuss it sooner rather than later…better yet, he'd like to have a meeting set before he left the house. If he knew he had something to do after he left the office, he could go ahead and tell Johanna that he'd be a little late coming home and she wouldn't think anything of it.

This had to work, it just had to…even if it took awhile to get the result he wanted, it just had to work. He should've thought of the idea sooner, maybe if he had he could've gotten ahead of things and his wife wouldn't be so weighted down with worry. He had to ease her burdens and make it easier for her to breathe. He not only owed it to his wife to do this, he owed it to his daughter too even though he was sure that she'd say that she could take care of herself. That was probably true…but she was still his child, no matter how old she was or who laid claim to her, and if he could find a way to turn things around for her and for Johanna, then he had to take a risk.

Jim's phone buzzed with a new message and he hurriedly grabbed it, his papers rustling as he disturbed them in his haste. It was the reply he had been waiting for. A smile touched his lips and a weight lifted from his shoulders as he read the message, taking note of the address and the time that his friend had given for their meeting that day. He tapped out a quick reply to let him know that the arrangement was acceptable and that he'd be there at the appointed time.

When he was finished, he sat the phone aside and allowed his gaze to drop back to his paperwork despite the fact that he no longer needed something to keep him busy while he waited. He closed his eyes, listening to the quietness of the house; the only thing to be heard was the ticking of the clock and the humming of the refrigerator. He liked this time of day; it gave a man time to think and he had been doing plenty of that since the night before. He breathed deeply; allowing his thoughts to whirl for a moment as he mentally reviewed his plan. He was so lost in thought that he didn't register the soft sound of footsteps that approached and then paused beside him.

"Are you okay?" Johanna asked softly; her fingers slipping into the hair at his temple and combing through it.

Jim opened his eyes and smiled at her, leaning back in his chair as his hand reached for her waist, pulling her closer in invitation. "I'm fine."

She took his hint and lifted her leg over his so she could straddle his lap. "You're up early," she murmured as she settled upon his legs. "The alarm hasn't even gone off yet. I thought maybe something was wrong."

"Nothing's wrong, sweetheart," he assured as her fingertips swept across his forehead and temple, a gesture of affection as well as a check for fever and illness.

"Are you sure?"

"I'm sure," he replied, his lips brushing hers. "I woke up early and couldn't get back to sleep. I figured I'd just do a little work until you got up...speaking of which, why are you up so early?"

"I rolled over and you weren't there. I waited a few minutes thinking that you'd be back but when you didn't show up I figured I better look for you."

His mouth grazed her jaw as he chuckled quietly. "So what you're really saying is that you got cold and rolled over only to discover that your personal heating system was missing."

"I guess you could say that," she replied. "But I'm better now that I've found it."

She seemed to be appeased with the answer he had given so Jim allowed it to stand without further comment as he studied her eyes which had lost the look of intense scrutiny and concern that had been present moments before. They had softened now, an edge of sleepiness still present that she hadn't fully shaken off but he also detected a small sparkle that spoke of less worry.

"How are you feeling this morning, sweetheart?"

"Better," she murmured.

Jim smiled, his hand moving to cradle her face. "I'm glad to hear that. You seemed to sleep better last night."

"I owe it all to you."

"How come?" he asked; his thumb caressing those few faint tiny little laugh lines at the corner of her eye that she seemed to fret so much about. He didn't know why they bothered her so much, you couldn't even see them unless you standing on top of her and had them pointed out for your notice.

"Because you made me feel better."

"Did I?" he asked; dragging his mouth against the strawberry scented skin that the neckline of her nightgown had left bare and her robe failed to conceal.

"Mhmm," she breathed, her toes curling against the cool linoleum at the sensation of his warm breath against her skin. "You let me tell you all of my worries and fears."

"You know I'm always willing to listen, Jo."

Her fingers caressed the line of his jaw as he kissed the base of her throat. "The massage was nice too," she whispered, a sensual note coloring her tone as she recalled the soothing way his hands had moved over her, working the knots from her muscles and easing the tension from her body. By the time he had finished she had been as relaxed and sleepy as a contended kitten and she had curled up in his arms and gone to sleep without any trouble.

"You liked that, did you?" Jim asked quietly, his hand following the bend of her knee and gliding upwards, his fingertips brushing against her thigh.

"You've always been good with your hands," Johanna remarked, a seductive gleam in her eye as she smiled.

He gave a quiet laugh. "I wish I had known sooner that you found massages such a turn on."

"I don't think you've ever had any trouble using your hands as a turn on," his wife said in a sultry whisper.

"That's good to know," he replied before bringing his mouth to the side of her neck, eliciting a sigh from her.

"You're also very good at that," she murmured; her tilting head slightly to give him better access.

"I'm a man of many talents."

"You won't get any argument from me."

"That is high praise indeed," Jim remarked.

Johanna laughed. "What do you want for breakfast?"

"I think I already have it," he answered, his hand slipping inside her robe.

"Besides me."

Her husband shook his head; his lips still trailing kisses against her neck. "Nothing on the menu compares to you, sweetheart."

She smiled and raked her fingers through his hair. "But that's not going to get you to work on time."

"Who said I wanted to be on time?"

Johanna laughed and he took joy in the musical sound as it landed against his ears. "You just want me to send you to work with a smile on your face."

He grinned. "I'm much nicer to the human race when you send me to work with a smile."

"Mhmm, sounds like excuses to me, Counselor."

"Excuses are part of my business," he quipped; "And if you want to continue to be a law abiding citizen, I suggest that you listen to your attorney."

Johanna's eyes danced with amusement. "I'll have you know that I listen to myself all the time."

He laughed and then captured her lips in a kiss. "Listen here, Sassy; we came to an agreement long ago that it wasn't professional to be ones own attorney; that's why I'm your lawyer and you're mine."

She nodded and did her best to hold a straight face. "Then I guess I better throw myself at your mercy."

"Now you're talking," he grinned.

"There's just one problem," his wife teased.

"What's that?"

"When I send you to work with a smile, all of your friends know why you're smiling and I take that as a breach of attorney client privilege."

Jim laughed. "Well I can't have you thinking I'm unethical. Maybe we should step into my office and discuss this matter further. Maybe we can reach a settlement."

"Which would be?" she questioned.

"I'll try to control myself with the tell tale smiling," he remarked.

"You really are incorrigible, Jim Beckett."

"My father told me that women like that," he stated.

"Is that right? And what other wisdom did Robert impart to you?"

Jim grinned. "He said to never give up the pleasures of life."

"Which would be?" she asked, although she had a feeling what the answer was.

"Baseball, sex and good food."

Johanna nodded. "Yeah, that sounds like Robert."

"Those weren't in any certain order by the way."

"Oh I'm sure I know which one comes first on your list," she replied; "And it doesn't have anything to do with a kitchen or a baseball diamond."

"Well, what can I say, he also told me that the men in our family never get tired of that part of life when we've found the right woman. He said it keeps us young."

"Obviously," she laughed before kissing him.

"And I guess I was right about you," Jim added.

"I should hope so, you married me."

"I didn't mean that, although of course that was the right decision and you're the right woman."

"Then what did you mean?"

"I remember that time before we were dating when your mother thought Frank was having an affair because he wasn't sleeping with her, and she then spilled the beans about your grandmother having a lover and you were just beside yourself with shock."

Johanna nodded. "Yeah; it's taken me nearly forty years to forget that; thank you for bringing it back."

"You didn't let me finish," he laughed. "I told you that day that apparently the sex drive in your family doesn't die and that you'd make your future husband very happy."

"I remember."

"Well...you're still interested and I'm thrilled."

Laughter tumbled from her lips. "Well then I guess you earned the right to say I told you so."

"I'd rather say it upstairs."

"You'll be late," she scolded halfheartedly.

Jim brushed a kiss against her lips. "I'm going to be late coming home too so you better take advantage of me now."

She frowned. "Why are you going to be late?"

"I have to take a few depositions late in the afternoon and you know how they can drag out."

Johanna nodded. "Try not to be too late...I miss you."

"I promise," he murmured; telling himself that he should be able to arrange things so that he wouldn't be more than an hour to an hour and a half longer than usual.

She rose from his lap and he felt bereft as she moved away from him. His hands followed her but she artfully dodged him, making him sigh. It seemed like he couldn't get enough of her at times...like they were still making up for lost time. The stillness of the house lent itself to the feeling of being alone in their own little world together and he was reluctant to leave it. He could make her happy there...he could make her smile and laugh and be the woman she always had been. He wanted her to be that way not only in their private moments but in her public moments as well. That's why he had put together his plan and had given her his promise that he would protect her. He was going to take care of things...he'd take care of her...there wasn't anything he wouldn't do to see to that.

"Are you coming?" his wife asked and he turned his head to see her standing in the doorway of the kitchen.

"Where?"

"If you have to ask, the deal is off and I'm making pancakes," she replied.

The smile returned to his lips and he rose from his chair, making his way to her in a few quick strides; "Now let's not be hasty," he told her; "After all, we have a very important discussion to have about attorney client privilege and that's something that shouldn't be brushed aside in the name of pancakes."

Johanna smiled at him. "I see why you were so successful in the courtroom...you can talk anybody into anything."

He hoped that was true, he thought as he took her hand and caught her lips in a sweet kiss.

* * *

Jim breathed deeply and basked in the quietness of their bedroom as the rays of morning sun pushed against the slats of the blinds, giving the room a golden glow. He pressed a kiss against Johanna's hair, drinking in the warmth of her skin against his as she laid against his chest. He didn't want to think of leaving that peaceful cocoon…leaving wasn't appealing at all, as he knew it wouldn't be, and yet he knew that soon he'd have no choice. "I'm going to be late," he murmured.

"I told you that before we started," his wife replied, her lips brushing against his chest.

He gave a quiet laugh. "You just had to say "I told you so" didn't you?"

Johanna lifted her head to look at him, a smile spreading across her face. "You'd think less of me if I didn't."

"Are you sure about that?" he teased.

"Mhmm," she replied before capturing his lips in a kiss. "You wouldn't want me any other way."

His fingers sunk into her tousled hair. "That's true."

Their kisses lingered, his hand caressing the smooth skin of her back as she shifted and moved over him. "I'm really going to be late," he murmured.

"It's all your fault," she whispered saucily as her lips moved over his ear.

"Guilty as charged," he remarked. "I don't regret it for a minute."

"Then you can be a little later than you are right now…can't you?"

"I want to be," he replied. "But I don't know if I can be."

Johanna smiled down at him; her green eyes sparkling with a mixture of amusement, teasing and seduction. "But you know you're going to be."

He grinned, his arms wrapping around her as he rolled her over. "Let's make it quick."

Her laughter rang out, musical and happy, unforced and full of lightness; it struck him in the heart, filling him with warmth as he brushed a strand of hair back from her face. "You know, that's one of the most beautiful sounds in the world, don't you?"

"What?"

"Your laugh," he murmured before kissing her. "I love your laugh."

Her fingertips grazed his chin. "You're going to be _so_ late for work," she whispered, guiding his lips back to hers for a passionate kiss.

"Totally worth it," he breathed. "You're always worth it."

* * *

"I don't want you to go," Johanna murmured awhile later as Jim glanced at the clock. "I just want us to stay here like this."

"Me too," Jim replied. "I wish I didn't have to go…but I do."

"I know," she sighed.

"Believe me, sweetheart; if I didn't have to go to work, we'd just stay right here all day."

She smiled. "Sounds wonderful…too bad we didn't pick the right morning."

"Is it still all my fault?" he asked lightly.

"Yes."

"I think you're going to have to take some of the blame…it was your idea for me to be even later," he remarked.

"Well that's what happens when you start things…this is why you shouldn't start things on a work day."

"That never stopped us before," he laughed. "That's why we had some exciting lunch breaks."

A blush stained her cheeks. "I remember."

"You're adorable when you blush," Jim said, pressing a kiss to her lips.

"See it's sweet things like that that make me want to hold you hostage," she laughed.

"I'm more than willing to be your hostage; please, go ahead, hold me prisoner."

"And what do I tell people when they call and ask where you are?"

"Tell them the truth; you couldn't keep your hot little hands off of me."

Johanna swatted him. "I think that was the other way around when this started."

"Can you prove it?"

"No," she smirked.

"Then what we have here is a he said, she said situation and you know it's very hard to get a conviction in a case like that without evidence."

"Mhmm; get up, go to work," she said, giving him a playful nudge.

"I see how it is," Jim laughed. "You're losing the case so you're throwing me out."

"That's right; don't get back in my bed until you're ready to talk settlements."

"God, I wish I didn't have to go to work," he remarked as he sat up and scooped their clothes up from the floor, tossing her nightgown to her as she laughed.

"Well maybe next time you'll pick a better morning to start something at breakfast," she quipped as she pulled her nightgown on.

"It's not my fault; I can't be held accountable when you come to the table looking incredibly desirable in the morning…and the afternoon…and evening…really I don't know a time when you aren't desirable; which takes the blame off me completely."

She cut him a sly look. "You keep up those sweet talking ways of yours and you're so not leaving this house today."

He grinned as he pulled on his pants and got up from the bed. "I do love when you're feisty, sweetheart…I'm going to hate my job all day because it's keeping me away from you."

"Good…and don't forget that you mentioned you were going to be late coming home."

"You can punish me for that crime later, sweetheart," he teased.

"I'll spend my day thinking up ways to inflict that punishment," she remarked as she got out of bed. "Go get your shower; I'll get your clothes ready for you."

"Such a good wife," he quipped as he moved toward the door.

"Don't you forget it!" she called after him with a laugh.

"Never, sweetheart; you're the best."

She smiled as he looked back at her. "I think I'll keep you around too."

"Like I was giving you a choice," Jim replied playfully before leaving the room.

Johanna felt her heart flutter, the smile stubbornly clinging to her lips as she moved to the closet to select a suit for him to wear; how she loved that man…how she wished they could stay in their bubble for the rest of the day; she sighed…maybe they could recreate the moment over the weekend when they'd be free to stay home.

* * *

"Let me do it," Johanna said as she brushed Jim's fingers away from his tie.

"Go for it," he hold her, his lips grazing her forehead as she took on the task, her nimble fingers taking hold of the tie she had chosen for him.

She completed the task with ease, fussing with it to make sure it was straight and neat before she picked up his suit jacket and handed it to him. His phone rang as he slipped into it and she couldn't help but laugh. "Uh oh, they must've noticed that you didn't show up yet."

He smirked as he grabbed his phone from the dresser. "You're right, that's Jeff."

"Ah, our resident mood killer," she teased as she smoothed her hands over his jacket.

"I'm telling him you said that."

"I'll deny it…and he'll believe me over you."

He gave her a gentle swat against her backside before he finally accepted the call. "Hello."

"Jim; where the hell are you?" Jeff asked. "You should've been here an hour ago."

"I…uh, overslept," Jim answered as he held his wife's gaze, watching the smirk slide across her lips.

"Overslept?" his best friend questioned. "Sassy didn't wake you?"

"Oh she woke me," he replied; a suggestive note in his voice.

Johanna's eyes widened as she smacked his arm. "Shut up!" she exclaimed in a hushed whisper.

"Ouch," Jim laughed as Jeff chuckled on the other end of the line; hearing Johanna's comment despite her efforts. "No further questions," he said. "I understand…but are you coming in at all or are you staying home and calling in 'sick' so you can keep that tender loving care coming?"

"I'll be leaving here in a few minutes," Jim assured, his arm sliding around Johanna's waist as she gave him a playful glare.

"Alright, tell Sassy not to worry; I won't tell the world that she's to blame for your lateness."

"She appreciates that," he laughed; "See you in a little while."

"Your smugness, Mr. Beckett," Johanna stated as she put a hand on her hip.

"I know, it's incredibly sexy and a complete turn on for you, but sweetheart, I really have to go this time."

"Jackass," she quipped lightly.

"You wouldn't want me any other way," he answered before stealing a kiss.

A saucy grin spread across her lips. "I could say something about that and make you even later for work but I think I'll punish you by keeping it to myself."

He cupped her face and gave her a searing kiss. "That's alright, sweetheart; I like your evil ways."

She gave him a playful shove. "Go to work!"

"Come downstairs and lock the door," he told her with a loving laugh. "I'll see you later."

"I better…I'll miss you."

"I love you," he told her quietly; his eyes full of love and affection as his mind silently reminded him about his meeting with Leo later that day.

"I love you too…try not to be too late, okay?"

"I promise," Jim replied sincerely. "I never want to be away from you for longer than I have to be."

Johanna smiled. "Have a good day, honey."

He gave a nod and took her hand, tugging her along with him as he forced himself to break the magic of their bubble in order to go to work.

* * *

Late that afternoon, Jim walked down the third floor hallway of an apartment building that had seen its hey day in the 1940's. The old fashioned wallpaper was faded and yet holding up well despite its age, with the exception of a few tears and the crayon marks of mischievous children. The carpet was just as faded, it's original color no longer discernable but he thought that it must've been a reddish gold at one time. Every inch of the building seemed to proclaim the fact that it was tired…he was tired too but in a different way. He was tired of being idle, tired of not having some say or a way of stopping things. He was tired of being on the sidelines. He had a family that needed taken care and he was going to make damn sure that he found some way to keep Johanna and Katie safe…or at the very least, that he'd have something to use to strike back with if the war got too out of hand.

He hoped no one had followed him after he had left the office. He'd kept an eye out for anyone tailing him; he'd even gone out of his way and circled back to get to his destination. He hadn't seen anyone but that didn't mean anything...and chances were he was just being paranoid and overly cautious. Jim finally found the door bearing a dull gold 39 and he took a breath before he knocked, his gaze searching the hallway just in case. It wasn't a crime to visit an old friend…but he couldn't afford for anyone to find out who his friend was and what he did for a living. That's why he had taken so many precautions; if this was to work, it had to be carried out carefully. They couldn't meet at the house or in public; they couldn't even be seen together at the law firm or his friend's office. This tired looking apartment building worked just fine though…being that it was Leo's home anyway.

The door of the apartment cracked open and Leo Donavan peered out at him. "Jim," he smiled; pulling the door open wider. "It's been a long time."

"It has," he agreed with a smile of his own as he shook Leo's hand. His friend's jet black hair was showing signs of grey but otherwise he appeared to be the same. Leo Donavan was the best private investigator in the business in Jim's opinion. He had done work for everyone from former Mayors down to ordinary citizens who could afford his payment plan. He also specialized in lending a hand to busy lawyers who needed help chasing down leads and evidence. He and Leo had gone to school together and got back in touch in the early days of his law career. He had hired his friend many times to do work for him and he could honestly say that Leo had never let him down.

His eyes took in the décor of the small apartment as Leo opened the door wider and waved him in. A black leather sofa and arm chair occupied the living room with a pair of cherry wood end stands and a coffee table. ESPN played quietly on a large flat screen television on the wall. It was a far cry from Leo's posh office space in midtown but he appreciated the privacy that the man's home provided.

"I was surprised when you called," his old friend said as he gestured for him to take a seat at the wooden table which sat at the far end of the living room, near the painfully small kitchen area. "I thought you retired."

"I did retire from the courtroom," Jim answered; "But I still work on cases for former colleagues when they need an extra hand. I was surprised to find you here…you were on Park Ave several years ago."

Leo laughed. "Well, what can I say; when wife number two left me, she took most of my money with her…and she gets most of the rest in spousal support and child support. I had to downgrade…she's still on Park Ave though."

"I guess so," he laughed. "But I thought all of your kids would be grown by now; why are you still paying child support?"

"My youngest just started his senior year of high school and then I'll be finished with the child support checks…but then there's still the checks for tuition so it's not like I'm getting off the hook at all."

"I'm glad we only had Katie; the checks for her tuition were painful enough."

His friend grinned and walked a short distance to the refrigerator and pulled out a can of beer. "Do you want a drink?" he asked.

"No," Jim said with a shake of his head. "I don't drink anymore...it got to be a problem."

Leo nodded. "I'm sorry, Jim; I forgot about that."

"It's alright," he assured. "I've learned to live with it. You can have a drink though if you want it, it won't bother me."

The other man shook his head and grabbed two Coke's instead. "No; honestly I need to kick that habit myself. It's one of the smaller reasons my wife is on Park Ave without me."

"That stuff gets you into trouble," Jim agreed as he accepted his soda and popped the tab.

"You're not lying about that. I've been seeing your wife in the paper a lot lately…that was surprising to say the least."

"Tell me about it."

"I always take news stories with a grain of salt, Jim; do you mind telling me what the hell happened?" he asked as he sat down at the table.

He shook his head. "I don't mind telling you," he said before giving Leo the run down of the facts about the case and Johanna's return.

Leo leaned back in his chair. "You never hesitated, did you?"

"Hesitate about what?"

"Taking her back."

Jim shook his head. "No; she didn't leave me because she wanted to, she had no other choice. She loves me and I love her and I don't care what people think, I was never going to send her back to where she came from. She belongs with me."

"I wasn't judging you, nor do I blame you. I know you love Johanna. It's a hell of a mess she gotten into though, I wish she had called me when she was working on that case; maybe I could've done something somehow to keep that from happening. I wouldn't have been above blackmailing someone to keep her safe for you."

"I wish that could've been an option but none of that can be changed now."

"I know; the important thing is that she's home now. You said on the phone that you had something you needed to discuss. Do you have a case for me to work on?"

"Sort of," Jim replied before taking a sip of his soda.

"Sort of?" Leo asked; his dark brow furrowing.

"You owe me a favor, Leo; and I'm here to collect it."

"Favor?"

Jim nodded. "You remember, I got you out of that legal trouble…and since business was bad because of it, I told you that you didn't have to pay me, that you could just owe me one."

"Ah, yes, I remember now. You sure do wait a long time to collect favors, Jim."

"I like to make sure I'm getting a good deal."

"So I'm taking it that you need me to do some snooping for you; who is it and what do you want to know?"

Jim took another drink of his soda before answering, giving Leo time to anticipate what his new job might be. "Adam Bracken," he finally stated.

Leo's hazel eyes widened. "Are you crazy? Adam Bracken? State Assemblyman Adam Bracken; little brother of murdering bastard William Bracken…currently setting behind bars for almost killing your wife and daughter?"

"That's the one."

"What do you want me to do?"

"I want to know every skeleton in Adam Bracken's closet," Jim answered as leaned forward. "I want to know every dirty little secret he has because there's no way in hell that he's clean. I want to know how he got that seat in the State Assembly; I want to know if he's unfaithful to his wife; I want to know what pies he has his fingers in. I want to know if he's cheating on his taxes, if he's got any illegitimate children. I want to know if he cheated on his exams at school, if he was suspended, if he's got any little illegal syndicates of his own. I want to know it all."

"That's a tall order, Jim."

"You've had taller."

"He's a big man…even bigger now that he's big brother's strongest advocate."

"You've taken down bigger. You're the best in the business, Leo; that's why you were living on Park Ave. All the big wigs come to you when they need a private investigator and I know that I'm not the only lawyer that you worked for. This is a delicate case, and those are your specialties. I'm not saying I need all of the information right away; you can carry it out in whatever way you feel best. I know that you're cautious and discreet and that you do the job well. If there's something to be found, I know you'll find it; you always do."

"Why do you want me to do this?" Leo asked.

"If you've been seeing my wife in the paper; then you've been seeing Adam Bracken as well…you've read his comments?"

Leo nodded and Jim went on. "He keeps threatening to expose Johanna and Katie; hell, he's even implied that we'd pay off the judge for Bracken's trial. Jo and Katie don't have anything to hide…but my wife made a good point the other night. Things can be twisted and taken out of context…lies can be invented and made to look true. I can't let that son of a bitch destroy them more than his brother already has. I know that this has to be handled right…that no matter how long it takes you to find something that I can't go running with it too quickly. I have to let him do what he has to do…to an extent. I want to be ready for him though, especially if he goes too far."

"And when you feel that he's gone too far or just that it's gone on too long, then what?"

Jim eyed his friend seriously. "Then I take him down with whatever you've found…because there has to be something somewhere. He's just as vile as his brother. If there's one cockroach in the family, there's bound to be two."

"You've got a point there," Leo replied as he picked up his soda. "It would be best though if the take down comes in a way that can't directly relate back to you. If I find something and you give me the word to release it, I have some buddies in the newspaper and television journalism industry that are always hungry for a scoop…his dirty laundry would be aired in a matter of minutes."

Jim smiled. "That's what I wanted to hear."

The investigator was quiet for a moment as he brushed away condensation drops from his can of Coke that was currently leaving yet another ring on his table. "Are you sure you want to do this, Jim?"

He nodded. "I have to do this…it's for Jo and Katie. I didn't get a chance to protect Johanna the last time but I'm damn sure going to protect her this time. I'm not going to stand idly by and allow someone to sully my daughter's name either without at least trying to retaliate. If it was about me, I'd let it go; if it was about anything else, I wouldn't be here…but it's my wife and my daughter and I can't just do nothing. I promised Johanna that I wouldn't let anyone hurt her again…I promised her, Leo. I'm not going to fail her this time."

"You didn't fail her the last time; you weren't given an opportunity then."

"But I have one now; and I know I'm calling in an old favor, Leo; but I'm still going to pay you for your time. I'm not asking you to do this for free. I'm just asking you to help me vanquish a monster that insists on plaguing my girls."

Leo smiled slightly. "It's hard to believe that your little Katie is all grown up."

"I know what you mean…one day she was a tiny pink bundle in my arms and the next she was grown."

His friend nodded. "I still think of her as that little slip of a girl I saw that time you had me drop some things off to Johanna while you were in court. She was home with Katie because she had just had her tonsils out; you had me pick up a carton of strawberry ice cream for her too since I was stopping by. She stuck to her mother's side like a little shadow. How old was she then, about eight?"

"Nine," Jim answered.

"How old is she now?"

"She'll be 33 in November."

"Christ," Leo muttered; "We're getting old."

"Speak for yourself," Jim said with a grin.

The other man smirked at him. "Spoken like a man who gets to crawl in bed with a beautiful woman every night. She does still look gorgeous in those news photos; how did you ever get her to marry you anyway?"

He laughed. "I guess I was just lucky…but don't go thinking I wasn't willing to beg her, because I was."

"I don't doubt it for a minute and who could blame you."

"She is still gorgeous," Jim agreed; "Not that I ever thought she wouldn't be. She's got good genes and she's aging gracefully…and apparently slowly, much to her delight."

"She's a good woman," Leo stated; "Always was…she doesn't deserve this and neither does Katie, who is also gorgeous by the way."

"Of course she is, she looks like her mother."

"Except Johanna doesn't carry a gun."

"Think again."

"Well in light of things, it's probably best that Johanna does carry a gun but I'm still surprised every time I read the words Detective Kate Beckett."

"I know; but she seems happy with her choice. Of course that doesn't mean that I'm overly fond of it…I'm surprised that I don't have ulcers from worrying about her but I guess I've gotten used to it."

"She climbed up the ranks pretty fast in the NYPD."

"Youngest woman to make detective," Jim said proudly. "When she gets something in her head, she doesn't let it go."

"Kind of like her old man," Leo laughed.

He chuckled lightly. "Trust me, she's more her mother than me."

"Speaking of Johanna, when you made this promise to her, did you tell her what you had in mind? Does she know that you're here?"

"Hell no I didn't tell her."

"Why not?"

"I don't want to get her hopes up and I also don't want to add to her worry. She's got enough on her mind right now. This one is for me to shoulder."

His friend looked at him with a mixture of amusement and seriousness. "You have to be careful keeping secrets from the wife…that's how I ended up divorced the first time…and a little bit of why I ended up divorced the second time…and they were docile women. You have that little Italian spitfire at home waiting on you."

Jim laughed. "Don't forget the Irish part of her heritage."

The other man gave a low whistle. "There's nothing like a feisty woman."

"They keep things interesting and spicy, that's for sure," he remarked with a grin. "Maybe you can get you one as wife number three."

Leo scoffed. "Wife number three, are you crazy? If I took on another wife I'd have to get a second job just to afford it. No more marriages for me, buddy. I'm done with that business…it hasn't proven lucrative for me…unless you count the children."

"You have to count the children…if only so they don't get offended."

"I guess that's true…and I do love them, even if their mothers are bleeding me dry."

Jim laughed quietly and then turned serious. "Are you going to do this for me, Leo?"

The investigator nodded. "Of course I am, Jim. The word no never crossed my mind; I just want to make sure that it's what you want to do."

Jim held his gaze. "It's what I want."

"You do know that a job like this could take more than a few weeks, right? I have to be careful that I don't set off any alarm bells."

"I know."

"I have to do some background research and I have to stake out possible contacts and weak links that might be good for giving information. I'll have to dig, and I don't know how deep I'll have to go; it'll depend on how well he's hidden his misdeeds. It's going to take time; it's going to be slow moving…it has to be that way to keep all of our asses covered."

"I understand all of that, Leo. I came here knowing there wouldn't be instant results."

Leo nodded as he eyed him seriously. "And you know that if Adam Bracken is out for blood in the public sense that things could get bad for Johanna before we have something to use to strike back with."

Jim gripped his can of soda, feeling the last vestiges of coolness against his palm as his heart twisted. He hated the thought of that but he knew it was the truth. "I do realize that…and I hate it but even if I have to wait weeks or months later, at least there will be retaliation…a comeuppance he'll be badly in need of to look forward to."

"And you have to be prepared that there could be nothing…or that he's hidden it well enough to keep it from being found."

"I know that's a possibility…but there just has to be something. Something that can at least hurt him even if it doesn't topple him. Although toppling him would be ideal."

"That's my aim too," Leo confirmed; "And if there's something to be found, I'll do whatever I can to make it happen."

"I know you will," Jim stated sincerely. "That's why I'm here. I want to make it happen…I want to do this."

Leo smiled as he picked up his soda and saluted him with it. "Then we'll nail the little bastard."

"Those are the words I wanted to hear," he admitted.

"I'll get started on it right away; this case will be my priority."

"Let me know what I owe you every few weeks," Jim told him.

Leo waved a hand. "I owe you one; I'm not worried about being paid…I like the challenge of this one. This is a case I can get my teeth into, because if there's one thing I hate, it's a man that likes to publicly torment and humiliate a woman. I don't go for that…especially when it's a lady I know; one that never caused harm to anyone in her life. He's not going to get away with it if I can help it."

Jim smiled, feeling some weight easing from his shoulders. "Thank you."

"That's what friends are for," Leo remarked. "I'll keep you updated as often as possible."

* * *

Jim had been lingering at Leo's, caught up in conversation about old times and people they knew when his phone rang. He took it from his pocket, a small smile touching his lips as he glimpsed Johanna's face on the screen. "It's Jo," he told Leo before accepting the call.

"Hey, sweetheart; are you missing me?" he asked lightly.

"I always do," Johanna replied. "Do you know when you'll be home?"

A little tremor of worry always shot through him when she asked that question even if it was a viable one…but he always feared that something was wrong and that he wouldn't get back to her in time. "I'll be on my way in a few minutes; is something wrong?"

"No; nothing's wrong. I was thinking about ordering a pizza for dinner but I wanted to wait until you'd be on your way so it wouldn't be cold by the time you got here."

His worry subsided and he relaxed. "Feeling lazy, are you?" he teased.

She laughed softly. "Maybe a little, but the main reason is that I just have a craving for pizza."

Jim glanced at his watch, realizing that it was already past their usual dinner time. "How about you tell me what you want and I'll just pick it up on my way home."

"That works."

"Let me get a piece of paper," he told her as he searched his pockets for a scrap to write on. Leo grabbed a tablet that was resting on the vacant chair and pushed it across the table to him along with a pen. "Go ahead, I'm ready."

He wrote down her order and then promised that he was leaving as soon as he hung up. After disconnecting the call, he laid his phone down and tore the piece of paper from the tablet and shoved it into his pocket.

Leo reached for his phone to look at the picture of Johanna that he had set as the background. He had clicked the picture during a moment when she had been laughing, her face radiant with happiness as she had back a stray lock of hair. It was one of his favorites so far.

His friend smiled. "She looks a lot happier in this picture than the ones I've been seeing everywhere else."

Jim nodded. "It's easier for her to be happy at home…I just have to work on making it easy for her to be happy outside of the house."

"We'll take care of it," Leo promised as he handed his phone back. "Now get out of here and go feed your wife; she's probably hungry from waiting on you. I'd tell you to give her my regards but since she doesn't know about your visit, I guess you can't."

"Of course I can; I'll just tell her I ran into you at the pizza place."

His friend grinned. "In that case tell her I said hello and that I'm still in shock that she got you to marry her."

He gave a quiet laugh and then shook his friend's hand. "I'll tell her. Thanks, Leo."

"Don't thank me until I have good news…and believe me, I'll do everything I can to make sure any news I have is good."

* * *

Jim walked through the back door and into the kitchen sooner than he had thought he would but thankfully the pizza place hadn't been crowded.

"Hi, honey," Johanna said as she turned away from the cupboard, their plates in her hand. "Did you get everything?"

"I got it," he replied as he sat the pizza box down on the table and the bag containing the rest of their order beside it.

"You don't mind having pizza, do you?" she asked, sitting the plates on the table; "I guess I probably should've asked that."

He smiled and pulled her into his arms for a kiss. "I don't mind at all, sweetheart; in fact it sounded pretty good to me too. I like for you to take a night off from kitchen duty once in awhile."

She smiled up at him. "You seem to be happy; you must've had a good day."

Jim nuzzled her hair. "Well I did have a great morning…and then I had a productive day at work and now I'm back home with you. What's not to be happy about?"

"Well I guess when you put it that way, you're right," she teased and then she slipped out of his embrace to grab her buzzing phone from the counter.

Jim saw her scan the message on her phone and he was sure he saw her breath a sigh of relief. "Is everything alright?" he asked.

"Yeah, that was Katie. I hadn't heard form her all day…I started worry and gave in and sent her a message around three. She says she's fine, just busy."

He nodded. "She falls off the radar once in awhile for a day or two; she always gets in contact before too long."

Johanna made herself busy opening up the pizza box. "I think it's the first time I haven't heard from her all day…I guess it just…you know."

"I know," he said as he rubbed a hand against her back. "But don't worry; she's okay."

"I'll get used to it," she said as she brought a smile back to her lips. "Let's sit down and eat, you can tell me about this productive day of yours."

Jim took off his coat and settled into his chair, fully intending to tell her all about work and he'd throw in a mention of running into Leo as he had promised. But he'd keep his secret…she couldn't know right now; but hopefully one day soon, he'd be able to tell her that he had kept his promise.

* * *

Johanna felt restless that evening as she sat her desk in the office. She frowned at her open laptop, the shoe sale she had been browsing online hadn't been impressive nor had it inspired her to pull her wallet out of her purse to find her credit card…and she'd been ready to do so, she mused as she glanced to the corner of her desk where she had placed her purse in anticipation. How she hated to be disappointed when it came to shoe sales…and really, didn't she have enough disappointment in her life at the moment? She sighed and exited the webpage and leaned back in her chair. Perhaps it wasn't the lack of cute shoes that bothered her so much; maybe it was that restless feeling she could feel kicking beneath her skin.

A glance across the room at Jim brought a small smile to her lips; his laptop was open, papers strewn across the desk and his brow furrowed in concentration. That look always enticed her for some reason…always gave her the urge to creep up on him and smooth her fingertips along his brow and ease the look…distract him and tease him, make him smile, steal his attention. The desire to act on the impulse was strong…after all, she had distracted him from his work many times before…and had been chastened for it the following morning when he'd get up an hour earlier to finish whatever she had taken his attention from…but the effect of his speech was always ruined by the gleam of amusement in his eyes, a hint of a sly smile that would cling to his lips…the fact that he'd get her back by doing the exact same thing to her. Yes; it was a strong desire; her fingers itching to brush across his brow, to recapture the romance of that morning…but she held back. The case he was working on was difficult from what she knew of it and she wouldn't add to the roadblocks he had encountered by distracting him…no matter how appealing it was.

A soft sigh stole across Johanna's lips, her gaze returning to her computer; she was still at loose ends though, that restlessness still coursing through her veins. She found herself wishing that they had gone out to dinner instead of Jim picking up the pizza on the way home…maybe even gone to another movie…and she couldn't help but think that the thought held a certain amount of desperation given her reluctance to venture out in the evenings. She breathed deeply; she had been cooped up since buying the car and going to the market…she needed to get out for awhile. The feeling reminded her of a similar sentiment expressed by Sarah McKenzie in her diary. Her grandmother had been stuck inside for three days due to a blizzard and Sarah had likened herself to a songbird plucked from the wild and shoved into a gilded cage near a window. She sighed once more; she wasn't sure that she felt caged; she enjoyed being in her home…especially since she had been parted from it for so long, but she needed to get out a little while it was peaceful; she needed to breathe fresh air for longer than it took to get to the mailbox.

Johanna's gaze drifted away from screen of her laptop and landed on her car keys that were lying on the corner of her desk; they'd been lying in the spot ever since Jim had given them back to her. She hadn't even taken them off the car lot key ring yet. The thought of her little red Mustang in the driveway intensified the need to go out; after all, why did she have a car if she didn't drive it? Butterflies flapped in her stomach and her gaze darted toward Jim in fear that he'd hear the beating of their wings. That urge to roam was clearly the urge to go out by herself…and while that had been her goal with her car purchase, she wasn't sure she was ready just yet. But then again, maybe she was…but where would she go, what would she do? She wasn't ready to go far…wherever she went; she didn't want it to be too far from home. Her phone buzzed with a text and she reached for it, figuring that perhaps her daughter was checking in one more time in an attempt to soothe her nerves from earlier in the day when she hadn't heard from her, but the message wasn't from Katie; it was Valerie and a smile touched her lips as she opened the message.

" _Your brother is driving me crazy; wouldn't you like for him to come stay with you for awhile?"_

Johanna smothered a laugh and typed her response. _"No thanks, we don't live together peacefully. What's he done that you'd inflict him upon me when I already did my years of suffering with him under the same roof?"_

" _He's still having those lapses about picking up after himself…and annoying me when I'm trying to read."_

She smiled. _"He's definitely not staying with me in that case."_

" _It was worth a shot…he's yelling for me from the kitchen…how much you want to bet that he can't find the newspaper again?"_

" _Could be worse; he could be Dad; he used to stand in the kitchen and yell for Mom to come make him a sandwich instead of doing it himself."_

" _Frankie tried that once…he didn't like the outcome."_

 _Johanna grinned. "Good for you!"_

" _He's bellowing again; I guess I have to go in there."_

" _I have a guest room if you want to run away,"_ she replied.

" _I'm keeping that in mind,"_ her sister-in-law responded before adding that they'd chat more later. Johanna laid her phone aside and her gaze darted to her keys again…she could go visit Valerie…that would be nice; she loved spending time with her sister-in-law. A quiet girls day with Valerie could be just the thing she needed and it wasn't far from home; a short drive in a quiet area…she could handle that, couldn't she? She was sure she could…but what about Jim? He'd worry; he'd be afraid…she was afraid too…and yet she knew that the only way to overcome both of their fears was to face it. She didn't want him to be angry though…she didn't want her need for a little independence to come between them and create a rift. He had forgiven her for buying the car…but that might be because she hadn't driven it since she drove him around the block on his orders to park it in the driveway. She hated to worry him…hated to risk his anger too. She didn't like to admit it, even to herself, but there was a part of her that feared his anger…feared that one day she'd make him angry enough to change his mind and she'd lose him all over again after having the taste of their second chance. She wasn't sure she could handle that…and yet she knew no other way to keep moving forward. He was always assuring her that he'd never leave her…the majority of her brain believed him…that other small percentage worried and wondered. The butterflies in her stomach seemed to morph into a large knot; she didn't like to try his patience or his limits…and she didn't know how many more times he'd forgive her…but she supposed she was going to have to take the risk; she had started the ball rolling with the purchase of the car; she had to see it through.

Johanna reached for her purse and pulled out her house keys, her thumb rubbing across the smooth red fake gemstone of the heart keychain attached to them. A small smile touched her lips, Jim had bought her that keychain at one of the department stores they had gone in during the shopping outing he had taken her on a few weeks before. She had spotted it and commented that she liked it and he had insisted on buying it for her…despite her telling him that it had probably been marketed for teenagers…but sweet, wonderful man that he was, he had brushed back a lock of her hair and told her that he was sure the spirit of her heart wasn't a day over eighteen. Her gaze lifted and sought out her husband across the room as she heard his voice but she found that his phone was to his ear and his eyes were upon his planner. She allowed his conversation to fade into the background and refocused her attention on her own thoughts as she opened her desk drawer in search of a nail file to open the ring of the key chain so that she could put her car key on it. The task was quickly completed but as she tried to release the keys from the car lot key ring, her teeth sunk into her bottom lip and she found herself mentally cursing the object; it figured that it had been going too smoothly.

She wasn't sure how long she had fussed with the keys but she had been so engrossed in the task that she hadn't registered Jim's footsteps as he crossed the room, nor did she notice his presence at her side until he gently took the keys from her hand and pried the key ring open, slipping off the two keys it held with ease. He then picked up her keychain and slid one key onto it along with her house keys and closed it for her. "There you go, sweetheart," he said as he held out them out to her.

"Thank you," she said softly, giving him a smile. "I'm glad you still like to rescue damsels in distress."

"Only if they're you," he said with a grin as he held her spare care key out to her.

"You keep it," she told him. "You should put it on with your keys just in case I'd lose mine."

"Okay," Jim replied. "I'll get another copy made to leave here at the house."

"Good idea," Johanna remarked, the thought suddenly occurring to her that when he had given her new copies of the house keys, he hadn't given her a key to his car…and she had always had a key to his car in the past. It probably should've been a hint that he didn't want her driving but she had missed the subtle clue and she frowned as she looked at her keys. It shouldn't matter that she didn't have a key to his car; it might not have been intentional…but the thought that it could've been stung a little and she almost didn't notice Jim moving away from her desk. "Where are you going?" she asked as he headed for the door.

"To get my keys so I can put your car key on with them before it ends up in my pocket and goes through the laundry."

"You know I check your pockets," she quipped.

He shot her a grin from over his shoulder. "What have you collected from them so far?"

"Gum wrappers, receipts, and five dollars and thirty eight cents," she answered.

"Buy yourself something pretty with that five dollars," he said as he stepped across the threshold of the room and into the hallway.

"I intend to," she called after him.

A few minutes later, Jim returned to the room and approached her desk once more. "Give me your keys," he said.

"Why?" Johanna asked as she took them from her purse once again.

Jim pulled his spare car key from his pocket. "Because you should have a key to my car…which is really 'our' car. I'm sorry I didn't give it to you sooner."

"That's alright," she replied as he worked the key onto her key ring. "As long as I have a house key, I don't worry about the rest."

Jim met her gaze. "Was there really ever any doubt that you'd have a key to the house again?"

She nodded reluctantly. "Yeah…there were times when I didn't think I would."

"Why?"

"Some of those times were when were fighting while I was staying with Katie…others were when I first came home to New York…and when I first moved in with Katie…it was awhile before you told me I'd be allowed to come home…you know that; we talked about it that one time when you asked me my plans for when I'd be leaving Katie's."

"I never meant to give you doubts, Jo," he said quietly and sincerely. "I guess I just thought some part of you would know that coming home was a given."

"It's okay; you didn't owe me anything, Jim. I hoped…but I knew that those hopes could be dashed at any moment."

"You don't still think those things, do you?"

Johanna shifted in her seat a bit as she shrugged. "It's probably going to be awhile before I stop worrying completely."

Jim leaned down and caught her lips in a soft kiss. "There's nothing that we can't get through, sweetheart…we might have hard times once in awhile but we get through it; there's no need to worry."

"Most of my brain knows that," she murmured, her fingertips brushing against the line of his jaw before he straightened once more. "But you know there's always been that annoying part that likes to nag me once in awhile."

He smiled. "We'll work on it."

She gave a nod, a small smile of her own tipping her lips upwards, a feeling of needing to change the subject rising within her. "How's your work going?"

He sighed. "This one is a pain in the ass, as I'm sure I've probably told you a hundred times."

"I don't mind," she laughed. "You'll get through it, you always do."

"I know. I might not have to work tomorrow; that was Craig on the phone; some of the interviews I was supposed to might get pushed back. He's going to call back in a little while and let me know what's going on."

"Well maybe a day off would be good for you; it might give you some extra time to sort things out in your jumble of papers over there," she remarked; the thought coming to mind that it could be good for her too.

"That's true; and I'd get to stay home with you…I know you get lonely, despite what you claim."

She smiled. "I'm okay; although I do enjoy having you home with me," she told him; thinking to herself that if her husband was home tomorrow, she could just ask him to take her somewhere to satisfy that urge to get out…but a little voice in the back of her mind screamed at her that it wasn't what she needed. She needed to go alone…she needed to stick with that idea of visiting Valerie and maybe it would be best if she did it on a day that Jim was home, that way his worries wouldn't interfere with his work.

"I enjoy being home with you too," Jim replied, pulling her from her thoughts.

"I'm glad," Johanna murmured, her thoughts drifting once again as she contemplated the idea of going out the next day.

"Is something on your mind, Jo?"

For a moment she was tempted to tell him that she was thinking of going out the next day but she refrained, a part of her unsure if she was really going to see it through…another part of her fearful that he'd successfully talk her out of it. Perhaps it was best to wait until she was sure Valerie would be available for a visit…and perhaps it would be best if she was ready to go when she told him. She didn't like to go about it that way…but she also couldn't butter him about it either; she had used up her buttering up quota for awhile. She would just have to wait until she was ready; spring the news, hope for the best and force herself into the car…alone. He would worry and feel the force of his fears…and she'd be terrified too; but what else could she do?

"Jo?"

Johanna glanced up at him and smiled. "It's nothing."

"Seemed like something."

"You know me," she said quietly. "Sometimes I think about things more than I should."

His knuckle brushed her cheek. "No worrying, remember?"

She smiled. "I remember."

Jim leaned down and kissed her once again as his phone rang from across the room. "You better get that," she said reluctantly as his lips parted from hers.

"Yeah, I guess so…but you remember where we left off."

Johanna grinned. "I will…and I'll hold you to finishing it."

"You have my word of honor," Jim remarked with a smile before moving back across the room to his desk.

She sighed, watching him go; she'd take a page from Scarlett O'Hara's playbook and worry about things tomorrow.


	12. Chapter 12

_Authors Note: Thanks for your reviews!_

Chapter 12- Chasing Pavements

" _Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements, even if it leads nowhere" – Adele_

Johanna couldn't help but feel nervous as she made the bed the next morning. She had a plan in mind for the day…she was actually going to get in her car and venture out on her own. She took a steadying breath and squashed the urge to change her mind. She had already called Valerie and asked if she could come over for the day. Her sister-in-law had been enthusiastic about the idea and she didn't want to disappoint her by backing out at the last minute. Besides, she figured her first trip out was probably best done on a day when Jim was at home. The interviews he needed to conduct for his former colleague had been pushed to the next day…it had felt like a sign, telling her now was the day to make her first attempt. She was worried…petrified in fact; but she'd make it back home…she just had to keep telling herself that everything would be fine and she'd make it back without any problems.

She worried about Jim though; she knew all too well how he felt about her venturing out on her own. She didn't want him to be sitting there all day worrying about her alone; so she had called Jeff and asked him to come keep her husband company while she went out. He was on his way…and it had made her feel good to hear him say the words, "I'm proud of you, Sassy." Jeff had also assured her that Jim would be fine…worried, but fine and that he'd stick around until she was on her way back home. It made her feel better to know that Jim would have someone with him to keep his mind occupied. She didn't like worrying him and she hoped he wouldn't be angry that she was doing this, but she had to. She had a feeling that if she kept putting it off that she'd never go out on her own. That was a fear that needed to be faced. Things were quiet again…everything would be fine.

Johanna had just finished putting the pillows on the bed when she heard the distant sound of someone knocking on the back door. Jeff had arrived…it was time to give herself one last pep talk and then get going. She could do this…she'd visit Valerie and then come home. There was nothing to it.

* * *

Jim smiled at the sight of his best friend as he pushed the screen door open for him. "What brings you by?" he said as Jeff stepped into the kitchen.

"Do I need a reason?" Jeff asked.

"No…but sometimes you're running away from home."

His friend laughed. "Well you know how it is sometimes. Where's Sassy."

"Upstairs doing her morning chores," Jim replied.

"Put her to work, did you?"

"No; she always puts herself to work. Do you want a cup of coffee?"

Jeff nodded. "That would be nice. I don't have any at home; apparently doing the grocery shopping slipped Melanie's mind this week. I'll be doing it myself later."

Jim shook his head. "Why do you stay with her? I know you're not all that happy with her."

The other man shrugged. "I don't know; stupidity I guess."

"You need to get that under control," Jim said lightly as he poured him a cup of coffee.

"You're one to talk. You've had some questionable moments of your own."

"I know; but not as bad as yours."

"That's a matter of opinion," Jeff remarked.

"Which is why I'm not asking for your opinion," Jim quipped as he settled back into his chair. "You could get a divorce though."

Jeff sighed. "I already had one of those."

"So? It's not like it's a gift certificate that you can only use once. Get another one if you want out; no one would blame you…and I did keep asking you if you were sure you wanted to go through with it in the first place."

"I know," Jeff replied. "But if you had really cared, you would've kidnapped me and took me out somewhere and beat me until I came to my senses."

Jim laughed. "Well I was still working full time then and had a case in court that week. I didn't have time to take you into the wilderness and beat you."

"You could've made time," his friend replied. "I would've done it for you."

"I'll do better next time," Jim stated before they lapsed into conversation about the game that had been on television the night before.

Johanna entered the kitchen, her jacket on, her purse hooked over her shoulder and her keys in her hand.

Jim felt his stomach tighten as he looked at her; her intent obvious as she stood before him, her teeth worrying her bottom lip. "Where are you going?" he asked.

"I'm going to go see Valerie," Johanna answered; forcing her tone to sound normal despite the butterflies in her stomach.

"I'll take you," he told her.

She shook her head. "No…you stay and visit with Jeff. I'll be back in a little while."

His chest felt tight, worry running rampant in his veins. "Are you sure you want to do this? Is Valerie even home? Does she know you're coming?"

"I talked to her this morning; she's going to be home all day. She's waiting on me."

"Jo," he breathed as he rose from the table.

"I'm going to be fine, Jim," she said softly. "I need to do this. I'm going to go to Valerie's and visit for awhile and then I'm coming straight back home."

He hated that he was so afraid to let he go…and he knew that he had to let her do what she needed to do, but there was a knot of anxiety lying in his chest. "You're going to call as soon as you get there?" he asked.

"Yes; I promise."

"And you'll call if something's wrong?"

She nodded. "I swear."

"You'll let me know when you're heading home?" he asked.

"Of course I will," Johanna answered. "Are you going to be okay?"

"I'm fine; it's you I worry about," Jim remarked.

"She'll be alright," Jeff spoke up. "She's just going from one house to another for a visit."

Jim nodded reluctantly. "Are you sure you're ready to do this?"

"I'm sure," she said as she moved closer to him and kissed him goodbye. "I love you."

His arms wrapped around her. "I love you too," he said quietly as he forced himself to let go of her after a moment.

"I'll see you in a little while," she said with a smile before saying goodbye to Jeff.

Jim followed her to the back door and stepped out onto the porch as she moved down the steps and made her way to the driveway.

"Don't speed," he called out as she unlocked the door of her Mustang.

Johanna looked up at him and smiled. "I won't…I'll be careful."

He remained rooted to the porch, watching as she slid into the driver's seat.

Johanna settled into her seat and locked the door before hooking her seatbelt. She put the key in the ignition but she hesitated. This would be the first time she had gone anywhere alone since coming back from Wyoming at the beginning of September. She blew out a breath and glanced at the porch where her husband still stood. She could see the worry in his face but he gave her a reassuring smile. She managed to return it as she made herself turn the key.

"I can do this," she told herself as she gave a small wave to Jim and then put the car in gear. She felt nervous as she backed out of the driveway but she forced herself to drown out that feeling as she turned up the radio.

Jim watched until she was out of sight and then he stepped back in the house. It felt odd to know she was off on her own and he didn't like it.

"You okay?" Jeff asked.

"Yeah," he answered; and then a thought occurred to him. "Did she call you to come over here?"

"Yes," Jeff admitted. "She didn't want you to worry alone."

A small smile touched his lips. "Johanna and I are quite a pair, aren't we? I'm worried about her being alone…and she worries about me being alone."

"That's called a good loving marriage," his friend remarked. "I know you don't want her out on her own; and to tell you the truth, I'm going to worry right along with you until she rings your phone…but this is a step in the right direction for her."

"I know," Jim sighed as he picked up his phone from the table.

"You're calling her already? You shouldn't distract her while she's driving, Jim. She's already nervous."

"I'm not calling her," he replied as he sat down. "I want to see if this thing works as good as Zach claims."

Jeff glanced at the screen of Jim's phone. "You're tracking her!?"

"Yes."

"Are you crazy? You can't do that."

"Why the hell not?" Jim asked. "It's for her safety and protection."

"No it isn't," Jeff replied. "That's all about you. That's the app of distrust."

"I trust Johanna," he remarked. "It's all of the other people in this city I don't trust; with a few notable exceptions. I'm just trying to keep her safe. This is the app of a loving husband who wants to protect his wife."

"Does Sassy know that you're tracking her?"

"No; of course not."

"I thought your reason for tracking her was innocent."

"It is," Jim insisted.

"Then why haven't you told her? Is it because you know Johanna won't like it?"

"Johanna would understand."

Jeff eyed him. "Then once again I ask, why haven't you told her?"

"Because you know how women are!" he exclaimed. "They have to get mad before they understand. I have enough problems without making Johanna temporarily mad at me. This is for her safety and my peace of mind. There's nothing wrong with it."

"Okay; but when she finds out, your ass is grass, buddy."

"I'm willing to take my chances."

His friend nodded. "Is it working?"

Jim smiled. "Yeah; the little dot is moving in the direction of Frankie and Valerie's. Zach was right; it does work well."

Jeff suppressed a sigh; his friend was playing with fire…as usual.

* * *

Kate studied the shafts of flat early morning light the spilled between the slats of the blinds and softly lit her bedroom. "Waiting is always the hardest part," she murmured as she laid against Castle's chest.

His hand moved along her back in a soothing caress. "I know; but at least you know it's coming."

She sighed. "But when? It's been days since Gates gave me the heads up. I appreciate her doing that but on the other hand I wish I didn't know. I hate being blindsided but I also hate waiting for it to happen."

Castle pressed a kiss against her head. "It's all ridiculous anyway. The F.B.I. said the arrest was clean and lawful. This is just Adam Bracken's way of trying to stick it to you."

"I know...but it could be more than that."

"What do you mean?"

"He has his own money and power...and big brother could be providing him with contacts. You know he had to call in a favor to get this investigation under way. We don't know what else he might've paid for. What if they decide the arrest was unlawful? What if they try to suspend me or try to take my badge?"

"That's not going to happen, Kate."

"But what if it does?"

"It won't."

"It could," she whispered.

"It's not going to happen. Don't think like that," he told her.

"I have to think like that, Castle. I have to be ready for whatever they try to pull."

Castle breathed deeply and then expelled the breath. "If, in the unlikely event that they should suspend you or take your badge; you'd be able to appeal; wouldn't you?"

"Yeah, but if someone is being paid off it probably wouldn't do me any good."

"You sound like you're already in the unemployment line," he remarked.

Kate moved away from him and laid her head back on her pillow. "They could put me there if they want to, Rick."

"But you're not there yet. We both know he's doing this to be a thorn in your side. You're not doing yourself any favors by allowing him to get into your head."

"It's not that I'm allowing him to get into my head; it's the fact that he's there. It's always there, Castle; it doesn't go away. We take down one Bracken and another one pops up to take his place. Granted he seems to be the less evil of the two but I have a feeling he has his own tactics for getting even and getting rid of people who stand in his way. He may very well be doing this just to get at me; but he's also doing it to discredit me to the public."

"The public doesn't know," he replied.

"They will," she said confidently. "Adam Bracken isn't going to keep this under wraps and we both know it."

Castle suppressed a sigh; sometimes her ability to dwell on the negative frustrated him. "You need to tell your mother about this."

"We already had that discussion, Castle. I'm not telling her until I know for sure what we're up against."

"Do you think that's wise?"

"I'm not telling her right now," Kate insisted. "You know how she is; she'll cry, she'll worry, she'll blame herself and apologize for the hundredth time and I just can't deal with it right now."

He was quiet for a long moment. "Why are you holding her at arms length again, Kate?"

"I'm not; I was just over there checking on her when that article was in the newspaper."

"You might've gone over to check on her but you're still pulling back from her a bit."

She sighed in exasperation. "There are just times when I need space from her. She's a vulnerability...everyone in the world knows she's one of my soft spots. I already have the media breathing down my neck and Adam Bracken on TV or in the newspaper every other day, threatening to rake me over the coals and now I have IA after me. Mom has her own issues; some of them are the same as mine; but then there are the issues that are her own...and they make her guilt ridden and needy. Some days I just can't deal with it. I thought she'd be...better by now."

Castle thought over that remark for a moment before speaking. "I think that after what she's been through that there has to be some psychological trauma there. Johanna's trying to be better; but in my opinion, her main issue is the fear of not getting back home if she leaves the house. But she is taking steps to get over that. She's also trying to re-acclimate herself with family and friends; the reception has been cool, so of course she's going to cling to you and Jim. The two of you are what matters most to her...and you're all she has."

"I get that," Kate replied. "But what I can't get past is that inside the house, she is, for the most part, herself. The second she steps out the door, she's cowering like a mouse. Every time she's spotted out in public she has her head down and she's hiding behind those damn sunglasses like she's ashamed!"

"I think she does feel ashamed in some ways," Castle replied. "Leaving her family to save herself isn't a point of pride for her, Kate."

"But that's over and done with and she didn't do it only for herself. She said she did it for us too; to keep us safe. She has our forgiveness and that's all that should matter. I can't stand to see her looking that way...I can't stand the things they say about her."

"What do you want her to do?"

"I want her to be the woman I know she is; the woman who stood up to that son of a bitch with a gun in her hand and her finger on the trigger, ready to pull it to end this for me. That's my mother; strong and brave. I want her to be the woman I know she is on her best days; sassy, lively, stubborn, temperamental, confident. Why can't she be that way all the time again?"

"Because no one can," he replied. "I have no doubt that she always looked that way to you as a kid; because that's how she wanted you to see her. But I'm sure that you've seen her down before...I'm sure she's been clingy; you just didn't mind before. I do believe she suffers trauma from all of this...but I can't help thinking that there have always been shades of this inside of her."

"Maybe so," Kate murmured.

Castle turned on his side to face her; his arm stretching across her; his hand curling around her hip. "I don't think it's as bad as you seem to think. Johanna has her good days and her bad days; just like you. Even you aren't badass every day... sometimes you take a day off."

"That's different," she muttered without meaning to.

"How's it different?" he asked with a laugh.

Kate shrugged. "She's my mom...she's supposed to be the strong one; she always was...but now she's not and it's left up to me."

He gave her hip a gentle squeeze. "I think you're both strong; and that you're both doing your best for each other...it's just that some days are shaky."

"I guess there isn't much I can do about that."

"Maybe you need to talk to Dr. Burke."

"I don't need to go back to therapy, Castle. Didn't we have this discussion before? I do all the talking I need to do with you."

He nodded. "Then maybe Johanna needs to talk to Dr. Burke."

"She probably does," she said as she sat up the edge of the bed and scrubbed her hands over her face. "But I'll be damned if I'm walking down that boulevard of suggestion with her."

"Who said anything about suggesting it?" Castle asked. "You make the appointment and then you go pick her up and tell her that you're going to a shoe sale. On the way to the 'sale', you tell her that you have a stop to make; you want her to meet a friend of yours...and you take her into Dr. Burke's office and there you have it. Piece of cake."

Kate laughed. "Yeah; and then there's the part where she gets arrested for beating me in the middle of the waiting room."

"She's too smart for that; she wouldn't want witnesses. She'd punish you later."

"I feel punished enough already," Kate replied.

He reached out and trailed his fingers along her spine. "How can you feel punished when you're here with me, cupcake?" Castle teased.

She laughed and turned her head to look at him over shoulder. "That's a very good question, Castle. Maybe you should ponder that for awhile," she quipped; her tone light.

"Come back to bed for awhile," he beckoned as she remained perched on the edge.

"I can't," she sighed; "I should get ready for work."

"We could play hooky," he suggested.

Kate moved across the bed; shifting her body over his as she captured his lips in a kiss. "I really wish we could, but I do have to get to work…I'm already going in late as it is" she murmured.

His hand tangled in her hair; bringing her mouth back to his. "I could call Gates and tell her that you're sick," he offered as his unoccupied hand slipped beneath her thin pink t-shirt; his fingertips gliding softly against her skin.

"Don't you think she'd be suspicious of the fact that you're calling instead of me?" she asked.

His lips grazed the line of her jaw. "I'd just tell her that you were picking me up and I saw that you weren't feeling well. I'll tell her that I convinced you that you needed rest...and care."

Kate laughed softly; her fingers combing through his hair as he inched her top higher. "If I'm that ill, should you be trying to undress me?"

"How else am I going to examine you?" he asked; his eyes gleaming in amusement.

A soft smirk curved her lips upwards. "I guess you have a point there, Doctor Castle. You better remove this," she said as she raised her arms.

"There's something very satisfying about the look of surrender," Castle remarked as he pulled her t-shirt up and over her head; tossing it to the floor.

"Well?" she asked as his eyes drank in the sight of her; his hands moving over her bare skin as she continued to straddle his hips.

"I'm seeing areas that are definitely in need of attention," he remarked.

"Is that so?" Kate asked as she dipped her head to brush her lips against his.

"Yes," he confirmed; "But I'm going to have to see more."

"More?"

Castle nodded. "You did ask for the complete examine."

"Did I?"

"Yes; you did; you insisted on it."

"Then you better get to it," she smiled. "We don't have all day."

* * *

Johanna pulled up in front of her brother's home and parked. She glanced in the rear view mirror to make sure once more that she hadn't been followed. She didn't see anyone pulling in behind her and as she scanned the rest of the street, she saw no threat to her. She took a breath and dropped her keys into her purse before unbuckling her seatbelt and getting out of the car. Her gaze darted around once more and she kept her hand curled around her phone in her pocket. The neighborhood remained quiet as she quickly walked up the sidewalk and made her way to the door.

Johanna knocked on the door and then waited; her foot tapping against the concrete porch. She needed to call Jim and let him know that she had arrived safely but she wanted to wait until she was inside the house for his peace of mind. Finally the door opened and her sister-in-law smiled brightly and pushed open the screen door.

"I'm so glad to see you," Valerie McKenzie stated warmly as she reached for Johanna and pulled her into a hug.

Johanna hugged her tightly. "I'm glad to see you too, Valerie."

Valerie tugged her further into the entry way and closed the door. "I was so glad when you called and said you wanted to come over and visit," she remarked as Johanna sat her purse on the stand and unzipped her jacket. "Frankie has gotten to have his one on one time with you but I haven't; although I admit, I think his solo visit did him some good."

Johanna took her phone from her pocket and hung her jacket on the hook. "It was nice to spend time with my brother…it did me good too. I'm glad to have some time to spend with just you though. I always enjoyed our girl time."

Valerie smiled and hugged her again. "Me too, I hope you're intending to stay for a nice long visit…because as much as I love our chats on the phone and having dinner together, I've just been really looking forward to some girl time with you."

"I intend to stay for awhile," she smiled. "I do have to call Jim really quick and tell him that I made it here safely."

Valerie nodded. "We don't want him to worry. Tell him I'll take good care of you."

Johanna smiled as she put the phone to her ear; Jim's number only ringing once before his voice floated across the line. "I'm here," she told him.

"Everything's alright? You didn't have any trouble?" he asked.

"No; no trouble. Everything's fine; I'm standing here with Valerie."

Jim expelled a breath. "Okay, sweetheart…you have a nice visit."

She smiled. "Don't worry; Val told me to tell you that she'd take care of me."

A soft laugh sounded in her ear. "I'm sure she will. Call me when you get ready to leave," he told her.

"I will," she promised. "I'll see you later."

They said goodbye and she ended the call; slipping the phone back into her pocket.

'I have a surprise for you," Valerie said as Johanna's gaze met hers.

"What is it?"

Her sister-in-law grabbed her hand. "Come into the living room and find out."

She gave a quiet laugh; it wasn't like she had a choice but to follow when Valerie was pulling her along by her hand. They crossed the living room to a playpen and Valerie released her hand so that she could reach in and pick up the blonde haired, blue eyed baby that was sitting inside; a small hand curled around one of her rattles. She was dressed in a pair of tiny pink pants; her pink and white shirt proclaiming 'Cutie' in purple lettering.

"Aunt Jo came to see us," Valerie told the baby as she turned her so that she and Johanna could face each other. "I know you're going to love her as much as your daddy does."

Johanna's heart melted as the baby looked at her; a bright smile spreading across her tiny lips.

"Jo; this, as you've guessed; is Ally," Valerie stated.

"Hi, sweetie," she cooed; her fingertips reaching out to brush her small hand but it wasn't enough. She needed to cuddle that baby. "Will you come to me?" she asked her; holding her hands out to her.

"She'll come to you," her sister-in-law replied. "She's a very friendly baby; loves to be cuddled and talked to."

As if to prove her grandmother right, Ally stretched her small arms out to her aunt. Johanna lifted her from Valerie's arms and pressed a kiss to Ally's soft blonde hair. "You're so beautiful," she told her as she cuddled her close. "How old are you now?"

"5 ½ half months," Valerie answered as she moved to sit down in the recliner; pulling a laundry basket full of towels in front of her.

Johanna sat down on the sofa and situated Ally on her lap. "You're going to be crawling soon."

"She's already scooting a little; she just hasn't figured out how to really get going yet."

"Don't worry; you'll figure it out," Johanna told Ally. The baby babbled in response; making her smile. "I guess I came to visit on the right day."

The other woman smiled. "She was already here this morning when you called. Frankie was giving her her bottle. I was hoping she'd stay quiet so I could surprise you; she's a good girl and did what Grandma wanted."

She laughed a little. "It's still hard to believe that my brother is a grandfather. What do you think of your Grandpa, Ally?"

Ally waved her hands and babbled in her baby talk. Johanna nodded. "You're right; he can be a handful at times."

Valerie laughed. "You understood that perfectly; did you?"

"Of course; didn't you?"

"Oh yes; but when Frankie's here, I have to skew the translations in his favor."

"We can't have Grandpa thinking that women are keeping him in line," Johanna told her niece. Ally laughed and she kissed her soft cheek. "I just love you to pieces already."

"Was there ever any doubt that you would?" Valerie asked. "You've yet to meet a baby you don't love or want to cuddle."

"That's true…and I have to tell you; it's pretty nice to hold a baby again," Johanna said. "Babies are easy…they love you simply because you're there; there's no judgment, no hurt feelings, no worries; just love."

Valerie looked at her as she folded a towel. "There's no judgment here, Jo. We've already been through all of that and you know there are no hard feelings; we'd much rather have you here with us. There are no worries here…here you're just loved, as you always have been. Consider this your safe zone when you're away from home…or even if it gets hard at home as things move forward. You've mentioned that you worry about that; but your brother and I want you to know that you can always come here and you'll be safe and loved; whatever you need, we're here for you, okay?"

Her eyes glistened but she held the tears in check. It was such a nice thing to know and feel. "That's good to know," she murmured. "And it's very comforting to think of having a safe zone besides home. Thank you."

"You don't have to thank me; we love you, you're our family. Now that we got all of that out of the way; you cuddle your niece; you have 5 months to catch up on with her while we indulge in our usual chit chat."

Johanna smiled. "I can't think of a better way to spend the day."

* * *

While Castle was in the break room getting them fresh cups of coffee, Kate glanced up to see Ryan looking back at her. "Do you need something?" she asked.

"No; I was just wondering if you had heard anything more about IA," he said quietly so that he wouldn't be overheard.

Kate shook her head. "I haven't heard anything else…I keep looking around though; waiting on them to show up."

"Me too," Ryan admitted. "I never thought this would come up. I mean the F.B.I. cleared everything."

"Money talks, Ryan; we both know that."

The detective nodded; "It'll be okay."

"I hope so…I don't know what we'd do if he somehow managed to buy his way out of this."

"It's not going to happen," he told her; watching as her gaze flicked to the small framed photo of her and Johanna that sat on her desk. "It's just a formality; he's staying behind bars."

Kate nodded; the logical side of her brain understood that but the other side was another story. She couldn't help but worry about all the possible outcomes of this investigation; and not only for herself.

"Don't worry about your mom," Ryan commented as if he was reading her mind. "We still have her back. Anytime Javi and I are out, we always ride by the house and make sure everything's okay."

She offered him a smile. "I really appreciate that."

"You'd do the same for us."

She gave a nod; she would in a heartbeat. "I think they want to make me sweat by making me wait."

"Or they're trying to find someone that they think can intimidate you…that could take awhile," Ryan said lightly; trying to ease the tension.

Kate laughed softly. "That's true; they might have to call it off. Where's Espo?"

"Filing his papers…trying to impress the new clerk."

"Hmm, so I guess he'll be back any minute."

He nodded. "Yeah; she wasn't looking very impressed. Why does Castle look so happy today?"

The pen slipped from her fingers and she scrambled to pick it up again as she forced herself to remain composed. "He had a successful appointment this morning."

"So I guess the next book is going well then?"

"The research has been going very well," she stated. "He's very happy with how it's going."

Ryan eyed her. "We are talking about the book; right?"

Kate returned his stare. "Why would we be talking about anything else?"

"I think I'm going to go to my desk," he replied after a moment's pause.

She smiled. "You should; you have another stack of paperwork waiting on you."

With Ryan on his way; she focused her eyes back on her paperwork but they strayed toward the photo on her desk once more. When her mother had first come home, she had shoved that photo into the back of her desk drawer. She had been too angry to see her smiling face looking back at her…to be reminded of that moment from the past. She could still remember the moment when she had snatched it off her desk…could still hear the glass cracking as she threw it into the drawer.

Kate shook her head; dislodging that thought. What mattered was that she had bought a new frame and put the photo back in its spot when things had gotten easier between her and her mother. She wondered though if she should replace the image with a more recent photo…and yet she didn't think she could. It didn't matter that they were younger in that picture…all that mattered was that they were happy; dressed up for a mother-daughter girls night out, arms around each other, smiles on their faces. That was before they had so many worries; before they lost sleep at night wondering what was going to happen in their lives next. It was the reminder of who and what they had once been.

She sighed as she thought of Johanna. She hoped that she hadn't given Castle the impression that she was ashamed of her mother's behavior in public; she wasn't really…she just wished that she'd show the world what she had always shown her; and she could do that while maintaining her silence…but she wouldn't. In some ways she understood; in others she didn't. Kate dragged a hand through her hair; her gaze still fixed on that photo. Would they ever look that carefree again? Or were they destined to spend their lives in limbo; forever trying to escape a never ending maze?

Her hand strayed toward her phone; the intent of calling Johanna on her mind but she pulled back. She still had the urge to call ten times a day to check on her; a habit born out of their forced situation over the summer…and she couldn't quite shake it now that her mother was back in her own home. She kept trying to break the habit though; going cold turkey had caused alarm for her mother a few days before so she knew she wasn't the only one struggling with the issue. Her hand darted forward again; her fingers wrapping around her phone. Maybe she'd just send her a text; just to check in…make sure everything was okay…because there was still that need to keep her protected.

Kate tapped out a quick message and hit send before she could talk herself out of it. She laid her phone down and tuned in her chair to see what was taking Castle so long; he'd had enough time to get ten cups of coffee. A smile touched her lips and she shook her head as she saw that he wasn't alone in the room; that Esposito had somehow joined him without her notice and that Ryan had drifted in for his share of the male bonding session. Whatever the topic was, they seemed to be enjoying it, she thought to herself as she watched their animated expressions and gestures. Her phone buzzed and she turned back to her desk to open the new message from her mother.

" _I'm fine; but you need to get one of these_ ," Johanna had written; and attached to the message was a picture of a smiling baby girl.

She smiled softly; she really should've resisted the urge to check in but it was too late now. " _She's cute; but I think I'll wait a little longer. Where did you pick that up?"_ she asked.

The reply came within seconds. " _She's your cousin, Katie. It's Greg's daughter Ally. You need to come cuddle her; she'll change your mind about waiting_."

 _"That's why I'm not coming to cuddle her; it's the last thing I need at the moment. Now if you want to adopt one; I might be okay with being a big sister."_

 _"Your father would have me committed."_

 _"Guess you better stick to playing Aunt Johanna then. Did Greg come to visit you?"_

Kate stared at her phone; waiting for the reply to come in but it seemed to be taking longer than the others and a small feeling of worry crept over her although she knew her mother was fine. Finally the phone buzzed.

" _No; Ally is with Valerie; I'm visiting them…"_

She pondered that statement for a moment and then typed a response. " _You're visiting them? Did Dad take you_?"

 _"No; I brought myself."_

Kate re-read the message to be sure that she had read it right the first time. She had taken herself? Her mother was out and about on her own? " _You went on your own?"_

 _"Yes…and I'm fine…nervous but fine."_

She smiled a little; her fingers typing the first response that came to mind. _"I'm proud of you."_

A long minute passed before her phone buzzed. _"I love you,"_ Johanna had written.

 _"I love you too, Mom."_

" _I still say you need one of these as soon as possible_ ," her mother answered; another photo attached to the message; showing herself holding Ally.

Kate smirked. _"Put the baby down and step away…your brain is getting muddled with grandma thoughts. Aren't you too young for that?"_

 _"Flattery isn't going to get you out of the obligation of providing me with a grandchild…but I do appreciate it; thank you."_

 _"On that note I'm going to get back to work. Have a nice visit, be careful…let me know you got home okay."_

Her mother responded promptly, promising that she'd let her know that she got home without incident.

Kate sat her phone aside and once again tried to focus on her work but she felt a niggle of guilt. She could've told her mother that they needed to talk later; but why ruin her day when she was taking such a big step? It was best for both of them if she kept it under wraps. Her mother didn't need the added strain…and neither did she.

The worries that she had banished to the back of her mind that morning resurfaced and settled like a weight on her shoulders. What would she do if they managed to get her out of the NYPD? She'd feel naked and vulnerable without her badge…and if they were working on toppling her, God only knew what they were planning for her mother.

She sighed deeply; the finish line kept getting pushed out of their reach…and yet they had to keep moving toward it despite the obstacles…despite that occasional need or wish to give it up. A cup of coffee appeared before her and she glanced up at Castle. "Thanks."

Castle frowned slightly as he sat down in his chair. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing. I checked on Mom…she's out visiting my aunt today…by herself."

"The mean one?"

"No; my uncle's wife, Valerie. I don't think she's brave enough to go knocking on Colleen's door."

"Are you worried about her being out on her own?" he asked.

"A little…but I'm sure she'll be fine."

"See, she's moving in the right direction," Castle stated.

Kate nodded but he could see the same worries and anguish that had been on her face that morning.

"You've been thinking again," he said with a dramatic sigh in attempt to lighten the mood.

She smiled; "Yeah; I guess I have been."

"I thought we cured that."

"Relapse," she stated; "I'm going to need another appointment."

Castle nodded. "I believe I have an opening in my schedule tonight; but bear in mind that after hours appointments require an extra fee."

"Desperate times call for desperate measures," Kate teased. "When healing is needed, it has to be had no matter the price."

He grinned. "I do love a patient that's committed to her recovery."

She shot him a warm smile. "It helps to have a doctor with a good bedside manner."

"Is it quitting time yet?"

"Nope; far from it," she laughed. "But remember, good things come to those who wait…at least that's what they claim."

"I intend to make it a very true statement," he remarked.

"Good; now we both have something to look forward to."

* * *

Ally was napping in the playpen when Valerie turned the conversation into more serious waters. "How have things been going, Jo?"

Johanna took a sip of the tea that Valerie had poured her earlier and then sat her cup on the stand. "Sometimes I'm not sure how things are going," she admitted. "Jim had a hard time accepting the car…he didn't take it well at all. I understand his reasons and his feelings about it but I…"

"Felt a little stung that he wasn't as supportive as usual?" her sister-in-law supplied.

"Yeah; a little. Like I said; I understand his reasons and I know he wants me to get better in terms of overcoming some of my fears; but it's hard for him to allow me to take the steps to do that."

Valerie nodded. "I don't think it's all that easy for you either."

"No it isn't. I was nervous all morning and that feeling last clear up until I stepped inside your door. I'll be nervous the whole way home. I kept checking to see if I had been followed and…"

"And what?"

"And I guess I'm always going to be afraid that something will keep me from making it back home. When we came back from taking care of things in Wyoming, I just didn't want to leave the house. I just wanted to stay locked inside; especially when the media started coming around. Some days I still feel that way."

"I don't think anyone can blame you for that," Valerie remarked. "You've been scared for a long time; you want to feel safe and you want to know that nothing's going to keep you away again. I'm sure it's a natural reaction. You told me that Jim made you go out every so often anyway…not that you needed to tell me, I saw it in the paper and on TV."

"He does make me go out with him," she confirmed. "He wants me to get over the fear and be able to go out but he doesn't want me to go alone; which is understandable…but also impractical in some ways."

The other woman smiled. "Men have their own sense of logic; you know that as well as I do. All that matters to Jim is protecting you; no matter how unreasonable it might be."

"I know; and I love him for it. But I have to be able to go out on my own if I need to. He's been working a good bit and sometimes I get lonely or restless when I don't have something to occupy me. I could be out doing my grocery shopping and other errands. I could be out shopping or visiting…doing things I always used to do and want to do again."

"I get it and I agree with you; you need to be able to do those things again and you're right to take these steps. I am glad that you came to me first," Valerie stated with a smile.

"Me too; I've always loved visiting you."

"I've always loved visiting with you too."

Johanna gave a soft laugh; being mindful of the sleeping baby. "Maybe getting out a little more will make me feel a little better."

"It's going to make Jim feel better in the long run too," Valerie remarked. "He just doesn't know it yet. To tell you the truth, Frankie was a little worried about you being out on your own too."

"Really?"

"Yes; he worries about you too…even though you've been married for over thirty years he still takes his responsibility as a brother seriously. I know the two of you have talked about the past when things weren't all that great between the two of you, but he's always loved you and he's had a protective instinct for you and Colleen. With Frank and Naomi gone; he sees himself as the head of the family and you and Colleen are under his protection; despite the fact that you both have husbands."

She smile softly. "That's sweet."

"Don't let on like you know; you know how he is; he likes to keep those things under wraps."

Johanna laughed. "Oh I know; he wouldn't want anyone to think he was less manly because of concern for his sisters."

Valerie grinned. "Isn't that the truth. He lets me see it though. When you were giving Ally her bottle, he sent me a text wanting to know if you had gotten here yet. I told him you arrived safely and were happily occupied."

"There is something very relaxing about feeding a baby," Johanna remarked.

"I agree; feeding times were always my favorite."

"I know; I remember you saying that when Greg gave up his bottle. I feel kind of bad that Ally wouldn't let you feed her."

Valerie laughed. "Don't feel bad about that; I don't mind at all that she wanted you. I've given her many bottles and will give her many more in the future. Babies and kids have always taken to you easily, Jo; Ally is no exception. She takes after her daddy; he always had to hang on you too when you were around."

She smiled. "I never minded."

"I know you didn't…and you still don't mind; and neither do I. Ally has plenty of love for both of us."

Johanna sighed. "It's nice to have a baby around…it makes me nostalgic."

Her sister-in-law nodded in agreement. "I know the feeling…how are things with your baby?"

Johanna laughed quietly. "She's not nearly as open to cuddling as Ally is."

"Age might have something to do with that," the older woman teased.

"I'm sure it does; you know how it is once your kid gets to be over 30."

"It's terrible," Valerie remarked. "Greg's pretty good about keeping me informed and coming around often…of course that might be because I'm babysitter number one on the speed dial, but still. Claire…well, she does what she can. I wish she'd work in a doctor's office instead of the hospital so she'd have more normal hours and more time. And don't even get me started on Trevor."

She smiled. "And where is my nephew this week?"

"Miami."

"Well at least he's warm."

Valerie scoffed. "He could at least call and let me know that he gets to each destination safely; but apparently that's too much to ask…because, and I quote; 'I'm a grown man, I don't need to report to my mommy anymore. I'll see you when I get back.' I could just slap him when he says that!"

"I would," Johanna remarked. "He should know that you worry; being a pilot isn't a danger free occupation."

"Tell that to my son! Every time there's breaking news about a plane, my heart hits my toes because I'm not always sure where he's at or where's headed. Then when it takes me hours to reach him to make sure he's okay…oh my god. I can't stand it. He should've gone to work at the company with Greg."

"Kids," Johanna replied. "They just don't get it."

"You can say that again. How are things with Katie?"

She breathed deeply and exhaled slowly. "Sometimes I'm not sure. I told you how things were when I first came home and how we worked our way through it. Some days it feels like we're still in a good place…especially if she needs me; but other times I can't help but feel like she's pushing me away a little."

"Why?"

"Because I only see her if something's wrong…like when she and Rick were fighting; she came home that night. She stops in to check on me if the media is around; but other than that I don't really see her. I invite her to dinner and she always shoots me down; I'm not asking her to come every night of the week…I just thought maybe one night a week would be nice."

"Sounds reasonable," Valerie agreed. "Greg and Kelly come here every Sunday for dinner. Claire comes on Wednesdays. Trevor comes whenever he feels like it when he's in town."

"Katie acts like she's afraid I'll tie her to the chair and keep her."

"Maybe she's afraid you'll ask her to do the dishes," the other woman laughed.

"I'll gladly do the clean up on my own," Johanna replied with a grin. "I don't know what the problem is…well I have some idea and I tried to broach it with her."

"What do you think the problem is?"

"She's still angry," she stated. "I don't begrudge her that; I know that things are better between us in a lot of ways but that doesn't mean she can't still have some anger. I just wish we could work through it. I brought it up the other day when she stopped by; she got a little offended, saying that everyone keeps accusing her of being mad at me when she isn't. I let the topic drop because I'm always afraid of doing irreparable harm…I can't bear the thought of alienating her and losing her. I already know what it's like not to have her in my everyday life…and that's a pain that's so hard to bear and I just don't think I could go through it again; especially after everything we've been through."

Valerie gave her a sympathetic smile. "Maybe it's just growing pains, in a manner of speaking. You were with her every day for a few months; living in her home and being under her care and not you're not…and maybe it's not so much that she's still angry; although I agree a small part of her could be, but maybe she's just having a hard time with the shift of things. You're back home with Jim; and she knows that's where you belong and that's probably where she wants you to be…but maybe she misses you and feels like she's too old to be wanting her mother around on a daily basis."

"But you'd think that if she misses me she'd want to come around a little more often so we could see each other."

"But that's point, Jo; she doesn't want to miss you…you're home, she knows where you are, she can pick up the phone and call you anytime she wants if she just wants to hear your voice. She probably feels like that feeling is ridiculous, so she pushes away because she's trying to relearn the natural order of things. She'll settle down and eventually she'll be at the table when you invite her."

"I don't know, Val; I think it's more than that…I don't think things are really going to be better until all of this is over."

"I'm not saying it's her only reason," her sister-in-law remarked. "I'm sure the pressure of the situation plays a roll…and maybe it does remind her of some leftover anger; but Katie loves you and while it might not always be easy between the two of you, she won't abandon you. She's always going to come back to you; you're her mama…I can still remember when she was a baby and started to talk a little and it was always a string of 'mom-mom' blurred together until eventually she turned it into mama and then mommy."

Johanna smiled wistfully. "I think Mom taught her to say mama…I miss those days. She wouldn't call me anything for a long time when I came home; eventually she worked her way up to 'Mother'…which I was grateful for, although it wasn't the preferred term I wanted."

Valerie laughed softly. "There are very few mother's in the world that want to be addressed as 'Mother'; I know I hate it…and Trevor does it all the time…just to annoy me."

"I think you better put that boy over your knee," Johanna teased.

"I'd like to," she laughed. "He enjoys exasperating me far too much. I believe that when Katie came here to talk to Frankie and I that she called you 'Mom'.

She nodded. "She does call me mom now…in fact the day before she came to talk to you was the first time she called me mom to my face since I came home."

"Don't worry, Jo; everything will work itself out. I understand why you don't want to push too much with the topic with her; I probably wouldn't either. Just keep letting her know that you're there; she'll work things out."

"I hope so," she sighed. "I hate those days when things feel off kilter between us. I'm trying so hard to get us all to a better place."

"Just take it one day at a time; it might be hard between you and Katie at times…it might even be hard between you and Jim during some moments and that's okay because that's how you'll get better, by working through the hard stuff. And you know; its okay for you to get mad sometimes too…just because you feel bad about what happened doesn't mean that you're not entitled to your own feelings. You're allowed to get mad and frustrated and anything else you need to feel."

"I try to keep those things to myself," she admitted.

"That doesn't do anyone any good; especially you. What happened isn't your fault; you're just as much a victim in all of this as everyone else; don't be everyone's whipping post, Jo…you don't deserve that…and you've already been one before. Don't let someone else take on that role of Frank McKenzie in your life…because we all know that he used you as a whipping post for the majority of your life."

Johanna nodded; she knew that all too well. "If you do feel like you can't talk about something with Jim or Katie; you can always tell it to me," Valerie told her.

She smiled softly. "Thanks, Val; I appreciate that."

"I don't care much about that in-law business that's attached to relationships; in my mind you've always been my sister and I've always been yours," Valerie remarked. "I'm here for you like a sister is supposed to be, just like I know you'll always be here for me."

"I wish all sisters were so understanding," Johanna replied.

Valerie understood where she was going with the comment. "Colleen's a special case."

"Yeah; she always has been."

Her sister-in-law laughed. "I was going to say nut case instead of special case."

"You don't have to sugar coat it, Val; I know what she is," she laughed.

"Frankie refers to her as the little bitch."

Johanna nodded; amusement in her eyes. "I know…I have to admit; there are times when that's the best way to describe her…even if I do love her."

Ally stirred in the play pen before Valerie could answer and she got up to check on her. The baby was awake and she carried her to the couch and quickly changed her while she was still sleepy enough not wiggle around too much. "Are you ready to get back in on the girl talk?" she asked Ally once she had her clothes fixed and had cuddled her for a moment.

Ally's gaze traveled to the opposite end of the sofa where Johanna was sitting and she smiled, her arms reaching for her aunt once again as she squealed at her. "I think you have a new president of your fan club," Valerie remarked with a laugh as she handed the baby to Johanna.

She happily took Ally into her arms. "I'm just glad that someone wants the job."

* * *

Later that afternoon, Johanna sat the baby on her lap so that they would be face to face and Ally cooed at her happily. She smiled as she studied the little girl. "You look like your daddy," she told her; "With the exception of this blonde hair…you must get that from your mommy."

"She does," Valerie confirmed as she folded some more laundry.

"Other than the hair you look just like your daddy with those blue eyes and that nose and that chin…and those cute little kissable cheeks."

Ally babbled at her, waving around her play keys as if she was gesturing to punctuate her point. "Oh I know all about your daddy," Johanna said, acting as though she had understood everything her great niece had said. "I saw him through the nursery window the morning he was born…he looked so tiny and they had him wrapped up like he was in a cocoon. I couldn't wait to hold him."

Memories of Greg washed through her mind as she held his daughter on her lap, the little girl's eyes focused on her as she chewed on her toy. "He was my first nephew, you know. I looked forward to being an aunt; I was so excited when he was born. I loved him so much…still do of course…and if you promise not to tell your Aunt Claire and your Uncle Trevor, I'll admit that your daddy was always my favorite out of all of my nieces and nephews. He's special…he was the first…and I spoiled him as much as I could."

"You don't have to worry about anyone denying that," Valerie commented lightly.

"Don't mind Grandma, she told me that I could spoil him since his other aunts didn't," Johanna remarked, aiming a teasing grin at her sister-in-law.

"She's got me there, Ally," Valerie laughed.

"Anyway, the first time I held little Greg McKenzie was at your great-grandma Naomi's house…she'd love you so much, Ally; I'm sure she's watching over you though. Your daddy was only a few days old when I held him that first time. He was a cuddly baby like you; he liked to be held…and I was always happy to oblige."

"You're making me nostalgic, Jo."

She laughed softly. "I'm in a nostalgic kind of mood…I was an aunt…now I'm a great aunt; that inspires nostalgia and a touch of feeling old."

"By all means, continue," Valerie smiled.

Ally squawked her agreement, smiling at her aunt as she reached her small hand out and clutched her sleeve. "Do you want to hear more about daddy?" she asked her. "Okay; he was adorable of course and very sweet. He couldn't say my name when he was little so he called me 'Anna'…and he never stopped…and I was glad for that. It was special to me."

She went on with her stories about Greg, telling his daughter various little stories about the child he had been, not realizing that Valerie's door had opened and the topic of her conversation had entered the house.

Greg McKenzie paused in the hallway, hearing the familiar tones of a voice he hadn't heard in so long. He moved to the doorway of the living room and took in the sight of his favorite aunt as she held his child. A tremor rippled through his heart. God he had missed her. Johanna had always been his favorite aunt; she had loved him in a way his other aunts hadn't and she had given him the attention that they hadn't too. Being in her home and in her care was like being with a second mother, and she was always his choice if his mother needed to leave him with someone. She had such a capacity for love…and he had hated that his little girl would grow up without the love and warmth that Johanna McKenzie Beckett could give…but now she was here and Ally could know her and feel her love. The thought made his throat tight with emotion as a small smile touched his lips. His mother caught sight of him and he hurriedly shook his head at her, silently asking her not to say anything. She gave him a secret smile and acted as though he wasn't there as he wished; allowing him to continue to listen to the stories his aunt was telling but his mind drifted to his own memories.

One of his earliest memories was of being at Johanna's wedding. He could still see her clearly as she had been that day and he remembered that he had thought she looked like a princess from one of those fairy tales that his mother sometimes slipped into the bedtime story rotation. She had been beautiful in her white wedding gown, a bright smile clinging to her lips the whole time…but the thing he remembered and cherished the most was when she had swept him up into her arms for a dance. He could remember her laughing as she twirled them around the floor…he remembered her telling him how handsome he looked in his little suit. She asked him if he was happy that Jim was his uncle now and he had told her that he was…but then he had asked her if she would still love him now that she had Uncle Jim. She had looked him in the eye and stated without hesitation "There's nothing in this world that could ever make me stop loving you. You're my little man; I'll love you forever, no matter what."

She hadn't lied; she had never stopped loving him, even when she had a child of her own. When she and his father had a falling out after the death of his grandmother, he had feared that it would change things…but it hadn't. She still sent cards for birthdays and holidays; she was at graduations and sent care packages and letters to college and he always made it a point to visit her when he was home on breaks.

The remembrance of losing her was too hard to think of and so he pushed those memories away and focused on the warm burst of relief and amazement that had came with the knowledge that she still walked this earth with him. He heard his daughter squeal happily and his eyes darted toward her, fearful that she had eyed him and outed him but Ally's attention was centered on her aunt…and it looked like they had already become very good friends.

"Do you know what I called your daddy?" Johanna asked Ally as the baby smiled at her. "I called him my little man…and then one day I blinked and he had grown taller than I was. I couldn't call him that any more…at least not out loud; but just between you and me; even though he grew taller than me and he's now a daddy; he's still my little man."

"That's okay with me," Greg said from the doorway. "You're still my Anna."

Johanna's head snapped in the direction of his voice; her gaze drinking in the sight of her nephew. He was still as handsome as she remembered but his features had matured some, making him look a bit more like his father than he used to. His blue eyes shown with warmth and affection as she rose from the sofa, shifting Ally to her hip and moved in his direction.

Greg met her halfway and wrapped her in a tight hug, being mindful of his daughter sandwiched between them. "I'm so glad to see you, Anna," he murmured.

"I'm glad to see you too," she replied as she pulled back and touched his cheek. "You're looking more like your father."

"Don't remind me," he grinned. "You're still as beautiful as always."

"I don't know about that," she murmured. "But I appreciate the thought."

"You know you are," he stated. "The three most beautiful women in the world are you, Mom, and my wife…and of course my daughter is going to be number four."

Johanna smiled sadly. "I'm sorry I missed your wedding."

Greg shook his head. "Don't worry about that; all that matters is that you're here now. You'll meet Kelly soon; I promise you that…and I'm glad to see that you and Ally have made fast friends."

As if she understood, Ally laid her head against Johanna's shoulder and cooed happily. "She's a beautiful baby; I'm so glad to see her and hold her," she told him.

"I'm glad too…I want her to grow up knowing you the way I did; she needs her Aunt Anna around."

She felt the need to apologize for her prolonged absence and she opened her mouth to speak the words but Greg must've sensed what she was going to say because he shook his head. "Don't be sorry for being away; just accept that we're happy to have you home again…because we wouldn't want it any other way."

Her eyes filled with tears and she wrapped her arm around him in another hug. "You two better stop it," Valerie said from her chair. "I'm going to cry."

"I might cry too," Johanna remarked. "But they're happy tears."

"They better be," Greg commented with a laugh. "I mean how could you be unhappy seeing me?"

She laughed as she pulled back once more; Ally squirming in her arms and she moved back to the sofa so she could settle her on her lap. "I've never been unhappy to see you, Greg…you are still my little man after all."

He smiled and dipped his head for a moment. "I'm glad; just don't visit me at work and say that."

"That name is for private use only," Johanna replied with a soft laugh.

"Do you have a name for my daughter yet?" he asked as he sat down on the sofa with them.

She smiled. "Ally's my sweet girl…and you better bring her to see me regularly."

Greg nodded. "Count on it. I'll even put you on the babysitter list if you want."

"You better," she demanded. "I need to cuddle this baby as much as possible."

"I'm starting to feel like you might love her more than me," Greg teased; making Valerie laugh.

Johanna's eyes danced with amusement. "I love you both; but I can cuddle her for awhile yet; you went and grew up on me and so did Katie; so you know, I have to find substitutions."

"I'm glad I provided you with one," he remarked.

"Me too," she and Valerie said at the same time.

Greg reached for his aunt's hand and held it. "I'm just glad that you're home now and that you're okay…and that the world finally feels right again."

Johanna smiled as tears filled her eyes; her hand squeezing her nephew's as she kept his daughter cradled in her arm. "I'm glad too," she murmured. "It's so good to be here again."

* * *

At the end of the work day, Kate shuffled her papers into their appropriate boxes and shut down her computer. Another day without the arrival of IA…another day spent holding her breath for nothing. It aggravated her; if they were coming then why didn't they just do it and get it over with. She'd feel better if she knew what she's being thrown into. She breathed deeply and glanced at Castle's chair. He had left a short while before so that they wouldn't be seen leaving together so often but he promised that he'd be at her place waiting for her when she got there. A ghost of a smile touched her lips; she was looking forward to getting home and yet she was holding back; waiting for Captain Gates to exit her office.

Kate took her time; pretending to check over things and then acting as though she was looking for something in her purse. Finally the Captain shut off the lights in her office and stepped outside, pulling the door shut behind her.

"Captain," she said; moving in her direction.

Gates looked in her direction. "Beckett; why haven't you headed home yet?"

"I'm about to head out," Kate told her; "But I was wondering if you had heard anything more…"

The Captain gave her a sympathetic look. "No, I haven't heard anything more…but we could work on the theory that no news is good news right now."

"I find that hard to do," she admitted. "I don't like having this hanging over me."

"I don't like it either," Gates replied; "And we both know what this is, and I don't approve of people using the department as part of their media circus, but our hands are tied until we know what's going on. I meant what I said, Kate; I'm going to do everything I can for you."

"I appreciate that, Sir. I just wish we could get it over with."

"I know; but try not to let it get to you too much, Beckett…that's what they want. They want to get into your head and rattle you and you can't let that happen. You did your job and the only person who has found fault in it is the accused. IA has to follow up because the complaint was made; but it doesn't necessarily mean that they're looking to pin you to the wall."

"I know," she breathed. "But with the name Bracken attached to it, I have to expect the worse."

Gates shook her head. "There's nothing wrong with preparing for it, Beckett; but don't go in there thinking that it's hopeless; because that isn't the case. Just try to be calm; it'll be over soon."

Kate nodded and did her best to take the words to heart. "Thank you, Sir. Goodnight."

"Goodnight, Detective."

She watched her captain walk away and then made her way back to her own desk where she gathered up her belongings. She felt better knowing that Gates was behind her on this and she hoped that the woman was right and that things would pan out just fine…but it didn't keep her from worrying.

* * *

Jim standing on the back porch when Johanna pulled into the drive way. He released a breath; relieved that she was home safely. She smiled as she made her way to him. She looked happy, he thought to himself as she stepped up on the porch and into his arms.

"You okay?" he asked; wanting to make sure he hadn't read things incorrectly as he held her tightly.

"I'm fine…are you?"

"Yeah; I'm okay. Did you have a nice visit?"

Her arms tightened around him. "It was great. I got to hold Ally."

Jim smiled as he nuzzled her hair. "You must've been in your glory."

"I was," she admitted with a soft laugh. "I took pictures."

"I'm looking forward to seeing those."

Johanna knew that she should let go so that they could go inside but she just couldn't yet. She kept her cheek pressed against his shoulder. "I saw Greg," she murmured.

"How did that go?"

"It was good…he still calls me Anna," she said; her voice cracking a little. "I was so happy."

His heart swelled. 'Happy'…it hadn't been an easy day for him; he had worried but she had come home as they both knew she would. Better yet, she had come home happy…and her happiness made the worry worth it.

Jim pulled back enough to allow him to kiss her. "I'm glad you got to see him, sweetheart."

"Me too," she said before taking a breath and looking him in the eye. "I know it wasn't easy for you to let me go today…it wasn't easy for me either. I was just as nervous about being alone as you were…but I think we made it through okay."

He nodded. "We did just fine. I can't tell you that I'm not going to still worry, because I am…but I'm glad you went today and spent some time with Valerie. I missed you though."

She caressed his face. "I missed you too," she whispered before claiming his lips in a kiss.

"Let's go inside," Jim said quietly; his tone warm. "You can tell me all about your day."

Johanna smiled and took his hand as he opened the screen door. She had a nice day out and she felt good inside…and that made coming home feel even sweeter.

* * *

As Kate entered her apartment, she could hear Castle moving around in the kitchen and the smells of cooking filled the air. She put her purse and jacket in the closet and then headed for the kitchen to find out what her writer was up to. "Hey," she said as she entered the room.

Castle glanced up from the stove. "Hey; I was starting to wonder if you were coming home or not."

"I lingered to talk to Gates."

"Is something wrong?" he asked. "Did IA make a late day appearance?"

She shook her head as she moved around him to pour herself a glass of wine. "I just wanted to ask her if she had heard anymore about it but she hasn't. She seems hopeful that things will work out."

"That should make you feel better...doesn't it?"

"A little; but I'm not going to stop worrying until it's over, Rick. You'll have to bear with me."

"Don't I always?"

Kate arched a brow at him as she took a sip of her wine. "I'm going to hope that you didn't mean that the way it sounded."

Castle shook his head; "Of course I didn't. I just meant that as always, I'm here for you...no matter your mood."

"You probably should've stopped at 'I'm here for you' and left off the part about my mood swings, Castle."

"You're right; can we forget that I said that...you know for the sake of our union?"

An amused smile touched her lips. "Are we married now?"

"No...but still...we have a scared union of our own... don't we?"

She pressed a soft kiss to his lips. "Yeah; I think so."

"We could always move up to the marriage type union later on," he remarked casually.

"Uh huh."

Castle glanced at her; "Uh huh as in yes that could be a possibility or uh huh as in let's not go there?"

Kate took another sip of her wine and then licked her lips nervously. "It's not like I haven't thought about it, Castle...I have."

"And?"

"And I'm open to that being in our future...but this moment isn't it...is that okay?"

He smiled; "That's perfectly fine, Kate. I agree."

She returned his smile and brushed another kiss to his cheek. "So what are making?"

"I've decided to wow you tonight with my culinary expertise."

Kate grinned; her arm slipping around his waist. "So you're a doctor and a chef today?"

"Aren't you the lucky one?" he quipped.

"I'd say so but you still haven't told me what you're making."

"Well since you asked once about my incident with the cherries flambé; I decided to make it for you to prove that I can do so without burning the place down."

Kate nodded; "I would appreciate it if you didn't burn my apartment down. I have already lost one place to a fiery explosion...if it happened again people might start seeing me as a risk."

"Then I guess I'd just have to let you move in with me," he remarked.

"I'm already at your place all the time," she replied. "Except for this week; we've been here."

"Noted; but I promise not to burn down your apartment...that could put a damper on things."

"In a big way," she agreed.

"I also have plenty of other offerings just in case the cherries don't turn out or you don't like them."

"I'm sure I'll like it," she said as her phone buzzed in her pocket.

Castle hung in his head in defeat. "Tell me that isn't a body."

"It's my mom," Kate replied as she read the text. "She's letting me know that she got home safely."

"I'm glad to hear that," he replied. "Tell her that we love her and that we'll talk to her tomorrow."

"We?" she laughed.

"Yes; of course. We have nothing but love for her."

Kate eyed him; "What's this about, Castle?"

"I emailed her two versions of that scene I told her about when she bought her car."

"And if you send her love; she'll email you back love?" she laughed.

"One can hope," he replied. "Or at the very least that if there's something she hates, she'll sugar coat it."

She laughed as she typed out her message. "You will let me know how that goes for you, right?" she asked.

"Yes, of course...did you send my love?"

"Yes, Castle; your love was included with mine."

"Good," he remarked. "Now that your mother is home safely and loved; and the work day is over...we can now settle down for dinner...and then get to that appointment."

Kate smiled. "I've been looking forward to my follow up visit all day."

"That means we can let the dishes wait until tomorrow, right?"

A mischievous gleam was in her eye as she kissed him. "I'd say it's a safe bet."

* * *

As they ate dinner, Johanna told Jim about her visit with Valerie and the surprise bonus of getting to spend time with Ally and seeing Greg for a little while. She was feeling more relaxed than she had been in awhile and it was a feeling she wanted to savor.

"What did you and Jeff do while I was out?" she asked.

"We cried until you texted and said you were on the way home," Jim teased lightly.

She gave him an amused smirk. "Smart ass."

He gave a quiet laugh. "To tell you the truth, we did some work on that case we're both working on and when we got tired of that, we watched TV and complained about things as usual."

Johanna gave a nod. "It's good to know that you boys behaved yourselves."

"Does that mean you'll give us a bonus in our allowances?" he couldn't help but ask, amusement gleaming his eyes.

"We'll see," she replied. "It might take more than one day of good behavior to get a bonus."

"Jeff will be devastated."

"Give him my apologies."

"I will…and I am glad that you had a good visit with Valerie today," he told her seriously. "I can't tell you that letting you go didn't make me nervous because it did…and it will for awhile, but I'm proud of you. I know it wasn't easy for you either, but you did it."

She smiled and reached for his hand. "It wasn't easy…I was very nervous the whole drive over, but once I was there I felt better and the drive home was much easier, I felt more comfortable."

"Good, sweetheart. Just take it slowly and your nerves will ease."

She nodded in agreement, falling silent as she thought of another outing she wanted to make but it wasn't one she wanted to do alone at the moment. "Jim…what time do you think you'll be home tomorrow?"

"Probably around four; why?"

"While I was at Valerie's, I remembered that tomorrow is the anniversary of my mother's passing…and the day after is my father's birthday. I'd like to go to the cemetery tomorrow and put flowers on their graves but I don't want to go that far on my own yet…I was hoping that maybe you'd take me."

"Of course I'll take you," he replied. "That's not a problem. I have a few interviews to do in the morning and then one in the afternoon at 2:30; the morning interviews should be done by lunch time, I could take you then if you want…if you'd feel better going earlier in the afternoon."

"Yeah, earlier in the day would probably be better if you can swing it; if not, I'm fine waiting for you. Maybe you can pick up the flowers for me on your way to get me? I'll tell you what to get."

Jim nodded. "I can do that."

With the matter settled, Johanna grew quiet once more, the memory of losing her mother sweeping across her mind along with old familiar ache in her heart. She missed her so much; nineteen long years hadn't done much to dull the ache. She wished every day that Naomi could still be there with them, even more so in her current situation. She needed her…she needed her comfort, her unconditional love, her advice, her arms to cry in. She dreamed of her sometimes, dreams so real that she could swear that they had really been sitting down at the table together having a chat as usual…and perhaps those dreams were real in some ways. She did feel her mother's presence around her at times…but of course it was never enough, it never could be. After nineteen years, getting through that specific date on the calendar probably should've been easier…but it wasn't. It was still hard every year…it was still a date she dreaded. It seemed like the dam almost burst open on the anniversary of her mother's passing; all of those raw feelings of loss and longing welling up and escaping.

"Hey," her husband said softly, touching her hand to get her attention. "What's wrong?"

"I just miss her so much," she murmured, tears pricking at her eyes.

"I know you do, sweetheart; but she's still with you…she's watching over you."

"I know," she whispered, her voice wobbling with emotion.

Jim gave her a hand a soft tug. "Come here."

Johanna got up from her chair and moved to his side, allowing him to tug her down onto his lap and into his embrace. "It's okay," he murmured, holding her tightly. "She wouldn't want you to be sad…she'd want you to think about seeing Ally and Greg today and how happy that made you feel."

"I'm trying," she sniffed, a few tears breaking free. "I didn't mean to take such a sudden turn."

"It's alright," he told her. "I understand…I know how badly you miss her. You said you took pictures of the baby; why don't you show me, maybe it'll help make you feel better again."

Johanna squeezed him tightly for a moment, soaking up his love and comfort and then she wiped her cheeks and got up to get her phone.

After showing Jim the pictures and talking a little more about her visit, Johanna felt a little better once again, but they both knew that the next day would probably prove emotional for her and he'd have to bear with her.

 _Authors Note: Johanna will run into someone in the next chapter…_


	13. Chapter 13

_Author's Note: Thanks for your reviews._

Chapter 13- Hello

" _Hello from the other side, I must've called a thousand times, to tell you that I'm sorry for breaking your heart – Adele_

As promised, Jim drove Johanna to the cemetery the next afternoon. He surveyed the area, seeing no one around as he parked. He breathed a soft sigh of relief; they hadn't been followed either, hopefully this would be another easy outing for them. Johanna fussed with the two bouquets of flowers and then unhooked her seatbelt.

"I'll wait here," Jim told her as she met his gaze.

"Why?" she asked.

"So you can have some privacy," he answered. "You might want to visit your mother alone. I'll be able to see you clearly from here; you'll be okay."

Johanna gave him a small smile and a nod. "Thank you."

"No problem…take your time."

Johanna took a breath; her own eyes scanning the area before she pushed open her door and got out of the car. She shivered slightly; the day crisp and somewhat breezy, the sky grey and heavy with dark clouds as if a storm was brewing. She hoped it would hold off until she was finished. The weather seemed fitting for the day; she couldn't help but think as she finally reached her parents graves. In her mind this date was always greeted with dark clouds regardless of the weather outdoors. She sighed and kneeled down, the grass slightly damp from an earlier rain. Her fingers reached out and gripped the small knob of the vase that was inverted in the base of her mother's stone and she pulled it up, righting it and locking it into place. She placed her bouquet of pink roses in it, fussing with them until she felt they looked worthy of adorning her mother's grave.

"I brought your favorite, Mama," she murmured. "Pink roses…but of course I rarely ever bring you any other kind."

Johanna then turned her attention to her father's grave and repeated the same process of righting the vase. She placed a bouquet of blue and white carnations in it, arranging them quickly. "I know I'm a day early, Dad; but Happy Birthday. I don't think you had a preference for flowers but I remembered that Mom always brought blue carnations. I didn't want to make Jim bring me back tomorrow…these visits are always hard enough."

She sighed and focused her gaze back on Naomi's headstone. "It's that day again, Mama…one of the several I'd like to wipe from the calendar…one that always brings me to my knees. It's been nineteen years," she murmured; "And I can still feel it like it was yesterday…the sun was shining…and I remember thinking that it shouldn't have been. I remember running down that hospital corridor to get to you before it was too late. I made it in time…I got to kiss you and tell you that I love you. I told you it was okay for you to leave me…even though inside I was screaming at you not to go, to stay, that I needed you…I wasn't ready to be without you. I held your hand," she said, her voice cracking. "I remember that last squeeze of your hand…and how my heart shattered into a million pieces and the world changed forever."

Johanna swiped at her cheeks, glancing around as she felt the sensation of a hand brushing over her hair. There wasn't anyone there, but it was something that her mother had always done. She gave into the emotion for a few minutes, the sensation remaining until she got herself under some measure of control.

"Are you here, Mama?" she whispered. "I wish you could be here the way I need you to be. I miss you so badly and I need you so much. I feel like I could get through all of this so much easier if you were here…"

"I'm glad she's not," an angry voice said from behind her. "She wouldn't deserve the agony of what you would've done to her…of what you did to everyone. I'd like to think she'd hate you for it."

Johanna wiped her cheeks and got to her feet and turned around to face her sister. "Colleen," she began to say.

"You have a hell of a lot of nerve being here," Colleen seethed; anger written across her face.

"They're my parents," she remarked. "I have every right to be here."

"No you don't," her sister scoffed. "You don't have a right to anything in my mind. Like I said, I'd like to think that Mom would hate you what you've done; but knowing her, she would've welcomed you back with open arms and threw a party and all we would've heard for the rest of our lives would've been how happy she was to have her baby back."

"Mom would feel that way about all of us," Johanna replied. "I didn't leave because I wanted to, Colleen; I had no choice."

"Right," Colleen said with a roll of her eyes. "I just bet you didn't have a choice. You could've found better choices if you had wanted them, but no; not you. You were always an overly dramatic martyr, Johanna. No one could see that but me."

Her jaw tightened. "No, honey; I think you're thinking about yourself."

"Don't get cute with me. I know you; I know how you are."

Johanna shook her head. "There were two choices, Colleen; leave and keep myself and my family safe or stay and die; would you prefer that I went with option two? Would you rather me be dead?"

Colleen smirked at her. "In my mind, you are. My sister is dead and she always will be."

It was like a knife had been plunged into her heart and for a moment she couldn't breathe. Her phone buzzed in her pocket and she reached for it, her eyes still on her sister's defiant face. The words hung in the air between them as she looked down at her phone and opened a message from Jim. _"Do you need me to come over there?"_ he had written.

She tapped back a quick 'No' and sent it; he couldn't fight her battles, at least not all of them. This one was hers. "I don't know how you can be so callous, Colleen. Don't you understand anything? Don't you have an ounce of compassion in your body?"

"Not for you," Colleen retorted. "What kind of person just up and deserts her family? You walked out on your husband; you abandoned your daughter. You're a disgrace and they're crazy for taking you back."

"I didn't leave them by choice," she said, her voice rising. "I left to keep them safe…and I don't expect your narrow little mind to understand that…but at least I didn't turn my back on my child on purpose. You, on the other hand, have thrown your daughter away like she's nothing but a wad of gum under your shoe."

Colleen's lips pursed into a thin line for a moment. "I guess Samantha came crying to you."

"She came, but she wasn't crying…she's seen your true colors, we all have."

"She only came knocking on your door because she doesn't have anyone else. She probably wanted money!"

"She didn't ask me for a dime!" Johanna exclaimed; "But if she had, I would've given it to her."

"Of course you would; you're Saint Johanna…you even come back from the dead…but it still doesn't make you a decent person. You always thought you were so perfect; that you had it all, a better life than me; well it doesn't look like you do now…because I don't believe for a moment that you and Katie are hunky dory after what you did…after you spent so many years lying to her, destroying her life. I might not speak to Samantha but at least I wasn't responsible for someone shooting her in the chest…you can't say that. You have your daughter's blood on your hands. You are the worst kind of wife and mother there is."

Johanna sucked in a shaky breath, her sister's words unleashing her feelings of guilt and despair. "Maybe I am a bad wife and mother," she said evenly; "But baby sister, you're right there with me. At least I never contemplated getting rid of my child when I found out I was pregnant…but you did. At least I wanted a child…you didn't. At least my husband was in the delivery room with me, yours wasn't. My mother-in-law didn't rule my life…but yours does. If my daughter came home with a baby, I'd be a happy grandmother and love that child with everything I have in me…but you haven't even laid eyes on your grandson. But I have…I've held him in my arms…you haven't. I may carry regrets, I'm far from perfect; but I've never been as selfish and hateful as you are. I don't know how you can be this way."

"You make it easy for me to be this way," Colleen stated. "You were Miss Perfect; nothing I did could ever measure up to you. You were Mom's little princess and you were Dad's favorite…"

"What planet do you live on to think that I was Dad's favorite!" she exclaimed with a short laugh. "Are you out of your damn mind?"

"You were his favorite!" Colleen yelled. "It was always all about you! He was always telling people, my daughter is a lawyer, she's so successful, we're so proud…I didn't hear him singing any accolades about me! He never praised my career!"

"What the hell are you talking about!? Dad encouraged you to follow the path of that career. He paid for you to go to school; he bought ten copies of that design magazine you were in. He was far more affectionate with you than he ever was with me!"

"No he wasn't! Everyone knew you were the pick! Mom would practically hang up on me if you walked in the door or were expected to call. You were the one who mattered most to her. It was always Johanna, Johanna, Johanna. It was never me!"

"Bull; you were the baby and were treated as such!" she yelled back. "You got away with everything, you got handed everything. Frankie and I had to work in the summers when we were old enough but you didn't! You got paid to stay home!"

Her sister dismissed the comments with a wave of her hand. "With Dad it was all about your law degree; it was so much better than my degree…he was so proud of your degree it was sickening. And then of course was your perfect little marriage and how they liked Jim better than Paul and they loved Katie more than my kids…"

"That's a damn lie! Our parents loved all of their grandchildren equally. Mom watched your kids just as much as she watched Katie and you know it!"

"I see you don't deny that they liked Jim better."

"Everyone likes Jim better," Johanna replied. "Paul's an ass; you've said that yourself…on numerous occasions. I remember one occasion when you told me that you regretted marrying him!"

"This isn't about Paul!" Colleen yelled. "It's about you!"

"You're the one who brought him up," she stated. "I don't want to fight with you, Colleen; I'd much rather sit down somewhere warm and talk all of it through with you."

Colleen laughed. "Now who's out of their mind? I'm not sitting down with you anywhere. As far as I'm concerned, you can go to hell. There's nothing to talk about. What you did is unforgivable…and it's what you deserve. You were always all about your job…you even ruined my wedding rehearsal because of your stupid job, and you know what; that precious job of yours came back and bit you in the ass and I've been waiting along time to say 'told you so'. I told you it would be all you ever had, because you know what, because of that job; you spent 13 years in hiding, without anyone you supposedly care about. That's what you get for thinking you're a queen…that you walk on water and save the world. I think you got what you deserve…you got your ass knocked down in the mud and you're going to have to stay there because there's no coming back from it. If anyone is selfish and without feeling, it's you, you bitch. I hate you and I'll never forgive you. Like I said, as far as I'm concerned, my sister is dead…you're just some nobody that happens to look like her."

It hurt; there was no denying the pain that ripped through her heart. "If anyone's a bitch, Colleen; it's you. You're the one on the track to being a lonely, bitter old woman just like your mother-in-law. You've already tossed Samantha aside and your grandson. Lindsey can't stand you and the only reason your boys are around is because you have them trained like little Paul Jr. puppets that say 'Yes, Mother' as soon as you snap your fingers. You don't want me in your life, that's fine; you can be without a sister…but you better see how small your pool of family is getting, Colleen. You won't like it when it evaporates completely."

'Yeah, you'd know, wouldn't you," Colleen said with a smirk.

"Well all this little reunion needs is Dad yelling 'shut the hell up I can't hear the TV," Frankie remarked as he neared them. "What's going on?"

Johanna met her brother's eye. "Colleen was informing me that in her eyes I'm still dead to her. She was also giving me a long list of grievances and letting me know that she's apparently hated me most of her life."

Frankie looked at Colleen. "Why must you be a little bitch? Don't you ever get tired of having that stick up your ass, Colleen? What the hell is wrong with you? You disown Sammi, you turn your back on your sister…what the hell goes on in your brain?"

"Apparently more than goes on in either of yours," their sister retorted. "What went on between me and Samantha is none of your damn business."

"Yeah it is; she's family," Johanna replied. "She's a new mother with a baby to raise on her own. She needs support and guidance, not 1940s style judgment. She's a self sufficient woman, she doesn't need your money; she wants your love but at the moment I don't believe you know how to love or you would've been in that delivery room with her when your grandson was born."

"If you want that kid so much," Colleen stated; "Have at him; let him call you Grandma, I don't give a damn. I don't want to be anyone's grandmother anymore than I wanted to be anyone's mother, so have at it, Johanna. Consider him yours…it'll probably be the only grandchild you have at the rate Katie's going."

"Colleen," Frankie said as he laid down his bouquet of flowers on Naomi's marker; "You don't know how much I wish I could punch you in the face right now."

"Go to hell, Frankie. If you lay one hand on me, you'll go to jail."

"I'll bail you out," Johanna told him.

"That does make it even more tempting," her brother replied. "It has been a long time since we played 'slug the Bug'."

"You two make me sick," Colleen retorted. "I can't believe how you two are all close now, like you didn't fight every five minutes as kids or have that huge blow up after Mom died and didn't speak for the longest time. You both disgust me."

"You disgust us too," Frankie remarked. "What happened when we were kids is in the past and done with, as is the business of what happened after Mom passed away. Jo and I have been over that, she knows I regret it and we forgive each other for the things said and done in that time. We wiped the slate clean. I thank God every day that someone saw fit to save her life because I never, ever wished her dead. If I could've done something to protect her back then and spare her this hell she's had to go through, I would've done it…would you?"

"No, I wouldn't. It's her own damn fault for sticking her nose where it doesn't belong. That's what her high falutin career got her, let her live with it."

"That's real nice, Colleen," Johanna said as she eyed her sister. "Because if you were in danger and I could save you, I would in a heartbeat because you're my sister and I love you."

"Well I don't love you," she retorted as she stooped down at Naomi's grave and jerked Johanna's flowers out of the vase to put her own in.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" Johanna exclaimed as she grabbed her flowers from Colleen's hand and jerked her sister's bouquet of daises out of the vase.

"I'm using the vase!" Colleen stated. "You don't need to put anything here, you haven't for thirteen years. Just stay the hell away from here."

"You don't have any right to tell me to stay away from my parents graves!" Johanna yelled. "That's my mother and my father and this is a public place and I'll come here every goddamn day if I want. I was here first and my flowers are going in that vase."

"She's right," Frankie said as he looked at Colleen. "Her flowers were already in there, leave them alone; and don't you ever think about telling me or her that we can't come here and leave a flower. You don't own this place; if you don't like Johanna being here, then you better be the one to leave. Who the hell do you think you are?"

"I think I'm better than either one of you frauds," Colleen replied. "I've always been better."

"No, you've always been a self centered, whiny, pain in the ass," Frankie told her.

"And what do you think she is?" their sister asked, stabbing a finger in Johanna's direction.

"She's a better woman than you could ever hope to be," he stated without hesitation. "I don't know where Mom and Dad went wrong with you, but clearly something happened along the way…or maybe it's Paul's brainwashing at work. Pull your head out of your ass one day, Colleen and take a look around at the world you're living in…the real one and the fake one you've created in your mind. You're not a happy person…and you've always been so jealous of Johanna that you couldn't see straight. You thought your big crowning moment of glory over her was the fact that you got married first, but you know what, you still lost, because she got the better man, the better marriage, the better relationship with her child and you know it…and it eats you alive. You're want to stew over something she had no control over; you want to make it all about you just like you've always made everything about you, but you know what, Bug? It's not about you…you're not looking like some big bad ass, believer in truth and consequences. All you look like is a jealous, vindictive, petty little bitch who's going to get her due one day."

Colleen smiled. "But not nearly as much as Johanna will."

"You know what, Colleen," Johanna said as she put her roses back in Naomi's vase and laid Colleen's flowers beside Frankie's. "If you want to hate me, that's fine. If you want me to be your grandson's grandmother, that's fine, I'll be proud to have him. If you want to wallow in pettiness, you go right ahead…but I still love you…I shouldn't but I do."

"I don't want your love," her sister spat. "I don't want anything from you. You disgust me and I don't want you around me."

"Then leave," Jim said as he stepped up to them.

Colleen scoffed. "Did you come running to save your Queen?" she asked.

"I didn't run, I walked…and she's not in need of saving, Colleen; she can take you," Jim replied.

"Oh yes; just another glowing endorsement for Saint Johanna…hey, maybe you can be the new saint for liars."

Johanna gave a bitter laugh. "And to think that I missed you…I must've been crazy," she remarked. "You're worse now than you ever were."

"That may be…but at least I've never played dead for thirteen years."

"Hey, Colleen;" Jim said tersely.

"Don't, Jim," Johanna said as she laid a hand on his sleeve. "Just don't."

He clamped his mouth shut, honoring her wishes as he glanced at Frankie. He could see the anger on his brother-in-law's features just as easily as he could see the pain in Johanna's.

"Well Mom and Dad," Frankie said after a beat of silence. "Here we are; all together again…in a manner of speaking. Not much has changed has it? Colleen's still a brat, Jo still loves her despite it and I'm still wondering why Jo doesn't just reach out and pop her one and adjust her attitude for her…but I figure she doesn't feel like going to jail anymore than I do. Some things never change…and some things get better with age…and then there's Colleen who only seems to get worse."

A crack of thunder sounded, the clouds opening up and the rain beginning to fall. "I believe that's Dad…he's agreeing with me," Frankie remarked.

"As always," Colleen retorted. "You were the Prince, Johanna the Princess and I was the peasant."

"Oh, God," Frankie muttered. "No she's casting herself in the role of Cinderella."

Johanna shook her head. "I've had enough…I wasn't finished my visit but I'm going. I don't care to stand here and fight with her all day or to continue being insulted," she said before kissing her fingertips and pressing it against Naomi's name on the stone. "I love you, Mom. We'll talk some other time."

Her brother gave her a quick hug. "I'll call you later," he told her.

"Alright, I'll be home for the rest of the day."

"Isn't that sweet," Colleen said snidely. "Sissy and Brother acting like the Walton's."

"The ice you're skating on is getting thin," Frankie said, his tone low and angry.

"Colleen; if you ever decide to think things over and want to talk, Lindsey has my number," Johanna told her.

She laughed. "Don't sit by the phone and wait, you lying bitch."

"Come on, Jo," Jim said as he took her hand, another rumble of thunder sounding over head. "Let's go before I have to flip a coin with Frankie to see who gets to hit her first."

"It's definitely me," Frankie replied. "I'm the brother; I have to outrank you on this one, Jim."

"That would probably be only fair," he replied before looking at his wife. "Are you ready?"

"Yeah," she said sadly. "Let's get out of here."

* * *

Jim could feel the anguish rolling off Johanna in waves as they walked through the front door of their home. She was holding it back, why, he didn't know. He had expected her to cry the whole way home but she hadn't. She had told him what Colleen said and then had fallen silent, her jaw tight and white knuckle grip on her purse, but she didn't shed a tear. It seemed odd, although he hated it when she cried and sometimes felt frustrated that she got so emotional so often, but he knew that it was a product of the situation, that it was an outlet for all the things she felt, some of which he was sure she didn't voice. He didn't want her to keep it buried though; it wouldn't do her any good. It wouldn't make her feel any better.

"Jo," he said quietly as she hung her jacket on the hook by the door.

"I'm fine," Johanna replied; opening her purse to take out her phone and the gun so that it could be placed back in the drawer of the stand.

"I think you ought to keep that in a drawer in the kitchen…you spend a lot of time there."

"I like it here in the daytime," she replied. "Really I could probably leave it upstairs in the nightstand."

"I guess you could if you feel safe enough."

"I do," she answered, tucking the weapon back in her purse so that it could be taken upstairs. "I always keep the doors locked."

"Jo," he said once again.

"What do you want for dinner tonight?"

"Whatever you want to make."

"I could make chicken pot pies," she remarked. "There's a pack of chicken that needs to get used up before it goes bad and I have the vegetables for it."

"That's fine," he told her; keeping his answer short to see if she'd keep rambling.

"I'll make biscuits to go with it," she went on. "Is there anything else you want me to make with it?"

"No; whatever you make is fine with me."

She glanced at her watch. "I better get started; they take a little time to prepare and they need time to bake; they should be ready when you get home from work."

Jim followed her as she headed for the kitchen. "Jo; do you want to talk about it?"

"Talk about what?" she asked as she moved to the refrigerator to get the package of chicken she needed.

"Colleen."

Johanna shook her head, turning her back on him as she moved to the cupboard to get her cutting board. "There's nothing to talk about. My sister hates me; end of story."

"I don't believe she hates you…"

"Really?" she asked incredulously, interrupting whatever it was he was going to add to the statement. "I must've missed the overwhelming feeling of love that came from her looking me in the face and telling me that as far as she's concerned, her sister is dead. I'm her only sister so I'm pretty sure she was talking about me. If that's not hate, I don't know what is."

Jim was trying to choose his words carefully but he didn't know what to say. She was hurt; she was raw and bleeding from the wounds Colleen McKenzie Weston had inflicted. He saw the sheen of tears in her eyes as she turned back to the counter and roughly ripped the plastic off the package of chicken before reaching into the drawer for a knife. He knew well enough that in adulthood, she and Colleen had had their ups and downs; their squabbles and short periods of ignoring each other. But he also knew that there was a part of Johanna who always looked at Colleen and saw her as her loyal baby sister; the little girl who had followed her around and loved her unconditionally. Or at least it had been believed that Colleen had loved her unconditionally at one point in time…that idea would be forever tainted now…perhaps everything about their relationship would be and she'd need time to mourn.

He lowered his head; he didn't know how to fix this for her. He didn't see any possible way for her and Colleen to ever recover their relationship. Not with Colleen's holier than thou attitude; not after the things she had said. "I'm sorry," he finally said; his tone quiet in deference to her suffering.

Johanna shrugged as she went about her task. "It's alright. Mom always said to be careful what you wished for…and as usual, she was right. I wished to see Colleen and now I have and I now wish that I hadn't seen her. It was better the way it was, but it's fine. I understand. I'm not her sister anymore in her mind, and that's okay."

"No it's not."

"It is," she said, almost desperate conviction in her voice. "I'm not her sister…and she's not mine."

He knew she didn't mean that; that she couldn't cut Colleen out of her heart as callously as Colleen had cut her from her own. She was putting on a brave face; taking the tough girl exterior out of storage for a little while to hide the hurt. He knew the act well; he'd been able to see through it from the first day they met. He wouldn't rob her of it for the moment; he'd let her cope with the initial sting in her chosen way…a little bit of Frank with the attitude, a whole lot of Naomi with the flash of the knife, cutting the chicken into pieces to be cooked. Jim could see both of her parents in her at that moment; Frank was there in the tight set of her jaw; Naomi in the fluttering of busy hands. It had always been that way for as long as he could remember, even before he had met his in-laws and got to see those traits his wife had inherited first hand. He needed to get back to work but he hated to leave her at a moment like this; things had been going well and now Colleen had knocked her down.

Jim moved closer, his hand stilling hers. He still didn't know what to say; nothing seemed quite right, nothing was going to make her feel better at the moment but he had to try. "It's her loss, Jo," he murmured.

"And yet somehow if feels like mine," she whispered; her throat tight with emotion.

"You didn't do anything wrong."

"I know…but it feels like half the world thinks I did."

"It's not like that," He assured; gently wrestling the knife from her fingers before grabbing the damp dish cloth from the sink to wipe her hands before he turned her to face him. "There are a lot of people who love you; me most of all."

Johanna nodded. "I know…sometimes it feels like you're the only person in this world who truly loves me from start to finish."

Jim pulled her into his arms. "That's not true either; a lot of people love you, all of you, not just certain sections of your life that they approve of or understand. I know you're hurt…I know you want to turn off everything you feel about your sister, but I know you, Jo; and you can't. You can try as hard as you want but you can't."

"What's your point?" she asked as she struggled to keep the tears at bay.

"That you're going to have to give in to it and let it out before it eats at you."

"I'm fine."

"You're not," he remarked. "But it's okay…I just hate that I have to go back to work and leave you here by yourself."

"It's okay…I could use a little time alone, no offense."

Jim smiled. "None taken, sweetheart; I understand. Come lock the door and I'll get going. I should be home at the usual time."

Johanna swallowed hard and forced a small smile to her lips. "I'll have dinner ready."

"I know you will…I love you."

"I love you too," she said, allowing her hand to slip into his so that she could walk him to the door.

Jim kissed her goodbye at the door and then stood on the porch, listening to the sound of the lock clicking into place. Satisfied that his wife was safely locked in, he headed for the car.

* * *

On the drive back to the office, Jim wracked his brain for some way to help his wife through this latest rejection but he couldn't come up with anything original. All he could think to do was to let her work through it in her chosen methods, at least for a day or two.

Once he was parked, he took his phone from his pocket and hit the number for his daughter; waiting somewhat impatiently as her line rang.

"Hello," Kate said as she answered.

"Katie, I need a favor," Jim stated.

"What's wrong?" she asked; her entire body suddenly on alert.

"Nothing like you're thinking," he replied. "Your mother had a run in with Colleen today."

"How did that happen?"

"She asked me to take her to the cemetery so she could put flowers on your grandmother's grave; it's the anniversary of her passing."

Kate sighed. "I knew this day had a dark cloud over it for a reason, I just couldn't remember why."

"The cloud is even darker now," Jim remarked.

"What happened?"

He quickly explained Johanna's encounter with Colleen. "I don't remember Aunt Colleen being so nasty," Kate replied when he finished. "Am I forgetting that she was like this or does she hide it well?"

"She hides it well most of the time," he answered. "But listen; I had to drop her off at home and come back to work; I don't know when I'll get to call and check on her, so do me a favor and call her in a little while, just check in and make sure she's okay."

"I will," she told him. "I'll give her some time and then I'll call. I'll send you a text and let you know she's alright."

"I appreciate it…and Katie?"

"Yeah?"

"Make sure you tell her that you love her."

"I will, Dad."

"Thank you. I better get back to work so I can get home on time; I don't want to be late when I know she's at home being upset. Be careful, Katie; I'll talk to you later."

"Don't worry; it's a slow day," she told him. "Mom will be fine, but I will check in and let you know."

They said goodbye and Jim tucked his phone back into his pocket as the clouds opened up once more and poured down rain again. He sighed; when he and his siblings were little, his mother had always told them that rain drops were the tears of angels and he couldn't help but think of that at the moment. "Are they your tears, Naomi?" he asked quietly as he remained in the car. "Did Colleen disappoint you as much as she did everyone else? Or is it because you could always feel Johanna's pain so keenly? Maybe it's both," he remarked as he unlocked the door and prepared to be soaked on the dash to the door of the building.

* * *

After Johanna had the chicken pot pies in the oven and the rest of their meal planned, she drifted through the house, trying to think something to keep her busy but came up empty. She had done her usual housework before Jim had picked her up and now she'd be at loose ends until it was time to finish her dinner preparations. Without thought she climbed the stairs but she walked past their bedroom and headed for the attic door. The old wooden stairs creaked as she made her way up them but she paid them no mind, she had only been up in attic once since coming home, and that was to deposit a few boxes but she knew that object she was looking for was still there.

As she reached the top of the stairs, Johanna looked towards the window, hearing the patter of rain drops against the glass as she reached up and pulled the chain to turn the old ceiling light on. There to the side of the room, safely away from the damaging sunlight from the window, sat the old black trunk she'd had since she was a teenager. Her aunt Bridget had given it to her when she mentioned that she needed something to store her most cherished things in. She moved toward it, grabbing an old rag from the top of a box to swipe away the dust on the lid before she kneeled down in front of it and undid the latch. Judging from the amount of items stashed inside, Johanna figured it could be said that she was a sentimental woman…but that wasn't anything she didn't already know.

She began to lift things out of the trunk; mementos from her school days, Playbills from Broadway shows her parents had taken her to, junior high yearbooks and grade school class photos. There were two small clothing boxes, one that she knew held three Barbie dolls…which she knew would now be collectors items, especially that very first one she had received with her Easter basket when she was eight. The other held her high school cheerleading uniform and she smiled at the memory of losing a bet to Jim and having to model it for him as his chosen payment. She kept digging, her hand finally curling around two small hardback books.

Johanna pulled the books out and smiled at the familiar sight of the old books, two of her and Colleen's favorite Nancy Drew mysteries. She ran her fingertips over them reverently, a heavy breath crossing her lips. She and her sister had loved those books…loved reading them together late into the night; hiding beneath the covers with the flashlight; listening for the creak on the stairs to tell them if they had been discovered staying up past their bedtime. Her heart ached and she gripped the books tightly, her eyes squeezed shut as the hurt rippled through her. She breathed deeply and released the breath slowly before opening her eyes. Johanna cracked open the book and looked down at the box that read "This Book Belongs To" and there on the lines beneath those words, written in their best grade school handwriting were the names ' _Johanna McKenzie and Colleen McKenzie'._

The sisters they had been back then, they'd never be again. She wasn't delusional enough to think that they still had been those sisters before she had left, they hadn't been…but it had been close enough in some ways. Things had changed between them when Colleen had gotten engaged; her sister had hurt her, with words and actions…they grew apart, didn't talk for a little while. But then came that day when Colleen had apologized and she had accepted that apology and swept it all under the rug, letting her back in, picking up from where they left off as best as she could. Things were still different between them…but it hadn't been bad…oh they'd had a few squabbles but nothing terrible. Nothing to hint at the resentment that her sister clearly held toward her. She knew that Colleen would be angry about the lie that had kept her alive…she had even told herself that her sister might not want anything to do with her…but her silly, misguided heart had refused to believe it was possible. That little part of her had continued to hold a flicker of hope…surely her sister would want her around once the sting wore off; but she had underestimated Colleen's ability to hold a grudge.

She flipped through the pages of the book, a strip of paper flying loose and falling to the floor. She picked it up and flipped it over, finding it not to be scrap paper after all, but a strip of 4 black and white photos from the now extinct photo booths of her youth. Johanna smiled a little as she looked at the images of her and Colleen; she must've been about ten, Colleen would've been eight. They were laughing in two, making faces in another and smiling nicely the way their mother always told them in the last. She could remember that day; they had been in the city with their grandfather and he had given them a handful of quarters and told them to have fun. She didn't know how many of those strips of photos they had taken but they had a small collection by the time they went home.

Johanna stared at the photos for a moment longer and then tucked them back in the book; closing it with a soft snap…feeling like the book was closed on her relationship with her sister as well. She allowed herself to fully feel the hurt and pain, she didn't fight it when the tears surged forward as she clung to that old book as the rain pounded against the window. She should be used to rejection; it shouldn't hurt so much…but it did…and couldn't stop the tears from falling or the sobs that wracked her body. She wished she could hate Colleen as easily as Colleen hated her…but she couldn't; she still thought of her as her much loved baby sister…and she desperately wanted to stop in that moment.

* * *

Awhile later after her crying jag in the attic was finished, Johanna slipped the pan of biscuits in the oven and closed the door just as her phone rang. She sighed and pulled the phone from her pocket. Seeing that it was Katie, she accepted the call and did her best not to let any emotion shine through her tone as she said "Hello."

"Is everything alright?" Kate asked, figuring that starting off with her usual question would be best while trying to pretend that she knew nothing about the run in with Colleen.

"Yeah, everything is fine…I don't have any guests with cameras on the sidewalk."

"That's good…"

"But?" Johanna asked.

"But what?"

"I sensed a ''but'."

Kate sighed and quickly figured out an angle to play. "I'm glad the media isn't there but how are _you_? I know it's the anniversary of Grandma's passing."

Johanna's throat tightened, her heart squeezing painfully with grief. "I guess I'm as alright as I can be on this day. I'm never going to be completely fine…it's not something I'll ever be completely over…it never goes away."

"Yeah, I know," Kate remarked; a slight edge to her tone that she couldn't squash.

Johanna flinched at the comment, her words deserting her. How could she have been so foolish to say something like that to Katie? Her eyes closed, self loathing crashing over her. She just couldn't do anything right…she just kept hurting people no matter what she said or did.

Kate cringed as the silence lingered. How was she supposed to dig them out of this hole?

"I'm sorry," Johanna finally said, her voice soft and thick with emotion. "I wish there was something better to say…but they haven't invented a word for the colossal screw ups people like me make. "I am so very sorry that you had to feel that pain, it's not a pain I wish on my worst enemy and I know nothing I can say or do will ever make it completely better, but I am sorry…and if I could go back and change things, I would. I'd do so many things differently…"

"Don't," she stated gently but firmly. "Just…don't. Let's just forget what we both said."

Her mother swallowed hard and tried to force the feelings aside. "How's your day been going?"

"It's slow today," Kate answered. "You sound like you've been crying."

"I always cry on this day."

"Is there any other reason?"

Johanna was quiet for a moment. "Your father called you."

"What?" her daughter asked.

"Katie, don't play dumb with me, you know that irritates me."

Her daughter was silent for a few seconds. "I'm sure you're aware that Dad calls me sometimes."

"You're still trying to play dumb and I'm in no mood, Katherine."

"Fine; he called…he told me you had a rough afternoon and asked me to check on you while he's at work. I guess he must have a meeting or something because he said he didn't know when he'd get to call you himself."

"I'm fine," Johanna stated. "I already knew that Colleen wasn't pleased with the news…today was just confirmation of her hatred."

"You should've punched her; then she'd have confirmation that she's a bitch."

"I admit that at times I like to think about punching her," Johanna admitted. "But she wouldn't learn anything from it."

"It might make you feel better though," Kate said with a small laugh.

"Only for a moment…and then I'd just go back to feeling the way I do now."

"Maybe one day she'll come around."

"She won't."

"You don't know that."

"Katie; I've known her from the day my mother brought her home from the hospital; I think I know my sister's habits and ways better than you do."

"Okay; she won't come around," Kate said. "The hell with her; and by the way, thank you for not giving me siblings, apparently they're just a pain in the ass."

"They are and you're welcome; although I didn't do anything to prevent you from having siblings, at least not for the majority of your life. It just turned out that way."

"I'm still grateful; I see a lot of sibling issues in my line of work…and in the family."

"I'm sure you do."

"Are you going to be okay?" Kate asked.

"Yeah; I'm fine…I'll get over it eventually."

Kate wasn't sure she believed that but she knew that her mother wanted her to. "I better get back to work; the stack of papers on my desk doesn't seem to be getting any smaller."

"Paperwork always seems to multiply," Johanna agreed. "You're sure everything is alright on your end?"

She paused, thinking about the Internal Affairs cloud hanging over her head but she still didn't know much about it and she didn't need to add to her mother's bad day. "Everything's fine, Mom. I'm chained to my desk today, nothing to worry about."

"Good," her mother remarked. "I'll let you go so you can try to tame that paperwork and I need to fix a salad for dinner."

"Alright…I love you."

A small smile touched her lips. "I love you too, Katie. I'll talk to you later."

Her daughter said goodbye and Johanna ended the call, blowing out a breath as she headed for the refrigerator once again. It felt like the day was moving at a snail's pace now that she knew where she stood with her sister and she desperately wanted to shake off the feelings she had about the whole thing…but she couldn't. She couldn't help but feel like a little piece of her heart was broken and the jagged edges were sticking her soul. She released a weighted breath, she would do her best to push it away before Jim got home…but she didn't know how successful she'd be in that endeavor.

* * *

When Jim got home from work, his wife was still in the kitchen. Johanna greeted him warmly but he could see the telltale signs of redness in her eyes and knew that she had been on a crying jag. He didn't press the issue for the moment as she busied herself with pouring coffee and putting dinner on the table. Once they were seated and had taken a few bites in between indulging in careful small talk, Jim bit the bullet and asked the question that was always on his mind. "Are you okay?"

Johanna swallowed the bite of her dinner that she had taken. "I'm fine…I don't need a babysitter."

Jim held her gaze, trying to discern just what she meant by that comment. He didn't want any trouble; not when she was already hurt and angry about her sister. "Can you spell it out for me, Jo? I don't want to risk rolling the dice tonight."

"Katie called," she remarked. "She tried to play dumb but failed…apparently Martha isn't giving her acting lessons."

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"You told her to call and check on me…like I'm some little girl who needs supervision."

"Katie always checks in with you."

"In the mornings via text message," Johanna remarked. "And she told me that you told her to call."

"Apparently she doesn't know when to keep her lips zipped either," Jim remarked as he picked up his cup of coffee. "She must get that from your sister."

"Or yours," she retorted.

He nodded. "It's a close race. I wanted her to call because you were upset and I had to leave you here by yourself."

"What did you think I was going to do?" she asked.

She was looking for a fight, Jim thought to himself. She didn't want to hurt, she'd rather be angry…and when she was angry, she liked to fight, she liked to rage. It was part of her nature…another sign that she was truly her father's daughter. Now wouldn't be the time to mention that though. "I figured you'd probably cry and dwell and make yourself feel even worse than you did when I left," he told her. "Asking Katie to check on you wasn't any different than when you had Jeff come keep me company when you went to visit Valerie."

"It is too different."

"How so?"

"I didn't want you to worry alone," she replied.

Jim gave a nod. "And I don't like for you to be upset alone…exactly the same thing."

Her eyes narrowed slightly. "It's not…and sometimes, contrary to popular belief, I like to have a little time to myself to feel however I want to feel without anyone's opinion about it."

"That's understandable," he said patiently. "If I interrupted that by having Katie call you, I'm sorry."

"I want Katie to call because she wants to, not because her daddy told her to."

Jim laughed. "You don't have to worry; she rarely ever takes orders from me. Look at when you first came home; I kept after her to at least talk to you on the phone and she wouldn't budge."

Johanna frowned. "I don't want to talk about that…it makes my stomach hurt."

"You're right, that's not a pleasant topic for dinner…but sweetheart; you're looking for a fight and I'm not going to give you one. I'm not the one you're angry with; neither is Katie. You're not wrong to be angry or hurt…and I know you want to let it out, but you're going to have to do it a different way."

Johanna breathed deeply, her eyes lowering to stare at her plate. "I'm sorry," she murmured. "I didn't mean to try and start something…"

"I know…it's alright; I'm guilty of doing the same thing at times."

Her gaze met his and she smiled. "Yeah, you are."

He gave a quiet laugh. "Pretty quick with the confirmation, aren't you?"

"Always when it comes to you."

Jim bumped her foot under the table. "Hey."

"What?"

"If you need a little space, you can ask for it. I won't get mad."

"It's not that," she murmured.

"Then what?"

"I'm home, I'm where I belong, I'm with the people I want to be with the most…I shouldn't want space at any time."

"Jo, that's not true. You had to be away for reasons beyond your control; you're home now, you're settling back in to more normal, familiar routines…you're the same woman you always were, and that woman, like every other person in the world, sometimes needs a little time to herself. It's fine. Sometimes I need time to myself too, which I have driving to work or when I eat lunch without a friend. It's normal; it doesn't mean that you aren't happy to be home or that you're taking it for granted."

"The logical side of my brain knows that…it's the other side of my brain that's a problem."

"Don't worry; it'll settle down again."

"I certainly hope so…I wish I didn't think so much."

Jim smiled. "That's like telling a canary not to sing, sweetheart."

She laughed softly. "I know; I've always been an over-thinker."

"It's part of your charm."

She scoffed. "Yeah; I just ooze charm."

"It's going to be alright," he told her.

"You keep telling me that."

"And so far I haven't been wrong," Jim remarked.

"I hope that trend holds, honey; I really do."

"It will," he said confidently. "I know it will."

Johanna gave him a smile; her heart and mind still in turmoil. "I'll do my best not to doubt it."

* * *

The clock read 1:54 when Jim reached across the bed in search of the warm form of his wife. His hand found emptiness and his eyes snapped open, his mind suddenly fully awake. The sheets were cool, she must've been gone for a little while, he mused; and the television was off…it had been on when he had gone to sleep…but his wife had been beside him too when he had gone to sleep. He threw back the covers and got out of bed; knowing it was entirely possible that she was downstairs baking a cake in effort to find an outlet for her feelings. When he stepped into the hallway, he finally registered the sound of a piano being played. No cake tonight, he thought to himself as he headed for the stairs; tonight she had chosen a different outlet.

Jim stood in the doorway of the dimly lit office; watching his wife as her fingers moved across the keys of her mother's piano; a melancholy melody filling the air of the room. It seemed fitting for the shadows she was lurking in tonight; those of the office and the ones in her mind. She was brooding…he didn't blame her; he just wished that he could've protected her from it. He suppressed a sigh; he couldn't protect her from everything no matter how much he wanted to…the run in with Colleen had been inevitable…he just wished it hadn't been so painful for her. He was pulled from his thoughts as the music reached a crescendo; as if all the pain in her heart was gushing from the wound, exiting to the heightened sound of drama in the notes she played. The tempo dropped, her fingers touching the keys more quietly once more; the melody still mournful.

Jim crossed the room with quiet steps, taking a seat at the edge of the bench. "What are you playing?" he asked; his voice low and gentle.

"I don't know," Johanna whispered.

There was no sheet music on the rack in front of her and he smiled a little. "Then how do you know how to play it?"

She shrugged; her fingers still moving against the keys. "I don't know."

"It's always amazed me how you can do that," he murmured. "How you can just play some random piece of music from memory."

"I'm probably keeping you awake."

Jim shook his head. "No; I like to hear you play…but it sounds like a very sad song."

She nodded. "I suppose it is."

"I wish you wouldn't do this to yourself, Jo."

"Do what?" she asked; the last note of the music echoing in the air as her fingers ceased their movement.

"Colleen's issues aren't yours; you shouldn't carry the weight of them."

"I wish it was that easy."

"It can be if you let it. It's not your fault that Colleen has spent her whole life at war with herself, torn between loving you and being jealous of you. You've always done everything you could for her, Johanna. You put up with all that nonsense with her wedding, when she did nothing but intentionally irritate you and hurt you. When she wanted forgiveness for all of that, you gave it to her without batting an eye. When she came to your door crying because she was pregnant, you were the one that held her and convinced her that she could do the job…you offered to raise her child, if she felt like she couldn't. You went to doctor's appointments with her, you threw her a baby shower, you helped her decorate the nursery. You were in the delivery room with her because Paul wouldn't go; not just once but twice. When she called you crying and exhausted eight weeks later, you went and got Lindsey and kept her for the weekend so she could rest. You gave her all the help and support she needed and asked for. You watched her kids; we took her and the kids on vacation with us a few times. You've kept her secrets; you've let her cry on your shoulder, you've taken everything she's always dished out to you. You've loved her and you've done everything a sister can do; hell some might say that you've done more than a lot of sisters would do; because I've only touched on highlights, sweetheart. What more does she want from you? What happened has been explained to her; and I know it takes time to let it sink in and to get over that initial sting of hurt…but she's had more than enough time. Instead of thinking so much about what's been done to her, she ought to think about what's been done to you; what could've been done to you if you hadn't gone away."

Johanna's gaze remained locked upon the keys of the piano. "Apparently it's about more than that," she said softly. "Leaving and coming back were the straws that broke the camel's back…clearly she's resented me for a long time…even when I was doing all those things that you mentioned. I really am a fool, Jim. I thought we had a good relationship overall once we got past a few bumps…but I guess I didn't see the resentment lying beneath the surface."

"You're not a fool; you just love your sister."

She nodded. "More than she ever loved me I guess…maybe she never really loved me at all. How could she when she somehow always thought I was being favored over her? What universe does she even live in to think that Dad favored me over her? How can that even be possible in her mind? She was in the room the day he told me that he couldn't stand me…she heard every word of that conversation…all the hate he had for me; and she thinks he favored me because of a damn law degree. Dad never acted ashamed of her for being a decorator; he encouraged her to go to college, she didn't want to. He's the one that brought home the damn books for her to look through and interior decorating is what caught her eye; he never told her it wasn't good enough. He told her to apply and he paid the tuition…he wouldn't have paid for something he didn't think was worthy…we all know that."

"It's just her excuse, Jo. She thinks you were favored because she was jealous. Frank was proud of your success; he tried not to show it too much, but he was. She saw that and took it as favoritism."

She swallowed a lump in her throat as tears stung her eyes. "Do you know what I took as favoritism?"

"What?"

"All the times she got to sit on Dad's lap without being told that she was bothering him. All the times I got in trouble for something and she'd do the same thing and get off with a warning. The times when she could do whatever she wanted to my stuff and I had to understand that she was just a baby or just too little. How about how my grandfather had to pay for my cheerleading pictures because Frankie had to have football pictures and Colleen had to have dance pictures and Dad wasn't putting out another dime. All those times when I heard how Colleen caught a man before me; how it was no wonder because she wasn't mouthy like me. What about the times when…"

"Stop," Jim murmured; his fingers curling gently around her wrist. "None of that matters now."

"Apparently it does."

"No," he stated; "Don't let her get in your head like that. I thought you put Frank to rest."

She scoffed softly; a teardrop rolling down her cheek. "You can't honestly think that it ever goes away just because you find it within yourself to forgive someone, do you? Shouldn't the state of my life right now be proof of that? You've forgiven me for what I've done, but it's never going to go away…it's always going to be a sore spot, isn't it? Just like with Katie; she forgives, but she doesn't let you forget…and she can do that without even saying a word, you know? She gets that from my father. He never let me forget…he's been gone for twenty four years and I still haven't forgotten…and he still finds ways to creep in and remind me. Katie's the same way; she reminds me with a look or a sharp comment…by pushing me away. Colleen will never let me forget because she won't even consider forgiveness."

"What does any of this have to do with Katie?"

"Nothing; I was just making a statement."

"I think it's something more than that. Are you still upset about how she seems to pull away sometimes…about how she went to dinner with Martha but wouldn't come have dinner with you?"

"This isn't about Katie; it's about my sister!" she exclaimed.

"You're the one who brought her up."

Johanna sighed deeply. "I hate when you pick at things. I say one thing about someone else and you just have to jump all over it instead of staying on the topic. I was making a comparison statement."

"I only pick at things when I feel they need picked at," Jim replied.

"Well you're wrong this time."

"Doesn't sound like it."

"Jim, don't," she stated; her agitated hands smacking against the keys, a harsh note filling the air.

Normally he would've kept pressing forward, but tonight it felt like too much to subject her to. Colleen had left her raw; he was supposed to be soothing the wound, not picking at it and making it deeper.

"Colleen might come around in time," he offered.

"No she won't."

"You're right; she might not…and you're going to have to learn to be okay with that, Jo. It's her problem; not yours. You have plenty of people that love and accept you, that understand what had to be done. You don't need to waste all of this energy worrying about someone who only cares about herself and dwells on petty nonsense that happened decades ago. Frankie's right, she's an immature little bitch, she always has been and she always will be and the sooner you accept it, the better you'll feel."

"I always knew that you never liked my sister."

He blew out a breath. "It's hard to like someone who acts the way she does. Hell, there have been times when you didn't like her."

"That's different."

"How?"

"She's _my_ sister!"

Jim didn't feel like delving into the logic of that statement. "It's not like I hated her…there were just times when I didn't like her very much. I liked her a lot better than I like my brother William, if that makes you feel any better. Of course now they're more on an even keel."

"It doesn't matter," she whispered. "You won't be seeing her anyway. It's over and done with. I have my brother and my sister-in-law; they're all I need in the way of siblings. Just like with your family; it's fine that they don't want anything to do with me. Madelyn can go to hell as far as I'm concerned; she's just like your mother and God knows I don't need a second helping of Elizabeth Beckett. It's bad enough that I sometimes see her in my daughter's face and attitude. And Michael and Natalie don't seem interested in speaking to me either and I don't care; but they don't need to stop inviting you to have dinner with them because of it. You're capable of leaving me at home while you go; they don't need to act like I'm holding you hostage. And I never did like William so I really don't care what he thinks."

"I don't believe anyone has accused you of holding me hostage…they probably just know that I'm not going to have dinner someplace where you haven't been invited as well. You're my wife; we go together or we don't go at all. That's how it is."

Johanna shook her head. "No; they're your family and you should spend time with them. The last thing I ever wanted was to come between you and the people who matter most to you."

"You're the one who matters most to me, Johanna. You matter to me more than anyone in this world."

"You should still spend time with your siblings; they love you."

"If they really loved me as much as they claimed, they'd accept my wife."

"They don't have to."

"They're not the ones sleeping with you at night, I am."

She dipped her head for a moment. "Do you regret it?" she asked softly. "Do you ever think that maybe you were wrong to take me back when so many people seem to think so?"

He captured her chin, turning her face toward him so that she'd be forced to look at him. "I could never regret having you back, Jo; don't you ever think otherwise. Haven't we been through all of that before?"

"Yes…but I wouldn't blame you for wondering."

"Do you regret coming back?"

"No!" she exclaimed; her voice loud and firm.

"Then all that matters is that I want you here, that you want to be here, that we love each other…that this is how it was meant to be. We were meant to be, Johanna…that's why God made someone somewhere, spare you…you were meant to come back to me; we were meant to be here together, to make it back to where we belong. It hurt both of us, but we're here and everything is going to be fine."

The tears broke free. "It's supposed to be getting easier, but it just seems like it keeps getting harder. I wish I didn't care so much. I wish I could just write her off as easily as you make it sound but I can't…she's my sister and I love her and I want her to understand. I want her to be my sister again. There's a part of me that wants to stand on her porch and yell at her door until she has no choice but to let me in but I can't do that…and I can't call her…I can't make her listen. I can't change her mind. It hurts…I don't want it to hurt but it does, Jim. If I could make it go away so you didn't have to see it, I would, but I can't."

Jim pulled her into his arms, holding her tightly. "I know it hurts, sweetheart," he murmured, rocking her gently. "And I don't want you to hide your feelings from me. I always want to know when something hurts you so I can try to make it better. I wish I could fix this for you; I wish I could make Colleen an understanding human being and give you back your sister. I wish I could make all your hurt go away…I know it isn't easy; but one day you'll be able to let go and it'll be easier. You don't ever have to keep it from me. I'm here for you, just like always…maybe I get impatient or push too much when I shouldn't; but I always care, I always want to know…and I'm always going to do my best to make you feel better."

"I know," she answered with a shuddering breath as she clung to him.

"What can I do to make you feel better tonight, sweetheart?"

She pulled back enough to kiss him, her hand curled in the material of his shirt. "Make me forget for a little while," she whispered.

He kissed her tenderly. "Are you sure that's what you want?"

Johanna nodded. "You're the only one capable of the job."

Jim rose from the bench and held his hand out to her. She slipped her hand into his and rose from her place, following him as he led her to the door. He turned off the lights as they passed the switch and she breathed deeply; her emotions in turmoil. She needed comfort; the kind that could only be found in her husband's arms…he was her safe haven; the only one who could make her feel loved and cherished…who could make her forget the dramas and the hurts that awaited her in the world outside their door.

* * *

Jim spent the next few days doing everything he could think of to lift his wife's spirits. He had brought her candy and other little tokens of affection, he had fixed breakfast for her, set through her soap opera with her, kept her entertained with tales of his colleagues and the walls they kept running into with the case they were working. He gave her all of the love, attention and affection that he could while carefully refraining from any mention of Colleen. Personally, he'd like to drive to the Weston home and throttle his sister-in-law for lack of compassion and her thick skull that never allowed reason to enter her brain. He had liked Colleen well enough for the most part…and the other part of the time he had tolerated her for Johanna's sake…but now he felt inclined to give in to his true feelings about the woman. He couldn't stand her…and seeing her hurt Johanna the way she had elicited a feeling of hatred for the uppity brat who thought she was more than she really was.

He blew out a breath, his hand tightening on the steering wheel as he drove home. He had tried in vain to quietly wrangle Katie into coming to dinner during the last few days, thinking that perhaps it would be the just the thing to bring Johanna's spirits back up to where he'd like them to be. His daughter had declined…he was trying not to be bothered by that…he was trying not to read more into than he probably should. Jim shook away those thoughts. He could handle the job the alone; Johanna had been perking up, her smiles genuine and unforced, her texts through the day longer and sometimes sassier and playful. He was bringing her back around, he didn't need any help.

Jim glanced at the passenger seat where a small bouquet of pink and white roses laid along with a small gift bag. The scent of Italian food from their favorite restaurant wafted through the air of the car from its place on the back seat. He was pretty sure the evening he had planned would bring back that last little piece of her that was still lingering in the shadows of despair. She knew he was bringing home dinner, but he'd surprise her with the flowers and the small gift. He smiled a little as pulled into the driveway; he didn't like to see her sad…but he did love to spoil her.

It took a little juggling but he managed to gather up the bags containing their dinner and the flowers, gift bag and his briefcase and he hurried up the back steps to the door; fumbling with his keys as she pulled the curtain aside and looked out at him. She smiled at him and released the locks, saving him the trouble.

"I'm glad you're home," Johanna said warmly as he stepped inside the kitchen.

"Oh yeah?" he asked as he tried to hide the flowers for a moment.

"Mhmm; I missed you."

Jim held the bouquet out to her. "I missed you too."

She smiled; her expression soft as she accepted his offering. "What are these for?"

"Just because I love you."

"That's so sweet," she murmured; her fingertips caressing his face as she stepped closer to kiss him. "I love you too."

He drew her back for another kiss and then stepped away to set their dinner on the table. "I got our favorite," he told her.

"How did you know that's what I wanted?" she asked; her eyes sparkling with amusement.

"I'm just that damn good," he quipped. "I read your mind all the way from the office."

Johanna laughed. "You should use those powers more often…it might save you some trouble."

"But then you would be deprived of 'please forgive me' gifts and you wouldn't want that, now would you?"

"I don't know…sometimes I might like the option."

Jim chuckled quietly as he handed her the small gift bag. "Speaking of gifts…"

Johanna accepted the bag as she held his gaze. "You don't have to keep doing this," she said softly.

"Do what?"

"These little feel better presents."

Jim shook his head. "They're just because you're my wife presents…if they make you feel better in the process, that's a bonus…do they make you feel better?"

"Yes…but you make me feel better most of all."

"Good; then you won't be trading me in anytime soon."

"Never," she promised.

"Open your present," he said with a nod at the bag.

Johanna opened the bag and pulled out a DVD of The Sound of Music. She smiled and then glanced at her husband. "You bought me a musical?"

"Your favorite musical," he said with a nod. "You always said that movie made you feel good…that it was impossible to feel bad while watching it…and a late night search of your DVD collection revealed that you didn't have it…so I thought I'd get it for you and maybe you should watch it once a week or something."

"While you're at work, right?" she asked with a laugh.

Jim shook his head. "I'll watch it with you tonight."

Johanna gaze was part skeptical and part amused. "You're going to watch The Sound of Music with me? You, the hater of musicals?"

He nodded. "I'm definitely going to watch it with you."

"The last time you tried to watch this movie with me, Katie was five and it was on TV…you were asleep before Maria met the Von Trapp's."

"I'll do better this time," he promised; although truth be told, he wasn't all that big on the idea of watching a musical but the movie made her happy…and he wanted her to be happy.

"You do know that it's a long movie, right?"

"Aren't they all when it comes to this genre?"

She laughed. "I bet you ten dollars that you're asleep before Maria goes back to the convent."

"You're on," Jim told her, shaking her hand to seal the deal and then stealing a kiss. "I can make it through this movie."

"We'll see," Johanna replied. "As soon as dinner is cleaned up, we're going to put it on…maybe we should put it in the DVD player upstairs so I won't have to wake you to make you relocate."

"That suits me just fine but I'm going to be awake," he proclaimed. "You just wait and see."

* * *

A few hours later, the credits were rolling on the movie and Johanna glanced over at her husband who had fallen asleep a half hour into the movie. She smiled and combed her fingers through his hair before dipping her head to kiss his lips. "Honey," she said softly, giving him a nudge.

"Hmm?" Jim breathed; his eyes still closed.

"You lost the bet…you fell asleep."

"My wallet's on the dresser, sweetheart," he mumbled sleepily.

She laughed softly. "I don't want the money," she murmured; her lips skimming against his.

"Why not?" he asked as he forced his eyes open.

"Because I feel better," she replied. "You picked a very nice gift."

Jim smiled at her, his hand moving to cup her face. "I'm glad…I should've bought it sooner."

"No; the moment was just right," Johanna told him before capturing his lips in a kiss. "You always know just what to do."

Jim wasn't sure that was true as he pulled her into his arms, but he was glad that he had gotten it right this time.

* * *

Two days later as Kate approached the precinct, she felt like she had a lead weight in her stomach as she caught sight of the media congregated on the sidewalk. "What now?" she muttered to herself. She hadn't seen anything on the news and she hadn't seen anything in the newspaper…but something was definitely up.

She circled the block and headed for the garage entrance; hoping that there'd be an open space for her. The garage would shield her from her unwanted tormenters as they wouldn't be allowed in and she'd be able to take the elevator instead of going through the main entrance of the precinct. The officer on duty gave her a sympathetic smile as she rolled her window down.

"It's full, Detective; looks like everyone showed up for work today."

Kate blew out a breath but conjured up a smile for the officer. "That's just my luck."

"I'm really not supposed to but given the circumstances, I could save you a spot tomorrow."

She didn't want to cause him trouble; nor did she want her colleagues griping about special treatment. "Thanks for the offer but I'll just keep trying my luck."

The man gave her a nod. "Have a good day, Detective."

Kate gave him a wry smile. "I have a feeling that your day is going to be better than mine. Do you want to trade?"

"No, ma'am," he laughed.

"I don't blame you," she remarked as she backed up; turning and heading back toward the front of the building to find her usual parking spot.

She parked the car and then took a moment to prepare herself for whatever was coming. A glance in the rearview mirror showed that the reporters had already turned in her direction…and lingering off to the side in the background, trying to look inconspicuous and failing was Castle.

Kate sighed and pushed open her door and got out of the car; figuring there was no point in stalling in any longer.

"Detective Beckett!" the voices started calling out; their cameras clicking in a frenzy.

She ignored them; keeping her eyes focused on the entrance where Castle was lingering, two cups of coffee in hand.

"How do you feel about the investigation being launched against you?" one reporter called out.

Her stomach dropped and her breath caught. Internal Affairs hadn't even called her yet but the media already knew. It wasn't really a surprise; she had told Castle that they would find out but she didn't expect it to be so soon.

"Detective, what can you tell us?"

"Are you worried about what this could mean for your case against Senator Bracken?"

"Is your career in jeopardy?"

"Detective Beckett, it is true, isn't it?"

"Don't you have anything to say?"

"No comment," Kate said; surprised that her tone sounded so even and normal when inside she was faltering.

She pushed her way through the throng; a horde of uniforms sweeping out the door and pushing the reporters back away from her. Castle moved forward; juggling both cups in one hand as he gently grasped her elbow.

Kate grabbed one of the cups of coffee as he led her to the door; the reporters calling out both of them. They stayed quiet until they were on the elevator.

"And so the game begins," she remarked quietly.

"I thought they'd wait until you had actually talked to IA," Castle replied; swapping coffee cups with her as she had taken his by mistake.

"Why wait?" she said after taking a sip of her coffee; "It's way more fun for them to be in on it from the beginning."

He was quiet for a moment as the elevator continued its slow rise. "So do you think today is the day they're going to show up?"

"I don't know…it's possible. Or someone somewhere could just being amping up the pressure; making sure I haven't forgotten that they're after me."

The elevator halted on their floor and Castle gave her hand a quick squeeze. "It'll be okay."

Kate tried to smile but it wobbled…it was going to be one of those days when she wished that she had stayed in bed, with the covers pulled up over her head and the phone shut off.

* * *

Johanna was feeling brave again that morning after she finished her housework. She tried to resist the urge to go out, seeing as how the last time she had gone out she had run into Colleen, but as she looked around her spotless kitchen; it was all she really wanted to do. There was nothing pressing at home to keep her indoors. Jim was right; the house couldn't be any cleaner. The laundry was caught up; the ironing done and the clothes put away. Jim took care of the bill paying and she didn't feel the need to bake. Johanna sighed; maybe she was too efficient at housekeeping. She could always read...she was only on the second volume of her grandmother's diaries but she had decided to take her husband's advice and had slowed down her pace. She wanted to make them last as long as possible. Suddenly the thought of making a trip to the book store popped into her mind. Winter was coming; she should stock up on books for those winter days when they were snowbound.

The idea was very appealing. She did seem to be itching to get out and maybe while she was out she would take some time to browse in a few department stores as well. There was a flutter of nerves in her stomach as she picked up her phone from the counter and hit Jim's number. Everything would be fine, she told herself. This was just another step in the process. She would be fine. No one would bother her. The line clicked and Jim's voice sounded in her ear. "What's wrong?" he asked; worry filling him as she usually didn't call so early in the day.

"Nothing's wrong," Johanna answered. "I just wanted to tell you that I'm going out for a little while. I thought I'd go to the bookstore... maybe go in some other stores too."

Jim blew out a breath. "Johanna, I don't think you should be venturing into the city on your own yet."

"Why not? It's not like it's that far away. I feel like getting out for awhile. I did fine when I visited Valerie."

"Visiting relatives is one thing; going out shopping by yourself is another. If you want to go to the bookstore, wait and I'll take you when I get home."

"I don't want to wait," she remarked. "I want to go now. I don't have anything else to do today."

"If you want to go out, then go back to Valerie's; that's as far as you need to go right now," Jim told her.

She felt her temper rising. "I want to shop...and I'm going to. I wasn't calling for your permission; I was calling to inform you."

There was silence on the line and she could vividly image him counting to ten in his head. "Johanna, stay home. You can shop online or wait for me to take you when I'm finished here."

"I don't want to shop online and I don't want to wait for you. You're already in the city; I know right where you are if I need you. I'll have my phone and I'll take all the precautions we talked about. I'll be fine."

"Don't rush things," he said firmly, unease filling him at the thought of her being out in the city alone. "Stick to visiting people for now; okay? I promise to take you shopping."

"You're my husband; not my boss!" she exclaimed as her patience wore thin. "I said I'm going and that's all there is to it. Things are quiet right now and I'll be in well populated areas. Everything is going to be fine; just like it was the other day."

There was silence once more on his end of the line until she heard Zach's voice in the background. "Jim; tell her to have a nice time and let her go do her shopping. She'll be fine. If she has any trouble, she can call and we'll all go running."

She heard Jim's sigh of resignation in her ear. "Fine; Jo; do what you want; you always do."

"Jim...don't."

"I'm sorry," he said after a moment. "I just don't want you out on the street by yourself yet. Call me when you get to where you're going."

"I will," she promised. "It'll be okay. I love you."

"I love you too."

Johanna said goodbye and ended the call before expelling a weighted breath. He didn't realize that his resistance only caused her to be more nervous...but she was going to do it anyway. It would be fine...wouldn't it? She certainly hoped so...she might enjoy saying I told you so...but she didn't really like the idea of having it said to her.

* * *

Castle shifted in his chair later that morning, the tension unbearable as he watched Kate's expression while she answered the phone on her desk. He hated this, he wished he could make it all go away for her but he didn't know how. He felt helpless and even though he did his best to hide it, he was just as worried as she was.

"I'll be there," Kate said before hanging up the phone. She took a breath; rubbing her palms against her jeans before she looked to Castle.

"IA?" he asked.

She nodded. "Yeah; they want me to come down to 1PP…now."

"Why there? I thought they'd come here."

"They don't want me on home turf, Castle. They want me on their playground."

"I'll come with you."

"You can't," she whispered. "You know that."

"I'll wait in the car."

Kate gave him a small smile. "When have you ever waited in the car, Castle?"

"I'm turning over a new leaf."

She covered his hand with hers. "Believe me; I wish I could take you with me…but I can't. It's out of my control."

"I know," he murmured.

She released a shaky breath and then rose from her chair. "I'm sure Gates already knows and she's just giving me a minute but I better go tell her I have to leave."

"I'll gather up your stuff for you," he offered; needing to do something.

"Thank you," she whispered.

While she was talking to Gates, he pulled her bag from her desk drawer and tucked her phone into the pocket and then set her keys next to it. He shared a look with Ryan and Esposito; the words not needing to be said as they all knew that the moment had come. Finally Kate left the captain's office and she pulled on her jacket and picked up her keys and purse.

"I'll at least walk you to the car," Castle said as he fell into step with her.

She gave him a nod and then smiled at Ryan and Esposito. "Don't look at me like I'm on my way to an execution, guys. I'll be back…it'll be fine."

"Of course it will," Esposito agreed.

"We'll just hold down the fort until you get back," Ryan added.

She and Castle continued on and as they waited for the elevator, she glanced at him and whispered; "I should've told my mother…I should've called while I was sitting here worrying…now she's probably going to hear about it on the news before I get a chance to tell her."

The doors slid open and they stepped inside the elevator. "Do you want me to call her? Or I can go over and talk to her while you're at your meeting," he offered.

Kate shook her head. "I don't want her to think I pawned the job off on you; she'll think I'm blaming her…she needs to hear it from me. I won't be able to answer my phone; so if she hears before I get to talk to her; she might call you if she can't get me."

"What do you want me to tell her?"

"Tell her that I'm okay and that I'm sorry…and that I'll be over tonight to talk to her about all of it."

"Okay; I'll make sure she knows that if she calls me…but I will go ahead and go talk to her about it if you'd rather me do that."

"No; Castle…this was my mistake and I have to fix it. I thought I was doing what was best for her…and for me, and I was wrong. Just tell her I'll be over tonight if she calls."

He nodded and then reached out and pushed the button to pause the elevator. "You could just call her now."

"I can't…not right now. I have to stay focused for whatever it is I'm in for. It'll have to be tonight."

Castle pulled her into his arms and held her tightly as she melted against him; her fingers digging into his back as she inhaled his scent. "Don't worry," he told her.

"It's too late for that," she murmured.

He tilted her face up and kissed her. "I love you."

"I love you too," Kate said softly as she burrowed against his chest.

"No matter what happens, Kate; everything will be okay…you'll see."

She nodded against him; knowing that was what he wanted…and she desperately wanted to believe it…needed to believe it. She allowed herself a moment to crumble as she remained in the circle of his arms and then she put herself back together.

"I better getting going, Rick," she said as she pushed the button to restart the elevator. "The sooner I get there, the sooner it's over with."

* * *

Johanna had stopped in at a few different stores on the way to the book store and didn't realize that she had been spotted on the sidewalk until she heard the click of a camera. Her body tensed as she looked behind her and caught sight of a small horde of media members tailing her down the sidewalk. She walked faster; why had she ventured out today? Just because she had made the trip to Valerie's without any trouble didn't mean she should've taken the big leap of going into the city for a little shopping. Her father had been right; she really didn't have the sense god gave a goose.

She could hear footsteps hurrying behind her and her stomach clenched as she prayed that they'd just go away. She dipped her head; her hair shielding the side of her face as she tried to casually hurry on her way.

"Mrs. Beckett," one of the reporters called out. "When are you going to share your story?"

Never, she thought to herself. They seemed to be slow at catching on to that.

"Mrs. Beckett; where were you hiding?"

"How did it feel?"

"What made you decide to come home now?"

The questions swirled around her as usual and her hand tightened on the strap of her purse. Why couldn't they leave her alone?

"Don't you think you owe everyone an explanation?"

"Did you always defend mob members?"

"How does it feel to know you ruined so many lives?"

"How much was Joe Pulgotti paying you to get him out of prison?"

"How can you be so sure that Senator Bracken is responsible for your problems?"

Johanna couldn't stand it; all of those voices in her ear; loud voices attracting even more attention to her…so everyone would know she was on the street. They kept getting closer to her; boxing her in on all sides; the flashes of their cameras going off in every direction. She felt her hand tremble and she shoved it into her pocket. She should've listened to Jim. She should've stayed home.

"Where's your husband, Mrs. Beckett?"

"Why was Mr. Castle accompanying you on your errands the other day instead of your husband?"

"Is it true that he's having second thoughts about taking you back?"

The question about the state of her marriage made her feel sick. Why did they have to go there? And for that matter, where was it written that a couple had to be glued to each other's hip every hour of every day?

"Was that photo of you and your daughter staged?"

"Why haven't we seen the two of you out together if things are going so well between you?"

"Don't you have anything to say, Mrs. Beckett?"

"Aren't you going to defend yourself against the accusations Adam Bracken has been making against you? Or does your silence mean they're true?"

"How did the F.B.I. find out that your life was in danger?"

Johanna tried to increase her pace but she was surrounded; they were suffocating her; their words bouncing off of her like rocks. All of those why, when, and how's were slowly strangling her.

"How do you feel about the things Adam Bracken is saying about you and your daughter?"

"How do you feel about your daughter being investigated by Internal Affairs over the matter of Bracken's arrest?"

Johanna froze in her tracks; the words spilling from her lips before she could stop them. "That's a lie!"

The reporters were tickled to finally get a response out of the tight lipped, reclusive Johanna Beckett and their rapid fire statements increased ten fold.

"It's not a lie," one of them informed her. "Detective Kate Beckett is being investigated by Internal Affairs in the matter of the arrest of Senator William Bracken."

She felt her blood run cold. That couldn't be true. Kate would've told her. She shook her head. "No…it's a lie."

"It isn't," yet another insisted. "The news was released by Adam Bracken's press secretary.

The knot in her stomach tightened. This couldn't be happening.

"Why didn't you know about the investigation, Mrs. Beckett?"

"If you and your daughter are on such good terms, shouldn't you have been aware that she was being investigated?"

"Why did she keep this from you? Is she getting even for the secrets you've kept from her?"

"How will you feel if Senator Bracken is released if the investigation goes against your daughter?"

The mention of Bracken's possible release made her stomach turn and for a moment she was sure she'd be sick right there on the sidewalk. That couldn't happen; there was too much evidence…the F.B.I had cleared everything…shouldn't their word overrule the NYPD's division of Internal Affairs? Oh God…what if he bought his way out? What if it started all over again? He'd kill her and Katie for sure this time…maybe he was already planning it. Why hadn't Kate told her about this? Why did she leave her in the dark?

The world felt like it was crashing down around her again and she needed to get away. She tried to press forward but the reporters refused to move and they had her blocked on every side. "Let me go, please," she murmured.

Her words only made them continue on in their onslaught and she was tempted to pull her phone from her pocket and call the precinct for help but she couldn't. She didn't want to wait for help to arrive. She needed to get away; she needed to get home. What if one of these so called reporters was on Bracken's payroll; what if…her mind was full of so many what if's as she struggled to break free but they had her trapped like a rabbit.

"Back off my sister," Johanna heard a firm male voice saying from somewhere in the crowd. Before she could turn to look, Frankie was next to her, taking hold of her arm as Valerie slid in on her opposite side; both of them serving as a buffer between her and the horde of slimy reporters that had surrounded her.

"Who are you?" a reporter demanded to know.

"I'm her brother," Frankie stated. "Now get the hell away from her. Where were you trying to go, Johanna?"

"The book store," she murmured distractedly. "I just wanted to get a book."

"We'll get you there," he replied; keeping hold of her arm while Valerie took her hand.

"How do you feel about being lied to for 13 years?" one of the reporters yelled at Frankie. "Aren't you angry?"

Frankie shot the man a glare. "If the options were to be lied to or for my sister to really be dead; we'd always choose the lie. I can assure all of you that our family prefers her to be alive; and if lying to us for awhile was the only way to keep her on this earth with us, than so be it. Now you all need to back off and let her alone or we're going to start filing harassment charges."

Frankie began to pull her forward as he pushed through the crowd and she lowered her head as the din of voices followed behind them. "Don't you lower your head," her brother stated. "You're last name may be Beckett but you're still a McKenzie and McKenzie's never lower their heads, remember?"

"I remember," she said softly.

"You have nothing to be ashamed of; you didn't do anything wrong. The wrong doing was done by that murdering bastard that's sitting behind bars."

Apparently the world disagreed; Johanna thought as the crowd disregarded Frankie's warnings and followed behind them; their voices still calling out to her and her brother. It felt so chaotic and suffocating…and that one voice in the crowd kept calling out questions about Kate's IA investigation and the possibility that Bracken could go free if things somehow went wrong.

Her chest began to feel tight; it felt harder to breathe. She felt like she was having some sort of out of body experience as she began to gasp for breath. She felt herself clutching Valerie's hand as if it was an anchor; she could hear her sister-in-law saying, "Frankie, something's wrong," but their voices sounded tunneled and far away. She felt shaky and afraid but she couldn't speak.

"Jo," she heard her brother saying as his arm wrapped around her securely. With her free hand, she managed to grab hold of his coat and she held on as if she was on a sinking ship that was going down.

"Is she having an asthma attack?" someone asked but the question went ignored as Frankie searched for a place to guide his sister. Fear was gripping him as she gasped for breath. Finally, he pulled her to the side of a building, getting them out of the way as they stepped into a narrow alley but the vultures followed.

"Johanna, can you hear me?" Frankie asked as he positioned her with her back against the wall. She managed a nod and some of his fear abated.

"Should we call an ambulance?" a reporter asked.

"How about backing up and giving us some space so she can breathe; better yet, get the hell out of here like you were told," he retorted angrily before glancing worriedly at his wife.

"I think she's having some sort of anxiety attack," Valerie said softly as she rubbed Johanna's hand. "We have to try to calm her down and then she'll come out of it."

Frankie pulled his sister into his arms without hesitation. "You're okay, Johanna. I've got you. Just breathe; everything's going to be okay."

Her eyes closed and she tried to bring herself under control as she focused on his voice.

"I'm not going to let anything happen to you, Jo," he told her. "Try to calm down. Valerie and I are right here with you. You're going to be okay."

Johanna clung to him; one hand still wrapped around Valerie's in a tight grip but she felt some normalcy returning to her body; the tightness easing enough to allow her to draw a deep breath.

"That's it," Frankie said; a hand rubbing her back. "Take a few breaths."

"Follow Frankie's breathing," Valerie whispered to her.

She managed to match her breathing to her brother's and she came out of the attack; humiliation filling her as she caught the flash of a camera, and a sob broke free as she buried herself in her brother's embrace.

"It's alright, Johanna," her brother murmured.

She shook her head. "I want to go home…I want Jim."

"We'll get you home," Valerie assured her. "Did you drive or did you take a cab."

"I have my car," she whispered; hot tears continuing to spill down her cheeks as she kept her face turned away from the media.

"Valerie will drive you in your car," Frankie said quietly in her ear. "I'll follow behind the two of you. Are you ready?"

Johanna nodded and swiped at her cheeks; she was going to be splashed across the headlines before she even made it back to her door. She should've listened…she should've stayed home. She wouldn't make this mistake again.

…to be continued


	14. Chapter 14

_Authors Note: Thanks for your reviews!_

Chapter 14- Harder to Breathe- Part 1

' _Is there anyone out there because it's getting harder and harder to breathe' – Maroon 5_

As Jim made the drive toward home, he did his best to squash his irritation but he could feel himself failing. She just couldn't listen…she always had to be so damn stubborn. He was angry; angry at his wife for not staying home; angry with his daughter for letting him out of the loop once again…angry at the world at large for disrupting the fragile state of peace they had been living in. Why couldn't Johanna just listen for once?

He was about to make the turn to circle around to the back of the house to pull in the driveway but he caught sight of Frankie standing on the front porch. He continued going straight; pulling up behind Frankie's car in front of the house. His brother-in-law came down the steps and met him on the sidewalk.

"How is she?" Jim asked as he paused before him.

"Calmer than she was but she's still pretty upset," Frankie answered. "Valerie's in there with her."

"Tell me again what happened."

"Valerie and I were at a furniture store looking at a new living room suit. We were at the front of the store and we could hear people yelling outside. I went to the window to see what was going on. I saw a horde of reporters and they were surrounding someone; I couldn't tell who it was at first until I heard them say 'Mrs. Beckett'. I caught a glimpse of her then as she tried to get away from them but they weren't letting her go. I yelled for Valerie and we went out and pushed our way through until we got to her. As we were leading her away, they continued to follow; yelling their questions about Katie and her IA investigation. Someone kept mentioning the possibility of Bracken going free and she went into a panic attack."

"How bad was it?" Jim asked.

Frankie shoved his hands in his pockets, looking sheepish as he made a confession. "She scared the hell out, Jim. It was like she couldn't breathe. I know it probably didn't last as long as it seemed but it felt like it lasted for a long time. Those bastards…they kept filming and taking pictures while we're trying to pull her out of it. I'd like to have their names…better yet, I wish I could've just decked them all then and there but I had to take care of Jo. When the attack finally ended, she burst into tears; she's so embarrassed…she just wanted to come home…she wanted you."

Jim scrubbed a hand over his face as he released a weighted breath. "I'm glad you were there, Frankie; God only knows what would've happened if you hadn't been."

"You should probably thank Valerie for that. She finally nagged me enough about wanting to look for new living room furniture that I took the day off to take her just to shut her up."

He gave a short quiet laugh. "You have good timing for giving in at the right moment."

Frankie nodded. "And my sister picked the right side of the street to window shop on."

"I told her to stay home."

"She mentioned that."

"Did she?"

"Yeah; when we got her home she said that you were already mad at her for going out and now you were going to be even madder…and that she deserved it."

The words dampened his anger a little bit; she had already been punished and he'd do his best not to rub salt in the wound. "I guess I better get in there," he stated. "I'm surprised we don't have a few guests camped out here yet."

"They're probably after Katie now. Jo said she didn't know anything about this investigation."

"We haven't heard anything about it but once I'm sure Johanna's settled I'm going to call Katie and get to the bottom of it. I'm getting a little tired of being the last to know everything."

"I don't blame you," Frankie replied as they moved up the steps to the door.

Jim could here the soft voices of the women as he stepped inside and headed in the direction of the living room. Johanna was sitting at the far end of the couch, her legs pulled up against her; bringing back a long ago memory of Naomi once saying that her daughter always sat like that when she felt the need for a protective shell. Her gaze met his and he could see her bracing herself for his anger. He thought he had it under control…he thought it had been dampened moments before…but suddenly he was feeling it again and the words spilled from his lips before he could stop them. "I guess the next time I tell you to stay home, you'll listen."

Her gaze dropped to her lap. "I'm sorry," she murmured.

For some reason her reaction angered him further. While it was true that she was always apologetic when she had done something wrong, she wasn't always so passive about it. "Is that all you have to say?" he asked.

Hey eyes met his once more. "What more do you want me to say, Jim? I didn't listen…and now I'll pay the price by being publicly humiliated…does that make you feel better?"

That was more like her, he thought to himself; and the rebuke was like a bucket of cold water being thrown on his temper. Valerie reached for his wife's hand and took it. "Do you want to go home with us?" she asked her. "Because you can; you can spend the night."

Jim's eyes widened. "Valerie!"

"What?" she asked. "I'm only offering her an alternative if she doesn't want to stay here and be brow beaten by you. I thought you'd come in here and console your wife but instead you're ready to lecture her like she's a naughty child who needs put on time out."

"Val," Frankie warned.

"If he can dish it out he should be able to take it."

Johanna gave her sister-in-law a small smile as she squeezed her hand. "I appreciate the offer, Val; but I'll stay here and pay the piper. I deserve it…and I'll take it."

"If you change your mind, you call and we'll come back and get you."

"I'm not going to beat her with a hanger, Valerie," Jim commented.

"Well you don't need to act like an ogre," she replied. "I expect better of you."

He smiled. "I'll try not to disappoint you anymore."

"Come on, Val," Frankie said as he eyed his wife. "Let's go home and let them have this argument without an audience."

Johanna rose from the sofa as Valerie did and she accepted the hug her sister-in-law wrapped her in. "Don't worry; it'll be okay. I'll call you this evening."

"Okay, I'll talk to you later," she replied as she released her and followed her to Frankie's side. She embraced her brother without warning but he didn't hesitate to return the gesture. "Thank you," she told him softly. "Mom was right; you are a good big brother…when you want to be."

He laughed as she stepped back a pace. "Don't go acting like this is the first time I've saved your ass. I beat up that kid on the playground that pushed you down, now didn't I?"

"Yeah; you did," she said with a smile. "You got him good."

"And when that guy in high school was bugging you; I slammed him up against the locker and he left you alone."

Johanna nodded. "Yes he did; you were very intimidating."

"I wish I could've knocked around a few of those bastards today."

She gave him a shaky smile; ducking her head a little as the shame washed over her. "I think you did just fine."

Frankie bumped her chin upward with his knuckles and held her gaze. "McKenzie," he stated.

"McKenzie," she replied with a nod of understanding.

"Call if you need anything," he told her.

"I will."

They said their goodbyes to Jim and then left; leaving Johanna alone with her husband. She stood in the middle of the living room, waiting for whatever he had in store once he finished locking the door. His anger was obvious…she didn't blame him…but for some reason she always liked to be standing when she was being yelled at.

Jim re-entered the room and saw her waiting; her arms crossed in front of her, her face weary and her eyes conveying the silent message of 'get it over with'. She looked so small, standing there in her bare feet; the weight of the world pressing down on her shoulders. His anger abated and he crossed the room, drawing her into his arms once he reached her. "I'm sorry," he told her as she sank into his embrace.

A sob broke free and he held her tightly as she cried. "Why didn't Katie tell me?" she asked. "Why would she keep this from us?"

"I don't know, sweetheart; but I'll find out, you mark my words on that."

"He's going to get out of this," Johanna cried. "He's going to get away with it."

"No he isn't."

"Yes he is," she said, her fingers clenching the material of his suit jacket. "He's going to buy his way out and it's all going to start over again; we're never going to be safe. It's never going to end. He's going to get out."

Jim could feel her losing control; the fear overtaking her and making her tremble. He took hold of her arms and pushed her back a pace so that he could look into her face. "Bracken isn't getting out of this, Johanna. He just wants you to think that he is."

"He's got power and connections…he's going to get out and he's going to come back for us…he'll go after Katie…he'll get her first to torment me and then he'll finish the job. It's never going to go away…"

"Stop," he told her as he shook her a little. "That's not going to happen."

"Yes it is; you don't know that it won't."

"Yes I do," he replied; shaking her again. "I want you to listen to me, Johanna; I want you to stop…I know you're afraid but you need to turn that off…you need to turn off the part of your brain that functions as Katie's mother. I need you to start thinking like a lawyer again; do you understand?"

She shook her head as she tried to get a hold of her emotions. "I need you to think like the lawyer that you are; I need you to think about all of the evidence against this man; the crimes he committed that have nothing to do with you and Katie that the police and F.B.I. have plenty of evidence of thanks to legal search warrants and diligent digging. I want you to think about the evidence they have in relation to your case…that file that was sent to Captain Gates had all the proof that was needed no matter what comes of yours and Katie's involvement the day of the arrest. Ryan and Esposito had the arrest warrant with them when they got there…what does that mean, Johanna?"

"That there was enough evidence for probable cause."

"Right; and what does it mean that bail was denied?"

"That there was a lot of evidence against him and they deemed him a flight risk."

"Exactly; what does it mean when a defendant has people out working the publicity machine for them?"

"That they're trying to sway potential jury members and garner public sympathy."

"And why do they need to do that?"

"Because they're guilty."

"And?"

A shuddering breath wracked her frame. "And because they're afraid they won't be able to prove otherwise based on evidence alone."

"That's right…and if you had no connection whatsoever to this case and all of that evidence against him was put on your desk to use against him; what would you think? What would Johanna McKenzie Beckett think if this was her case that she was taking to trial?"

Her eyes closed for a moment and then flicked open and focused on his. "She'd think it was a slam dunk and consider going home early once it was organized."

Jim smiled; his hand moving to cradle her cheek as he nodded. "Exactly…and you're a good lawyer, Jo; your instincts rarely ever let you down. You would've felt very confident with this case when you looked at everything. You would've been all over it; preparing ever last piece of it and a closing argument that would be the final nail in the coffin. You need to keep thinking of this case in the capacity of a lawyer, sweetheart; and I know that's going to be easier said than done but I think you'll sleep easier at night if you do your best to keep this frame of mind."

She nodded; pressing her cheek more firmly against his palm. "One of the best prosecutors in New York is on this case," he told her. "You know Nathaniel Bailey's reputation as well as I do. Bracken doesn't stand a chance; that's why he has his little brother out there trying to discredit you and Katie; trying to make the two of you the bad guys. It's not going to work; he's going to pay for this…he's going to prison and he's never getting out. Deep down in your gut you know that…the lawyer side of you knows…listen to it."

"I'll try," she whispered. "But I don't understand why Katie left us in the dark about this. I would've never left this house if I had known."

He pulled her back into his arms for a hug. "I don't know why she did it…it seems to be standard behavior for her…and it's time that ends. I'm going to move my car around back and then I'm going to call her and find out, okay? I want you to relax; everything is going to be fine."

Johanna wished that she could believe that but at the moment it was hard to do so. By morning everyone would've seen the video of her…by morning she'd be a laughing stock and she'd never be able to show her face again. She reluctantly released her husband as he pulled back; brushing a kiss against her lips before leaving her in the living room so that he could move his car to the driveway. A shuddering breath crossed her lips; every time she thought she was getting somewhere, someone had to knock her back down the ladder.

* * *

The heels of Kate's boots echoed off the paneled walls of the Internal Affairs building, mingling with the sounds of office phones and the whirl of copiers and fax machines as she walked the long corridor. She was just glad that she was heading for the elevator this time. Her mind was full and her nerves on edge; she just wanted to escape. The wait she had to endure once she had arrived hadn't helped matters. She had spent forty-five minutes sitting on a hard bench in the hallway, waiting to be called in for her meeting.

Kate wasn't sure if there was a legitimate excuse for the wait or if it had been done to make her squirm and give her the feeling of being sent to the principal's office. A sign declaring that cell phones be turned off or set to vibrate, warned her against texting Castle for company and moral support. She didn't want anyone to think that she was circling the wagons somewhere. She thought she'd feel relieved once the secretary showed to her to the office, but she hadn't. The dark paneled room with its equally dark furniture had an air of foreboding about it. The two stern looking figures sitting behind the table made her stomach queasy.

 _They introduced themselves as Detectives Grant and Sterling and directed her to the wooden chair that sat a few feet in front of their table. Detective Grant explained the reason for the call and the impending investigation. When he finished, he asked her if she understood._

 _"I understand, Sir," she replied. "What I don't understand is why."_

 _"Because a complaint as been made," Grant answered, his meaty looking fingers interlocking on the table top._

 _"By Adam Bracken," she stated._

 _"Yes; but the person making the complaint makes no difference."_

 _Kate highly doubted that. "Sir, with all due respect, Mr. Bracken wasn't present at the scene of his brother's arrest."_

 _"Mr. Bracken feels you were acting on a personal vendetta and despite not being at the scene, he has a right to file a complaint."_

 _"And you can't deny that your mother is at the heart of this case, can you, Detective?" Sterling asked. "That would make a case for personal involvement."_

 _She bit the inside of her cheek to keep herself from losing her patience. "No; I can't deny that; but it in no way affected my ability to do my job. Senator Bracken's name wasn't picked at random; the evidence led us to him. The F.B.I. cleared this arrest and took over the case."_

 _"That doesn't matter," Grant answered. "When a complaint has been made against one of our people, it must be investigated regardless of the ruling of a higher agency. I know it's an inconvenience, Detective Beckett, but it's one you'll have to deal with."_

 _She was afraid of that, and she imagined that it would be a long process._

 _"If you've done nothing wrong in your investigation and ultimate arrest of Senator Bracken, you shouldn't have anything to worry about," Sterling said; his cold gray eyes boring into her._

 _"I didn't do anything wrong," Kate stated firmly; wondering if Sterling was one of Adam Bracken's golf buddies. She also wondered if she could find out without raising any red flags. Detective Grant wore a mask of neutrality…and she couldn't say for certain that Sterling was against her. They could be hard nosed as everyone claimed. They could be dedicated to the job; doing their best to look at both sides and make the right decision. Or they could be on the Bracken payroll as well as the city's._

 _Grant's voice droning on broke through her train of thought and she forced herself to focus._

 _"…We'll be going over everything and conducting interviews; among those will be your Captain and Detectives Ryan and Esposito since they are listed as participating officers in this arrest. Today's meeting was to notify you of the investigation; we'll be calling you again at a future date to discuss things further. If you have anything that you feel will aid in your defense, I suggest you prepare it and have it ready if necessary. Do you have any questions?"_

 _"Am I being removed from duty?" Kate asked._

 _"No," Grant answered; "There's no cause for removal from duty at this time. Anything else?"_

 _She shook her head; "Not at the moment."_

 _Grant picked up a business card from the table and held it out to her. "If you have any questions, you can call the number on this card and they'll be able to help you."_

 _"Thank you, Sir," she replied as she accepted it and slid it into her pocket, taking every measure to keep her face as void of thought and emotion as theirs was._

 _"Good luck, Detective," he told her. "You may return to your precinct."_

 _She gave a nod and walked away, her head held high. "And so it begins," she thought to herself._

The ding of the elevator shook Kate from the memory of her meeting. The steel doors slid open and she stepped inside. Once she was concealed she allowed her head to lower, the feelings of frustration and worry to wrap around her once more. Sterling's largely quiet presence niggled at her, but she figured that Grant was the superior on the case and therefore did most of the talking. There was no sense in over analyzing based on one brief meeting. She'd have time to better gauge them later on…and maybe Castle could do a little Googling on this computer at some point if her suspicions kept her up at night.

* * *

Kate wasn't surprised to see the media circus waiting on her when she arrived back at the precinct; but her stomach clenched anyway, a little voice in the back of her mind reminding her once again that she should've told her mother. She blew out a breath; there was nothing she could do about it now. She'd just have to call as soon as she got inside and hope that she had gotten to her before she caught the latest news cycle…because surely she wouldn't change her stance about avoiding as much news as possible, right? There was time; she'd get to her…quick phone call explanation and the promise of a face to face visit to hash it out further. It would be fine, she told herself as she parked the car. Everything would be fine. She hoped…the knots in her stomach however seemed to have doubts.

As she got out of the car; the voices of reporters filled the air and she closed her eyes…wishing that just this once she had a pair of sunglasses to hide behind like her mother did.

 _"Detective Beckett, what can you tell us about this investigation?"_

 _"Have you been suspended?_

 _"If you're on such good terms with your mother, why didn't you tell her that you were being investigated?"_

The question made her pause on the sidewalk; a sick feeling welling up within her. How did they know that she hadn't told her mother?

 _"Why didn't you tell her, Detective?"_

 _"Why do you keep lying about being on good terms when you clearly aren't? Your mother was completely blindsided by the news of your investigation and the implications it could have on the case against Senator Bracken."_

Oh God, she thought to herself…surely someone hadn't gone and knocked on her mother's door and put that fear into her mind. She turned toward the sea of voices, trying to seek out the one who kept yelling questions about her relationship with her mother. "What do you know about what my mother and I discuss?" she asked tartly.

A reporter with a cocky grin and a mop of black curly hair stepped forward just enough to make his presence known. "We know all about it, Detective. Some of us ran into your mother today while she was out shopping…she was surprised to hear the news…to say the least."

Her heart missed a beat at the malicious glee in his eyes. "What did you do to her?" she demanded as she stepped closer; her demeanor menacing.

He laughed. "It's not what I did; it's what you did. You kept secrets from your mommy, and now the world knows all about how that happy family angle is a fake."

"What did you do to my mother," she repeated; her tone demanding and taunt.

The reporter smirked. "Don't blame me if your mother is unstable, Detective…perhaps if she was better informed she'd be able to take things in stride."

She had this terrible feeling that something far crueler had been done to her mother besides just giving her the news of the investigation and she stared down her new nemesis, letting him know that she wouldn't budge until she had answers. The grin slid across his face and he stepped into her space as he fiddled with the small handheld video camera that he held. "See for yourself," he stated; as if he read her mind.

The video on the camera began to play and Kate watched as her mother came into focus on the screen; she hadn't noticed that she was being followed as she window shopped…alone…but then she must've heard the click of a camera or caught a reflection in the store window because she saw her tense and glance back over her shoulder. Her mother then increased her pace, the media following behind her, shouting out questions, surrounding her as she tried to get away. And then there was the moment when the man holding the camera broke the news of the IA investigation and Johanna Beckett paused and called him a liar. Her heart twisted as she studied her face; her eyes hidden behind her sunglasses, her face paling and the line of her jaw becoming tense. She saw her fingers curling around the strap of her purse as she asked them to let her go…but they wouldn't…they kept after her and then finally someone swept in to rescue her. Kate recognized her uncle and aunt as they moved into place on either side of her mother; her uncle doing the talking, trying to drive the reporters away…and then she saw her mother's demeanor change once again, saw her gasping for breath as Frankie tried to pull her to safety.

Fury filled her as the man continued to record her mother as she battled her panic attack; fighting for every breath of air as her brother tired to calm her. And then when it was over, she could feel the humiliation that her mother must've felt as she burst into tears and asked to be taken home.

The reporter's laugh broke Kate's focus. "I guess she doesn't like surprises."

She lunged at him without any thought at all; her hands gripping his coat as she got in his face. "You bastard; you see that she's in distress and you keep filming her! What kind of monster are you!"

"Let go of me, Detective," he sneered.

"You are the scum of the earth," she told him. "How do you sleep at night knowing what you do to people? Why didn't you just leave her alone? Why didn't you have the decency to stop filming her!"

"It's news," he laughed. "Guess you should've told her…maybe then she wouldn't have fallen apart. It's not my fault."

Kate shook him. "Give me the tape."

"No way, lady," he grinned. "And even if I did give it to you; it would be too late. It's already saved to my computer…and it's already been sold. It made me a pretty penny too; Johanna Beckett's first words to the media…and then her very public meltdown…yeah; that was a very nice pay day for me. If you do happen to talk to your mother, thank her for me."

Rage made her see red; made her forget that she herself was being filmed at that moment. "You son of a bitch; if you ever go near her again, I'll…"

"You'll what?" he taunted. "If you're going to hit me, do it…it'll look real good on your record and on the screen down at the offices of IA. Go ahead, Beckett…do it. Defend mommy's honor; that'll guarantee you the headline at five."

She pushed him backward, momentum sending him to the ground as Ryan and Esposito pushed through the crowd. "I could press charges for that," the reporter yelled.

"Do it," she told him as Esposito pushed her a step back; Castle stepping forward and grabbing her arm and pulling her away. "I want his name, Ryan," she yelled as she was led to the door.

She and Castle didn't speak as they waited for the elevator and once they were enclosed inside it, agitation made her pace. "Kate; you didn't do yourself any favors with what you just did," he murmured.

"I know that, Castle," she retorted; angry at herself for losing control. "Do you know what they did? Do you know what they did to her?"

He nodded. "I know…a friend at the Ledger sent me the video. It's already on the internet and being passed around to every news source you can think of."

Great," she stated as she smacked her hand against the elevator.

He reached out and pressed the button to pause the elevator. "It's going to be okay."

"No it isn't!" Kate exclaimed. "They terrified her…she had a panic attack in public and now they're going to humiliate her by showing it to the world. Nothing about that is okay. Nothing about any of this is okay, Rick. Just like the F.B.I. cleared this arrest but some puppet got his strings pulled and now I have to go through this investigation, and even if nothing comes of it, it still puts a black mark against my name in the eyes of the public."

Now wasn't the time for words, Castle thought to himself. She wasn't in the right place to be comforted by anything he could think of to say. She was afraid, she was hurting…she was feeling guilty. He stepped toward her and pulled her into his arms; wrapping her in a tight embrace. She said nothing, angry tears breaking free and spilling down her cheeks without permission as her nails dug into his back.

His hand moved soothingly against her back. "You're going to be fine, Kate; and so is your mother. She's fine; I saw the video, her brother got there in time; he was taking her home."

"I'm going to have to go over there," she sniffled.

"I know…but you probably have to finish your shift first."

She pulled out of his arms and wiped her cheeks. "Yeah; I know."

"What happened at the meeting?" he asked.

"Nothing really; it was more like a precursor to the main event," she replied. "They were informing me that they were investigating the arrest and that they'd be meeting with me again at a date in the near future…and that they'd also be speaking to Ryan and Esposito."

"What about me?"

"You haven't been mentioned yet. I think this initial meeting was primarily to rattle my cage. They want me on edge…and they don't care that the F.B.I. cleared the arrest. The complaint has been made so now it has to go through the channels of investigation. There's no way I can stop it."

"How bad does it sound?"

She shrugged. "I don't know…my gut tells me it's all for show…but another part of me is worried."

He gave her a smile. "I know it's easier said than done but try not to worry too much until you have to. It's early on and I'm siding with your gut feeling that it's all for show; just a part of Adam Bracken's plan to try to make you look bad publicly. He got you both in one swoop today."

"Don't remind me," she whispered as she hit the button to restart the elevator.

* * *

Kate could feel an ache building behind her eyes as she approached her desk and laid down her phone and keys. She ran a hand through her hair, feeling the tension in her body as Castle sat down in his chair. She was just about to ask him if he'd mind making a quick run to the store to get her something for her headache but Gates stepped out of her office and pinned her with her gaze.

"A word, Beckett," the Captain said firmly.

She sighed heavily; news of the reporter had probably already reached her ears while she and Castle had lingered on the elevator. Her gaze flicked to the writer as the throb in her head intensified. "Can you look through my desk and my purse and see if I've got anything laying around for a headache?"

"No problem," he replied; doing his best to give her a reassuring smile before she turned and headed for the Captain's office.

"Close the door," Gates ordered as she stepped inside.

Kate did as she was told and then turned to face the Captain.

"What the hell possessed you to grab a hold of a reporter?" Gates asked sternly.

"Is he pressing charges?"

"He hasn't yet; and you better hope that he doesn't. What were you thinking?"

Kate's hand curled into a fist at her side. "They harassed my mother in public today. They told her I was being investigated…and they kept at her until she had a panic attack; which that bastard of a reporter filmed and bragged about selling to every news outlet he could find."

"I can understand your anger, Detective; but it's no excuse. They know your mother is your soft spot; when they got that piece of footage, they knew all they had to do was goad you with it. He wanted you to react badly…and you gave it to him on a silver platter."

"I know I was wrong," she replied through clenched teeth.

"This is exactly what you don't need right now, Kate; IA is already breathing down your neck; how do you think this is going to look? It doesn't help you at all; it doesn't help your mother, and it doesn't cast this department in a good light either. This is going to be your life for the time being and you better learn to control yourself or there isn't going to be much I can do to help you."

"I'm sorry, Sir."

"You should be. You're better than this. I know you love your mother; and what they did to her today was despicable…but you can't think like a daughter right now; you have to think like a cop. Everyone's watching, Beckett; keep your mind focused."

"I understand, Sir."

"Do you?"

"Yes; it won't happen again."

"See that it doesn't."

* * *

As Castle searched for pain relievers in Kate's desk; he kept an eye on the scene going on inside the Captain's office. He closed the last drawer; coming up empty handed when Kate's cell phone rang. He glanced at the screen and saw that it was Jim and he had a feeling that the man wanted answers. He hesitated for a moment before he picked it up and accepted the call.

"Kate can't talk right now," he stated.

"Why not?" her father asked.

"She's in the Captain's office being lectured."

"About this Internal Affairs thing that she didn't tell anyone about?"

"No; Gates knew about that; I figure it's about her grabbing a hold of a reporter a little while ago."

An aggravated breath crossed the line. "What the hell is going on, Rick? Is she really being investigated?"

"Yes."

"And I have a feeling this news wasn't just sprung on her today; right?"

He hesitated. "She might've heard rumors. She's going to come over later and talk to you about it."

"Why did she grab a reporter?" Jim asked.

Castle paused once again; wondering how much he should tell but he had a feeling that Jim Beckett wasn't a man who let people off the hook when he wanted answers. "Because this certain reporter showed her the video he filmed of Johanna this morning while she was out shopping."

"I guess they have a nice video of Katie now too for tonight's newscast."

"Johanna's is already making the rounds online," he informed him.

Jim sighed. "You're full of good news, Rick."

"I know…it's one of those days that starts off fine and then takes a sudden steep decline with the same speed of a roller coaster."

"Yeah; I noticed. You tell Katie to get over here as soon as she can. I better go see what my wife is doing; she's gotten quiet."

"Is she okay?"

"She's better than she was earlier…but I can tell there's a lot rolling through her mind; so she's either consulting her recipe book or she's hiding upstairs. Try to keep my daughter out of jail; would you?"

"I'll do my best," he promised before they said goodbye and ended the call.

He laid Kate's phone down on the desk and a moment later the door of the Captain's office opened and Kate stepped back into the bullpen.

"Beckett," Gates called out from behind her.

Castle smothered a smile as she rolled her eyes before turning back to face the woman. "Take the rest of the day off and get yourself together," Gates ordered.

"That's really not necessary, Sir."

Gates arched a brow at her. "It wasn't a suggestion, Detective; it was an order."

"Yes, Sir," she replied; continuing her trek back to her desk.

"I guess we're leaving early," Castle commented.

She smirked. "Apparently so; did you find any Advil in my desk?"

"No; none in your purse either…but you should consider cleaning out all of those receipts; you might be able to find something in there in."

"Castle; do you really think now is the time to lecture me about the state of my purse?"

"Probably not…should I tell you that your dad called and I answered your phone?"

Her head lowered as she gathered up her stuff. "No; don't tell me until I get something for my headache."

He nodded. "Your place? We can order some take out for lunch…and then I'll tell you about the call."

"Yeah; that's a good idea. Let's get the hell out of here."

"Where are you going?" Ryan and Esposito asked at the same time as they all ran into each other at the elevator.

"Gates put me out for the rest of the day," she answered.

"What did you do to get sent home early?" Esposito asked.

She smirked at him. "Now, Javi; you know grabbing reporters isn't acceptable behavior."

"If I had known we'd get sent home for that; Ryan and I would've grabbed a few."

"Yeah; that's not fair," Ryan remarked. "I did get a name for the one you grabbed; his name is Lenny Reid…do you want us to check into him?"

She really had no good reason to justify looking into the man but the side of her that worried about Adam Bracken and what he might pull made her want to err on the side of caution. "Yeah…but do it quietly and without getting caught."

"You got it; enjoy your time out," Ryan quipped.

"Just for that, you can do my paperwork," Kate told him before hitting the button of the elevator. "Have a nice day, guys."

* * *

"Should I wait in the car?" Castle asked later that afternoon as they pulled up in front of her parents house.

"Why would I want you to do that?" Kate asked.

"Well I have a feeling you're going to be lectured…you might not want an audience."

She shook her head. "No; you're going with me."

"Hmm; the old bring a friend ruse."

"The what?" she said as she grabbed her purse and checked her phone.

"You know; when you knew you were going to be in trouble so you took a friend home with you…because you knew your mother wouldn't yell if someone was there…and by the time they left; she'd forget what you were supposed to get yelled at for."

Kate glanced at him. "Now I know why you always want me at the loft; you want my presence to shield you from Martha."

"Not true," he replied. "Mother considers you family…therefore she's very comfortable yelling in front of you."

"Your presence isn't going to keep anyone from yelling at me if they feel like it…so let's go get it over with."

"Good idea; get it done quickly and then we'll go home and enjoy the rest of your day off."

Kate smirked. "Yeah; I'm probably going to enjoy some more of my new supply of Advil too."

They got out of the car and quietly made their way to the door. Kate shoved her key in the lock and was about to open the door when Castle laid his hand on her wrist. "Shouldn't we knock?"

"I think it's alright to just go on in today," she replied; pushing the door open. "Dad," she called out as they stepped inside.

"In the kitchen, Katie."

She sat her purse on the stand and then headed for the kitchen with Castle following behind her. When she entered the room, she found her parents at the table; her father with a mug of coffee in front of him and her mother was flipping through a magazine absentmindedly. She thought about hugging her but she held back as their gazes met and held…there was the slightest hint of anger in her mother's eyes. She probably shouldn't be surprised, she mused as she and Castle sat down at the table.

Jim didn't waste any time cutting to the chase as he looked at his daughter. "What's this all about, Katie? And I want the whole story; not your specially altered parents version."

He was in a fine mood, she thought to herself but she couldn't blame him; her mood was no better. "I think you already know everything there is to know."

"So you are being investigated?"

"Yes," she answered. "I had a meeting with Internal Affairs today."

"And?" he asked.

"And they informed me of the investigation and said they'd be speaking to me again sometime soon. There's not much to tell right now, Dad."

"But you knew it was coming, didn't you?"

"Yeah, I did; and I should've told you, I'm sorry."

"You can't keep things like this from us, Katie," Jim stated. "We all have to know what's going on so we're not blindsided. When it comes to this; you just can't be yourself and make everything a big secret."

"I know," she replied; her jaw tight. She didn't like feeling like she was being chastened even if she did deserve it in some ways.

"What's the basis for this investigation?" her father asked.

She smirked. "Bracken of course; you know that. Adam Bracken filed the complaint, so now they're looking into the arrest and for all I know, probably others, looking for anything that can discredit me. You know how it goes when someone with money is pulling the strings, Dad; you don't need me to explain that to you."

"The F.B.I. cleared it," he replied. "So why are they allowed to go back and call it into question?"

"They said that when a complaint is filed; it has to be followed through regardless of the ruling of a higher agency."

Jim leaned back in his chair and eyed her. "Katie, do you need a lawyer for this? It's not an area I've focused on a lot but it's one that Zach has; he's been very successful with these kinds of things and I know that it would only take one phone call and he'd be there."

"I offered her my lawyer," Castle spoke up.

"And who's your lawyer?" Jim asked.

"Henry Browning; he's very good."

"He's an entertainment lawyer, Rick."

"But he handles everything I need," Castle replied. "He's highly regarded."

"Yes, he is highly regarded in his field," Jim replied. "But this sort of thing calls for someone who has extensive knowledge in this area; Zach Nelson does; it's one of the areas of law that he specializes in."

"I'm sure Henry could hand it."

"How many cases like this has he done?" Jim asked. "I have a feeling it's slim to none. I'm not saying he's a bad lawyer; I know he's good at what he does, but this isn't his field and just because he charges an arm and a leg doesn't mean he's a magical jack of all trades."

"I'll pay the fee, if that's what worries everyone," Castle remarked.

"Zach will do it for nothing and he's trained in this area. If she has a problem in the entertainment field, then you can pay the fee, Rick."

"Both of you stop it," Kate interrupted as Castle opened his mouth to speak again. "I don't need a lawyer at this time and if I did; I'm capable of finding my own."

Her father kept his gaze locked on hers. "So is that how it is, Katie? I get constantly left out of the loop and I'm not allowed to provide you with contacts that could be helpful to you?"

She sighed. "No; it's not like that. I know you know a lot of lawyers; but if I refused one of your friends, you'd take it personally and I don't have time for that right now."

"That's because you think I'm only recommending someone to you on the sole basis of being your father; but that's not what it's all about. I'm giving you the benefit of my experience; this is my field; I know who works which sectors best."

She wasn't in the mood to debate the topic. "I didn't mean to offend you…and if I need someone, of course I'll consider all of my options."

Jim grew quiet; his aggravation was high and he didn't want to take it out on his daughter; even if she was partly responsible. He also had a feeling that he needed to get used to the fact that she didn't need him in any way shape or form any longer. She had Rick now; he had money and contacts of his own. She didn't need her father's help. He felt bad for thinking that but he couldn't help it. He liked being a father…and he didn't want to feel like he had lost his ranking in her life. It wasn't that he wanted to be number one; those days were long gone….he just didn't want to be last.

Castle could feel the tension in the air and knew that he had contributed to it with his talk of his lawyer. He had stepped on Jim's toes; the man wanted to protect and help his daughter; it was a feeling he could relate to and he was sorry for pushing the issue. He wasn't quite sure what to do about it and he was afraid of making it worse. His eyes darted to the still silent Johanna Beckett and he decided it was time to open up a different avenue of conversation.

"You're awfully quiet," he said to Johanna.

She glanced at him. "I've got things on my mind."

He nodded. "I'm sure you do…but it's going to be okay."

She wished she could convince herself more fully of that notion but at the moment she was still too upset to allow herself to be totally convinced. She looked to her daughter and met her stare. "How bad is this, Katie?" she asked.

"I can't say for certain. I really don't see anything coming of it but it could be a long process depending on what all they want to dig into."

"And what is your feeling about the people running this investigation? Do you feel like they've been bought off? Do you think they have an axe to grind?"

"It's hard to make that assessment after only one meeting," Kate replied. "It was just to put me on notice that the investigation is moving forward. "I haven't been taken off duty and there were no blatant signs that they were gunning for me…but who knows?"

Johanna pushed away from the table and paced the room and Kate couldn't help but feel the chill in her demeanor. "What do you know?" her mother asked.

"Not as much as either one of us would like," she admitted.

Johanna paused in front of the counter and turned to face the table. There were things she needed to ask and say…but she didn't need an audience. "I'd like to speak to my daughter alone, please," she announced.

Kate's eyes closed as she heard the demand; she remembered that tone; it was never pleasant. Castle's hand brushed hers, making her open her eyes. She gave him a nod, telling him to go. "We'll be in the living room," Jim stated.

With the men gone, Kate rose from her chair and moved across the room to stand near her mother. "Well?" she asked quietly; knowing that she wouldn't like what was coming.

"How could you do this to me, Katie?" Johanna cried. "How could you keep this from me?"

"I didn't want to worry you," Kate replied as she tried to remain patient.

"You say that like I don't worry already."

She sighed. "I know that you worry…I didn't want to add to it until I knew what was going on."

Johanna scoffed. "And it didn't occur to you that someone might beat you to the punch when it came time to tell me?"

"I thought I'd be able to tell you before the media found out."

"Well you were wrong."

"Yeah; I noticed," Kate said sharply as her mother began to pace in front of the counter.

"You played me right into their hand," Johanna stated. "Do you realize that? They already had the rumors going around that you hate me and that we don't talk…and this makes it look like it's true, Kate. Now that rumor is going to have merit and it's going to be at a fever pitch because I accused them of lying about you being investigated because I assumed that you would've told me if you were. Now they can run wild with that; now they can say, see, they are estranged; her daughter does hate her."

"Who cares what they think, Mom? You and I know the truth."

"I care," she replied. "I care very much that the world thinks my daughter hates me…and you ought to care too. Do you know how it looks to people who don't believe our side of the story…to potential jury members?"

Kate raked a hand through her hair. "You're overanalyzing."

"No I'm not. Do you really believe that jury members don't think about what they've seen on the news in relation to all of the involved parties? You're not stupid, Kate; you work in law enforcement, you know this."

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you, okay; really I am. I know it was wrong."

Johanna nodded. "Yeah, it was wrong…and I get to pay the price for it. I got to make a fool out of myself because I didn't know what the hell is going on…they're talking about him getting out of this and it was like all of the air was being sucked out of my body. All I could think about was that we might have to go through this all over again; that you could get hurt again."

"That's not going to happen."

"Maybe not; but in the meantime I still look like a fool. We're going to be splashed across the headlines tonight because you couldn't open your damn mouth."

Anger washed over her. "I guess I'm like my mother in that way; after all, you couldn't open your damn mouth back when all of this started and tell us that you were in danger. Why don't you try blaming yourself? You want to know why I didn't tell you?" Kate asked angrily. "I didn't tell you because I didn't want to deal with you. I didn't want to deal with your worry and your tears and your apologies because I'm sick of hearing it. What the hell were you doing in the city by yourself anyway? Stay the hell home where you belong and then you won't have to worry about being humiliated because you can't keep it together."

A tense silence filled the air as Kate's words hung between them. Johanna fought the urge to lower her head; her brother's words reminding her that she was a McKenzie still echoing in her mind. Her gaze darted away from her daughter, hoping to find something that she could busy her hands with. The kitchen was clean; there was nothing for her to scrub or put away. A glance at the clock showed that it wasn't too early to start dinner preparations and she moved to the refrigerator to grab some vegetables. She'd make soup for dinner…it felt like a soup kind of day.

She was acutely aware of Kate's eyes on her as she opened a cabinet and pulled out the soup pot and placed it on the stove. She said nothing; knowing that nothing could be said to soothe either one of them. She opened another cabinet and took out the canned ingredients she'd need and then she set about washing off her vegetables. The silence lingered; her daughter's gaze burning a hole in her back as she laid the carrots across her cutting board and took a knife from the drawer and began chopping them into small pieces.

"What are you doing?" Kate asked; her tone tense but quiet.

"Jumping jacks," Johanna replied. "What's it look like?"

Kate bit the inside of her cheek as she watched her mother chop up the carrots with the same flourish as professional chef's on TV. "So you're just going to do that and not say anything now?"

"There isn't much to say; most of what I can think of falls in the realm of things you don't want to hear so I'm going to keep those things to myself. I will say that if there is something I should know that you don't want to deal with telling me, you could always tell you father and he could tell me…and deal with me. You see, there's always a solution if you just look for it."

"I didn't mean to say those things."

"But you meant them, right?"

She sighed. "I just wanted to have the facts before I added to your worry."

"Katie, you act like the words IA investigation are an insignificant fact and they're not. All you had to do was take five or ten minutes out of your day and call and say 'Mom, I'm being investigated by IA in regard to Bracken's arrest. I don't know all the facts yet but I wanted to give you a heads up so you won't be blindsided if it gets leaked to the media.' And then if you didn't want to continue the conversation, you could've hung up and declined my calls for a few days but at least I would've known something. It would've been very simple."

"Yeah, in theory it always is," Kate replied. "But you know, I'm a grown woman, I don't have to report to you and tell you my business anymore."

Johanna grabbed a bowl from the cabinet to put her carrots in and then grabbed the celery and began her attack upon it with her knife only to pause soon after starting and turning to face her daughter. "That's another idea that's good in theory," she remarked. "But whether you like it or not, our business is kind of tied together at the moment…and anything that pertains to me, I want to know…whether you want to deal with it or not…whether you think I can handle it or not. You see, I'm a grown woman too, and you don't get to make decisions for me. Now I want to know if I'm going to be involved in this. Am I going to have to talk to these people? If so, do we need to get our story straight; because I don't want to go in there and say something that will cost you your job. So put your attitude on hold and tell me what I need to know; because I don't want to be filled in at the last minute."

"I don't know yet."

Her mother eyed her. "Is that the truth or are you just saying that to prove that you don't have to tell me anything?"

Kate arched a brow at her. "Excuse me?"

"You heard me."

She shifted on her feet. "Are we really going to have this fight?"

Johanna nodded; "I think maybe we have to…because I'm not the only who has to accept some blame."

* * *

Castle sat on the sofa in the living room, drumming his fingers against his thigh as the voices in the kitchen rose higher and higher in the midst of battle. He glanced toward Jim who was turning up the volume of the TV. It looked like he'd have to be the one to end it. He rose from the couch but paused as Jim spoke.

"Sit down, Rick."

"But we should stop that," he replied.

Jim shook his head. "Sit down; it's between them, not us."

"But they're going to destroy the progress they've made."

"No they won't; they're just blowing off steam. Mothers and daughters always butt heads when an occasion calls for it; it's their nature. It doesn't mean they love each other any less, it just means they have something to work out and I believe they'll do that on their own if we stay out of it."

Castle frowned; there was a part of him that disagreed with that assessment but it wasn't his home so he did as Jim asked and sat back down. "What if you're wrong?"

"I'm not," the older man assured. "Do you think this the first time they've squabbled? I learned to stay out of it for a reason."

"But things are different now, Kate's not a teenager and they have a lot of lost time between them…a lot of hurt still lingers."

"I know that…but it doesn't change them at the core. They're still mother and daughter, they still have a bond, still love each other…their both hard headed and sometimes need a good fight to get it all out. That out there," he said waving a hand in the direction of the kitchen; "That's the sound of normalcy…it means Johanna isn't afraid to push now. She isn't afraid to make her angry now like she was several months ago. They made it through the big issue…and this means they're getting better."

Castle looked skeptical and Jim chuckled quietly as he shifted in the chair. "I've known them a lot longer than you have, Rick. I know how they are. Don't worry so much; they can handle it."

"I just don't want them to make it into a bigger issue than it needs to be."

"They won't if we don't help them make a big deal out of it. If we go in there, we're only going to make it worse; you'll defend Katie, and I'll be defending Johanna. Then they'll both feel like the other is wrong because they have back up. They're both wrong. Katie should've told us what was going on; she didn't, she was wrong. I told Johanna to stay home. She didn't; she was wrong. They're mad at themselves and they're mad at each other. The best thing to do is just stay out of it and let them work it out on their own."

"Okay," he replied; "You're the boss of this ship."

Jim smiled. "I'm not trying to be mean, Rick; it's just that I've been to this rodeo before…not only with those two, but I witnessed the same type of thing between my mother and sister…between Johanna and her mother…my mother and grandmother…it seems to be a woman thing…and as my father would say; it's not something we're going to understand, so just stay out of it and turn up the TV until it's over."

Castle laughed. "I wish I could've met your father, Jim; he sounds like he was a wise man."

He nodded. "I wish you could've known him too; he was wise…he always seemed to have an answer."

The yelling continued for another minute and then suddenly there was silence from the kitchen. Castle looked across the room at Jim. "They got quiet," he whispered.

Jim turned the volume back done and listened. "They're done now."

"But what kind of done?"

"Either it's the over and done with kind of done, or the 'talk to you in a few days' kind of done. I won't know until I see them."

"I hear footsteps," he murmured.

"Act oblivious," Jim told him. "We didn't hear anything."

"Right," he agreed, leaning back against the sofa.

The Beckett women stepped into the living room, no words between them. Jim glanced at them from the chair. "What's for dinner, Jo?" he asked, avoiding the elephant in the room.

"Vegetable soup."

"I hope there's something to go with that," he said lightly. "A man can't live on soup alone, you know."

She gave him a small smile, knowing exactly what he was doing. "Yes, I know; you've told me. I'm sure there will be sandwiches as well."

"Are you two staying for dinner, Katie?" he asked.

"No," she replied. "We better get going; come on, Castle."

Jim rose from his chair as Castle got up from the couch; he mouthed a silent 'option two' to the writer who in turn gave him a subtle nod. Jim approached his daughter and wrapped her in a hug. "Try not to worry too much, Katie; I'm sure it will be fine."

"I'll try."

"Let me know if you need anything."

"I promise…and if there's something you need to know, I promise to tell you."

"That's all I ask," he replied as he hugged her tighter before releasing her. "Be careful…and the next reporter you grab, deck him; I'll pay the bail."

She laughed. "Sure, Dad…just let me find one that doesn't have a ton of witnesses around to back him up."

Castle shook his hand and turned to Johanna. "Don't worry; there's some pop star somewhere doing something stupid that will knock you out of the headlines in a day or two."

She gave him a soft smile. "It would be wrong to hope for two misbehaving pop stars, wouldn't it?"

"Not at all," he replied, brushing her arm with his hand. "Just lay low for a day or two."

"Oh believe me, I intend to."

Castle and Kate moved toward the door and after a split second of hesitation, Johanna followed, grabbing hold of the back of her daughter's jacket. Kate turned to look at her, her gaze questioning. Johanna slipped her arms around her, pulling her into a hug that Kate hesitated to return, but after a moment, her arms wound around her, her eyes closing as she breathed in the familiar scents that she associated with her mother.

"I love you," Johanna murmured.

"I know," she whispered. "I love you too."

"Be careful getting home."

"I will."

Johanna released her and they said goodnight. She sighed as she locked the door behind her daughter and moved back into the living room.

"Do you feel better now that you've gotten to yell?" Jim asked, a small smile tugging at his lips.

"A little…and she deserved to be yelled at."

He nodded. "You won't get any argument out of me about that; but it's going to be alright, sweetheart. We'll get through it."

"I hope so," she sighed as she turned and headed for the kitchen. "I really hope so."

* * *

"This is nice," Kate murmured as she leaned back against Castle's chest later that evening.

"See, I told you we'd both fit," he gloated as he wrapped his arms around her.

A smile curved her lips upwards. "The bubbles were a nice touch," she remarked as she scooped up a handful.

"It seemed like one of those days where bubbles might be a requirement for feeling better."

She nodded. "You're right; it is one of those days."

"Of course I'm always for taking it a step further," he declared. "I did embellish with the candles."

"Very nice," she said with a soft laugh as she glanced around the dimly lit bathroom.

"And as you can see, I've also provided wine…in non breakable glasses that are just as classy as the real thing."

"Very wise."

Castle angled his head to look at her. "Do you mock me, Detective?"

"Not all," Kate laughed. "Believe me, this is the most relaxed I've been all day."

"Then my mission has proved successful," he remarked as he dipped his head and pressed a kiss to her shoulder. "Do you know what that means?"

"I'm afraid to ask."

He brushed another kiss against her skin. "It means we should be naked more often."

She gave a soft laugh. "Castle; you're so predictable."

"I resent that; I'm a highly unpredictable wild card and you know it."

"If that's what you want to believe."

It grew quiet between them for a few moments as she shifted, allowing the warm water to lap against her skin, the soft scent of the bubbles filling her senses as she remained wrapped in his arms.

"Is there anything about your meeting that we need to talk about?"

"Nothing happened; like I said, it was more like an introduction into the nightmare to come."

"When will they be talking to you again?"

"I don't know; they said they'd be in contact; that they're reviewing everything. They're just putting me on notice."

"Is this face to face visit to notify you of this standard procedure…or something specially adapted just for you?"

"I don't know," she murmured. "I've never been through this before. I guess it's not unheard of to be called in just to be informed that an investigation has been launched…but on the other hand, I feel like it might be part of the production Adam Bracken wants to put on."

Castle breathed deeply. "Are you sure you don't need a lawyer?"

"I think it's too soon to say, Rick. If they try to take my badge or suspend me over an arrest that was declared clean by a higher agency, then yeah, I'm going to get a lawyer and fight it. They're not going to run me out of my job without a fight."

"They're going to drag this out and make you squirm."

"Yeah…so it can all play out publicly; so it can be a nice headline for more than a day or two."

"Is there anything I can do? Do you want to release a statement? I can have Paula handle that; just something basic…it might be the time to do it, Kate."

"I know," she said with a sigh of resignation. "But I need to think about exactly what I put out there. I can't come off too cocky; I can't act like I'm too worried either. I have to find a balance."

"I'll help you write something whenever you're ready."

"Thank you," she replied, twisting to kiss him.

"Do you think your mother would like to take up the offer of a statement handled by Paula?"

Kate scoffed. "When hell freezes over."

"I wish we could convince her to do it…it might help."

"She's too hard headed and set in her ways, Castle. She's not going to budge…not on anyone's terms but her own."

"I know someone else like that."

Kate reached for her wine glass and took a long sip. "Comparisons are not welcome tonight."

"Sorry. I thought you said you weren't mad at her for her tirade earlier…you said she had her reasons for provoking it; have you decided that you're mad after all…you have been a little quiet since getting home."

"I'm not mad…it's just complicated…and I had my own tirade so I'd say we're even in that department. She didn't do it to hurt me; she just wanted me to take my feelings out on her…but I think it's best if we don't push our luck with each other so I'm going to let her be for a few days."

"She seems to like you checking in," he reminded her.

"It's time we break that habit anyway; did she ever email you back about that scene?"

"Not yet, but I figure she doesn't check her email often. If I don't hear from her in a few days; I'll call and tell her its there. There's no hurry but it might give her an afternoon's worth of distraction."

"Do you have any distractions for me?" she asked; infusing some playfulness into her tone.

"All the distraction you want," he replied. "Just tell me where to start."

"What's the fun in that?" she asked. "Why should I do all the work when you're the one who's supposed to be doing the distracting?"

"Good point," Castle replied; "So after we finish indulging in our bath; I shall give you a massage."

She hummed in appreciation. "Now that is definitely a distraction that I can endorse; what do you have planned after that?"

"After the massage, I believe I have you scheduled for another appointment with Doctor Castle."

"Go on," she said with a wide smile.

"That appointment will leave you exhausted, so then you'll rest in comfort in my bed with its expensive sheets that you love so much but refuse to splurge on for your place."

"Why should I when I can sleep on them here?"

"A good excuse but I think we all know that you save your splurge money for jackets and shoes," he replied.

"Touché; any other plans of distraction?"

"Once you awake in the morning, you shall be served smiley face pancakes…and there will be no news on the television and the newspaper will be in an undisclosed location."

"You're very thorough in your methods."

He nodded. "I've learned to take care of all the details by observing the NYPD's finest at work."

"Hmm, I see sucking up is apart of the distraction as well."

"Every little bit helps," he replied. "There will also be coffee of course…and mid morning I shall make sure you have a pastry that is coated in a healthy amount of comforting chocolate to keep your spirits up."

"That sounds wonderful; what else?"

"Then I shall treat you to a very nice lunch."

"And the rest of the day?" she asked as she reached for her wine glass and took a long sip.

"Oh, you want a whole day of special comfort pampering?" Castle asked.

"How could I not when it's being provided by you."

"Good point," he remarked as she kissed the underside of his jaw. "Your day shall also include the take out of your choice for dinner and a movie marathon, also of your choosing."

"You're very accommodating," she giggled as his fingertips glided against her slick skin under the bubbles, hitting a ticklish spot for a moment before continuing their journey.

"I do aim to please," he grinned as he dipped his head to press kisses against her neck.

"And will there be more bubbles tomorrow?"

"If you want bubbles; then bubbles you shall have."

"I think I like this," Kate replied. "I'm surprised you haven't mentioned another appointment with the doctor tomorrow."

"I didn't want to presume."

"Since when?" she scoffed.

"You better be nice," Castle teased; "Or I won't wash your back."

"That would be a shame."

"Yes it would be."

"Especially since I planned on returning the favor."

"In that case, I can overlook that one minor transgression."

"That's kind of you," she stated; "May I ask a question?"

"Of course; let me have it."

"When we drag ourselves out of this big bathtub of yours, should I put clothes on or just wear the towel?"

"Hmm," Castle said; "That is a very good question; I say we ponder it after we do a little mutual back washing. What do you say?"

"I say that sounds like a very good idea…even though I'm sure of what your ultimate answer will be."

"Pretend to be surprised anyway," he quipped.

"You got it," she murmured, as she caressed the line of his jaw.

* * *

Jim clicked off the television in the living room, seeing all he needed to see about his wife and daughter. He sighed, silence settling around him. Johanna had retreated upstairs when he mentioned that he was going to watch the news; it was probably for the best that she avoided it. She had already lived it; she didn't need to see the replay. He'd probably have to dispose of the newspaper in the morning too before she saw it. His phone buzzed, sparing him from further thought about the things he'd have to shield her from for a few days.

He grabbed his phone and saw that the new text message was from Leo. "Is she okay?" it read. Apparently his old friend had seen the news too…and he wondered just how many of his friends would see the report and ask about her welfare. He'd like to think that maybe it would nudge Sharon into calling Johanna to show some support but he had a feeling that hope was futile.

"She's as okay as she can be right now," he typed back to Leo.

Leo's next text came a mere few seconds later. "I'm going to get that little bastard if it's the last thing I do."

Jim smiled a little. "I know it's probably too early to ask, but any luck with that yet?"

"I'm still laying some ground work but trust me, as soon as I start making head way, you'll be the first to know. Is there anything I can do for Katie to help get her out of this bogus investigation?"

He wished there was something his friend could do, but at the moment, it seemed like Katie wanted to handle it on her own. "Not at the moment but I'll let you know if that changes."

They traded a few more messages and then said goodnight. He carried his phone with him as he checked the front door to make sure it was locked and then moved through the house to the kitchen to check the back door as well. He knew he'd already checked them once, but he had to be sure things were secure. He had to keep Johanna safe; he had to do everything he could to make sure she felt secure.

Jim moved up the stairs and toward the bedroom, his heart aching for his wife. It hurt him to the core seeing those images of her panic attack on the screen. She had looked so terrified...and he hadn't been there to save her. He longed to take her away somewhere they weren't known so that her peace could be restored; but running wasn't the answer. There was also anger; red hot fury that those vultures had stood around filming and snapping pictures of Johanna as she fell apart in her brother's arms. He wished to God that he knew their names, if he did, he'd find some way to sue them for everything from stalking down to emotional distress. He'd take them for every penny they had... and then he'd wait for them outside and beat the living hell out of them.

Jim entered the room quietly on the off chance that Johanna had fallen asleep. She was awake though, curled beneath the covers, her gaze fixed upon the TV screen. She was taking comfort in old friends tonight, he mused. She had already spent time with Lucy and Ethel, Mary and Rhoda, Samantha and Endora. She was now visiting Miss Kitty, who looked every bit as distressed as Johanna did. He noted the tear stains on her cheeks as he laid his phone on the nightstand and slipped into bed beside her.

"Miss Kitty looks upset tonight," he said quietly.

Johanna nodded. "She's having a bad day."

"It seems to be going around."

She drew in a weighted breath. "Is it on the news?" she asked softly.

Jim wished that he could lie to her and spare her the added pain but he couldn't. "Yes."

Johanna squeezed her eyes shut; rebellious tears slipping from beneath her lashes. A soft sob tore from her throat and he pulled her into his arms, allowing her tears to soak through his shirt. "Everything's going to be okay, sweetheart."

She shook her head. "It was bad enough that they found me and followed me...now they have to humiliate me by showing the world how easily I crumble."

"It could happen to anyone, Jo. I'm sure you're not the first person to have a panic attack in public."

"Most people don't get their faces splashed across the news because of it."

"If it makes you feel any better, they got a nice clip of Katie grabbing a hold of the one who filmed it."

"That doesn't make me feel better at all; in fact it makes me feel worse."

Jim frowned; he should've known that. "I'm sorry."

Johanna was silent for several minutes with the exception of her sniffles as her husband ran his hand over her back. "I guess you've earned the right to say I told you so," she murmured.

"Why?"

"You told me to stay home. I didn't listen...I had to learn the hard way as usual."

He breathed deeply and exhaled a heavy breath. "I'm not going to say that, Jo. I didn't want this to happen. I worry about the media catching you alone but my main fear is for your safety. I don't want you to be hurt emotionally...but I worry more about you being hurt physically."

"I'm sorry," she whispered as she swiped at her cheek.

"You don't have anything to be sorry for. Maybe you jumped the gun a little...but sweetheart, it's always been your nature to do what you want. If Katie had told us about the investigation, you would've stayed home."

"She said she didn't tell us because she didn't want to deal with how I'd feel about it."

Jim held her a little tighter. "Katie's just upset. She was mad at herself because she knows she was wrong and she was mad at the situation those bastards put you in. She's going to take part of the blame for that. She lashes out when she's upset and caught in something of her own making. You know that, Jo."

She didn't respond but her fingers curled into the material of his shirt. Jim stayed quiet; wanting to give her a chance to tell him what was on her mind without his prodding. After a few minutes, she finally spoke. "I want you to sell my car."

The comment caught him off guard. "What?"

"I want you to sell the Mustang."

"Why?"

"Because I don't need it. I'm never leaving this house again."

"Yes you are; you can't stay locked in forever."

"I'll only go out when you're here to take me. Maybe your brother would want it; he's always loved Mustangs."

"I'm not selling your car, Johanna."

"Why not?" she asked. "You didn't want me to have it anyway. You were right."

He shook his head. "No; I'm not going to do it. That's your dream car and you're keeping it...you need it."

"For what?"

"For running errands and going shopping...for visiting Valerie. I still work a good bit; I'm not always home when you need to go somewhere."

"I can wait for you," she replied.

"You need it in case of emergencies, remember? What if Katie was hurt and needed you?"

She scoffed. "We'd be the last people to know; or at least I would."

"What if I needed you?" he asked.

"I'd find a way to get to you."

"You said you'd get there faster in your own car."

"Jim, please," she whispered. "Just sell it."

"No," he said firmly. "You need your car. This will blow over and you'll be ready to try again."

"I'm not going to take the risk of making a fool out of myself again," Johanna stated; pulling away from him and moving back to her side of the bed.

He suppressed a sigh as he reached for her hand and held it. There was a suggestion he had in mind but he doubted that she'd be receptive to it...but he'd try anyway. "Jo...I don't want you to get mad," he said.

"Oh God," she muttered. "I hate when you say that."

He squeezed her hand. "I know...but I also know that you're worried about having another panic attack in public."

"And?"

"And...I was thinking that maybe anti-anxiety medicine might help."

His wife sat up and faced him, her tearful green eyes suddenly ablaze. "You're not putting me on drugs!"

This was exactly the reaction he thought he'd get...but he may as well see it through. "Sweetheart, it's not like that. I'm not saying you'd have to take it forever...maybe just until things are settled."

Johanna shook her head. "I'm not going to be dependent on pills to get through my life! You should know that; after all you're the one who found those damn pills in the medicine cabinet in Wyoming."

"Those were for depression, Jo; and you told me that you didn't take them because you were punishing yourself."

"What's your point?"

"The point is that I can take you to the doctor and we can find something that you don't have to worry about getting hooked on. Just something you can take when you're going out to ease your mind and help you stay calm. It's nothing to be ashamed of...and no one has to know; we'll keep it between us."

Johanna stared at him for a long minute. "You think I'm crazy."

"No I don't! I just want you to feel better."

"You just want to drug me up and set me in the corner somewhere!"

"No," he said with a shake of his head. "Baby, it's not like that."

Her eyes went wide. "Baby?" she repeated. "You only call me Baby when you've dug a hole you're about to fall into."

Jim bit back a hasty response; reminding himself that she was sensitive right now; that her emotions were raw. "I just want to help you."

Tears pooled in her eyes once more. "I have enough problems without my husband thinking I'm crazy and need to be put on medication."

He sighed and reached for her; pulling her back into his arms despite her resistance to the gesture. "I don't think you're crazy, sweetheart. It was just a suggestion...a bad one. Let's just forget that I mentioned it, okay? No doctor, no pills. We'll get you through it on our own. I'm sorry."

She relaxed against him, her arms going around him tightly. "I don't want to talk about today anymore," she whispered. "I just want to forget...I just want to be here with you, where it's safe and quiet."

Jim tipped her face up for a kiss and then tightened his hold on her. "Alright, we'll put these topics away. You've been through enough; it's time to relax and unwind."

"Thank you," she murmured.

"I love you," he told her; not only because he told her every night, but because he needed to reassure her of it in light of his suggestion that had gone awry.

"I love you too," Johanna said softly. "I'll be better tomorrow."

"I know," he replied. "We'll both be better tomorrow."

She nodded and gave her attention back to the TV; he directed his gaze there as well but he couldn't focus on the program. All he could think about was how the signs weren't good; that his wife had gotten knocked down and now she was looking for a hole to crawl into…and that he was going to have to be the one to pull her out of this.

* * *

Castle's sleep drenched mind swam back to consciousness as he registered the tossing and turning next to him. He yawned; his bleary eyes cracking open to glance at the clock; 3:24 a.m., it read. He turned on to his side, his gaze finding Kate's in the darkness.

"Why are you still awake?" he asked; his voice quiet and gritty with sleep.

"Why do you think?"

"You can't get your mind off my body?"

She laughed softly, her hand brushing his bare chest. "I wish that was the only thing keeping me awake tonight."

He scrubbed a hand over his face and then wrapped his arm around her waist and pulled her close. "I thought I had exhausted you according to plan."

"You exhausted my body…just not my mind."

His sleepy frown amused her, her fingertips reaching out and tracing his bottom lip. "I don't know whether to be offended by that or not," he murmured.

"I vote for not," Kate whispered. "Believe me, at the time I was thoroughly distracted…it was when you fell asleep that I became…undistracted."

His lips skimmed her forehead. "So tell me what you're thinking about; maybe it'll help you unwind and sleep."

"I'm thinking about tomorrow," she answered as she shifted to lay her head on his chest.

"What about it?"

"What it brings…more media, more scrutiny. I think about the next time the phone rings and it's IA calling to tell me they want me back in their office again; for the big game to start. I worry about it despite that gut feeling. I worry about what's coming next; what they might have up their sleeve. I keep debating making a statement or not making a statement. I worry about my mom. I just…"

"You just what?" he asked.

"I just wish I could stay in bed for a week with the covers pulled up over my head and that it would all be gone when I decided to come out."

Castle dragged his hand along the soft bare skin of her back. "I know nothing I can say will take away your worry about IA and whatever Adam Bracken is planning; all I can do is promise to be here with you every step of the way."

"You say that like it isn't enough, Rick," she murmured; "And it is…it's everything."

"I'm glad you think so," he replied. "As for the statement to the media; if you're not ready, then don't worry about it right now. I just remind you of it so you'll always have the option in mind. It might help…but it might not either. Just give it some thought and then decide, okay?"

She nodded and reached for the sheet to pull it up higher. He helped her wrap it around them and then continued on. "The media can only hurt you if you let it; you slipped up today but that's okay; it happens. You'll handle it better tomorrow because the rawness will have worn off by then. As for your mom, the two you will work it out…you've worked through bigger things and you said that you weren't angry so that's going to make it easier."

"But she's mad at me."

"Maybe she is; but she still loves you, and she's hurting just as much as you are…and when the dust settles, and you're ready to hit her number, she'll answer and she'll forgive you; just like she always does."

Deep inside she knew that; but tonight she was grateful for the reassurance of his words. "I love you, Rick," she whispered; wrapping herself around him in a tight embrace.

"I love you too; now go to sleep, tomorrow will take care of itself."

Kate raised her head enough to kiss him and then she settled back against his chest, her eyes closing and the tension easing from her body as his hand moved rhythmically over her back. She'd take on tomorrow once the sun rose.

* * *

Jim woke in the middle of the night, the blue glow of the television light hitting his face. He frowned; usually Johanna set the timer so that the TV would shut off after awhile. She must've forgotten, he figured as he shifted onto his side, his eyes flicking open as he prepared himself to search for the remote on her side of the bed or to reach across her and grab it from the nightstand.

"Sweetheart, are you still awake?" he murmured; his effort to find the remote forgotten as he saw her gaze still pinned on the screen.

"No; I'm asleep with my eyes open," she whispered.

Amusement flicked across his tired features. "I guess you're talking in your sleep too, right?"

"Of course. Why are you awake?"

"I probably sensed that you were and figured I'd join you."

"Don't get any ideas," she replied, hoping to keep the subject from getting serious. "I'm not in the mood."

He gave a quiet laugh. "I always have ideas when it comes to you but I promise to save them for a better time as long as you scoot over here a little closer."

Johanna smiled and moved towards his side of the bed, allowing him to tuck her against his side. "Better?" she asked.

"Much; now do you want to tell me what's on your mind?"

"You already know."

That much was true, he surmised. "You'll feel better about things if you get some rest, Jo."

"I can't make my mind turn off," she admitted. "It all just plays over and over."

He pressed a kiss against her hair. "Do what you always do when you have a nightmare; think happy thoughts, sweetheart."

Her smile wobbled. "Any suggestions of which happy thoughts I should focus on?"

Jim thought for a moment. "You could think about the first time we had dinner with your grandmother; that was fun."

The memory brought a smile to her lips. "I didn't expect you to have as much fun as you did."

He rubbed her arm lovingly. "I'm glad I surpassed your expectations. You could think about our road trip or our first official date. There's the night we got engaged; our wedding, our first night here in this house."

"Those were happy times," she said softly.

"You could think of our first night home with Katie."

Johanna smiled wistfully. "You mean when the family left and we were suddenly terrified of a seven pound newborn?"

Jim laughed quietly. "Yeah…remember how we put her in the bassinet in here and then sat up half the night because we were afraid we'd sleep through her crying?"

"I remember," she laughed. "I also remember how when she was crying you didn't even want to touch her because she made you nervous."

He nodded. "Mom lectured me about that several weeks later."

"That was one of Lizzie's best days."

"Do you know what one of my favorite memories is?" he asked.

"What?"

"That time when Katie was about eight or nine months old and I had been working late a lot with people I hated who didn't care what time anyone got home; I felt like I hardly seen you and the baby so I blew off that Saturday meeting Stanley Carmichael had planned and I spent the day with my girls."

"I remember that," she murmured; her hand giving his waist a gentle squeeze. "That was such a wonderful day. You got Katie up before she could cry and you made me breakfast."

"That's right; and then we went out; just the three of us. We took Katie for a walk in the park and we did some shopping. We went to lunch…we just enjoyed the day."

"Mhmm; she had just learned to say dada and that was every other babble…she'd been missing you; and she was daddy's girl that day, watching every move you made and getting the saddest look on her face if you were out of her sight."

He smiled; his hand finding hers. "Do you know what else I loved about that day?"

"What?"

"Helping you give her a bath and putting her to bed that night; watching you with her as you rocked her to sleep…and then the time we had to ourselves once she was down for the night."

"It was perfect," she whispered; her body relaxing as the memory swept across her mind.

"It was…and you should close your eyes and keep thinking about it, sweetheart."

Jim kept rubbing his hand against her arm as she closed her eyes and immersed herself in that old memory. He waited patiently for the signs that she had fallen asleep and then he allowed his eyes to close, a prayer of hope that tomorrow would be better echoing through his mind as sleep reclaimed him.


	15. Chapter 15

_Authors Note: Thanks for your reviews!_

Chapter 15- Harder to Breathe-Part 2

" _It's getting harder and harder to breathe" – Maroon 5_

Jim stepped off the bottom step and moved quietly through the hallway to the door. He pulled back the curtain on the window and peered out; biting back a curse as he saw the media camped out in their usual spot. He let the curtain drop back into place before he was spotted. Why did they keep coming back there? They rarely ever caught him or Johanna outside; they knew better than to walk out the front door while they were there…and yet they kept coming around and setting up camp; thinking this would be the day they'd catch one or both. Well they were wrong. The paper could stay on the porch until they gave up; and he was glad that he had moved his car around back in anticipation of their possible invasion. He'd be able to get to work without any problem.

The smell of fresh coffee brewing and the scent of breakfast cooking drew Jim away from the door and he headed for the kitchen. He paused in the doorway and observed his wife as she stood at the stove. She had been up a half hour before the alarm went off but she had taken such great pains to be quiet as she tiptoed through their bedroom that he feigned sleep. He had watched through slitted lids as she fished a soft pair of black leggings from the dresser drawer and pulled them on under her nightgown and then she had slipped on her usual black robe and left the room quietly. Only then did he allow his eyes to fully open and he had stared up at the ceiling, hoping to find an answer to her troubles. Solutions had eluded him clear up until the alarm had gone off.

"Are you going to stand there and stare at my back all morning or are you going to come in and look at my face at some point?" Johanna asked; her tone light as she continued to work at the stove.

A smile lifted the corners of his mouth as he moved further into the room. "I like to admire you from every angle possible," he remarked as he moved toward her and brushed a soft kiss against her cheek. "I didn't really expect you to be up so early considering how late it was when you finally went to sleep."

She shrugged as she pulled a strip of bacon from the skillet. "You know me; I've always been a little bit of an insomniac."

That much was true, he thought as she lifted the remaining pieces of bacon from the skillet. "I see you're allowing bacon today."

She nodded. "I made waffles too and a little bit of eggs."

"Sounds good," he replied as she began to put the meal on their plates. It was an apology breakfast, he thought to himself, although what it was she was sorry for, he wasn't certain. Chances were it was a blanket apology for any perceived wrong doing she had committed since birth.

"Do you want to get the coffee while I get the juice?" she asked him, breaking through his thoughts.

"Sure, sweetheart."

They each carried on their tasks quietly and then sat down at the table together. "Are they still out there?" Johanna asked after they had each taken a few bites of their meal.

"Yes; but they'll go away soon enough. Just keep the doors locked."

"I will," she promised.

"I'll get the newspaper off the porch later."

"You don't have to worry about me going after it," she replied. "There's nothing in it that I want to see."

Jim gave her a sympathetic smile; he didn't need to see it either, he was pretty sure he knew what two of the headlines were. "It'll blow over, sweetheart; try not to worry about it."

Johanna offered a tight lipped smile of her own; she wasn't good at not worrying about things. "What time will you be home today, honey?"

"Around the usual time," he answered. "Unless you need me to come home earlier…do you want me to stay home today?"

"No; of course not, you have work to do and I'll be perfectly fine here."

He was quiet for a few minutes as he took a few more bites of his breakfast. Finally he broke his silence as he caught her eye. "Do you want to go with me?"

Confusion flicked in her eyes. "What?"

"Do you want to go to the office with me?"

A smile touched her lips. "Honey, you can't take me to work with you."

"Why not? No one will mind; we'll put you to work."

"I thought you said it was best if I stayed retired from the law."

"I did," he replied; "And I still think so, but that doesn't mean you can't read statements and make notes of the important things. I'm not sending you into the courtroom or having you meet clients or witnesses."

Johanna reached for his hand and held it. "I appreciate your offer to take me along; but I don't think it would be a good idea to show up with me unannounced and I don't think I'd be much help to you today anyway. I doubt I'm going to have a lot of focus. Now one day down the road, if I know it's alright with everyone involved, I might consider going to work with you, okay?"

"Okay," he replied as he gave her hand a squeeze. "You can't blame me for trying; we've had some good times working together."

She laughed softly. "I know…I miss those days too."

"Especially our break room run-ins?" he asked.

"Most definitely…I might not have made it through some of those days if I hadn't been able to steal a kiss or two in the break room at some point through the day."

His fingers rubbed against her hand lovingly. "I felt the same way at times."

"We took a lot of opportunities back then," she teased.

"I know," he grinned. "Are you sure you don't want to come along?"

"I'm sure...maybe next time."

She wasn't going to budge, he thought to himself; and he couldn't help but wonder if it was truly because she didn't want to intrude on the group or if it was apart of her tactic to stay hidden away. He didn't want to see her backtracking but he knew that she was. She had taken a step forward and had gotten knocked two steps back…and he'd have to find away to catch her up.

They finished breakfast and he went off to gather up his jacket and his briefcase and then returned to the kitchen where she was clearing away the dishes.

"You're going to be alright?" he asked once again as he slipped his arms around her waist.

Johanna smiled as she gave a small nod. "I'll be fine; I'll keep the doors locked…I'm not going anywhere."

"I know you're not; I just to hate to leave you alone when I know your mind is bogged down with things."

She caressed his cheek. "Sometimes my mind clears itself faster when I'm left to my own devices. I promise I have plenty of things to keep me occupied until you get home."

"Alright," he replied before capturing her lips in a kiss and then drawing her closer for a tight hug. "Call if you need me."

"I will," she promised as she held on to him tightly. "Be careful."

Jim pulled back from her a little and gave her a small smile. "You don't need to worry about me."

"I worry about you every day."

"Why?"

"Because I love you…and I don't know what I'd do if…"

"Shhh," he said as he laid his fingertips against her lips. "No one's bothered me; there's no need for you to be thinking that way."

"I know…but I do sometimes…sometimes I worry they'll try to get back at me by doing something to you."

He saw the glimmer of tears in her eyes and he brushed his thumb against her cheek. "That's not going to happen, sweetheart…I promise I'll be careful."

She blinked back the moisture and gave him a wobbly smile. "I've probably made you paranoid now."

"No, you haven't done that," he replied; and he meant it. He had a feeling her worries could be chalked up to her own paranoia and he didn't blame her for it. If he was in her shoes he'd worry about the same thing. "I'll call and let you know I got there, okay?"

"Okay; have a good day; play nice," she teased softly.

Jim smiled. "I'll try but I'm not making any promises about playing nice; it depends on if their wives imparted that same advice. I'll see you in a little while; I love you."

"I love you too," Johanna replied; stealing one more kiss before she followed him to the door. She locked it behind him and watched from the window as he got into his car and backed out of the driveway and then drove away. She turned back to the sink full of breakfast dishes and blew out a breath. As much as she wanted her husband to stay, she was somewhat glad to have some time alone after everything that had happened the day before.

* * *

Kate sat the table with the plate of smiley face pancakes that Castle had promised her. She nibbled at them, not wanting to hurt his feelings but really she didn't have much of an appetite. At the moment he wasn't there to watch her pick at her breakfast; her writer was in his office on the phone with his publisher, leaving her alone with her pancakes, her thoughts and a mug of hot coffee within reach. Kate suppressed a sigh as she glanced around the loft; it's quietness slightly unnerving. The newspaper was absent as he had promised it would be; the television was turned off. She wished for company at the table but Alexis was at Columbia and Martha had left the evening before and hadn't been seen since. Kate frowned and reached for her coffee; sometimes she liked solitude but apparently today wasn't one of those days.

A key turned in the lock of the door and a moment later Martha swept inside, her purse hooked over her arm and a small bakery box in hand. "Good morning, Martha," Kate called out to her.

"Kate; darling, good morning," the actress replied as she took off her coat and laid it across the stand along with her purse before carrying the bakery box to the table. "I guess I'm earlier than I thought if you're still having breakfast."

Kate offered her a smile. "I take it things are still going well with your mysterious baker man?" she asked with a nod at the box.

"Fabulous," the older woman winked as she poured herself a cup of coffee. "I do believe he's trying to increase my dress size with all of these treats though. I mentioned it to him and he said the sweetest thing."

"Oh? What was that?"

"He said; Martha, I don't care a lick about what size you wear; you'll always be beautiful to me."

"That's sweet," Kate agreed; "And he's right; you would still be beautiful."

"Thank you, kiddo," she replied as she joined her at the table. "Where's my wayward son?"

"In the office on the phone."

Martha gave a nod. "I see he made you smiley face pancakes."

She smiled a little. "Yeah; but I'm not really hungry."

"Maybe one of these would be more to your stomach's liking this morning," the older woman said as she opened the bakery box and produced a coffee roll that held a layer of peanut butter icing on top of it.

She had to admit that the sight was somewhat more appealing and she took the roll that Martha offered with a smile. "Thanks; this does look good."

"They do, don't they?" Martha replied as she took one out of the box for herself. "I couldn't resist them when shown my options."

"I don't blame you," Kate said around a bite. "My mother loves peanut butter icing; we always went to this little bakery that wasn't far from my school and they had coffee rolls like this with the peanut butter icing on them and she was just desperate for a recipe for the icing. I'll never forget the day we went in there and she tried to sweet talk the baker into giving it to her."

Martha laughed. "Really?"

She nodded. "Oh yeah; she pleaded, she begged, she sweet talked…she flirted; but he wouldn't budge. He did however enjoy the flirting and gave her a box of the coffee rolls free. I had to swear not to tell Dad that she didn't have to pay for them," she said with a laugh. "After that it was a mission to find a recipe. We went to the library one weekend and went through more cookbooks than I ever imagined had been published and back issues of magazines. We found three; went to the market and bought the supplies and then headed to Grandma's to include her in the testing. The first one was disgusting. The second was tolerable…but the third was perfect and she's been making it ever since."

Martha eyed her knowingly but kept her comments casual. "How old were you during the great icing search?"

"Eleven. The baker was a little disappointed when she told him she had found her own recipe; he said he'd miss her cajoling him to confess…but her smugness about it earned her a box of free cupcakes. Now that I think about it, I think the baker had a crush on my mother."

"Well how could he not," Martha laughed. "A beautiful woman trying to sweet talk him into sharing a trade secret; it probably made his day."

She laughed. "It probably did brighten his day when she popped in."

Silence fell for a moment as they nibbled at their coffee rolls. "How's your mother doing?" Martha asked.

"She's okay, I guess. I haven't talked to her since last night."

She had sensed that; and while it wasn't odd for a person to take a stroll down memory lane, Martha had deduced that's Kate's stroll came from the fact that she missed simpler days with her mother…days free of the turmoil they were currently battling. "I'm sure the media will find something else to amuse them in a day or two," she said gently.

"I hope so; if there's one thing she hates, it's to be embarrassed."

"Is she the only one who's embarrassed?" the actress asked astutely.

Kate's brow rose as she glanced at her. "What do you mean?"

"I mean; did her panic attack embarrass you just as much as it did her?"

The bite of roll in her mouth turned to sawdust and she struggled to swallow it. "I'd be the last person to judge her for having a panic attack; I've had a few myself."

"I'm not saying you judge her for it…I'm asking if you were embarrassed because it happened in public."

"I'm embarrassed for her," she said slowly. "They should've never filmed that."

"Kate," Martha replied; her tone gentle but firm. "Are you sure you aren't embarrassed for yourself? That you're not thinking about people looking at you as the daughter of that woman who had a minor breakdown in public yesterday?"

She'd be lying if she said the thought hadn't crossed her mind but she didn't really want to dig into that feeling. It was best left ignored. "People think what they want; it happened, it's over…and she probably won't venture out on her own again for a good while so I'd say we probably don't have to worry about it happening again."

Martha arched a brow. "Avoiding the question, darling?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

The older woman smiled. "It's alright to feel that way; it's natural. I've embarrassed Richard more times than I can count."

"It wasn't her fault."

"No one said it was."

Kate laid the remaining portion of her coffee roll on her plate. "It's my fault…I put her in that situation because I didn't tell her what she needed to know."

"I doubt she feels that way."

"The words 'how could you do this to me' imply that she does and she has every right to feel that way."

"So now the two of you aren't speaking?" Martha asked.

She gave a shake of her head. "It's not like that. I'm not mad at her; I'm just giving us some space for a few days."

"Do you think that's what she wants…or is that what you want?"

Kate shrugged. "I don't know; I just think it's best."

"Are you worried about the investigation?" the actress asked as she switched tactics for the time being.

"I'd have to be crazy not to; but the logical side of my brain says it'll be fine."

"What else is on your mind this morning, ruining your appetite?" Martha asked as she picked up her cup to take a sip of coffee.

"Public images," she confessed. "Mom kept talking about how the things we say and do will be thought about by jury members, and Castle has mentioned how things I do or say look in the media, etcetera; and I keep thinking, do I need to start molding some image of myself? I mean I hate the way that even sounds, I'm me and I like to be private…but everyone's watching, Martha; and I don't know what to do."

Martha smiled sympathetically. "Darling, image is very important in my business; some people thrive on the good girl/guy image others on the bad girl/guy image…some are notoriously private and their image is molded on that; others are completely open. A big public image for you has meant showing your badge and announcing yourself as a member of the NYPD…but now you might have to consider more. I don't purport to know the minds of juries; that's your mother's stage and roll; given her experience, I wouldn't doubt her word for a moment. It does make sense that jury members would think of all they had seen and heard previous to a trial. Richard knows a great deal about being in the public eye, as you know. He's had his slip ups and learned from them, he can guide you through it if you want to start building a better public image to put out there."

"He keeps suggesting that I make a statement."

"It might not be a bad idea," the actress replied. "I understand your reasons for not doing so, Kate; but it does make you look standoffish in some ways…and it makes you the paparazzo's favorite kind of target. They love a challenge; you might be doing yourself a favor by bending this once."

"I guess I'm afraid that if I bend once they'll keep expecting me to do it."

Martha smiled. "But you're Kate Beckett; no one pushes that gal around unless she let's them. Do it on your own terms, dear. Don't wait until you're forced into it somehow. Give it some thought; Richard will help you."

"I know he will…I just have to think about it."

Martha nodded. "Of course you do; it's not a decision to be made lightly."

"I'll give it serious thought," Kate said sincerely.

Martha reached across the table and grasped her hand. "Something else to keep in mind; space is fine, but too much can be damaging. You might be sitting here thinking your mother blames you, but chances are she's blaming herself…and every day she doesn't hear from you will increase that blame and self loathing that she's prone too. I know you've been hurting for a very long time, that you still hurt; but Johanna Beckett hurts clear down to her soul too and she's been beaten down in ways you and I can't even begin to imagine. She needs time and understanding…she needs love and support just as much as you do. Take your space; but don't let it linger over pride or worry about who's blaming who for what. She's probably not going to push you; it'll be up to you to open the door back up. Don't keep it closed for long, Kate."

"I won't," she promised.

"Good; now finish your coffee roll; I earned them," Martha stated; a smug grin crossing her lips as her eyes lit up with amusement.

"Two of my three favorite women sharing breakfast; what a lovely sight," Castle quipped as he entered the room, making his way to Martha's side to kiss her cheek.

"Good morning, dear," his mother told him. "Kate and I were just catching up."

"Speaking of catching up, after I got off the phone, I checked my Twitter," Castle said as he got a fresh cup of coffee, glancing at Kate over his shoulder. "Some of my followers are asking if you and your mother are alright. Can I put out a tweet saying you're fine or would you rather me ignore it?"

"You can send out a tweet; it's nice to know some people care."

"A lot of people care," he replied as he pulled his phone from his pocket so that he could compose the tweet and post it.

"Sometimes it's hard to believe that," Kate replied as she finished her coffee.

"I know; but there is support out there; just keep that in mind."

"And there's support in here," Martha added. "Never forget that we're all behind you, Kate. You're family; we love you."

Kate smiled as she got up from the table and she moved around it to kiss Martha's cheek. "Thanks, Martha; I love you too."

Martha gave her a smile as she squeezed her hand. "Keep your chin up, dear. It'll all look better somewhere down the road."

She gave a nod as she reached across the table and grabbed her plate and carried it to the sink. "I better get to work," she told Castle as she paused beside him. "You'll be along soon?"

"I'll be there with fresh coffee in hand before you even have a chance to miss me."

"Good," she smiled before cupping his face and drawing him near for a long, sweet kiss.

"Mm," he murmured as they came up for air; "Now that's a good morning kiss."

Kate grinned. "I have to make it good so it'll last all day."

"That's a sentiment I can get behind anytime," he commented as he stole one more kiss. "I'll see you in a little while; be careful."

"I will," she promised as she left the kitchen with a wave to Martha as she went.

* * *

After completing her housework, Johanna drifted into the office. She had been spending some time at the piano every day, making an effort to re-hone her skill. Today, however, she didn't feel inclined to practice; her mind too heavy to focus on finding the right notes. Instead she drifted to the radio which sat upon the middle shelf of the built-in bookcases and turned it on. She flipped the stations for a moment before settling upon one that catered to a variety of genres and decades.

Johanna crossed the room to her desk and settled down in her old comfortable mauve chair. She opened her laptop; mindless distraction was her goal and she figured that she'd find that somewhere on the internet. She decided to check her email first, although she wasn't sure why. It wasn't like she had a lot of friends and family eager to keep in touch. Her email usually consisted of store advertisements and coupons but today she found two surprises amongst the usual offers. The first message was from Rick. He had finished the two versions of the scene he had told her about that she had offered to read. Johanna scanned his message, taking in the details of the plot he had outlined for her as background information and what had led to the scenes that were attached. She smiled; she had thought that he had changed his mind about letting her read the scene that was giving him trouble. There was eagerness to dive into her special sneak peek but she closed the message; she'd save it for later when her mind was more focused. She wanted to give him her best thoughts and opinion.

The second message was from Carolyn. Her friend from Wyoming was doing her best to stay in touch, but Johanna sometimes sensed that she was still coming to terms with the situation despite her support. They had only spoken on the phone once since she and Jim had gotten back to New York; but the emails came at least once every week or two. She opened the message hoping to find the usual idle gossip and an update on her friend's life.

 _Johanna,_

 _I saw you on the news last night; I wanted to call but I figured you might not be feeling up to talking based on what I saw. Are you okay? My heart broke for you, seeing all of those people crowding around you, making no effort to ease your situation or to give you privacy._

 _You've had enough hardship to last you a life time and I know how hard you're working to re-acclimate yourself with your family and friends and your home in general; this intrusion upon you at this time is heartless to say the least. I hope that if there's anything I can do for you that you'll let me know. I know we're separated by miles, but I'm here for you; call whenever you need to and feel free to write as often as you'd like. I hope I haven't given you the impression that I've been distancing myself from you; I haven't meant to, I suppose I was trying to give you space and less reminders of where you had spent the last several years._

Johanna closed her eyes; so her panic attack had gone to the national level…she shouldn't be surprised; after all, everything else related to the whole scenario had as well. Humiliation washed over her once more but she opened her eyes and refocused her attention on Carolyn's message that continued on with the gossip and life updates that she had been hoping for. When she finished reading, she wrote a reply, assuring her friend that she was fine and thanking her for her continued friendship. She did her best to sound upbeat and optimistic as she gave her own updates; but she had a feeling Carolyn would see through her charade…she always did.

She moved on from there to a shopping website; figuring if she couldn't shop in public that she may as well shop online. By the time she finished, her order totaled over two hundred dollars and she cringed slightly. Her credit cards were all issued from Jim's accounts for the time being as Agent Jenkins had asked her to wait a few months before trying to apply for her own so that they'd have everything straightened out with her name. She sighed as she read the confirmation page saying that her order had been placed...she'd just have to remember to tell Jim she'd been in need of retail therapy when the bill rolled in; he might grumble a little but he'd understand...and most likely be slightly offended when she offered to pay for it. She'd worry about it later though, after all, her husband was used to her therapy methods.

* * *

A half hour later, Johanna was catching up on the headlines of the entertainment industry when her phone rang. She smiled as saw Jim's picture on the screen and she hurried to accept the call. "Hi, honey."

"Sweetheart," he said a little too sweetly; instantly putting her on alert.

"Yes?" she asked; a slight lilt in her voice.

"Did you just charge $238.73 online?" he asked.

She was quiet for a moment before speaking. "I got free shipping."

"So that's a yes?"

"Yeah…I didn't mean to charge that much…but I got caught up in a shopping haze."

"I think I've heard that one before," Jim replied.

"It's true every time I say it."

"What the hell did you buy?"

"Well I didn't get to go to the bookstore like I had planned yesterday so I figured I'd get it online…and then they gave me some recommendations of other books I might like…"

"You spent $238 on books?"

"No; and they're not all for me; I got you some too."

"Did you really or are you just saying that?"

"I really did," she retorted. "I also bought some DVDs because they were having a sale on TV series DVDs…I got us some more Gunsmoke and I found a season of Mary Tyler Moore I didn't have, oh and I got a good deal on Dr Quinn; you know how much I loved that show when it was on; I got a few other shows too that we both like."

Jim was quiet for a moment before he spoke once more; "Is that all?"

"I might've gotten a few crossword puzzle books that People magazine put out…and maybe a pair of shoes."

"I had a feeling there was a pair of shoes somewhere," he replied.

"I'll transfer money out of my account into yours."

"It's not my account; it's ours, and you'll do no such thing."

"How did you find out about the charge already anyway?" she asked; slightly perturbed that she hadn't had a chance to prepare her usual defense and break the news gently about the bill she had racked up.

"When it's over a certain amount; they send me an alert on my phone."

"You could've warned me about that," Johanna remarked.

"What's the fun in that?"

"None of my credit cards I had ever did that."

"You have to sign up for it; I can see now that's going to be a beautiful thing to have…now I'll know before the bill rolls in and save you the expense and time of a steak dinner."

"I did get the free shipping, keep that in mind."

"I'm glad you got something free."

"I'll pay for it; I'll transfer the money while I'm online."

"I said no," Jim stated. "I was just checking to make sure it was you using the card. It's fine; we'll chalk it up to a needed day of retail therapy."

She smiled a little. "I love you."

"I love you too," he replied, his voice warm and tinged with fond amusement. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine."

"Are you through shopping? You might want to leave something for the next time you go out."

Johanna gave a short laugh. "That's not going to happen. All of my shopping will be done online from now on but I'm finished for today. I've moved on to other things online."

"Jo," he said; his tone dropping a level. "You're not going to stay inside forever…I'm not going to let you."

She exhaled a heavy breath. "If we have this conversation now, I might have to go back and get those few things I took out of my cart before placing the order."

"Are you blackmailing me?" Jim laughed.

"No; I'm suggesting that your topic of conversation might extend my need for retail therapy…and you wouldn't want that, would you?"

"Probably not…but we will talk about it eventually."

"But not today," she stated softly. "Carolyn emailed me…she saw it on the news."

"I'm sorry," he murmured.

"It's not your fault; it's mine…I'm the one who fell apart…but they're never going to see it happen again."

Jim hated to end the conversation, but he needed to get back to work. "We'll talk about it later, sweetheart. I'm not trying to get you off the phone but I need to get back to work."

"I know," she replied; the smile that she allowed to touch her lips coming through in her voice. "I'll see you in a little while."

"I'll see you later...try not to max out the credit card and stay off the news sites; I mean it."

"I promise," she told him. "Go do your work, I'm fine."

They said goodbye and Johanna exited the page she had been browsing on Macys website with a sigh...that pair of boots she was contemplating would have to wait until another day.

* * *

Jim slipped his phone into his pocket and then turned to the counter to fill his coffee cup; the quietness of the break room allowing old memories to flow through his mind. He and Johanna had stolen moments and kisses in this room; they had lingered there; they had ignored each other there when they were fighting. A small smile touched his lips as he recalled how he had always entered that room with the hope that he'd find her there. The smile faded, a heavy breath crossing his lips as he expelled it from his lungs. If only they could go back to those times. Back then his only worry was trying to keep other interested men away from what he had claimed as his…even before he had properly claimed her himself.

Antonio Caruthers stepped into the room at that moment and Jim smiled; there was one of the men that had concerned him long ago in his quest to have Johanna to himself.

"Jim," his colleague greeted with a smile as he moved toward him and held out his hand to shake.

He shook his hand. "I was just thinking about you, Antonio."

"You were?" he asked with a slight grin. "How bad was it?"

Jim laughed. "Not too bad."

"Are you having second thoughts about nominating me to join this case you're all working on?"

"Not all," he replied sincerely.

Antonio picked up the coffee pot and filled his mug. "I was just getting ready to join you all but I'm glad I caught you alone for a moment. I saw the news last night; how is Johanna doing?"

"She's okay…humiliated but otherwise fine. I just got off the phone with her; she's shopping online with my credit card."

"Online shopping is the worst thing they ever invented," Antonio remarked. "Now wives can shop at home in comfort; which means they buy twice as much."

"Is Isabel spending all your money?" he laughed.

"She makes a good effort at it."

"Is that why you haven't retired from the day to day yet? I thought you had a date circled on your calendar to get out of here."

"I'm waiting on my youngest to get out of college….he should finally finish up in the spring…unless he has another surprise for me."

Jim shook his head. "I'm glad I only had one kid."

Antonio nodded. "You're a wise man. Will you tell Johanna hello for me and give her my fondest regards?"

"Of course I will; she'll be glad to hear from you."

Amusement gleamed in Antonio's dark eyes. "There won't be any problem about it, will there?"

Jim laughed. "You're never going to let me live that down are you?"

They headed out the door together and moved in the direction of the conference room. "How can I ever let you forget your insane jealousy?" Antonio asked. "You were so convinced that I was trying to steal her from you."

"Well you did keep charming her with your accent and stories of Argentina…and kissing her hand."

"It was all purely innocent."

He gave him a teasing grin. "I'm still not entirely convinced of that but since she married me, I no longer view you as a threat."

His colleague chuckled. "That's good to know; but I already had Isabel back then; you had nothing to worry about."

"You know how it is."

"I know how it is," Antonio said; his tone warm and friendly as always. "I'm just glad that once you got over your issues that we were able to become friends."

"I am too."

"Perhaps one evening soon, you and Johanna can join Isabel and I for dinner."

"That would be nice," Jim answered as they stepped into the conference room. "I'm sure Jo would like that if I can ever get her out of the house again."

"Where's my dinner invitation?" Jeff asked as he looked up from the work in front of him. "If memory serves me, Isabel is a fantastic cook."

"You're more than welcome to come, Jeff," Antonio replied as he took a seat; "But you have to leave your wife at home; Isabel says she gives her violent urges."

Jeff nodded. "No problem; sometimes she makes me feel the same way."

"Which brings about that age old question," Zach announced. "Why the hell did you marry her?"

"I believe I already confessed to my terminal stupidity. It wasn't so bad at first…it was a nice companionship for those first few months…it's been downhill from there."

"I did suggest a divorce," Jim reminded him.

"I know…I'm just not sure I want to go through that again."

"Why not?" Zach asked. "It'll be easier this time around; there are no kids involved."

He shrugged. "I don't know."

"You love her?" Antonio asked.

Jeff scoffed mildly. "I wouldn't say that love has ever been in the equation."

"Then you really need to get out of that equation," Jim remarked. "You can find someone better that you can love."

Jeff shoved away from the table and moved to the window to gaze out at the city. "I don't think so…I loved a woman before."

The room was quiet for a moment; none of them daring to speak as they weighed the merits of responses. Finally, Jim took the plunge. "It's no secret that you've never stopped loving Maggie."

"Yeah…well, you know how that goes."

"She's divorced now," Zach said; allowing the statement to dangle in the air.

"What's your point?"

"Maybe you two could…catch up?"

"Yeah; I just bet she'd want to do that," Jeff retorted. "Jim; did you check in with Sassy? Is she the one going to town on your credit card?"

"Yeah; it was her. We're just going to chalk it up to retail therapy. She says she'll be doing all of her shopping online now."

"That doesn't sound good," his best friend said as he turned his back to the window.

"Is she backsliding?" Zach asked.

"She's crawling back into her shell," he answered. "She's very embarrassed by what happened yesterday and she says it won't ever happen again because she's not going out…I don't know what I'm going to do."

"You can't let her lock herself away," Antonio commented.

"Yeah; you got to get her back on the horse," Jeff agreed; "Or rather, back in the Mustang."

"She told me to sell her Mustang."

Zach eyed him. "You didn't jump for joy and post an ad on Craigslist, did you?"

"No! I told her I'm not selling her car."

"Good; then you do have a brain cell in there somewhere."

Jim smirked at him. "You're very helpful, Zach."

"You're just going to have to make her go out."

"I know that," he stated; "And I will…my problem is; how do I get her back to that place where she was ready to go out on her own? I don't want her to be afraid of that again. She's always telling me that she feels like the star of a freak show…and I know she's lonely for company other than me. She has her brother and sister-in-law and her niece came to visit, but…"

"But a lot of people have turned their backs," Jeff finished for him.

"Yeah."

"Perhaps it's time to find people who won't turn their backs," Antonio suggested. "Who is left in her family? I believe I recall that her parents passed on long before any of this."

Jim nodded. "Her parents are gone. Her sister doesn't want anything to do with her."

"What about aunts or uncles? Surely there's someone left that has known her all her life; that could make her feel in touch with her roots. I'm sure her brother is a great comfort but perhaps Johanna needs a motherly or fatherly influence in her life to help her heal."

He thought about it for a moment. "Bridget," he said aloud as the name came to him. "Bridget is her father's sister and she was always a second mother to Jo; when she came home she thought Frankie was probably the only one left who had known her since birth but he told her that Bridget is still living in Long Island. Jo's cousin got a hold of her a few weeks ago and confirmed all of that."

"Then get in contact with Aunt Bridget and see if you can take Jo out there to see her," Jeff stated. "Maybe she would feel stronger if she had more love and support at her back. What about your family? I know Madelyn's a no go, but what about Andrew? He always loved Jo; and he's got a daughter she doesn't know and could be spoiling."

"He's been traveling a lot; Gabby's been staying with Madelyn; but he'll be back here soon. I'll have to get him to come over."

Zach nodded. "Start rounding people up; show her that there are people that are glad she's home."

"I'm doing the best I can…I tried to get Sharon to talk to her but that was a bust."

"That's because she's a stubborn mule," Jeff muttered.

Jim blew out a breath. "I agree that Jo needs more support and I'm going to do what I can to get it for her but I don't think it's going to help get her out of the house."

"You're just going to have to find a reason that will make her go out on her own," Antonio stated.

"Have you told her about the hunting trip yet?" Zach asked.

"I can't go on that trip. I can't leave her alone right now."

"I think you have to," Jeff replied. "It might be the only way."

"And we're not letting you out of this trip…so you better tell her or one of us will," Zach reminded him.

"I'm sure Katie will look in on her mother while we're gone," Antonio commented.

"Or better yet; maybe Katie can go stay with her," Zach suggested.

"That isn't going to happen. She's always with Rick and now she and Jo are at odds with each other because Katie didn't feel the need to inform us of this little investigation bombshell."

"Jo's a big girl; she doesn't need a babysitter," Jeff remarked. "You're going and she'll be fine. You can call her from the lodge every night. It's no different than when you leave her home to go to work."

Jim suppressed a frustrated breath. It wasn't that he didn't want to go on the trip; he did…he just wouldn't feel right leaving Johanna behind. Katie had her job and Rick…and when Bracken had been arrested she had been cut free from the responsibility of keeping an eye on her mother…and he knew that Johanna wouldn't want to feel like a burden to her. His wife would insist that she'd be fine…and she probably would be; but he'd still feel like he had abandoned her to days of loneliness.

"You're just going to have to make her go out on her own before the trip so she can get back to where she was," his friend went on. "Stop coddling her; it's the last thing she needs."

The remark irritated him as he felt Jeff was taking some issue with his own wife out on him. "Don't tell me not to coddle my wife. No one understands what she's been through; you don't just snap your fingers and she's better; especially in the midst of a media frenzy. I'll take care of her the way I always have and I don't care who likes it and who doesn't. And I'm not going on that damn trip."

"Fine," Jeff replied; "You're not doing her or you any favors but that's your business. It'll eventually blow up in your face but so be it; that's how you and Jo like to do things…after all, that's how you ended up together."

"Why don't you take some of your own advice and do something about your own marriage?" Jim retorted.

"Why the hell is everyone gripping?" Zach asked. "Jim; you need to stop coddling so much and do more pushing. Jeff, quit being stupid and get a divorce; and all of us need to go out into the wilderness and shoot at things! God knows we have plenty of steam to blow off. Now let's quit talking about our wives and get our damn work done so those of us who want to go home to them can do so."

Jim pulled his notes in front of him and opened up the next file in his stack. He'd find a way to help Johanna; he wouldn't let her down.

* * *

"You know, I don't think I've ever been to a restaurant that didn't have windows in the dining room," Kate commented half way through their meal.

"It's for privacy," Castle answered. "Prying eyes from the outside are kept out; that's what makes it a favorite spot of celebrities, politicians and anyone else who can afford the menu. I picked it because of the lack of windows. I didn't want you to worry about who was watching you eat."

She gave him a smile; "You're a genius."

"I know; I've been telling you that for years; you just refused to believe me."

"Well don't let this temporary admission go to your head; I'm sure before the day is out you'll have mentioned something about alien mobsters that will have me taking it back."

"First of all, alien mobsters would be awesome; and second, you can never take it back now," he told her. "From the 60s until the early 80s, this was an exclusive restaurant and nightclub called the Blue Moon. It catered to clientele who needed a place for their illicit liaisons."

"Is that the truth or are you making up a story for me?"

"No; it's true. This was the go to place for a date with your mistress that your wife wouldn't find out about."

A hint of a smile touched her lips; "You take me to the nicest places, Rick."

He laughed; "It's not like that now."

"I know; just teasing you," she replied; rubbing her foot against his leg under the table. "Why did it close down? It isn't like illicit liaisons went out of style in the 80s."

"Well…someone's wife found out…and she contacted the husband of the person who her husband was having an affair with and the man flew into a rage and came in here and shot the guy. After that business waned."

Kate nodded; "Yeah; I guess that would kill business," she commented and then she cringed; "Oh God, that sounded like something you'd say."

Castle smiled brightly and laid a hand over his heart. "I'm so proud; your corruption is now complete."

She glanced around the room, making sure no one was listening to them. "Maybe we shouldn't use the word corruption in public, even in a joking sense…you know, with everything that's going on."

He studied her for a minute; maybe the moment had arrived to delve into whatever was on her mind. "What's on your mind today, Kate? And don't tell me nothing because I know it's something. You've been quiet and somewhat off all morning. Let's have it."

She sighed and pushed her hair back from her face. "Public images," she said for the second time that day.

"What about them?"

"Do I need to start molding one?"

He considered her words carefully; "Before I answer that, what do you mean exactly?"

"I mean do I need to start molding an image…for the press?"

He took a deep breath and released it; "You already have an image…but you could build upon it and hone it if it that's what you want."

"At the moment some might say I come off as stand-offish," Kate commented.

Castle nodded; "You do when you're being pursued by the media; but that's understandable. What is it that you'd want to show in this image of yours?"

"I don't know; I mean I don't want to change myself; I don't want to feel like I'm acting out a role but I want people to quit thinking that I have something to hide, that I hate my mother, that I'm going to lose my job because of this investigation. I want them to know that I'm confident I did nothing wrong, that we know the right man is behind bars…that I love my mom and that she's in my life."

"Those are all good things to show, and they're easy to put out there. All you have to do is make a statement, Kate. It might help, it might not; but either way, it's probably going to make you look better to the faction of society that you're worrying about…and just out of curiosity, why are you worrying about them suddenly?"

"It's not sudden; but a lot of it comes back to something my mom said; about how everyone is watching, including potential jury members and how they think of all of this stuff in relation to what they learn at a trial. And she's right; I can't have people thinking badly of me; not when someone could take that into consideration. I honestly don't think Bracken stands a chance in hell of getting out of this at the trial…but why take that risk?"

"I see where you're coming from; and you're right, it is important to keep a good image in front of the public, especially now with this investigation. Start with not grabbing any more reporters…unless it's really necessary," Castle remarked; a touch of a smile on his lips to lighten the mood.

Kate gave a soft laugh as she nodded. "Yeah, I know; I can't fly off the handle like that publicly anymore."

"Take it out on the punching bag at the gym; it's better for everyone that way."

"I know…and I have been thinking more about making a statement. I know we talked about it a little last night and I've been thinking about it all day."

"And?" he asked.

"And I think maybe it's time."

Castle took her hand, not caring who among the patrons may or may not be looking. "You're sure you want to go down that road."

"Yeah; but I'll need your help," she told him. "I'm not good with writing that type of thing."

"I'm always here to help you, Kate. Tonight, after dinner, we'll sit down and work on it. I'll put Paula on alert that I'm going to have something for her. She'll keep it quiet until she puts it out."

"You really think this is the right step?" she asked as she second guessed herself for the millionth time that day.

"I do," he stated; "You're showing people you're making an effort; there can't be anything wrong with that."

"You'll help me…with all of it?"

"Always," he murmured; "You know that."

Kate bobbed her head in agreement and then cast a quick glance around, making sure no one would overhear. "I love you," she whispered.

"I love you too…and don't worry; it's all going to work out."

"I'll just be glad when it's behind us."

"Me too; but in the mean times, we can find ways to make the wait more pleasant."

She smiled; "More appointments with the doctor?"

"Of course…but the doctor may have more than just one trick up his sleeve," he said with a wiggle of his brow.

Kate laughed. "Oh? And what would these tricks be?"

"I can't not reveal my tricks just yet…I have to wait and make sure the stars align, the moment is right, and that the universe is firmly on my side," Castle remarked.

"Sounds serious."

"I'm always serious when it comes to you."

"Always?" she asked; disbelief in her eyes.

"Okay; there may have been a few occasions when seriousness didn't rank high…but you'll be pleased; I guarantee it."

A warm smile curved her lips upwards. "I'll be looking forward to it…whatever it is."

* * *

After she had ended her call with Jim and exited the shopping pages, Johanna turned her attention back to other pursuits on the internet. She decided it was time to check in on Rick's Twitter page; an old habit she had from her days in Wyoming. She used to check his page almost daily hoping for a mention of Kate. The webpage loaded and Johanna glanced at Castle's most recent tweet which had been posted four hours before.

" _For those of you who asked; Beckett and her mom are fine. Bad days don't keep them down for long."_

She didn't doubt that people had inquired about Kate, but she found it hard to believe that anyone who didn't know her would care about her. She decided to click on the tweet to see the responses. Most were supportive…others not so much. She frowned as she read a message from someone who thought it was funny that she was a 'basket case'. Another asked Castle what he'd do when Kate lost her job. Some commented that they weren't fooled by the happy family story; especially in light of Kate leaving her in the dark about the investigation.

One tweet in particular caught her eye. It was from Vixen_MTC; and Johanna recalled that this person had commented on the photo Rick had tweeted of her and Kate.

" _If you ask me, cracks in the armor are beginning to show. They're two bad actresses in a show they can't pull off."_

The comment chaffed Johanna's feelings and being that this was the second hateful comment this person had made about her and her daughter, she clicked on the screen name to go to her page; hoping she'd find out who the woman was. She drummed her fingers on the desk as the page loaded and she smirked at the cartoon caricature of a trampy looking witch that Vixen used as her profile picture. "Probably fitting," Johanna muttered aloud.

Her eyes moved to the brief bio the woman had written. She listed her location as New York City; and had described herself as 'A woman who tells it like it is, whether you can handle it or not; always gets what she wants no matter what it takes, and loves to have good times.'

Johanna had a feeling that if she ever met Vixen, she'd have the urge to punch her in the face and give her a new version of reality. She tore her gaze from the bio and profile picture and looked to Vixen's most recent tweet.

" _Don't miss my newest post about the ongoing Beckett saga,"_ the tweet read; and attached to it was a link to a blog.

Her heart pounded; surely this person had better things to do with their time than to write a blog about her and her family. She moved the cursor over the link; hesitating…but then her finger betrayed her and she clicked the link.

Johanna held her breath as the page loaded; the background reminding her of the opening of Bewitched; the cartoon caricature of the witch that was Vixen's profile picture on Twitter was present as her profile picture on her blog as well. 'Musings of a Vixen' was spelled out across the top of the page in black script. The most recent post had been added that morning, the headline above it proclaiming 'The Ongoing Beckett Saga'.

Johanna's heart thudded against her ribs. There above the text of the post was a series of photos, showcasing her panic attack and Kate's ambush outside the precinct. She forced her eyes away from the image and focused on the text.

 _"Johanna Beckett had a very public meltdown early yesterday afternoon as she was confronted by reporters," the post began. "Apparently she couldn't handle the serious questions, but then again; it's no surprise. If she was capable of answering questions; she would've spoken by now. Surprisingly, however, the vigilant media was finally able to get her to utter a statement once they broke the news to her that her sainted detective daughter is being investigated by the NYPD's department of Internal Affairs (and it's probably high time it's been done). As expected; Johanna declared the statements to be false...proving once and for all that she and her daughter do not speak; because surely this is information that a daughter would share with her mother since it concerns them both in many ways._

 _Isn't it a sad day when your lies catch up with you? Remember that lovely staged photo that Richard Castle tweeted, showing mother and daughter smiling as they sat together on a porch swing? We all knew it was fake. No one forgives and forgets that easily, no matter the reason...especially when it comes to the abandonment; and let's face it; Johanna Beckett did abandon her family in the time honored tradition of saving herself. I say she's a prime candidate for Mother of the Year, wouldn't you?"_

Johanna's throat constricted with a cry she refused to release. Who the hell did this woman think she was to cast such judgments? She took a moment to compose herself and then went on reading the recap of the events of the day before. Vixen took undisclosed glee in her panic attack and the fact that she had to be 'rescued by a relative who had been shopping in a store at the scene'. She went on, bringing up Jim in the next section of her post.

 _"One must ask where Jim Beckett was in all of this; after all, our little recluse has never ventured away from home without benefit of a protector up to this point. What made yesterday different? And allow me to remind you that during the outing previous to yesterday's disaster, Johanna was accompanied by Richard Castle instead of her husband. So much for that front of solidarity they had been presenting. Has Jim Beckett finally opened his eyes to his wife's toxic nature? Are cracks forming in the Beckett marriage? Smart people know that they've been there all along; a 13 year separation full of lies and they expect people to believe that they just kissed and made up? Please. We're not that stupid...or at least I'm not."_

"Bitch," Johanna stated as she glared at the screen, anger and hurt fighting for dominance in her veins. Vixen finished up that section of thought, talking about how she had been whisked away by her rescuers and then moved on to Kate's IA investigation.

 _"Kate Beckett seems to be a woman who thinks she can make her own rules; clearly she takes after her mother in that regard; but now her badge may be on the line as she faces an investigation in regard to the arrest of Senator Bracken. We have to wonder though if it'll actually go anywhere as it should; Detective Beckett does have a lot of connections; mainly through her tag along writer/partner Richard Castle; who counts the mayor among his closest friends. It's not hard to imagine that strings can get pulled in little Katie Beckett's favor...apparently it pays to sleep with best selling authors; perhaps we should all give it a try."_

"I'm going to find out who you are, you bitch," Johanna remarked quietly; "And when I do; you're going to pay." Anger made her hand tremble and she shoved away from the desk; pacing the floor for a few minutes in agitation before returning to her seat and reading more.

 _"If anyone believes that Kate Beckett isn't carrying on an affair with her so called partner; then they must be among the stupidest of humanity. And how did you all like that clip of the Queen of Detectives, losing her cool and grabbing hold of the man who showed her the film of her mother's meltdown? Not exactly the behavior we want NYPD's finest presenting, is it? I figure it's safe to say that Kate has her mama's looks, and her hair trigger temper. I hope IA gives a long hard look at her; perhaps it would be best if she was removed from the streets."_

"I'm going to remove you from the planet when I get my hands on you," Johanna said to the screen. Anger was clouding her thoughts as she read the rest of the post, but the ending made her pause; unease sliding down her spine.

 _"I suppose we won't see much of Johanna now that she's made such a spectacle of herself in public. She's never been one to shy away from the outside world in the past, in fact her phobias as far as I know were only limited to a fear of heights...but now I suppose we'll add fear of public outings to the list."_

Fear of heights...fear of heights...the words kept rolling through her mind as she stared at them. That fear wasn't public knowledge...that was something only someone who knew her would know. Her gaze scanned the post picking up other little things. She called Kate 'Katie' at one point. Katie was a name that had only been used by family and friends...her daughter had never publicly gone by Katie in her adult life as far as she knew. That name was still reserved for family and family friends. There was mention of Kate sharing her hair trigger temper. Those were still personal things. Johanna began to scroll through the blog; every photo that the media had published was present...but there were others as well...ones that weren't from the media. There was a picture of her checking her mail; judging from what she had on, it had been taken a few days before. There was a picture of her getting out of her car at Macy's the day before. There was a picture of her arriving home the day she had gone to visit Valerie. There was a picture of Kate at a coffee shop with Rick; one of Jim standing on the sidewalk in front of the law firm with his colleagues.

She scrolled further, observing the other posts that had been made about the ongoing events; more mentions that hinted that Vixen was knowledgeable about her past; things such as a tirade about how women were treated at the law firm she had worked at when her career had began. Johanna well remembered the day she had given Roche a piece of her mind...apparently someone else remembered it well too. More photos appeared; these ones older; showing her at law firm parties in the 70s. There was mention of her early relationship with Jim...or as Vixen had termed it; how she had led him on for three years, putting him under some spell he couldn't shake.

It was getting harder to breath...Vixen knew her...Vixen was some ghost of the past...and she was watching her. Johanna pushed away from her desk once again; moving to the window behind her and closing the blind. She knew it was ridiculous; but she felt exposed...she felt a small tremor of fear. Who was Vixen? How did she even begin to narrow down the possibilities? She scrubbed her hands over her face as she paced. She had to think...she had to figure out who this was...she needed to find a way...and she had to do it without Jim finding out about it. She couldn't tell him; he worried enough.

Johanna calmed herself and then returned to her computer. While she had been searching the blog, she had noticed that comments were welcome, and she clicked on the comment section of the most recent post and scrolled down to the text box. She frowned as she was confronted with the dilemma of providing a name. Her eyes searched the room; landing on the paperweight on her desk that was decorated with hand painted butterflies. 'Crimson Butterfly' she typed in as a name and then in the comment area she wrote 'What makes you an expert on the lives of these people?' She watched intently as the comment posted to the page and then she closed her laptop. Now she played a very tricky game; one of waiting and baiting.

* * *

Jim was oddly quiet that evening as he ate dinner, Johanna thought to herself as she took a bite of her hamburger. His demeanor wasn't relaxed as it had been when they spoke earlier in the day and she could see tension in the set of his jaw. There was only one thing to do, she figured as she swallowed; she'd just have to dive in.

"How was your day?" she asked.

"Fine," he remarked somewhat gruffly.

"Doesn't seem like it. Did something go wrong?"

"No."

"Did you and the boys have words?"

"No; but some of them were in bad moods."

"I see," she replied; "And it rubbed off on you?"

"I'm fine. How was your day?"

"Quiet and uneventful; just the way I wanted it."

Jim glanced at her; deciding he'd give the no coddling, tough love approach a try. "So you finished your session of retail therapy and had enough time to sulk?"

Johanna's brow rose. "If you've got something on your mind, Jim; say it and be done."

He nodded. "Alright, I will. You had all of today to yourself and a shopping spree to help you get over what happened yesterday. I know it embarrassed you but it's over now and you need to let it go and move on. Hiding in the house isn't going to make you feel better. I expect you to get in your car and go somewhere by the end of the week. I don't want to hear any excuses. You wanted a car and your independence and now that you've got it; you're going to use it. I already told you I'll be working a good bit for the next several weeks; I'm not going to be here to take you on your errands that you're capable of doing on your own and Katie isn't going to haul you around either. Thanksgiving is coming up in a few weeks and I know you; you're going to need to run to the store fifty times and I'm not taking you. You're the wife, that's your job, you get in your car and take yourself; because if you think for a minute that you're not cooking Thanksgiving dinner, you're crazy, lady. So you just go ahead and get it through your hard head that you're getting back in that car because this is how it's going to be."

Johanna eyed him for a long moment and then burst into laughter. "Honey; you're adorable when you try to be a dictator."

"I'm serious, Johanna. This is how it's going to be."

"Uh huh," she replied with a nod as she leaned back in her chair, her eyes narrowing slightly. "Now let me tell you a few things, Mr. Beckett. Number one, I already planned on cooking Thanksgiving dinner and if anyone has lost their marbles here, it's you. Number two, if I ask you to go with me to the market; I expect you to go whether I've been anywhere on my own or not, because our marriage has always been one of 'if you ask and its within my power to do, than I will'…and I believe it will be within your power to go to the market with me if I ask…or it just might be that you won't eat because we won't have any groceries. Number three; I'm your wife; not your child or your dog or your servant; so I suggest that you get this new notion out of your head and tell whichever one of your buddies that came up with this plan that it failed. Now, before you drop the quarter in the slot and push the bitch button, we can pretend that you were joking and laugh about it and then try a different approach…or you can push that button and see if you like what comes out. Your choice."

Jim pondered that for a moment; knowing that he had played this hand entirely wrong. "What button do I have to push to get another burger?"

"There's one keeping warm for you on the stove…get it yourself; you're capable."

"I didn't drop my quarter in the slot yet, Jo."

"It feels like it's hovering," she replied as he got his burger.

She waited until he had his burger fixed and then she looked him in the eye. "Well? Are you dropping the quarter in the slot or are we going to laugh?"

He smiled; some of the tension easing in his chest. "You have such a beautiful laugh that I can't resist tormenting you so I can hear it."

"Good choice," his wife replied as she once again picked up her fork to eat more of her own meal. "Now which one of the idiots told you to try that little joke? I'd hate to think it was Jeff, you'd think he'd know me better than that."

"It might've been a general consensus of ideas…I might've over did it."

"You think?" she asked as she arched a brow at him.

"I severely over did it."

Johanna smiled. "I guess you're lucky that I adore you and your blue eyes or you might've met a bad end tonight."

He grinned. "I'm eternally grateful, sweetheart."

It grew quiet for a moment, the lightened atmosphere slowly turning serious once more.

"I might not have meant it the way I said or to those extremes, Jo…but you are going to have to go out on your own again eventually. Locking yourself away in the house is what they want. They want to scare you, annoy you…they want to laugh at you, and as humiliated as you felt about that panic attack; I know you feel even worse when they're laughing at you…and the more you hide, the more they're going to laugh and think they're right about you. It's not that I want you to purposely put yourself in front of them or that I want you out all day every day just to prove a point. I just want you to keep your freedom to come and go as you please…with the same precautions in place that we discussed when you first got your car."

She shifted in her seat. "I might need a few more days…it needs to fade into the background a little."

Jim nodded. "That's understandable; a few days is fine…and maybe you can stick to smaller outings at first, like visiting and grocery shopping. Save Macy's and the other stores for when someone is with you for now but I do understand that you need a few days to feel better about it."

She swallowed back a hasty retort about being glad to have his permission; it wouldn't do to start an argument when she was the one who had offered to have an open dialogue about the issue. After all, she had her own issue to bring to the table that had been brought to her attention. "Why didn't you tell me about the hunting trip you're supposed to go on in November?" she asked; her tone soft and un-accusing.

Jim paused in his chewing for a moment and then continued, his silence stretching across the room as she waited for him to swallow. "Who told you?"

"I can't say."

"Can't or won't?"

"Can't; it was an anonymous text message."

"There's no such thing as an anonymous text message."

"There is when you don't know the number," Johanna replied. "All it said was that you're supposed to go on a hunting trip in November but you haven't told me yet and that they thought I should know."

A small hint of annoyance and anger flooded his veins. "May I see the number?"

"No; not right now. Why didn't you tell me, Jim?"

"There's nothing to tell," he answered. "I'm not going."

"Because of me?" she asked. "The plans were made before I came back into the picture."

He frowned at her words. "Yes, they were made before you came home; but I just don't feel like going."

"Don't look me in the face and lie to me."

"Why? Because that's your game?"

Hurt flickered in her eyes as she held his gaze. "That was uncalled for."

His head bowed; he knew it. "You're right; I'm sorry."

"You should go," she told him as she began to clear the table. "I want you to. You've had these plans for awhile and there's no reason to change them. I told you that I didn't want to upset your life anymore than I already had. It'll do you good to get away for a little while. You have to be sick of me by now."

"I've never been sick of you and I never will be," he remarked; "And I don't consider you coming home to me as an upset to my life; it was an improvement. How many times do I have to tell you that before you get it through your hard head? I think you're the one that has second thoughts about it."

Johanna threw the plate she held into the sink, the clatter echoing in the room as she turned toward him. "Don't you ever say that again! I have never regretted coming home; my only regret was that I ever had to leave so don't you go there. Now you want to pick a fight with me so you don't have to tell me the real reason you kept this from me but I already know. I'm the reason…and that's not a good enough excuse. I want you to go and have fun with your friends. I'll be fine here."

"Well maybe I don't want to take the risk of leaving you alone, Johanna. Maybe I don't want to think about you sitting home alone while I'm away with friends. Do you ever think of that? All you think about is that I'm blaming you for something when I'm not; I just don't want to leave you and if that makes me a terrible person, than so be it."

She took a breath; tried to sort her words into a proper order; one that wouldn't instigate an argument. "It doesn't make you a terrible person…but I think it's more that you're a person who's afraid to go and do this thing that you want to do because you don't trust me to be here when you get back."

He stared at her incredulously. "Where the hell did you get that one from?"

"What else could it be?" she asked gently. "You always went on trips before…so why is it different now?"

"Because we didn't have the things in our lives then that we do now. I don't want you to be alone. It has nothing to do with trusting you; I know you want to be here and that you'll be here when I get back…but how do I know that someone won't try to hurt you if they find out you're alone?"

She shook her head. "No one's going to bother me, Jim. That would be far too suspicious looking. I'm sure you'll be able to call and check in. I'll be fine; I promise. I'm not afraid to be here by myself for a few days. I'm not saying the first day wouldn't feel weird; it would, but I'll be fine…I'd feel much worse if you didn't go when I know that you want to."

"I said that I didn't want to go."

Johanna smiled. "If that was true, you would've told me about it instead of keeping it from me. I have a feeling your refusal to budge on this trip is part of the problem between you and the boys club…and probably why I got that text message. They knew you wouldn't tell…they know I want you to go and have fun."

Jim rose from his chair and crossed the room; pulling her into his arms when he reached her. "It'll be good for you," she murmured as she hugged him tightly. "Maybe it'll be good for both of us."

"How do you figure?"

"You'll be able to relax and I might be forced to do things…like drive to the market."

"You're going to wait that long?"

"I don't know…what if I said I'd try to go out sooner if you promise not to turn down this trip when there's really no reason for you to."

He sighed as he leaned his head against hers and squeezed his eyes shut. "Why do you always have to drive hard bargains?" he asked quietly.

"Because I've seen you in action; you're a man to be reckoned with when it suits you," she replied softly; a note of amusement coloring her tone.

Jim smiled as he brushed a kiss against her hair. "Alright…if it's what you want…then I guess I'll go."

"Good; it'll be okay; you'll see," she told him as she held him tighter. "You'll see."

He brushed a kiss against her lips and then released her so that he could grab the remaining dishes from the table for her. Johanna prepared the sink to wash the dishes, thinking to herself that Jim's reluctance to go away with his friends was exactly why she couldn't tell him about the blog. It would be added worry that he didn't need. She'd get to the bottom of it on her own.

* * *

After their take out dinner had been eaten and the remains cleared away, Castle had brought a tablet of paper and some pens to the table along with his laptop and sat down across from Kate. He pushed the pad of paper in front of her and held out the pens for her to select one.

"Now what?" she asked after selecting a blue pen.

"Now you write what you want to say; the things you told me that you want people to know," he answered. "Take your time, anything that feels awkward we can smooth out in the editing process."

Kate tapped her pen against the tablet in front of her; feeling like the blank page was mocking her as the minutes passed without a single word being written. "I don't know how to start," she said as she glanced at Castle. "Stop being jackasses and leave me alone, probably isn't the best approach."

"Definitely not," Castle agreed with a smile. "What if you start with something along the lines of 'I strive to keep my personal life private, but I realize that many of you have questions about these ongoing events?"

Kate wrinkled her nose. "That doesn't sound like something I'd say…at all."

"Okay; how about, 'In light of recent events, I've decided to speak publicly this one time…"

"No," she said with a shake of her head as she interrupted him. "That doesn't feel right either."

Castle was silent for a moment as he mulled over the possibilities for the opening of the statement. "What about, 'I understand there is great interest in this case…"

"I don't know, Castle; that doesn't seem quite right either."

He nodded; undaunted by her vetoes. "Let's go about this in a different way. Sometimes when I write and I'm stuck on a certain part, I skip to another. Instead of writing the opening of the statement, write about one of the things you want to focus on, like the IA investigation or your mother."

"Okay; maybe I'll try the IA investigation first. Any tips on that?"

"I'll let you know after I see what you come up with."

"Gee thanks," she replied sarcastically.

Castle grinned. "Hey, I don't often take on the roll of editor, I have to do it right."

"Just for that, I hope my mother emails you back a long message about both of your scenes with her in depth opinions…some of which will make you cringe."

He grimaced a little. "They really need to invent an un-send button."

"I thought you weren't worried about her insightful opinions?"

"Well I am now that you put that bad juju out there."

She smiled a little and then blew out a breath as her eyes focused on the blank page in once more. She felt like she was back in school and had an essay due in the morning. Memories flicked through her mind; her father usually always helped with the math and science homework but her mother had been good with the essays, term papers, history reports and anything else. Her mother had always been good at helping her get started or to get an idea off the ground when her homework plagued her. The teenage her missed that presence behind her shoulder, the smell of soft floral perfume wafting near her as Johanna would lean over, mug of hot tea in one hand and a red fingernail tapping against the assignment sheet that had been discarded on the table, asking what her idea was, what she wanted to say about it, how would she back it up, what did she want her audience to learn? Kate breathed deeply; she had watched her mother prepare a closing argument once and she had used the same methods she always doled out at homework time. She started with her purpose, detailed her defense, gave her evidence to support the defense and wrapped it up with what she wanted a jury to think about and consider while deliberating. It felt silly, but a part of her felt like she'd write this damn thing better if she was sitting in the kitchen of her parents house. That was ridiculous though. Castle's table was fine and he was a professional writer…which only made her slightly self conscious…or maybe very self conscious.

"Staring at the page doesn't make the words appear; trust me, I know; I keep trying," he commented; as if he sensed that she was thinking of him.

"I'm thinking," she replied.

"Of your statement or something else? Writing does sometimes lend itself to daydreaming," Castle remarked.

Kate tightened her grip on her pen. 'The Investigation by Internal Affairs is a standard procedure when a complaint is filed. I haven't been accused of any wrong doing…"

She shook her head at the lines she had written and slashed through them with the pen and then scribbled over them in frustration.

"Just relax," Castle coached.

What was she supposed to say? She couldn't sound too cocky; she couldn't sound too worried. She had to sound neutral and not inconvenienced. She couldn't show disdain for the process she'd be forced to endure, the days of knowing nothing and wondering what they were looking for or at; the days of worrying as colleagues were interrogated, the days when she herself would sit before them. Adam Bracken would want her to come out swinging, to be chomping at the bit, defending herself and calling the whole thing a farce and a waste of time. She'd like to do those things, but she couldn't. She had to pick the right words and the right method.

" _The investigation by Internal Affairs is a standard procedure that's carried out when someone has a concern about an arrest that has been made. It is well within Mr. Bracken's right to ask for the matter of his brother's arrest to be looked into for his peace of mind. I have not, to my knowledge, been accused of any wrong doing in the matter and I feel confident that Internal Affairs will agree with the F.B.I. that it was a clean and legal arrest. I will cooperate fully with the Detectives of Internal Affairs and hope that this matter will be concluded in a timely fashion_."

"What do you think of this?" she asked as she slid the tablet toward Castle.

He read it over and tore it from the tablet and laid it on the table as he poised his hand over the clean page. "It's a good start but we can make it better."

"Okay, go ahead," she told him.

"First; let's make sure everyone knows the cause of this investigation right from the start," Castle remarked as his pen flicked across the page. "It is true that Adam Bracken has filed a complaint asking that Internal Affairs look into the matter of the arrest of his brother, William Bracken."

"That sounds better," she remarked.

"Then we'll go on," he replied as he began on the next line. "It is always hard for a person to believe that a loved one is capable of committing heinous acts so I understand that Mr. Bracken made this request for his peace of mind. Internal Affairs has informed me of the impending investigation. I have not been accused of any wrong doing; the investigation is following standard clearance procedures. I believe that they will come to the same conclusion as the F.B.I. that the arrest was clean and lawful and that the matter will be satisfactorily closed. In the mean time, my team and I will cooperate fully in the investigation; as it is an ongoing matter, I can not say anything more about it publicly and hope that you will understand when I decline to answer further questions regarding the matter at this time."

"With it written this way, it shifts focus to Bracken and his tactics for freeing his brother," Castle explained. "You're expressing understanding instead of the disdain he'll be expecting. You've explained that it's the standard procedure, you're not expressing a large amount of worry; you're displaying confidence but not too much. You also shift the focus off just you by saying my team and I; it'll remind everyone that you were not the only cop involved in Bracken's arrest."

"I like it," Kate stated. "Especially the end about not answering further questions about it. It makes it a legal stand point instead of me just wanting them to go away."

"Exactly," he replied as he folded back that piece of paper and pushed the tablet back in front of her. "Now write about your mother."

She glanced at him with pleading eyes. "Maybe you should do it."

Castle shook his head. "No; you need to; and then I'll correct if necessary while keeping your tone."

Kate sighed. "Tips?"

He caught her gaze and held it. "It's your mom; speak from your heart and not your brain."

"Because I'm so good at that," she said with a soft scoff.

"You are when you want to be. You can do this; you can write about your mother from the heart."

"The same heart that looked her in the face and told her that I didn't want to deal with her?" she asked as she picked up her wine glass and took a long sip.

Castle reached for her hand and gave it a soft squeeze. "You were upset; she understands."

But that didn't make her feel any less guilty. She had meant it when she said she wasn't angry with her mother; and she had so far upheld her intent not to call her in effort to give them some space…but she felt bad…and there was the fact that Johanna Beckett hadn't called or texted all day either, which probably meant that she was mad or hurt or both. Was there ever an age when you stopped feeling guilty for angering or hurting your parent? It felt as though the answer was no, Kate mused. Castle was waiting for her to write and she was still struggling. She tapped the pen against the paper in a rapid beat of frustration until finally she righted it and gripped it properly.

" _My relationship with my mother has been cause of great discussion and while I don't feel I owe anyone an accounting of my relations with my family, I will say once more that I love my mother and I'm so grateful that her life was spared, that she still walks this earth with me. I'm so glad to have her home, to have her back in my life and my father's life as well. We were incomplete without her, and nothing can make us regret her return or the actions she had to take to stay alive. She belongs here with us, where she is loved and needed. I admit that I hadn't yet informed her of the investigation and that was wrong, but like any daughter, I hoped only to spare her from worry as I know she worries enough about me given my profession and the simple fact that no matter how old I am, I'll always be her child. I reacted badly to the news of her treatment at the hands of the media who pursued her while she was out shopping. I was angry that certain members of the media went out of their way to cause her distress and then filmed her during what should've been a private moment. I will never understand how someone could treat my mother so callously…or anyone's mother for that matter. For the record, once and for all; my mother and I speak on a daily basis and see each other often. We don't feel the need to parade ourselves through Times Square to prove it to you, but that doesn't make it any less true. We would both appreciate it if you'd respect our privacy at this difficult time in our lives as we move forward and continue to heal from the pain that has been inflicted upon our family_."

Kate looked at the lines she had filled and then pushed the tablet over to Castle. "See how that is."

Castle read over her words carefully and then glanced at her. "And you thought you couldn't write from your heart."

"It's okay?"

"Yes; there's only one thing I'm going to change and that's the line about parading through Times Square. I'm going to change it to 'you may not see us together in public at the moment but it doesn't make it any less true.'"

"Alright," she conceded. "I guess I got mad."

"Perfectly understandable," he replied. "I share your disgust."

"We still need an opening."

"I'm going to take pity on you and try to do that part for you."

Kate smiled. "I would appreciate that."

Castle was quiet for several minutes as he narrowed down an appropriate statement that would sound Kate-like. "It goes against my nature to speak publicly about matters considering my private life, but in light of recent events, I feel I have no choice but to break my silence this once." How's that?" he asked when he finished.

She nodded slowly as she read it over. "That's a lot better than what we were coming up with. It sounds more like me and it makes the point that this is the only statement I'm making."

"So you're fine with all of this?"

"Yeah; I think that's as good as it's going to get."

"Then I'll type it up," he said as he pulled his laptop toward him. "I'll let you read it as a whole once I'm finished so you can be sure there aren't any changes you want to make."

"Okay," she answered as she expelled a breath and picked up her glass once more. She hated to do this; it felt like conceding a battle, but she was desperate to find some measure of relief from the onslaught. If only it would help ease the tension…but there was no guarantee of that. She wondered how her mother would feel about her going public like this and she hoped she wouldn't take it as some sort of betrayal.

"Kate," Castle stated as he gave her arm a shake a few minutes later.

"Hmm?"

"You were a million miles away; I've been trying to get your attention for over a minute."

"I'm sorry; I guess I spaced out. Is something wrong?" she asked.

"No; I'm finished. I want you to read it over."

"Already?" she replied. "How long was I daydreaming?"

"Long enough," he smiled. "But then on the other hand, I am a fast typer."

She gave him a small smile as he placed the laptop in front of her. She read through the text of the statement and pushed his computer back to him. "I'm fine with it as is."

"You're sure?'

"Yes."

"Okay; I'll send it to Paula; she's waiting for it…you're sure you want to do this?"

Kate hesitated for a moment and he knew how much she hated to go down this road. "You don't have to if you don't want to, Kate," he said softly as he took her hand. "It's no guarantee that they'll cut you some slack, so if you don't want to go through with it, we won't."

She shook her head. "Let's do it…ignoring hasn't helped and this might not either but at least I know I tried and I got to say what I wanted to say."

"You're positive?" he asked once more.

"Yes; send it…please; before I change my mind."

Castle attached the document to an email to Paula and hit send and then picked up his phone and tapped out a message to his publicist telling her that the statement had been sent. Kate watched him, her stomach suddenly feeling queasy. "I did the right thing…right?" she whispered.

He nodded and abandoned his chair to take the one next to her, allowing him to pull her into an embrace. "I think it's the right thing to do, Kate; but do yourself and your mother a favor and let her know that you did it so she isn't blindsided again."

"I'll tell my Dad," she replied; "I'll send him a text."

"As long as they know," he replied; "And while we're on the topic of your parents…I think that you do need to consider being seen in public with your mother."

He felt her stiffen before she pulled herself out of his embrace. "It's not that I don't want to be seen with her, Castle."

"I know; I know it comes down to the media…and that it also comes down to the fact that if she gets upset, then you get upset and that makes you feel like you don't have control. I get it and I'm not saying you go drag her out to a very public lunch tomorrow. I'm saying that one day in the near future, you should consider taking her out to lunch or to do a little shopping so that you are seen, so you prove your statement correct."

It made sense and she hated that it made sense…but that didn't make it any less true. She was going to have to bite that bullet as well. "You're right, if I want to live up to my statement and put forth the image I want people to be seeing, then we need to be seen together. The only problem is that she's shunning society at the moment so I'll have to wait until Dad reprograms her."

"Waiting is probably best…but not too long."

She blew out a breath as she gave a nod of agreement. She could do this; she could fight back and maintain an image. She could go shopping with her mother. They both just had to work up the nerve for it.

"Kate," Castle said; breaking into her thoughts.

"Hmm?"

"I asked Paula to hold on to the statement for a day or two; just to make sure you don't change your mind and so you can notify your parents. I told her I'd let her know when we were ready."

"She won't get trigger happy, so to speak, will she?"

"No," he said with a shake of his head. "She knows she'd have to deal with me if she did and she doesn't want that."

Kate took his hand. "Thanks, Rick."

He captured her lips in a sweet kiss. "Anything for you, you know that…I just reminded you of it at lunch today. Now let's put this away for now and get to that movie marathon I promised you...that way we can get to more bubbles and that next appointment. Did you decide on a genre?"

"I'm thinking comedy," she answered. "I think laughter is in order."

"I agree wholeheartedly," Castle replied. "I'll make the popcorn, you get the drinks."

She smiled and rose from the table; releasing a deep breath as she did so. She could make things work out…she could do it…she didn't have any other choice.

* * *

Leo Donovan looked out the window of his office, studying the darkness that was slowly sweeping across the city as neon and white lights flipped on, railing against the invasion. He liked this time of day; the office was quiet despite the night shift taking over in the control room on the fifth floor that oversaw the security side of his business. Keeping an eye on alarms and cameras didn't interest him but the money was good and the venture had been a good fit with his private investigation business. He was a man who liked to be in the dirt, so speak; he liked to be knee deep in a case and digging to go deeper. He liked the action, the challenge, the rush that came with breaking open someone's double life and exposing their secrets. He was good at it; extremely good at it. His ex-wives might be squeezing the blood out of him but his business continued to turn a tidy profit. He didn't worry much; he knew that he had come a long way from staking out seedy hotels in search of cheating husbands back when he first started out. It wasn't that he didn't still take those kinds of cases; he did, but now a days it wasn't only ordinary citizens who came to him to smoke out their spouse's extracurricular activities or the betrayal of a colleague among other things. He had celebrity clients, politicians, the elite whose wealth trickled down from ancestors long departed. He worked for lawyers, and anyone who could afford a payment plan. He didn't discriminate.

The slowly melting ice in his glass clinked against the side as he brought it to his lips and took a sip of scotch as his eyes stayed locked upon the city at his feet. Little cases were fine…but he liked the big ones. Leo liked a case he could sink his teeth into and take a hearty bite; and if he was taking that bite as a favor to a friend it made it all the better to him. His ex-wives might beg to differ, but Leo prided himself on being a loyal man. If you were good to him, he was good to you in return. Jim Beckett had been a good friend for a long time; both professionally and personally. He kept him supplied in business from his own caseload and by recommending him to his colleagues. He gave him legal advice and had gotten him out of one big jam…and few smaller ones. He owed the man a favor for that big one; but even if he didn't owe that favor, he'd still take on this case. Johanna had always treated him well too; always offering a warm smile and conversation when their paths crossed; always asking about his family. She always fed him well when he was invited to sit down at her table. When he was looking to build a more high class office space; Jim had sent him to Johanna's brother who owned the family real estate and construction business. Frank McKenzie Jr. had given him a family friend discount because his sister had called ahead. In gratitude, Leo recommended McKenzie Industries to anyone he could. The Beckett's were good to him; he valued their friendship and he was going to be good to them.

Leo's gaze drifted to his desk where his files of preliminary research on Adam Bracken rested. He was going to nail the son of a bitch. His friends didn't deserve what was being done to them; just like they hadn't deserved what that piss ant's brother had done to them. He had to get him…he had seen the worry etched into Jim's face when he came to him. He had to help him. Things were going to get worse before they got better; he knew how these kinds of snakes operated, and a glimpse at the news the night before showed that Adam had launched his first attack with that bogus IA investigation of Kate and the harassment of Johanna that left her huddled in an alley with her brother as she battled a panic attack. His grip tightened on his glass; if there was one thing he couldn't stand it was a man who picked on innocent women.

He shifted his attention back to the window; thinking once again how he liked this time of day. Creeps were easier to find in the dark; at least they were in his business. Adam Bracken was a special creep though; he had to be more careful than usual. While researching and plotting, he figured that it would be best if he could put one of his people on the inside of Bracken's world. Diligent searching for a way in had led him to checking the hiring database that most politicians used; which was somewhat more discriminating than the usual public sites and came complete with the requirement of submitting your resume to a virtual mailbox by a certain date; after that date the mailbox would close and the person in charge of hiring would wade through the applications and make contact. Bracken's office needed a secretary…and he had just the secretary for the job.

Leo smiled at the soft glow of city lights. He was a successful man because he wasn't stupid; his pay roll included many other detectives…and among them were people who were also qualified as secretaries, nannies, chauffeurs, maids, and personal assistants. He had someone to cover whatever occasion might arise. When the job listing popped up, he could've rubbed his hands in glee. He loved a good secretary plant; they were almost as invisible as maids and they always ended up knowing more than they should. He called in his number one asset in the secretary pool; Carly Gibson had helped him sink many ships over the last three years. She had just the skills required. They did a little buffing of her resume; called in a few favors for references; and his resident hacker had skillfully breeched the website without notice and removed the resumes of more qualified candidates for the job. She had gone for an interview that day and he was waiting for her to check in and let him know if she had been successful in gaining employment.

He took one last glimpse at the city and then moved back to his desk and settled into his leather chair as he sat his glass aside. The intercom clicked on and his secretary's voice floated into the room. "Miss Gibson is here, Mr. Donavan."

"Send her in," he replied; "And then you can call it a night."

A moment later, Carly slipped through the heavy wooden door of his office and closed it behind her before crossing the room and settling into a chair in front of his desk. "Well?" he asked.

"I'm in," she smiled.

He smirked. "That's good to hear; I see you dressed the part for it," he remarked; noting her short navy blue skirt and her crisp white blouse that had an extra button or two undone.

Carly grinned. "I've been to this show before, Leo; I know what these kind of snakes like in their secretaries."

He gave a nod of agreement. "Did you have any trouble?"

"No; the guy doing the hiring even called my references right in front of me; but by then it was obvious it was only for show and that the job was in the bag."

"Were you careful coming here? You weren't followed were you?"

She gave him a look of disgust. "Honestly; Leo; I'm not a damn rookie. I made sure no one tailed me and I took all the precautions. I used public transportation, I made a few other stops, and when I got to this street, I popped into O'Malley's down the street and had a drink and then acted like I slipped off to the little girl's room and instead went out the back door and crept up the alley and through the back door here. No one saw me; no one followed me."

"Good," he replied as he opened a drawer of his desk and took out a new burner cell and tossed it to her. "Keep that in a safe place so you can report to me."

"I know," she sighed as she tucked the phone into the hidden inside pocket of her handbag.

"This isn't going to be a short assignment, Carly."

"I know that too; we've already been over all of that. I'm ready to settle in for the long haul."

"Make some friends," Leo told her. "Dig when you can, listen always, and find me some weak links I can accidentally bump into when the occasion calls for it. As you know, I'll be doing the outside work; anything you can get from the inside is gold; we're looking for anything that can tarnish him."

"I know the drill, Leo; and I know this one is personal," Carly replied. "I won't let you down."

"I know you won't; and I don't mean to be treating you like you don't know what you're doing; I know you do…it's just this one is more important than the others. Like you said, this one is personal. We have to find something on him."

"We will," she assured; "We always do."

Leo nodded. "You better get home; you have to work tomorrow," he quipped.

She laughed and rose from the chair. "I'll be in touch."

"Make sure of it…and Carly; be careful."

"I will be," she promised before moved across the room and left the office.

Leo leaned back in his chair and opened his laptop. He pressed play on the video he had already watched several times and watched closely once again. Instead of focusing on Johanna Beckett in the piece of film that had been splashed across the internet, he focused on the voice that kept calling out to her; it sounded familiar and the reflection of the man in a store window was familiar too. He paused the footage and clicked another tab where the video of Kate's encounter with the media was paused. He clicked play and watched, studying the curly haired man that bragged about filming her mother. He was the same man whose reflection he glimpsed in the window of Johanna's tape but he wasn't surprised; the man had no reason to lie about being the one to capture the footage. It wasn't unusual for the paparazzi to be overly zealous, but this man had a different kind of intensity…and he was so damn familiar. He knew that little sleaze ball from somewhere. He captured the man's image from the videos and emailed it to a few friends he had in the news business. Someone somewhere knew who he was and what he was about…and he was going to know it too. Jim hadn't hired him for that job; but he was going to do it anyway.


	16. Chapter 16

_Authors Note: Thanks for your reviews! I have this chapter and one more finished chapter taken from the original form of this story and then we'll be moving into entirely new chapters; and no I haven't completed any of those yet but I intend to very soon, I need to update Reflections and The Visitors again and I'll get started._

Chapter 16- Mama-Part 1

" _So now I see through your eyes all that you did was love" – The Spice Girls_

On Saturday evening, Castle watched as Kate cleared away her dishes and his, making herself busy with clean up preparations as Alexis continued to eat. His daughter had shown up half way through the meal, claiming she needed the peace of home to work on her assignment. If she wanted to come home, she didn't need an excuse, he thought to himself; after all she had been there the night before, she could've just said she was staying for the weekend but he allowed it to pass without comment. His attention returned to Kate as she continued to move around in the kitchen, putting the leftovers in containers.

Kate Beckett was making it a point to stay busy that day, he noted. She had brought paper work home with her the night before and she had finished it by noon. She read, she channel surfed, she had beaten him at two different card games. At times he was sure she was praying for a call from the precinct so she could go to work and have something more to focus on. She'd been antsy for days but he chalked it up to the I.A. investigation that was being carried out quietly and slowly in the background of her life and the fact that Adam Bracken was doing his best to keep it in the news. The media had backed off from following her for the time being, a scandal involving a pop star and her actor beau taking precedence. He knew that she had plenty of things to worry about, regardless of the media tailing her, but he wasn't stupid, he knew what worried her most was the fact that she hadn't heard from her mother.

She shrugged it off anytime he mentioned it, acting as if she wasn't bothered by the silence…but she was. The woman who claimed to need space from her mother didn't seem to want it when she had it. She and Johanna hadn't spoken since the day the news broke about the I.A. investigation. Castle had thought that it would blow over in a day or two; that Johanna would give in to her tendency to cling and she'd call or text Kate, acting as though nothing had happened.

But he had been wrong…Johanna hadn't given in and apparently Kate was going to be stubborn despite her claims that she wasn't angry. Castle suppressed a sigh, he wanted her to settle the matter before they went away the following weekend and so he prepared himself to bring up the topic again. But before he could, Kate's phone buzzed, alerting her to a new text message. She grabbed it from the counter, unaware of the look of hope on her face, but Castle saw it…and he saw how quickly it vanished as she read the message and sent a reply. "Something wrong?" he asked.

"No; it was Lanie."

"You seem disappointed…were you hoping for someone else?"

Her gaze flicked to his as she returned to the task of stacking the dinner dishes. "No."

Castle held her gaze. "I think you were hoping it was your mom."

She shook her head. "I wasn't hoping for anyone in particular. I was just glad it wasn't work related."

"I believe that you're glad it wasn't work related…but I've seen you get that same look on your face the last few days every time your phone rings or alerts you to a new text message."

Kate gathered up discarded utensils that had been used for cooking and carried them to the sink. "I haven't had any certain look on my face, Castle; you're imagining things."

Castle glanced to Alexis. "You've seen that look on her face tonight, haven't you?" he asked.

"No comment," his daughter replied as she scooped up the last bite of her dinner.

He gave Alexis an assessing look. "You've been taking Kate's side all weekend."

"It hasn't been the whole weekend," Alexis informed him with a smile. "This is only Saturday evening; technically, I've only been taking her side for the past twenty four hours."

Kate smiled at the remark. "He's just still mad that you picked my pancakes over his last night."

"I still say you tipped her off," Castle replied.

"There was no way for me to tip her off. It was a fair contest…and you lost."

"I'm not so sure about that," he quipped. "I sense treachery among the women in my life."

Kate laughed. "If there was going to be treachery, it probably would've come from you. You made all the rules, you labeled the plates Y and Z because you thought using a B would be taken as being for Beckett; you made Martha and Alexis stay upstairs while the cooking was being done so they couldn't see anything…but let's also keep in mind that you were all here before me. You could've tipped them off to which letter you'd be using on your plate."

"But I didn't; because if I had, I would've won."

Alexis shook her head as she carried the plate to the counter and put it on the stack of dishes. "No, you wouldn't have. Kate's pancakes are better. They're so light and fluffy."

"Traitor," Castle stated. "All I've given you and you've turned your back on me for an alleged fluffy pancake."

She shrugged. "It was an excellent pancake…and you know, you could have been trying to tip us off with the lettering," Alexis replied, a teasing gleam in her eyes. "You might've used Y because it's the male chromosome."

"I hadn't thought about that," Kate said in response. "You were trying to tip them off, weren't you?"

"Absolutely not!" he exclaimed.

"And you know," she went on, "You can't say my pancakes are allegedly fluffy when it's been proven true."

"That's right, Dad," Alexis added. "Even Gram picked Kate's."

"I expected betrayal on your grandmother's part, but you, my only child…I'm not sure I'll recover from the wound in my heart," Castle said dramatically, his amused gaze flicking toward Kate. "Are you happy now that you've turned my daughter against me?"

"Yes," she replied. "My work here is done."

He smirked at her. "So very smug about it too, I see. Don't go thinking that I haven't noticed how you changed our original subject."

"I wasn't aware we had a subject," Kate replied. "You just hate to be reminded that you lost the great pancake battle."

"Do you want me to help you with the dishes?" Alexis asked.

"No; I can take care of it, you go ahead and work on your assignment," she told her. "That's why you came home for the weekend."

"That and the pancakes," Alexis grinned.

"Must you rub it in?" Castle asked.

"Yes," both women answered.

"But I can help you and still get some work done," Alexis said as she gave her attention back to Kate.

"Go on, I know you're anxious to get your work done," Kate replied. "I've got this."

Castle watched as Alexis moved back to the table and reached for her backpack that was setting on a vacant chair. He scanned her face to see if she had been offended by Kate's rejection of her assistance but she didn't look like she minded as she spread her books and papers out on the table. She and Kate had been getting along comfortably and he didn't want to see anything upset that balance; but seeing as Alexis was unfazed, he figured that she must've offered out of politeness even though she had clearly wanted to get to her school work.

His gaze shifted back to Kate as she filled the sink with hot soapy water. "You know, you don't have to do that either, we do have a dishwasher," he reminded her.

"I'm used to doing them by hand," she answered. "That's how I've done it since I was a teenager."

"I'm surprised that your mother doesn't have a dishwasher."

"Dad offered to get her one once but she said she'd rather have jewelry or something she'd enjoy more. She's never been into the dishwasher fad; she said they're a waste of water and that they promote laziness. She likes washing dishes by hand."

"Why?"

Kate shrugged. "She's always said that it relaxes her and gives her time to think. She told me once that some of her best arguments in court were thought up while she was washing dishes. The kitchen and everything that goes with it just seems to be her safe place…it's where she's in control and where she's comfortable. It's how she grew up…she's set in her ways."

Castle moved from the table and leaned against the counter so that he could see her face. He gave her a soft smile. "I'd rather think while the dishwasher runs."

"I don't mind doing it this way," Kate said quietly.

He was silent for a moment as he gauged her mood. Despite her moments of lightness, she was pensive; and despite what she claimed, every day without a call, text or voicemail from Johanna left her slightly more agitated than the day before. She hid it well to the untrained eye, but he had learned her ways long ago and could see it all clearly.

"You could just call her," he suggested.

"Who?"

"Your mother."

Kate sighed. "She's still mad. She'll call when she's over it."

"Maybe she thinks you're mad."

"That's never stopped her from calling before, if you'll recall."

"That was somewhat different," he replied. "She was very desperate when she first came home. I think you're both just stubborn."

"Yeah, well, that's the McKenzie way, Castle."

"You're not a McKenzie; you're a Beckett."

Her lips tipped upward in a small smile. "You better never let my mother hear you say that I'm not a McKenzie," she told him. "There would be hell to pay for that. I may be a Beckett but I'm also half McKenzie. I wasn't the creature of just one person…I have both of them in my veins no matter what my last name is."

He gave a nod. "I know that…I also believe I know which side is dominant but I'll keep that to myself for the moment as you might not like the comparison…and I don't want you to throw anything at me."

She smirked. "Afraid you can't duck fast enough?"

"Not really but why take unnecessary chances like that?" he said lightly.

"Chicken," she teased before giving her attention back to the dish she was scrubbing.

"You should call her though...let her know that we're going away next weekend so she'll know that you won't be around and that if she has a problem she can call Ryan or Esposito."

"I know," she mumbled.

Castle waited a beat to see if she'd say something more on the topic and when she didn't he decided to continue on with the other reason she should reach out to her mother. "You need to tell her that you're going to release the statement to the media."

Kate reached for another plate and plunged it into the suds without comment. She knew that there were things she needed to discuss with her mother…she just wasn't sure how to handle it now that they hadn't spoken in several days. "Did you tell Paula to release the statement Friday evening after we leave?"

"Yes," Castle answered. "She isn't happy about sitting on it for several more days but she'll do what she's told, don't worry."

She wasn't worried; she knew that Castle could handle his publicist…but still the thought of the statement put a knot in her stomach. She was glad that they'd be away when it hit the news but she worried that her mother would suffer for it. She also worried about how she'd take the news.

"Are you looking forward to getting away?" Alexis asked, breaking into her thoughts.

"Very much," Kate answered. "I can't wait to get away from the city for a few days."

"I wish I could take you somewhere further away," Castle remarked. "But I know we can't venture too far right now. The mountains will accommodate us well though."

"We'll save a bigger trip for later on," she replied; leaning towards him to brush a soft kiss against his lips. "A few days in the mountains will be ideal…anything away from the city is perfect in my opinion. It'll be nice to have a little more freedom. I just hope no one gets wind of it."

"No need to worry about that either;" he replied. "The place I'm taking you to takes confidentiality very seriously."

"I don't know why you won't tell me more about this place."

"Because telling you about it isn't any fun. All you need to know is that you'll be pampered, that you'll be able to relax and enjoy…and that you'll have me all to yourself. It's everything you could want," he told her with a grin before stealing a kiss.

She laughed. "Well with a promise like that, I guess I don't need to worry about the details."

"Not at all…but I think you'll enjoy it all much more if you end this standoff with your mother first."

"It's not a standoff, Castle," she stated as she grabbed one of the pots and dunked it into the water.

"It seems like it is."

"If she wants to talk to me she'll call."

"This brings us back to the stubbornness I mentioned earlier…she might be sitting in her kitchen saying the same thing to Jim."

"I wouldn't doubt it a bit."

"So end it, put both of you out of your misery."

"Why does this matter so much to you all of a sudden?" she asked.

"Because you told me when this started that you weren't mad at her, that you'd just wait a couple days and give her space…but it's been longer than two days, Kate…and I know you miss her."

"I'm fine," she assured. "It was time we broke the habit of all of those 'checking in' calls anyway."

"I don't think those hour long phone calls about the latest episode of Temptation Lane and whatever else that came up were 'check in' calls," he remarked.

Kate glanced at him. "Eavesdropping?"

"It's hard not to overhear sometimes," he laughed.

She knew that, she just didn't want to discuss it. She did miss her mother and those longer chats they made time for every so often…although she had a feeling that her mother would be fine making those longer chats a more common occurrence; but she didn't see that happening in the near future. Not with the way things were…not with how easily she got frustrated with her mother when the chips were down…not with how emotional her mother got when things were tense. Maybe later on when things were calmer, maybe then their phone calls and visits would become settled into patterns that would comfort and suit them both.

* * *

Jim leaned back in his desk chair, needing a small break from the work he had strewn across his desk. He glanced across the room to his wife as she sat her own desk; her gaze still riveted to the screen of her computer. He noticed that she'd been on her computer a good bit the last couple of nights and it seemed kind of odd to him. It wasn't that she didn't use her computer…he just wasn't sure he had ever seen her use it this much.

"You've been pretty occupied with that computer the last few evenings," he commented.

Johanna looked up from her screen. "Am I disturbing your work by being in here?" she asked. "I try to type quietly."

"No, you're not bothering me. I just noticed that you've been on the computer a good bit the last few nights."

She shrugged. "What's wrong with that?"

"Nothing…"

"I sense a 'but' in this conversation," she replied. "So go ahead and spit it out."

"What are you doing on there?"

She gave him a slightly puzzled look. "What do you do when you're on the computer?"

"Johanna."

"What? I'm not doing anything."

"Are you talking to someone?" he asked.

Her brow rose. "No, I'm not…why do I feel like you're suddenly accusing me of something?"

"I'm not; I just thought it was odd that you've been spending so much time on there."

"Why is it odd?" Johanna asked. "I've always liked to go online…it was my link to knowing what was going on in New York and a way to keep track of Katie while I was away. What do you think I do all day when you're not home? I do the housework, I read a little, I watch some TV, if the mood strikes me I practice the piano and when I'm not doing any of those things, I go online and look up things that interest me."

"I didn't say there was anything wrong with it," Jim remarked. "I just noticed the increase and wondered about it."

She still felt like he was insinuating that she was up to something and it chafed at her raw nerves. "Did it ever occur to you that you've been in here working the last few nights and that maybe after being home by myself all day I just want to sit in the same room with you?"

"I'm sorry," he replied. "I guess I didn't think of that."

"Everyone always has to think the worst of me," she murmured.

"That's not true, Jo."

"Yeah it is; you still don't trust me…and the only thing I can do about that is to tell you to feel free to check my phone and computer whenever you want to ease whatever doubts you have."

He was taken back by the statement and he held her gaze. "Johanna, I know you're still upset about the other day but you're really out on a limb with this one. I do trust you; I just figured you were tormenting yourself by reading news articles or that you'd made contact with a friend or relative. I didn't mean anything by it."

"I would tell you if I was talking to someone. The only person who emails me is Carolyn; and Rick sent me those scenes to read a few days ago. I was working on those earlier and sent my reply. I read them over a few times so I could give my best thoughts and opinions on them."

"I believe you," he told her; wishing he had known what a can of worms he had opened by voicing his thoughts aloud about her online habits.

"I'm serious though," she said softly. "Any time you want to check my phone or my computer, you can."

"Come here," Jim beckoned.

She rose from her chair and reached out to pick up her laptop to take it to him. "Leave the computer there," he stated. "I want you, not it."

Johanna made her way to him, moving around the desk to perch on the edge but he caught her hand and tugged her down on his lap. "I didn't mean to make you feel like I don't trust you; I'm sorry."

She shook her head. "You don't have to be sorry…I'm sorry; I guess I'm just sensitive this week."

"I understand," he replied as she relaxed against him. "And I can see how the comment could be taken the way you thought. We'll say that this one is on both of us, okay?"

"Okay."

He was quiet for a moment before he spoke again. "You're not bouncing back from this latest incident as quickly as I thought you would, sweetheart."

"I know," she whispered. "I don't know what's wrong with me this week. I'm trying though; really I am."

"I know you are…but I also know that Katie hasn't called since the day she was here and I think maybe that's part of the problem. Maybe you should call her; maybe it'll make you feel better."

"Would you think I was terrible if I said that I don't want to always be the one that has to bend?" she asked.

Jim met her eye. "No; I don't think that's terrible. She was in the wrong this time."

Johanna gave a small nod. "I…I just feel like I can't let her get into the habit of thinking that I'm always the one that has to give in."

"I understand that; you've been doing all the bending the last several months…it won't hurt her to take a turn."

She nestled more snugly against him; her head laying against his shoulder and her arm wrapping around his middle in a makeshift embrace. "I saw an ad on TV for one of those family history websites and I thought I'd give it a try. I want to research my grandmother Sarah's family and see what else I can learn about them; that's what I've been doing besides the usual internet browsing."

"I wish internet and those genealogy sites had been around for my grandmother, she would've loved that stuff," he commented.

"It is pretty interesting; it's like finding clues and solving a mystery."

He smiled. "That's right up your alley; you always love solving mysteries. Maybe when you start finding things you can make a family history scrapbook or something like that; we might have grandchildren one day who will be interested in knowing where their family came from."

"I'm glad you feel that way," she replied. "To see better search results, I had to buy a subscription to the website."

Jim laughed. "That credit card is getting a work out this week. How much was it?"

"Thirty dollars…sorry," she said sheepishly.

He rubbed her arm. "That's alright, sweetheart; it's not going to bankrupt us. If you enjoy it that's all that matters."

Johanna brushed a soft kiss against his lips. "You're a good husband."

"I have my moments; you're a wonderful wife."

"I'm not so sure about that," she murmured. "But I try…and I'm going to try harder to shake this thing off."

"Maybe it would help if you had a change of pace."

"What do you mean?" she asked as she raised her head to look at him.

"Maybe we need to get out of here for a few days."

She hesitated. "I don't know…"

"Come on; it'll be alright," he said as he gave her a gentle squeeze. "Let's go away next weekend. We won't leave the state but we'll leave the city…maybe a change of scenery will help you relax and feel better."

"Where would we go?"

Jim smiled. "It's a surprise."

"Sounds like you've been planning this."

"It's been something I've been thinking about the last few days; I think it'll help…so how about it? Do you want to run away with me next weekend?"

A smile spread across her lips. "There's nothing I'd like more."

"Good," he replied before capturing her lips in a kiss. "I better get this work done then."

Johanna got up from his lap and made her way back to her desk. She once again gave her attention to her computer; but this time she opened up the link she had bookmarked for Vixen's blog. When the page loaded, she clicked on the link for the comments of the latest post, looking once again to see if Vixen had responded to the comment she had left. This time there was a response.

 _"I don't call myself an expert, but I've known Johanna Beckett and her husband for a long time; we moved in the same circles. I know what kind of person she is; I know all about the acts she puts on when it suits her_."

The answer confirmed what Johanna had already known; that Vixen was someone she knew. The question of exactly who she was remained though; a list of suspects rolled through her mind; both friends and foes populating it. Surely her sister wouldn't go to these extremes…Colleen was more likely to write a blog about herself than about anyone else. What about Sharon? Would the person who had been her best friend do such a thing? She didn't want to think that she would…but she had turned her back on her, so to speak. That day at the market, she had said that she would call but she never had. Every day that passed without that call convinced Johanna that their friendship was over; that Sharon would never give her the chance to apologize or to explain…or to tell her how much she missed her and thought of her and the memories of old times that she held dear. A lump formed in her throat but she forced herself to swallow it. Sharon might hate her but she wouldn't do this…she wouldn't write a blog and she wouldn't call herself Vixen either.

Maggie entered her mind but she couldn't see her stooping to such a level either. She hadn't even seen Maggie for at least a year before she had been sent to Wyoming. She wished she could see her though; wished they could salvage their friendship…but Maggie was still living in the Hamptons and she didn't have the heart to ask Jeff if he could get her number for her from one of his kids. Even if he did, Maggie might not be receptive to her efforts anyway and that would hurt too. No matter what had happened between them in the past, she felt certain that this wasn't something her old friend would do.

Other friends rolled through her mind as possibilities….the list of former acquaintances that hated her was well populated; she had her enemies and this would be a golden opportunity for one of them. She had to draw Vixen out a little more; she had to make her slip up somehow. With that thought in mind, she began to type in the comment box. _"Some friend you are to talk about an old acquaintance the way you do."_

Johanna watched the comment post and then she exited the page. Now she'd wait again…and she'd keep on waiting until she unmasked Vixen. It wasn't something that would come easily, she reminded herself. It would take time. She'd have to lure in the right ways and keep looking for breadcrumbs that would point her in the right direction. She also had to keep in mind that the identity of Vixen could be surprising…it very well could be one of the people she had disregarded moments ago. It could be Colleen…and as much as it hurt her to think it, it could be Sharon. The screen name could just be a tactic to throw off the person's true identity if the page was stumbled on by someone in her inner circle. She sighed; why couldn't she shake this feeling about Sharon? She didn't like the way it made her feel. She didn't want to think that Sharon could hate her that much.

She went back to the family history web page she was using and she picked up her pen and tapped it against the notebook she had been jotting names down in; her focus still on the blog and the identity of its owner. There were truly only two women in her life that she could rule out; Valerie and Katie. Another sigh crossed her lips as she thought of her daughter. She missed her…but she felt like she'd been missing her even before they had their argument that day of her panic attack. She couldn't shake the feeling that Katie was putting a wall back up between them at times. They kept bouncing back and forth between normalcy and tension…and sometimes she wondered if maybe Kate wasn't changing her mind about wanting her around.

"Something wrong?" Jim asked as he heard her sigh for the third time.

"No," she replied; a smile coming to her lips for his benefit. "I was just thinking that's all."

"What about? You're doing a lot of sighing."

"Nothing to worry you over," she answered as she closed her laptop. "I was just thinking about this research I'm doing and how I probably need to go back through that photo album and the diary I already read to collect names and dates."

"What else?" he asked; not buying it for a moment.

She suppressed the urge to sigh for a fourth time. "I was thinking about my daughter."

"What about her?"

She hesitated for a moment but then confessed. "Sometimes I think she's changed her mind about me."

He gave her a small sympathetic smile. "She hasn't; it's just a rough spot, Jo. You've been through plenty of them with her the last several months."

"It's different now."

"It's not."

Johanna bit the inside of her cheek to keep from arguing that it was. She didn't want to argue and she didn't want an in depth conversation about the topic. She rose from her chair and stretched before picking up her notebook and putting her phone in her pocket before crossing the room to the door.

"Where are you going?" her husband asked.

"I'm distracting you from your work tonight," she answered. "I'm going upstairs and start deciding what to pack for our trip…is their anything I need to be aware of while I make those decisions?"

"No; there's no dress code…but you don't have to leave the room."

She moved away from the door and made her way to him, pressing a soft kiss to his lips when she reached him. "I know I don't have to but you need to get your work done. I'll be upstairs."

Jim scanned her face, looking for any hint of hurt feelings or a crying jag that she felt the need to hide from him. He didn't detect anything out of place so he smiled and caught hold of her hand, giving it a gentle squeeze. "I'll be up in a little while."

"I'll be waiting," she replied, leaning toward him to steal one more kiss. 'Don't work too late."

"I won't," he promised. "Just another hour and then I'm stopping for tonight and I'm all yours."

She smiled. "Good; that's how I like it."

"Me too," he said with a quiet laugh before releasing her hand and allowing her to go. He listened to her footsteps until they faded away and then he turned his attention back to his work while he silently hoped that his wife and daughter would work things out soon.

* * *

Kate flipped on the radio after a several more minutes of Castle's prodding; quietly insinuating that she was done with the conversation as she gave her attention back to the rest of the dishes.

"Is this like when we're in the car and you turn the radio up because you want me to shut up?" Castle asked.

She gave a nod. "It's exactly like that."

A grin touched his lips. "You should know by now that I don't give up that easily."

"But you will give up easily if you don't want me to go home tonight."

"You don't have any reason to go home."

"I might go to escape conversation," she replied.

He sighed. "I know, you don't want to talk about your mother…but maybe it would make you feel better about calling her if you just got it all out of your system before hand."

"We did just talk about it. I'm not calling. She can call me when she's over it. If you want to call her, go ahead."

"Kate; don't be hardheaded, it just makes you miserable…and if you two keep this up and don't end it by the time we leave on our trip, you're not going to enjoy yourself. I know you; there will be a part of you stewing over it the whole time."

"I'm fine," she said firmly, ticking the radio up another notch.

For the moment he conceded the battle as he grabbed a dishtowel and wiped the soap suds off the radio dial. Conversation ceased, the sounds of Alexis turning pages and a 90s throwback hour on the radio filling the loft with music. Kate began to relax as the songs she had grown up with during her teen years played one after another.

Castle watched her, amusement in his eyes as a smile touched her lips as the Spice Girls song 'Wannabe' came on. He grinned as she started to move to the music as she put away the dishes. "Nice moves, Katie Spice," he quipped.

"Shut up," she retorted.

"I knew you were a fan," he laughed.

She glanced at him. "I believe I already confessed that I used to listen to them. I was a teenager when this song came out, it was everywhere. Everyone liked it."

A teasing grin remained on his lips. "Bubble gum pop kind of mars your bad ass image, Beckett."

"What, you've never heard of a guilty pleasure?"

"Yes but I thought your guilty pleasure was 'Toxic' by Britney Spears."

Kate glared at him. "What?" he asked with a laugh. "You thought I didn't notice that you turn that up when it comes on…and that you also have it on your iPod? And you can't blame that one on teenage trends…you were not a teenager when that song came out."

"Okay, first of all," she said as snapped a dish towel at him; "That song is on my iPod on my running playlist because it's fast and has a good beat. Second, leave my iPod alone. Third, it's catchy, sue me."

"I don't think legal action is necessary," he quipped. "But it is fascinating to learn these things about you; I mean who knew that you would go for these sorts of things."

She smirked. "Well there you have it, Castle; my deep, dark secret; I am a fan of mainstream pop music. I hope the shock won't be too much for you to handle."

He shook his head; trying hard to smother his laughter. "Don't worry about me, I can handle the shock…I don't know if Ryan and Esposito will be able too but I can. What I'd really like to see is you singing 'Toxic' at karaoke night…especially that line 'can you feel me now'," he said with a wiggle of his brow.

"Keep it up and you won't be feeling anything for a very long time," she warned lightly as she grabbed his ear. "And you will never speak of this to the boys."

"I won't?"

She pinched his ear a little harder. "You won't…you feel me now?"

"This was not the way I wanted to get that line," Castle remarked; "But yes, I feel you now…I will never tell anyone your secret shame of being a lover of bubble gum pop."

Kate let go of his ear and grabbed sponge to clean the counters with. "Now thanks to you, I missed all of 'Wannabe'."

"It's on your iPod," he replied; hurrying away from her as her head jerked up.

She jabbed the sponge in his direction. "If I ever catch you with my iPod in your hand, you're going to get it."

"If it makes you feel any better," Alexis spoke up; "I loved 'Wannabe' when I was a little girl."

Kate frowned slightly. "Now I feel old."

"Good to have you back on my side," Castle said as he grinned at his daughter.

"Sorry, Kate" the redhead laughed. "And just for the record, I'm still on your side."

"It's alright; we'll just blame your father since he started all of this."

"If you want to feel better," the girl remarked; "You can just remind yourself that when you were in high school, Dad already had me."

Kate laughed. "That does make me feel better."

"Now I feel a little old," Castle muttered. "You're both going to pay for your betrayals of me…and remember, I don't always play fair."

"Were shaking in our boots," Kate replied nonchalantly before changing the subject. "We probably should've saved Martha a plate in case she comes back early."

He scoffed. "Please; she's out with the baker man; we won't see her until tomorrow morning when she does her walk of shame with bakery box in hand."

"The baker man does have a name you know," Alexis commented. "It's Benjamin."

"Benjamin the mysterious baker man," he said, his brow furrowing in concentration.

"I'm sure he's a perfectly respectful baker," Kate said, imagining all the traits his imagination would be ascribing to the man.

"If that's the case, why do we know so little about him?"

She shrugged. "Maybe she wants to keep him to herself for awhile."

"You don't have anything to worry about, Dad," Alexis declared. "Benjamin is a very nice man."

His brow rose as he regarded his daughter. "You've met the baker man?"

She nodded. "Gram brought him with her when we met up for lunch the other day. He's very kind, a real gentleman. They're so cute together."

Castle's gaze darted back to Kate. "Those are the ones you have to worry about," he remarked. "You need to check on this guy."

"I'm not running a background check on your mother's boyfriend, Castle."

"Why not? I'd do it for you."

"My mother's married; happily, the only man who could even possibly attempt to make her stray momentarily would be Pierce Bronson; and since he hasn't made her any offers and I don't think she'd go through with it if he did, I have no need to worry about her personal life…especially considering that my parents are all over each other all the time…which on one hand is cute and on the other, sometimes embarrassing."

"So you're going to punish me because your mother is well behaved and has a husband who can't keep his hands off of her?"

"No," she laughed. "I'm not running a check because there's no reason to. Now if Martha's baker should do something suspicious, then I'll be more than happy to run him through the computer. Martha's a smart woman; she can make her own judgments of character."

Castle gave a short laugh. "Husband number three ran off with all of her money…her judgment isn't always what it should be."

"Husband three? I thought that was husband two," Kate replied. "Did I miss a husband? I don't remember you mentioning three."

"Oh yes, there were three…we just don't talk about husband number two."

"Why not?"

"Because he's not worth mentioning," Castle replied; but she detected a flicker of something in his eyes. Another mysterious layer of his own, she thought to herself.

"Listen," she said; "I promise that if anything starts to seem suspicious about this guy I'll check him out; but for now, just let Martha enjoy what she's found."

"What I'd really like to know at the moment is why Alexis has gotten to meet Baker Ben and I haven't," he remarked; his gaze zeroing in on his daughter.

Alexis shrugged. "I don't know why…unless she's afraid you might show up with a severed head or something. You do have a history of such things."

"Only when the occasion calls for it."

"Don't worry, Castle," Kate soothed as she went back to wiping down the counter tops. "I'm sure Martha will introduce you when she's ready. Alexis is an easier person to start with."

He sighed. "Let's go back to talking about your mother."

"Let's not," she replied, bumping the radio up another notch.

"We've had a request for another one by the Spice Girls," the DJ announced.

"Apparently you have a kindred spirit somewhere out there in the city, Kate," Castle teased.

She flicked water from the wet sponge at him. "Shut up."

The opening notes of the song began and Kate froze as she stood at the counter. It seemed as though the universe was trying to shove her back towards her mother; first with Castle's prodding and now with a Spice Girls song aptly titled 'Mama'. She breathed deeply; she knew the song well…and at sixteen when the cd had come out, the song had resonated and fit her life for a moment in time with the line _'catching me in places that I knew I shouldn't be'_.

Her mother had caught her at a party she had been told she couldn't go to…and she'd never forget the way her stomach had dropped to her toes when she saw a furious Johanna Beckett push through the crowd of people in that house. There she was, on the lap of a football player, in the outfit that her mother had demanded she take back on the grounds of it being too short, too tight, too revealing and entirely too inappropriate; and to make matters worse, she had a beer bottle in hand…and was already grounded from an offense the week before. She hadn't known how strong her mother was until she grabbed the bottle of her hand and jerked her off the football player's lap as if she wasn't moving anything heavier than a feather.

Kate closed her eyes as the memory took hold. Despite the fear that came with the sight of her mother appearing in front of her, she had been defiant as she was dragged away from the party. Her head dipped, remembering how they had screamed at each other the whole drive home…and all the way into the house, a few neighbors peeking out their windows at the sound of the commotion. The yelling had continued in the kitchen, or as she had called it back then 'lecture central'.

" _You get upstairs and scrub that pound of makeup off your face!" Johanna yelled as she pointed in the general direction of the stairs. "I've told you about caking that on before; you were taught to wear it properly and you'll either do that or you'll wear none!"_

 _Kate scoffed. "You can't stop me!"_

" _You want to bet?" her mother retorted. "And after you wash off the makeup, you take off those clothes and put them in the garbage because that's where they belong. I told you to take that trash back, Katherine!"_

" _There's nothing wrong with what I'm wearing!"_

 _Johanna's eyes scanned her daughter's body. The shirt, if it could really be called that, left her midriff bare and was skin tight; it's plunging neckline showing entirely too much, and she was sure that if Jim hadn't been out of town, he would've either had a heart attack or killed her. The skirt was just as tight and she was sure that if her daughter bent over even in the slightest way, everyone would've known what color underwear she had on. She had accessorized it with a silver chain belt that had a little star dangling off the end of the chain and Johanna assumed that she had most likely looked in the mirror and deemed herself at the height of fashion. She was mistaken. "You think this is cute?" she spat, waving a hand at the ensemble. "It looks like something a hooker would want."_

 _Kate smirked at her. "Well maybe I'll become one."_

" _Over my dead body," her mother replied. "And especially not while you're wearing my shoes; which you will be putting back in my closet before the night is over."_

 _Her daughter snorted. "Why? Because you're the only one allowed to wear slut shoes on Friday nights?"_

 _Johanna knew she was trying to goad her and she smiled, although the gesture lacked humor. "That's right, sweetheart; you know why? Because I'm a grown woman and you're not."_

" _Whatever."_

" _You're going to get whatever," Johanna retorted. "What the hell did you think you were doing, Katie? You were already grounded, you weren't supposed to leave this house, I made that clear."_

" _I was thinking that I didn't care what you made clear," she said tartly. "I wanted to go to the party and I went to have a good time…which I was having until you showed up! I can't believe you! Do you know how embarrassing that was? I'm going to be the laughing stock of the whole school! Did you see my friends laughing at me?"_

" _I don't give a damn about your friends," her mother snapped. "I care about the fact that you were at a party that I said you couldn't go to even before I grounded you. I care about the fact that you left this house knowing you weren't supposed to, leaving me a note which lied about your whereabouts. I care about the fact that you had a bottle of beer in your hand, and you better never let me catch you drinking again."_

" _What's the big deal, you drink!" she shot back._

" _I'm an adult!" Johanna yelled. "I passed the legal age awhile back; you haven't. You're underage, you were breaking the law, and if you had gotten caught by the police, that would be on your record."_

" _Like I care."_

" _You better care! Is this the first time you've drank or is this something that's been going on?" she demanded to know._

 _Kate rolled her eyes. "Answer me when I ask you a question!" Johanna yelled. "Was this the first time or have there been others? What are you into, Katie?"_

 _Her eyes widened at the accusation. "I'm not into anything!"_

" _What, are you offended by being asked that?" her mother questioned._

" _Yes! You act like I'm out robbing convenience stores or something. It was one party and one bottle of beer. It was only this time and I don't do drugs so don't even go there!"_

" _I'll ask you anything I want," Johanna informed her. "You might not be out robbing people but your behavior isn't something to brag about, now is it? Like this attitude problem you've had the last few weeks and now tonight's little fiasco. You were already grounded for two weeks; it's now two months."_

" _Two months!?"_

" _That's what I said; and added to that, no phone for two weeks. Your life will now be school and home; there won't be any activities, no shopping trips, no movies, no nothing."_

" _What about my babysitting job for Mark and Cathy?"_

" _You're unavailable for the next eight weekends."_

" _That's not fair! You said you'd let me go tomorrow."_

" _I lied," Johanna retorted. "How does it feel?"_

 _Kate glared at her. "You also won't be getting your allowance, which shouldn't bother you too much seeing as how you won't be going anywhere to spend it," Johanna went on. "And since I can't trust you to be home alone, I'll be making time in my schedule every day to pick you up from school and then you'll be going back to the office with me and you'll be put to work."_

" _Oh so you get a free slave all because I tried to have some fun?"_

" _No; working for me is part of your punishment," Johanna retorted. "I don't have anything against you having fun, Katie; unless it's a way that's harmful to you or could lead to me getting a call to pick you up from the police station…and God help you if I ever get that call."_

" _There was nothing 'harmful' about going to this party," Kate retorted; disdain dripping from her tone._

 _Her mother scoffed. "Oh you don't think so? Let's see, there was no adult supervision; there was underage drinking and who knows what else going on in the rooms I couldn't see. There was you, dressed like that…do you know what impression that gives? You might think it's cute to flit around like that and catch the attention of the boys that way, Katie; but that's not the kind of attention you want. One of them might want what you're advertising and you might not want to give it up…and then you might find yourself in a situation where that person doesn't care what you say, they just take what they want anyway."_

 _She rolled her eyes. "That's not going to happen."_

" _You think not? You think you're immune to such things; that it can't happen to you? You're wrong, Katie; it can happen to you, it can happen to Maddy, it can happen to any girl or woman you know. It's a dangerous world out there and not everyone is respectful of a woman's choice. Even worse; someone somewhere would make it out to be your fault because of the way dressed and acted. Those aren't just plotlines of Lifetime movies; that's real life. I can't sugar coat the world for you; you have to start thinking about what you say and do and the image you put forward. When you go out acting like something you're not, you can end up with something you can't handle."_

 _She blew out a breath of annoyance, a smirk on her lips. "Is this the part where you tell me that it happened to you and almost ruined your perfect life, blah blah blah?"_

 _Johanna narrowed her eyes at her. "No, it never happened to me, thank God; but it could've. I know women who have been through it, friends and clients a like. You don't want it to happen to you, Katie. The universe doesn't guarantee that you're going to be safe and never come to harm just because you're Katie Beckett and think you know it all. You don't know a damn thing. All you're doing is asking for trouble, not only with the way you look tonight, but with the drinking as well."_

" _Oh my God!" Kate yelled. "It was one beer, I told you that!"_

" _Yeah well one usually turns into two, and then three and eventually you're at the point where you don't know what you're doing and you wake up in the morning wondering what the hell you did because you can't remember. Or you all decided to pile into someone's car and go for a joy ride and end up killing yourselves or some innocent family on the road. You think it's all fun and games and it isn't. Everything you do has consequences and you need to realize that. You think everything only affects you, well it doesn't, it affects everyone around you when you make the wrong decision."_

" _I guess we can't all be perfect like you," Kate spat, her tone dripping with sarcasm._

" _I never claimed to be perfect; I'm far from it. I let you push your boundaries at times, Katie; because I know what it's like to be sixteen and I know what goes on in your head; that you're just trying to find yourself. I try to pick my battles; but tonight, you crossed so many lines it isn't even funny. You're lucky your father isn't here or you'd be upstairs packing for boarding school."_

" _Maybe I'd like to go to boarding school so I can get away from you," her daughter retorted. "Why don't you just stay out of my business!"_

" _You are my business!" Johanna yelled. "Everything you do is my business and I'll be in it up to your eyeballs if it suits me, and believe me, it does, especially now. I used to trust you and now I can't. Now I'll have to constantly supervise you like I did when you were five."_

" _I'm not going to be glued to your hip all the time," she yelled._

" _For the next two months you will be, except for when you're in school," Johanna stated; her fury making her hands shake and she curled them at her sides. "After school you'll be in my office and when I'm done working, then we'll come home together and it'll all start over again the next day. On the weekends, you'll be going with me while I run errands. Everywhere I go for the next two months, you're going to be right there behind me like a little shadow, because mommy has to babysit you since you proved to her that you're not the trustworthy, responsible girl that she thought you were. Maybe next time you'll think twice."_

 _Kate crossed her arms over her stomach and shook her head before looking her mother in the eye. "You're such a bitch! I hate you and I can't wait to get away from you!"_

 _Johanna's hand smacked against her cheek before either one of them could blink. The motion startled them both, Kate's hand moving to touch the sting she felt on her cheek and Johanna moving away from her, her hands gripping the edge of the counter as she faced the window over the sink._

" _I may be a bitch," she remarked; her tone low and even; "But so be it. I won't let you start done this path, Katie. I won't let you ruin your life. I won't let you become a statistic. You're too good for that, we raised you better than that. Everyone makes the wrong choices sometimes but you have to pay consequences for them and learn from them so it doesn't happen again. You can hate me all you want…but I still love you, and I'll still do everything in my power to keep you from the things you shouldn't, from doing things that put you and your future in jeopardy. So you go ahead and hate me…but until you're eighteen, I'm your boss and you'll live by my rules."_

" _Everything always has to be your way," Kate retorted; her voice shaking as her bravado crumbled._

" _When it comes to things like this, you're damn right it has to be my way. I'm not letting my daughter turn into one of those kids that end up drinking and doing drugs and bringing home babies for me to raise while she's sitting in jail. And I know what you're thinking, you're thinking it was one time…well I'm going to make sure it's the only time, because it only takes one time to get you started down the wrong road. For now it was one lie and one party and one beer…and then before you know it it's a handful of lies and more drinks and someone offering you something worse to try or you end up letting some boy take advantage of you because you're not thinking clearly and you don't know what the hell you're doing. It's a world of hurt waiting for you when you make those choices. I see it every day when I go to work and that's not the future I want for you and it's not the future you want for yourself. You might hate me now and think I'm a bitch, you might have to face some embarrassment when you go to school Monday…but maybe one day you'll thank me for it when you see it happen to someone you know. Maybe then you'll stop and think, 'that could've been me if I didn't have a mother who loved me enough to stop me and keep me from making that mistake again'. Now get upstairs and get your face washed and leave those clothes in the bathroom. You put my shoes back in my room and then you go to yours and don't come out until morning."_

 _Kate opened her eyes and stared at the counter as the song continued to play. That had been the only time her mother had ever raised a hand to her; and while her smack had carried a sting, it hadn't been hard enough to leave a mark…and looking back, she was sure that it had hurt her mother to do it more than it had hurt her to receive it…and she had deserved it. The weekend was long and quiet between them as she gave her mother the silent treatment and spent the majority of the time in her room, stewing every time her mother answered the phone and said 'Katie isn't allowed phone calls for the next two weeks, you'll have to wait and talk to her in school'." She'd been so angry with her mother…and Johanna had been angry with her as well. The silence, on her part, lingered into Monday morning as her mother dropped her off for school and reminded her that she'd be picking her up. She had to put up with some snide remarks and teasing that day in school which only added to her determination to never speak to her mother again but then she saw that football player who had acted like he was so into her, with his tongue down Jessica Mitchell's throat and she realized that he was into anything he thought he could get something from. She also heard more about the party, about the drunkenness, the people who got high in the basement and how the police had shown up at one in the morning when the neighbors finally had enough and made complaints. She was glad she hadn't been there for that._

 _Kate gave a soft shake of her head. Her mother had been right…and God how she had hated that back then…and at times still did. That night could've gone so differently if Johanna Beckett hadn't hunted her down and dragged her out the door. She could've ended up doing things she would've regretted…she could've ended up being picked up at the police station and she was sure she would've never seen the light of day again if that had happened. The sixteen year old her had a lot to think about that Monday night, and she remembered being remorseful for what she had done and the way she had treated her mother by the time Tuesday morning had rolled around and they suffered through another quiet breakfast._

 _She hadn't known how to swallow her pride and apologize…and she wanted to so badly. She didn't like the way she felt. She didn't like the silence. She didn't like knowing that she had disappointed her mother and destroyed her confidence in her. When she was sent upstairs to get her backpack, she had spotted the Spice Girls cd laying on the dresser and she thought of their song 'Mama' and grabbed it, figuring maybe she could let someone else say it all for her. Kate waited until her mother pulled up in front of the school and then she put the cd in the player and skipped to track six, kissed her mother's cheek and hurriedly got out of the car and hurried into the building._

 _She remembered how she had sat in school all day wondering if her mother had understood what she was trying to say with that song. When Johanna picked her up from school at the end of the day, the cd was still playing and she hadn't been sure if that was a good sign or not._

" _How was your day?" Johanna asked as she pulled away from the school and merged with the traffic._

" _It was fine," Kate answered as she toyed with the strap of her backpack as it rested on her lap._

" _Did you have any tests or anything?"_

" _Just history but I think I did pretty well."_

 _Johanna nodded. "Still the Civil War or have you moved on to another unit?"_

" _The test was about the civil war but tomorrow we're starting the Reconstruction Era."_

" _Did you get your English paper back yet?"_

" _I got an A."_

" _Good…I know how hard you worked on it."_

 _Kate shifted in her seat and then realized that they weren't headed for the law firm. "Aren't we going to work?"_

" _No; I took the rest of the day off."_

" _Why?"_

" _I lost my case."_

" _I'm sorry."_

" _It happens," Johanna answered. "But I thought we could just go home…maybe go for a run if you wanted to.'_

 _She nodded. "Yeah; a run sounds good."_

 _She didn't know what to make of her mother's avoidance of the elephant in the car but she stayed quiet about it as they went home and changed. It didn't come up as they ran through the neighborhood, both of them lost in their own thoughts. When they made their way home, Johanna sat down on the porch and beckoned her to join her._

 _Kate chewed on her bottom lip as she waited for whatever was to come and finally Johanna spoke. "I'm sorry that I smacked you. It wasn't something that I ever wanted to do and it was more out of reflex than intent, not that that's an excuse and it certainly doesn't make me feel better about doing it. I was angry and you hurt me, but I wish I hadn't done that."_

" _It's okay," she answered. "It didn't really hurt and it didn't leave a mark."_

" _Yeah, well, when your grandfather slapped me across my face when I was fifteen, it hurt…and I had his handprint on my cheek for the rest of the night. I swore that I'd never do that to my child no matter how mad I was."_

" _You didn't smack me that hard."_

" _It doesn't matter; I shouldn't have done it. It was one thing to give you a rare swat across your backside when you were younger but it's another to smack your face and I'm sorry that it happened. I hope you can forgive me and know that it won't ever happen again."_

 _Kate nodded. "I forgive you."_

 _A beat of silence followed. "I'm assuming that your song selection this morning was your way of saying you're sorry."_

 _She ducked her head, her fingers tracing invisible patterns on the knee of her pants. "Yeah…I'm sorry, Mom."_

" _I accept your apology."_

" _Do you forgive me?" she asked; her gaze darting to her mother's face._

 _Johanna took her hand. "I always do."_

" _I don't hate you," Kate murmured._

" _I know," her mother replied. "And I know that there are times when you think I don't understand…but I do, Katie. I've been sixteen; I know what it feels like and what goes on in your head. I went parties I wasn't supposed to go to and got caught coming in the door smelling like beer and cigarettes…"_

" _You smoked?" her daughter asked in surprise._

" _Only once or twice, it made me sick…but I'm sure the beer didn't help matters. Let's just say I never smoked again after that night and I didn't drink again until I was legally old enough to do so. The yelling that took place in this house the other night was nothing compared to the yelling your grandfather did. I had my moments of attitude…depending on who you ask, some say I still do. I thought I was all grown up too…I thought my mother didn't get it, but she did. Just like I get it…and one day you'll be having this conversation with your daughter and she'll think you don't get it, but you will even if she doesn't think so, because you've been in her place. It's a part of growing up…just like taking the consequences for those actions is a part of growing up."_

" _I know; and I'm sorry I called you a…"_

 _Johanna nodded. "You're not the first person to call me a bitch and I'm sure you won't be the last…but it better be the last time I hear it from your lips."_

 _Her head bobbed in response. "I was just mad."_

" _I got the memo," her mother quipped. "But what changed your mind about me being public enemy number one?"_

" _I heard some things about the party."_

" _Like what?"_

" _There were things going on in the basement that I wouldn't have wanted any part of."_

" _Drugs?" Johanna asked._

" _Yeah," she answered as she looked her mother in the eye. "I don't do that stuff, Mom. I never have and I don't feel any need to try it unlike some people."_

" _I'm glad to hear that; I know I don't want you getting mixed up in that. It's a bad life, Katie."_

" _I know and I don't want anything to do with it. I don't want to ruin my life like that."_

" _Good; that's a smart choice. Did anything else happen?"_

" _The cops showed up."_

 _Johanna took a breath. "I hope no one tried to blame you for that. I swear I didn't have anything to do with it. Once I had you in the car I didn't care about the rest of them. I figured they were their parents problem to deal with, not mine."_

 _She shook her head. "No one blamed me that I know of. It happened long after we left. I heard it was the neighbors."_

" _So I guess a lot of your fellow party goers are in a lot of trouble with the law and parents combined."_

" _You could say that…I didn't offer your services to anyone."_

" _That's good, because I'd have to decline. I'm just glad I got you out of there when I did."_

" _Me too," she admitted._

" _Anything else help change your mind?"_

" _That guy I was with…I thought he liked me so much and yesterday I saw him with his tongue down Jessica Mitchell's throat. I guess he didn't like me all that much after all."_

 _Johanna squeezed her hand. "Some boys are like that. You're better off without him."_

" _I didn't really like him all that much anyway."_

 _A small smile touched Johanna's lips as she allowed her daughter to save face. "He didn't look like your type."_

 _Kate shook her head. "He's not; he's stupid."_

" _He did look like he was dumb."_

" _He is."_

" _You'll find someone better," she assured._

" _Yeah."_

 _Johanna blew out a breath. "I know you wish we could just chalk this up to a learning experience and let it go, but I can't, Katie. Your punishment stands; two months, no phone calls for the first two weeks and you'll be in my office after school every day."_

" _I know," Kate sighed._

" _I will make one modification."_

" _What?"_

" _I'll let you go to your babysitting job on the weekends. It isn't fair to Mark and Cathy to leave them in a jam for that many weeks. You've been working for them for a good while now; the girls are comfortable with you and you do a good job. I'll drop you off and as always Mark will bring you back home, okay?"_

 _She nodded. "Thank you."_

" _You're welcome…and just so you know; the two month sentence includes the two weeks you were already grounded for."_

" _Okay. Is Dad going to add to it when he gets home?"_

" _No…and just this once, I'm going to do you the favor of not telling him everything about that night. I'm going to tell them that you went out when I said you couldn't and copped your attitude but that I punished you and it's been dealt with. Don't think that I'm going to get in the habit of claiming all of your incidents under mother-daughter confidentiality, because I'm not. I'm doing it this time because I think we understand each other…and because you've been trying his patience lately and I don't want have to spend a whole night talking him out of boarding school and convents…because he has brochures…"_

" _He has brochures!"_

" _Yes, so I suggest you start walking the line because I might not always be able to talk him down, Katie."_

" _I don't want to go to those places."_

" _I don't want you to either."_

" _I'll try to be better."_

" _That's all I ask...but try hard."_

" _I promise," she murmured. "Mom?"_

" _What?"_

 _She held her gaze. "I don't want to get away from you."_

 _Johanna pulled her into a hug. "That's good, because you're not allowed to get away from me."_

" _I love you."_

" _I love you too…no matter what."_

Kate blinked back the tears that stung her eyes as the memory rolled through her mind; an odd sense of longing filling her. She and her mother had their moments of butting heads but they always worked it out…and they could work it out this time too. Her mother was most likely waiting her out, just like she had done in the past; giving her time to think and make her choices…giving her time to decide that she was ready to talk.

Castle nudged her, dragging her from her thoughts. "You know, if a Spice Girls song is going to make you cry, you really need to talk to your mother."

Kate nodded. "I know…I think I'll just go see her tomorrow…maybe ask her to go for a run with me since it's going to be mild."

"Sounds like a good plan," he replied. "I bet she'll like that."

"It would be best to talk to her in person about the things I need to tell her anyway," she went on as if she had to justify her change of heart.

"Agreed," Castle answered. "The personal touch is always a good way to go…especially when it's your mother."

"It's also best in case she'd ignore a phone call."

"Kate," he said as he pulled the sponge she was gripping from her hand. "You don't have to justify going to visit your mother; you should…that's what I've been hoping you'd do…for both your sakes."

"I just…I hope she's in a better frame of mind and that it goes smoothly. It wasn't really bad to begin with, I know why she provoked me, she wanted me to get my feelings out and I wasn't angry. I just get frustrated."

"I know."

"I hate feeling like a teenager who doesn't know what to do in these situations. You'd think that would go away with age but it doesn't…at least not between mothers and daughters. There's always a layer of guilt involved for both parties…and the daughter never knows exactly how to say 'I'm sorry' and make it all better. Moms know how to do that though…my mom is good at that. It's too bad I didn't inherit that gene."

He gave her a sympathetic smile. "Maybe it doesn't kick in until you're a mom."

"That could be."

"Everything will be fine; you know she's not going to leave you standing on the porch."

"I know."

"She loves you."

Kate nodded as she bit into her lip. "Sometimes I wonder how she can never seem to lose a drop of love for me…it's not like I make it easy to love me at times."

"I wouldn't say that," he replied, leaning closer to kiss her. "I find it very easy to love you, a lot of people do. I think that you find it difficult to accept it until you're ready for it, not that there's anything wrong with that, we're all like that at times. But you're not hard to love, not to me, not to anyone…especially not to Johanna Beckett. You don't ever have to worry about that."

She stole another kiss from him and took the sponge back from his hand. "I should finish cleaning up."

"The kitchen's spotless."

"I didn't finish this counter."

"Then get to work or you're fired," he teased.

She smiled; a sparkle of gratefulness in her eyes as he returned to the table.

* * *

After Johanna left the office, she went to the living room to retrieve Sarah McKenzie's photo album from the coffee table. Once she had it in hand, she intended to head for the stairs but her gaze caught on the bottom shelf of the bookcase where some of her own photo albums were stored. Her feet carried her forward without thought and she stooped down and selected two, stacking Sarah's album and her notebook on top of them as she shifted the pile into the crook of her arm. She made her way upstairs and laid the items on the bed while she went to the closet and pulled out the lap desk and carried it with her to the bed. She settled back against the pillows, laying the small table on her lap and then placing Sarah's album and her notebook on it. Grabbing a pen from the nightstand, she slowly went through the notebook, making notes about names, places and dates contained on the backs of the photos.

The task held her concentration but she kept being drawn back to the photos of her great-grandmother. There was something familiar about Mary Alice Riley but she couldn't put her finger on what it was. She couldn't have known the woman; well if life had been different she could have know her for a brief time, she thought as her eyes flicked to the notebook where she had written down Mary Alice's death date as November 15, 1955. She would've been four years old when her great grandmother passed away. She couldn't have known her though; her father hadn't had anything to do with his mother's family. But still it nagged her, this unexplained air of familiarity the more and more she saw the woman's image. She shook her head; perhaps it was because Mary Alice reminded her of her aunt Bridget. They did bear a bit of a resemblance to each other. She shook the thoughts away and closed the album. She had done enough research for the night.

Johanna sat her notebook and the album aside and reached for one the albums she had taken from the shelf downstairs. There was another realm of research she needed to dig into, she thought to herself as she opened the aging photo album, its aqua colored covers with its yellow floral design screamed that it was from the seventies. She smiled, those had been good times. She opened the cover, her smile remaining in place as the old photos met her eyes. The beginning of the album documented her graduation from law school and the parties that had followed it. She flipped through them, searching for the pages that would begin documenting her life as a member of the law firm of Stanford, Myers and Roche.

Finally she turned enough pages and there before her eyes was the first photo that had been taken of her and Jim. She smiled; it had been taken at her first Christmas party with the firm. Her fingers moved across the image lovingly; she hadn't known then that the man who had his arm around her would be the man she'd marry. She hadn't realized that he had already started worming his way into her heart. A soft wistful sigh crossed her lips; God, they looked so young, she mused; they looked like they were just kids…and maybe in some ways they had still been kids at that time. It did feel like they had done some growing up together over the years. She forced her attention away from the photo and made herself concentrate on the other pictures that filled the pages. She had plenty of pictures from law firm parties and other gatherings…plenty of faces in the backgrounds to recall and think of...faces of her friends in the foreground, one of whom might be betraying her by writing a blog.

Johanna searched for copies of the old photos she had seen on Vixen's blog. She came across one after a few pages; it was a group photo of sorts…two groups of friends being finagled into one frame for a photograph. On one side, there was her, Jim, Sharon, Phil, Jeff, Maggie, Zach, Jim's secretary, Sally and Sam Dennison. On the other side stood Charles, Stanley, Melanie, Callie, Jillian and Steve. She frowned as she studied the photo; there were a lot of suspects, not just in those two groups of people, but in general…and as that point was driven home, the chaos of the discovery settling, she was able to rule out her sister as a suspect. Colleen wouldn't have access to the photos from law firm parties. The culprit was someone she had worked with; there were numerous copies of those pictures made from each party. Any one connected with the law firm could have them. A sense of relief settled in her heart as she cleared her sister's name from suspicion. She should've realized sooner that it was impossible for it to be Colleen but she had been shaken by the discovery and it had come on the heels of a very public meltdown.

Colleen was in the clear…but her friends and foes were not. Her gut told her it wasn't Maggie. She had always gotten along well with Sally and considered her a friend and it didn't seem like something Sally would do. Besides, when she had asked Jim about his former secretary, he told her that after he had given up the day to day, Sally had retired as well and she and Sam had moved to Tennessee to be near their oldest daughter and her family. Sally was too far removed from the situation…but Sharon wasn't. Sharon was still in the city…she'd have those same photos from parties and events, she knew things about her that others wouldn't, like her fear of heights and how long it had taken her and Jim to get together. Her best friend was angry, hurt…maybe even bitter. If she discovered it was her, she would be devastated.

Johanna's gaze shifted back to the other set of people in the photo; it could be any one of those women, although she wasn't sure Melanie would be able to pull it off right under Jeff's nose…but then again, anything was possible. But there was also Callie and Jillian to consider. There were a lot of people to consider, the culprit might not even be in that photo; it could've been the person behind the camera but she couldn't remember who that had been. She turned the pages of the album, finding two more photos that had been on the blog. Some of the people from the first photo weren't in the second and third; some were absent completely, others could be seen in the background. Sharon was in all of them, she noted, but then reminded herself that it didn't make her guilty. She blew out a breath; the possibilities, even with being narrowed down to the people she worked with, seemed endless.

She closed the album, not wanting to think about it anymore for the night. The more she thought, the more she convicted her best friend without evidence…but could she really say that Sharon was her best friend anymore? In truth, she knew she couldn't. Sharon might have offered her a few words at the grocery store but it was obvious that she had turned her back on her just as Colleen had. She couldn't help but wonder if the ache she carried in regard to Sharon and Colleen would ever heal. How did you cope with the fact that people you loved and cared about would rather mourn you than welcome you home? It wasn't that she didn't understand that they were hurt and angry…what she didn't understand was why so many people couldn't grasp why she had done what she did. Why they couldn't accept her any longer.

Her thoughts were depressing and Johanna shook her head as if her mind was an Etch-A-Sketch that she could shake clean. She wished it was that easy, she thought to herself as she put the album aside and picked up the third that she had brought with her. The pink cloth covers were worn and a bit faded; ink marks from pens marring it and even a childish scribble in purple marker. Johanna opened the cover and smiled as she looked at Kate's hospital photo. Her baby girl; looking so tiny in her pink dress trimmed in white lace. Jim had bought her that dress as soon as the stores had opened the morning she was born; along with a stuffed elephant and a rag doll and a tiny little white t-shirt that said 'Daddy's Girl' in pink lettering. She had kept those things, unable to part with anything that Jim had bought in the midst of his new daddy euphoria. Her gaze drifted away from the picture, looking down the page to where a copy of Kate's birth announcement from the newspaper rested.

James R. Beckett and Johanna E. (McKenzie) Beckett; a daughter, Katherine, born Saturday, November 17, 1979. Paternal grandparents are Robert C. Beckett and Elizabeth A. (Bradley) Beckett. Maternal grandparents are Franklin P. McKenzie Sr. and Naomi A. (Calabrese) McKenzie. Paternal great grandmother is Lilly R. Beckett. Maternal great grandmother is Sophia C. Calabrese.

A smile touched her lips; Jim had made sure that every grandparent got a mention. He hadn't wanted to risk snubbing the happy great grandmothers. It had been a wise move; both Lilly and Sophia had been pleased to be included in the announcement. She turned the pages, looking at the photos that Jim had taken at the hospital, showing her holding Katie. Her exhaustion was easy to see, Johanna noted, but there wasn't one photo that didn't show a smile on her face as she gazed at her newborn daughter. She flipped more pages, stopping to study one of her favorite photos. Katie had been about two months old and she was sound asleep on Jim's chest as he laid on the couch, his eyes closed as well, his hands cradling her protectively as they napped together. She still remembered picking up the camera and capturing that moment. She was glad that she had, even though she had feared disturbing them.

As the pages turned, Johanna walked down memory lane, her fingertips skimming against her favorite photos; smiling at the small beautiful face that looked back at her in each one. Katie had been a happy baby; she was smiling more often than not in the collection of photos that covered the pages. Jim had taken a copious amount of photos of her and Katie together and they sent a pang of longing across her heart. She came across a photo that showed her holding her daughter on her lap as she experienced her first ice cream cone. A soft laugh crossed her lips; they had both been a sticky mess after the experience but her little girl who had been a little over a year old had loved it and it made all the stickiness worth it.

A few pages later she came across one of her favorite pictures of Katie. She'd been two at the time, a mischievous smile on her sweet little face. If she remembered correctly; she had just discovered her daughter in their closet, her small feet shoved into her high heels and she had been reaching up, tying to pull down a jacket which was out of her grasp. She pulled back the protective covering of the album's page and then picked up her phone and clicked a picture of the photo and set it as her background.

She sighed; she missed her daughter. She missed 'baby' Katie and those easier times when love wasn't doubted and hurts were easily soothed with a hug and a cookie. She missed 'grown-up' Katie too. Things were of course much more difficult to solve with her adult child, but she still loved her with every fiber of her being and she still wanted to keep her near. She reached for her phone which was laying beside her on the bed and she started to tap out a text message, deeming it a safer form of communication at the moment but then she stopped and deleted the message she had began. She couldn't always be the one to bend…sometimes her daughter had to be the one to give in. Wasn't that a lesson she had learned along the way? Hadn't pre-teen and teenage Katie taught her that? There had been times back then when she had to wait her out…just like she was waiting her out now. Only now the wait was something more precarious. She had much more to lose now than she had back then. Now she always faced the risk of losing her completely; teenage Katie had a curfew and no choice but to come home unless she wanted to be grounded for an extended period of time and be threatened with being shipped off to a convent. Johanna smiled; Jim had been fond of threatening their daughter with a life in a convent…it didn't always have the desired effect but sometimes it worked. She briefly wondered if her husband would like to put that tactic to use for old times sake.

Johanna looked through several more pages, her hand picking up her phone twice, ready to write the text over and send it but she stopped herself both times. She wasn't going to do it this time. Kate had to come to her…she needed to know that she would. Maybe it would make her feel better about things if she knew that she wasn't the only one willing to reach out when things were less than ideal. She laid the phone on the nightstand and closed the photo album; her trip down memory lane was making her too nostalgic and weakening her resolve. Johanna got up and placed the photo albums on the stand by the chair, she'd take them downstairs in the morning. She put her notebook with them and put away the lap desk and then set about getting ready for bed.

* * *

"If it makes you feel any better, I know that she's okay," Castle replied as he watched Kate struggle to find another task to give herself now that the kitchen was officially finished. He knew that Johanna was still on her mind despite making the decision to go see her the next day.

"How do you know that? Did you talk to her?"

"No; but while you were working your clearly inherited culinary magic by making dinner, I checked my email and saw that she had sent me a reply about the scenes I gave her to read."

Kate's brow rose. "How did that go?"

He smiled. "I'll get my laptop and read it to you…I found it very amusing."

Kate glanced to Alexis as Castle headed for his office to retrieve his computer. "Why do I feel like despite the amusement that this could still go either way?"

Alexis gave her a smile. "Because it can…he's either amused because she picked what he wanted her to pick, or he's convinced himself that she's just razzing him if she didn't pick the right one."

She nodded. "I can see that happening."

"Are you ready for this?" Castle asked as he returned to the table and sat down with his computer.

"We're ready," Kate replied.

" _Dear, Rick," he began. "I'm sorry it's taken so long for me to get back to you about your scenes, I hope I haven't held you up any. Life, as you know, has been stressful and I didn't want to give you anything less than my best when it came time to give you an opinion. I've read each scene several times and I like them both in their own right; but in the end, I'd have to choose scene two as the best and more suited to what I expect to see in one of your books._

 _If you were writing a romance novel instead of a crime/mystery novel, I'd go with scene one. Well, okay, maybe with a few little tweaks to tone it down just a little. I read plenty of romance novels in between mysteries and even they aren't all fluff. They have drama and intrigue and obstacles to overcome. Now don't get me wrong, scene one is perfectly nice and lovely…but definitely more suited to a different type of book. I feel like if you used this in one of Nikki's books that they'd have to be puking rainbows and butterflies in the next chapter and possibly the rest of the book and let's face it, Rick; no one wants that…and any of your fans that say they do are lying and would be the first ones to call you on it in scathing comments."_

Kate and Alexis burst into laughter, causing him to pause in his reading. "She has a way with words, doesn't she?" Castle asked; a grin on his lips.

"She always has," Kate replied. "Is there more?"

"Oh yes, there's more," he answered; turning his attention back to the screen.

" _Don't get me wrong, I like the occasional fluffy moment between the characters that I love but I also like to see them earn it, so to speak. Real romances are full of little fluffy moments, but they're also full of obstacles, arguments, misunderstandings and the occasional bout of suffering. I know this from experience. When it came time for Jim and I to get our act together and become a couple, he didn't come along quietly. There were tears, arguments, sleepless nights and a lot of suffering…on both parts. As you know, it all worked out and I won the battle; but I figure if I had to work for my happily ever after, then my fictional friends should have to as well. It makes it more realistic and easier to identify with."_

"She does have a point about that," Kate remarked.

"She's aware of that," he replied as he went on.

" _I think we both know that scene two will make for a better story. Being in a love haze in real life can sometimes cloud your mind and people have been known to spout poetry and such things because of it…and I'm thinking that's either the case here or there's another reason for it and I'll get to that in a moment. If it is the love haze, I certainly don't hold it against you; we're all guilty of it at times, but…"_

"I sensed there was a but coming," Alexis quipped with amusement.

He nodded. "I do love how she builds up to it and forgives me for any love haze I might be under…I'm sure that forgiveness stems from the fact that she's the mother of the person responsible for any haze."

"She is biased like that," Kate laughed.

" _But as lovely as scene one is, it isn't really you. I don't mean that in a bad way of course, please don't think that, and if you do decide to use the scene, I'm sure I'll still enjoy the book…but I'm not sure how you'd keep the tone of the book as you described to me in your message. I've read, to my knowledge, all of your books, Rick; and I feel like I know your style well and as I just mentioned, scene one didn't really feel like you. It was well written, there's no disputing that but it didn't have the feeling that your writing always carries. It felt like you forced yourself to go in this direction when you didn't really want to. It's subtle, but to someone who's been reading your work for a long time, it is noticeable. May I ask why you wrote scene one in the way you did? Did someone tell you that you needed to write more of this type of scene? Did you see some type of reviews or comments that carried that notion and it swayed you toward this? I'm not asking to shame you or anything, because if that's the case it's nothing to be ashamed of at all, I'm sure all writers, no matter how many bestsellers and accolades they have, struggle with the voices of outsiders getting into their heads at times._

 _Scene one felt like an experiment, one that you weren't sure of and most likely not happy with but for some reason felt you had to carry out. Scene two felt like you; it flowed and crackled and intrigued; it resonated, because we've all had those moments where something is going so incredibly well and perfect and then something happens and it turns on a dime. Scene two was the Nikki and Rook I know and love and root for. I think you know that. I think that's why you've been struggling with the decision, for some reason you feel like you have to go with scene one when really in your heart, you know you want it to be scene two. Trust your instincts; you're a successful author who knows what he's doing._

 _I hope I haven't offended you, I really do believe scene one is a nice scene overall…I'd just rather it be in a different book and about different characters. Have you ever thought about writing in more than one genre? You could use a different pen name if you wanted to experiment. I have a feeling you'll laugh at that. Go ahead; if you're laughing that means you probably aren't cussing me…"_

Kate couldn't stifle her laughter. "I like how she's gone from lovely down to nice about that first scene."

"You noticed that too?" he laughed. "Do you feel her apology for it all over this like I do?"

"Yes," she giggled. "She's so apologetic about telling you that you don't have a future writing fluff…unless you do it under an assumed name with a different set of characters."

"I should write her back and tell her I'm using her name for my debut romance novel," Castle remarked with a gleam in his eye.

"She'd ring phones then," Kate replied. "Is there still more?"

"Yes; she's a very thorough correspondent."

" _But if you do want to write 'fluffier' scenes at times, you should take my advice and read a few romance novels….I have a few shelves full if you need to borrow one. It might also cure you of sticking your nose up at romance authors; I haven't forgotten your sniff of disapproval of my favorite historical romance author. Perhaps you should start with one of her books; she could teach you a lot."_

"Did that one bruise you a little, Castle?" Kate asked as she tried not to laugh.

He shook his head. "No; your mother has already lectured me about snobbiness toward my fellow writers of different genres…and I will never again sniff in the presence of a Julia Quinn novel…especially if Johanna Beckett is holding it and gushing about it."

"You better not; she doesn't forget things like that," she remarked as Alexis chuckled lightly while she jotted something down in her notebook.

"It will never happen again," he assured; "And one day, I may just have to shock her and brush up on regency romance just to show her that I'm open minded."

"Please make sure I'm present for that conversation," Kate replied. "I don't want to miss that moment."

"You'll have a front row seat," he promised as he gave his attention back to the message on the screen.

" _To wrap this up, I highly recommend scene two; but it is your decision to make and whatever you choose, I'll support and still be anxious to read. These are just my opinions after all, you're free to disregard them and of course you're not obligated to answer any of the questions I posed…although I will remain curious about them, but still, you don't have to tell me if you don't want to. If you do choose scene two, I noticed a few little typos, I included them at the end of this message; I figure if you correct them now it's one less thing for you to do later. Let me know what you decide on; if you don't mind that is; and I really hope I didn't offend you about scene one; which isn't bad at all, just not exactly right for this book, in my opinion of course. –Johanna_

"Wow," Kate said when he finished. "She wants so badly to come over here and make you pick scene two and yet at the same time she doesn't want to offend you for vetoing scene one…she's torn. I feel like she was holding back a little…except for that romance book reading part," she laughed.

"I think she could have a career in this," Castle commented.

"Really? I thought editors were supposed to be a little rougher than that."

"That's why she'd be successful; she could market herself as the nice editor. She doesn't want to offend, she appreciates the work that was done while offering her opinion…in a somewhat humorous way…like that puking rainbows remark. Writers would flock to her."

"Well if she starts mentioning wanting a job, I'll send her your way," Kate replied.

"I might not want to share her insight with the world," he quipped. "I may want to keep it for myself."

Her brow furrowed. "Why?"

"Because it's been a long time since someone asked me why I wrote something the way I did with pure interest in the answer. Publishers only ask that question if they believe you're trying to cause harm to the brand and want to talk you out of it for monetary reasons. Johanna doesn't want me to use scene one, but she wants to know why I wrote it the way I did. She wants to know the influence and what I was thinking; not in a harsh way, but out of simple curiosity and a need to understand. Fans of course ask questions about why I've done certain things, but not in this manner. It's refreshing…and nice to know that someone cares to know the answer."

"Does that mean she's right about outside influences?" Alexis asked before Kate could get the words out.

Castle gave a slight nod. "It's possible."

"You're not going to give us a definitive answer on that?" Kate asked.

"I believe I owe the answer to someone else first."

She smiled. "It was nice of you to let her do this."

"I felt she'd have valuable insight," Castle remarked. "I was right."

"So did she pick the scene you wanted her to?" she inquired.

He smiled brightly. "Yes…and she's right, always go with instinct."

A teasing smile tugged at her lips. "Yeah, my mother really needs another reason to say 'I told you so'; thank you so much for giving her one."

"I'm always happy to accommodate the Beckett women," he quipped. "I'll write her back tomorrow and let her know that all is well and that I haven't been offended. I don't want her to worry."

"She would…and then she'd worry if she had offended you that she would then have my ire as well. So please make sure you write her back."

"I promise."

Kate blew out a breath. "At least she's checked in in a manner of speaking. I mean I know Dad would call if something was wrong, but…" she trailed off.

Castle offered her an understanding smile. "Maybe that's one of the reasons she replied tonight. She knew I'd tell you about it…and therefore you'd know she was okay."

"Maybe so…you didn't skip anything did you? Did she mention me?"

"No, I read you everything but I wouldn't take it to heart. She probably wanted to be subtle…and maybe professional."

She nodded. 'That makes sense."

"My theories always make sense," he replied. "You just refuse to accept that."

"I don't accept it because it isn't true."

"I don't expect you to admit it," Castle said as he moved toward her and captured her lips in a kiss. "But this theory is a good one, you'll go see her tomorrow and work everything out. It'll be fine, you'll see. And since you provided dinner tonight, I shall provide entertainment."

Kate conjured up a small smile as she nodded in agreement with his plan. She hoped his entertainment would keep her mind occupied because if it didn't, she'd be thinking of all the ways everything could still be wrong while hoping that fences could be mended as easily as they had been when she was a teenager.

* * *

By the time Jim made his way upstairs, nearly an hour later than he had predicted, Johanna was settled into her side of the bed, the TV on and the aqua colored photo album in her hands as she leaned back against her pillows. "What made you drag that out?" he asked as he laid his phone on his nightstand before moving to the dresser to get ready for bed.

"I don't know," Johanna replied. "I guess I just wanted to take a stroll down memory lane and remember what we looked like when we didn't worry so much."

He shot her a grin as he changed his clothes. "You worried me plenty back then."

She laughed softly. "You worried me too."

"I know; it was easy to see how worried you were about standing a chance against all of those other women who were following me around begging to be mine. But you didn't need to lose sleep, I liked you best."

She smirked at him. "I love when you have these moments of delusion."

His eyes danced with amusement as he moved toward the bed. "Hey, I generated plenty of interest."

"I know," she answered, a smile touching her lips. It was true, there had been other women who would've loved to get their hands on him; after all he was handsome, successful, warm, funny, and charming among other attributes. They would've been crazy not to want him.

"But you won me," Jim quipped as he settled into place next to her, hooking a finger under her chin and drawing her close for a kiss.

"It's a good thing," she replied. "If I hadn't, you might've ended up with Melanie."

Jim grimaced. "I don't think so."

"You did go out with her," she reminded him.

"Only a few times and it meant nothing," he remarked.

She glanced at him. "Are you ever going to tell me how far it went?"

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"I think you do."

He shook his head. "I don't."

"You spent a weekend with her."

"It was business."

"I'm sure," she said wryly.

"We weren't even together then."

Johanna laughed. "What's that got to do with it? Are you confessing?"

"No; I'm just reminding you that we weren't together then. As a matter of fact, you were going out with Brad the idiot ad man that your sister set you up with…and what you saw in him is beyond me. He was more into his Porsche than you."

"Oh he wanted to be more into me, I just kept telling him no. That's why he dumped me."

"You were smart to say no and save yourself for me."

"You say that like I had never been with a man before you."

Jim smiled. "In my mind I'm your one and only."

She kissed him. "That's right; you're my one and only and the only one who matters."

"Exactly; so the statement stands, you were smart to say no to the ad man."

"But the question remains, were you smart?"

"Of course I was, the night he dumped you I kissed you senseless. You stopped dating other men after that and I congratulated myself on a job well done…at least until you got mad a year and a half later and started your lunch date campaign in your quest to finish reeling me in."

"It worked," she quipped.

Jim laughed as he nodded. "I almost lost my mind but it worked…although when you moved up to nighttime dates I wanted to wring your neck."

"That's okay," Johanna replied as she patted his arm. "I wanted to punch you…repeatedly."

He chuckled. "I'm glad we decided on sex instead."

"Sex is always a more enjoyable option…but I enjoyed the conversation that preceded it as well."

"Yeah; that was good too…but you know...it was a long incredible night."

A smile slid across her lips as her gaze met his. "They all are, aren't they?"

"Most definitely," he answered as he moved closer, his hand gliding across her waist as he kissed her neck.

Johanna laughed. "Did I issue an invitation?"

"I'm under the impression that I always have an open invitation with you," Jim replied with a quiet laugh against her skin.

"I thought we were talking."

"We're moving on."

"Because you don't want to answer my question," she said lightly as she tried to ignore his tactics.

"What question?"

"You know what question."

Jim pulled back from her a little, a teasing smile on his lips as he tried to pull the photo album away from her. "I think you strolled enough, let's put this away."

"Not yet," Johanna replied; holding on to it tightly. "I haven't finished my stroll."

"You'd have more fun with me."

She grinned. "You're welcome to stroll with me."

"This isn't over," he quipped. "I'm taking this as a challenge."

"Whatever makes you happy, honey," she replied as she turned a page of the album. "Look, here are the pictures from our road trip."

"That was a good time," Jim said fondly.

"Yeah it was…aren't you going to tell me where we're going next weekend?"

"No; I told you it was a surprise. You'll like what it is, that's all you need to know."

"We're not leaving the state?"

"No, sweetheart; I'm afraid this isn't the sequel to our road trip…but we'll get to that, I promise."

"I'm looking forward to it," Johanna replied. "We had so much fun."

"We can have even more fun this time," he told her in amusement as he brushed kisses along her jaw.

"We almost had that kind of fun last time."

Jim laughed. "My only regret about that trip is that we didn't see that through."

"Mine too," she said with a nod. "It was extremely tempting."

"I was all for the temptation; you're the one who left me…after you teased me."

"Oh sure, blame it all on me."

"You're the one who started it," he replied.

"I did not; all I did was give you a massage because your shoulder hurt."

"It was more than that…you kissed me."

"I thought you were asleep."

Jim laughed. "I didn't stand a chance in hell of going to sleep, not with you being that up close and personal."

She smiled. "Do you want me to apologize?"

"Never."

"Good," she grinned; "Because I wasn't going to."

"You're going to pay for being so smug," he teased, giving his attention to her neck.

"I thought we were looking at pictures," she remarked, a slight hitch in her breath.

"I've got all the pictures in my head," Jim answered before capturing her lips in a kiss. "I remember it all clearly…your short shorts, your little tank tops, your slinky summer dresses, your pink silk nightgown…and that lovely collection of bikinis."

"You were fond of those," Johanna murmured. "Did you ever decide which one was your favorite?"

"The hot pink one," he replied, his fingers casually opening the buttons of her silky pajama top without her notice.

"I had a feeling it would be that one."

"I wouldn't mind seeing you in a new one this summer," he told her with a grin.

Johanna scoffed. "I'm afraid my bikini days are over, darling."

"Why?"

"I think I'm a little old for them now."

Jim shook his head. "Celebrities your age and older have been in magazines wearing them."

"I'm not a celebrity."

"I know, you're better; you're Johanna Beckett and none of them are as gorgeous as you are, sweetheart."

"That's sweet of you," she said as she kissed him.

"It's the truth; no celebrity could compare to you."

A smile touched her lips as she closed the album, pulling away momentarily to set it down in the space between the nightstand and the bed.

"That's my girl," Jim stated, an affectionate gleam in his eyes as she moved back toward him.

"I never have been able to resist your sweet talking ways."

"I'm glad for your low resistance," he replied as she finally noticed that he'd undone her buttons as the warmth of his hand settled against her skin.

She couldn't help but laugh. "You are determined, aren't you?"

"Always when it comes to you, you should know that by now…and besides I'm positive you issued an invitation."

"And you just slip right in, don't you?" she laughed, her gaze dipping to his hand.

He grinned. "I'm very stealth, don't you think?"

"Oh yes, just like a cat burglar."

Jim laughed as he tugged the silky material from her shoulder and brushed kisses against her skin. She shifted, sliding down in the bed, her arms reaching for him as she did so.

"I knew you'd see it my way," he smiled.

A giggle crossed her lips, her eyes sparkling as her fingers sunk into his hair. "What's so funny?" he asked, dragging his fingertips along her side, making her squirm.

"I was just thinking about the other night when we were watching TV and you said we'd never end up like those people on those commercials."

Jim laughed with her. "Well I'm proving it to you."

"I think we proved it many times."

"There's nothing wrong with driving home a point," he replied. "Besides, it's good for us."

"Is that right?"

He nodded. "It's a medical fact. It relaxes you, it's fun, it can be considered exercise and it keeps us young."

"I can't argue with that."

"Good, that would distract us from our business."

She smiled up at him, her hands cupping his face. "Come here," she murmured lovingly as she drew him closer for a passionate kiss.

Conversation ceased, their playful words replaced with kisses that steadily grew more intense; touches that were fueling the fire as layers were slowly stripped away. They were firmly wrapped up in one another, everything forgotten outside of their own little world…until Jim's phone buzzed on the nightstand; startling her and making her break their kiss.

"Ignore it," Jim murmured.

She shook her head. "You should check and see what it is."

"It's just a text."

"It could be Katie," she replied, dodging his attempt to draw her into another kiss. "Something could be wrong."

He suppressed a sigh, knowing she wouldn't relax until he had checked the phone. He reluctantly moved away from her and grabbed the offending device from the stand and opened the message. "It was Jeff," he told her. "He wants to know if I have a file he's looking for."

"Oh," she replied as he tapped out a quick reply and sent it.

Jim put the phone back on the stand and shifted back toward his wife. She didn't want anything to be wrong but he knew that she was disappointed that it hadn't been Katie checking in in some way. "She's fine," he told her as he pulled her closer.

"I know."

He caught her lips in a kiss, hoping he could get her back into her previous mind set and that they could pick up where they left off. "She'll come around."

She nodded, knowing it was expected of her as she slipped her arms around him.

"When I replied to Jeff I told him that he and I are going to have to have another talk about his bad timing."

Johanna laughed softly, relaxing as his hands began to move over her again. "He does seem to have a knack for interrupting us, doesn't he?"

"Yes; I'm going to see if there's some kind of help he can get for that."

"At least he didn't need bail money this time."

"If he had, he'd be waiting until morning this time."

Johanna smiled. "I agree; the second offense he gets to wait it out."

"I'm glad we're in agreement," Jim said in between kisses. "And now I say we get back to what we were doing."

"Was there any doubt that we would?"

"Momentarily."

She caressed his face as she kissed him passionately. "I guess I better erase any lingering doubts you might have," she whispered.

He smiled. "Sounds like a good idea to me."

"I love you," she murmured.

"I love you too."

Johanna pushed aside all the thoughts plaguing her mind, concentrating solely on her husband and how much she loved the little bubble they could slip into together were nothing else mattered but them. Maybe a long night with him was just what she needed…maybe it would ease her own doubts and worries and make tomorrow look better.


	17. Chapter 17

_Authors Note: Thanks for your reviews! I'm at the end of my stash of finished chapters, so that means there's going to be a little bit of a wait for the next chapter. I do have it started but I need to finish up the chapter of Reflections I'm working on and I also need to update The Visitors and then I'll get back to this one as quickly as possible. And just for the record, one last time, just because Castle and Kate appear in scenes in this story doesn't mean that I've lied about removing the focus from them; it means the scenes fit with the plot and are needed because of something going on with Kate that affects Johanna as well. Just relax and enjoy._

Chapter 17- Mama-Part 2

" _Mama, I love you, Mama, I care,… you're my friend – Spice Girls_

As she got out of her car the next afternoon, Kate glanced around at her surroundings. The neighborhood she had grown up in was mostly quiet. She could hear the sounds of kids playing in a nearby backyard and there were a few people sitting on porches taking advantage of a mild Sunday which in all probability would be their last warm day until spring. She moved casually as she made her way up the walk and then up the steps to the door. She was about to use her key and let herself in but then thought better of it and knocked instead. A few moments passed and then the door cracked open and Jim appeared before her. "You could've let yourself in," he told her.

She smirked. "Well I figured knowing how you and mom are that maybe it would be best to knock; and anyway, are you getting too lazy to answer the door?"

Her father smiled as she stepped inside. "It's Sunday, the day of rest; and what do you mean about how your mother and I are?"

"You know how you are," she replied; hanging her purse on the hook in the entryway. "You're always all over each other, you always have been…I thought it would taper off when you got older but apparently that's not the case."

"And it never will be so get used it," Jim replied smugly. "And it's not all the time…we do have lives and other things to do."

She laughed. "And let me guess, one of those things was you having your day of rest in front of a ballgame?"

"No; I was in the office doing some work."

"So much for resting," Kate quipped as they stood near the door.

"You're one to talk. What brings you by?"

"Is Mom home?"

Jim gave her an incredulous look. "Where else would she be?"

Kate shrugged. "The market…Valerie's?"

He shook his head and then lowered his voice. "She hasn't been anywhere since she had that panic attack."

"She hasn't left the house at all?"

"She goes out and gets the mail. Since it was warm yesterday we sat on the porch on the swing until it became obvious that the neighbors were staring and talking about us."

She frowned. "Then I'm probably not going to be able to get her to go for a run with me, am I?"

"Oh I don't know," he replied; his eyes lighting up a bit at the interest his daughter had in taking her mother out for a run. "We might be able to get her out there. She's in the office, go on back and get started."

"Where are you going?"

"To get a cup of coffee. I'll be there in a minute."

She gave a nod and then moved down the hallway to the office; hesitating for a moment outside the door as she wondered how awkward this encounter would be. She forced her feet forward, her gaze seeking out her mother as she crossed the threshold. She found her at her desk, her laptop open, a pen and notebook lying beside it.

Johanna looked up from her computer as Kate stepped in front of her desk. She schooled herself not to show surprise at her sudden appearance and the apprehension in Kate's eyes had her searching for a non-threatening opening statement. "Going to the gym?" she asked as she took in Kate's black and purple trimmed workout jacket and pants.

"No," Kate replied, shifting slightly on her feet. "I thought maybe we could go for a run together…like we used to."

"I don't know," Johanna said in hesitation. "I've been running on the treadmill in the basement a few days a week."

"I know you run on the treadmill…but you always liked running outside…and you keep up with me pretty good."

"Isn't it chilly out?"

"No; actually it's pretty nice out. You'll be comfortable if you wear a jacket. I know you have work out clothes, I helped you pack."

A small smile touched Johanna's lips. "I have some very similar to what you have on."

"I know; yours are trimmed in hot pink instead of purple."

"I guess you were paying attention."

She nodded. "We have similar tastes…and I did bring home a bag full of clothes you were going to get rid of."

"I know."

"So…how about you go change and we'll go for that run…like old times."

"Go on," Jim said from the doorway. "You'll be fine with Katie and you'll enjoy it."

Her teeth worried her bottom lip for a moment as she pondered it. "Okay," she finally relented; figuring she shouldn't squander an opportunity to have time with her daughter. "Just give me a few minutes to change."

"No problem," Kate replied with a small smile.

Johanna rose from her chair and left the room to change her clothes. Kate remained in the office, her gaze landing on the open notebook, its page filled with names and dates. "What's she working on?" she asked as her father settled back in at his own desk.

"Genealogy," he answered. "She wants to find out more about her grandmother's family."

"Grandpa McKenzie's mother?"

"Yeah."

"Has she had any luck?"

Jim smiled as she turned to face him, a look in his eyes that implied she read into his statement. "You'll have to ask her."

Kate was quiet for a moment as she absorbed the layers; at first thinking he was providing her with ice breaker conversation and then going deeper…thinking about the things she didn't like to think about too often. "Are things really that bad?" she asked.

"Between you and your mother?"

"Yeah."

Jim gave a slight nod. "In some ways I think they are. You were closer to her when she was staying with you. Now that she's been home, it's like you've been pushing her away at times. You touch base but it's like you're not fully involved anymore. It's like she's more of an acquaintance now than your mother…unless you need her. I think that's partly why she feels lonely lately. She feels like she's lost most of you along the way."

"Has she said that?" Kate asked quietly as she moved to stand in front of his desk.

"Not in so many words; but I watch her face fall every time she invites you to dinner and you tell her no."

She blew out a soft breath. "I'm sorry but I can't run over here for dinner all the time. I have things to do. I have Rick."

Jim looked up at her. "No one asked you to come every day…I think once a week or even once every two weeks would make her happy and feel more connected to you. I know you have other things to do, we all do…but sometimes you have to find time to show people that they matter. Relationships are a wonderful thing, Katie; finding your mother was the best thing that ever happened to me. She's my world…but that doesn't mean I don't make room for other people who are important to me. When we became a couple we wanted to stay in a bubble, just be with each other and no one else…but we had lives, responsibilities, friends and family. That first day we were together, she went to her mother's for dinner and I went to mine. We love each other more than some people can imagine, but we always make room for our family, our friends…our daughter."

"I make room," she replied.

"Only when you feel like you have to or when you need something. You need to find balance, Katie. I'm happy that you've found someone to love and who loves you in return, but he can't be the only person who exists in your world. When your mother and I started dating, we didn't drop everyone else from our lives. On Sundays we each went to our parents for dinner. She went out with her friends. I went out with my friends. She visited her siblings, I visited mine. Hell one time we had to take Greg on our date with us. It wasn't the evening I had in mind but it turned out pretty good anyway. You can't just lose yourself because you have a relationship now. He's not the only one who loves you."

Kate sighed. "I know, Dad."

"I hope so. You know, I like to see you sometimes too. I loved you when you were the size of a jelly bean and making your mother throw up ten times a day."

She gave a short laugh. "I appreciate that you loved me despite her morning sickness."

Jim chuckled. "She loved you despite it too."

"I know," she said softly. "I'll try to do better."

"That's all we ask," he replied with a smile. "But just so you never forget; we love you even when you're distant too."

Kate nodded. "I love you both too…you know that right?"

"Of course I do."

"Does she?"

"Yes," Jim answered; "For the most part she knows…but she lives in a quiet state of turmoil right now and sometimes you have to remind her of the things she knows in her heart that her brain sometimes tells her to doubt."

She knew that feeling, Kate thought to herself. "I understand."

Her father smiled. "I know you didn't come over for a lecture but I can't really apologize for it."

A small smile tipped her lips upwards. "Lectures are in your job description as a father."

"Just keep in mind that I learned the art from the best…I got plenty of lectures from my own father."

"It does ease my pain," she teased.

They heard Johanna's footsteps in the hallway and they ceased their conversation. "Hey, there's Gidget," Jim said with a grin as he caught sight of Johanna's ponytail as she walked into the room.

"I'm not Gidget," she retorted as she moved to the desk to pick up her phone and slip it into the pocket of her jacket.

"You're right," her husband replied; "We discussed this before; you're brunette Barbie. Forgive me for forgetting."

Kate gave a laugh. "That would make you Ken, Dad."

"He'll be 'Sleeps Alone' Ken if he's not careful," Johanna warned playfully. "He likes to sit down in the basement when I'm on the treadmill and make comments."

"What kind of comments?" she asked.

"You don't want to know."

Kate shifted her gaze back to her father who was grinning widely. "I think she's cute when she runs," he stated.

She shook her head. "Should I be worried about what goes on here when I'm not around?"

Jim smiled. "No; it's nothing she doesn't like."

"Are you sure about that?" she couldn't help but tease.

"Positive," her father replied. "She'd be upset if I didn't offer her commentary once in awhile."

She shifted her gaze to her mother. "Are you ready to go?"

Johanna shoved her hands into the pockets of her jacket and rocked slightly on her feet. "Yeah; I guess so."

"You don't sound too sure."

Johanna made a smile appear on her lips. "I'm fine; I'm ready when you are."

"Let's go then," Kate replied as she headed for the door of the office.

Jim rose from his chair to follow them, sliding into place by his wife, giving her a loving pat on her backside. "You should wear these pants more often," he told her as he met her eye.

A sassy smile touched her lips. "You've told me."

"So why don't you do it?" he asked with a laugh.

"Because I don't think you could handle it," she remarked without missing a beat.

"Don't be so sure," he quipped.

"You do know that I'm wearing practically the same outfit as her, right?" Kate asked as she paused at the front door.

Johanna laughed as Jim grimaced. "Don't say things like that," he replied.

"It's the truth," she stated. "The only difference is that her outfit is trimmed in pink…it's exactly the same except for that."

"Well you need to go buy a new outfit," Jim told her. "One that looks nothing like your mother's."

Kate shook her head. "No; I like this one; it's very comfortable."

Johanna gave a short laugh as she moved to the door with Kate. "I guess I'll be getting my ass pinched less in basement now."

"You're welcome," Kate told her as she opened the door. "Feel free to bake me some cupcakes as a thank you."

"No cupcakes for you," Jim said as he stepped out onto the porch with them. "She likes being pinched once in awhile; it makes her feel special."

"Who told you that?" Johanna asked.

He grinned at her. "The smile on your face."

"Oh God," Kate said as she moved to the steps. "See, I was right, all over each other all the time…whether it be with words or actions."

"You say that like it's a bad thing," Johanna replied. "That's what keeps a marriage strong and fun."

"Exactly," Jim agreed. "You girls have fun…you both have your phones?"

"Yes," they both answered as they double checked their pockets.

Jim stood on the porch and watched them as they started out with a light jog once they reached the sidewalk. He watched until they were out of sight, praying that no one would bother them and that maybe in between the exercise and the comfort of just being together, that they'd talk and work through their latest discord…maybe find another small measure of healing.

* * *

"Dad says you've been working on your grandmother's family tree," Kate commented after they had jogged in silence for awhile.

"Yes; I have been," Johanna answered. "I just started a few days ago. I still have one of her diaries left to read; I'm halfway through the second one."

"Have you had any luck with your search?"

"I've found out more about her siblings and her parents; birthdates, occupations, spouses; things like that. I'm trying to track down her grandparents now."

"I guess it's kind of like being a detective," Kate remarked.

Johanna smiled. "Yeah; it is. You've got to find the right lead to get what you want."

"Are you enjoying it?"

"Yes; I like it."

"Let's stop for a minute; I think I have a rock in my shoe," Kate said as she drifted to a low stone wall bordering the property of an empty home and sat down.

Johanna stood by as Kate untied her shoe and took it off. She kept looking around, glancing over her shoulder; looking for any sign that someone was watching. She didn't see anyone but that didn't necessarily mean anything. Whoever was running that blog could have spies anywhere. It could be one of those people who knew how to creep along without being noticed.

"There's no one around, Mom," Kate stated as she put her shoe back on.

"I know."

"Then why do you keep looking over your shoulder?"

"Just paranoid I guess," Johanna replied. "You never know who might be watching."

Kate eyed her. "Is there something you need to tell me?"

"Like what?"

"Are you being threatened?"

"No!"

"Are you sure? Because you're acting like you're waiting for someone to spring up behind you."

"Wouldn't you, if you were me?" Johanna asked.

"Not if I wasn't being threatened."

"I'm not being threatened," she exclaimed quietly. "The last time I thought I wasn't being followed I got surprised. I told you, I'm paranoid."

Kate chose her words carefully. "Maybe you need to talk to someone about that."

Johanna's jaw tightened; this was the second time in several days that someone had suggested that she was unbalanced…discounting the media and the online peanut gallery. "And here I thought you came to visit because you missed me. I probably should've known better."

Her daughter looked at her oddly. "What do you mean by that?"

"It means I find it more than coincidental that a few days ago my husband wanted to medicate me and now you want to send me to a psychiatrist. Did you two think this up together?"

"No," Kate replied. "Why would you think that?"

"What am I supposed to think?"

"You're supposed to think that I care about you and want you to get over this; and maybe if more than one person is suggesting that you have a problem, maybe you should take it under consideration."

Johanna scoffed. "I'm just supposed to get over it. I wish I could; but it's not that easy. I've got thirteen years of baggage to carry around with me. Every day I get to live with the thought that someone wanted to kill me. I get to live with the knowledge that I had to leave my family to stay alive, to keep them safe. I get to think about how you had a bullet in your heart because of me; that your blood is on my hands. I get to think about wasted years and the danger I put all of us in when I couldn't take it anymore and came back…and you got hurt again. I've got to live with all of that, Kate. All the pain I caused; all the lives I upset. I get to live with the fact that the majority of people who knew me now hate me and wonder if they ever really knew me at all. I get to be judged by people that don't know a damn thing about me except what they're reading in tabloids and newspapers. You don't just snap your fingers and get over it; I wish I could get over it and make it all go away for you; but I can't. I'd make it go away for my husband; for everybody who ever meant anything to me, but I can't. I just can't. It doesn't work that way."

"But maybe you could get over it in some ways if you talked to someone," Kate suggested. "Maybe then you wouldn't have so much to carry."

She looked at her incredulously. "No one will ever be able to take it away, Katie. I'm sorry that I can't change for you. Believe me, I know what a burden I am to you; I know I embarrass you and that you were better off without me. I know, okay? So let's cease the intervention because I'm not taking medication and I'm not going to go air my dirty laundry for some doctor that charges two hundred dollars an hour to say 'and how does that make you feel?' It makes me feel like a goddamn failure. It makes me feel like scum on my worst days. I don't need my brain picked; I pick it enough on my own."

"You thought it was fine that I went to a therapist," Kate remarked.

"That was different; you suffered a trauma."

"People who haven't suffered physical traumas go to therapists."

Johanna's eyes narrowed. "Why don't you go back to yours and ask him why you can't get over your hate for me?"

Kate sighed as she got up from the wall she was sitting on. "I don't hate you."

Her mother struggled to hold back her emotions. "Yeah you do…but it's okay; I get it…and I'm still sorry, for whatever it's worth; although I know you're sick of my apologies and my overly emotional nature. You got a bum deal in the mother lottery…it seems to be a family thing. I got a bum deal in the father lottery. Hopefully your kid will do better whenever you get around to having one."

Kate took a breath and forced herself not to lose her temper as her mother stood before her, her gaze everywhere but on her. "Regardless of what you think, I didn't come here today to try to force you into therapy. I didn't know Dad had made any mention of medication and I don't want to know. That's between you and him and I'm sure you gave him an earful. He didn't ask me to talk to you about anything, especially this. I came over on my own, because I wanted to see you. I wanted to talk to you about some things; but I swear your mental state wasn't one of them."

"I'm not crazy," Johanna declared quietly.

"No one said you were."

She sighed; her mood for a run ruined; and she noticed that her daughter hadn't denied that she was a burden and an embarrassment. "Let's go home, Katie."

Kate shook her head. "No, not yet."

"Why not?"

"I don't think we're done talking."

"Do you really think this is the place to do it?"

"You seem to be doing alright so far."

Johanna kicked a rock and watched it bounce down the sidewalk. "I'm sorry."

"Would you quit saying that!" Kate exclaimed in exasperation.

She opened her mouth to apologize but quickly shut it before the words slipped out. She tried to think of an alternative version that wouldn't earn her the ire of her child. "I'm remorseful for the turn our run has taken."

Kate lowered her head. "I can't stand it."

"I'm going home."

"Stop," she demanded as her mother turned.

"Now what?"

She breathed deeply and then approached her mother, wrapping her arms around her in a tight hug. "I don't hate you. You're not a burden to me, you don't embarrass me; I didn't lose the mother lottery. I'm sorry. Every time I start out with good intentions I only seem to end up hurting you more. I'm not better off without you…and I don't ever want you to say that again. I love you…and I know things are hard right now and sometimes I'm stupid and that you probably don't believe me half the time, but I hope one day you will know it and believe it like you used to. I'll try to do better, okay."

Johanna's arms tightened around her and her head dropped to her daughter's shoulder for a moment as she struggled to hold back the tears. She couldn't cry now; not while they were outside. She swallowed hard and managed to push the feeling back. "You're not stupid."

"I feel stupid sometimes," she admitted.

"Me too."

"Genetics at play again I guess," Kate quipped.

"I guess so," Johanna agreed as she released her.

They were quiet for a moment, unsure of what to say or do in the aftermath of their conversation.

"I am sorry," Kate finally uttered.

"About what?"

"About the other day…I should've told you what was going on. I put you in a bad position. By letting you out of the loop, I inadvertently made it seem like I was proving the rumors true that we're estranged and that only makes things worse for us…especially you."

Johanna gave a nod of acceptance as she walked to the stone wall and sat down. "I don't blame you for not wanting to deal with me," she replied. "I know that I'm overly emotional…I always have been but I used to hide it better. I've always had a temper. Mama always said I came out of the womb in a rage, fists waving and screaming my head off. You were born the same way; expressing your rage about being pushed into the world. It seems to be our nature. I'm sorry if I overreacted. I didn't mean to…I try very hard to keep from inflicting my feelings on you…but I just couldn't keep it shoved down that day. I wanted to bury those feelings but they just wouldn't go away."

Kate sat down next to her on the wall. "You don't need to be sorry; you didn't do anything wrong. You're allowed to get mad, Mom. You can get mad at me or Dad or anyone who upsets you…your right to your feelings hasn't been stripped from you because of this situation. You never shied away from getting mad before and you don't need to now. I did something wrong and it caused you embarrassment; you're allowed to be angry with me over that. It's not the first time you've been mad at me…it's not even the first time since you've been back. You were mad at me on Dad's birthday, remember? I forgot to pick up the book you wanted to give him and we had a fight."

"That was different."

"How?"

"I was staying with you…I was basically your job. You didn't have the option of walking out and not coming back."

Kate looked at her. "Just because we fight sometimes doesn't mean that I'm going to walk away and not come back. I get why you worry about that and if I've made it seem like that could happen, I'm sorry. You're my mother; you're going to get mad at me when I do something that hurts you or something you don't like. I'm going to get mad at you…when you tell me things I don't want to hear and when you're so annoyingly right when I'm so sure you're wrong. It's just how it is…and we've been there before. I'm pretty sure there's a chapter in the mother-daughter handbook that covers this."

"Probably so," Johanna murmured.

She bit her lip, pondering how to broach the next part of the subject. "As for not wanting to deal with you…it's not really that. I don't blame you for being emotional…it just frustrates me sometimes but not in the way you think. I just…I never know what to do to make it better when you're upset. I know that when I was a kid that you tried not to let me see you break down too often and when I did see it…," she trailed off for a moment. "It's like after Grandma Naomi died and I'd walk into the office at home and you'd be sitting at the piano crying…I always felt so helpless. I didn't know how to fix what was wrong. Sometimes I still feel like a helpless fourteen year old when you cry and it makes me angry when I feel that way."

Johanna nodded. "I understand that. I feel that way too sometimes. When you were a little girl I could fix all of your problems…and now I can't. It's hard to accept that I don't have that power anymore. I get angry too when I feel that helplessness."

Kate flicked a piece of lint off of her pants. "I can't promise you that we're not going to lash out at each other again because chances are good that we will. We're under a lot of pressure…and we're probably going to do things that make each other angry or at the very least, unhappy. But no matter how mad I get or how many days we go without calling each other, I'm still going to love you."

"I love you too."

"I know."

"You said you had other things you wanted to talk about," Johanna reminded her.

She drew in another deep breath; steeling herself for a possible bad reaction to her news. "I'm releasing a statement to the media."

Johanna's gaze met hers and held it. "When?"

"Friday evening."

"What's this statement going to be about?"

"Acknowledging the I.A. investigation and asking for people to respect our privacy…not that that's going to happen."

"Is that all?" her mother asked.

She hesitated but then confessed. "I'm also making it clear that what people think about our relationship isn't true. That yes, I kept something from you but it doesn't make us estranged."

"When did you decide to do this?"

"A few days ago. Castle helped me with it and sent it to his publicist but he's been making her sit on it until I made up my mind and notified you."

"Are you having second thoughts?"

"Constantly. But I figure it can't hurt…it might help somehow. I just didn't want to do it without talking to you first. Are you going to be okay with me doing this?"

"You're a grown woman, Katie; you don't have to ask my permission for the things you want to do."

"I know…but I don't want you to feel like I'm betraying you by breaking my silence this once."

She shook her head. "I don't think that. If this is what you feel is best for you, then I stand behind you."

"You're sure that it's not going to bother you?"

"It's not going to bother me," Johanna replied. "You have a right to speak your piece. I've never said that you had to keep quiet because I do. It's fine. What else did you want to tell me?"

"I'm going away for the weekend."

"Because of the statement?"

"No; because Castle wants to take me away for the weekend."

Her mother smiled. "That'll be nice for you; where are you going…if you don't mind me asking?"

"Of course I don't mind you asking; you're my mother, that's your job. We're going to some resort in the mountains. He hasn't told me much about it; I guess he wants it to be a little bit of a surprise."

Johanna reached for her hand and held it. "I hope you have a good time; you deserve it."

"I'm looking forward to it," she said with a smile.

"So things are going well with you and Rick?" Johanna asked. They hadn't talked much about the subject since Kate and Rick had had that fight.

"Yeah; things are great," she answered.

Her mother detected a small note in her tone that hinted that something was bothering her. "But?"

"But nothing. He's loving, attentive, comforting, supportive, fun, sweet…everything I could hope to want."

"But," Johanna repeated.

"But sometimes it bothers me that he's never had a problem poking into my life but when I try to poke into his, it feels like he shuts the door on me."

"How so?"

"I try to learn more about him; I try to ask about his family and his childhood and it's always like he doesn't want to talk about it or he tries to turn the conversation back to me or he makes some joke or something. I want to know him the way he knows me…but sometimes it doesn't feel like he wants me to."

"I see…I imagine that stings a little."

"It does," Kate confessed; "And I hate that it bothers me; I mean everything is great and he's good to me and I put him through a lot and I lied to him and…"

"And he had his own secret that he was keeping from you," her mother reminded her. "You weren't the only one hiding something."

"That's true; but still, I guess I feel like I shouldn't be bothered by something like that when he's done so much for me. But I thought now that we're together that he'd be more open to sharing things with me about himself…you know, the stuff that isn't related to being a best selling author. Isn't that supposed to be a part of a serious relationship?"

Johanna nodded. "Yes, it is a part of a serious relationship and I understand why that would bother you, you have every right to those feelings."

Now that she had opened up about the issue, she continued to pour out her feelings about it to her mother. "I just feel like I've shared a lot of personal things…I shared more with him than I have anyone, and that was even before you came home…and since you've been home I've shared even more, about me, about my family…things that are special to me, you know?"

"I know and I understand; he's gotten all of you but you haven't really gotten all of him."

"Yeah; and it's not like he gives me a specific reason of why he doesn't want to talk about it. I mean I know his childhood was different from mine; he didn't grow up with a father and when Martha traveled for work he usually had to go along…but I don't think he could've had some dark, horrendous childhood; not with the way he loves Martha and took her in when her husband ran off with her money, you know what I mean?"

"Yes; that's a good point," Johanna agreed. "They seem to have a pretty good relationship so it couldn't have been all bad."

"I know it probably wasn't always easy but he turned out pretty well so…something had to go right. He always sees everything as an adventure so I can't see traveling with Martha to be too awfully miserable for him; thinking about that makes me wonder if that's how he got his start with writing stories; did he have to make up stories in his head to amuse himself while they were on the road or while he was waiting on her to finish a rehearsal? Was something about those experiences what inspired him to be what he is now? If you think about it, his profession isn't really that far off Martha's, they kind of go hand in hand," Kate remarked.

"You're right," her mother replied. "An actress doesn't have lines to speak if a writer doesn't give them to her…and those are good questions, I can see why you'd want to know things like that. He knows what's molded you; you want to know what's molded him."

"Exactly…and I don't know what to do about it. It's not like I'm a nosy reporter trying to get the story of his past for an article. I'm the person who loves him and I want to know all I can know about him."

"Just keep trying, Katie. Keep putting in the effort and showing him that you want to know his story, that it's important to you. I think he'll open up eventually. Just keep nudging him."

"Did you ever have this problem with Dad…or him with you…although I can't imagine he'd have it with you?"

Johanna thought for a moment. "No not really; but that's not saying that we were totally open with each other from the moment we became friends. I guess I didn't really start opening up a lot until Colleen got engaged and that was about a year after we met. I'd say something once in awhile but by that one year point I started to give more. In your father's case, I think that he really started to share everything with me when your grandfather had a heart attack. We were just friends then but I was there for him and he needed to talk to keep his mind occupied and so that he could get things off his chest so he started saying more about his family than he usually did…and after that, there wasn't any going back. We just started sharing more and more. By the time we got together, I'd already met his family and he'd met mine except for my father. Some people open up easier than others…you know that."

"I know," her daughter replied. "I just thought I was the difficult one for that."

Johanna smiled; "I guess he surprised you. Just keep trying, Katie; he'll open up if you keep making an effort. Maybe he's not used to people doing that…you just have to make him comfortable enough. You two are going away this weekend; you won't have work or anything like that in the way, so start a conversation, see what happens. Have you gotten anything out of him before when you tried?"

"Some things but you could tell he didn't really want to discuss it."

"He'll come around," she assured. "Don't give up."

"I won't," Kate smiled.

"Is there anything else bugging you?"

"Yeah," she laughed; "And it's stupid."

Johanna nudged her. "Tell me anyway, that's what I'm here for."

"I worry about boring him," she confessed; her gaze dropping to her black and purple running shoes.

Johanna gave a soft laugh. "Honey; we all worry about that."

"I know…we talk about everything, well almost everything but sometimes I feel like I don't know what to say and it worries me."

"Sometimes you don't have to say anything; that's the nice thing about a relationship."

"Yeah but when there's not a reason for the silence I tend to panic a little in my brain…like there's this little voice that pops up sometimes and says 'you're not keeping him interested'."

Johanna laughed. "Sweetheart; quit reading relationship articles in magazines, they're not helping you."

"You can't ever tell anyone that I do read them…I have a reputation to maintain," she laughed.

"Your secret is safe…I'm guilty of reading them myself at times and then I have to spend ten minutes un-programming myself from that quick action brainwash. Those articles by so called experts, they make you fear every silence and every argument; they try to tell you that your body language is indicating that you're not showing interest or that he's lost interest or whatever other stupid garbage they come up with…and that's what it is, garbage…fun garbage at times, but garbage just the same. There's nothing wrong with silence; a comfortable silence should put you at ease, it means there's no need for words and you're fine just being together. Don't be afraid to fight sometimes, it's a good pressure valve and can lead to other good things as I've told you before…."

"I remember," Kate smiled.

"Don't worry about the times when his attention seems easily swayed by a shiny gadget or a sporting event…that's just their nature, they always come back. Not everything is a sign of a doomed relationship, despite what the magazines and talk shows like to say. Put in the work and everything will be fine. Talk when you need to, yell when you need to…and curl up and enjoy those silences when you can; you'll find they can be just as meaningful as an hour long conversation."

Kate leaned into her for a moment in a makeshift embrace. "Thanks."

"No problem."

"Maybe you should write those relationship advice articles," she told her with a teasing grin.

"I don't know about that," Johanna laughed. "Did Rick get my email?"

"Oh yes, he got it and read it aloud for me and Alexis."

"I didn't upset him, did I?"

"No," she assured. "You picked the scene he was hoping you would. He thoroughly enjoyed your opinions…he said you might have a career in that field."

"Others might not find me as amusing," Johanna quipped. "Is there anything else you need to tell me? I guess I got us off topic."

"No; I think I covered everything…but are you going to be alright with us being away when this statement comes out? Because we're leaving before his publicist releases it."

"To be honest, Katie; your father and I aren't going to be in town either so that's probably the best time for you to do this."

Surprise flicked across her features. "Where are you going?"

"Your father's taking me somewhere for the weekend; he won't tell me where, he says it's a surprise. All I know is that we're leaving the city but not the state."

Kate smiled. "That will be good for you, Mom. I'm sure he's going to take you somewhere nice…knowing him, probably somewhere the two of you went before I was born that's special to you."

"I've thought that too," Johanna admitted; a spark of excitement in her eyes. "But I can't figure out what it might be. A lot of our special out of town places are out of state."

"I'm sure whatever it is that you'll like it."

She nodded. "I always like wherever our adventures take us."

"I hope you have a good time," Kate told her sincerely as she squeezed her hand. "You deserve it too, you know?"

Johanna smiled. "I kind of hate to be away from home but I'm also looking forward to it."

"You'll be okay," she assured. "Dad will be there with you and home will be here waiting for you to get back. Try and relax and have a good time, okay?"

"I have to, when we were discussing it again this morning, my husband demanded that I relax and enjoy it."

Kate laughed. "He has spoken."

"Yes; and once in awhile I have to obey him to make him feel special," she said with a laugh and a teasing gleam in her eyes.

"Knowing him, he might prefer you to pinch him instead."

"Don't give him any ideas," Johanna replied. "He has plenty of his own."

"And now we change the subject," Kate stated.

Johanna smiled. "Good idea…we don't want the cringing topics and we got through the difficult ones."

Kate squeezed her hand. "Yeah we did…we did pretty good."

"Yes we did," she agreed with a nod. Things had gone much smoother than Johanna had anticipated and she was grateful for that.

* * *

"Let's just walk," Kate suggested once they were ready to continue a few minutes later. "We're both in pretty good shape; I think we had enough of a work out."

"Do you want to walk back to the house or do you want to go further?" Johanna asked.

"Let's go further," she replied.

Johanna fell into step with her, silence between them. She forced herself not to observe her surroundings too closely; they seemed to have a truce again and she didn't want to jeopardize it.

"You said that when you and Dad got together, he had met everyone but Grandpa," Kate commented; thinking that she could keep things on solid ground if she stuck to less stressful topics.

"That's right."

"When did he meet Grandpa?"

"About two weeks after we got engaged."

Kate looked at her in surprise. "How did you manage that?"

"It wasn't easy," she admitted. "But I hear that it took awhile for you to introduce Rick to your father…why was that?"

She shrugged. "It just never came up. We were still just friends when Dad met him. Why didn't you want Grandpa to meet Dad?"

"Because I was afraid that he'd scare your father off somehow. I love him so much…and I just didn't want anything to come between us. It sounds stupid but I thought if I kept him from my father, then Dad wouldn't know just how deeply I cared about Jim. I was afraid that if he knew him, he'd become the new soft spot for my father to hit. I was afraid that he'd treat him badly just because he was the man I love."

"You really thought he'd do that?"

Johanna gave a small nod. "Your grandfather was a different person with his grandchildren. He kept that abrasive nature from you. He was so open and loving with you…far more than he was with me. Times when he hugged me and was kind and loving, well they were far and few between. Sometimes we'd have these good periods where things would be fine between us…I'd start to think the tide was turning…and then he'd slam the door in my face as hard as he could. Then things would be bad for a good while. When I had you, we settled into a quiet truce of sorts…we kept you shielded from our discord."

Kate was surprised that she had somehow managed to pry that information out of her mother. Usually the topic of her relationship with Frank McKenzie was a closed book; one she wasn't willing to open. "It was like that all your life?" she asked hesitantly.

"Yes," her mother replied softly. "I'm not saying there aren't good memories, there are; they're just hard to recall sometimes in the midst of the bad ones."

"And it was all because you look like your grandmother?"

"Apparently so."

"Was it worse in your childhood or when you were an adult?"

Johanna breathed deeply and released the weighted breath. "I don't know; I really never thought about it before. I just always remember knowing where I stood. I was six when I knew for sure that I wasn't the apple of his eye."

"What happened when you were six?" Kate asked.

"He had to walk me to school because your grandmother and Frankie were sick. He wouldn't hold my hand…even Frankie held my hand when we crossed the street; but my father shook me off. He said that I was a big girl and didn't need anyone holding my hand; that I needed to act like a little lady. I still remember thinking to myself that he really didn't like me; it was like there was no longer any doubt about it. Once we crossed the street I told him I'd go the rest of the way alone…and I did. I walked by myself for the rest of the week…and I stopped calling him Daddy."

Kate swallowed a lump in her throat; it hurt to think about her mother receiving that treatment as a child. It was a far cry from her own childhood; Jim Beckett would've held her hand at 16 if she had asked or would've let him. In fact, she was certain that he'd probably hold it now if she wanted him to. "I…I don't think I stopped saying Daddy until I was about ten," she remarked.

Johanna nodded. "That's about the time you stopped saying mommy too. Although when you wanted to wheedle in your teenage years, you'd occasionally slip in a 'daddy' and he'd hand you another ten dollars."

She grinned. "I look at that not as a way to get extra money but as making my father happy by reminding him that I'm his little girl."

"Uh huh, I know a snow job when I hear it."

Kate laughed softly and decided to get the topic back on course as she was still curious about the meeting of her father and grandfather. "So how did it go when Dad and Grandpa met for the first time? Was he hard on him? They seemed to get along okay as far as I remember."

"Your grandfather did a full interrogation during that first dinner…which was the longest dinner of my life."

"I'm sure Dad held his own, he doesn't scare that easily."

"He wasn't worried at all," Johanna replied. "I, on the other hand, wanted to throw up. I dreaded that night all week. At first I was glad that Mom had banned Frankie and Colleen from attending…but the closer it got the more I wished they had been invited."

"Maybe she thought it would be less pressure for you."

"I suppose so…but nothing could take the pressure off that night. I was so happy when it was over that I could've cried," Johanna laughed.

Her daughter laughed with her. "Could've been worse; it could've been a holiday meal."

"Oh I had that experience too…the first meal I shared with your father's parents was at Thanksgiving."

"No pressure there," Kate quipped.

"Yeah…and he told Elizabeth that I was allergic to pecans…and so she put them in everything that she could…and didn't say a word about it. I had already eaten half of what I had been served by the time Grandma Lilly mentioned it."

"Oh my God! You never told me that!"

Johanna smiled as she glanced at her. "Well I couldn't exactly tell you when you were a kid that your grandmother did something so underhanded. We're all just lucky that it's only a mild allergy…otherwise you wouldn't be here and your father would be in prison for killing his mother."

"It's kind of odd that you can eat any other kind of nut but not pecans," Kate remarked.

"I know; but my mother was the same way and so is Frankie. Your great grandmother had the same issue."

"I can't believe Grandma Beckett did that…I bet Grandpa was mad."

"Furious," Johanna remarked; "And so was Jim. I left after that little bombshell went off. I only had a few bites but I knew I was going to break out in hives and I didn't need that humiliation."

Kate shook her head. "We're a screwed up family."

"Don't I know it?"

"Were you engaged when that happened or just dating?" Kate asked.

"Dating; but we actually got engaged the next weekend."

"Really? I don't think I ever knew that you got engaged during the holiday season so to speak. I know you told me about when he proposed; that it was in a little park while it was snowing."

Johanna smiled warmly at the memory. "It was the perfect moment...it was December 3rd; it was a Friday night."

"You remember all the details, huh?"

She glanced at her daughter in amusement. "You never forget the moment when the man you love proposes to you. You remember everything; the date, the place, what he said, what he did. I remember the cold stinging my face, along with the snow from our impromptu snowball battle," she said with a soft laugh as the memory swept across her mind. "I remember that I wasn't sure I heard him right when he first said 'marry me'…and I remember how my heart pounded when he said that he just wanted me…and I remember how upset he was when he realized that he had proposed without the ring."

Kate laughed. "I bet that just drove him crazy."

"Oh yeah; he'd been searching for the perfect moment for a week…and then it came and the ring was back in his apartment. But I didn't care. It didn't ruin the moment for me at all."

Kate slipped her hand into her mother's; a part of her mind still thinking about what she had learned about her grandfather. Maybe they both still needed a hand to hold once in awhile…maybe there were times when they needed to hold each other's. After all; that had been the contact they had started off with back when the ice had begun to thaw. She shouldn't have stopped holding her hand.

"What are you thinking about?" Johanna asked.

A white lie sprung to her lips. "How happy you must've looked the night Dad asked you to marry him."

A smile graced her mother's face. "Rumor has it that I was still giddy a week later."

"When haven't you been giddy over him?" her daughter teased.

"That's a good question," Johanna said with a laugh. "But I know a few moments when I wanted to slap him more than kiss him."

Kate nodded. "I don't doubt that at all…we've all been there."

Her mother smiled. "That's true…and somehow it always ends up being worth it despite what we have to go through."

"At least we hope so," he daughter quipped.

"It is," Johanna assured. "It doesn't always feel that way but it is."

* * *

Time passed without much notice as they continued walking, not giving much thought to the distance they had walked until the Beckett family home loomed in front of them. "I don't come by this way much," Kate commented. "It's sad to think that Grandpa and Grandma Beckett aren't in there."

"I know," Johanna murmured as they stood on the sidewalk in front of the house. "I wish they were there too but they're always with you, Katie."

"I know they are," she replied. "I worked a case once where the victim was a magician. Castle and I found his work shop so to speak. It was loaded with everything imaginable for a magician. Grandpa would've loved it. It made me remember how he always did tricks for us kids on the holidays."

"I remember," her mother said with a soft laugh. "He did love his magic tricks."

"It made me miss him so much," Kate replied softly.

Johanna took her hand. "I miss him too. Sometimes I even miss Elizabeth."

"Even though she tried to poison you with pecans?"

Johanna nodded. "Yeah; it's odd but true…and she was good for a fight. We did have some good times though. She let up on me some while I was pregnant with you. She even gave me a gift for mother's day that year; I wasn't even out of the first trimester yet."

'What did she give you?"

"A sleeper. It was white with a little teddy bear embroidered on one side of the chest. It was so tiny…and made it all feel so real. I have pictures of you wearing it…I still have it in the box of baby clothes I kept."

Kate smiled. "I remember when Dad somehow shanghaied you into taking me and going to Pennsylvania with Grandma that one time…I think I was four. We went to her sister Theresa's…God she was scary."

"I remember it well," Johanna remarked. "Theresa didn't believe in turning the heat up; we were half frozen."

"Yeah; and she made the three of us share a room. I had to sleep between you and Grandma, not that I slept much, it was too cold."

Her mother nodded and gave her a smile. "Don't forget Bunny…your bunny was in there with us too."

She laughed, remembering her pink stuffed bunny that she had slept with and carried around as a child. "We can't forget Bunny."

"Definitely not; Bunny was an important member of the family. I think I always checked about ten times to make sure it didn't get left behind somewhere, and the one time it did, thankfully it was here at your grandmother's."

"You kept Bunny, didn't you?" Kate asked; trying hard to pretend that it wouldn't matter if she hadn't.

Johanna smiled. "Of course I kept Bunny. It's wrapped up and put away…I could never part with that. My father brought that back from a business trip for you when you were a year old. He even brought it to the house himself and when you saw it, it was love at first sight…and one day, when you're ready and you decide to give me a grandchild, I'm going to have that bunny cleaned and I'm going to pass it on to your baby…that is if you're willing to share it."

The thought warmed her inside. "I think that sounds perfect," she said softly. "It would be nice to see my child play with something I loved so much."

She gave Kate's hand a squeeze and then released it and tucked her hands into the pockets of her jacket. "That trip to Pennsylvania was…" she trailed off with a short laugh. "Well it was interesting to say the least…and Lizzie and I got along better than I thought we would. I'll never forget how relieved I was that night when were all crowded into that bed together when she looked at me and said 'get Katie ready we're getting the hell out of here.'"

Kate laughed; "It was the middle of the night, wasn't it? Or does it just seem that way because I was little?"

She shook her head. "No; we were beating on Aunt Vivien's door at 2:30 in the morning. When she answered, she looked at Elizabeth and said 'what took you so long?'"

"Why were we even there? I don't remember the reason."

"Vivien and Theresa had decided it was time to clean out your great grandfather's house and sell it, so Elizabeth had to go down there and do her share and get what she wanted. She didn't want to go by herself…and everyone was conveniently busy that weekend."

"Did you punish Dad for 'volunteering' you?"

Johanna glanced at her. "Oh yes, he was punished."

Kate nodded; an amused smile or lips. "Did he ever volunteer you again?"

"Not without my permission; there are some lessons he only needs to learn once."

Kate turned her gaze back to the house. "I'm still surprised that Aunt Madelyn moved in here."

Johanna surveyed the property. "I can't believe she ripped out your grandmother's lilac bush. Elizabeth planted that and babied it…I'm sure she rolled in her grave the day it was tore out. It was so beautiful. If there was one thing your grandmother was good at, it was growing things. She loved her roses, but she loved those lilacs too."

"I know; she always cut some for us to take home in the summer for in the house. They smelled so good."

"I'm glad to see that she hasn't replaced the door," Johanna remarked. "Your grandfather had that beveled glass rose window specially made for that door; it was a gift to Elizabeth for their anniversary."

"Grandma would probably haunt her if she touched that."

"She's probably haunting her over that bush."

Just then the door opened and Madelyn Beckett Taylor stepped onto the porch, her features hard and a frown on her lips. "Katie, if you want to come in and visit, you're more than welcome to, but she," she said, stabbing a finger in Johanna's direction; "Isn't welcome in my home or on my property."

Kate felt Johanna stiffen at her side. "We had no intentions of visiting," she told her aunt. "We were just walking by and stopped to remember Grandma and Grandpa."

"The remark stands," Madelyn retorted. "You may come in if you wish; but she's not. I don't care that she's married to my brother and I don't care that she's your mother. She will never put foot in my house."

"I never said I wanted to come into your house," Johanna remarked.

"Good; because you're not. If Jimmy wants to spend his life with the likes of you after what you did to him, that's his business but I don't have to approve; and if he wants to disown me for it, he's more than welcome to, I don't give a damn. I have three other brothers; it's no skin off my nose."

"Is that right?" Johanna asked. "Well then maybe you should call one of your other brothers the next time something breaks that you need fixed."

"Maybe I will," she said stiffly. "I don't need any more of his lectures about forgiveness and understanding. I'll never understand how you could do to him what you did and then have your nerve to come crawling back and he just lets you swoop right in like nothing ever happened. Well I don't forget. I despise you and in my mind you were better off being…"

"Don't finish that statement," Kate said tartly; "Or I swear to God, I'll forget that you're my aunt and I'll come up on that porch."

Madelyn's lips pursed as she fell silent. "Are you coming in, Katie?"

"No; I don't go anywhere where my mother isn't welcome and where someone speaks so lowly of my father and his decisions."

"Then get off my property."

"We're not on your property," Johanna retorted. "You don't own the public sidewalk."

Madelyn glared at her and then turned with a huff and went back in the house, slamming the door behind her so hard that Johanna was surprised that the glass didn't crack in the door. "It's nice to see that she's still a ray of sunshine," she commented.

"She's a bitch," Kate remarked. "Are you okay?"

Johanna nodded. "Yeah; I'm fine…your father thinks I can't fill in the blanks on what he told me about Madelyn's opinions but I can. I was never really close to her so it doesn't really hurt as much as others. It only bothers me that it will end up coming between her and Jim."

"Well to quote her, I don't think it's any skin off Dad's nose."

"Probably not," Johanna agreed although it still made her feel bad.

"Don't worry about it," Kate told her. "They've never been all that close anyway."

Johanna glanced at her watch. "We better be getting back; I need to get dinner started. We eat a little earlier on the weekends…without work keeping him away from the table, your father starts starving earlier."

"He always seems to be starving when you're cooking."

"That's true; if he ever wasn't, I'd worry."

Kate took a breath as they resumed walking. "So, what are we having for dinner?"

Her mother looked at her in surprise. "You're staying?"

She gave a nod. "If I'm invited."

"Of course you're invited; always. I'm going to make pasta with meat sauce and breadsticks and have a salad."

"Sounds good; am I in charge of the salad as usual?"

Johanna's eyes widened. "You're going to help me?"

"Yeah; I always have…I know I didn't much when you were staying with me but that was because you usually had dinner ready when I got home from work."

Working in the kitchen with her daughter sounded so wonderful and it brought a smile to her lips. "Yes, you're in charge of the salad."

"Good; that's the easy part," Kate quipped, nudging her mother playfully.

She laughed. "I wouldn't dream of overworking you; but listen…we don't need to mention that thing with Madelyn to your father. He worries about me enough."

"I won't say a word," Kate promised.

* * *

Jim was somewhat surprised that Kate didn't seem in any hurry to leave as he entered the kitchen quietly. He had heard them come in awhile before; their chatter and footsteps filling the house as they had headed upstairs first and then back down to the kitchen. It seemed as though things must've gone well. His daughter was standing at the counter slicing up vegetables to throw in the salad bowl that was already full of lettuce. His wife was at the stove, tending to the meat sauce she was making and keeping a watchful eye on the pasta noodles that were cooking on the back burner. He could smell the aroma of breadsticks baking in the oven, making him even hungrier than he was before.

He moved quietly, taking a seat at the table, content to watch and listen as his wife and daughter worked together. Their conversation was centered on the latest episode of Temptation Lane and they were both clearly incensed over the actions of one character. Jim smiled as Kate punctuated her feelings about the matter with an added zeal to her chopping; Johanna agreeing and adding her own two cents, gesturing with the spoon in her hand. This was better, he thought to himself. Things were peaceful, the ladies relaxed and at ease with one another. It was like old times. Apparently the run had done them good. It was just too bad that it was going to be turning cold and staying that way instead of having these random mild days thrown in on occasion. If the season were different, they could've made a run together a weekly date. Jim frowned, he couldn't control the weather…but maybe he could suggest it in the spring.

His gaze shifted to Johanna and focused upon her, watching as she grabbed another spoon from the drawer and dipped it into the sauce. She blew on it and tasted it, saying nothing as she dipped the spoon back into the sauce. She blew on it once more, touching it to her lip to test the temperature before holding out the spoon to Kate. "Taste test," she told her.

Kate took the bite offered her and swallowed. "It's good."

"It doesn't need anything?"

"I don't think so, do you?"

"No, but I like a second opinion to be sure. Go ahead and get the drinks and put the salad on the table. I'll get the breadsticks out of the oven and then serve the pasta," Johanna instructed.

Kate put the dressing on the salad and carried it to the table, setting it in the center before grabbing the empty glasses to fill. "You're joining us for dinner?" Jim commented.

She smirked at him. "Who did you think the third plate was for?"

He grinned. "Could be anyone; your mother might've decided to invite someone over."

"She did, she invited me," Kate quipped as she moved to the refrigerator. "Or rather, I invited myself and she agreed to it."

"Well, in that case, I suppose you'll do as an acceptable dinner guest," her father replied lightly.

"I'm the best guest you could hope for."

Jim smiled as Johanna put the plate of breadsticks on the table. "Who told her she was the best guest?" he asked.

"Probably you," Johanna remarked without missing a beat. "All those talks you gave her while she was in the womb probably filled her head."

"That's exactly what it was," Kate replied as sat their drinks on the table.

"Like you remember being in the womb," Jim retorted.

"I don't have to; Mom has filled me in on all the details…some of which I didn't want to know."

"Like what?" he asked as Johanna filled their plates.

"Like how I was conceived in a hotel room in Pennsylvania because you can't follow directions," Kate replied.

Jim was quiet for a moment as he picked up his fork. "I'm sure she left out the part about that being her fault. She let me take the wrong turn on purpose."

"I did not," Johanna stated. "If you had been paying attention you would've known what you were doing."

Jim glanced at Kate. "I'm sure she's the one who distracted me. You know how she is in the car, she has to fiddle with the radio, talk, give commentary on the scenery and read all the license plates to see how many states are represented on the road."

Johanna broke a breadstick in half. "I didn't distract you…in fact I recall that you had told me to shut up about 10 miles before you got us lost."

He shook his head. "I didn't tell you to shut up. I just told you that none of us were thrilled about going to that reunion but there was no sense in going on and on about it."

Kate glanced at him. "That does translate into shut up."

"See, I told you so," Johanna remarked.

"It only translates into shut up if that's what you want to tell yourself to hear," he replied. "I know how you women are; you have your own language code that takes us half of our lives to learn. Like when you say 'it's fine'…it's never fine."

Amusement gleamed in Kate's eyes as she looked at her mother. "He's on to our secret ways, Mom; what are we going to do?"

"Just what the handbook says," she replied. "Rewrite the code…that'll teach him."

"I've already been taught plenty," Jim remarked; "And just for the record, I want it noted that it was a five star hotel and the champagne was expensive."

"That's good to know," Kate said somewhat sarcastically. "If it had been one of those no tell motels I would've felt like a cheap product of your love affair."

"Your mother wouldn't let me take her somewhere like that…unless it was a lunch break."

Kate spit her drink back into her glass to keep from choking as Johanna smacked Jim across his forehead with a breadstick. "Liar!" she exclaimed. "We never went to those places."

"Are you sure about that?" he laughed.

"Yes! You must have me confused with one of your other girlfriends."

"Dad," Kate laughed; "If I was you, I'd stop that conversation now, it can't end well."

"You're right," he replied. "This feels like a possible trap…she's good at traps."

Johanna's brow rose, humor in her gaze. "Just what are you implying?"

"Don't answer that," Kate instructed. "It could get ugly."

"Are you acting as his attorney?" her mother asked.

"Nope; I'm not licensed for that. I'm just offering the wise advice of a daughter…so he doesn't have to come move in with me."

Jim laughed. "That was touching until the end."

"It's nothing personal," she replied. "You know you like it better here with your personal chef, maid, household manager, and whatever else you want to classify her as."

"That's true."

"Have you ever thought about going back to school?" Johanna asked as she reached for her glass.

Kate gave her a puzzled look. "What do you mean go back to school?"

"To get your law degree."

She laughed. "Mom, I think I'm a little old to be going to law school."

"You're never too old if it's something you want. You could still have a good career in that field, you're young enough."

She shook her head. "I don't want it. I'm happy with the job I have…and I think we both know from experience that being a lawyer isn't any safer than being a cop."

The bite of salad Johanna had taken turned to saw dust in her mouth and she forced herself to swallow. "No I suppose it isn't."

"I have a degree," Kate reminded her.

"I know, you showed me," she replied. She was very proud of her daughter's degree in criminal justice and she was proud of the job she did every day. She hadn't meant to imply that there was anything wrong with the job she had…but as usual, she had stuck her foot in her mouth…again. "I wasn't trying to get you out of the job you have. You're very good at it and I'm proud. I just…I just wanted to point out that if it was still a dream it could be achieved."

"It's not a dream anymore. That's over and done with."

Johanna gave a tight lipped smile, a small measure of tension filling her body as she pushed her pasta around on her plate. She was the reason that dream was over…and she was also a lost cause when it came to keeping things on solid ground. She always said the wrong thing and apparently Jim wasn't going to jump in and help smooth things over. It had been going so nicely and now she had rocked the boat again. Damn.

The scrape of forks filled the air and Kate could feel her mother's unease settling in. She had somehow given the impression that she was offended by the comments that her mother had made, but she wasn't. Following in her footsteps and becoming a lawyer had been her dream but dreams change. She thought back to that memory she had recalled the night before. Part of her punishment had been working in her mother's office…but in the end she hadn't viewed it as a punishment at all. It had been mostly busy work but she had enjoyed it, loved being there and watching everything that went on. When her punishment had ended, she asked if she could continue working with her. She ended up being hired on for two days a week, three when things were busier than usual. She worked primarily for her mother but she had also been frequently 'borrowed' by the other lawyers of the firm when they needed an extra hand. It had been good for her, Kate mused. It had kept her out of trouble and gave her extra money. It had also shown her that it was the path she wanted to follow…and she had wanted to follow that path right down to that same small law firm with her own law degree and set up shop in the office next to her mother's.

"You didn't offend me," Kate said softly as she caught Johanna's eye. "I am too old for law school now but even if I went, it still wouldn't be the exact dream. The dream was to work with you…to be in the office next to yours."

"That would've been nice," Johanna murmured. "I'm sorry it didn't turn out that way."

"It's okay," she replied. "It just wasn't meant to be that way…but what matters is that we're together again which is how it's supposed to be."

Johanna nodded. "We did get to work together for a little while…and that was so nice. I loved having you in the office with me, Katie."

"I like it too. I liked watching you and learning…and you were a nice boss," she smiled.

"You know," Jim spoke up; "I'm a lawyer too; you could've hung around my office, you could've worked with me."

Kate laughed. "I wasn't working for someone who had brochures of convents and boarding schools."

His head snapped up. "Who told you about my brochures?"

"I can't reveal my source."

Jim's gaze flicked to Johanna. "Snitch."

Johanna laughed. "I had to tell her so she'd know you were serious…I also had to get her back on the straight and narrow before you got home from your business trip."

"I can't believe you actually had brochures," Kate said as she picked up a forkful of pasta. "How could you think of sending me away? I'm your only child."

"Sometimes you made it really easy to think about," he remarked. "I wasn't really going to send you away…but sometimes it was nice to lock myself in the office and take out those brochures and pretend. I'd read them all and pick you out a nice one. My favorite was this one in a remote part of Switzerland; all girls, ugliest uniform you've ever seen and ran by some angry looking nuns. That one always made me smile."

Kate narrowed her eyes at him. "You should be ashamed of yourself; fantasizing about sending your daughter to a foreign country where she knew no one and would be tormented by nuns."

Jim smiled. "You weren't always alone…sometimes I sent your mother with you in those fantasies."

"Excuse me?" Johanna spoke up. "You were going to ship me off with her?"

"Only some of the time."

"Why?"

"I'm invoking my fifth amendment rights," he laughed.

"Maybe I'll invoke my right to sentence you to a night on the couch."

He shook his head. "You'd get cold and lonely…you'd invite me back upstairs."

"Don't even start down that road," Kate warned them. "I don't want to hear it."

"Maybe you should tell your father your news," Johanna suggested.

Jim sighed. "Good news or bad news?"

"I'm not sure how you'd classify it," she replied.

"Does it involve a shotgun wedding and a pregnancy?"

"No!" Kate exclaimed. "Why would you even think that?"

Jim shrugged. "Accidents happen."

"It's nothing like that," she remarked; her cheeks warming slightly.

"Well then, let's get it over with…I suddenly feel like I should be eating steak."

Johanna smirked at him. "We don't have any steaks."

"That explains it," he replied. "Come on, Katie; let's hear it."

"I'm releasing a statement to the media Friday evening," she told him.

Jim said nothing as he used a piece of a breadstick to sop up some of the sauce on his plate while Kate tried not to squirm. Her father was so good at being unreadable when it suited him. It was one of the things that had made him a success in the courtroom. Sometimes you just didn't know what he was thinking or how he'd react…you just had to wait it out…and that was a wait she had always hated.

"What are you saying in this statement?" he asked; his tone betraying nothing.

Kate explained what the statement would detail and then picked up her glass of soda and sipped it, waiting for his next response.

Jim flicked his gaze toward his wife, studying her intently to gauge how she was feeling about the matter. She seemed relaxed and he didn't see any signs of distress or worry in her eyes. Feeling that she was at ease with the decision that their daughter had made, he gave his attention back to Kate. "What time on Friday will you be releasing it?"

"The exact time it will be released is hard to pinpoint at the moment," Kate answered. "Castle and I are going out of town for the weekend; we're leaving when I get off work. He's going to tell his publicist to wait until we're out of the city before she releases it so I'm guessing she might wait until around seven to give us a good head start."

He nodded. "I'm glad you'll be away when it comes out so they can't hound you all weekend."

She shifted in her seat, still unsure of what he really thought of the idea. "Mom said you're going to be away for the weekend too…what time are you leaving? I want to make sure the two of you are well on your way before the statement is released."

"I'm not working Friday so I'm aiming for us to be on the road by eleven that morning. Is that alright with you, Jo?"

"Yes; I'll do the packing while you're at work on Thursday."

"Your timeframe will be fine, Katie," Jim remarked. "By the time you head out we'll already be where we're going."

"Good," she replied, feeling a small sense of relief. "I'm glad it worked out this way…I worried about it all falling onto the two of you with me being away."

"We could've handled it," her father replied. "But you don't need to worry; they're not going to find us."

Kate nodded and managed a small smile. "That should tick them off. The whereabouts of the Becketts will probably fill up a few columns."

"It's probably about time we get a step ahead of them," Johanna said quietly. "We'll see how they like surprises."

"I'm just hoping it will bring us a little reprieve," Kate commented; "Even if I do think it's unlikely."

"There's nothing wrong with hoping," Jim remarked.

Johanna's gaze slid toward her husband. "She's waiting on you to tell her that you're fine with it and that you're not upset with her for breaking her silence."

"Why would I be upset?"

"You get a little touchy once in awhile," Johanna replied with a hint of a smile. "And you did just confess to fantasizing about sending her away to boarding school when she was a teenager."

He sighed. "I'm not upset with your decision, Katie. I told you before that you had the choice to talk to them if you wanted, that it wouldn't make any difference to us."

"That doesn't mean I don't want to be sure," his daughter replied. "I don't want to do something that's going to upset you."

"We're fine," he stated. "We support and respect your decisions. It may help in a small way or it might not and either way it won't be a magic cure all, but if it makes you feel better than it's the right thing for you to do."

She released a breath. "Okay then."

"Is this all the news you two had to spring on me or should I continue to worry?" Jim asked.

Johanna patted his hand. "That's all for today, dear. Finish your dinner."

"What's for dessert?" he asked.

"We didn't make any," Kate quipped. "We didn't think you'd mind."

He looked to his wife. "There's always dessert on Sunday…you wouldn't disappoint me like that, would you? I could've sworn something was being baked this morning."

Johanna laughed softly. "There's cake, honey. Chocolate cake with peanut butter icing."

"Oh my God," Kate said. "All you told me was that it was cake; you didn't tell me it was the chocolate with peanut butter icing! Where did you hide it? I would've already had a piece if I had seen it."

"I know," her mother replied; "That's why I whisked it away to the dining room while you were upstairs."

"And who said you could have any anyway?" Jim asked as he shot his daughter a teasing look. "I don't think you've been behaved well enough for dessert privileges."

"My mother won't let you deprive me of cake," she replied. "Isn't that right, Mom?"

She nodded. "Of course I won't let him deprive you; my baby always gets cake."

Kate smirked at her father. "I told you so."

He shook his head at her. "You get more like your mother every day."

"You've been saying that since I was born."

"The statement stands," he replied.

Kate laughed and glanced to her mother. "Do you still have Friday's episode of Temptation Lane on the DVR? I want to see that part you were telling me about that I missed. That must've been on when Lanie called me."

"Yeah, I still have it…do you want to watch it after I get the kitchen cleaned up?"

She nodded. "Yeah if you don't mind the repeat."

"Have I ever?" Johanna asked.

"No," she laughed; "And I'll help you clean up so we can get to it faster."

"Sounds good to me," her mother smiled.

* * *

Later after dessert had been eaten and the kitchen was put back to rights, Jim settled into his chair with the newspaper and his cup of coffee on the stand. He watched subtly as Johanna and Kate settled in on the sofa, the episode of Temptation Lane filling the TV screen a few moments afterwards. Their chatter continued as the episode began, their opinions picking up from their earlier conversation and he smiled behind his newspaper. They were at ease again and he could see and feel how happy Johanna was to have some time with their daughter. It felt good to be there together as a family again. He only hoped for Johanna's sake that it would happen more often.

After they had watched the episode of Temptation Lane and chatted some more, Kate pushed herself off the sofa and announced that she better be going.

"Let me get you some of the cake to take home," Johanna said as she rose from the sofa. "It'll only take me a minute."

"That's fine," Kate told her.

Jim got up from his chair and moved toward his daughter, pulling her into a hug when he reached her. "I'm glad you stayed for awhile," he told her.

She nodded as she held on to him for a moment, soaking up the security and familiarity of her father's hugs. "It was nice," she murmured.

He pulled back from her, looking her in the eye. "You made her happy," he said quietly.

"I'm glad."

"Are you happy?" he asked.

Her brow furrowed in puzzlement. "What?"

"Did it make you happy to be here?"

She got it then; he wanted to know that she hadn't just stayed to humor him in regard to their conversation earlier…and that she hadn't stuck around just to assuage her own guilt. "Yeah, I'm happy to be here…this is home, it'll always be home no matter what. I was perfectly content to spend today with the two of you, if I hadn't been, I wouldn't have stayed."

Jim pressed a kiss against her forehead. "You're a good daughter, Princess."

A soft scoff crossed her lips. "When I remember to be one."

Her father rubbed her arm. "You've always been a good daughter; your heart is always in the right place no matter what your mind convinces you of. We all struggle with balance sometimes, it's okay."

Kate gave him a soft smile. "You're a good Dad."

Jim grinned at her. "I know; I'm the best."

She rolled her eyes. "I hope Mom hits you with another breadstick, you deserve it."

"What did he do?" Johanna asked as she stepped into the room.

"Your husband is conceited," Kate answered.

"Oh I know," her mother replied. "He's had that affliction since I met him. What's his conceit about tonight?"

"I told him he was a good dad and he had to go and say that he knows he's the best. You just can't compliment him."

"That's not true," Jim replied. "I accept all compliments and provide ways to expound upon them in the future."

"Your father likes to have his ego built up every once in awhile," Johanna remarked.

"I thought ego building was your department," Kate replied.

"Sometimes he likes a second opinion."

Jim patted her back. "Don't worry; you'll do better next time."

"I'm taking my cake and going home and leaving him to you," Kate remarked as she moved away from Jim and headed for her mother.

"I like being left with her," Jim remarked. "You're not hurting my feelings."

"Oh believe me, the thought never entered my mind that I was," she replied as she accepted the container Johanna had for her.

"I'll walk out with you, Katie," Johanna told her.

Kate nodded and glanced back at her father. "Goodnight, Dad. I love you."

"I love you too," he replied with a smile. "Be careful getting home."

"I will."

Johanna grabbed her jacket and slipped it on as Kate took her purse off the hook by the door. They made their way to the car, Kate opening the passenger door to set the container of cake inside before she turned back to her mother. "I was thinking," she said before trailing off. It was a thought she had been mulling over for days and yet she still felt the slightest bit unsure even though it was something she wanted to do…despite having more than one reason for it.

"Thinking about what?" Johanna asked.

"I was thinking that maybe when I got back and we make sure things are calm…that we could go shopping. I be need to find a dress for the book release party."

"It's late this year," her mother commented. "Usually it's in September."

"With everything that was going on over the summer, he asked for an extension."

"Did he have any trouble with that? I'd hate to think that we caused him grief with his work."

"No, it wasn't a problem. They had the Derrick Storm e-books to release so they stretched those out over the last few months. Pushing back the release of the next Nikki Heat means they can capitalize on the start of the holiday shopping season. Pre-order sales keep going up and the wait only seems to be amping up the anxiousness of his fans. From what I'm told, a November release date is very lucrative."

"I can understand that," Johanna replied with a sigh. "I can't believe the holiday shopping season is almost here. Having these warm days scattered in between the cooler ones makes it easy to forget."

"Yeah it does, but according to what I saw on the news this morning, it'll be staying cold now."

Johanna nodded but her thoughts were still on holidays. "What do you want for your birthday?"

"Nothing," she replied. "I have everything I need and I don't think we should worry about gifts this year for any occasion."

Johanna's gaze met hers. "Meaning what?"

"Meaning I don't need anything…and you don't need to be stressing about gift buying for a birthday and Christmas. I'm not a little kid. You're home now and we're doing better and that's gift enough for me. We don't need the added pressure."

"That's not going to fly," her mother replied with a shake of her head. "I haven't gotten to buy gifts in a long time and I intend to do so this year."

Kate shifted on her feet; she shouldn't have broached this line of conversation. Everything had been going smoothly and now it was going to fall apart. "Mom…just don't worry about it okay. There isn't anything that I want."

"Then I'll get you what I want you to have."

The words slipped from her mouth before she could stop them. "I won't accept it."

"Then I'll beat you with it and you'll wish you had," Johanna replied.

"Maybe we shouldn't discuss it right now," Kate suggested.

"Maybe not," her mother agreed. "I have a feeling I probably wouldn't hear from you for a few more days if we pursued that conversation further."

"It just seems like a lot right now," Kate murmured.

"I wasn't planning on a truck load of gifts for either occasion, Katie. But it doesn't matter right now…let's just forget we mentioned it."

She gave a nod. "So…"

"So what?"

"Do you want to go shopping with me?" Kate asked.

Johanna gave her a soft smile. "I appreciate the offer but I'm sure you'd probably rather go with Lanie."

"Why do you think that?"

She shrugged. "Because Lanie's your best friend and you'd have more fun with her. If I go with you, you'll be worrying the whole time."

"I was with you today and I didn't worry."

"We weren't among other people."

Kate eyed her. "I think you're the one who will worry."

Johanna nodded. "Endlessly."

"Why?"

"Because…"

"I was never allowed to get away with 'because' as an answer," Kate reminded her.

Johanna blew out a breath. "I'd worry about us being caught by the media. I'd worry about having another panic attack and embarrassing you. I worry about there being some sort of frenzy and you getting hurt or provoked into doing something that would cast you in a bad light at the worst possible moment with this investigation hanging over you."

"Maybe I think it's worth the risk."

She eyed her daughter, sensing an ulterior motive. "Why now, Katie?" she asked softly.

"What do you mean?"

"You haven't been anywhere with me since we went to Wyoming. You haven't shown any interest in going anywhere with me…and with a few exceptions; your visits are usually short and in regard to a crisis. You also made the comment that I should stay home where I belong."

"I was angry when I said that," she replied.

"I know, but sometimes words of anger ring with truth. I'm not trying to start something, especially when we just settled the last thing, but I can't help but feel like you have a reason for wanting me to go with you…and it's not because you want to spend time with me."

Kate sighed. "Why wouldn't I want to spend time with you?"

"I'll rephrase; it's not because you want to spend time with me in public."

She leaned back against her car. "You're always so suspicious."

"And you're always good at dodging questions."

"Why do you have to do this, Mom?" she asked. "We just had a perfectly nice day together and now you're trying to ruin it."

Johanna was quiet for a long moment as she bit back at least three responses. She wanted to push, wanted to know if the reason was what she thought it was. But she couldn't…because to push too much would make Kate retreat. "I apologize," she said instead. "It wasn't my intent to upset the apple cart again. If you want me to go shopping with you then of course I'll go. Just let me know the night before."

Kate pushed away from the car to keep from squirming under her mother's gaze as a hint of guilt niggled her. Castle had suggested that they be seen together…and even though she didn't want to admit it, it was part of her reason. "If you don't want to go, you don't have to," she told her. "I don't want to make you uncomfortable."

Her mother shook her head. "No; I'll go. I'll be fine, I promise. Like I said, just let me know when you want to go and I'll be ready."

She breathed deeply and released the breath slowly. "Okay; when we get back from our trips, we'll make plans."

Johanna forced a smile to her lips. "Great; I'm looking forward to it…and it would be completely fine with me if you still wanted to invite Lanie along."

"I'll keep that in mind," she replied.

Johanna stepped forward and wrapped her daughter in a hug. "I love you…no matter what."

Kate hugged her tightly, feeling the sting of tears in her eyes. Her mother loved her no matter what…even when she believed that her motives weren't pure…even when she felt she was being wronged somehow. She blinked back the moisture in her eyes. "I love you too…no matter what."

She held on to her daughter for a moment longer and then kissed her cheek and released her. "If I don't hear from you, I hope you have a nice trip."

"You'll hear from me," Kate promised. "I'm not mad about anything…remember, you're not a doormat anymore. You bought new shoes."

She nodded. "I remember; text me and let me know you got home safely."

"I will," her daughter replied before brushing a kiss against Johanna's cheek. "I'll call you tomorrow after I watch Temptation Lane."

A more genuine smile touched Johanna's lips. "I'll be waiting."

Kate moved to the driver's side and got in the car as Johanna stood by on the sidewalk. She gave her a wave as she drove away and she stood watching until the car was out of sight. It had been so good to spend the day with her…and if things were different, she'd be looking forward to the shopping trip her daughter planned. Tears filled her eyes; in her heart she knew that Kate wasn't suggesting this shopping trip as another way to mend their bond. She was parading her out so that they could prove that they weren't estranged…that she wasn't lying in her statement. She understood the motive, really she did; but still it stung. She blinked rapidly, clearing her eyes of the tears her heart begged her to shed. She couldn't cry, she told herself as she walked back up the walk and porch steps. She couldn't let Jim see that anything was amiss.

Johanna moved into the house and locked the screen door behind her and then shut the front door and locked it up for the night as well. She hung her jacket on the hook and moved into the living room, almost running into her husband as they both stepped into the doorway.

"Where are you going?" she asked.

"To get a little more coffee," he answered; his gaze scanning her face. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah; why wouldn't I be?"

"I don't know…you just look a little sad."

Johanna shook her head, conjuring up a smile for him. "I'm fine; it was a very nice day…maybe I just hated to see her go."

He smiled but he wasn't sure that was all it was. "She'll be back."

"I know…we're going to go shopping sometime soon."

"That's good to hear," Jim replied; but he couldn't help thinking that she didn't look as happy about the idea as she usually would have. "Are you sure there's nothing wrong? You were out there for awhile."

"Just girl talk," she answered, infusing lightness into her tone before she pressed a kiss to his lips. "I'm going to get a shower; will you put some water on for me so I can have a cup of tea?"

Jim nodded. "I'll make your tea; do you want to go ahead and move upstairs for the night? I'll make sure the house is locked up and meet you up there."

"Yeah, that sounds good. I'm ready to settle in for the night," she remarked before stealing another kiss. "Jim?"

"What?"

"I'm looking forward to running away with you next weekend."

"I'm glad to hear that," he smiled as he kissed her. "Go get your shower; I'll bring up your tea."

She gave a nod and a small smile and headed for the stairs. She didn't like to keep things from him but she didn't want him to be upset with Katie. Just like she hadn't wanted to upset her daughter so she had backed down instead of pushing. She sighed…the story of a woman's life seemed to be the lies she told to keep from hurting people and the battles she surrendered to keep the peace…or at least it seemed to be the story of her life. Had it always been that way? She couldn't really recall anymore but regardless, it was a heavy weight to carry sometimes.

* * *

The loft was largely quiet as Kate stepped through the door. She put her purse in the closet and hung up her jacket, taking stock of the dimmed lights of Castle's home. Soft noise came from the direction the living room and she followed it, wondering if everyone had gone out and forgot that they had left the television on. She found Castle on the sofa, game controller in hand and his gaze fixed upon the screen. She smiled. "It's good to see that you didn't miss me," she said lightly as she sat down on the sofa.

Castle shook his head. "I missed you; this is me dealing with the pain."

"I see," she quipped. "And are you still master of the universe?"

"Of course, I've mastered three more levels today."

"I'm impressed."

"As you should be," he replied. "Do you want to play? I can switch games."

"No, I've always been more of a Nintendo kind of girl. I'll just watch you."

He grinned. "Afraid I'll beat you?"

Kate laughed. "Castle, I fully admit that you would crush me at these games. Now if we were playing one of the old school Nintendo or Super Nintendo Mario games, I'd give you a run for your money."

"Is that right?"

She nodded. "My Dad and I spent a lot of time playing Nintendo when I was a kid. We mastered it."

He didn't have any trouble imaging that. "What about your mom, did she play?"

"Sometimes. She probably would've played more often but I think she saw it as my Dad's thing with me and she didn't want to intrude on that too much. Where is everyone tonight?"

"Alexis has gone back to her dorm and Mother is out with Baker Ben," he answered as he annihilated a few aliens on the screen. "I've been thoroughly abandoned the last few hours."

She gave a soft laugh. "I can tell how distressed you are over it."

He gave a look of mock dramatics. "I was distraught for a moment but then pulled myself together. I was starting to think though that maybe you had decided to move back in with your mother."

Kate smirked at him. "When you visit someone you're supposed to stay longer than five minutes. I stayed for dinner and we re-watched Friday's episode of Temptation Lane."

"Sounds like good mother-daughter bonding. Did everything go well?"

"Yeah, it was fine."

"Did she go for a run with you?"

She nodded. "She went."

"Good…and you two smoothed things over?"

"Yeah, we talked…about a lot of things."

"The statement?" he asked.

"I told her everything she needs to know."

"Did she take it okay?"

"Surprisingly, yes. They already made plans to go away for the weekend so there won't be any need to worry about them being here in the deluge if there is one."

"I hope they aren't going to the same place we are," he commented. "That would be…awkward."

"I think the chances of that are slim," she said with a soft laugh. "Knowing Dad he's probably taking her somewhere related to their past. They could even be going up to the cabin, she probably didn't consider that."

"They didn't tell you where they were going?"

Kate shook her head. "He wants to surprise her."

"Maybe a change of scenery will be good for her," Castle replied. "I did write her back but I'm sure she probably hasn't checked her email."

"She'll get around to it. You better get that alien that just popped up behind you," she said with a nod at the screen.

Castle blasted the creature, feeling as though there was something she was holding back. "What happened that wasn't so great today?"

"What makes you think something went wrong?"

"My spidey senses are tingling."

She saw no reason to keep the incident to herself and so she gave in to his 'spidey sense' and confessed. "I brought up going shopping after we get back."

"She didn't like the idea?"

"It wasn't that… she just knows I have a reason for it and it isn't the one she wants."

His brow rose. "You told her it was because of the statement?"

"No."

Puzzlement flicked across his features. "Then how does she know?"

A small smile ghosted across her lips. "She's my mom, Castle. She can read me like a book."

He gave a nod of acknowledgement. "Is she going to go, despite mother's intuition?"

"She says she will…but I can't shake the feeling that I hurt her feelings somehow even though I didn't mention it in regard to the statement. I want to go with her…but the statement is part of my reason as well."

"Well maybe she does know that and maybe she doesn't like that part of the reason but at least she didn't say no."

"At least not for the moment," Kate replied.

"You think she'll change her mind?"

"With Johanna Beckett anything is possible…as we know all too well," she remarked.

"She'll go along," Castle replied. "She won't want to disappoint you…and maybe it'll go along smoothly and you'll see that you had nothing to worry about."

She released a heavy breath. "I hope that's true…but maybe I should've waited until we came back to ask her about the shopping trip."

"Kate, if you just act natural about it she'll accept it for what it is. Don't worry about it."

But she would worry in a small way. She felt like she had cast a pallor over their day together and she hated that. She hated how easily things could get unbalanced and she wondered when it would even out. With the case and the upcoming trial, the I.A. investigation, the media and the holidays all coming at them at once, she envisioned a long winter stretching out before her. More pressure, more scrutiny, more outbursts, sleepless nights, tears and God only knew what else. The thought of it put a knot in her stomach. She had to find the balance that her father spoke of. She had to find a way to curb her frustrations and she had to try harder to keep things on solid ground.

"You worry too much," Castle murmured as he leaned close and brushed a soft kiss against her cheek.

"You would too if you were me," she remarked as she watched him battle yet another foe on the screen.

"It just takes time, Kate."

"I know," she whispered as she curled up against his arm. "Are you finished playing this game for the night?"

A wicked grin touched his lips. "Depends on if my lady has a better offer."

Kate caught his lips in a kiss. "I thought maybe you'd want to be master of my universe for awhile. There aren't any aliens for you to blast but there could be other perks."

Castle saved his game and threw his controller down on the arm of the couch before pulling her into his arms for a kiss. "Your game is definitely a game I want to try my hand at."

A saucy grin spread across her lips as she rose from the sofa. "You're going to need more than just your hand."

"Trust me, Detective, I have everything required to be the master of your universe."

"That's good to know," she quipped as she held her hand out to him.

He took her hand and tugged her close so that he could slip his arm around her waist as they headed for his bedroom. "I just want you to know that in the morning, after I've mastered your game, I'll be going on the hunt for a Super Nintendo."

Kate's eyes lit up. "Would you?! That would be so much fun."

"Consider it down. But first things first," he said as he closed the door of his room and pulled her into his arms. "I have a universe to become master of."

She smiled, her lips brushing his. "Then you better get to work."

* * *

Jim was already settled on his side of the bed when Johanna finally entered the bedroom. The TV was on, the remote in his hand as he flipped channels and she moved quickly across the room to her vanity to avoid being in his way.

"Your tea is on the nightstand," he told her.

"Thank you," she replied as she sat down and slipped off her rings to put her lotion on. "Can't you find anything to watch?"

"I've found a few things but you know I like to scout my options."

Johanna gave a nod in response, focusing her attention on rubbing the lotion into her skin. She'd allowed herself to cry for a few minutes as she stood under the hot water of the shower and she hoped that Jim wouldn't notice the redness of her eyes. It felt silly to cry over the motivation of a shopping trip but her emotions weren't easily controlled these days although she did try her best. Worries filled her mind and yet she couldn't share them with her husband, to do so would bring up the nature of her conversation with Kate and he'd be upset that the boat had gotten rocked. She couldn't talk to Kate about it either; her daughter would continue to dodge and get defensive. It was so hard to walk multiple lines sometimes. Valerie crossed her mind and she decided that she'd call her sister-in-law in the morning and unburden herself. At least she had one option outside of her home.

Johanna sighed as she picked up her rings and slipped them back onto her fingers before she rose from her seat and crossed the room. She took off her robe and dropped it at the foot of the bed and then moved to her side, pausing to pick up her mug of tea. She took a long sip, letting the liquid warm and sooth her before she put the mug back on the nightstand and got into bed. "What did you decide on?" she asked her husband.

"JAG," he answered.

She wrinkled her nose. "I hate that show; it's so boring."

"You'll survive," Jim told her as he patted her leg beneath the covers. "I'm not all that crazy about Dr Quinn but you've got the entire series in DVD form on its way in the mail…I imagine I'll be seeing a lot of it."

"You'll never convince me that JAG is in any way shape or form better than Dr Quinn. At least their characters were likeable."

"What's not likeable about these characters?" Jim asked.

She looked him in the eye. "Everything. They never gave me anything to root for."

"Not everything is a soap opera, Jo. I had to sit through a rerun of Temptaion Lane, now you can sit through this."

"I didn't ask you to turn it," she replied as she reached for her book and her reading glasses.

"I know, but you'd like me to," he said lightly as he glanced at her.

"Not at all; I'll have my revenge when Dr Quinn gets here, so you go ahead and enjoy that dry entertainment," she quipped as she opened her book.

Jim hooked a finger under her chin and turned her face back to his. "Have you been crying?" he asked, catching sight of the redness in her eyes.

"Of course not."

"Your eyes are red."

"The shampoo got in my eyes," she replied without missing a beat.

"I hate that."

"Me too."

"Jo?"

"Hmm?"

"What happened outside between you and Katie?"

"Nothing; I told you, we made plans to go shopping soon."

"I hate when you lie to me, Johanna," he said as he turned his attention back to the television; a small flicker of annoyance in his blood. Everything had seemed so perfect and yet something had gone wrong in those moments before Katie left, he knew it…he knew her and the signs of when she was faking contentment.

"If something did happen, and it didn't, did you ever stop to think that maybe it isn't any of your business?" she asked. "Some things are just between me and her; but if you'd like to call and question her about the conversation we had before we said goodnight, please go ahead."

"I don't want to fight," Jim stated.

"We're not."

"You usually only tell me to mind my business when you're gearing up for one."

"Why would I be gearing up for a fight? I just told you downstairs that I was looking forward to us going away; why would I want to spoil that? I told you to mind your own business because you should; you don't need to know everything that Katie and I say to each other…you never have. Just like I don't need to know everything you talk to her about. You went to lunch with her one day not too long ago; I wasn't invited and I don't care that I wasn't; you should have one on one time with her…and if you'll recall, I never once asked what the two of you discussed."

"That's because you sprung your car bombshell that day."

"Watch your show, Jim," she said with a sigh. "I'm not doing this."

He fell silent, his gaze focused on the screen but his thoughts on his wife. She had a point, he didn't need to poke into every conversation she had or every thought that went through her mind. But he couldn't shake the need to; to make sure she was fine, to make sure he could protect her from whatever possible hurt was lurking…to make sure he knew everything that he should. The thought struck a measure of guilt. Did feeling that way mean that he didn't trust her in some small way? He kept trying to convince her that he did trust her completely, and he really felt as though he did trust her…but yet he kept acting as if he didn't. He kept giving her examples of doubt whether she called him on them or not.

Jim released a heavy breath. He was sure that his overly protective nature and his need to know everything stemmed from his own worries and paranoia but he had to learn to deal with that in a better way or he was going to hurt her and it wouldn't be a hurt that she would easily get over. He had to do better. "You're still running away with me next weekend," he stated, his tone gentle. "I don't care if you're mad at me or not."

"I'm not mad," Johanna said as she put her book and glasses back on the nightstand and turned off her lamp, feeling as though she didn't have the concentration required for reading. "I told you, I'm looking forward to our adventure."

"Then why are you turning out your light already?"

"Because the boredom of JAG puts me in a coma," she quipped lightly.

He laughed; feeling like things might be alright again. "You know you're not going to be able to go to sleep this early."

"I don't intend to, I'm going to lay here and give you critiques on this show like you do when I watch Dr Quinn," she told him with a teasing smile.

"Fair enough," Jim remarked as caught her lips in a kiss.

She reached for his hand and held it, wanting to assure him that everything was fine between them…and she felt like to do that she had to come clean in some respect although she didn't want to. "We discussed how she doesn't want birthday gifts but she's going to get one anyway whether she likes it or not."

"I usually just give her money," Jim said.

"You can give her what you want but I'm going to find something she has to open, like clothes or a piece of jewelry."

"She might bulk if she's already making statements about not wanting anything."

"She'll accept it."

"How can you be so sure?"

"I'll present it in a way she can't refuse."

"I'm afraid to ask," Jim replied.

"Don't; you're better off being in the dark about it. You can claim innocence and that way she'll still call you."

"Is it really worth it if you think she'll be mad?"

Johanna met his eye. "I've been denied the privilege for long enough…she might get mad and eventually I'll apologize…but not until the time for returning the item is up. I should be able to have my way once in awhile. It was bad enough that I couldn't do more for you…I'm not letting this one go."

He knew better than to argue and he was sure she wouldn't push too far due to her own fears of losing Kate. He squeezed her hand and offered her a smile. "Good luck."

She was quiet for a moment, his hand still in hers and she gave no inclination of letting go. She could probably leave the discussion where it was, but she was trying so hard to prove to him that she didn't keep secrets anymore. "I asked what her true motivation was behind her shopping plans."

Jim's gaze snapped toward her. "Why would you do that?"

"Because being a lawyer and a mother, I know an ulterior motive when I hear it."

"I'm sure she didn't appreciate that, Jo."

She nodded. "Well there are things I don't appreciate myself…like being an obligation but that's beside the point. She dodged the question and I told her I'd go. I know it isn't for the reasons I'd like but I can live with it."

He felt another touch of guilt. He had asked Kate awhile back to spend more time with Johanna, to take her out shopping because she didn't really have anyone else. Then there was their conversation they'd had while they waited for Johanna to change her clothes that afternoon. He might've guilted Kate into the plans and Johanna, who was always sensitive to a person's motives behind their actions, picked up on the feeling that it wasn't really Kate's idea. Maybe he'd been wrong to make those suggestions to his daughter. Maybe he should've minded his own business as his wife suggested.

Jim picked up the remote and flipped the channel. "What are you doing?" Johanna asked. "You didn't have to turn your show."

"I don't care for that episode," he remarked; it wasn't a lie, he didn't really care for that one but really he felt like the least he could do was pick a show they both liked in light of his meddling. She didn't know anything about his part in it but she would quietly suffer for it and he had to make it better in some small way. As he flicked through the channels, the familiar face of Jane Seymour appeared on the screen and he stopped. "Look, there's the good doctor now."

Johanna gave a soft laugh. "We don't have to watch Dr Quinn; we can watch what you want."

"I don't mind," he replied. "It looks like one of the early episodes; I didn't mind it back then. It was the later seasons that irritated me."

She nodded. "I'll only watch those ones when you're not home."

He kissed her and put the remote on the nightstand, clicking off his lamp as well as he abandoned the idea of reading too. He just wanted to lie there with her as she watched her show. He just wanted that quiet peace of being together.

Johanna curled into his side, her eyes on the television but her daughter still filled her thoughts. She was just as good at dodging questions, just as good at bristling when unwanted topics came up. Little Katie Beckett had grown up to be just like her mama. She sighed; she wasn't sure if that was a good thing or not.

* * *

Johanna moved quietly down the dark hallway as she made her way to the office. The clock in the living room had read 4 a.m. and her options for entertainment on the television had dried up. She had woke at 3 and had been unable to go back to sleep. A remnant of a bad dream remained lodged in her mind and she shivered as she snapped on the dim Tiffany Lamp that sat on her desk. It had been awhile since her dreams had tormented her but for some reason they had turned dark and ugly tonight. She was just glad that she hadn't cried out and disturbed Jim's sleep.

Settling into her chair, Johanna opened her lap top and hoped that browsing would make her sleepy again. She checked her email and discovered a message from Rick. Figuring there was nothing to fear from that, she opened it to read his reply in regard to her opinions.

 _Johanna,_

 _Let me begin by putting your mind at ease; you haven't offended me in any way. I greatly appreciate the thoughts and comments you took time to offer. You asked a few questions and I have no problem answering them. First, since I know you probably can't stand the suspense, I'm going with scene two…and I can't thank you enough for picking it, you fell right into my devious plot, ha ha. But seriously, I am going with scene two for the very reasons you used in support of it. It makes a better story; it rings true to who these characters are and to real life as well. Also, I don't want my characters to be puking rainbows and butterflies…that sounds like something there isn't a cure for. The occasional bout is probably fine but I understand your point about not making it an epidemic; you're right, no one wants that. You're probably also correct in your assumption that those who say they do would be the first ones to call me out for it._

 _I suppose I could blame a love haze in some ways, after all, who wouldn't want to spout poetry about your daughter? She's very worthy of flowery prose as I'm sure you know and thank you for forgiving me for any haze that may have leaked in to that scene. Also, thank you for the masterpiece that is Kate Beckett; and a thank you to Jim as well, his contribution shouldn't be overlooked….although we both know you most likely take at least 95 percent of the credit for the work, which is, as my mother tells me, a mother's right. I fully support that right. No I'm not sucking up to you because you picked the right scene._

Johanna laughed softly; she hadn't expected remarks about her daughter but it was sweet to see; and he was correct, she thought that her daughter was worth all the flowery prose in the world.

 _You asked why I wrote scene one as I did; you asked if outside voices had gotten into my head and swayed me into thinking that it was something I needed more of. As much as I hate to admit it, you're correct in that assumption. I have read comments from readers and peers alike who thought I should have more of that such of thing. Some suggested that Nikki and Rook's relationship seems only passionate in a physical sense and that they need more, to borrow your words, 'fluffy moments'. I understand what you mean about the scene not feeling like me, like it was an experiment of sorts that I wasn't happy with. You were right…damn you're good; you're batting a lot of rights here, have you noticed? Kate says I shouldn't give you so many reasons to say I told you so…but when you're right, you're right and I have to give credit when credit is due._

 _Your words about the voices of outsiders getting into the heads of authors was right on the money. After awhile you build up a little resistance and you think you're in the clear, but then you stumble across something, and even though you have a shelf full of best sellers and a few awards, you start to doubt things, you start to wonder, you stop trusting yourself. You start to feel the shame of letting those people get to you; so thank you for reminding me that there is no shame, that it happens to all of us no matter our level of success. You reminded me to trust myself and that I know what I'm doing. I know, it seems silly to need to be reminded at this point in the game, but it helps sometimes and I appreciate your compassion in regard to it._

 _As for your other question, no, I haven't considered writing other genres. If I do decide to write a romance novel one day, I believe I'll use your name for a pen name and cut you in on the profits ;) I appreciate the offer of lending me a novel to read though if I'd like to improve my ability of writing a fluff scene, I might surprise you and take you up on that one day. Also, once again, I apologize for any perceived snubbing of your favorite historical romance author. If you're in her corner than I'm sure she's worthy of immense praise and is wonderful at her craft. I have a feeling you won't forgive me though until I read one of her books…which one should I start with? The one you told me about at the market where the hero and heroine were secretly writers? That sounds like it has some intrigue; I could probably handle that one._

Another laugh crossed her lips; she could just picture Richard Castle reading a romance novel…now that would be a tweet worthy photo, she thought to herself.

 _I've been doing a lot of thank you mentions throughout this message and it probably sounds like a broken record but I have more to give. Thank you for asking questions about the motivations, for telling me what you liked and how it made you feel, for the reminders, for the laughs, because I did laugh several times, and for being genuinely interested. You're the kind of editor that any writer would clamor for; you respect all of the work even if it's something you don't feel is just right. That means a lot to me and it would mean a lot to any writer in general. I'm glad I sought out your advice…and since our little experiment here went so well, don't be surprised to find other scenes in your inbox at times that I'd like your special brand of input on._

 _With that said, I have a question of my own. Have you given any thought to the suggestion I made to you about writing? You do have a way with words. You don't have to write a story, you could write about the people you love as I mentioned when we first had the discussion, write about your memories, how you feel…write about someone you don't mention much because you don't want people to worry about you missing that person, or write about whatever you like. Like I said before, you might find that it'll make you feel better…and you know, if you wanted to share it, I wouldn't be opposed to that, one good turn deserves another, right?_

 _Kate's with you right now, but I want you to know that even when the ground is shaky, she still loves you with all of her heart. We all love you, whether you're happy, sad, mad, sassy, temperamental or mellow, well all love you…don't let the voices of outsiders and those pesky seeds of doubts ever convince you otherwise._

 _-Rick_

She breathed deeply and exhaled the breath. Maybe they all needed little reminders now and then. She closed the message, she'd reply later in the day. She browsed a few shopping sites and news sites and then, feeling a tug, she clicked on the link she had bookmarked for Vixen's blog. The page loaded and a new post met her eyes.

 _Spotted: Johanna and Kate Beckett out for a stroll in the Becketts neighborhood._

Her heart thudded against her ribs as she scrolled further, expecting a photo to appear but none did. The post however continued on.

 _It's been reported to me that estranged mother and daughter seemed to be playing nice today as they took a Sunday stroll through the neighborhood that Johanna Beckett calls home. Witnesses claim that they didn't see any hint of discord, although it's unlikely that they'd risk showing anything less than their best face in public. One report did mention that the Beckett women had a long conversation while standing outside at the end of the evening and that it didn't always look like a happy one, despite the hug given at the end of it. It must be a weary thing to have to wear so many faces when you so obviously only want to show the one you keep hidden._

 _It was also noted that mother and daughter opted for a Bobsey twin look for their exercise ensembles; both wore black jackets and pants, Mommy dearest trimmed in pink, Miss NYPD trimmed in purple. How sweet. It was obviously planned in case they were spotted; but seriously ladies, matching outfits won't convince the world that things are hunky dorey between the two of you. Try a little harder; surely you can do better._

Johanna forced herself to unclench her jaw. Vixen had spies somewhere in the neighborhood. It wasn't a newsflash, she had already surmised as much but the question was who they were and how they were connected to Vixen. It had to be a connection that wasn't widely known or else Vixen would risk exposure. The blogger could have a childhood friend living down the street; it could be a cousin, it could be an in-law. It was another piece of the puzzle that needed filled in. She shook off her feelings about her visit from Kate being reported and she searched to see if Vixen had responded to her last comment.

She wasn't disappointed; an answer awaited. " _I owe Johanna Beckett no loyalty; no one does in my opinion. She's gotten what she's deserved and what she's got coming to her."_

The remark didn't offer much in the way of clues. Vixen clearly had a grudge, but she wasn't sure if it was an old grudge or a new one born of the current circumstances. She thought for several moments, composing a new reply.

"She must've really pissed you off at some point in time. Is that why you seem to take glee in her downfall?"

The comment posted just as she heard the stairs creak. She closed the laptop and hurried from the room, knowing her husband was up looking for her.

"Jo," he called out as she stepped into the hallway.

"I'm here," she answered as she made her way to the stairs.

"What are you doing, sweetheart?" he asked sleepily.

"I woke up and couldn't get back to sleep so I came downstairs to read a little."

Jim held out his hand to her. "What woke you?"

"Bad dream…I don't want to talk about it."

He nodded. "Come on back to bed and try to sleep some more; I'll keep you close and your dreams won't bother you anymore."

She smiled and allowed him to lead her back upstairs. Her dreams might not haunt her anymore for the night if she was curled up in his arms…but thoughts of who Vixen was might plague her.


	18. Chapter 18

_Authors Note: Thanks for your reviews; not much Castle/Beckett in this one, sorry to any one who might be unhappy about that but hopefully you'll enjoy it anyway._

Chapter 18- Secrets-Part 1

" _Til all my sleeves are stained red from all the truth that I've said. Come by it honestly, I swear" –One Republic _

After Johanna washed the breakfast dishes Friday morning, she made her way to the office. She went to the bookcase and grabbed the bag for her laptop from the bottom shelf and then moved to her desk to set about packing it for their trip.

"No you don't," Jim said as he entered the room.

Her head snapped up, her eyes meeting his. "What?"

"No computer," he replied as he crossed the room and plugged it back into its charger.

"Why not?"

"Because it's a vacation; you don't need it. All you're allowed to bring besides your clothes and necessities are your phone, a book or two and me."

"I see," she said, amusement gleaming in her eyes. "You're the only luxury item I'm allowed."

"That's right," he grinned. "You don't need a computer when you have me for entertainment."

"It's been duly noted," Johanna replied as she put the bag back on the shelf. "I'll go check my bag and make sure I have my book."

"Don't forget your glasses."

"I won't; I'll put them in my purse."

"I've been thinking," Jim said; causing her to pause in the doorway and turn back to face him.

"Thinking about what?"

"How about when we get back, we go and get you another pair of glasses made that you can leave in your purse…then you wouldn't have to worry about it."

Johanna's nose wrinkled in response. "I don't want to go to the eye doctor."

"Why not? You've obviously gone before."

"What if this doctor is money hungry and doesn't agree with the one I saw before?" she asked.

"Agree about what?"

"That my eyes so far have remained consistent; that I don't need a strong prescription…because I don't. I just need small print magnified a little, that's all."

"I know, dear," he said patiently; she often made it a point to remind him of that fact.

"I don't feel any change in my eyes; and I'm not just saying that to avoid an appointment. I did go get the damn things after all when I did notice a change."

Jim nodded. "I know; you wouldn't take chances with your eyesight."

"No I wouldn't."

"I didn't say you had to be examined; we could just say that you want a spare pair of glasses made."

"Like they're really going to do that without examining me."

"They have equipment that can tell them the prescription in your lenses, Jo."

"They're not going to give it up that easily," she remarked.

"Sweetheart; I really think you should have a spare pair of glasses."

"I'll think about it."

He gave a short laugh. "I know what that translates into."

"I might surprise you."

He held her gaze. "I've got a surprise for you."

'What?" she asked; her brow rising in suspicion.

"When I call and have you put on my health insurance, you'll have to go get a check up."

Disgust spread across Johanna's features. "I don't need a damn check up; I'm fine! I had one last year."

"Those are the rules; you know that."

"Stupid rules," she muttered; "You can tell them what I think they can do with their rules."

"I don't know why you get so upset about doctors."

"Because I don't like them. You come out worse than when you went in. You can be perfectly fine, walk in a doctor's office, come out, you're sick. I'm not going unless absolutely necessary. I don't know why all of a sudden you and Katie want to ship me off to doctors and have me medicated. I'm not sick. I'm not crazy…and the only medication I need is Advil."

"I'm not trying to have you medicated," Jim replied. "The suggestion of medication to help with the anxiety was a foolish one that I regret and we agreed to forget about it. No medication for you; unless you need one of your migraine pills. I will find someone who will make you a pair of glasses without making you go through another exam. The check up is out of my hands, because that's how insurance companies are, but you can go back to the doctor you always saw before, she's still in business, but we'll wait until after the New Year. Now what's Katie got to do with this?"

Johanna hesitated for a moment but then answered. "She wants to ship me off to a therapist."

"And what did you say to that?"

"What do you think?"

He smiled as he moved toward her; his fingers reaching out and caressing the line of her jaw. "I imagine you said no…and while you said no, you bit your tongue to keep from saying what you'd really like to say…which would've been peppered with certain four letter words you save for special occasions. Words that she uses herself sometimes, you know?"

"Oh I know," she replied. "I've heard them during some of our little fights that you don't know we had when we were living together…and I wanted to smack her mouth every time she said it."

Jim wasn't surprised to hear that they had fights that they had kept from him during that time of her living under Katie's roof; he wasn't even surprised that she had wanted to smack her for saying the curse words that she herself uttered on occasion. "Why didn't you?" he asked with a laugh. "You couldn't be charged with child abuse now that she's an adult."

She smirked at him. "Because she has a gun and I wasn't entirely sure then that she wouldn't shoot me."

"She wouldn't have…reflex might've had her hit you back though."

Johanna nodded. "I wouldn't have wanted you to get that phone call…saying that we were at the precinct in a holding cell because the neighbors called the cops."

Jim laughed. "You were wise to show restraint."

"She's a grown woman; I can't tell her what she can and can not say…even if I don't like the choice of words at times. And before you say it, I don't care if I say them too; you know how it is with mothers; it's do what I say, not what I do."

"Yes; I believe that was always my mother's motto."

Johanna eyed him. "Are you _trying_ to get on my bad side today?"

"No," he replied with a shake of his head. "That comparison to my mother was uncalled for and if you want, I'll throw myself at your feet and beg for mercy."

"That sounds kind of appealing but I'm not sure we have time for that today…which is a shame because you probably should beg for mercy. This is supposed to be my stress free weekend and you're in here talking about doctors and reminding me of Katie's little suggestion and I have to tell you, Jim; I'm not feeling very stress free yet," she said lightly.

"You will once we get on the road," he told her; his hand finding hers. "But you know, if you did want to talk to someone, no one would think less of you for it."

"My stress level is increasing with every second," she sighed.

"Jo…"

She looked him in the eye. "I don't need a therapist; I have a husband."

Puzzlement furrowed his brow. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means you're my husband; you're my best friend, my partner, my soul mate, my lover, the father of my child, my mechanic, handyman and my therapist. Everything I need is right here, contained in the very handsome, wonderful package that is you," she remarked before pressing a kiss to his lips.

He smiled and wrapped his arms around her waist, pulling her close for a kiss. "You do wonders for my ego," he quipped.

Her eyes sparkled with amusement as she patted his chest. "Just don't get too conceited."

"I'll try not to but it might be difficult considering how wonderful I am."

She nodded. "I suppose I can overlook occasional conceit…since you are so wonderful after all. I better go make sure we have everything so we can get going…unless you've changed your mind."

Jim shook his head. "No; we're going…I thought you were looking forward to it."

"I am," Johanna replied. "I just…you know."

"We'll be fine," he assured. "Let's go check and make sure we have everything and then get on the road."

* * *

"Are you going to tell me where we're going?" Johanna asked after they had been driving for a short while.

Jim smiled; his gaze flicking toward her for a second before returning to the road. "No; I'm sure you'll figure it out when we get closer."

"Nobody's following us?" she asked; hating herself for doing so.

"No, sweetheart; no one's following us. We're fine."

She relaxed against the seat, her hand moving to rest on his thigh. Jim shot her a teasing grin. "Don't get too fresh, you don't want your Mustang to end up in an accident."

Johanna smirked at him. "I assure you that my intentions were pure…you're the one who likes to cop a feel at inappropriate moments."

"I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about," he replied.

"I'm sure you do."

He shook his head. "I've always been a perfect gentleman with you."

Her laughter filled the car, bringing a smile to his lips. "I'm not so sure about that, honey. What about all of those movies we've had to leave early?"

"That was just a little date night fun; it's not my fault that you're so easily swayed."

"So you're blaming me?" she asked.

"At least partly."

"Okay; what about that time in the elevator?"

"That was an emergency," Jim quipped.

Her brow rose. "An emergency?"

He nodded. "I had been out of town for ten long days without you…and you looked entirely too good in that outfit that you always wore when you wanted to tease me. You're lucky I waited until we got to the elevator."

"Our apartment wasn't that far away from work," Johanna reminded him.

Jim glanced at her. "Sweetheart, even the car was too far away…and you didn't put up much argument against it."

"How could I? You didn't let me say much; every time I tried to talk you kissed me to shut me up."

"You were more than willing to go along with it," he replied with a laugh. "If you hadn't been, you would've made it clear…besides, it was after hours, no one knew."

"But still, is that really the behavior of a perfect gentleman?"

"There wasn't anything un-gentlemanly about it; you didn't resist and I had already married you. It was perfectly legitimate."

"I see; I didn't realize that the marriage excused it."

"Well now you know," he teased.

She laughed. "Okay, what about that time in your office…when we were dating."

"That doesn't count either; that was a life or death situation."

"Really?" Johanna asked incredulously. "Life or death? How do you figure?"

Jim laughed. "I was pretty sure that I could possibly die in that moment if I didn't have you as soon as possible."

"And am I to assume that was my fault too?"

"Of course," he replied. "But if it makes you feel any better, I also blame a busy week at work…and the fact that I don't think you had innocent intentions when you came to my office that evening."

"Oh please!" she exclaimed. "I did not come there to seduce you!"

"Like you're going to admit it," he laughed.

"Can you prove otherwise?"

"No; but I know how you are; you act innocent and then you lure me into your trap."

"Oh my God," she replied; "I might have to take you and get your head examined."

"No need for that; I remember it all clearly, and no matter the circumstance, you, my dear, was and always are a willing participant."

Johanna laughed and conceded the point without a word but her husband knew that he had won. He dropped a hand from the steering wheel to give hers a squeeze as it remained on his thigh. "I love you, you know," he said, quietly addressing the fact that he knew despite her lightness that she was still a little uneasy about being away from home.

She pushed her sunglasses up so that her gaze could meet his. "I know," she replied; hoping that he could read the layers of that statement; that she knew everything he did, he did out of love for her. That he just wanted to help her heal, that he wanted to vanquish the demons she was forced to carry. He was taking her away for a few days because he felt it was what was best for her. "I love you too."

"I know," Jim answered, giving her hand another squeeze before he returned his hand to the wheel.

Johanna wanted to assure him that she wasn't upset with his plan, because she wasn't. She was a little nervous, unsure of where they were headed and what he had planned…but as long as she had him there with her, she'd be fine. "I think you just wanted to drive my Mustang," she commented, lightness in her tone.

"Now what would make you think such a thing?" he asked; amusement in his voice and understanding on his face as he kept his attention on the road.

"Because I know how you are about sporty little cars."

His lips curved into a smile. "Is that why you picked it?"

"No; I picked it because it's my dream car…but if it added to my attractiveness for you, I consider that a bonus."

He laughed, his hand moving to her knee for a moment in a soft caress. "Sweetheart, you don't need a sporty car for me to think you're sexy…I've always thought you were…I know you are."

Her cheeks warmed and he chuckled as he caught a glimpse of the blush that touched her face. "I love that you still blush."

"I know, you've mentioned that…but still, I know your love for cars, of course you wanted to drive Little Red."

"You know I'm partial to Camaros."

"But you have driven Mustangs before…you drove Andrew's on our road trip. It's okay you know, I won't tell any Camaros that you cheated on them."

Jim laughed. "I can't tell you how much I appreciate that."

"That's what a loving wife does," she quipped. "Why don't you find an old Camaro to fix up? That seems like something you'd enjoy."

"I'd be lying if I said the thought never crossed my mind."

"So why don't you do it? You're entitled to have a little hobby like that; you'd enjoy it, I know you would. You always liked working on cars," she said; while silently thinking that it would also be a good outlet for his own stress in the coming months.

"You wouldn't mind?" he asked.

"Of course not, honey. Like you always tell me, we're comfortable; we can afford to support some hobbies and shopping trips."

"Maybe I will look around and see if I can find one," Jim replied; the idea taking root and filling him with interest.

"Maybe you'll find a blue one like you used to have," his wife said, an affectionate note in her voice.

"Even if I don't, I'll paint whatever I find blue."

"Sounds good to me."

"Andrew could help me with it when he's not busy traveling for work," he went on.

"That would be nice; I'm sure he'd like that."

"He's coming to visit when he gets back to town," Jim remarked.

Johanna glanced at him. "Is he?"

"Yes; he's looking forward to seeing you. He would've been around sooner but he's been traveling a lot, poor Gabby's been stuck with Madelyn when he's away. She makes her feel like a burden."

She shook her head. "Your sister is slowly turning into your mother. He should just bring her to us when he has to travel; we'd take better care of her and she damn sure wouldn't be made to feel like a burden."

"I wouldn't say she's slowly turning into my mother…I'd say she's already there…or worse. Andrew hasn't come right out and said it but I think he might be hoping that now that you're home that leaving Gabby with us could be an option when he can't take her with him. He has mentioned that he knows she's at that age where she needs a woman in her life that she can depend on…and that woman isn't Madelyn."

"I would be more than happy to be there for Gabby and to have her stay with us whenever needed," Johanna remarked. "The only problem is the fact that she doesn't know me…she might not like me."

"I don't think you have to worry about that, Jo. I'm sure Gabby will love you just like all of our nieces and nephews love you. She's quiet and a bit shy, but very loving; she'll take to you, no doubt about it in my mind. Andrew's explained everything to her, she understands and from what I hear, she's looking forward to having a new aunt."

She smiled a little. "You wouldn't just tell me that, would you?"

"No, of course not. You'll be meeting her when Andrew comes to visit; you'll see for yourself that I'm right."

"I hope so."

"I am," he assured; "And you don't have to worry about Andrew either; he loves you, he's glad you're home. He's missed you."

"I've missed him too…and I hate thinking that I've missed out on the first 12 years of Gabby's life."

"It's alright, you'll catch up, she's only been 13 for a few weeks, you'll have plenty of years to share with her…important ones that already have Andrew shaking in his boots," he said lightly.

Johanna smiled. "He's not sure he can handle a teenage girl?"

"Pretty much; he says he doesn't know anything about being a teenage girl so what good will he be?"

"Haven't you given him any wisdom?"

Jim shrugged. "All I could come up with is love her…and he already loves her of course; but I told him he might have to love her even more…especially during those moments when she might make it difficult to love her."

She gave his leg a gentle squeeze. "I think that's very wise advice."

"Well I had a wonderful, patient wife who guided me through our daughter's teenage years."

"It wasn't always easy," she laughed.

"I know...you had a lot of headaches from both of us at times; but you got us all through those rough spots somehow."

"Well, when you two made it difficult, I just loved you even more…even when you think I didn't because I was yelling and threatening to smash stereos with a hammer."

"Those were fun times," Jim laughed.

Johanna smiled. "Oh yeah; lots of fun…I'm glad we're out of that stage."

"Yeah; me too…I'm also very glad that we only had one. I don't think I could've gone through it a second time."

She glanced at him. "You never wish that I would've given you a son to go along with our daughter?"

"Honestly?" he asked.

"Yeah."

"No; it never bothered me that we didn't have another baby. In all honesty, Jo; when we had Katie I felt like we were complete. I never felt like anything was missing. If it had happened, I would've loved that child…but I never felt like I needed another one. I had you and Katie and that was all I needed. You went back on the pill until she was about three but after that we didn't do anything to prevent it from happening so I just assumed that we had what God wanted us to have. I told you before we were married that I didn't want as many kids as Michael had."

"I know," she replied. "But sometimes I wondered if you wished that I had given you another one."

"I never had those thoughts," he said sincerely. "Like I said, once we had Katie I felt like we were complete. Do you wish we had more?"

"Sometimes," she murmured and before she could finish the thought, he spoke once more.

"You could've told me, sweetheart. I wouldn't say we lacked in effort to have another one, it just didn't happen, but if I had known that you wanted another baby we could've went and seen if there was something preventing us from having one and what we could've done to correct it…and if we couldn't and you wanted, we could've adopted. I wouldn't have said no if it's what you had wanted."

"You didn't let me finish," Johanna said gently. "It's not something that I thought of back then. Like you, I felt complete once Katie was here. I didn't feel like anything was missing either as the years went by. I was happy with what I had. One baby was plenty for me…and honestly, there was a time when Katie was fifteen that I thought I was pregnant and I wasn't all that sure I could do it again."

Jim was quiet for a moment as he absorbed that statement. "You never told me that you ever had a suspicion that you were pregnant back then."

"I know…I was a little afraid to tell you…you were frustrated with Katie that week for some reason and had counted up how long it would be before she left for college…and you had mentioned you were glad she was the only one we had. I thought it would be best to wait until I knew for sure. I took off work early one day and went and got a test from the drugstore, it was negative. I guess I was stressed and it threw off my cycle that month. There didn't seem to be any reason to mention it."

He blew out a breath but nodded. "I understand...I probably wouldn't have taken the possibility well at that time…15 years between kids is a big gap."

"Yeah; that was my thought too…I wasn't sure I wanted to start over at 43. If I had been, that child would've just graduated from high school."

"Good God," he muttered; "I'm glad you weren't."

"So am I…especially with everything that ended up happening. I was happy with one baby."

"But now you wish we'd had another?"

"Sometimes," she admitted. "But that feeling could be brought on by those moments when things feel strained with Katie…which makes me sound horrible, doesn't it?"

"No; it makes you sound human," Jim replied. "I understand why you'd feel that way; but things will get better between you and Katie…and with any luck at all, one day she'll get it together and give us a grandchild that we can spoil and send home when we're finished."

Johanna laughed. "That is a more appealing option."

"I agree."

She was quiet for a moment and then broke the silence. "You're not angry with me for not telling you about that one time, are you?"

"No, sweetheart; I understand your reason for not telling me about it back then. At that stage of our lives…when there were moments when I was looking forward to getting Katie out the door, I probably wouldn't have taken it well, although I'm sure I would've made my peace with it if the result had been positive but I wouldn't have wanted to upset you for what ended up being no reason. It would've been more stress that you didn't need. It was a long time ago, no harm was done."

She breathed a sigh of relief; she hadn't realized that she'd be making that confession; after all she had kept it to herself for eighteen years and she'd hate to think that she had given him cause not to trust her again. That thought put a knot in her stomach. "I don't want you to think that I've spent our whole lives together keeping things from you, because I haven't…but I wouldn't blame you for thinking otherwise."

"Jo," he said gently; "How many times do I have to tell you that I trust you? I don't sit around thinking that every word out of your mouth is or was a lie. I know you better than that. I know we've had some rough moments; moments that probably make you feel like I don't trust you in one way or another, but sweetheart, I do; so please stop worrying about that, okay?"

"I'll try," Johanna murmured. "But you might have to be patient with me as I work through that issue."

"That's not a problem…and if I do something that makes you feel like I'm implying mistrust somehow, then you tell me so I can correct that and make sure you know that it couldn't be further from the truth."

"Okay," she told him; giving him a small smile.

"Everything's going to be fine," he assured. "We might have our squabbles at times but we always get through it. You don't need to worry that they'll change things because it won't. You and me, we're in this together, just like always, and nothing can change that."

"You just have to remind me of that once in awhile," she admitted; her voice tinged with emotion.

"I will," Jim promised.

She took a moment to blink back the emotion that had surged to the surface. "There's something about us and cars," she commented. "Some of our best talks have been had sitting in a car or driving somewhere."

"That's true…we've also had some good arguments in cars."

Johanna laughed. "I haven't forgotten."

He grinned. "There have even been a few nice 'make-up' sessions to go with some of those arguments."

"I haven't forgotten those either."

"I should hope not."

Johanna suddenly realized that they were headed for Long Island. "Where are we going?"

"We're going someplace where we're going to see someone that you'll enjoy spending some time with."

"Maggie?" she asked; her old friend popping into mind.

The hopeful note in her voice made him wish that was part of the plan. "No, honey, I'm sorry. I haven't seen Maggie in years."

"It's okay; she probably wouldn't want to see me anyway…we hadn't spoken in awhile when I had to leave."

"Would you want to see Maggie?" he asked.

She nodded. "I wouldn't mind seeing her and talking to her…I miss her."

"I'm sure Jeff could get her number for you from one of the kids."

"I couldn't ask him to do that," she replied. "I wouldn't want to upset him…I know he still loves her…and I wouldn't want him to think I was betraying his friendship somehow, especially after he's been here for us through all of this."

"He wouldn't think that; he'd understand and I think he'd be happy for you and Maggie both if you could revive your friendship."

"I'll think about asking him," Johanna said; a little ache resting inside of her. She wished she could reconnect with Maggie. She wished she could tell her how she had never wanted their friendship to end…that she had only gotten into her business for the sake of the kids, not because she wanted to take sides, even if she hadn't condoned what she had done to Jeff. Jim had told her that Maggie was divorced now and she wondered if perhaps Maggie needed a friend as badly as she did…but she wasn't sure how to go about reaching out to her…she really didn't want to cause Jeff any discomfort…and she wasn't sure if Maggie would shun her.

Jim was pondering the thought of Maggie as well as silence lingered between him and his wife. He wondered if perhaps he should ask Jeff to get him a phone number for Maggie. He knew without a doubt that Johanna wouldn't be able to bring herself to call even if she did have the number in her hand. She'd be afraid of being rejected…but if he had the number, he could call Maggie and test the waters on Johanna's behalf, maybe encourage the other woman to open the door for a reconciliation. But he too was hesitant about asking Jeff to get a hold of her number. His best friend had never fooled him for a moment; he knew that he was still as madly in love with Maggie as he had always been. He'd married Melanie because he'd been tired of being alone and had for the most part given up hope that Maggie would come home to him one day. He had been better off waiting, Jim thought to himself. Jeff wasn't happy in his marriage to Melanie, he knew that for a fact…and he wished that Maggie would not only renew her friendship with Johanna but that maybe she could somehow work things out with Jeff. Her marriage had failed…and he had heard whispers of rumors from people who occasionally had contact with Maggie, rumors that hinted that her heart still belonged to Jeff despite what she had done in the past. There had to be some truth to the rumor, he mused, after all Jeffrey Jr. had been one of the people who mentioned it to him when he had attended the wedding of Jeff and Maggie's daughter earlier that year. Christina Campbell had refused to invite her mother…and her brother had stealthy texted pictures to their mother all throughout the event. Jim suppressed a sigh; Maggie was needed in Manhattan…Johanna needed a friend and Jeff needed a reason to cut ties with Melanie. Maggie could take care of both of those things if she had a mind to.

Jim's gaze flicked quickly to his wife as she looked out the window. Regardless of Maggie, his wife needed more female companionship. It was a problem he pondered endlessly. She had Valerie and she talked to Martha whenever the woman had time for her but it wasn't often…and with Johanna feeling like Martha was usurping her role as Kate's mother, it wasn't a friendship she seemed to be giving encouragement to. Sharon seemed immovable; Maggie was out of reach at the moment. Colleen was hateful…as was his own sister. His sister-in-law Natalie had yet to say much on the topic, although he had noticed, just as Johanna had, that his invitations to join Michael and Natalie for dinner had dried up. He didn't really care on one hand, he had his wife seeing to his meals and keeping him fed; but on the other hand, he had hoped for more support from his family. They had always claimed to love Johanna and then when the chips were down it seemed as though they had turned their backs on them. He hadn't considered that they wouldn't be understanding of the circumstances; he had thought that they'd welcome her home…that they'd be happy for him that he had her back. He hadn't told Johanna about the moment when Michael had looked at him incredulously and asked " _you're taking her back? Everything you've gone through and you're just taking her back like nothing ever happened…like she hasn't been lying to you for over a decade and put you and Katie through hell? Are you that desperate?"_

The words had hurt; his oldest brother had always had his back and suddenly for the first time in his life, Michael had let him down. He still remembered how he had looked to Natalie, hoping that he'd find a voice of reason that would get through to Michael, but she had sat there in her chair, tight lipped and clearly in agreement with her husband. It had created a small rift between him and Michael; one that he took great pains to hide from Johanna. She carried enough guilt; she didn't need any more heaped upon her slender shoulders. Thankfully Andrew had taken the news better and remained loyal and supportive. One sibling out of four was better than nothing, especially when Andrew was in all probability the one that mattered most to him. It was just too bad that Andrew didn't have a wife who could be friends with Johanna. The cousins she had grown up with were scattered across the country; Cindy had called her a few times but she lived out of state. She had promised though to visit at Christmas. Only her cousin Morgan remained close to home, living just across the street from Bridget.

"You seem awful serious," Johanna commented, breaking through his thoughts. "Is something wrong?"

"No; nothing's wrong."

"What were you thinking about?"

"Your surprise," he said smoothly. "I hope you'll like it."

"You could just go ahead and tell me and that way you'll know in advance," she replied.

He smiled; they weren't very far from their destination, he supposed it wouldn't hurt to go ahead and tell her. "We're going to visit your Aunt Bridget."

Her head snapped towards him. "Bridget?"

"Yes…you want to see her, don't you?"

"Of course I do…I…I just don't know if she'll want to see me."

"She does," Jim remarked. "She's been waiting on you to call or come around ever since Frankie had Morgan tell her the news."

"How do you know for sure?" she asked. "Does she even know we're coming?"

"She knows," he assured. "I got Cindy's number off of your phone the other night while you were in the shower and I sent her a message asking her for Bridget's number. She sent it to me, along with Morgan's. I talked to both of them. Bridget's anxious to see you, as is Morgan but she won't be over until dinner; she wants you and Bridget to have some time together first."

"Is Bridget still living alone? Frankie says she's in good health but she's…88 now."

"She still lives alone in a manner of speaking, but from what Morgan tells me, she's not alone much. She has a housekeeper who comes in every day and of course Morgan is across the street. Morgan's children and grandchildren are nearby too and the way it sounds there's always someone in and out of Bridget's house on a daily basis. Now, I want you to know that Morgan told me to make sure you understood that she was going to put the word out to all the others to cut back on popping in, not because anyone has anything against you, because they don't and they all want to see you, but because she knows her mother will want to have you to herself as much as she can. Do you understand?"

Johanna nodded. "Yes; I understand."

"Good; I don't want you to think something that isn't true. As Morgan said, there will be plenty of other visits when everyone can come around as much as they want but this time, Bridget should get all the attention."

"Is Bridget okay?" she asked. "She's not sick is she?"

"No, sweetheart; Bridget's fine. She's in good health for a woman her age. You don't need to worry. She's looking forward to seeing you; like I said, she's been waiting."

"I would've liked to have called," Johanna admitted; "But I was afraid of upsetting her and not that I think Frankie would lie about it, I wasn't sure that her health was as good as he had been told."

"Your cousin assured me that Bridget's fine. She takes her to her doctor's appointments; her heart is strong and she doesn't have any major problems and she doesn't take a lot of medication; just a few vitamins the doctor prescribed and a pill to keep her cholesterol down. Other than that she says that she's the same as always; she stays as active as she can and her mind is sharp. You don't need to worry about upsetting her, she's fine…and she's made sure that the housekeeper has your old room ready for us."

Johanna smiled. "It's been a long time since I've slept in that room."

"You're probably long overdue…I hope it'll bring back good memories for you."

"I'm sure it will," she murmured as he took a familiar turn. They didn't have much further to go before they reached Bridget's home and she took a few minutes to get herself together. She didn't want to fall apart as soon as she saw her aunt…but she had a feeling that she might not be able to help herself.

* * *

Johanna's foot tapped against the concrete of the porch as they waited for Bridget's door to open. Jim squeezed her hand. "You don't need to be nervous; it's Bridget, she loves you."

She gave the expected nod but butterflies still filled her stomach. The door opened and an unfamiliar face peered out at them, asking if they were the guests that Mrs. Langston was expecting. She remained quiet as Jim answered that they were and he gently pulled her along with him as they stepped across the threshold once the housekeeper had stepped back to allow them in.

"Mrs. Langston is waiting for you in the living room," the housekeeper said as Jim took off his coat and hung it on the hook by the door. He held his hand out for Johanna's coat and purse and hung them on the hook beside his.

"Do you have luggage?" the woman asked.

"Yes, but I'll get it later," Jim told her. "We want to see Bridget first…as you can probably tell, my wife is a little nervous about seeing her, it's been a long time."

The housekeeper gave Johanna a sympathetic smile. "You don't need to worry; she's been anxiously awaiting your arrival."

Johanna gave her a small smile. "I hope we won't be added trouble for you."

The woman shook her head. "Not at all. Mrs. Langston often has guests; I'm used to a few extra people being around. Follow me."

They followed her, although they knew the way to the living room without the need of a guide, but they weren't about to say so. "Mrs. Langston; your guests have arrived," the housekeeper announced as she crossed the threshold of the room.

"Thank you, Marta," Bridget said warmly from her place on the sofa.

"Hello, Bridget," Jim said as he stepped into the room.

"Jim," she said fondly, sparing him a glance before her eyes hungrily searched for the sight she had been waiting on. "Did you bring me my bonus child?"

"I promised you I would, didn't I?" he said as he gently pulled Johanna into view.

Johanna's gaze locked upon her aunt; her tongue tying, preventing her from speaking. Bridget was bathed in the soft glow of sunlight that poured through the lace curtains, the scene reminding her of the elegant ladies who waited in drawing rooms to receive social calls in those historical romance novels she liked to read. Bridget had always carried an air of elegance and grace and that hadn't changed. Her face held a few more wrinkles than Johanna remembered; her hair was styled into an updo, a mixture of dark brown and gray, the colors seemingly at war with each other over which would dominate. Her green eyes were as vibrant as always, sparkling and expressive. There were tears laying in her eyes as they studied one another and Johanna felt the guilt of hurting the woman who had always been a second mother to her.

"Come here, sweet pea; let me see you," Bridget said softly; that old term of endearment filled with as much affection as it always had been.

Johanna moved toward her and kneeled down in front of her instead of taking a seat beside her. Bridget's weathered hands reached out, her fingers tracing Johanna's features, gliding softly along her cheekbones and the curve of her chin before she leaned forward and pressed a kiss against her forehead. "Thank you, Lord, for bringing Johanna home to us," Bridget murmured.

"I'm sorry," Johanna whispered, the tears breaking free as she reached for Bridget's hands and clutched them. "I'm so sorry."

'No, darling; you don't need to be sorry. It wasn't your doing. I'm grateful that you were spared and able to come home to us."

"But I hurt you," she murmured. "I hurt everyone that I love."

Bridget shook her head. "The fault doesn't lie with you, Johanna. It lies with the bastards who spread their evilness and made it necessary for you to hide. Anyone who believes that it was something you wanted or enjoyed in the biggest fool on this earth. You don't need to apologize to anyone. All you have to do is be grateful that someone somewhere saw fit to keep you safe."

"I am grateful," Johanna said; her voice gritty with emotion.

"Of course you are," her aunt remarked. "You've always been one to count your blessings. But I know that you've been having a very difficult time since coming home."

Johanna's gaze flicked to Jim, who had quietly taken a seat in the armchair near the couch. He gave her a small sheepish smile and shrugged.

"He couldn't hide it from me," Bridget said as she followed her niece's gaze. "Not with the way I demand information."

"That's true," Jim remarked. "She's either watched too many episodes of Perry Mason or she missed her calling."

The older woman's eyes gleamed with amusement. "I'll have you know that I also enjoy Matlock."

Jim gave a nod. "Me too."

Bridget smiled and then gave her attention back to her niece. "I wasn't foolish enough to believe that things were going easily for you; I do watch the news and read the paper. But I didn't realize just how badly it was until I talked to Jim."

Johanna swallowed the lump in her throat. "It's not as bad as it was."

Bridget's brow rose. "It isn't?"

Her gaze dropped to the hands she was still holding; studying the rings on her aunt's fingers until her eyes blurred with tears.

"It's been difficult," the older woman said softly. "More difficult than you ever thought it would be."

She nodded; not trusting her voice to speak.

"A good many people who were supposed to love you unconditionally have turned their backs on you."

Another nod, her fingers curling around Bridget's more tightly.

"It's a problem that you've struggled with before. Frank wasn't always the father he should've been to you. He shunned you at times…and you look at these people and see him in them regardless of whether they're related or not."

Johanna didn't answer, her gaze remaining on Bridget's hands. The woman could always read her like an open book.

"Darling, you've been through the ringer more times than a body should be. You're always paying for someone else's sins…debts you don't owe but are forced to carry. A weaker person would've crumbled from the weight long ago…but you're still standing," Bridget remarked as she bumped Johanna's chin up with her knuckle. "You're still standing."

She sniffled. "Some days I feel like I'm on my knees."

Her aunt nodded. "But you always get back up…because you're a McKenzie; and what is said about McKenzie's?"

"You can't keep a McKenzie down for long," she replied.

"That's right; and you're going to rise, Johanna. You're going to rise, don't you worry."

"I hope you're right."

"Have I ever steered you wrong?"

"No," she whispered.

Bridget smiled warmly, sympathy and understanding in her eyes. "You hurt clear down to your soul," she remarked. "I can see it in your eyes…you need your mama to help you lick your wounds; and I wish to God that I could give Naomi to you, but I can't…but I can give you me. I don't think Naomi would mind if I stepped in to do what she can't; in fact I'm sure she'd want me to, now you come up here and let me hold you."

Johanna rose from the floor and took a seat beside Bridget; the older woman pulling her into her arms as soon as she was settled. She sank into Bridget's embrace, the smell of Chanel number 5 filling her senses and reminding her of simpler times. This had been her home away from home…her second mother; these were her roots, were she had run around barefoot, wild and free during long summer stays. Her heart ached…no, more than that, her entire being ached and the sobs tore free as she remained enfolded in those familiar arms, soaking in the unconditional love that Bridget had always offered her.

Jim looked away from the women for a moment as he listened to Johanna's sobs; they seemed like they were being ripped from her soul and he hurt with her; wishing for the millionth time that he could make everything in her world quiet and peaceful, make all the hurt go away, all the fear and guilt and the thousand other feelings that plagued her and kept her awake at night. His gaze flicked back to the ladies, Bridget stroking a hand over Johanna's hair, rocking them gently.

"That's it, darling," she murmured; "You just get that all out of there and you'll start to feel better. You need a good, long, soul cleansing cry and then a good home cooked meal cooked by someone's hands that aren't yours and a good night's sleep. We'll get you feeling better again; you just go ahead and cry. Let it out; it can't hurt you if it's no longer inside."

He looked away once more; he hadn't expected Bridget to get right to the heart of things as quickly as she had; but maybe it was best that she had. Maybe it meant Johanna would be able to relax and enjoy their weekend with all of that out of the way. "I'm going to go out and get our bags out of the car," he said somewhat quietly in deference to his wife's emotional state.

Bridget nodded; "You go ahead, we'll be fine. You take the bags on up to Johanna's room; you remember which one it is, don't you?"

"I remember," he smiled as he rose from the chair; hoping that Bridget's maternal influence would be the thing his wife needed.

* * *

By the time Jim returned from taking their luggage upstairs and taking it upon himself to unpack for the both of them, Johanna was more settled; her tears dried up and her demeanor more relaxed as she remained by Bridget's side; the old woman's hand still held in hers.

"How are we doing in here?" he asked as he retook the chair he had abandoned earlier.

"I'm better now," Johanna told him. "I'm sorry."

Jim shook his head. "There's nothing to be sorry for; you must've needed to get that out."

"She did," Bridget remarked. "There's probably more in there but we'll work on it little by little…because don't think for a minute that this is going to be a one time visit."

"Oh, no, we'll definitely be back," Johanna assured. "As long you want me here, I'll be back like I always was."

"Sweet pea, I could never not want you here," Bridget replied. "You're my bonus child; you need to be here whenever you like. Morgan and her family will be coming over for dinner; she's so excited to see you."

She smiled. "I'm looking forward to seeing her too."

"They're going to make themselves scarce after tonight; I'm going to monopolize you this time," her aunt told her. "But they'll be back before you leave; not that we're in any hurry to discuss you leaving. I'm so glad you're here."

"I'm glad too…I've missed you; I've missed it here."

"Well now that you're living in New York again, you won't have to miss me as much," Bridget told her. "You can just pick up the phone or get in the car…because I do expect phone calls as well as visits."

Johanna laughed softly. "I'll call you; I promise."

"You better; because if you don't; I will find a ride into the city to take you to task about it."

"Call me, I'll come get you just so I can watch," Jim commented.

Bridget's eyes sparkled with amusement as she glanced to him and then back to her niece. "He never changes, does he?"

"No; and I'm extremely grateful," she said lovingly. "I love him just the way he is."

"That's mutual," Jim told her; his gaze full of love and affection as he looked at her, sending a burst of warmth through her body.

"You two are still on your honeymoon," Bridget remarked with a soft shake of her head, a playful smile on her lips. "You two always were like this."

"You and Uncle Will seemed to always be on a honeymoon too," Johanna quipped.

"Well that's true; and besides, it's a good thing. I'm glad you two are so happy together despite what's going on in your lives."

"That stuff is just background noise," Jim stated. "As long as we're together, the rest can be dealt with."

"I agree," Johanna murmured. "And he does have good taste in vacation destinations."

Bridget laughed. "He does, doesn't he? I was so glad when he called me. I could barely sleep at all last night in anticipation of you getting here. I'm so happy to have you home."

Johanna reached for her aunt and pulled her into another hug. "I'm so glad to be here too; I love you so much, Bridget; I always have."

"I know, honey," she murmured. "I love you too; and nothing's changed about that; don't you ever doubt it or worry about it. You're here now, the rest doesn't matter. I want you to enjoy your time here this weekend; no worries about anything unpleasant finding you here. You're safe."

Johanna hugged her a little tighter. "I'm so glad," she said softly. "Everything always feels alright here…that's one of the reasons I love it here."

"Good," Bridget told her as she pulled back to look at her. "You just rest easy; you're loved and wanted here; nothing else matters."

She smiled and nodded before glancing to her husband, giving him a grateful smile for bringing her back to a place where she had always been happy. Jim gave her a wink. "See, I told you that you'd like my surprise," he told her.

"I'll never worry about your surprises again," Johanna assured warmly; although truth be told; she never really worried about the surprises he planned for her…they always turned out just right.

* * *

Kate gave every outward appearance of being relaxed while Castle navigated the traffic as they left the city. At least she was almost certain that she was giving every outward appearance of calmness. She was relaxed in the passenger seat; a glimpse at the side mirror told her that her features didn't announce to the world that she had a rock in her stomach. But she did indeed have a rock in her stomach…in fact she was sure it was bordering on boulder size. She hoped she had done the right thing by giving the green light to release the statement. Breathing deeply and exhaling slowly, she tried to ease the nerves. She thought she had made her peace with the decision ever since she spoke to her mother about it…but the second Castle had told Paula that they were heading out and to give them the head start they had talked about, the doubts returned, putting her nerves on edge. What if she had just made things worse? Kate suppressed a sigh and fished her phone out of her purse.

"Paula wouldn't have released it yet," Castle spoke; figuring that she had pulled out her phone to search for a news update.

"You gave her the green light though," she replied.

"Yes, I did; but she's giving us time to get to our destination," he remarked. "It's going to be fine."

"I know…I just…I did do the right thing, didn't I, Rick?"

He gave a nod. "Yes; I feel like you did the right thing. If you think about it, it was inevitable anyway, Kate. Eventually you were going to have to do it; at least this way it was on your own terms at a time of your own choosing."

"That's true," she sighed. "I just hope it accomplishes something other than keeping our names in the news tonight. Do you think it'll help at all?"

"Media wise, it's probably not going to help as much as you'd like it to but you may see some improvement…public wise; you will have eased the curiosity of a lot of people by finally breaking your silence. How it all goes down…well only time will tell but I'm sure the main onslaught of attention will be over before we get back."

"I hope so; the idea of being away for most of it is so very appealing."

"I thought I was the appealing aspect of this trip," Castle said lightly as he glanced at her quickly.

She smiled. "You are…you're the most appealing thing about this trip…I've looked forward to it all week."

"I'm glad," he replied. "I want us to have a nice, relaxing vacation…and just so you know, massages have already been booked. You're going to be so relaxed by the end of the weekend; you'll wonder why you were ever stressed in the first place."

Kate laughed lightly. "Can I get that in writing?"

"Just take my word for it," he assured. "Have you heard from your parents?"

"Just for a minute this morning when Dad left me a voicemail saying they were heading out; that was around 10, I believe. Once we get settled, I'll check in and make sure they got where they were going okay."

"Didn't he tell you where they were going?"

"No; he was probably afraid I'd let it slip to Mom. He said they'd done be there before we left for our trip so I'm sure their fine; but I'll make sure for my peace of mind so I can enjoy the weekend."

"Good; we're all taken care of for the weekend."

"I wish we could be taken care of every weekend; maybe it would make the weeks easier to get through," she thought out loud.

Castle smiled and patted her leg. "We'll work on it…but really; don't worry about the statement. It's going to be a little blip on the radar for a day or two and then they're going to move on to something else. There's nothing to stress over."

She blew out a breath. "I know; I promise; I'll be better when we get there."

"I know," he assured. "We'll get settled, order dinner, a nice bottle of wine and begin your stress release process."

"I can't wait," she replied. "I'm so glad we're doing this."

"Me too; and I'm still not giving up on the idea of us going to the Bahamas like we discussed before."

"We'll get there," Kate assured. "Let's just wait until this I.A. investigation isn't hanging over my head."

"I don't have a problem with that; that'll give me time to plan the best of everything the island has to offer."

"Sounds good," she remarked; "And I hope to return the favor… this summer; I'll plan a special vacation for us."

Castle reached for her hand and gave it a quick squeeze. "I'll be looking forward to it; and just so you know, as long as I'm with you, it's special, no matter where we are."

"I feel the same way," she murmured; feeling some of the tension leaving her body as the city faded behind them.

* * *

After Kate had unpacked and settled into their luxurious suite at the mountain resort Castle had chosen for their getaway, she pulled her phone from her pocket and composed a message to her father.

" _Did you get where you were going without any problems?"_ she asked.

As she waited for a reply; Kate sat down on the foot of the bed and pulled off her boots….or rather her mother's boots, she thought to herself as she looked at them; she kept forgetting to return them…somehow they just kept ending up on her feet. Her phone alerted her to a new message as she sat them aside, telling herself that she'd return them this week…if she thought about it.

" _We're fine,"_ Jim had replied. _"We didn't have any problems getting here. We're in Long Island at your mother's Aunt Bridget's house. We'll be back Monday; I have a meeting in the afternoon. Did you get to your destination okay?"_

" _Yes; we're in the mountains at that exclusive resort that opened a few years ago. They made it a point to mention that all employees sign nondisclosure agreements."_

" _Good; then you're probably safe from having your business leaked…and if it does get out, I'll sue them."_

She smiled as she read the comment. _"Thanks, Dad. How's Mom? Is she enjoying her surprise?"_

His response was slow in coming and it gave her time to wonder what was taking Castle so long. He was only downstairs ordering their dinner; but then she thought that he might've found a quiet corner to call and check in with Paula about the statement that was being released to the media. Butterflies fluttered in her stomach but she ignored them as her phone finally buzzed. Opening her father's message, she saw a picture of her mother sitting on a sofa, Bridget on one side of her, clinging to her hand and on the other said of her was a woman she recognized as being Johanna's cousin Morgan. They were laughing and she smiled in response before her gaze fell to the words her father had written.

" _She's doing good…she's very happy right now. She was emotional with Bridget at first but she settled down by the time Bridget rolled out the big dinner she had for her. Her cousin Morgan and her husband came; so did her kids and two grandchildren. She's surrounded by people who are happy to see her…she's very relaxed right now; they're watching home movies that Bridget had put on DVD; your mother's about ten years old on this one they're watching."_

" _Get copies,"_ Kate wrote back, a grin playing on her lips at the thought of it.

" _Already planned on it."_

She laughed. _"Does Mom know that?"_

" _No; I wouldn't be able to blackmail her with them if she knew I had copies."_

Kate shook her head as she read the screen, a smile playing on her lips. _"You like to live dangerously, don't you?"_

" _She's fun when she's riled."_

" _Remember that when you're sleeping in your car."_

" _She'd let me back in after an hour, she'd miss me."_

" _I'm going to stop that line of conversation there,"_ Kate typed back. _"I hope you both have a good time…and that the news won't dampen her enjoyment."_

" _Don't worry, Katie; she's not getting near a news report tonight and when she goes to sleep, I'm turning her phone off. I'm going to keep her from it as much as I can…I hope you do the same."_

" _I am…if you'd call or text and I wouldn't answer; don't panic, because I think I'm going to turn my phone off. If something's wrong, call Rick; he'll leave his on."_

" _Alright; I'll have mine on too if you need anything. Enjoy your vacation, Katie; we'll see you when we get back."_

" _Goodnight, Dad."_

" _Goodnight."_

Kate rose from the bed with the intention of going to find Castle when he walked through the door. "There you are," she said. "I was getting ready to come find you."

"I guess it's true what they say; absence does make the heart grow fonder," he quipped. "Here I was, gone mere minutes, and you're ready to launch a search party."

"Don't let it go to your head. Did you order dinner?"

"Yes; it will be here within a half hour, we'll have some time to finish settling in."

"What took so long downstairs?" she couldn't help but ask.

"I made a few calls," he answered. "I let Mother know we got here safely and I called Paula to see if she had gotten things rolling…she had just sent out the statement so I'm sure it'll be hitting the eleven o'clock news segments tonight."

She breathed deeply as she raked a hand through her hair, those butterflies making themselves known once more. "I did the right thing?" she asked softly.

Castle gave her a reassuring smile. "You did the right thing."

She gave a slight nod and then shut off her phone and held it out to him. Puzzlement furrowed his brow. "What are you doing?"

"We're here to enjoy ourselves," she replied; "And I can't do that knowing that that statement is floating around out there…and people are probably going to call. So I want you to take it, because I'm committed to having this weekend for us."

He stared at the phone in her outstretched hand, making no move to take it just yet. "What about your mom? She might want to reach out to you…what if something's wrong?"

Kate shook her head. "She's fine. I talked to Dad while you were downstairs. They're in Long Island at her aunt's house. As far as I know, Dad didn't tell anyone where they were going, with the exception of his friend Jeff, most likely. They're surrounded by family so I'm going to trust that she's safe…I'm sure that gun is shoved in her purse if there'd be cause to need it but I really don't see that happening. Dad will take care of her…she'll be fine."

"What about the precinct?" he asked.

"Ryan and Esposito can handle anything that comes up; they're big boys; they don't need me holding their hands. Take the phone, Castle…if you don't I'll be checking it every five minutes and stressing over every little thing and I don't want to do that this weekend. I just want it to be us."

"Okay," Castle said as he accepted her phone. "I'll turn mine off too."

"No…I told Dad you'd leave yours on…just in case."

He gave a nod of understanding. "You're right, we should leave at least one on, just in case we're needed somewhere. No problem."

Kate smiled. "It's just us this weekend…nothing else matters."

Castle cupped her cheek and captured her lips in a tender kiss. "I like the sound of that."

* * *

That evening as Jim stepped out of the bathroom, his gaze landed on Johanna. He smiled at the sight of her, curled up beneath the covers in that antique cherry wood sleigh bed; her book still in hand and her reading glasses still perched on her nose…but her eyes were closed, her features relaxed in slumber. His bare feet sank into the thick, lush carpeting as he moved soundlessly across the room to her side of the bed. He carefully lifted the paperback from her hand and turned down the page before lying it on the nightstand and then he gently lifted her glasses from her face and laid them down beside her book. Jim then picked up her phone from the stand and turned it off. If anyone needed to contact them, they'd have to do it through him.

After putting her phone back on the stand, Jim rounded the bed and settled into his spot next to his wife. A glance at the clock showed that it was only a little after 11 and he reached for the remote to turn on the news, curious to see if Kate's statement had hit the airwaves yet…but then he glanced at Johanna and hesitated. Turning on the television might wake her…and if Kate's statement was on the news, she'd end up not sleeping at all that night and he couldn't remember the last time she had fallen asleep this early without the aid of an over the counter pain reliever for a headache factoring into it. She needed a good night's sleep; especially when the first day of their mini vacation had relaxed her so well. Jim put the remote back on his nightstand; the news could wait. He was sure that Kate's statement would be in the newspaper in the morning and he could always check online publications on his phone. Tonight it could go on without them.

He shifted, moving so that he could brush a soft kiss against Johanna's lips. She stirred at the sensation, her body automatically moving towards his, her hand reaching for him and curling into the thin material of his t-shirt as her heavy eyelids flicked open, a sleepy smile touching her lips. "I must've fell asleep waiting on you," she murmured.

Jim smiled. "It's alright, sweetheart; you had a busy day. I just wanted to kiss you goodnight; go back to sleep."

"But we always talk before I go to sleep," she said softly, her eyes closing and then flicking open once more.

He brushed a lock of hair back from her face. "What do you want to talk about?"

She shrugged as she snuggled close to him, her ears picking up the soft sound of the wind chime that hung on the balcony. "Do you hear the windchime?"

"Yes; the wind is picking up a little."

"That's my windchime," she murmured. "I picked it out when I was eleven while shopping with Bridget."

"Did you?" he asked softly; although she had told him about it years before but he didn't mind that her hazy mind had conjured up the tale again…he was sure he had told her stories she had already heard plenty of times.

"Mhmm; it makes me think of summertime, I love it here in the summer…I've missed it," Johanna whispered; memories of childhood sweeping through her mind; those barefoot, Coppertone summers; she could still hear the sound of Motown on the radio, the splash of the pool and the smell of the barbeque that her uncle always had going on the weekend. Those had been happy times, she and her siblings mixed in with their cousins and the neighborhood kids that became friends for the duration of their stay.

"We'll come back in the summer," Jim told her, pressing a soft kiss to her head.

"That would be nice," she replied, her eyes closing once more but she held sleep at bay, allowing other memories to sweep in. This place wasn't only a connection her childhood; there were memories with Jim here too. "Do you remember the first time you brought me here?" she asked.

"Yeah; I was coming out here to see a friend of my father's about car parts. You were out of sorts because of Sharon and her constant chatter about her engagement."

"We had dinner here with Bridget; one of our very few stress free meals with a family member in those pre-dating days," she quipped.

Jim chuckled quietly. "That's true. We had a pretty good talk in the car while watching the sunset over the ocean too that day."

"I remember," Johanna murmured. "That's why I always say there's something about us and cars."

"Let's face it, sweetheart; there's just something about us, period."

"True," she said with a soft laugh; "Especially if we're out of town. Remember when Bridget let us come here when we were engaged and fed up with wedding plans and family and just in desperate need for a long weekend alone?"

"I remember," he told her. "I believe she and Will were going somewhere for a business convention of his and she told us we could house sit…and she told your cousins to stay away from us and let us be."

"And they listened…and our parents didn't know where we ran off to. It was so good, wasn't it?"

"It was," Jim agreed. "It was like a little pre-wedding honeymoon."

"We have good memories here," Johanna said softly. "We brought Katie here a lot too."

"Yeah we did…this was also the place you ran too when you took Katie and left me for a weekend when she was about 4 months old."

She smiled. "Yes; that's true…I ran away from home."

He laughed. "But not before you told me off in front of my mother."

"You deserved it," she remarked; amusement in her tone. "I took my baby and left you in your house that you felt was too messy."

"You did…you left me in that house, with baskets full of laundry that needed done…"

"I sure did," she giggled. "And a grocery list on the refrigerator."

Jim laughed quietly as he held her a little tighter. "It didn't take me long to learn the error of my ways."

"I was hoping it wouldn't…especially with not knowing where we went."

"I was convinced that your mother was hiding you out."

She gave a soft laugh. "I know; she told me about your phone calls and your drive by."

Jim was quiet for a moment, his fingers threading through her hair. "Did your mother know where you were?" he finally asked.

Johanna glanced at him. "Of course she did; I knew I could trust her."

"I had a feeling she was giving me the run around."

"She's my mother, what did you expect? Your mother would've done the same for you."

"That's true," he agreed.

"I was mad at you…but I missed you too," Johanna said sleepily.

Jim kissed the top of her head. "I know, sweetheart; it all worked out. You go back to sleep now; I don't think you can keep your eyes open another moment."

She gave him a tired smile and a quick kiss, mumbling her agreement as she went back to sleep snuggled against his side. Jim breathed deeply; drinking in the moment; he had made the right choice in bringing her here.

* * *

When Jim stepped through the doorway of the bathroom and back into the bedroom that morning, he saw that Johanna had rolled over into his spot. He smiled. She was curled up in the patch of morning sunlight that pierced through the gauzy curtains of the window and the French door that led out to a small balcony. He moved to the bed, tucking the covers around her more securely before he perched on the edge. She didn't flinch or give any indication that she registered his presence. Jim brushed back her hair and softly kissed her forehead. She stirred slightly but remained asleep; her features relaxed and peaceful, her breathing even, letting him know that her dreams weren't tormenting her. He continued to study her; there were times even in her sleep when her face would hold the look of tension and more often then not she slept lightly, jerking awake at every little sound.

Jim was glad to see that she was getting a restful sleep. She had always been a bit of an insomniac, able to run on a few hours sleep when the occasion called for it. But with all the stress she was under, he wanted her to get as much rest as she could so that the pressure wouldn't make her sick. He pressed a soft kiss to her cheek and then carefully rose, taking care not to disturb her. Jim headed for the door; he had heard Bridget up moving around an hour before and he figured that meant there was the possibility of fresh coffee downstairs.

When he reached the bottom of the stairs, Jim could hear someone in the kitchen and the smell of coffee brewing drew him in that direction.

"Good morning, Jim," Bridget said as he stepped into view.

"Good morning," he answered, taking a seat on one of the stools at the island where Bridget was cracking eggs into a bowl. "I figured you probably left the cooking up to your housekeeper now."

"I cooked the dinner you ate last night," she remarked.

"I know, but I thought that was just a special occasion thing."

"Well it's not," Bridget replied. "Why would I want to give up cooking my own meals when I'm still more than capable of doing the job myself? Do you think just because I'm 88 I should sit in the corner?"

"No," he smiled.

"I should hope not. I have Marta here to help keep up with the house because it is large and too much for one old woman to clean; but sitting in the corner and being waited on hand and foot isn't going to keep me active and keep my blood pumping. I intend to remain on this earth as long as possible, and to do that, I have to keep moving, stay as healthy as I can and keep my mind sharp. I'm doing all those things. I gave up driving a few years ago, but when I need to go out Morgan takes me or one of the grandchildren, but mark my words, young man, when I go out, I do my own shopping and my own errands. I don't sit in the car like some old people and wait while someone else does it."

Jim laughed. "You do realize that I'm in my early sixites, right?"

Bridget smirked at him. "Yes; but I'm old enough to be your mother so that still makes you a young man in my mind."

"I appreciate that."

"Do you feel like you're getting old, Jim?"

"Honestly; no, not yet. I still do everything I always have. I'm still healthy and hope to remain that way. I don't give it much thought; I just go on doing what I always do. Johanna's the same way."

"That's the best way to be," Bridge proclaimed. "You only get old if you make yourself by sitting around and accepting it. I still tend to my garden, I still go to festivals, I go on vacations with my children, I have some friends I go to a book club with and I've even taken some of those classes that the library offers. I keep myself occupied and don't think too much about my age. I'll never give up cooking, that's for sure."

"I'm glad to hear that," he remarked. "I assumed that part of the deal of me bringing Jo to you was that I'd be fed well in return."

She laughed. "Don't I always feed you well?"

"Yes; that's one of the reasons I was glad to come."

Bridget smiled as she turned toward the counter where the coffee pot was. "Do you still take your coffee black?"

"Yes."

"Just like my Will," she commented. "Will wouldn't hear of having anything in his coffee."

"I remember," Jim replied.

Bridget set a cup of coffee down in front of him and then returned to her preparations for breakfast. "Is Johanna still sleeping?"

"Yeah; there's a patch of sunlight hitting the bed and she's curled up in it like a content sleepy kitten."

"I'm surprised you don't call her kitten since you've always been fond of her green eyes."

Jim smiled behind the rim of his coffee cup as he raised it to take a sip. "I do love her eyes," he remarked.

"I know; you love everything about her, as a good husband should. I'm not surprised that she's sleeping in this morning, I expected her to. I'll keep her plate warm in the oven. She had a good soul cleansing cry and a nice meal with family. That sort of release is exhausting...and she's going to need more than just one. Johanna is a strong woman; but even strong women are fragile at times. She's fragile right now…with good reason of course. The poor thing has been through hell and it makes me so angry. It's going to take time for her to heal and move on from this. She's going to need a lot of patience and a lot of good cries."

"I know," Jim answered; "I am patient with her…and she does cry a good bit."

"Crying like she did yesterday?"

"No; I wouldn't say it's been on that scale…I mean a few times she's cried like that but not often…that she's shown me."

Bridget nodded. "She probably cries more than you think; we women try to hide our tears when we can. Don't feel like it's a bad thing that she cries easily, Jim; it's how she copes. It's better for her to get it out."

He gave a nod; it made sense and somewhere inside he had known that all along…but sometimes he did worry, sometimes he did get a little frustrated with how easily she could dissolve into tears at times. But if he was in her place, he'd probably cry too…how could you not?

"She needs family," Bridget went on. "All the family she can get. I'm sure you know that I won't be out of touch; I'll be calling her and expecting her to call me…and I'll be expecting more visits too."

"You know we'll be back," he told her. "Jo was saying last night how much she's missed it here in the summer."

"It's nice in the spring as well," Bridget hinted.

"We'll be here," he smiled.

"Good; I'm so glad she's finally come…I've been waiting on her."

"She's wanted to talk to you, Bridget, but honestly at first, she wasn't sure anyone was left that had known her since the day she was born with the exception of Frankie; and she wasn't certain where her cousins were now."

"I understand," she replied.

"Then when Frankie told her you were here, she did want to talk to you, but…"

"But she was afraid that at my age I might not take it well."

He nodded. "She wasn't sure what your health was like; Frankie said you were fine but she wasn't sure if he knew everything he should. Then Cindy got a hold of her and also assured her that you were fine but I think she was still afraid…not for the same reasons but because a lot of people have reacted badly."

"I understand her reasons and her fear," she answered; "I'm not holding it against her; I'd feel the same way. What matters is that we've been reunited and I don't intend to let go of her. I have no doubt that Morgan and Cindy will stay in touch with phone calls and emails; with them not being in the city they won't always be able to be there for her in person but they'll be there just the same in any way they can be. I know she has you and Katie; although from what you told me, things can be rocky with Katie; but that's the way between mothers and daughters at times; it'll probably get worse before it balances out and evens back into a stable relationship that's been more properly healed."

"Is psychology one of those classes at the library?" Jim asked lightly.

Bridget laughed as she turned down the heat for the eggs and dropped some bread into the toaster. "No, dear; that's called life experience…and maybe I've watched a lot of talk shows as well. I'm glad to hear that Frankie has stepped up and is being the good brother I always knew he could be in a full time capacity. I'm sure Valerie's a comfort to Johanna as well."

"They both are; Frankie's been very caring toward her…and I guess that surprises me in some ways and maybe it shouldn't. Their relationship was never really all that bad; except in childhood from what I hear; but in the time I've been with Jo, the only times he was really extremely hostile with her was after the death of each parent…especially after Naomi died. It all went to hell then. I guess I remember how bad that was and it colors everything I knew about their relationship."

Her head bobbed in understanding. "Those were the worst moments of their relationship. In childhood it could be bad between them at times and I believe he succeeded in making his sister think that he hated her, but they evened out in adulthood and settled down into a mostly companionable brother-sister relationship…until Frank died; but they got through that bump. Naomi's passing was a completely different story as you said. He's probably had a lot of time to think about that and realized how much his sister means to him."

"I'm glad for it; and I know she is. They talked on the phone at first but then he came and seen her and she was so happy about that."

"And Colleen? You said she took it badly but you didn't give specifics."

Jim sighed and told her about Colleen's reaction when Kate broke the news to her and about how things had gone when Johanna had run in to her at the cemetery while visiting Naomi's grave.

Bridget shook her head, anger on her face. "That little brat; you just wait until I get a hold of her. She's going to get a piece of my mind. I don't know who the hell she thinks she is but I assure you that I will remind her that she doesn't sit on a pedestal anymore than anyone else does."

"She always has seemed to think she was some sort of queen."

"She's sadly mistaken."

"Sharon hasn't helped matters either," Jim commented; he had told her about Sharon's initial reaction and then her promise to call and how she never had. He checked behind him, making sure that his wife hadn't slipped downstairs without his notice and then he whispered to Bridget about his visit to Sharon.

"I can't believe that Sharon has turned her back on her," Bridget murmured as she carried the plates to the table, Jim following behind her. "That one surprises me more than Colleen. I don't know who she thinks she is either; and to think that she's been in my home and has enjoyed my hospitality. How dare her sit in judgment. Johanna was the best friend she could've had. She ought to be grateful that she was spared the fate that some wanted for her. I just don't understand this. Why are people being like this? She needs family; she doesn't need to be shunned or shamed. They act like this was something she enjoyed."

"I don't understand it either," he replied. "My family hasn't been any better. Andrew's coming to visit soon; he's about the only one, besides our nieces and nephews, to show support and understanding. I know she's lonely without her girlfriends to go shopping with and things like that, although she isn't big on leaving the house right now. I'm sure Valerie will go with her when she isn't watching Ally, and when Jo's more comfortable going out, but she still needs her friends too."

"Of course she does; she needs all the support she can get right now. Gather around anyone you can, it'll help; it will make her feel like less of a social pariah. I'm sure there's more family willing to show their love and support, they just have to be reached out to and made to know that they're welcome to come around."

"I'm working on it; you were first on my list."

"As I should be," Bridget said with amusement before turning serious again. "Our girl needs patience, family, and lots of love to get her through this. She'll heal and feel better, she'll make her peace one day, but it's going to take time."

"I know."

Bridget gave him a soft smile. "She'll be okay; it'll be hard but she'll make it through."

He returned her smile and nodded; giving his attention back to his breakfast as Marta came in the back door, the newspaper she had collected from the porch in her hand.

Bridget chatted with her housekeeper until the woman announced that she better get to work. "Hold off on the vacuuming," she told her. "My niece is still sleeping; she's been going through a difficult time and she needs her rest."

Marta nodded in understanding. "I won't disturb her, Mrs. Langston. I'll work downstairs until she's up and ready for the day. There's no hurry."

Jim had a feeling that Bridget had informed her housekeeper of certain details; as she didn't question anything and seemed very understanding. He was also sure that she had most likely made her swear to keep anything she knew to herself.

With Marta on her way to start the cleaning, Bridget unrolled the newspaper, noticing that Jim was eyeing it somewhat anxiously. "Is there something you're anticipating?" she asked.

"Katie was releasing a statement to the media last night," he answered. "I'm wondering if it made the deadline for the newspapers."

Bridget handed him the paper. "Go ahead and look for it, you'll probably find it faster than I will. Did Johanna know that Katie was releasing a statement?"

"She knows but neither one of us knows exactly what it says. I'm afraid my daughter isn't big on sharing details."

"Apparently not, from what you've told me on the phone," she stated. "Is it in there?"

Jim's gaze finally found what sought on the bottom of the first page. "It's here."

"Read it to me."

Jim read the parts dealing with Adam Bracken and the I.A. investigation and then paused.

"Is that all?" Bridget asked.

"No; she's got a part here about Johanna."

"Well let's have it."

" _My relationship with my mother has been cause of great discussion and while I don't feel I owe anyone an accounting of my relations with my family, I will say once more that I love my mother and I'm so grateful that her life was spared, that she still walks this earth with me. I'm so glad to have her home, to have her back in my life and my father's life as well. We were incomplete without her, and nothing can make us regret her return or the actions she had to take to stay alive. She belongs here with us, where she is loved and needed. I admit that I hadn't yet informed her of the investigation and that was wrong, but like any daughter, I hoped only to spare her from worry as I know she worries enough about me given my profession and the simple fact that no matter how old I am, I'll always be her child. I reacted badly to the news of her treatment at the hands of the media who pursued her while she was out shopping. I was angry that certain members of the media went out of their way to cause her distress and then filmed her during what should've been a private moment. I will never understand how someone could treat my mother so callously…or anyone's mother for that matter. For the record, once and for all; my mother and I speak on a daily basis and see each other often. You may not see us together in public at the moment but it doesn't make it any less true. We would both appreciate it if you'd respect our privacy at this difficult time in our lives as we move forward and continue to heal from the pain that has been inflicted upon our family."_

"That should make Johanna feel better," Bridget remarked once he finished.

"Maybe," he murmured.

"Maybe? What gives you doubts?"

"Katie mentioned that she wanted to take her shopping when we get back and Jo felt like there was something behind that idea for it to come up so suddenly."

Bridget's eyes lit up with understanding. "You think Johanna might think that Katie is taking her out to prove her statement true?"

"Knowing my wife," Jim said with a nod; "Yes; I think that's exactly the conclusion she's going to come to…and worse; I can't say I'd really blame her for it. I know Katie loves her…but she keeps doing this subtle push and pull thing with her; when she needs her, she wants her; when she doesn't need her, she doesn't really want to be bothered. I know they have a new period of adjustment to go through now that their not living together; but I think sometimes it hits Jo kind of hard…she's kind of convinced that Rick's mother is taking her place in Katie's life."

"Oh my," the old woman said; "There isn't a worse feeling to a mother than to have an inkling that she's being replaced in a maternal sense by someone else…it's probably making her want to hold on tighter and Katie's probably pulling away even more."

"I don't know what to do," he admitted. "I tried talking to Katie; asked her to spend a little time with her mother, just at least one day every few weeks, just the two of them, but she didn't seem to like that idea."

"So now that the curtain has come down on the main part of the show; it's really mainly up to you to help Johanna get back on her feet and work on the issues that's gotten to surface in the aftermath."

"Pretty much," he said with a nod. "But it's okay; I can take care of her on my own. We'll get through it."

"I'm sure you will…but it might take more than just you to get her back to where she needs to be."

"I know she needs more people around; but I've got this," Jim said with a smile.

Bridget gave him a smile and patted his hand; she was sure that he thought he could do it all; vanquish every demon that Johanna struggled with, put all of her pieces back together…and for the most part, she was sure that he could…but not all of it. They were still in the honeymoon bubble of their reunion; the stress hadn't gotten to him yet and she was sure there were probably feelings and thoughts that both of them were sweeping under the rug. Eventually those things were going to come out, and when it did, there was going to be tension and Johanna would need someone to confide in; she'd need old habits of the life she had lived prior to her stint in witness protection. She needed a best friend.

"Since Sharon is being so obtuse," she suggested gently; "Perhaps you should think about finding one of her other gal pals…test the water and see if you can bring one around for her. It would help a great deal."

"I'll see what I can do," Jim told her; the thought of Maggie coming to mind. He just wasn't sure if he could broach that topic with his best friend…but for Johanna, he might have to.

* * *

A little over an hour later, Johanna appeared in the kitchen, clad in her favorite jeans and the soft emerald green top that she knew her husband liked to see her in. He smiled at the sight of her. "Did you finally roll out of bed, Sassy?" he asked lightly.

"Mhmm," she answered while brushing a kiss against his temple. "Why didn't you wake me?"

"Because you looked too comfortable and there was no reason to wake you."

"You're on vacation," Bridget added from where she was standing at the kitchen sink. "You're supposed to sleep in."

"Good morning, Bridget," Johanna replied.

"Good morning, dear; you slept well?"

"Yes; I always do when I'm here."

"Good," her aunt replied warmly. "Are you ready for breakfast? I kept a plate warm for you in the oven."

"Yes; please," she answered, moving in her aunt's direction.

"I'll get your plate, you get your drink. The coffee is brewed or there's juice in the fridge."

Johanna poured herself a glass of orange juice and then accepted her plate and silverware from Bridget. "Thank you," she said warmly. "And since I'm sure Jim already ate, thank you for feeding my husband while I slept in; I wouldn't have wanted him to be deprived of a hot meal."

Bridget laughed. "You're welcome, sweet pea. You eat all of that now, we can't have you not taking care of yourself, now can we, Jim?"

"I keep an eye on her," he replied. "But if she gets out of line, I'll bring her out here to you so you can straighten her out."

"You do that," Bridget told him. "I'd get the job done."

"I'm fine," Johanna assured. "Believe me, if I lost an ounce, Jim would be the first one shoving a burger down my throat whether I was hungry or not."

"That's the way it should be," her aunt declared. "You can't afford to lose any ounces."

She scoffed. "I was a few pounds lighter before I had Katie."

Bridget nodded. "I know; you were too skinny. Those few miniscule pounds you held onto after having Katie filled you out a little more and look good on you. Keep it that way."

"That's what I tell her," Jim stated. "I don't know why she was ever bothered by those pounds in the first place."

"I'm not bothered by them anymore," Johanna replied. "I've gotten use to them in the past 32 years."

"Like it was really a lot to get use to," Jim said with a short laugh. "You only had to get rid of a few pieces of your wardrobe; the rest still fit."

"You should thank God for that; I didn't have to go on a shopping spree with the credit card."

Her husband nodded. "You're right, I'm thankful."

With that matter settled, Johanna turned her attention to her aunt. "You mentioned last night that you'd like to go out today; what do you have in mind?"

Bridget carried her freshly prepared cup of tea to the table and joined them. "I thought maybe we could do some shopping…we'll have Jim be our chauffer and bag carrier."

Johanna glanced at her husband and smiled. "Are you game, honey?"

"As long as you don't leave me sitting outside a dressing room all day with your purse."

"Word of honor," she replied.

"Oh and we should stop by the fall festival going on this weekend," Bridget exclaimed.

"Definitely," her niece replied. "I always loved the festivals here."

"I'll treat you ladies to lunch and dinner while we're out," Jim remarked.

"Isn't he a gentleman," Bridget quipped.

Johanna gave him a grin. "Knowing him, he's just worried about starving."

"That's true," Jim said as he played along. "But now I can disguise it behind being a gentleman."

"Worked out for you nicely," she said after she swallowed a bite of her eggs. "Is Katie's statement in the newspaper?"

The sudden shift of topic caught him off guard and he hesitated for a moment. "I thought maybe you had forgotten about that."

She gave a short laugh as she glanced at him. "Yeah, right. Where's the newspaper? I'd like to know what she said exactly so I don't end up blindsided by anything; she gave me a basic idea but didn't go into any details…or is there something in there you want to keep from me?"

"No; I'm not keeping anything from you," he answered as he reached for the newspaper that was lying on the seat of the occupied chair. "It's at the bottom of the front page."

Jim and Bridget shared a look as Johanna read the short article and the statement that Kate had released. When she finished, she turned a few pages as if looking for something but clearly didn't find it as she folded the paper and set it aside.

"Weren't there any reactions?" she asked, sensing the eyes upon her.

"Not in the newspaper," Jim replied. "It was probably too close to the deadline to collect responses. I don't know about any other outlets…and I'm not overly concerned about it."

Johanna nodded. "No news is good news."

"Aren't you going to say anything about the statement?" he asked.

Her gaze flicked to his. "She did a good job; it's very professional sounding about the I.A. investigation and doesn't take the jabs at Adam Bracken that she'd probably like to take. I think she handled it well."

"What about the part about you?"

She took a breath and reached for her glass of orange juice, taking a sip to buy some time. "What do you want me to say?" she asked.

"Anything," Jim said cautiously.

"It was nice," she said slowly. "Some people still aren't going to believe her but it was nice of her to mention me."

"I sense a 'but'," her husband stated.

She sighed; he wasn't going to let her get out of saying it. "I see a shopping trip in my future," she said quietly. "She made mention of us not being seen together in her statement, but I know she's going to want us to be seen together now so she can prove that she's not lying…which is what I suspected when she first brought it up."

"It might not be the reason you'd like," Bridget said gently; "But perhaps it'll remind her that she likes to spend a little time with you doing some shopping and it'll become a more regular habit for the right reasons."

Johanna conjured up a smile. "Maybe; but I'm not going to worry about it right now. I'll worry about it when this trip actually materializes. I promised my husband I'd be relaxed this weekend…so I'm just not going to think about it."

"Good girl," Bridget said as she patted her hand. "Shall we get started after you've finished your breakfast?"

"Absolutely," she smiled.

"Alright then," her aunt replied happily. "I'll go start getting ready."

"I won't be much longer," Johanna promised as her aunt got up from the table.

"Take your time, dear; I'm in no rush," the old woman answered before leaving the room.

"Are you okay?" Jim asked once they were alone.

"Yeah; why wouldn't I be?"

"I don't know…you didn't seem to have much of a reaction to Katie's statement."

"There's not much to say, Jim. I just hope it helps to get them off her back some…and if going on a public outing together will help even more to get them to let her alone, then I'm going to go, no matter what, because I owe that to her and I love her. But I don't want to think about all of that right now. We're on vacation; and you said Katie had arrived safely at her destination so there's no need to worry about her being caught in a frenzy today. Let's just go out with Bridget and enjoy ourselves…I feel like we can probably be a bit more anonymous here than at home."

"Alright, sweetheart," he replied as he got up to put his mug in the sink, pausing long enough to kiss the top of her head. "I'm glad you're okay with what she said and that nothing's bothering you."

She smiled. "I'm fine; and I'm so happy to be here. Thank you for planning this; it was the perfect surprise."

"You're welcome," Jim told her. "I'm glad it worked out the way I hoped."

* * *

That evening after Bridget had gone to bed early; tired from their day out enjoying the town, and Jim had found a football game on TV to be absorbed in, Johanna gathered her clothes and prepared for a long soak in a hot bubble bath. She glanced subtly at her husband as he laid on his side of the bed, his eyes and concentration on the screen…he wasn't paying her any attention, which was what she wanted for the moment as she quickly and quietly slipped her phone off of the nightstand without his notice and hid it amongst the items of clothing she carried. It seemed silly to have to sneak her own phone from the room, she thought to herself as she headed for the bathroom door; but she knew that Jim wanted her to stay disconnected from the world for the weekend…which was why he had turned her phone off the night before.

She didn't like to feel like she was being sneaky…but she couldn't stay disconnected; there was something she needed to check on and it couldn't wait until they got back to the city.

"See you in an hour," Jim said, his voice startling her as Johanna's hand fell against the bathroom door handle.

"What?" she asked, gripping her phone to keep it from slipping from it's hiding place.

Her husband smiled. "You said you were going to take a bubble bath; that usually means you're going to be in the tub for at least an hour."

Johanna gave a slight nod of acknowledgement as she smiled. "I guess that's true; enjoy your game."

"Enjoy your bubbles," he told her; his gaze shifting back to the TV as a whistle blew on the screen.

"I intend to," she said as she quickly slipped into the bathroom and shut the door. A nice long soak was just what she needed to add to the relaxation of her weekend…it would also give her time to do a little online browsing; which might or might not be relaxing but she'd have to take her chances.

* * *

As Johanna sank into her bubble bath, she sighed, her eyes closing as she savored the feel of the hot water lapping against her skin and the scent of strawberry bubbles filling her senses. The bubbles had been a gift from her husband; one of those items he had lovingly bought in preparation of her move from Kate's apartment back to their own home. She leaned her head back against the tub, her eyes still closed as she slid down a little further in the water. She greatly appreciated the gift of bubbles…especially the fact that he had found a pleasing strawberry scent that nearly matched her soap. She also appreciated Bridget's large, claw foot bathtub that had been crafted with indulgence in mind. She had dimmed the lights since she had no candles to light but it was the perfect, soothing bath she had sought…almost.

A weighted breath slipped from her lips. It would be perfect if she had a glass of wine.

Johanna's fingers curled around the edge of the tub, a longing for a glass of red wine coursing through her. In the past, almost all of her bubble baths had been accompanied by a glass of wine. It had been Jim who had gotten her into that habit back when they had been engaged. He had wanted to help her through a bad day…and it had helped…and so she had stuck with it through the years; and on the occasion when she'd forget to pour a glass, her thoughtful husband would pour it and bring it to her…and sometimes he'd sit down on the floor by the tub and listen to her unload the million things on her mind as she sipped her wine and soaked in her bubbles. It always helped…and it still helped on those few rare occasions when she'd ask her daughter to allow her the solitude of a bubble bath and a glass of wine while staying with her. But those days were over; she couldn't have a bottle of wine in the house, she wouldn't dare have anything that might tempt Jim into old habits.

But still, she wanted a glass of wine. She didn't _need_ it…but she wanted it and she missed it. She wasn't a fool; she knew that she had drank far too much of it at times in Wyoming but it seemed like she always knew when to pull herself back before she headed down the dangerous road of feeling as though she did need it to get through life. Returning to New York had returned her to normal habits; while staying with her daughter, she and Kate would have a glass of wine in the evening once in awhile…sometimes if she felt particularly bad, she'd have half a glass more but she had always been that way; always able to stick to a limit she imposed on herself. But she and Kate always waited until Jim had gone home before they opened the bottle…and before he returned the next morning, the wine glasses were washed and put away with the bottle so he was none the wiser.

She didn't want to overindulge; she didn't want to get drunk, she didn't even want to drink every day…she just wanted one glass, once in awhile. But she couldn't have one and she knew that; just as she knew it was her fault that she couldn't have that small indulgence. She was to blame for Jim's issues with alcohol and it was only fair that she give it up too. Oh she knew he had told her that she could order a glass when they went out to dinner; had assured her that it was fine and he wouldn't be bothered by it…but to do so felt disrespectful…it felt like she wasn't being supportive of him and his recovery that he'd already had to achieve without her help; and so she passed anytime she was offered the wine list in a restaurant.

Johanna gave a slight shake of her head; it didn't matter, she didn't need a glass of wine; her husband and his health was far more important than her silly yearning for a liquid indulgence. She had other problems…real problems…problems no glass of wine would solve. With that thought in mind, she opened her eyes and reached for the towel she had lying close by so she could dry her hands before reaching for her phone.

She touched the screen and woke up the phone, praying that she wouldn't drop it into the water as she opened the browser and quickly found Vixen's blog. A touch of impatience gnawed at her as she waited for the page to load; anxious to find out if her adversary had updated the page with any news about their absence from the city along with Katie's statement. When the page loaded, she saw that Vixen did indeed have an update to share with the world.

" _Is Running Away a Habit?"_ the new post was titled and Johanna felt the fire of her temper flicker in her veins. She had to tamp down the feeling and focus her mind on reading what the witch had to say.

 _Kate Beckett finally broke her silence with a statement to the media, conveniently dropped in the mid evening to make the late night news cycle, sparing her the presence of hungry journalists who are left unsatisfied with her words. The detective daughter of prodigal lawyer, Johanna Beckett, offered little in the way of answers regarding the case that she and her mother are embroiled in and only made a generic statement regarding the investigation she is facing from Internal Affairs, which begs the question; why bother saying anything at all? Oh sure, we know the legal mumbo jumbo about not saying too much about open cases, but really; couldn't she have done better?_

 _The meatier part of the statement, the mention of her relationship with her dear mother; the woman who spent thirteen years lying to her, the woman who led her to mourn over an empty grave, seemed to be part sincerity and part fakeness, which is only right, after all, it has to match the photo they released of the two of them together. Darling daughter admitted that she left mama out of the loop concerning the IA investigation; claiming she wanted to spare her some worry…looks like that backfired on her. She also mentions her attack on a photographer for mistreating her mother while giving her the news about the investigation but she doesn't utter one word of apology for it…not very professional, now is it? She also claims that she's so glad to have her mother back and that just because they aren't see together doesn't mean anything…dear, dear, Katie; you really aren't that dense are you? Surely you inherited some iota of intelligence from your father, who has known much success in his field which indicates he's a man of high intelligence…even if he does have questionable taste in picking a wife. Of course not being seen with your saintly mother means something…it means you don't want to be seen with her, and really who could blame you, but why put on such an act when you're so unsuited to be an actress? You must've inherited lying from your mother._

Johanna's jaw tightened; her teeth clenched so tightly that she had to force herself to relax to keep from cracking them. She took a breath, closing her eyes as she clutched the phone tightly; she'd find that bitch if it was the last thing she ever did. She also noted that once again the author was identifying her daughter as 'Katie' and she wasn't sure if it was because the culprit, who she still suspected of being a former colleague was used to thinking of her child in that term or if she was doing it to be condescending…or both. She blew out a breath in a huff and scrolled down the screen, it looked like Vixen had a lot to say today.

" _The NYPD cover girl must not have left her mama out of the loop this time (regarding her release of a statement to the media); a lesson learned, one supposes, but I digress. Reliable sources tell me that Johanna Beckett and her doting husband Jim were seen loading luggage into the trunk of Mrs. Beckett's red Mustang yesterday morning. The source added that the Becketts were gone by noon and haven't been seen since. Is it a coincidence that the reunited love birds flew the coop the very same day that their daughter releases a statement to the media? I think not._

Johanna smirked at the screen; so the bitch did know that they had left…that had been what she was looking for when she logged on to the blog; wanting to know how long it took for the blogger to note their absence. Clearly one of her neighbors must be on Vixen's payroll or was somehow connected to her. It wasn't a nice thought but it wasn't one she hadn't had before, after all, Vixen had been aware of her run with Kate a few days before.

" _Where, oh where, did Johanna Beckett run to now?"_ Vixen continued. _"Can't that woman face anything? I suppose her husband is lucky she took him with her this time; after all, he got left behind the last time; abandoned by the wife who always claimed such devotion to him; alone to pine for her for over a decade before she came sweeping back home with her woe is me tale about fleeing for her life. The poor man must really be besotted with her to put up with so much; after all, she did send him into a downward spiral after her staged death. It's always sad to see such an intelligent man taken in by such a creature, but some people refuse to learn."_

Her heart thudded against her ribs; Vixen had attacked with a well placed kick. The remark about abandonment struck the hardest, the guilt rising up and threatening to consume her for a moment before she pushed it down and replaced the feeling with anger over the way Vixen looked down on her husband for his love and loyalty. Every snide remark she made only made her want to find the mystery blogger more but she had to bide her time…she had to wait and carefully bait the trap. Patience would be a virtue in this case; she had to keep calm and stayed focused. Johanna expelled a few deep breaths and then went back to reading.

" _One has to wonder if this habit of running away is one she was born with…after all, she's been known to flee parties where she isn't getting enough attention, she's left meals where she can't handle the heat, and during the downsizing of the law firm she and her husband both belonged to, she wrapped up her case load and quit before being handed a pink slip; and of course, most famously, she has run away from her entire life when work spiraled out of her control due to her foolishness and inability to pull herself from the fire. Probably if someone dug deep enough, they'd find that little Johanna Beckett probably ran away from home every other week as a child. It doesn't take a genius to connect the dots; chastened daughter gives the heads up that she's releasing a statement and Johanna packs her bags to head out for awhile with no indication of where she and her husband may be or when they'll be back. Perhaps she's returned to her witness protection hideaway, somewhere in the state of Wyoming, according to sources; or maybe she's tired of the western scenery and she and her darling hubby have headed to the mountains where they own a little vacation home. Or perhaps they have some new hiding spot; wherever they are, I hope no one feeds her pecans; she's allergic…much like she's allergic to staying put and facing the music."_

The remark about her allergy to pecans stole her breath and the phone began to slide from her fingers. Johanna fumbled with the device but caught it before it hit the water, her eyes staring at that final line. Another piece of personal information that not everyone was privy to…that information was regulated to family and close friends; it wasn't something she shared with the world. She tried to wrack her brain to figure out who all knew about the issue; everyone in her family knew of course, so did Jim's family…so did Sharon and Maggie and anyone else that had been a part of their inner circle that she might've told. She was so sure that Vixen was a former colleague with the amount of information she had about her career and her life with Jim, the pictures of law firm parties ect…but there was also the fact that Vixen knew about her fear of heights, her allergy to pecans, the way she called her daughter Katie...Jim's cabin in the mountains, personal little touches that might not mean anything to some people, but they leapt out of the page at her.

How many more details were going to come to light about her personal life? Vixen had to be connected to her from the law firm…it had to have been one of her enemies from that time period…but she wouldn't share tidbits about food allergies and a vacation home with an adversary…so was her assumption wrong? She thought she had narrowed down the pool of possibilities…but what if it was a former friend? Sharon had knowledge of all of these things about her…would her former best friend really stoop so low? Her stomach twisted at the thought and she quickly pushed it away although she kept in mind that the pool of suspects had widened once again. If it wasn't a former friend behind the blog, then it had to be an enemy like she had first figured out…and if it was an enemy, then they had to be getting their information from somewhere.

Johanna closed her eyes as a very real possibility formed in her mind. Vixen was an enemy of the past like she thought…but she wasn't doing this alone. Vixen had a partner…worse yet; her partner in crime had to be a close friend or a family member. Everyone she had cleared of suspicion was now back under that net. What the hell was she going to do now?

She opened her eyes, suppressing a groan. She could really go for that glass of wine right now, she thought as she pondered a response to Vixen's new post.

A knock on the door startled her, causing her to grip the phone to keep it from plunging into the sea of bubbles. "What?" she asked.

"You better not be on news sites in there," Jim called through the closed door.

"I don't know what you're talking about," Johanna replied.

"Your phone is missing from the nightstand; I know you took it in there with you. I don't want you on news sites, Johanna. This is your vacation; you're supposed to be relaxing, not tormenting yourself."

"I'm not, honey. I'm browsing Macy's website."

Jim scoffed. "Great; modern technology is so wonderful; you can shop from the bathtub now. Antonio's right; online shopping was a bad idea."

"I haven't bought anything…yet; but if you want to get froggy, I will," Johanna remarked.

"You don't have your credit cards in there; I think I'm safe."

"Goes to show how much you know," she quipped. "I've ordered off Macy's before with my credit card; the information is saved on my account, all I have to do is confirm my payment method."

"They would make it easy for you," he grumbled half heartedly. In all honesty, he'd prefer her to shop than scour the news sites, reading the trash written about all of them…but she'd expect him to grumble a little…just as he expected her to grumble when he'd drag her into an auto parts store or a sports memorabilia shop.

"Macy's loves me," Johanna declared.

"Is that right?"

"Mhmm; Grandma always said there three things you could be sure of; Jesus loves you, your Mama loves you, and Macy's loves you."

Jim laughed. "I don't think you ever shared that tidbit before."

"It just came back to mind; I believe Grandma made that statement while we were shopping at Macy's one day when I was a kid; she was having a bad day and decided we needed to go to Macy's for retail therapy."

"You come from a long line of Macy's groupies."

"And we're proud of it."

"The game's back on," her husband announced. "Stick to browsing."

"We'll see," she replied, her attention shifting back to Vixen's blog.

" _Is it really wise to share this woman's food allergy with the world?"_ she wrote in the comment box. _"Don't you think you could be handing someone a golden ticket with that information? You claim you're acquaintance of hers and yet you seem to have an axe to grind. Why don't you tell us how she wronged you at some point; it might give you more credence in your claims."_

Johanna tapped the button on the screen and watched the comment post; another trap baited, although she was sure Vixen would carefully sidestep it…but eventually she was going to make a mistake…and when she did, Johanna would be waiting. With that thought in mind, she opened up Macy's webpage and ordered the sweater and the silky black nightgown that she had been looking at a few days before. That would teach her husband to put down modern technology, she thought with a grin; knowing full well that he'd expect her to order something just to spite him. With her order placed, she sat her phone aside and closed her eyes once more as she soaked; the issue of Vixen coming back to mind…and the thought " _what if it's Sharon_?" cycling through her brain, making her stomach hurt at the thought of it…but Vixen definitely had a partner; someone who knew those more personal details about her…or she was wrong completely and Vixen was a former friend who was now a foe. She felt like she was back to square one where suspicions were concerned. She sighed; she just couldn't catch a break.

 _Author's Note: Some family secrets and a little bump in the road in the next chapter!_


	19. Chapter 19

_Author's Note: As always; thanks for your reviews! Sorry for the wait; real life gets in the way sometimes. I'm trying to get each story updated one at a time so none get neglected._

Chapter 19- Secrets-Part 2

" _Til all my sleeves are stained red from all the truth that I've said. Come by it honestly, I swear" –One Republic_

The next day after Sunday brunch was cleared away and Johanna had refilled her and Bridget's cups with tea and poured Jim another cup of coffee, she settled back down in her chair in the dining room and gathered her courage to broach a few nagging questions.

"Bridget," she began before her bravado faltered.

"What is it, sweet pea?"

"A long time ago I asked you who we inherited green eyes from," she said slowly.

The old woman shifted in her seat a bit. "I remember…it wasn't the only time you asked."

Johanna's gaze met her aunt's. "And every time I asked; you told me you didn't know."

Bridget breathed deeply as she stirred her tea. "I suppose the past is catching up with all of us, isn't it?"

Johanna couldn't help but feel a surge of emotion; the rawness of wounds that had never really healed. "I feel like a hypocrite for saying this, given my current circumstances, but you lied to me?"

The older woman gave a slight nod of her head. "Yes, Johanna; I lied to you."

"Why?" she asked; her voice carrying an ounce of anguish.

"Because there was nothing to be gained by knowing…I take it from your demeanor that you somehow now know that you get your eyes from your grandmother; your eyes and your hair color and a few of your features…although you do bare a resemblance to Naomi as well. But if I had told you that one tidbit, you would've wanted to know everything."

"What's so wrong with wanting to know about my grandmother?" Johanna asked. "Why did everyone act like Sarah was some kind of criminal that couldn't be discussed? Like she was something to be ashamed of? What did she do that was so terrible that she had to be hidden away, forgotten about?"

"She died," Bridget stated. "That was her great crime; she died young. It was painful, it's always painful to lose a loved one; you know that…you know that Jim and Katie know it all too well from their experience of losing you for awhile."

She stiffened in her chair, feeling as though Bridget had just plunged a knife into her heart. "A simple, I'm not discussing the matter, would've sufficed, Bridget."

Her aunt eyed her knowingly. "I didn't make the statement to be cruel; you should know me better than that."

Johanna scoffed. "Yeah; well, I feel like I used to know a lot of people but times change, you know."

Bridget's brow rose. "Don't you sass me, Johanna Elizabeth. I know you're hurting, I know you're going through things that I can't begin to imagine. But don't you sit there and think for a moment that I'd purposely hurt you because you know I never would. I was only making a comparison statement; and perhaps it wasn't a wise one given your open wounds. I apologize. Now unruffle your feathers and get that Frank McKenzie look off your face or I might reach over and smack it for you."

She bristled a little; her chin jutting up a notch. "I don't look like my father."

"Oh, sweet pea; when you're mad, you are Frank McKenzie up and down," Bridget chuckled. "You jut that chin up and you get that look on your face like he always got. Don't you think so, Jim?"

Jim glanced between the two women. "I have no comment about that."

Johanna's eyes widened at the comment, clearly taking it as his agreement with Bridget. He chuckled. "I can say without a doubt that you look like Naomi when you make that face."

His wife smiled. "I love you, honey."

"I love you too, sweetheart…you never look like your father."

"I didn't think so."

Bridget tsked at her. "He's only saying what you want to hear because he likes getting in your pants."

"Bridget!" Johanna exclaimed.

"It's the truth," her aunt proclaimed. "Isn't it, Jim?"

"I can't deny liking it," he said; "But all the rest, I have no comment on."

Bridget shook her head at him. "I know the truth; but getting back to what we were discussing; you're grandmother's great crime was dying young and leaving us to be raised by our grandmother. Now why don't you tell me what you know and I'll take it from there."

Johanna took a sip of her tea, steadying herself as she told of finally receiving the letter that Frank had written her, along with the box of Sarah McKenzie's belongings that had been kept from her, the letter Patrick had enclosed and a second missive from her father. She spoke of Sarah's diaries, the photographs, how the knowledge she now held didn't exactly soothe her despite forgiving her father. She then looked at Bridget and decided to rip the lid off the questions she had.

"Why didn't you tell me about my grandmother? Why didn't you tell me that I was named Johanna because that was her middle name? Why didn't you tell me that I looked like her…that it was why my father had such distaste for me?"

"To protect you," Bridget answered. "I didn't like to keep those things from you, neither did your mother…but with the way things were between you and Frank…well, everyone thought it best to keep quiet. No one talked much about Mama anyway; your grandfather didn't encourage us to speak of her. He liked to keep his memories and love for her locked up tight inside of him. His mother, your great grandmother Amelia, she hated our mother and did her best to turn us against her memory. She succeeded with your father. I know it all seems very silly the way we avoided mentioning my mother…but it was like that even before you came along, Johanna. If I had told you at some point in your life, you would've gone straight to your father and pressed for answers and ways to fix what was wrong…but sweet pea, you couldn't fix what was wrong with your father, there was something broken inside of him that no one could repair. It would've only brought you more grief. He would've come down on you twice as hard if you knew that his reasons were based on the fact that you reminded him of Mama. I couldn't put you in that position…not even when you did ask a few questions about her that one time."

Johanna swallowed hard. "But what if knowing might have made it better somehow? What if we had just gotten it out there in the open; things could've been better between him and I. Maybe I could've done something to make it better, so I didn't remind him so much of her."

"There was nothing that you could do to change the fact that you reminded him of her."

"I could've shown him that I wasn't her…I could've dyed my hair if it would've helped me look less like her. I could've dyed it Mom's color."

Bridget shook her head. "It wouldn't have mattered, Johanna. Frank had it stuck in his head that you were just like our mother, in looks, in mannerisms, and sometimes in actions."

"I'm not; I'm like Mom."

"You're also like Frank."

"I'm not," she insisted.

"You are…it's not so terrible for you to have a shade or two of Frank McKenzie in there."

"Easy for you to say," she grumbled.

Bridget chuckled a little. "McKenzie's have bad tempers, darling; it's alright. It's just our thing. But getting back to our topic; you couldn't change your father. He looked at you; he saw Sarah McKenzie…and I think he worried that if you were like her in some way that it meant you were doomed to her fate."

Her heart sank in her chest as a connection formed in her mind. "And I followed in her footsteps, didn't I?"

"You didn't die, Johanna."

"No; but people thought I did…and it's just as bad. I'm glad he wasn't here to see it, as awful as that is to say."

"I'm glad too," Bridget remarked; "Because it would've killed him."

Tears filled her eyes and she looked away, trying to keep them from falling as she thought of what the last thirteen years would've done to her parents if they had still been living. Her stomach turned nauseous and she had to force the thoughts away.

"Why didn't you tell me after he was gone? You could've told me then…Mom could've told me," she stated. "Why didn't anyone tell me then…when I felt so miserable inside? Maybe knowing would've helped."

"I believe that Naomi worried that you'd think she had somehow betrayed you by keeping those things from you. I think she may have even felt guilty for giving you Mama's middle name. She thought Frank wouldn't mind after awhile, that he'd be pleased that she wanted to honor our mother, but he wasn't…and I think she blamed herself a little. I think she felt like his behavior was partly her fault. I didn't tell you because I didn't want you to think I had been betraying you too…and because I was afraid that you'd take it badly and that I wouldn't see you anymore. Frank was gone, nothing could be changed…and to tell you, I'd have to admit that Naomi had known all along and you would've been angry with her. It just seemed like an impossible situation, especially when you were grieving."

Johanna swallowed hard, unable to reconcile the thought that knowing at any point before or after his loss wouldn't have mattered. "But maybe if I'd known before he was gone, I could've somehow made peace with him…or maybe if I had known in that time after he first died…when I was so angry and hurt that I didn't have a letter; maybe I could've…."

Bridget shook her head. "It would've only made you feel worse, Johanna. You would've only thought of all the what ifs and all the things you couldn't change. You can't help that you look like her, that sometimes you act like her. You can't help that when you say certain words that you sound like her. Those were things you were born with, you couldn't change them…and you shouldn't want to. My mother was a beautiful, vivacious, clever woman; she'd be so very proud of you. Telling you the truth back then could've only done you harm. I know it probably doesn't seem that way to you right now; your discovery of the truth is still somewhat new and raw…but please believe me, Johanna; I didn't keep quiet to hurt you…I did it because I love you."

She nodded slowly; who was she to judge? She had kept a secret that was far worse and far more hurtful to the people she loved. She was worse; no matter what anyone had done to her, she had done far, far worse. She had no right to judge at all.

"I know what you're thinking," Bridget said; "And you need to stop…one person's secret isn't any worse than another's. We all keep secrets from the people we love when we're trying to protect them; are some secrets larger in magnitude? Of course…but the reasons for a secret are usually always the same among decent people like you and I. We hide things out of love…to protect the people dear to us. The past can't be changed; all we can do is make our peace with it the best we can. We all have regrets, sweet pea; but we can't allow them to rule our lives."

"Can you tell me about her now that I know the truth about my father's hatred?"

"He didn't hate you, Johanna. He loved you. He wasn't kind to you, he wasn't the father he could've been; but he didn't hate you."

She wasn't always so sure about that but she allowed the remark to pass. "Will you tell me the things I don't know?"

"There isn't really much to tell," Bridget remarked. "You're reading her diaries, they're better at telling you about her heart and mind than a second hand account."

Johanna read between the lines; Bridget didn't want to speak about her mother. She gave a nod. "I'll just read the books then…do you want them when I'm finished? They're your mother's after all."

Her aunt noticed the more formal note of her niece's tone and she smiled a little. "No; of course not. Your grandfather wanted you to have them and you should keep them."

"What about the jewelry that was in the box? The ruby ring and necklace? Shouldn't they be with you?"

"No," Bridget replied. "Your grandfather gave them to you and I want you to keep them. I have her engagement ring and a few other pieces of her jewelry, not to mention all of my own jewelry. I think Mama would want you to have her ring and necklace. That ruby set was her favorite."

"Didn't you wonder where it was?"

"I figured that Frank sold it."

Johanna's brow rose. "Why would you think that Dad sold it?"

"Because your grandfather told me he had it and it was to be given to you."

Her jaw tightened. "But you never bothered to mention that either."

"Honey; all the fuss he and Colin made about you inheriting the money that your grandfather left you, along with our mother's stocks and bond; I felt like I couldn't mention it, because you would've gone to him and demanded it and you and Frank were in a bad place at that time. I didn't want to make it worse."

"What else don't I know about, Bridget?"

"What do you want to know?" the old woman asked.

"I want to know about my family but you don't seem to want to talk about that so I guess there's really no point is asking about them…but is there anything else that anyone kept from me for my own good?"

Bridget took a sip of tea and subtly glanced at Jim. He was being silent but he was watching his wife closely; waiting to swoop in and comfort her if things got too difficult. She swallowed her tea and glanced back at her niece who was rolling the hem of the linen napkin with her fingertips.

"My mother used to sing to us every night," the older woman stated. "She had such a beautiful voice. Sometimes if I just let myself drift enough, I can still hear her singing Beautiful Dreamer. She was beautiful, like you; she was full of life and joy. She loved fiercely…she was feisty. She believed in equal rights, was active in the fight to gain women the vote; and she was totally devoted to her family. My mother liked to have fun, she liked to dance, she liked to write. She was a wonderful mother, a good homemaker. She was involved in charities and different causes but they never got in the way of her being with us as much as she could be. We didn't have a nanny…and most women of her station had one at that time; but Mama didn't want someone else raising her babies. She liked mockingbirds…she used to feed this one that hung around the garden all the time. I was just a little girl when she passed…but to my childish eyes, she was perfect…and it was always easy to see that Dad thought she was perfect too. Sarah Riley was his only love; no one or nothing could replace her, could matter as much, mean anything to him…not even us kids for awhile after she was gone. He drowned in work and in his scotch for the first few years while Grandmother Amelia cracked the whip on us; preaching her hate for our mother and keeping us from out mother's family."

"I remember you mentioning once that you saw your grandmother Riley in public when you were a child and she cried and begged to be allowed to see you," Johanna said, her throat tight with emotion.

"That's right," Bridget remarked. "Granny begged and pleaded, sent letters, came and beat on the door a hundred times, and Amelia wouldn't budge. All she got were glimpses of us in public and notes from people who knew us that she was friends with."

"That's terrible," Jim said quietly. "Why didn't your father step in and let you kids go see your mother's family once in awhile?"

"Because he just wanted to forget," Bridget answered. "And I don't think he wanted to deal with his mother's tantrums over it."

"So you never got to see her again?" Johanna asked; the term Granny feeling oddly familiar to her but she couldn't be sure why.

"Oh, I saw her again," Bridget remarked. "One day when I was about thirteen, I saw her at the pharmacy; I was picking things up for Amelia. I look enough like my mother that she knew instantly I was one of her Sarah's children. I was so glad I was alone that day…she bought me a soda and we sat down and talked for a long time…I still remember how she cried while hugging me. I was late getting home and there was hell to pay, but I didn't care…and I didn't dare tell."

Johanna had a feeling that the story didn't end there. "You saw her after that?"

Bridget smiled as she nodded. "I found out that one of my friends lived on the same street as Mary Alice; that was her name, but you probably know that by now. I'd go visit my friend and I'd stop in to see Granny. Sometimes I'd say I was spending the night with Carrie and really I was spending the night with my grandmother."

Johanna grinned. "That's pretty sneaky."

"It was…and I did it all throughout my teenage years; even slipped her invitations to my graduation and wedding. Even as an adult I mostly kept my visits secret because of my father and Amelia," her aunt said as she rose from her chair.

"Where are you going?"

"I have to get some things, I'll be right back; stay put."

When Bridget was out of sight, Jim met Johanna's eye. "Are you okay?" he asked; knowing that some little part of her was hurt that Bridget had kept so much from her.

She nodded. "I'm okay…I guess it just isn't easy to know that everyone knew but me."

"I know; but at least you know now."

She knew, but it was too late to do anything with the information, Johanna thought to herself as Bridget came in to the room carrying a few shoe boxes that she sat on the table. "What's all that?" she asked.

"You'll see," Bridget told her as she opened the lids and rooted in them until she came up with a stack of photographs. "Jim, why don't you move over here beside Johanna so you can see these as she looks at them?"

Jim rounded the table to sit next to his wife, feeling like Bridget was giving him a hint that something was probably going to be hard for Johanna to hear. Johanna shifted in her seat as Bridget moved her own chair closer and sorted through the photos until she found the one she wanted to show first. She laid down a black and white photo in front of Johanna and then met her eye. "Do you remember this?"

Johanna looked down at the photo; according to the date on the side of the picture, she would've been four years old. She smiled a little, looking at the image of herself wearing a floppy hat and lacy gloves, a strand of beads around her neck. She was sitting with an old woman, but the woman didn't hold her attention as childhood memories flooded her mind. "I remember that hat and gloves," she said, a smile still clinging to her lips. "I played dress up with those all the time. I still have that strand of beads in my trunk; they're blue with little pink roses painted on them."

"That's right," Bridget said with a nod, her finger tapping against the old woman in the photo. "But do you remember her? Do you remember Granny, Johanna?"

"Granny," she said softly; the term still familiar as she gazed at the photo; the haze of a memory coming back to her.

' _Where did you get that hat and those gloves?" Frank McKenzie demanded to know as his daughter twirled around in her new attire._

" _Granny gave them to me," Johanna answered. "I'm a grown up lady now, Daddy. I have gloves like Mama."_

" _Who's Granny?" he asked; his gaze cutting toward his sister who had had his middle child out for the day with her and one of her own children._

" _Will's grandmother," Bridget lied. "I always stop and check in on her and she told Johanna to call her Granny like Cindy does. She loves children and she enjoyed giving them some dress up things from her old trunk."_

"Granny was Uncle Will's grandmother," Johanna stated as the memory faded.

"No," Bridget said gently. "Granny was your great grandmother; Mary Alice Riley."

She shook her head. "I remember you telling Dad that this woman was Uncle Will's grandmother; she gave me the hat, gloves and beads."

"I know, dear; but I lied to him…she was our grandmother; but I knew if he found out, he'd blow a gasket and I'd never see you kids again and I couldn't bear that. I love being an aunt just as much as I love being a mother. Look at her closely," she said, tapping her finger against the image once more. "Look closely and then look at me; you'll see the resemblance."

Johanna looked again, studying the woman intently this time and then thinking about the photos of a young Mary Alice that she had at home. It was the same woman…and Bridget did look like her. She swallowed hard. "I feel like I remember this," she said, her own fingertips touching the picture. "It's hazy…but I feel like it's in there somewhere."

"I'm sure it is if you remember me lying about who she was," Bridget remarked. "It'll probably come back to you later."

"Did Mom know you took me to see her?"

Bridget was silent for a moment and then she began laying out all of the photographs. Johanna's breath caught; there was picture of her mother and Mary Alice, a baby cradled in the older woman's arms. "That's Frankie," Bridget murmured to her, seeing where her gaze had landed.

More pictures followed of baby Frankie with their great grandmother and then, there came a new set of photos, Naomi McKenzie present yet again, a baby girl this time in Mary Alice's arms. "There you are," her aunt said softly.

Johanna felt her throat growing tight as a row of pictures filled in of her, her mother and great grandmother at various stages of her infancy. Soon Colleen joined the mix, and then eventually, there was just her again, some pictures Naomi was present in, but her siblings weren't.

'Why is there more of me than Frankie and Colleen?" she asked.

"Because we were afraid Frankie would catch on and tell your father. We stopped taking him right after you were born because he was listening a little too closely to things that were said and it was hard for him to keep a secret. Colleen was always fussy so it was easier to leave her home with your mother when she wasn't with us; but I always took you. Granny loved you so much; she always said she knew Sarah was living on every time she looked at you."

"Mom knew," Johanna murmured. "She went with you…how did Dad not know?"

"She didn't tell him. The first time she met Mary Alice; she'd only been married to your father a few months. We were out shopping together and she said she wished she knew more about Frank's family; so I swore her to secrecy and took her to meet Mary Alice. They kept in touch; they wrote each other letters all the time…Granny sent her letters to your grandmother Sophia and Sophia would slip them to Naomi when Frank wasn't around."

"They wrote letters, she visited…she kept all that secret?"

"Yes," Bridget replied. "She knew your father would blow his top and demand she not have contact with her…and he sure as hell wouldn't have wanted you kids seeing your great grandmother. So she kept it quiet; sometimes she went to visit with me, other times she didn't, but she'd slip you to me to take along, knowing how much Mary Alice loved to see you. Those other two shoeboxes; they're the letters they wrote to each other and the pictures your mother sent her. When Granny died, my aunt allowed me to come in and take what I wanted; she had kept your mother's letters so I took them; and Naomi gave me the ones she had received for safe keeping…I think maybe she was hoping to give them to you one day."

"Then why didn't she?" Johanna asked. "She never told me any of this."

"I think she was afraid you'd be angry with her for keeping so much from you," her aunt explained. "Naomi felt a lot of guilt for the way things were between you and Frank. She couldn't tell you the truth; she didn't want to hurt you."

Johanna closed her eyes and then looked to Jim. "How do you feel knowing you married into a family of secret keeping liars? It kind of makes sense now, doesn't it?"

"What makes sense?" he asked cautiously.

"How I ended up in the mess I'm in," she replied. "I was genetically inclined to it. I told the lie to protect you and Katie; I kept secrets for thirteen years for the same reason. It's just in the blood like bad tempers and a need to cook when stressed."

"It's not like that, Johanna," Bridget stated before Jim could answer. "We were just trying not to upset you…and while your father was alive, we were trying to keep him from blowing up about what Naomi was doing behind his back."

Johanna sighed deeply. "History really does repeat itself…just in different versions," she said softly. "Dark haired, green eyed Sarah meet a bad end…a bad end was planned for dark haired, green eyed me. My mother led some sort of secret life, knowing the reason for everything I always questioned and didn't tell me a damn thing and neither did you…and neither did my father or grandfather. I was forced into leading a secret life, knowing things that my family didn't know to keep them safe. Oh my God; we're toxic people."

Bridget gave Johanna a gentle smack against her head. "We are not and don't you ever let me hear you say that again. We do what we need to do in this family; we don't like keeping secrets and hurting people but sometimes we have no choice. We carry the guilt and the regret but some of us know how to move past it…you don't and you need to learn. You can't carry everyone's problems and hang ups on your back, Johanna. Your father's issues were his and you can't carry around the what ifs or the blame for looking like our mother. You can't blame yourself for every bad reaction you get from someone who doesn't understand what you've been through. We all keep secrets…that's why I'm telling you all of this; it's why I'm giving you all of these pictures and letters, so you know that you're not the first person to keep secrets, to do something that you kept from someone. You're human, you did what had to be done just as Naomi and I did what we felt we had to do. Do I have regrets? Yes. Did your mother? Yes. Do you? Yes. What matters is how you carry on and learn to live it without letting it suffocate you."

"I'm trying to learn how to do that," Johanna remarked quietly. "It's just hard to believe the amount of secret keeping in this family."

"I know, dear; and none of us wanted it to be that way…it's just how it was. You take all the letters and the pictures; they're yours. Maybe they'll jog your memory a little about Granny and you'll remember her. If I've hurt you by keeping so much from you; I'm sorry, Johanna. You know I love you like you're my own, nothing has changed…the things we've both done were out of necessity and it doesn't change anything between us."

Johanna gave a nod. "I know…I guess I just need a little time to digest it all."

"I know; but I hope it won't change our plans for today; I am so looking forward to going to that little second hand bookstore I was telling you about. They open at one and are only open until four."

"We're still going," Johanna assured; her fingers itching to dig into those letters and photos but it would have to wait.

* * *

That evening, the photos Bridget had given her were spread out across the top of the vanity as Johanna sat on the plush cushioned bench seat, studying them intently; trying desperately to recall the memory from the last set of pictures when she had been four. It felt familiar, there were hazy edges there and she thought that if she just tried hard enough, she'd be able to remember. Something was lingering there in the back of her memory; it had cracked open the slightest bit when Bridget had addressed Mary Alice as Granny and the crack had widened when she saw the hat, gloves and bead necklace in the one photo. The memory was there, she just had to dig deep and retrieve it. Her concentration, however, kept being pulled back to the photos that Naomi was present in; like the one when she was a year old, sitting on Mary Alice's lap as her mother sat beside them.

Naomi had met Frank McKenzie's grandmother and never said a word. More than that, according to the evidence in the two shoeboxes Bridget had given her, she had exchanged letters with the woman, keeping her apprised of the progress of her great grandchildren, sending her photos and cards for the holidays. Mary Alice's responses had been sent to Sophia Calabrese, who had slipped them to her daughter on the sly. Johanna pondered that; she hadn't realized her mother was so savvy in that respect. She had kept Bridget's secret about her visits; joined her on several and had made sure that her middle child was slipped to her aunt for a few visits a year until Mary Alice had passed away. Most of all, her mother had known the reason for her father's distaste of her. She had known everything…and she never said a word. Not even after Frank McKenzie had died. Not a single word about the one question that had plagued her all of her life. Why? She sucked in a breath and tried to quell the ache that she felt settling in her heart as the full thrust of her mother's knowledge set in. Naomi McKenzie had kept secrets…she kept secrets from her…and it seemed so odd and out of place with what she always knew about her. She had never expected that her mother would keep secrets. Perhaps she had never allowed herself to think about it. Maybe she had convinced herself that Naomi didn't know the reason for Frank's distaste and behavior. But she had known and never told her. It hurt. It made her wonder what other secrets her mother had kept from her.

"She didn't tell you because she loved you and wanted to protect you," Jim said as he stood behind her; his hand reaching out and picking up the photo that Johanna's gaze was glued upon. "She didn't want to add to your hurt. She couldn't fix what was wrong with Frank; but she could shield you from more pain by staying quiet…and she could spare herself his wrath."

"What about once he was gone?" she asked softly.

"For the same reasons Bridget told you; there was nothing that could be done then. It would've just tormented you and you were tormenting yourself enough in those first few months after Frank passed. And maybe Bridget's right, maybe Naomi felt guilty; maybe she thought she could've done more; that she could've tried harder…that maybe she shouldn't have named you after your grandmother. Knowing her, she thought that honoring your grandmother would help Frank heal and make his peace but it didn't…and you know that she had to feel badly about that, because it added to the way he treated you. She loved you so much, Johanna; she would've kept a million secrets if it meant she could keep you from hurting any more than you already did."

"They could've called me by my middle name," Johanna murmured, her gaze meeting his in the mirror.

He smiled at her reflection. "Would you have really wanted to be called Elizabeth?"

A small wobbly smile touched her lips. "No."

"I didn't think so."

"It's just odd to think that she kept secrets from me," Johanna whispered; "Even if they were out of love."

Jim sat down on the vanity seat with her. "I know you brought up the topic with Bridget…but I think that her telling you everything, including Naomi's involvement, was to show you that you're not the only one who ever kept a secret. And before you say it, it's not as different as you think. Learning that Naomi and Bridget kept things from you even when you asked point blank at times, hurt you. You kept a secret that caused some hurt, but it was done for the right reasons…and in some ways for the same reasons Naomi and Bridget and even Sophia kept theirs…out of love, to protect. Those are reasons you gave, and I never doubted for a moment that you were terrified into believing that Katie and I would be in danger if you didn't do what you were told. You love us, you wanted to keep us protected and you needed to stay alive so that you could come back to us when it was safer. Naomi needed to keep you protected from more of Frank's anger and she had to protect herself too; so she kept it a secret. Bridget did the same thing for the same reasons. Everyone has secrets, sweetheart; the circumstances of each are different, but the motivation is usually the same in the majority of cases. Love and protection. Your secret might've been bigger…but I don't think one is any worse than the other…and I believe that was advice that you mentioned giving to Katie when she and Rick had a falling out about their secrets."

She nodded. "I know."

"Then stop being so hard on yourself; you did the right thing; we've all told you that multiple times and I know that in your heart you know it was the right thing to do too…and I understand that you feel guilty for it, that you hurt over it, that you still feel like you have a long road to walk to get back to where you were and what you want…but you have to let go a little, because you're going to make it and one day you're going to be able to have peace about it all. Maybe Bridget thought it would help to know that keeping secrets is a family tradition. You've always had Naomi on a pedestal; even when you were miffed at her, she was still the definition of perfect in your eyes, and now you know that she was just human…like Katie now knows that you're just human, that you have your own demons that you battle every day; that there are parts of you that she doesn't know, although she's learning now. Naomi can still be your super hero, just like you can still be Katie's; but now you both know the truth; that even super heroes have hidden depths and secrets. You're all the same, from great grandmother down, you love fiercely, you protect, you keep things to yourself, you do what you think is best for everyone else and carry the burden alone. It's who all of you are, whether the name be Riley, Calabrese, McKenzie or Beckett. It's a long line of strong women; they crumble sometimes, but they always build themselves back up and carry on."

She smiled through the haze of tears laying in her eyes. "How did you get so wise?" she asked softly; a tinge of lightness in her tone.

"I picked the right wife," he answered. "She puts a lot of effort into training me."

Johanna wrapped her arms around him, holding him tightly. "I love you."

"I love you too; and so does Naomi…she's probably sitting up there in heaven wringing her hands, worrying that you're angry with her," Jim remarked.

She shook her head. "I'm not angry…I thought I was at first but now it just stings a little, but I'm not angry with her."

"Good," he murmured; smoothing a hand over her hair. "I don't want you to be upset with her."

"I'm not."

He pulled back and captured her lips in a kiss. "Let's go to bed; you still have some time tomorrow morning to try to remember things and to ask more questions before we leave. We should leave by eleven though"

"Jim," she said quietly, reaching for his hand to make him stay seated with her. "Can we stay a little longer? Can we go back Tuesday instead of tomorrow morning?"

An understanding smile crossed his lips. "I have a meeting at noon tomorrow afternoon about that case I'm working on…but you can stay. I'll go in for my meeting and then I'll come back and get you and we'll head back tomorrow night."

"That's a lot of driving," Johanna remarked. "I can't ask you to do that. We'll go back together."

"I don't mind," Jim told her. "If you stay, then you and Bridget can have a little bit of alone time together…I promise I'll come back for you."

"I'd hunt you down if you didn't…but do you really want to make all those trips; it's an hour each way."

He gave her a kiss. "I don't mind the driving, I'll still leave at 8; I'll go home, take in the mail and get ready for my meeting. When I'm done at work, probably around 2, I'll head back out here to get you and head back home."

She wanted to have the extra time with Bridget but she did hate making him run around so much. "I'd like to stay, but…"

"No, buts," Jim said with a shake of his head. "You stay; I'll be back for you. I don't mind the driving; you know it's never bothered me. Have some time with her, it's fine."

"Okay," she murmured before giving him a kiss.

"Come on; let's go to bed."

Johanna nodded and rose from the bench with him, her hand slipping into his as he led her to the bed a few steps away.

Once they were settled into bed, Johanna turned on her side to face her husband. "You said everyone has secrets," she commented.

Jim gave a nod. "That's right."

She held his gaze. "Do you have secrets?"

"Me?" he asked. "Of course not; you know my entire life story."

She smirked at him in amusement. "That doesn't sound very sincere."

He sighed. "Alright, you've got me…in a former life I robbed a stage coach outside of Dodge."

Johanna laughed. "You had an affair with Miss Kitty too, didn't you?"

"It was just one of those things," he replied. "She was on the outs with the Marshal and needed consoling and I had time to kill before the hold up so I figured why not."

"That sounds like you," she quipped.

He tickled her side, making her giggle and squirm away from him in response. "I'm glad you've taken the news well; I didn't want you to think about leaving me, because I can't allow that. I'd have to hold you hostage."

"You have no need to worry," she replied. "Your former fictional life doesn't concern me a bit."

"That's good to know."

Her gaze turned serious once more. "But do you have real secrets?"

He shifted a bit, trying not to act uncomfortable with the question. "On the drive up here, you told me about a secret you've had for a long time; about that time you thought you might be pregnant."

"I know."

"Do you have other secrets?"

"Not that I know of off the top of my head."

"How about that time you and Katie wouldn't confess who put that big dent in your car?"

"Okay, there's that one, but other than that I can't think of anymore."

"Do you want to tell me how that incident happened?"

"No, not particularly," she replied; "And we already know that I've kept some secrets; the question was, do you have secrets? Since you're avoiding the question, I'm going to assume that you do."

"I've never been unfaithful to you, Johanna."

Puzzlement furrowed her brow. "When did I ever imply that you were?"

"You didn't; but that's usually the secret everyone thinks a man has."

"I didn't think that at all and I don't know why you would leap to the conclusion that I would. You're the one who accused me of being unfaithful…you're the one who really thought that I'd take advantage of the circumstances I was in to be with a man who wasn't my husband; and I never did. The thought never even crossed my mind. I belong to you and you only. The last man I was with before you was when I was in college and you know that. I never made it a secret."

"We already had this fight, Jo," he said quietly. "I know you weren't unfaithful; we've been over this and I apologized."

"I know and I accepted your apology… but it didn't make it hurt any less," she whispered.

"I'm sorry," he murmured. "Hurting you is never something that I'm proud of and I hope that in some way, I've been able to make it up to you."

"You stayed," Johanna answered softly. "You could've walked away but you stayed…and I can forgive anything as long as you never leave me."

"I'm never going to leave you," he promised; his hand cupping her face, his thumb brushing against her cheek. "I want you to know and believe that; I know outside forces make you worry that I'll change my mind, but I never will."

She nodded. "I'm sorry; I didn't mean for any of this to get dredged up. We wiped the slate clean and put it behind us."

"That doesn't mean it can't still hurt you; isn't that what you tell everyone else?"

"You love to throw my words back in my face, don't you?"

He smiled and brushed a kiss against her lips. "Only because you offer forgiveness and understanding to everyone but yourself, sweetheart. As for secrets…I probably have a few."

"Probably?"

"I'm sure I have a few."

"Like why you punched Stanley Carmichael?"

Jim nodded. "Yes."

"And I'm the reason you keep that a secret."

"Yes…because I love you."

"And there are other things you haven't told me over the years because you love me…because you didn't want me to worry?"

"Yes," he admitted; and then figuring that she needed an example as some sort of proof that she wasn't the only person to keep a secret during the duration of their marriage, he made a confession. "I made you take Katie and go to Florida with your sister because I was being threatened over a case."

'What?" she exclaimed, bolting upright.

"That case I was working on at the time…my client, he wasn't the most upstanding citizen but the guy he was suing was worse. He came to my office and said if I didn't lose the case he'd make sure I paid, among other things. He picked up the picture of you and Katie that sat on my desk and while he didn't threaten either one of you directly, I wanted you both somewhere safer until it was over. Colleen had been begging you to bring Katie and go along with her and the kids for that two week trip she was taking and you weren't working at that time so it was the perfect way to get you out of town. I got the case wrapped up and with some help from Leo, that guy ended up getting arrested on other charges and sent to prison."

Her heart pounded; her stomach in knots. "Is he out of prison yet?"

"You don't need to worry about him; he didn't last long in prison with the enemies he had made…he was killed within the first six months. I didn't tell you to upset you; I just wanted you to know that in a way, I've done the same thing."

Johanna laid back down, her heart rate returning to normal. His story did feel somewhat on par with what she had done…and it did explain why he had been acting a little off during that time period. Jim was right, every one kept secrets…and while they might cause hurt and anger, they were in a lot of cases, kept for the right reasons.

Jim pulled her close. "I won't apologize for sending you and Katie away…I didn't want to take any chances of the two of you getting hurt…and if something did happen to me, I sure as hell didn't want you to witness it. I can't and won't apologize for keeping you safe, not that you've asked me to. I also don't want you to feel like you have to keep apologizing for going away to stay alive. It's what you were supposed to do…it's what I would've begged you to do if I had known. You don't have to keep apologizing."

She gave him a small understanding smile. "I'll try to cut back on the amount of apologizing I do. Katie yelled at me about it when we had our run."

He sighed. "And here I thought you two could make that a weekly thing when the weather gets warm again. I might have to think twice about sending you out with her now…apparently she talks too much. She must've gotten that from Colleen."

The remark made her laugh and she snuggled against him. "The run wasn't all bad…it just had some rough moments. Sometimes it's good for her to do all that talking."

"Yeah, but good for her seems to end up being bad for you at times. You two need to balance that out."

"We'll work on it," she replied with a yawn.

Jim kissed her. "Put all of this from your mind for now and get some sleep, sweetheart."

"Goodnight," she murmured.

"Goodnight," Jim said, pressing another kiss to her lips before shifting to make himself more comfortable, keeping her tucked against him as always.

* * *

Despite feeling tired, Johanna just couldn't get to sleep. Usually when sleep evaded her, she clicked on the television and found a sitcom rerun to watch until she fell asleep; but tonight she cautiously scooted away from her husband and slipped out from beneath the covers. She moved to the vanity where the pictures were still laid out and she clicked on the small, dim lamp that sat nearby, her gaze darting to Jim to make sure it hadn't disturbed his sleep. Seeing that it hadn't, she released the breath she had been holding and sat back down on the bench and focused her attention on those old photographs. Everyone has secrets…the words kept echoing through her mind but she brushed them aside. She needed to remember Mary Alice…and she was sure that she could, she had to focus, the quiet of nighttime should help. The memory was there, she just had to pull it from the recesses of her mind.

Johanna stared at the image of her great grandmother for awhile and then focused on the items she had been playing dress up with that day. She could clearly remember those and as she focused on them, she began to remember pulling them out of an old black trunk in an unfamiliar room. Her eyes closed; the memory pushing forward as it broke through the haze.

 _Johanna picked up a floppy, wide brimmed hat that was adorned with faded silk flowers and plopped it onto her head with a laugh. "Look at me, Granny," she giggled. "See my hat?"_

 _Mary Alice smiled and gently reached out to straighten the hat that now rested on her great granddaughter's head. "That's very becoming on you, Miss Johanna. You know, I wore that hat a long time ago; it was my favorite."_

" _You don't wear it anymore?" Johanna asked._

" _No; I haven't worn it in a long time."_

" _Why?"_

 _A soft laugh crossed the old woman's lips. "Because it started to wear out; it got old, but I kept it anyway because I was so fond of it."_

" _I like this hat," her great granddaughter said happily, her small fingers reaching up to touch the brim._

" _Do you?"_

" _Uh huh."_

" _Would you like to keep that hat so that you can play dress up with it anytime you please?"_

 _A smile lit up Johanna's face. "I can have it?"_

 _Mary Alice nodded; a smile remaining on her lips. "Yes, darling; you may have that hat. You know, a lady always needs to accessorize properly."_

" _What's cessorize?" she asked._

" _Accessorize," Mary Alice enunciated. "It means you have to complete your outfit. You have your pretty pink dress and those shiny black dress shoes and now a hat, but you need a couple more things."_

" _What?"_

 _The old woman reached into the trunk and pulled out an old pair of lacy gloves. "Ladies always have to wear their gloves when they go out," she said as she reached for Johanna's small hands and slipped the gloves onto them, laughing at the amount of material that hung from the little girl's fingers._

" _Grandma and Mama wear gloves to church," Johanna said as she admired the lacy gloves that had been slipped onto her hands._

" _I'm sure they do; nice ladies always dress their best, especially for church. Do you know what else you need?"_

" _What, Granny?"_

" _A necklace; a lady should always have a nice necklace," Mary Alice said as she lifted the strand of small sky blue porcelain beads over her head. She removed the hat from Johanna's head for a moment and carefully put the necklace on her and then put her hat back on her head._

 _Johanna's fingers touched the smooth beads, examining them and smiling at the sight of the tiny pink rose painted on each one. "Pretty," she said in awe._

" _I had a little girl once," Mary Alice said. "She gave me those beads to wear to her wedding."_

" _What's your little girl's name?" Johanna asked._

" _Her name was Sarah."_

" _Does Sarah live here?"_

" _No, my darling; my Sarah lives in heaven now."_

 _A look of concentration touched the little girl's features. "She's an angel now?"_

 _Mary Alice nodded. "Yes, she's an angel now."_

" _Why did she go to heaven?"_

" _Johanna," Bridget said gently; hoping to keep her niece from asking too many questions. "Don't be nosy; it might make Granny sad to talk about those things."_

" _No," the old woman said; "It's alright; little girls are curious. Sarah went to heaven because she got very sick."_

" _The doctor couldn't make her better?"_

" _No," Mary Alice said gently. "He tried very hard; but Sarah couldn't get better and so she went to heaven to be with God and all the other angels."_

 _Johanna looked up at her. "Mama says that angels watch over us."_

" _That's right, they do."_

" _Is Sarah watching us, Granny?"_

 _Mary Alice nodded. "I'm sure she is, darling."_

 _She was quiet for a moment, clearly pondering what she had been told. "Did I make you sad, Granny?"_

" _No," her great grandmother said with a smile. "You could never make me sad; you're far too sweet for that. It's alright to talk about the people you love who have gone to heaven; it helps to make them feel closer to you. Do you want to see a picture of my Sarah?"_

 _Johanna nodded and Mary Alice slowly rose from her chair, crossing the room to the shelves on the wall. "Granny," Bridget said quietly; her hand moving over her daughter Cindy's hair as she slept on her lap._

 _Mary Alice gave a soft shake of her head. "She doesn't realize, Bridget; and she'll forget," she whispered. "It won't hurt anything."_

 _Bridget gave a nod and her grandmother moved to the shelf and lifted an old photo album from it. She carried it back to the sofa and patted the spot next to her. "Come up here and sit beside me, little one."_

 _Johanna climbed up onto the sofa and sat beside her great grandmother, her hat falling off in the process but she quickly grabbed it and laid it on the cushion beside her. Mary Alice opened the old photo album and turned a few pages, pausing when she came to the photo she was looking for and carefully lifting it from it's page. "This is my little girl Sarah; she was your age when this picture was taken."_

 _Johanna studied the image of the little girl in the old picture. "She's got a big bow in her hair," she commented._

 _Mary Alice laughed. "She does, doesn't she? Hair bows were sometimes large back then; that was the style."_

 _Her granddaughter giggled. "She's got curly hair like me."_

" _That's right…the same color too."_

" _Is that her baby doll?" Johanna asked; pointing at the porcelain doll clutched in the crook of Sarah's arm._

" _Yes; that was her favorite dolly," Mary Alice replied as she put the picture back in the slot and turned several more pages; lifting another picture from a slot. "And this is Sarah when she was all grown up."_

" _She's pretty," Johanna said a smile on her lips. "I like her dress."_

 _She smiled. "She was dressed up for a party; Sarah liked parties."_

" _I like parties," her granddaughter replied. "I like cake."_

 _Mary Alice laughed. "I like cake too."_

 _Johanna toyed with the beads hanging around her neck and then got up on her knees to be closer to the older woman's face._

" _Johanna, you have your shoes on," Bridget gently reminded._

" _It's alright, she's not hurting anything," their grandmother remarked._

" _You got green eyes," Johanna announced; her small finger touching the corner of Mary Alice's eye._

 _She nodded. "Yes I do."_

" _I have green eyes too," her granddaughter said joyfully._

" _Yes; I see that," she smiled. "They're beautiful. My Sarah had green eyes too."_

" _Aunt Bridget has green eyes."_

" _Yes she does; there are a lot of green eyes around here," Mary said as she reached out and touched the corner of Johanna's eye and the pressed a kiss to her forehead. "Do you like those beads?" she asked her, seeing the little fingers toying with them once again._

" _Yes; they're pretty."_

" _Would you like to keep them?"_

" _Granny; those are special to you," Bridget spoke up._

" _I have other mementos," Mary Alice replied. "Would you like to keep those beads, Johanna?"_

" _Yes, please," she replied._

" _Alright then, they're yours but you have to promise me something…do you know what a promise is?"_

" _Uh huh; promises are important to keep, that's what Mama says."_

" _Good; your mama is right. If I let you have these beads, will you promise me that you'll always keep them and take good care of them?"_

" _I promise, Granny," she said, crossing her heart and holding out her pinky to her great grandmother to seal the deal._

 _Mary Alice laughed softly and hooked her pinky around Johanna's. "Where did you learn that?"_

" _Frankie."_

" _Ah, I see; it's a nice way to make a promise official…I have a special way too."_

" _What is it?" Johanna asked._

" _A hug; do you think I can have a hug from you?"_

 _Johanna went into her arms willingly and Mary Alice held her tightly; nuzzling her dark curls and breathing in her soft little girl scent. "I love you, Johanna."_

" _I love you too, Granny."_

Johanna's eyes flicked open, the memory still fresh and clear in her mind as she stared into the dimly lit room. She remembered. Mary Alice Riley had looked fragile but her hugs were tight and loving…she recalled. She could still hear her voice in her ear; a faint whisper of the past that had nearly been forgotten. She remembered that day, that hat and gloves and that strand of beads. She still had the necklace, it was in her trunk of childhood treasures…a gift Sarah had given Mary Alice…and Mary Alice had given them to her. She sucked in a shaky breath, tears filling her eyes. That old trunk in the attic at home, it was the same trunk that had been sitting in her great grandmother's living room that day, the one she had played in. Bridget had given it to her as a teenager, brushing off her question about the initials M.A.R being carved in a corner of the lid. She had Mary Alice's necklace and her trunk…she and Sarah had quietly been in the background of her life all along…and another secret that Bridget had kept to herself, she thought as she sniffled.

"Sweetheart; what's wrong?" Jim asked; his voice startling her as he appeared at her side.

"Nothing," she murmured. "What are you doing up?"

"I thought I heard you," he answered as he sat down beside her and drew her into his arms. "Why are you crying?"

Johanna clung to him tightly for a moment and then wiped away her tears. "I couldn't sleep, so I got up to look at the pictures…I remember her. I remember being with Mary Alice."

"Are you sure it wasn't just a dream brought on from looking at those pictures?" he asked gently. "Maybe you dozed without realizing it, your eyes were closed."

"No," she whispered. "It was real…I remember Granny; she had green eyes and her voice was soft. She showed me pictures of Sarah…she gave me those beads. It wasn't a dream, Jim…it was the memory."

He kissed her cheek, not questioning it further. "I'm glad you remember, sweetheart; now you know that you were loved by that side of your family."

She nodded and snuggled back into his embrace. "I wish I could've seen her all the time…that it hadn't been a big secret."

"I know; but you can cherish that memory you do have of the time you spent with her…I'm sure she cherished it."

"I think so too; she must've hurt so badly being cut off from Sarah's family…I know how it feels, I was caught off from mine. That pain never goes away no matter how long it's been."

"I don't doubt that…but like you, she was strong and she found a way to go on…and every so often she got to touch a part of her daughter's legacy; she got to see her in your face and know that she was living on."

"I'm sorry I woke you," Johanna said softly as she sniffled.

"It's okay; I don't mind," he replied as he kissed her hair. "Come back to bed and rest now…they're always with you."

She tipped her head up and kissed the underside of his jaw. They were with her, she could feel it…and she was glad for it; she hoped they were looking after all of them.

* * *

The next morning, Johanna handed Jim the last bag to stow in the trunk of her car. "Are you sure you don't mind me staying here for the day?" she asked; feeling selfish for wanting the extra time when it felt like she'd be inconveniencing her husband.

"I'm sure, sweetheart," Jim replied as he closed the trunk.

"It's a lot of driving though…"

"I don't mind; I like driving; you know that. Don't worry about it, okay? Just have a nice day with Bridget."

"Alright," she relented; still feeling a bit guilty but she did her best to brush it off. "I guess you better get going; you wanted to be out of here by 8 and it's already 9:00."

Jim smiled. "Well you know we always oversleep the day after vacation…and I can't take on you and Bridget at once when you're both yelling at me that I need to have breakfast."

Johanna smirked at him. "No one yelled at you…and no one had to force you to the table at gunpoint so you better think up a new line of defense, honey."

His hands slipped around her waist and pulled her closer. "Alright; I throw myself at the mercy of the court. I'll still have plenty of time to get ready and get to my meeting. I should be back here around 3 or 3:30."

"I'll be here," she murmured. "Be careful; I hope your meeting goes well."

He kissed her goodbye and gave her hip a pat. "Go on back inside before you get cold; I'll see you in a little while."

Johanna gave him a small smile, suppressing the sudden surge of emotion that filled her at the knowledge that he'd be an hour away for several hours. It wasn't something that would have ever bothered her before…but now…now it was somewhat different. She didn't mind when they were both in the city; and she knew that this had been her idea; but still there was that odd little feeling of needing to cling; to stay as close as possible out of fear of not seeing him again. She'd felt that same overwhelming feeling when she had gone to Wyoming with Katie. An hour was nothing compare to that distance.

"You okay?" he asked.

"Yeah," Johanna said with a nod as she shook of the feeling. "I'm fine. I'll see you in a little while."

"Go on…I want you inside before I go," he told her.

She stole one last kiss and then retreated to the door like he asked; slipping inside and moving to the window to watch him leave. She felt her heart lurch a little as he pulled away and she closed her eyes for a moment; it wasn't a big deal; he'd be back for her, she knew that.

"It's never easy to watch the man you love drive away, is it?" Bridget asked softly as she appeared at her side.

A soft smile curved her lips upwards. "No…and it seems silly, doesn't it? He'll be back…"

"But?" her aunt asked.

"But ever since I've been home I've hated to see him leave. There were times when I was staying with Katie that I'd just cry when he left because I didn't want him to go."

"That's understandable," Bridget said; her hand rubbing against her niece's back. "You've had to do without him for a long time; it's only natural that you'd want to stick to him like glue now that you have him back."

She gave a slight nod. "It doesn't bother me to see him go to work now that we're living under the same roof again…it's just any time there's a bit more distance between us than usual."

"That hasn't been too often though; has it?"

"No; only when I had to go back to Wyoming…he didn't go with me; Katie went with me."

"Jim didn't go with you?" the old woman questioned.

"No," Johanna replied as she toed off her shoes and moved away from the window, heading for the living room, Bridget on her heels. "He came a few days later though."

"Why didn't he just leave with you?"

"He didn't want to see it," she said softly as she settled down on the sofa; drawing her legs up against her as her gaze darted to the television Bridget had turned on when she had come downstairs that morning. "He wasn't sure he could handle seeing where I had been."

"That must've hurt you a little; having to go back there without him…it couldn't have been easy to leave him behind."

"It wasn't," Johanna confessed. "But I didn't hold it against him. I'd never ask him to do something he wasn't comfortable with."

Bridget eyed her. "Just because you didn't hold it against him doesn't mean that it didn't hurt your feelings."

"It hurt a little but I couldn't expect him to go with me; he'd already been through enough because of me. I wasn't going to inflict a visit to the place I'd been hiding on him if he was adamant about not going. But like I said; he came out a few days later."

"What changed his mind?"

"He said that he belonged there with me…that I needed him there…and I think he was worried that the people I knew there would take the news badly and he wouldn't be there to protect me from it."

"Tell me about what it was like there."

Johanna eyed her curiously. "When I had to go back and wrap up loose ends?"

"No; all of your time there," Bridget said. "What was it like living there?"

Horrible; Johanna thought to herself. It was the only word she could think of to describe it and she knew it wasn't quite fair to the state that had harbored her. The state itself had been beautiful, peaceful, and a quieter pace than she was used to as a native of New York. But it had been horrible. She had been wrenched away from everything she knew; thrust into a state of mourning for her entire world while a new life of lies was created for her. She didn't think of any enjoyment when she thought of Wyoming. The home that had been provided for her had been nice and sufficient; she had kept to herself for the most part; went to work every day and tried to stay drowned in the paper work of that job in the evenings to help stave of the loneliness…and it never quite worked. When she thought of Wyoming, she thought of that dark hole of depression. She thought about all the nights she had cried herself to sleep and the bottles of wine she had drank. She thought about empty years passing without any joy…she thought about all she missed out on with her husband and daughter.

"Johanna," Bridget said; giving her foot a nudge with her hand.

She shifted uncomfortably; a feeling of vulnerability sweeping across her soul. "I…I don't want to talk about that Bridget," she said softly.

"Don't you think maybe you should?"

"Why?"

"Because it's a part of you."

"A part I don't like revisiting," Johanna remarked; her tone still soft but with a hint of firmness as her aunt pressed the subject.

"We all have things we don't like to revisit; but we have to do it anyway."

"I don't see why; it just picks open old wounds."

"You're not against picking open old wounds; didn't you think the wounds from losing you were scabbed over for Jim and Katie and that seeing you again, learning that everything they had been told was a lie, would rip those scabs off?"

Johanna wrapped her arms more tightly around her legs. Why hadn't she gone home with Jim? This had been a mistake. "I had to tell them," she said; her voice tight with tension. "Katie got shot because she was chasing this thing. I had to let her know that I was alive so she could stop; so she wouldn't get hurt again. I couldn't stand it anymore. I know it seems ridiculous…I was gone all that time and then came back…I would've been back within a year if they didn't make it a point to keep terrifying me that one wrong move and they could be jeopardized. The FBI might be in the business of protecting people but they're also in the business of terrifying them…and maybe it's necessary…but they knew…they knew all they had to do was pull that 'you'll cause the death of your husband and daughter' card and I'd stay complicit. I'd stay where they wanted me while they did nothing to find the person responsible…because that's what it comes down to. They did absolutely nothing! If they had…if they had even tried; maybe it wouldn't have lasted as long as it did; but they didn't try. They took their tip from their so called reliable source and shoved me in some different corner of the nation and went on about their business…and all I can figure out is that the agent who came to me must've owed a favor to the person who tipped him off; because I don't think they had a huge interest in finding the person behind it. They claim they didn't know but I'm not sure I believe it…I just wanted to come home and they kept telling me I couldn't…and all I could do was hound them with phone calls to make sure they were keeping an eye of Katie and Jim; making them swear that any hint of danger and they'd be sent to be with me…but that didn't do me any good; did it? There was Katie out there running straight at it and they didn't protect her. She took that bullet because they weren't watching; they weren't doing what they promised me so I had to do it myself. They didn't do their job," she said as her throat clogged with tears. "If they had tried harder; if they had pressed their source and protected that person; they could've made an arrest and this could've been over within months. But no…it had to be left to linger and fester…and I still don't buy that they didn't know who it was behind all of this…they just wanted someone else to do the hard work and my daughter had to get shot doing it…and I get to live with the guilt of knowing I was somewhere safe while it happened instead of finding something I could do to end it since no one else seemed to be."

"You're angry," Bridget stated; her studious gaze assessing her niece; calculating how far she could push and how much she could get away with.

"Of course I'm angry," Johanna snapped. "I'm angry that I let any of this happen."

"It wasn't your fault."

Agitation kicked beneath her skin and Johanna got up from the sofa and began to pace the room. "Everyone keeps saying that…but I'm never going to believe it. It is my fault. I should've stayed away from that case."

"So why didn't you?" her aunt asked. "What were you trying to accomplish? Were you trying to make a bigger name for yourself? Were you trying to be a hero? Were you trying to impress someone?"

"I took the case because it was my job," she answered.

"And?"

"What do you mean, and?"

"I mean what were your reasons besides it being your job. Why couldn't it be someone else's job?"

"Because apparently no one else is as stupid as I am," Johanna exclaimed as she threw her hands up in exasperation. "

"Johanna," Bridget said sharply.

She sucked in a shaky breath. "It was my job to take the case; it seemed like a challenge…I needed a challenge."

"Why? Wasn't your whole job challenging? Being a lawyer can't be easy or everyone would do it."

"Of course it was but after twenty five years; some of it becomes second nature," she said tartly. "I didn't have a lot of big cases at the time; they were small, easily solved. I was looking for something to fill my time. Katie was in college and Jim was working on these huge multi million dollar cases that seemed to be all he was going on and on about…and I was there trying to fill up open places with pro bono work for the justice initiative and any charity work I could find while waiting on Columbia to get around to calling me back for another teaching cycle."

"So you were a little bored," Bridget stated. "You needed something with a little more meat case wise at that moment and this seemed to be the one."

"Lesson learned," Johanna replied; "Boredom in the work place is a wonderful thing that shouldn't be wished away…because look what can happen."

"This man whose case you were working on; you knew he was far from saintly…you knew what kind of ties he had; right?"

She nodded. "That didn't mean that he didn't deserve a lawyer; especially if he hadn't committed the crime he was imprisoned for."

"He committed others…some would say it was comeuppance for him."

"I guess some people aren't me then," Johanna said as she moved to the window and pulled the lace panel aside to gaze out over the property. "I knew what he was…I was a little afraid about going to see him…but he was kind to me; you probably think it was because he needed me to do the job since no one else would…but there was sincerity in it. He didn't seem like such a bad man despite what I knew…being locked away can change a person though. You have plenty of time to dwell on your mistakes and hope you can change your ways if you ever get back home."

"You never doubted his sincerity?"

"No," she murmured with a shake of her head. "He was kind…he talked about his son and how he missed him; wanted another chance to do things right. I told him that I missed my child too; she was away at college and I was always at loose ends without her once her breaks were over. I didn't think it was going to be different than any other case…a bit more challenging but I never thought anything like this would happen. I just thought it was something to sink my teeth into for awhile; help this man go home to his son and start over…and if he blew his chance that was on him, not me; but at least he wouldn't be in prison for the wrong offense."

"So you were just doing your job," Bridget said. "Trying to fill up your time because Katie was away and Jim was preoccupied with his own career. You just wanted to work on something a little bigger, stay occupied; right?"

"Yes."

"So basically you're like every other woman in the world who's floundering in those first years that her nest is empty. You didn't do anything wrong, Johanna. You just did what came naturally; you took a case because you wanted the work; not because you wanted your life to unravel and fall apart. You can't take all the blame for something you didn't even start. It started long before you ever took that case."

"I know it did," Johanna whispered. "But I can't stop feeling that way…if I hadn't needed something more to do, I might not have taken that case and this part that involves me and my family wouldn't have happened."

"Maybe it was supposed to happen this way," Bridget said slowly.

"But why?" Johanna asked in exasperation. "Why me? Why my family? Why our lives?"

Her aunt gave her a sad smile. "Ours is not to question why," she said softly; the saying one she could clearly remember her own mother speaking, but she wasn't sure Johanna was up to hearing about the wisdom of Sarah McKenzie in that moment.

"But I do question," her niece whispered. "I question why it happened all the time."

"I know you do…because you're angry."

"What does it matter what I am?" Johanna asked hotly. "I have other people to worry about. I've dealt with my issues for a long time; they take care of themselves. I have to worry about Katie and her push and pull she likes to do and I have to worry about Jim and how anything I do affects him."

Bridget pinned her with a serious gaze. "You've got a lot more on your mind than you let on; you walk around pretending everything is fine; but really you're walking on eggshells; you're fearful…not just of the outside world; but the people inside your private world. You're afraid, you're hurt, you're angry; and you don't let some of those feelings out nearly enough. You let them fester because you think everyone else's pain is more worthy of attention than your own. You feel like everyone else has to come before you. You're wrong. Sometimes you're allowed to come first…you're allowed to say 'this is what I need and what I'm going to do'."

She sighed; wishing once again that she had headed back to the city with Jim. "Okay; what I need is for this subject to change and what I'm going to do to change it is tell you that while looking at those pictures you gave me, I remembered one of the visits with Mary Alice," she stated.

"That's very nice, dear;" Bridget replied. "I'm glad that memory of your great-grandmother came back to you…but you still haven't answered my question. What was Wyoming like?"

Johanna raked her fingers through her hair; apparently her aunt was going to be like a dog with a bone. "Wyoming was…quiet," she stated. "Too quiet…giving you too much time to hear yourself think about how wrong everything in your life has suddenly gone and how you don't know how to fix it or get out of it because every answer you come up with could cause a lot of harm to the people you want to protect. Wyoming is depression, bottles of wine, loneliness, more tears than I ever thought I was capable of producing, and work. There aren't any fond memories there; just heartache. That's what Wyoming was like; are you satisfied now?"

"What about friends?" her aunt asked; not the least bit deterred by her tart response.

"I had one friend and a hand full of acquaintances," Johanna remarked. "And none of them knew a damn thing about me because I didn't want to tell anymore lies."

Bridget eyed her. "You had to do something though to stay occupied; what did you do?"

"I told you; I worked," she replied. "I was teaching law."

"What else?"

"Charity work for the college when it interested me and going to the gym, okay?"

Bridget smiled a little at her niece's gruffer demeanor; she was truly her father's daughter; whether she liked to admit it or not. "Did you ever call the house and let the phone ring…wait until Jim answered and then hang up just so you could hear his voice?"

Johanna's throat grew tight; that was the one thing she had kept entirely to herself. Once or twice a year, she'd ring the phone at home, desperate for contact, the words on her lips telling him that she was alive; begging him to come and get her and take her home. But then he'd answer and her heart would tumble in her chest at the sound of his voice; her tongue tying as fear that harm could come to him overtook her. Sometimes she'd hang up after he had said hello for the second time. Sometimes she'd wait until he hung up, muttering about kids with no manners playing with the phone.

"You did, didn't you?"

She gave a slight nod. "Don't tell him," she whispered.

"Why haven't you told him?"

"It might upset him."

"How?"

"He'll think he should've looked into those calls more closely instead of dismissing them as the pranks of children. He'll think they were his ticket to finding me and he missed it."

"They could've been his ticket," Bridget acknowledged. "There's no denying that."

"But I can't put those what ifs in his mind," Johanna replied. "It's not right to make him carry that."

"Is it right for you to carry everything that you do?" Bridget asked.

She gave her a sharp look. "Well who else is supposed to do it?"

Her aunt gave her a patient smile. "You're supposed to start unloading the burden, sweet pea. You've got to take some weight off those shoulders of yours; you're too dainty to carry so much; it'll crush you. You have to start relaxing more, find ways to get back to your old self."

"I'll put it on my to-do list," Johanna replied; a touch of sarcasm in her tone.

Bridget chuckled as she shook her head. "Mhmm; you're your daddy's girl, alright. You're just like him when your feathers are ruffled…and that expression on your face; oh my, you look just like him when you do that."

Johanna's eyes narrowed. "Is it really proper for a hostess to insult the guest while she's still in the house?"

"Now you sound like your mother," Bridget quipped.

"Thank you," Johanna replied. "That's a much nicer sentiment."

The old woman's eyes sparkled with amusement. "Alright, sweet pea; come sit back down and we'll put away the hard topics for now."

Johanna hesitated for a moment but then rejoined Bridget on the sofa. "I have veto power this time?"

"Yes dear," her aunt said as she patted her knee. "But I promise we'll keep it light for now."

"For now?" Johanna said to herself. Did that mean they were going back to it later? That wasn't a pleasant thought she couldn't help but think…this would teach her to send her husband on ahead without her.

* * *

By the afternoon, Johanna and Bridget had moved into the kitchen to get out of the way of the housekeeper. The hard topics had been put on the back burner, but she had a feeling that her aunt was only going to resist for so long and they'd be back at the forefront of conversation and she hated the thought of it. It was easier to deal with if she didn't have to try and sort out the hundreds of different things she felt about a hundred different issues…but no one seemed to really understand that. She just didn't want to talk about it…and she knew that feeling was at odds with the person she had always been; the one who would rather talk through or fight through an issue if need be…but this was different. This was deeper. This was the one worst possible thing in her life and she had so many feelings in regard to it. Unleashing them felt dangerous. Assigning anger to other people about their own reactions seemed to smack of unfairness; after all, they weren't the ones who fouled things up or made her flee the state with a government agency.

She suppressed a sigh; no she didn't want to talk about it…she didn't even want to think about it; she had after all been thinking about everything that had happened for the past thirteen and a half years…really it was closer to fourteen now and while she was back where she belonged; she still didn't feel like she had her feet planted firmly on the line like they had been prior to 1999. She wished that there was a day that could go by without being confronted with the thought of the shambles her life had been in for over a decade…but there was always something there to remind her; the media, social media pariahs, a sharp comment or avoidance from her daughter, a look in her husband's eyes…a new slight from a relative or old friend. She couldn't forget even if she wanted to…and she desperately wanted to forget…even if it was just for an hour or two…but she didn't think that time would ever come.

With that thought in mind, Johanna spied the bottle of wine in Bridget's cupboard as the old woman opened the door to take out a box of tea bags. That sense of longing for a glass that had overtaken her during her bubble bath came rushing back with a vengeance; making her desperately crave the red liquid that could be found inside that bottle.

Bridget noticed where Johanna's gaze was fixated and she smiled and reached for the bottle. "Would you like some wine, darling? I should've asked you sooner. You and I always did share a glass or two once you were old enough."

"I shouldn't," she murmured; although the word yes was demanding to roll off her tongue.

"Why not?"

"I…I haven't drank since moving back home with Jim…he had a problem with alcohol while I was gone."

"I heard."

"You did?"

"Yes; things have a way of getting around in the family; but what does it have to do with you having a glass of wine with me?"

"I…well…I just don't do it anymore because of him."

"Jim isn't here," Bridget told her. "He won't know; and even if he did, I'm sure he wouldn't hold it against you that you had a glass while visiting."

Her teeth worried her bottom lip. Bridget had a point; Jim wasn't there…and as long as he wasn't there to see it than it wasn't any different than when she'd have a glass with Katie after he had gone home while she was staying with her.

"Do you want a glass?" Bridget asked as she took down two wine glasses.

"Yes," she breathed; the word crossing her lips without permission.

Her aunt smiled. "I thought so."

Johanna said nothing as she watched Bridget open the bottle and pour the wine, the liquid splashing against the glass like water washing up on the shore. Oh how she wished it was summer and that she could go stake out a spot on the beach and listen to the waves crash against the shoreline; listen to the birds in the distance, feel the sand beneath her toes and the sun warm upon her back as she found peace and serenity. She breathed deeply; her mind drifting back to the summer of 75 when Jim had taken her away from her troubles. She had felt wild and free then, dancing along the shore in North Caroline as Jim followed behind with her flip flops dangling from his fingers. She had felt at odds back then; but on that trip, all that mattered was her and Jim and giving in to almost everything they felt. She wished she could go back and do it all over again. She wished they could just run off like they had back then.

"Here you go, sweet pea; enjoy," Bridget said as she handed one of the glasses over to Johanna. "I think we should have some chocolate cake to go with it; don't you?"

Johanna nodded as her fingers curled around the stem of her glass; gently spinning it to swirl the wine inside as she hesitated. Was it wrong to have it when she had told herself she wouldn't out of respect to her husband? It was most likely wrong…but she wanted it…longing and craving won out before she even realized it and she found herself bringing the glass to her lips for a long slow sip. Her eyes closed as the wine hit her tongue. Bridget had always favored the sweeter sector of wines and Johanna was glad to see that her tastes hadn't changed. Her aunt always managed to find that perfect wine that was sweet, but not so overwhelmingly so that you felt like you'd run the risk of a sugar rush. It was always just right…and just what she had been craving although she had been brought up to be accepting of the various tastes of wines.

"Does that hit the spot for you?" Bridget asked knowingly as she watched her.

"Yes," she replied. "Thank you."

"I'm sure he'd understand if you went out once in awhile and had a glass of wine with a friend or Katie," Bridget remarked as she sliced two pieces of cake.

"I don't have friends; not girlfriends anyway; and my daughter isn't big on the idea of us being seen together…unless of course she has something to prove," Johanna replied. "I use to have a glass of wine with Katie when I was staying with her but when I moved home with Jim, I told myself that was done."

"I see," Bridget said; her tone clearly hinting that she wasn't voicing all of her views on the topic. "How are you and Jim doing?"

Puzzlement flicked across Johanna's features, a small smile touching her lips. "What do you mean how are Jim and I? We've been with you all weekend; we're fine."

"Are you?" her aunt asked, placing a slice of cake in front of her.

"Of course; why wouldn't we be?"

"You tell me."

"Bridget," Johanna said slowly; carefully enunciating her name.

The old woman smiled. "When you say it that way, you sound like my mother when she was about to stand me in the corner for a few minutes."

"If you keep picking at things, you might need to pick one of your lovely corners," Johanna replied. "Jim and I are fine."

The old woman tsked. "Yes; you're both fine on the surface; but darling; you two are in the honeymoon phase of your reunion. You're finally back in your own home; you have the freedom to do what you please and you two are in a bubble…but sooner or later that bubble is going to pop and there's going to be a downfall."

Johanna swallowed a sip of wine; hating the thought of that. "Why would you say that?" she asked. "We've done a lot of work at rebuilding our relationship."

"I know you have; just like I know that you and Jim have always been a passionate couple…a couple that isn't afraid to have a good row once in awhile. I do remember a time when I found you standing on the porch with Katie in her baby carrier, telling me you had left him for the weekend."

"Yes; I remember…Jim mentioned it the other night."

"Well then it goes to show that you have fought before…you love each other madly; there's never been any denying that; but you also have the ability to fight with that same intensity."

"Why do you think Jim and I are bound for a fight?"

"Because you're tip toeing around each other in some ways. You're afraid of upsetting each other; saying what's on your mind and a whole host of other reasons. I'm sure you'll get through the little downfall just fine; but mark my words, sweet pea; it's coming."

"Don't say things like that," Johanna said; her voice sharper than she had intended.

"Why not?" Bridget asked. "Because you know it too and you don't want to acknowledge it? Sweetie, pretending that isn't going to come doesn't keep it from happening. You'll be fine as always…but it might unnerve you…or it could be one of those things you need that you don't realize."

"I've had plenty of arguments with my husband since coming home in May," Johanna replied, a touch of tartness to her tone. "I really don't think I'm in need of more; and if I do need a fight; I'm sure Katie would be happy to oblige. We seem to fall into petty arguments easily enough."

Her aunt chuckled. "That's just the way between mothers and daughters; you know that. You and Naomi had your rows; there were times when she drove you crazy or you felt like she didn't understand or the two of you just didn't see eye to eye. It didn't mean you loved each other any less…it just meant in those moments you were a little too much alike and it made you clash."

She smirked at her. "I thought you said I was like my father."

Bridget's eyes gleamed. "See darling; you're spoiling for an argument now because I plucked a few of your feathers; but it's okay; I can take you and still call you when you get home to make sure you got there alright. As for who you're like; well, sweet pea; you do have a healthy dose of Naomi in there…but you've also got a good dose of your father. Out of their three children, I'd say you are the one who is the most evenly blended combination of the two of them. You have your mother's heart and your father's fire…it makes for one hell of a combination and keeps you from easily finding the middle ground for awhile. Your heart pushes you one way; your temper another…and when they team up; God help the person it's directed at because you love and fight with the same passion and intensity…its what makes you strong…and you're trying very hard to stifle the temperamental side of you and you need to stop doing that. Let it out; let that temper of yours blaze once in awhile; you'll feel a lot better inside, I guarantee it."

"I think that would just cause me more problems," Johanna replied. "People tend to get offended when you get mad at them for something that's your own fault in the first place."

"You see, there's your problem," Bridget remarked; pointing a finger at her. "You're so big on accepting the blame for everything that you don't stop and lay it with the people who caused it. All you did was accept a case, as your job dictated you do. You then followed instructions to keep yourself and your family alive. That isn't something you deserve to be punished for but you keep allowing people to do so because you think you deserve it. Well I'm here to tell you that you don't deserve it and you need to start finding that back bone a little more and using it. You're a McKenzie; have you forgotten that?"

"No, Bridget; I haven't forgotten."

"Then start acting like it," her aunt told her. "I'm not trying to be mean to you or hard on you; I love you. I want you to be happy; I want you to be settled and feel comfortable in your skin again. Don't be afraid of the bumps in the road; you'll get through them, I promise. You've already come through the worst; don't let fear rule you."

"I'm trying," she said softly. "I feel like no one believes that."

Her aunt covered her hand. "I believe you…but I also know you can try harder."

Johanna rolled her eyes without even thinking to stop the gesture from occurring and Bridget laughed in response. "That's my girl," she said fondly. "You start off with the eye rolling and work your way up to telling people to go to hell again; you'll feel better. I'll get you back on the right track; you'll see."

Johanna took a long sip of wine. "Just how far off the right track am I?"

"Oh you're not too far away from it; in fact I'm sure there are times when you are on it…you just take a little side trip now and then and forget to get back on the right train at the next stop."

"Lovely," she replied with a hint of sarcasm, the glass tipping against her lips once more.

Bridget grinned. "Sarcasm; step two in the recovery process; see you're doing fine. You just needed me to nudge you to the right track; and believe me, sweet pea; I will nudge you and nudge you until there's nowhere left to nudge you. Now you drink your wine and relax; I'm through with unpleasant topics for today. Let's enjoy ourselves with better conversation now."

"That would be much appreciated," Johanna replied; the thought in mind that a second glass of wine would probably be appreciated too when the time came for it.

* * *

Johanna took a sip of wine; her second glass now only full but at least her craving was finally being fulfilled, she thought to herself. The first glass and this second one should hold her over for awhile and she had to admit that she felt more relaxed as she listened to Bridget gossip about the family and tell stories she had heard many times before over the course of her life; but she didn't mind…she drank it all in with the same reverence that she used in slowly drinking her wine. This was better; this was the kind of afternoon she wanted to spend with her aunt.

"Is your mother's sister still around?" Bridget asked; pulling Johanna from her thoughts.

"Yes; Rita is still among the living. Frankie tells me that she's living in upstate New York with her daughter Bella. He said she's had a few health problems in the last few years."

"Have you talked with her?"

"No; especially knowing she's living with Bella. We never did care much for each other. She was always more Colleen's cup of tea."

Bridget scoffed at the thought of Colleen. "That little brat. I never did understand why she had the notion that she was someone better than everyone else; I know Frank and Naomi didn't raise any of you that way. Frankie isn't like that and neither are you…I don't know what went wrong with that one. I bet Naomi rolled in her grave when she looked down from heaven and saw Colleen shunning her own daughter and grandson. What the hell is wrong with that girl?"

"I wish I knew," Johanna murmured. "It just seems to be a lost cause with her."

"Well darling; maybe its better that way. You don't need toxic people in your life. I know it hurts you and I hope that maybe one day Colleen will come to her senses; but if she doesn't, just take comfort in the fact the your brother and sister-in-law love and support you; and that at least you'll be there for Samantha and her baby when she needs that moral support from a mother figure. Aunts are good substitutes for that, you know," Bridget said with a wink.

Johanna smiled. "Yes, I know; my aunt comes highly recommended."

"You bet I do," Bridget quipped. "I'm the best; and I'm sure everything you learned about being an aunt, you learned from me."

"Of course I did," she told her. "Who else would I have learned it from? You were the only one who spent a lot of time with us."

"I was always so glad to have that time with you kids in the summer and any other time I got to be around a lot," Bridget stated. "To me; it was part of what being an aunt was all about; if others didn't feel that way; it was their loss…and I got to be number one."

"Which is always most important," Johanna said with a grin.

"That's the truth," the old woman declared.

Johanna had just raised her glass to her lips and took a sip when her husband's voice filled the room.

"Who are you ladies gossiping about?" Jim asked as he walked into the kitchen.

Johanna nearly choked on her wine but managed to swallow it, coughing only a little as her body instantly went on alert and she spun to face him. "You're early," she stated; her tone sounding guilty even to her own ears; and she was guilty she thought to herself as she saw Jim's eyes flick to the half empty glass in her hand. Oh God; why had she given in? Why hadn't she stopped at the first glass?

"Not all that early," he replied. "I said I'd be here between 3 and 3:30…it's already a little after 2:30. My meeting didn't take as long as expected…I didn't think you'd mind if I was a few minutes early."

Her cheeks burned with shame as she tried to conceal the glass she held by lowering her hand to her side and casually hiding it with the aid of the island acting as a cover. "No, I don't mind," she said softly.

"I thought we'd have dinner out here," Jim remarked; "And then we could head back."

"I can cook when we get home," she offered; feeling it was the least she could do after putting alcohol right there in front of his face.

He shook his head, a smile touching his lips although it pained him to see her trying to hide her glass from him. "No; this is the end of our short vacation; you should get to eat out."

"I think we should order something and have it delivered…or picked up if we want something nicer," Bridget declared; picking up on her niece's unease.

"Pick whatever you want, Bridget," Jim told her. "It's my treat; and if it needs picked up, I'll go get it, it's no trouble."

"I know my bonus child prefers Italian," Bridget said as she pulled some menus from the drawer. "Her favorite restaurant out here is still in business and I say she needs to be treated to it; but you will have to pick it up."

"That's fine," Jim replied as he moved closer to his wife; picking up on the tension in her body and hoping he could find some way to put her at ease. She didn't need to feel ashamed or guilty; she hadn't done anything wrong. It was fine if she had a drink once in awhile; she wasn't the one with a problem; and since he knew how to control his own issues; he wasn't the least bit tempted.

"What would you like me to order you, Johanna?" Bridget asked.

"Anything is fine," she muttered; still chastening herself; wishing she could get rid of the glass in her hand, wishing she hadn't indulged at all. He wasn't supposed to see her doing this…and if it was something she didn't want him to see, then it was something she shouldn't have been doing in the first place.

Bridget eyed her, knowing that the guilt of drinking was creeping up on her niece and she saw no reason for it to be that way. "You look at this menu and tell me what you want; just because a man is in the room doesn't mean you need to take leave of your senses."

"Hey," Jim chastened in amusement. "I like leaving her speechless and under my spell."

"I'm sure you do," the old woman quipped. "But she still has to eat."

"The fettuccini in the butter sauce will be fine," Johanna remarked as she skimmed the menu. "And a salad…breadsticks to go with all of our meals."

"That's more like it," Bridget said as she handed the menu over to Jim to make his selections. When they had all picked out what they wanted; Bridget ordered the food and told Jim that he should go on to the restaurant and wait; that it might be done faster than expected since it was early in the day.

Jim slipped an arm around Johanna's waist and kissed her cheek. "Finish your drink, sweetheart," he told her. "I'll be back in a little while."

For some reason, the comment brought tears to her eyes and she couldn't look at him for fear that they'd spill down her cheeks. She couldn't finish that drink…and she could never have another one. She couldn't keep putting him in these situations where he'd see her…and possibly be tempted into his old habits. What kind of wife was she? She was supposed to be supportive of his past and the work he had done to beat his demons…and there she was, giving in to a stupid craving for a liquid indulgence. Guilt and shame battled for dominance as she felt his lips brush across her cheekbone once more. It felt like the downfall Bridget had mentioned was nearer than she thought…because she couldn't imagine that he'd have nothing to say about this. She'd just have to apologize and promise it wouldn't happen again…but she'd have to wait until they were home for that.

* * *

"Johanna, you need to stop," Jim said with an exasperated sigh as his wife remained in a state of agitation, flitting around their bedroom, emptying suitcases and rambling about laundry…and avoiding his gaze. The drive home had been tense and oddly silent; her unease making it nearly impossible for him to start a conversation that might have relaxed her and eased whatever it was she was feeling. He knew that he had somehow instantly shamed her when he had walked into Bridget's kitchen and found her with a glass of wine in hand; but he couldn't understand why; nor did he understand the guilty written across her face ever since that moment.

"Stop what?" she asked; tossing dirty clothes into the clothes basket.

"This," he said as he caught hold of her hands, tugging the clothes from them and tossing them on the bed.

"What? I need to unpack and get the clothes sorted for the laundry tomorrow."

"No, you need to stop feeling guilty," he said firmly.

Johanna said nothing but he could see her throat constrict, as if she was swallowing a lump of emotion.

"Jo," he said, gentling his tone. "It's okay."

"It's not," she said quietly.

"It is."

"No, it isn't," Johanna replied as she snatched up the clothes had had taken from her.

"Why?" Jim asked. "Why is it so wrong that you had a glass of wine?"

"I was on my second glass."

"So? You usually always stop at two unless you're depressed; but you were pretty relaxed at Bridget's so I have no doubt that you would've stopped there."

"I shouldn't have started."

"Why?"

"Because I shouldn't have," she retorted as she returned to the suitcases, rummaging for her makeup bag.

"We've talked about this before," he said, watching her agitated movements as she shifted her attention away from the clothes to the makeup bag she had sat on the vanity and was unzipping. "I told you before that you can have a glass of wine if you want it, it won't bother me."

"Well it bothers me," his wife replied. "I'm not going to do it in front of you."

"So it's only okay if I'm not looking?" Jim asked as he eyed her.

"It's not okay at any time," she snapped, her hands busily putting the items from her bag back onto the vanity. "I'm sorry. I knew it was wrong but I did it anyway and I'm sorry. It's not going to happen again."

Jim could feel his patience growing thin, uncomfortable with her reaction and the raw nerve it seemed to jar within him. "When was the last time you had a drink, Johanna? How long has it been since you had a glass of wine?"

"I don't know. What does it matter?"

"I just want to know; come on, think. When was the last time?"

Johanna sighed, her fingers raking through her hair. "I don't know an exact date…probably early to mid August, when I was living with Katie."

"So it was okay to drink wine at Katie's but it's somehow wrong now?"

"It was different when I was at Katie's."

"How was it different?" he asked with a short laugh that lacked humor. "Was it because you had Katie's blessing to do it? You don't make any sense."

"It was just different!" she exclaimed. "We didn't let you see it…I wasn't home then."

"What difference does it make?" he yelled. "Do you think I'm that weak that I can't see other people having a drink?"

"No!" she exclaimed. "I don't think you're weak at all!"

"That's how you make it seem," Jim retorted. "If that's not the issue then what the hell is your problem? So what, I came in the room and you had a glass of wine in your hand. You've always liked a glass of wine; it's not a crime and I never asked you to give it up. I'm the one with a problem, not you. You don't have to deprive yourself of things because of me."

"No; if you have a problem, so do I," Johanna said sharply. "Your problems are mine, and mine are yours."

"Don't be ridiculous! If that's how it is, then I guess I should shun going out in public because you do, right?"

"I don't shun going out in public! I was just out all weekend!"

"Yeah; in a town where the only people who know you are the ones related to you by blood…and I still saw you looking over your shoulder every once in awhile. But don't you see how ridiculous it is to make that statement? My problem is not yours."

"Yes, it is," she said through clenched teeth. "You are my husband; and anything that affects you is mine to deal with too; especially when the problem is my fault to begin with."

"Oh my God; are we really going to go through this again?" Jim asked tartly. "How many times do I have to tell you that it isn't your fault? How many times do I have to explain it before it gets through your thick skull?"

Johanna's throat felt tight but she forced herself not to cry. "I'm never going to believe that it isn't my fault," she said, her voice trembling. "You don't want to hurt me, that's why you keep trying to convince me but I already know."

He blew out an exasperated breath. "What do you want me to say? I keep telling you the truth and you don't seem to believe it, so what do you want?" he asked as he grasped her arms. "Is this what you want; it's your fault, Johanna. Everything in the world that goes wrong is your fault. There; is that better? Is that what you want me to say?"

"It feels closer to the truth," she murmured.

He meant only to let go of her arms but he ended up thrusting her away from him in aggravation. "You are so goddamn stubborn," he bellowed. "Why do you have to be this way? I tried to do something nice for you; I took you away for a weekend to get your mind off things. I tell you to leave the phone alone, you sneak it into the bathroom and I know you were probably reading all the garbage out there. You ask to stay with Bridget for a little longer, so I leave you there, drive back here for work, go back and get you and because I saw you with a glass of wine in your hand you have to get uptight and ruin it all. Why do you always have to do that, Johanna? Just like the other day when Katie was here, she brought up going shopping together and because it isn't the reason you like, you have to make an issue out of it. This thing about you having a glass of wine today should've never gotten to this point. This is your doing because you can't ever let anything go. I can't avoid alcohol; it's everywhere in the world; I know people who drink; I've been around people while they're drinking. I'm fine. I don't have any desire to go back to that and I've told you that until I'm blue in the face. You didn't tempt me a damn bit with your wine. You don't need to shield me like I'm some little kid that needs to be mothered. If you want to be a mother, go mother your daughter because I don't need one. I know how to deal with life; I know how to deal with this problem; I've been doing it for many years without your assistance, Johanna; and I don't need it now. Now if you've got an issue, if you need to talk about it more, then you tell me and we'll talk about it."

She shook her head. "I don't want to talk about it," she murmured; her soul still stinging from the slap of his words reminding her that he had been left alone to deal with things. "I'm sorry. I never meant to imply that you needed my assistance with anything in this area. I never meant to imply that I saw you as weak because that couldn't be further from the truth. I make the choice not to drink in front of you because I feel like it's disrespectful of me to do it in front of you. I'm your wife and I always want to be supportive of you and anything you have to deal with…and I guess I do it badly. I'm sorry…there won't be any need to have this discussion again."

He laughed without any humor in his tone. "Somehow I doubt that."

She opened her mouth to respond but his phone buzzed with a text and she remained silent as he pulled it from his pocket and read it, his fingers quickly tapping back a message of reply.

"Anything wrong?" Johanna asked softly; wondering if she should pose the question; she might get accused of not trusting him.

"It was Jeff; he was wondering if I'm coming to the card game. I forgot about it; it's at Phil's tonight. I'm going to go because I think we need to get away from each other," he told her. "I'm going to go spend some time with my friends and cool off…and you can stay here and do your usual brooding and crying because you'll sit and wallow in it all night because you can never crawl out of your head. But don't worry; I assure you that seeing you with a drink in your hand won't inspire me to stop at a few bars on my way there and back."

Tears sprung to her eyes. "The thought never crossed my mind."

"Call if you need me," Jim said as he grabbed his jacket from the chair where had tossed it.

"I won't," she whispered. "I won't need you; I'll be just fine…I can take care of myself. I don't need a damn babysitter every minute of my life…I don't need a mother either."

"Good," he told her. "Then you're going to start driving that damn car again and you're going to get out of this house once in awhile…and when Katie calls to take you shopping; you're going, even if it is just to help her prove her statement. Don't wait up. I'll see you later."

Johanna watched him leave the room; heart squeezing painfully. She had made a mess of everything…again. She just didn't know how to do this…how to juggle all the sore spots of the two people she loved most…she didn't know how to heal herself. All she knew how to do was screw things up and Bridget's words about a coming downfall with her husband sprang to mind once again. Damn Bridget and her premonitions; she needed to learn to leave some things unsaid…but she supposed she needed to learn that lesson too. She sighed deeply; willing herself to keep the tears at bay. She wouldn't cry…she wasn't going to wallow; she wasn't going to be any of the things her husband accused her of. She'd be fine…but the night ahead looked cold and lonely without Jim's presence in the house and her heart ached in response. It was going to be a long night; but she'd make it through just fine on her own…just like she always had before.

 _Author's note: Kate will be back in the next chapter!_


	20. Chapter 20

_Author's Note: Thanks for your reviews as always! Sorry for the delay in updates; real life got busy and stressful and when I'm stressed, the words just won't come out right no matter how hard I try. I haven't forgotten Reflections; I'll get back to it as soon as I can; the next chapter of that one is very important and I want to make sure I get it right. Thanks for your patience._

Chapter 20- Rolling In The Deep

" _There's a fire starting in my heart, reaching a fever pitch and bringing me out of the dark" – Adele_

That evening, Johanna dropped the rag she was using into the bucket of soapy water and wiped a bead of sweat from her brow with the back of her hand. A lock of hair came loose from the bun at the back of her head and she roughly shoved it behind her ear as she gazed out at the kitchen floor. She usually used a mop for this task…but tonight when she had so much energy, anger and sadness to burn, she retreated back to the old fashioned method of scrubbing on her hands and knees. She was sure she would regret that move come morning…she could already anticipate the ache that would form in her lower back and most likely in her legs as well. But tonight she couldn't bring herself to care. Tonight, she had plenty of other regrets to keep her company. She blew out a breath and wished that she had turned the heat down before she had begun her cleaning frenzy upstairs; it was a mistake that would be easily corrected as soon as the floor was finished and before she began on the living room.

Johanna breathed deeply and exhaled slowly before reaching into the bucket and finding the rag, ringing it out a little before returning to the task of scrubbing the linoleum floor. There was no question that the way things had gone with Jim during their return home was her fault. She didn't deny that…but she also couldn't deny that he had hurt her in return for her poor reaction to the situation she had found herself in. His words had stung and wounded…he hurt her…he made her angry…and she felt guilty for feeling that anger which, oddly enough, only made her feel angrier. She was so tired of feeling like she couldn't be mad…she was mad; she wanted to be able to embrace the feeling as fully as she used to. She was angry with the people who had ruined her life. She was angry with her sister, with her in-laws, with Sharon. She was angry with herself. Angry with Katie for jerking her around like a yo-yo. She was angry at Jim for saying that he didn't need her; for telling her to mother Katie when they both knew that Katie didn't want to be mothered unless it was convenient. She was angry at his harshness; the way he couldn't seem to understand how hard it was for her to deal with this new reality that she had caused him to have a problem with alcohol…and maybe, just maybe, she was a little angry with him for falling into that habit in the first place. It was her fault that he had turned to that vice…but he should've known that she would've never wanted that for him; that it wasn't an answer…but he had done it anyway and now he wanted to act like it shouldn't affect her or cause her worry at all. He was wrong, it did affect her; she did worry, she did carry the guilt.

Tears stung her eyes but she blinked them back; she wouldn't shed any tears tonight. She wasn't going to wallow and cry like her husband had accused her of before he left. The comment had burned her…remembering it made the anger lick her veins with a red hot intensity. No; she wasn't going to cry…it was time to pick herself up and try to get it together. She'd show him what she was still made of…that she wasn't the weak simpering female that needed him to rescue her every day of the week. She could take care of herself; she didn't need his help anymore than he needed hers. Her demons were hers to conquer; she'd do it alone. She wouldn't be anyone's burden; not her husband's, not her daughter's. Johanna's throat grew tight as she scrubbed at a spot on the floor but she wasn't giving in to that surge of emotion; she refused. It was time to be a McKenzie again…and being a McKenzie meant giving in to the anger; allowing it to fill her, fuel her and drive her. She was sure she'd be deemed wrong for it too…but tonight, she didn't care who thought she was wrong or right. She didn't even care if she was wrong to give in to the feeling…because for now; she just _wanted_ to be mad…she wanted to feel the fire and allow it to guide her. The chips would have to fall where they may; because this time, she was going to blaze…just like her mother always said she could.

* * *

After checking his phone for the hundredth time for so early in the evening, Jim gritted his teeth in frustration. He hadn't heard a word from Johanna…and she usually sent a text to make sure he had gotten to wherever he was going without any trouble. Even during the work day she'd send some sort of message; a generic question or a random comment, just something to make contact and he was used to that now…and it made the silence of his phone seem deafening. He had given in several minutes before and sent her a text to check in and letting her know that all was well so she wouldn't worry as a result of her stubborn pride…but she didn't respond to his message and that wasn't like her. It wasn't like her at all and it made his stomach clench with worry as he played his hand and lost to Zach once again.

"Your head isn't in the game, Jim," Zach declared.

"I've got things on my mind," he replied.

"Hey; we know," Jeff said. "We've all got wife problems today; Craig's wife is running away on a girls weekend to Vegas without even consulting him. Kevin's wife bought new furniture and didn't consult him. Monica put a huge dent in Zach's car; and me…well…you know what I live with. Phil would be wife gripping too if he wasn't afraid that Sharon had bugged the kitchen."

Phil scoffed. "I wouldn't put it past her."

Jeff grinned. "See, you're not alone in melodrama of marriage. We've all got woman problems…you and Jo have fought before; it always turns out right."

"I know; but this seems different," he answered. "It should've never gotten to this point."

Zach grinned. "Some could make the argument that in the past it should've never gotten to the point where she had to go out with Charles Patterson to piss you off enough to make you tell her how you feel about her."

"That was different," Jim stated. "This one is all her doing."

"Maybe in a matter of speaking," Jeff said; "But it doesn't sound like you were all that innocent either. Jo reacted badly; there's no denying that…but you didn't react to her in the best way either."

"That's not my fault; it's hers. She was making a big deal out of something that didn't need to be an issue."

"But to her it is," Zach stated as Craig gathered up the cards to shuffle them.

"I've told her a hundred times," Jim began to say but Jeff waved a hand at him.

"We know…but it's not an easy thing for her to deal with."

"Yeah; well, I think I've had to deal with harder things in recent months, like her showing up out of the blue alive and well, which I still thank God for, but still, I think she could probably find a way to settle down about this. She drank a glass or two of wine; it isn't an issue and she doesn't need to make it into one."

"But it does seem to be an issue for her," Craig couldn't help commenting even though he and Kevin didn't know Johanna as well as the other men at the table.

"It shouldn't be," Jim remarked. "I don't know why it has to be…I don't know why she had to act that way; why she had to get so upset and blow things out of proportion."

Jeff caught his eye and held his gaze. "Johanna loves you, Jim."

"I know that."

His friend nodded. "You may know it but there's something you don't realize."

"What's that?"

"Johanna loves you with everything she has; she knows you inside and out…but there's one thing she doesn't know; and that's the one thing you don't realize. She doesn't know how to be the wife of a recovering alcoholic," Jeff stated. "It's not her fault that she doesn't know how to function in that capacity; she's never had to do it before. She doesn't know how to deal with the knowledge or how she feels about it. She's not trying to hurt you…she's just trying to do what she perceives is best for you; and in her mind, that means not letting you see her with a drink in her hand."

The comment was hard for Jim to hear and he bit back the hasty retorts that formed on his tongue; something he probably should've done with his wife but he had already blown that option out of the water. "But I've told her...I've told her I'm fine; I told her she can have her wine. Why can't she trust me?"

"Who said she doesn't?" Zach asked. "Did she say she thought you'd wrestle the glass out of her hand for yourself?"

"No; but she acts like I can't see it…she and Katie drank wine together when she was staying with her."

"In front of you?" Phil asked.

"No."

"Does Katie ever drink in front of you?" Jeff asked.

He shifted in his seat. "No."

"Then you see; Johanna isn't the only one who tries to shield you. They're not doing it to be cruel…they just love you and want to keep you healthy. You know that you're fine; we all know you're fine and can handle things…Katie probably knows it too but still shields you out of habit. But Jo…well, it's still new for her, Jim," his best friend stated. "You might have to cut her some slack until she works through it. You said she blames herself; it's going to take time for her to come to terms with all of it."

The logical side of his brain knew that; but the other side was still annoyed and angry. "When does anyone cut me some slack?" he asked. "Like I said; I think I've come to terms with harder things in a shorter amount of time."

"Yeah; but she's a woman," his friend Kevin stated. "You know how women are; they can't come to terms with things as quickly as men can. They have to over think everything first…unless it's about buying something they don't need…they seem to do that easily and without much thought."

Zach glanced at the man. "Do we need to hold a funeral for your old couch so you'll feel better?"

"No; I just need to throw the new one out in the yard to make a statement," Kevin replied.

"Throw out a pillow and blanket too and I'll come sleep on it," Jeff stated. "Sleeping in a yard seems more appealing than being in the same room with Melanie this week."

"I've got a guest room if you need out that bad," Jim told him.

"I'd be tempted to take you up on that if you and Sassy were playing nice with each other," his friend said with a grin.

Jim frowned. "She hasn't responded to my text…that isn't like her."

"That probably wouldn't be a new phenomenon if we'd had these damn phones back in the 70s," Jeff replied. "Just think of all the texts Sassy would've ignored back then when she was mad at you."

"Yeah; we've kind of discussed that before; we agreed that today's technology back then would've only gotten us in trouble."

Zach chuckled. "We all would've been in trouble."

"Maybe I should call her…just to check in," Jim stated.

"If it'll make you feel better," Craig said as he finally dealt the cards.

Jim picked up his phone and hit the speed dial for Johanna's number. The call dumped straight to voicemail and fear rushed through his veins. "It went to voicemail," he said quietly.

"That's not surprising," Phil said; finally breaking his silence.

A sense of panic filled him. "Something could be wrong," he said as he opened the tracking app on his phone. The little red dot that he relied on seeing at any time of the day was missing and his heart faltered; his breath feeling like it was being squeezed from his body. "The dot is missing," he managed to say. "What does that mean?"

"Relax, Jim," Zach had said calmly. "She's upset, she turned off the phone. I'm sure she's fine and that she's at home."

"But what if she isn't?" he murmured quietly.

Jeff shook his head. "You know Sassy isn't going to venture out at night on her own. She might be upset but she isn't going to be vindictive enough to go out at night by herself with the phone off and no one knowing where she's at. She's at home…being herself and not accepting your calls due to the current situation. She's always done that; consider it a sign of normalcy. You know she doesn't like to talk to you on the phone when she's annoyed with you."

"Yeah," Zach agreed; "Haven't you been hung up on enough times by now to know that?"

"And don't forget that time she slapped you for kissing her on New Years when she was highly pissed off at you," Jeff laughed.

"I haven't forgotten," Jim remarked as he tried to keep himself calm. "I think my face stung for two days. She hasn't lost her touch…she did slap me over the summer when I was being a jackass."

"You definitely deserved that one from what you told me," Jeff replied with a grin.

"I did, there's no denying that," he answered; his mind drifting back into his worries.

"She's fine, Jim," his best friend remarked. "She's just having a moment; and maybe it'll be good for her. Let her get a little mad, the wrath of Sassy always makes things interesting."

"Easy for you to say; you don't live with her."

"Well, at least you can take comfort in knowing that if you have to sleep on your couch, it'll be the couch you're used to," Kevin chimed in.

"Let the couch go," Craig told him. "It's the least worthy problem at the table tonight."

Jim nodded in agreement. "I'd rather Johanna buy new furniture than stir up this hornets nest."

Phil scoffed. "I guess the honeymoon is finally over…and really that should've been over a long time ago."

Jim shot him a glare. "Just because your honeymoon didn't make it past the first week of your marriage doesn't mean that mine has to end."

"It ended when Johanna walked out the door," his friend retorted. "A thirteen year gap isn't an easy thing to overlook in the honeymoon scheme of things."

"Johanna didn't walk out the door just to do it," he said tartly. "She had a reason; an acceptable one…and if she had asked me what she should do; I would've put her in the car and drove her to that agent and begged him to take her to safest corner of the earth that he could find. Don't sit there and act like my wife left me and our daughter on some stupid, selfish whim. It was out of her hands."

"Maybe it wouldn't have been if she had opened her mouth and started broadcasting it," Phil remarked. "There's power in numbers, you know? Did you ever think of that?"

Jim continued to glower at his friend…who seemed to be becoming a foe. "Do you ever think about how easy it would be for me to reach across the table and punch you in the mouth for talking about my wife in a way I don't like?"

"I meant no offense," Phil replied.

"Yeah you did," he retorted. "You've never liked Johanna; all because she was a better lawyer than you can ever hope to be…which is why your one client picked her over you."

"I liked Johanna fine," Phil stated. "I'm not too fond of her now…and you can't blame people for that, Jim. All people see when they look at her now is a liar. I think she could've found a better way; I think she could've done more…but I don't have to sleep with her at night; you do…you took her back; not the rest of us."

Jim's gaze bore into him. "So if it had been your wife; you wouldn't have taken her back?"

"Hell no," Phil answered. "I'd wish her well and tell her to get the hell back to wherever it was she came from, because we were done…especially after that amount of time had passed. But that's me…you; well, Johanna has always had some strange hold on you and taking her back is your business but I don't have to pretend to be a member of her fan club because of it."

"That hold she has on me, that's called love," Jim retorted. "It's clearly something you don't understand. If people look at her and can only see a liar; then they need to get glasses and have their heads examined to see what happened to their ability to have compassion. Johanna isn't a villain; she's a victim of something she had no power over. She did the only thing she could do and I'll never regret taking her back. You don't have to like her; but you better keep your mouth shut about her when I'm within hearing range…and I'm sure based on how you feel about her, that I can guess why Sharon hasn't contacted her."

"What Sharon does in regard to Johanna is her business. I told her that if she wants to resume her friendship, she's free to do so…apparently she doesn't want to; and I'm not going to go out of my way to encourage her to think differently."

"No; of course not…you've always been a little against that friendship…that's why you talked Sharon into dumping Jo as her maid of honor."

"Are we really going to dig up ancient history?" Phil asked.

"I don't have to dig, Phil; I remember every offense anyone has ever made toward my wife. I might forgive it, but I never forget it."

"What are you boys snipping about?" Sharon Harper asked from the doorway of the kitchen.

Jeff glanced up at her as he dealt the cards. "We were just discussing how much of an ass your husband can be at times. We were trying to figure out what you saw in him."

Sharon smirked at him. "What do you see in your wife?"

Jeff scoffed. "Not a damn thing, if you want the truth."

"Then get rid of her," Sharon remarked.

"I have the matter under consideration," Jeff stated, surprising them all a little. "Now let's talk about a matter for your consideration."

"I'm not divorcing Phil."

"That wasn't what I was going to say," he remarked. "I was going to suggest that you call up and old friend tonight…see how she's doing."

Sharon sighed. "Which old friend would that be? If you're looking for information about your ex-wife, you'd be better off getting that from your kids."

"I know all about Maggie," Jeff stated. "I meant Johanna."

Sharon stiffened, her gaze falling upon Jim. "You got Jeff in on the action now?" she asked.

"No; I didn't ask Jeff to say anything," Jim replied. "I figure if you don't want to call Johanna, that's your loss. She misses you though."

"She's had plenty of time to get used to that," Sharon stated as she moved further into the kitchen to get a drink.

"She's had plenty of time for a lot of things," Jim remarked. "It doesn't mean anything gets easier."

"What's wrong, Jim; trouble in paradise?" she asked. "Does she have some new secret that's shaking loose?"

"No," he said tartly. "And don't you start with your smart remarks about her; she's got enough people dragging her through the mud."

"I wasn't going to drag her through the mud…I see the news; I know she's got plenty of that going on."

"So why don't you give her a call?" Jeff asked; unable to resist the urge to push the issue. "Don't you think she could use a gal pal?"

Sharon shrugged. "I haven't made up my mind yet…it's not an easy thing to get over, you know?"

"No; I don't know," Jeff said. "For me; all I needed to know was that she was breathing and that she was home; that she and Jim had another chance to be together. She's suffered enough; she has enough people casting judgment upon her; she doesn't need it from her friends."

"It's different for me," Sharon retorted as she grabbed her drink from the fridge and moved back across the kitchen. "Now what was going on in here?"

"Your husband was trying to insult my wife," Jim declared. "You know how I've always felt about that."

The former secretary nodded. "Phil; keep your mouth shut about Johanna. I already told you about that. They have enough problems."

Phil gave a nod. "I'll keep my opinions to myself."

"You do that," Jim replied.

"Can I leave you boys alone, or do I need to stay here and referee?" Sharon asked.

"We'll be fine," Zach remarked. "Craig and Kevin can play referee since they haven't joined in the battle yet."

"That's one battle I'd never touch," Craig remarked. "I don't know Jim's wife all that well; but what I do know; she seems like a nice lady who ended up in a bad situation that didn't give her many options. Jim loves her and she loves him; that's all that matters as long as they're happy together."

"Jim doesn't seem too happy tonight," Phil commented.

"And we know why," Jeff stated; "and I'm sure she isn't happy tonight either. It doesn't mean anything except that they're married. Marriage is full of this nonsense as we all should know very well."

Jim blew out a breath. "It was just a misunderstanding; that's all."

Sharon rolled her eyes. "Which translates into you had a fight…like always."

"Maybe I should leave," Jim said; not liking the atmosphere now that Sharon was in the room. He could deal with Phil if he got out of line…but Sharon…well, he couldn't hit a woman.

"There's no need for that," Sharon said. "I'm going back into the living room and leave you boys to your woman bashing. Jim; whatever the issue is with Johanna; I'm sure you'll each overlook it as always and be hunky dory in a day or two."

Jim gave a slight nod but didn't reply; he didn't trust himself to answer politely. He didn't like Sharon's attitude; he didn't like that she was shunning Johanna…but he wouldn't disrespect her in her own home as Phil had done to Johanna. He didn't like how things were at the moment; the peacefulness of their weekend vacation trampled but he was sure it would blow over soon enough…or at least he hoped so…but something told him it wouldn't.

* * *

It was fifteen minutes after midnight when Jim unlocked the back door and stepped into the darkened house. The fresh scent of laundry detergent filled the air and he had a feeling that Johanna had spent her evening doing the laundry she had planned on doing the next day. He flipped on the kitchen light to see if there were any containers holding fresh baked goods on the counter. There wasn't…and he wasn't sure if he should be relieved or distressed by that knowledge. The kitchen was spotless; the counters glistening as if they had just been freshly scrubbed…perhaps she was using cleaning as her outlet tonight, he mused.

Jim turned off the light and drifted out of the kitchen, turning down the hallway to see if his wife was lingering behind the closed door of their office with her laptop turned on and some gossip page pulled up, reading all about whatever was said about them. He pushed open the door but didn't find his wife. The Tiffany lamp that sat on the stand near her desk wasn't on and so he flipped on the overhead light to see clearly. The lid of her laptop was closed; her papers that she scribbled her shopping order numbers and family tree notes on were stacked neatly and laying on the corner of the desk. The piano bench was empty; the lid pulled down over the keys…its surface also indicating a fresh cleaning that evening and he noted the smell of lemon scented furniture polish. He glanced back at her desk; it too had a shine. He moved to his own desk, which he noted hadn't been touched; his papers strewn across it as usual, no scent of furniture polish on his side of the room. His briefcase was still in the chair where had left it when they had gotten home and he quickly packed it for the following day before turning off the lights and leaving the room.

His trek back up the hallway showed no signs of light from the living room but he went in that direction anyway to double check that she had locked the front door. Satisfied that the door was properly locked, he moved into the living room and turned on the light. His wife wasn't asleep on the couch…but the lemon scented furniture polish lightly filled the air there too; the magazines had been straightened on the coffee table; no stray cups had been left behind before bedtime. The cushions on the couch were straightened; the throw she liked to cover up with was neatly folded and laying over the back of the couch. The carpet showed signs of recent vacuuming. She was definitely on a cleaning spree.

He headed for the stairs and climbed them quietly, noting that he didn't see any light up there either. He approached their bedroom door with a sense of trepidation, wondering if she was lying awake, waiting for him, ready for round two…but as he pushed open the door, the blue light of the TV against the background of the dark room greeted his eyes and he squinted against it until his sight adjusted. Once he could see, he glanced toward the bed. Johanna was curled up on her side of the bed; her back facing his side and the door. She didn't stir or give any indication that she knew he was home…the covers were pulled up to her chin and wrapped snugly around her as if she was freezing; but it wasn't an unusual sight for this time of year, he thought to himself as he moved to the chair, shrugging out of his jacket and tossing it over the back and then he sat down to take off his shoes. He moved quietly across the room and laid his watch and wallet on the dresser and then silently opened the drawer to get what he needed for the night.

Jim left the room and went to the bathroom to get ready for bed so that he wouldn't disturb his wife. There was evidence of her cleaning spree in the bathroom as well, he noted; the scents of stronger bathroom cleaners hitting his nose, gleaming surfaces meeting his eye as he went through his nighttime routines, thinking to himself that if she had already done the laundry and the cleaning, she wasn't going to have anything to do the following day. He was careful not to make a mess and he made sure to put his clothes in the hamper so that she wouldn't have to pick them up. He returned to the bedroom, his eyes studying his wife's form…she hadn't moved, still no indication that she was fake sleeping…she still looked cold. He went to the closet and took down the extra blanket they kept there and he quietly crept to her side of the bed and spread it over her. His fingertips reached out to skim against the curve of her face but he pulled them back, not wanting to disturb her slumber. He was surprised that she was really asleep…he had told her not to wait up…but he hadn't expected her to really be asleep.

Usually being upset or angry kept her awake until all hours of the night…but she seemed to be sleeping fine tonight. The only explanation he could find for that was that she had exhausted herself with cleaning and then had taken an Advil to make sure she was sleepy enough to settle down for the night. He wasn't blind to her little trick of using Advil as a partial sleep aid; the medicine always made her sleepy and for as long as he could remember; she'd take the tablet when she had insomnia and needed to rest. It probably wasn't the best idea…but there were worse habits she could have, he mused. If it hadn't hurt her by now, it probably never would. At least she was resting…at least she wasn't waiting up with that tearful, apologetic gaze…or worse; that hard expression of anger that somehow always seemed to chasten him before she had even said a word.

He released a heavy breath; it had been hard not to rush home to check on her when she didn't answer her phone that evening…hard to make himself content with the thought that she was fine and didn't need him to come swooping in to find her doing nothing more than watching some rerun. It hadn't been easy at all…especially with that red dot absent from the screen of his phone. But he had done it…which meant he'd survive going on that hunting trip and leaving her alone. At least he hoped he could make it through it; but he didn't need to think about that at the moment. He glanced at the nightstand and saw her phone lying there; he picked it up to see if she had turned it back on before going to sleep…she had; his text had been read but there was still a notification for his missed call. Guilt crept up on him for looking at her phone and he carefully put it back on the nightstand, noticing that the nightstand drawer wasn't pushed in all the way. Curiosity got the better of him and he pulled it open to find the gun lying inside…she must've double checked to make sure she had put it there when they got home since she was there alone. He closed the drawer softly and then leaned down, pressing a soft kiss to her forehead. Jeff's words echoed in his head as his lips lingered against her skin for a moment.

" _She doesn't know how to be the wife of a recovering alcoholic."_

The words had stung a little, despite his knowledge and acceptance of that part of his life. He had done in his time in recovery and counseling, meetings and everything else it had entailed to kick the habit and stay in control of himself. Kate had assured him that she had dealt with her own issues and feelings in regard to his problem during her own therapy sessions in the past. They had learned to deal with their thoughts and feelings and how to move on from it. Johanna hadn't.

Johanna hadn't been there for any of it…and once she was back home, she had the knowledge of it thrust upon her, the hasty message of his years in a bottle over her had been colored with accusation, loaded with the guilt she now carried…he hadn't realized it back when he first made the remark that he had made it with the intent to wound her, to make her hurt like he did as he tried to work through the turmoil in those early days of her homecoming. He wanted to hurt her, wanted to lash out…and he had…and the wound sliced deeper than he had ever imagined.

They had discussed his problem with alcohol a few times and each time he made her a promise that if he ever thought for a single second of backsliding that he'd tell her and let her help him through it; but tonight he had basically told her that he didn't need or require her help in regard to his past habits. It was true in a large sense; he had learned to deal with his problems without her…but it wasn't something his vulnerable wife needed to hear when she was already so conflicted with the whole thing…when he'd made her a promise that she could help if ever need be. But there wouldn't be a need, because he had no desire to take the turn down that road again. Still, he didn't need to make it obvious that he didn't require her assistance. He had assured her time and time again that he could handle things; that he wouldn't be bothered if she had a glass of wine when they went out to dinner. He always told her that they could talk about it any time she needed to…and yet he had blown this one; which would most likely guarantee that they wouldn't talk about it again.

He knew her; she'd tell herself that it was something she had to deal with on her own…and really she had been on her own when it came to how she felt about his past issue. He knew that she worried that she'd say or do something that would push him toward that habit…but he wanted her to have more faith in him than that. That thought felt a bit harsh, Jim mused as he moved to his side of the bed and carefully settled in, not wanting to disturb her. He glanced to the clock and noticed that she hadn't set the alarm for him…usually she did…had she not done it intentionally as a way to get back for his remark about not needing her to mother him? Or had she just forgotten in her frenzy? He brushed the thought away and returned to his previous ponderings as his gaze took in the sitcom on the TV screen. Johanna was a worrier by nature. She also had her own demons to wrestle with…and he had slapped her in the face with them in his anger. He had implied that she was being a mother hen instead of a wife…and told her to go mother Katie; when they both knew that Katie didn't go in for much mothering now that Johanna had moved home. He implied he didn't need her…and that felt like his gravest mistake.

Jim didn't want his wife to feel unneeded…he didn't want her to think that she had done something wrong just because she had a glass of wine. He didn't want her to carry the burden of his past on her shoulders…she was already weighted down as it was. He sighed quietly; maybe Katie was right; maybe Johanna did need therapy. But he knew how she felt about that…and after the things he had said to her that night, it wasn't a suggestion he could make any time soon. He pondered reaching over her for the remote on her nightstand to click the TV off but then Johanna shifted, turning from her side onto her stomach with a heavy, sleepy breath; an undistinguishable mumble on her lips before falling silent once more, still wrapped in whatever her dreams were.

He frowned, she was still facing away from him…and if she was going to be mumbling in her sleep it meant she was upset about something. He didn't need to be a genius to figure out what was upsetting her even in her dreams. With that thought in mind, he decided to leave the television on; she'd sleep better with the background noise and he was used to it anyway…and it felt like that minor comfort she'd had a habit of seeking all her life was the least he could do for her that night.

* * *

When the alarm went off the next morning, Jim woke up alone. It wasn't exactly unusual; Johanna would sometimes get up before the alarm so that she could get a start on breakfast…but he had anticipated that she'd let him fend for himself. Of course her absence from their bed didn't necessarily mean she was planning on feeding him either. He wasn't sure which option he hoped for; knowing that things were likely to be tense. After all, even though she had been sound asleep when he got home, she had still fallen back into that old habit of somehow managing to keep to her side of the bed when there was some sort of discord between them. It was never a good sign when he went an entire night without the feel of his wife wrapped around his back or her head on his chest and one of her legs entwined with his. Jim scrubbed his hands over his face and pushed himself out of the bed; avoiding the day wasn't going to make anything better. Things would sort themselves out eventually.

* * *

After he got ready for work, Jim went downstairs and made his way into the kitchen. Johanna was still clad in her nightgown and robe as she stood at the stove, not acknowledging his presence in the kitchen but he noted that the table was set for two…so maybe he was going to be fed after all. He picked up his coffee cup from the table and went to the counter to fill it, watching as Johanna put French toast on their plates. He frowned; he didn't care much for French toast…and she knew it. He was glad to note the presence of scrambled eggs on the plate; he'd have to make do with that.

He carried his coffee back to the table and sat down, waiting as she brought the plates and sat them in their designated spots and then got her glass of orange juice from the fridge.

"How was your game?" Johanna asked; her tone neutral amid the tense air in the room as she sat down.

"It was fine."

"Did you win anything?"

"No; I lost the whole night," he said; a touch of tartness in his tone as he recalled that he hadn't been on his best game because his mind had been full with their argument.

"Well, those things happen," she remarked. "Maybe you'll do better next time."

He expected her to ask what time he got home but he waited in vain as she took a bite of her breakfast. He picked up his own fork, frowning again at the sight of French toast. "You know I don't care much for French toast," he stated.

Her gaze met his. "Well I do," she replied. "I figured I could have what I wanted for breakfast for a change…if you don't like it, don't eat it."

Oh; so it was going to be like that, Jim thought to himself. He was going to be fed but it was going to be a menu of her choosing among things he liked the least. A subtle starvation; she was a devious woman. "I won't be home for lunch," he told her.

"Your usually not," Johanna replied. "Why would today be any different?"

"I just thought I'd let you know for sure in case you planned on making lunch."

"I rarely ever do. I just grab a snack if I get hungry."

"What's for dinner tonight?"

"I haven't decide yet; I usually don't make that decision until about noon or one; why?"

Jim shrugged. "I was just wondering if I should eat before coming home."

"Why would you want to do that?"

"You might want more French toast."

Her eyes narrowed. "No; I was thinking more along the lines of Salisbury steak or…"

Jim gave her a disgusted look. "Salisbury steak shouldn't be allowed to even be classified as a steak; it's nowhere near as good. Make meatloaf."

"My other option; before you interrupted me," Johanna remarked; "Was that potato soup of your mother's. I was thinking about that the other day; I like that when the weather cools off."

His face contorted with even more disgust. "I hate that soup and you know it!"

"It's your mother's recipe."

"I didn't like it when she made it!" he bellowed. "I still can't believe you like it! For God's sake she put bacon and cheese in it!"

Johanna rolled her eyes. "I'll have you know that I've seen recipes in cookbooks that use the same ingredients for the soup that your mother did. I think it's good; I like having a few bowls of it in the freezer for when I need something to warm me up. I'm glad Elizabeth taught me how to make it."

"She only did it to spite me," Jim spat. "She was just so damn tickled that you were the one person besides Dad who would eat it without complaint."

"At least I pleased her once," Johanna quipped.

"Please make meatloaf."

Her nose wrinkled. "I'm not in the mood for meatloaf."

Jim glared at her. "Do we really have to do this?"

"Do what?"

"Food warfare," he replied. "The French toast is bad enough; do you really have to delve into my mother's recipes?"

Johanna reached across the table with her fork and stabbed his French toast with it, lifting it off his plate and onto her own. "I'm so sorry I offended your delicate sensitivities when it comes to breakfast food, darling. I'll eat your French toast. As for your mother's recipes; if I want to make potato soup; I will."

"Don't be a smart ass, Johanna."

"I'm not; I'll make your damn meatloaf."

Jim blew out an aggravated breath as he picked up a forkful of eggs. "Look, Jo; I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings last night, but you started it. You had to blow things out of proportion and make a big deal out of something that shouldn't have been an issue. This is what I mean when I say you can't let anything go."

An odd look flickered in her eyes; one that seemed to be a mixture of hurt and anger; sadness and frustration…a glimpse of some fire that was burning down deep in her soul. "I let a lot of things go," she said tartly; her tone clipped.

"It doesn't seem like it."

"That's what you think," Johanna remarked; her tone softer before she took a bite of her French toast.

"I said I was sorry," Jim stated. "But you can't blame me, Johanna; you were going off the deep end…and while I could've said things better; everything I said was true; you do need to get back to driving; you need to start letting things go, you need to crawl out of that dark little corner of your brain you retreat to all the time when something goes wrong. No matter what, everything will be fine and you need to start convincing yourself of that. You want me to go on that hunting trip and yet I don't know how I'm supposed to go and leave you here when you don't even like to step outside the door by yourself."

"Go to work, Jim," his wife stated. "I don't want to fight with you…I didn't want to fight with you last night that's why I kept my mouth shut after you enlightened me with your opinions. I do want you to go on your trip with your friends…you need to go. You need to go and get away from me and work on whatever it is in your head that you dwell on…because I'm not the only one that can't things go and who sits and dwells. You go and you have a good time and I'll be here when you get back. I'll be just fine…after all, I did just fine without your assistance for a long time, remember…just like you did without mine."

His wife had always had a knack for slapping his words back in his face when an occasion called for it…and the remark she just made cracked against him with force; and he wondered briefly if it would've stung less if she had just reached across the table and slapped him with her hand instead.

"That was uncalled for," he remarked; his tone cold.

She nodded. "Yeah; I guess it was…just like it was uncalled for last night when you said it to me. It doesn't feel good, does it? And just so you know, I didn't sit here and cry over you all night. I didn't shed a damn tear," she said, anger making her tremble. "I didn't cry and I didn't wallow…and I didn't ring your phone, not even just to make sure you got there safely."

"I'm aware of that," he retorted. "You also didn't answer when I called you…and you didn't answer when I texted you. You turned your phone off…and I've asked you not to do that when you're alone."

"You're not my father, you don't tell me what to do" Johanna replied tartly. "If you want to act like a father; go be one to your daughter. I don't need one…I didn't take orders from the one I had."

"Oh but you did," Jim said tersely. "Every time he said jump, Josie asked how high…that's why you had to defend him in court that time; because he hung the cost of your tuition over your head and you did it instead of telling him to go to hell."

"Go. To. Work," she stated slowly; fire in her green eyes.

"Truth hurt?" he asked. "You thought you were going to be cute with your little snide remark…backfired on you, didn't it?"

She smiled coolly. "I may not have told my father to go to hell…but I'm pretty sure I told your saintly mother."

Jim leaned back in his chair for a moment, swallowing back at least two retorts. "Maybe I should've left you at Bridget's," he said as he eyed her. "Maybe you could've benefited from a few more days with her…you seem to have taken a turn since we got back."

Johanna bit her lip for a moment as she held his gaze. "I can go back, if you like."

"Don't be ridiculous! This is stupid, Johanna. This all because you had to be uptight because you had a damn glass of wine."

"I felt guilty," she said slowly and sharply.

"You don't need to!" he yelled.

"I might not need to but I did…I still do!" she yelled back. "I can't help how I feel, Jim. If I could change everything to suit you, I would! I'm sorry I reacted badly and that I upset you; it was never my intent. I just wish there wasn't such a double standard when it comes to reactions…everyone else is allowed to react badly to anything I say or do but I'm never allowed the same courtesy. I felt like having that drink wasn't respectful; that it was like I wasn't being supportive in the way I want to be. This is why I don't like to talk about these things…because I don't know how…I don't know how to talk about a lot of things without upsetting someone."

Maybe it was time to broach that one dreaded idea that she had already vetoed, Jim thought to himself. "Maybe Katie's right," he said quietly. "Maybe you need to talk to someone."

Her chin quivered and tears filled her eyes; the sight angering him for some unknown reason. "For God's sake, Johanna; don't start crying; it was just a damn suggestion."

Johanna shook off the emotion that had surged forward; blinking to clear the moisture from her eyes. "I'm not going to some damn therapist and telling a stranger my business. If I can't tell it to you or Katie; then I'll find someone I know that I can trust or I'll deal with it on my own."

"Fine," Jim said as he pushed away from the table. "Be stubborn; you always are. I'm going to work; what are you going to do today?"

"I'm going to my desk and get on my computer and see if I can find one of those self help books; you know, how to be a normal person for dummies or something like that."

"I hate when you're like this," her husband retorted as he headed for the office to fetch his briefcase.

"I hate a lot of things," Johanna responded; not bothering to lower her voice to hide the remark.

Jim's jaw was tight with tension as he returned to the kitchen with his briefcase and he noted that his wife seemed to be calmly eating her French toast once again. "Call if you need me," he said gruffly.

"I won't," she replied. "I can take care of myself…and I won't wait by the phone for you to call me; because I know you don't need me for anything other than being your maid, cook, laundress and your…"

"Don't even say it," Jim said tersely. "Just don't even do it."

She shrugged, popping another piece of toast into her mouth. "I just call it as I see it, darling."

"You're going to see something you don't like if you don't knock it off."

Johanna scoffed. "I'm so afraid."

"Do me a favor," her husband said as he moved towards the door.

"What's that?"

"Get over this before I get home; because if you don't…we're going to have a serious problem."

"Have a nice day, honey," she told him.

Jim jerked the door open with a huff of annoyance and slammed it shut behind him. He stomped down the steps and was getting in his car before he realized that he hadn't kissed her goodbye…that he hadn't told her that he loved her…and it dawned on him that he hadn't done that before he left the night before either. The thought bothered him; he didn't like to leave her without telling her that he loved her…no matter how angry or frustrated he was with her…especially when he knew how easily life could change in a matter of moments; how quickly someone could be gone. His phone alerted him to a new text and he pulled it from his pocket and opened the message from his wife.

" _I love you anyway; even if you don't need me for the important things anymore."_

The comment dampened some his anger but he made no move to get back out of the car. _"I love you too; and I didn't say I didn't need you."_

He put the key in the ignition and started the car just as his phone buzzed with a reply. _"You did; but I understand."_

" _No; clearly you don't,"_ he replied. _"Let it go, Johanna. I love you, I need you and I want you. That's all that matters. Put your Irish/Italian temper away and behave yourself; I'll be home around 4:30."_

He waited for two minutes for a response but none came; nor did he see her appear on the back porch or at the window. He sighed and put the car in reverse, backing down the driveway with the thought in mind that the day was going to be a nightmare.

* * *

After Jim left for work; Johanna cleaned up the kitchen and washed the breakfast dishes and then moved upstairs and made the bed. When she finished, she stood in their bedroom for a moment, pondering if she should really go through with the decision she had made. Jim's harsh words cycled through her brain and she bit her lip to keep from crying…she hadn't allowed herself any tears the night before and she wasn't going to allow it now. She knew she had reacted badly…but she couldn't help but think that he'd crossed a few lines in dealing with that reaction. She couldn't help how she felt…but she figured she could try harder to hide it; and she would…she wouldn't let him see her fears and worries about his past issues with alcohol. She wouldn't let him see her fear or hesitation about going out…she'd show him that she could do it. She didn't need to be mothered either. She could take care of herself; she didn't need any help any more than he did…and she certainly didn't need a therapist.

With that thought in mind she moved across the room and opened the dresser drawer, taking out a pair of black jeans and pulling them on. She then moved to the closet traded her nightgown for one of the newest additions to her wardrobe; a soft, teal blue long sleeved shirt. She put on her socks and zipped up her new black suede boots and then sat down at her vanity to run the brush through her hair once again and to do her makeup. As her hand rose to swipe the mascara across her lashes, she noticed the slightest tremble and she paused; lowering her hand for a moment and closing her eyes. She could do this…she needed things from the store and there was no reason why she couldn't go and get them on her own.

There was no reason…other than the fact that she was still afraid, still nervous…but she had to get over it, just like her husband said.

Johanna opened her eyes and took a breath, forcing herself to relax as she raised her hand and put on her mascara. She brushed a light layer of eye shadow across her eyelids and then grabbed her lip gloss and swiped the dark red color across her lips. It was a shade she hadn't tried before; she wasn't sure she liked it…but she also didn't like the idea of venturing out of her safety zone. She sighed a little; she had to go out on her own…but she could wipe off the new lip color and put on one of her usual shades. Once she was satisfied with her makeup, she put on her watch and her bracelet; her fingers lingering against the amethyst butterfly charm it held. That bracelet was 37 years old…the first birthday gift that Jim had given her, and she had rarely went more than a month at a time without wearing it ever since he had given it to her…up until she had to leave. Her stomach knotted as she pressed the charm between her fingers. When she moved back home, the first thing she had picked up when she cracked open her jewelry box for the first time in thirteen years was that bracelet…and she'd been wearing it nearly every day since then. Johanna pushed away the memory and picked up a pair of amethyst earrings and put them on; another memory pushing forward…the last birthday gift her mother had given her. Her throat tightened but she forced herself to quell the usual ache she felt when Naomi came to mind. She picked up the diamond encrusted heart pendant necklace that Jim had given her for their anniversary and put it on…still a bit in awe that he had spoiled her with a necklace from Tiffany's…especially coming on the heels of finding out that she'd been in hiding for so long. Her stomach soured again; she didn't want to think about that.

Johanna got up from the vanity and grabbed her purse from the top of the dresser, carrying it to the nightstand where she took the gun from the drawer and shoved it inside her bag. She hated carrying it; but she had promised she would…and a part of her wouldn't feel safe without it. She fished out her keys and picked up her phone and headed downstairs to put on her coat. She made sure everything was turned off and moved through the kitchen to the back door; the butterflies in her stomach beating wildly as she hit the speed dial button for her daughter and then pulled open the door.

"Can this wait?" Kate asked as she answered the phone. "I'm working on a case."

"I'll only be a minute," Johanna told her as she checked her surroundings before moving off the porch. "I just wanted to let you know that I'm going to the store."

The line was silent for a second before her daughter's voice filled her ear. "You're telling me this because?"

"Because I promised your father that I'd always let one of you know where I was if I'm going out alone."

"You're going alone?"

"Yes," she answered as she unlocked her car door.

"Where's Dad?"

"At work."

"Can't you wait for him?"

"Probably but I don't want to."

Kate sighed. "Please stay home. I haven't seen any mention of us in the news today but that doesn't mean the vultures aren't circling somewhere. I've got a case to work and I don't want to be worried about you out running around by yourself…and for that matter, why aren't you having this conversation with Dad?"

"Because I don't want to," Johanna said as she settled into the driver's seat; placing her purse on the passenger seat before she pulled her door shut.

"What's going on?" Kate asked suspiciously. "Did Dad already tell you not to go?"

"No; he doesn't know anything about it."

"Why? What are you up to?"

"I'm going to the market, Katie; I need to restock my cleaning supplies, I need some groceries."

"Please wait for Dad."

"No! I'm going."

"Fine; can you wait until noon? I'll take you on my lunch break if you promise to get in and get out."

Johanna put her key in the ignition and started the car. "No."

"What's going on, Mom?" her daughter asked. "You seem off…and you know Dad's going to be pissed when he finds out that you took off without a word to him."

"He can add it to the list," she said; a bit of tartness in her tone.

"Okay; I'm getting it now," Kate replied. "You had a fight…give me a quick summary on your way back into the house."

"We had words," Johanna remarked as she put her car in gear. "I'm backing out of the driveway."

"So much for your vacation," her daughter replied. "Dad sent me a picture; it looked like you were having a good time."

"I had a wonderful time; I loved it. It was the homecoming that was less than desirable. How was your vacation?"

"It was great; very relaxing…although I feel my stress level beginning to spike again with this phone call," Kate remarked. "Circle the block and wait; I can probably talk Rick into going with you if you insist on going now."

"No. I'm going alone. I'm going to call you back when I get there and when I'm ready to leave, I'll call you; and when I arrive home and have my bags in and the door locked, I'll call then too."

Kate sighed. "Mom; I really don't have time to be your babysitter via phone."

"I'm not asking you to be my damn babysitter!" she exclaimed. "I'm just keeping the promise I made; I told your father that I would always call when I get where I'm going, when I'm leaving and when I get home if he wouldn't be here. It's going to take two seconds for you to answer and if that's too much for you, hand the phone to your boyfriend. I'm hanging up now; I'll call back when I get to the store. I love you; talk to you in a few minutes."

Her daughter was imploring her to return home as she ended the call and laid the phone on the passenger seat. She couldn't go home until she had run her errand. She could do this…she already was; she was quickly on her way to exiting the neighborhood. Sure it felt like she had a brick in her stomach and she was constantly checking to be sure she wasn't followed…but she was in the car…alone…just like Jim wanted.

* * *

Jim was finding it hard to concentrate on his work that morning as he kept thinking about Johanna and their fight over breakfast. He hadn't made anything better…he hadn't even made an attempt to smooth things over…nor did he send her a message letting her know that he had gotten to work safely. She'd probably worry…just like he always worried about her despite knowing she was home. He thought about texting her just to be sure that she wasn't needlessly worried but he figured he better check and see if she had her phone on first. He picked up his phone from the side of the table and opened the tracking app that Zach had installed for him. The little red dot that he was used to seeing being stationary where their home was indicated on the map was moving. He blinked once and then twice to make sure he wasn't seeing things. It was definitely moving…away from the house…into the city. "Oh no," he muttered.

"What's wrong?" Jeff asked; his gaze and Zach's now upon him.

"It's moving."

"What's moving?" his best friend asked.

"The dot; it's moving…it's moving away from the house," he stated, a touch of anxiety in his voice. "Johanna's phone is moving away from the house."

"I'd say it's a safe bet that she's moving with it," Zach stated. "She's probably just venturing out for a little while; she'll be alright."

"She's supposed to call me if she goes somewhere!" He said angrily. "Those were the rules!"

Jeff gave a short laugh. "Well, you know Sassy has never really liked it when you gave her rules…and you did say last night that you told her she had to start getting out of the house on her own. She's taking your advice."

"She's doing it for the wrong reasons," he retorted. "She just wants to spite me; she wants to fight; that's why she made French toast for breakfast."

"What's wrong with French toast?" Zach asked. "I love it…you should've brought me a plate."

"Well I don't," he said sharply; "And she knows it; just like she promised me she'd always let me know where she was going and what she was doing; but did you hear my phone ring? No; of course not; because she wants to play games!"

"She's mad," Jeff replied. "You know how she is when she's mad."

"I hate it when she tries to spite me!" he exclaimed; and then as he watched the dot continue to move, worry set in. "What if it's something else…what if she isn't going somewhere because she's trying to prove something? What if someone got to her? I need to find her, I need to call her."

"Jim," Zach said as he met his gaze. "She's fine; she's angry, she's going out because you told her she needed to and maybe you said it badly and she took it the wrong way and this is her way of striking back…which isn't so unusual and might be good for her in the long run. If you call her now, she'll know you're tracking her and she isn't going to take that well even though you're doing it with the good intention of protecting her. Try and figure out where she's going first."

"Zach's right," Jeff agreed. "Let's see if she stops soon and see where it is…if it was something nefarious; she probably wouldn't have her phone…it would get left behind; don't you think?"

Jim nodded slowly as he stared at the red dot on the screen. "Where is she going?" he muttered.

"I'm sure it's probably somewhere safe…she wouldn't venture too far," Jeff said as he closed one file and opened another one.

"It's stopped," he said after a few minutes of tense silence and his complaining that she hadn't called.

"Touch the dot and it'll tell you where she is," Zach instructed.

Jim did as he was instructed. "She's at the goddamn market!" he exclaimed.

"See; nothing wrong," Jeff replied. "She's probably buying you something nice for dinner."

"No she's not," he said tersely. "She's buying the ingredients for my mother's potato soup and I hate that."

Jeff glanced at Zach. "Does the app tell you what the wife is buying, because if it is, I'm going to give you my phone so you can download it for me…it'll cut down on the heart palpitations when the credit card bills roll in."

Zach shook his head. "No; the version I have doesn't include the shopping list but maybe I got Jim some new updated version; I'm going to have to look into this issue."

"This is not funny," Jim stated; giving his friends and annoyed glare.

"It kind of is," Jeff said with a grin. "Sassy's being herself; it's what you wanted…this is how it's always been; you two get pissed off at each other, she does what she wants, you stew about it and drive yourself crazy, eventually the two of you disappear for a day, presumably behind a locked door, and all is well in the universe again. No problem here."

"I've got a problem," he retorted.

"No more than any other man," Zach stated. "It's called marriage; we all fell into the trap…some of us are stupid enough to fall into it more than once."

"Amen to that," Jeff agreed. "I don't know why you all let me do it again."

"Because you were determined to be stupid," Jim told him. "We figured you knew the way to the courthouse to file for divorce."

Zach nodded. "Yeah; and you should make that trip sometime soon. Find something new; Monica has a nice friend…"

"No; no, no," Jeff said with a shake of his head. "It just isn't meant to be for me."

"You could call Maggie," Zach suggested. "She's divorced."

"I know; you all keep reminding me," Jeff remarked as Jim continued to watch his app.

"Maybe there's a reason for that," Jim stated.

"Hey," his friend replied, a touch of tartness in his tone. "I'm not the one who left, Maggie is. Worry about your own marriage; because at the rate your going with Johanna; she's going to be back in Katie's guest room. You want her to do better and when she gets in gear and heads out the door, you get pissed off about it because it wasn't done on your terms. She feels guilty about your problems, and instead of trying to help her through it, you go off on her like she committed a crime. Of course she's pissed off at you; and maybe you don't think it's justified because you're mad that she reacted badly; but you know what; like you told her; get over it. She doesn't know how to deal with that part of your life any more than you know how to deal with the part of her that has so much fear; so don't go acting like you've got a better grip than she does because you don't. You're still trying to shove her into that cage."

The comments made him bristle, his anger kicking up a notch. "I didn't say you left Maggie; everyone knows it was her but maybe she learned from the mistake," he said tartly. "No one forced you to marry Melanie; she's the one that came up with the bright idea and you fell for it, and probably part of the reason you fell for it so easily is that you hoped once Maggie found out about it that it would be a knife sticking in her about who her replacement was. As for my wife; she picked these rules that she was supposed to follow when she's alone…those so called rules are for her safety; not because I'm trying to be a tyrant. You don't know what it's like to have your wife ripped away for 13 years and then have her come home and be harassed by a pack of idiots with cameras who don't even have the decency to stop filming when she's having a panic attack…which wouldn't have happened if she had listened to me in the first place. You don't have to worry about the things I have to worry about. I have to worry about one of those bastards being on Bracken's payroll and trying to finish the job so they can make it look like she has some other enemy who's after her. She did over react the other night; and it did make me angry. I want her to have more faith in me than that!"

"Who says she doesn't have the faith in you that want?" Jeff asked. "For God's sake, Jim; it's Johanna; when has she ever lost faith in you about anything? God knows you've given her plenty of reasons to, and you know what, she's still there. Every day, she's still there…even when you were apart she was still yours, waiting to come home to you. You and Katie think Jo has major problems; well I think the two of you need to look at your own. Katie jerks her around like a damn yo-yo and you can't seem to make up your mind either. Quit being a jackass and let the woman do what she needs to do. Let her get mad, let her yell, let her storm out of the house in anger. Maybe it's what she needs; did you ever think of that oh gifted one?"

"What she needs," he said slowly; "Is to be safe and follow the rules she set for herself so that someone always knows where she is. She needs to use the right reasons; not get pissed off and go out there and possibly put herself in a bad situation."

"News flash, Jim," Zach interrupted. "Bad situations are all around us, no matter what our pasts hold. I agree with Jeff; maybe she needs to get mad; anger motivates her…and let's face it; she's got to have a lot of anger in there somewhere."

"For what?" Jim nearly yelled. "If anyone should be angry, it should be me. It should be Katie."

"You don't think she should be angry?" Jeff asked. "What the hell is wrong with you? She's angry about what's been done to her but she keeps it buried because you and Katie have made her feel like she has no right to feel those things. She didn't do this on purpose, Jim."

"I know that!"

"Then stop acting like your pain is worse than hers. You don't make any sense; you want to help her, you seem to make a good attempt with taking her away for the weekend; and all because she touched on something sensitive, something she doesn't know how to handle yet; you revert back to being a jackass. Stop it before it becomes a habit…because if you don't; she's going to think that you don't want her back; you already made that comment about not needing her…she'll leave you, Jim. She'll pack her bags and go just so she doesn't cause you further distress; is that what you want?"

"No; of course not; but I don't think it's as bad as all that!"

"Really?" his friend asked. "That's why you're tracking her, right?"

"That's for her safety."

"No it's not," Jeff said. "It's because you don't trust her. You don't trust her anymore than Zach trusts Monica; even though she's never given him a reason not to…but he's holding what Claudia did against her and that's why he tracks her phone. You don't trust her anymore than I trust Melanie; because I know she's a lying, cheating bitch. You think Johanna doesn't have the faith in you that she should…well maybe it's the other way around. Maybe you don't have the faith in her that you claim."

"If you have to call your wife a lying cheating bitch, maybe you ought to let her go," Jim retorted.

Jeff gave a nod. "Maybe I should…and if you have to track your wife and make her report every movement and have your blessing to do it; maybe you should let her go, let her move out on her own or move back in with Katie; because controlling her is only going to last so long before she gets fed up."

"Hell will freeze over before I leave my wife," Jim retorted. "How can you even suggest that?"

"Because you're behaving like an ass," his friend replied. "She might have over reacted but so did you; you're not innocent. Close the app, put the phone down and let her be. You tell her to drive; she drives, you get pissed off. The woman can't win with anyone. Her family's shunning her, her friends are shunning her; she's got the press breathing down her neck; her daughter's pushing her away and her husband takes her on a nice vacation and then comes home and starts acting like a jackass because she made a little misstep in how to handle an issue. Give her a break."

"Maybe if you'd relax a bit, she'd relax too," Zach suggested. "You're afraid of losing her again; we all get that; that's why I did suggest the app as a measure of keeping her protected…but she's not the only one who needs to let some things go."

Jim laid his phone down on the table and picked up his coffee cup. "I'm taking a break," he muttered.

"You're not taking your phone?" Jeff asked as Jim moved toward the door.

"No; since you all think I'm so overly protective of Johanna; I'll just let it here. If it rings; don't answer it; it can go to voicemail. She can take care of herself."

"You really need that hunting trip," Zach commented. "It's going to do you a lot of good…you need some stress relief."

What he needed; Jim thought to himself, was for his wife to settle down and behave herself; not go off all pissed off and possibly put herself in danger or a position to be humiliated again.

* * *

Once she was parked at the market, Johanna gripped the steering wheel and breathed deeply; thankful that she had found her sunglasses while stopped at a light so that her eyes were hidden for the moment. She watched the people entering and exiting the store and she could feel herself hesitating about getting out of the car. The driving was the easy part…the hard part was leaving the car and being among people who may or may not recognize her…people who may look harmless but was really someone willing to snap pictures to sell to the media. She remembered the time Rick had gone along with her…she had been watched and photographed then and hadn't even been aware of it until seeing the pictures in the newspaper. What if that happened again? What if the media found her? She swallowed hard…if they did, she'd just have to deal with it…somehow.

Johanna exhaled slowly; she could handle this. It was a simple trip to the store; she'd done it thousands of times before without a second thought. She might have to be a little more cautious for the time being but that it didn't really make it any different than any other time. That's right; it wasn't any different than any other time she had gone to the market…except for feeling like she needed to throw up. She hadn't felt that way about a trip to the market since she was in the early stages of her pregnancy with Kate. A few more deep breaths and she quelled the urge, grabbed her purse and hooked the strap over her shoulder and then picked up her phone, hitting the speed dial for Kate's number as she got out of the car.

"I'm here," she said as her daughter answered.

"Good," Kate replied. "Don't be too long."

"I intend to take my time," Johanna replied. "It's not like I have anything else to do today."

"What's going on with you and Dad?"

"Nothing I care to discuss," she stated as she got closer to the entrance of the market.

"Whatever it is; you're probably making it worse by not telling him you're out."

"Maybe I'm willing to take that risk," Johanna remarked as she stopped to get a shopping cart. "I'm going in the store now; I'll call you when I'm ready to leave."

Kate sighed. "Two calls down, two to go…and should I go home after work and dust the guest room?"

"If it's dusty; you probably should. You never know when you might need it…if that apartment hasn't been dusted since the last time I dusted it; I'd say you probably need to get to work."

"I'll put it on my to-do list."

"You do that; you should probably buy groceries too…do you want me to pick you up anything?"

"No thanks; I'm good. Just get what you need and get back home before the media gets word that you're out, alright?"

"Bye, Katie," Johanna said with an air of annoyance before disconnecting the call and putting the phone in her pocket of her purse as she sat it on the child seat of the cart. She pushed the cart toward a less crowded looking section of the store and reluctantly took off her sunglasses and put them in her purse as well; reminding herself to breathe; to just take it slow…she could do this; she had to…she didn't feel like she had a choice anymore.

* * *

The conference room was silent once again and Jim had managed to find some measure of concentration for his work…until his phone rang. He forced himself not to look at it; not to leap to conclusions and grab it in a panic. It rang four times before dumping to voicemail and he prided himself on keeping his gaze on his paperwork; looking utterly unaffected by the idea that he had missed a call. But inside, he worried that it had been Johanna; that she might need him; that she might be in trouble and his stubborn pride had kept him from answering. He grabbed the phone and checked it; the call was from his daughter…a tingle of apprehension slid down his spine but before he could her back, she rang his phone again. Another flutter of panic filled him as he accepted the call.

"What's wrong, Katie?" he asked as he answered.

"Nothing's wrong so to speak…I just thought you might want to know that Mom is at the market by herself."

He had to play stupid; he couldn't let her know that he was tracking Johanna's phone and already knew. "What are you talking about?" he asked sharply. "She's supposed to call me if she's going out."

"Well she called me," Kate replied. "I mentioned that she should've called you instead but she seemed to imply that you two were fighting and she didn't want to call you."

"That's no excuse," Jim retorted.

"Take that up with her," his daughter replied. "I just thought you should know. What are you two fighting about that's so bad it made her go get in the car by herself?"

"Nothing worth mentioning," he answered. "I'll call you back later; I need to call your mother."

"Don't get too mad…at least no one had to coax her…although I wish she'd stay home since I don't know where we're at in the media scheme of things."

"She's just trying to spite me," Jim remarked.

"I'll leave that to you to deal with. I have to get back to work; I just wanted you to know that she's out and about."

"I appreciate it," he told her. "I'll call you later."

"Jim, don't call her," Jeff implored as he watched his friend disconnect the call from his daughter and his finger hovering over the screen to call his wife.

"I don't have to tell her about the tracker now; I've got Katie's call to use an excuse now."

"Don't do it," Jeff said once more. "She's fine; she kept her promise, she let Katie know where she was. Just let her be or you're going to make everything worse."

"Jeff's right," Zach agreed. "Just let her be; she's in contact with Katie; that should ease your mind. Don't start another fight or you're not going to have any peace for a long time."

"I've got some things to say and she needs to hear it," Jim declared.

"Tell her when you get home," Jeff said; then you can fight in person and if you do it right, you might be able to move on to the making up stage. Just let it go for now; cool off a little; she's okay."

Jim stared at his friend for a moment and then touched the screen of his phone, the sound of line quietly ringing detectable in the quiet room.

Jeff sighed and looked at Zach. "He never listens to us."

Zach shook his head. "Nope…which is why he and Johanna are a match made in heaven."

"Yeah," Jeff agreed; "But somehow their heaven ends up being hell on their friends."

…to be continued

 _Author's note: I decided to divide up this chapter so I could get something posted to help me get back in the swing of things and it's a smaller offering for a change. In the next chapter Johanna will run in to a familiar face and Kate will be in back as well ;)_


	21. Chapter 21

_Author's Note: Thanks for your reviews as always!_

Chapter 21- Rolling In The Deep-Part 2

" _There's a fire starting in my heart, reaching a fever pitch and bringing me out of the dark" – Adele_

As Johanna moved down the laundry detergent aisle, her phone rang. She sighed; a bit put out by the intrusion as she had finally relaxed a little on her trek to that aisle, making it one of her first stops so she wouldn't forget the important items on her list. She took the phone from her purse and saw Jim's name on the screen; for a moment she was tempted to let it go to voicemail…but she couldn't do that. She didn't want to worry him needlessly.

"Hello," she said as she scanned the shelves for her preferred brand.

"What are you doing?" her husband asked sharply.

"I'm looking at laundry detergent. What are you doing? Isn't it a little early for a break?"

"Why didn't you call me?"

"What was I supposed to call you about?" she asked as she pulled a jug of Tide off the shelf and put it in her cart.

"To tell me that you were going out," Jim snapped.

Johanna pushed her cart forward a bit to grab a jug of bleach and to look at the fabric softeners. "What makes you think I'm out?" she asked; wondering if he'd fess up about that secret little app that she had accidentally discovered on his phone.

"Katie called," he said tartly.

"Big mouth," she muttered as she made her selections.

"You know the rules, Johanna," he said sternly. "You made these rules…and you're not sticking to them."

"Yes I am," his wife replied; her cart rolling along. "I said I'd always let someone know where I was going and I did; I called Katie. I kept the doors locked and I have what I need in my purse," she said; not wanting to publicly announce that she was armed. "I also called Katie back when I got here. The rules were followed. I'm fine."

"You're supposed to call me."

"I believe I stipulated that Katie was acceptable person to call as an alternative to you."

"That was if I was away."

"You are away; you're away at work," she quipped.

Jim frowned even though his wife couldn't see him. "You're just being a smart ass…you're trying to spite me."

"No; I'm not. I'm just doing what you told me to do. You said I needed to get out of the house for awhile so I'm out. I needed things from the market; I didn't feel like waiting on you all day."

"Get what you need and get home," he told her. "Call me when you do; I mean it. I don't care if you're mad at me or not; that's no excuse for you not to call me and you know it."

Johanna rolled her eyes. "I'm only taking your advice."

"You're only taking it to be a smartass. Get the groceries and get home."

"Maybe I will and maybe I won't," she retorted. "Maybe I feel like taking my time."

"Johanna," he said tersely. "I'm not playing games with you."

"Neither am I. See you later," she said before ending the call; his voice still heard over the line.

Johanna put her phone back in her purse and breathed deeply; she hadn't wanted to deal with that argument until he found out when she got home…but her daughter just couldn't keep her damn mouth shut. When she wanted her to talk, she'd say nothing. When she wanted her to shut up, she was a motor mouth. Couldn't she have just done this one thing for her? All she wanted her to do was be her contact while she was out. She didn't have to run and tattle like a little brat on the playground. Irritation flickered in her veins and she took the phone back out of her purse just as Jim rang it again.

"What now?" she asked as she answered. "Do you have a request to add to my list?"

"Yeah," Jim answered. "See if you can pick up a new attitude, because this one leaves a lot to be desired."

"I don't know what aisle the attitudes are kept in but I'll keep a look out. Maybe I'll get one for you too. Now if you don't mind, I'd like to continue my shopping…I can text my list to Katie, I'm sure she'd forward it to you since she's playing messenger today."

"Leave Katie out of it," her husband said tartly. "You're the one who broke the rules."

"I didn't break anything," she snapped angrily. "I did what I promised; I just didn't realize that my daughter would have such a problem with it and that she'd have to go running to Daddy to tell on me. Now I'm done with this conversation; don't call me back, I'm not answering. I'll be fine; I can take care of myself; I don't need anyone doing it for me. Go do your work and leave me alone."

"Hell would have to freeze over before I leave you alone, Johanna."

"Whatever," she replied before ending the call and steering her cart into the next aisle where she paused to dial her daughter's number.

Johanna listened to Kate's line ring, aggravation spreading through her veins as she began to move down the cleaning supply aisle.

"Is this the you're heading home call or the you changed aisles in the market call?" Kate asked when she answered.

She bristled at the comment and didn't bother to censor her words. "No; this is the, you have a big mouth, smartass, call."

"Oh wow, you're in a mood," her daughter replied. "What's your problem now?"

"I think you probably know the role you've played in it," Johanna remarked as she grabbed a can of furniture polish from the shelf.

Kate sighed and Johanna could imagine her rolling her eyes and it only angered her more. "Don't act like you're the one being put out by something," she told her daughter.

"Okay; you're mad because I called Dad and told him about your field trip to the market."

"Give you a gold star for figuring it out on the first try."

"Well I am a detective," Kate reminded her.

"Yeah; I know what you are," Johanna retorted.

"I don't think I like what your tone implies," her daughter stated.

"What do you think it implies, Miss Detective?"

"I'm not exactly sure but it can't be good."

"So much for your detective skills if you can't give a more concrete answer than that," Johanna said; "And just so you know; the sentiment wasn't good as you surmised."

"I guess my skills aren't all that bad then, are they?"

"You tell me," Johanna replied. "Tell me what you think I think you are at this moment and then we'll decide how good you are."

Kate was quiet for a moment. "I'm going to go with snitch."

"I was thinking more along the lines of pain in the ass; looks like you lose," her mother told her.

"Oh good; we've moved up to brutally honest; that's always an enjoyable side of you."

"Well Katie; I love you but sometimes you are a pain in the ass."

"You know, that same sentiment can apply to mothers as well…you're not exactly bringing sunshine into my life at the moment either."

"I'm not here to be your sunshine," Johanna told her. "I'm here to tell you how it is."

"Oh God; here we go…make it fast."

"I'll take as long as I damn well please. You had no business going behind my back and calling your father and telling him what I'm doing so he can call me up and bitch at me."

"I think he has every right to know where you are and what you're doing," Kate told her; "And if he bitched at you it's because you didn't call him like you're supposed to."

"I'm supposed to call him _or you_ ; I chose you; and did you ever stop and think for a minute that maybe I chose you for a reason? Do you ever stop and think I have a reason for anything, Katie? You act like you're my mother more than my daughter; well you're not my mother and if I want my husband to know something; I'll tell him myself. You had no right to call him."

"You're making a big deal out of nothing," Kate told her. "I called and told him because I can't always be your babysitter via phone and I can't be at your beck and call all the time. You're supposed to be his problem now; not mine. My job is over. You're only out on your own because you're pissed off about something and you're going to end up being careless and get caught in another situation with the media that you're not prepared for and won't be able to handle. Do you ever think maybe _we_ have reasons for wanting you to stay put or to think rationally? You've always been this way, Mom; you get pissed and go do what you please not caring about what might come of it. Like right now; you're in the market having this conversation that anyone can hear; is that wise? Is that the right place to do it?"

"I'm your mother; if I want to take you to task for something I'll do it, and I don't care if we're standing in the middle of Times Square; in the market, in the center of Macy's or kneeling at St. Patrick's. All I asked was for you to answer a few calls that would've taken you two seconds; I even told you that you could delegate the task to your boyfriend; I'm sure he could spare two seconds while you file a report; but don't worry, I won't ask you again."

"Mother…"

"Now that we've settled that; I'm going to hang up. Hurry up and call Daddy and report everything, Princess; tell him Mommy is being mean to you," Johanna said; sarcasm dripping from her voice.

"You know for that remark alone; I just might."

"Go for it, baby girl; I don't care."

"Alright, Mother; call me when you're leaving."

"No; I won't. I'm a big girl, I'll be fine."

"Mother," Kate said tersely. "If you don't want to call when you leave; then at least call and let me know you got home safely."

"No; I wouldn't want to disturb you. I'm sure I'll get there just fine; but if I don't; just go on with your life and be happy."

"Don't say things like that; what the hell is wrong with you?" her daughter said in a sharp tone.

"You don't have time for what's wrong with me," Johanna told her. "Get back to work; I'm sure your break is over or whatever it is that you're doing that's suddenly allowing you time for phone calls."

Her daughter's voice was still sounding across the line as she ended the call and dropped the phone into her purse. She blew out a breath and pushed her cart forward to the next aisle; she was in no mood to walk on eggshells with anyone…and it might be her own fault in some ways, she could admit to herself; but she couldn't help but think that everyone always rushed to get mad at her without being understanding…so why the hell did she always have to be so obliging?

* * *

As Johanna moved slowly through the market; taking her time, making her selections carefully just so she could stay out longer; her phone would ring every few minutes. Each time she saw Kate's name on the screen she put the phone back in her purse and continued on her way and for maybe the first time, it didn't occur to her to feel guilty for ignoring her daughter. Why should she? Her daughter never seemed to feel guilty for ignoring her after all.

She moved down the book and magazine aisle; her fingers itching to stock up on as any of each as she could, when she recognized a familiar figure in the aisle flipping through the latest issue of Redbook. Johanna hesitated for a moment, unsure if she wanted to approach her former best friend, but Sharon looked up and met her eye as if she had known she was looking at her in that split second.

"Seems like I can't go anywhere lately without running into someone," Sharon declared as she tossed the magazine in her cart.

"I'm sorry," Johanna said; "Are you usually here on Tuesdays? If so I'll try to come on Wednesdays."

"Don't be ridiculous. I'm not going to tell people when they can come to the market…it's kind of like you're here all the time anyway; your face ends up on enough newspapers and tabloids."

"Do you think I enjoy that? That it's something I aspired to? Because I can assure you that I hate it with every fiber of my being."

"No; I didn't figure that you'd enjoy it," Sharon answered as Johanna moved to her side so that she could peruse the magazines as well.

"Good; because I don't."

"Where's Jim? Shouldn't he be here with you?"

"He's at work and I'm a big girl who can go to the market all by herself."

"You probably shouldn't though…you have a lot of enemies."

The well of anger that had been torn open sent a small spark of temper shooting through her. "Are you one of them, Sharon?"

Her old friend eyed her. "Why would you ask something like that?"

She shrugged. "I thought maybe you had some personal reason to make the statement."

"I'm not your enemy."

Johanna nodded as she held her gaze. "You don't seem to be my friend either."

Sharon gave a short laugh. "Well can you blame me?" she asked. "How am I supposed to feel? I mourned you; and then you just waltz back into town and turn everyone's life upside down and expect to be welcomed with open arms. That's not how it works, Johanna. I can't just forgive and forget that easily…no one can…and based on the way Jim was acting last night at that card game; I have a feeling your little honeymoon is over."

Her heart skipped a beat at the thought, but she rallied herself and forced away a more emotional reaction to the comment. "The state of my marriage isn't as dire as you want to make it seem. We had a disagreement…just like we've always had; it doesn't mean anything is over."

"Who are you trying to convince; me or you? Because he didn't seem too happy and he was the last one to leave…like he didn't really want to go home."

"What are you getting at, Sharon? Are you rooting for my marriage to fail?"

"I think your marriage was over the day you walked out the door and didn't come back for thirteen years," Sharon said tartly.

"My marriage has never been over," Johanna hissed; "And you act like I left on some whim; like it was something I wanted; and if that's what you believe; then I don't think you ever knew me at all and were never really my friend; because the people who know me the best should know that I would've never done that unless I felt like I absolutely had to. I'm sorry I didn't just let them do me in in that alley like was planned, Sharon; I know it would've been more noble to my friends and family but I just wasn't done living and I wasn't ready to be parted from my family to that extreme…because you don't get the chance to come back from that one. You don't know what my life was like for those years so don't you stand there and judge me until you've had to walk in my shoes. I might have to have every person in the world looking down their nose at me and have to take it…but I won't take it from you; because you're no saint either. I know your secrets just as much as you know mine. I left to keep my family safe; I didn't tell you what was going on because I didn't want anyone coming after you and making you pay the price for knowing. It was bad enough I had to rob my husband and daughter of my presence; I wasn't going to rob Molly of her mother and Phil of his wife. So you go ahead and stand there and act holier than thou, Sharon. You hate me all you want if it makes you feel better. I'm sorry I hurt you; I'm sorry you had to be lied to…but to keep Jim and Katie safe; I'd lie to the pope if I had to; so don't go acting like it was a personal affront to you."

Sharon held her gaze; taking note of the layer of tears in her green eyes despite the fire snapping in their depths. "You're bitter," she said softly.

"You're damn right I'm bitter; I'm bitter and I'm angry and I'm annoyed, frustrated, aggravated, and fifty thousand other things that you can't even begin to fathom. If you don't want anything to do with, that's fine. I wish you well and you don't have to worry about me walking up to you in a public place. You can just be another face in the crowd, Sharon. It's up to you; I'm not going to beg you if that's what you're waiting on."

"No; I know you'd never beg…you always save your begging for Jim."

"That's what you think," Johanna snapped as she began plucking magazines from their slots and tossing them in her cart.

"What's wrong, Jo?" Sharon asked; old habits taking over despite her trying to resist them.

"Nothing more than usual."

"Meaning what?"

"Nothing," she murmured; wishing she could confide in a friend…but in her heart she knew Sharon couldn't be that person; at least not right now.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

She shook her head. "No; I don't think so."

"Why not?"

"Because it isn't anything you'd want to hear…and I'm not in the mood for one of your usual lectures about how I live my life wrong and you do it so right."

Sharon took the retort in stride. "I never lectured you like that."

"Yeah you did; it was part of your charm; we could be bitches to each other and get away with it…but I already have plenty of people lecturing me and telling me how wrong I am in everything I do. I know it chapter, song and verse; so you'll have to forgive me for not pressing replay…or don't forgive me, I don't care."

"If you didn't care you wouldn't still be standing here."

"I'm waiting for you to move so I can get to the books," Johanna replied. "I like to keep my collection stocked."

Sharon smirked at her; a part of her knowing that her old friend was just lashing back because she was hurt about so many things; but still it chaffed…because she was still hurt and angry with her too. "Pardon me for standing in your way of the latest Mary Higgins Clark novel," she said as she took a step back and cleared the way for Johanna to move to the side of the magazine rack where the books began.

"You were also standing in the way of the latest Janet Evanovich novel and that's an unpardonable sin in my world," Johanna told her as she snatched up the hardback books of both authors.

"Please forgive me for daring to interfere with your reading needs," Sharon said sarcastically. "I didn't realize books were dire needs of yours despite your enjoyment of reading."

"They keep me company," Johanna retorted.

Sharon gave a nod. "I guess that's understandable; from what I hear your social calendar isn't brimming with invitations."

Johanna smiled. "Thank you for the reminder that I have nothing better to do today than stand in a market and be judged by my former best friend. I shouldn't care; I don't want to care; because it never gets me anywhere; but you know, I always had that terrible habit of loving people who don't give a damn about me. I admit that it made me sad to add you to the list but I understand."

"So I'm your former friend?" Sharon asked.

"Well you don't seem to be a current one; now are you?"

"I said I'd call, Jo."

"Yeah; you've called so much that I've had to turn the phone off just to get a break from the ringing," Johanna replied.

Sharon glanced at the floor for a moment and then looked back at the person who she had known since she was seventeen. "I know I haven't called yet; but I will…I promise…I just need a little more time."

Johanna nodded; not believing a word she said. "Then I guess I should give you my number because it's changed since Katie gave it to you."

"Jim already gave it to me," Sharon said without thought.

"When?" Johanna asked; suspicion flickering in her eyes.

"At the card game last night," she lied; not wanting to cause more problems for Jim by letting it be known that he was out trying to line up play dates for his wife. "He told me that when you switched your phone over to his plan that the number changed and that he thought I'd want it for when I was ready to call."

"I'm surprised he'd do that when you say it was clear that he didn't want to come home," Johanna said; her suspicions still heightened.

"Maybe he thought I'd call and talk you out of your bad mood."

She eyed her. "You're a bad liar, Sharon."

The other woman smirked at her. "Well I guess we can't all be as good at it as you are, Johanna. I'd say you're right up there at the head of the class when it comes to telling lies."

The remark landed like a blow to her gut and she found herself curling her hand around the handle of her cart as her phone rang again in her purse. She ignored it absentmindedly this time; her mind only focused on the newest bruise spreading across her heart. It was time to cut her losses; time to make the break, get what she needed and head to another part of the market. "You don't have to call, Sharon," she said softly. "A lot of people don't and I'm learning to be okay with that. We don't owe each other anything anymore; teenage loyalty is so far in the past it was like another lifetime ago. I'm not going to beg you and I'm not going to bother you. If you want to talk one day; feel free to call; if not; that's fine too," she said before selecting a few paperbacks and dropping them into her cart as Sharon watched.

She began to push the cart up the aisle when Sharon's voice called out to her. "I'll call so we can go to lunch while the men are out of town on their hunting trip; okay?"

"Yeah; sure," she replied without bothering to look back. "If I don't answer; leave a message…I won't be sitting by the phone."

* * *

After she had finished her shopping, Johanna pushed her cart through the parking lot with less trepidation than she had when she had arrived…of course she'd had less anger driving her at that point too, she mused. At that point Kate hadn't yet irritated her and Jim hadn't made his phone calls and she hadn't run into Sharon. It seemed like it was going to be one of those days. She had once heard these type of days described as 'a full rich day' on an episode of M*A*S*H and she suddenly had an urge to watch a few reruns of the show. Maybe she'd do that when she got home, before Temptation Lane came on, she thought to herself as she stopped at the back of her car and unlocked the trunk.

Johanna dropped her keys into her purse and made sure her bag was secured on her shoulder before reaching for the first bag in the cart.

"Mrs. Beckett," a male voice said from behind her.

Johanna tensed as she sat the grocery bag down in the trunk. She didn't know the voice; it didn't bring back any memories of a past acquaintance. Her stomach dropped as footsteps approached and she reached for her phone as it rang in her bag. She saw her daughter's name on the screen but didn't answer; instead swiping her finger across the option to decline with a text.

"Mrs. Beckett," the voice said again, closer now than it had been before.

She turned and looked at the two men who had approached her; one carrying a small video camera; the other holding a smartphone that she was sure had it's recording function turned on. She gripped the strap of her purse and quickly typed in 'Aiuto', the Italian word for help in the message box that had opened just in case she needed to hit send; hoping that her daughter's grasp on basic Italian words wasn't rusty as the man with the camera eyed her phone; clearly trying to read what she was typing.

"No need to be afraid, Mrs. Beckett," the man said. "We mean no harm."

"Who are you?" she asked; her tone only wavering slightly as she clutched her phone.

The man stuck his hand out toward her but she didn't accept it. "Emilio Lopez; I'm from Manhattan Weekly…and a few other publications as well," he said with a smile and then pointing toward the man with the camera, he added, "And this is George Hendrickson."

Reporters, Johanna said to herself; just what she feared…or rather, one of the things she feared. "What do you want?" she asked, a little more sternness finding it's way into her voice.

"I just wanted to ask you a few questions."

"How did you find me?" she asked; deflecting the idea of her being the one answering questions.

"Anonymous tip, ma'am," he answered.

She frowned; not only at the idea of an anonymous tip but also at being called ma'am; she hated that. "Who was this tip?" she asked; knowing it had to be a patron of the market…and the thought flicked through her mind that Sharon had been in the market…but for all she knew, there could've been someone else inside that knew her and saw an opportunity for a quick buck…because she wasn't buying that jovial Emilio didn't know who his source was.

"Now, Mrs. Beckett, surely you know that we can't reveal sources even if we do know who they are," Emilio told her.

"Of course not; tips are to be protected at all costs; after all, if they dry up you can't stalk your prey," she retorted; a little more bravado growing within her.

"We're not stalking you, ma'am."

Her brow rose behind her sunglasses as she reached into the buggy to grab another bag while keeping an eye on them. "Oh no? What do you call it when all of you suddenly appear everywhere I go? I didn't send out an alert stating that I was doing my grocery shopping today. These little surprise visits are considered invasion of privacy to me."

Emilio shook his head. "It's not like that at all, Mrs. Beckett. We're just doing our job."

She scoffed. "You'll have to forgive me for not being a fan of your work, Mr. Lopez. It's nothing personal; I just don't care for vulture like media."

"We're not being vultures, ma'am," he said as he reached into her cart and lifted out a bag for her. "We just wanted to talk a little."

"Uh huh," she said as she accepted the bag; knowing that he was trying to butter her up by looking helpful.

"What did you think of the statement your daughter made last Friday?" Emilio asked as he lifted another bag from her cart and held it out to her.

"I thought it showcased what a smart, compassionate woman she is and I hope that now that you've heard from her that you'll leave her alone," Johanna answered. "You need to leave her alone regardless of what she says."

"Rumor has it that she's in a relationship with her ride along partner, Richard Castle; is that true?"

"I don't discuss my daughter's private life with strangers; but as far as I know; they're just friends," she lied; not wanting to jeopardize Rick's place at the precinct…which would incur the wrath of her daughter and she had plenty of that at times. "Really it's none of your business or anyone else's."

"It was Mr. Castle's publicist who released the statement on your daughter's behalf," the reported said as he handed her another bag.

"And you find that odd?" she asked. "You know that she works with Mr. Castle; they're friends; his career dictates that he have a publicist; that's not something my daughter has in her address book; so of course being the kind man that he is, he'd offer the assistance of a member of his team. It's not so unusual."

Emilio shrugged. "Some people might believe that if Mr. Castle's publicist is the one releasing the information; then maybe he wrote the statement for your daughter."

"Well then those people would be severely misinformed. My daughter is quite capable and highly educated. Those words were hers and no one else's…and if you want to insinuate again that she's not capable of doing something for herself, then you better walk away now, because I don't take well to people calling my kid a liar when she isn't."

Emilio took a step back. "No offense intended, Mrs. Beckett."

"Sure there wasn't," she scoffed as she grabbed another bag.

"What can you tell us about your involvement with Senator Bracken's arrest?" he asked; not the least bit deterred.

"Not a damn thing," Johanna answered.

Emilio laughed. "But you are involved; everyone knows that."

She eyed him. "Then why ask me about my involvement if everyone already knows all about it?"

He smiled. "People may know but they haven't heard your side of things. Don't you think you should give your side?"

"I will; in court if I'm called to testify," Johanna stated.

"You have to have something to say about it though."

"Mr. Lopez; the case is open; it isn't prudent to discuss open cases publicly. Surely you can understand."

He gave a slight nod. "I might understand but other people don't…they feel your silence hints at some sort of guilt."

"Then again, those people are severely mistaken. I'm making no comments on the case. Pass the word around and leave me and my family alone."

"Where's your husband?"

She sighed. "At work, if you must know."

"How does he feel about all of this? How do you both feel about the Internal Affairs investigation that your daughter is involved in?"

"How my husband and I think or feel is our business, not yours or anyone else's. We don't owe you an accounting of our lives. As for the investigation; I hope it's handled quickly."

"Were you always in the habit of defending mob members?" the reported asked as she sat another bag in her trunk.

"Excuse me?" she asked sharply.

Emilio gave a small smile. "Joe Pulgotti isn't exactly known as an upstanding citizen, Mrs. Beckett. He was affiliated with the mob. Why would you defend someone like that?"

"Because in this country, everyone, regardless of their past, is entitled to an attorney. Mr. Pulgotti was and still is entitled to appeal his conviction. I was doing my job…you know, like you claim you're just doing yours by hounding me in a parking lot."

"But the question was, were you in the habit of defending mob members."

"No," she said sharply. "I never to defended a mob member."

"Then why this one?" Emilio asked. "What made you pick this one?"

Johanna pulled her sunglasses off to fully glare at the man. "Are you questioning my ethics? Because I feel like that's where this is headed. Mr. Pulgotti sent letters to many lawyers; I answered because I felt he had a good case. That was my job. Denying someone counsel on the basis of their past affiliations is classified as discrimination, Mr. Lopez; you may not be aware of it but the law frowns on that. If a man is innocent of the crime he is convicted of, then he has every right to seek new counsel and appeal."

"Yeah, but a mob member."

"Mr. Pulgotti had been in prison for 7 years when sought an appeal; Ii believe any past affiliation he may have had was expired by then. I'm not discussing this any further. I did my job."

"Some people may wonder what was in it for you for doing that job."

"The same thing that was in it for me for all my cases," Johanna retorted; "My fees and expenses and nothing more. Don't you dare stand there and imply that I was some kind of crooked lawyer. You better go bark up another tree for those dirty dealings. I don't take bribes, Mr. Lopez; I have more pride in my work than that."

"I meant no offense."

"That's your favorite line, isn't it?" Johanna asked, checking her phone to make sure she hadn't accidentally sent her message for help.

"It's true, Mrs. Beckett."

"Sure it is; well let me tell you something, I do take offence. I did my job honestly unlike some people. I'm sure someone somewhere is going over my career with a fine tooth comb and that's fine. I'm not afraid to let my work stand on its own merit."

"Where were you for all those years?" Emilio asked; trying a different line of questioning. "Rumor has it that you were in Wyoming."

"It's none of your damn business where I was."

"It can't be easy coming back from all of that," the reported added, picking up one of her bags to hand to her. "There must be a lot of discord and adjustments to go through as you settle back into a life you had abandoned."

Johanna was glad she had put her sunglasses back on as she felt tears spring to her eyes. The vultures were going for the kill now; she had to be careful. She had to be composed.

"It's hard to believe that everything would be going so smoothly…that your husband and daughter harbor no resentment towards you over all of this. After all, you're the one who got mixed up in it when you took that mobster's case."

She knew all about the resentment her family had, Johanna thought to herself as she remained silent. She grabbed the last two bags from her cart and put them in the trunk. "We're fine," she stated, her voice firm. "We'd be even better if you pack of parasites would let us live our lives in peace."

"Thirteen years is a long time, Mrs. Beckett," Emilio went on as he shook his head. "There has to be some repercussions."

"Yeah, there is; I can't go to the market in peace," she retorted as she slammed the trunk lid and turned her cart toward the cart return. "I get harassed in the parking lot."

"There's been no harassment. I've been keeping this friendly Mrs. Beckett. I didn't want to cause you the embarrassment of another public meltdown. Do you suffer from panic attacks often?"

Shame warmed her cheeks as she pushed the cart into the slot. The last thing she needed reminded of was how disastrous her last venture out in public alone had gone.

"Don't you think I've been keeping this friendly?" he asked.

"Oh yeah; you're a ray of sunshine," she said sarcastically.

"You can't blame people for wanting to hear from you," Emilio said as he and George hurried to keep up with her stride. "You're big news; people are interested. Don't you have any comments to make?"

"I have a few," Johanna said as she moved to the driver's side of the car and unlocked the door. "First, I don't want to be big news and people need to mind their own business. Two, and more importantly, leave my daughter, my husband and I alone. Three, we owe you nothing. Four, our private lives are no one's business. Five, I have no comment about anything regarding the case; not today, tomorrow, next week or three years from now, so just stop wasting your time and go find whatever little starlet might be in town. And lastly, if you follow me home, I'm calling the police and having you arrested for stalking. Have a nice day," she said with a smile as jerked open her door.

"I won't follow you, Mrs. Beckett. I'm not like that. Thank you for your time; even if you are a bit standoffish."

Johanna rolled her eyes and didn't bother to comment as she got into the car and locked the door. She hadn't had much choice but to give him and his camera puppet time; she hadn't wanted to draw attention to herself and she had to put the groceries in the car. It wasn't like she had the option to run. Engaging wasn't something she had ever wanted to do but it felt like the safe option at that moment. Her phone rang just as she was about to lay it down and she glanced at it, seeing Kate's name on the screen once more. She allowed it to go to voicemail, confident that she was safe now that she was in the car. There was no need for a message asking for help; she was fine, she had handled it.

Her hands trembled slightly as she put the key in the ignition; she had handed it but her stomach felt sick. At least she hadn't embarrassed herself though…at least she didn't think she did. One thing she knew for sure; she wasn't going to mention it to Jim or Kate for the moment. Jim was too angry and Kate would say that she had warned her. She was in no mood for that. Besides, she should be feeling proud of herself for managing the situation on her own.

There was one question that lingered in her mind though; who had tipped off the reporter that she was at the market? It could've been anyone inside the market that had recognized her…but Sharon kept coming to mind; her suspicions rising. Her bitter best friend…former best friend. What if she had tipped them off? What if she really was Vixen?

* * *

Johanna was in the midst of unpacking the bags that littered her kitchen table and the counter tops from her trip to the market when movement at the doorway of the kitchen caught the corner of her eye. She jumped; startled to know she wasn't alone in the house and she hurriedly reached for her purse on the kitchen chair where her phone and gun were still tucked away.

"You don't need the gun, it's me," Kate said as she moved further into her mother's line of vision.

"Good God, Katie!" Johanna exclaimed; her hand pressing against her pounding heart. "What the hell are you doing sneaking up on me like that? I'm pretty sure I taught you how to announce yourself when you're not expected…like you could knock on the damn door."

"I figured if I knocked you wouldn't let me in," Kate replied. "I didn't mean to scare you."

"Well you did and it's your second strike of the day."

"Then you should've answered the phone and quit being stubborn; if you had done that you wouldn't have to worry about me using my key," her daughter replied.

"I was relieving you of babysitting duty."

Kate sighed. "I'm not the one you're mad at. I don't know what happened between you and Dad that has you in this mood but you don't need to take it out on me."

"I wouldn't have taken anything out on you if you had kept your mouth shut."

"I felt that he had a right to know," her daughter replied. "Just because you're pissed off at him doesn't give you the right to just up and run off…"

"I wasn't running off!" Johanna yelled. "You act like I was fleeing town!"

"Well," Kate said; "You do have a past history of that; not be ignorant."

Her mother's jaw tightened. "Seemed pretty ignorant to me. I wish all of you would quit acting like I went on a 13 year excursion full of fun and excitement. I went because I had to; I stayed because they terrified me; how many times do I have to explain it before it gets through your thick skull!" she cried. "I didn't enjoy it and I have no intention of ever leaving again, so quit acting like I need to be held prisoner so I don't escape again."

Kate did her best to school her own temper in light of her mother's outburst. "No one said you were trying to run away from home," she said slowly; "But Dad still has a right to know where you are and what you're doing. Things are different now than they were before and you just have to accept that; it's never going to be the same."

"It could be the same if everyone gave some effort," Johanna remarked.

Kate shook her head. "No, it can't. It's never going to be the same, Mom; learn to accept that. This is the reality now; you left once because you had to, because you got yourself into trouble…and now, you have to accept that someone has to know where you are at all times. You apparently made these rules with Dad and he had a right to know. Do you want him to worry? Do you want to cause him to have a stroke or something? Hasn't he been through enough? Haven't we all?"

"Your father is fine, Katie; there's no need to act like things are so dire," her mother retorted.

Sternness touched Kate's features. "Yeah, well, I remember a time when things were dire with him. I want him to stay fine; so quit playing your games of "I'll go do what I want to get even for whatever" because your days of doing that are over. You don't get to do this anymore. We didn't cause what happened, but we want to make sure it doesn't happen again."

Johanna's hands trembled with anger at her sides, angry tears laying in her eyes. "So I'm just supposed to be locked in a cage like some captured song bird?" she asked; her tone tense and wobbling with the effort of withholding emotion. "Am I supposed to play Mother May I for the rest of my life?"

Her daughter stared at her incredulously. "Hey; you're the one who up until a few days ago wanted to be locked in the house while shunning the outside world. What's changed so suddenly?"

"I just decided it was time," Johanna retorted. "I don't always want to be locked away."

Kate rolled her eyes. "Mhmm. Tell me, did you wear your sunglasses all through the market?"

"No, I didn't," she answered. "Would it bother you if I did?"

Kate shifted on her feet. "Maybe I would have a problem with it."

Johanna crumpled an empty bag, a fiery look flashing in her eyes as she regarded her daughter. "And just what would your problem be?"

Kate licked her lips nervously but defiance surged through her veins as she held her mother's gaze; seeing the anger simmering within her green eyes. "It makes you look like a coward when you hide behind those damn things."

The crumpled bag slipped from Johanna's fingers and fell to the floor at her feet. "A coward?" she repeated. "So the truth finally comes out; you think I'm a coward…"

"When you're hiding behind things, yes."

Her brow rose; hurt and anger suffocating her inside. "Then I guess I know why you don't like to spend much time in my company…you don't want me to embarrass you with my cowardice when you've got your big badass reputation to uphold, Miss NYPD."

Kate took a step back; putting a little more space between them even though they hadn't been standing all that close. "Let's not name call."

"You called me a coward; I'm just supposed to take that? Is that another segment of my new reality as you term it?" Johanna asked. "You can fling around whatever words you want but I can't because I'm the evil bitch that must be punished?"

"I never said evil."

"Oh; so you agree with the bitch part?"

Kate took another step back towards the counter near the doorway. "Well, we all have our bitch moments….you seem to be having one right now."

Johanna scoffed, her lips curling into a humorless smile that used to make teenage Kate quake in whatever pair of shoes she had stolen from her mother's closet…and truth be told; it still made her stomach clench and she hated herself for it. She was almost 32 years old; that look shouldn't have power over her anymore…but apparently it did.

"You haven't seen me be a bitch yet," her mother declared. "But if you'd like to meet that side; I'd be more than happy to arrange an introduction."

"I think I'll pass."

"Maybe it's too late to pass. I'm sorry that my choice of accessories makes you feel like I'm a coward. I've always liked to wear sunglasses; they're one of my favorite things, especially the pair I own right now. Yes, I wear them in public at night at times because the flashes of those damn cameras bothers my eyes and triggers headaches, not that I owe you an explanation. In the daytime, you can go into any store in this city and see someone inside wearing sunglasses. It isn't unusual. Celebrities do it all the time and while I'm not one of those, I don't see why I can't wear mine whenever I want to; especially when I've always looked at them as a fashionable accessory."

Kate gave a humoring nod. "Alright, you don't wear them as armor; you have perfectly acceptable answers for why you suddenly wear sunglasses everywhere you go day and night. I'm sure you're the height of fashion with them."

Johanna eyed her. "If you want to talk about fashion; let's talk about this hideous getup you've got on today," she said as she took in the site of her daughter who was clad in black dress pants, a white blouse buttoned to her neck, a black necktie and a black blazer. To top it off she had her hair pulled back in the severest bun Johanna had seen since her mother-in-law had been alive.

"My outfit isn't hideous!"

"Oh believe me, honey; it is. It's so ugly I can barely stand to look at it. Why the hell are you wearing a necktie? Women don't wear ties."

"Some women do; it's fashionable," Kate retorted.

"Whoever told you that lied and was getting paid commission," her mother stated. "You look like you're trying to be a man."

"I do not!"

"You do too. That tie is ridiculous, Katie; and those pants are a bit baggy; they don't fit you in a flattering way at all. You have much nicer dress pants that fit your frame nicely. That blouse is so prissy and old fashioned looking that I swear I could probably find a picture of Elizabeth Beckett wearing the same thing. The blazer is alright if it wasn't for all the rest. You're too pretty of a girl to be walking around looking like that, Katie."

Kate looked at her in surprise. "Lots of women dress like this."

"Only if they have no taste and weren't raised by me," Johanna remarked. "I raised you to have taste. Take off that damn tie at least. You can save it and give it to your father as a gift if you want, but take it off, you don't look good with that thing on…you look ridiculous."

"Ridiculous!" Kate shouted.

Her mother nodded. "Hey, it could be worse; I could've found some reason to call you a coward."

She bit back a biting retort and decided to switch tactics. "My outfit is no different than when you'd wear dress pants, a blouse and a blazer to work at times."

"It is different; my clothes fit me correctly. My pants were tailored to fit my hips so they didn't look baggy; my blazers were the appropriate length for a woman and any time I tried to buy a prissy blouse, your father threw it in the garbage and forbade me to wear ugly things."

Kate smirked at her. "Rick thinks my outfit is cute."

Johanna smirked back. "Rick wants to get in your pants. You could wear a flour sack and he wouldn't care as long as you're willing to take it off and crawl in bed with him later."

"Mother!"

"It's the truth," Johanna said with a shrug. "I should know after all; your father enlightened me to a man's way of thinking about clothes long ago. He told me before we were even dating that women didn't have to try so hard; all we had to do was be willing to take the clothes off at the end of the night and the man would be happy."

Kate held up a hand. "We are now changing the subject; because one, I don't even want to think about what you were doing at that time that made the two of you have that conversation; and two, I don't want to have that conversation about my relationship; and three, you're just trying to get even because you're mad about what I said about your sunglasses."

"No; that's not true; I honestly think that outfit is the ugliest thing I've ever seen you wear. If I had known that you owned it while I was staying with you, I would've disposed of it."

"It's new," Kate replied.

"Good; go home and change and take it back after work."

"No!"

"Fine; go upstairs and get something out of my closet to put on and tell me where your receipt is; I'll take it back for you and pick you out some decent work attire to take its place."

"No!"

Johanna sighed. "Then at least do something about your hair."

"What's wrong with my hair?"

"You've got it pulled back so skin tight over the back of your head that I'm surprised your eyeballs haven't popped out from the strain. If you want your hair in a bun that's fine, but make it a softer one like usual. This thing you've got going on here is way too severe, Katie. It makes you look harsh."

"Good," she replied. "I'm a cop; not a kindergarten teacher."

"Just because you chose law enforcement doesn't mean you have to wear your hair like that; you never have before…if you're going to have your ears sticking out like that then at least put some earrings on so they don't look so naked and they'll detract from the severe hairdo a little."

"We're not supposed to wear earrings on the job; a criminal could grab a hold of them, Mother."

"Then you really shouldn't wear your hair like that….you look like Elizabeth Beckett. I think that's part of why she was in a bad mood all the time; her hair was put up so tightly it had to be pulling on her brain and causing damage. That's not a look you want…don't look like your grandmother. It gives me an intense urge to smack you."

"Funny," Kate said; "I've got an urge to smack you."

"Bring it on," Johanna told her. "I'm ready."

She laughed. "Trust me, you're not."

"That's what you think."

Kate held up a hand in surrender. "Look; let's not do this. What's going on that has you in this mood…because I have to say this isn't one of your better sides; you're no fun when you're like this."

"Add it to my list of sins," Johanna retorted as she turned back to the groceries and began to finish unpacking.

"Did you buy any steaks?" Kate asked; diverting from the topic for a moment.

"No; he's getting meatloaf," her mother replied as she shoved some TV dinners into the freezer.

"I'm not sure where meatloaf falls in the scheme of things…it's easier when steak is on the menu."

"He wants meatloaf."

"Okay; and what do you want?"

"I want people to get off my back," Johanna replied. "But that's not on the menu either."

"Uh huh," Kate murmured. "So Dad's on your back about something?"

"The whole world is on my back for one thing or another, Katie; you ought to know that by now."

Kate moved closer; sensing that some of the anger that her mother was harboring was dwindling in intensity. "Do you want to narrow that down?"

Johanna shook her head. "It's nothing."

"If it was nothing you wouldn't be so pissed off."

"I can deal with it on my own; you should probably be getting back to work; I thought you were on a case."

"I was but it's stalled at the moment. We know who did it but he fled to Connecticut and now has to be extradited once the police there are done processing him," Kate replied. "No one will care much if I take a longer lunch break now that things have been handled."

"Your boss might care."

"She's at lunch too…she also knows I stop to check in on you from time to time; I'm sure she'll understand if she happens to bring it up. Now what's going on?"

"I told you; it's nothing."

"It's not nothing," she said as she moved to stand behind her mother, wrapping her arms around her in a makeshift hug as Johanna stared out the small window above the kitchen sink. "Just tell me and you'll feel better…that's what you've always told me."

Johanna sighed. "I did something that I shouldn't have, panicked about it and my husband took offense to my reaction about what I had done. My daughter's being a big mouthed tattle tale wearing ugly clothes and I ran into Sharon at the market."

Kate closed her eyes and hugged her mother a little tighter. "I can't apologize for being a tattle tale, although I know you want me to. I take it that things didn't go well with Sharon?"

"No; but I expected as much…she called me a liar, implied that I've just waltzed back into everyone's lives expecting no consequences and that my marriage is failing."

"Why would she say that your marriage is failing?"

"Because your father didn't look happy at his poker game last night and apparently was the last one to leave."

"That doesn't mean your marriage is failing; you and Dad have always had your fights or misunderstandings…you're still together so clearly you know how to make it work. What time did he get home?"

"I don't know; I was asleep. The last time I looked at the clock it was 11:25 and there wasn't any sign of him. He told me not to wait up so I turned out the light and went to sleep."

"It doesn't seem unusual that he'd get home around that time or midnight from the game; they seem to run a bit long…I think you had to shoo them out of here that night it was Dad's turn to hold the game. It was getting late then too, wasn't it?"

"Yes."

"Then tell her to shut the hell up and worry about her own business."

"She wasn't happy to run into me again at the market."

"Well then she can shop elsewhere. I don't know what her problem is but she can either get over it or change her habits," Kate remarked. "I am sorry though that it didn't go better for you."

Johanna shrugged as her daughter's hold on her slipped away. "It doesn't matter anymore. That friendship is in the past; it's not coming back. It's hard to accept but I'll get over it in a few days."

Kate doubted that but she refrained from saying so. "What did you do that caused a fight between you and Dad?"

"I'd rather not discuss it," Johanna replied.

"Maybe you need to discuss it."

Her mother smirked. "Look at you being all big on discussion these days…makes me think about all the times you hung up on me or let me talk to your voicemail…or ignored me while I was in the same room with you."

"That was…different," she stated. "I was angry with you."

"You still are."

"No I'm not; don't go there. Now tell me what the problem is here today and maybe it can get resolved."

"You can't resolve it," Johanna murmured.

"Maybe I can help you resolve it."

She wished that she could confide in her daughter but she didn't feel entirely comfortable with that idea given the topic. She was sure that Kate probably blamed her for Jim's past drinking habits as much as she blamed herself; how could she not? She didn't know if she could face hearing the confirmation of those thoughts however.

"It can't be that bad, can it?" Kate asked.

"I don't know."

Her daughter sighed. "Is it on the cringe worthy scale?" she asked. "Is this another one of those things that involves your sex life?"

"No!" Johanna exclaimed. "We don't have any problems in that area!"

Kate cringed a little. "I didn't want to know details but good for you. If it's not about that, there isn't a reason why we can't discuss it. Is it something to do with Melanie; did she stop in for that promised visit to Dad?" she lightly teased.

Johanna eyed her. "Do you see blood on the floor and fresh dirt in the yard?"

"No but I do see you bought bleach at the market."

"It's nothing like that."

"Then just tell me what it is."

"Maybe I fear your reaction or opinion," Johanna admitted.

Kate held her gaze; if she wanted her mother to tell her what was going on she was probably going to have to wheel and deal a little to make it happen. "What if I said I'd try not to jump to conclusions or have knee jerk reactions?"

Her mother toyed with her rings. "I don't know."

"What if I fix my hair in a way that doesn't remind you of Grandma Beckett?"

"And you'll lose the tie?"

Kate rolled her eyes. "Mother, if that's what's going to get us through this day, then yes, I'll fix my hair and lose the tie."

Johanna gave her a small smile. "Okay; you do that and I'll finish putting the groceries away…and just in case you'd decide to change clothes while you're upstairs, my work clothes are in the guest room closet."

Kate blew out a breath and headed for the doorway. "The things I have to go through with you, Mother."

"If you think this is bad, try 22 hours of labor and feeling like a watermelon is being squeezed out of your…"

"Stop!" Kate yelled. "Just stop; I'll look at the clothes if you just don't finish that sentence."

"Okay. If you don't like anything in the guest room; you can look in the closet in my bedroom."

"Oh believe me, I will," Kate said, shaking her head as she left the room.

* * *

A short while later, Kate carried a pair of black dress pants that she had taken from the guest room closet into her mother's bedroom and laid them on the bed. She then went to the closet and opened the door, her hands reaching in and quickly sorting through her mother's selection of tops. She grabbed a dark purple long sleeved shirt and was about to close the door when she spotted a pair of cute plum colored heels on the floor of the closet. Since her mother wanted to change her look for the day, she figured she could bear the sacrifice of a pair of shoes and she quickly snatched them and closed the door.

Kate kicked off her own shoes, took off her gun and badge and pulled off the clothes her mother detested and pulled on the pair of dress pants she had borrowed…hating that her mother was right and that they fit her better than the pair she had been wearing, despite her thought that the look had been fashionable. She frowned; God she hated it when her mother was right. She pulled on the top and slipped on the heels, returned her badge and gun to their rightful places and then moved to her mother's vanity and sat down to unpin her hair. She ran the brush through her chestnut colored locks and decided to leave it down as usual. Hopefully her mother would be satisfied now and she could get to the bottom of whatever issue was ailing Johanna Beckett today. She sighed; sometimes the woman drove her crazy.

* * *

"Much better," Johanna said as Kate walked back into the kitchen. "Now you look like my daughter and the world can see how beautiful you are."

"I'm glad you're satisfied," she replied as she sat down at the table, noting the two cups of hot tea that had been sat there. "Now; I fulfilled my end of the deal; let's hear what your problem is today."

"When you say it like that it sounds so comforting and inviting, Katie," Johanna said, a touch of sarcasm in her voice.

"You're the one beating around the bush; I changed my clothes to make you happy; now get on with it."

"What did you do with your clothes?"

"I left them in your room."

"The tie too?"

"Yes."

"I'm glad you told me; I don't want your father going up there and seeing that stuff. He'll think I had a man here and I'll be laying out in the middle of the street praying my phone works enough to call and ask you to come scrape me off the pavement."

"Oh my God; some guy from Wyoming didn't call you, did they? Did that Jack person call you again?"

"No! God no. He doesn't even have my number since it's been changed. I don't think he has the guts to try to contact me after your father grabbed a hold of him and I don't want him contacting me."

"Okay; so there are no accusations of affairs this time; good. Did you over spend on the credit cards? Because you've been known to do that a time or two before."

"No."

"Did you put a dent in the car?"

"No."

"Did you turn the channel while a ball game was on?"

"No."

"You're not leaving a lot of options, Mom. Just say it and get it over with."

Johanna sighed, squirming in her chair as she finally set about telling her daughter what happened. When she finished, silence filled the air and she kept her gaze focused on the table, afraid of what she'd see in her daughter's face.

Kate drummed her fingers on the table, trying to choose her words carefully and feeling like she was failing miserably. "Okay…it's not an issue that you drank wine; we drank wine when you were staying with me."

"I know; but we didn't let him see it…you seemed to make that point and I guess I just followed your lead because I thought that's what was best. I never questioned it, it seemed logical."

"I trust Dad that he's fine and that he isn't tempted by other people to drink," Kate said slowly; "But I'm not comfortable drinking in front of him which is why I do my best not to let him see me do it."

Johanna shifted in her seat. "I'm not comfortable with it either…and I panicked."

"Yes, I can tell from what you've told me…and that was the worst thing you could do."

"Yeah, I've noticed."

"So why are you mad that he's mad about how you acted?" Kate asked.

"Because he crossed a line and it hurt me…it made me angry."

"I don't think you get to be angry about this," her daughter retorted. "You're the one with a problem…a lot of problems. You're the one who panicked, you're the one who made a big deal out of it; you're the one who made him angry. This is your fault; and if he hurt your feelings, it's because you pissed him off by behaving in the dramatic way you have a habit of doing. You always make everything worse than it has to be, Mom. Why do you do that? Why can't you just ever accept someone's angry with you and just walk away and let it sort itself out? Why do you always have to push or get mad and go off the handle? Why? This isn't on him; it's on you."

"I never said it wasn't," Johanna replied; her gaze fixated on the cooling liquid in her cup.

"And yet you're mad at him."

"I told you why."

"It doesn't matter if your feelings were hurt; you don't have a right to be mad at him," Kate told her.

Johanna scoffed softly. "Seems like I never have a right to anything I feel. I shouldn't feel worried or afraid or angry or depressed or anything else. I can only feel something if it's been pre-approved as an acceptable emotion to have in conjunction with whatever is going on in my life that day."

"Don't give me that," her daughter said sharply. "You just make everything about you and while doing it, make things worse for yourself and everyone around you. If you don't want to have to worry about Dad, then quit making things into big issues, quit getting mad and running off to do what you please without letting him know. He's not the problem here, you are."

Why wasn't she surprised? Johanna thought to herself. She knew she was a problem; she didn't need it spelled out for her. She didn't know how to respond though; she feared she had made a mistake in confiding to Kate. She should've found someone else…and the only other option would've been Valerie…Valerie would've been a better choice but as usual, she had played the wrong card. She was stupid as her father had always proclaimed.

"Nothing Dad said to you was a lie, you know. He might've said it harshly but it's all the truth…and you always said you'd rather have the truth than a lie," Kate reminded her.

"That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt sometimes."

Kate sighed. "What was it that he said that 'hurt' you so badly that's lead to this huge temper tantrum of yours?"

She didn't want to answer; she just wanted to end the conversation and send her daughter on her way so she could be alone.

"Well?"

'He said he doesn't need me," she replied.

Kate's brow rose as if she didn't believe the words. "I want the exact wording that you took that idea from."

Johanna told her exactly what Jim had said; knowing that she was once again going to be told that she had no right to be angry or hurt by his words.

"He's right," Kate confirmed. "He doesn't need you to help him deal with anything in that area. He knows how to deal with the issue; he's been doing it for a long time, and you weren't here for it, so why get mad when it's brought up? You weren't here, Mom. People learned to take care of themselves and get through life the best they could. You can't rewind the clock and change us now. I'm not a kid; I don't need you like I did back then. I'm an adult; I have my own life and don't need you holding my hand. Dad learned how to function without you managing the house, his meals and his problems. He learned to take care of himself once more. Your friends and family learned to go on without your presence; no one had a choice. You don't get to be mad about that."

Hurt rippled through her soul; the confirmation that she was unneeded in the lives of her family making her ache just as much as the reminder that she had been gone for so long. It suddenly made her wonder why she was there. They didn't need her; they could function without her…maybe they had even been happier before her reappearance than they were now. She may have helped Kate bring an end to the case, but had she made things worse for the people she loved by staying? Should she have gone back to Wyoming and carried on the best she could? Her throat grew tight at the thought…they could've told her so; she'd made that clear so many times. If they had asked her to go back, she would have. She would've left them in peace once the truth had been revealed and the threat removed.

"What are you thinking about?" Kate asked; jarring her from her thoughts.

Johanna shook her head. "Nothing," she said softly as she picked up her cup of tea and took a drink, hoping the liquid would wash away the lump lying in her throat.

"You know that's not true."

"Maybe I like to keep some things to myself," she murmured. "You should be getting back to work; you've been here awhile now."

"Any other time you want me to stay," Kate remarked.

"I've got things to do, Katie," Johanna said as she got up from her chair.

"Like what? Pout and feel sorry for yourself? You need to get over this, Mom."

"Yeah; I know. I need to get over a lot of things, like not being needed. That's no one's problem but mine and I need to resolve it on my own. I'll try to do better, Katie."

"You keep saying that and yet it doesn't seem like you're making any progress with getting past things. I really think you should consider going to a therapist."

"I don't need a therapist!" she yelled angrily; hot tears filling her eyes. "I need a friend! I need someone who isn't you or Jim; I need someone who knows me, who understands me and won't judge me if I blink the wrong way. Someone outside of this family that I don't have to worry about tip toeing around. But I don't have anyone! Why don't you get that! I don't want some stranger who's only listening because they're getting paid to. I want a friend."

"Then call Martha," Kate suggested.

"She doesn't know me," Johanna said tartly. "She doesn't know me like some people do."

"I know you miss Sharon and want to resume your friendship; but you said yourself it isn't going to happen…so you need to find someone else and at the moment, Martha is about the only option you have…and the only reason you don't want to follow up on it is because you have this insane notion that she's taking your place as my mother."

"I'm not going to have that fight with you today, Katie," Johanna replied. "I'm just not going to do it."

"Why does it have to be a fight?"

"Because when we're of opposing opinions, we always fight," her mother replied. "I can't help it if I feel like Martha is playing that role more than I am. You can't tell me that I'm not entitled to feel things. I can't turn my feelings off and be numb…I wish I could but I can't. I do miss Sharon but I know it's done…give me a few days to mourn it, okay? Can you just do that? I deal with things differently than the Beckett family does. I'm a McKenzie and a Calabrese…we feel things differently; we deal differently."

"You're name is Beckett," Kate told her.

"I know what my name is, but my genes are McKenzie and Calabrese. I'm different from you and your father. My process is different."

"Yeah; I've noticed."

"Just go, Katie. I shouldn't have told you anything; it isn't like it's any of your business; but be sure to call your father and make your report, you big mouth tattle tale….more genes you get from Elizabeth Beckett. It scares me sometimes how much I'm starting to see her in you."

"Just for that I'm changing back into my own clothes."

Johanna waved a hand at her. "Go ahead; I don't care. If you want to walk around in ugly clothes; you go ahead; but remember; the tabloids always seem to do a fashion analysis about what we wear. You might make the worst dressed list this week."

"Okay," Kate said as she got up from the table; "You're turning back into angry Johanna so I'm going to go change my clothes and go."

"Don't forget to put my new shoes back in the closet; you're not walking out of here with them…I'll tackle you in the yard and wrestle them off your feet first."

"That's almost tempting," her daughter replied; "But I'll put them back; you're not in a sharing mood today."

"You still haven't brought my boots back."

"You'll get them; I promise."

Johanna got up from the table and carried the mugs to the sink; holding her emotions back as her daughter watched her for a moment before turning to head back upstairs. She rinsed out the mugs and set them in the sink and then grabbed her stack of magazines and books and headed for the living room.

She was settled in on the sofa with the TV on, waiting for Temptation Lane while she began looking through the new copy of Redbook when Kate came down the stairs. Her daughter went to the hallway and grabbed her coat before reappearing in the living room.

"I'm going back to work," Kate announced.

"Those are my pants you still have on."

"I decided to borrow them; I'll bring them back with the boots from last time."

Johanna gave a nod. "Drive safely."

Kate gave her a puzzled look. "That's it?"

Johanna's brow rose. "What more do you want?"

Her daughter shrugged. "Usually there's a hug and an 'I love you, Katie; let me know you got there safely' conversation."

"I told you to drive safely; I'm sure you'll be fine. You don't need to check in; you're a big girl."

Kate rocked back on her heels. "Uh huh; so I guess you're mad at me now?"

"No. I was mad that you're a tattle tale but I'm over it now. Apparently it's the only way to get you to visit; not that I'm hinting for more visits; I know you're busy having your own life."

Kate smiled. "Oh good; we're going to slap words back in the face; that's always been a personal favorite. I'll text you when I get back to the precinct."

"Don't trouble yourself; I'm turning my phone off before your father gets his report from you and calls to yell at me some more."

"Fine. What about the hug?"

"What about it?"

"Are we going to do it or not?"

"I wasn't planning on getting up but I guess if it really matters to you."

"I kind of think it does," Kate said as she moved closer to the sofa. "I don't think you're lacking in energy so get up and do it."

Johanna rose and gave her a quick embrace and then returned to her seat. "Well, that was warm and loving," Kate commented.

"I'll work on it," her mother told her. "Have a nice day."

"Come lock the door."

Johanna got up once more and followed her to the door; locking it behind her as soon as Kate stepped out onto the porch. She then returned to the couch and allowed herself to cry like she had been aching to do.

* * *

Jim hated that he felt a sense of trepidation as he climbed the steps to the back door late that afternoon. He hadn't heard from Johanna since he had spoken to her while she was at the market. He had used the tracker religiously; tracing her trip home; and he had kept an eye on it even after Kate had checked in with him and clear up until Johanna had turned off her phone and the red dot had disappeared. It had angered him; just as it had angered him the night before but he knew he couldn't say a word about it. He couldn't lie and say he tried to call; she'd know easily enough if he had…and he couldn't blow his secret of tracking her phone. She wouldn't take that news well at the moment. He didn't even want to think about how that would go. Jim breathed deeply and shoved his key into the lock, bracing himself for whatever mood his wife was in as he pushed open the door.

He didn't say anything as he stepped inside the kitchen, his gaze landing on his wife as she stood at the counter pouring dressing onto the two bowls of salad she had sitting in front of her. She made no greeting either, didn't even pause in her task to look at him and he fought the urge to go back out the door and eat at the first fast food place he found. He sighed quietly as he sat down his briefcase and shrugged out of his coat.

"How was your day?" Johanna asked as she carried the bowls of salad to the table while still avoiding eye contact.

"It was fine work wise," Jim answered. "Wife wise is a different story."

"Yeah; I'm always a different story; I'm just special like that," she replied. "Dinner is almost ready."

"Where's your soup you threatened to make?" he asked seeing that the stovetop was void of the soup pot.

"In bowls in the freezer. I made it awhile ago so it wouldn't be in your line of vision."

"Aren't you going to eat a bowl?"

"No, not tonight. I found a container of leftover lasagna I'd rather have."

"I thought you said you'd make meatloaf," Jim griped.

"You're getting meatloaf, Jim," she said somewhat tartly. "Believe me, my past history as a waitress demands that I deliver your order correctly."

"I'm not even going to touch that remark," he replied.

"Are you working tomorrow?" Johanna asked as she made herself busy pouring drinks.

"Yes; I'll be working clear up until we all leave for the hunting trip. Why? Do you need something?"

"No; I was just making conversation."

Jim eyed her. "Did you get everything you needed from the market?"

"Yeah, I did."

"Good; then I guess you can stay home tomorrow."

Johanna didn't bother to answer as the timer on the oven went off. "You don't have plans for tomorrow, do you?" her husband asked once again.

"No, dear; I don't have any plans at the moment," she answered as she pulled the TV dinner out of the oven and the pan that held her lasagna.

"What the hell is that?" Jim asked as she sat down the TV dinner on his placemat. "You said you made meatloaf!"

"I did," Johanna replied as she pulled the plastic off the tray. "It's a meatloaf TV dinner. I bought it at the market today…don't worry; I got one of the expensive brands to make sure it's good quality."

"I wanted your meatloaf," he said with a glare.

"It's from my kitchen. I baked it," she said as she picked up the bottle of ketchup she had on the table. "And now I'm putting the ketchup on it just like you like it; and look, you get mashed potatoes and gravy with it too."

"What, two bites?!" he exclaimed. "That's not a meal; that's an appetizer. Why are you starving me to death over something that's your fault?"

"I'm not starving you, Jim," Johanna replied as she put her lasagna on a plate. "I just didn't feel like making meatloaf. I made salads, you'll have plenty."

He huffed. "I hate kitchen warfare."

His wife raised a brow. "You said you wanted meatloaf; I provided meatloaf. I made a special trip to the market; in my car by myself to get it; now you better eat it."

"You made a special trip to the market to be a smartass."

Johanna shrugged. "Any way you slice it; I went to the market alone; just like you told me to do."

"Which proves what, Johanna? That if you get pissed off enough you'll do anything that you've been previously avoiding?"

"No; it was proving to you that I could do it."

"That wasn't your agenda and you know it."

"Actually it was," she stated. "But I always seem to be a liar in everyone's way of thinking."

He blew out a breath. "Don't even start on that, Johanna. I'm not in the mood to hear it. Whatever it is you're up to; just stop it, alright?"

"I'm not up to anything," she said defensively as she stabbed her fork into her lasagna.

"Oh really?" he said while eyeing her, taking in the fact that she was dressed in her work out clothes. "Then why are you dressed like you're going to be hitting the gym?"

"Because I'm going to hit the treadmill in the basement after I wash the dishes," Johanna remarked. "Is that okay with you or do I need to file a request for permission to go to the basement?"

He smirked at her. "By all means, please do go to the basement and run on your treadmill. That's what I bought it for."

"Thank you for approving my request," she volleyed back.

"I hear you told Katie her outfit was ugly."

Johanna nodded. "It was; good to know she upheld her job as Daddy's little tattler."

"At least someone was speaking to me today."

"What's wrong, dear? Didn't your friends play nice with you at work?"

"That's not what I meant and you know it. Katie called me because you didn't. Call it tattling all you want but she was in the right. I don't know if you telling her that her outfit was ugly was the right thing…"

"If you had seen it, you would've agreed. She was wearing a tie and an ugly prissy blouse, pants that didn't fit her frame in a flattering way and a blazer. Not to mention that her hair was skintight over the back of her head. She looked like she was trying to be a man and since she reminded me that we value the truth in this family; I figured she could take it."

Jim took a bite of his meatloaf, still disappointed that it wasn't his wife's homemade variety. "I'm not even sure I want to ask for your version of Katie's visit."

"Katie's visit was fine."

"That's why your eyes look like you've been crying all day."

"I haven't been crying."

"Then why are your eyes red?"

She shrugged. "Could be any number of reasons…like reading without my glasses."

Jim eyed her. "Just tell the truth, Johanna; spare your storytelling abilities."

Johanna suddenly felt weary; the weight of the world pressing upon her. "Fine I cried, okay? I know it gets on your nerves and I'm sorry that I can't control it better. I'm sorry I have bad reactions sometimes. I'm sorry that so far I haven't been able to be the person that you and Katie want me to be. I'm sorry that I worry, that I get afraid, that I can't let go of things. They're not new habits, you know? They've always been there; they're just a little more pronounced right now…"

"More pronounced…watching Dr Phil again, are you?" her husband asked.

Her chin trembled. "No, jackass; I happen to have an ounce of intelligence, that's why I graduated fifth in my class at Columbia. I was trying to apologize but since you don't want to hear it, I'll stop; because you know what; I'm tired of always being sorry. If you and Katie didn't want me to stay, then you should've told me to go back where I came from once an arrest was made," she said as shoved her chair back from the table and got up; picking up her plate as she did so so that she could throw her dinner in the garbage, her appetite ruined.

"What the hell is that about!" Jim yelled as he rose from his chair to grab a hold of her as she moved back across the room. "What the hell did Katie say to you?"

She held his gaze. "What are you worried that she said to me? Are you afraid she let something slip from a personal conversation that the two of you had?"

His hand tightened around her arm. "Johanna; I'm in no mood for games. Why the hell would you say that we should've sent you back to where you came from? Don't you ever say that!"

She jerked her arm free. "It's how I feel right now!" she exclaimed as she stormed to the basement door, jerking it open and slamming it shut behind her.

Jim flinched as the door slammed and he stood motionless in the middle of the kitchen as he listened to her footsteps pounding down the steps. A moment later he heard the small cd player she had down there spring to life; 1980s Madonna floating upwards into the kitchen. He took his phone from his pocket and dialed his daughter's number.

"Hey, Dad; what's going on?" Kate asked when she answered.

"What the hell did you say to your mother?" he demanded to know.

"What are you talking about? I told you what was said."

"Are you sure about that? Because she's got some notion that we don't want her here and that we should've told her to go back to Wyoming once Bracken was arrested."

"I didn't say that," Kate replied. "I didn't say that at all."

"Then what did you say?"

"Nothing that would've given that impression! You know how Mom is; she hears her own version of conversations and they differ from the real one when she's being overly emotional."

Jim blew out an aggravated breath. "On one hand that's true, on the other hand, you have a past history of spinning tales to keep your ass out of the fire so I don't know which one of you to believe…so do me a favor; don't help me any more this week unless I ask for it. I get in enough trouble on my own!"

"Join the club," his daughter replied. "I'll talk to you later; I'm getting ready to pack up for the day."

Jim ended the call and returned to his seat at the table; looking at the empty chair across from him. His heart gave a painful little squeeze recalling all the times that chair had been empty. He didn't regret for a moment letting Johanna come home…sometimes they hit a bump; but he'd never send her away. She should know that by now. Why would she think they didn't want her to stay? What was it about that one glass of wine that she had that had upset the entire applecart?

* * *

Johanna woke in the middle of the night; the dull ache that had formed in her head earlier in the evening had morphed into a raging migraine. She bit back a groan as she gingerly raised a hand and laid it against her head; as if the touch would ease the pain. She nearly scoffed aloud; it was going to take far more than a touch to ease that pain; she knew that all too well. Johanna sat up slowly; the world tilting before her eyes in the darkness of the room; oh God; it was going to be one of these kind…it would land her in bed all day; possibly the next one too if she couldn't get rid of it quickly. She waited for the dizziness to pass; instead concentrating on the queasiness of her stomach and the throbbing in her head. She was going to have to take that prescription that Jim had insisted she bring home from Wyoming…she'd already had to use it once since moving back home and she was afraid that she'd be using quite a few over the course of the next day.

Her gaze strayed to Jim for a moment and she was tempted to wake him and ask if he'd get her pill for her but she held back. When she had finally came back upstairs from her basement treadmill run, Jim was in the office, his focus on his work and she didn't bother him. She entered the room long enough to get her glasses and then she had retreated to the living room. They had avoided each other all evening…it didn't escape her notice that he had waited until she had been in bed for an hour before he came upstairs. She sighed softly; wincing as everything she did seemed to make her head throb. She didn't want to bother him; he was sound asleep, stretched out on his side of the bed, not caring a bit that she wasn't curled up against him. It shouldn't bother her; after all, she was sure he'd say he was used to it from her absence…it was something else he had learned not to need her for…but it still hurt to think of it and she was feeling sensitive anyway. Tonight wasn't the night to dwell on things said or unsaid; all her brain wanted was something to ease the throbbing.

Carefully, she rose from the bed; taking care not to disturb her husband as she moved across the room and opened the bedroom door quietly. She slipped into the hallway and used her hand to feel along the wall, her eyes squinting despite the darkness. Johanna sighed deeply; it was going to be a bad one…just how bad remained to be seen. She made her way to the bathroom and moved inside, flipping the light on and instantly regretting it as the bright light hit her eyes. She groaned; her eyes squeezing shut as she hurriedly fumbled with the switch to turn the light back off. What was she going to do now? She couldn't find anything in the medicine cabinet in the dark and she surely couldn't stand the light on at the moment. Tears sprung to her eyes, the feeling of being a burden wrapping around her once more. She would have to wake Jim or try to suffer it out…and she hated to wake him; hated to need so much when she was trying to prove that she could be independent just like everyone else.

But what could she live with more, the loss of her pride or the pain in her head? Johanna rubbed her forehead as the tears spilled down her cheeks. She'd have to sacrifice her pride; she hurt too badly to try and ride it out. She turned and moved back down the hallway to their bedroom, hating herself a little with every step. Moving back into the bedroom, her pride tried to rally, telling her that she could fight the pain…but she knew better; she knew she couldn't…in the past when her migraines were at this stage, she had been carried to the car for a trip to the hospital by her father…and later on by Jim as well. A shuddering breath wracked her frame; the tears still dripping off her cheek as she perched on Jim's side of the bed; her hand reaching out and brushing his face.

"Jim," Johanna said tearfully.

He didn't respond; his breathing deep and even, telling her that he was in a deep sleep. She touched his face once more; her fingers moving back and forth against his cheek. "Jim."

He blew out a breath and roused enough to hear the tears in her voice and frustration furrowed his brow before he even opened his eyes. "What are you crying about now, Johanna?" he asked; his voice thick with sleep.

The comment struck a blow to her heart and she wished she had either put up with the intense pain of having the light on while she tried to find her medicine or that she had gone downstairs and tried to deal with it alone.

"I need you to get my migraine medicine," she cried softly. "I tried to get it myself, but I couldn't stand to have the light on and I can't find them in the dark. I'm sorry."

A flicker of remorse filled him; his eyes opening and focusing on his wife; noting the pain that was etched upon her face. "Alright," he said, gentling his tone. "You get back in bed and I'll get your medicine for you."

"I'll go in the other room," she told him. "I don't want to keep you awake…I didn't want to wake you."

"You don't have to go in the other room; don't be ridiculous. Why do you have to add to a problem, Johanna?"

Johanna said nothing as she got up from her place at his side and rounded the bed to crawl back into her own spot; wishing she could go sleep in the guest room or Katie's old room so she wouldn't have to worry about disturbing him further; but she knew to do so would only invite trouble and she had plenty of that to go around.

"You can do what you want if it matters that much," Jim said on his trek to the door. "That's what you always do anyway. I don't know why you want to sleep elsewhere, but if it's what you want; go ahead if it'll make you feel better."

"I don't want to fight," she murmured tearfully. "I just want my head to stop hurting…please…please just get my medicine and I'll let you be. I'll never make an issue of anything again if you just get my pill so my head will quit feeling like it has twenty jackhammers inside. You can yell at me all you want once it's gone…please just get it."

The pain and anguish in her voice chastened him; what the hell was he doing instigating a fight with her when she had a severe migraine? "I'll get it, Jo; I'll be right back," he said quietly. "Just try to be still and calm down; being upset only makes it worse."

Johanna squeezed her eyes shut as she pressed her damp cheek against her pillow and tried to bring her emotions under control. As soon as she felt better; she'd apologize to her husband and promise to do better. She was trying…she was trying so hard to be what everyone wanted her to be, and she kept coming up short. She'd just have to try harder; but for now all she wanted was to feel better and she wondered what was keeping Jim as the minutes passed slowly and he didn't return. She wasn't sure if she was exaggerating the amount of time that was passing or if she should get up and try to find him; it was the middle of the night; he was still tired and it was dark in the hallway; he might've tripped and hurt himself…although she was sure she would've heard the cussing that action would've brought. She'd give him another two minutes and then she'd go search for him…and her medicine, whether the light felt like shards of glass in her eyes or not.

She had no sooner had that thought when she heard his footsteps approaching the bedroom and she breathed a sigh of relief; she wouldn't have to move much after all; thank God.

Jim sat down the glass he was carrying on the night stand and then set down the small bowl of ice water and wash clothes he had in the other hand as well. He took the pill bottle from the pocket of his pants and opened it, taking out a pill. "Set up for me, sweetheart," he murmured softly; a hand gently wrapping around her elbow to help her. He could see her holding back a groan and he felt guilty for being so short with her when she clearly didn't feel good. When she was seated, he handed her the pill and picked up the glass of water to give her as well.

After Johanna swallowed the pill, she handed back the glass. "Thank you," she said softly as she carefully sank back down in her spot and turned on her side; her back to Jim's side so that he wouldn't see any more tears if they should happen to fall.

Her husband gently took hold of her elbow. "Lay on your back," he told her.

"Why?" she asked, her eyes closed as she was afraid her emotions would betray her but she could hear the soft splash of water.

"This is going to be cold," Jim said as he rang out the cloth he had submerged in the icy water.

"What?"

Jim folded the cloth and laid it across her forehead; the icy sensation making her flinch as he pressed it against her skin. "This might help," he explained. "I read about it online the last time you had one of these headaches. Let it on until it gets warm; I have another cloth in the bowl; I'll switch them when that one is no longer cold. It might help ease the pain until the pill kicks in."

"Thank you," Johanna whispered; a shiver racing through her body.

"I know it's going to make you cold, sweetheart; but it might be worth it if it helps."

She nodded; trusting his instincts as he got up from the bed. A minute later she felt the extra blanket being spread over her. "That should help," he murmured.

"It always does," Johanna said softly.

His hand fell against her forehead, gently pressing the cold cloth against her skin, hoping that he wasn't hurting her as he tried desperately to ease her pain. He didn't see any hint of added discomfort; but he knew that he had hurt her long before her headache had set in. He didn't like when they went to bed angry; and they had certainly done that the past two nights. There was the need to apologize but he didn't feel like this one was his fault. Either way; now wasn't the time for discussion on the matter, Jim thought to himself. She was in pain; she didn't need added aggravation…especially when he knew that it had to have been hard for her to ask him to help her.

"How long as your head been hurting?" he asked quietly.

"It's been a dull ache all evening…apparently sleep wasn't helping it."

"Did you take anything earlier?"

"No; it was dull; I thought I could sleep it off. There didn't seem to be any hints that it was going to change into a migraine…if I had known…"

"I know," he murmured.

"I'm sorry," she whispered.

"For what?"

"Everything."

Jim was silent for a moment as he kept the cool cloth pressed against her forehead. "Is that your usual everything or just the more recent everything that encompasses the last two days?"

Johanna suppressed a sigh and a groan as she shifted and her head throbbed. "Both."

Her husband exhaled a heavy breath. "We'll discuss it when you're feeling better. Don't go getting yourself worked up again; it'll just make things worse."

"I know…Katie told me I make everything I worse."

"That definitely sounds like something we shouldn't get into tonight," Jim replied. He didn't want anywhere near that can of worms. "Is the coldness helping?"

"A little; it feels like it might be down to 18 jackhammers instead of 20 but it's losing its coolness."

Jim peeled the cloth away from her forehead and dropped it into the bowl, his fingers reaching for the cloth that was already submersed.

"It always helps you rub my forehead that way you always do when my head hurts," she murmured.

"I know but we'll try this," he said as he laid the cold cloth on her forehead.

Johanna swallowed hard; her heart giving a painful throb as her husband shunned their usual tactics…something that had been a part of his care taking skills even before they had started dating. It felt like he was rejecting something that was somewhat intimate between them and it hurt just as badly as her head ached. She didn't think that he really believed that she was sorry either; but she was. She didn't like when they were like this; when they didn't talk or touch. She didn't like when they went to sleep without a goodnight kiss. She brushed his hand away from the cloth he had laid against her aching head. "You can go on back to bed," she told him. "I'll be alright now that I've had my medicine…you have to work tomorrow. I'm fine."

"I'll stay up with you until you go to sleep," he told her.

"You're probably tired."

"I am…and I'll be even more tired if you want to argue the point," Jim stated. "Just relax and be calm; let the medicine kick in."

She pressed her lips together so no sound would escape; feeling shunned once more. God, she hurt all over. A tear broke free and slid down her cheek.

"What are you crying for, Jo?" he asked with a weary sigh.

"Because of my head," she replied; figuring he might believe that; and it was partly true anyway. "It just hurts."

"Do you want me to take you to a doctor?"

"No," she whispered. "I'll be fine…just like always. Go ahead and go to sleep; you have to work in the morning."

He got up from where he was perched at her side and moved around the bed to get back in on his side. "I'll lay back down but I won't go back to sleep until I know you're sleeping and that you're fine. Try and rest, Jo."

Johanna made no further comment, figuring it would be useless to argue; she'd wait a little while and then feign sleep so that he'd feel comfortable going back to bed. They laid together in silence and she noticed that he didn't even reach for her hand…and normally he would've…just like normally he would've massage her forehead. She didn't want to dwell; she just wanted the medication to kick in so that the pain would ease and she could sleep. She took the cloth from her forehead and managed to drop it into the bowl on the nightstand without opening her eyes.

"Why did you take the cloth off?" Jim asked.

"Because I want to lay on my side and it's not helping all that much anyway," she replied as she turned over so that her back was toward him. "It would probably help more with the duller ones but not this one."

"So much for that," her husband muttered.

"I appreciate that you thought of it," she replied. "I'm sure it'll help the ones that aren't this bad…this one is just too severe."

"Well then turn over this way and I'll rub your forehead like always."

He sounded like it would be a chore and that was the last thing she wanted. "I just want to go to sleep, Jim. I'm tired."

"That's the best thing you can do," he said; softening his tone so he didn't sound so harsh.

"Goodnight," she murmured.

"Wake me if you need me," he told her as he reached out a hand and rubbed her back.

"I will," she replied; but she had not intentions of waking him again.

Jim knew that he was still being somewhat harsh with his wife and it wasn't right given that she didn't feel well. It wasn't something he was proud of and so he inched closer and continued to rub her back soothingly, hoping the medicine would kick in soon and ease her pain.

Johanna laid awake; knowing there was no chance of going to sleep until the medicine took hold of her and it's drowsy inducing quality swept over her and made her sleep whether she wanted to or not. She'd prefer sleep though; with her head pounding she didn't want to lay awake thinking about how so much felt so wrong at the moment. Her husband's touch at her back was welcome…but she wished she could roll over and curl up against his chest…but she was afraid of being shunned. He'd already thrown small doses of rejection at her; did she really want to subject herself to more? She held still for a few moments longer, the debate being waged between her aching heart and her throbbing brain…finally the need for comfort won out and she gingerly rolled over and found her way to his side, settling herself against his chest before he really had a chance to evade her moves.

Jim could feel the tension in her body as she settled against him and he knew she was waiting for him to pull away but he didn't. He wrapped his arm around her and pressed a soft kiss to the top of her head; his hand moving against her back once more. "Try to sleep, sweetheart," he murmured.

She relaxed slightly, her hand curling into his shirt as her eyes closed. She wished she could rewind the clock and redo the end of their weekend so none of this turmoil would've happened. Better yet, she wished Bridget hadn't mentioned a downfall…she was sure the old woman had jinxed her.

* * *

Jim roused later on that night when he felt his wife slip away from him hurriedly, the blankets being thrown back as she got out of bed. "Where you going, Jo?" he asked tiredly.

"I have to be sick," she murmured as she tried to hurry toward the door but he could tell she was trying to keep her eyes mostly closed and he hurried to get out of bed to help her.

By the time he caught up to her she had made it to the hallway and he gently took her elbow and helped her move more quickly into the bathroom. He hated to turn on the light as he knew it would aggravate her headache but he didn't see any way around that. That was something he was going to have to work on; he'd need to either put in a dimmer switch in the bathroom or find some way to have an option for dimmer light in there when the occasion called for it. He moved to stand near Johanna, reaching out and gathering her hair to hold it back for her as she emptied her stomach. It reminded him of when she'd had morning sickness and he'd done that same thing what seemed like ten times a morning. He'd also done it for her migraines before; usually if she reached this stage she'd be past the worst of it and it would start slowly easing…he hoped that would be the case this time as well and she wouldn't have to suffer so much.

"Are you okay?" he asked when it seemed like she was finished.

"Yeah…I just wish it wasn't so bright in here," she answered softly; her stomach still feeling as if it was in the midst of rebellion.

"I know; I'm going to take care of that as soon as I can. I'll see if I can put a dimmer in here; if not, I'll think of something else but I'll get it taken care of…I should've thought of that a long time ago."

"I never thought of it either," she replied, giving no sign of moving as Jim let go of her hair and crossed the room to get a clean washcloth out of the cabinet.

He ran the cloth under the cold water and glanced toward his wife who was still on the floor on her knees. "Are you finished?" he asked gently.

She breathed deeply and gave a small shake of her head. "I don't think so," she answered before her stomach turned again.

Jim hurried to pull her hair back from her face once more; wishing there was something more he could do for her; but he'd been down this road enough times before to know that there wasn't much he could do. When she finished, he flushed away the contents of her stomach, frowning as she winced at the sound of the water.

"Does you head feel any better?" he asked as he helped her stand and handed her the washcloth to wipe her face. "I know sometimes after you throw up it seems to ease it."

"It doesn't feel as bad as it did," she remarked quietly as she moved closer to the sink to get her toothbrush. "But it still hurts."

"On a scale of 1 to 10; how is the before and after comparing," Jim asked as he took the tube of toothpaste from her hand and squeezed it onto her toothbrush for her.

"Before was a 10…or above. Now it's hovering around the 7-8 area; but maybe when I'm out of the light I'll feel better than that," she answered before starting to brush her teeth.

Jim brushed her back with his fingertips. "I'll be back; I'll go get you a glass of cold ginger ale and put it on your nightstand, you can sip a little and hopefully it'll keep your stomach settled."

Johanna gave a nod and he left the room to carry out his task. By the time she was finished brushing her teeth and pressing the cold wash cloth to her forehead for a few minutes, Jim had returned with the glass in his hand. He clicked off the bathroom light and took hold of her elbow to guide her from the room.

Once she was settled on her side of the bed, Jim handed her the glass of ginger ale. "Sip some of this before you lay down," he commanded as he took the bowl and glass off of the nightstand and carried them from the room.

Johanna sipped her drink for a few moments and then slid back down in her spot, laying her aching head on the pillow. Jim returned to the room and settled into his spot. "Are you still okay?" he asked.

"Yeah, for the moment," she murmured.

His fingertips fell against her forehead out of habit, gently massaging the area and her eyes fluttered shut; relief coiling deep within her that he had bestowed the gesture without asking as he always had before. Her hand reached out and curled into his shirt as she always had a habit of doing.

"Did you drink some of the ginger ale?" he asked quietly; some part of his desperate to keep conversation flowing for a few more minutes.

"Yes; I drank some. I just hope this isn't going to be one of those ones that last for days."

"Hopefully it won't. I just hope that the medicine was in your system long enough that you didn't throw it up."

"Me too; I can't take another one until morning."

Jim continued to rub her forehead; wracking his brain for a topic of conversation that wouldn't cause further upset between them. It wasn't an easy task…everything seemed to have the possibility of driving them into those murky waters.

"I saw Sharon today," Johanna whispered; surprising both of them with the reveal of the information given his feelings about her outing.

"At the market?" he asked cautiously.

"Yeah."

"How did it go?"

"She wasn't pleased to see me in the same aisle with her."

"Did she walk away from you?" he inquired; his heart already aching for her at the thought.

"No; she stuck around to tell me I'm a liar."

"Is that all?"

"No; but it was just our usual bitchy snipping when we're mad at each other."

He had a feeling it was more than that but he wouldn't press right now. Maybe in a day or two when she felt better; maybe when things were calmer between them he'd dig deeper.

"She still says she'll call soon."

"Do believe that?" he asked.

"Hell no."

"I'm sorry," Jim whispered. "I wish it had gone differently for you."

"It's alright," Johanna replied. "I think I'm getting used to the fact that my friendship with her is over."

"She could still come around."

His wife shrugged a shoulder. "At the moment I'm not sure I care if she does or not."

She was wounded, Jim mused; she cared but she was putting on her tough girl armor to get past it. She was going to pretend to be numb, that it didn't hurt. He knew better…but again he said nothing; allowing her to hide her feelings for the time being. Their own issues were unresolved at the moment; he didn't need to punch the wrong button and add to their troubles. He pondered it all for a few minutes; disappointed that Sharon was so steadfast in her rejection of Johanna. He wished that he could make her change her mind but he couldn't…which meant he might have to give more thought to finding a way to contact Maggie.

"We'll find you a different friend," he murmured to his wife.

"Hmm?" Johanna responded sleepily.

He realized that his silence and his fingers massaging her forehead had lulled her and he didn't want to break the spell. "Nothing, sweetheart," he whispered as he brushed a kiss against her lips. "Just rest now."

* * *

The next morning, Jim rubbed his eye as he stood in the kitchen and waited for his toast to pop up. Johanna had gotten up once more through the night to be sick and he had gotten up with her; somewhat worried that maybe she was coming down with a bug as well as the migraine. She had assured him that it was all headache related; that the second episode of her sickness had eased more of pain. He was inclined to believe her as she wasn't wincing as much despite still squinting against the light. He had stayed up until she went back to sleep; woke her at five to give her the migraine pill. She was sleeping once again and he was on his own for breakfast. He didn't mind as long as it meant she was getting some rest and that her headache would soon be gone.

A knock at the backdoor startled him and his gaze jerked to the clock on the microwave. Who the hell was beating on his door at six forty-five in the morning? He reluctantly trudged toward the door; not really in the mood for company this early but he found his daughter on the other side of the door and allowed a small smile to touch his lips. "Katie, what are you doing here so early?" he asked as she stepped inside, his newspaper in hand that she had obviously grabbed from the front porch.

"I wanted to stop before work," she answered. "Where's Mom?"

"Upstairs in bed."

"So she's still mad and letting you fend for yourself for breakfast?" she asked.

Jim could detect a note of tartness in his daughter's tone but overlooked it. "It's not like that," he replied.

"Sure it's not," she replied as she went to the cupboard and got down a coffee mug. "You look tired, Dad."

"It's not like you think, Katie," he said more firmly; "And as for being tired, I am. Your mother got up around midnight with a terrible migraine and I was up most of the night with her. That's why she's still in bed. I'm debating whether I should go to work or stay home with her. Do you want some toast?"

"No, thanks; I already ate."

"Suit yourself," he quipped as he spread butter on his toast and then carried the plate to the table.

"So are you two still fighting?" she asked as she sat down across from him.

Jim was getting a suspicious vibe from his daughter and he didn't like it. "Why do you ask?"

"Just curious."

"I don't really know, Katie; it seems to be on hold for the moment. I'm hoping we can sort it out calmly once she's feeling better."

Kate nodded. "I know you haven't seen the paper since I grabbed it from the porch; but did you see the news last night?"

"No; I was holed up in the office most of the night doing some work and I haven't had the TV on yet today. Why? Or do I not want to know?"

"Did Mom tell you that she ran into a reporter why she was at the market?" Kate asked.

Jim's hand paused in midair as he raised his toast to his lips. "What?"

She smiled. "Oh good; she didn't tell you either; because she sure as hell didn't mention anything to me about it when I was here yesterday."

Jim frowned, his eyes squeezing shut in frustration. "Did she have a panic attack?"

"No."

"Give me the newspaper, Katie."

Kate pushed the paper across the table to him. "I can't believe she didn't mention this to either one of us."

Jim blew out a breath as he pulled the rubber band off the paper. "Yeah well apparently your mother is good at keeping some things to herself," he said sharply; "Just not what she should."

"When I was here yesterday, the only thing she mentioned about her outing was running into Sharon…did she tell you that?"

"Yeah she told me that," Jim replied as he flipped the paper over to see the headline below the fold. "At last, comments from the elusive Johanna Beckett." Accompanying the article was a photo of Johanna standing at her driver's side door.

"Damn it," he muttered as he began to scan the article.

Kate gave a nod. "She just fed the animals."

… _to be continued_


	22. Chapter 22

_Author's Note: Thanks for your reviews; I'm sorry for the delay with this chapter; real life interfered and I wanted to finish up my ficathon entry by the deadline._

 _Warning: There is one incident of strong language in this chapter. I did ask if any of my readers who follow me on Twitter would be offended by it; the replies I received said that they were alright with it and to go ahead. If it offends anyone, I apologize._

Chapter 22-Heart of Stone

" _Don't you sometimes wish your heart was a heart of stone?"- Cher_

Johanna's heavy eyelids flicked open and immediately squinted against the shafts of sunlight that were piercing the blinds. She closed her eyes and then forced them open and looked at the clock; 9:15, it read and she groaned softly and closed her eyes once again. She rolled over, putting her back to the window; her hand reaching for Jim but she found nothing but emptiness and cool sheets. Her eyes opened again and she found herself alone. Johanna raked her fingers through her hair, pushing it back from her face as she gingerly sat up. Her mouth was dry and her head felt sore from the migraine she had suffered with all night. A doctor had once told her that they called that a migraine hangover; she couldn't help but feel that it was a fitting term for the day following one of those headaches.

"Jim," she called out; her voice scratchy and her throat feeling raw from being sick during the night.

No one answered her but she figured that he was probably downstairs and didn't hear her. She knew that he was supposed to work that day but she swore she could remember him murmuring that he might not go in until the afternoon so that he could make sure she was fine. Surely he would've woke her if he had left already.

She pushed herself out of bed reluctantly and headed for the bathroom to carry out her morning routines. She returned to the bedroom a short while later and discarded the notion of getting dressed; deciding it was a stay in your pajamas kind of day but she pulled on her robe and tied it tightly and then grabbed her phone from the nightstand. She woke up her phone and checked for messages but she found none; not that she was expecting any, she mused as she dropped it into the pocket of her robe and left the room.

"Jim," she called out; her throat still feeling gritty as she moved down the stairs.

Her husband didn't answer and the house felt eerily quiet; no sound of the television on; no rustle of the newspaper or fingers tapping away at the keys of a computer. She went into the living room in hopes of finding Jim asleep on the sofa but the room was empty of his presence. She turned away and headed for their office but it too was empty.

"Jim," she called once more; unease beginning to fill her body as she made her way to the kitchen.

He didn't answer nor did she find him at the table engrossed in his newspaper. There was evidence that he had been there; a coffee mug and a small plate sat in the sink…but the coffee pot had been emptied and she frowned; normally Jim always made sure to save her a cup of coffee when he knew she had been suffering from a migraine. The caffeine often chased away the remnants of the headache and warmed her up on chilly mornings. She frowned, that wasn't like him…although to be fair; it hadn't exactly been like him to shun his usual tactics when taking care of her but he had for awhile the night before.

Johanna tore her gaze away from the empty coffee pot. The newspaper was lying folded on the table but she made no move to pick it up; her stomach knotting as she passed the table and went to the door that led to the basement. She opened it and called out his name, but the light was off and no one answered. She went to the backdoor and looked out at the driveway; her car was there but Jim's wasn't. It wasn't like him to leave without waking her to tell her or at the very least, leaving her a note. Her hand slipped into her pocket and withdrew her phone. She touched the screen and searched it once again to be sure she hadn't missed a call or a text from him. He usually always let her know that he had made it to work safely.

A tremor of fear slid down her spine, her hands shaking slightly as she gripped her phone; the silence of the house pressing around her. What if something had happened to him on his way to work or wherever it was he had gone? What if someone was trying to strike some kind of revenge against her by harming her husband? Her stomach convulsed, yearning to empty itself but she had already emptied its contents the night before. She forced her trembling fingers to work as she gave her attention back to the phone and pressed the speed dial for his number. The line rang a few times and then dumped to voicemail. "Jim; where are you?" she asked when the recording beeped.

She sat down at the kitchen table and waited a few minutes for him to call her back but her phone remained silent and her unease wrapped around her like a vice. She picked up the phone and tapped out a text to him and hit send. The minutes passed and no response came. Worry gnawed at her; her chest beginning to feel tight at the thought of something being wrong with him. Sensing that she wasn't going to get a response from him; she dialed her daughter's number instead, trying to keep her composure but she could feel her emotions amping up; the fear clawing at her, making her feel like she couldn't quite breath right.

"Katie; have you heard from your father?" she asked as soon as her daughter answered; hating that she would be able to hear the undertones of panic in her voice.

"I talked to him this morning, why?" Kate answered.

"Because I got up and he's not here…he didn't wake me or leave a note. He's not answering his phone. I think something's wrong."

"He's fine; he was going to work."

"But he always lets me know that he got there safely," Johanna stated, anguish in her tone; her breaths becoming shorter.

"He's fine," Kate stated once more.

"If he was fine he would've sent me his usual message; he would answer my call. He's not answering!"

"Hmm…kind of like you've been doing the last few days, huh?" her daughter replied.

"What?"

"You heard me; you had your little temper tantrum and didn't let Dad know you were going out; you stopped answering his calls and mine…you didn't tell us everything about your trip out…I'd say you're getting a healthy dose of your own medicine, Mom."

"What are you talking about?"

"You know what I'm talking about. Dad isn't answering because he's pissed off at you; just like you had your hissy fit and turned your phone off yesterday after I left."

"He knew I was home."

"What makes you so sure?"

"Because you told him."

"How do you know that I told him?" Kate asked.

"Because he told me that you whined about me saying your outfit was ugly; and I stand by that assessment; it was ugly."

"Oh I know you meant it," Kate replied; "But you don't know what time I talked to him…it might've been right before he got home. He might have sat and worried all that time about you; wondering if you had gotten home safely."

"No, he didn't," Johanna said; anger beginning to overshadow her panic as her daughter's cool tone grated on her nerves.

"What makes you so sure?"

"Because he's tracking my goddamn phone," she said sharply. "I left it on long enough for him to know I got home and if you tell him that I know he tracks me; I swear to God, I will walk in that precinct and slap you right in your tattle tale mouth, little girl."

Kate was silent for a long moment. "Dad wouldn't do something like that."

"Think again," she said tartly.

"How do you know he's tracking you?"

"Because I stumbled across it on his phone."

"What were you doing on his phone?"

"Looking at pictures," Johanna retorted, bristling at the unspoken accusation that she had been snooping. "And I had his permission to do so that night. He was in the shower; I finished looking at the pictures he told me to look at and I saw what looked to be a game on his phone and I thought I'd try it; when I opened it, I realized it was a tracker and the person he's tracking is me. I mean it, Katie; if you breathe one word to him that I know about it, a special brand of hell will rain down upon you."

"I won't say anything," Kate replied; surprise still rippling through her that her father would actually use one of those tracking apps but she supposed that she couldn't really blame him for it all things considered.

Johanna was quiet for a few seconds, allowing her temper to simmer. "Are you sure he's at work? Can you just send him a quick text to be sure?"

"I'm sure he's fine; I told you he's mad…I'm not too happy with you myself."

She sighed. "What did I do now, Princess?"

Kate bristled at the sarcasm dripping from her mother's tone. "Why don't you open up the newspaper and find out for yourself; Johanna, Queen of Secrets."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" she said sharply.

"It means that you neglected to mention your little press conference yesterday."

"It wasn't a press conference; it was one reporter and he came up to me while I was putting my stuff in the car. I gave him generic statements so he wouldn't follow me home."

"You still didn't mention it to me when I was there yesterday."

"I didn't mention it to you because you had just gotten done informing me that I was a coward and had no right to feel anything that I feel; so no, I didn't tell you, Katie. I wasn't in a particularly sharing mood."

"Yeah; well, I think I had a right to know so I could expect the reporters to be waiting on me this morning. If I hadn't seen the news, I would've been blindsided when I got to work."

"Well then I guess you know how I felt when I had to hear from reporters that you're being investigated by IA; how do you like it?" Johanna said sharply.

"So you did it on purpose?" Kate asked.

"No; honestly I didn't. I didn't tell you for the reasons I already mentioned but maybe you ended up getting a taste of _your_ own medicine."

"I'd say we both are since Dad's ignoring you," her daughter retorted. "You didn't tell him anything about it either. He didn't know about it until I was there this morning and showed him the newspaper."

"You were here this morning?"

"Yeah; I wanted to see if he knew and ask you why you didn't see a need to tell us but since you were sick, I figured I'd have to wait."

Johanna squeezed her eyes shut, a slight throb forming in her head once again. "You couldn't wait to get over here and tell him, could you? You seemed to be taking great joy in being Daddy's little tattle tale yesterday; it was like you were fourteen and thought you were going to get a bonus in your allowance for the information. I'm not sure what your motivation is for it; I don't know why you seem to think that I owe you and him an accounting of everything I think, say or do; but I don't. I don't know if you're trying to hurt me by making sure that he stays angry or if you're lashing out about something…or if you're just a busybody and interfering in something that isn't your business."

"You put me in your business when you called me to be your babysitter via phone yesterday," Kate said tartly. "If I think he has a right to know something, then I'm going to tell him because I'm not going to let you destroy him again just because you get pissed off and take it into your head to go rushing out into God knows what just to prove some stupid point. You've already made a mess with this issue of drinking a glass of wine and then you want to go running off, trying to prove you're miss big bad ass Johanna Beckett who does what the hell she wants regardless of the consequences; well I'm not letting it happen again. You can get mad all you want but I'll tell him any damn thing that I feel he has a right to know because I'm not letting him lose what he fought so hard to regain. So you get mad and get over it but you're not taking him down again."

The silence was thick and seemed to linger forever as Kate closed her eyes, her lips pressing together tightly and she couldn't help but think that they should've sealed themselves thirty seconds sooner. She shouldn't have said that…she shouldn't have even implied it in any way.

"Well," Johanna said; her throat tight as she did her best to hold back the flood of emotions that threatened to consume her. "I guess there we have it…I knew there's been something you've been holding back…something that wasn't there when I was staying with you; it was something that developed once I was back home and now I know what it is."

Kate glanced through the window of the break room and saw people headed in her direction. She kept the phone held tightly to her ear and bolted out the door and headed for the bathroom as her chin quivered. "I didn't mean to say that," she said; her voice low and tight.

"Oh I know you didn't mean to say it out loud; but that doesn't make it any less true; now does it? You don't trust me…when I was living with you, you could police me and make sure I wasn't doing anything that you deemed as a danger to him. The issues he and I had, were issues of his making because he didn't want to hear me explain anything and that made it easy for you to be there for me, to be on my side because you were involved in everything and now you're not…but you still want to police everything because you don't trust me to know what I'm doing. Isn't that right, Katie?"

Her eyes closed as she willed herself to keep her emotions in check. "This issue that you have right now is your own making, Mom," she said; her voice shaking. "You had to make a big deal out of a glass of wine…if you had just tried for a single second not to panic, not to make a big issue out of it; you wouldn't have the problem you have now. If you had just found some better way to deal with it, he wouldn't have gotten angry with you and you wouldn't have had to go out yesterday on some mission to prove something and in the long run just made things worse with him and caused an issue with me. All of your problems are of your own making, Mom; when are you going to get that? When are you going to stop?" she asked; a tear breaking free against her will. "Can you ever just stop it? Are we ever going to have a break from this? All Dad told you was the truth. I told you the truth…you, who always claimed you could take anything as long as it was the truth, takes those things and turns them into a reason to be angry so you can have your fit. You don't care that when I'm having to answer your ten calls while you're out that you're interrupting me at work. You don't care that you promised Dad to let him know where you're at all times; that he worries enough to go through the trouble of tracking you. I don't know if you just don't listen or you just don't get how we feel; but it's on you this time, Mom. It's all on you."

"I get plenty," Johanna stated; her tone cold and numb. "Do you want to know what my problem is? No one seems to get me. You all yell you want me to do better, quit being a coward; get in the car and drive, get out of this house, be normal, be myself, do what I always did and when I do it, I get condemned like a five year old who crossed the street when she was told not to. I'm told not to walk on egg shells; to push back, to fight…and when I do; I get told that I have no right. I know I'm at fault for this fight with your father; I already acknowledged that to him. You think you know everything but you don't. Your father and I can't go our whole marriage without having a disagreement; and I think he's strong enough to take it. He wants to yell at me and accuse me of thinking he's weak; maybe he ought to give the same speech to you. All I wanted from you yesterday was to let you know my comings and goings so I could keep my promise…I didn't ask you to go reporting to him or anyone else…maybe if you had kept your nose out of it, it wouldn't have gotten to the point it is today. All you had to do was answer long enough to acknowledge that I notified you of my whereabouts…everything you did after that was on you; you helped make my problem bigger; so pat yourself on the back, because guess what; you're no better than I am."

Kate sucked in a breath and released it. "Mom…can we just stop this before we go too far? Because I feel like if this conversation keeps going, we're not going to be speaking to each other for awhile."

"Yeah, we can stop," Johanna said before pulling the phone away from her ear. She stared at the screen for a moment, watching the seconds tick as it counted the length of the call and then her thumb pressed against 'end' and disconnected the call.

The silence of the kitchen wrapped around her as she stared at her phone, waiting for tears to break free but oddly enough none came; a feeling of numbness washing over her as the phone rang in her hand, Kate's picture appearing on the screen. There was no hesitation as her thumb swept across the button to decline the call. She didn't have anything further to say to her daughter today…she might not even have anything to say to her the following day…and that thought should be nagging at her, making her worried, making the tears fall freely…but she didn't feel any of those things and for a moment she wondered if there was something wrong with her.

She brushed off that thought; figuring she had bigger worries; like making sure that her husband was indeed safe and sound at work. She hit his number on the speed dial, her teeth worrying her bottom lip as the line rang until the call dumped to voicemail. She hung up and dialed again…and again…and again. On the fourth call, she waited for the voicemail to beep. "You may as well answer the phone," she said; her tone flat. "I'm going to keep calling until you either answer or shut the phone off…and if you shut the phone off, then I'm going to get in my car and come looking for you…and I will find you. I know you're angry; I know all about big mouth coming over this morning to tell you about the conversation I had with a reporter; so answer the phone and let's get it over with, Jim…or I am coming to find you…not to fight with you; just to know that you're safe."

Johanna ended the call and waited a few minutes to see if he'd call her back and when he didn't, she began calling again; hanging up and redialing every time he let her go to voicemail. By the fifth call in a row, the line clicked and she smiled.

"What?" Jim asked sharply; annoyance in every nuance of his tone.

"Hi honey; I'm glad you're okay," she said in reply. "Where are you?"

"I'm at work; where the hell do you think I am?"

"It's hard to tell since you didn't wake me or leave me a note. You could be at work; at a ballgame; at the courthouse filing for divorce. In the worst moments as I found myself alone with no idea where you were; I feared that you had been in an accident or that someone had harmed you with the motive of revenge."

"Don't be ridiculous."

"It's not ridiculous to me and you know it," Johanna replied. "Why didn't you tell me you were leaving? I don't think it would've gotten in the way of you being angry."

Her husband scoffed. "I just thought I'd see how you like it."

"How I like what?"

"How you like not being told things," Jim remarked. "How you like sitting and wondering where I am and what I'm doing."

She took a breath; taking a moment to carefully word her thoughts. "I'm sorry that I didn't tell you about the reporter…things went sour at dinner very quickly and we didn't speak the rest of the night. It didn't seem like a big deal anyway. He came up to me in the parking lot when I was getting ready to leave; I made generic statements…and I'm sure there's a video somewhere online to prove that fact. I handled the situation and he went on his way. I was fine and there didn't seem to be any harm done. I figured I'd tell you this morning; I didn't count on getting that migraine in the middle of the night, Jim. You know I can't think straight when I feel like someone is pounding on my brain with a hammer. I'm sorry."

"Yeah; you're always sorry, Johanna," he spat. "You're always sorry and yet you never seem to learn. You cry that I don't trust you; I try to convince you that I do and yet you keep handing my reasons not to."

"How do you figure?" she asked sharply.

"How do I figure?" he repeated. "I asked you to always let me know where you are; you get mad, go out and don't tell me anything about it."

"I told Katie," she retorted. "Katie was an acceptable option when we made those rules."

"I don't give a damn!" he all but yelled in her ear. "You're supposed to tell me! But you don't; you just do what you please, like you always do. You have a run in with this reporter; and I've seen the video, Johanna; he walked up behind you pretty as you please and he could've been anybody, he could've done you harm and I don't even see you once reach into your bag to get a hold of that gun just in case. You don't tell me anything about it; you don't tell Katie anything about it. When are you going to quit keeping things to yourself? Can you tell me that? You know back when we wiped the slate clean; you promised no more secrets and yet I get up this morning and find out that you've spoken to a reporter during your little trip out that I had to find out about from Katie."

It was on the tip of her tongue to say that she doubted that he didn't know until Katie informed him. She wanted to tell him that he was just as guilty of keeping secrets because he had one right there on his phone and she was sure that he had most likely looked at that tracker and knew all about her leaving the house before Kate had ever rang his phone. Kate had just given him the excuse he needed to be able to call. She wasn't stupid; she knew that if he had that tracker that he was checking it several times a day when he wasn't with her…and for all she knew, it might even alert him when her phone was away from the house. No, she wasn't stupid, but she couldn't say a word about it.

"I was only taking your advice," she said instead.

"No; you were just being a smart ass," he stated.

"I don't know what you want me to do, Jim. You tell me to get out of the house; you tell me to drive my car; I do it; you get mad. You tell me I can say what I want, express how I feel; I do it; you get mad. I reacted badly to a situation and you got mad. I feel like I can't do anything right; like there's some kind of set of secret rules that I don't know about until I break one. I don't know what you and Katie want me to do."

"We want you to be safe. We want you to quit keeping things from us. We want you to think about the things you do. I want you to know that I can look at someone with a drink in their hand and not be inclined to join them. I want you to trust me."

"I do," Johanna said, her anger and frustration rising; "And in return, could you trust me?"

"Stop giving me reasons not to, Johanna, and I will."

"What did I do that gives you reason not to trust me!? And I mean recently; you don't get to bring up the past thirteen years because that's over and done with; give me recent examples," she yelled. "During our vacation, you're sitting there telling me that you do trust me and if I feel like you don't that I need to tell you so that you can assure me that's not the case; and now all of a sudden it's like you're confirming that you don't trust me; so which is it, Jim? Pick a fucking side and stay on it!"

The comment made Jim pause; his wife didn't often use that certain curse word; but when she did it was because she was being pushed to her limits and her anger was at a boiling point. The more he pushed when she was at that level, the more she'd rage…and yet he couldn't seem to help himself; he couldn't seem to make himself stop the conversation and regain some semblance of control. "I trust you, Johanna," he said; his tone low and even; but if you keep doing things like this; if you keep things from me, then I'm not going to trust like I normally would."

"I didn't realize going to the market for cleaning supplies and groceries was a crime; my apologies, warden."

"Don't," Jim said darkly.

"The stop acting like I'm a prisoner," she said; her tone clipped. "I've already done a 13 year sentence that made me feel like a hostage. I followed the rules; you can try and say I didn't all you want but you know I did. I know I made a mess of things by reacting badly to you seeing me with a drink but you haven't exactly acted like a saint about it yourself. You're keeping it going just as much as I am; just like last night I woke you up because I needed help and you were acting like an ass, wanting to get your little digs in until I pleaded with you to get my medicine and yell at me in the morning. It's not all on me, Jim. You carry your share of the blame; and Katie can carry hers and I'll carry mine. I'm not carrying it for the three of us; my back already aches from everything I have to carry. You carry your own blame; I've got plenty of my own."

"I don't treat you like a prisoner and I resent the accusation," he replied harshly. "If that's how you feel about being home with me; why are you still there? If you're being so mistreated why haven't you moved back in with Katie? I didn't realize I was a tyrant, Johanna."

"I didn't say you were a tyrant; you're not. I'm just pointing out that when I do something that _you_ tell me to do, _you_ get pissed off about it and act like I'm supposed to stay locked in the house unless I have a permission slip to go outside. I'm here because I love you and this is where I want to be; but you have to make up your mind about what you want me to do. You either want me to be able to go out on my own or you want me to stay home unless you or someone else is with me. You need to think about that and tell me what you decide."

"Why bother? Whatever I say; eventually you're going to do what you want; you always do. You're the one who started this, not me," Jim retorted.

"I might have started it accidentally; but you could've ended it before it snowballed…you chose not to. I tried to apologize; you didn't want to hear it. I hurt you and I'm sorry…and you hurt me and I'm not hearing an ounce of remorse and that's fine; it's not the first time you've been pissed off at me and I'm sure it won't be the last…but don't shove all the blame on me. It didn't get to this point by my hand alone. You could've taken control of it when it first started. You could've accepted my apology; you could've done a lot of things, Jim; but you didn't…so maybe you want to fight; maybe there's some part of you that needs to just like there's a part of me that needed to fight back yesterday…but it needs to stop now for both of us. I'm willing to stop this; I don't want to spend the next week fighting with you; I love you. We've both gotten our shots in now; and if you're willing; when you come home, we can shut off the phones and talk this out and put it behind us."

"I'm angry with you," Jim stated.

"Yeah; I've noticed," she replied. "I'm angry with you too."

"I don't think I'm at the stage to talk it out," he told her. "I'm too mad at you for not telling me about that reporter; and for going off on your own without a word. Not to mention what proceeded those incidents."

"Oh my God; the reporter wasn't a big deal!" Johanna exclaimed. "I handled it and I didn't break down or fall apart. I handled it! You should be proud of me!"

"Maybe I would've been if you had told me about it when it happened instead of letting me read it in the newspaper. You didn't mind telling me about Sharon but you kept your mouth shut about this. It makes me feel like you only tell me the things I don't need to know and nothing about the ones I do need to know."

"So you don't want to try at all to end this tonight when you come home?"

"No," Jim answered. "Tonight, I just want to be pissed off at you; because I am and I want you to know it. I tried to do something nice for you; I took you away, I took you to the one person in this world who can be like a mother to you and you have to have a damn meltdown over a glass of wine and ruin everything that I tried to create for you and that makes me angry, Johanna. You just had to ruin it and push us into this pit."

Tears burned her eyes; that feeling of numbness that had encased her while talking to Kate melted rapidly at the harshness of her husband's tone. "I'm sorry," she murmured as her throat tightened.

"Like I said; you always are."

She sucked in a soft breath. "I just wanted to make sure that you got to work alright. I'll leave you be now. I love you," she said softly before ending the call; not bothering to wait and hear him scoff or take a parting shot at her.

Johanna sat in the silence of the kitchen for a long moment, her eyes blurring with tears as her heart ached; feeling like it was cracking open. She put her phone back in her pocket and got up and poured herself a cold glass of ginger ale for her queasy stomach. She headed back upstairs and once she entered the bedroom, she closed the blinds a little more and then crawled back into her bed, wishing she hadn't gotten up earlier. She should've just stayed in bed…but staying in bed all the time made it easy for her to sink into depression; she had plenty of experience with that from Wyoming. Her head ached and her stomach felt raw; her heart wounded and a feeling of weariness sweeping over her. Today it was alright to climb back into bed; she mused as she pulled the covers up over her and allowed the tears to fall.

* * *

"So," Zach said, breaking the silence a few minutes after Jim had ended his phone call.

"So what?" he asked.

His friend shrugged. "Well it was hard not to overhear your conversation."

"Especially when Sassy gets ticked and starts getting loud," Jeff added.

"What's your point?" Jim asked; although he was sure he didn't want to know.

"It, uh, sounded like she was trying to give you a way out of this mess," Zach replied. "She wants to talk and get past it."

"Well I don't want to talk about it."

Jeff sighed. "Yeah; that's always seemed to be a problem for you when it comes to Johanna; but the question is, why? Wouldn't you rather get this over with and be done with it? Do you really want to be fighting with her clear up until we leave on the hunting trip?"

"I didn't start it."

"Maybe not but you're not innocent," Jeff replied. "You've stoked the fires, so to speak."

Zach nodded. "He's right; it takes two to fight…and Johanna has a point too, the reporter thing wasn't a big deal. It was only one person and she handled it. Yes, she should've told you but if things went so badly between you last night; did she really have a chance? You told us she got up sick in the middle of the night; can you prove that didn't interfere with a plan to tell you this morning?"

"No; I can't prove that but she had plenty of opportunities last night and she chose not to use them."

Jeff's gaze shifted from his papers to his best friend. "Do you think maybe she didn't tell you because you were already mad and from what we already know, she had already had a go around with Katie…and maybe she just wanted a time out…maybe she just wanted to wait."

"I don't care what the reason is," Jim stated. "I care that she kept it from me. I care that she's going against the things she said she'd do."

'Is it really that she's pushing her boundaries in a way you don't like or is it something else?" Zach asked.

"Like what?"

'You tell us," Jeff replied. "You keep bringing up that she ruined the vacation."

"She did at the last minute when she had to take leave of her senses all because of a damn glass of wine. She just had to make a big thing out of it and it ruined what was, up until that point, a nice vacation."

Jeff met his eye. "No one is disputing that she handled it badly; but that's because she's never had to deal with that situation before…and yeah; she overreacted, because she loves you, because she's afraid, because it's still new to her…but you overreacted too. You could've been the calm one; you could've taken the reins and talked it through with her and kept it from snowballing; but you didn't…so don't you think maybe you're just as much to blame as she is?"

Jim gave his attention to the documents in front of him; ignoring the question and the look his friends shared.

"Jo's not the first person to treat you that way when it comes to alcohol," Zach stated. "And you've forgiven those people easily about it. You don't mind talking about it with anyone else…so what's the problem with dealing with it with your wife? Like you said before; you've dealt with harder issues. You spent thirteen years thinking your wife was dead; stabbed to death in an alley and left to die alone…and then one day she shows up out of the blue; alive and well, with a different name and a story about being hidden by the FBI…which we're all thankful that she was spared and kept safe; but that was a huge thing, Jim. You got through it. You got through the whole summer of having a target on her back and Katie's. You went to Wyoming to be with her while she tied up loose ends. All of those are big things that you got through. So why is this different? Why is one bad reaction pissing you off so much?"

"Because she should have more faith in me than what she showed me," Jim replied; his hand gripping his pen tightly. "I have faith in her…everything we've gone through the last several months should prove that. I took her back without hesitation; I was there…I'm still there. I thought she knew me better; I thought she trusted me."

"Who says she doesn't?" Jeff asked. "Just because she wasn't sure how to handle a situation doesn't mean she doesn't trust you. How is she supposed to know if you're tempted or not by seeing someone else drink? Especially when you said that Katie doesn't drink in front of you and that when Jo would have wine with Katie they drank it when you weren't there. She's following Katie's lead on that because it's all she knows to do, Jim. Let's not forget that you've had some bad reactions of your own since she's been home…like that phone call she got from a colleague that you lost your head over. You were convinced she'd been in Wyoming having an affair…and Jo thought you should've known her better than that. She thought you should've had more faith in her than that but you didn't for awhile…you fought her tooth and nail; wouldn't listen to reason; even Katie jumped your ass about it because you made something out of nothing. You're angry with her for doing something that you've done to her. You don't like that she was treating you differently because of your past and she didn't like that you were unfairly accusing her of being an adulteress. You woke up and realized you were wrong and she was being truthful and she forgave you for your missteps and bad reaction…isn't it time you return the favor?"

"Yeah," Zach agreed. "I think you can call it even now."

"It's not just about a bad reaction; it's about everything since then."

"You're mad at her for being mad at you," Jeff stated. "But she's only mad at you because you got mad at her first…but she needs that anger sometimes, Jim…look what it accomplished; she got in her car and went out and got what she needed. A reporter approached her and she didn't break down, she didn't have another panic attack; she handled it…and she did it in a way that's purely Johanna McKenzie Beckett; full of sass and completely unapologetic. She had control; she knew what she was doing. She was being completely herself; she showed no fear…because you shoved her enough. You got mad and she got madder and she went out there and acted like she would've acted before any of this mess ever happened. Instead of yelling her at her you ought to out buying her flowers and congratulating her on tackling that first hurdle."

"Jeff's right," Zach remarked; "You ought be glad that she did so well; you ought to talk to her and put this nonsense behind you and praise her for being what you and Katie have been wanting her to be…not telling her that she was wrong."

Jim exhaled a weighted breath. "I don't want to talk about it anymore."

"Of course not," Jeff commented. "We're probably making sense and you hate that when you're fully absorbed in being an ass. You better watch it though; I heard that certain word she threw out there…Jo doesn't use that word unless she's really pissed off and has run out of other words to express herself with, so you might want to get some protective gear; she might be ready to kick your ass when you get home."

Jim scoffed; he was sure she was probably fantasizing about that as they spoke.

* * *

An hour and a half later, Johanna was still lying in bed; the covers pulled up around her tightly and her gaze on the television as she half heartedly watched a morning talk show. She wasn't interested in the celebrity being interviewed and truth be told; she wasn't a big fan of the duo that hosted the show but beggars couldn't be choosers in the morning hours, she thought to herself. After all; the sometimes mind numbing talk shows were better than watching the news. Her eyes felt tired from crying and mostly like from the dull headache that had formed. She wished she had thought to grab her glasses from the coffee table downstairs but she hadn't…and she couldn't seem to drag herself out of bed. She closed her eyes and turned over, pulling Jim's pillow close so that she could breathe in his scent. Maybe she just needed to go back to sleep for awhile…maybe it would help; maybe she would dream up some solution.

Her phone rang before she could accomplish her mission of a nap, making her sigh as she turned over and grabbed the offending device from the nightstand, a part of her hoping it was her husband. It wasn't; although she had been sure that would be the case anyway. Valerie's name was on the screen and she accepted the call, bringing the phone to her ear and saying "Hello", hating that her voice most likely showcased the fact that she had been crying and that she wasn't feeling well.

"Hey; I haven't heard from you since before you went on vacation," Valerie said. "I saw you on the news this morning; how are you doing?"

Johanna scoffed softly. "I've been better," she admitted.

"What's wrong?" her sister-in-law asked; her voice warm and brimming with concern.

"Everything," she murmured; her voice cracking as her emotions surged to the surface.

"What's going on, Jo?"

She took a shaky breath. "Jim and I have been fighting for days…Katie and I are at odds with each other. I had a terrible migraine last night that had me up sick most of the night and I still don't feel all that great today. I'm laying here in bed because it's the only thing I can think to do because I've already had it out with my husband and daughter today and I just…I just don't know."

"I'm coming over," Valerie stated. "I'll be there in a little while."

"You don't have to go through that trouble, Val. I'm okay; you don't have to worry."

"Don't be silly," her sister-in-law replied. "It's no trouble and you don't need to be alone when you're upset and not feeling well. I'm putting my shoes on now; I'll be there shortly, okay?"

"Okay," she said softly. "I'll be here."

"You better be; I'd hate to think you were avoiding a visit with me."

"Never," Johanna told her. "I'd never shun a visit from you."

"Good; I'll see you in a little while."

Johanna laid the phone aside after saying goodbye and then pushed her hair back from her face. Now she had to get out of bed. It was effort she didn't really want to exert but for Valerie she would.

* * *

Valerie arrived at Johanna's door an hour later, cup holder containing two cups of coffee in hand and a plastic bag looped over her wrist.

"Sorry it took me a little longer to get here than I alluded to," Valerie said as she sat the cup holder and the bag down on the stand and pulled her sister-in-law into a hug. "I made a few stops."

"I can see that," Johanna replied; hugging her tightly for a moment before releasing her so that she could hang up her coat and purse.

Valerie smiled as she picked up the items she had brought and moved along with Johanna to the living room. "I figured I'd buy us some coffee," she remarked as she sat the holder on the coffee table and put the bag down beside it.

"I could've made you some coffee, Val," Johanna said; "But I do appreciate it; Jim dumped out what he made this morning before I got up."

"Men," her sister-in-law muttered. "You can't live with them and you can't live without them."

"That's the truth," she sighed.

"And we all know it," Valerie agreed; "But anyway, I figured we needed fancy coffee today; you need the caffeine to help with that headache. I hope you still like vanilla in yours; I ordered what I always remembered you getting."

Johanna smiled as she accepted the cup from Valerie's hand. "I do; thank you."

"You're welcome. How are you feeling? You look a little pale," her sister-in-law said as she reached out and pressed the backs of her fingers to Johanna's forehead to check for fever.

She couldn't help but laugh a little at the gesture. "Is that the mommy in you or the nurse?" she asked in amusement.

Valerie grinned. "A little of both; but hey, my nursing training hasn't gone to waste; I can tell you with certainty that you don't have a fever…but I can tell that headache is hanging on a little; you're squinting a bit."

Johanna nodded. "I opened the curtains to help warm up the room…you know the light always bothers me a little when I have one of these headaches."

"I know," she said as she opened up the plastic bag. "Have you taken anything for it today?"

"Not since Jim woke me at five to give me the prescription pill I have for migraines; it's been long enough that it's out of my system now but I don't want to take any more of them today if I can help it. They make me sleep."

"Then I'm glad I picked you up these," Valerie remarked as she pulled a small bottle of over the counter migraine tablets from the bag. "These work really well from what I've heard about them and they won't make you sleepy because they have a little bit of caffeine in them. Do you want to try one and see if it helps?"

"Yeah; I'll try it," she answered. "I better go get a glass of water; I remember you telling me not to take medication with coffee; that it's better to take it with water."

"I'm glad someone listens to me," Valerie said with a laugh as she opened the box and pulled out the bottle.

Johanna went to the kitchen and got a small glass of water and returned to the living room just as Valerie finally got the seal broken on the bottle. "Here you go," she said as she shook out a tablet and gave it to her.

"Thank you; let me know what I owe you for them."

Valerie waved a dismissive hand. "You don't owe me a damn thing. We'll call it even for that time when Greg was an infant and had colic; you came over on a Friday night after work and walked the floors with him all night so Frankie and I could get some sleep."

"I remember that," Johanna said; "I didn't think you were going to last much longer."

"Neither did I…I was so glad when you offered to come over; although I hated to have you be up all night with a cranky baby after you had been at work all day."

"I didn't mind," she replied as she settled back against the couch; drawing her legs up against her.

Valerie smiled. "I think you sang him every song you knew…Frankie woke up in the middle of the night thinking that the top 40 countdown was on the radio."

She laughed. "Well Greg seemed to like it and I was trying to be as quiet as possible."

"Oh we know; and we didn't mind…and I found it to be amazing how he'd stop crying every time you sang him that Carpenters song 'Close to You'."

"That's our song," Johanna replied. "I always sang him that song when I'd put him down for a nap when I was babysitting…I made them play it at my wedding so I could dance with him to it."

"I know; and that's still one of his fondest memories," Valerie told her.

"I miss babies," she said wistfully.

"Me too."

"You've got Ally," Johanna remarked.

"Yeah; but Greg won't let her move in with me," Valerie replied. "Something about he and Kelly want to raise her themselves."

She laughed. "Imagine that."

"It was worth a try," her sister-in-law laughed. "But being a grandmother is nice…you'll know that feeling one day."

"I don't know…the way things get between Katie and I; I'm not sure we'll have much of a relationship by the time she gets around to having a baby. I'll probably be lucky if she lets me see it once a month."

"Now don't go thinking like that; she'll want you around a whole lot when a baby enters her world. She's going to want you to babysit…and she's going to want you to ease all of her fears that are going to spring up. You just wait and see; it'll happen one day."

"I hope so."

"Until it does happen; I'll share Ally with you," Valerie told her.

"I'd appreciate that," Johanna replied with a small smile.

"Tell me what happened with Katie."

"Well; to do that; I have to back it up to what happened with Jim."

Her sister-in-law nodded. "Okay; but first, before we get into story hour; did you eat anything today?"

"No."

"I didn't think so," Valerie replied as she pulled the pink bakery box from the bag on the coffee table. "You like to cook when you're upset but you don't like to eat much during that same timeframe."

"I can't really deny that."

"That's why I got these," she said, opening the box and lifting out a coffee roll that was slathered in peanut butter icing.

"Oh my God," Johanna said as she accepted it from her hand. "I haven't had one of these in forever."

"Then it's high time you had one," Valerie remarked as she took one out of the box for herself. "You eat all of it too; that's probably another reason you aren't feeling all that great; you don't have anything on your stomach."

Johanna bit into the coffee roll and closed her eyes as she savored the taste of it. "That's so good," she breathed after swallowing.

"They sure are…that's why I got us half a dozen; we'll split whatever's left."

"Sounds good to me," she said around another bite.

When they had each finished their first coffee roll; Valerie shifted so that she could see her face better. "Now that we've gotten some food in you; do you want to tell me what's been going on around here?"

She sighed softly; her fingers toying with her rings. "It feels like a long story."

"I've got plenty of time," her sister-in-law said warmly. "Whatever it is; you can tell me; you know that."

She did know that, Johanna thought to herself; so she took a breath and began to tell how everything had gone wrong at the last minute when Jim had arrived back at Bridget's to pick her up for the trip home.

After she explained what had caused the discord with Jim, Valerie gave her a look of understanding. "You panicked."

"I did…and I didn't know what to do. I felt like I was doing something wrong; that I was slapping his past habits in his face or something. It's hard for me to deal with this part of his life…especially when I know that I caused it."

"You can't take all the blame for his drinking, Jo," Valerie said gently. "He made the choice to do. He chose to use you as an excuse…and I know it's hard for you to separate yourself from the knowledge of when that habit began; but you can't take it all on your shoulders. He has to take most of the blame for it. He knew what he was doing; he may have used you as an excuse; but honey, you didn't hand him the bottle."

"I know; but it's so hard to let go of feeling responsible for it. I don't know how to act in the situation I found myself in. When I was with Katie; she seemed to make it clear, without exactly saying so, that we'd only have a glass of wine if he wasn't there and I just assumed that's the way it needed to be; it made sense to me…so I figured once I was home; I wouldn't have wine anymore because I couldn't keep it in the house and I wasn't about to drink in front of him when we went out to dinner, although he always says I can have a glass. I'm just not comfortable with him seeing me do that…because how do I know if it's tempting him or not? How do I know he isn't feeling resentful that I can have a drink and he can't? I don't know what to do or say about it…and while we've talked about it a little; we haven't gone as in depth about other things in regard to that habit."

"Like what?"

"Like what I'm supposed to do," she said quietly. "What is my role? Do I keep it from him in every way I can? Or should I occasionally have a glass of wine when we're out at dinner so he doesn't think I'm trying to mother him as he accused me of doing? I don't even know how to talk about it with him because we don't really talk much about it at all…and I'm afraid to bring it up…when it does come up; he gets upset; accuses me as seeing him as weak or that I think he can't handle things or that I don't trust him. None of that's true…I just want to be able to be there for him as a wife should; and I know that I wasn't a part of his recovery; that he's already gone through all that and it's been years and he's moved on from it…but it's new to me…and I don't know how to go through it. I don't know how to avoid the mistakes because no one is helping me learn. And then I get myself into trouble; I panic because I don't want him to see me drink; I don't want to upset him, tempt him, or make him think that I'm being disrespectful of what he's gone through. When we first talked about it; back when I was still living with Katie; I asked him to promise me that he'd come to me if he ever felt like he was backsliding and he did promise me that he would…and then we have this falling out and he tells me how he doesn't need my help; he doesn't need me for anything in that area. It hurt me…maybe it shouldn't, but it did."

"Of course it did," Valerie replied; "How could it not? You love him; you want to be there for him regardless of what the issue may be."

"That's right," she murmured. "I always want to be there for him; I don't ever want him to have that issue again; but I want to know that he can trust me to help him if he felt like he might backslide. I don't want to feel like I'd just be expected to stand on the sidelines because I wasn't here to go through it with him before. I told Katie about what happened…and really I shouldn't have; but I guess I thought maybe she'd understand because she's gone through it but she didn't…she just told me how wrong I was to panic; how I'm not needed by him or her or anyone else in the family because everyone has learned to go on without my presence and I have no right to be hurt by being told that I'm not needed. I have no right to be mad at Jim about things he said or did; no right to anything it seems like."

"The little brat," her sister-in-law muttered. "How can she sit there and tell her mother that she's not needed? I love that girl, you know that…"

"I know; you always loved her."

"I do, I love her with all my heart just like I love all of my nieces and nephews, but I'd like to put her over my knee right now; because I think she was out of line and deliberately hurtful about something you're already vulnerable about."

"Yeah, well, everything I do seems to rub her the wrong way now that I'm not living with her…and you know; I kind of had a feeling this would happen; that once she wasn't forced to be around me so much; the anger would resurface and she'd push me away again. I didn't want to be right about that but I know I am…and it got even worse."

"How?"

Johanna told her about how she had checked in with Kate during her outing and how Kate had acted about the whole thing; how she had tattled to Jim after every call and had came over that morning to spill the beans about her run in with the reporter. She then told Valerie about the phone call they'd had that morning and how Kate had made mention that she wasn't going to allow her to destroy Jim again.

"So the ally you had most of the summer has now apparently gone back to the other side," Valerie murmured, seeing the sheen of tears in Johanna's eyes.

"It seems that way…and it hurts…it hurts so badly. She doesn't trust me to know what I'm doing…she thinks I'll destroy him if she's not policing everything I do. It hurts to know that after everything we went through that she still thinks so little of me. It was a very hard struggle with her when I first came home but then it felt like we got so much closer as we got to know each other again…it wasn't exactly the same as it was before; but it can't ever be exactly the same…but it was a new sort of closeness; the kind that felt like a mother and adult daughter have…and now it feels like it was a fraud in some ways…like she conned me into a false sense of security just long enough to get me back home. When she needs me; well then everything is fine and wonderful between us; but when she doesn't; then it's like I'm a wad of gum she keeps stepping in."

"What happened with the rest of your phone call with her?"

Johanna explained the rest of the call she had with Kate that morning, including how she had hung up on her and then declined her call when she called back. "I know it was probably a petty thing to do," she stated; "But I just didn't have anything left to say to her and I didn't want to pretend that everything was fine when it wasn't."

"No one can blame you for that," Valerie replied. "Getting hung up on seems like a pretty mild reaction considering the hurtful things she's been throwing around lately. Did she call Jim to tattle?"

"I don't know," she answered. "When I finally got him on the phone we had to go through our own fight…and he rejected my plea to talk it through tonight when he comes home. He said he wants to be mad at me; he doesn't want to talk. I don't want to do it…I don't want to fight with him anymore today and its making me dread when he gets home because I know it's going to be a combination of being ignored and fighting and I'm just tired of it. They want to blame it all on me but they don't get that they keep it going just as much, even when I'm ready to surrender."

"If I was you, I'd let him stew in his anger by himself since he isn't open to talking just yet."

"What do you mean?"

Valerie took her hand and offered her a soft smile. "I mean why don't you come and stay with us for a night or two?" she offered. "Maybe it would be good for you and Jim to have a little space."

The idea sounded appealing, Johanna thought to herself as she worried her bottom lip; but would it help or make things worse? "It might make him angrier," she murmured.

"It might at first," Valerie agreed; "But he's already mad…and he can stew in it alone for a night or two. Maybe it'll be like a bucket of cold water for him…wake him up a little bit."

"It's tempting," she admitted. "But I don't know…"

"You've got to stand your ground, Jo. You can't be so afraid to fight back against him just because you're afraid of losing him. Marriage is supposed to be equal; not he makes the rules and you follow because you're being punished for something that was out of your control. I know you're wary about leaving the house for a night or two; but it might do you good too. You might feel better if you got away. Here, you're alone most of the day, and you think that's the space you need but it's not; because while you're here alone, you're thinking about it and dwelling on every little thing that's gone wrong…and dreading the next round when he gets home."

"I know."

"It's okay for you to need space sometimes. Being thankful to be home doesn't mean that you can't ever need room to breathe."

"I do feel that way though at times," she whispered; as if she was afraid someone would overhear her confession. "This is all I wanted, to be home with them and in my own home again. I thought things would be getting easier once I was out of Katie's apartment but it hasn't, sometimes it feels harder. Sometimes I do need space."

"Then take it," Valerie encouraged.

"I'm afraid," she admitted.

"You'll be safe with us," her sister-in-law assured.

"I know…but I'm afraid of making things worse with Jim…I mean, I do see the merit of having some space between us right now; especially when he's admitted that he wants to be mad at me and doesn't want to talk. If we keep fighting then nothing is going to get better and it isn't going to end anytime soon…and I want this to stop. I don't want us to be fighting over this for the next few weeks. Sometimes we did have to have a night or so apart to cool things off."

"Then be the one to take that step; he's going to be mad because he's already angry…but you can have back some control and you can do whatever you need to do to assure him that you'll be back in a day or two; that you're not being spiteful, that you're just trying to keep things from getting worse. Space isn't a bad thing; it might be the thing you both need right now."

She made a convincing argument, Johanna thought to herself. She hated the thought of leaving the house…of how mad Jim would be…but maybe it was the only thing left to do. "I'll send him a text when we're ready to leave and I'll tell him I'm going with you for awhile…that way he won't blow his stack at work…I'll leave him a letter here…sometimes I feel like I explain myself better if I can write it out for him."

"Then do it; write out everything you want him to know; assure him that you'll be with us; that you're not cutting off all contact. Just tell him you're trying to do something to keep things from getting worse. He'll be mad…but you can't go the rest of your life fearing his anger, Johanna. You have to be allowed to fight back and do what you think is right."

"I know…it's just scary to do that now because of everything that's happened…because we've worked hard to rebuild our marriage."

"You're not going to lose your marriage because you take some time away to keep a fight from getting worse. He might come around quicker if he has some time alone; you've done it before for that very reason. It's okay to do this if you want to; if you don't want to, I understand that too…but you can come stay with us for tonight, and tomorrow night too if you want and see if it helps. The choice is yours; it's up to you. Take some time to think about while we visit a little more."

They chatted for various topics for another hour before Johanna took a breath and met Valerie's eye. "I'm going to write that letter and then I'm going to pack a bag…I want to be at your house before Jim gets off work."

"Are you sure?" Valerie asked; "I don't want to think that I forced you into something you don't want to do."

She shook her head. "No; you're not forcing me; I'm choosing to do it…although I hate to do it…but I feel like I need to do this to keep this from getting worse. He needs time to think things through and he always does that better when he has some time away from me. He has done it to me when we'd fight while I was staying with Katie…he'd stay away for a few days or he'd come and ignore me and we'd fight until Katie would tell him not to come the next day because we would be out. So taking some space isn't a new thing entirely for us at this stage…he's taken plenty at times…maybe it's my turn to be the one to initiate it. He'll be going on a hunting trip soon and I don't want this lingering until then. I don't want him going off with discord between us."

"That's understandable; you go get your things together and write your note; and don't worry; I'll keep you occupied so you don't dwell too much. We'll go out and have a girls day tomorrow if you're feeling up to it."

Johanna smiled; that sounded like just the thing she needed. "That sounds so good, Val…I feel like I've been needing one of those for awhile."

"Then tomorrow we'll have one," her sister-in-law said with a bright smile of her own. "It's been far too long since we've spent a day out together."

"I can't promise your picture won't end up in the paper," Johanna remarked; thinking about how their outing could go.

"I don't care," she replied; "I want to spend the day with my sister and that's what we're going to do as long as you're feeling better."

Johanna took a deep breath. "Okay; we'll do it…and just bear with me if I seem like a second guessing wreck on the way to your house."

"No problem," Valerie said; "I understand…and I think once we get there; you'll feel better about it. It's okay for you to say 'this is what I need and I'm going to have it'."

"My brother will be okay with this?" she asked, hesitating before getting up from the sofa.

"Yes; he knows I'm here. He called me while I was getting the coffee and I told him I was coming over to offer comfort. He said that if you needed to come stay with us to bring you home with me."

"Okay," she said softly; "I'm going to do this…I'm going to be brave about it."

"Just like you were brave yesterday…and you did just fine. You handled that reporter like he was nothing more than a pesky fly. You're making the right moves, Jo; you're doing it little by little but you're getting better. Don't be afraid of the anger; that's Jim and Katie's issues that they need to work out while you work on yours."

Johanna nodded; hoping she was doing the right thing…that she could keep a calm level head when faced with Jim's anger…that she could make him see that she was doing this for them; not to get even about something. It wasn't easy for her to think about leaving home even for a night without him…but maybe she had to; maybe this was the only way. She just had to pray it wouldn't blow up in her face.

* * *

As Jim stepped in the kitchen that night, he wasn't entirely surprised to find it void of his wife; after all she had sent him a text saying that she was going with Valerie for awhile. She hadn't said when she'd be back; although a part of him had figured she'd be back by dinner time but it didn't matter all that much. As long as she was with someone he trusted, he didn't mind her getting out of the house. He could fend for himself for dinner, he mused as he headed to their office to drop his briefcase at his desk. After doing so, he retreated upstairs to change clothes, the silence of the house nagging at him a little as he had quickly gotten unaccustomed to it when Johanna had come home. The house just never felt completely right without her presence.

As he entered the bedroom and flipped on the night, he noticed a letter laying on his pillow. His brow furrowed in puzzlement as he crossed the room and picked it up. His name was written on the top line in his wife's elegant script and he felt his stomach clench before he even read the first line.

 _Jim,_

 _I'm not coming home tonight…_

Jim was sure his heart hit his toes when he read those words, bad memories rolling through his mind, fear tightening his stomach. He had to force himself to concentrate to be able to read the rest of the words she had written.

" _I'm not coming home tonight; I'm going to stay with Valerie and Frankie. I know you'll be angry; that's why I didn't tell you in my text when I let you know I was leaving with her. Val and I were talking and she mentioned that maybe we need some space. It didn't seem like a far fetched idea…and the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I do need a little space right now. I feel guilty for it; I feel like it's the last thing I should want when I've spent so many years alone wishing and waiting to get back home. But I do need it…and so do you. We're not getting anywhere at the moment; I angered you and you angered me…and you and I; well, when we're angry we throw some punches that just make things worse. You always wound me with words; because you know they have the most power over me. I always strike back with actions, because I know it's the spot to hit. It's nothing new; we've always been that way and usually we take a bit of satisfaction in it…but I'm tired of this fight, Jim. I thought maybe it was dying down early this morning when you were staying up with me, taking care of me after I swallowed my pride and asked for help. But I was wrong, as always._

 _I seem to have a big list of sins this week; let's back track to the first. I'm sorry that I panicked when you saw me drinking wine at Bridget's. It's not that I think you're weak or that you can't handle your demons. It's nothing like that at all. You're still the strong, wonderful man I married; your struggles don't change that; they only increase my admiration because you always overcome anything put in your path. I just want to be supportive of your success and your journey. I don't ever want to be the one who causes you to seek that path again. You can't absolve me of the guilt I carry about it; that's mine for life; and I'm sorry that it irritates you. I panicked because I felt like what I was doing was wrong; that I wasn't being the supportive wife I want to be because I gave in to something that I've been craving. I've wanted that glass of wine for awhile…and maybe it scares me that I wanted it so badly; because truth be told, I probably drank far too much of it in Wyoming. I feel like if I drink in front of you I'm being disrespectful to what you've gone through; and no matter what you say, you can't separate your drinking habits from my disappearance. They are irrevocably linked. I don't feel comfortable drinking in front of you; not because I think you'll reach for a glass of your own, but because I feel like it's a slap in your face to sit there and have a drink while you watch knowing I'm a part of the reason why alcohol caused you a problem._

 _I'm sorry, Jim. I never meant to hurt you. I just panicked; and I know it sounds stupid; I know I handled it badly; but I am sorry. It won't ever happen again. I can't help worrying sometimes; I can't help that sometimes I fear driving you back to that dark place with my reappearance in your life. I know we've been over that a hundred times before and that my insecurities are annoying to you. All I can do is promise to try and do better; keep my nonsense to myself where it belongs. This won't be an issue again, I promise. There's no need for further discussion on the matter; I won't mention it again._

 _You hurt me when you said you didn't need me; but Katie enlightened me to the fact that nothing you said was a lie; you don't need me to help you with anything. She told me that neither one of you need me; that my absence forced you both to learn how to do without me and that I have no right to be mad about being reminded of that. She told me that everyone moved on; not that I didn't already know that; but that people moved on enough to have no need of me anymore. I can't say that it doesn't hurt to know that I'm unneeded by the people I love; it does hurt, and when Katie gave me her very blunt speech about how unneeded I am; I started to wonder if I had made things worse by staying once Bracken was arrested; that maybe everyone was happier without me. I started to feel like a burden and an obligation; that I was just some crazy person you both felt like you were obligated to take in because I'm your wife and her mother. That's why I told you last night that you could've sent me back if you hadn't wanted me to stay. If you had told me to go, I would have. I wouldn't have wanted to cause you further pain or problems, and I know I have. I'm sorry that I got so hurt and angry about you saying that you don't need me; I understand why you don't and why Katie doesn't. It's my own doing even though it was done for the good of all of us. I just want you to know that if you ever do decide that this is too much for you to forgive or deal with, that you can tell me…you can pack my stuff and send me on my way. I'd never hold it against you. As long as you keep me, I'll work through my neediness and try to tame it. Just give me some time to work on things and I promise, sooner or later, I'll be so much better than what I am now._

 _I know you're angry that I went to the market alone; but I was trying to take your advice. You told me to drive, you told me to get out of the house. I obeyed the rules and called Katie. It still blew up in my face when it came to you. I just wanted to show you that I could do it…maybe make you proud of me. I know you're angry about me not telling you about the reporter but I didn't want to hear the 'that's why I told you to stay home' lecture last night. It was only that one man and his cameraman. I handled it…I didn't break down, I didn't need to flee. I spoke my piece, and really if you listen to it, I didn't say much at all. I knew you might be annoyed to find out about the reporter run in but I thought maybe you'd be proud of me for handling the situation without assistance. I thought you'd see that I could handle it and you'd feel better. I was wrong again, I'm sorry. Katie told me I'm a coward…but at least I have that one moment to remind myself of; I wasn't a coward yesterday._

 _Please don't be angry with me for going with Valerie; I'm not doing it to spite you or make you feel like I'm trying to get even or run away or anything like that. I'm not; I swear I'm not. I'll be home in a day or two…I just think we need some time apart; maybe it'll help settle this. I'm coming home; I promise…we just need a little space. I'm safe with Frankie and Valerie; you don't have to worry about me being there; my brother wouldn't let any harm come to me, you know that. My phone is on and it'll stay on, I promise._

 _I love you; I'll be home soon._

 _Johanna_

Anger rippled through him as he clutched the sheets of paper; hurt spreading quickly behind it. She left him…and she had promised that she'd never leave again. How could she? How could she think it was alright? What right did Valerie have to stick her nose in their business and persuade his wife to leave him? Anguish pooled within him and he crumpled the letter in anger and threw it on the floor. All of her talk about how they should've sent her back if they didn't want her…maybe it had really been the other way around. Maybe she wanted out. Well if that's what she wanted, that was fine; he thought as he pulled his phone from his pocket and tapped out a hasty text.

" _If you want out then go; you don't have to leave a list of excuses; just go if it's what you want. You just keep lying to me over and over; you said you'd never leave again and here I stand in an empty house and you're gone again. So go if you want to, Johanna. Do what you have to do."_

He hit send before he could even think about the words he had written in anger and he threw the phone on the bed as he paced the room, feeling caged, feeling uneasy with the fact that she had left. It wasn't supposed to be this way. There was no call for it. Was this what he had to look forward to every time they fought? That was if she really came back. His phone chimed with a message and he stalked toward the bed to grab it.

" _Jim; I haven't left you. It's not like that at all. I'm just spending the night here, maybe two; so we can have some time apart, sort through how we feel and then get past it when I get home. I want this fight to stop before it gets any worse and the only way we can stop it is if we have space. I didn't lie to you; I'm not lying to you. I'm coming home. I don't want out. I've never wanted out. You can't really believe I'd ever want to leave you. I've spent the night at other places before when we'd fight too much; you know that. I stayed at my mother's a few times. I took Katie and stayed at Bridget's for a weekend that one time. I'm pretty sure I even stayed with Maggie once before she and Jeff got married. I'll be home; just not tonight."_

" _I want you home tonight,"_ he demanded in his reply.

" _No; not tonight. It's going to be okay; it's no different than when I was staying with Katie."_

" _It is different! You didn't have a choice then, you have a choice now and you chose to leave me."_

" _I did not leave you. I'm doing this for us, Jim."_

" _That's your favorite excuse."_

" _Honey; please calm down. It's going to be fine. This shouldn't be a big deal…after all you're going to be leaving me for a week on your hunting trip."_

" _That's different!"_

" _Why? Because it's you?"_

" _Because it is; you're supposed to be here."_

" _And I will be,"_ Johanna answered. _"This is only about giving us a little space for a day or two. It's not permanent. I'm not leaving you. I don't want out. I don't like having to feel like this is the best option at the moment, but honey maybe it is. It's going to be fine. You can call me, you can text me, I'll answer."_

Jim scoffed in the silence of the bedroom. _"Yeah right; you'll turn your phone off like you have for the past two days."_

" _I won't; I told you that in my note. You can call or text at any time you want and the phone will be on; feel free to find that out on your own. I'm not trying to hurt you by giving us some space."_

" _It's hard for me to believe that at the moment, Johanna."_

He stared at the screen of his phone waiting for her response and when it didn't come as quickly as he thought it should, his blood began to boil. He was about to compose an angry message to his wife when the phone rang in his hand; her name and picture appearing on the screen. He accepted the call before it could ring a second time; his finger pressing against the screen with more force than necessary.

"What?" he asked tartly. "Did you forget to pack something and you want me to do it for you so you'll be comfortable while you run away from home?"

"Jim," she said softly; her tone gentle but holding a note of firmness. "Can you please just trust me?" she asked. "Can you just try to trust me like you used to long before this happened? You keep telling me that you trust me…but I don't feel like you do completely; and maybe that's a part of our problem."

"You're the problem," he said sharply. "You've been a problem since the day I met you."

Johanna swallowed hard and said nothing, silence filling the line as she tried to compose a coherent thought. "I know I'm a problem," she said softly; her tone nearly a whisper and he could hear the tears she was holding back. "That's why I'm trying to make things better. You can't cool off if I'm there…you're just going to stay mad unless we get away from each other for a little while. I don't like doing this; I hate being away from you, you don't know how difficult it was for me to do this…but I don't want things to get worse between us. Please, Jim; please…please just trust me this once…let me show you that I'm worthy of that trust."

"Why?" he asked; "You don't trust me."

"That's not true at all," she told him.

"Yeah it is. You don't trust me to be able to handle my own problems. You don't trust me not to drink if I see someone else doing it."

"I trust you, Jim," Johanna said firmly. "I told you why I reacted the way I did…you're too mad to care right now…but I know somewhere inside you probably understand…you just can't hear that part of you until you work through your anger. I trust you; if I didn't, would I stay with someone else knowing how mad it would probably make you? If I didn't trust you, don't you think I'd be worried that it would drive you back to that habit?"

"Why don't you just say the word, Johanna?" he asked. "Drinking. Say it."

"I don't have to say it; we both know what it is."

"Say it," he demanded. "You're married to an alcoholic; learn to say the words."

"I'm married to James Robert Beckett," she retorted. "He's my husband, the love of my life; my heart and soul; the father of my child."

"And he's an alcoholic," he said once more. "Acknowledge it."

"I have; isn't that what this whole thing has been about?" she asked.

"You won't even say the word, Johanna."

"Maybe I'm not ready," she murmured. "You and Katie want to talk about how hard everything is for the two of you…but do you think about how hard this is for me? You said you don't need me, that you learned to deal without me…well I haven't learned how to deal with that part yet. I'm just learning; I'll make mistakes…and maybe I wouldn't repeat them if someone would help me through it…but I know it isn't going to be you and it isn't going to be Katie; so I have to learn on my own as I go along because the two of you already dealt with it and have moved on and I'm not blaming anyone for that. But in return, you've got to stop blaming me for stumbling as I go…its old news to you, but it's still new to me and it scares me. I'm so afraid I'm going to screw up everything and take us both down in flames. I'm sorry that I hurt you with the way I reacted at Bridget's. I love you; I love you more than anything in this world and I'm going to learn to do better so you don't have to worry about me acting that way again. Just please put a little trust and faith in me…I'm coming back; I swear to God I am."

"I guess I'll believe that when I see it," he muttered.

"Jim, please," she sighed; emotion clogging her throat. "It's just a day or two."

"Or thirteen more years?" he fired back.

"It's not like that!" she yelled in his ear. "Just stop it! This is nothing like that! Stop seeing everything I do as someone kind of underhanded maneuver that's structured to take me away from home again because it's not! How many times do I have to say I'm sorry before you believe me? You say I did the right thing but I feel like I keep getting punished for it. What more do you want from me? Do you want me to write it in blood? If so, I'll go stick my finger with something and write it out for you. Would that make it better? Would it prove anything to you!? I'd do it if it would."

"I'm sorry," Jim found himself murmuring; her raised voice and anger washing over him like a cold bucket of water.

"I wouldn't do this if I didn't think it would help," Johanna said; her tone softening. "I love you and I don't want this to come between us anymore. Do you know what Sharon said at the market? She said that my marriage was over…she said you weren't happy and you were the last to leave the game; that you seemed like you didn't want to come home…and I couldn't stand the thought of that. I don't want us to fail; we've worked too hard to lose it now."

"We're not failing," he replied. "Don't listen to her; she's just a petty bitch. How she and Phil have lasted this long is beyond me. I left last because I had a few things to say to Phil that no one else needed to hear; and no, you don't need to hear it either."

"That's fine," she answered. "It's your private conversation and you have every right to keep it that way. I just don't want you to dread coming home to me."

"I don't! Come home now!"

"Not tonight," she said again. "This will be good for us…and don't you think it might be good for me to spend some time with Valerie? She's all I have as a sister and a friend…and I need both, Jim. I need someone that I can girl talk with…just like when you and Jeff go out together and do guy things…I know you're out bitching about your wives; and that's fine, it's healthy; I want you to…but I need someone to listen to me too; I need a woman around; and Valerie…she's known me longer than you have; she's only a year older than me…we have a history, I feel safe with her. I can tell her things and not worry about it being spread all over the city. I need some girl time…you can understand that, can't you? You don't mind me visiting Valerie, do you?"

"No…I just don't think you need to stay."

"I think I do…and I want you to trust me enough to let me. There's pasta in a bowl in the fridge; just heat it up on the stove for a few minutes; if you don't want that; there's ham or there's roast beef; you said you wanted some of that for sandwiches and I got it at the market yesterday. There are dinners in the freezer too. The mail is on your desk; I didn't open the credit card bill but I apologize in advance if it's more than I think it is."

"I don't mind supporting your shopping habits," he said gruffly; "As long as the card isn't maxed out."

"It's not," she replied. "I try to be careful."

"I know."

A moment of silence passed between them. "So?" she murmured. "Are we going to be okay with this arrangement for right now?"

"I guess I don't have much choice," Jim replied. "You already made up your mind."

"Jim…"

He sighed; he knew what she wanted and he'd have to give it to her, no matter how reluctant he was to do so. "Do you promise that you'll let me know if you and Valerie go out somewhere…just so I know where you are?"

"Yes, honey."

"It won't last more than two nights…that's as far as I'm willing to go…is that okay?" he asked.

"Yes," Johanna replied. "A two night limit is fine. Are you going to be okay?"

He breathed deeply. "Yeah…I'll be okay; will you?"

"I'll be fine…I'll miss you; but sometimes a night or two apart has proven good for us in the past."

"I know."

"I love you," Johanna told him.

"I love you too."

"You can call or text all you want."

"Alright."

"I have to go," she murmured. "Valerie probably has dinner on the table."

"Go ahead," Jim replied. "It's alright. I'll talk to you later."

They said goodbye and Jim laid his phone on the nightstand before stooping down to pick up the letter he had thrown down. He was still angry; still unhappy that she had taken it into her head to spend the night away from home; but as he re-read her letter, he began to realize that someone besides himself had crept into his wife's way of thinking. The words in her letter and the words she had spoken at dinner the day before seemed to collide and connect in his mind; a new swirl of anger sweeping through him. "Katie," he muttered.

His daughter had clearly not told him everything about her conversation with her mother like she had claimed to. In fact, when he had called her the night before to ask what she had said to Johanna, she had brushed it off and said that her mother was, in essence, being dramatic and hearing things that weren't said. He had a feeling she was lying about her role in whatever had gone on in that conversation; and since she was so good at evading phone calls; he'd just go track her down in person and remind her of why she shouldn't lie to her father…and why she shouldn't try to dole out helpful advice that her mother clearly didn't need to hear.

Jim folded the letter and shoved it and his phone in his pocket and then glanced at his watch. She'd be getting off work about that time…he wasn't sure if she went home to her own place to lose any media or if she somehow slipped into Rick's place right after work but he'd find her. He'd head to her apartment first and wait and see if she showed up…and if she didn't, then he'd go to Rick's and she could hear what he had to say right in front of her boyfriend and anyone else who happened to be there. He didn't care; she had a hand in these notions in Johanna's head and she was going to get called out for it.

* * *

Jim had waited for forty-five minutes for Kate to show up at her apartment and when she didn't, he made the drive to Castle's loft. He entered the building with purpose, his finger roughly stabbing the button of the elevator when he reached it. He hoped that Kate was at her home away from home and not tied up at work or out on a dinner date. He didn't relish the idea of having to wait and he sure as hell didn't want to call and inquire about her whereabouts. A call would tip her off to his purpose and she'd start composing a line of defense. That was the last thing he wanted. A tipped off Katie Beckett would have her lines rehearsed and things spun to keep herself in a good light. She'd tout that banner of accusing her mother of hearing things that weren't said; of being dramatic or just plain twisting her words.

He didn't believe that Johanna was guilty of those things…he could be honest with himself and say that at times she did feel like certain things were implied that hadn't been exactly spoken; but his wife had mentioned a speech in her letter…and if she said that something had been mentioned than chances were, she was recalling it correctly and their daughter was whitewashing it in her retelling of the conversation. He definitely didn't want her to know he was coming. His daughter was best caught in her lies when she didn't see someone coming for them until it was too late. She had to be unexpectedly on the spot…because it was easier for her to slip up when she was on the spot…easier to extract the truth from her.

The elevator dinged as it came to a stop; the door sliding open. Jim stepped off the elevator and made his way to Castle's door; raising his knuckles and wrapping on the door without a moment's hesitation. He waited impatiently for someone to answer and he had been about to knock again when he finally heard footsteps on the other side of the door.

Castle opened the door, surprise coloring his features as he looked at their guest. "Jim; what brings you by?" he asked; a friendly smile touching his lips.

"Is my daughter here?" he asked.

"Yeah; she's here; come on in," Castle replied; his gaze searching the area behind Jim as if he were looking for someone else. "Where's Johanna?"

"We'll get to that," Jim said a bit gruffly as he stepped inside the loft.

"Uh huh," Castle murmured; noting the stern look on the man's face and sensing that this wasn't exactly going to be a social call. "Kate; it's for you."

"Is it my mother?" she called out from some room that was out of Jim's line of vision.

"No; but I have a feeling it involves her…as usual," he answered.

Jim cut him a sharp look. "Is there something you want to say about my wife, Rick?"

Castle discarded three different answers to that question before giving the simplest answer he could come up with. "No."

"Are you sure about that?" Jim asked; "Because it won't be a problem to handle it while I'm here."

He shook his head. "No; I don't have anything to say."

The older man eyed him. "You might want to tell your face that; it suggests otherwise."

"What makes you say that?"

"I've been a lawyer for a very long time, Rick; I know how to read faces. Now if you have something to say; say it."

Castle carefully chose his words. "It's nothing major…its just that I think she was out of line when she hung up on Kate this morning and then wouldn't answer when she called her back."

"I don't know anything about that," Jim remarked; "But if Johanna hung up on Katie and then refused her call, she had a reason. She doesn't do that sort of thing unless she feels like she's justified."

"Well, Johanna seems like the type of woman who always thinks she's justified no matter the situation."

Jim eyed him. "Well, Rick; why don't you go say that to Johanna's face and see what she feels justified in saying in response to it."

"That's alright; I think I'll pass on that," he replied.

"Pass on what?" Kate asked as she appeared in the room; her work attire discarded in favor of a pair old jeans and a black t-shirt bearing the name of a 90s rock band.

"Nothing," Castle replied as he took a step away from Jim.

"Oh don't hide it, Rick," the older man said; "Tell Katie about how you feel like my wife is wrong when she feels justified about something."

"That's not exactly what I said," Castle remarked; "And I'm just going to end that conversation now because I have a feeling now isn't a good time."

"You're right," Jim stated; "It isn't a good time because I'm here to talk to Katie."

"About what, Dad? What's going on?" she asked.

"Take a seat," he said, nodding to a chair at the dining room table.

"I think I'll stand."

"I said sit," he said firmly; his expression stern and serious, reminding her of her teenage days when she'd push him way too far and there was no digging her way out.

Kate reluctantly sat down and Castle drifted closer to the table; either to comfort her or to get away from her father; she wasn't sure which and she figured it didn't really matter at the moment. "Why are you here, Dad?"

"I'm here because we're going to have a little talk, Katherine."

She cringed at the usage of her given name. "Look, I don't know what Mom told you; but she's the one who hung up on me this morning, not the other way around."

"I don't know anything about this phone call you had this morning," he stated. "She didn't tell me anything about it."

Kate worried her bottom lip for a moment. "Where is Mom?" she asked. "It's dinner time at your house; shouldn't you be there eating dinner before it gets cold?"

"Your mother isn't there."

Her stomach dipped. "What do you mean she isn't there?"

"She ran away from home," he remarked as he pulled the letter from his pocket and held it up.

"What do you mean she ran away from home?!" Kate exclaimed. 'What the hell is she doing? Where did she go?"

"To her brother's house."

"Why would she go there?"

"Because her mother's dead," Jim stated. "If Naomi was alive, she'd be there sleeping in her old room; but Naomi isn't here so she went to her brother's at Valerie's invitation. I wish to God Naomi was alive…she'd be so much better at handling things…she'd know how to get her through this mess better than either one of us is doing."

"Dad; what the hell is going on?" Kate asked sharply.

"You tell me," he said harshly. "What the hell did you say to your mother?"

"When? I don't know what you're talking about."

"I want to know what you said to your mother yesterday when you were at the house."

"I already told you what we talked about."

"I think you left some things out," Jim retorted. "In fact I called and asked you why she suddenly had the idea in her head that we didn't want her here and you kind of brushed that off with the standard, 'you know how she is, I didn't say that' comment."

"I didn't say that to her."

"Then what did you say?"

"Nothing like that!" Kate exclaimed.

"Oh you said something alright; maybe not those exact words but you said something that alluded to them."

"No, I didn't."

"Are you sure about that, Katie?" he asked and he moved closer to the table. "Are you really sure?"

"Yes, I am."

"So you didn't tell your mother that she's not needed?"

"No, I didn't say that," she replied; flicking her hair over her shoulder without thought but the gesture made his brow rise; it was something she had always had a habit of doing when she was stretching the truth.

"Really?" he asked as he unfolded the letter. "Let me read you something and see if it jogs your memory."

"What's that?" she asked.

"It's the letter she left for me," Jim stated; "Now you listen to this part that I found incredibly interesting. "… _Katie enlightened me to the fact that nothing you said was a lie; you don't need me to help you with anything. She told me that neither one of you need me; that my absence forced you both to learn how to do without me and that I have no right to be mad about being reminded of that. She told me that everyone moved on; not that I didn't already know that; but that people moved on enough to have no need of me anymore. I can't say that it doesn't hurt to know that I'm unneeded by the people I love; it does hurt, and when Katie gave me her very blunt speech about how unneeded I am; I started to wonder if I had made things worse by staying once Bracken was arrested; that maybe everyone was happier without me_."

Kate closed her eyes and sucked in a breath as her father's gaze bore into her.

"Well?" Jim asked; "Does anything ring a bell?"

She licked her lips, trying to figure out how to keep this from snowballing. "I, uh, I didn't mean it the way she's implying."

"How many ways can it be taken, Katie? You told her that I don't need her."

"No; you told her that you don't need her," she retorted; "At least that's what she told me."

"No; I told her I didn't need any help in the area of controlling myself around alcohol."

"Yeah; well, she didn't take it that way…as usual; she took it all the way around the bases."

"Yeah; and I have a feeling you helped her make the run," Jim said. "Now I want to know what you said on that topic and I want the truth; I want it word for word, Katie…and keep in mind that I'm in no mood for your lies."

She blew out an annoyed breath. "I told her that you don't need her help in that area…that you don't need her to manage your life and your problems, that I don't need her like I used to; that we know how to take care of ourselves…that everyone, family and friends included learned how to go on without her presence and that she doesn't have a right to be mad about it."

"Did you really think that was wise to say to her?" Jim asked. "Did you think for a minute how much that would stick with her and hurt her?"

Kate met his gaze. "I didn't start it; you did. She was already hurt before I said anything."

"So you knew she was already hurting and thought it would be fun to kick her while she was down?"

"Maybe Kate was just trying to get her to see the truth in those statements," Castle suggested. "It is true that the world Johanna left behind isn't the one she's come back to; you both learned to adjust to a life without her; Kate's an adult now…things are different and maybe Johanna keeps trying to shove everyone back to the way it was and it isn't working and that's what the majority of these problems arise from."

Jim's gaze slid toward him. "Johanna is well aware that things are different now than they were thirteen years ago. She knows we've all changed in some way; just like she's had her own changes…but that doesn't mean she isn't needed; she is…and maybe instead of judging someone you don't really know; you ought to think about how if it wasn't for Johanna nudging Katie along this summer, you two might not be together…she might still be lying to you about her feelings. Why don't you think about that, Rick? Because let me tell you something; Katie sure does need her mother anytime things are sour between the two of you…and I know for a fact that in the midst of the consoling and the nudging; Johanna does a little advocating on your behalf to remind her to look at both sides of the issue. Everyone wants to be needed…especially someone like Johanna who was raised in the belief that family was everything and you do everything you can to take care of them until the day you leave this earth. That's what Naomi taught her; that's how her mother was. Johanna doesn't have many people in her life right now; and the ones she does have, yes, she wants to feel needed by them; because if she's not; then what was the point in surviving and coming home if everyone was better off without her? That's what she's been thinking about ever since Katie laid her little speech on her."

Castle gave a slight acknowledging nod and decided it was best for him to keep his mouth shut. It seemed like Jim wasn't in the mood for a second opinion.

"Dad," Kate said; her tone softer than it had been. "I didn't mean to imply that we didn't want her here…I just told her the truth; we don't need her as much as we used to."

"Speak for yourself!" he yelled. "Who the hell do you think you are, Katie? You have no right to tell my wife what I need or don't need from her! You have no right at all! You might not need her but I sure as hell do and don't you ever let me hear of you telling her otherwise again. We were already having an issue and you have to go and make it worse by telling her that she's unneeded! You know she's sensitive; you know she's been struggling and you just kick her right in her heart. It isn't enough that she already feels like you don't want her around and then you have to go and try to confirm it for both of us."

"I didn't say I don't want her around," she shot back.

"No you don't say it but you make it obvious," he retorted. "You know, I thought things were going to be alright between the two of you; you seemed like you had overcome the obstacles that were between you when this all started back in May…by the time it was all finished and she was allowed to move home, you two seemed as close as you always were…and then suddenly you were shoving her away again…and then pulling her back and then pushing away…like she's some kind of yo-yo you can play with. You only come over when you've got bad news or you feel guilty or feel obligated…and apparently when you feel obligated, you ought to just stay away because then you're telling her how unneeded she is and apparently calling her names. Did you really sit there and call her a coward?"

"Yeah, I did," Kate remarked. "She does act like a coward when she's hiding behind those damn sunglasses."

Jim nodded. "Yeah; she's a real coward…that's why she snuck out of your apartment with a gun and went and lured a Senator into n empty room and pointed that gun at him and made him confess his sins. She went there to end it for you…she went there willing to die for you because she had to end it to save you. You didn't hear the message she left on my phone before she went after him. You didn't read the letter she wrote for me. She did it all for you…she was willing to sacrifice everything for you because she loves you, because she said your life was far more important than her own…and then you sit there and look her in the face and call her a coward! How dare you! Cowards don't survive thirteen years of being hidden. Cowards don't come out of hiding before the danger is removed. Cowards don't take matters into their own hands to save the people they love. Cowards don't stick around and take all the crap that's doled out to them by people who don't want to understand or listen. Cowards don't keep trying. Does she have issues she's working on? Yeah, she does…and she might be a lot of things, but Johanna Elizabeth Beckett isn't a coward and I better never hear you say otherwise again. She's braver than you and I put together and I don't care if you believe that or not."

Kate scoffed. "I'm not the one who hides in the house and then hides behind sunglasses in public."

"No; you just hide in better ways; don't you?" her father retorted. "Because you do hide, Katie…you hide and you lie just like everyone else so don't sit there and think that you're better than the rest of us because you're not…especially when it comes to your mother; because I do think you have this idea lately that you're better than her; well honey you're not."

She gave a slight nod; irritation written on her face. "Are we done now?"

"No were not; since you've both mentioned this phone call you had with your mother this morning that resulted in her hanging up on you; I'd like to know what was said…because I'd like to know if it played into this decision of hers to go stay with Valerie for a night or two."

Kate sighed. "Look, Dad; I'll go talk to Mom; I'll tell her I'm sorry about the misunderstanding that our conversation the other day turned into and I'll bring her home, okay?"

Jim smirked at her. "I'm sensing avoidance of the question."

"I'm not avoiding anything; I'm just offering to go get her for you."

Her father shook his head. "No; I don't think I need anymore of your help with my marriage. I get in enough trouble on my own and then you come along and decide to pick up the shovel and help me dig the hole a little deeper."

"I'm sorry, okay?!" she exclaimed. "I figured the woman who always preached the value of the truth would be able to take hearing it but I guess I was wrong!"

"Remember how much you value the truth the next time she tells you your outfit is ugly," Jim stated. "Now back to my question; what did you say to her today and don't lie to me."

"Fine," Kate said sharply. 'She called me wanting to know if I knew where you were because she woke up alone. I told her you were at work and that neither one of us was happy with her for neglecting to mention her talk with the media. I told her you were giving her a taste of her own medicine by not answering her calls. She said I was Daddy's little tattle tale and I told her all of her problems are of her own making and that I'll tell you anything I think you have a right to know because I'm not going to let her destroy you again and I told her that she needs to know when to stop. Are you happy now, Dad? Now you know what I said."

Jim shook his head; anger coursing through him. "Your mother's right; you do have a big mouth…and you need to take your own advice about learning when to stop. As for keeping her from destroying me…she didn't put the bottle in my hand; that was me. I destroyed me with that behavior; not her. She would've never wanted me to do that and I know that for a fact because we went through briefly once long ago. You don't have the right to go sticking your nose into our marriage; telling my wife that she isn't needed, that she's destructive and makes all the problems. I've got a newsflash for you, Katie; it takes two people to make a relationship and two people to fight and make a mess of things for awhile. You're still your little honeymoon bubble of a new relationship here, but mark my words; you're going to have a big blowup of your own one day…and it's going to be just as much your fault as it is his…you keep that in mind and quit filling your mother's head with insinuations about how I feel about her because you couldn't more wrong. You worry about your own relationship and I'll worry about mine; do you got that?"

"Yeah; I got it," she said; "And since I'm such a problem for both of you; how about you both stay on your side of town and I'll stay on mine?"

"Pushing people away is always your answer, isn't it, Katie? You can dish it out but you can't take it when it comes back at you. When someone calls you out on something you want to turn your back and run, don't you?"

She smirked at him and shrugged. "Well it's what Mom does; so I guess it's like mother, like daughter; isn't it?"

Jim shoved Johanna's letter back into his pocket; his jaw tense as he regarded his daughter. "I'm going to leave now, Katie…because if I don't; I'm going to say things that I don't want to say to you because I'm your father and I love you…and I don't want to hurt you the way you hurt your mother. So I'm going to go…because unlike you, I know when to stop in this case."

"I don't think you're being fair," Castle remarked.

Jim glanced at him. "I don't believe I asked for your opinion, Rick; and just so you know, for the record; I don't think she's very fair at times either…must be a genetic thing. Have a good night, kids; and remember; don't be cowards and don't need anyone unless it's necessary."

"Dad," Kate sighed as she got up from the chair and followed him to the door.

"I'm done, Katie. I'm going home."

She reached out and caught hold of his coat sleeve. "I'm sorry," she told him as he turned to face her.

"I'm sorry too, Katie…not for lecturing you; but for how you feel about everything."

"You don't have to go," she murmured, a feeling of guilt welling up within her. "Stay and have dinner."

Jim shook his head. "Your mother left pasta in the fridge for me."

She scoffed softly as she shook her head. "She would be the only person I know to leave a meal behind when she's running away from home."

"Being angry doesn't mean she doesn't want to take care of me," he remarked.

"You're really going to let her stay at Uncle Frankie's?"

He nodded. "Yeah."

"Why? Why don't you just go get her?"

"Because she thinks it's what's best for us right now."

"That doesn't mean you have to let her do it."

"Yeah I do."

'Why?"

"Because at the moment I don't have a better solution…and she has to know that she still has the right to make some of the choices," Jim remarked. "Our marriage is a partnership; not a dictatorship…sometimes I have my way and sometimes she has hers. I'm not saying I'm happy about it; I'm not. I'm not saying it isn't going to drive me crazy, because it will…but I have to let her do it…at least until I can think up something better."

Kate figured it would be best not to argue the point; she had already been accused of sticking her nose where it didn't belong and she didn't want to hear that lecture again. "I am sorry for whatever role I played in her taking off," she said quietly. "I never thought she'd do this…it seems out of place when I know how badly she wanted to be home."

"But if she thinks she's unwanted or causing me harm; she's going to step back, Katie; you know that as well as I do."

"I'm sorry," she said once more.

Jim nodded and wrapped an arm around her in a brief hug. "Don't do it again."

"I'll do my best…are you sure you don't want to stay for awhile?"

"I'm sure," he said as he resumed his trek to the door. "I'm going home and text your uncle to make sure she's okay."

"Be careful."

"I always am," he replied.

"Dad…"

"What?"

"I love you," Kate told him; a part of her still feeling like a teenager who had been taken to task and was now desperate to get back in her parent's good graces.

"I love you too, Katie…maybe you can think about telling your mother that you love her once in awhile…maybe she wouldn't try so hard with you if she felt sure that she had your love."

"I'll try to do better," she murmured as he opened the door.

"Yeah; I guess that's something we're all going to have to do in one way or another," he stated while stepping into the hallway. "Goodnight, Katie."

* * *

When Jim got home, he stood in the silence of the living room for a long minute before pulling his phone from his pocket and dialing his best friend's number.

"What's going on?" Jeff asked when he answered.

"My wife ran away from home," he stated.

"What?"

"You heard me."

"Where did she go? Do we need to go get her?"

"No; she's staying with her brother and sister-in-law…and I reluctantly agreed that it was okay for her to do that."

"Well if she's with her brother and sister-in-law, you know she's safe," Jeff replied. "What made her go there?"

"A lot of things I guess…and Katie's got her hand in it too; I just got done dragging some truth out of her."

"Meaning what exactly? She encouraged Jo to take a time out or her attitude is part of the reason she went along with yours."

"She put some stupid things in Johanna's head which Jo detailed in the note she left me telling me that she wouldn't be here tonight. I don't know what the hell Katie was thinking but all she accomplished was helping to make things worse."

"Women," Jeff muttered. "Do you want me to come over?" he offered.

Jim rubbed the back of his neck. "Yeah…we need to complain about wives…and kids."

Jeff chuckled. "Order a pizza, find a ballgame on TV and I'll be there in a few minutes."

"Sounds good," he replied before saying goodbye and ending the call. He blew out a breath as he looked around the quiet living room and then grabbed the remote for the coffee table to turn on the television to ward off the silence. It was going to be a long night.

* * *

A knock sounded on the guest room door later that night as Johanna settled into bed with her book. "Come in," she called out, figuring it was most likely Valerie coming to see if she had everything she needed.

Frankie stepped inside the room and pushed the door halfway closed, shoving his hands into his pockets as he regarded his sister. "Are you okay?" he asked.

She managed a small smile for her brother. "Yeah; I'm okay."

"Are you sure about that?"

She sighed softly. "I'm as okay as I can be, all things considered. It feels strange to be away from home…strange to be away from Jim but it feels like it's the best thing to do at the moment. It just kind of brings back bad memories in little ways."

Frankie moved further into the room and sat down on the side of the bed. "Don't worry; you're safe here…I'd never let anyone hurt you, Jo."

"I know that," she assured. "I made it a point to tell Jim that as well."

"He sent me a text earlier to make sure you were really here…I sent him a picture of you and Valerie so he'd know I wasn't lying."

"I appreciate that…he worries."

"I know…but…"

"But what?" she asked.

Frankie ran his fingers through his hair; his gaze shifting to the pattern of the wallpaper. "I know you two are having an argument right now but…is this like a normal kind of fight that springs up between married couples from time to time or are things not good at home like you've been saying they are?"

"It's nothing like that, Frankie…I told you what this argument is about."

"I know; but I want to know things haven't been bad this whole time. He's been treating you alright, hasn't he?"

"Yes, of course," she replied honestly; not taking offense to his questions, although they surprised and touched her. She wasn't always sure what to make of this side of her brother that he now showed her so freely but it was nice; it made her feel safe; it gave her the feeling of home; the home she had grown up in.

"You're sure?"

"Yes; Jim's been nothing but good to me; things have been fine between us; you've been around us both at the same time…did it seem bad?"

"No; but sometimes looks can be deceiving…I just wanted to be sure this wasn't an ongoing issue."

"It isn't," Johanna told him. "It's just a little roadblock at the moment. I don't want it to get any worse that's why I took Valerie's offer."

Her brother nodded. "I understand that; sometimes space does help."

"I'm hoping it helps this time…I don't know what to do if it doesn't."

Frankie met her gaze. "Do you want me to go have a talk with him? I'm sure I can straighten him out."

She smiled. "No, not at the moment; but I do appreciate the offer."

"If you change your mind…"

"I'll let you know," she replied. "Thank you for letting me stay here while I try to get this sorted out."

"It's not a problem," Frankie stated. "You can always come here, Johanna; this is your safe place…you're always welcome here, no matter the reason. You'll always have a home with us whenever you need it."

"Thank you," she murmured. "That means a lot to me."

He patted her hand in a brotherly show of affection. "I'm sure you and Jim will work things out."

"I hope so."

"You will…like I said; I can always have a word with him if need be."

"I'll let you know," she said with a soft laugh. "If he continues to be so stubborn, I'll take you up on it."

"Just say the word," he said as he rose from his perch. "Do you have everything you need?"

"Yes; I'm fine."

"There are extra blankets in the closet there," Frankie told her, waving his hand at the door. "I know you always get cold easily."

"That's true...I'll probably get one before the night is out."

Frankie took it upon himself to move to the closet and get an extra blanket for her which he carried back to the bed and spread it out over her. "I don't want Mom haunting me tonight for not making sure you're comfortable," he told her as he caught her amused look.

Johanna laughed. "No, we wouldn't want that."

"Do you need anything else?"

"No; I'm fine; thank you."

Her brother nodded. "Goodnight, Jo; if you need anything, let us know."

"I will, goodnight, Frankie."

Frankie left the room, pulling the door shut behind him and Johanna picked up her book once more but she had a feeling she wouldn't be able to focus much on the words; her mind was too full; the nighttime bringing a longing for her husband even though she felt like she was doing the right thing. But doing the right thing meant she'd be lonely tonight; her hand reaching in the darkness for him only to find empty space. It would bring up bad memories…but she'd have to wade through them and stick to her plan; it would be for the best. A little space would do them good…it would hurt and be lonely for a little while; but if it meant it would end the discord, she could bear it for a little while…at least she hoped so.

* * *

Jim laid in bed that night, trying to will himself to sleep as the television played in the background. It was Johanna's habit, one he himself had taken up at times when she had been away and when she had been living with Kate. He released a weighted breath and glanced at the clock; 12:34 and there was no sign of sleep in sight. His bed was too empty without Johanna next to him and that empty space made him ache with memories he'd rather forget…and it made him angry with her for choosing to leave for awhile even though he understood her reasons now that he had taken some time to think it over.

But understanding didn't keep him from longing for her…it didn't keep him from wanting to get in the car and drive over to Frankie's and force her to come home with him. He couldn't do that though…at least she was somewhere safe; that was what mattered most. He just hoped that she wouldn't be mad if Frankie told her that he had texted him to make sure she was there…but he had to be sure that she wasn't in some hotel room somewhere; he wouldn't feel like she was safe there. Frankie had sent a picture though confirming that she was there and it made him feel more settled about it.

But still; she needed to come home...preferably now.

Jim drummed his fingers on the remote; how could he get her to come home tonight? He couldn't demand…he had already tried that and clearly it had failed. He couldn't ask because she'd list her reasons again. He needed an excuse…and one slowly formed in his mind. What if he called her and told her that her absence was tempting him to backslide into old habits? She'd come running home then…but as soon as the notion crossed his mind, he dismissed it and chastened himself for even thinking it. He couldn't lie to her about being tempted to drink; he wasn't tempted, not in any way; and to say he was and use her absence as an excuse to lie and say he was would only add to the guilt she already carried. That topic was why they were in this mess and he couldn't use her vulnerability about it to blackmail or manipulate her. That would be wrong and it wouldn't be fair to either one of them. He was just going to have to let her stay at her chosen location for the night…but that didn't mean he couldn't check in on her, he reasoned as he reached for his phone.

" _Are you awake?"_ he typed and then hit send.

Johanna had been lying in the dark, playing a game on her phone when Jim's message came in. A small knot formed in her stomach as she wondered if he was texting to continue their argument. _"I'm awake,"_ she replied. _"Are you okay?"_

Jim blew out a soft breath as he read her reply. _"Come home."_

" _Is something wrong?"_ Johanna asked; the knot in her stomach growing tighter.

" _Yeah; you're not here,"_ he answered.

She breathed a soft sigh of relief. _"It's not because I don't want to be…I do want to be there."_

" _Then I'll come and get you."_

" _Not tonight."_

" _Why not?"_ Jim typed back; frowning at the screen.

" _You know why not, Jim. You know why I'm doing this."_

" _That doesn't mean I have to like it."_

" _If it makes you feel any better; I don't like it either…but I don't want things to get worse between us."_

" _Do you feel like it's really that bad at the moment that this is necessary?"_

Johanna bit into her lip. _"Yes…if I didn't, I wouldn't have given a single thought to Valerie's suggestion. I don't like being away from you; but I know in the past space has been good for us when we have an issue that we can't seem to resolve quickly."_

" _I don't like it."_

" _I know; neither do I…but I'm just trying to help us get to the point where we can get past this."_

" _I know,"_ he answered. _"Why aren't you asleep?"_

" _Because I miss you,"_ Johanna replied honestly.

" _I miss you too."_

" _Do you?"_

" _Yes; I always miss you when we're apart."_

" _Me too."_

Jim sighed in the darkness and tapped out a question he needed an answer to in light of the things Kate had been helping to put into her head. _"You do know that I love you, right? That arguments and getting mad at each other never changes that. You know I love you?"_

" _I know; I love you too…no matter what."_

He didn't want to end the conversation but he didn't want to get into anything that would lead them back to the reason for their fight at the moment. They needed a break from that. _"Since we're both awake, maybe we could just ignore the bad stuff right now and just talk about mundane things until one of us falls asleep."_

A small hopeful smile touched Johanna's lips as she read his message. _"Sounds good to me,"_ she replied; the thought in mind that maybe this had been the right choice to make…having a little space already seemed to be calming him down…she just had to hope that feeling lasted through the night.

… _to be continued_


	23. Chapter 23

_Author's Note: Thanks for your reviews! Sorry for the delay with this one, the holiday season steals a lot of time away from writing and January has had its moments as well._

Chapter 23- Heart of Stone- Part 2

" _We turn the wheel and break the chain, put steel to steel and laugh at pain"- Cher_

"Did you sleep alright?" Valerie asked Johanna the next morning as they settled down to breakfast.

Johanna smiled. "Yes, I did," she replied while spreading jelly across her toast. It wasn't really a lie; the few hours sleep she had been able to catch after Jim had fallen asleep while texting her had been restful which had come as a surprise to her. She chalked it up to exhaustion; the stress of the last several days and the migraine she had suffered from two nights before. She probably would've slept longer but Jim had texted her as soon as he had gotten up for work and woke her. She didn't mind; she didn't want to miss a single message; wanted to show him that she was trustworthy, that she was keeping her word as promised. They hadn't talked about anything serious; nothing had been solved and she couldn't help but feel like she had been right in choosing this course of action. If Jim had been settled enough to carry on conversations about nothing in particular half the night then it meant that the space between them had already started to cool him off. That had to be a good sign.

"Breakfast seems to be a feast this morning, girls," Frankie said as he entered the dining room with the plate he had filled in the kitchen where the food had been left warming for him. "I wasn't sure what to choose from."

"Looks like you chose a little bit of everything," Valerie remarked as she eyed his plate and saw that it was piled with pancakes, scrambled eggs, sausage and bacon and a slice of toast.

"Well if you're going to go through all the trouble, I figure I may as well look at it as an all you can eat buffet," he remarked.

"I only went through half the trouble; Jo made the pancakes, sausage and coffee."

Frankie raised his coffee cup in his sister's direction. "Mom raised you right."

She laughed. "At least in the kitchen," she quipped. "It's good to see that your eating habits haven't changed. Mom always said that you can't trust a man who can't eat a big meal."

Her brother nodded. "I remember her saying that…I guess you both know you can trust me."

"Absolutely," Valerie said after swallowing a bite of her eggs. "No one would ever deny that."

"How are you feeling, Jo?" Frankie asked.

"I'm fine," she answered as she cut her pancake. "I do appreciate you letting me stay while I work out this issue with Jim."

"It's no problem," he replied. "I told you that last night; you can come whenever you need to. What about the migraine; is that all cleared up now?"

"Yes; thankfully. All the after effects are gone and I feel like myself again."

"Good," he replied. "I thought that maybe they'd go away now that you're older…no offense," he hurriedly added.

"None taken," she laughed; "I am older now…and I take comfort in the fact that you're still older than me."

"Ha ha," he said as he tossed a smirk in her direction but there was a glint of brotherly amusement in his eyes. 'You just had to say it didn't you?"

"Of course," Johanna said while scooping up a bite of eggs; "But I wish the migraines had gone away with age but unfortunately they seem to be mine to keep."

"Hopefully once this stress you're forced to deal with is gone, they'll occur less often," Valerie commented.

"That would be nice; I sure don't miss them when they're gone."

"What do you girls have planned for today?" Frankie asked as he picked up a forkful of eggs.

"Oh I figured we'd go do a little shopping," Valerie said; "I'm sure Jo could use some retail therapy and I'm always game for that as well."

"That's the truth," Frankie said.

"And then I figured if Jo's up for it; maybe we can go get our nails done and I wouldn't mind getting my hair trimmed a little bit," her sister-in-law said.

Johanna smiled. "I don't mind that at all; it's been a long time since someone other than me did my nails; I'm long overdue."

"Then we're definitely hitting the salon. After that we'll probably be ready for lunch; anywhere in particular you'd like to go for lunch?"

"I'd love to go to Vinaigrette," she said; "I've always loved the salads there so much and of course they have plenty of things to go with them, but my favorites have always been those salads and homemade dressings."

"Then we'll go there," Valerie replied. "I like it there too; and you're right, the dressings are amazing."

"Must be a woman's restaurant," Frankie said as he ate; "The only way I want a salad is if it comes with a side of steak and baked potatoes."

"That's why we're not taking you with us," Valerie quipped. "You can just go to work and suffer."

"I'm devastated," he replied.

Valerie shook her head at him and gave her attention back to Johanna. "What should we do after lunch?"

She shrugged. "I don't know…we'll play it by ear; I'm sure we'll find something."

A distant knock sounded on the door before the conversation could continue and Frankie rose from his seat to go answer it.

"I wonder who that could be," Valerie said while she reached for her cup of coffee.

"Maybe one of the kids?" Johanna suggested.

Her sister-in-law shook her head. "Greg will be heading to the office and Claire worked nightshift so she's probably crawling into bed as we speak…and my wayward son Trevor is on a plane somewhere heading toward Los Angeles."

Johanna smiled. "Is he ever going to come home so I can see him?"

"He claims he'll be home for a few days after Thanksgiving and that you get the hug after mine."

She laughed. "I'm glad I made the list."

"Of course you did; he loves you; so does Claire."

Frankie reappeared in the doorway of the room, his expression unreadable. "Jo, it's for you," he said.

Johanna glanced up from her own cup of coffee, expecting to see Jim standing behind her brother but instead she found her daughter…and she couldn't catch herself in time to stop the sigh of disgruntlement from crossing her lips as she looked away.

"It's nice to see you too, Mother," Kate remarked as Frankie retook his seat.

"What are you doing here?" Johanna asked; her tone cool as she set her cup down and picked up her fork.

"I should think it's obvious."

"Not really," she remarked. "Shouldn't you be on your way to work?"

"I'll get there," Kate replied.

"Sit down, Katie," Valerie told her. "Would you like some breakfast?"

"No thank you; I already ate," she replied as she pulled out a chair across the table from her mother and sat down.

"Let's get on with this," Johanna stated as she pinned her daughter with her gaze. "Why are you here?"

Kate held her stare. "Don't you think this is a little much?"

Johanna flippantly looked down at her plate. "No; I don't think it's too much; it's not much more than I normally eat but I'm hungry this morning. I haven't eaten much the last few days."

Her daughter rolled her eyes. "Don't play games; you know that's not what I meant."

"Then perhaps you should spell it out; you know, nice and slowly for those you deem beneath you to understand," Johanna said coolly.

"I never said you were beneath me."

"No; you're just good at acting like it," she replied as she lifted the fork full of scrambled eggs to her lips.

"That's a lie," Kate stated.

"Well come on, get on with it," Johanna goaded. "I haven't got all day and neither do you."

"Are you enjoying yourself?" her daughter asked with a smirk.

"I was having a very enjoyable breakfast until about two minutes ago if you really want to know. Now what do you want? Is something wrong?"

"No; not unless you count your little 'running away from home' stunt you have going on here," Kate shot back. "Really, Mom; don't you think it's a little much…even for you?"

Johanna kept her back straight and her body at ease as she regarded her opponent. "I'm not running away from home."

"Then what do you call it?"

"I call it visiting my family," she replied.

"And you have to spend the night to do that?"

"I was invited," Johanna remarked; "And seeing as how my husband and I could use some space, I accepted the invitation."

"Of course you did," Kate said; "But it isn't solving anything; now is it? It's just made Dad even more upset than he was."

"What makes you so sure?"

"Because he came to Castle's last night to yell at me about it; he seems to think it's partly my fault because of your little letter you left him; and let's get something straight; I didn't say you were unneeded."

"Yes, you did," Johanna replied without hesitation. "I remember it very clearly; in fact it's burned into my brain. You said no one needed me, that people learned to live without me and had moved on and I had no right to be angry about that…which just for the record; I never said I was angry about anything like that. I said that I was hurt by my husband saying he didn't need my help with anything."

"I didn't mean it the way you took it and you know it," her daughter said tartly.

Her brow arched. "No; I'm afraid I don't."

"No offense, Katie," Valerie spoke up; "But there aren't many ways for a statement like that to be taken. If you say someone is unneeded…how are they supposed to feel?"

"I didn't mean it the way she wants to imply to everyone. I only meant that things are different now and that she's not needed in the ways she used to be; people don't need her to be their caretaker; they take care of themselves now."

Her aunt cut her a sharp look. "That's not exactly a nice sentiment to convey either. A woman is always the caretaker of her family; the role does change over time, but she is always needed and always wants to be needed…and being told that she's not needed is a hurtful thing for any woman to bear. If my daughter said that to me…" she said with a shake of her head; "Well, let's just say that she wouldn't like what she heard in response."

Kate shook her head. "I don't know what she's told you but she has a tendency to be dramatic. It isn't the way you all want to make it out to be."

Valerie's gaze remained sharp. "Look, honey; I've known your mother for longer than you've been alive. She was about nineteen years old and in college when I met her; I've been there for more things in her life than you can even imagine. Don't you act like I don't know her; I know her as well as I know my biological sister…probably better; God knows I've spent more time with Johanna over the years than I have with Pamela. She told me what was said and I don't blame her a bit for taking it the way she did."

Kate tried to subtly roll her eyes but failed; her mother's gaze catching the look and pouncing on it within a millisecond. "Don't you dare sit there and roll your eyes at her," Johanna said sternly. "That's your aunt and you treat her with respect or I'll come around this table, Katherine; and I don't give a damn how old you are or who you think you are because you've got a badge pinned to you."

Kate glanced at her aunt. "I apologize, Aunt Valerie."

"Mhmm," her aunt murmured as she glanced across the table and shared a look with her sister-in-law; one that seemed to imply sympathy for the suffering that motherhood sometimes brought them.

Kate shifted her attention back to her mother; aggravated with her behavior; still a bit irritated about the lecture she had received at the hands of her father…which was also her mother's fault. She didn't know if her mother was going through some phase where she relived being a rebellious teenager or what her issue was but it was time it settled down.

"I just can't believe that you'd just up and leave, just leaving a note behind for Dad," she said; "I can't believe you'd go that route, especially with everything that's happened; the bad memories it would bring back for him. Did you think about that at all or are you too busy thinking about yourself? How long is this going to last? Are you waiting for everyone to beg for forgiveness? Because I have to tell you; I don't think it's going to happen; no one's done anything to you."

"No, I'm not waiting on apologies," Johanna remarked as she continued to eat her breakfast, knowing her calm, unbothered demeanor would irritate her daughter more than anything else. "It's a matter of opinion about things being done to me though but I don't expect you to understand that…to do so, you'd have to stop thinking about _your_ self."

Kate's jaw tightened. "How long is this going to last?"

Johanna met her gaze. "I'm staying here tonight."

"Why? So Dad can stew some more? You're being ridiculous and you're only making things worse," her daughter told her. "I think we already had that discussion."

"We did," she said casually as she pushed a piece of pancake into a small pool of syrup on her plate. "And clearly I didn't agree with you; nor do I need permission from you to leave my house and spend time with my family. I know family isn't a big thing to you; for you it's easily disregarded when you don't have a specific need for them, but for me it's different. I have a current situation that requires some space to be resolved; my family issued an invitation and I accepted it. I don't need your blessing…I also don't need your marital advice…seeing as how you've never been married and have nothing to offer in that department. Hmm…it's kind of like you're not needed much either, isn't it? Funny how that happens…it's almost like the universe nipping you in the ass."

Kate's eyes narrowed at her mother. "I've been in relationships, Mother. I'm in a relationship now."

"Yes; but how many of your relationships have ended in marriage?" Johanna asked.

Her daughter said nothing, her gaze blazing as it remained pinned on her.

"Well?" Johanna said; "How many marriages do you have under your belt?"

"None," Kate said with a clipped tone. "I have none."

Her mother nodded. "That's right; you have none and I have one…that's survived thirty-five years. I think my batting average is better than yours, honey."

Kate licked her lips trying to swallow the words that formed on her tongue but they slipped out anyway. "Yeah well don't forget that you spent 13 of those 35 years living somewhere else while we mourned over an empty grave."

"Trust me, Katie; I'm in no danger of forgetting; I couldn't if I wanted to…no one will allow me to forget."

"Why don't you just go get your stuff and I'll take you home where you belong," her daughter said sharply.

"No; I have plans with Valerie and I'm staying here tonight as I planned."

"Regardless of how Dad feels about it?"

"Your father is fine, Katie; we talked about it; I asked him to trust me and he gave me two nights. That's our agreement, two nights of space and then I go home and we work through this. We texted each other until he fell asleep; we didn't discuss anything serious but the fact that he was open to carrying on a conversation for that long goes to show that I was correct in knowing that space would help him cool off faster. I know your father better than you do; I know how our relationship works, what gets results and the measures we have to take at times to solve a stalemate. I know what I'm doing and so does he. I don't need you policing me about something that isn't your business. I'll handle my marriage and you can tend to your relationship. You don't see me butting into your relationship unless you specifically ask me and I'd appreciate that same courtesy."

"When you start acting the way you're supposed to, I will stay out of it," Kate retorted. "You need to go home where you belong, tell Dad you're sorry and get over all of this. It's getting old."

"Okay; I've kept my mouth shut long enough," Frankie said before Johanna could form a sentence; his brown eyes sharp and focused on his niece. "Let me tell you something, Katie; you don't come into my house and order your mother about like she's some child who's incapable of making her own decisions. You don't have a right to do that in anyone's home. She's a grown woman with more years and wisdom than you have at the moment and she can do what she damn well pleases. I don't know who you think you are but if you were my kid, I'd be kicking your ass up and down the street out there to adjust your attitude for you. There were only two people who ever told her what to do and that was Frank and Naomi McKenzie…and being that they're dead, clearly you're not them…and even they weren't obeyed all the time. The woman sitting across the table from you is your mother; not your disobedient child, not a disobedient pet, not one of your criminals. If your father has something to say to her, he knows how to get a hold of her; he doesn't need you advocating on his behalf. Jim Beckett has never had any problem telling anyone what he thinks and I highly doubt that's changed; so I suggest you tone down your attitude and stay out of this. They know what they're doing; they handled their relationship just fine for a very long time without any input from you."

"Fine," Kate said as she rose from the table; her gaze on her mother. "When this blows up in your face; don't think you're moving back in with me because you're not."

"I wouldn't dream of it," Johanna replied.

"If my sister is ever in need of a place to live," Frankie stated; "she'll come and live with us. She will always have a home with us; so you stick that in your badge, little miss and take yourself on out the door to work."

"Have a nice day, Katie," Johanna called after her.

"Feel free to come back when you're in a better mood," Valerie added. "We still love you even if you do have a bit of a sour disposition today that's reminiscent of your Aunt Colleen."

"I knew she was reminding me of someone," Frankie remarked.

"You all have your fun," Kate stated. "I'm leaving. If anyone needs me, they know where to find me."

"Be careful, Katie," Johanna said as she picked up her coffee cup; not feeling an ounce of regret for rebuking her daughter at every turn in the conversation.

"Yeah; you too with whatever your plans for the day are."

"Don't worry; if I end up on the news, I'll make sure to tell them not to blame you; that you're just as disgusted with me as everyone else…and that for one brief shining moment since all of this has gone down, I decided that for a day, I just wouldn't give a damn what anyone thought of me," Johanna declared.

"Whatever, Mom; do what you have to do," Kate said before she disappeared from view; the door slamming shut a few moments later.

Johanna glanced at her brother and sister-in-law and shrugged. "Kids."

Valerie laughed softly. "They can be a pain in the ass…no one warned us about that."

"That's for sure," she replied.

"I hope I didn't overstep my bounds by stepping in, Jo," Frankie stated. "I just couldn't take it anymore."

His sister shook her head. "No; it was better that you stepped in; if you hadn't she'd stay here and argue and Valerie and I don't have time for that. We have plans and I fully intend to enjoy them."

"Good for you," Frankie told her. "You two go have some fun; try not to worry too much and if anything feels off or you need anything, call; Greg and I will come to the rescue."

"Sounds like a good plan," Johanna said; "Are you still game, Val?"

"Absolutely; I can't wait."

"Me neither," she replied; a strange sense of freedom washing over her, a feeling of a small weight lifting from her chest. She wasn't sure the feeling would last long but she was going to embrace it.

* * *

A little while later, Johanna sat down on the edge of the bed and pulled her boots on and then picked up her phone and stared at the screen for a long moment. Her point in being away from home was to cool Jim off…but she also had a side campaign about trust…and despite their issues at the moment, she desperately wanted to show her husband that he could indeed trust her. With that thought in mind, she touched the screen and dialed his number.

"Hello," Jim said, his voice carefully composed.

"Are you at work yet?" she asked.

"Yeah; I got here early."

"How come?"

"It doesn't take long to eat a piece of toast," Jim replied.

Johanna caught his subtle dig; his wife hadn't been home to make him a proper breakfast and give him an excuse to linger. The fact that he had only eaten toast was clearly meant to cause her guilt but she didn't rise to the bait. "Do you have a minute?"

"Yeah; what did you have for breakfast?"

Puzzlement furrowed her brow. "Why?"

"I just want to make sure you're eating."

"Or if I had a better breakfast than you?"

"It's one of those two birds with one stone kind of things," Jim remarked.

"If you must know, I had a pancake, scrambled eggs, a piece of sausage and a cup of coffee to warm me up."

"I knew I should've stopped there," he muttered.

She smiled, a soft huff of a laugh slipping past her lips. "If you had done that you would've ran into Katie."

"Katie?" he repeated. "Why was she there?"

"To lecture, demand, and annoy me," Johanna answered.

"Her three favorite things," he quipped.

"Yeah," she said with a laugh. "She's reminding me more of your mother every day."

"That's not a pleasant thought."

"Especially for me," she replied. "The next thing I know, she'll be inviting me over for a pecan laced dinner."

Jim laughed quietly. "That'll be the day she better get the hell out of Dodge because I'll make sure she regrets it."

"You might have to take a number on that," she said lightly.

He breathed deeply. "I miss you."

"I miss you too…but I'll be home sometime tomorrow."

"You're not coming home tonight?"

"You said I could have two nights…I'm going to stay tonight, not to be cruel; just to make sure we've had enough space to ease things. You said you trust me."

"I do," he replied. "But remember the deal; you're back home tomorrow…but I'd prefer tonight…can't you just think about it?"

"I'll think about it but I don't want you to get mad if I decide to stick to the original deal and stay here."

He was quiet for a second, a breath of resignation sounding across the line. "I won't like it but I won't get mad…we made a deal and I'll honor it; but it expires after tonight; you remember that."

"I promise."

"What did Katie lecture about?" Jim asked.

"Nothing worth mentioning."

"Tell me anyway."

Johanna summarized the visit from Kate and couldn't help but smile at the sound of her husband's sigh of disgruntlement. "You're right, she does have a big mouth," Jim remarked.

"Apparently you went to her boyfriend's house and yelled at her last night," Johanna replied. "At least that's what I was told."

"I wouldn't call it yelling…I'd call it a bit of tough love for a daughter who twists things to suit her."

"Well you should've known I was going to get the blame for it; even if she didn't exactly say it…the sentiment was there."

"I'm sorry," he told her; "I didn't think about that; I was just mad at her and wanted her to know it. I didn't have anything to do with her coming over there this morning, Jo. I didn't put her up to it, I swear."

"I never thought for a minute that you did."

"When you mentioned it; I thought maybe that was why you were calling," Jim responded.

"No; I was calling to tell you that Valerie and I are going out for awhile."

"Where?" he asked before he could stop himself.

"We're going to go out to some of the stores, go get our nails done, lunch; the usual girl things," Johanna replied. "I just wanted you to know."

Jim forced himself to ignore the small knot that was ready to form in his stomach. "Do you have what you need…in case of emergency?" he asked; not wanting to come right out and ask if she had the gun in her purse.

"Yes; I have what I need in my purse, I didn't leave home without it; I never do."

"Good…you'll leave your phone on?"

"Yes; I always leave it on when I'm out; I only ever turned it off at home but I promise it's going to be on at all times."

He was quiet for a second, telling himself that she would be fine, she wouldn't be alone…she was following the guidelines they had set for when she was venturing out without him. He figured he'd always have these moments of fear about her being out on her own for the rest of his life…but he couldn't keep her locked in the house; no matter how much he'd like to at times. "Alright," he said finally. "Be careful."

"I will; I promise."

"Have fun…maybe you could check in every so often…if you want," he suggested.

She smiled a little; an unexpected sting of tears coming to her eyes. "I'll check in throughout the day; I'll send a text so I don't interrupt anything important; and I'll let you know when we're back here too."

"I appreciate that," Jim said; a note of heaviness filling the line between them as they tiptoed around the issues of their argument.

"I love you," Johanna murmured.

"I love you too…I'll talk to you later."

"Talk to you later," she replied before ending the call and closing her eyes for a moment. It was always hard when they were working through something…she hated when they were off balance but she kept telling herself that they'd get through it like always and she slipped her phone into her purse and picked up her coat…she had kept Valerie waiting long enough. Everything would be fine.

* * *

"Where are we going?" Johanna asked as the busy streets of the city began to fade behind Valerie's car after they had spent the biggest part of the morning browsing in their favorite stores.

"To get our nails done," Valerie answered.

A small hint of worry began to nag at her. "Then why does it seem like we're leaving the city?"

"Because we are," her sister-in-law answered. "My salon is in New Jersey."

"No!"

"Yes," Valerie smiled.

"No!" she exclaimed. "I can't leave the city! Jim's tracking me, if he sees I'm headed away from the city and across the state line, he'll have a heart attack! And if he survives it, he'll hunt me down and it won't be pretty. Please turn around and let's find another salon."

"No; we're going to my favorite salon," Valerie replied; "You and Jim both need to see that you're fine traveling within a one hour travel distance; and really it isn't even an hour; it's about forty-five minutes. You'll be fine, you're with me. Call Jim and tell him where we're going; put him on speaker and I'll make sure he knows it wasn't your idea."

"Oh God," Johanna muttered as she pulled her phone from her purse; maybe this day out hadn't been a good idea after all.

"Relax," Valerie instructed.

"Easy for you to say," she replied as she dialed Jim's number and put the phone on speaker.

The line clicked after two rings; Jim's voice floating across the line. "Hello."

"You're not going to like this," Johanna stated; figuring it would be best to skip the small talk and the sweet talk.

"Oh God," her husband muttered. "How much did it cost and how good are you going to look in it?"

"It's nothing like that."

"Then what is it?"

"Valerie and I decided to get our nails done," she began.

"Is that all?" her husband said in relief; his tone lightning. "That shouldn't bankrupt us; go ahead, get your nails done, you deserve little luxuries."

"I appreciate that but I wasn't exactly calling for permission," Johanna replied. "I was calling to tell you that we're getting them done in New Jersey…"

"No," her husband stated; "No; there is absolutely no reason for you to go to New Jersey! What are you thinking?!"

"It wasn't my idea," she hurriedly exclaimed. "I didn't know we were going to New Jersey until the city was fading behind me."

"You're not going to New Jersey!"

"Oh yes she is," Valerie declared; "That's where my favorite salon is and that's where we're going. Don't be mad at her for it, Jim; I didn't tell her until now but don't worry; she'll be fine, she's with me. We're just going to get our nails done, maybe look in a few stores and be back in the city for a late lunch. It's going to be fine; she'll back in one piece with freshly polished nails."

"There are hundreds of salons in this city, Valerie," Jim said, doing his best to keep his tone even and void of anger.

"Yes I know; and none of them have the calming atmosphere of this place in New Jersey…it's also cheaper. We're not even going to be a full hour away. She's going to be fine; I won't let her out of my sight for a second."

"I don't like it," he admitted. "I don't like it at all."

"I'll be okay," Johanna said despite the sudden queasy feeling in her stomach.

"You don't sound too sure about that; I hear it in your voice," Jim stated.

"She's just afraid that you're going to be mad at her for going with me, Jim," Valerie declared; "But you're not going to be mad at her, are you?"

Jim was quiet for a minute as he counted to ten in his head, imagining his wife squirming in her seat as he did so. "No; I'm not going to be mad," he finally said; "I don't like it but I won't be mad."

"Good; see, Jo; I told you it would be okay," her sister-in-law declared.

"I'm sorry, Jim," Johanna said anyway.

"It's alright; I can tell it wasn't your idea…just be careful…and let me know you're okay."

"I will," she promised.

"Are you coming home tonight?"

"I told you I was sticking to our deal."

"You said you'd think about it," he reminded her.

"I know…"

"We need her to stay one more night, Jim," Valerie remarked.

"Why?"

"Because I planned a special dinner for Jo tonight and I don't want her to be rushed through it."

"A dinner?" Johanna asked.

"Yes," Valerie said with a smile; her eyes remaining on the road. "I'm going to make a nice dinner and Greg and Kelly and Ally are coming over to join us and Claire is off tonight so she's coming to see you too. Jim you're more than welcome to come over for dinner but we would like for Jo to stay with us tonight so she can visit as long as she likes with her nephew and nieces without worrying about getting home before it gets too late. I know it sounds bad, like I'm trying to keep your wife from you but we love her too and the kids want to spend some time with their aunt so I seized the opportunity to throw something together."

Jim drew in a breath and exhaled it slowly. "No; I understand; I think it's nice that you want to give her a nice evening with family," he replied although he hated the thought of her not coming home. "I think it'll be good for her."

"Are you going to come over?" Johanna asked; a touch of hopefulness in her voice.

"I don't know," he answered; "I might just let you have this one on your own…don't take it as me being mad because I'm not; I just want you to have some time with your family."

"Our family," she corrected.

"Our family," Jim said; "But still; there will be plenty of other dinners where we can all be together; I can give you a night to be with the rest of your family."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah; I'm sure…you need these moments."

"You could still come over," Johanna prodded; thinking to herself that if he did then she'd cut her visit short and go on home with him as it would indicate that they were indeed getting past their issues.

"I'll think about it. I don't mean to rush you off the phone but I have to take a deposition in about ten minutes so I better go. Be careful; let me know how you are and when you get back to the city."

"I will," she promised. "I love you."

"I love you too; I'll talk to you later."

Johanna wished him luck with his deposition and then said goodbye before ending the call. She put her phone back inside her purse and sank back against the seat.

"You okay?" Valerie asked.

"Yeah…I just get antsy about crossing state lines without my husband for obvious reasons."

"I figured you probably did," her sister-in-law answered honestly; "That's why it's important that you do it once in awhile so you know you can and that you'll make it back just fine. I'm with you; I'm not leaving New Jersey without you so just relax; it's our girls day, troubles don't exist."

She managed a smile. "I know; I'm sorry."

"No need to be sorry; I get it…I just want to help you get through whatever issues I can," Valerie told her. "It also helps your husband in the long run; whether he believes it or not."

"Sometimes it takes a short while for his beliefs to catch up with him," she remarked, lightness returning to her tone before she turned serious once more. "I guess we're both still struggling with the issue of independence. He's afraid to let me go…and I'm afraid to go…and we both know it's ridiculous but we just can't seem to help it too much. Jim's alright with me going places but there's conditions on it. I like going places but I'm not crazy about going by myself anymore and I know there's times when I don't have a choice…"

Valerie nodded. "I know what you're saying; and I really think if you keep pushing through it, then Jim won't have any choice but to push through his issues too and before you know it, you'll both be feeling a lot better."

"I'm looking forward to that day," Johanna admitted as she allowed her gaze to stray to the window. "I'm looking forward to a lot of things."

* * *

"Are you ready for to get our nails done?" Valerie asked as she pulled into a parking space near the salon she favored.

"I'm ready," Johanna said but she made no move to take off her seatbelt. "I just hope my husband really is fine and isn't having a stroke because I've crossed the state line."

Valerie gave a soft laugh. "He'll be fine; it's not like you're alone, you're with me and we're not even 45 minutes away from the city. It's going to be fine."

"I know but I was trying to get him to be less mad at me and now he might get amped up again if he thinks about it too much," she said with a small laugh.

"He'll be fine, you'll be fine, we're all going to be fine," her sister-in-law declared. "I like this salon here better than some of the city ones and it's cheaper…it also has the bonus of maybe providing you with a less worrisome atmosphere for a little while. I doubt reporters in New Jersey are looking for you."

"That's probably true," she said with a nod.

"Of course it is. This is our relaxing girls day and this place is a little quieter than the city so we should be able to enjoy, get those manicures we're in desperate need of and I want to get my hair trimmed…there might be a small wait for that if all the stylists are busy; is that okay?"

"Yeah, that's fine. I was thinking about getting my hair cut…my layers have grown out," Johanna remarked, raking a hand through her hair. "It's starting to get long again…it's past my shoulders…I like keeping it at the shoulder and layered."

Valerie nodded. "Your hair has always been beautiful but I did always think it looked best when you had it cut and layered…you should get it done; maybe it would help you feel better and more like yourself."

Maybe it would make her feel better, Johanna thought to herself; after all, cutting her hair had made her feel better all those years ago when she had first done it. It hadn't made Jim too happy but he had gotten used to it…she knew that he liked that her hair was getting long again but she was used to keeping it shorter now and she didn't want to be bothered with the hassles of long hair again. "I think I will," she murmured.

Her sister-in-law smiled. "Good; pamper yourself, you deserve it."

Johanna returned her smile with a small one of her own. "I think I will…but would you think less of me if I used my middle name when asked…just in case people around here have been reading or watching the news? I know I shouldn't…after all, I hated every minute of using a name that wasn't mine for so long, but…"

"But now you need some anonymity and resemblances can be brushed off with a different name attached," Valerie remarked. "So no, I won't think less of you, and if you're using your middle name, it's still 'your' name so to speak; Elizabeth is on your birth certificate, right?"

"It sure is," she laughed. "It's on my birth certificate, my diplomas, my marriage license, driver's license and so on."

"Then it's your name and you have every right to use it."

Johanna gave a nod and blew out a breath. "I never thought I'd see the day when I'd be going around calling myself Elizabeth but it's better than Meagan…so much better."

"Hey, don't go thinking about that stuff," her sister-in-law said as she caught the quiet melancholy note of her tone. "I know you can't ever forget it but it's in the past and you're home, you're home and you're moving on and putting things back together. The outside world…and some members of the inside world are making it difficult but you're doing it. No one has to know if you use your middle name today, it'll be our secret."

"Okay," she murmured. "Let's go get our nails done."

"And our hair cut?" Valerie asked.

Johanna nodded. "Yeah…Jim won't be happy though."

Valerie laughed. "He always was attached to your hair; maybe we should save him the clippings."

"Oh that would really make him mad, we better pass on that," she said lightly. "I'm not going to tell him about the haircut, he can see it when I go home tomorrow."

"If you need to come back, call me and I'll come get you."

"I'll keep that in mind," Johanna replied as she unhooked her seatbelt.

* * *

A few hours later they left the salon with freshly painted nails and their hair cut. "How do you feel?" Valerie asked as she caught sight of Johanna checking her hair cut in the in the car mirror.

"Good," she said honestly. "It's nice to have it back this way again."

"Do you feel more like you?"

"Well I've been keeping it this way even when I was in Wyoming, but having it cut and answering to my own name and being with my family makes me feel more like myself."

"It looks good," her sister-in-law told her. "I think you feel better, more like yourself because of it and the things you mentioned but once your hair was cut I could tell a subtle difference in you…like a little something snapped back in place."

"You think so?"

"Yeah…and I can see the difference in the way you carry yourself. At home you're completely you, in public not so much; but honestly, Jo; once that hair was back to the way you're used to it being, it changed that way you carry yourself in public; it was like you regained some confidence."

"Hair cuts are kind of freeing," Johanna admitted. "You know a long time ago; back when Colleen's wedding fiasco was still going on, I cut my hair because I was out of sorts…and it made me feel better."

Valerie smiled. "Never discount the good that a haircut and a fresh coat of nail polish can do for you."

"And a few new outfits and a pair of shoes," Johanna added.

"Right; speaking of which, let's hit a few stores here before he head back for lunch. Maybe we can double our good fortune today."

"I'm game," she replied as they got into the car. "I'm going to send Jim a message and remind him that we were going to check out a few stores here so he doesn't worry."

"Go ahead," Valerie said as she put the key in the ignition; taking note of the fact that her sister-in-law was relaxing more and more as the day wore on. She was glad to see her not only enjoying herself but fully being herself as well. She was going to have to make sure they had a girls day every month; she enjoyed it and she knew that Johanna could use it.

"Let's go to a mall," Johanna suggested, breaking into Valerie's thoughts. "I always loved going to the malls here."

"You got it," she replied; "We can't go wrong with all those stores in one place."

"Exactly…and I'm sure one of them must be having a shoe sale."

"Oh absolutely," Valerie agreed; "And I'd worry about our health if we missed out on a possible shoe sale."

Johanna laughed. "We can't take any chances like that…what would our husbands think?"

Valerie grinned. "I don't know but we can't have them thinking that we want to save them money."

"Oh hell no; we can't have that. We need to hit that mall from one end to the other."

"And we shall," Valerie declared; "No successful girls day is complete without a mall trip."

Johanna smiled as she relaxed against the passenger seat; she had to admit, she was feeling pretty good now. It was a feeling that she hoped lasted as long as possible.

* * *

After they returned to the city, Valerie and Johanna settled into a corner booth with their lunch at Vinaigrette. "I've been looking forward to this," Johanna said as she picked up the cup of home made dressing and poured it over her salad.

Valerie smiled as she tended to her own plate. "I'm glad we could do this; it's been a long time since we had lunch together."

"Too long," she agreed as she picked up her fork. "I'm so glad this place is still here."

"Is it the first time you've been here since coming home?"

Johanna swallowed the bite she had taken. "It's my first time coming to the restaurant but over the summer when I was staying with Katie, Jim would come get me a takeout order; especially when I needed cheering up."

"It's good to know that he didn't let you be deprived," her sister-in-law replied.

"We had our rough spots…but he did everything he could to make me comfortable and give me hope. He'd bring me flowers or candy, favorite lunches or magazines; anything he could think of."

"It must've felt like dating again."

"It did," she said softly. "It was like starting over and sometimes it wasn't easy to be patient. We had to go through all of the firsts again…first hug, first kiss…first fight."

Valerie grinned. "First time…"

A blush spread across Johanna's cheeks as she gave a soft laugh. "Yeah…that one didn't come easily despite wanting it."

"Why not?" Valerie asked in amusement.

"Really?" she laughed; "Isn't it obvious? I had a chaperone…and Katie takes her job very seriously. There were a lot of phone calls to check in, unannounced arrivals home…the thought of it being her home…it just wasn't easy."

Her sister-in-law nodded. "Kids are mood killers."

"Especially when you find yourself forced into a conversation about it," Johanna remarked as the memory of those awkward conversations with Kate came to mind.

Valerie's brow rose. "Oh my God; what brought that on? Don't tell me she caught you in a compromising position."

"No…but one of her phone calls interrupted a moment and she kind of figured it out. That conversation put it out of my mind for awhile."

"I bet," Valerie laughed.

"It was even worse when it was diagnosed as one of the reasons Jim and I were fighting and she told me I needed to take care of it. I'm telling you, Val; there's nothing worse than being a situation where it's like your daughter is giving you permission to have sex. I wanted to find a bridge and jump."

Valerie had to force herself to keep her laughter as quiet as possible. "That is all kinds of awkward, Jo."

"Tell me about it; I didn't think I'd ever be able to look her in the face again."

Her sister-in-law shook her head. "I can imagine. The situation wasn't ideal for the whole nine yards of marital reunion, was it?"

"No; but eventually we managed it," she confessed.

"How the hell did you accomplish that?" Valerie laughed.

"Katie had a date and I told her to stay out until morning…Jim and I were having a bad fight and we needed to talk anyway. She got the picture and did as I asked; but believe me, I'd hated knowing that she knew and we didn't make it a habit."

"I bet Jim was relieved when you got move back into your own house," Valerie commented with a grin.

"We both were," Johanna laughed. "Now we can do what we want when we want and not have to worry about it."

"Sounds similar to what Frankie told me when I was crying about Trevor moving out; he was so thrilled all the kids were out of the house and I was devastated…he told me he had been waiting on that moment for a long time; now we could be alone, we wouldn't have to worry about locking doors and being quiet. I told him maybe if we were alone enough I could have another baby."

Johanna's sparkled in amusement. "What did my brother say to that?"

"Nothing," Valerie replied; "He just left and came back an hour later with a bag from the drugstore…you can guess what was in it."

She nodded. "If that doesn't make the statement of no more kids, nothing does."

"Yeah; I got the message," her sister-in-law laughed. "But you know, I've discovered that this segment of life is better for that area…less distractions and more time makes it more fun."

"I agree," Johanna said as she picked up her drink. "It's funny to be this age though and think back to when Mom scandalized us with the details of her love life and Colleen was so shocked to learn that she still had one."

Valerie giggled. "That was a hell of a day and Colleen's shock was priceless…probably if anyone doesn't have a love life now it's her; I can't imagine Paul being one of those men who can keep going."

Johanna laughed as she shuddered at the thought. "Paul didn't look like he could do anything for anyone when he was young when you get right down to it."

"That's true."

"Have you talked to Colleen lately?" Johanna asked.

"No; we haven't heard from her; but then again that's not unusual. She only checks in every so many months unless something's going on that she wants to gossip about."

"That's why I thought maybe she'd call; I thought maybe she'd want to gossip about me."

Valerie eyed her seriously. "She probably knows better than to call me and start spilling her garbage because I'll drive over to her house and punch her in the mouth for it."

"If you ever do that take someone along who can take pictures for me," Johanna told her.

"I'll make sure you get a YouTube worthy video of the occasion."

"Even better," she laughed.

"Have you heard from Samantha?" Valerie asked.

"Yeah; she sends texts every now and then; she sent me a picture of the baby a few days ago. She says she's doing okay; a little nervous about going back to work."

"I'm glad she's staying in touch; I think she's a little wary of sharing too much with Frankie and I because of Colleen."

"That could be," Johanna admitted. "Just let her know you're around and she'll push the worry aside."

They ate quietly for a moment before Valerie met her eye. "How are you doing with pushing your worries aside?"

She smiled. "Well you haven't had to talk me through a panic attack so I guess I'm alright."

"I'm glad but that's not what I meant. I meant about what's going on with you and Jim."

Johanna breathed deeply. "Those worries are never easily pushed aside. I worry all the time…even though he's being calmer now that we have some space between us I still worry about if I made the right decision."

"But doesn't his calmness seem to hint that you have?" Valerie asked. "I listened when he was on speaker when you told him we were leaving the city; he didn't blow up like he could have; he kept his cool…told you it was okay and that he loves you."

"I know; but if there's one thing I know about Jim it's that sometimes he can bury things and they re-explode later. I'm really hoping that's not a possibility and I feel like maybe the space was like finding the right pressure valve. At home we were just fighting without a break and now at least we're talking, not about the issues, but at least able to carry on a conversation. It makes me hopeful that when I get home tomorrow we'll be able to sit down and get this issue taken care of and put behind us."

"I'm sure you will," Valerie replied. "But do you feel better about what happened."

She shifted a little. "I don't think I'm ever going to feel good about having a bad reaction to a situation that led to a minor meltdown in my marriage. It's just…"

"Just what?"

"I don't know," Johanna replied. "I want to get past this fight with Jim; I want us to discuss it and get it put behind us and at the same time I kind of hate knowing that we have to talk about it."

"Why?"

"Because like I told you before; I don't know how to talk about it. I feel like I flounder when this issue of his past comes up."

"I know…but you're going to have to just dive in and learn how to talk about it. If he gets mad, that's more about him than you, Jo. Talking about it shouldn't be seen as doing something wrong."

"I know…I just hate to upset him and I know it upsets him when we talk about it. We don't have a choice but to talk about it this time but it still worries me…I don't want to anger him all over again."

"Just think positively," her sister-in-law encouraged. "Maybe now that he's had some time alone he'll be more open to not only talking about it but helping you through it. It's a sensitive topic but you're not the only one who has to learn how to handle it as an issue in your marriage. Jim has to learn how to talk to you about it without being defensive."

"I don't blame him for being defensive…it's just when he gets defensive I seem to make blunders even worse because I get nervous about how every word I'm saying is being taken."

"You'll get through it," Valerie told her. "It might be hard but you can do it; you've had harder discussions this year."

"I know and believe me, it weighs on me and they never let me forget what I did. Sometimes it's not on purpose, other times it is, especially from Katie."

"What are you going to do about Katie?"

Johanna sighed. "What all mothers do; contemplate beating my head off a wall every time we're at odds with each other."

Valerie laughed. "We better get you a big bottle of those migraine pills then."

"We probably should. I don't know what to do with her, Val. As I told you before, when I came home she didn't want anything to do with me but eventually she let me in and it was like we were close again. I moved home and the media started coming down on us and she was shoving me away like a hot potato…except for when she has a problem; then I can be a mother. I'd like to spend some time with her; I'd like to try to keep our bond intact but she doesn't want me around. There's always an excuse of why we can't have a meal together or go do something together; it's either work or her boyfriend; and I'm not saying she isn't busy, I know she is. I'm not suggesting that she throw her boyfriend over…I just wish she'd find some balance so there's room for more in her life. I'd like to be a part of her life in a better way than I am now…but it's like it's some crime. Like she's ashamed of me…and that's hard to bear."

"Of course it is," Valerie said sympathetically. "I know she's said some hurtful things to you recently and it's hard for you not to take that to heart…how could you not after all?"

"Exactly," she murmured. "I know she's still angry with me but I just feel like if we could spend some time together once in awhile that maybe we'd get back to getting through that like we were when I was living with her but she doesn't want to. She's mentioned that we'll go shopping sometime this month but she mentioned that on the heels of telling me she was releasing a statement…Val, I'm not a fool; I know that if the day comes where she stops at the house and picks me up for that trip that it's only going to be because she's trotting me out with her to prove her statement true. I'll go of course because I owe her that but it hurts a little. Rick was out of town on a book tour and I invited her over and she had plans with his mother; she even stayed at his place with his mother. If that isn't a slap in the face I don't know what is. I feel like other people's mothers get more of her time and attention than I do and I'm the one who gave birth to her."

"I'd feel the same way if I was in your shoes," Valerie answered. "It would feel hurtful to see a boyfriend's mother getting more time and consideration from my child than what I get."

"She says I'm crazy; that's it not like that at all…but I'm not blind or stupid. I know how it is."

"I think Katie needs some tough love."

Johanna scoffed. "Not too long ago, Jim's friends convinced him that I needed some tough love and he tried their advice."

Valerie laughed. "How did that go?"

"Let's just say he changed his tune pretty damn fast."

"I bet he did; he must've been having some kind of moment where he forgot who he was dealing with."

"He must've been having something," she laughed. "I don't think he'll try it again. As for Katie; tough love might have worked in the past but I doubt it will now. She'd rather fight me; I think she likes it."

"Sounds like your mother-in-law," Valerie said with a small laugh.

"Yeah…it's frightening," Johanna remarked. "Sometimes I see Elizabeth in her and I just want to grab her and smack her until it falls out. I want to scream at her 'for the love of God, don't give into to Elizabeth Beckett's genes!' I think it might be too late though, they're in there and I think they're loose."

"Maybe you could accidentally smack her upside the head or something," Valerie suggested lightly.

"It's tempting. I just don't know what to do with her…if I push too much she runs, if I don't push at all, she's happy and content with little contact. I just hate feeling like I'm losing her…and I hate feeling helpless about it. I feel terrible when we fight and yet letting her have it the past couple days felt so damn good and yet I know it was detrimental to our relationship."

"Probably not as detrimental as you fear; sometimes you have to let out your anger, Jo. Let her get reacquainted with your wrath when she does something that hurts you. She wants to act like she's big and bad then let her prove it by taking it once in awhile. You can't just let her walk on you because you're afraid of losing her. You can't let her have that power over you."

"I know," Johanna said as she scooped up another bite of her lunch. "When I came home, I knew that picking up the pieces and moving on would be hard…but no one told me just how hard it would be. Most of the time I feel pretty stable with my marriage but then one little thing can blow things out of the water for a few days and I start to worry all over again. I feel like I get lulled into false stages of security by my daughter and then she jerks the rug out from under me. My sister despises me and acts like I did this for fun. Jim's family…well, he doesn't say much about it but I know I've put a wedge between him and his family with the exception of Andrew. I feel like the whole world is watching me and judging me and all of it gets heavy to carry sometimes. Don't get me wrong, I don't regret coming home; it's all I ever wanted and nothing will make me regret it; but some days it just gets hard and frustrating and I just want to scream."

"That's because you still feel isolated," Valerie remarked. "You feel like there's more against you than in your favor and let's not forget that you're still a bit careful with what you say to Jim or Katie because of the fear you carry about losing them. Colleen's a nasty hateful person; I don't know what the issue is with Jim's family and as for the media, they're vultures and I hate the way they treat you and how you're always looking over your shoulder in fear of them following you. I don't know how you do it without breaking down completely; because I don't think I could handle it as well as you do."

Johanna scoffed. "I don't think I do all that well, Val."

"You do a lot better than you give yourself credit for; you're strong and brave, Jo. I know it's hard, I know it's a little lonely but one day it's all going to be settled and everything is going to be fine. You have Jim and Katie and me and Frankie and our kids among others. When things get hard and it makes things tense or sensitive between you and Jim and Katie; you can always come to me or Frankie; you know that."

"I do know that," she answered; "But do you know what one of the worst feelings is through all of this?"

"What?" Valerie asked.

Johanna's chin quivered as her eyes filled with tears. "Those moments when I just want my mom," she whispered. "I just want my mother so badly and I can't have her. I just wish I could have her…I know she'd accept me…that she'd somehow make everything seem okay; make every worry seem frivolous and give me an idea for a solution to every problem. I just wish I could lay my head on her lap like when I was a little girl and cry out all my problems to her while she listened. I just wish she was here…that I could hug her and hold on to her for awhile. I know it sounds like something you'd hear from someone who only just lost their mother a month ago instead of nearly twenty years ago; but somehow all of this has only brought back that mourning. I've never stopped missing her; never stopped wishing she was still here but sometimes it comes back just as sharply as when it first happened because I need her…she could always make everything better and I just want my mother."

Tears laid in Valerie's blue eyes. "I know the feeling…I miss my mother too and it never goes away. I wish Naomi was here too; not only for you but for all of us. I miss her too; all the time. I was lucky in the mother-in-law department; she loved me as one of her own and I loved her. I can see why you'd feel that grief so keenly; we all want our mothers when times are hard and if it was within my power to give her to you, I would."

"I know," she murmured, discreetly swiping away a tear. "It just creeps up sometimes; that longing…I don't mention it…I've seen how it upsets Katie when I do. I was a mess on Mom's birthday this year and I was still with Katie then…and then when I talked to her on the anniversary of Mom's passing, I didn't think before I said something to the effect of how I'll never totally be alright when that day comes; that its not something that's gotten over and she made the comment about knowing that and you know, it's my fault that she's already had a taste of that pain so I just try to keep it to myself. I don't even really mention it to Jim a lot because I don't want him to feel like he isn't enough because he is…I just miss her so much."

"I know you do…and I understand why you keep things like that to yourself but you can always tell me; no judgment or sensitive feelings here, okay?"

Johanna nodded. "Okay…and I'm sorry I wasn't here to help comfort you when you lost your mother, Valerie."

"That's okay; it's not your fault. You're here now and I'm sure somewhere down the road when I start getting nagged by my own memories and regrets, you'll be the person I call and tell them to because I'm sure you'll handle it better than your brother does. Don't get me wrong, Frankie does his best but he feels out of his depths in that area."

"Anytime you need to talk about it, you just let me know," Johanna replied. "I'm always willing to listen."

"I know," her sister-in-law said with a small smile.

They ate in silence for a few minutes until something caught Valerie's eye. "Isn't that your friend over there," she said nodding toward a table.

Johanna glanced up from her plate. "Before I look do you mean friend in the actual sense or 'friend' in the sarcastic sense that really means enemy?"

Valerie gave her an amused grin. "I meant in the actual sense."

"In that case probably not, I don't have any friends."

"That's not true; you have me," her sister-in-law declared. "I'm your friend and sister rolled into one package for your convenience."

Johanna laughed softly. "And I'm thankful for it. Who is it that you see?"

"I believe it's Sharon," Valerie answered; "Three tables away to your left."

Johanna looked in the direction that she had indicated and nodded. "Yeah, that's Sharon."

"Who is she with, do you know?"

"I believe it's her sister Suzanne."

"Do you want to go over and say hello to her?"

Johanna shook her head. "Sharon isn't fond of running into me in public. I've run into her twice at the market, she wasn't thrilled."

"Did she at least speak to you?"

"She spoke…I'm not sure it was because she wanted to though. She says she'll call me," Johanna said with an amused smirk. "Hear my phone ringing constantly?"

Valerie laughed softly. "Don't you just love those 'I'll call' people?"

"Oh yeah," she said; "The next time I se her I'm going to say, 'I wish you'd quit calling so much; my phone can't take the abuse."

"Why wait?" Valerie asked as she picked up her drink. "Go do it now."

"No; not today," Johanna replied as she took a subtle glance in Sharon's direction. "She knows I'm here."

"How do you know?"

"She's squirming in her seat; she can't stand it, she's probably living in fear that I'll notice her and walk over there but she doesn't have to worry; I'm not going to acknowledge her."

Valerie met her gaze. "I know it must hurt you a lot to have her shunning you…to not have her around."

She shrugged. "I guess I've had a lot of time to get used to her not being around…just like everyone got used to me not being around, as my daughter informed me."

"You don't fool me, Jo."

She sighed. "I never could."

"So why try?"

"Old habit."

"Time to give it up," Valerie remarked; "And as for your daughter's remarks; well they were a bit callous and I wouldn't say people got used to you not being around; I know it's never felt right to me or Frankie or Jim and probably a lot of other people. Katie needs to take a step back with her attitude and figure out what her issue is before she goes telling other people what their problems are. Getting back to Sharon; I know it has to hurt you, you two go way back to high school, worked together all of those years and she's pretty much spit in your face."

"It stings," she admitted; "But what I can do? I can't force her to speak to me. I can't make her believe that everything she knows about me isn't a lie. Do I wish she'd call or come around? Yeah, I do; I really do because I do miss her. We had our share of arguments and bad moments through the years but we always got through it…but it doesn't look like we're going to get through this one."

"You don't think there's any hope?"

"No," she confessed; "I don't believe there's any hope of us being friends again. We'll be the kind of people who say a few civil words when we see each other in public and that will be it. I don't like admitting that I don't have any hope of being friends again…it's like a little part of my life is still missing, you know? I miss Sharon. I miss Maggie; we weren't talking even before I had to leave but I missed her then and I still miss her now. I had other friends too of course but they were my closest friends. I haven't heard from anyone else I used to be friends with; some aren't around here anymore like Jim's secretary Sally; she lives in Tennessee now but she's contacted Jim to ask him how he's doing and she didn't ask to talk to me, which is fine but we were friends, I wouldn't have minded talking to her. It's hard to realize that all of those doors are closed…I have you and other than that the only friends that speak to me are really Jim's friends like Jeff and Zach and he's said that Antonio and Isabel would like us to come to dinner sometime soon. I guess that's one of the good things about men; a lot of them can get past things so much easier. Jeff and Zach; neither one of them have said a bad word about me or what I had to do; they just welcomed me home, which was a relief because I didn't want Jim to lose his friends over me; but they just treat me the way they always did; not like I have the plague like Sharon acts like."

"I'm so sorry it's turned out that way with her," Valerie stated. "I'm sorry it's this way with any of your former friends. Is there any way you can get in touch with Maggie? Might be worth a shot?"

"I don't know how to contact her," Johanna replied; "I could ask Jeff to ask one of the kids but I'd feel bad doing that and I don't even know if she'd want to talk to me anyway."

"Maybe Jim could find out from Jeff for you," Valerie suggested. "Jeff's always been a nice guy; I'm sure he'd understand why you'd want to reach out to Maggie."

"I don't know…"

"Just think about it."

"I'll think about it," Johanna agreed.

"What about the mother of Katie's boyfriend?"

"Over the summer I thought that was going to be a developing friendship but now…"

"It's not easy to think of nurturing it when it feels like she's taking up some of the role that should be yours in your daughter's life?"

"Yeah," she confessed slowly. "I know it sounds petty but I can't help it. Martha's always busy anyway. Don't get me wrong, I like her and I enjoyed her company over the summer but I just think we might be a little too different…and like you said there's the Katie issue which makes me sound terrible but I can't help how I feel. I wish I could but I can't."

"I understand that," Valerie replied. "It would be hard to be friend's with someone that my child was replacing me with."

"I imagine I'll get over missing certain people after awhile," Johanna remarked; "And I'll get used to not having friends besides you; it's not like I had a lot of friends in Wyoming…the one I did have didn't know anything about me so…"

"Does she keep in contact?"

"Yeah; Carolyn emails and she's called once or twice. I told her that she could call whenever she wants but she seems to mainly be sticking to email; she says she's giving me time to settle in."

"Do you miss her?"

Johanna squirmed a little in her seat, uncomfortable with the question. Did missing Carolyn mean that she had enjoyed something of her life in Wyoming? She liked Carolyn; she had been and was thankful for her friendship and she'd like to hang on to it but would her family see it as missing her life in Wyoming? Because she certainly didn't miss Wyoming…and she didn't want anyone to think so or to think that she had lied about the extent of her misery.

"Jo," Valerie said softly; "It's okay to miss your friend; she was a part of your life when the rest of us couldn't be. I'm glad you had someone even if you couldn't tell her the things you wished you could. You don't have to feel bad about missing her."

"But I do," she murmured; "I do feel bad for missing her sometimes. I don't want people to think I enjoyed any part of being in Wyoming because I didn't…"

"No one is ever going to think otherwise," Valerie interrupted; "But it's okay that you had a nice friend and that you miss her. Maybe she's holding back because she's afraid it'll make trouble with your family if you're in contact with someone from Wyoming. Maybe you just need to subtly reassure her that it isn't the case; that she's welcome to call whenever she wants and that you'll call her too. It might be a long distance friendship but at least it is a friendship; if she keeps emailing then I'd say she's willing to stick with you."

"She probably is," Johanna remarked. "She didn't get angry with me when I finally got to tell her the truth."

"Then make sure you keep up your end of the effort to keep that friendship in tact."

"I will."

"In other news, I think you're right about Sharon knowing that we're here," Valerie stated.

"Why?"

"Her sister keeps looking over here."

Johanna blew out a breath. "What should I do?"

"What do you want to do? You can go over and speak to her or you can pretend like you didn't see her or you can wait and see if she comes over here."

"What's the situation look like? I don't want to look over; I want to pretend to be oblivious."

"Sharon's still in her chair."

"Is she looking over here?"

"No; it looks like she's trying very hard not to look…she probably looks when she feels confident that we're not looking around."

Johanna nodded; she figured as much. "Would you think less of me if I said I'd just rather pretend that I don't know she's there and leave since we're finished our lunch anyway?"

Valerie gave a soft shake of her head. "No; I won't think less of you for it. I'd probably do the same thing knowing that she's doing her best to avoid looking or speaking when she clearly knows we're here. Let's go pay the bill and get out of here. I need to stop at the store and get some milk and then we can head back to the house; okay?"

"Yeah; that sounds good to me; my feet are starting to ache. I think we can say we had a successful, relaxing day out."

"I agree," her sister-in-law replied. "We're going to have to make it a habit."

"I'd like that," Johanna said sincerely; "I really would."

* * *

That evening, Jim frowned as he stood in the kitchen and thought about having to make dinner for himself. It wasn't like he had never done it before; after all, necessity had dictated it during those years when Johanna hadn't been there to do it for him. But when she had come home all that changed; even when she had been staying at Katie's she had retaken the role of providing his meals for him…unless she was mad at him. He raked a hand through his hair; funny how that worked out, he had pushed her too far and she was once again not feeding him as a punishment for it. He had to admit, it was an effective form of punishment…he was truly sorry for all of his misdeeds every time he thought about a TV dinner instead of one of her home cooked meals.

Jim moved to the fridge to get a can of soda, having a feeling that his wife wouldn't exactly be crazy about the idea of his stomach inspiring apologies. Of course he wasn't the only one that needed to issue apologies…at least he thought maybe they both needed to apologize for the way things had gotten out of control so quickly. He hadn't started it, she had; but Jeff's words kept coming back to him, reminding him that he had basically set up his wife for a downfall in the area of how to handle the knowledge of his past alcoholism. He hadn't given her guidance for how to cope or deal; he hadn't given her any support…so didn't that make it kind of his fault?

A deep sigh of regret crossed his lips. No; it wasn't his fault; not in the way he thought anyway; it was her fault for allowing it to start but his fault for making it worse. That sounded better; they both had equal blame. But knowing the percentage of blame to ascribe to both of them didn't solve his problem about dinner, he remembered, his nose wrinkling. God he hated to cook; that was one of the reasons he had gotten married; his wife would feed him and he wouldn't have to worry about it…unless he made her mad of course.

He was about to move to the drawer that contained a selection of takeout menus when a knock sounded at the backdoor. Hopefulness filled him for a split second at the thought that Johanna might have come home but then his brain caught up with him and he realized that she wouldn't knock; she'd use her key and breeze in while barely batting an eye about the fact. He blew out a breath as he headed to the door; why couldn't it have been her?

When Jim pulled open the door he found his daughter on the porch instead of the person he wanted most but he managed a small smile. "What brings you by, Katie?"

Kate held up the bag of takeout that she carried. "I figured you'd need dinner…I know how you feel about cooking."

He stepped back and allowed her into the kitchen. "What did you get?"

"Chinese," she answered. "I know how much Mom hates it so I thought since she wasn't here it's the best time to have it…unless she's changed her mind and came home after all?"

Jim shook her head. "She's still at her brother's. She went out with Valerie today to do some things; she let me know they were back at the house about an hour ago."

Kate moved to the table to set down the food. "Why are you letting her get away with this, Dad?"

He smiled a little. "Katie; you seem to be under the impression that your mother is a little girl that can be told what to do. I'm not _letting_ her do this; she chose to do it because she thinks its best…and maybe it is. She'll be home tomorrow, she promised."

It was on the tip of her tongue to ask what he'd do if her mother came up with a reason to stay away for a third night but she swallowed the words as she shrugged out of her coat. "I still think you shouldn't let her get away with so much," she murmured instead.

"And like I said, I'm _not_ _letting_ her do anything; she's a grown woman, she does what she wants. That would be like me saying that Rick _allowed_ you to come visit your father. That's not the case; you made that decision on your own…right? I better be right or you and I are going to have a serious talk," Jim remarked.

She smirked a little. "Dad; do you really believe for a minute that I'd let a man tell me what to do?"

"I should hope not…but if _you_ don't let a man tell you what to do then you shouldn't expect your mother to allow a man to tell _her_ what to do…and please don't bring up the past and her leaving because that's totally different from what we're talking about."

"I know it is," she said as she moved around him to get drinks to go with their dinner.

Jim watched her as she moved around the kitchen, pouring drinks and grabbing napkins, making sure they had everything they needed for the meal she had brought. She was just like her mother in some respects, he mused. She moved with the same energy that Johanna did; always needing to be busy as if busyness would keep the bad things at bay. She was easy to rile, stubborn, and a hundred other little things that reminded him of his wife. "You're just like your mother," he said without thought.

Kate's brow arched. "Meaning?"

He shook his head as he sat down. "It's nothing bad."

"Then what is it?"

"Just your way, Katie," he replied. "Her energy; the way she moves when she's got something on her mind that she doesn't really want to deal with."

She looked at him somewhat skeptically and he smiled. "But basically you're just like her in most respects…which might be why the two of you clash a little lately."

"We'd be fine if she could just…"

"Just what?"

Kate frowned as she opened a carton of Chinese takeout. "I don't know what to call it. She's just…well…you know how she is, you live with her."

"You lived with her all summer and got along with her better then than you do now," Jim remarked. "What's the deal with that?"

"I don't know, Dad," she answered with a shake of her head. "Maybe she's a little too needy and I'm not the type of person who likes to be needed too much."

"How does your boyfriend feel about that?" Jim asked as he got up from the table to get a fork instead of using the provided chopsticks.

"What's Castle got to do with it?" Kate replied.

"You said you're not the type of person who wants to be needed too much so I was wondering how your boyfriend feels about dating a woman who feels that way. If my wife didn't want me to need her much, I'd feel like something was wrong with the whole picture…what's the point in caring about someone if they don't want to be wanted or needed by you?"

"I didn't say it in regard to a romantic relationship, that's not what I meant," his daughter stated; "And I didn't say I didn't want to be needed at all; I said I don't want to be needed too much. I don't want to feel like someone needs me to the point that their life depends on it."

Jim glanced at her as he retook his seat across from her. "In that case you better not have children; they're needy and dependent for eighteen years."

She rolled her eyes. "That's not what I meant; children are different."

"Uh huh, two 'that's not what I meant' comments about one remark in under five minutes," Jim quipped. "Tell me, what is it exactly that you do mean?"

Kate looked at him in exasperation. "I brought you food, why are you annoying me?"

Jim smiled. "Because you're here…I'd rather annoy my wife but she won't come home and play with me at the moment so I've got to take what I've got."

She smirked at him in amusement. "Thanks, Dad, I just love these warm father daughter moments."

"Me too," he quipped; "Makes me feel like I'm right in one of those Hallmark movies."

She laughed. "I'll make sure that's where I buy your Father's Day card."

"You do that," he chuckled; "But getting back to my point; what exactly do you mean? And for the record, I don't think your mother needs you to the point that her life depends on it; she just wants to feel like you still have a close relationship like you did years ago…like you were getting back to over the summer."

Kate sighed as she chewed a bite of her food. "I just don't want to feel like I'm responsible for being her best friend, confidant and daughter all rolled into one. I don't want to have to call her every day; I don't want to have to worry about her panicking about my wellbeing over an unanswered text message. I don't always want to hear 'when are you coming to dinner' and when I don't there's always that wounded tone or look of how dare you say no to your mother. When I do stop by it's always implied that I only come when I have a reason or I don't come around enough. I just…I don't know what to do with her, Dad. I don't know what she wants and even if I did, I probably wouldn't be able to give her enough of it."

"Katie, I think you make what she wants or needs out to be more than they really are. All she wants is to be your mom…to feel like she has a concrete place in your life. She doesn't want you to be dependent on her…she just wants to know that you want her around to be more than just your shoulder to cry on when you need one. It probably makes her feel like she can only be your mother when it's convenient for you…kind of like how I feel when I'm never notified when you've been injured on the job or there's some headline about a case you worked that's going to scare the hell out of me. We know you're grown, you have your own life…we just don't want to be shut out of it."

She shifted uncomfortably in her seat. "It's not like that, Dad."

He gave her a serious look as she met his eye. "Katie, when you were a little girl, your mother was all you ever wanted…I admit sometimes it made me jealous; I felt like I was inferior as a parent once in awhile because it was always 'mommy, mommy, mommy'…"

"Dad!" she exclaimed. "I've always loved you, how could you think I didn't want you? I was a little girl; little girls follow their mommies around."

He chuckled softly. "I know that; at least I know it now…your mother had to straighten me out about that and I remember her telling me that if I wanted you to hang around me more often then maybe I should make an effort to include you in my projects even if they weren't something I thought a girl would be interested in; that's why I started taking you to more games, started asking you if you wanted to help me in the garage or I'd take you with me sometimes if I had to run an errand and I'd treat you to ice cream or a happy meal…and sure enough, you started popping up at my side more often and it felt like things evened out in little ways."

"Then what's your point?"

"My point," he laughed; "Is that despite hanging around me a little more; you were still a mama's girl…at her side more often than mine. You went everywhere with her; hell she took you to work with her once or twice when she had babysitting issues…"

"Once when you bailed on her," Kate recalled, her tone a bit tart.

"That was a bad time," Jim replied; knowing exactly the time she was referring too. It had been Johanna's first stint of teaching law at Columbia and they had been going through a rough spot. Katie had been four at the time and he had promised to be home in time to watch their daughter so she could teach her early evening class…but instead he had been selfish and did what he wanted and she had been forced to take Katie with her.

"But getting back to your point," his daughter prodded.

"The point is you were very close…even doing those moments of torture known as your teenage years, you and her were two peas in a pod. I didn't think she'd ever stop crying when we left you at Stanford. She cried the whole plane ride back…and was still crying in the cab that brought us to the house. The phone bill was astronomical…"

"I know, I remember the long distance screaming," Kate interrupted.

"You'd scream too if you got a $350 phone bill," Jim retorted.

"It was an accident," she replied; "We didn't know we talked that much."

"You knew it when I was done with you both."

Kate nodded. "I'm pretty sure I recall crying…Mom cried too."

"I cried a little myself as I wrote out the check," Jim remarked; "It was a painful moment for all of us. But as I was saying, the phone bill was astronomical and it took me about three months to convince your mother that just having me was a good thing that she used to enjoy," he remarked.

"I know all of this, Dad."

"I know you do, although sometimes I think you forget. But what I'm reminding you of is that you had a very close bond…you had your normal mother daughter scuffles but you were close and you wanted her around, you needed her, you loved her…and then one day the world turned upside down and you didn't have her anymore and you spent a long time wishing she was there, needing her, wanting her…and then one day, a miracle occurred and the world tilted back the right way and she came home to us. I know you were angry; I know you still are but you got past a lot of it and you and your mother started recovering that closeness…"

"It's hard not to do that when you're forced to live together," Kate replied.

"Oh I think you could've kept resisting if you had really wanted to," Jim stated; "But somehow she found a way to get back in there…to remind you of who you are deep down and how that person loved her mother and wanted her back in her life. Then she moved back home and it's like someone has flipped a switch and you're back to shoving her away. She doesn't understand that, Katie. It's hard for her to be wanted one minute and shoved to the sidelines the next…I think it reminds her too much of Frank; sometimes he'd let her in, let her think she was getting close to him and then he'd hurt her and slam the door on her. Maybe that's why she tries a little harder than you'd like her to…she doesn't want to have a Frank McKenzie relationship with you. She doesn't want to be your whole world; she just wants a little corner of it for herself. She just wants to hear from you a couple times a week…she wants to share a meal with you once in awhile. I know that seems silly to you but that's just something that's a part of her; your mother and I both went through life having dinner with our parents once a week or at the least once or twice a month. You grew up in a home where the three of us sat down to dinner together; now I'm not saying there weren't occasions when one of us had to work late and I know there were times when I traveled; but more often than not, you had a family dinner every day. She's not asking for once a week like her mother and mine did; she just wants once in awhile…maybe once a month would be nice…twice a month even better and a good limit."

Kate swallowed the bite of food she had taken and looked at him. "Maybe she should take into consideration that I have someone else in my life that I like having dinner with…maybe if he was invited too it wouldn't be so much of an issue."

Jim held her gaze. "We don't have a problem inviting Rick over; it just shouldn't be a condition of seeing our daughter once in awhile. Sometimes we like some time with just you. Maybe if you came once in awhile by yourself, then your mother would invite him to come along for the next dinner, did you ever think of that?"

"No; but that might be because I think about how you decline all of Uncle Michael and Aunt Natalie's dinner invitations because they don't invite Mom."

"That's different."

"How do you figure?"

"Well for one thing, Michael and Natalie are my brother and sister-in-law; not my parents. For another, Johanna is my wife, not my girlfriend. If she was just my girlfriend, as she was once upon a time, it wouldn't be an issue for me to accept invitations that didn't include her, but she is my wife and I only go where we're both welcome…and what do you know about it anyway?"

"I ran into Uncle Michael the other day at a restaurant I was at with Castle," she answered with a small shrug. "He asked about you; he says he doesn't hear much from you anymore and you turn down all of their invitations unless he needs your help with something. He says once you're finished you're right back out the door, you won't even consider staying for awhile."

"Is he really surprised by that?" Jim asked; "He said some pretty hurtful things to me when I told them that Johanna had come home."

"Not everyone is going to accept her the way you have, Dad; and just because they don't approve of her anymore doesn't mean that your brother doesn't still love and care about you. He still wants to be a part of your life."

"Then he shouldn't act like I was better off believing my wife was dead."

"They don't have to accept her."

"No, they don't," Jim agreed; "But if they don't accept her, then they don't accept me. She's my wife, she's the woman I love; I'm always going to chose her; and if people can't accept that, then they don't need to be in my life. I love my brother, I miss him, but I love my wife more and I'm not going to go sit at their table knowing she's home alone because they want to act like they're better than her."

"Maybe that's how I'd feel not having Castle invited to dinner with me…maybe I think you don't approve."

Jim's eyes narrowed. "Don't you even think for a minute that you're going to pull some stupid crap like that on me, Katherine Houghton; you're just looking for an excuse and that's the one you think you can run with, well you can't. You know we have nothing against Rick; we like him and have no problem with him being in our home; we just like to see you alone once in awhile. I didn't realize it was a crime; forgive me for trying to make things easier for you and your mother, forget it, don't come to dinner…there's more for me that way anyway."

She scoffed a little in amusement although she knew her father saw nothing funny in the situation. "I'm here for dinner now."

"Yeah, I know…and your mother isn't; amazing coincidence, isn't it?" he asked; his gaze sharp. "Maybe you should've gone and ate with your Uncle."

"What if we make a deal?" she offered.

"What deal?"

Kate picked up her glass of iced tea and took a sip. "I'll give in to Mom's demand for a dinner once a month if you give in and have dinner with Michael once in awhile."

Jim eyed her, a war brewing within him…did he give in for the sake of giving his wife something she wanted from their daughter or did he stand his ground in defending her honor to his brother. It wasn't an easy choice to make and he resented his daughter for putting it on the table. "That's a dirty deal, Katie."

"Maybe, but it's one I'm offering anyway…I think you need to see your brother more often."

He smirked. "My father always had an expression about taking us boys out to the garage…"

"What's your point?" she asked, her chopsticks dipping into another carton.

"Your mother needs to take you out to a garage and kick your ass for you," he remarked.

A teasing grin touched her lips. "You're my father, why don't you do it if you think it needs done."

"You're too old for me to do it," Jim replied; "I don't hit women…but your mother could do it…she could take you; don't doubt it for a minute."

"Yeah, I kind of think she could too, she's got that bad temper but that's just between us."

"This whole conversation is just between us; I've got enough problems," Jim replied.

She smiled. "The deal is still on the table though…what's the answer going to be?"

"It feels like blackmail, Katie."

His daughter shrugged. "Maybe but I guess you got to ask yourself what matters more to you. Did you ever think maybe if you were around Michael's more often mentioning her little by little that they might come around? You're stuck on this pride thing of defending her honor and I don't think it needs it to this degree."

"That's your opinion," he said around a bite of his food. "I'd defend her and her honor with my dying breath."

"I don't doubt that at all…but she can fight some battles on her own."

"I know she can; but this one involves people related to me by blood; I'll take them on for her and she can deal with you, okay?"

Kate's brow rose. "I'm related to you by blood too."

"Only fifty percent of you is my blood; the other fifty is your mother's," Jim quipped. "I'm willing to let her have you."

"She'll be so happy," she laughed. "Now what's it going to be; do we have a deal?"

"I don't like it…and I know Johanna won't like it."

"Who said we were telling her?"

"She'll figure it out eventually; she'll want to know why I suddenly changed my mind about Michael's invitation."

"Tell her you miss him; she'll buy that."

"She'll want to know what changed your mind too," he retorted.

"I'll tell her I missed her; she'll buy that."

He scoffed. "The hell she will. She knows you don't miss her; I'm not even sure she believes that you love her all that much, Katie."

"I do too love her!" she yelled in offense. "Don't you ever say I don't love her!"

"Hey," he yelled back; "Don't you take that tone with me, young lady. I didn't say you don't love her; I said I'm not sure she believes that you do; and maybe you ought to ask yourself why that is. Maybe you wouldn't have to worry about that sort of accusation if you did something to prove that you do once in awhile; did you ever think about that?"

"Do we have a deal or not?" she asked sharply.

Jim's jaw tightened. "Yeah; for her sake, we have a deal," he said tartly. "What's your work schedule look like for Sunday?"

"I'm off."

"Good; we eat early on Sunday; you be here by four; you will sit through the whole meal, you'll help her wash the dishes and then you'll come in the living room and chat with her for awhile. You'll stay until at least 7:30 and there won't be any excuse for rushing off unless it's work related. You're not going to pull your attitude, you're not going to act like it's killing you to have a meal here and you will come without your boyfriend. Now put that in your boots and stomp on it, prissy pants," Jim remarked.

Kate had to spit her drink back into her cup to keep from choking on it as she laughed. "Mom better come home soon, you're getting cranky," she remarked.

"That doesn't have anything to do with her; you inspire crankiness all on your own."

"But I bought dinner so that makes up for it."

"I didn't ask you to," he replied. "I could've ate toast."

"And missed this Hallmark made father daughter dinner? Never," she quipped.

* * *

Johanna had slipped away to the guest room with the excuse of removing her earrings that baby Ally kept tugging at. She had completed the task within seconds and put the earrings in her purse for safe keeping but instead of returning to the living room where a small gathering of her relatives were still laughing and talking, she had sat down on the foot of the bed and listened to the quietness of the room. She kept reminding herself that she couldn't linger too long; she didn't want to seem rude or unhappy to be surrounded by family. She was happy to be with her brother and sister-in-law; happy to have her nephew and nieces around…relieved that they wanted to be around, that Claire had come through the door and hugged her with the same zeal she had since she was a little girl; that Greg still called her Anna; that his wife Kelly had accepted her and was kind, that little Ally was still perfectly happy to be cuddled by her. It was a warm, loving gathering and she was enjoying it.

But Jim wasn't there.

Jim wasn't there to share the enjoyment or see how happy it made her to be with people who loved her. He wasn't there holding her hand under the table when momentary nervousness set in or giving her knee a gentle squeeze just to let her know that she was doing fine. He wasn't there and she had known that he wouldn't be, he had told her when Valerie first invited him and he had told her again when she let him know that she was safely back at her brother's home. But she had hoped anyway…hoped the dinner with her was more appealing than dinner alone. Maybe he wasn't over his anger as much as she had believed he was. Maybe he was still holding onto some of it and only letting her believe that he was cooling off so that she'd keep her word of staying in contact as much as possible.

It wasn't a pleasant thought and she did her best to brush it aside as she touched her pocket where her phone was, tempted for a moment to text him a message imploring that he come join her…and adding that if he did, she'd come home tonight instead of tomorrow but she forced her hand away from her phone. She wanted him to come there only if he wanted to; not as some sort of deal. Maybe he wanted this evening to himself before she came home and if he did, that was fine; she didn't begrudge him that…after all, that was why she had taken this measure; to give them both space to think things through and calm down…to make the anger fade. She wasn't angry that he didn't come to dinner; but she missed him and she felt like she couldn't send a message and say so because he'd tell her it had been her idea to be away from home in the first place.

Johanna sighed; even when things were done for the best of both of them it still felt complicated. She scrubbed her hands over her face and once again reminded herself that she needed to get back to the gathering in the living room before people started to wonder. A knock at the door told her that she was too late. "Come in," she called out.

Frankie stepped into the room with Ally in his arms and pushed the door closed. "She was waiting for you in the hallway," he said as his granddaughter smiled and stretched her arms out to Johanna.

She smiled and took Ally into her arms. "Did you think I left you?" she asked the little girl.

Ally babbled to her in her baby language and Johanna hugged her close. "I'm still here, little miss. I guess you've gotten that crawling thing down pat if you followed me the whole way."

"She's a fast learner," Frankie said as he sat down beside his sister.

"She is; she's a McKenzie," Johanna said as the baby reached for her ear only to find the sparkling amethyst gone. "They're all gone," she told her niece. "I learned my lesson about babies and earrings long ago when your Daddy pulled one out of my ear."

"I remember that," Frankie remarked.

"So does my ear," she said with a soft laugh.

"Are you okay?" her brother asked.

"Yeah; I'm fine."

"Are you sure? Did Valerie throw too much at you in such a short span of time?"

Johanna shook her head. "No; I'm glad to see everyone; I wish Trevor would've been in town so he could be here too. I came in to put my earrings away and just got to thinking about Jim."

"What about him?"

"Just that I wish he would've came over tonight."

"Do you want me to go persuade him?" her brother offered.

"No," she said with a small laugh as Ally's tiny fingers toyed with her necklace. "Maybe he needs tonight to himself; I'll be home tomorrow, I can wait that long; although I do intend to spend most of the day with Valerie before I head back. If I get home too early, I'll sit and dwell on things until he gets there."

"I hope you don't think Valerie is going to have a problem with that," Frankie replied; "Because if you do you're crazy."

"No; I know she doesn't mind the company."

They were quiet for a moment as Ally studded the diamond heart pendant that Jim had given Johanna for their anniversary. "Jo," her brother said, his tone indicating that something was on his mind.

"Yeah," she replied; her body tensing slightly as she worried about what he might say.

"I know you worry a lot and I thought maybe you need something to occupy your mind…have you thought about going back to work part time?" he asked.

"I stay occupied as much as I can," she replied; "I tend to my husband and my house; I read, I have my shows and I do my running on the treadmill. What would I go back to?"

"What you're trained to do," Frankie asked.

Johanna shook her head. "I'll never be a lawyer again, Frankie. Even Jim said that it's best that I remain retired."

"I understand why Jim would feel that way but I don't think you should rule it out completely. I mean I definitely wouldn't want you to take criminal cases but you could handle family law or contract law."

"I haven't been in a courtroom since late December of 98…no one would want to hire me with that big gap in my career and they definitely wouldn't want to hire a lawyer who turns up in the newspaper and tabloids every other day. It's just not an option."

"Go back to teaching then," her brother suggested.

"I wouldn't mind teaching law again; I've done that for a long time but with the way things are right now, no college is going to hire me. There's still too much going on and honestly I'm not ready to go back to work, not even part time. I wouldn't mind helping Jim with the work he does but I don't ask; I don't want to cause us more problems."

Frankie nodded. "I understand; and I wasn't trying to pressure you to go back to work."

"I know that," she said as she patted his hand. "I appreciate you trying to help me…I am up for the job of babysitting though so if you can put in the occasional word for me to have this little girl spend a day with me now and then I'd appreciate it."

He chuckled as Ally reached up to pat Johanna's face. "Don't worry; Greg will be getting around to you soon and I'll always mention you when we're not available. If you're interested in helping Jim with his work though, maybe consider testing the waters a few weeks down the road from now; he might surprise you."

"Maybe but I doubt it."

"Well if it comes down to it and you'd want something part time and can't find anything; we can always find something for you to do at the company."

Johanna laughed. "I love you, big brother but I don't think we could work together. I'd probably have flashbacks of working summers there for Dad and it wouldn't be pretty."

He laughed with her. "You don't think we could do it?"

"Let's just say I don't want to tempt fate. We're in a good place brother-sister wise and working together would probably only ruin it and Mom would be so disappointed at the loss of our progress. I appreciate the offer though."

"You're right; we don't want an angry Naomi McKenzie haunting us."

She smiled and pressed a kiss to the top of Ally's head. "I miss her so much."

"Me too," her brother said quietly, wrapping an arm around her in a quick squeeze of a hug. "By the way, I'm supposed to tell you that your hair looks nice."

Johanna laughed, making Ally giggle in the process. "Valerie told you to say that."

"Obviously," he said as he got to his feet. "I didn't even notice that you did anything to it…that's the way you've always worn it; at least that's what I thought until my wife informed that this morning it was definitely longer and less layered…whatever the hell that means, but hey, it looks good."

"Thanks," she said in amusement. "Don't forget to tell Val the same thing; she cut her hair too."

"I noticed that," Frankie replied; "I learned the 'notice the wife's hair' lesson long ago…I guess she's teaching me the sister one now."

"She's trying to build up my self-esteem."

"Is it working?"

Johanna cuddled her niece. "Yeah; I think it is."

Frankie gave a nod. "Then bring your niece and get back out here so Valerie can continue her good work."

Johanna got up from the bed and shifted Ally to her hip. "I'm ready; sorry for disappearing for longer than I intended."

"No problem; we just figured that you needed a minute."

"I did but I'm better now," she replied; forcing herself to shove away her worries and her longings; tonight she'd enjoy the family that was gathered around her.

* * *

Jim had been quiet for a few minutes as he ate, wondering if he should bring up his knowledge of her visit to Johanna that morning. His need for answers outweighed his concern about stepping on toes and so he glanced across the table and met his daughter's eye. "Do you want to tell me why you went over to Frankie and Valerie's this morning?"

"Who said I did that?" Kate asked.

"Your mother."

"Is it wrong to visit my mother?"

"Katie," he said somewhat sharply.

She smirked a little. "And she calls me a tattle tale."

"Turn about is fair play," he replied. "Why did you go over there?"

"To get her to knock off this nonsense and come home," she sighed. "This running away from home thing is a bit much in my opinion."

Jim nodded. "Looks like you were real successful in the endeavor of getting her to come home."

Kate rolled her eyes. "You know how she is when she's in a mood."

"Yeah; kind of like you," Jim commented.

"I do not act like her in this way," his daughter retorted. "She's just going off the deep end this time…it makes me wonder if she can still be having pms without having the actual period to go with it."

Her father's nose wrinkled in distaste at the subject. "I certainly hope not; I've already done my time with her pms…and yours…and those nightmare times when they'd both coincide at once and I'd contemplate taking up smoking so I could go out for a pack of cigarettes and not come back."

"Really?" she said; "You would've left us in our time of need?"

"Yes," he said without batting an eye; "Between the mood swings and the crying jags; it was like living in a combat zone once a month once you joined her in that club. I was outnumbered."

"We liked it that way."

"Uh huh; but anyway; why did you go over there?"

"I told you why."

"You're lucky it didn't make it worse," Jim replied; "And for the record; I didn't yell at you last night and I wasn't there to inspire you to go over there after her."

Kate eyed him seriously. "Is that why she's staying there again tonight? Because I went over?"

"No; two nights was our deal and because Valerie's planned some dinner for her. Greg and his wife and baby are going to be there and Claire's supposed to be there too. A little family reunion of sorts."

"And we weren't invited?" she asked.

"I was invited."

"Why didn't you go?"

"Because it's her night; they're going to be there for her and I want her to soak that up and enjoy it. I don't want her to be distracted by our issues if I'm there. She needs these moments; needs to know other people love her and want her around."

"She didn't tell me about this dinner," Kate stated.

"She didn't know about it this morning. You really shouldn't have gone over there though, Katie. You could've ended up making things bad for me; did you think about that? Your mother could've thought I sent you over there as my errand girl and got mad…thankfully she didn't but with tensions being high it could've happened. You have to be more careful about what you're sticking your hands in."

"I was just trying to help you, Dad," she said somewhat tartly. "You two are the ones who put me in your business in the first place."

"Now you hold on just a minute," Jim remarked; "That's not really true. Your mother made a deal that she would always let one of us know where she was or where she was going. She was mad at me so she called you to tell you she was going to the store. That's all she wanted from you; she just wanted you to be the person who knew where she was. During that call; did she at any time tell you to call and notify me of what she was doing?"

"Dad," she sighed.

"Answer the question."

"I love when we play court at dinner," she said sarcastically. "No; she didn't tell me to call you but I felt you had a right to know."

"I agree, I had a right to know and I was glad you called…but you took that upon yourself; she didn't ask you to do that. She didn't want you to do that. She just wanted you to know where she was. When you called and told me, you placed _yourself_ in the middle. I called your mother and we argued some more and knowing that you tattled made her mad so then she had to call and tell you off. You could've stopped it there, but then you came over here because she stopped answering and you gave your little lecture and said things that you really shouldn't have and ticked her off even more…and then you called and told me all about that, except for the specific things you said that you shouldn't have…your mother didn't notify me of your visit, you did. It could've remained between the two of you but you kept relaying information…and I'm not saying that's a bad thing; but it did put you in it…just like when you made a special trip over here yesterday morning to show me the newspaper so you could tell all about her run in with the reporter. You didn't give her a chance to tell me herself; you saw it and instead of trying to contact her first to see how she was going to handle it, you came running to tell me before you went to work. You feel pushed into the middle of this, but honey you're the one that cannonballed in there."

Kate's jaw tightened; resenting the idea that she was to blame for being involved in their squabble. "So you don't want me to tell you things anymore?"

Jim expelled a heavy breath that spoke of his suffering as a father. "That's not what I'm saying, Katie. Of course I want you to tell me things; but maybe you need to think about how you go about some of it. Sometimes you forget to turn your cop light off and your daughter light on. I'm just asking that you take a little more care; that you keep in mind that your mother is still vulnerable, that the stress makes us all quick to anger."

"Fine," she replied. "What about you; what are you going to do?"

"Same thing I've been doing for most of my life."

"What's that?"

"Trying not to be an ass to my wife," he replied.

"What about your daughter?"

"I do fine with you," Jim answered. "I feel like you have a better relationship with me than your mother so I must be doing something right."

"Yeah; you don't care if I don't call or come around," she quipped.

"I care," Jim said seriously. "I just know it doesn't do any good to mention it. You're grown up; you're busy, you have your job and a man in your life; you don't want or need your old man around too much. I get it, I accept it, it's fine."

"Wow," Kate said as her gaze remained upon him; "You're really getting the hang of Mom's knack for guilt.

"Oh I didn't learn that from your mother; I learned that from _my_ mother," he remarked. "It's all true though; I know how it is and I make my peace with it. Your mother can't yet but I have."

"You think I'm a bad daughter."

"No, not at all," Jim said. "I love you with all my heart…its just that you're sometimes an absent daughter; and I'm not talking about just since your mother's been home; I'm talking about your whole adulthood. It must be that 'I don't want to be needed too much' thing you mentioned earlier."

"Dad, it isn't like that!"

"Katie; there have been times when I've had to Google your name just find out what the hell is going on in your world. I didn't even know your apartment blew up until I saw it on the news and nearly had a heart attack. You try to protect me and only end up making it worse by letting me hear things from strangers on TV. I know why you do it; I'm not stupid."

"I didn't know you read minds, Dad; please enlighten me."

Jim gave her a stern look. "You always pull the smart ass card when someone's hitting too close to the truth, don't you?"

Kate raked a hand through her hair. "If I don't notify you of things as fast you'd like it's because I'm busy, okay? You know I would've had no choice but to tell you about my apartment because I had to move back in here for a few weeks. Some things I don't want you to know; I have a dangerous job, I know you worry enough and I don't need to call you up and say 'hey, Dad; I dodged a few bullets today and some low life insinuated he'd like to screw me before I arrest him, how was your day?' I'm not a little girl; I don't need to tell you everything about my life."

"I didn't say you did," he retorted. "All I was saying was that there are times when important things should be told to me by you, not some newscaster or one of your colleagues. I know you have a dangerous job; I'm surprised I don't have an ulcer from thinking about it all these years; but I'm not a child, Katie. I don't need you to protect me from the evils of the world; I know what's out there, I've been in it longer than you and I've seen plenty of it in the courtroom. My point was that sometimes I do need to know things, and maybe you don't like that but that's too bad. You're my kid; if something's wrong in your life I want to know about it so I can offer to help you; whether it be just sitting beside you quietly in support or helping you fight something, helping you move or whatever the case may be. I'm your father, that's my job. You think you don't need anyone, but you do…and I know that part of the reason you don't tell me things is because of the past; you have the same fear your mother does; you're afraid something you do or say or go through might make me go pick up a drink…"

Kate shook her head furiously. "No! I know you won't do that. I have faith in you! Mom is the one with a problem, not me!"

"Katie," he said calmly; "It's alright if you worry about it and I know you do. It's normal; even after all this time. I don't hold it against you; I just like to remind you once in awhile that I'm fine; I'm not going to slip up. I can handle what life throws at me without that vice. You're always going to worry about it and I'm sorry for that; I really am…but I don't want you to use it as a reason to keep things about your life from me."

"I don't," she said harshly but he could see the sheen of tears in her eyes. "Why are you dragging this up? I'm not the one with an issue. We already went through all of this and dealt with it years ago. Your wife is the one who needs the lecture; she's the one who blew the lid off of this one. She's the one who constantly worries that if she does something she's going to drive you back to it. Lecture her, not me."

"You worry about her doing it too," Jim said; "And you can't deny that; you pretty much confessed to it last night when you said you weren't going to let her destroy me again. But there's one thing you need to keep straight and so does she; no one destroyed me but myself. I made the choices; not her or you. It was me and I have no desire to do it again. The roles keep getting reversed, Katie; you keep thinking you have to be the caretaker and the protector of everyone; but you don't. You don't have to protect me from the bad things in your life; you don't have to protect me from your mother's actions…you don't have to push her away because you're afraid of getting too close to her and getting hurt again. I'm not going to backslide and she's not going to leave you. You need to let go a little…you need to be a little more honest with yourself about why you do the things you do."

Kate pushed her chair back from the table. "I'm done here. I didn't come here for a lecture. I came to keep you company because she's off having her hissy fit for the second night and I didn't want you to be lonely. Clearly you're fine so I'm going to go."

"Sit down," he told her. "We're not done."

"Yeah; I think we are."

"No we're not. Can you ever just have a serious conversation without running, Katie?"

She whirled around to face him. "I have plenty of serious conversations."

Jim nodded. "Yeah; and they always have to be on your terms…you can't ever just sit and listen on someone else's terms, can you? That's why your mother tip toes around you; she's so afraid to rock the boat, that one wrong step and she'll lose you'll completely."

"She didn't seem too worried when she called me from the market and told me what she thought…she didn't seem too worried when she told me my clothes were ugly either."

"That goes to show how angry she was…because if she hadn't been so riled; she wouldn't have struck back at you. She's too worried about being able to hold on to you. I wasn't trying to upset you by having this conversation; it just felt like one that needed to be had."

"Well I don't want to have it, Dad!" she yelled. "We already had all the conversations we need to have about your past drinking habits. I know all about it; I went through it with you. We already went through it, dealt with it and moved on and now Hurricane Johanna has to blow through and bring it all up again, rip open the wounds and we're all supposed to go through it again because she can't just deal with it like a normal person. I don't want to do it again and I shouldn't have to. This is her problem, let her deal with it; and while you're at it, quit babying her and making excuses for her and maybe she'll settle down and be the person she used to be and then she won't have to worry about seeing me because I'll be more inclined to come around; until then she'll get what I can give and if that isn't enough that's too damn bad; because I didn't get nearly enough of her for thirteen years of my life but I learned to deal with it!"

Jim allowed silence to fall for a long minute as he watched his daughter pace the length of the kitchen. "I changed my mind."

"About what?" she nearly spat.

"Our deal…don't come for dinner Sunday."

"Why the hell not?"

"Because it's wrong," Jim answered; "And if Johanna found out I made a deal to get you here for her, it would hurt her and she'd be rightfully angry with me. I didn't intend to uphold my end of the deal anyway; I just told you I would, I was lying. Don't come."

"Oh I'm coming," she said; "I'm going to be here at four."

He shook his head. "I'm taking her out to dinner on Sunday and we don't like a third wheel on our dates."

"Well you better just cancel it," Kate retorted; "Because I'm coming over and there better be cupcakes for dessert; so you better just make sure you inspire her to bake; that is if she ever drags herself home. With her little day out plans with Valerie and dinners and all of that being thrown for her, she might want to linger there and bask in it for awhile. So instead of lecturing me, maybe you ought think about what you're going to do if she calls with another excuse tomorrow."

Jim blew out a breath; how did he always lose control of situations involving the women in his life? "Thank for dinner, Katie; I appreciated it."

"You have a funny way of showing it," she remarked as she stalked to his side and kissed his cheek. "I love you but I'm going home now."

He gave a nod. "I love you too; be careful."

She muttered a promise to text him when she got home as she pulled on her coat and headed for the door. Jim watched her go; wondering if he had done any harm to his relationship with her…and wondering if she was right and Johanna would find some excuse to stay away for a third night. He didn't like the thought of that at all.

* * *

It was after midnight and Johanna was still wide awake and unable to settle her mind enough to sleep. She reached for her phone and thought about texting her husband but she hesitated; she had just talked to him two hours before and he might be asleep. She sighed, her finger hovering over the screen, her mind debating whether to text or not. After five minutes she decided to hold off, a thought coming to mind as she opened the browser on her phone and searched through the bookmarks. She hadn't checked Vixen's blog since coming back from Bridget's.

The page loaded and she quickly found the last post she recalled reading, the one that had mentioned her food allergy and she looked to see if Vixen had replied to the comment she had left about how irresponsible it was to announce a person's allergy to the world. Sure enough there was a response waiting for her.

" _I don't owe Johanna Beckett any loyalty; in my opinion no ones does after the things she's done. If she doesn't want people to know that she has a food allergy then she should take greater pains to keep it a secret. If I seem to have an axe to grind maybe it's because I hate the kind of person she is and always has been. Her comeuppance has been a long time coming and I don't have to prove anything to anyone. I believe my knowledge of her personal details more than prove that I'm privy to who she is."_

Johanna tapped the reply button. _"Okay, so she's a horrible person in your opinion; but why is it so important that you be the one to broadcast and be part of this so called comeuppance that you feel she's in need of? What exactly did she do to you that makes you feel so strongly about her? Did she steal your job? Your boyfriend? Did she hurt you somehow? I'm interested in your motivation for all of this; it must take a lot of energy that you could expend elsewhere."_

After finishing her reply, Johanna tapped the button to post the comment and then she scrolled back to the top of the page so she could look through the most recent posts. Her stomach dipped as she read the headline on the latest postings which appeared to be a series chronicling the last several days.

" _Trouble in paradise?"_

Her eyes scanned the post, taking note of every detail; Vixen had noted that Jim had returned home without her that Monday morning but had brought her back to the house that afternoon. She had reported that Jim left the house 'in a huff', she described to her readers, shortly after delivering Johanna home. She also mentioned his late night return home. Even more damning was the information that Jim had attended a card game that evening…which only went to prove that someone close to them or close to one of their friends was behind the blog. The post went on, describing her solo trip to the market, her run in with the reporter. There was mention of spotting Kate paying a visit to the house that same day.

Johanna's heart pounded as Vixen reported that she had been seen leaving her home with an overnight bag and had yet to return.

" _So is runaway Johanna Beckett on the lam again?"_ Vixen wrote. _"Has the honeymoon bubble finally burst? It certainly seems like her home is far from the happy place she wants everyone to believe it is. After all, a woman who spent so many years separated from her husband shouldn't be so eager to leave their home for days, now should she? Unless of course she didn't have a choice; perhaps Jim Beckett has finally come to his senses and put her out on the street where she belongs. A man can only take so much and no one can deny that his wife has put him through the wringer; he deserves so much better. He was a kind soul to try and make it work but perhaps it's just an impossible task; a thirteen year separation isn't easily gotten over despite any chemistry that may still linger. Hopefully he's breaking free of the ties that bind him to her and will able to go on and find happiness. He certainly deserves to after what he's had to put up with…but on the other hand, he's known to be a fool for her so chances are just as high that he'll take her back…as always."_

The phone shook in Johanna's trembling hand and she had to force herself not to respond to the posts and made herself focus on the rest of the blog. Vixen had made sure to mention that the woman she had been seen leaving with matched the description of her sister-in-law. There was even a mention of her being spotted out and about with her sister-in-law that day and while she hadn't scoured the news sites to see if anyone had gotten a picture or reported seeing her, she knew there was one person who had.

Sharon had seen her at the restaurant; they hadn't spoken but they had known that each other was there. Sharon would've known that the woman she was with was her sister-in-law. Sharon had seen her at the market that day the reporter had caught her in the parking lot. The card game Jim had attended was at Sharon's house and Sharon knew what time he had left and that he had been in a bad mood. It all felt so damning…all of these recent events that had been reported had a Sharon sighting connected to them. She had figured that Vixen had a partner and that the partner must live close enough to spy on her but her stomach twisted and turned queasy. It was looking more and more likely that Vixen was Sharon…and she wasn't sure she could bear the betrayal.

The logical side of her mind worked furiously trying to remind her that she still had a lot of work to do to unmask Vixen's identity…but she just couldn't shake the feeling that she already knew. Maybe it was why Sharon hadn't called; she knew what she was doing…it would be too hard to hide her smear campaign if she accidentally reported something said in a private conversation between them. She felt sick and she hurriedly closed the window so that the blog could no longer be seen. She could take it if it was anyone else…she could even take it if it was Colleen; but if it was Sharon; that would be a hard blow to take…and when she knew for sure it was her; she'd have to take her down and it wouldn't give her any sense of pride; it would be a hollow victory at best.

Johanna sighed and curled onto her side, her thumb tapping the icon to open her text box; she'd send a message to her husband after all. She couldn't tell him about the blog but maybe their small talk could ease her mind if he was still awake.

 _Author's note: Johanna returns home in the next chapter but will it be the homecoming she wants?_


	24. Chapter 24

_Author's Note: Thanks for your reviews! As I worked on the last chapter and this one, my characters took on a very stubborn mind of their own and changed the game plan; they refused to be swayed so I've allowed them to have their way. The good news is that means I already have scenes finished for the next chapter. I may also do some smaller chapters as I carefully re-plan things to deal with the changes._

Chapter 24- I Can't Tell You Why- Part 1

"We make it harder than it has to be and I can't tell you why" – The Eagles

A feeling of anxiousness filled Jim's stomach as he hurried up the steps of his home and shoved the key into the lock of the door. Johanna should be home; she had promised to be back from Frankie's before he got home…and after two days of not seeing her, he couldn't stand the wait any longer. He pushed open the door and dropped his briefcase and keys on the stand in the entry way and hurriedly shrugged out of his coat. "Johanna," he called out, making his way into the living room but it was empty; the TV off and everything as he had left it that morning. It dawned on him then that the whole house carried an air of silence and his stomach dipped. She had come home, hadn't she? He left the room and headed for the kitchen…but he didn't find his wife preparing dinner; he didn't see her at the table absorbed in some book with a cup of tea within reach. The sink was still full of dishes; the counter tops still in the slight disarray he had left them in.

Jim frowned as he stood in the kitchen; Johanna wouldn't have come home and left things the way they were. He knew her, she would've rolled up her sleeves and started cleaning and then chastened him for how he had lived in her absence when he got home. He didn't want to believe that she had broken her promise to come home so he abandoned the kitchen and stalked off to their office but found it just as void of her presence as the rest of the downstairs. His stomach clenched, a feeling of irritation and anger slowly awakening in his veins once again as he headed for the stairs but he pushed it away. Maybe she had been tired and had gone upstairs to catch a quick nap.

"Jo," Jim called out as he reached the top of the stairs. No answer greeted his ears; the bathroom door was ajar but the light was off; he pushed it open anyway to see if she was merely empting the hamper but she wasn't to be found. "Jo," he said more gruffly as he continued down the hallway.

Silence met his ears once more and as he entered the bedroom he found it empty of her presence. She wasn't there…she lied to him…again. He sank down on the foot of the bed, his hands clasped and his head lowered as the silence washed over him. He didn't even bother to pull his phone from his pocket and check the tracking app, not wanting to see the proof that she wasn't coming home; he could see that for himself; after all, she was supposed to already be there and she wasn't. She'd call later with another excuse to stay away, just like Kate had insinuated the night before…and she'd keep finding those excuses until one day there would be no need of them, they'd both just know.

He supposed he couldn't blame all of this mess on her though; he and Katie had been the ones to tell her that she was unneeded. Was a woman supposed to stay with that thought in her mind? If the shoe was on the other foot and he was told that he wasn't needed, he wouldn't want to stick around for an encore either. But still, her leaving hurt deeply and anger surged in his veins but at least it wasn't like last time, he mused. This time he wasn't being told a horror story that would haunt him; he wouldn't have to bury anything. She was alive and well…and apparently happier living at her brother's home.

His earlier thought that he couldn't blame her suddenly turned sharply and he began to blame her even more than he had before. This _was_ all her fault for the stupid way she had acted over a glass of wine. It was her fault…just like it was her fault that she had let him think she was dead for thirteen years because she couldn't open her mouth and tell him the truth in those last minutes they had spent together that day in January. He would've made her go, no doubt about that, but she could've told him. She could've hid a note for him to find…but she didn't. Everything that had been wrong in the past thirteen years was her fault, his drinking, Katie's disintegration into the hardened being she was today, the emptiness of the years that had passed. It was all her fault and despite all the love and support he could give, despite taking her back with no qualms, she still kept finding ways to foul up everything, to keep rubbing salt into the wounds.

Had she always had those qualities and he had just forgotten because he had colored her memory with the same rose colored glasses their daughter had wore during those thirteen years? Jim didn't want to think about that and yet the thought was there…along with that bitter feeling of blame that welled up within him. He didn't want to think about these things; he didn't want to feel them…and yet he did; all because she had broken her promise to be there when he got home.

Jim was so absorbed in his thoughts that he didn't hear the sound of Johanna's boots as they hurried down the hallway and across the threshold of the bedroom. His head jerked upwards, the presence of his wife filling his line of vision as she sat down her shopping bags and overnight bag. "Where the hell have you been?" he asked; his voice harsher than he intended. "You were supposed to be here when I got home."

Johanna looked slightly startled by his abrupt tone as she laid her purse on the dresser. "I'm only a few minutes late," she said gently. "Valerie's car wouldn't start; I had to wait on Frankie to drive me home."

"And you couldn't pick up the damn phone and call?"

It was on the tip of her tongue to ask why he hadn't just tracked her but she bit back that response, not wanting to spill the beans about that secret just yet. "I was about to call you when he pulled in; I figured you'd allow me a few extra minutes to get home in case there was traffic. I'm sorry."

"You always are," he muttered as he got up from the bed and headed for the door.

"Jim," she called after him as she followed him. "Where are you going?"

"Out."

"Why? I thought we were going to talk and put this behind us," she said as paused at the top of the stairs. "I didn't break our deal; I came home like I said I would; I've kept you posted about everywhere I went. I did what you asked…things seemed like they were better when we talked on the phone…don't be mad because I'm a few minutes late; I'm sorry it wasn't something I intended…and really it isn't that unusual for me to be late."

"Yeah, I know," he said bitterly. "Kind of like that dinner you were thirteen years late for, right?"

His words slammed into her, a blow against the soul so strong that she gripped the railing in fear of the words knocking her from her feet. She struggled to find words as she fought against the lump forming in her throat, threatening to cut off her breath. The only word she was able to murmur was his name and it came out so softly that she would've swore he hadn't even heard it if it hadn't been for the grimace on his face when the sound hit his ears.

Jim glanced at her, anguish and regret on his face as he realized that he had obliterated the end terms of their deal for her temporary stay away from home. He had agreed that they'd talk and put it behind him; but his ire was easily stoked by her lateness and now it felt like he couldn't give her what she wanted. He couldn't talk when he was feeling things that he knew deep down were far too harsh. "I can't be here right now," he stated; his tone cold and unfeeling even to his own ears. "I just can't be here."

"Please don't go," Johanna said softly.

"I need to…you had your time; I need mine."

"That time was for both of us," she reminded him. "Space so we could get past this; you set the limit and I followed it…we had two days; we were going to get past this tonight."

"I need more time," Jim said; looking away from her, hating himself for his sudden turn of face. He didn't want to feel this way and yet he didn't seem able to stop it."I just need a little more time."

"Do you want me to go?" she asked, unable to keep sadness and disappointment from leaking into her voice. "I can go stay in a hotel; I don't want to bother Frankie and Valerie with another night at their place."

He shook his head. "No; you stay…I'll go."

"When will you be back?"

"I don't know."

"Where are you going to go?"

"I don't know."

"Jim," she pleaded.

"Just let me go, Johanna," he said quietly.

Reluctantly she nodded, watching him go as an odd sense of numbness filled her body. She lowered herself to sit on the top step, able to see the entry way as Jim pulled on his coat and grabbed his keys without a backward glance. He left her without another word, without any knowledge at all. She expected tears and none came; there was nothing but that feeling of being numb and she wasn't sure if it was a blessing or a curse.

* * *

Jim had been at Jeff's for over two hours when his phone rang. He took it from his pocket and saw his wife's name on the screen and declined the call; regretting it as soon as he did it but he forced himself to put the phone back in his pocket anyway, telling himself that she was fine and just wanted him to come home but he wasn't ready yet.

Jeff eyed him while chalking his cue stick; deciding maybe now was the time to quit tiptoeing around the discussion of his friend's visit. "So?" he asked. "Do you want to tell me why you're here instead of at home with your wife? You were pretty anxious to get out of the office and get home to her earlier."

"Yeah; I know," Jim replied as he eyed the balls on the pool table, looking for the best angle to make his shot. "She was supposed to be there when I got home."

"But she wasn't?" Jeff asked.

"No; she was late."

"How late?"

"Long enough for me to think a bunch of stupid things," he replied as he finally took his shot.

"So two seconds?" Jeff quipped.

Jim managed a small smile. "More like five to ten minutes after I got home."

"And?"

"And I got mad, said harsh things and left."

"Why?" his friend asked. "Why did a few minutes of lateness end up with you getting so mad that you'd leave?"

"I don't know," he answered. "I just felt like she lied to me…and my brain translated that into 'lying to me again' because of her leaving in the past; and I know she had to do that. But the other day when she left with Valerie she sent me that text and it implied that she'd only be out for a couple of hours and then I go home and find a note that says she's not coming back that night and it just brought up a horde of bad memories. Then she said she'd be there today when I got home and she wasn't and I just got so angry and started thinking that she lies to me and that she wants out…I don't know why I did that; it wasn't something I wanted to do. Believe me, I don't feel great about it…she was asking me not to go and I told her I couldn't be there, that I needed more time away from her."

"When your phone rang a few minutes ago, was it Jo?"

"Yeah."

"And you didn't answer it."

"No."

"Why?"

"I don't know," Jim exclaimed as he paced the length of the pool table in Jeff's rec room.

"Jim; what's going on with you?" his friend asked. "You wanted her to come home, you wanted to get past the issue you were already having and then because she's a few minutes late you blow up again. Did you give her a chance to explain why she was late?"

"Valerie's car wouldn't start so she had to wait on Frankie to drive her home," he answered.

"That seems like a reasonable excuse for being a few minutes late," Jeff remarked.

"It is; but all I could think about was that she didn't call to tell me and for the minutes that she wasn't there, I kept having those stupid thoughts of her being a liar."

Jeff blew out a breath as he finally took his turn at the pool table. "Is that how you really see her or is this some kind of crap you haven't dealt with yet that's breaking loose because of the fight over the glass of wine?"

"I don't think she's a liar…but it seems to be a knee jerk response if she doesn't do something she says she will and I don't want to think that way. She had to lie all those years ago; that was a necessity to keep her safe and to keep us safe…and I hate when that creeps up and makes me turn it into something ugly. She didn't do it on purpose and yet it comes up sometimes…and I don't know why."

"Because you're still mad about it," Jeff answered; "And it's okay to be mad about it; but be mad about it for the right reasons. Be mad at the people who put her in that position where she had to lie…because we both know that Jo doesn't lie to you about major things; she never has before. Sure she's lied about little things like all wives; the cost of a dress, the ding in the car, a gift that wasn't all that but she pretends to like it anyway. But I don't think she's ever willingly lied about something major to you, has she?"

"No; not that I'm aware of."

"And let's not forget that you're not perfect either," Jeff went on; "You've lied to her before, haven't you?"

"Yes," he breathed.

"And the things you lied to her about; would she be happy to hear the truth about them?"

"No…she'd be furious and hurt…you know that."

"I know," Jeff remarked as he eyed him. "Do you really think Jo purposely wanted to be late coming home today? Do you really think she wants out of your marriage? Because if you do, you're crazy. She waited all that time to get back here to you; she was faithful to you, she put up with everything you threw at her, telling her you regretted marrying her, flying into a jealous rage over a stupid phone call, getting mad when she bought a car. She takes it all and forgives you every single time because she loves you; she doesn't want out, Jim; she's just trying to figure things out, she's trying to breathe. What are you trying to do?"

"I don't know…I guess a part of me thinks if she's away from me for so many hours that it means she's not coming back and I know it's not rational and it makes me angry; at myself and at her. I just…I don't ever want to have to feel that way again," he remarked. "I don't want to lose her ever again. I just want to know where she is every second and I know that's not rational either but I just can't seem to help it yet. I know, it makes me sound like an ass; and every time I turn around ever since this fight about the drink came about, I'm being an ass to her."

"Do you think maybe you're trying to punish her for having that bad reaction? We both know you were mad about it; that she touched a raw nerve but maybe you're trying to punish her for the reaction…and maybe when you got mad at her about the reaction, you also got mad about her role in you having that issue."

"It wasn't her fault; it was mine, I made the choice."

"Oh we all know that; you blaming Jo is like me blaming Maggie…we could've found better ways to deal with our issues but we didn't…but there could still be that little part that blames the woman involved. It doesn't have to be logical…it just has to be dealt with."

"I don't feel like I'm mad about her role in all that; I was just mad that she reacted the way she did; I don't know how to explain it but it just made me so angry and irritated…and ever since then I've been acting like an ass like I said."

"Except for when she went to stay at her brother's," Jeff replied; "That seemed to cool your heels."

"Yeah, it did…but only after I got mad about that too."

His friend nodded. "Maybe you'd stop getting mad if you talked to her about the stuff that still bugs you; tell her it's okay to discuss her worries about your past drinking habits; help her learn what she's supposed to do…explain why you're hanging on to her so tight. I mean I'm sure it's nothing she doesn't already know but maybe it would make you feel better to get it off your chest."

"Yeah but the only problem with that is that lately every time I open my mouth around her, things I shouldn't say fall out of it."

Jeff gave a short laugh. "Buddy, you've always had that problem when Sassy gets you riled up. Even when she's trying to tone things down, you stick your foot in your mouth."

"I know…there are times when I think I have that under control and then suddenly it's like a rash that just keeps spreading."

"We need you to find you a prescription for that," Jeff quipped.

Jim scoffed. "I don't think they make anything for stupidity…it's one of those diseases you just learn to live with when it flares up."

Jeff chuckled. "That's true; we've all had the rash of stupidity…you've got to find some way to slow the spread of yours though, Jim. You don't want to end up pushing her away…you don't want to make her feel like you don't want her at home."

"I know and I keep screwing up; it's like that one bad reaction of hers about the wine just blew everything to hell and back."

"It's nothing that can't be fixed though," Jeff replied. "All you two need to do is have some serious talks about what you feel and how she feels. You might just be having a little bit of growing pains so to speak; you know…kind of like when you get through those first few months of marriage and everything is nice and then bam, you piss her off and she goes home to her mother."

Jim laughed. "That kind of makes sense."

"I have my moments," his friend said lightly. "But seriously; maybe you both just have some things that still bug you and now that things are settling a little, they're coming out and need dealt with. It'll be fine if you just lay it out for her; I'm sure she'd understand…and maybe if you convince her that it's okay for her to tell you how she feels about certain things, like drinking in front of you; she'll feel better about telling you what's on her mind and you'll get that out of the way."

"I know…but like I said; I go to say one thing and the opposite comes out…she's always done that to me; she brings out the best in me but also the worst at times."

"We all know that," Jeff replied; "You do the same for her."

"Yeah; that's the truth," Jim remarked.

"But you have to do it anyway," his friend replied. "You love her enough to try to keep your foot out of your mouth and have a feel serious conversations, don't you?"

"Of course I do; I just have to get that stupidity thing under control. I don't want to be mad; I don't want to keep dwelling on the past and yet it sneaks up on me at times and I don't realize I've said something I shouldn't until she gets that look on her face like I just ripped her heart out."

"Sassy hit a soft spot when you got back from vacation; she didn't mean to but she did and because of that; you can't seem to get a hold of your emotions but you're going to have to try harder. You've both been through some hard things but you can't let it keep snowballing. You've never been the most rational being when it comes to her; you fly off the handle and she's probably used that but with the way things are right now; you've just got to try to keep a little more control on yourself and a little less on her."

"I know," he sighed; "You're right and I hate when that happens."

Jeff laughed. "I feel the same way about you. I'm going to call my wife and tell her to make herself useful and bring home some dinner for us; how does that sound?"

"Food always sounds good to me," Jim remarked. "Maybe it'll help somehow."

"We can only hope," his friend remarked.

* * *

Melanie waltzed through the backdoor with a flourish despite the bags of food she carried; a wide bright smile on her red painted lips. "It's so nice to have company for dinner," she declared as she deposited the bags on the counter and pulled off her black gloves, dropping them and her handbag on the counter as well. "Especially when it's you, Jim."

Jim shifted on his feet a little, glancing at Jeff who only smirked in response. "I'm glad you don't mind an uninvited guest," he managed to answer, accepting the soda that his friend took from the fridge as he got his own drink.

"Oh of course not," Melanie cooed, her hand brushing his arm as she walked past him to the cupboard where she keep a stack of paper plates. "We're always glad to have you."

"Where have you been all day, Melanie?" Jeff asked as he and Jim drifted to the table and sat down.

Melanie's eyes narrowed as she glanced at him. "I was at the office; where do you think I was?"

"I don't know; you tell me? I called and they said you hadn't been in today…as a matter of fact, they said you hadn't been in all week," Jeff remarked.

"Whoever said that is a liar," Melanie replied as she turned to the bags of food and began taking out the containers. "I go in my usual half day and then leave at lunch time, you know that."

"And then what?" he asked.

"And then I amused myself as usual," she replied flippantly. "Really; what am I supposed to do? I have one of the most boring jobs in the universe; sitting in a little office reading documents for rich people who think they pay me an adequate wage."

"They do pay you an adequate wage," Jeff stated; "Especially for as little as you do."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing," he said; "Just forget it; but if you don't like your job, go back to practicing law."

"You know I can't," she said tartly.

Jeff smiled a little. "Oh yeah, that's right; you can't…you lost your license…something about fraudulent billing practices, wasn't it?"

"They couldn't prove it," she sniffed.

"No they couldn't prove it enough to convict you but they made a compelling case to the bar…enough to take your license…of course the billing practices weren't the only complaints, were they?"

"Hush," Melanie said with a flick of her wrist; "We don't need to discuss this in front of company. Besides it was all nonsense anyway and I don't care about not being able to practice law; that's utterly boring after awhile too. I only ever did it for the money."

"Like most things," Jeff murmured to Jim.

"What was that?" she asked.

"Nothing."

"That's what I thought," she said as she piled the plates with food from the take out containers. "Anyway, I was just saying the other day to Jeffery that I don't understand why we don't have dinner guests more often."

"For some reason people keep declining our invitations, dear," Jeff said somewhat sarcastically.

"Their loss," Melanie replied, brushing up against Jim as she sat his plate down in front of him. "At least Jim doesn't have any qualms about dining with us."

Jim was starting to wonder if he should have qualms about it as he opened up the package of plastic utensils that had been included with the meal.

"Jim's never been picky about who he eats with," Jeff quipped.

Melanie smirked a little at her husband as she put his plate down as well but then she shifted her attention back to their guest. "Remember when he'd have lunch together sometimes, Jim?"

"Yeah," he answered; remembering that it was usually because he was trying to spite Johanna. "That was a long time ago."

" _Too_ long," she remarked as she joined them at the table with her plate of food; a smile clinging to her lips. "Where is Johanna tonight? Didn't she want to join us? I can't imagine you'd turn down a meal she was cooking at home for takeout; after all, you always bragged to everyone that she was such an incredible cook."

"She is an incredible cook," Jim stated. "Nothing's changed."

"Well where is she?"

"She's at Katie's," he lied. "They're having a girls night."

"A girls night?" Melanie said; disbelief in her tone. "Isn't that something Katie would rather have with women her own age? I mean no one wants their mother tagging along for a night out on the town."

"They're not going out on the town; they're staying in," Jim replied. "Katie loves her mother; there's nothing wrong with them spending some time together without me around to chaperone."

"Well of course there isn't anything wrong with it…it just seems odd to have a girls night on a weeknight…seems more like a weekend activity."

"Katie's not off every weekend; there's a rotation for those shifts," he explained.

"Besides," Jeff chimed in; "Jo and Katie have lost time to make up for and they don't get to see each other as much now that she's back home with Jim."

"Yes; I suppose that's true," Melanie commented. "I suppose Johanna has to take her opportunities when she's given the privilege. I hear they don't get along all that well."

"Maybe you heard wrong," Jim said. "Johanna and Katie are a typical mother and daughter. They have their squabbles but they're always resolved after a day or so and they go back to the way things were. They love each other very much."

A small unbelieving smile lingered on Melanie's lips. "I know they were always very attached when Katie was younger…Johanna did take a lot of time off after she was born."

"She took off ten weeks," Jim replied; "Katie was born in November and Johanna went back to work at the beginning of February. Roche had already offered an eight week leave instead of the typical six to other female employees…he offered Johanna an extra two weeks because she hadn't used that amount of her vacation time for the year; it expired at the start of the new year but given that she was a new mother, he told her she could have it anyway if she wanted it so she took it."

"I'm glad he didn't make me that offer," she declared. "I was back at work after four weeks; I could stand the boredom for another second."

"Johanna has always enjoyed being a mother," he remarked.

"Yes, I know; sometimes I wondered how she had any time for you at all between work and Katie…of course, maybe that's why Katie is an only child."

Jim smiled. "Oh I can assure she isn't an only child from lack of effort. Johanna has always made plenty of time for me."

The comment wiped the smile off Melanie's lips but brought a grin to Jeff's. "No one with sense doubts that," Jeff remarked.

"Anyway," Melanie went on; "Johanna took off a good bit of time after the firm downsized too, didn't she?"

"About three and a half months until she started at Mark and Cathy's firm; it took that long for them to be ready to open," Jim answered; "But I'm glad she had that summer to be a stay at home mother; she enjoyed it and so did Katie. Because of those times when she took breaks, Johanna can say she had the best of both worlds; she's been a working mom and she's also been a stay-at-home mom at times. Since we're apparently on the subject; she also took time off when Katie had her tonsils out and she always arranged her schedule to go on field trips with her; so the point I think you're getting at is, yes, Johanna was always a hands on mother to our daughter."

"There is such a thing as too much attachment," Melanie stated. "I didn't hover over my kids like Johanna did…that attachment is probably why Katie didn't deal well with things."

Jim eyed her. "Was she supposed to deal well with the thought that her mother was dead, Melanie?"

"No of course not; but she never stopped mourning…and then to find out you've spent all that time mourning someone that wasn't even dead; well I can't imagine that she doesn't have some issues from all of it."

"Katie's fine," he said firmly. "How are your children?"

"Oh I guess they're fine; I haven't heard otherwise," Melanie said nonchalantly.

"Don't they ever visit?" Jim asked.

Melanie laughed. "Oh once in awhile but not too often; I couldn't stand it if they all crowded around to much."

"Do you even know where they're at?" Jim inquired.

"Of course…at least I think so," she answered. "Charlie is in Chicago; he's a CPA which is utterly mundane; I don't know why the hell he'd want a job like that but so be it. He always was a little nerdy."

"He's your son," Jeff said firmly. "He's a CPA because he's good with numbers."

"Just because he's my son doesn't mean he isn't a little nerdy," Melanie retorted. "Charlie's a nice boy but he is nerdy…I don't know how it happened; he certainly didn't get it from me…even Charles was always very suave."

"Is he married?" Jim asked.

Melanie shrugged. "I don't know; he was engaged to some little mouse of a girl a few years ago when I last saw him; I think her name was Jenny. I don't know if they ever went through with it or not."

"What about the girls?" he questioned; wondering how a mother could be so blasé about her children.

She sighed. "I believe Melissa is in Atlanta; as far as I know she's a teacher; I swear I don't know how I ended up with such mundane children."

"Is she married or have children?"

"I guess she's married," Melanie answered. "She sent me a wedding invitation but I didn't go."

"Why not?"

"Well Jeffery and I were going on vacation the week of her wedding; I wasn't going to give up my trip to Bora Bora for a silly wedding," she laughed.

"I told you we could reschedule the trip for a few weeks later," Jeff replied. "It wouldn't have been an issue. In fact I'm pretty sure I even called the travel agent to confirm that and they said it wouldn't be a problem. I wanted you to go to her wedding."

"Weddings are a dime a dozen," Melanie retorted. "We had planned that vacation for months and nothing was going to stop me from going, not even you, which is why I went alone when you got so uptight about me missing that damn wedding. You don't even know Melissa so I don't know why you cared enough to boycott our vacation over it."

"I cared for the same reason I cared when Chrissy didn't invite Maggie to her wedding; it was wrong. Maggie should've been at Chrissy's wedding and you should've been at Melissa's, not on some stupid vacation. Did you ever think maybe I wanted to meet her? Maybe you could've had a better relationship with her if you had shown up and acted like a mother for an hour?"

Melanie waved a dismissive hand. "Oh who cares?"

"What about the youngest girl?" Jim asked.

"Last I heard, Amber was in L.A. working for some studio. At least that's what Charlie told me; doing what I couldn't tell you. I haven't seen her since she got out of college and came looking for a handout for an apartment. I told her my days of supporting her were over and she had her nerve to say hateful things to me, like that I wasn't any kind of decent mother; the little bitch. I don't care if I ever lay eyes on that girl again; she was the biggest mistake I ever made. I'm glad I got my tubes tied after she was born."

Jeff shook his head as Jim gave a humorless laugh. "Well I guess for all you know, you could be a grandmother by now."

"Oh God no," Melanie said, her nose wrinkling. "I won't ever be anyone's grandmother even if they do reproduce. I'm not going to have some little rugrat hanging on to my skirt calling me that name. I don't even want to see them, I hate kids."

"Johanna's looking forward to being a grandmother one day in the future," he remarked.

"She would," Melanie retorted. "It would fit that Pollyanna image she always wanted to present."

"She just loves her family," Jim stated; "Even when she was away she did her best to keep track of us; she had a whole file full of articles about Katie that she printed off the internet."

Melanie rolled her eyes but then plastered on a smile. "We'll all have to go out to dinner together some night when Johanna is available. Isn't that a great idea?"

Jim forced a smile to his lips. "Yeah; that would be nice."

"Oh yeah; I'm sure Jo would love that," Jeff quipped.

"We should get reacquainted," Melanie went on; "Put that business of the past behind us since you and Jeff are such good friends. I suppose in my younger days I was a bit petty and Johanna of course was a bit immature but I'm sure we're both better than that now."

"Oh I wouldn't be too sure," Jeff remarked. "You don't seem like you've changed all that much."

"Oh, Jeffery," she laughed; "Isn't he funny, Jim. He always makes me laugh."

"He's a riot," Jim replied; wishing he could get out of this conversation before he committed to something that Johanna would kill him for.

"But really, Jim; we should all go out sometime soon; maybe before you boys go away on your hunting trip. What do you think? Surely Johanna must be tired of being a recluse by now."

"She's not a recluse, she goes out; I told you she's out right now."

"Alright so she's not a complete recluse, my mistake," Melanie stated; "But do mention it to her; I think it would be great fun."

"Yeah, right up there with must see TV," Jeff said. "Make sure you bring your checkbook, Jim; I have a feeling it could be needed."

"I wouldn't dare leave home without it," Jim replied; catching Jeff's meaning that bail money might be required.

"You will mention it to Johanna, won't you, Jim?" Melanie asked sweetly, reaching across the table to brush her fingers against his wrist.

He pulled his hand away subtly but nodded. "Yeah, I'll mention it."

"Good; we should all be very good friends, at least I think so," she said as her phone rang from the vicinity of the counter. "Please excuse me, boys; I need to get that."

They both smiled and nodded as Melanie hurried to snatch her phone from her purse and then left the room to take her call. "I bet Jo will just be all excited to hear about Melanie's plans of friendship," Jeff remarked.

Jim nodded. "Definitely; she'll be thrilled…if that dinner would ever occur; I'd have to make sure she left her gun at home."

"That would probably be best for all of us," Jeff agreed. "I don't know how good her aim is."

"According to Katie; if she's pretending the target is Melanie, her aim is deadly accurate…every single time."

Jeff's brow rose. "How does she know?"

"Field trip to the shooting range when Jo was living with her."

"Uh huh; definitely leave that at home," Jeff stated.

"Not that Johanna will ever agree to go," Jim remarked. "The hate is still pretty strong and we both know that Melanie is putting on an act."

"Oh yeah; she's laying it on nice and thick for you; our special guest," his friend replied with amusement.

"Johanna's not going to be happy about this whenever she gets around to asking me where I've been tonight."

"Yeah; you might want to take the gun away and keep mentioning that I was here chaperoning you the whole time."

Jim sighed. "I might have to call and have you tell her that if it goes too badly."

"No problem; but you've got to stop throwing your ass into one fire after another or eventually it's going to get burned off, Jim," Jeff remarked with a grin.

"Wouldn't be the first time," he laughed.

* * *

The ticking of the clock sounded loud in the silence of the house, Johanna thought to herself as she washed dishes but what did she expect when it was after midnight? When she had gotten up that morning she hadn't expected that she'd be washing dishes at this time of night that was for sure but she knew it was useless to try and sleep. It was true that she had taken her space…but she had let Jim know where she was, answered his calls and texts and tried to be as gentle as she could about the whole thing which she had only gone through with to give him a chance to cool down. Somehow the plan had spiraled out of control at the last minute…all because she had been a few minutes late. She frowned; it wasn't like him to be controlling like that; to have something so minor and out of her control be a deal breaker.

She had expected to cry when he left but she hadn't…she still hadn't shed a single tear, that odd feeling of being numb still pressing against her as she went through the motions of washing the dishes that her husband had accumulated in her absence. She hadn't bothered to make dinner; why make a meal for just one when she knew very well that she wouldn't be able to eat it anyway. Her mind was too full, her heart too weary. She didn't know where her husband was, when or if he'd return, if he was alright, who he was with. They were the questions that plagued her and she was sure if she ever got the chance to speak them he'd take them the wrong way; she didn't think for a moment that he was in a bar having a drink, allowing old habits to come back into his life. After all, she figured she was enough of an old habit for him to deal with. She just wanted to know that he was alright…but he ignored her call at seven…and her text at ten. He didn't want to talk to her; didn't want her to know where he was or what he was doing and she'd be expected to be fine with that; because in the minds of her husband and daughter, she was always supposed to be fine with whatever they did because that was her punishment for what she had done when she allowed the FBI to hide her away. Everyone was allowed to do or say what they wanted to her and it was to be fine, accepted, overlooked, taken, deserved. She, however, wasn't extended that same courtesy. No, she was supposed to walk on eggshells, never get angry, never make a mistake, never do anything they didn't approve of. She was supposed to ask permission, follow rules, do as she was told…like she was a little girl who needed chaperoned. It wasn't fair and yet it was what her life had become.

Johanna reached into the sudsy dishwater without thought or attention to what she was doing and she wrapped her hand around the sharp blade of a knife. She gasped and let go, feeling a sting of pain as she saw the first streaks of red color the water between the soap bubbles. Slowly she pulled her hand from the water, staring at the gash in her palm and the blood running down her hand. Shouldn't there be a lot of pain? Shouldn't she be crying? The questions fired through her brain as she stood motionless while her hand bled. It did hurt, she could feel it…and yet a little voice whispered 'it's only pain, you're used to it'. It was the truth she mused, she was used to it and the wound in her hand hurt a lot less than the collections she carried on the surface of her heart.

She should do something, the logical side of her brain told her…she needed to do something about the wound but it was as if she couldn't quite think right, the shock of the injury and that feeling of numbness she had been dealing with muddling her thoughts.

"Johanna," Jim spoke with concern at her side, his presence startling her as he reached for her hand.

She wondered where he had come from and why she hadn't heard him come in but she didn't ask, her gaze merely shifting to her injured hand that he had taken hold of.

"Jo," he said gently as she didn't respond to him. "What happened, sweetheart?"

Johanna did her best to shake off the cobwebs littering her mind. "I…I grabbed a knife by the wrong end," she murmured. "It's fine."

"No, it isn't," Jim replied as he hurriedly opened a drawer and took out a clean dish towel that wrapped tightly around her hand in hopes of stopping the bleeding. He pressed against the towel for a moment, hoping the pressure would help. "I'm going to take you to the hospital," he said as he nudged her toward the table. "Sit down while I get your coat and shoes."

"No," she said quietly. "I don't need to go to the hospital."

"Yes you do; you might need stitches."

She shook her head. "It doesn't hurt much."

"It will when the adrenalin subsides; you need to have it checked it's a nasty gash, it looks deep."

"I don't have insurance."

"Don't be ridiculous, I can pay the damn bill," he retorted. "You're going."

"Maybe tomorrow," Johanna replied. "It's late and cold. It'll be fine, I just need a Band-Aid."

"Do you hear yourself!" Jim yelled. "You've got a goddamn gash in your palm, you're bleeding; this isn't a little scratch, you need medical attention. Now I said you're going and that's all there is to it. I know you don't like going out this late but I'll be with you and as for it being cold, there's heat in the car. Now I'm going to get your shoes and coat and I don't want to hear another word about it."

Johanna said nothing, merely sat down on one of the kitchen chairs as he stormed away to collect her belongings. Her hand was starting to throb and the blood staining the towel was making her stomach queasy. She glanced away, it would just figure that she'd injure herself just as her husband decided to come home. The object of her thoughts was back in the room quicker than she had anticipated; her coat, boots and purse in hand. He laid her coat and purse on the table and stooped down to put her shoes on for her. It struck her as if she was being treated like a child and she pulled her feet away, her uninjured hand reaching for her boots. "I can put my own shoes on, I'm not a toddler," she stated, an edge to her tone that made her husband's brow rise.

"I was only going to put them on for you because you're working with one hand at the moment."

"That's all I need," she remarked as she held the boot with one hand and shoved her foot into it and then zipped it, repeating the tactic with other boot only finding it harder to zip since she had to use her opposite hand.

"Can I least help you with that one?" her husband asked.

"I've got it," she muttered as she finally got it zipped.

"Before you get mad, I'm going to help you put your coat on so you don't get blood on it," he told her as he picked it up from the table.

Johanna said nothing as she allowed him to help her into her coat. He buttoned it quickly, his gaze taking in the paleness of her face, wishing he knew what to say to ease the tension between them that he had created when he walked out on her. She wasn't acting like herself…he didn't know what to make of this stoic being in front of him. He grabbed her phone from the table and shoved it into her purse before handing it to her and gently grasped her elbow to lead her through the house and out the front door.

"Why didn't you park out back?" Johanna asked as the cold air slapped her face during the trek down the porch steps; the sidewalk leading out to the street seeming even longer than usual with the crisp November night air wrapping around her.

"To annoy you, Johanna," he snapped before he could stop himself.

She glanced at him as she carefully pulled her elbow from his grasp. "I could just take myself."

"You can't drive with your hand bleeding," he nearly yelled.

"Can you stop yelling at me?"

"Quit giving me reason to and I will."

She pressed her lips together and stood silently as he unlocked the passenger side door of his car. She got in and didn't say a word as he pulled the seatbelt around her and hooked it before shutting the door and rounding the car to get in on the driver's side. She didn't say anything as he started the car, not wanting to anger him further.

He glanced at her as he turned the heat on. "I'm sorry I yelled at you," he told her, his tone softer than it had been.

Johanna gave a nod of acknowledgement but offered no words figuring it was the wisest tactic to follow. Her words only got her into trouble.

"I am, Jo," he said sincerely; his tone gentle but honest. "I didn't mean to yell…it's just that you're hurt, you're bleeding and you want to argue about being cared for. You know I don't deal well with you being sick or injured. I just always want to get you well as soon as possible and you're always so damn stubborn about it."

She said nothing, her gaze fixed on the darkness outside her window. She didn't know what he wanted her to say anyway; was she supposed to apologize? She didn't want to…it seemed petty but she just didn't want to apologize anymore. She owed him an apology for how things had gone when they got home from Bridget's but aside from that she didn't want to give another apology; at least not tonight.

"Jo; please," he said; his tone a mixture of gentle pleading and exasperation.

"It's fine," she murmured; her voice soft but even, surprising herself as her tone didn't waver or crackle with emotion.

Jim fell silent; when a woman said it was fine, it rarely ever was…and his best course of action was to shut up before he dug them an even bigger hole to climb out of.

* * *

As usual with most hospital visits, they had to wait for an hour in the waiting room before Johanna was finally called back to a room to be seen. Jim paced the small length of the floor as his wife sat quietly on the bed. She hadn't said much but he could tell that her hand was throbbing; he could see the proof of it on her face and how she was gingerly favoring her hand that still held his makeshift bandage.

"Are you okay?" he asked her quietly for what he knew was the tenth time since they had gotten there.

"I'm fine," she murmured. "I just want to go home."

"It shouldn't be long now," he replied as he shoved his hands into his pockets.

Johanna hoped not, her hand hurt and so did her head. She was tired and the tension between her and her husband wasn't easy to deal with in such a public setting even if it was the middle of the night. She just wanted to go home, go to bed, hope for better things in the morning although that didn't seem promising with an injured hand. She hadn't bothered to ask Jim where he had been all night; she figured if he wanted her to know he'd tell her and clearly he didn't. It was fine, at this point of the night she was too tired to care where he had spent his time brooding about her five minutes of lateness.

As if he sensed that her thoughts were upon him, Jim moved closer to the bed, his gaze meeting hers. He wanted to say something but he couldn't find the right words. His tongue felt tied and awkward, forcing his mouth to stay closed as he studied her…noticing something different for the first time that day. "You cut your hair," he said accusingly.

Johanna nodded. "Yeah; I did."

"Why?" he asked; a touch of anguish in his tone. "I liked it the way it was!"

"I cut it because I wanted to; it was only a few inches to take it back up to my shoulders and you know I like keeping it layered; it makes my hair look fuller."

"That's in your head," her husband retorted.

"It is not," she snapped. "I like my hair like this, that's why I've been keeping it cut this way since the first time I pissed you off with it; which was about twenty years ago. I let it grow out for awhile at times but then I get it redone; I don't want to deal with long hair anymore."

"It wasn't long; it was just past your shoulders a bit," Jim retorted. "It's never been as long as it used to be since that first time you cut it."

"I like it better this way, Jim. It's my hair; you're not the one who has to tend to it."

"You always cut your hair when you want to piss me off," he stated. "I know how you are."

"Yeah, and I know how you are so while we're here why don't you go get your jackass gene checked because it seems like it might need some medication to help shrink it back down to normal size."

"Funny," he smirked.

"I try," she quipped with a sarcastic smile.

"I just wish you'd leave your damn hair alone."

"Keep it up and tomorrow I dye it blonde."

Jim glared at her. "The day you do that is the day I tie you to a chair and dye it back for you."

She gave a small laugh. "I'd pay to see that."

"Trust me, you wouldn't enjoy it."

"It grows back, Jim; you know that."

"I know," he said quietly. "I just liked how it was…couldn't you have gotten layers and kept the length the same?"

She wrinkled her nose. "I don't think I would've liked that. I like it this way…you should be used to it being this way; it was this way for a long time…I admit when I came home it had already grown out a little but still, you should be used to this cut. Is it really that terrible?"

"No, of course not," Jim stated as he returned to pacing. "You always look beautiful."

"Valerie encouraged me to go through with it; she said I'd probably feel better and more like myself and she was right."

"Valerie's a damn meddler this week."

"Don't go getting an attitude about Valerie; she's all I have as a sister and friend, Jim. She's good for me and you know it."

"That doesn't mean I have to like the things she talks you into."

Johanna met his eye. "Do you realize that you're being a bit controlling this week?"

"I must not be too damn controlling, I let you run away from home for two days."

"I didn't run away and you didn't _let_ me; _I_ made a choice and _we_ came to an agreement about it. Just like _you_ made a choice tonight only there weren't any terms attached to _your_ choice, and that's fine…but don't you think when you get so angry that you have to leave because I was five minutes late that it leans toward the controlling side of things?"

"It wasn't about being controlling; it was about feeling like I was being lied to again!"

"I didn't lie to you!"

Before Jim could respond, a knock sounded at the door. The doctor stepped inside and Jim walked away from the bed; putting some space between them. He was sure the doctor had overheard those last two phrases as he subtly eyed him as he introduced himself to Johanna and gently took hold of her injured hand.

"How did this happen?" the doctor asked kindly as he carefully unwound the towel from Johanna's hand.

"I wasn't paying attention while washing dishes," Johanna answered. "I put my hand down in the water and grabbed a sharp knife by the wrong end."

The doctor glanced up at her. "Washing dishes this late at night?"

"I couldn't sleep," she replied. "I make myself busy."

Jim knew the reason for the questioning; it wasn't only from a medical perspective; it was a way of telling if she was an abused wife who needed to file an assault charge. He didn't like feeling that implication and yet he understood why the doctor might be thinking that if he had overhead their voices right before coming in.

"Some people just read," the doctor said with a smile.

"I tried that; it didn't work," Johanna replied; "And I know what you're getting at; no one did this to me; I did it. I wasn't watching what I was doing and got a hold of that knife by the blade; I had forgotten I dropped it in there with the rest of the silverware."

He smiled. "What makes you think I thought otherwise?"

"I was a lawyer for 25 years; I know how things work," she told him. "I understand why you do it, but I assure you that my husband isn't violent toward me…although I'm sure like most wives, I've probably given him reason to fantasize about it once or twice but he's never acted on it."

He chuckled. "Alright then; I apologize for any offense."

"No offense taken; I understand. It's easier to help the women who need it if you can gain subtle answers."

"Exactly; now I'm going to have to clean this so I can get a better look at it and I'm sorry but it's probably going to hurt a little."

"That's alright, it already hurts," Johanna stated.

"We'll get you something for that," the doctor stated as he moved around the room collecting the supplies he'd need to clean her wound. "When was the last time you had a tetanus shot?"

She frowned. "Why?"

"Because if it's been awhile, you're going to get one," the doctor answered. "I don't know what shape the knife was in, but I do know it was in dish water that you had presumably already had other dirty dishes in and the knife was apparently used and dirty also; we don't want to risk infection from bacteria, now do we?"

"I guess not."

"So how long has it been?" he asked.

She blew out a breath. "A long time."

"What is that in years?"

"Probably about fifteen," she replied, looking to Jim to see if he remembered.

"That sounds about right," Jim answered; "It would've been at the clinic up by the cabin; that rusty nail caught you in the arm and I made you go get one."

Johanna nodded. "Yeah; that was the last time I remember having one."

"Okay," the doctor said; "I'll get this cleaned up and then we'll get you a tetanus shot and something mild for the pain."

"She isn't going to need stitches?" Jim asked.

"Oh she's definitely going to need stitches; I just need to clean away the blood to see what type."

Johanna didn't like the sound of that but she didn't bother to ask as the doctor pulled a stool and tray up to the bed to clean the wound. He didn't lie about it hurting, she mused as he cleaned away the blood and then the wound itself. She closed her eyes, forcing herself not to cry at the sting that was now added to the ache in her hand. She felt Jim's hand take her uninjured one and she squeezed it as he stood as close as possible, his arm slipping around her in a makeshift embrace.

"The good news," the doctor said; "Is that it isn't as deep as I feared. The bad news; it still needs stitches; but that comes with a side of good news too."

"How is that possible?" Johanna muttered; her hand still gripping Jim's.

"We can use liquid stitches on it instead of sewing up the wound," he replied. "I know your hand already hurts but applying the liquid stitches should be largely painless, I promise. I'm going to go get the nurse to give you that shot and something for your pain and I'll be back to put the stitches in, okay?"

"Yeah," she replied; weariness settling over her as she gave in and leaned against her husband.

Despite the tension and the turmoil within him, Jim held her close and kissed the top of her head. "Almost finished, sweetheart."

"I feel so tired all of a sudden," she murmured.

"Your adrenalin is crashing…and it's three in the morning," he explained.

"You're going to be tired for work."

"Won't be the first time," Jim said quietly as his gaze strayed to the wound in her hand. His stomach twisted, thinking about how that wound was inflicted by a knife…it reminded him of the fate that had been planned for her all those years ago…some monster had wanted her to meet her end with the slash of a knife. He felt sick and he forced his eyes to look away as he held her tighter. "We'll be home soon," he whispered just for the sake of talking. "We'll go to bed and I'll go to work an hour or two late; it's no big deal."

"If I'm still asleep, you'll wake me and tell me you're going, won't you?" Johanna asked softly.

"Yes…I promise," he told her, all the while thinking that he wasn't sure he'd be able to bring himself to leave her the next day…not with the thought of knife inflicted wounds on his mind.

* * *

As he drove through the quiet streets of their neighborhood, Jim stole a quick glance at his wife in the passenger seat. It hadn't taken long for Johanna to doze off once they had left the hospital; in fact he wasn't even sure they had been completely out of the parking lot before her eyes had closed. He chalked it up to the mild pain medication and the stress of the last several days but he couldn't help wondering if some small part of her had willed herself to sleep so that they could avoid conversation on the ride home. Either way maybe it was for the best; tensions were high again and he knew that was his fault. He shouldn't have gotten so mad about her being a few minutes late…it had been stupid and yet he hadn't been able to get a hold of his emotions. He still didn't have a hold of them truth be told, he thought to himself as he caught a glimpse of the white bandage wrapped around her hand.

The thought of her wound made his stomach not only queasy but it felt like it had a rock settled in it. Jim forced himself to breathe deeply and exhale; his breath weighted with those feelings as he reminded himself that she was fine. The wound was, thankfully, minor; it had been cleaned, the liquid stitches applied and bandaged; they had given her a tetanus shot, a mild painkiller and instructions for tending to the wound and the stitches…her dish washing days were temporarily over. She'd only be inconvenienced until it was time for the stitches to come off and that would be in about a week…just long enough to annoy her thoroughly.

He could deal with her being annoyed as long as she was fine…and she was fine, he reminded himself once again. She had never been wounded by a knife in the way they had been told she was; she escaped that fate, he needed to remember that…but it was hard to push away what he knew had been planned for her all those years ago; it was hard to see her with a wound inflicted by a knife with that memory in mind. He couldn't stand the thought of her flesh marred in any way but especially by a knife.

Jim forced himself to shake off those thoughts as the house came into view. He circled around and pulled into the driveway so she'd have a shorter distance to go to the door in deference to the late hour. He shut off the car and unbuckled his seatbelt before reaching over and unhooking Johanna's, carefully pulling it away from her body before he gave her a gentle shake. "Johanna," he said; his tone soft so that he wouldn't startle her. "Jo."

"Mhmm?" she murmured.

"Wake up a little, sweetheart; we're home."

She nodded as her sleepy eyes flicked open. Jim got out of the car and hurried around to her side to open the door and help her out of the car. He kept hold of her arm as they made the trek from driveway to the steps leading up to the small porch and back door. He pulled open the screendoor and tugged her inside it, keeping her sheltered between it and himself as he put the key in the lock of the main door. He pushed open the backdoor, glad that he left the kitchen light on so that the house wouldn't be completely dark when they returned. Jim kept his hand at the small of her back and nudged her ahead of him into the house.

"Are you okay?" he asked her as she blinked against the light.

"I'm tired," Johanna murmured. "I don't know why medicine makes me so tired."

"It must just be the way your body is designed," he replied while locking the screendoor and then the backdoor. "You've always been that way; even Advil and Tylenol make you sleepy."

"I know," she answered; her sleepiness making her thoughts feel fuzzy as she remained in place, waiting for him.

"Come on," Jim said as he took her arm once more. "Let's get you to bed."

She went along without question, wanting nothing more than to curl up in her bed and sleep. She should've been in bed hours ago, snuggled up to her husband, nice and warm, their issues behind them. But of course it hadn't gone that way and now she hoped that sleep would not only clear the fuzziness of her brain but also pave the way to a smoother tomorrow. She scoffed to herself as they made their way up the stairs; technically it was already tomorrow and she wasn't all that thrilled with how it had gotten started.

Jim led her into their bedroom and clicked on the lights while she made her way to the dresser to lay down her purse. Johanna unbuttoned her coat with one hand and shrugged it off, tossing it onto the chair to be dealt with later.

"Let me help you get your boots off so you don't hurt your hand," he murmured as he gently nudged her to sit down on the chair.

Johanna did as he asked; too tired to worry about if she was being treated like a child or merely being tended to by her loving husband. He carefully unzipped her boots and pulled them off, setting them aside and giving her leg a soft pat as he murmured instructions for her to stay put and that he'd get her nightgown and help her change for bed. She decided then that despite his anger with her that he was functioning as the loving, attentive husband he always was when she needed cared for. Her hand wasn't injured all that badly; she was sure she could manage to dress herself…but he wanted to help her and she was tired and craved his love, attention and gentleness. She stayed quiet as he helped her out of her jeans and sweater and dropped the nightgown over her head. As he tugged the hem of her nightgown down over her hips, she longed to nestle against him and unable to quell the urge, she drifted into his arms, settling herself against his chest with her head tucked beneath his chin as her arms wrapped around him. She knew she had caught him off guard but his arms came around her, holding her tightly.

Seeing that she wasn't going to be shunned, she allowed herself to fully relax against him, hoping that it was a good sign and that the morning would bring healing and they'd put this whole mess behind them. Jim's hand moved soothingly over her back for a few moments and then he gently squeezed her arm and pulled back from her. "Come on, sweetheart; let's get you into bed."

"Aren't you coming?" she asked, worry suddenly filling her.

"I'm coming," Jim replied as he pulled back the covers on her side of the bed. "I want to make sure the house is locked up and that everything is turned off. I want to get that knife out of the sink too and let the water out."

Johanna frowned at the thought of it. "I should do it; I bled in the water, you don't want to stick your hands in that."

Jim shook his head. "I'm not worried about that; you're my wife. I also don't want you taking a chance of sticking your good hand in there and ending up getting that knife by the wrong end again. I'll take care of it."

She knew it was useless to argue and that it was probably best for him to do it anyway. "Be careful," she murmured.

"I'll be fine," he replied as she got into bed. "I'm sure the soap bubbles are gone by now; I'll be able to see it."

"Throw it in the garbage when you get it out," she told him. "We've got others."

"Alright," Jim said; the thought in mind that he had already planned on throwing the knife in the garbage; that he couldn't bear to have it in the house where it might harm her again in some way.

Johanna got into bed and her husband pulled the covers up over her before she could even reach for them. "Thank you," she murmured.

"You're welcome," he replied as he squeezed the back of his neck. "Do you want the TV on?"

"If you don't mind."

"I don't mind," he answered, grabbing the remote from the stand and turning on the TV. He found her preferred sitcoms that she liked to fall asleep to and then set the timer to shut it off later. "I'll get ready for bed and then take care of the house," he rambled as he moved away from the bed to get what he needed for the night.

Johanna watched him as he grabbed the clothes he'd change into for bed; feeling the tension and the multitude of feelings that were clearly at war within him. "Can I kiss you goodnight before you do all that?" she asked softly; "Just in case I fall back to sleep before you come back?"

Jim moved back to her side of the bed without hesitation, leaning down and kissing her.

"I love you," she whispered.

"I love you too; go to sleep, sweetheart. I'll be along."

She gave a nod. "Goodnight."

"Goodnight," Jim replied as he turned off the lights and headed for the door.

* * *

After he had changed for bed, Jim headed downstairs and made sure that the front door was securely locked and that everything was off in the living room. Once that task was completed, he moved in the direction of the kitchen, pausing on the threshold when he reached it, a heavy breath crossing his lips before he pushed himself forward. He moved to the counter and opened one of the cabinet doors and took out a bag, setting it aside before he moved to the sink.

He looked into the sink full of water, the soap bubbles long gone as he had figured. There was still a couple of spoons and a fork in the water; and there front and center was the chef's knife he had used to slice roast beef for the midnight sandwich he had made the night before. He grimaced at the thought as he stared into the water. Why had he used that knife? The knives they used at dinner would've done the job he had required; but no, he had to grab the first thing he had seen.

Jim sighed and reached into the water, grabbing the knife by the handle and pulling it out. The sharp blade glinted in the light; still bright and shiny…it was new, one of her online purchases that had arrived the week before, he recalled. Johanna had ordered the new set of knives in anticipation of holiday cooking and baking; and she had been tickled to be able to pick the color of the handles. She had surprised him when she bypassed the red in favor of the purple but she had told him that she liked purple just as much as red…that she liked the thought of her kitchen having splashes of purple around. She had been so pleased with them, especially the chef's knife that had passed every cutting and chopping test she could think of so far.

He frowned as he continued to look at the knife for a moment; now her set would be ruined all because he had grabbed the first knife he saw…and then left the mess for her to clean up. It was his fault; if he had cleaned up after himself that knife wouldn't have been among the dishes and her lack of attention wouldn't have caused her any harm. He was also sure that he was the cause of her lack of attention to her task. His stupidity put a knife wound in her hand. His stomach clenched and he hurriedly shoved the knife into the bag on the counter and wrapped it tightly before putting it in the trash can. He'd have to go online and see if he could get her a replacement…if not, he'd order her a whole new set.

With the knife dealt with, Jim reached back into the water and withdrew the few pieces of silverware that remained and laid them aside with the bowl and mug that she hadn't gotten to wash yet. He drained the water and rinsed the sink before filling it halfway with soap and water so he could finish the dishes for her. He grabbed a clean dishcloth from the drawer and quickly finished the task. The dishcloth she had been using had splotches of blood on it and Jim dunked it into the water and used it to wipe off the dried spots of blood that had dripped onto the edge of the sink and on the floor. Jim made sure every trace of her accident was cleaned up and then he tossed the stained dishcloth into the trash as well.

Knowing that he was too wound up to sleep; he put the dishes away instead of leaving it until the morning but that task was soon finished too and he found himself at loose ends. Glancing at the counter he saw the knife holder where Johanna's new set of knives were prominently displayed; he made note of the name on the handle and then retreated to the office. He hoped that Johanna had gone to sleep and wasn't forcing herself to stay awake and wait for him…he'd go up to bed as he had promised but he just wasn't ready yet…too many thoughts were tormenting him. It was easier to push them aside as he searched her favorite shopping website. He found that the chef's knife with the purple handle could be purchased separately and he added it to the cart…and then with his conscious nagging him for using that knife when he shouldn't have and causing her injury, he continued looking through the kitchen items and added a purple and white cutting board, a set of purple cooking utensils and a set of purple dishtowels and dishcloths. If she wanted splashes of purple in the kitchen, he'd make sure she had it, he thought to himself as he bookmarked the page that showed a set of purple cookware that he figured would make a nice Christmas gift. He completed his browsing and placed his order; paying extra to have it shipped quicker.

Jim turned off his laptop and switched off the lights; his body feeling tired and demanding that he go to bed. There was no way he could go to work, he mused as he walked through the silent house; it was nearly dawn and he just couldn't leave her. He still felt shaken about her injury; he was still all over the map about the things they needed to discuss. He couldn't go; he'd take the day off and stay home with her, make sure she didn't hurt herself further. Maybe if he had stayed home that evening it wouldn't have happened, he couldn't help but think as he quietly entered the bedroom. The television was still on as expected but his wife was asleep…he was grateful as terrible as it sounded; now wasn't the time to talk; they were both too raw for that. Sleep would help…at least he hoped so; but knowing his history of putting his foot in his mouth, he wasn't so sure. He settled into bed and moved close to her, his chest pressing against her back as he wrapped his arm around her. Nothing had been solved, but she was home as she had promised and that was all that he allowed to matter for the moment as his eyes closed.

* * *

Johanna blinked against the sunlight that poured through the bedroom windows the next morning; she could've sworn she had closed the blinds a little before falling into bed but maybe she was mistaken. She blinked a few times to clear the haze of sleep from her eyes and glanced at the clock; 9:47 a.m. it read. She couldn't remember the last time she had slept so late but then again it had almost been dawn by the time she got to bed. She rolled over and to her surprise found that her husband was sitting on his side of the bed watching TV. He hadn't shaved and he was still wearing what we had worn to bed.

"You're still here," she murmured, her voice still scratchy from sleep as her fingertips reached out and brushed his wrist.

"Where else would I be?" Jim asked; the flat note of his tone going unnoticed.

"Work," she said softly. "Aren't you going in today?"

"No."

"How come?"

"I've got this funny thing about you having a wound inflicted by a knife," he said tartly. "It makes me sick."

Johanna felt like Jim had just shoved a dagger of his own through her as her heart tumbled in her chest. "Wow; that's twice in less than twenty four hours that you've slapped the past in my face," she murmured. "Do you have anything else you want to throw at me or does that about cover it? Because if you have more, just unleash it all now and we can get it over with."

"You can't expect me not to think about it when you know what that bastard had planned for you, Johanna," he said darkly, the nightmares he had throughout the night haunting him and making him feel things he didn't want to feel. "Do you realize that? That for the thirteen years I spent not knowing the truth all I got to think about was someone plunging a knife into you over and over until there was no chance of you surviving. Do you get that?"

Johanna sat up, her gaze sharp with hurt and anger as she stared at him. "Do you think I don't think about it?" she asked; her voice shaking. "Do you think I don't know; that I wasn't told? Do you really think that I've never gone back through the archives of newspapers and read about what was supposed to happen to me? Do you think I'm blind to it! I know! I know what was planned; I know what was supposed to happen! I think about it all the time! Why do you think I'm so afraid to walk down the damn the street by myself? You can't really think it's because of reporters, do you?! Because I've got a newsflash for you; it has nothing to do with them; it has to do with the fact that I'm scared to death that someone somewhere is waiting around a corner with a knife to make it all come true, so you think about that the next time you're bitching about me being afraid to go out. Do you think I don't have bad memories and nightmares that haunt me every day of my life? I've got more than you can even begin to imagine so don't you act like your suffering is worse; that I somehow got off easy because I didn't! You think you know it all, well let me tell you something, you've barely scratched the surface of what those thirteen years of lies have done to me!" she yelled as she threw back the covers and got out of bed.

Jim said nothing as she stormed out of the room, his heart pounding as her words played through his head. He knew that her fear about going out wasn't completely related to the reporters; that it hinged more on the fear that something would keep her from coming home. What he hadn't realized was the fear she just admitted to; that someone somewhere might make history repeat itself only with a different ending this time. His stomach felt queasy; how could he have never realized that she carried that fear? How could he think she didn't get it; he might have had to live with the knowledge for awhile that it had been done to her; but at the same time she had to live with the knowledge that someone _wanted_ it to happen to _her_. It was different when you had to think about it happening to yourself on top of how it would affect your loved ones. She wasn't oblivious and he had been wrong to slap that in her face; it wasn't like she had cut her hand on purpose to bring back bad memories. It had been an accident; an accident that he had helped create by leaving that mess for her to clean up.

What was wrong with him this week? Why had he allowed a bad reaction about a glass of wine to snowball into this mess? Why hadn't he just been patient with her instead of getting so offended. Jeff was right, she didn't know how to deal with it and she couldn't be expected to just know…and he had to learn to control his emotions better. But he had gotten offended…because he never wanted to look like he was something less in her eyes even though he knew that wasn't the case at all. She had left for two days to give him space to cool off and he had cooled off until he had gotten home and found that she wasn't there like she had promised. He had gotten bent out of shape about her being five minutes late…why? Was Jeff right? Did that sensitive nerve she had touched with her reaction link to some hidden well that still blamed her in a small way for everything he had gone through? It wasn't her fault that he had sunk into alcohol faster than the Titanic sank; that was his doing. All of the counseling and therapy had taught him that; that he blamed others to make excuses for himself and his behaviors. Was that what he was doing now? His desire to protect her made him want control; not necessarily of her but of any situation she could be in…and when she rebelled, he got angry and acted in ways he usually wouldn't…all the while blaming her for it.

Jim scrubbed a hand over his face; how had this gotten so out of control? He sighed deeply; instead of reminding her of how knife wounds made him feel, he should've acted like a husband and kept that to himself; he should've told her his other reason for staying home, to take care of her, to make sure she was alright. He should've also admitted that he felt guilty for the incident even happening since he was the one who had used the knife and left the mess behind. But he hadn't done any of those things…he kept right on being an ass and a part of him wished that she had just reached over with her uninjured hand and slapped him for it.

* * *

Johanna almost hated the thought of returning to her bedroom after finishing her morning routines but she knew there was no avoiding it if she wanted to wear something other than her nightgown and robe for the day. She didn't understand how things kept spiraling out of her control; she had left to give her husband space, there had been signs that it was having the desired effect and that he was willing to end the argument they had been having. She had arrived home a few minutes late and he had gone off once again…leaving her behind in the process as he went to who knows where to brood over it instead of staying home and talking to her. He had been caring and gentle when they got home from the hospital…she had woken up once after he had come to bed and his chest had been pressed against her back, his arm warm and heavy as it held her close. She had fallen back to sleep with yet another glimmer of hope only to be slapped in the face again. She was angry…and she was hurt.

She breezed into the bedroom, not even bothering to spare her husband a glance as he sat on the edge of his side of the bed. Instead she moved to the dresser, intending to find something comfortable to wear before she went off to make herself as busy as possible without causing herself more injury.

"Jo," Jim said quietly. "Come back to bed."

"What for?" she asked; "Did you think up some more things to throw in my face?"

"No; I don't want to do that…I shouldn't have done it earlier."

"Yeah, well you did," she retorted. "I guess it's a glimpse of what my life is like anytime you're pissed off at me."

"No; it isn't going to be like that at all," he remarked as he got up from the bed and crossed the room to stand by the dresser as she rooted through the drawer.

"I've heard that before," Johanna stated as she slammed the drawer shut and opened another one.

"What are you looking for?"

"My sanity; I thought I might have put it in here with my pants," she said sarcastically.

"You're perfectly sane," Jim replied; "But maybe I can help you find what you're looking for."

"Oh, now you want to help me?" Johanna asked as she stopped her search and met his eye. "You want to help me now…well maybe _you're_ too late. You didn't care about helping anything yesterday when you acted like the biggest jackass you could be because I was a few minutes late. You yell at me for not calling but I didn't hear you ringing my phone either, jackass; so that tells me you weren't all that concerned or you would've called. You just didn't want to uphold your end of the deal. You just wanted me to come home so we could pick up right where we left off when I went to stay with Valerie."

"That's not true, Jo."

"Yeah it is; you just want to keep it going; well I don't! I don't want to do this; I don't want to keep fighting with you. I wanted to talk and end this and I thought you wanted that too but no; you just leave me here because I'm not there at your convenience the second you wanted me here. Well you know what, Jim; sometimes things happen and if you really cared where I was, you would've called or taken five goddamn minutes to ask yourself if there might be a plausible excuse for why I wasn't here yet...but no; you couldn't do that; you couldn't just give me the benefit of the doubt for a few minutes and it isn't fair!"

"I know it isn't," he said calmly. "Walking out on you yesterday was a mistake; it was stupid of me to get so angry about you being late. I just…I get afraid you're going to leave, Jo. I don't know why but I do. All of these thoughts were going through my head that maybe you just wanted out; maybe you didn't want to do this anymore."

"How can you think that?" she asked. "I try to prove to you every day that this is where I want to be; that I want to be with you. If anybody wants out, it would be you…and this week; I've started to wonder if that's what you want," she said, her voice cracking.

Anguish flicked across his features. "Why would you think that?"

She gave a short humorless laugh as a tear spilled down her cheek. "Look at what we've been doing…look at what started it. I did something stupid and you took the ball and ran with it. I just…"

"You just what?"

"I just can't help wondering."

"Wondering what?" he asked as he pushed the drawer shut and moved closer to her.

Her watery green eyes met his. "Are we going to get through this, Jim?" she murmured.

"Yes, of course we are," Jim said quietly as he cupped her cheek. "We always get through everything, don't we?"

"We always did before," she whispered.

"Nothing's changed…we're still going to get through it," he said before claiming her lips in a kiss in an effort to prove his words.

"I hope so…I want to get through it, I don't want to lose you."

"I'm not going anywhere," Jim said, his tone low and firm as he cradled her cheek. "I swear to you that I'm not going anywhere; we're going to get through any obstacle that comes our way. You're not losing me."

"You promise?" Johanna asked softly.

"I promise," he murmured; drawing her closer for another kiss, allowing it to linger and turn into another.

As his kisses lingered and deepened, his hand slowly moving against her side, she had a feeling she knew where it was all leading…and in all honesty, it was what she had anticipated for her homecoming the day before. She knew her husband; knew that sometimes before he could tell all, he had to show her how he felt, had to prove his love and reclaim her. It was nothing new; they had always been that way…sometimes an argument got too out of hand and the only way to end the stalemate and hit the reset button was to take it to bed and work out the tension there.

"Come back to bed," he whispered in her ear, as if he had read her mind.

She exhaled a breath, her fingertips skimming against his chest. "Are you sure?"

Jim nodded, his hand entwining with her uninjured one. "Just come back to bed for a little while, sweetheart," he said quietly; "And then we'll talk and get it all settled."

Johanna squeezed his hand, a small smile coming to her lips as she gave a nod and allowed him to tug her toward their bed. This was familiar ground…things didn't feel so precarious when they fell into old habits. She was sure some television therapist somewhere would say that it was wrong to ease the tension of their issues in bed…but it was a method that hadn't failed them yet. Maybe the tide was turning after all.

 _Author's Note: They're definitely going to have some serious talks in the next chapter; also Kate will make an appearance as well!_


	25. Chapter 25

_Author's Note: Thanks for your reviews as always!_

Chapter 25- I Can't Tell You Why-Part 2

" _You don't have to worry, just hold on tight"- The Eagles_

The soft background noise of the television kept the room from being wrapped in silence as Jim drew soft circles against Johanna's bare shoulder. He knew they had to talk; that was more than obvious by her comment asking if they were going to get through this matter but he didn't know how to start the conversation that they needed to have. He almost hated to break the silence; that soft spell that always seemed to wrap around them after they had made love and she settled against him with her head on his chest. There was peacefulness despite the need to talk; the worst of the tension eased between them.

"What are you thinking about?" Johanna asked softly.

"You," he murmured.

She stiffened slightly; clearly fearing the worst and he hated himself for it. He brushed a kiss against the top of her head, hoping it would settle and reassure her that it wasn't a bad thing.

Johanna forced herself to relax; she knew they needed to talk…it just felt like it would've been a lot easier if they had done it when originally planned. "What about me?"

"I don't know why you put up with me," he said, his tone struggling to be light to keep her at ease despite the seriousness in his voice.

"Because I love you," she answered; her lips pressing a kiss against his chest.

Jim squeezed her shoulder gently. "But I have a tendency to hurt you."

His wife breathed deeply. "Nothing you can do to me compares to how I hurt you."

Once again he found himself choosing his words carefully. "We've talked about that before; it's different. You didn't have a choice in doing that and you were hurt too. What you did wasn't about selfishness; it was about survival, not just for you but for all of us. You can't use that as a reason to give everyone a free pass for hurting you…not even me."

"But it doesn't go away," she whispered. "It's always there no matter how hard we try to get away from it. I feel like I just keep hurting you over and over no matter what I do."

"How do you figure?"

"Isn't it obvious?"

"No, not to me."

"Everything I do brings back something bad for you to think about or feel. If I go out alone, you have to worry more than you normally would have; you have to think about the bad things that could happen, the reporters, people who still worship Bracken. If I cut my hand you have to think about the way I was supposed to meet my end. If I stay away for too long you think I'm leaving you like I left back then. If I…"

"Wait," Jim said; "Hold on to the rest for a minute and let's get through these ones. I've always worried about you being out on your own, Jo. We don't live in the safest place in the world; it's always been a concern for me. Is it worse now? Yeah; but that's not your fault and I need to stop making it seem like it is. I have my fears about you being alone and it keeps me from seeing the depth of your fears about going out by yourself; and I'm sorry for that. I guess I never allowed myself to realize how deeply your fear went and I don't blame you for that fear."

"I don't blame you for yours either," Johanna replied. "I understand them…and I wasn't trying to magnify them or to hurt you when I went out to the market. I remembered the rules I made for myself and I know you don't think so but I did stick to them when I called Katie…I just didn't anticipate that she'd make a big thing out of answering a two second call and then call and tattle to you. I can't deny that I was feeling angry but I swear I wasn't trying to hurt you."

"I know," he answered; "I wasn't hurt…I just let my own fears turn into anger. You mentioned being controlling…and I've never wanted to control you, Johanna; I still don't. I guess I just like feeling like I have some type of control over any situation you could be in so that I know you're safe…and maybe that turns into the kind of control neither one of us wants to see or use."

"I get that and believe me, when I'm with you, I feel as safe as I can be and when you're not with me, I wish you are because I get afraid but I know that we can't always be everywhere together…we weren't like that before and we can't be like that now. I want to be better so you can feel better."

Jim held her tightly, his lips grazing her hair in a soft kiss. "I want us both to feel better…and I know that you have to go out on your own, I'm the one who keeps telling you that and then I get bent out of shape about it. I guess we're both still working on it and it's going to take a little time. If I get too overbearing, tell me…I can't promise I won't get momentarily offended but just keep yelling at me until I get it."

She gave a soft laugh; her breath warm against his skin. "I just bet that would go well."

He chuckled. "Well, sometimes in the past the yelling has lead to better pursuits and we won't need to worry about whatever it was we were yelling about."

"I guess that's true," she said lightly as she shifted away from him and settled onto her pillow.

Jim turned onto his side so that he could face her, his hand settling on her waist. "In all seriousness though, I don't want you to be afraid to tell me things because you're afraid I'll get mad."

"It's not that I'm afraid to tell you…and sometimes it's not that I'm afraid to make you mad."

"Then what is it?"

"It's not going to make much sense," Johanna confessed; "But I guess I'm afraid of making you _too_ mad."

Jim's brow furrowed in puzzlement. "What does that mean?"

"It means I get afraid of you being mad enough to tell me that you don't want to do this anymore; that you want me to go…and I know; you've told me a million times that it's not going to happen, and I hate myself for needing to be told that so often but it's something that I still get afraid of."

"I know," he murmured; "And I don't have a problem with you needing me to reassure you of the fact. All you ever have to do is ask and I swear to you the answer is never going to change. I love you, I want you here with me; I'm never going to change my mind and if I need to tell you that once a week until you no longer fear otherwise, then I will."

"I don't think it needs to be once a week," Johanna replied as her hand found his. "Maybe when we're not seeing eye to eye though."

"Okay," he answered. "I'll make sure that if we're having some argument or issue that you know that it doesn't change anything; you're still loved and wanted…and needed here."

She nodded. "And I can remind you that if we need some space that it's not some devious plot to leave you…that I'm just trying to get us to a better spot so that the issue can be handled and resolved."

"Deal."

Johanna reached out and caressed his face. "You do know that I'd never _want_ to leave you, right?"

"Yes; but I guess sometimes I need that assurance too," he admitted.

She was quiet for a moment. "Do you think we'll ever get back to the place where we won't need that assurance; we'll just know it?" she asked softly.

Jim nodded. "Yes; we'll get there, sweetheart. One day all of the outside things will be settled and that will let us settle fully and it won't be something we need so much anymore. I don't doubt that at all; but like I've said before, I don't want you to feel like you can't ask for it."

"Alright," she whispered, her fingers curling around his.

Jim allowed silence to fall for a few minutes as he chose his next topic out of the ones that Johanna had already listed. "I'm sorry for what I said this morning," he stated. "I should've never made that remark about the wound in your hand reminding me of the past; and I should've never implied that you don't think about it because I'm sure you do all the time and I don't need to be driving it deeper for you. You're right; I've slapped the past in your face twice since last night and that's not right. I promised you that you weren't going to have to live that way. No matter what I'm feeling in the moment, I shouldn't go that low. I know those things hurt you and throwing them at you is cruel and I don't want to be cruel to you. I love you and I understand what happened and why and it's not a weapon to be used against you. I'm sorry."

"I understand," his wife said softly. "I don't like when it happens but I understand."

"You shouldn't have to understand it; it shouldn't happen…and I'm going to do my best to make sure it doesn't happen again, so don't say that you understand; just say that you'll give me another chance."

"I always give you another chance," she replied. "I always forgive you."

He brought her hand to his lips for a soft kiss. "Since we're on the topic in a way; how does your hand feel? I was being an ass earlier and neglected to ask."

Johanna smiled softly. "It's a little sore but it isn't anything I can't handle."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah; it's fine."

"No dish washing for you for the rest of the week," he remarked.

She frowned. "I know…you better buy us some paper plates."

Jim smiled. "I will but I'll also wash any dishes we use…and I'll rewrap your hand after you get your shower tonight."

"Thank you," she murmured.

Jim's thumb brushed softly against her bandage. "I'm sorry," he murmured.

"For what?"

"For this," he said with a nod at her hand. "It's my fault."

"It's not your fault that I wasn't paying attention to what I was doing," Johanna remarked.

"It's my fault that the knife was among the dishes," Jim replied. "I made a late night sandwich and grabbed the first knife I saw which was your new chef's knife that was in the holder on the counter. Then, like always, I left the mess for you to clean up once you got home. If I hadn't used that specific knife or if I had cleaned up after myself, you wouldn't have gotten hurt."

"It was just an accident, Jim; it could've happened any time I washed dishes. You're used to me cleaning up everything, so of course you left a mess as my welcome home present," she said, allowing a touch of lightness to creep into her voice.

He managed a small smile. "That doesn't make it right."

Johanna sighed, her fingers wrapping around his. "Maybe not but if you were too self-sufficient I might feel unneeded around here…so light occasional mess for me to deal with is okay."

He met her eye. "I do need you, you know? I don't know what Katie's been trying to fill your head with but I need you and I want you and going through the motions while you were away doesn't mean that needing you and wanting you faded in any way. I didn't move on…I just made it through the best I could. You made it through those years, didn't you?"

"Yes," she whispered. "It wasn't easy but I did."

"That's right; and did those years mean you stopped needing or wanting me in any way?"

"No; I never stopped needing or wanting you, not for a single second."

"Then why would I stop needing you?"

"Because you thought I wasn't coming back."

Jim shook his head. "It doesn't matter, I still needed you. You know your mother's gone…but don't you still feel like you need Naomi?"

"Every day of my life," Johanna whispered.

"Then you know that needing someone you love never goes away…so don't listen to Katie about things like that. She thinks she knows it all but she doesn't. Just ignore her about things like this, okay?"

"Okay," she said with a soft laugh.

"I do feel badly about your hand though," he stated; "I feel bad about everything that's been going on but especially this."

"It's not your fault," she told him before leaning closer to press a kiss against his lips before settling against his chest once again. "But if it'll make you feel better, I demand that you don't use chef's knives to cut a sandwich, okay?"

Jim nodded. "That does make me feel a little better…and since we decided to throw out your new knife; I ordered a replacement for you last night…along with some guilt gifts."

"Guilt gifts?" she laughed.

"Yeah; since you seemed to like the idea of splashes of purple in the kitchen, I got you the purple and white cutting board that matches the knives and some purple cooking utensils…"

"The ones that are the same shade of that bright purple on the handles of my knives?" she asked.

"Yeah…don't tell me you already ordered them."

"No; but I had them and the cutting board bookmarked because I wanted them," she said happily. "You didn't have to buy me guilt gifts but I'm glad you chose those."

Jim smiled and hugged her tightly. "I also got you some purple dishtowels and dishcloths."

"That's so sweet of you," she remarked, angling her head to kiss him.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Anything, honey."

"Do you have other shopping things bookmarked?"

"Yeah; why?"

"Don't take this the wrong way but can I look through the stuff you're saving? I saw something while I was buying guilt gifts that I'd like to get you as a Christmas gift and I want to make sure there isn't a chance you might order it before I can."

Johanna smiled up at him. "Yeah; you can look through the things I've bookmarked…and if you find that item there, you can delete it…I probably wouldn't be able to figure out what it was because I tend to save a lot of things."

"Thank you," he said; "Maybe I can do that tonight before I forget."

"Just tell me when," she replied.

He was quiet for a moment, knowing they needed to get back to discussing things that had been going on. "We still have things to talk about," he said quietly.

"I know," Johanna answered as she shifted away from him so she could find her nightgown on the floor. "Would you mind if we took a break for a few minutes?"

"Why?" he asked.

"Because I need a cold drink," she told him as she pulled on her nightgown and found her robe. "I could bring you one too."

It wasn't an unreasonable request and it didn't feel like it was an excuse to avoid the harder topics. "Yeah, I could use a cold drink myself," he replied.

Johanna gave him a small smile and a quick kiss. "I'll be right back."

"I'll be here," he told her; hoping that the next part of their discussion would go as smoothly as this one had.

* * *

The room was quiet for awhile after Johanna had returned with cold drinks for both of them and slipped back into bed, her gaze on the TV screen for the time being. Jim knew that he couldn't let the discussion of their issues end where it had, they still hadn't discussed the issue of alcohol and it needed to be done. He took a moment to gather his thoughts and then decided to dive back in, to get to the point that had caused this whole thing. "You had something else to add to your list before I stopped you," he remarked.

Johanna expelled a breath. "I hurt you by reacting badly to having the glass of wine," she said softly. "It was the last thing I wanted to do. I never want to hurt you."

"You didn't really hurt me," he replied. "I didn't handle the situation the way I should have. I let myself think stupid things instead and it made me angry."

"What things?"

He sighed. "That I didn't look the same to you anymore. That you didn't trust me; and I know that's not true. You show me all the time that you trust me; you never act suspicious of me. I just reacted badly to how you were feeling. I'm sorry that I wasn't more understanding of what you were feeling."

"I'm sorry that it happened," his wife stated softly. "I just didn't know how to make it stop."

"How to stop what?"

"The way I was feeling," she answered. "I just felt like I was wrong to do what I did."

"Meaning what?" he asked gently.

"Meaning it was wrong to drink in the first place."

"Why?"

"Because; I told myself that I wasn't going to do that anymore."

"But why?" Jim asked. "You drank a glass of wine with Katie; why was it different when you were there with her?"

Johanna hesitated; she didn't like walking through this minefield when she had already been burned once. She knew they had to; it just wasn't easy; especially when she didn't know how to explain her thoughts and feelings in regard to this issue.

"I'm not going to get mad," her husband said quietly. "You can tell me…just talk to me like you do about anything else."

She closed her eyes for a moment trying to choose her words carefully. "It was different at Katie's because you weren't seeing it and I wasn't home…and I guess not being home meant I didn't have a feeling of strong responsibility in that area. Katie was policing what I did, as her job and as a wary daughter so I knew I wasn't going to be overindulging too often and she seemed to make it a subtle point to show me that we weren't to leave any signs of it for you to find. She always made sure you didn't see it so I thought that was the way it had to be for you. I didn't know otherwise. All I know is what Katie did and showed and what I've heard on TV or read in magazines about people who have this problem. I tried to bring it up with her once or twice so I'd have some idea of how to handle things once I was home but she'd shut me down and there was always that look of blame in her eyes so I try not to bring it up to her too much. I know it brings back bad memories for her and I don't want to hurt her…and I don't want to make her angry enough to remind me of how much she blames me for it."

His fingertips moved against her hand softly. "Why don't you bring it up to me?"

Her gaze fell to the white sheets they were curled under, a part of her wishing once more that they didn't have to discuss this.

"Tell me," he prodded; his tone void of anger or judgment.

"Because I don't want to upset you," she murmured. "I know that you worry about me seeing you differently because of this issue and I try to always reassure you that I don't, because that's the truth; nothing's changed in my eyes, but I know you think it has and it's upsetting for you…and given what happened when I reacted badly; I felt like I was right in the assumption that I can't bring it up even if I wanted to."

"And you don't want to, do you?" he asked.

"No," she whispered. "It's hard to talk about…especially when you're afraid of saying or doing something wrong. I'm always afraid I'll hurt you."

"I don't want you to feel that way."

"But I do…and I don't know how to stop feeling that way."

Jim was silent for a moment as he tried to find a way to put her at ease about discussing this part of their lives. In truth he wasn't any better about it than she was, at least when it came to discussing it with her but that was going to have to change…and for once he was going to have to be the patient one; the one who stayed quiet and listened and swallowed knee jerk reactions. She had done plenty of that for him and Katie; it was only right that he returned the favor.

"Maybe the only way to stop feeling like that is to make yourself do it anyway," he said slowly. "It's a part of us; it's not something we ever imagined being a part of us but it is, just like other things we wish we could have done differently. While you were staying with Valerie I had a lot of time to think and I realized that when you came home, I threw this at you; I threw those five years I spent in a bottle in your face. I used it to hurt you because I knew it would and I was hurt and angry myself and I wanted to wound you. That wasn't right…and when my anger and hurt subsided, I didn't help you deal with the knowledge of it. I know we talked about it in small ways over the summer…and once we talked about it a little more seriously; and if I remember correctly, that also involved you wanting a glass of wine."

"But I didn't pour one," she replied, recalling that day at Kate's apartment when she had almost slipped up.

"I know you didn't; but I told you that you could."

"I know."

"So why didn't you then and why did it become a bad thing that you did at Bridget's?"

Johanna reached for the comforter, pulling it up over the sheet that already covered them as if she felt too exposed. She didn't want to answer the question; she was afraid of angering or offending him. She trusted him about his sobriety but she felt like her answer would make it seem otherwise.

"Jo," he stated.

She wasn't getting out of it and she shouldn't want to but it wasn't easy to dig in this well…especially when she felt like she didn't know how. "I don't know how to explain it without it sounding like I'm contradicting myself."

He shifted a bit to be more comfortable, his hand falling against her hip to comfort her. "Why do you think it would sound that way?"

"Because I trust you."

"And I believe that, I told you that," he replied; "So just tell me what it is that went through your mind that day at Katie's and then at Bridget's."

She licked her lips nervously. "That time at Katie's, you told me I could have a glass of wine if I wanted it; that it wouldn't bother you."

"That's right."

"You told me that but I kept thinking about how Katie always made sure that you didn't see us drink and I felt like that was the way it needed to be for you…and I know you worry about looking different to me so a part of me thought that maybe you were just telling me that it was okay because you didn't want to seem different. With that idea in mind and Katie's usual behavior as my point of reference, I felt like if I did it, I'd be making you uncomfortable or putting you to a test and I didn't want to do that. I also felt like it would be disrespectful when I know what you've gone through."

"So you feel like you have conflicting reports on what's acceptable," Jim remarked.

"Yeah…you say it's fine and yet Katie seemed to make it clear to me that it wasn't and when it came down to it, I went with Katie's…I don't even know what to call it? Her diagnosis?" she asked with a wrinkle of her nose. "I know that probably seems hurtful for me to take her actions over yours when it comes to this because you know what you can handle and I'm sorry…I just…I guess I just feel confused about what to do about it."

That made a lot of sense, Jim thought to himself; and it made him understand why she reacted the way she had. He gave her hip a squeeze. "I'm not hurt that you followed Katie's lead," he told her; "I understand why you would; I even understand why you'd question if I was telling you the truth about being alright with it. Katie isn't comfortable drinking in front of me and I don't hold that against her; not drinking in front of me is what makes her comfortable and it's part of how she deals with it and I'm sure she did subtly drive home that point to you, thinking it was best for you to follow suit. I don't blame you for that, sweetheart; what else were you supposed to do? Katie and I…we haven't really helped you with this…we just threw you out there in it and basically let you sink or swim, didn't we?"

That's what it felt like to her, Johanna thought to herself as she kept her gaze on the comforter she was clutching. She did feel like she was all alone with learning how to deal with the fact that her husband was a recovering alcoholic.

"It's alright to say yes," her husband murmured.

Her gaze flicked back to his and she nodded hesitantly. "I understand though," she whispered. "It's hard for you both to talk about and I am part of the cause for it regardless of what you say and there's blame and a lot of other little things that go along with it. You two already went through it and dealt with it and moved on and I don't expect you both to do it again for me. I'm going to do better…I might make some mistakes sometimes but I'll find my way, I promise."

"I didn't have to go through it alone and neither did Katie," Jim remarked; "So why should you have to deal with it alone?"

She swallowed hard but the tears filled her eyes anyway. "Because that's what happens when you're thirteen years too late."

The comment stole his breath for a moment; hadn't he made a remark about being thirteen years late? His stomach twisted as his hands reached for her, drawing her against him. "No," he said quietly. "That's not how it's supposed to be at all."

"Why not?" she murmured as she clung to him.

"Because it's not fair; you shouldn't have to deal with it alone."

"But I can and I will."

"I don't want you to," Jim replied. "You've gone through enough alone."

"And you've gone through things without me that you shouldn't have to repeat just because I can't get it right on the first try," Johanna stated.

"You didn't do anything wrong."

"If that was true we wouldn't have fought."

"We fought because I got bent out of shape about the way you reacted to me seeing you with a drink in your hand."

"Which wouldn't have happened if I hadn't had that drink."

"Jo; just because I can't drink doesn't mean that you can't ever have a glass of wine. I have the problem, not you and you don't have to deny yourself something that you want once in awhile just because I can't have it too."

"I just can't help feeling like it's wrong," she admitted; "Like I'm not being supportive. It feels like putting it in your face and saying 'look what I can do and you can't'."

"But I don't see it that way, Jo. I see people drinking all the time and I don't take it like that."

"But it's different with other people."

"How do you figure?"

"Because you don't live with them…you live with me."

"But that still doesn't mean that you can't have a drink sometimes. What exactly is it that you're afraid of? What do you think I'm going to do if I see you with a drink?" Jim asked. "Do you think it's going to automatically make me want one?"

"No," she sighed as she pulled away from him, needing some space back between them as they continued to dig into the issue. "I just…"

"You just what?"

"It's not you that I don't trust; it's me," Johanna said as she raked a hand through her hair.

Jim looked at her in confusion. "What do you mean?"

She frowned. "I just worry that I'm going to end up doing something that will make you think about going back to that habit."

"First of all, maybe you need to call it what it is instead of a habit," her husband remarked.

"I know what it is, Jim."

"Then say it."

Her jaw tightened. "Why do you keep insisting on that?"

"Because I think it's something you need to do."

Johanna hated the thought of saying the word in relation to him; she could say it to him in sentences; she already had; but those sentences related to her own habits while living with Kate.

"Say it."

She squeezed her eyes shut in frustration. "I don't want to drive my husband to drink again," she said slowly; an edge to her tone. "Are you happy now?"

"No," he answered; "I'm not happy that you think it's your responsibility to keep that from happening. It's my responsibility to make sure I don't drink again and if I was going to use something you did as an excuse to do that then I'd undo all of the work I already did to get past it and that's not acceptable. Keeping me sober isn't your job, Johanna; it's mine. You can't keep blaming yourself for it and letting me off the hook like I don't have any responsibility for what I did. You may have been the excuse I used but I'm the one who made the decision knowing full well that you'd hate it. I can assure you though that nothing you say or do is going to drive me back to that place; I'm in control."

"But what if I did?"

"You won't," he said firmly. "Sweetheart; if something was going to drive me to drink, don't you think it would've been when you turned up out of the blue after all those years of me thinking you were dead? Don't you think that would've been the moment?"

"Would've been for me," she murmured; "But I'm glad it wasn't for you…although if I had known it might've inspired me to find a softer way to break the news."

Jim shook his head. "Sending a steak dinner to the door would've been worse than the just showing up approach, sweetheart; it was better the way you did it."

She smiled a little. "Who said anything about steak?"

He grinned. "Well you have to admit, if you had sent a steak dinner to the door with an I'm sorry note, I would've thought of you."

"True…now I kind of wish I had thought of that."

Jim laughed. "How would you have handled that?"

"I don't know…I guess I would've waited for it to be delivered and then knocked on the door…or waited on the porch, I'd figure you'd open the door eventually."

He chuckled. "Yeah; it's probably better you did it the way you did; the porch thing might have gone worse."

Johanna nodded. "I can see it blowing it up even worse than it really did."

"We got through it," he replied as he took her hand; "And I didn't need a drink to do it; didn't even consider it. Once you were here all I thought about was you; there was no room to think of needing some vice to get me through it. I just wanted you, no matter what…and I still do; so you see, you don't need to worry so much. I'm fine because you're here and we might fight sometimes because that's just how we've always been but it's not going to cause any harm. I want you to believe that."

"I keep trying to…I try not to let it worry me and a lot of the time it doesn't but sometimes it sneaks up on me when I feel like things are bad; and I don't mean between us, I mean bad in any segment of our lives, like with the media hounding us. I don't like to worry about it, I feel like if I do then it means I don't have the faith and trust that I know I do in you and I can't stand that thought."

He sighed a little. "Sweetheart, you twist yourself up into enough knots about this to be pretzel."

"I know," she whispered; "And I hate myself for it because I know how it probably looks to you."

"It looks like you love me and want what's best for me," her husband replied. "I know a part of you is always going to worry about it, Jo; just like I know a part of Katie will always worry about it but I promise that one day it won't bother you so much. It'll just be a part of us that you carry and it won't be so noticeable…you might not think much about it at all somewhere down the road."

"I wish I could be sure of that. I just want to be here for you; I want to make sure you know that I support you and what you've gone through and that I'm proud that you beat it. I just…I don't ever want to be the reason that you lose that progress."

"You won't be; and I do know that you support me…and you having a glass of wine with your aunt doesn't change that. You didn't disrespect me or look unsupportive…and it's okay for you to say that you just don't feel comfortable drinking around me. Some people do feel that way and I don't blame anyone for that, I don't take it as an immediate confession of distrust; I look at it as being more about them than being about me. I know I'm in control…and I know that you know it, but you're not comfortable right now and you may never be and it's fine; but I want you to know that I don't look at it as an accusation. I know it has to do with your feelings about the entirety of the situation. This is new to you and I haven't been much help to you in learning how to cope with the feelings it inspires…but you need to know that it's okay for you to feel the way you do right now. Like I've been told; it's old news to me and Katie but it's still new and raw to you and you have to go through that process and we have to respect it just like you've respected the processes we went through when you came home," Jim said; his tone quiet but full of conviction.

"That was different," she said quietly; "We were all going through process when I came home."

"I know…but I think you shoved a lot of yours away to deal with ours."

Johanna shrugged as rolled over onto her other side. "You two had more to deal with than me."

"I don't think that's true," he said as he watched her curl up under the covers as if she was folding into herself, making herself as small as possible. It was a habit she'd had as long as he had known her and it made him move closer so that he could put his arm around her once more and keep close.

"It doesn't matter," she replied; "You're my priority; I can deal with myself anytime. I am sorry though that I ruined the end of our vacation. I promise you that it won't happen again."

Jim sighed. "I feel like we just backslid."

"Why?"

"Because, I can tell…you're listening to what I say but I can tell you're still stuck on what you've been thinking for days; that you'll never have a drink again and we'll never have to talk about it again."

"You say that like it's a bad thing," Johanna remarked.

"It is a bad thing, Jo; you can't just put it in a box somewhere and forget about it. It's a part of us and you have to learn to deal with it and to sort out your feelings about it. I just told you that the only way it was going to be easier for you to talk about it is to make yourself do it."

"I'm trying," she murmured. "I'm doing the best I can…I know I can do better but you just have to give me a little time to figure out how to deal with it and what I'm supposed to do. It's hard for me to talk about it; I know you don't want me to feel guilty or responsible but I do and I can't make that go away no matter how hard I try."

"That's why we need to talk about it…those times when it creeps up on you and makes you worry; those are the times when you need to talk about it the most."

"I just struggle with knowing how to do that…of how it'll be taken, what it'll seem like, if I'd say things wrong. I worry about doing the wrong thing because this isn't something I can make a lot of mistakes with."

"There are people you could talk to," Jim gently suggested.

"Like who?" his wife retorted. "Katie doesn't like to talk about it anymore than I do."

"I meant outside of the family."

Her brow rose. "You mean like a support group?"

"Yeah."

"No," she said with a shake of her head.

"Why not?"

"Because I'm not…I can't."

"Why can't you?"

She looked at him incredulously. "Really? You really can't figure out why not? You really think I'm going to go into a room full of strangers and explain this whole mess to them? I'm supposed to tell people what I did and what it did to you and how I'm floundering with figuring out how to handle the consequences of my actions. I can't do that, Jim. I can't."

"They're not there to judge you, Johanna."

"Sure," she laughed bitterly. "I just bet they wouldn't be judging me after my tale of woe. They'd be looking at me and thinking "it's no wonder her husband drank, who wouldn't in his place?" And then they'd think you were a fool for taking me back. I'm not doing it. I won't air my dirty laundry like that…it gets done enough for me by the media and gossipy writers," she ranted; catching herself before mentioning the blog.

"It's not like that," Jim told her. "They wouldn't judge you because they have loved ones who battle or battled the same problem."

"You'll have to forgive me if I feel like we're different from the typical situation," Johanna said sharply. "I highly doubt anyone has a tale like ours. What am I supposed to say? 'Hi, I made a stupid career move and ended up with a contract out on me which led to the F.B.I. hiding me away. I let my family think I was dead for thirteen years to save my own ass and in the process drove my husband into a bottle for five years and my daughter into law enforcement where she can be shot at any moment. She also has enough issues to fill up a few hours for Dr Phil and so do I. Yeah, that's right everyone; you're looking at wife and mother of the year right here."

He couldn't help but smile a little at her sarcasm as he reached for her hand but she pulled it away as she sat up on the edge of the bed, her back to him. She was too agitated to want his touch as comfort, he thought to himself. He gave her a few moments to sort out his thoughts ass he propped up his pillows against the headboard so that he could lean back against them.

"Jo," he said; trying his best to find the right words.

"Yeah?"

"You didn't just save your own ass; you were keeping us safe too."

"No one cares about that, Jim," she said quietly.

"I do," he replied, reaching out and allowing his knuckles to briefly graze against her back.

"No one else does," she went on. "All everyone does is make it out to be the most selfish thing in the world…like I should've wanted to die instead. They don't get that I wasn't ready to leave you in a permanent way…I didn't get the comeback option with that one but no one cares. All anyone says is that I ran…abandoned my family without batting an eye. No one wants to hear that I was told it was the only way. They don't want to hear how badly they scared me. No one cares that I felt like I didn't have a choice but to go along because if I didn't, it felt like I'd be signing all of our death warrants and I couldn't let that happen to you and Katie. No one cares…I read the things people write about me; I hear what they say on TV. I'm more the villain than Bracken is because he built himself up to be some big hero and his brother is keeping that banner flying…they look at me and see some stupid lawyer defending a man with mob ties and figure I got what I deserved or that I'm part of some plot to destroy a good man…and in reality the only good man I destroyed was my husband. I know what they say, what they think; that I should've done things differently, that I should've done more, that I should've made some noise and it would've made some difference…but there's a problem with that way of thinking. I didn't have enough information to make the kind of noise I would've needed to make publicly; and even if I had, it wouldn't have scared them off…they would've just come at me twice as hard. I didn't have the right name then; I thought I was just on to a ring of dirty cops; I had no idea they were involved with someone bigger; I hadn't gotten that far yet. But no one cares about that…they just think I did everything wrong and they never think for a minute that I spend every day of my life wishing I could've found another way…but I had to play the cards I was dealt. I got to come home…a lot later than I would've liked but I'm here and now I have to learn how to handle the consequences that my actions created; with you it's those years you spent drinking; with Katie it's everything else. I'm not trying to be a snob or an unsupportive wife or anything by rejecting the idea of a support group; it's that I can't go into a situation like that with the way things are now. We might have reached a more peaceful stage of my homecoming but there's still chaos…and I can't chance that there would be someone in a group who wouldn't have any qualms about selling me out to a tabloid about anything I said or did…hell in this day and age it isn't hard to record people without detection. I can't take that chance; not just because of me, but because of you. I don't want your privacy breeched to that extent. I just can't…I'm sorry."

Jim reached out and gently grasped her arm. "Turn around so I can see you."

Without a word, Johanna shifted back into her spot, propping up her pillows like he had so that she could lean against them; she pulled the covers up over her and then met his eye, waiting for whatever judgment he had for her.

Jim moved closer, wrapping his arm around her and tugging her against his side. "I understand."

"Do you really or are you just saying that so I won't feel worse?"

"No; I really do understand. It would be difficult for you to go into that setting with what we have in our lives right now. You're right, someone could sell you out to the media and we don't want that; not because I'm trying to keep it a secret that I had to battle an addiction; but because you're suffering enough at the hands of the media. This is too personal and sensitive for you to take the chance of putting it in the public eye. I understand that and I don't blame you for shunning that idea. I was just trying to give you an option if you wanted it."

"If things were different…if it had been back during that one time when we were having problems and alcohol played a role in it; I wouldn't have had a problem going to a support group setting. But not now…not like this."

"I get that," he reassured; "I honestly do, Jo."

"I'll get through it," she whispered. "I'll do it on my own…I've gotten through a lot of things on my own. I can get through this. Just be a little patient with me and if I do something that makes you uncomfortable or makes you feel like I'm not trusting you or anything else that I might possibly do wrong; you just tell me so I can fix it."

"How about instead of going through it alone we just go through it together," Jim suggested.

"There's no need for that."

"Why not?"

"Because you already went through it; you've got a handle on everything. You don't need me in this area; I'm the one who has to learn, not you."

Jim sighed; the topic of need was one that had to be discussed too. In the process of his bad reaction to her reaction; he had said things he shouldn't have…and he knew he should've never told her that he didn't need her in this area of his life.

"Jo…when this fight started, I said something to you that I regret a great deal."

"What's that?"

"When I said I didn't need you when it came to dealing with my sobriety."

"You don't have to be sorry for that," Johanna remarked. "It's only the truth and you know I've always rather been told the truth than a lie, even if it hurts a little. I know you don't need me for this; I wasn't here when you did need me for it…you got through it without me and you don't need to make me a part of it now just so I feel better."

"No," Jim said; "It's not like that and we're not going to make it like that. I should've never said that to you because I do need you. When we first talked about this seriously when you were still at Katie's, I made you a promise that if I ever felt like I was going to slip up, if I ever thought about going back to that place, I'd tell you and you'd help me through it; you'd help me hang on to the work I've done. I'm going to keep that promise to you…and I'm holding you to your promise; because I do need you…I don't want to have to ever call in that promise; but it is a comfort to know that you've got my back; that I can rely on you and have no fear of coming to you if I ever felt like that was happening…because you're the first person I'd want helping me, keeping me from it, because I know you can…you could do it better than anyone. So don't ever think that I don't need or want your help or support in this area because I do. I don't want you to worry with me saying all of this because I promise I haven't been tempted; but it's always an extra comfort to know you can count on the person you love the most; your best friend…I always need you, Jo; I always have and I always will in every way, shape and form. I know I hurt you when I said that and I'm sorry. I regret it a great deal. I don't want you to brush it under the rug just because you think you should or that it's expected. I'd just rather you say that you'll accept my apology and give me another chance."

"I forgive you," Johanna murmured; "But do you forgive me for reacting the way I did? I know it hurt you and I hate that I hurt you. I'm sorry, Jim."

"I know you are," he replied; "And I do forgive you...the way you reacted isn't all your fault. You're still learning how to be the wife of a recovering alcoholic…and I need to remember that and be patient. I need to help you through it instead of just letting you sink or swim; so once again, I want you to know that if you need to talk about it, you come to me and we'll talk about it and I won't get angry or offended. If you need reassurance that I'm fine, you ask and I'll give it to you, okay?"

She nodded. "Okay."

Jim pressed a kiss against her head. "Both of us can do better with handling that issue and the way to do that is to be open and honest about it; so I want you to know that I don't care how many times we might need to talk about it. All that matters to me is making sure that you've gotten to a place where you don't feel so conflicted about it, where it can just be a part of our lives that we carry around with us but that you don't overly worry about anymore and I promise one day you'll get there. I know that you respect what I've gone through and I respect what you need to go through."

"Hopefully I'll hurry through it," Johanna remarked.

"No; you take your time, it's not something you can rush just because you want it to be over for the sake of others. You need time, you have to let yourself feel things and you have to let yourself discuss them…even if it sometimes feels like the same concerns we've already discussed. I'm sorry that I wasn't more understanding of what you were going through in those moments at Bridget's and when we got home. I'm sorry that I chose to be offended and angry instead of remembering to be patient. I could've talked you down; I could've gotten you through it that night but I didn't and that's on me. I don't want you to feel like you carry the weight of this argument because you don't, we both have blame; do you got that?"

"Yeah, I got it," she replied, her arm sliding across his waist as she remained cuddled against his side.

Jim hugged her tightly, pressing another kiss against her hair. "Is there anything else about that drink at Bridget's that bothers you?"

Johanna was silent for a moment and then she shifted slightly so she could glance at his face. "I worry about how badly I wanted it," she murmured. "I'm afraid of what it means that I wanted it so much."

"Why does it worry you that you wanted it?" he asked. "How long have you wanted it?"

"I don't know really," she answered; "But that night I took that long bubble bath; there was a part of me that just wanted a glass of wine so badly while I was in there…and it made me think about times when I do want a glass but ignore it and the feeling goes away. At Bridget's I wanted it…and I saw the bottle in the cabinet that day you left me there and she noticed that I saw it and she poured us each a glass and I wanted it so badly and it felt wrong to want it so much…like maybe there was something wrong with me…like maybe it's easy for me to lose that control."

"Okay," he said; "Let's take that back a few steps; before you were in the bubble bath, had you been thinking about wine and wanting a glass?"

"No; it didn't hit me until I was in my bath."

"Sweetheart, you wanted it with your bubble bath because for a very long time, you always had a glass of wine while soaking in your bubbles…I'm pretty sure I'm the one that got you in the habit of it; I remember a particularly hard week at work for you when we were engaged and you said all you wanted was to soak in bubbles and drink wine and be with me…so while you were in your bath, I brought you a glass of wine and sat on the floor and listened to you vent because that's what you needed and I wanted to give it to you. I don't think it's worrying that you started having a craving for a glass of wine when you were soaking in your bath; it's like one of those learned behavior things they teach us about in psychology class. Did you take bubble baths at Katie's?"

"A few times."

"Did you take a glass of wine in with you?"

"Yes; but not every time."

"Well I know you've spent some time soaking in bubbles here at home and you didn't have a glass so I don't think it's all that odd that the craving crept up on you at Bridget's. It was probably just your brain reminding you that you were missing part of the routine."

"It still worries me sometimes."

"Let me ask you something; when you have a craving, is it for a glass or the whole bottle?" Jim asked.

"Just a glass."

"If you can't have it, does it drive you crazy? Do you constantly think about it and wonder how you can get it?"

Johanna shook her head. "No; I've never felt that way."

"Then I don't think you need to worry."

"Katie told me once that she worried about me when I'd refill my glass a second time," she admitted. "I understand why she would…and when she told me that I realized that's why she always made sure to remind me I couldn't go over two glasses."

"You always had that limit for yourself the large majority of the time," Jim remarked.

"I know and I would've stuck to it…but she set it for me; and I'm not offended by that; I know she was doing it for all of us but I guess it made me wonder if she saw some beginning of a problem in me with it…or maybe I wondered if it was already there."

"Why would you think that?" he asked.

Johanna was quiet for a moment before speaking once more. "I drank a lot of wine in Wyoming, Jim. Every holiday, anniversary and birthday was spent with a bottle of wine…and it was always empty by the time the occasion was over."

"I know, you've told me that before…but you also told me that when you felt like it was getting out of hand that you'd remember that you had to be ready to come home if that call came in. You were able to pull yourself back when you were teetering on the edge, Jo. You might have overindulged at times but you didn't lose yourself completely; you didn't slip over the ledge like I did."

"How can you be sure?"

"Let me ask you; did you go to work every day with a hangover?"

"No."

"Did you find excuses to only go places where you could get a drink with your lunch?"

"No; I either didn't eat lunch or I ate in the cafeteria or my office."

"Did you count down the hours until you could go home and drink again?"

"No."

"Did having that wine ever get in the way of you doing other things? Did needing to have that drink mean you skipped going to the gym for your run? Did you call off work because of it? Did you avoid your friend?"

"No…I mean I did avoid her on holidays and dates that are important to us but that's because I wanted to be alone if I couldn't be here."

"Alright then," he replied; "Then you didn't have a problem like I did. Maybe you drank too much at times but like I said, you always pulled yourself back before it went too far. You're fine, Jo; you don't need to worry. If you did, I'd tell you, but here's one last question; after you had about a glass and a half of wine at Bridget's, did you still feel the craving? Do you still want it like you did that day?"

"No; once I had it I didn't feel like I needed to go beyond my limit and I haven't wanted it since being back home."

"So the craving was satisfied?"

"Yeah."

"You're fine," he told her once more. "Don't worry about it anymore; you've got more control than you give yourself credit for, okay?"

"Okay."

"Anything else on your mind in this area?"

"No," she sighed; "I think we've covered it for today…I apologize in advance if we have some form of repeat of it sometime down the road."

"I told you, it's fine," Jim replied. "I want us to be comfortable with discussing it; and like I said, eventually it'll just be something that's a part of us but doesn't bother you so much anymore."

"I might still be nervous talking about it or bringing it up myself sometimes…I don't want you to take it the wrong way if I am," Johanna told him."

"I promise to keep a level head next time."

"Alright," she whispered; "I am glad that we talked about it though."

"Me too, sweetheart; I'm glad we can feel better about it now," Jim said before angling his head to capture her lips in a kiss.

* * *

Kate had just finished filing papers and was making her way down the hallway to return to her desk when Officer Ann Hastings crossed her path. She smiled and greeted her, intending to go on her way as she had more paperwork to get done before the end of the day. Her colleague's words stopped her in her tracks however.

"How's your mom?" Hastings asked.

Kate did her best to keep a small smile on her lips. "She's fine."

"Did she have to get stitches last night?"

Her brow furrowed. "What are you talking about?"

Ann faltered for a moment, clearly wondering if she should proceed with the conversation. If Beckett wasn't aware of her mother's trip to the hospital perhaps there was a reason for it.

"Ann; why would she need stitches?" Kate asked; worry and fear rising within her. "What are you talking about?"

"I saw your parents at the hospital last night," she confessed. "I was there with my grandmother. I heard the name Beckett being given at the desk and I looked up; I've seen your parents in the newspaper and on TV enough to recognize them. I'm sure it was them…I figured you knew."

A feeling of panic rippled through her stomach. "No, I didn't know they were at the hospital last night. Do you know what was wrong?"

The officer shifted on her feet, feeling uncomfortable with the fact that she was the one to tell Beckett this information; she didn't like feeling like she had overstepped into something with her colleague's family that she had no business in but she knew that Beckett wouldn't let her get away without answers. "Her hand was wrapped in a towel; it was bleeding. I heard something about a knife."

Kate was sure that her heart dropped to her toes. "A knife?" she repeated.

"Yeah; she must've cut her hand; at least that's what it sounded like. It must not have been very serious; they didn't take her back right away but I was only in the waiting room with them for a few minutes; they had no sooner sat down when my grandmother was called back to see the doctor."

She tried to quell her panic and worry long enough to politely inquire about Ann's grandmother. "Is your grandmother alright?"

The officer smiled and nodded. "She'll be fine; she has bronchitis but they said we're catching it before it gets too bad."

"That's good," she murmured; "I'm glad."

Ann could sense Beckett's desire to find out what was going on with her mother and she decided to make it easy for her. "I better get back to work; my break is just about over. Have a good day."

"You too," Kate replied as they both went their separate ways. She hurried through the precinct, cursing herself for leaving her phone at her desk. Why hadn't she been notified about a trip to the hospital? Why was a knife involved in this incident, whatever it may be? The mere thought of a knife wounding her mother made her want to run for the bathroom to empty her stomach but she pushed down queasiness that threatened to sweep over her as she finally reached her desk.

"Is something wrong?" Castle asked from his chair. "You suddenly look a little pale."

"I need to call my Dad," she replied as she grabbed the phone and dialed his number. "Hastings said she saw him and Mom at the hospital last night."

"Maybe she's mistaken," he said in an attempt to keep her calm.

"She heard them give their last name; she heard Beckett. She knows what they look like," Kate remarked as her call dumped to voicemail. "He's not answering."

"He's probably at work," Castle replied. "It probably wasn't them; she might have misheard. Your mother hasn't even been staying with him."

"She was going home yesterday, Castle," she said sharply. "She promised."

"If it was her, I'm sure she's fine or you'd know by now."

"Yeah, well, I want to be sure of it," Kate remarked as she dialed Johanna's number.

"Did Hastings say why she was there?"

"She said her hand was bleeding and wrapped in a towel. She said she heard something about a knife," she replied; her tone shaky even to her own ears.

"It was probably a simple kitchen accident, Kate; you know your mother lives in the kitchen. I'm sure she's fine."

"She's not answering; she's not fine," Kate declared as her call once again went to voicemail.

He could see the anxiety rapidly filling her as she grabbed her coat and pulled it on. "That's not necessarily true," he told her. "Johanna has been playing games with the phone; not answering calls, hanging up on people, turning it off…she's probably still mad that you went to your uncle's to see her."

She shook her head as she grabbed her keys. "If something wasn't wrong, my Dad would've answered."

"Not necessarily; he might be busy."

"Castle; can you just stop with the 'not necessarily' line?" she asked sharply; "Because it's not helping; it's only making it worse; it makes me feel like you're trying to placate me while silently agreeing that something is definitely wrong. Now I'm going over there and find out what's going on; you can come with me or you can stay here."

"I'm going with you," Castle said as he rose from his chair and grabbed his coat. "I just don't think you should panic yet. It's probably a simple accident…and we're not even sure if it was really them. Don't you think your father would've called you if they had gone to the hospital for some reason?"

"No, I don't think he would," she replied as she stalked toward the elevator. "He was just complaining the other night that I never notify him when I'm injured; that he has to hear important things about me on the news or from colleagues. He probably didn't call me to teach me a lesson."

"Do you really think Jim would do that?"

Kate stabbed the elevator button with her finger. "He's my father, Castle; I'm well aware of his tactics; especially the ones he likes to borrow from Mom because they work so well for her; and Mom has always been a fan of doing to you what you to do to her so she can look at you and say 'well how do you like it?' Dad's used that tactic many times himself. I have no doubt that he'd leave me in the dark just to get even."

When they stepped onto the elevator and the doors slid shut, Castle slipped his arm around her waist. "Maybe instead of rushing over there you should just try and call again in a little while."

"No; I don't want to wait. I want to know now…and what if they don't answer in an hour; then what? Wait two?"

"Kate; you're panicking over something that's probably nothing."

"It's not nothing to me, Castle!" she exclaimed as she pulled away from him. "If my mother has been injured by a knife, I want to know why, I want to know where and I want to know how. This isn't something I can take lightly knowing that someone wanted to stab her to death in an alley. If it was your mother you'd already be on your way and don't deny it. If Martha as so much as stubbed her toe you'd have an orthopedic specialist on the way to ensure she hadn't damaged it in any way so don't tell me not to worry about my mother; because if there's two words I never want to hear in a sentence together it's her name and the word knife. So just don't…I'm going and you don't have to go with me."

"I'm going," he stated; "And I'm sorry; I should've realized that the thought of a knife wound would upset you more than anything else."

* * *

"We should get up," Johanna remarked although she made no move to get out of bed.

"Why?" Jim asked as he kept her tucked against his side.

"Because it's afternoon…we didn't even have breakfast."

"I can manage to hang on until dinner…which we'll order so you're not using that hand today."

"You didn't have dinner last night," she replied. "You have to be hungry by now."

"I ate dinner; I ate at Jeff's."

Johanna pulled away from him, her eyes snapping with fire as she eyed him. "You ate at Jeff's…where the slut lives…you let that slut feed you! You sat down at her table instead of mine!? I would've ate in the dining room if you didn't want to look at me."

"No, no, no," Jim said hurriedly. "It wasn't like that; she can't cook."

Her gaze remained sharp; her brow arched. "Then what did you have?"

"Take out," he answered; "A bucket of chicken and the usual side dishes."

Her eyes widened. "You ate fried chicken with that slut! How could you!?"

"It's not like it was your fried chicken," he replied. "It was just fast food chicken…and Melanie wasn't even there when I got there. She didn't come home until Jeff called and told her to bring us dinner."

"How nice," Johanna said sarcastically. "I bet she was just tickled to have you as her special guest and I bet you were just absolutely charming for her, weren't you?"

"It's not like that; I was nice but Jeff was right there, you know."

She scoffed. "Like Melanie has ever cared if her current husband is in the room. I've got her damn number; I've had it for nearly forty years and it hasn't changed a bit; she still wants to get her hooks into you and don't tell me otherwise. If you gave her an opening, she'd be all over you like a monkey on a cupcake."

He laughed but quickly restrained himself as he saw that she wasn't amused. "There's never been an opening, Jo."

"Uh huh; she must've liked that little sample you gave her back in the day; she's been trying to get more of it ever since."

"What sample?"

"Really, Jim?" she asked; "Are we really still playing the denial game? You know what you did with her on your little weekend getaway with her."

"That was business."

"Uh huh."

"What makes you so sure that I did anything with her?"

"Because I know," she declared; "I'm not stupid; I know what you did…and she's always wanted more of it. I heard the way she talked to Katie about you at Macy's that day; her tone all sugary sweet with her 'concern' about you and how she was going to drop by and see you one day. She might always fool you but she doesn't fool me for a damn minute."

"Just for the record; she didn't drop by."

"It's a good damn thing," Johanna remarked; "I bet she just loved that you were there for dinner instead of being with your wife. What did you tell her about that? Because if you think for a minute that I'll believe she didn't ask; you're crazy."

Jim sighed; he should've lied and said that he ate alone at a diner. "She asked…and I said that you were at Katie's; that the two of you were having a girls evening."

Johanna rolled her eyes. "Really? You couldn't think up something better than that? No one is going to believe that!"

"She didn't say anything about it," he replied.

"I'm sure she was thinking it."

"All she said was that we should all go out to dinner sometime when you're available," Jim stated.

"And you laughed and reminded her that I hate her guts, right?"

"No," he said slowly; "I said that would be nice…because I thought that would be the polite thing to do."

Johanna grabbed her pillow and whammed him with it. "Are you crazy! Why would you say that! You know how she is; she'll take it literally just to piss me off and next thing we know Jeff will be here arranging it and I won't be able to say no because you'll both look at me like I'm being a bitch. Oh my God; if you want to be rid of me just tell me to divorce you; you don't have to set me up for jail time by making me have a meal with the slut."

Jim shook his head. "It's not like that."

"You keep saying that and I'm not liking a damn thing that's coming out of your mouth."

He smiled. "Then let's stop talking and get back to making up."

"I can't do that with the thought of you eating with a bimbo in mind."

"But Jeff was there," he reminded her.

"Fine, I can't do that with the thought of you eating dinner with a bimbo and Jeff in mind…especially when you've implied that I'm open to having dinner with her, because I'm not!"

Jim laughed. "She's hoping you two can be friends…at least that's what she said."

"Oh sure," Johanna said sarcastically. "What drug is she on, because that's never going to happen. What does she think, if I'm her friend, I'll let her sleep with my husband like she wants? I've got a newsflash for her; I'll shoot her first…and if you ever act like you're open to being overly friendly with her, I'll shoot you too…and I'm going to aim for your favorite part, so you better warn him to mind his manners or he'll get a bullet and he'll never think for you again."

"I'm pretty sure there's no need for a conference," Jim remarked; "Your message has always been heard loud and clear."

"It better be! I mean it, Jim; if I ever catch you with her…"

He shook his head. "Never going to happen, I swear on my mother's grave."

"You make damn sure it doesn't. I don't even like knowing you're around her but there's nothing I can do about that as long as Jeff's married to her. I can't believe you ate with her though! I am your wife, I don't care if you're mad at me or not; you do not eat with sluts!"

"Baby," he began.

"And there it is," Johanna interrupted; "The admission of wrong doing…every time you call me baby it means you're trying to pull your ass out of a fire."

"Sweetheart," he said instead; trying not to laugh at the outrage on her face. "There's no need to be jealous; you know I'm yours."

"You want me to hit you, don't you?" she asked.

"No, not really," he laughed as he reached for her. "I'd much rather you come back over here and let me make up to you some more."

"I don't know if I can; you've killed my mood with the news of your dining companion…while I was home not eating dinner because I didn't want to eat alone."

"I'm sorry," he murmured against her ear; his lips pressing soft kisses against the line of her jaw.

"Mhmm."

"I am," he said as he grabbed her pillow and put it back in place behind her and then swiftly guided her to lay back on it. "You know you're my girl; my only girl."

"I better be your only girl," she remarked.

"You are; no one could ever compare to you."

She breathed deeply; her fingers sinking into his hair. "We should get up."

Jim shook his head; his lips brushing against her neck. "No; we should stay here…you're tense again; I need to relax you."

"You're the one who caused the tension to return."

"Which is why I should remove it; it's my duty," he remarked, making her laugh a little.

"We've been in bed most of the day."

"Who cares?" Jim asked; "Remember a long time ago when we wished for times like this; when we could just stay in bed all day and talk and be together, do whatever we wanted?"

"Yeah, I remember," she sighed.

"Well there's nothing stopping us from doing that today; I'm not going to work and you're not going anywhere. We don't have a kid in the house; the phones are being ignored…come on; let's grab the opportunity."

Johanna smiled. "Okay; you've made a convincing argument, counselor; you win."

He grinned. "It's about time," he said before capturing her lips in a kiss.

She gave in; wanting nothing more than to get back to their brand of normalcy and a quiet afternoon spent wrapped up in him after a morning of complicated talks and making up seemed like the perfect thing to finish smoothing things over. Her hand slipped beneath his shirt and moved against his back as his kisses slowly scattered her thoughts…until a voice yelling "Dad" from downstairs broke the quietness that had surrounded them.

"What was that you said about not having a kid in the house?" she asked.

Jim's head fell against her shoulder. "I swear to God, it never misses; if it isn't Jeff, it's Katie…if I didn't know better, I'd think she belonged to him."

Johanna smacked his shoulder. "She is definitely yours; don't you ever doubt it."

"Believe me, I don't...but it's like they know when I have you right where I want you."

She giggled softly. "Maybe we need to go away again."

"Dad!" the voice yelled louder.

Jim sighed. "Do you want to go see what she wants?"

"No; she's yelling for you," Johanna replied.

"Dad!"

"I'll be down in a minute, Katie," he yelled back.

Johanna smiled up at her husband, her hand slipping away from his back and patting his arm. "Go be a good father."

"I don't want to," he grumbled as he moved away from her.

"But you have to," she laughed.

"I know…you just remember where we left off."

"I promise," she murmured before he stole another kiss and then forced himself out of bed.

* * *

Jim could hear his daughter pacing downstairs in the living room and a feeling of dread filled his stomach as he made his way downstairs. What black cloud was hanging over them now? He no sooner stepped off the bottom step and Kate was in front of him, Rick hovering in the background.

"What's wrong, Katie?" he asked as he took note of the anxiety in her eyes.

"Were you at the hospital last night?" she demanded to know; her tone somewhat shaky.

Jim blew out a breath, so that was it. "Yeah; why, is it on the news? Please tell me it's not on the news."

"Not that I know of," she replied.

"Then how did you know?"

"A cop I know was there with her grandmother; she saw you; she said Mom's hurt; she said she heard something about a knife. What happened? Where is she? Where's Mom?" she rambled without realizing that she was doing it.

Jim caught hold of her arms, forcing her gaze back to his face. "She's fine, Katie; she's upstairs in bed."

Anguish and panic still rolled through her stomach and she tried to keep her father from seeing it but she knew she was failing as his hands gently remained on her arms, giving her a soft squeeze. "What happened?" she asked; her voice still wobbly.

"She cut the palm of her hand while washing dishes; she wasn't paying attention and grabbed a chef's knife by the blade instead of the handle; it was an accident. It bled a lot but the doctor said it looked worse than it was; she did have to get stitches but he used something called liquid stitches that he said she can peel off in a week or ten days. She's fine."

"Why didn't you call me?"

"It was late, Katie; I got home after midnight and she was standing in the kitchen at the sink with her hand bleeding. We had to wait an hour before the doctor even saw her and then they gave her a tetanus shot and cleaned it, stitched it and bandaged it and that took some time too. We didn't get home until nearly four in the morning. We were tired and went to bed."

The explanation was simple as Castle had told her it would be but it didn't ease the knot in her stomach or the anguish she felt as her mind worked furiously through the things her father had told her. "Why were you just getting home at midnight?" she asked as his hands slipped away from her arms.

Jim squeezed the back of his neck. "I went to Jeff's to play pool."

Kate eyed him inquisitively. "Why would you go to Jeff's to play pool when Mom was finally coming home from her little vacation at Frankie's…I thought you two were going to work out your differences last night."

"She was a little late getting home and I got mad and left," he remarked; "It was stupid and I'm not proud of it, okay?"

"Uh huh; so I guess she was washing dishes at midnight because she was waiting to see if you were coming home or not?"

"That's my assumption."

"I want to see her," Kate said, moving toward the stairs but Jim blocked her path.

"She's resting; she'll call you later."

"If she's really fine and it's just a cut in her hand, she doesn't require that much rest; I want to see her."

"She's fine; trust me."

"Dad," she said sharply; "I want to see my mother; now let me see her!"

"I'm right here," Johanna said as she appeared on the stairs. "What's wrong?"

Kate looked up at her mother, taking note that she was clad in her thin black robe and that a white hospital bandage was wrapped around her left hand. Her stomach continued to churn and for the moment her words deserted her as she stared at her, barely registering her mother's voice as she greeted Castle.

"She heard about your trip to the ER last night," Jim finally supplied for her.

"It's not on the news is it?" Johanna asked with a sigh.

"I've haven't found anything about it," Castle said, waving his phone in their direction. "A fellow officer was in the waiting room last night at the same time you were there; she heard something about a knife wound."

"I see," Johanna murmured as she came down the remaining three steps to stand in front of her daughter. "I'm alright, Katie," she told her as she raised her hand for her to see the bandage. "It's just a cut; nothing to worry about."

Kate swallowed hard; tears stinging her eyes despite her best efforts to keep emotion at bay as she glanced from the bandage to her mother's face once more. "A knife wound," she stated; her voice low and tight.

"Yes," Johanna replied gently. "But I'm alright."

"How did it happen," she asked.

"I already told you," Jim remarked.

His daughter's eyes flashed with temper and anger. "Well I want to hear it from her; you weren't here, you left her here alone all night."

Jim bit back a hasty remark; his feelings stung at the subtle accusation that leaving Johanna alone left her open to being hurt…or worse; maybe she believed that her mother had been injured in the course of argument and he couldn't bear the thought of anyone thinking that he'd hurt her, especially their own daughter who should know better. He kept his mouth shut though; knowing that it wasn't something she would've said in normal circumstances…she had heard about the incident and panicked, allowing bad memories to run rampant just as he had. He couldn't say a word about her harsh remark; he had to let it go.

Johanna waited a moment to see if Jim would respond to Kate's remark and when he didn't she stepped closer to her daughter and studied her, reading the various emotions in her eyes. The incident was minor and yet it had brought back terrible memories for the two people she loved most; maybe Katie the most given that a cop gave her the news about spotting them in the ER and that a knife was involved. She reached for her and pulled her into a hug, hoping that she wouldn't be shunned since they hadn't been on the best of terms all week.

Kate's sank into her mother's embrace willingly; her arms going around her tightly as she breathed in her scent. Without a warning a sob tore free from her throat; the fear and panic, the multitude of bad memories that had tormented her on the drive over breaking free. Her mother held her tightly; her uninjured hand running over her hair soothingly. "It's okay; I've got you," Johanna murmured in her ear; the same words she had whispered to her all through out her childhood and it only made her cry more.

"It's alright, Katie," Johanna said softly; "It was just an accident. I was here alone but the doors were locked and so are the windows. I couldn't sleep; I had too much on my mind so I thought I'd clean up. I was washing the dishes; I got to the silverware and dropped it into the sink…and I dropped the chef's knife in too and usually I wouldn't have put it in with the other utensils to avoid an accident but I wasn't paying attention, I wasn't thinking about what I was doing. The knife was under the water and soap, I didn't realize that it went in at a bit of an angle; the tip of the blade leaning against the curve of the sink, keeping it from being flat on the bottom of the sink; when I reached into the water, I wrapped my hand around the blade because the soap kept me from seeing it. It sliced into my palm…the knife was new; it's only been used a few times so it was still very sharp. I was expecting to get a hold of the handle and so my grip was tight because I know how the handles can slide out of your hand when they're wet. It was just an accident; no one hurt me. I did it to myself by not watching what I was doing. I know it brings back bad memories but I'm okay…a few stitches and a feeling of stupidity but I'm fine, I promise. Your father threw the knife away and you can be sure that I'll definitely be more careful when washing knives."

Kate tried to stop the flow of tears but they kept coming and she hated herself for falling apart like that; for being so shaken by the thought of an injury to her mother. "I tried to call a little while ago," she managed to say; "Neither one of you answered."

"I'm sorry, honey," her mother murmured; "My phone is still in my purse but I heard it ring; your father asked that we ignore the phones because we were talking…we didn't talk yesterday about our issues we were having but we've been talking about it all morning and we didn't want to interrupt it. I don't think it even crossed our minds that the same person might be calling both of us; we both just figured we'd return calls later. I'm sorry; we should've looked to see who it was; I didn't mean to cause you more worry."

She knew her fingers were digging through the thin material of the clothes her mother wore and into her skin and yet she couldn't seem to let go just yet. Her stomach had unclenched but it still felt queasy and she felt somewhat embarrassed for breaking down over a minor wound. "I'm sorry," she whispered.

"For what?" Johanna asked.

"For this," she cried.

"There's nothing to be sorry for…it brought back bad memories for all of us and I'm sorry that my negligence caused that. I'm also sorry that we didn't think to call you just in case it did end up on the news somewhere that we were spotted at the hospital. I was just so tired when we got home, Katie; I wasn't thinking about much of anything."

"I just figured Dad was getting even with me," she confessed. "He recently remarked about how I never notify him of injuries."

"I'm not that cruel, Katie," Jim remarked. "I wouldn't purposely keep you in the dark about your mother's health or mine."

She ignored him, focusing on the soft pat of her mother's hand against her back. "He wouldn't do that, sweetheart…he's in enough trouble for having dinner with a whore."

"What?" Kate exclaimed, pulling herself out of her mother's embrace.

"Oh God," Jim muttered; "You may as well sit down, Rick; it'll probably take them awhile to plot my demise."

The writer grinned. "What did you do, Jim?"

"Nothing, I swear."

"He ate dinner with Melanie," Johanna told their daughter; using the incident to pull her daughter from her bleak thoughts and bad memories.

"Dad!" Kate exclaimed; "What the hell were you thinking?!"

"It's not like that," he said throwing his hands up in the air as he retreated to the recliner. "Jeff was there!"

"I don't care if the Pope was there," Kate replied; "You don't eat with your wife's arch nemesis; what were you thinking?!"

"I was thinking I was hungry and Jeff called for a bucket of chicken."

"You ate fried chicken with her!" his daughter exclaimed. "Are you insane?"

"Bad move, Jim," Castle tsked with amusement.

Jim smirked at him. "Should a man who accepted a date on live TV while his girlfriend watched backstage really throw stones here?"

"Touché," he replied. "But I would like to say that she wasn't her arch nemesis."

"At least not at that moment," Jim remarked; "I would say she became one fairly quickly though."

"Okay I'll give you that one," Castle replied.

"It gets worse," Johanna said, bringing her daughter's attention back to her. "He implied to the slut Queen that it would be nice for us to have dinner with her and Jeff."

Kate gave her father a look of disgust. "Really, Dad? You want bloodshed as a floorshow for dinner?"

"I was just being polite when Melanie brought it up," Jim replied. "I was a guest in their home; what was I supposed to do?"

""You're not supposed to accept the date," Castle answered; "At least that's what I've learned."

"It's good that you've learned your lesson about that, Rick," Jim commented. "It means I won't ever have to shoot you."

"That's good to know," the younger man replied; "Although if it needed to be done, your daughter would probably beat you to it."

Jim chuckled. "Hell her mother would probably beat me to it."

"I'm not going to chance finding out which of you could get there first," Castle stated.

"Good idea," Johanna remarked. "It remains to be seen though if I'll have to shoot Melanie…and my husband better remember what I told him."

"Trust me, dear; I'm in no danger of forgetting."

Kate eyed her father. "You should also keep in mind that when Melanie is involved, her aim is incredibly accurate."

"I haven't forgotten that bit of information either," Jim replied.

"Make sure you don't," Johanna stated before giving her attention back to her daughter. "Are you off work for the rest of the day?"

"No; I took a break after hearing about your trip to the hospital," Kate replied. "I have to be heading back."

"Do you want to come back for dinner?" her mother asked. "Rick can come with you."

Kate shoved her hands into the pockets of her jacket. "Not tonight; we have plans. Martha's new show is giving a special family night performance before it opens next week so we're going to that and dinner."

"Oh," Johanna said, swallowing back the sting jealousy that she was once again overlooked in favor of Martha. "Some other time then."

Her daughter shifted on her feet. "I'll come over tomorrow for dinner; there's something I want to talk to you about anyway."

Johanna regarded her warily. "What is it?"

"Nothing bad," she assured; "It can wait until tomorrow."

"Why not do it now?" Johanna asked. "You know I don't like things hanging over my head."

She gave a short laugh. "Nothing's hanging over your head; it's nothing bad, we'll talk about it tomorrow. I have to get back to work and you and Dad can get back to whatever you were doing. I'll see you tomorrow…that is if it's alright, you haven't exactly said that it's fine. Do you have plans?"

"We don't have any plans, Katie," Jim remarked from his chair.

"Alright, then I'll see you tomorrow."

"Katie," Johanna said in exasperation; "Just call me later and tell me what it is."

"I'm going out tonight, I told you that. Relax, it's nothing worth keeping you up at night," Kate answered as she hugged her and pressed a quick kiss to her cheek. "Take care of your hand; order takeout tonight and give it a break."

"I've already been informed that we're ordering take out," Johanna replied. "Your father has always been a very strict caretaker."

"I remember," her daughter replied. "I'll see you tomorrow; call if you need me."

"We will," Johanna answered before saying goodbye to Castle as Kate kissed her father's cheek.

Their guests were gone in a matter of seconds but Johanna remained on her feet, Kate's comment about something she wanted to talk about running through her mind while Jim relocked the door. "Come on," Jim said as he took her hand. "Let's go back upstairs."

"What do you think she wants to talk about?" she asked as she allowed him to tug her along with him to the stairs.

"Clearly it isn't anything to worry about since she didn't stick around to discuss it," he answered. "Everything's fine…let's get back to us and where we left off."

She'd like very much to get back to where they had left off but she wasn't sure she'd be able to now that her mind had something else to ponder. That would teach her not to answer her phone.

* * *

"What's wrong?" Jim asked that evening as he watched Johanna frown while she dunked a French fry into a glob of ketchup.

His wife sighed. "I hate when people tell me they want to talk to me but won't tell me why…it drives me crazy."

He gave her a small smile. "She said it's nothing bad."

"Yeah; I've heard that before…from my mother," Johanna remarked. "Mom was always good for that "come over for dinner, dear, we want to see you" comment and it never ended well. Like that time she told me to come over because they wanted to see me and here she had invited her friend's son who worked in the produce department at the market because she thought maybe we'd make a good match."

Jim laughed. "Well since I'm sitting here instead of him, I'm going to guess that it wasn't a good match at all."

"He was a total nerd who was afraid of his own shadow."

"Ugly too?" he couldn't help but ask.

"No, not really; he wasn't too bad looking, not in your league of course but…he just had no personality. He was dull…he could barely speak to me, I don't know what the hell my mother was thinking or how much her friend paid her to set up that little dinner but let me assure you, she never brought home a man from the market for me again."

"Lucky for me," he quipped.

She gave a soft laugh. "Don't you forget it."

"Not for a single second."

Her smile faded, her fingers picking up another French fry and dunking it into the ketchup. "My mother also used that 'come to dinner, we want to talk to you' line when my father needed a lawyer and he chose me…against my will…."

Jim nodded. "I remember…but you don't need to worry too much; I'm sure Katie didn't pick up anyone for you at the market and I'm sure she doesn't need a lawyer…if she did, I'm sure we'd be the last to hear about it."

"That's probably the truth, but still, why didn't she just go ahead and spit it out? Now I'll worry about it all damn night and I don't want to! I was relaxed, I was happy."

"I told you we should've stayed in bed," her husband replied.

"It's hard to do that when your daughter is in the house yelling for you."

"Oh so now she's mine?" Jim asked.

"She did yell for you."

"Yeah but it concerned you," he reminded her.

She frowned. "Okay but still, it's not like we had a choice but to abandon the plan."

"We could've gone back upstairs once she left."

"We did!"

"Not in the way I had hoped."

"Sorry," Johanna replied; "That 'I need to talk to you' thing kind of killed my mood."

"I could've helped you find it but you wouldn't let me distract you."

She smirked at him. "Forgive me for being hungry…unlike you I didn't eat chicken with a whore last night."

Jim smiled. "I'm going to pay for that, aren't I?"

"Probably a little," she remarked. "You're just lucky you got what you wanted before dropping that little bombshell or we'd still be missing that step of the make up process."

He glanced at her, catching her gaze and holding it. "Speaking of making up, in the general sense of the word that is, are we good now?"

"I certainly hope so," Johanna replied. "I don't like when we fight, Jim; I never have…but I like it even less when it's a bunch of stupid things that we let snowball."

He shook his head. "It wasn't stupid; at least not what started it…that was an issue we needed to take care of. It got away from us and that's what snowballed. You know how I am sometimes, Jo…I just don't take a minute to think and end up making things worse."

"I'm not exactly innocent of that myself," she told him. "I allowed your words to make me angry enough that I went out on my own without telling you and that made things worse."

"Yeah…but in the long run maybe it wasn't such a bad thing; it was something you needed to do and you did it…maybe not for the right reason but you did it anyway."

Johanna gave a nod. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you about the reporter right away," she said quietly. "I didn't intend to keep it from you; I would've told you…but you were still mad when you got home and Katie had stirred things up a bit and made it worse. I was too busy thinking about the things she said and implied about no one needing me and it pushed the reporter incident to the back of my mind, especially when I got that migraine that night. I did want to tell you though and I would've the next morning if it hadn't been for being sick that night…I wanted you to be proud of me for handling it and it just ended up being another blow up."

Jim brushed his fingers against hers. "I am proud of you," he said sincerely. "I'm sorry I didn't let you know that. You did handle it, you did just fine and I'm proud. I didn't let myself feel that at first because I guess I wanted to be mad…and because it scares me thinking about how easily they can corner you in public when you're alone."

"It scares me too," she confessed. "I had my phone in my hand; I typed out a help message to Katie in Italian just in case I needed to hit send."

"Why Italian?"

"Because the guy with the camera was trying to see my phone…I didn't want him to know I was nervous."

"That makes sense…but maybe you should let Katie know that you might use messages like that if you're in an uncomfortable situation…you might want to brush up on a few phrases with her."

"You're right, I do need to tell her and I will…if you remind me after whatever little talk we're going to have tomorrow."

"I'll remind you," he assured; "And don't worry until you have reason to; I'm sure whatever Katie wants can't be that bad."

"I hope not," Johanna remarked; "But you know, I'm not all that big on surprises these days."

"I'm going to have to work on that," her husband replied.

"Oh yeah? What do you have in mind?"

"If I told you it wouldn't be a surprise."

She smiled. "What if I said we could go back upstairs after we finish eating?"

Jim laughed. "Well then I'm sure I could come up with some things for discussion…but I'm keeping a few things top secret."

"I can live with that," Johanna said as she snatched a fry off his plate.

He smiled; watching as she popped his French fry into her mouth; some things never changed and he was glad…he was glad that peace had been restored, that they had been able to find the reset button and get things back on track enough that she was comfortable indulging in old habits.

"What?" Johanna asked.

Jim shook his head. "What?"

"You looked like you were thinking devious thoughts," she teased.

"No; honestly I wasn't but I will now since you gave me the idea."

Johanna laughed. "Well then what were you thinking?"

"I was thinking that I'm glad you still like to steal my fries."

A smile spread across her lips. "I'm glad you still don't mind…and that you always eat the last bite of my cake."

"It's only fair," he remarked; "I always keep the last bite of my pie for you."

"And I'm grateful," she said with a soft laugh. "I wonder how many people have thought we were weird for that over the years?"

"I don't know and I don't care…I figure they're really just jealous that no one shares their dessert with them."

"Maybe so," Johanna said with a smile before turning serious again. "We're good?"

"Yeah, sweetheart; we're good…just don't run away from home anymore, okay?"

"Don't make me feel like it's necessary and I won't."

"Fair enough," Jim conceded.

"I love you," she murmured.

"I love you too," he replied. "Now finish your food and quit worrying about Katie; whatever it is she wants to talk about will be fine."

"Can't you call her up and find out what it is?" Johanna asked.

"No; that would get in the way of us going back upstairs," her husband quipped.

She rolled her eyes but smiled. "Fine, be that way."

Jim gave her a reassuring smile. "Just put it from your mind, Jo; you'll find out what it is soon enough and it'll be alright. Just relax."

Johanna gave the expected nod but she knew she wouldn't be able to totally put it from her mind. She didn't know what her daughter wanted to discuss but she hoped she'd be able to handle it without causing further discord between them.


	26. Chapter 26

_Author's Note: Thanks for your reviews, sorry for the delay._

Chapter 26- The Actress Hasn't Learned the Lines You'd Like to Hear- Part 1

" _The actress hasn't learned the lines you'd like to hear; she won't join your clubs, she won't dance in your halls…"-Madonna (from Evita)_

Johanna sat on the foot of her bed in quiet contemplation Saturday morning, a little over a week after her kitchen accident. She turned her palm over and looked at the light scar that had been left behind when Jim unwrapped her hand that morning and removed what had been left of the liquid stitches as they had been instructed to do. She was glad to be free of the bandage, the stitches and the restrictions that came with them…but mostly she was glad that she wouldn't have to be seen in public with her hand bandaged.

Johanna frowned and glanced down at her black suede boots that were sitting next to her feet, waiting to be slipped on for the excursion that awaited her. This was her daughter's little plan, the one she had delivered six days ago in a rare appearance at the dinner table.

" _What was it you wanted to talk about, Katie?" Johanna asked once the small talk portion of their dinner seemed to be at an end._

 _Kate's fork hovered over her plate for a moment, the expression on her face betraying the fact that she thought she'd be the one to bring up the topic, that she was in control of when she'd reveal her plan and how. She was silent for a moment, as if she had to scramble for a new game plan in light of her mother's directness. "I, uh, thought we'd go shopping next Saturday if you and Dad don't have plans."_

" _What's the occasion?" Johanna asked._

" _I told you, remember, when we went for a run together back before you went on vacation. I need to get a dress for Castle's book release party."_

 _She knew, alright, Johanna thought to herself, and she still felt like there was an ulterior motive. "Are you sure you want me to go along?" she asked. "You might prefer Lanie to go with you."_

" _I can go shopping with Lanie some other time. Now do you have plans for Saturday or not?"_

" _We don't have any plans," Jim remarked._

" _Good, then I'll pick you up around eleven," Kate stated._

 _Johanna took a breath and braced herself for whatever her words would unleash. "Any other reason we're going shopping?"_

 _Her daughter tensed a little, as it always did when she was afraid of being caught, Johanna noted._

" _Like what?" Kate asked._

" _You tell me?"_

 _She shrugged. "I just thought it would be nice mother-daughter time, you always claim I'm lacking in that area."_

" _I don't think I've ever termed it that way."_

" _The sentiment comes through," Kate remarked. "I thought we'd go to a few boutiques and some of our usual stores, have lunch…you know, a nice girls day. Why are you looking so suspicious?"_

" _Because we haven't been anywhere together since we went to Wyoming."_

" _That's not true; we went for a run."_

" _Okay, you haven't been out of the neighborhood with me since we went to Wyoming."_

" _Well come Saturday you won't be able to say that anymore," Kate remarked._

 _Johanna met her eye. "Why now, Katie? Suddenly you volunteer to come to dinner and now you want to go shopping…what's going on?"_

" _Nothing; I told you, it's just a mother-daughter day. Is there a problem with that? I thought you'd like it."_

" _I want to have a mother-daughter day more than anything," Johanna replied; "But I thought maybe you'd be put off by the idea because of the media…what if they see us?"_

 _Kate shrugged, her eyes dropping to her plate as she picked up her fork. "Maybe they won't."_

 _Johanna wasn't fooled; she knew that Kate was hoping that the media would see them…that this shopping trip was a ploy to prove the words she had spoken in her statement. She knew that someone somewhere would recognize them and either tip off the media to their whereabouts or take pictures to sell themselves. Her gaze dropped to her own plate, noting the quietness of her husband and he subtly glanced at them both. "If you're sure, Katie," she murmured._

" _Of course I'm sure; why wouldn't I be?_

" _No reason I guess," Johanna replied, all the while thinking that she could think of plenty of reasons for why Kate wouldn't normally have suggested the outing._

A soft knock on the open bedroom door, pulled Johanna from the memory and she glanced up to see her husband walking into the room. "You better finish getting ready, sweetheart," Jim remarked as he sat down next to her. "Katie will be here soon."

"I know," she murmured but she didn't move to pick up her boots.

"What's wrong?" he asked, his hand moving to her knee and giving it a squeeze.

"Nothing really," she replied; "I just wish this outing was for the right reason."

Jim gave her a sympathetic smile. "She didn't say it wasn't."

"No, she didn't say the words but we all know…I could tell by the way she was acting at dinner and if you didn't notice, she hasn't called all week until last night to remind me that we were going today…and I quote 'you're not getting out of it'…along with the demand to be ready on time."

Jim rubbed his hand against her knee. "I know…and I know she has her ulterior motive that she thinks we're too stupid to figure out…but maybe there is a small part of her that does want to spend some time with you."

"That would be nice…and I feel terrible for doubting it but I do."

"You're entitled to your feelings, Jo…it isn't like she's given you much reason to have confidence in that idea."

"That's true," she replied; "At times I feel like I'm only hanging onto threads with her. We were closer in the midst of danger than we are now that we can have a little more freedom and breathe a little easier…at least in the danger respect. The media and the world at large is a different story but still."

"I know," he said quietly.

"I kind of knew it would happen though," she admitted. "I knew it the day we got back from Wyoming; I just knew that now that she didn't have to be bothered with me in regard to her job, she'd pull back. I keep trying to hang on to the rope…sometimes she lets me and the rest of the time I feel like that rope is fraying and I'm just barely hanging there…waiting on her to come back before it breaks off completely."

Jim wrapped an arm around her and pulled her against his side in a tight embrace. "I know…she doesn't make it easy; it's bad habit of hers. I love her with all my heart but sometimes it seems like Katie wants some people to chase her in order to prove something to her instead of just holding still and letting them love her. I know it's hard for you…but hopefully one day she'll settle a little and she'll get back to the way it was before you moved home with me."

"I hope so," she said softly.

Jim rubbed her arm soothingly. "I know you don't like the unspoken reason for today's trip…but you have to do it anyway, sweetheart."

"I know."

"And just think, you might get lucky and the media won't find out that you and Katie are out and about in the city…and then maybe the day will turn out the way you want it to."

She gave a nod. "We can hope."

"That's right, we can…and I'll be hoping for it the whole time for you. Now get your shoes on, she'll be here any minute."

Johanna pulled away from him and reached for her boots, pulling them on and zipping them before she sighed and rose from the bed.

"You look pretty," Jim told her as she fussed with the hem of her royal blue top.

She gave him a smile. "Thank you, honey."

"I mean it," he said, returning her smile. "I always like when you wear that pair of jeans."

"Oh? Why is that?"

He grinned. "Because as much as I hate to see you go, I do enjoy watching you walk away in them."

"That's what you say about the pants I wear to workout in."

"It's true on both counts," he said as he rose and moved to her side, his arms slipping around her waist. "It's not my fault that you have so many nice views to offer."

She laughed softly. "You must really love me to still think so after all these years."

"I do really love you; and you're still gorgeous."

Her hand caressed his face. "And you're still the most handsome man I know."

"Keep that up and I won't let you go out today."

"Okay," she replied with a smile; "Keep me home with you."

He chuckled quietly before catching her lips in a kiss. "I would but then Katie would be mad at both of us."

Johanna sighed. "Yeah...and that would kill the mood."

"At least for a little while," Jim replied. "I'm sure I could find it again and bring it back to you."

"Most likely," she remarked, stealing one more kiss and then reluctantly abandoned the warmth of his arms to get her purse.

"Do you have everything you need?" her husband asked.

"Do you mean the gun?" Johanna replied.

"That's one of the things."

"I've got it," she remarked; "I hate carrying it…but I'm not sure I can do without it."

"I don't want you going out without it; not anytime soon."

"I know…and honestly, I don't know if I'll ever feel safe without it," she remarked quietly.

"I don't blame you for that feeling," Jim replied as he watched her unzip her purse to be sure that it was tucked inside the compartment she had assigned it to. "Do you have your phone?"

"Right here," she said as she picked it up from the bed and tucked it inside her bag.

"What about your glasses?"

Johanna wrinkled her nose. "I could probably do without them."

"Take them, Johanna. If you don't, you'll be squinting at the menu if Katie picks some place that likes small print."

She sighed once again and moved to the nightstand and picked up her reading glasses, carrying them back to her purse and pulling out the case for them and putting them inside. "I could've just made her read me the menu to prove she has daughterly concern for her mother who has to squint at small print."

"You could but she'd probably be a smart ass about it; and I think you get enough of that from her," Jim replied.

"Most likely true," she replied as she picked up her purse to make the trek downstairs to get her coat.

"I'm still going to get you another pair of glasses made so you can just leave a pair in your purse," her husband stated while following behind her.

"Maybe we should do that," she relented. "Then I won't have to worry about forgetting them."

Jim took her coat off the hook near the door and held it out for her to slip into. "Are you sure your hand is alright?" he asked.

"It's fine," she assured. "The cut is closed, there's no sign of infection; you thoroughly checked it."

"It doesn't hurt from peeling what was left of the stitches off?"

"No; it's fine…I hate having that little scar but it's light. It might fade out in a few months."

"I'm sure it will," Jim told her, picking up her keys from the stand and handing them to her to put in her purse. "Have a good time today…or as best a time that you can, all things considered."

She smiled. "I'll do my best…but as always, I'll be glad to get home to you."

"Don't worry; I'll be here," he replied. "If you need me, call…I don't care what she says about it."

"I will," she promised as they heard footsteps on the porch.

A moment later, Kate knocked on the door and Jim went to open it.

"Is she ready?" Kate asked.

"Hello to you too," Jim stated. "I'm fine, how are you?"

She smirked at him. "I'm sorry, Dad. Hello; is she ready?"

"She's ready," he said as he stepped back and let her into the house as Johanna took her sunglasses from the pocket of her purse.

"For the love of God, Mom; don't wear those damn things all day long," she stated.

"Wow," Johanna replied; "We really do have to work on proper greetings with you. The cop habit of barging in and making demands is seeping into your private life and it's not cute at all."

"I'm sorry; but seriously, don't wear those all day."

"Katie," Jim warned.

"You know why she does it, Dad."

"I have a feeling you don't know all of why she does it," he remarked.

"I'm pretty sure I've got the picture of why she does it, it's so she can hide."

"Yes," Johanna said; "It's so I can hide my eyes from the sun…haven't you heard that you're supposed to protect your eyes against UV rays?"

"Yeah; I've heard it…it's a convenient excuse."

"Katie," Jim said firmly. "You're not getting mother-daughter day off to a good start."

"Well I don't want her hiding all day."

Johanna sighed. "Katie, you seem tense…are you sure you want to do this?"

"If I didn't, would I be here?" she asked.

She shrugged. "I don't know…sometimes I can't tell with you; but you seem like you don't want to do this and feel like you have to for some reason."

"I'm fine," Kate remarked; "If you're ready, let's go…I want to beat some of the crowds."

Her daughter's demeanor didn't put her at ease about going…she felt like she was being taken as some sort of obligation, not to mention that she had her suspicions that Kate wanted them to be seen. "Maybe we should do this some other time," Johanna said quietly.

"Why?" her daughter asked.

"Because you don't really seem like you're up for it, and it's okay if you're not. I'm sure you had a long week at work and you probably need to unwind."

"We're going today," Kate replied. "I told you, I need a dress. Let's go."

Johanna turned to Jim to kiss him goodbye, seeing the slightly uneasy look in his eyes as if he sensed that the day wasn't going to go in the direction he had hoped. She offered him a small smile, a silent message passing between them that she too knew the outlook for the day looked somewhat grim. "I love you," she murmured.

"I love you too…call if you need me," Jim told her.

"She'll be fine, Dad; she'll be with me."

"Yeah; well, the mood you look like you're in, I wouldn't be surprised to get a call to pick her up somewhere."

Kate shook her head. "I'm fine, she'll be fine…it'll all be fine."

Jim nodded but glanced to Johanna. "Call, don't take a cab."

"I promise."

Kate muttered something under her breath as she opened the door and her parents followed her outside. She knew she wasn't hiding her agitation too well but she had a lot on her mind…and she knew that at some point of the day, her mother probably wasn't going to be too happy with her when she sprang a little tidbit of news on her. She didn't want to think about that though…she didn't want to think too much about any part of this day that she had set in motion but she had to…and she knew without a doubt that it was all going to come back to bite her in regard to her mother. Her very sensitive mother…her easy to rile, easy to offend mother…and the thought only irritated her more.

She left her parents on the porch to say their goodbyes again and moved down the steps, willing her mother to get over her usual reluctance so that they could get a move on. Finally, Johanna moved away from her husband and came down the steps to join her on the sidewalk. "Bye, Dad; see you when we get back," Kate told him.

"Be careful," Jim replied.

"We will be, I promise," she said, as she turned to head for the car, her mother trailing along beside her.

Once they were both in the car, Kate took her phone from the pocket of her jacket and tapped out a quick message. She hit send and shoved it back into her pocket before starting the car, noticing that her mother's gaze was fixed upon the house, more specifically, her husband, as if she had to commit him to memory just in case she didn't get back to him.

"I promise I'm bringing you back," she told her, giving a little wave to her father as she pulled away from the curb.

"I know that," Johanna said softly, a small lump in her throat as her home faded from view and her husband along with it.

"You don't look like you know it."

"Nothing's guaranteed, Katie."

"You're going to be fine, you're with me and I promise I'm brining you back when we're finished today. You left with Valerie not so long ago; that must not have bothered you too much."

"That's what you think," her mother murmured. "It's never easy for me to leave the house without him. It was very difficult to go with Valerie that day."

Kate sighed. "I know you don't like to hear this but maybe therapy would help with that."

Johanna glanced at her. "I don't need therapy; all I need is time. Being hesitant about leaving my husband isn't a slight toward you or a sign that I don't have faith in your ability to get me back home safely. It's just something I have to work through…and that requires time, patience, and understanding."

"Did Valerie understand the day you left with her?"

"Yes," Johanna replied. "Valerie has always understood me."

"And I don't?" Kate asked; her jaw tightening.

"When you want to and when you're in the mood to, you understand. When you're determined I'm wrong, you don't."

"I still think therapy would be good for you."

"If this shopping trip is some sort of intervention, I'm not interested," her mother remarked.

"It's not an intervention; I'm just suggesting that therapy would be a good thing for you…and maybe some medication for anxiety since you seem to get antsy about leaving Dad."

"Wow, therapy and medication; why don't you just have me put away on a nut farm," Johanna remarked.

"No one said you're nuts."

"It feels like you're getting ready to climb that tree," Johanna remarked. "I don't need medication and I don't need therapy. I just need people to give me time to breathe."

"You really don't think there would be any good in therapy and maybe a low dose of anxiety medication?"

"Oh sure, Katie; it would look real good in the headlines; Johanna Beckett seeking therapy for her warped mind; spotted filling prescription at pharmacy, details at eleven. Yeah, that would be good for me; I can just imagine what all would be said; who'd they pay off for the information…and there wouldn't be a damn thing I could do about it since sources are protected. Yeah, those would be good times for sure."

"You could go to Doctor Burke; he wouldn't sell you out."

"You can't say that for sure and besides, I don't trust some members of my own family not to sell me out, let alone some doctor. I keep waiting for Colleen to seize the moment."

"Do you really think she'd do that?"

"For the right price she would," Johanna said, her gaze on the scenery passing by the window.

"Hopefully no one will offer," Kate replied; "Or they won't offer enough."

"She'd probably do it for a hundred dollars; Colleen has a deep love of money and revenge."

"I know she's hateful right now but I really don't think she'd stoop that low…not for just a hundred dollars anyway…maybe five hundred."

"We'll have to agree to disagree on that. Where all are we going today?"

"I told you; we're going to some boutiques and stores and then lunch."

"Will Rick be joining us for lunch?"

"No; why would he?"

Johanna shrugged. "I was just asking."

"Why?" Kate demanded to know.

"No reason, really. I was just trying to make conversation."

"Seems like there would be a reason…I mean would it be a problem for you if he was joining us?"

"No, of course not," Johanna said; "I just thought he might pop up somewhere, he usually does, and no I don't mean that in a bad way. I just figure he'd want to see how we're doing since you seem so uptight about it."

"And you're the picture of mental health, right?" her daughter shot back. "You have a death grip on your purse."

Her mother glared at her. "Maybe it's your driving."

"No, it isn't; you've been in the car with me enough to be used to my driving and besides, you're a worse driver than I am, madam speed limits are just a suggestion."

"I quote my brother once and never hear the end of it," Johanna said as she forced her fingers away from the strap of her purse. "I didn't mean to ruffle your feathers by suggesting that your boyfriend would check up on you…I mean it's not like he doesn't so I don't know what the issue is but I apologize."

"He can check on us by phone," Kate stated. "It's just us today."

"Well maybe we can all go out to dinner one night, you and Rick and your father and I."

"That would like confirmation of a relationship and I can't afford that right now."

"I was just trying to show you that I'm willing to include him. I thought since you don't like to come over, maybe going out would be less pressure."

"We'll have you over one night," Kate replied.

"You know that when people say that it automatically translates into 'we won't have you over', but that's beside the point. I don't believe you're the lady of the house and therefore can't issue that invitation."

"I can invite anyone I want."

"What's wrong with coming to my house?"

"People are probably watching your house more closely than anyone's."

"You always have an excuse, don't you?"

Kate found herself sighing once more. "It would just be better to have you both come over to Castle's because then Martha would be there too."

"Why does Martha have to be there?"

"Because she's his mother…I mean why would we have dinner with just my parents and not include his parent? I wouldn't want her to feel left out, would you?"

"I don't think one occasion could be considered as blackballing her," Johanna remarked; "Besides, you have dinner with her all the time and _your_ mother isn't present…do you ever worry about her feeling left out?"

Kate turned up the radio. "I'm not doing this with you today."

"Doing what?"

"Dealing with your asinine jealousy of Martha."

"I'm not jealous; I was just making a point based on what you said."

"The discussion is closed, Mother."

Johanna sighed. "What's wrong, Katie?"

"Nothing," she said in exasperation. "What's with you today?"

"I just know when something is on your mind, that's all. Maybe I could help…I have before. I'm willing to help you with whatever the problem is."

"There's nothing wrong," her daughter replied. "I just want to find a dress and get through this day."

"I didn't realize that being with me is a chore," Johanna said; "But remember, it was your idea to bring me."

"It's not a chore, it's just that we can't be in the same room together for more than five minutes without you wanting something more than I'm currently giving. I don't know what it is with you and dinner but it drives me crazy."

"I'm sorry," her mother said sincerely. "I didn't mean to annoy you."

"I get that you always ran home to your mother's table every Sunday," Kate remarked. "But this isn't the 1970s and I'm not you; and people don't do this family dinner thing anymore. It's a thing of the past; you need to let it go. People have their own lives and they don't revolve around dinner. It's bad enough that I have to carefully orchestrate my dates so the media doesn't see too much; I have to worry about being called out to work and you think I have time to keep up appearances at your table too. I was just there Sunday!"

"Katie, all I did was say that we could all go out to dinner one night, I didn't mean any harm by it and I surely wouldn't want to disrupt your life or put the spotlight on you for it. It was a stupid idea and I apologize. I don't expect you at my table every Sunday; I know you're grown and have your own life, I just like to have a meal with you once in awhile, that's why I invite you over. I didn't realize I was causing you so much stress by doing so. As for Sunday, I don't recall asking you to come over…you told me you were coming when you came to see about why I was at the hospital. I invited you and Rick to come back for dinner that same day but you declined and said you'd be there Sunday. I didn't make any mention of Sunday, you did."

"Dad told me to come Sunday when I took him dinner while you were at Valerie's."

"Then maybe your issue this time is with your father?

Kate glanced at her. "Why do you think he wanted me to come? He wanted me to come for you."

Johanna frowned. "I'll have a word with him; it won't happen again. I don't need him finding me dinner dates, especially when it's someone who doesn't want my company. I'll handle it, don't you worry. But I am very sorry, Katie; I won't make any more unwanted invitations."

Kate said nothing in return, feeling somewhat guilty for going down that road with that topic. She shouldn't have had that discussion on a day when she was already feeling frustrated…and somewhat guilty. But she couldn't take the words back now and she figured if she apologized, her mother would only assure her that apologies weren't necessary. She stopped for a light and cast a quick glance at the passenger seat where her mother was being very quiet as she took her phone from her purse.

"Don't call Dad," she implored. "He'll just get mad and I'll have to listen to him yell at me and I just don't feel up to that today. Just…don't mention it to him, please?"

"I wasn't calling him…or texting him," Johanna replied.

"Oh."

Silence fell between them, a pause on the radio allowing Kate to hear the sounds of Candy Crush being played on her mother's phone. They weren't even at their first stop yet and already things had deteriorated enough that her mother would rather play a game on her phone than converse with her further. It wasn't going to be easy to play the role of a happy mother and daughter…it seemed like their moments of happiness with each other were few and far between.

* * *

They had been browsing at the first boutique that Kate had picked for nearly a half hour and Johanna felt herself relaxing as she looked at sweaters and jeans that had embroidery on the pockets and cute little designs down the legs. Her daughter seemed a little more relaxed as well, commenting on items she liked…softly whispering about the high prices of some items that they liked but couldn't bring themselves to buy. A small spark of hope sprang to life within her that the day wouldn't go as badly as she had feared; maybe a tense car ride was the worst that would come of it and things would go smoothly from here on out.

"Let's go look at the dresses," Kate said as she caught her eye, her hand gesturing to the other side of the store.

"Alright," Johanna replied, falling into step with her. "I'm not sure were going to find anything though…at these prices."

Her daughter smiled. "They are a little higher in price than I anticipated."

"Who told you about this store?"

"Lanie; she got a dress here for some occasion that I can't recall…remind me to ask her if she's crazy or if she got a really nice raise."

Johanna nodded. "Let me know what the answer is…I mean they have beautiful clothes but if I bought a pair of jeans for $110, and that's the sale price, your father would probably wrap them around my neck."

"Yeah; I could see that happening," her daughter replied with a laugh before lowering her voice some more. "I definitely don't see me getting a dress here but at least I can look and see if anything gives me an idea of something specific to look for."

"That's true; and who knows, maybe we'll stumble across a clearance rack."

Kate scoffed. "I have feeling they've never heard of a clearance rack here if sale prices are still over a hundred dollars for a pair of jeans."

Her mother smiled. "I taught you well."

"Yes, bargain hunting is in the blood," she admitted with an amused smile. "You did give me a generous budget for prom though."

"Prom is a special occasion that requires a special budget," Johanna remarked; "But honestly I tried to get you whatever dress you wanted for any school dance you attended from middle school through high school."

"You did get me every dress I wanted…even if it had to be special ordered; we just didn't tell Dad about the additional cost."

"Right; those are secrets guarded by mother-daughter confidentiality."

Kate nodded. "He didn't need to know; it would've just upset him."

"Yes, and he already had stress from work, we didn't need him to have dress stress, it wouldn't have been good for him."

"We're very considerate of his feelings," Kate remarked.

Johanna gave a nod. "Just goes to show how much we love him."

"I hope he appreciates all of our hard work to keep him stress free," she said, a smile playing on her lips.

"Oh I'm sure he does….and just so you know, when the time comes, you'll also have a very generous budget for your wedding; and that's a mutual decision by your father and I."

"There's no proposal, Mom; let's not go there."

"I know; I'm just saying…when the time comes, we're prepared and you can have everything you want; we'll take care of everything."

Kate gave her a humoring nod. "Good to know; but I don't need a wedding dress today; just a dress for a book party."

Before she could comment further, Johanna caught sight of photographers outside of the window of the boutique, their cameras clicking away as she and Kate browsed at the rack of dresses. She was surprised they didn't just storm the place to get the pictures they desired and force them into issuing statements, denials and whatever else they wanted; the list did seem never ending. Thankfully though, none of the pests made a move toward the door, content with their view through the large plate glass windows. "They found us quickly, didn't they?" she whispered as she turned to her daughter.

Kate gave a nod, glancing at her for a brief second before shifting her gaze back to the dresses on the rack. She hadn't shifted her gaze fast enough though, Johanna saw something flick across her daughter's face and it wasn't distress or annoyance that they had been discovered and would most likely be followed for their whole outing. No, she didn't look upset about it…or surprised. The look that flashed across her daughter's face had been one mixed of guilt and deceit; a look she knew all too well after spending twenty-five years in the courtroom…not to mention her stint as the mother of a teenager. She knew that look…and she felt her heart plummet as she made sure no one was nearby to hear what she was about to say.

"You tipped them off, didn't you?" Johanna asked in a harsh whisper, feeling that spark of hope fizzle and die; the relaxed feeling between them fading rapidly.

Kate continued to look through the rack, her gaze pinned to the selection before her. "I didn't do it personally, if that's what you're asking."

She bit the inside of her cheek, a multitude of feelings welling up within her. "You had your boyfriend do it."

"Not exactly."

"What do you mean not exactly?"

"It doesn't matter, Mom."

"It matters to me. Maybe I feel I have a right to know. I feel like I'm the only one out of the loop in your little charade you're putting on."

Her daughter huffed softly. "We had Martha do it," she whispered, her voice so low that Johanna just barely heard the words.

"Martha," she repeated, her anger growing. "She has a distinctive voice, you know? Don't you think it'll come to light that it was her? I'm sure you and Rick wouldn't let her go down as a traitor, so then it would fall to you…and you'll look like a fraud and so will I and we'll be even more damaged in the eyes of the public…the same public that will be in the pool of jurors for the damn trial."

Kate cut her gaze toward her, taking note of the look of betrayal on her mother's face as she pulled a dress off the rack and held it out to look over. "Martha is a trained actress and very capable of disguising her voice. She used a burner cell and made the call under Rick's supervision, and it was done away from the loft, not that we think anyone will go through the trouble to pinpoint where the cell signal came from but we didn't want to take chances just in case. The media doesn't care about who the source is, they just want the information."

"Do tell, what lines did your actress give to tell where she got her information from?"

Kate stiffened at the remark and her mother's tone. "She was to say that she overheard me on the phone while I was out in public yesterday."

"Did Martha know that I didn't know about this little plot?"

"Of course," she replied. "She thought it was best that I set up the plans for our day but didn't tell you everything; she said you would act more natural if you didn't know…and that when the cameras did show up, you'd still act as natural as you can be when they're around. We didn't want you to be tense from the get go…and I really didn't expect them to get to our first destination, I thought they might catch us at the next one, but it's fine…we've just looked around in here more than I thought we would but everything is fine."

Johanna smiled. "It's so nice that you discuss important things with your boyfriend's mother but not your own. I'm so glad you blatantly withhold information and save the snow jobs for me and give the best of yourself to Martha. It's really quite lovely."

"Don't start that crap," Kate said sharply.

"I'm surprised you didn't bring her along…but then again, she had a role to play."

"Drop it, Mother," she hissed.

"Why would you tip them off, Katie?" Johanna whispered. "I thought it was supposed to be our day…at least as much as it could be. I guess I know now why you were in a mood when you picked me up…but ever since we got here, I thought we were doing good…I thought we were going to have a nice day like you alluded to wanting. I mean I know the possibility that they'll spring up is always there, but to set it up yourself?"

Kate's eyes narrowed at her as she glanced at her. "How else are they supposed to get the pictures of us that they want?" she asked tartly. "They wanted to see us together, they want us to prove were not estranged…now they're seeing us, now they know."

Johanna's gaze lowered, her fingers rubbing against the cool silk of a dress on the rack; it hurt to know that this day was what she had suspected all along…a ploy, a way for Kate to prove her statement true…and not about having a mother-daughter day as claimed. She could feel her throat tighten with emotion but she forced back the tears that threatened to fill her eyes.

"Don't stand around looking like you're at an execution," her daughter hissed. "We have to look happy and relaxed; you have to play your role and I have to play mine. You can be mad at me later."

"If we're going to be playacting, you should've taken some lessons from Martha so I wouldn't have seen your guilty conscience so clearly."

"Mother," she hissed quietly. "Don't."

Johanna swallowed her emotions; there would be plenty of time later to cry and be wounded. For now she'd have to be what her daughter wanted, an actress in a play that had been carefully crafted without her input…she hadn't even been given a script to follow as a courtesy. No; as always, she was merely thrown into the deep end and told to sink or swim. Johanna steeled herself and pasted a smile on her lips. "I'm going to look over there," she told Kate, gesturing to a rack a few feet away.

"Alright, I'll be over in a minute."

"Take your time," she told her; "I'm fine on my own."

Kate watched her go, knowing she was in for a long day as she caught the look on her mother's face as she rounded the rack she had pointed to. She hadn't intended for her to find out that they were only out together so that the vultures could get their pictures and see that she wasn't lying. She had known that she was suspicious…and she wasn't foolish enough to believe that her mother wouldn't figure out part of it sooner or later…but she had been hoping for later.

She waited a few minutes and then crossed the store to where her mother was looking through more dresses, her thoughts clearly elsewhere as she slid them down the rack without more than a casual glance. "See anything you like?" she asked lightly, noticing that they were now under more scrutiny from the store's employees.

"No, not today; what about you? You're the one looking for a dress," Johanna remarked.

"I saw a few nice ones but I want to shop around a little before I decide; you want to go somewhere else?"

Johanna gave the expected nod and smile. "Yes, what do you have in mind?"

"Let's look in a few more shops around here and then we'll head to the usual places," Kate replied.

"Alright," she said, wishing she could just go home instead of going along with this game. She reached into her purse for her sunglasses and her daughter's fingers curled around her wrist.

"No sunglasses," she whispered.

"Aren't we walking?"

"Yes; but you don't need the sunglasses."

"I beg to differ," Johanna replied as she shook off Kate's grip.

"Please don't wear those damn things," her daughter whispered.

"It's sunny out, Katie; you know I squint when it's bright out," she stated as she pulled her sunglasses from her purse and slipped them on in one smooth motion.

Kate swallowed her words as they neared where the salesgirls were standing and allowed the issue to pass for the moment, but she wouldn't let it go completely. The photographers and freelance reporters were still hovering on the sidewalk, waiting for them to emerge and she could see the tension filling her mother's body. "It'll be fine," she whispered to her. "Just stay close."

The voices started yelling their names as soon as Kate pushed the door open and Johanna felt her stomach clenching. She hated this. Every time she thought things had died down and she might have a small semblance of peace before the chaos of the trial began, she was proven wrong…and this time it was by her own daughter's hand. It felt like betrayal; and she couldn't help but wonder if it some comeuppance for her own betrayal that she had committed by leaving. The constant clicking of cameras made her sick, the swell of voices and footsteps following them as they made their way to down the street to the next boutique. The questions were always the same, wanting to know where she'd been, why she had gotten involved in Pulgotti's case in the first place. Those on the payroll of Bracken's brother liked to shout questions asking why they were framing the good senator; asking how many mob members she defended, why was she a coward who ran instead of fighting?

There were more questions shouted at their backs as she tightly clutched the strap of her purse. Questions about their relationship; were they really getting along fine, was Kate really happy to have her back home like she claimed.

"Asource tells us you were at the hospital the other night, Mrs. Beckett _,"_ a reporter called out as he hurried to match their stride.

Johanna glanced at him, seeing that it was the same man who had stopped her in the parking lot at the market, a reporter named Emilio.

"Why were you at the hospital?"

Before she could stop herself, a retort rolled off her tongue. "Didn't your source tell you?" she asked snidely.

The reporter smiled. "Now, Mrs. Beckett; don't be hostile, but yes, my source said you had a knife wound in the hand."

Johanna gave a tight lipped smile. "It's nice to know that one of the employees of the hospital had no qualms about breaching my privacy…apparently ethics are easily done away with for a quick dollar."

"Well, did you have a knife wound?" Emilio asked. "If so, how did it occur? Did your husband do it? Sources claim that your marriage is on the rocks."

"That's a lie!" she yelled; "And no my husband didn't do it, my husband would never hurt me and if you ever say that again, I will slap a lawsuit on you for slander, now get the hell away from me."

"Quit engaging with them," Kate told her as she grabbed her arm. "It's what they want."

"I'm not going to let them accuse your father of hurting me! He has never laid a hand on me and I'll be damned if anyone is going make up lies and say otherwise about him."

"Mom, you're giving them what they want," she said, pitching her voice low. "They're pressing your buttons, just be quiet."

"If he didn't do it, how did it happen?" the reporter asked.

"It was a kitchen accident," she said through clenched teeth. "I did it to myself; I was washing dishes and grabbed the blade of the knife by mistake while it was under the water. Now leave me alone."

A voice chuckled behind them. "Seems like you and knives don't get along, Mrs. Beckett," he said snidely. "After all, when your death was staged, it was said you met your end at the blade of a knife."

Kate turned and same the same curly haired reporter who had harassed Johanna to the point of a panic attack and then sold the footage to every news outlet he could. "Get away from us," she told him sternly; "Before it's construed that you're making threats with your clever play of words."

The man smiled. "I made no threat…as for clever words; you'd know all about that wouldn't you? You used some in your statement…I guess your affair with Richard Castle is paying off; the only problem is, everyone knows he writes fiction and they assume the same of you."

"People believe what they want," Kate retorted as she steered Johanna toward the door of the next boutique she had planned for them to go into. "Leave us alone."

They stepped into the store, the heavy glass door closing behind them and muting the chorus of voices that were still calling out and taking photos. "Are you happy now?" Johanna asked quietly.

Kate shot her a sharp look as she propelled her toward the section of the store where the dresses and evening gowns were. "You're the one who made it worse; if you had kept your mouth shut like you've been doing up until your little temper tantrum trip to the market, we might've gotten through it better."

"I'm not going to let them think that I'm an abused wife and that your father is some monster," Johanna said sharply. "I will never be silent when they're slandering him like that and I don't give a damn if you like it or not. We can leave and go home now if you want, I won't mind a bit."

"Oh I'm sure you won't," Kate remarked; "But we're not going home; we're doing everything I planned and they can take their damn pictures and say what they want; don't engage with them, it only encourages them. Now we're going to have the day we planned."

"Yes, of course" her mother stated, pasting on her fake smile. "Our loving mother-daughter quality time...remember, we each have our role to play…try hard to remember what a loving daughter is like; I caught a glimpse of her the other day but she's hard to find today."

"Take your own advice and act like a loving mother who isn't pissed off because her daughter's reasons for an outing don't suit her," Kate retorted; "Now we're done with this discussion."

The discussion might be over, but the feelings would linger, Johanna thought to herself as she drifted to the wall where a few mannequins were displaying cocktail dresses. She felt sick to her stomach as the words accusing Jim of hurting her rolled through her mind. How could anyone ever think that he'd hurt her? The worst thing he had ever done was decades in the past, a night when he had roughly grabbed her by the arm, squeezing it tightly as they fought while he was drunk. There had been a light bruise of his fingertips on her upper arm that night; and she had been fearful in that moment that in his state he might hit her, but he hadn't…he never had…and when she had shown him the mark on her arm the next morning, he had been remorseful…and accepted her ultimatum that he had to stop with his drunkenness or she'd take Katie and leave him. He had stopped…he had been remorseful…the mark on her arm ate at him so badly that she had to cover it with makeup until it faded. He hadn't been himself when he did that, and he never allowed himself to be in that position again. Jim would never hurt her…she didn't even classify that drunken bruising of her arm as being hurt. She trusted him more than anyone in the world; he was her greatest protector…how dare anyone try to label him as an abuser?

"You look like you're ready to go to war with the world," Kate whispered as stepped up beside her. "Please relax and calm down; everyone who matters knows that Dad would never hurt you. Let it go…you've already shown them that he's your soft spot."

Johanna glanced at her as she blinked back the tears that stung her eyes. "My loving daughter, you always know how to make me feel so much better, thank you."

The remark chastened Kate and she wrapped an arm around her in a hug. "I'm sorry; I just don't want you to give them more to use against you."

"You need a dress," Johanna stated, pulling away from her and ignoring her statement. "Let's find it. What color do you want? Do you need a gown or a cocktail dress? Are all of these parties the same or do they differ? I know you've worn cocktail dresses to some of them."

Avoidance, rambling and a shift of topic, Kate thought to herself...her mother was showing shades of Naomi McKenzie again…and she decided that maybe it was best to let her sink into the tactics that she had learned from her own mother. "They all seem pretty much the same; a cocktail dress will do. As for color, black will be fine."

"You wear black all the time," Johanna remarked.

"So do you," her daughter retorted; "You have more pairs of black pants and black skirts than most people."

"Pants and skirts are one thing; dresses for special occasions are another. Why don't you get a color you don't wear much of? What about a rose color?"

Kate wrinkled her nose. "No; I don't think so."

"What about a pretty shade of green to go with your eyes?"

"I'm really not into that wear a color that matches your eyes thing," her daughter replied.

"Alright, how about plum?"

She wrinkled her nose a little. "I like plum but I'm not sure it's the color I want. I think I'd rather stick with black or blue."

"Like the color of a bruise," Johanna muttered.

"What?"

"Nothing, dear."

"If you've got something to say, say it," Kate whispered. "Just smile while you do it so they don't think we have discord between us."

"Great," Johanna murmured; "I've been reduced to an actress in my own life again…because I didn't spend enough time doing that."

"Well whose fault is that?" Kate snapped without meaning to.

Johanna smiled but her eyes were cool, making her daughter shiver slightly beneath her gaze. "You listen to me, I will go through this day smiling and playing my role as you term it…you set up this little day, you tipped off the people following us; you put today in motion, you don't get to take your regret for it out on me."

"I don't regret it," she whispered, although deep inside, a part of her did regret it as soon as she had seen the betrayal on her mother's face.

Her mother scoffed, her smile looking more genuine. "You can't fool me as easily as you think, Katie. I know what my sins are, and I carry them and pay for them every day of my life. Today, this one is yours to carry…so you just lay it across your shoulders like a royal mantel and bear it, my dear…because you're a McKenzie…we make our beds and lie in them, clutching the blanket of determination that we were right in our convictions."

"I'm a Beckett," she stated.

"You're a Beckett," Johanna agreed; "But don't you forget that half of your blood is mine…and it's McKenzie blood."

"I couldn't forget it if I wanted to," Kate replied.

"And you'd like to, wouldn't you?" her mother said softly, her gaze sharp; full or hurt and regret.

"Of course not," she answered quietly.

Johanna scoffed softly. "I don't believe that anymore than you do."

"Mom…"

She shook her head, a smile sliding across her lips. "Smile, sweetheart; the world is watching. Now pick out some dresses to try on so it doesn't look like we're out just for the sake of being out or it'll look suspicious…like some insider called in a tip for a photo op; we wouldn't want that, now would we?"

"No," Kate whispered; anger and remorse of her own swirling within her, making her want to fight, making her want to lash out…and beg forgiveness all at the same time and she hated herself for it. She had no choice but to do what she had done; although she knew her mother didn't see it that way.

"Go on, Katie; grab a few dresses and try them on."

She nodded. "Will you hold my bag?" she asked; holding her purse out to her mother.

"Oh course, dear; I'm good at holding bags," Johanna replied with a smile as she took her purse.

Kate pasted a smile on her own lips at the hint of sarcasm in her mother's voice. "I'll return the favor when you find something to try on."

"Good to know…I'm sure it'll be an adorable photo spread in the tabloids; the Beckett women holding each other's purses, smiling like an adoring mother-daughter duo."

"I do adore you," Kate stated.

Johanna scoffed. "Yeah; about as much as you'd adore a fungus."

Kate rolled her eyes. "I'm going to pick out those dresses to try on now."

"Good, I do love a fashion show," her mother replied. "Don't worry; I won't miss my cues."

Kate blew out a breath as she made a few selections from the rack; suddenly this little media friendly outing wasn't a good idea that it had been the week before…but it was too late to back down now. She'd just have to make it up to her mother later.

* * *

After looking in several shops and trying on a selection of dresses and not finding a dress that suited Kate's preferences, she and Johanna began the long walk back to the car to head to their next shopping destinations. Reporters and photographers followed, pressing close, making Johanna feel like they were sucking all of the air out of her body and she found herself silently telling herself to breathe…to breathe normally and not start gasping for breath as they suffocated her by hounding them; their questions and demands being shouted the whole way. She clutched the strap of her purse tightly, her stomach in knots.

Kate's hand gently wrapped around hers without a word passing between them; just the flurry of cameras clicking to capture the moment. Normally Johanna would've been comforted by her daughter's gesture…after all, holding her hand for a few moments had been the only affectionate contact Kate had allowed between them for a long time when she had first come home. Usually the feel of her daughter's hand against hers took her back to simpler times, happier times…but today there was no comfort or warm memories. Today Katie was holding her hand as part of the show that she was putting on for the world. It was a tactic to show their bond, to look loving and inspire the feelings of sympathy for a harassed mother and daughter, to showcase a feeling of tenderness that might make people view them in a softer way. There was no tenderness for her however, Johanna thought to herself…and for a moment she wished she could brush off her daughter's hand but she knew she couldn't…she had her part to play after all.

They finally reached the car and Kate's hand tightened around hers as she pulled her along to the passenger side of the car. Her daughter unlocked the door in silence and pulled it open, ushering her inside as she moved to block anyone from getting to close as she did so. When her mother was in her seat, Kate shut the door and hurried around to the driver's side and quickly unlocked the door and got in, slamming it behind her and locking it. They remained silent as she put the key in the ignition and started the car, pulling out slowly to avoid hitting the horde that continued to call their names.

The silence was thick in the car and when they were a short distance away, Kate glanced quickly at her mother. Her eyes of course were hidden behind those ever present sunglasses and it annoyed her as she couldn't get a quick read on what was going on in her head if she couldn't see her eyes. She thought that her face might be a little pale, but it might also be her imagination, Kate thought to herself; after all, her mother had a very fair complexion and did look a little pale in the colder months of the year when she didn't get much sunlight to add a little color to her complexion. She had a death grip on her purse again and as she listened, her ears straining to hear, she could make out the soft sounds of her mother breathing deeply and then exhaling slowly, as if she was going through some sort of exercise to keep a panic attack at bay.

"Are you okay?" Kate asked.

"Never better," Johanna replied.

"You don't have to lie."

Johanna glanced at her daughter. "You didn't have to lie either…you didn't have to set me up with some story that we were going out today to spend time together. You could've told me you were trotting me out because you were tipping off the media. I can't stand it when they swarm around me like that, Katie! I feel like they're sucking all of the air out of my body. You had no right to put me in this position without discussing it with me first."

"Okay, number one, you have a lot of nerve talking about putting people in certain positions," Kate retorted. "Number two, if I had told you before hand, you wouldn't have gone. Number three, this is why you need therapy; and number four, you need to relax, I am with you, I have a gun, you have a gun, no one is going to hurt you. You've got yourself convinced that their waiting to do something to you and they're not. They want to annoy you and pry into your personal business but they're not going to do more than that. Just relax, you're fine. You went out with Valerie and I assume you did fine so what is the issue today?"

"When I went out with Valerie, we weren't followed down the street by reporters. Someone clicked a picture of us somewhere and put it online but no one approached us, we were left alone…and no one tipped off the media to every move we were going to make. You, on the other hand, tipped them off and now we're being hounded and I don't handle that the way you like. Well I'm sorry I'm not perfect like you, Katie. I'm sorry that things bother me…clearly nothing bothers you but me."

"You think this doesn't bother me!?" Kate exclaimed. "Believe me, I'm bothered! Why do you think I'm doing this! I'm doing it so they'll leave me alone!"

"They're not going to leave you alone just because they get a picture of us together in public; they're just going to want more and more because that's how parasites are, Katie!"

"And mothers," she mumbled.

Johanna glanced at her. "Katie, if you don't want me in your life, just say the word and I'll stay out of it."

"You say that like it would be easy for you to do," Kate retorted, stung by the words her mother had spoken.

"It wouldn't be easy but I'd respect your wishes as best as I could. I don't know what else to do, I thought we made a lot of progress over the summer and then when the showdown was over, it was like you started pushing me away, like you changed your mind…and it's fine if you have but you can just say so. You don't have to go through all the hateful words and actions to make me go; just tell me to go and I will. I don't want to be the thing in your life that you dread. It's not good for either one of us."

Her daughter blew out a frustrated breath. "I don't want you out of my life, Mom; but what you don't get is that it's hard to go from having you constantly for nineteen years and then having a constant of nothing for thirteen and now you're here again and it's just hard to find a balance that keeps us both happy. I know it was better between us over the summer but we didn't have any choice but to be together constantly then and now we do have a choice…and it's hard for me to want to be around a lot when all of this media attention is going on, when I'm under investigation by I.A., when I'm trying to juggle a relationship and my job. I don't know what you want from me."

"Nothing," Johanna replied softly. "I don't want anything from you…at least not anything you don't want to give willingly. It's hard for me too, you know…to be a constant in your life for nineteen years…and then to spend thirteen years separated from my child; and then to come back to a young woman who doesn't know what to do with me and doesn't really want me around unless it's convenient."

"It's not like that, Mom."

"It is," she said, her voice growing tight with emotion; "But it's fine, I can deal with it…I have before from someone much worse than you."

Kate sighed. "Please don't cry…I can't stand it when you cry."

"I promise I won't shed a tear in front of you, Katie."

"Let's just get through this day," Kate murmured; "Let's just get through this and I promise we'll find a day that can be the way you want it to be…with no media tip offs. We'll do the shopping and the lunch and everything just the way you want it to be…even if we have to drive to New Jersey to accomplish it without an audience, okay?"

"Yeah, sure."

"I'm serious," her daughter stated. "We'll do it over without the grief of the media…and I know, I brought it down on you today but I felt like I had no choice and I need you to understand that."

"Of course," Johanna replied.

"I hate when you do that," Kate sighed.

"Mothers do a lot of things that people hate…that's why we get lumped into that parasite class."

"I didn't mean it!"

"Sure you didn't."

"Mother, please."

"Quit calling me Mother!" Johanna yelled. "Now I know why your grandmother hated it!"

"What's wrong with it?" Kate asked.

"Because when daughters say 'Mother' in that certain tone of voice, it really translates into 'Bitch'."

"It does not!"

"It does, trust me…and then I get the urge to slap you."

"I called you "Mother" all summer."

"I know…and I was willing to take it then because it was all you'd give me…but now since you're willing to call me 'Mom'…I would prefer 'Mom'."

"God you're exasperating," Kate remarked.

"Must be hereditary…you're not exactly a day at the beach yourself…and I don't get a term to call you in a certain voice…I can't walk around calling you 'Daughter'."

Kate smiled. "I thought your certain word was 'Katherine'…"

"I hope to God that one day you have a daughter just like you or worse," Johanna replied.

"Yeah; you've mentioned that before."

"I'm going to keep mentioning it clear up until the day you give birth."

"Great, something to look forward to," Kate replied; "But before you go planning my children, can we just find this damn dress?"

"You're the one who's being picky," Johanna remarked; "I'm not sure if it's so we can be in public longer or if there's some extra significance besides a book party…is he proposing at this party?"

"No!" she yelled, slamming on the brakes as she came upon a light with little notice. 'Why would you even think that?"

"I don't know, it just came to mind…I'm just trying to make conversation."

"Well don't make that one! Oh my God, I've spent some part of the day telling you I have to hide my dates and you think he's going to propose at a book party! Are you crazy?"

"Well considering you want to send me to therapy and medicate me, I'd say I probably am," Johanna remarked; "As for the proposal that's not happening, it was just a thought; why else would you be so bent out of shape about a dress?"

"If Castle was going to propose, do you think he'd tell me before hand so I could plan a specific dress?"

'No; but Martha might tip you off."

"I'm not discussing Martha with you, you get too…"

"Let's just got to Bloomingdales, Katie," Johanna stated, ignoring the remark that had been left dangling. "Maybe we'll find your dress there."

Her daughter nodded. "That's where we're going."

"Do they know that's where we're going?"

Kate didn't have to ask to know who 'they' referred to. "It was probably mentioned as a place we'd stop at but they won't be able to get pictures there like they were at the boutiques, they'll have to wait until we come out, unless they send someone in to take pictures with their phone…so we're still going to have to try and do our best here…you know, don't look so unhappy…make sure the sunglasses are in your purse when we get inside, don't be so quiet…people need to see us talking or they're going to think we're just staging this."

"Well aren't we?" Johanna asked.

"Yes," she hissed in exasperation; "But they don't need to know that; my God, are you sure you wanted to be an actress when you were a kid? Because you're not doing too well with it."

"I spent enough time playing a role, Katie," she replied.

"I know, but this is different…just relax and act normal like you do when you're home, okay?"

"I'll do my best," Johanna replied, a small amount of anger brewing within her at the thought of taking her daughter's orders all day and constantly being critiqued. No, she didn't want this kind of role at all. She just wanted to be herself…she had wanted a day with her daughter that wasn't thick with tension and stress…but clearly it had been too much to ask.

* * *

After they found a place to park and quietly made their way toward the door of Bloomingdales, Johanna breathed a quiet sigh of relief that the vultures hadn't beaten them to their destination. Maybe they'd get lucky and they wouldn't come after them, maybe they had gotten all the pictures and comments that they wanted for the day…at least she could hope, couldn't she?

"Take off the sunglasses," her daughter murmured.

Johanna glanced around, wondering if she had been mistaken and that there was a photographer somewhere close by waiting to get a picture. "I don't see any of them around," she whispered back.

"They're not here…yet, anyway; but take them off, we're going in the store," Kate remarked.

"Katie; I really don't need you to tell me to take my sunglasses off at every destination. I'm not stupid."

"I know you're not stupid, but you have to admit, sometimes you do leave them on for a few minutes once you're in the store…especially when you know they're outside waiting."

Johanna pulled off her sunglasses and shoved them in her purse. "There, they're off; happy?"

"Yes, thank you."

"Oh no problem, and don't worry, I'll squint at the menu during lunch so I don't have to put on reading glasses and offend you further."

"There's no need for that…although knowing you, you'll choose to squint anyway so they don't get any pictures of you with your glasses on."

"I hadn't thought about that…pick a place where the menu doesn't have microscopic writing," Johanna remarked as they moved into the store.

"I'll read the menu to you if I have to," Kate replied; "We're sticking to the plan I have made."

"God forbid we should stray from it," her mother whispered. "Don't you think it looks a little too easy for us to be exactly where we're supposed to be according to a tip?"

"It's the only plan I have, Mother."

Johanna shot her a look. "Didn't I tell you to quit calling me that?"

"Yeah; but that's what I call you when I'm annoyed with you, so…you know, take it as a hint."

"If you weren't my daughter," Johanna muttered.

"If I wasn't your daughter, you'd what?" Kate asked.

"I'd tell you where to get off, if you must know."

"That's not very nice."

"Neither are you, but I'm trying to keep my complaints to a minimum…and haven't called you 'Katherine'."

Kate smiled. "I have a feeling you will before the day is over."

"Which means you have more fun in store for me," her mother sighed. "I can hardly wait."

"I guess you're not having as much fun with me as you did with Valerie."

"Well, it's nothing personal but Valerie went for the relaxing, stress free kind of outing, except for that moment when she drove across the state line, but I'm fine…it was good to go to New Jersey."

Kate glanced at her as they made their way toward the department where the dresses were. "I don't think I know the part about New Jersey…why did you go there?"

"That's where Valerie's favorite salon is; we wanted to get out nails done…and we got our hair cut."

Her daughter cast another quick glance at her. "Oh, you did get your hair cut and re-layered…I didn't notice."

"Your father noticed while I was waiting to get my hand stitched."

"How did he take it?"

"The same way as always…'leave your damn hair alone'…you'd think he'd be used to this cut, I've had this for the majority of years since that first major haircut that nearly gave him a stroke."

"That's probably why I didn't notice; I'm used to it being that way."

Johanna smirked. "Come now, Katie; it had already grown a little before I got back to New York, and it grew out even more over the summer, it was a past my shoulders, there's definitely a difference."

"Alright, so I don't always pay attention, sue me."

"You'd think a detective would pay attention more often."

"That's when I'm at work; off duty, I can take it down a notch."

"I see."

Kate sighed. "It looks good though…more you; not that you weren't you with slightly longer hair, but I am more used to it being short."

"I'm just glad you let yours go back to its natural color," Johanna remarked as she moved to a rack of dresses.

"What are you talking about?" her daughter asked as she followed behind her.

"You used to have it dyed dark…and cut very short."

Her brow furrowed. "I still don't know what you're talking about."

"When Rick started shadowing you…your hair was terrible."

Kate's jaw tightened slightly. "What do you know about it?"

Johanna glanced at her. "I told you, the internet was my friend…you made the papers at times…especially once Rick started tagging along, I saw pictures of you. I hated your hair that year…it was so dark and I don't know who cut your hair like that but I hope you filed charges."

The words slipped from her lips before she could stop them. "Well I guess you should've been here to give your expert advice on hair color and haircuts; maybe you could've stopped me from making such a terrible mistake."

Johanna felt her heart clench and her gaze dropped to the clothes in front of her on the rack. She didn't know what to say in response; really, what was an adequate response when you were once again reminded that you hadn't been there in person like you should've been? "I'm sorry," she murmured.

"Yeah; I know, you always are…do you want to know why I went through a phase of cutting and dying my hair?"

Her mother shook her head. "Not really…I'm sure whatever it is, I'm the blame for it and that's all I need to know."

"I'm going to tell you anyway," Kate remarked; "I went through phases of cutting and dying my hair because sometimes I'd look in the mirror and see your face looking back at me and sometimes I just needed to do something so I'd look a little less like you…so it wouldn't be so hard for Dad to look at me at times, because I know it was. So yeah, I cut it…and yes, there were some terrible cuts and hair colors that were way too dark for my skin tone but to me, it helped, it meant for a little while, I didn't look all that much like you."

"We've never had the same hair color, Katie. You were born with Elizabeth's hair color…dying your hair didn't get rid of me, it got rid of the thing your grandmother was so tickled about; that you shared her hair color."

"I know it's never been your color," she said sharply; "But different colors and cuts give you a different look despite not changing your features."

"So why did you stop? Why don't you do it now…I'm sure it's just as distasteful to look like me now as it was then…should we add it to our agenda today? Maybe you should try being a blonde; you'll be ready for your close up," Johanna retorted; her feelings stung.

"I stopped because I didn't like doing it anymore," Kate replied; "I didn't like my hair that dark and that cut was hideous and botched…so I let it grow out."

"I'm glad," her mother said, her voice clipped. "Your natural color is beautiful and it suits you…not that I'd say a word if you decided to dye it again. Like I said, we can go do it today if you want, I'll even pay for it for you as a little gift."

"I'm not dying my hair or cutting it…I don't have a problem looking like you. It just hurt sometimes, alright."

She nodded but stayed silent, doing her best to hold back tears as she busied herself looking through the selection in front of her.

Her daughter sighed. "Don't you ever look in the mirror and see Grandma looking back at you?" she asked quietly.

"Sometimes," she managed to whisper.

"Doesn't it bother you; doesn't it remind you of the hurt of losing her?"

Johanna shook her head. "I don't need to look in the mirror to be reminded of the hurt; I've felt it every day of my life since she breathed her last breath. When I look in the mirror, I'm just thankful I look like her and not my father."

"I hate to tell you this, but you do look like Grandpa in some ways."

"I do not," she said tartly.

"Tell that to your chin, because that's all Frank McKenzie, Mom."

"It is not," Johanna retorted. "It's my grandmother's!"

Kate shook her head. "That's not Grandma Sophia's chin."

"I didn't mean Sophia, I meant Sarah!" she said, opening her purse and pulling out her wallet in a flurry of motion. She flipped through the few photos in the picture holders in her wallet and turned it to show her daughter the wallet sized photo of Sarah McKenzie that had been found in her letter from Frank. "See; I've got her chin."

"Yeah; I see it…but Grandpa had it too…not to mention your hair color."

"It's Sarah's hair color…and Bridget's too. It came from Sarah. I look like my mother and my grandmother."

"You get a little touchy when someone thinks you look like Grandpa, don't you?" Kate asked as she watched her put her wallet away.

"I don't look like him."

"When you're mad you do; you have some of his expressions."

"Katie, he died when you were eight, I doubt you remember all of his expressions, now shut up and find a dress."

"Yeah; I'd say it definitely touches a nerve for you," Kate remarked as she started to look through dresses on the rack. "Even if you do look like him a little, you're still beautiful."

"Don't try to suck up to me now," Johanna muttered.

"Relax, Mom; you don't look anything like him…now can you go back to being the good side of you, the one that smiles and all that…because you never know who might be lurking in here to see what we're doing and I'd rather not have this family feud about looks on the internet tonight."

"I haven't forgotten my role, Katie; although next time do me a favor and write me a script…I kind of hate how this whole day has been you barking orders at me to smile, laugh, talk a lot, take off the sunglasses and whatever other rules you come up with."

"I told you I'll make it up to you."

"Uh huh," Johanna said, not the slightest bit convinced. "Can I at least try to convince you of a color other than black or blue?"

"You can try but I doubt you'll be successful," she replied.

"What about red?" her mother suggested, holding up a red cocktail dress.

"No."

"Why not; you'll look nice in red."

"I don't want any 'lady in red' comments made by the media," Kate replied; "Because you know that's what they'll say."

"I'm surprised you're going with all of this going on."

"I always go," she remarked; "I can't stop now."

"But do you want to go?"

"Of course," she whispered; "It's important to Castle that I be there; I'm not going to disappoint him."

"What about white?" Johanna asked; selecting another dress.

"No!"

"What's wrong with white?" her mother asked; "You're afraid the media will label it as too virginal?"

Kate's jaw dropped. "I can't believe you said that!"

"What?" she replied with a shrug; "You didn't want to be the lady in red, so I thought white…if they think you look virginal they might forget about those romance rumors that you've been railing against."

"You're so not funny," her daughter stated.

"Just trying to help," Johanna quipped.

"I think you were just trying to be a smart ass."

"No, you'll know when I'm being a smart ass. Here's a nice dress," she said, pulling a blush colored cocktail dress from the rack. "This is very pretty, Katie; you'd look beautiful in this."

"No."

"Why? It's a color I don't see you wear; it'll give you a softer look."

"I'm a cop; I don't want to look soft…especially with what we have in our lives at the moment."

"Can't you just put all of that aside for a night?" Johanna asked as she looked the dress over. "Is it a law that you must always dress in a dark color and look ready for battle? If you're going to this party for Rick, shouldn't you dress to please him as your audience than whoever is standing outside taking pictures?"

"I'm not wearing pink!"

Johanna muttered some choice words about stubborn girls under her breath as she found another dress. "I still say you'd look gorgeous in emerald green," she declared as she held up her selection.

"I like green but not for a dress," Kate stated as she continued to browse on her own. "I'd look like a stalk of celery."

"Oh you would not, don't be ridiculous."

"It's a no, Mother."

"Fine, Katherine. Will you at least try on the pink one to humor me?"

"No; I'm not getting pink!"

"I didn't say you had to buy it, I just wanted you to try it on…what's wrong, you're afraid you might like it?"

"Mom; just let me pick out my own dress; this isn't going as well as when I picked out a prom dress."

"Yeah; that was blue too," Johanna remarked.

"What's wrong with blue?" Kate asked.

"Nothing, dear…I'll go sit down over there by the dressing room and let you find your dress. I knew you didn't need my help; that should've been my biggest tip off about your motivation for this little shopping trip of yours…although I suspected all along that it wasn't what it seemed; and yet I was still foolish enough to hope, fool that I am."

"Knock it off," her daughter replied. "You can guilt me at home."

"I've got things to do when I get home, I didn't pencil in guilt time," Johanna remarked. "Any chance we can skip lunch and head home after you find your dress?"

"No; and you know it. But if it's really going to be a big deal, I'll try on the pink dress to make you happy."

"No, I wouldn't want you to hurt yourself," her mother replied; "Pink isn't your color anyway…definitely too soft for you."

"Do you want to tell me what you mean by that?" Kate asked.

"You're a smart girl, figure it out."

"I think you're calling me a bitch."

Johanna shook her head. "I wouldn't call my daughter a bitch…although I'm not all that sure my daughter wouldn't call me one…she did once when she was sixteen."

"Yeah, and I got slapped for it."

"So you do it under your breath now or when you say 'Mother' in that certain tone of voice," Johanna stated; "But it doesn't matter. I'll be waiting over here when you're ready to try on whatever you find."

"No; stay here with me," Kate said, softening her tone.

"Why?" she asked, that flicker of hope springing to life once more at her daughter's softer tone.

"Because if you're sitting over there by yourself, people will think were fighting and it'll undo what we're hoping to accomplish today."

Johanna gave her a sad smile, that flicker of hope dying within her again. "Katie, do you think at any point of this day you could just lie to me and say 'because I want you here'?"

Exasperation flooded her veins but Kate tried to keep hold of her temper, knowing that the circumstances she had created had her easily riled and ready to fight…and it seemed like her mother was always her favorite opponent. "I do want you here, okay? I know you don't like what I did, but it had to be done and the least you can do is understand that and not make it into some issue of proving a lack of affection or whatever else your brain has conjured up. I know today isn't the way you wanted it to be, but you'll survive…and I told you, we'll do it your way another time."

Johanna remembered a time long ago when her way used to be 'their' way; and it hurt to see that those days were firmly in the past despite those little glimpses of it that Kate gave her when she was staying with her. Her fingers rubbed against the emerald green satin, a pang of longing filling her for simpler days…for the comfort of her own mother who surely would've known how to guide her through this difficult phase of her life. She wished she had someone to talk to about the difficulties of being a mother to a grown daughter who didn't want you around all that much. She thought of her old friend Maggie and wished she knew how to contact her…because she knew that Maggie had a troubled relationship with her own daughter from what she had heard from Jim. She and Maggie could probably relate to each other in that department…or at least form a support group.

"What are you thinking about?" Kate asked.

"Nothing you'd be interested in," she remarked; "Here's a blue dress."

"Tell me," Kate prodded as she accepted the dress and looked it over before laying it over her arm.

"It's nothing, Katie."

"It's something."

"I just miss my friends, okay?" Johanna stated. "I just miss the people I used to go dress shopping with."

Her daughter wrapped an arm around her and gave her a makeshift hug; but Johanna found no comfort in it; wondering if it was for real or for show in case someone was watching.

"I'm sure Sharon will come around sooner or later," Kate told her.

"She won't…I miss Maggie."

"Maggie," her daughter remarked with a wrinkle of her nose. "You miss the cheater that ripped Jeff's heart out."

"That was between them, Katie; she was still my friend…one of my best friends, and I do miss her."

"I don't know, you didn't hesitate to jump into their business when she was keeping the kids from their visitations with Jeff."

"I stepped in for the kids sake and it cost me my friendship," Johanna stated; "Of course it probably doesn't matter given what ended up happening in my own life…but I didn't want that friendship to end, Katie. I just wanted Jeff to see his kids and Maggie knew she was being unfair, she just didn't care at that moment. I still wanted to be her friend…we had been friends longer than either one of us had been married. She was my maid of honor…I was her maid of honor. I don't know what happened that year that made her do what she did…but I think she's probably paid the price for it, she is divorced and her daughter seems to hate her from what I know."

"Oh she does," Kate said. "Chrissy hates her guts."

Johanna nodded. "You see her at the daughters of bad mothers club meetings, huh?"

"No; we have dinner every few months if you must know. I haven't seen her in a few months due to our circumstances, but we trade the occasional text or email."

"I'd ask you to get Maggie's number from her but I'm sure she doesn't have it."

"That's pretty much a guarantee…why don't you just try a little harder with Sharon?"

"Sharon doesn't like running into me at the market and hasn't offered me her phone number so I'm guessing she's not interested in being my friend anymore," Johanna replied. "I want Maggie…Maggie always understood me when Sharon didn't."

"I wasn't aware that there were times when Sharon didn't understand you."

"There were plenty of them," Johanna stated; pulling a black dress from the rack and handing it to her daughter. "But there's no guarantee Maggie would want to talk to me anyway; she had spoken to me for a good while before I had to leave, so I'm sure it would probably be an attempt made in vain."

"Well…just give Sharon some time; you're probably better off waiting on her. Who knows what Maggie's like by now; she's probably not the person you remember."

"That's probably how people feel about me and why they stay away," she murmured.

"It'll work out in time," Kate said, trying to assure her mother as she grabbed a few more dresses. "Come on, I'm going to try these on…try to look a little happier to be here with me, please."

Johanna pasted a smile on her lips and slipped her hand into the crook of Kate's arm in effort to please her as they moved toward the dressing rooms, while thinking to herself that the one thing Maggie had going for her was that her daughter wasn't trotting her out for photo ops and instructing her to look happy every five minutes.

* * *

After a pile of dresses had been rejected, Kate finally stepped out of the dressing room in a cobalt blue cocktail dress that left one shoulder bare while the other was covered with a thin strap that sparkled with the same beading on the bodice of the dress. "That's beautiful, Katie," Johanna stated. "You look very nice."

"You like this one?"

"Yes…but I also liked about fifteen others that you rejected…so should I go look for more since I gave it a seal of approval?"

"No," she said with a shake of her head, a smile on her lips. "I think I like this one…it looks alright?"

Johanna rose from the chair she had been sitting in and moved closer, looking over the dress. "Yes; it fits you nicely and it's a pretty shade of blue. I could lend you your grandmother's sapphire ring to wear with it."

Kate shook her head. "No, I'd be afraid of losing it."

"You won't lose it; I'm sure it'll fit you just fine."

"It's a little showy, Mom."

"So? It's a dress up kind of occasion, why not wear it? It's a family heirloom…it belonged to your great great grandmother Josephina."

"I know, and I appreciate the offer, but I'd just be too nervous. It was Grandma's and if I lost it, you'd be devastated."

"I would be sad that it was gone but it's not the only piece of her jewelry that I have…I have most of it because Colleen wasn't very impressed with her collection."

"That's because Colleen's an ass."

"That's true…but you can still borrow the ring; or at least try it on, if it's loose don't wear it."

"No; I was nervous enough when I'd wear a piece of your jewelry that Dad would let me borrow to wear to these parties."

"Well speaking of my jewelry, I do have a sapphire bracelet that would look nice with this dress."

"You're just not going to rest until I take something out of your jewelry box for the occasion, are you?" Kate asked.

Johanna frowned. "I was just trying to be nice, Katie; wear your own damn jewelry."

"Don't go getting offended; I didn't mean it the way it seems."

"Yeah, you never do," she retorted.

Kate forced her aggravation aside, knowing that she wasn't making things better with her attitude. "I would like to borrow the sapphire bracelet if it's still available."

"You're just humoring me now."

"I'm not," she insisted with an exasperated huff. "I always wear a piece of your jewelry to the book party…why stop now?"

"Maybe it's lost its appeal now that I'm home," Johanna stated.

"No it hasn't…and before you say it, neither have you."

Her mother scoffed. "Let's not get into that. I'm just glad you finally found a dress."

"I'm glad too," Kate replied; "Let me change and we'll get back to shopping."

"We'll need to find you a pair of shoes to match that color and a clutch," Johanna commented.

"Yeah; we do need those things…and something else too."

"What else do you need?" she asked; "Maybe a dress coat to go with it? I'd probably go with black for the coat so you can get more wear out of it."

"I agree," Kate said as she stepped out of the dressing room with the dress laying over her arm. "But it wasn't what I had in mind."

"Oh? Then what else are we in the market for?"

Kate conjured up a smile. "Well…you're going to need a dress too."

Johanna's brow rose, a feeling of dread filling her stomach. "Why?"

Kate could feel the smile wobbling on her lips as she swallowed; her mother wasn't going to like this.

… _to be continued_


	27. Chapter 27

_Author's Note: Thanks for your reviews. Warning, two brief moments of strong language._

Chapter 27- The Actress Hasn't Learned the Lines You'd Like to Hear- Part 2

" _The actress hasn't learned the lines you'd like to hear; she won't join your clubs, she won't dance in your halls..."-Madonna (from Evita)_

"Katie," Johanna said, her voice even and her gaze sharp. "Why do I need a dress?"

Kate blew out a soft breath, struggling to keep the smile on her lips. "Because you're going to the book release party with me."

Johanna's eyes widened as she shook her head. "No, I'm not."

She held her gaze, forcing firmness into her tone. "Yes, you are."

"No, I'm not," Johanna protested. "I wasn't invited, nor was I asked if I wanted to go; and I highly doubt your father would accompany me to something like that. Law firm galas, yes; fancy book release parties, highly doubtful."

"Oh Dad definitely won't go, he never has when he's been invited; but you'll go and accompany me."

"Give me one good reason," her mother said sharply.

"Because we're showing a united front," Kate hissed softly.

Johanna scoffed. "What, like the cousins war, where enemies had to play nice at battles end to make that so called 'united front' for the good of the country?"

Her daughter sighed. "Lay off the historical fiction novels and go back to mysteries and crime novels."

"I still read my mysteries and crime novels; but I also enjoy the historical novels when I want something lighter."

"Yeah, medieval war time in England sounds lighter."

"The novels aren't about the battles; it's about the people who participated; people whose lives were changed. If you haven't read them, don't judge them. I'm not going to that party."

"Yes, you are. As for being invited, Castle invited you, it was his idea; he said it would be a good opportunity for us to be seen together in a highly public way. We'll go with him and Martha and Alexis in the limo…it won't look wrong for Castle and I to be there together with all of you with us and the media will get more pictures of you and I and hopefully that will shut them up for awhile."

Johanna shook her head. "No; I'm not doing it. It'll look fake, Katie. Do you really think people are that stupid? They'll be able to tell that you're manufacturing these photo ops. You're forcing things and they're not going to buy it. Do you really think anyone is going to believe that I'm there because I want to be? It'll look like a big publicity stunt."

"It won't look like that if it's done right," she retorted. "All you have to do is walk the red carpet with me and smile. All you have to do is look happy for a few minutes instead of walking around looking miserable. Today will look better if you smile more and act like they don't worry you."

'They do worry me," her mother remarked. "How do we know one of them won't try to harm us with more than words?"

"They can't afford to do more than wound with words. Now what color do you want for your dress?"

"Katie; I don't want to go," Johanna told her firmly. "I'm not comfortable with the idea…I don't want to be out all evening without your father."

"You just spent two nights away from home; clearly you're fine being away from him."

"I was in the safety of my brother's home," she remarked; "Not sitting in a corner of some party that doesn't interest me. What am I supposed to do there?"

Her daughter smiled. "Be your usual charming self."

"While you're off with Rick doing whatever it is you two do at events? Do you have a corner reserved for me where you'll collect me at the end of the night if you remember?"

"You'll be fine; you can sit with Martha when I'm not with you."

"Has she been informed that she's to be my babysitter when you're not around?"

Kate sighed. "No, that didn't come up in conversation but she agreed it would be a good thing for us to do so that the public can see us…so they don't think we're hiding and guilty of something."

Johanna smiled. "So yet another thing you discuss with someone else's mother before demanding it from me?"

"Well she's there when I am!" she hissed. "Am I not supposed to talk to her?"

"I didn't say not to talk to her; my issue is that you make decisions regarding me with her instead of me…and since it's my life and I'm a grown woman of sound mind and body, I think I should be the one you discuss things with."

"They have more knowledge about the press than you do," Kate whispered.

"Katie, you're not stupid, you know that wasn't my point."

"You'll be fine when we get there, don't worry about it."

"I'm not going," Johanna said sternly. "It will look too staged, Katie. I don't care what Rick and Martha say; it's going to look fake."

"It won't look fake as long as you don't look like you're in a hostage situation."

"They'll know it's a hostage situation," Johanna stated; "Because the only way I'm going is if you manage to handcuff me to your wrist."

"Fine," Kate said with a nod. "I'll take the cuffs off a block away from the party."

"I like how you think you can force me to do things I don't want to do."

Kate turned to face her, her jaw tight. "I don't ask much of you, but I'm asking you to do this."

"No; you're demanding it like you're my keeper," her mother retorted.

"Fine," she smirked, anger and agitation washing over her. "We'll call it what you want. I'm demanding that you do it and you're going to because you owe me that much."

Johanna's brow rose, hurt and anger warring within her. "I _owe_ you?"

"Yeah; you do. You owe me for thirteen years and four months that I spent believing that my mother was dead. You owe me for the time I spent mourning you and trying to get justice for you while trying to keep Dad from drowning in a bottle of whiskey for the first five years. You owe me for everything in my life being about you since I was nineteen years old. You owe me for just showing up out of the blue and having the audacity to think you were going to walk in and we were going to pick up where we left off like nothing had ever happened. You owe me for driving me crazy those first weeks, not listening when I asked you to leave me alone. You didn't give me time to process anything and then the next thing I know, you're on my doorstep at Captain's orders…and that's fine, I'm glad we finally got it settled…but I think I've done a hell of a lot for you and the least you can do for me is put on a damn dress and go to a party and smile so those damn vultures outside get all the pretty pictures they want and leave me alone. You owe me that much…you owe me," Kate said firmly, her voice a harsh whisper.

For a moment, Johanna wasn't standing in Bloomingdales, in front of her grown daughter who had just plunged a knife into the core of her guilt. The words 'you owe me' echoed through her brain and once again she was a young woman in her mid twenties, sitting at her mother's table as her father demanded she handle a legal case for him. _"You owe me_ ," Frank McKenzie had told her after telling her that if it hadn't been for him she'd be nothing, she'd have no law degree. She owed him for tuition to an Ivy League school; owed him for room and board and the monthly allowance he gave her while she was in school to supplement her waitressing wages. She owed him for paying her first two months rent and security deposit while she was getting her career off the ground. She owed him…and she had been forced to do his bidding, forced to take a case that was outside of her usual areas of practice. For a moment, her father was before her once again, his words hanging a noose around her neck.

Johanna blinked rapidly, the memory fading, the image of her father seeping back into oblivion, her stubborn daughter taking it's place before her…and for the first time that she could remember, she could see Frank McKenzie in the stubborn curve of her daughter's chin; the glitter of determination and victory in her eyes that she had often seen in Frank's. She owed her…another debt to be held over her head, another debt to be used against her, another debt to be paid. She felt cold inside, like the chill of the coming winter had swept across her, coating her feelings with frost…and she was glad of it as it kept her eyes dry. The urge to lower her head in defeat was strong, but once again her father's voice whispered from the recesses of her memory.

" _You're a McKenzie; McKenzies don't lower their heads."_

Her back straightened, her chin jutting upwards in true McKenzie fashion. She wanted to be defiant but knew she couldn't be, not with a debt hanging over her…but she wouldn't give her the satisfaction of seeing her wounded. She might have to give in this time but she wouldn't let her see her cry. "What color dress do you want me to get?" Johanna asked, her voice betraying nothing, her tone low and even, never betraying a quiver of emotion.

Kate looked startled by the question, as if she had been preparing herself for the expected tears of her mother…or a harsh battle. "What?" she asked, thinking that she must've misheard.

"What color dress do you want me to get?" Johanna repeated.

This didn't feel right, Kate thought to herself…when she had seen her mother's chin jut upwards that extra notch, she had been sure that she was getting her ass chewed out and that a firm "no" was going to be end of it. She looked at her oddly, trying to decipher what this new tactic was. "You can wear whatever color you want," she told her.

"You're sure?" her mother asked.

"Yeah…why wouldn't you pick the color you want?"

Johanna shrugged, a cool smile touching her lips. "Well I thought perhaps Martha had given you a suggestion for my wardrobe…do you want to call her and confer first? I mean I do want to play my role accordingly, even if I haven't learned my lines yet."

"No, I don't need to consult Martha," Kate said somewhat tartly.

"If you're sure," Johanna said as she went back to browsing.

"What do you mean 'even if you haven't learned your lines'?"

"I'd like to see the Broadway revival of Evita," Johanna remarked as she ignored the statement. "Do you think maybe we can go for your birthday? It could be my gift to you."

"I already saw it with Castle, remember?"

Johanna shrugged. "That doesn't mean you can't see it again; but I'll cross it off the birthday list."

"I don't require a birthday gift, let's not get into the gift thing this year for the holidays; there's already too much pressure."

Once again, Johanna chose to ignore the statement. "Maybe we can go see Evita in December; not as a gift, just because I want to go and I don't have anyone to go with."

"I've already seen it," Kate replied. "It was a great show but I don't feel a need to repeat it."

"Fine, I'll go by myself."

"How did we get on the topic of Evita anyway?"

"I was just thinking about that one song…The Actress Hasn't Learned the Lines You'd Like to Hear."

Kate watched her curiously; realizing that her mother's statement about learning her lines echoed that song but she decided to play along. "Why?"

Johanna shrugged. "It's a catchy musical; that song doesn't get much attention but I've always liked it; it has good lines, evokes feelings on both sides. I understand how she felt about being shunned…and I also understand where the narrator is coming from when he asks, 'do you now serve anyone's cause but your own?'."

Her mother walked away, another rack of dresses beckoning her and Kate watched her go, her head still high, her movements graceful as always…and yet she couldn't help but wonder if her mother was going to treat her time at Castle's book party as her own brief version of Evita's rainbow tour. She wondered if she should be worried…and just who was she referring to when she said she understood the meaning of the line 'do you now serve anyone's cause but your own'?

* * *

Kate was feeling frustrated as they completed their second lap around Bloomingdales in search of a dress for her mother. So far Johanna had rejected every suggested dress on sight and she couldn't help but wonder if she was doing it just to get even for the way she had been coerced into agreeing to attend. A niggle of guilt bothered Kate as she followed her around…there was no pretense of happiness now; her mother's features were sharp with barely hidden anger and her eyes glimmered with a hurt that she wasn't allowing herself to speak. It wasn't going to be easy for them to get through what was left of the day, she mused.

"I want to go to Lord and Taylor," Johanna declared as she put a dress back on the rack.

"Lord and Taylor isn't on my list of places to go today," Kate remarked.

"I don't really care," Johanna said seriously as she met her gaze. "If you want me to have a dress, then we're going to Lord and Taylor."

"Mom," she sighed; "Can't you just find something here? I'm sure you've seen plenty of dresses that you like, you're just rejecting them because you're being stubborn."

"I rejected them because they're not what I want."

"You haven't even tried any on."

"I'll try some on at Lord and Taylor."

"Why don't you try on that pink dress that you wanted me to get…or the emerald green; you look nice in green."

"No, I'm not wearing something you already rejected for yourself," she replied. "This is the sixth store you dragged me into to find your dress; you didn't settle so why should I? If I owe you my presence at this party, then you owe me a trip to Lord and Taylor."

Kate breathed deeply, the guilt gnawing at her again. "I shouldn't have said…"

"No," Johanna said sharply, cutting her off. "Don't try to take it back now. You said it, you feel it, you meant it. It's fine. I'll pay my debt; I always do. Now go pay for your dress and the shoes you managed to find and let's be on our way to the store of my choice. If that's not acceptable to you, then you can go wherever you want and I'll go to Lord and Taylor myself and then call my husband to come collect me. Which option to do you prefer?"

"Fine," her daughter said, her tone carrying an edge. "I'll pay for my stuff and we'll be on our way."

Johanna smiled at her. "Don't forget to smile, sweetheart…we've got our roles to play, remember?"

Kate stepped closer to her. "I've gotten the memo that you didn't like my choice of words about our outing, alright? I'm sorry."

Johanna scoffed a little, her tone soft and barely audible. "Not nearly as sorry as I am."

"Mom," she murmured.

"Let's go," Johanna said sharply. "I'm already messing up your schedule with an unintended stop; let's not delay things further."

Kate gave a soft shake of her head as she headed back through the store, her mother following her silently. It was funny how she could be nearly thirty-three years old and a certain tone of voice from her mother could still make her feel like a chastened teenager. She did her best to shake off the feeling as she paid for her items and accepted her shopping bag, her mother waiting patiently as she pulled her sunglasses from her purse and slipped them on.

Once they were away from the cashier and nearing the door, Kate gently wrapped a hand around her mother's arm and leaned close. "You're not wearing those sunglasses to the party," she whispered.

Johanna didn't get a chance to respond as they noticed that a few photographers and reporters milling around. She was somewhat glad to be spared from commenting, although she hated the presence of the media and the questions that they kept repeating due to them ignoring them. She didn't want to speak to any of them, media and daughter alike at the moment…because truth be told; she felt like she and her daughter were on the verge of war.

* * *

Kate sat outside the dressing room at Lord and Taylor, holding her mother's purse and wishing she'd find something that suited her soon. She was sure that she had already counted twenty dresses that had been tried on and rejected…and she didn't seem to want much input on her selections. The dressing room door opened and her mother stepped out with four more dresses that she hung on the rack and then headed back towards the rows of dresses that she hadn't tried on yet. "Seriously, Mom?" she couldn't help saying.

"What?" Johanna asked.

"You've tried on a rack full of dresses and you still haven't found one that suits you; what are you looking for?"

"I'll know when I find it," her mother replied.

"Can I at least help you settle on a color?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"You didn't want my help so why should I want yours? Johanna asked.

Kate fought the urge to scream as she allowed her head to lower so her mother wouldn't see the exasperation on her face. "I'm going to help you anyway," she said evenly. "Why don't you get blue?"

"You got blue."

"So get a different shade of blue."

"We're not going to this thing looking like the Bobsey twins, Katie; I have to draw the line somewhere."

"Fine; get black; you always look beautiful in black dresses."

"No; I don't want black."

"White?"

"No."

"What, too virginal?" Kate cracked, recalling the words her mother had said at Bloomingdales.

"No…just a little too angelic…and that's not a mood I'm feeling lately."

"Uh huh; okay, purple…you look good in purple."

"No."

"Why?"

"Because I said so."

"Green?"

"No; it might match my eyes and then I'd think about you sitting there judging me for it," Johanna remarked.

"You're just being stubborn to be spiteful."

"No, sweetheart; you'll know when I'm being spiteful."

"Mom, just find a dress…you probably didn't put this much thought into a wedding dress…because I'm sure you shopped before deciding to wear Grandma's."

"I did, and you have no idea how much shopping I did and the amount of effort I gave."

"Yellow?" Kate suggested, knowing very well that her mother hated yellow dresses but she felt the need to inflict some annoyance of her own.

"Now who's being spiteful?" Johanna asked. "You know I hate yellow; I look disgusting in yellow."

"I'm sure you don't."

"If yellow is so great, take back your dress and buy a yellow one."

"No thanks."

"That's what I thought."

"Just get black," Kate sighed; "You know it's what you're going to end up with anyway, you always do."

"I'm not wearing black!"

"Then get pink; you look pretty in pink with your dark hair."

Johanna ignored her as she made various selections from the rack and headed back to the dressing room.

'Do you want me to call Dad and ask him to suggest a color for you?" Kate called out to her. "You'd probably take his suggestion."

"No; I'll do just fine on my own," her mother answered.

Kate looked away from the closed door and met the eye of a saleslady who had drifted closer. She smiled at her, hoping that it didn't look like the squabble it really was. "Mothers," she said lightly.

The saleslady returned her smile. "I know the feeling."

"Maybe you two can form a support group," Johanna called out from the dressing room.

Kate's smile widened as she held the woman's gaze. "Dress shopping stresses her out, she had a traumatic bridesmaid experience once and it's marred all dress shopping for her ever since; please over look her."

The woman laughed. "I understand; my mother is the same way."

"My sympathies," she whispered with a grin.

"Same to you, good luck," the saleslady told her. "If you need any help, my name is Amy."

"Thank you, Amy; I'll let you know."

The woman went on her way and Kate felt confident that she didn't think anything of her interaction with her mother and she didn't give any indication that she had recognized her…and if she had, she had a feeling she wouldn't say anything. "How are you doing in there?" she called out to her mother.

The dressing room door opened and Johanna stepped out in a red sequined lace sheath dress. "I found the one I want," she declared.

Kate looked her over; the dress was beautiful and she looked stunning…but it was red…not a dark sedate red…but a blazing red; one that would catch the eye. "It's beautiful but I think you should consider a different color," she told her as she got up and moved toward her. "Maybe they have it in a darker color."

"I don't want a darker color…I want red," Johanna said. "It's my favorite color."

"Purple is one of your favorite colors too; why don't we see if it comes in purple."

"No," her mother said; "I like this color, I like this dress. What's wrong with it? Do you think I'm too old for it?"

"No; you're not too old for it. I told you, it's beautiful, you look stunning…but it's a little bright."

"That's what I like about it."

"Mom," she sighed; "You'll stand out like a sore thumb."

"That's what you said about my car."

"And I still feel that way," Kate replied. "Please find something more sedate."

Johanna's eyes narrowed. "The last time I checked, you weren't my mother…and I didn't listen to her all the time either. I want this dress and I'm buying it."

"Will you just put aside your stubbornness and listen?" her daughter asked. "You need to wear something darker, not because of your age, not because you don't look good, because you do and you know you do, that's why you opened the door and came out in it. I'm asking you to wear a darker color because we're going to be in front of the media and I think this bright red might make an impression that we don't want."

"Oh," Johanna said sarcastically; "So you want me to wear black so I look like I'm in mourning."

"No; I just want you to tone it down. If you don't want black, then consider blue, a different shade of blue than mine; or purple…or if you want a light color, go for pink."

"Red," her mother said. "I'm getting this one; it's the one I want."

"Mom, can you just think about the fact that we're going to be there in front of the vultures."

"I am thinking of it," Johanna said; "You want me to be seen…I'm going to make sure they see me."

"So you're going to wear red to be a smart ass?"

"No; mostly I'm wearing it because it's a color I love and I've been told I look good in red…and that came from someone whose opinion I trust more than yours."

Kate nodded. "Yes, I'm sure Dad has told you that you look good in red…probably right before he volunteers to help you out of whatever red article of clothing you're wearing."

"He's always been very helpful," Johanna stated. "He learned that in the Boy Scouts."

She rolled her eyes. "I'm pretty sure the scouts didn't teach him the help he's always so willing to give you, but I don't even want to go down that boulevard of conversation. He's not going to go to the party so it shouldn't matter what color he prefers."

"Is he not invited?" she asked.

"Of course he's invited; I told you, he's always invited and he never goes and I don't see that changing; you even said yourself that you didn't think he'd go with you."

"I don't; but that doesn't mean I can't wear what I want. I like this dress, Katie; and it's on sale. Now this is the dress I'm buying, and if you don't like it, then I'll stay home and wear it out on date night; makes no difference to me."

"Fine, Mom; do what you want," Kate said sharply; "You always do anyway, so why the hell should this be any different. When you stick out like a sore thumb, don't blame anyone but yourself."

"I'm sure I won't be the only one there in a color other than blue or black," Johanna remarked. "If that those were the only colors allowed, I'm sure you would've told me."

"Buy the damn thing," her daughter said tartly. "Buy it, wear it, and be fucking happy about it, okay?"

"Works for me," Johanna said, unfazed by her daughter's remark as she moved back into the dressing room. "I need to find shoes and a purse now."

"You've got red heels at home."

"I'm sure you've got blue heels at home but that didn't stop you from buying another pair," she said as she closed the door. "Let's go to Macy's, they're having a shoe sale."

"I intended to take you to Macy's after Bloomingdales but you had to come here."

"So now that we've came and got what I wanted, we can go to Macy's," Johanna said from behind the door.

Kate rubbed her fingers across her forehead. "You know shopping with you wasn't this stressful a few months ago."

"Yeah, well, a few months ago you didn't set me up and lie to me, now did you?" her mother asked. "Those things kind of put a damper on an outing, don't they?"

"Mom," she said, her voice low and full of warning.

"What?" Johanna asked. "I can be constantly reminded of my sins but don't bring up yours?"

"Just stop it, okay? I told you, you can yell at me at home. Get changed and pay for the dress so we can get to Macy's."

There was silence on the other side of the door but Kate could hear the rustle of clothes being changed and then the sound of her mother's boots being zipped up. Finally the door opened and Johanna stepped out with the dress over her arm and Kate tossed her her purse with a little more force than necessary.

Johanna scrambled to grab her purse before it hit the floor. "Watch what you're doing, Katie," she hissed. "My reading glasses are in there and I don't have another pair; and when you break the ones I have, you're paying for me to get a new pair."

"Sorry," Kate muttered. "Let's go."

Johanna pushed past her and headed toward the checkout, wishing she could just put her foot down and demand to be taken home; but she knew she couldn't…she had to complete her outfit for the party she didn't want to go to. She had to sit through lunch so they could be seen some more. She had to put up with the demands, the orders, the rules. As much as she had wanted a mother-daughter day, it didn't seem worth it anymore…but of course, it hadn't been the day she had wanted to begin with. Tears stung her eyes but she forced herself to blink them back before reaching the counter. There would be time to cry later…she'd be damned if she did it in front of her daughter.

* * *

By the time they got out of the car to make their way to their lunch destination, Johanna was feeling the throb of a tension headache. She had dug through her purse in the car in hopes of finding a pain reliever but came up empty and she made a mental note to get a small bottle to put in her purse whenever she and Jim ran errands again. She wouldn't dare ask Katie to stop somewhere; she'd be fine until she got home; at least she hoped so. Their trip to Macy's had paid off with the perfect red heels for her dress and a matching clutch…but Johanna hadn't gotten much pleasure and relaxation from her favorite store. Her daughter had marred her shopping experience by rushing her and barking her demands in soft whispers. She was so over this whole day, she thought to herself as they reached the doors of the restaurant and moved inside.

'Let's get a table in the back," Johanna said, gesturing toward the quieter section of the restaurant. The tables in the back appealed to her for the privacy and the fact that they were away from the large windows that the sunlight was hitting. Being in a darker area would probably help keep her headache from getting worse.

"No, we'll sit here," Kate said as she gently gripped her mother's wrist and tugged her along to a table in front of the window.

"Can we compromise and get a table in the middle?" her mother asked.

"No," she replied as she pulled out her chair. "We're here to be seen; so we're going to sit where people can see us."

"So since you want us to be 'seen', we have to be uncomfortable?" Johanna replied. "The sun is hitting this window, Katie; it's right in my face."

"You'd think you'd be happy about that; it'll keep you warm."

"It's warm enough in here," she retorted as she shrugged out of her coat.

"Do you have to complain about everything?" Kate asked.

"I'm not complaining about the restaurant; I'd just like to have a more comfortable table."

"This table is fine…and if the vultures are still following, they'll be able to get their pictures easily without coming in."

"I'm touched that they get more consideration than your mother," Johanna remarked; "But I think they've gotten enough pictures, given that with a few exceptions, you made sure we shopped in places where we could be photographed through the windows and I don't give a damn if they get anymore or not."

Her daughter sighed. "Can't you just be happy that I took you to Lord and Taylor and then to Macys?"

"I only went to Lord and Taylor because of your demand that I get a dress. As for Macys, you rushed me, so I didn't get to feel my usual relaxing feeling that the store always brings me. You only let me look at the shoes and a quick glimpse at the purses so I could get a clutch."

"That's what you said you needed."

"I know but I figured while we were there we could look around a little more, but no, you were in a big hurry for us to be 'spotted' again…like you're on your own Rainbow Tour."

"Again with the Evita references?" Kate said with a huff.

"I like the show, sue me," she replied. "Won't you go see it with me, please? I'll pay for the tickets; I'll even treat you to dinner. When I was staying with you, you said we'd go to the theater."

"I said I'd take you to Martha's show…but I've already seen it too."

"I'm willing to pass on Martha's show," Johanna remarked; "But you know I love Evita; come on, go with me, it won't hurt to see it a second time…your grandmother and I saw the original run three times. You went to the movie version with me."

"I know, and I enjoyed it…but I've already seen the revival," she said in exasperation.

"You really can't make one allowance for me?" her mother asked. "You drag me out for show and tell today, demand I go to a party with you that I don't want to go to, all so you can prove that you weren't lying…but you can't go sit through a musical with me?"

"Pick a different one and we'll go one day," her daughter stated as she searched for the waiter.

Johanna sighed heavily. "Forget it, Katie. If I'm buying the tickets, I'm going to see what I want. I'll go by myself."

"I promise we'll go one day."

"Yeah; I heard that before," she remarked as a waiter stepped up to their table, handing them menus and asking what they'd like to drink.

After placing their order for their drinks, the waiter hurried away, leaving them to make their selections from the menu.

"Take the sunglasses off," Kate stated, her tone soft so that it wouldn't carry further than their table.

"What?" Johanna asked, her attention pulled away from the column she had been reading.

"Take off the damn sunglasses; you've been wearing them the whole time we've been in here. The waiter was looking at you like you're crazy."

"He was not," she retorted; "I could see him; he didn't look the least bit fazed."

"You need to take them off; it draws attention to you...like you think you're some celebrity who needs to hide her identity."

"Well I'm being chased by photographers so I can kind of relate," Johanna said tartly. "I left them on because you had to pick this table where all the sunlight is hitting."

"That's an excuse and you know it," Kate remarked. "Take them off."

"No; I can't stand the light in my eyes, Katie."

"Mom; take them off. Haven't you spent enough time hiding your identity? It's not like you're fooling anyone, everyone knows it's you. All those damn things do is give people an excuse to make fun of you. They make you look like a damn coward…and nothing like the woman who pointed a gun at that bastard. You were brave then…now you look like you're some kind of guilty coward every time you hide your face."

Something snapped deep within her and Johanna jerked off her sunglasses and threw them at her daughter. "There, Katie; they're off; now take them and shove them up your prissy little ass because I'm sick of hearing it."

Kate picked up the sunglasses that had bounced off her chest and clattered to the table in front of her. "You better hope no one got that on camera," she said softly.

"I don't give a fuck if they did," she said sharply, her eyes narrowed at her daughter. "You keep running your goddamn mouth and they're going to see me reach across this table and slap you for it, you little brat. All day long all you've done is tell me what to do, how to act, what to wear, where to sit; well it ends here. I'm going to sit here and eat this meal with you and then I'm going home regardless of whatever else you had planned, because I am done with your games today. If you don't want to take me home, then I'll call my husband to come and get me and you can go on your way when we're done here, but I am going home and you can go crying to your boyfriend and your favorite substitute mother and tell them all about it and they'll assure you that I'm just a bitch and you've been in the right and you'll feel all better."

Kate took a breath and pushed the sunglasses across the table to her. "Just put them in your purse, okay?"

"No," Johanna replied as she shoved them back across the table. "Keep them; I don't want them knowing what an embarrassment I am to you. I won't bother explaining that I wear them in bright light because sometimes it triggers my migraines, especially when coupled with the stress of life right now…but I'm sure you'd just view that as a convenient excuse. So take them with you, I don't need them."

Kate pushed them back to the center of the table. "I'm not taking them; put them away."

Johanna pushed them to the side of the table. "Then they can stay here because I'm tired of this."

"Don't leave your sunglasses here."

"If you want them, take them; now shut up about it and pick something to order…and make sure it's something you can eat quickly because I'm not staying here all day while you put on airs. I should've named you Elizabeth; you're just like her."

"Really, we're going to get insulting now?" Kate remarked as she studied her menu.

"Why the hell not, you've already insulted me by calling me a coward and earlier you suggested I needed medication and therapy…so yeah, I'm feeling pretty insulted; and believe me, if you knew the other things I'd like to call you right now, you'd think Elizabeth was a compliment."

"Mom," she said, softening her tone.

"No," Johanna replied with a shake of her head. "No; don't even give me one of your pretty little speeches because you've done pissed me off."

"Do you want to just skip lunch and go home so we can do this in private?" she asked.

Her mother smiled. "Oh, no; were here to be seen, remember? We're going to sit here and have this lunch like you wanted…and then we'll leave."

Kate wished the waiter would return with their drinks; she needed the cold Sprite to help wash away the tightness in her throat. "We can go now if you prefer…I won't be mad."

Johanna gave a soft laugh. "Oh now you want to give me options…yeah; you want to leave now because you're afraid someone might've heard or seen you getting put in your place by your cowardly mother and we can't have that marring your image. Well, we're just going to have to risk it. We're going to sit here and be seen…and for the first time today, you can feel like you have no control over anything…because that's how I've felt all day. You want to put on a show that we're a loving mother and daughter; well you haven't done a damn thing today to show me that you love me. This was all about you, Katie…it wasn't about me and you having time together; it was all about you…that's why you had to lie about it from the get go. You haven't treated me like I'm your mother today…you've treated me like some disobedient child that you have to keep chastening to keep in line. Well I draw my own lines, little girl, and I'm ready to knock you back across them where you belong."

Kate swallowed hard. "I'm sorry I hurt you."

"No, you're not," her mother retorted; "You're just sorry you got caught; you're sorry that you pushed too far and you're getting read the riot act…but you're not sorry that you hurt me. You're not the least little bit sorry, and that's fine…because right now, I'm not sorry either."

"Let's just go," she said softly. "We'll go home…and you can finish reading me the riot act and then maybe you'll believe that I'm sorry."

"I said no," Johanna declared; "I'm having lunch…if you want to leave, go ahead. I'll call your father; he'll come and get me."

Kate shook her head. "I'm not leaving without you."

"Then you better look at your menu and find something."

Her gaze lowered to her menu, her stomach in knots.

"Don't forget to smile, dear," her mother said lightly, a smile of her own pasted on her lips. "We don't want your suffering to be in vain."

Kate was spared from commenting by the return of the waiter with their drinks. "Are you ready to order?" he asked.

"I'm ready," Johanna told him before ordering a small salad.

The waiter shifted his gaze to Kate. "And you, Miss?"

"I'll have the same," she replied; figuring it was the easiest and fastest thing on the menu…because it suddenly felt urgent for them to call an end to their outing.

* * *

After their salads had been eaten and Kate was taking the last sip of her drink, Johanna pulled her wallet from her purse. "What are you doing?" she asked her.

"Paying for lunch, what does it look like?" Johanna answered.

"I'm buying; it was my idea, my treat."

"I'd rather pay for it, Katie; I owe you enough."

"Mom, please."

"Please what?" she asked. "I've done what was expected of me, I sat through lunch, I carried on a conversation; we looked like a typical mother and daughter. Now it's time to go home."

"I intended to pay," her daughter replied.

"That's alright, I've got it…I'd rather treat you; it looks better that way," Johanna remarked as she signaled the waiter for the check.

She closed her mouth, knowing it would be useless to argue. The waiter arrived with their check and she watched as her mother took the money from her wallet and laid it down on the slip of paper before folding the waiter's tip and placing it under the corner of her glass. "Get your sunglasses," she told her, nodding at the pair of black ELLE sunglasses that were still lying on the side of the table.

"If you want them, take them. If you don't, they can rot there," Johanna said as she got up from her seat and pulled her coat on before hooking her purse over her shoulder and turning away, heading for the door without her daughter.

Kate sighed softly and snatched her mother's sunglasses, tucking them into the pocket of her jacket and hurrying after her as she saw her standing near the door, her gaze focused on the outside.

"Someone out there?" she asked her mother quietly as she joined her.

"No; not that I can tell. I was just waiting on you."

Kate pushed open the door. "Let's go home."

Johanna nodded and stepped outside the restaurant, relief filling her that this farce of a day was over.

* * *

Johanna was always grateful when her home came into view after she had been away for a few hours. Grateful…and relieved that she had made it back safely and that she would go to sleep in her own bed that night and wake up next to her husband in the morning. She closed her eyes for a brief moment, savoring the feeling as Kate pulled up in front of the house. Today her gratitude at being delivered home was off the charts. The day had been a disaster from start to finish and the car ride home had been silent; the air full of tension and she couldn't find it within herself to try and ease it. Even now as Kate shut off the engine and they unbuckled their seatbelts, they stayed quiet.

As Kate reached for her purse that was sitting on the floor behind the passenger seat, Johanna got out of the car and moved to the trunk in anticipation of grabbing her two bags and making her escape to the sanctuary of her home; glad that this mother-daughter day was over. Her daughter finally joined her, shoving the key into the lock of the trunk, turning it and raising the lid.

Johanna grabbed her bags and then glanced at her daughter. "Thanks for the shopping trip and lunch. I had a lovely time. Be careful getting home."

"I'm coming in with you," Kate answered while closing the trunk.

"You don't need to walk me in, I'm fine."

"I'm coming in…I can't just dump you off."

"Oh," Johanna said with a smile. "You're still playing show and tell. You have to come in and see your father for a few minutes in case some member of the media happens by; that way it'll look like a well rounded family experience."

"Mom, can you just not be this way?" her daughter asked softly as they started up the sidewalk. "I know you're angry with me but I'm doing this for all of us. Maybe they'll leave us alone now for awhile."

"Whatever gets you through the night, Katie," Johanna replied as she pulled her keys from her purse.

Kate pressed her lips together as they climbed the steps to the porch. Johanna unlocked the door and pushed it open, stepping inside ahead of her daughter. She sat her bags down and shrugged out of her coat, hanging it on the hook next to Jim's before picking up her purse and shopping bags once more.

"There's my girls," Jim said as he appeared in the hallway, coming from the direction of their office. "How was your shopping trip?"

"I'm glad to be home," Johanna said as she moved toward him for a kiss.

"Only two bags?" he asked. "It must've been a slow day."

"I've definitely had better shopping days," she remarked flatly. "I'm going to go change clothes."

Jim didn't like the vibe he was picking up from the women in his life as his wife headed up the stairs and his daughter headed for the living room without a word. He decided to give Johanna the time she was clearing seeking by fleeing upstairs and so he followed behind his daughter and took a seat in his favorite chair. "So," he said as she curled up in a corner of the couch, her gaze on the game he had been watching on TV.

"So what?" she asked.

"Did you get a dress?"

"Yes, I got one," she replied; a hint of a smile playing on her lips. "I guess this is the part where you make yourself act interested in my dress shopping."

"It's in the father handbook," he said with a nod. "What color did you get?"

"Blue."

"Again?" Jim asked, his brow wrinkling in distaste. "Didn't you wear blue the last time?"

"No, I wore blue the time before. I wore black the last time."

"You know there are other colors."

Kate rolled her eyes. "Yeah, Mom told me."

"I bet she did," he murmured. "So, is it a nice dress?"

"Yeah; it's nice."

"Good…does it cover everything?"

"Dad!"

"What?" he asked; "That's always my main concern when you're in a dress."

"Yes, everything is sufficiently covered," Kate said with another roll of her eyes. "Do you think Mom would let me buy a dress that didn't offer enough coverage?"

"Knowing you, you'd buy it just to spite her."

"Probably true," she muttered before falling silent, guilt gnawing at her gut.

Jim allowed the conversation to drop, wanting to give her time to confess about whatever had gone on during their outing because he knew from the look on her face that it hadn't been good. After waiting ten minutes, he spoke again. "You're sticking around today?" he asked cautiously.

"Yeah," she said softly. "I'm staying for dinner."

"Dinner," he repeated; "Two dinners here in less than a week?"

"Is there a problem with that?"

"No; not for me," Jim remarked; "But it does beg the question, what did you do?"

"I didn't do anything," Kate said as she shifted a bit to lie down, her gaze focused on the TV. "By the way, you're invited to Castle's book release party."

"Well, as always I thank you both for the invitation but I'll pass," he replied; "It's really not my thing…and if you think your mother is going to go, you're crazy."

"I guess we'll see," she said softly, her gaze on the screen.

"What's wrong, Katie?"

"Nothing."

That didn't sound very convincing, he thought to himself. He stayed silent awhile longer, waiting once again to see if she'd confess anything but he waited in vain. Finally he noted that it had been a half hour since Johanna had gone upstairs and he rose from his chair to go up and see what information he could obtain from her.

* * *

The bedroom door was closed when Jim reached it and he didn't bother to knock as he reached for the doorknob and turned it, letting himself in. As he stepped into the room, his gaze found Johanna sitting on the foot of the bed, her elbows resting on her knees and her head in her hands. She had changed her clothes, he noted as he made his way across the room. She was now dressed in that pair of lounge pants that were too loose on her slender frame and required her to roll up the waist…and she had finished her look of defeat with his grey t-shirt that she was always coveting.

Jim silently sat down next to her, his knee brushing hers. "I borrowed your shirt," she murmured.

"I don't mind," he said quietly. "It looks better on you than it does me."

Her hands dropped away from her face, her gaze meeting his as a small smile touched her lips. "You're very handsome in it; trust me I know…I admire you all the time."

He smiled, his head dipping to brush a kiss against her temple. "Mutual admiration," he murmured against her hair.

Johanna breathed deeply, her gaze on the carpet. "Is she still here?"

"Yes; the way she talks, she's staying for dinner."

Johanna shook her head. "Then I hope you're not hungry because I'm not making dinner for her. I'll make dinner when she leaves but I am not sitting down at the table with her tonight…I just can't, Jim," she stated, anguish coloring her tone.

"Tell me what happened, sweetheart," he said softly, his hand covering hers. "Did the media find you?"

She glanced at him, her gaze meeting his. "Yeah, they found us…she set me up."

Jim's brow furrowed in puzzlement. "What are you talking about?"

The tears she'd been holding back all day filled her eyes. "It was just what I thought; today wasn't about spending time together, it was about her trotting me out in public with her like a show pony to prove her statement. They found us while we were still in the first store and I got it out of her that she and Rick planned this little outing and that they had Martha call in the tip of where to find us."

"What?" he hissed in anger.

She nodded. "It was a set up; and as I was told, she and Martha discussed it and decided it was best for me not to know the plan from the start because then I wouldn't act natural."

"Is that right?" he said tartly.

"Yeah…and then when we left the first shop, the reporters of course followed us, yelling their questions and accusations. They know about my trip to the hospital and that I had a knife wound…that reporter asked me if you did it because rumor has it that our marriage is on the rocks. I couldn't stay quiet about that one and told them it was a lie, that you'd never hurt me, that I did it myself while washing dishes. Katie got mad, telling me to stop engaging because I was giving them what they wanted. She said now I've shown them that you're my soft spot and they'll use it against me…that I've made things worse because I couldn't keep my mouth shut. So now I'll worry that the media will be after you, making up lies about our marriage, acting like you'd hurt me…and it'll be all my fault like she said."

Jim wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close. "Don't worry about me, sweetheart; it'll be alright. I'm sure they only worded the question that way to goad you; I don't think it will be as dire as Katie makes it seem. After all, if you were some abused wife, why would you come back from Wyoming to be with me? Because abuse of that caliber wouldn't be something new; that would be something that would've been going on a long time, don't you think? Isn't that what we've seen in our line of work?"

"Yeah," she said as her tears seeped through his shirt. "But I'll worry."

"It'll be alright…you know they've already made mentions about our marriage being on the rocks before; they're going to say what they want about all of us. We know the truth, Jo. We know we're fine and that our marriage is strong despite our occasional squabbles. We both know that you hurt your hand washing dishes. We know our truth; and the people who matter know it. What else happened?"

"A few stores later, after we found her dress in Bloomingdales, she tells me that I need to get a dress too. I asked her why and she informed me that I'm going to Rick's book party with her. I said I wasn't going, I wasn't invited and I didn't want to go and she said I am so the media can see us again. I kept saying no and she kept saying I was like I had no choice and I mentioned that she seems to think she can tell me what to do. She said I'm going with her because I owe her…I owe her for being without a mother for thirteen years and four months; and for the time she spent trying to keep you from drowning in whiskey and the time spent trying to get justice for me, for how her life has been all about me since she was nineteen, that I owe her for driving her crazy and not letting her alone when I came home…for having to stay with her all summer; that she's done a lot for me and the least I can do is put on a dress and go to a party with her so the media can get what they want."

"You don't owe her a goddamn thing," Jim said angrily. "You don't have to go anywhere you don't want to go, I don't give a damn what she says."

"Yeah I do," Johanna whispered; her voice husky with tears. "I owe her…I'm the reason for all of it, I owe her…just like I owed my father."

"You didn't owe Frank anything either," he stated, knowing that she was thinking of the time when her father had hung the debt of her education over her head.

"He felt that I did…and I couldn't deny him what he wanted. I took his case even though it was the last thing I wanted to do. I had to…because he made me what I was."

"He didn't make you a lawyer, Johanna. He might've paid your tuition, but you did the work…you made yourself into the lawyer you were. All Frank did was pay the bill, like a father should."

Johanna swiped her fingers across her cheek to brush away the tears that continued to fall. "For a minute today, I saw him standing in front of me again…telling me I owed him…I couldn't see her…I saw him in her place."

"I can see why…I'm sure it brought that memory home to you and you didn't deserve it, Jo. You didn't deserve it from him and you didn't deserve it from your daughter. The only thing you owed her was the truth and you gave it to her. You gave her the truth and you went on this little outing with her. Your debt is paid."

"Not in her mind."

"She allowed her grandfather's gene pool to slip into her system," Jim stated. "Feel free to put her in her place, Johanna. You're her mother, not the other way around."

"I can't do too much of that…because then I'd lose her completely."

He pulled her back against his shoulder, thinking to himself that maybe Johanna did need to let her go and let her find her way back, but he knew she was too raw for such a suggestion and so he kept it quiet.

"I didn't cry," she murmured. "I didn't let her see me cry."

His heart ached; memories of his own rolling through his mind…of times when she took what Frank dished out and proudly told him later that she hadn't let him see her cry; that she held it in, she didn't break. "It's okay to cry now," he told her.

"I wanted to cry then, but I didn't…I could hear him…I could hear him telling me I was a McKenzie."

"That's right, you're a McKenzie," he murmured, brushing a kiss against her hair. She was a McKenzie in terms of Frank's fire and determination, he thought to himself; but her heart was purely Naomi's…it beat with the love and passion of a Calabrese…and the pride of becoming a Beckett by marriage. But it was being a McKenzie that she clung to when she needed to be strong…just as Frank had always taught her. "What else happened?"

"All day long she was telling me how to look and what to do, smile, be relaxed, act happy; telling me that we both had our role to play…you know, like we don't really love each other, we have to pretend. Of course I do love her…even when I'm so angry with her that I don't want to look at her. I never have to pretend to love her, I do…but today seemed like proof that she doesn't love me."

"She does," he told her; although he had to admit, he was up against tough evidence to the contrary. "She just doesn't always like to show it all the time."

"Maybe it's a good thing…I wouldn't want to have to owe her for affection," Johanna said bitterly.

Jim tightened his hold on her. "I'm sorry, sweetheart. I'm so sorry…I wish I hadn't let you leave with her when I saw how uptight she was this morning. I guess she was worried about her little plan going off without a hitch."

"Yeah; we wouldn't want her hard work with Rick and Martha being spoiled…they all collaborated on the party idea too, you know. It's nice how she discusses everything with Martha…she should've taken Martha shopping with her. I'm sure she would've been all smiles and not one demanding word would've slipped across her lips. We fought about the sunglasses. We went to lunch and of course she picks a table by the window and the sun was pouring in, so I kept my sunglasses on because it was so bright and the light was glaring off the glossy tabletop and she just kept bitching and throwing fits so I took the damn glasses off and threw them at her and told her to keep them and shove them up her ass."

"What did she say to that?"

"She said that I better hope no one saw it and then she told me to put them in my purse. I said no, for her to take them, I left them on the table…as far as I know, that's where they're still at."

"You left them behind?"

"Yes."

"Jo, I wish you hadn't left them…they're your favorite pair, you love those glasses."

"I did love them," she said softly; "But everyone makes fun of me…and my daughter calls me a coward, so I'll do without them…I can stand squinting more than I can stand the rest."

"But what about your headaches, Jo? The light bothers your eyes at times and triggers your migraines."

She sniffed a little. "I'd rather have the migraine than listen to her mouth…and to be ridiculed by everyone for wearing them."

"I'll get you a new pair, I'll find you the same kind," Jim remarked. "I'm not going to let you suffer because of ignorant people who don't understand that there's more than one reason to wear sunglasses; and for that matter, when did it become a crime to wear them at all? You don't need a specific reason; you can wear them because you want to. You've always liked wearing sunglasses. I wish you hadn't left them behind…she probably thinks she won when you left them there, Jo…but I'll get you a new pair or I'll see if the restaurant found them and put them aside in case someone came looking for them."

Weariness washed over her. "I guess we'll be all over the news again with our outing…first public sighting of Kate and Johanna Beckett," she stated. "They'll be camped out front again, driving everyone crazy. Pictures will be splashed across the internet…the cycle starts all over again…and anything negative she'll blame on me, saying I didn't smile enough, my expressions weren't right, I failed at the thing she asked of me…I can hear it all."

"We'll get through it, sweetheart," he murmured. "It'll be alright; as for Katie, ignore her; she isn't Queen of the world."

"I wish she'd just go home," Johanna whispered. "It's terrible for me to say but I wish she'd just go home…go be with her boyfriend and the woman she prefers to be her mother. She can go be with the family she chose…instead of the one that brought her into this world. I'm tired of trying to live up to her standards today; my head is pounding."

"Is it a migraine; do you need your medicine?" Jim asked.

"No; it's just a tension headache," she replied.

"I'll get you something to take for it, I'll be right back," he told her.

Johanna nodded and left the room, anger thrumming in his veins over what his daughter had done; but he'd deal with her soon enough. He moved into the bathroom and filled one of the small paper bathroom cups with water and then opened the cabinet and grabbed the bottle of pain relievers. He shook out two tablets and carried them and the cup back to the bedroom where his wife waited.

"Here, sweetheart," he murmured.

Johanna accepted the medicine and the cup of water, swallowing the tablets gratefully. "Thank you," she told him.

He took the empty cup from her hand and brushed her hair back behind her ear. "Why don't you lay down for a little while," he told her, nodding at her pillow.

"That would go against my role as mother of the year," she said sarcastically.

Jim smiled. "Well that's alright, Katie hasn't even come close to being daughter of the year today so I'd say it's more than fair. Go ahead, lay down for an hour or so…maybe if you rest and the medicine kicks in, that headache will go away instead of getting worse. I'll put up with our guest."

"Are you sure?"

"I'm sure," he said, holding out his hand to her.

Johanna slipped her hand into his and allowed him to tug her from her spot. He kept hold of her hand and walked her around to her side of the bed, hovering as she laid down. "Do you want a blanket?" he asked her.

"Yes, please."

He moved to the chair and grabbed the light throw that she had laid there that morning when she made the bed. He carried it back to her and covered her with it and then went and closed the blinds a little more, leaving only a miniscule amount of light to shine through. "Do you want it darker?" he asked.

"No; that's fine, honey; thank you."

Jim returned to her side and leaned down to press a kiss against her lips. "Rest, sweetheart; I'll come up in a little while and check on you; if you fall asleep, I'll wake you so you don't sleep too long."

"I doubt I'll sleep," she murmured; "But I just can't go down there and deal with her anymore today. If you want to order something for dinner in a little while so you don't have to wait, go ahead; just get me something I can heat up later."

"Alright," he told her, his hand caressing her cheek. "Just rest for a little while and get rid of your headache. I'll be up to check on you after while."

Johanna gave him a nod and a small smile as he handed her the remote for the TV before walking away. She expelled a weighted breath as the bedroom door closed softly behind him; at least her husband loved her without condition.

* * *

As Jim returned to the living room, he could tell that Kate was on alert, tension easily read in her body despite trying to retain her relaxed posture. He could see that she was preparing for the battle that she predicted would be coming. He wouldn't disabuse her of that notion…but the battle would be held on his terms. "Do you want some coffee, Katie?" he asked.

"Yeah, I could use some caffeine," she replied; studying him, trying to figure out his next move.

"Come to the kitchen and we'll get some…and decide what to order for dinner later."

"The kitchen?" she asked.

His brow rose. "Yes, the kitchen…you know, where the food and beverages are."

Kate fought the urge to sigh loudly. Her father always liked to lecture from across the kitchen table and see could tell he was gearing up for it, trying to lull her into a false sense of security. "What's Mom doing?" she asked as she reluctantly followed him. "She's been upstairs for a good while."

"She has a headache, I told her to lay down for a little while," Jim answered.

"It must be a sudden headache; she hasn't mentioned having one all day."

"It could be sudden or she just might not have mentioned it to you…or it could be that headache she's had since you turned thirteen," he stated as he made his way to the cupboard to take down two mugs.

Kate smirked at him. "If she's had a headache for twenty years, she should probably see a doctor."

"I took her to a doctor; he said there's no cure for 'mother of a bratty daughter' syndrome."

"You know, I don't have to come around here," she told him.

"We know, Katie; after all, you only come around now when you want something or have bad news to share."

'That's not true."

"It is but I'm not going to argue the point with you," Jim said as he carried the cups of coffee to the table. "I would like to know where you ate lunch so I can call and see if they found your mother's sunglasses. She might be alright with leaving them behind but I'm not."

"You don't need to call, I have them. I picked them up and put them in the pocket of my jacket when she wasn't looking."

"Good; and I assume that you'll have no issue with handing them over despite your deep hatred of them."

Kate blew out a breath as she raked her hair back from her face. "I just don't want her to hide all the time, Dad. Do you hear what people say about her? They make fun of her for those damn sunglasses. They say she looks like a coward…among other things."

"Yeah; I know what they say…but those things are easily ignored when it comes from strangers. When it comes from you…that's when it hurts her; and don't try to lie and say that you haven't said certain things about it to her, because I know you have. She doesn't wear them to hide, Katie. Part of the reason she wears them is to protect herself."

She scoffed softly. "How do sunglasses protect her? Besides protecting her from UV rays as she mentioned earlier."

Jim met her gaze. "Your mother isn't a fool, Katie…she knows her eyes give her away. She tries to protect herself by keeping her eyes covered. She's afraid they'll see her fear; that they'll see her on the verge of tears. They might read her guilt and her regrets…they might find something to use against her. She just wants to keep her thoughts and feelings private…because sometimes she can't mask them fast enough when she's on the spot. She's a tough girl sometimes…and sometimes she's not but she can play the card when she's prepared for it…she can play it better than you can when she really believes in it…but she doesn't always believe it and she knows that she can't fool everyone. She couldn't fool me," he said, a small smile on his lips. "The first time we had dinner together there was a comment made about her being a tough girl and she jutted her chin up and proclaimed that she was one. I didn't dispute it, because there is toughness in there when she needs it…but later when I took her home, I told her I didn't believe she was as tough as she wanted people to believe. She didn't fool me. I could look into her eyes and see it; she joined the firm two weeks after graduating from law school; those first three months, she was scared; she didn't dare say it but she was…she had prove herself with every task and she was afraid she couldn't; afraid she couldn't handle the job. She was being harassed because she was a woman and because she was the new kid on the block so to speak. She was afraid…but she pulled out that tough girl façade and fooled some people; she just didn't fool me…and that was the night when I knew I'd do anything I could to protect her. So you see she knows she can't fool everyone; so she tries to protect herself by keeping her eyes covered."

"It's the same as hiding, Dad," Kate said softly.

"It's not," he retorted. "And the reasons I gave you aren't the only ones. She also wears the sunglasses because bright lights, whether it be from cameras or the lighting wherever she is can trigger her migraines. Stress also triggers her migraines; combine the two and you have one hell of a trigger. Your mother shouldn't have to suffer through the pain and sickness of those headaches if she can take steps to avoid it by wearing sunglasses to shield her eyes. You know, sometimes those headaches affect her vision, Katie; have you ever researched migraines?"

"No; just things to do to get rid of them when she was staying with me."

"Well take some time and Google the symptoms and triggers…she's not using it as an excuse; it's all true."

Kate swallowed a sip of her coffee. "I get that she has this issue with migraines and that there are triggers; I know they can make her sick and that they can cause visual disturbances. I understand that, really I do…but can't you understand my position? No one else is going to understand these things about her; they only believe that she hides…do you know how that looks to the world?"

Jim shook his head. "That's all that matters to you, isn't it?"

"No; but I can't deny thinking about it. Believe me, I don't like to suddenly be this person worrying about what people say but I feel like I have to!" she exclaimed. "I don't want them to see her that way. I don't want them to think she's a coward…I want them to see the woman who pointed a gun at the bastard and took him down."

"Yeah; you want them to see that side of her, because that side doesn't embarrass you. That side matches your own image that you're so desperate to uphold; Kate Beckett, badass homicide detective made of steel…she doesn't like to show her feelings and she doesn't want the world to think she came from a woman who might have some moments of weakness. No; Kate Beckett's mother has to have superhuman strength despite being weary from the battles she fought. She's supposed to flick off the annoyances and carry on the way you think you would if you were in her shoes. But there's one thing you keep forgetting, Katie; she walked into that room with a gun for you…she found that strength for you. She would've pulled the trigger for you. She was strong all summer for you…and for me. It takes a toll…it's not an act you can keep up forever without taking time to breathe; isn't that right? That's why you begged me to take you up to the cabin for your recovery after you were shot…you couldn't be the tough girl then and you didn't want anyone to see you being less than that. You were afraid your friends would look at you and see as a mere woman with weaknesses and you couldn't bear it; that's why you ignored them all for months. You wanted privacy to heal...privacy to wallow and be weak; and it was your right to have it. Your mother wants the same thing for herself…so get off her back about a pair of sunglasses and leave them on the stand before you go today."

"I had no intentions of keeping her sunglasses," Kate stated.

'That's good to know."

"So what's she going to do, stay upstairs until I leave because she's mad about the sunglasses debacle at lunch?" she asked.

"I don't know if she'll come down later or not; that decision is hers, I'm certainly not going to force her. She's pretty fed up with you today."

"Yeah; I've heard," she muttered.

Jim took a long sip of his coffee, allowing silence to settle over the table for a few moments before he met his daughter's eye once again. "So…your mother owes you, huh?"

Kate grimaced. "I had a feeling she was giving you the low down when you went upstairs."

"That's what married couples do; they tell each other the horror story of their day," he remarked; "But let's not change the subject. She owes you…"

"I didn't mean it."

"Oh I think you probably did…what you mean is that you didn't mean to say it out loud…but you did, and it'll never be forgotten and it'll never go away. You stood there and hung a debt over her head just like Frank McKenzie did to her right after we started dating."

"What are you talking about?"

"Your grandfather had a little car accident and was being taken to court," Jim stated. "He demanded that your mother take his case."

"Small claims weren't Mom's arena," Kate remarked.

"Exactly…and she tried to tell him that but he didn't want to hear it. He told her that she owed him; that if it hadn't been for him, she'd be nothing and wouldn't have a law degree. He told her that she owed him for tuition, room and board, the rent money they gave her until she got on her feet at the law firm. He hung the debt of her education and shelter over her head…and so she did his bidding…just like she's going to do yours; because your mother can't bear to owe a big debt like that. She'll sacrifice her own happiness to pay the bill. She twisted herself into knots taking on that case for Frank; and she only had a week to put it all together…but she did it, and she won…and she handed him a check for the rent he paid for her. He didn't take it…he told her debt was paid in full; but she never forgot it…and she'll never forget you saying it."

"I tried to apologize; she cut me off, she didn't want to hear it."

Jim gave a short laugh. "Of course she didn't want to hear it; why should she? She knew you were only sorry that you had said it out loud. Let me tell you something, Katie; the only thing she owed you was the truth and she gave you the truth. She worked that case with you, she helped you solve it. You had no right to hang that over her head. You were cruel and you know it. Do you think she doesn't think about those thirteen years and four months every day of her life? Because if you do, you're out of your mind. She thinks about it and feels the guilt for it every day. She left to keep you safe!"

"I know!" Kate exclaimed. "I've heard it that song on repeat for months!"

"It's the truth!" he told her; "Because let me tell you something, Katie; in my heart, I know that if we didn't have a child, she would've told me everything…she would've told me, I know she would have. But she had you to think of; she had to keep you safe and she couldn't risk telling me and putting me in danger because then you'd lose both parents. She went and left us both to keep us safe and so we'd at least have each other. She did what she had to do and none of us like it; but it is what it is and it's not a weapon you get to use on her every time you want her to do something she doesn't want or every time she does something you don't like."

"I was just frustrated, Dad," she said, her voice growing taunt with emotion. "I didn't mean to hurt her."

"Yeah; well, you did. You hurt her over and over again today; and let me tell you something else; you quit hanging my issues over her too. I just pulled her out of that dark hole of blame and regret for my drinking and there you are today telling her that she owes you for the five years you spent trying to keep me from drowning in whiskey. Don't you ever let me hear that you said that to her again. That already eats her alive every day, Katie! It's what we just had a fight about and got through and there you are pushing her back into that hole!"

"I'm sorry; I know I shouldn't have said it…but I guess a part of me does blame her for the years you spent drinking."

"It's my fault; not hers," he said sternly. "Don't you ever hold that over her head again."

"I won't," she murmured; her gaze on the liquid in her cup.

"You know when we thought we lost your mother, I had to divide up the money that was in her personal accounts. I gave you half and I kept half."

"I know, Dad. What's that got to do with anything?"

"I took my half of her money and put it into an account to save for your future children so they'd have something from her. When you came to me after your apartment blew up and told me that the insurance didn't give you enough to cover what you had lost and the expense of moving and the higher cost of the new place; I told you I'd give you the money you needed."

"I know; and I appreciate that you did that, I really do."

"Oh I know you were grateful; but what you don't know is I took that money out of the account I created with your mother's money. I knew that's what she'd want and that account had and still has a good bit of money in it. I figured eventually the interest would cover what I had withdrawn…so that apartment that you call home; your mother paid for that. Your mother replaced your furniture. Your mother replaced your clothes that were too smoke damaged to be worn. So when you say she owes you for staying with you and driving you crazy this past summer…you better change your tune on that; because you're living in her money…you owed her and you paid that debt in full by allowing her to share the home she financed. So cross that one off your list, Katie. She paid you for that one…so you see, even when she wasn't here, she was still taking care of you; keeping you safe and putting a roof over your head."

She looked startled by the information. "Does Mom know all that?"

Jim nodded. "Yeah; I told her…and she said she was glad that I had given you the money…that she would've done the same thing if she had been here at the time."

"She's never said anything about it."

"Of course not; she wouldn't want you to think that you owe her for it. I told her I'd have that account emptied back into her savings and she said no, to leave it as it was. It's still sitting there for any emergency that arises, and if none arise it'll all be for your children…just like the money she was hoarding in Wyoming was for your children. She was always thinking of you and your life, Katie. We made a deal that she'd take her money from Wyoming and use it and we'd leave the account I created as is; only to be touched for emergencies if deemed necessary. Other than that, it's for your children one day. See, she even wants to take care of her grandchildren. We both do."

"She told me about why she had so much money from Wyoming," she said quietly.

"So then you should know that she was thinking of you all the time."

"I know."

"She doesn't like what she had to do, Katie; but she keeps trying to make things better and you just keep pushing her away and slapping her face. Has she ever said to you that you owe her for the nine months she carried you? For the morning sickness and the mood swings and the labor and delivery? For the sleepless nights when you were an infant; the nights spent nursing you when you were sick and then went to work without sleep. Does she tell you that you owe her for homecooked meals and nearly every toy and book you pointed your finger at? What about for always arranging her schedule so she could go on your field trips? For never missing a recital or softball game? For your teenage attitude, for the dresses for school dances…for every single thing she did for you for nineteen years. Has she ever said you owe her for it?"

"No…she's my mother, she's supposed to do those things."

"Some mothers don't…some mothers don't put their kid first. Some mothers don't care about making every game or field trip…and some wouldn't take off a week to stay home over a tonsillectomy. Not everyone has a mother like yours, Katie. She always put you first…you've always been everything to her from the moment she found out she was pregnant. She worried when she didn't feel you move, she worried if she took a sip of coffee that it would affect your birth weight. She was terrified that pain medication would hurt both of you so she went through the torture of natural childbirth…although some of that is my mother's fault; but the point is, she's never done anything without thinking about how it would affect you…even if it meant inflicting more pain on herself in the process. All she owed you was the truth and you got it. She doesn't owe you a damn thing anymore…but it would be nice if you owed her some love, gratitude and loyalty; not just for being your mother…but for risking her life to come home to save yours…because she didn't want you throwing it away for her. It's always been for you, Katie…but you don't care because all you can think about right now is yourself. You had an opportunity today…you could've showed her that you care, that you want to be around, spend time with her, be how you were once you got past the hard stuff this summer. But instead you chose to blow it; you chose to set up this little media circus without her knowledge. You chose to act like a dictator instead of a daughter…and in the process showed her how little you think of her."

"I didn't mean for it to be the way it was," Kate replied. "I just felt like I was under a lot of pressure and she's so damn sensitive…I just don't know how to do this, Dad; and I'm sorry."

"She doesn't know how to do it either," Jim remarked. "But you could figure it out together if you'd quit pushing her away…just like this past summer; once you stopped pushing her away and once she stopped trying so hard, you were able to come together and figure everything out. She loves you, Katie...that's why she does the things she does; because she loves you. She doesn't want to go to that damn party, but she will, because she feels like she owes it to you…and because she loves you. She'll hate every single second, but she'll do it…because she's always worried that she's going to lose you if she doesn't."

"She must not be too worried; she threw her sunglasses at me."

"That just goes to show how angry you made her," he replied; "But believe me, she worries all the time that one day you're just going to shut the door on her…and I don't blame her for it…because sometimes I think you'd like you to do that; at least until everything is settled."

Kate shook her head. "That's not true."

"I'm not the one you need to convince."

She rolled her eyes. "Yeah; well, I also have a day job."

Jim smiled as he shook his head. "I think you like when she's mad at you…it gives you an excuse to be distant."

"When did you get your degree in psychology, Dad?"

He laughed. "You're just like her…she's asked me that question before when I got a little too close to her truth."

"I don't want Mom to be mad at me but it seems unavoidable lately."

"It would be entirely avoidable if you'd just relax like you tell her."

"You always take her side."

"Yeah; I do…because no one else does. I'm not saying I don't understand your position at times, Katie; I do…I know you have to think about image in some respects; but it shouldn't come at the cost of your mother's feelings. The media won't always be there…and when they're gone, wouldn't you still like to have a relationship with her?"

"Of course."

"Then try to be a little more compassionate."

"Fine; ask her to be a little more understanding and not so quick to be hurt by every little thing. Ask her to just trust me once in awhile and most of all to get over her jealousy of Martha."

"Quit giving Martha more consideration than your own mother and she will."

Kate held his stare. "You think I don't love her."

Jim shook his head. "No; I know you love her…I think you just don't want to acknowledge it unless it's convenient for you."

"That's not true. I'm sorry for how today went; I told her we'll do it her way one day. I don't know what else to do."

"Just keep in mind that if you try a little harder, she might try a little less…and then maybe things would balance out in a way that's agreeable to both of you."

Kate sighed. "Yeah; I'll keep it in mind."

"Please do…it doesn't thrill me to have to give you these talks all the time," Jim told her.

"You could always skip it, I wouldn't mind," she replied.

"Yeah…that's why I don't skip it. I can't have you thinking I'm the kind of father that doesn't care; so in closing, as a hands on father; I say, give your mother some consideration, let her love you, and make sure your dresses cover everything that needs to be covered."

She laughed despite herself. "The dress is appropriate, Dad."

"Good, I don't want some tabloid telling me what color underwear you had on...or worse."

"Everything will be covered; you've fulfilled your duty as a father."

"Alright then; what are we ordering for dinner later because your mother has refused to cook a meal for you."

"She usually only refuses to cook for you out of anger."

"That's how much you pissed her off today."

"Great," Kate muttered.

"Yeah; never a dull moment in our family," Jim quipped. "Thanks for your healthy contribution."

Kate sighed and gave in to the urge to put her head down on the table. "Don't worry," her father said as he patted her head. "She'll forgive you; she always does."

She knew that was true; but she couldn't help wondering if there'd be a day when her mother wouldn't forgive her anymore.

* * *

Later that day, after their dinner had been ordered, Kate found herself casting her gaze toward the stairs. Her mother still hadn't come down despite her father making two trips to check on her. She didn't want to be bothered by her mother's absence in the room…but she was; and it annoyed her. She was also annoyed that her mother was using this tactic…it was almost as if she had developed it as a replacement for her sunglasses. Deciding that she was fed up with the situation, Kate pushed herself off the couch.

"Where are you going?" Jim asked.

"To the bathroom."

"Leave your mother alone," he told her.

"I told you, I'm going to the bathroom," Kate remarked as she headed for the stairs.

Once she reached the top of the stairs, she went to the bathroom, knowing that her father would be listening for the sound of the door closing. When she finished, she carefully opened the door and crept back into the hallway, glad that she had taken her boots off downstairs.

Quietly she made her way to her mother's door and pushed it open, not bothering to ask for permission to enter. Her gaze found Johanna propped up against her pillows, her face clean of makeup and her gaze fixed on a rerun of the sitcom Reba.

"I don't know what you see in that show," Kate said softly as she pushed the door shut.

"I like it," Johanna answered; her tone quiet and flat, sparing her daughter only the briefest glance. "Personally I don't know what you see in Friends…the only show I've ever seen that's dumber is Seinfeld."

"The critics don't agree with you."

"They never do," her mother remarked; a note in her tone that suggested that she didn't only mean critics of television…but the critics of her life as well.

"We ordered dinner," Kate said, hoping to find some neutral ground as she perched on the foot of the bed on the opposite side from her mother.

"I know, your father texted me."

"You're really so set on avoiding me that you'd rather text Dad from the next floor instead of coming downstairs to talk to him?"

"It seems that way."

Kate sighed softly. "You're kind of being like Grandma Beckett; she always took to her bed when she was mad enough."

"I didn't take to my bed; your father told me to rest and get rid of my headache. For the record, though, I was never bothered when Lizzie took to her bed…I can see why it appealed to her. Most people won't breach the sanctuary of a woman's bedroom."

Kate smirked at her. "I've breached your sanctuary?"

"Clearly…and you don't have a warrant."

"Are you going to come down and eat with us when the food gets here?"

"I've shared enough with you today, Katie. I don't care to have dinner with you."

She raked her fingers through her hair, trying desperately to find a way to make this better and yet knowing deep down that she probably couldn't. "Listen, I know you're mad at me, but…"

"Don't worry, Katie," Johanna interrupted; "I'll still go to your party and play my role. I'll put on the dress and walk with you and smile. I'll pretend with the best of them. I may as well resign myself to being fake; after all, that's how everyone else gets through life nowadays."

"You think I'm fake?" she asked.

"At times, when it suits you to be, yes…after all, you're the one speaking of roles to play and giving direction like you're the producer of a play. You've been fake at times today; trying to manufacture what you think people want no matter who you make miserable in the process."

"Can't you understand why I had to do this?"

Johanna met her eye. "No; I can't understand why you had to do it this way. I would've understood if I had been included in your plans from the beginning…but I wasn't. You made your plans for us with Rick and Martha instead of taking it up with me. You created a ruse of a girls day to make me a participant in your scheme. It isn't fair…I had a right to know what was going on…to know that you were orchestrating a tip off that would cause us to be surrounded by the media. You could've just told me the truth."

"I didn't tell you because I knew you'd say you wouldn't go."

Johanna scoffed. "Please, Katie; you know very well that all you had to do was guilt me and I'd go…try another one."

Kate breathed deeply, trying to keep hold of her temper. "I didn't tell you because you'd get upset knowing that the media would know where we were. You get very uptight about it…you'd have yourself worked into a tizzy and you wouldn't act natural…and I needed you to act natural…although I'm not all that sure we were successful with that."

"Are you ever going to tell me things I need to know?" Johanna asked. "I had to find out on the street that you were being investigated by IA…I have to stand in the middle of a boutique and drag it out of you that you set me up to be a participant in your media friendly photo op. I then get informed that I'm going to this party with you whether I like it or not…so tell me, Katie; when will I be in on the joke from the beginning? When do you quit making me the fool in these games?"

"I don't think that's very fair," her daughter remarked. "You've done the same things. Because I remember a morning in 1999 when you told me we were going shopping the next day…knowing damn well that you weren't coming home that night. You looked me in my face and lied to me…so spare me your wounded feelings over my lie about what this day was about. At least when I lied to you, you saw me again within six days…unlike when you lied to me and I didn't see you for thirteen years."

"Thirteen years and four months," Johanna said sharply; "Make sure you get it right so you can continue to lord it over me. I know I lied to you, Katie. I know and I did it to keep you safe…and don't act like you don't know it. I've paid for my lies…I'm still paying…and I'll pay every day for the rest of my life; but it doesn't give you the right to play with my life; to tell me what I'm going to do and where I'm going, what to wear, how to act…to pretend to be a loving mother. I am a loving mother; I love my daughter…even when I'm certain that she doesn't love me, I still love her with every ounce of my heart. I love her despite how angry she makes me, I love her despite the lies she tells, I love her despite the fact that she clearly doesn't want me around unless it's convenient for her. I don't have to pretend, Katie; I do love you."

"I know you do…and I love you."

"Do you?" Johanna said with a short laugh, tears glimmering in her eyes. "Is that why all day you've slapped the past in my face? I thought we were past that, Katie"

"I know…I did too."

"Then why!?"

"I don't know," she said, surging to her feet in agitation. "It just comes out…I don't want it to, but it does."

"Maybe you should take your own advice and go back to therapy," Johanna told her.

Kate whirled around to face her. "I've already done more than one stint in therapy; I don't need to go back. You need to go."

She shook her head. "Not happening."

"Why; are you afraid it might help you and you won't have an excuse for how you act?"

Johanna smiled. "Is that why you're not going back? You're afraid you won't have a reason to keep shoving me away?"

Kate glared at her. "When I shove you, you'll know it."

"I'm already bruised from your push and pull games."

She paced the room, feeling caged…her mother clearly in the mood to be her adversary. "Let's just stop this, okay? I don't want to do this."

"Neither do I," Johanna replied; "Why do you think I've been up here for the last few hours? Do you really think it's because I'm having some Elizabeth Beckett temper tantrum? It's not…I came up here because I'm at the end of my rope with you today and it would only take one smart ass remark for me to tear into you like you've never been torn into before…and I know when I was done, you'd walk away and I'd never see you again and I can't bear that. So I walked away. I came upstairs…because I was too angry to stay down there with you and I didn't want to go to that place where I obliterate whatever sliver of a relationship we have left. I know when to walk away, Katie. I know when I'm holding a losing hand. I walk away…and for the deck to be shuffled and re-dealt…the odds of winning are better that way; especially when the stakes are high and I can't afford to lose."

She turned to face her, a measure of understanding dawning on her features. "I'm sorry I hurt you, Mom."

Her mother nodded. "It's alright; I guess you owed it to me."

"I shouldn't have said those things," Kate replied.

"But you did…and you meant them; and it's okay that you did…it's not like I don't know that you're still angry; that a little part of you hates me and will always hate me…"

"No," she said with a shake of her head. "I don't hate you."

"It's alright if you do," Johanna stated; "You can't ever hate me as much as I hate myself. But I hope one day we can get to a place where we can be better than what we are now. We found that place once…and then you put me back outside and its fine…that's your right; but you have to know that hurting you all those years ago wasn't something I did lightly. It wasn't something I wanted to do. It ripped me apart inside, it still does every time I see that certain look in your eyes…but I didn't have a choice. You have choices…and like me, you have to live with the ones you make. Today I get to be angry. Today I get to be hurt…because you took the one thing you knew I wanted and you made it a farce…not to mention backing me into a corner so I'd have no choice but to accept that I was going to that book party with you. Today, I get to feel the way I want without you telling me I'm wrong for it."

"You're not going to forgive me?" Kate asked softly. "You're not going to accept my apology?"

"I always forgive you, Katie."

"But you don't accept my apology?"

"I accept it," Johanna replied; "But you know it isn't an instant cure all…how many times have I apologized to you and it didn't make anything better?"

She swallowed hard, her hands on her hips. "I guess we're just like each other like Dad always says."

"Don't tell him that; he'll think he's right all the time and we can't have that," her mother quipped.

Kate started to laugh but it turned into a sob that she tried to pull back, the back of her hand brushing against her mouth. Johanna sighed softly and held her arms out, beckoning her daughter forward. She expected to be shunned but her daughter came forward, sinking to her embrace, a few tears slipping free and falling against the soft grey shirt she was wearing. "It's alright," Johanna murmured, her hand moving over Kate's hair.

"No, it's not," Kate whispered.

"Maybe not…but one day it will be."

"Sometimes I'm not sure of that."

"Me neither," Johanna admitted softly.

"So where does that leave us?"

"Meaning what?"

"Are you still mad at me?" she asked as she continued to cling to her mother.

"Yes."

"How long is that going to last?"

"I don't know…I don't usually go into anger with a time limit set on it? I don't think I've asked you how long you're going to be mad at me."

"I was just hoping for a round about idea," Kate said as she forced herself out of her mother's arms.

"I might be done after your party," Johanna replied; "Depending on how that fiasco goes."

"I really wish you wouldn't wear red to the party."

"Katie," Johanna said in warning.

"I'm just trying to do what's best for us; that's what I keep trying to get you to understand."

Her mother blew out a breath. "Just when I think we're getting somewhere you have to turn the car around and go flying down the wrong side of the highway."

Before Kate could reply the bedroom door opened and Jim stepped into the room. "Okay, number one, I told you to leave your mother alone."

"Oh like you didn't know I was lying about going to the bathroom," Kate shot back as she scooted off the bed.

"I had a feeling but I figured she could handle whatever you had up your sleeve," Jim replied; "And second; the food is here…are we eating or not?"

Kate glanced at her mother. "Are you eating downstairs with us or am I eating up here with you?"

Johanna rolled her eyes. "Fine, Katie; I'll go downstairs…but after dinner, you go home…for both our sakes."

"Fair enough," her daughter replied.

"And I'm not walking you to your car to do the hug and kiss scene on the sidewalk in case someone is lurking to get a picture."

"Fine; you can walk me to the porch and we'll do it there," Kate replied. "Not because of reporters but because you always do it…and I'll feel weird if you don't do it today."

"Fine."

"Good, we're all fine," Jim said; "Let's go eat."

Johanna pushed herself off the bed and followed them out of the room; they weren't all fine…and they all knew it; but they'd pretend…because those seemed to be the cards that were being dealt today.

* * *

It was after eleven that night as Kate remained curled up in the corner of her sofa, chewing on her thumbnail without notice. Her mind was weighted down, a multitude of feelings at war within her as she heard a key scraping the lock of her door. Castle slipped inside a moment later, his gaze meeting hers from across the room. "You didn't come home," he murmured in explanation of his presence.

"I am home," she said quietly.

He faltered for a moment but then resumed his trek. "Yeah…but I meant home…to me."

"I'm sorry…I should've called."

"Yeah, you should have…or at least answered your phone when I called you."

"I was in the shower…and I didn't feel much like talking."

"I called your mother looking for you; she said you had left hours ago and had let her know that you had gotten home safely."

"What else did she say?"

"Nothing…she didn't seem to be in a chatty mood either," Castle remarked; "So what happened?"

She scoffed softly, a sad smile touching her lips. "I think I played the wrong hand."

"What do you mean?"

"I shouldn't have lied to her…I should've known that I couldn't. I've never been able to get away with lying to her; she always knows…and it's so damn annoying."

"Kate," he prodded.

"The media found us at the first store…it didn't take her long to figure out that we tipped them off. She looked at me like I betrayed her…and I couldn't stand it. I knew everything I was saying and doing was hurting her and she was looking at it like betrayal and I couldn't stand it so I acted like a total bitch the whole time because I knew what I was doing was wrong."

Castle shook his head. "It wasn't wrong, we talked about it. You had to be seen with her in public to put some of rumors to rest. I'm sure she understands that."

"No; she doesn't. She doesn't understand why I set her up instead of telling her the truth. She's angry."

"She'll get over it," he said quietly, his hand reaching out and rubbing against her knee. "It had to be done, Kate. She has to know that."

A tear silently spilled down her cheek that she wiped away with the heel of her palm. "All she knows is that I planned it with you and Martha while letting her out of the loop. She said it wasn't right or fair…and maybe it wasn't…and I guess I know that deep down, that's why I treated her the way I did all day. I said terrible things to her, Castle; I said terrible things to make her do what I wanted. I hurt her…and I'm not sure she's going to forgive me this time despite what she says."

"She will," he assured as he moved closed to pull her into the circle of his arms. "There wasn't any other way to go about this; she wouldn't have gone if you had told her from the start. The media needed to see you together…she can't just keep shunning them in hopes that they'll go away because they're not going anywhere and it's not going to help either one of you to pretend that they are. She just has to get that through her head. She's a stubborn woman…she doesn't want anyone but herself to be right; but we're right on this one. The media got their pictures, they're online, they've hit the news…it's mostly favorable; you did the right thing."

She sniffled a little as she looked at him. "I don't feel like it was the right thing anymore."

"That's because you're letting Johanna get in your head; you can't do that."

"She's my mother, Castle; she's been in my head since birth."

"I know…but she's been hidden away for over a decade; she doesn't know how to do this…she wants to keep hiding and she can't…and neither can you. She's not going to do what needs to be done, so sometimes, you have to do it for her. Is she going to get mad? Probably. But she'll get over it and she'll forgive and forget when she sees that it wasn't as bad as she feared."

"That's easy for you to say."

He sighed heavily. "Kate; let's not turn your issues with your mother into a fight between us."

"I'm not fighting with you…I'm just telling you it's not as easy as you make it seem. She didn't look at you with betrayal in her eyes; she looked at me…and when I told her she was going to your book party with me, I told her she owed me and then listed all of her sins to prove that she owed me. I called her a coward. I pushed and shoved and lied and betrayed…and when we got home, she went upstairs and stayed there for hours because she didn't even want to be near me."

Castle smiled a little. "She does get a little dramatic," he whispered.

She shook her head. "You don't understand…I don't know how to do this."

"Do what?"

"Juggle her and the media and everything that comes with this fallout. I don't know how to do it and I keep screwing up."

"You're not."

"I am," she said sharply.

"Kate; you're doing fine…and you're mother will be fine. I know the media aspect is new to you, but I know how it works and I'm going to get you through it. Don't worry, everything will be fine."

"I feel like I'm pulled in fifty different directions," she whispered; "And I don't know where any of them end up."

"It's going to end up with us on an island far away one day," Castle murmured. "All of this will be in the past and it'll be us enjoying life and being happy."

"And my mother?"

"She'll have to find her own island, we're not doing joint vacations," he quipped.

"That's not what I meant, Castle."

"I know…but I didn't think you'd like what I had to say."

"Say it anyway."

"Johanna's going to have to follow your lead and learn to deal with it…or she's going to have to find her own way and take the lumps that come with it. Her days of hiding are over…she's just going to have to deal with it. I'm not trying to be harsh but it's just the way it is."

Kate closed her eyes, hating the way it all sounded. "It feels like it's never going to end."

"It will," he promised.

"I'm not sure that my mother and I will ever be the way either one of us wants to be."

"Maybe not…but you might land somewhere in between both of your ideals."

She sighed deeply. "I hate this."

"I know," he said, pressing a kiss against her hair. "I wish I could make it all go away for you. You know I'd do anything for you, Kate."

"I know."

"So tell me what you need," Castle said quietly.

"I need you to stay."

"I'm not going anywhere…I promise you that; no matter what happens with anyone else, you'll always have me," he told her.

Kate brushed a kiss against his lips, love and gratitude filling her…but she couldn't help but wonder if it meant that he had a feeling that her relationship with her mother would crash and burn before it was all said and done.


	28. Chapter 28

_A/N: Thanks for your reviews!Sorry for the delay; I'm easing back into things and plan on going straight into part two of this chapter since I have some scenes started for it. Warning, a few brief moments of strong language._

Chapter 28- You Don't Own Me- Part 1

" _Don't tell me what to do, don't tell me what, don't tell me what to say…"-Lesley Gore_

Early Wednesday evening, Jim sat at the kitchen table, sipping his coffee as he glanced at the newspaper. The words on the page didn't saturate his brain as usual; his attention torn between the pages and Johanna as she argued with Martha on the phone while she vigorously scrubbed down the counter. He sighed quietly; relieved that his wife's name didn't make the paper today, nor did his daughter's; but the turmoil from their shopping trip had been lingering for days. Katie's planned outing, complete with media tip off had sent the press into a buzz once again…reporters had camped outside the house for two days until finally one of the neighbors called the police about the annoyance and they were forced to move on. Having the media back outside the door had only increased Johanna's ire about the whole situation…and just as she had stated; a lot of reporters didn't miss the chance to remark upon how the outing happened so quickly on the heels of Kate's statement to the media. The 'I told you so' phone call battle had raged for an hour Sunday, Jim recalled; his head giving a small throb in remembrance of the headache it had inspired.

His daughter usually chose to give her mother a day of space in the aftermath of discord…but Katie had chosen to call back Monday and remind Johanna that she was still going to the book release party…and then she had taken up the cause of the color of her mother's dress once more. She had called again Tuesday…she had texted that morning…and now his highly intelligent, well educated daughter, in her infinite wisdom, had decided to bring Martha on board in the war of the red dress. Jim shook his head; why Katie had ever thought that would be a smart move was beyond him. She was only making it worse and he couldn't understand what the issue was with the simple, yet classy red sheath dress Johanna had brought home on Saturday. The main thrust of the debate seemed to center upon 'the message a red dress would send'…it was a statement that puzzled him and also annoyed him. What the hell did the color of a dress matter? Was there a chart in newsrooms around the world dissecting what the color of a dress meant? Was it black for mourning, green for wealth, blue for depression, pink for bubble gum happiness and red for go fuck yourself? If so, then he'd say that Johanna had chosen her color wisely…because his list of people that he'd like to tell to go fuck themselves was growing on a daily basis.

"Martha, I really don't care what you think I should wear to this damn party that you all insist on dragging me to. Katie told me to buy a dress and I bought one!" Johanna exclaimed.

Jim breathed deeply, schooling himself to remain in his chair and not get up and take the phone from her hand. He was sure that she had made that statement twice already but apparently Martha was persistent.

"I don't care that Katie doesn't want me to wear red," Johanna stated. "She's not my mother and I'm not a five year old; she doesn't get to pick my clothes!"

He watched as she began to pace in front of the sink, agitation written in every line of her body.

"I don't care what message either one of you thinks it sends! It's a red dress not a goddamn billboard!"

"Jo, just hang up," Jim remarked; but his wife ignored his statement and kept pacing, her jaw so tense he was afraid she might break her teeth from clenching them together so tightly. He suppressed a sigh; she had been bouncing all over the spectrum of emotions ever since Saturday when Katie had not only proved her suspicions right but had shattered a piece of her heart too with her sabotage and demands. She bounced between hurt, annoyance, defiance; their daughter's words and actions stirring something within her. He had a pretty good idea that Katie had stumbled into that big vat of anger that Johanna kept buried deep inside of her, where it boiled with the intensity of lava beneath the lid she kept clamped down on it. But Katie had loosened the clamps…and when that lid came off, it would be a volcanic eruption that would burn and shake everything in its path.

"Martha," Johanna said, her tone clipped and angry. "I don't care, nor do I need your fashion tips or advice. I asked Katie what color she wanted me to get, she said I could get what I wanted and so I did. Now if it's going to be that big of an issue, I can stay home where I belong because quite frankly, I don't want to go anyway."

Jim waited, his ears straining to hear what Martha was saying but Johanna was too far from him for him to make it out. He could tell that whatever it was, Johanna wasn't liking it and he had a feeling that if Martha didn't stop soon, she'd be very sorry that she had called in the first place.

"Well let me tell you something," Johanna said sharply.

"Here we go," Jim murmured to himself; he knew those words and that tone of voice.

"I don't give a damn what any of you say, I'll wear what the hell I want or I won't go simple as that; and while we're on the phone, Martha; I'll thank you to remind _my daughter_ , that if she has something to discuss that involves her mother, she should take it up with me, not you. I don't need you and Katie and Rick going around making decisions for me and telling me what to do; and if any of you ring my phone one more time about that goddamn dress, I'm not going and no amount of whining, bitching or crying will get me out the fucking door, I can promise you that; because when you show up, I won't be here. All I have to do is say the word and my husband will make sure that we're far from here and untraceable, so you tell Katie to keep pushing her luck, because I'm about at the end of my rope and she's not going to like it when the string runs out…and neither will you if you want to keep carrying the banner for her; now do I make myself clear?"

Jim smiled a little, there was his Sassy; she was ready to pounce this week and he had to admit, sometimes he was relieved to see that side of her peeking out…at least when it wasn't directed at him.

"Did you hear a single word I just said!" she yelled into the phone.

He pushed back his chair and got up from the table, crossing the room and yanking the phone out of Johanna's hand; it was time to end this. "Martha," he said as he put the phone to his ear. "Johanna is wearing the dress she bought or she's not going; now that's the end of it. She's already had this out with Katie and you have no right to stick your nose in it. Mind your own business and let my wife and daughter sort out their own battles; Katie doesn't need you advocating for her."

Martha sighed on the other end of the line. "Jim; we're merely trying to make Johanna see that a softer look would be best for this appearance; she and Kate must be conscious of what the media will think of what they're wearing. Red makes a much bolder statement than we feel would be suitable. She needs to look softer."

"We're Becketts," Jim stated; "We don't do soft appearances. Now you're all going to back the hell off or she's not going because we'll leave town Thursday night and won't come back until Sunday…believe me, whisking my wife away on an impromptu romantic getaway won't hurt my feelings in the slightest and I'll be more than happy to see her in that red dress while we're away. Now you tell Katie to call off her groupies or she's going to answer to me. Have a nice evening, goodnight," he said before ending the call as Martha sputtered on the other end of the light.

"There you go, sweetheart," he said as he met Johanna's gaze and handed her her phone. "Problem solved."

"I was handling it," she stated.

He smiled, pressing a quick kiss to her lips. "I know…but I figured it would be better for me to put her in her place and save you another battle with Katie."

"Katie's going to love that line about her groupies," she said with a soft laugh.

Jim grinned. "That was a good one, wasn't it?"

She nodded, another laugh tumbling from her lips. "Yeah; it was," she said, her fingertips grazing the line of his jaw, love shining brightly in her eyes. "You're still my knight in shining armor."

He nodded, his hands slipping around her waist. "I'm always happy to rescue you…even when you don't really need it."

Johanna smiled, leaning in to him, catching his lips in a kiss. "I appreciate it."

Jim held her close, still feeling some left over tension in her body. "Just put them from your mind now."

"One of them will call back."

"Don't answer," he told her. "I don't want you annoyed tonight."

"Oh?" she asked; her brow rising. "Why is that; do you have plans for me?"

"Yes; but not my favorite kind…at the moment. A different kind of surprise…but not like a Katie surprise; because her surprises suck."

Johanna laughed. "She is our daughter, Jim."

"I know and I love her…but her surprises suck…much like her timing; but you know, she's still young, there's hope for her…I think."

"Jim," she said in amusement.

"What?" he asked; "You know she doesn't give good surprises lately."

"Well that's true."

"Exactly; which is why I was letting you know it isn't a Katie surprise."

"Is that what we call bad surprises now?"

"Yes," her husband said with a nod; "Anytime there's a bad surprise, we say 'that's a Katie'."

"I don't think she'd like that."

"Well I didn't like her interrupting the mood I was trying to create with you on Monday evening…I had you nice and relaxed and right where I wanted you and she had to ruin it."

Johanna nodded. "That was a disappointment."

"I know; and the moment hasn't been recaptured yet because of her…so you know; I have to call it as I see it. But getting back on track; it's a good surprise."

She eyed him. "What kind of good surprise? Because I don't mind admitting that I'm kind of leery of surprises."

"A good one, I promise."

"Jewelry, shoes, clothes?"

"None of the above."

"Books? Dvds? Concert tickets?"

"No, sorry."

"Road trip?"

"No; that's a summer thing."

"Trip to Hawaii?"

"No," Jim laughed.

"Then what the hell is left?" Johanna asked.

"A person."

She eyed him warily. "I'm not really in a people mood this week."

"But this is people you like," he told her.

"Are you sure?"

"Definitely."

"Maggie?" she asked, hope shining so brightly in her eyes that he knew he was going to have to find a way to contact the woman and see if he could bring her around.

"No, sweetheart; I've haven't seen Maggie in years. It's Andrew; he's finally back in town and got settled. He said he's coming over this evening, he's looking forward to seeing you."

Worry flicked across her face. "Are you sure he's okay with this?"

"With what?"

"Me?" she murmured as she shoved her phone in her pocket.

Jim nodded. "I've told you that before; he's not holding any grudges. He still loves you like his sister, he's missed you. I swear on my mother's grave that you have nothing to worry about from Andrew; he's coming tonight with the purpose of seeing you."

"Okay," she murmured; feeling the flutter of butterflies in her stomach. The last thing she wanted to do was cause trouble for Jim with his favored brother. It was bad enough that Michael and Madelyn seemed to shunning him because of her.

He cupped her cheek, knowing her worry hadn't abated. "It's going to be fine; you'll see…and he's bringing Gabby…I hear she's looking forward to meeting her aunt."

"Do you think she'll like me?"

He smiled. "Sweetheart; she's going to love you. She might be a little shy at first but that's just her nature so if she's a little quiet, don't take it as anything against you, that's just how she is, but once she gets warmed up, she'll talk your ear off. Andrew explained everything to her, she understands what happened."

"It's not an easy thing to understand," Johanna said softly.

"Gabby's a smart girl; she understands…and she can't wait to meet you. Andrew's been telling her what a good aunt you are and she desperately needs a good aunt in her life…all she has is Natalie and Madelyn and you run circles around them in the aunt department, sweetheart. I have no doubt that you and Gabby will hit it off. Don't worry; it's all going to be fine, I promise."

"Okay," she replied, conjuring up a smile for him as her phone rang in her pocket.

"Don't answer that," Jim stated; "You're not available."

Johanna pulled the phone from her pocket. "It's Katie."

"Definitely don't answer it," her husband said. "Leave it here in the kitchen and let's go watch some TV until Andrew and Gabby get here. They should be here within the hour; he said he was taking her to look at a dress and then they'd be over."

She looked at the phone in her hand and then back to her husband; unsure of what to do, but then she felt that flicker of anger as she thought of how her daughter had been acting the last several days and she laid the phone on the counter before slipping her hand into Jim's.

"That's my girl," he told her as he led her from the kitchen.

* * *

A short while later, Johanna was nervously twisting her rings around her fingers as Jim went to answer the door. She hated feeling queasy about facing family members; but with the mixed response she had received so far, she couldn't help but be wary despite Jim's assurances. She could hear her brother-in-law's voice mingling with Jim's in the entryway, the typical brotherly ribbing taking place that she was accustomed to between them, followed by the soft tones of a young girl's voice. The voices grew quieter and she knew that Jim was probably murmuring to his brother, warning him of her nervousness…and who knew what else. Sometimes she was afraid to know what he told people about her these days. She knew it wouldn't be anything terrible, he loved her…but she imagined that he had a chore in subtly explaining the way she was now as opposed to before.

Before and after…another thing she hated. It was a hard thing to adjust to; having your life split into segments, the good, the bad, the rebound. Rebounding was just as hard as the bad stuff in some ways. Overall, she felt like she was the same person she always had been…but there were little things…a sense of wariness, nervousness…deep wells of regret. She closed her eyes; she didn't want to think about it. She just wanted to be completely normal again; she wanted to see relatives and not be afraid of what they might say to her or if they'd shun her. She wanted to have a normal relationship with her daughter…one where her child didn't spend so much time telling her what to do and where to go and what she owed. She wanted to just be herself; like she always had been; not as worried, not as stressed, normal relationships, independent, less fear.

Johanna forced herself to take a breath, trying to quell the nervous energy that filled her; now wasn't the time to be dwelling on things like that. She just wasn't at the top of her game today…but of course, she had felt off balance ever since the weekend and the disaster of her shopping trip with Katie. Her gaze fell to the carpet; being off balance; that was yet another thing she hated…but at the moment, she hated being nervous about family the most. She took another breath and exhaled slowly; trying to let it all go; the nerves, the frustration with Katie and the world at large, her worries. She just had to try and let it go for awhile.

Footsteps sounded and she rose from the chair, unsure if she was ready to face her guests or not and yet at the same time she was relieved that they had decided to end their lingering in the entry way so she could get this over with.

Jim stepped into the room first and made his way to her side, his hand falling against the small of her back to comfort her, seeing the worry that she was trying to disguise.

"Hey, Angel face," Andrew said with a grin as he made his way to her. "You're looking beautiful as always."

She smiled, a hint of nerves in the gesture as she met her brother-in-law's eye. "It's good to see you," she replied softly.

"I know," he teased as he pulled her into his arms for a tight hug. "I made your whole day, didn't I?"

She gave a soft laugh as she accepted his embrace. "It's good to see that you still have that Beckett conceit."

"It's not conceit if it's true," Andrew quipped as he released her from his hug but kept his hands gently curled around her arms as he studied her. "How are you?"

"I'm okay," she replied with a small smile. "How are you?"

"We'll talk about me later," he stated. "Is Jim treating you alright?"

"Of course," Johanna said, her smile more genuine. "He always treats me right."

"You sure about that?" her brother-in-law teased. "Because if he's not treating you right; I'm still available."

"Hey," Jim said good naturedly.

"What?" Andrew grinned; "She has to know her options."

"If she didn't want your option 37 years ago, why would she want it now?" he laughed.

"Well I figure by now, she's had enough of you," he teased.

"No; not nearly enough," Johanna remarked, a smile still clinging to her lips.

Andrew tsked. "He's still got you over on the dark side, Angel face?"

"It looks that way…you know, he's got those blue eyes that I've always been partial to."

He sighed dramatically. "Alright then; but if you decide you're tired of him or he gives you trouble; I'm still available."

"Why is that?" she asked lightly, some of her unease fading.

Andrew smiled. "Women just can't handle all this; looks, charm, gentlemanly ways, successful career, cute kid…I just overwhelm them."

"Oh please," Jim scoffed.

"Hey, I get plenty of offers!"

"Yeah; I see them chasing you around all the time," Jim laughed.

Andrew glanced at Johanna, finally allowing his hands to slide away from her arms. "Are you sure you don't want to trade him in?"

"I'm sure…apparently you're the one who gets traded in if all those women can't handle how good you are," she teased.

"Harsh," Andrew laughed; "Maybe you deserve Jim after all."

"She does," Jim said, his arm slipping around her waist to let her know she was doing fine. "Are you going to give her her gift now or what?"

"Gift?" Johanna asked.

Andrew smiled. "Yes; I brought you something," he said before turning away and finding his daughter who was lingering in the background behind him. "I brought you a niece to spoil; do you have an opening in that department?"

"I'm always happy to have another one," she replied, a soft smile coming to her lips as Andrew pulled Gabby forward.

"This is Gabriella," he told her; "She answers to Gabby; which is funny, because she's a little shy, unlike that nickname implies. Gabby; this is your aunt Johanna; go give her a hug, she'll spoil you for life."

Gabby smiled shyly and stepped forward, allowing Johanna to embrace her. "It's nice to finally meet you, Gabby," she told her. "I've been looking forward to it."

"It's nice to meet you too," the girl replied softly, shyness in her tone.

Johanna released her but managed to catch hold of her hands. "Look how pretty you are," she said, "Even prettier than your pictures."

Gabby smiled, her head ducking. "No, not really."

"Oh but you are, honey" Johanna said; "You're a very pretty girl…and you've got your grandmother's hair color just like Katie does."

"That's a point of pride for her," Andrew remarked; "She likes having the same hair color as Katie."

Gabby blushed, making Johanna smile. "Don't be embarrassed by that, sweetheart; who wouldn't want that beautiful color? I see a lot of Elizabeth in your face; you've got a lot of your grandmother's features."

"Is that good or bad?" Gabby asked.

"It's wonderful," she told her. "Your grandmother was a beautiful woman."

"She was," Jim said with a nod.

Gabby smiled a little. "I wish I had known her."

"I do too," Andrew remarked.

"You might not have gotten to know her," Johanna said; "But I'm sure Elizabeth knows you and she loves you; don't doubt that. Don't doubt that you're beautiful either. I hear you had a birthday not too long ago."

"Yeah," she answered. "Thirteen."

"Thirteen," Johanna repeated; "To be that age again."

"You wouldn't want to be thirteen again," Jim stated.

"Why not?"

"Because you didn't know the Beckett brothers then," Andrew quipped.

She laughed. "That's true…that's probably how I managed to stay out of trouble."

Andrew grinned. "Yeah…we would've led you astray, wouldn't we, Jim?"

Jim nodded. "Oh yeah; we would've given our best effort."

"We would've succeeded," his brother said confidently.

"Don't hang out with any boys like your father, Gabby," Johanna said lightly, giving her a wink to let her know she was just teasing.

"I won't," she laughed.

"We've agreed on not hanging around any boys," Andrew stated.

"Is that true?" Johanna asked as she guided Gabby to the sofa with her so they could sit down.

"That's what he said; I didn't agree to anything," Gabriella replied.

"Smart girl," she said as Jim settled down beside her and Andrew took a seat in the chair.

"I don't really think they like me as more than a friend though," she admitted shyly.

Johanna smiled. "Oh they will, trust me…that's how I ended up married."

"Don't tell her that!" Andrew exclaimed.

"Why not?" she asked; "It's the truth…besides, friendship first makes a good foundation for a relationship."

"She doesn't need a relationship!"

"No one told her to get a relationship," Johanna replied; "I just told her that one day they'll be more interested which is the truth."

"Andrew doesn't want to think about that," Jim quipped lightly.

"Like you wanted to think about it with your daughter," his brother responded.

"Of course not and you found it terribly amusing…now the shoe is on the other foot and I get to spend the next several years laughing at you, little brother."

"You keep that up and you won't be my favorite brother anymore."

Jim scoffed. "Oh like Michael is going to be your favorite; I'm really worried."

"Men," Johanna said with a smile as she met her niece's eye.

"Yeah," Gabby said with a nod. "My Dad doesn't want me to hang around boys but he doesn't listen when I tell him not to go out with an airhead."

"Beautiful and smart," Johanna stated, giving her a small hug. "Andrew, are you still dating airheads?"

He shrugged. "Once in awhile."

"Why?"

"Sometimes they're cute," he said with a grin.

Johanna rolled her eyes as she looked to her husband. "You need to do something about him."

"Sweetheart; the only thing left is sending him to obedience school and he'd probably get kicked out the first day," Jim said, amusement in his tone.

"Probably true," Andrew confirmed.

Johanna shook her head. "We're going to have to work on your standards; I thought being a father would inspire you to raise them."

"I'll try to do better just for you," he teased.

"Do better for yourself; you deserve someone nice and who has a brain."

"I think Jim got the last one in that department," Andrew said with a laugh.

"That's not true; you just need to look in better places," she told him.

Andrew grinned. "It's good to see that you haven't changed, Jo."

Her nerves returned. "Sorry, I didn't mean to lecture you. You didn't come over for that."

He regarded her for a moment. "I might have to take that statement back; my sister-in-law wouldn't apologize for lecturing me on my questionable taste in women."

Johanna twisted her rings. "Yeah; well, your sister-in-law does a lot of apologizing for a lot of things these days…from big huge things down to little things."

"Well then we'll sign you up for a class with me," Andrew declared; "Because you just need to stop doing that."

"I don't know about that; I have a lot of apologies to make."

"I'd say you've already made the ones that matter," he remarked; "Everyone knows that what happened wasn't something you planned or wanted; all that matters is that you're here now and that's over and done with. Anyone who makes you keep apologizing for something that wasn't your fault isn't someone you want around. I don't need any apologies; I understand what happened and I explained it to my daughter and she understands too; so don't worry about that. I don't want you apologizing for being yourself either…I like when my sister-in-law lectures me…makes me feel special," he said with a smile; "So just be yourself, like you were doing, okay?"

"Okay," she murmured.

"Good…because I almost fell over from shock when Jim told me you were nervous about seeing me," Andrew proclaimed. "I mean how can you be nervous about seeing the best brother-in-law you've ever had?"

"You think so highly of yourself," she laughed.

"Someone has to," Andrew replied lightly; "But you know, just relax…everyone in this room loves you; everything is fine…we just haven't seen each other in awhile, that's all; nothing more, nothing less."

Jim caught her eye. "See, I told you that you didn't have to worry."

"I always do," she murmured.

He gave her a smile and then took the reins of the conversation, giving her time to settle back in as he asked Andrew about work and ballgames and drew Gabby into the conversation as well until Johanna quelled the nerves that had sprung up and engaged her niece, asking about school and her friends, things she liked to do; and finally she felt calm, more like herself and her niece seemed to be warming up to her so that made her feel good too.

"Gabby, did you get a dress for your dance?" Jim asked; breaking into the conversation of the women in the room.

"No," she replied. "I guess I'm not going to go."

"Why not?" Johanna asked.

Frustration flicked across the young girl's face. "Because Dad won't let me get anything I like."

Jim glanced at his brother. "Why didn't you let her get what she wants?"

"Because I don't think most of them were appropriate," Andrew replied.

Gabby rolled her eyes. "They were in the department for my age!"

"I don't care," Andrew retorted. "Another thing, they want around a hundred bucks for a dress she's going to wear for four hours and then hang in the closet and never wear again."

"You're not hurting for money, Andrew," Jim remarked. "Just last year you paid two hundred dollars for a pair of sneakers that I rarely see you wear because you have to 'keep them in mint condition' as you say. Since when did you become a tightwad? Buy your daughter a dress."

"I would if I felt it was worth the price and appropriate."

"They weren't inappropriate!" Gabby exclaimed.

"I feel they were," her father stated. "The skirts weren't long enough and the straps too thin."

"Those dresses came down to my knee!"

"They should be below it!"

"That's the style! This isn't the 1940s anymore, Dad!"

"See, that mouth is why you didn't get a dress. I don't know what's gotten into you, but I don't like it, Gabriella."

Jim laughed. "Oh God I'm glad I'm not the father of a teenager anymore."

"Maybe she has valid points," Johanna stated. "You can't put her in a floor length gown for a middle school dance, Andrew."

"Why the hell not?"

"Because that's not what thirteen year old girls wear."

"Those dresses are the same kind my friends wear," Gabby stated.

"Well then you should strive to be an individual and be different from other girls."

"I'm already different," she cried. "You make me different."

"I do not! You're the one who is suddenly trying to be different. I don't know why you suddenly want to go to a dance; you never wanted to go before."

"I want to go because my friends go and they always have fun and I don't," she said, tears clogging her voice. "I wanted to be like everyone else and dress up and go to a dance and see what it's like…but you won't let me have a dress…you never want me to have cute clothes; all I ever get is jeans and t-shirts, I never get anything really pretty and I never will and I'll never get to go to a dance because I'm never going shopping with you again. You embarrassed me and everyone was looking."

Andrew shook his head as he met his brother's eye. "I did not embarrass her and it'll suit me just fine if we never shop again."

"You don't know anything about being a girl," Gabby said, her tears breaking free.

Johanna gathered her niece into her arms. "Don't cry, honey; we'll get you a dress. You're going to go to your dance."

"No, I won't," she sniffled; "He just wants to dress me like a little girl so I'll be a freak."

"No," Johanna soothed; "We won't let that happen. He's just being a typical father who doesn't understand teenage girls."

"She's barely thirteen," Andrew stated.

Jim scoffed. "I hate to tell you this, but thirteen means teenager…it even has teen in the word; sound it out like Mom taught you," he said, his tone light, enjoying his brother's strife. "You want me to help you sound it out?"

Gabby laughed softly against Johanna's shoulder. "See," she told the girl. "Uncle Jim's been through it so he knows your father is being unreasonable. You'll get your dress. I'll help you find one."

"Really?" Gabby asked, pulling back to look at her with hopeful eyes.

"Yes," she said as she wiped away the tears on the girl's cheeks. "When is your dance, sweetheart?"

"Friday night…I'm running out of time."

Johanna breathed deeply. "Then we'll go tomorrow."

"Are you ready for another shopping trip, Jo?" Jim asked.

She thought she could be if Jim was there too…if there was a slight stipulation to the plan. "I think so…but since Andrew is suddenly so concerned about money, I say that we go to New Jersey; prices are a little cheaper there. Can't we all go tomorrow after Gabby gets out of school?"

"Drive to Jersey at that time of day?" Andrew asked.

"See, he doesn't want me to have anything," Gabby stated. "He doesn't want me to go to the dance."

"Andrew, is that true?" Johanna asked.

Her brother-in-law shrugged. "Kind of…"

"Why?" she and Jim both asked at the same time.

"Because that's how it starts!" he exclaimed.

"How what starts?"

"The teenage thing!" he stated, throwing his hands up in the air.

"It's already started," Jim told him; "You can't stop it just by denying her a dress and the school dance. There are things that come with this territory that you can't control."

"I know, I already bought her a bra!"

"Dad!" Gabby exclaimed.

"Oh my God," Johanna stated. "Jim; you need to start his training as a father of a teenage girl."

"Yeah; that's becoming clear," he stated. "I'm game for New Jersey though if you want to go help her pick a dress."

"I think someone has to," she replied; "Look what he's done to her."

"He's not going to like anything we pick," Gabby said as she met Johanna's gaze.

"Well, if he doesn't like the best dress that we find; then I'll just buy it for you," she told her. "I owe you a birthday gift."

"You can't buy her a fancy dress for a birthday gift," Andrew exclaimed.

"I'm the aunt, I can do what the hell I want," Johanna retorted.

"The father wouldn't feel right," Andrew replied.

"Then the father better not be an ass tomorrow when we all go to New Jersey," she told him. "You do trust my judgment, don't you? I have been the mother of a teenage girl. I've bought many dresses for dances; you trust me to know what's age appropriate, right?"

Her brother-in-law sighed. "I guess so."

"If it was a dress she wouldn't let Katie have, she won't approve it for Gabby," Jim stated. "You're going to have to get used to this, Andrew. She's growing up, she's going to want to go to dances and wear dresses."

"Alright, alright; we'll go to Jersey tomorrow for more dress shopping."

Johanna smiled at Gabby. "Don't worry; you'll have a dress tomorrow…and Uncle Jim will help keep your father in line."

"Will you?" Gabby asked as she glanced at her uncle.

"Of course I will," Jim smiled. "Johanna will make sure you get what you need and what you like, don't you worry."

"Yes, a pretty dress," Johanna said; "And you'll need shoes and a little purse to carry your phone and money."

"Oh my God," Andrew muttered; "How much is a school dance going to cost me?"

"Don't plan on retiring anytime soon," Jim told him; "If you think eighth grade is bad; wait until she hits high school."

"I'm going to have nightmares," his brother replied.

"Yeah; that starts now and doesn't stop," Jim teased. "I still shudder at times and my daughter is in her thirties."

"I shudder a little myself," Johanna remarked.

"What's Katie up to these days?" Andrew asked.

"Work, and her new hobby of tormenting her mother," Jim answered.

"Kids," Andrew said with a shake of his head. "No one warned us."

Johanna gave Gabby's shoulder a soft squeeze as the men took over the conversation; hopefully this shopping trip would go better than her last one.

* * *

That night, Johanna walked into the kitchen to get a glass of ice water to take upstairs with her and she heard her phone ringing on the counter where she had abandoned it hours before. She sighed as she moved toward it, glimpsing her daughter's picture on the screen. She was tempted to ignore it, not really wanting another round of this battle…but she figured if she did, her bullheaded daughter would call all night or come over to have it out in person. That wouldn't make for a peaceful night when she was settling down to go to bed.

"Hello," she said as she answered the call.

"Where have you been? I've called you like six times!" Kate exclaimed.

"I've been right here in my house," Johanna replied as she opened a cabinet door and took out a glass.

"So why didn't you answer the phone?"

"Well; for one, my husband told me not to. Two, I figured I already know how the conversation is going to go; and three, we had company and I didn't want to be rude by being on the phone arguing with my daughter instead of being a proper hostess."

Kate scoffed. "What company?"

"Wow; aren't we demanding tonight."

"Mom, don't."

"Don't what? You're the one questioning me like a suspect, Detective."

"Don't call me that!"

"I gave birth to you; I'll call you what I want," Johanna replied.

"Mother."

Johanna's nose wrinkled in response. "If you must know, Andrew and Gabby came to visit."

"How did that go?"

"Very well; much better than my last visit with my daughter."

"I said I was sorry," Kate replied. "You had no business being rude to Martha tonight."

"I wasn't rude to Martha. I was very civil when the call started. When she started harping on my dress, I got annoyed and may have used stern words but that's her fault for not taking a hint when I tried to subtly end the discussion while using my nice voice."

"Your nice voice?" Kate said; "By that do you mean your actual nice voice or your fake, slightly sarcastic nice voice."

"No, baby; I save my nice sarcastic voice for you; I gave Martha my real nice voice."

"She's only trying to help you!"

Johanna sighed deeply. "Okay; number one, I don't need her help. Number two, she's not helping me; she's helping you by jumping on your bandwagon and doing your bidding. If you don't like what gets said to her, don't put her in the middle of our business."

"She called you because we both agree that red sends a certain message that I don't think you should send right now. I can't seem to get through to you so I thought maybe Martha could since she's from your generation."

"Martha's three years older than me; thank you very much."

"So what! It's still the same generation!"

"Yeah; but she got there before I did."

"Whatever," Kate replied; "The point remains the same. She's just trying to help you."

"That would be very nice if I needed help, but I don't. This seems to be a thing you and Martha conjured up between you…and I have to say, Katie; I really wish you wouldn't keep deciding things about me with her."

"We didn't decide anything."

"Oh but you have; let's see, you two decided that I shouldn't know about the media tip off. You two, with Rick, decided that I should go to a party I have no business being at for your second little photo op. Three, you and Martha have also decided that I no longer know how to dress myself. Well guess what; I'm still more than capable of dressing myself. I can also get myself out of the clothes at the end of the night…and if I can't because a zipper gets stuck, I have a man upstairs who is more than happy to offer assistance. I'm good; go find another project."

"We didn't say you can't dress yourself; and believe me, I know you have a volunteer for any wardrobe help you need…after all, he even likes doing laundry with you…"

"Shut up," Johanna said, her cheeks warming, knowing that Kate was referring to a certain incident that she had almost walked in on while she had been staying at her apartment.

"That took a little air out of your sails, didn't it?"

"You know, instead of carrying this banner, you could go play with your boyfriend…he might surprise you and like to sort laundry. Go find out."

"Don't change the subject."

"You're the one who brought up laundry."

"Only because you brought up that you have a wardrobe removal assistant."

"He's not my assistant; he's my partner…we're equal opportunity around here."

Kate sighed. "You make me want to scream."

"Now you know how I felt when you were sixteen."

Kate blew out a breath. "Okay, look…we just feel that you should rethink your choice of dress. I know you love red. I also know you picked it because you were pissed off at me…and okay, justifiably so…but still; you bought it because you were mad."

"No; I bought it because you told me that I was going to this party because I owed you…so I asked you what color you wanted me to get; you said I could have what I wanted. I tried on many dresses; I liked the red one best and I bought it."

"I told you at the store to find a different color."

"Yes; but you had already given me carte blanche and so…sorry for you," Johanna remarked.

Her daughter sighed. "We're only thinking of your best interests."

"No; I'm pretty sure it's yours….I'm completely unconcerned about my dress being red."

"We just think you need a soft, motherly look for this."

"Oh, am I a mother? I'm surprised you noticed considering how you make so many decisions and agree so much with Martha like she's your mother while you treat me like your disobedient foster child."

"Wow, really?" Kate responded. "You really went there?"

"Yeah; I went there…and I hate to inform you of this but I don't pick my dress based on my status as a mother. I pick a dress that flatters my figure, skin tone, hair color and makes me feel confident and attractive."

"I realize that…but, Mom; this is different. Can't you get a color that's going to attract less attention?"

"Why? You want me to be seen, not blend into the background."

"Yes; I want you to be seen but I also don't want you looking like you're a defiant enemy who's thumbing her nose at the world."

"Katie; you're really over thinking the color of a dress."

"No; I'm not!"

"Yes; you are! Go focus on something else…like making me a grandmother so I have someone to babysit."

"You're going to pull the give me grandchildren card now just so you don't have to listen to reason?"

"You're not getting any younger, Katie; you need to get those babies into production…I'm still young enough to chase toddlers; let's get the show on the road."

"Okay; you're just being mean tonight so I'm going to hang up."

Johanna smiled. "I knew you would; goodnight. Don't call back, I'm going to bed."

"What if I call back anyway?"

"I won't answer…I might even turn my phone off…so, just don't. You're not going to win this one, Katie; this is one of those 'know when to fold them' moments…throw your cards down and walk away."

"I don't know why you won't listen to any of us…we're just trying to help you."

"No, you're not! You're just annoying me and trying to make me do what all of you think I should. You don't care what I think; all you care is what Rick and Martha think about our situation with the press and what I want to know is, when the hell did they become experts? Why are you acting like their word is the holy grail? Get your head back into some airspace of your own and think a little bit, Katie. The tip off with the shopping trip, this appearance of both of us at this book party so quickly on the heels of your statement just screams to the world that you're staging it…that's what people are going to notice; not the color of my dress; but the timing, just like they brought it up over the weekend after we went shopping. You need to think more about timing and less about dress colors. They know you're dragging me out into public with you now because you have something to prove…you should've waited a little while so it would look more natural."

"I know what I'm doing," Kate said sharply.

"Honey; I don't think you do and this is going to blow up in our faces. And another thing; if we have to go to this party together, I think it would look better for us to show up on our own and not in the same car with Rick and his family…that's going to put new scrutiny on your relationship."

"Being with two mothers and a teenage girl doesn't scream date night."

"No, it looks like you're trying not to make it look like a date…my dress color is the least of your worries."

Kate sighed. "Please just rethink the dress."

Johanna rolled her eyes. "Goodnight, Katie," she said before disconnecting the call.

"Turn it off now," Jim said from the doorway where he had been leaning unnoticed for the majority of the conversation.

She flinched a little at the sound of his voice before turning to face him. "How long have you been lurking?"

"Long enough to know that you launched a good defense. You also made a good, logical closing argument about the timing of her apparent press tour with staged photo ops; you made valid points about the spotlight that could be put on her relationship by choosing to arrive with Rick and his family…that all of you coming together can look a bit like a cover up for a date…I'd say you gave her a lot to think about…things she should be thinking more about instead of the color of your dress," he remarked.

Johanna shook her head. "She's not going to think about it…she's too sure that they're all right and I'm wrong and I'm going to sink it with a red dress. Anything I say goes in one ear and out the other because I'm just her mother and I'm automatically wrong in her world and her little surrogate family backs her up with the thought. Katie looks at me and sees a stupid person."

"That's not true," Jim said quietly.

"Yes, it is," she said with a bitter laugh. "I'm stupid in her opinion. I made a mistake…a colossal mistake that cost me a little over a decade of my life, and it's marked me as being stupid by my daughter and other people of the world. They figure if I had really been smart, I wouldn't have answered that letter, or I wouldn't have looked into that case, or I would've gotten out the second I realized there were dirty cops involved. They think that if I had been smart, I would've found some small way to defy the orders of the FBI and let everyone know what was going on, or found a way out of it long before I did. Fear and panic aren't allowed as viable excuses for being docile to a federal agency. It all comes down to stupidity. My daughter sees stupidity."

"Jo…she doesn't think that."

"She does," she said with a nod. "It doesn't matter at all that I've managed to make it to sixty without someone telling me what to do every step of the way."

"Sixty-one," he stated.

Johanna cut him a sharp look. "What did I tell you about the one?"

He smiled. "That we don't acknowledge it."

"And yet you acknowledged it."

"My apologies," he laughed, his eyes gleaming with amusement.

She smiled; giving a soft shake of her head as she raked her fingers through her hair. She knew him, he threw out her correct age because he knew she'd call him on it and it would allow him to lighten the oppressive air that had filled the room. She loved him for those moments…but her thoughts and feelings were still at the forefront of her mind and she had no choice but to let them free.

"She does think I'm stupid…I think a lot of people do; and it wouldn't matter if our daughter wasn't one of them," she said softly. "One mistake wipes out everything…it wipes away the fact that I have two degrees from Columbia, graduated in the top of my class and was hired by a prestigious law firm right after graduation. It wipes away the fact that I was apparently considered intelligent enough and good enough at my job that I was asked to teach law many times. I had a good, stable, law career for twenty-five years…and new laws and new technologies and new hurdles didn't get in my way; I didn't struggle to keep up. I helped raise my child, had a stable marriage and my household was managed and ran smoothly with no outside help. I was successful and I didn't get there by being stupid…but one mistake takes it all away."

"It doesn't," Jim replied as he moved closer. "It doesn't change anything."

Johanna worried her bottom lip as she held his gaze in the dim light of the kitchen. "It does."

He shook his head. "My wife isn't stupid…when she was in labor, she cussed me in English and Italian…stupid people can't do that."

Johanna gave a soft laugh, her fingertips skimming against his chin affectionately. "Some might disagree."

"They don't matter," he said as she captured her fingers and pressed a kiss to them. "My wife has always been an intelligent person…something terrible came into her life and hurt her; but it doesn't change who she is…her brain is still fully functioning and I'll fight anyone who says otherwise."

"Like you fought Stanley?" she asked.

Jim grinned. "Yes; for you, I'll punch all the Stanleys of the world…except for Katie…you're going to have to kick her ass on your own but I have every confidence that you could get the job done."

"Sometimes that's tempting," Johanna murmured. "All I hear is 'don't do that; don't do this, don't say that, don't think that, don't feel that, don't buy that car, don't drive, no drive, don't wear that, don't go there, you owe me, take this picture, go to this party, smile, pose, just do it."

Jim chose his words carefully. "I think I might be guilty of some of those sayings."

She nodded. "Yeah; but that's different…you're my husband."

"Yeah, I'm your husband…but I don't want you to feel like I order you around."

"I don't…it's Katie…and now she's got Martha calling here harping at me; I turn on the news or pick up a newspaper and there's people saying 'I need to make statements' 'I need to give interviews'…making fun of me for not going out much and for wearing sunglasses all the time…and it's like I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't…and it's like Katie is right there agreeing with all of it…like she doesn't know me at all."

"I think it's going to take some time for her to get her head straight."

"I thought we had worked that out while I was staying with her…I thought, she remembered that she knew me. She still treats me like a suspect sometimes; sometimes it's like I'm in an interrogation; 'where were you; why didn't you answer the phone, what were you doing, who was your company, who were you talking to, what did you do."

"It's just going to take time, Jo," he said as he pulled her into his arms.

Frustration bubbled up within her. "I thought I already put in the time. I took everything she threw at me, I deserved it and I took it. I allowed her to keep me at a distance, I tried not to push too much, to let her come to me when she was ready to be more open…and we got there; and now it's like some days we're fine and the rest I'm back to square one because now she doesn't have to deal with me unless she feels it's necessary. This thing with the press…she feels it's necessary…that I owe her my cooperation with it…"

"You don't…anything you owed has already been paid in full, Johanna. You don't have to go to this party just because she knows what button to push to guarantee automatic obedience. She knows you feel guilty, she knows it eats at you and she used it against you by hanging a debt over your head so you'd agree to go…but you don't have to do it. You don't have to let her order you around, she doesn't own you, no one does."

Johanna conjured up a small smile for him. "You do…with my permission."

He kissed her softly. "That's mutual…but in regard to Katie; one of these days you're going to have to let go of being afraid of angering her…you're going to have come out swinging and remind her of who exactly you are since it seems like it's slipping her mind. You can't let her make all the rules…you have to get some control back, sweetheart."

"I just want it all to go away," she breathed as she buried herself in his arms.

"I know; and I wish I could make it all go away for you," he replied as he held her tightly. "You don't have to go to that party…especially if the color of your dress is going to cause Katie to be crazed. Just tell her you're not going."

"Yeah; she'll be real accepting of that news."

"Well…if you wake up in the middle of the night, send her a text saying you're not going. She probably won't get it until morning and you can avoid her calls."

"She'll come over on her lunch break if I don't answer."

"Well maybe your husband will whisk you away during lunch hours," he whispered, his tone light.

"I like the sound of that."

"Good; we'll see what I can arrange."

She smiled up at him. "I married a very smart man."

"Yes, you did," he replied with a nod; "And you forgot to mention that not only do you have two degrees, two languages and basically, two careers; you're also a very cute former cheerleader who has excellent taste in husbands."

Johanna laughed. "You have pretty good taste in wives."

"I know," he teased; "I married a cheerleader who has on occasion let me talk her into very un-lady like things."

"You married a lawyer who was taken in by your charm during weak moments," she told him.

"A lawyer who I had the privilege of seeing in a cheerleading outfit."

"That's been a lasting memory for you, hasn't it?"

He nodded. "One of my favorites…even if you didn't let me get anywhere that day."

Johanna laughed. "I kissed you to round out your high school fantasy…because let's not forget, the bet I lost just said I had to model; it didn't say anything else."

"Such a stickler for fine print," he chuckled. "Come on, finish getting your drink and let's go upstairs."

She nodded, turning back to the counter and grabbing the glass she had abandoned. She filled it with ice water and slipped her phone into the pocket of her robe and then followed her husband out of the room.

"Put all of this book party nonsense out of your mind for the night," Jim said as they climbed the stairs. "Tomorrow we'll get away for a few hours and you can help Gabby get what she needs for her dance. I think that's a trip you'll enjoy more than your last one."

"I'm sure of it; you'll be there," she replied as she slipped her hand into his, resolving to put away her worries and frustrations for the rest of the night.

* * *

Johanna had just finished putting a batch of freshly baked brownies in a container the next morning when her phone rang. She sighed; figuring it was another call from Katie that she would decline. She had taken Jim's advice and had texted her daughter in the early hours of the morning when a noise had woke her. She had told her that she was rethinking the idea of going to the book release party and that they'd discuss it later in the week. She had missed Kate's first call while she had been cooking breakfast and she hadn't bothered to return the call…nor would she accept this one, she thought as she moved to the table and grabbed her phone.

Instead of seeing her daughter's face on the screen, Johanna saw her husband's picture instead. Her stomach tightened; it was only 9:30; he never called from work this early. He had sent his usual 'arrived safely' text at 8:23 that morning and she hadn't expected to hear from him again until closer to lunch time. Something must be wrong, she thought as she hurriedly accepted the call. "Hello?" she said, worry coloring her tone.

"Hey, sweetheart," Jim replied. "How would you like to run away with me?"

"What's wrong?" Johanna asked.

"Nothing's wrong; I meant run away for the fun of it. I thought you might like to go to New Jersey."

Puzzlement furrowed her brow. "Aren't we going there later today with Andrew and Gabby?"

"That was the plan," he answered; "But I have to pick up some files for a case in Jersey City. I figured you could go with me and we could make a day of it."

"What about work?" she asked; "Don't you have to go back to the office?"

"No; the meetings that were going to be held today got pushed to Friday; so I'm not needed here anymore today and I'll work from home tomorrow since all I have to do is work on those files I'm picking up. I figure I can leave a message for Andrew, telling him to meet us there after he gets Gabby from school. So what do you say, sweetheart? Do you want to run away with me?"

A smile broke across her lips. "I'd love to."

"That's my girl," he said warmly. "I should be there in about twenty minutes; so go get ready."

"I just have to change clothes; I can put my makeup on in the car," she told him as quickly exited the kitchen and headed for the stairs. "I'll be ready when you get here."

"Alright; I'll see you soon."

"I'm looking forward to it," she said with a smile as she ended the call and hurried up the stairs. She knew he had said that he'd see what he could do about whisking her away from home for lunch; but a day trip was an unexpected surprise; not mention, a very welcome one…she was ready to escape the city for a few hours and have the peace of anonymity again…and very happy with the thought of running away with her husband.

* * *

Johanna was feeling relaxed later that morning as she and Jim strolled through a park by the river that afforded them a nice view of their home city across the water. "You know, from here, it looks crowded," she remarked as they paused to take in the sight.

"Well; I guess in reality, it is a bit crowded," Jim replied; "It just doesn't seem like it to us because we were born and raised there."

"True, navigating the city is second nature to us. It doesn't seem so crowded on the inside when you're used to all those people…unless you're at Macy's during the Christmas season, then it feels like humanity is pressed against you."

Jim laughed. "Or stuck in traffic during rush hour."

"That too," she agreed with a laugh of her own before she turned pensive as she studied the view of her city.

"What are you thinking about?" her husband asked after she had been quiet for several minutes.

Johanna gave a shake of her head, not wanting to spoil the mood with her bad memories. Sometimes they snuck up on her, escaping the box she tried to keep them in with demands to be set free; to be spoken of for the sake of unloading them and clearing them from her mind for awhile.

His hand brushed against her back. "What is it?"

"I…it's…" she stammered, her tongue tying as she tried to find a way to voice her thoughts without inflicting pain.

"What?"

"I…I just could never get used to how open Wyoming was," she murmured. "It just seemed like there was all this space and it was strange to me. I couldn't stand it. It was too quiet and too open…too slow moving. Places like that are okay for a vacation but not for every day life when you're used to city life. It's hard to get used to…in New York, you feel like the pulse of the world is there…and out there in all that quiet…so far removed, it adds to the feeling of being lost. I missed the city, the energy, the movement. It's part of me…and in Wyoming, every part of me was gone…my name, my family, my friends, my job…my city…"

"It's not gone anymore," Jim replied. "You don't need to think about those things anymore."

Johanna breathed deeply; 'don't think about it'…someone was always telling her what to think or not think about; what to feel or not feel. She really didn't have any right to be upset that her husband would tell her not to think about it. If she thought about it, she'd want to talk about it…and he didn't want to hear her talk about it. She didn't blame him; why would he want to hear about it? It would just remind him of his own pain. Wyoming was hers to keep to herself no matter how badly it wanted out at times. She had inflicted enough pain…she shouldn't keep doing it just because the words needed out sometimes.

"Hey," Jim said somewhat firmly as he took her hand. "Don't go dark on me…I brought you hear so you could relax; not so you could sink under dark clouds again."

"I'm not," she replied, bristling slightly at his tone.

"You are; I see it moving over your face; you're sinking into it because some stray thought came to mind. You're home…you don't need to keep drowning yourself."

"I'm not; I can't help it that I thought of it."

He sighed. "I brought you here to have a nice time; not so you could dwell on the past. I don't want every trip we take to be marred with you thinking up bad memories."

Johanna jerked her hand away from his. "I'm not trying to ruin it! I'm sorry I had a thought that you didn't approve. I wasn't going to tell you but you pushed so I did, I'm sorry, okay!? I won't let it happen again."

God, he was no better than Katie, Jim thought to himself as he glanced at his wife and saw the sheen of tears in her eyes. "Don't cry," he demanded. "Please; just…don't."

"I wasn't going to," she retorted as she blinked.

He breathed deeply as she turned away from him and started to walk away. "Where are you going?" he asked.

"You can see the Statue of Liberty from one area of this park; that's where I'm going. I want to see the Statue of Liberty," Johanna answered as she kept walking at a clipped pace.

Jim hurried after her. "Wait for me."

Johanna said nothing, just kept walking until he caught up with her, his hand catching hold of her arm. "Slow down," he said; "Do we have to run to get there?"

She slowed her pace but said nothing in response as he kept hold of her arm. "I didn't know you wanted to see the Statue of Liberty," Jim stated; "We could've gone that way first. Any special reason you want to see it?"

"I like it."

Jim nodded. "Okay…any other reason?"

"I want to."

"I gathered that…anything else?"

Johanna glanced at him. "It's been awhile; and no, there's no bad memories or thoughts attached to that assessment; just a factual statement based on recall that I haven't been near it since Katie was in middle school and asked me to take her and her friend because the girl was new here and her parents too busy to take her sightseeing. It was a perfectly fine trip, no bad memories."

Jim stayed quiet; he didn't want to make any hasty retorts when he had already upset the apple cart by reacting badly to her expressing a thought that had made him uncomfortable; made him remember his own pain and made him ache with the thought of hers. He shouldn't have been harsh with her though; shouldn't have thrown out the remark that she was marring their trip and would possibly mar future ones. He was just as bad as Katie; telling her what to think and what to feel…what to do. She didn't mar their day; he did…and now he'd have to try and turn it around somehow.

"Are you cold?" he asked as they continued walking. "The weather doesn't feel too bad today; but I know you get cold even in mild weather."

"I'm fine," Johanna replied.

Jim allowed his hand to slide down her arm, retaking her hand; hoping she wouldn't reject the gesture. He allowed himself to breathe again when she didn't pull away, silence still between them. He let it linger, even as they reached the spot where the Statue of Liberty could be seen. A small hint of a smile tugged at her lips as she gazed out across the water at it and he couldn't help but squeeze her hand in response.

"I'm sorry, Jo," he murmured.

Johanna gave a soft shake of her head. "It was my fault; I should've kept my thoughts to myself. I'm sorry I ruined our trip…again. Maybe we shouldn't take trips; it seems to have a bad affect on us, unlike in the past."

"No; it's not like that. I shouldn't have reacted the way I did. Nothing's ruined…unless we let it be ruined and I don't want that. This one is on me, Jo; I asked what you were thinking and you were honest and told me, just like always. I don't want you to be depressed, I can't deny that; but I could've reacted better to a passing thought and I'm sorry. I know I hurt your feelings, and you know I never feel good about doing that, right?"

She nodded. "Yeah; I know…I'm sorry too. Let's just forget about it, okay?"

Jim wrapped his arm around her and pulled her close. "If I agree to that, are you really going to forget about it? Because I just want us to have a nice time and I feel like I already blew it and that it's not going to be easily forgotten."

She took a breath and let it go, along with her feelings about the way he had reacted to her comment. They were still healing, there was going to be little bumps along the way; there was no need to make them bigger than they needed to be. "You didn't blow it," she told him softly. "I just want to know that I didn't blow it…because I'm really good at that."

"No; you didn't blow it. All you did was tell me what you were thinking; I'm the one who made it an issue."

She leaned into him, her arm slipping around him. "Let's just call it mutual and let it go away. I just want to enjoy my day with you; it was an unexpected surprise and I don't want to lose it just because I had a melancholy thought that you didn't take well for obvious reasons. So let's just know that we're both sorry and go back to having a nice time."

"Deal," he replied before catching her lips in a kiss to seal the agreement. "Do you want to go check the schedule and see when the next ferry is? We could take the next one and go over and see the Statue of Liberty close up if you want to?"

Johanna smiled. "I would like that."

"Come on," he said, feeling the unease fade between them. "Let's go check the schedule."

After checking the schedule and getting their tickets, they found a place to sit down while they waited for the ferry. Johanna's phone rang and she sighed. "You don't have to answer it," Jim stated as she reached into her purse.

"I've been ignoring her calls all morning," she said as she glimpsed her daughter's face on the screen. "If I don't answer, she'll keep calling and I'd rather get it over with before we get on the ferry."

"I don't blame you," he replied.

"Hello," Johanna said as she answered.

"Where the hell are you?" Kate asked sharply.

"Excuse me?" Johanna asked, her tone firm.

"Where are you?" her daughter said slowly. "Your car is here, I'm in your kitchen and you're nowhere to be found. Where the hell are you and what are you up to?"

"I don't think I like your tone, Katherine."

"I don't really care; answer my question."

"I'm in New Jersey," Johanna said tartly; "More specifically; I'm in Liberty Park, waiting to take a ferry to the Statue of Liberty."

"You didn't tell me you were going to New Jersey."

"I didn't know I had to."

"How did you get there? Who are you with? Does Dad know you're in New Jersey?"

"I don't know," Johanna replied; "Let me check. Jim, do you know I'm in New Jersey?"

"Yeah; I got the feeling you were here when I drove you across the state line," he said with a laugh.

"Good. Yes, Katie; your father knows I'm in New Jersey…he brought me."

"Why wasn't I told that you were going to New Jersey?!"

"Because we don't have to report every move we make," she retorted.

"When you're leaving the state; I'd like to know about it!"

"Why are you yelling at me?" Johanna asked.

"Why am I yelling at you?" Kate repeated; "Maybe because I called you this morning before work about your little four a.m. text message and you didn't answer. I called you during a short break this morning, you didn't answer. I called you as soon as I went on my lunch break, you didn't answer. I drive over here, your car is in the driveway but you don't answer the door, so I let myself in and you're nowhere to be found. That's why I'm yelling at you. I want to know where you're going; because the last time no one knew where you were, I was told you were dead and I didn't see you again for thirteen years; so you think about that the next time you want to pull this stupid 'I'm not answering the phone' game of yours and then take off out of town without letting anyone know!"

Johanna allowed a few beats of silence to follow her daughter's tirade before she spoke. "I haven't answered the phone because I'm sick of arguing with you over a stupid party dress. I haven't answered the phone because I'm sick of hearing 'we think this would be best, we think that would be best'…and I'm sick of you making decisions about me with other people and thinking they're the only ones who know anything. I didn't answer the phone this morning because I knew you got my message saying that I don't think it's best for me to go to that party and that I'm rethinking my acceptance of your demand…because it sure as hell wasn't an invitation; it was a demand. You weren't informed that I was leaving the state this morning because I didn't know about it until my husband called me a little after nine and said he needed to come to New Jersey to collect some things from a firm here for a case he's working on. He said I could go with him and that he didn't have to get back to the office today; that we could spend some time together here…get away from things for a few hours. I agreed and got ready and was waiting for him when he pulled in. We're now waiting to take the ferry to the Statue of Liberty and after that we're going to get something to eat."

"Are you heading back after that?" Kate asked.

"No; we're not. I'll make sure your father notifies you of our return later today."

"Why don't you notify me?" her daughter asked.

"Because you've already pissed me off," she told her honestly. "I'm sick of having the past slapped in my face every time I do something someone doesn't like. You know I'm not answering your calls because I'm annoyed with you. I didn't call and let you know I was going anywhere because I didn't feel I needed to; I'm with my husband…you don't call and tell me when you're on a date so why should I have to report mine to you?"

"You could do it because of that past history you don't like being reminded of," Kate replied. "How do you think I felt when my calls are going unanswered, your car is here but you're not…how am I supposed to feel?"

"You could've taken a breath and considered that I might be with your father."

"Why can't you just understand how I feel?" her daughter asked sharply.

"I do understand…I also wonder the same thing in regard to you; why can't you just understand how I feel sometimes?"

"Don't change the subject."

"Fine, Katie; I apologize that I caused you worry. The next time I put a foot out my door, I will make sure you're notified. Since you're at home; feel free to make yourself lunch; there's leftover pasta in the fridge and plenty of things for sandwiches. There are some brownies in a container on the counter, have one or two; it'll make you feel better. I have some episodes of Temptation Lane on the dvr if you want something to watch while you eat. Check the mail before you leave; put it on the stand if there's any; make sure the door locks before you go."

"So, we're not going to talk about your text from this morning?"

"Not right now; I'm waiting on a ferry."

"What does that have to do with anything?!"

"I don't want to argue with you on a ferry and ruin my trip."

"It's not that long of a trip, Mom."

"Make a sandwich, sweetheart; you seem hungry…I think it's making you cranky; make sure you get a brownie too."

Kate breathed deeply. "I'm taking the whole damn container."

Johanna was quiet for a moment. "You can take half….I just made them; I haven't even ate one yet."

"I'm definitely taking them all; let that be a lesson to you."

"A lesson for what!?"

"For not being where you're supposed to be!" Kate exclaimed. "Now I'm going to eat your food and leave my dishes in the sink and go back to work and I'm not going to forget about your little message so you better haul yourself back to the city so we can get it over with, because you are going with me Saturday night and that's all there is to it."

"We'll see."

"I guess we will."

"Okay; I'm hanging up now and getting back to my date. Have a nice day, be safe. I love you."

"Bye," Kate said tartly.

Johanna sighed as she put her phone back in her purse. "Our daughter didn't give us her love before hanging up."

"That's because she's too busy stealing our brownies," Jim replied.

She nodded. "I knew I should've waited until tomorrow to bake."

"Yeah…because now you're going to have to do it again because now I want brownies."

She smiled as she leaned close and kissed his cheek. "Just for you I'll make another batch."

He patted her knee affectionately. "She threw some daggers at you."

"Yeah; but I should be used to that."

"I don't think you can ever get used to that from your own kid."

Johanna covered his hand with hers. "Maybe not…but I'm choosing not to allow it to spoil my day. I have to learn to let some of the daggers miss the mark and she has to learn not to panic just because I'm not where she thinks I should be."

"Those are good points."

"It's funny though; she only wants me around when she needs something but she wants to know where I'm at and what I'm doing all the time."

"That's so you can't get away," he replied. "I remember you telling me that when she was a little girl and she'd cling to me when I'd come home from a business trip."

"I remember," she said with a nod; "But on the other hand; the one time I did call and notify her that I was leaving the house, she got pissed off."

"That's true; she did…and she tattled on you for a whole two days."

"Yes; and it further complicated issues we were already having."

"We got through it," Jim stated, his hand squeezing her knee.

"I know; but still, she gets mad when I don't notify her; and she got mad the time I did…how am I supposed to figure that out?"

"I don't know," her husband replied; "When she's in those kind of moods, I just chalk it up to the same thing I always chalked yours up to be."

"And what was that?"

"Period," he answered.

Her brow rose as she regarded him with amusement. "Just out of curiosity, what do you chalk mine up to now that I don't have a period?"

"Hormonal imbalance," he replied; "I figure just because the main event is over doesn't mean the side shows stop."

"Side shows?" his wife repeated.

He smiled sheepishly. "Don't push me off the ferry."

Johanna burst into laughter and he couldn't help but allow a broad smile to cross his lips; allowing the sound to saturate his soul. It always felt like a victory when he could make her laugh like that; she had so little to find amusement in lately…and she had always tried to do her best to contain her laugh, to keep it from being too loud, from drawing attention to herself…to appear ladylike at all times. But sometimes he won…sometimes he could send her into giggles and there was no controlling that pure, unrestrained laugh that he adored.

"I won't push you off the ferry," she said lightly, her eyes sparkling with amusement.

"Why not?" he couldn't help but ask.

"Because I put a lot of work into you, I don't want to have to start over," she teased.

He laughed as he wrapped his arm around her. "I can't say that I blame you; you have made quite an investment…and I've made a great effort at spoiling you from day one so no other man could compete with me; so you better just keep me."

"Oh I plan on it," Johanna replied. "I'm not letting you get away."

"I'm not letting you go either," he said, pressing a kiss against her head as he hugged her close. "Looks like the ferry is on its way back; we better move on down there so we can be ready to board."

She pressed a quick kiss to his lips and gave him a smile as she slipped her hand in his. "I'm glad we got to have this unexpected little trip today."

"Me too; and the day is still young, sweetheart. I'm sure we still have plenty to do."

"I can't wait," she answered; her fingers squeezing his as a smile remained on her lips.

* * *

"What are you trying to do?" Jim asked as he watched Johanna angling her phone in different directions after their tour of the Statue of Liberty.

"I'm trying to get a good picture of the Statue of Liberty," she replied.

"Well you better pick an angle soon; we'll have to get the ferry back soon."

"I know; I'm just trying to get as much as possible in the picture without being too far away."

"Let me try," he said as he took the phone from her hand. He chose what he felt was a good angle and clicked two pictures for her. "How are these?"

"Those are good; that's what I was looking for. I want to send one to…" she trailed off, the smile fading from her lips as she reconsidered what she was about to say.

"Send one to who?" Jim asked.

Johanna gave a shake of her head. "No one, I don't know why I said that. We better get ready to go."

He gently grasped her arm as she started to turn away. "Jo; who were you going to send the picture to? Don't tell me no one…don't keep things from me."

She breathed deeply; the last thing she wanted was for him to think she was keeping secrets and talking to someone he didn't know about. "Carolyn," she answered softly. "She's always wanted to see it…pictures aren't the same but I thought she might like it anyway."

Confusion wrinkled his brow; why wouldn't she want to tell him that she was sending a picture to her friend? "There's nothing wrong with that…why didn't you just say you were sending it to her when you started to in the first place?"

A hint of shame burned her cheeks as she shrugged. "Because…that's Wyoming," she said quietly. "I don't…I mean…we don't…I just…"

"Pick one, Jo; you're gearing up to ramble."

She swallowed hard. "I didn't want to say Carolyn because I didn't want you to think I miss Wyoming in any way…I also didn't want to bring it up because we don't talk about stuff from there because it's uncomfortable and bad memories and I just…didn't want to chance spoiling things when I already had one close call of that today."

Jim draped his arm around her shoulders as they slowly began the trek to the boarding place for the ferry. He supposed he couldn't blame her for not wanting to mention Wyoming; he did seem to react badly at times when she'd mention her life there…and he figured that he had made it subtly clear at times that he didn't want to hear about those years and how she had spent her time. That wasn't really fair though; trying to make her keep a portion of her life sealed off and kept silent like a dirty little secret. "Listen," he said gently; "I know you don't miss Wyoming; I know you hated it there and it was just as bad there for you as things were here for me."

"I'm sorry that I've brought it up twice today though; that's not what you had in mind when you asked me to run away with you."

"You've always told me what's on your mind, Jo. You've always let me in to the deepest reaches of your mind and soul…I don't want you to stop doing that just because it might be a little uncomfortable at times. I know you don't miss that place; but it doesn't mean you can't miss your friend. She was all you had for a long time and it's only natural for you to think of her and miss her…and you don't have to be afraid to mention her to me. I know you still talk to her and I'm glad you do. It doesn't bother me that you have a friend out there."

"I just…I don't always know if it's okay to mention her or not," Johanna admitted. "I know you don't like for me to talk about Wyoming and that you don't want me to think about that place because it depresses me; so I try not to mention her too much."

"Sweetheart; I don't want you to feel that way. You can talk about your friend to me like you always have; like I talk about my friends to you. I met Carolyn when I was in Wyoming with you. She's a nice person; I'm glad she's making the effort to stay in your life and I'm glad you didn't cut her out of yours. It's fine, okay?"

She nodded, managing a small smile for him. "I just try not to make you uncomfortable when I can stop the words from coming out of my mouth…which isn't often, but I try."

"I'm fine," he told her. "Nothing's been upset by mentioning your friend…maybe you should call her sometimes instead of just trading emails and texts. She'd probably like to hear your voice once in awhile. I think maybe you shy away from that because you can't call when I'm at work because she's at work and you don't call in the evening because you're afraid I'll be bothered that you're talking to someone who lives in Wyoming."

"I can't really deny that," she confessed.

"I don't want you to feel that way anymore," Jim replied. "Send her the pictures and tell her that you'll call her this weekend, okay? I think maybe it would do you good."

"Okay," Johanna murmured. "I..I wouldn't mind talking to her for awhile."

"Then you do that," he told her. "Maybe in the summer; when things have settled and quiet down…maybe she can come visit you and we can bring her to see the Statue of Liberty in person."

She wrapped her arms around him in a makeshift hug as they continued their walk. "I'd like that."

Jim brushed a kiss against her temple. "Then we'll make it happen. Are you ready to get some lunch when we get back?"

"Yeah; I'm getting hungry…and you are my favorite lunch date."

He smiled. "You're my favorite too…we haven't had a lunch date in awhile."

"I know; I'm glad we're changing that today," Johanna said lightly; "And the best part is that we don't have to rush since neither one of us has anywhere to go."

"That's my favorite part too…aren't you glad I have such a brilliant mind and suggested this?"

She laughed. "Yes; I'm so glad that I'll overlook your conceit."

"You're good like that."

"I like to think so," Johanna quipped. "What else are we going to do today before Andrew and Gabby get out here?"

"Oh we'll find things to do; I'm not worried."

"Me neither," she replied, feeling a little bit of her stress easing as they walked along with their arms around each other.

* * *

Awhile later; they were seated in a nice restaurant that they had selected after Googling their options in the car. So far, Johanna thought they had done well with their choice; the place was spacious and had a modern flare, the food was good, the prices and portions reasonable. She was enjoying it; not just the meal but the time spent with her husband; the bump they had suffered through in the park had faded; lightness taking its place and she was thankful that things hadn't been spoiled.

"You're quiet all of a sudden," Jim commented.

"I didn't mean to be," she replied with a smile. "I was just thinking."

"What about?"

"You'll be going on your hunting trip soon," she remarked.

"Yeah," he said with a nod. "I'm still not all that sure it's a good idea though."

"Why not?"

"I don't like leaving you for that long," Jim replied.

"You've left me for longer before. You had some long business trips at times."

"I know…but that was different. That was before…and you don't know how much I regretted all of those trips and the time away from you when I thought I lost you. When you came home, I told myself that I wasn't going to take you and our second chance for granted."

"Going on a trip with your friends isn't taking me for granted," Johanna replied. "I love every minute we have together but I don't want you to stop doing things you like to do with your friends. I told you it was alright for you to go."

"I know; but I don't think I'm going to like it."

She gave him a smile; her hand stretching toward his, her fingers softly brushing against the skin of his hand. "You will…and I think it'll be good for you. I know you have your own share of stress and worries and it'll be a good outlet for you. I'll be fine; I promise. I'll be there when you get back."

"I know you will be…but I'll worry about you."

"I'll worry about you too…you'll be out playing with guns in the woods."

He chuckled lightly. "I'm careful."

"You better be…and you warn your friends that if they're not careful and they damage you in any way; they will answer to me," she remarked; her eyes sparkling with amusement.

"I'll tell them," he laughed. "I'm sure some of them will quake in fear of your wrath."

"They better!" she giggled; "But seriously; it'll be okay. I want you to have fun…will you be able to call me?"

"Yeah; I'll be able to call from the lodge in the evening."

"Good; because I did want to at least have phone calls so I know you're okay out there."

"Don't worry, sweetheart; I'll check in. I'll want to make sure you're okay too."

"I will be," Johanna assured; "I promise not to go out unless I have to and I'll let Katie know if I do have to go to the store or something; even if it does annoy her."

He smiled. "Alright; and Andrew should still be in town, so don't hesitate to call him if you need something or have a problem."

"Okay. Will you be back in time for Katie's birthday?"

"Yeah; I'll be back the day before; probably early evening."

Johanna nodded. "I know we don't stand a chance in hell of taking her out to dinner on her birthday because I'm sure Rick will want to do that; which is only reasonable…and I can't say anything about it because I bailed on my mother for one or two birthday dinners in favor of you…so I can't say a word about dinner to her…"

"But?" Jim laughed.

"But; I was thinking maybe we could grab her for lunch. I'd like to be able to see her for a little while…give her a gift."

"You know she keeps saying that she doesn't want a gift."

"I didn't want to be in labor for twenty-two hours either; I found it quite dramatic of her. She can compensate me by accepting a birthday gift," Johanna replied.

He laughed. "I don't know if she'll see it that way."

"I'm not going to go overboard. I saw a jacket on Macy's website that I think she'll like so I ordered it and I thought I'd get a bottle of her perfume or something…you know, just keeping it simple so she wouldn't think I was trying to overwhelm her and I figured you'd probably get her something."

"I usually just give her some giftcards. I'll pick up a couple before my trip."

"Okay; then it's not the overwhelming gift giving occasion she seems to think I'm going to spring on her, right?"

"Right," he agreed; "Keeping it simple is best this year…although you'd probably get a better deal on the perfume for Christmas."

"Probably; but I didn't have that set in stone. I'm just not sure what else to get her because I'm trying to be…underwhelming? I don't want to make her angry when she keeps proclaiming she wants nothing but I have to give her something; it wouldn't feel right to me…and I want to get her something. I haven't gotten to in a long time."

"I know, sweetheart. I'm sure you'll think of something; if not, the jacket could be a good way to ease into it. I know you like to spoil her but just start off small."

"Her purse is starting to show some wear," Johanna stated; "Maybe I could get her a new one…just that and the jacket? Do you think that would be okay?"

Jim nodded. "Yeah; I think that would be okay. It's simple, it's not too much…it's not on the sentimental side, which you know, she'd be glad of that."

"Right…no sappy gifts; she'd probably hit me with a sappy gift."

"Probably…and then I'd have to yell and that wouldn't be a good lunch."

"We need to take her somewhere nice for lunch that also has cake as an option for dessert…can't have a birthday celebration without a piece of cake."

"We'll get it all worked out…we have to see if she'll agree to it first. I know her birthday fell on a Saturday this year but we don't know if she'll have to work or not."

"I hope not," Johanna replied. "I don't want to miss another birthday…especially not when we're in the same city. I know she'll have plans with Rick for the evening; but I'd like to at least see her for a little while…even just an hour."

Jim patted her hand. "We'll get it worked out; you'll see her."

She gave him a smile. "We've got a lot of stuff coming up; your trip; Katie's birthday…"

"Thanksgiving," he said happily; "The holiday of food."

"I'm looking forward to us having Thanksgiving," she said warmly.

"Me too…I'm already mentally composing the menu I want you to prepare."

Johanna laughed. "Really?"

"Mhmm…will you make me your mom's pumpkin pie?"

"Yes, honey; I always did once she wasn't here to make it for you."

"Good; because I've missed that. Katie tried to make it that one year and it didn't turn out and she wouldn't try again."

"You'll have your pie," she promised. "Since I don't like pumpkin; I might make an apple pie too."

"That sounds good too; the more pies the better."

"We'll have to discuss what all is going to be on the menu," Johanna said, happiness tingeing her tone. "What do Andrew and Gabby do for Thanksgiving?"

"They go wherever they're invited."

"Should we invite them to our house…or would you rather it just be us and Katie this time; that is if she comes?"

Jim shook his head. "No; I'm fine with inviting Andrew and Gabby. I think that would be great."

"Okay; then we'll do that…and I was thinking, maybe we could invite Samantha and the baby; because she might be alone."

"Yes; you should invite Sammi over with the baby. There's no point in her spending the holiday alone if she doesn't have to."

"It'll be nice," Johanna said, her hand finding his once more. "I'm looking forward to Thanksgiving…I can't wait to cook that meal for you again."

"I can't wait either…it's always been a special thing for us."

"Yeah; it has been…and I've missed it."

"Me too, sweetheart," he replied; and then he allowed himself to broach the question that came to mind. "What did you do for Thanksgiving when you were away?"

"Nothing," she answered. "Carolyn would invite me to her house but I didn't want to intrude on her family holidays and I don't think I could've stood seeing a happy family together when I couldn't be with mine. So I'd politely decline and just stay home and eat a TV dinner if I felt up to it…a lot of times I didn't…and sometimes in the evening, Carolyn would bring me a plate of leftovers from her meal; and she'd stay until I ate…I guess to make sure I did."

"I think that even though she didn't know your whole story, she sensed a great deal of it," Jim remarked. "She knew you were missing someone."

"I did have a few slipups through the years," she admitted. "I've told you about that though; it wasn't major…but it was enough to give her a picture I guess, even though she had the wrong idea about what happened to my family."

"I know," he replied, giving her hand a reassuring pat. "It'll be different this year though…you'll be where you belong…and you can call her and let her hear how happy you can be on that day."

A smile touched her lips. "Yeah; I can do that."

"It's going to be good this year," he told her, a note of promise in his voice.

She nodded, a touch of nerves flicking across her face. "What did you do for Thanksgiving?"

He breathed deeply. "Well, if Katie didn't have to work, she would come over and cook the meal; when she had to work, then I'd go to Michael's and Natalie would send her a plate that I'd drop off to her."

Johanna took a sip of her drink, giving her a moment to push down her emotions. "I'm glad you weren't alone," she murmured.

"It was never the same without you," he remarked. "I wish you hadn't been alone."

"It's okay," she replied; "I won't be alone this time…I'll be with you…and hopefully Katie will come."

"I'm sure if she doesn't have to work that she will…it's your first holiday home; where else would she be?"

Johanna smiled. "With her boyfriend."

"I think for this year, you should get to out rank…considering everything."

"She might not agree," she laughed.

"She needs to."

"I'm not going to push," Johanna stated; "If she wants to bail on me for Thanksgiving, I can handle that…but I do want Christmas with her."

Jim had a feeling that would be a harder sell but he didn't want to ruin the day by taking them down that dark road. "Let's finish our lunch and then go see what else we can do."

"It's a shame we didn't know about this in advance," Johanna remarked. "We could've spent the night…I'm having a nice time here and I have you all to myself; with the exception of a few hours later when Andrew and Gabby join us."

Jim smiled, his eyes lighting up at the idea. "Hey, we can spend the night; that's not a problem."

"It kind of is," she laughed. "We didn't bring anything; we can't just go check into a hotel without luggage; they'd think you picked me up on some corner."

He shook his head. "That's easily solved; we'll get luggage."

"We can't drive back home, pack a bag and come back; that would be crazy!"

"That's not what I meant at all," Jim said. "They have stores here…plenty of them. We just go buy some things for tonight and tomorrow morning and a get an overnight bag and pack the stuff in it in the car."

"That's crazy! Do you know how much that would cost?"

"Not much if we buy reasonably priced stuff. We'll get a room at that hotel with the best view of the city across the water."

"That place costs a fortune!"

"We can afford a night there."

"Jim; it's a lot of money to spend for one night when we count buying what we'd need to do so."

He smiled. "We're being spontaneous."

"It's crazy," she laughed.

"When you're being spontaneous, a little bit of craziness is to be expected. Come on, sweetheart; you have your list and I have mine…remember when we said that when we got to this age, we'd take spur of the moment trips and just have fun and not worry?"

"Yeah; I remember…"

"Well…you already agreed to run away with me…so why not be spontaneous and spend the night like you want?" he coaxed. "We can afford it…we deserve it too, I believe."

"That's true," she said slowly.

"So how about it?" he grinned. "You want to be spontaneous and crazy with me?"

"Always," she laughed.

"Then should we finish lunch and go shopping and then get that room? Think of how happy we'll be…and already are."

"We'll be paying a lot of money to be that happy."

"We're worth it," Jim stated; "You know you want to…are you game?"

She smiled as she nodded. "Yeah; I'm game…let's be crazy and spontaneous."

Jim gave her a somewhat gloating smile. "It's good to know that I haven't lost my touch in persuading you to come around to my way of thinking."

Johanna smirked at him. "Like you didn't already know it."

"Never hurts to have proof; especially in our line of work."

She laughed. "You mean your line of work? Because I don't seem to be in that line anymore."

He shrugged. "Just because you've retired from it so to speak doesn't mean it isn't still in there…besides; you'll always be my favorite lawyer."

Johanna smiled, giving a small shake of her head. "That statement really shouldn't have just gotten to me the way that it did."

"Which one? The favorite lawyer one?"

"Yeah," she grinned.

Amusement sparkled in his eyes. "You want to get the hotel room first instead of the shopping? Because I'm okay with that."

"I'm sure you would be," she laughed; "But I'm not checking in without a bag…you do that and they know what you're doing."

"I don't care if they know."

"Of course not; you men like to brag."

"Come on, sweetheart; we're being spontaneous," he replied; his tone warm and loving as he took her hand.

Johanna shook her head. "You said shopping first."

He gave a dramatic sigh. "You're always such a stickler for rules that make me wait."

A sly smile slid across her lips. "I know…it makes it all the sweeter in the end."

"How do I know you're not just teasing me?"

"I rarely ever tease you."

His fingertips caressed her hand. "Are you sure about that?"

"Mhmm."

"I might need a little proof of your intentions, Mrs. Beckett," he stated.

Johanna gave him a grin. "Well…if you take me shopping, I just might buy something special for our evening," she told him, her tone low and carrying a seductive note.

His brow rose. "Something special occasion?"

"Of course…this is a special occasion, isn't it?" she asked, her eyes gleaming.

"It's getting more special by the minute, sweetheart."

"Then what do you say?"

Jim laughed. "Let's go shopping."

Her foot brushed against his leg. "More words that melt my heart, darling."

"God, I'm glad I had to come here today," he remarked.

"I'm glad I got to come along."

He smiled. "Wouldn't have even thought of making the trip without you…but if you're really glad, we can get that room first."

"Nope," she laughed; "Shopping; remember, you already melted me."

"If you think that's good; wait until I melt you later."

"Oh no," Johanna said, her tone low as her fingers caressed his; "Later, I melt you."

Jim captured her hand, a grin on his lips. "Let's go shopping."

"We didn't have dessert," she quipped; "Usually you're big on that."

"I'm good for now," he replied; "We've got better things to do."

"You're giving shopping priority over your stomach? I'm going to kiss you senseless when we get to the car."

"This is getting better all the time," Jim remarked as he signaled the waiter for the check.

She smiled softly, her gaze full of love and thankfulness as she met his eye. "Yeah; it is."


	29. Chapter 29

_A/N: Thanks for your reviews! Brief moments of strong language warning._

Chapter 29- You Don't Own Me

" _Just let me be myself, that's all I ask of you"- Lesley Gore_

"I think we should always come here to shop," Jim stated as he and Johanna made their way through a department store after lunch that day.

"Why? Because the prices are a little cheaper across the state line?" she asked as she pushed the shopping cart.

"No; because we don't know anyone here…we don't have to worry about running into people we hate," he replied; lightness in his tone.

Johanna laughed. "Well that is true; maybe we've just found one of the secrets of life; leave town to shop and the experience will be acquaintance free and peaceful."

"We're on such a roll today," he said as he slipped an arm around her waist. "We've left town, ran a work errand, visited a national landmark and have now discovered one of the secrets of life…plus, we're having spontaneous date day."

"Oh, so now it's 'date day'?" she teased.

"Spontaneous date day to be exact," he remarked; "Which is to be followed by spontaneous night at the hotel…which has always been a personal favorite."

"Yes, I know; along with spontaneous night anywhere."

"Sweetheart, you know me so well," Jim replied, brushing a kiss against her cheek as he gave her waist a squeeze.

"I should hope so…I mean how long have we known each other?"

"You know the number as well as I do…but I'm not going to say it; it might depress you," he stated, amusement in his tone.

"It is getting close to a milestone number, isn't it?" Johanna said lightly.

"Yes…one with a zero in it."

"Yeah...that's the one…but it's not here yet."

"But still coming right at us," he laughed.

"True…doesn't seem possible though, does it?"

"What?"

"That it's been almost forty years since we met."

"Shh, don't say the bad word."

She giggled. "One of us had to say it."

"No; we continue to live in denial…that's a happy place," he quipped.

"Are we spontaneous in the happy place?" Johanna asked.

"All the time; but since I have a feeling we're still on the record; no it doesn't feel that long since we met."

"Good answer," she replied, leaning into him as she kept hold of the cart.

"What can I say, you've trained me well."

"Apparently so," she said, angling her head so she could brush a kiss against his cheek. She saw a woman across the aisle roll her eyes as she watched them and she couldn't help but smirk. "You know; we might not know anyone here, but people sure have been giving us looks the whole time we've been in here."

"They're just jealous," Jim remarked.

"You think so?"

"Of course; the women are jealous of your beauty and the men are jealous because I got you and they can't have you."

"Good theory."

"Of course…they're also jealous that we're having spontaneous date day and they're not," he stated lightly. "So Madam Eye Roller can think we're sickening all she wants but we're secure in our very happy, loving marriage and we're not afraid to show it."

Johanna laughed softly as the woman stormed away. "So you noticed her too?"

"It was hard not to; she rolled her eyes so hard I'm pretty sure I heard them rattling in their sockets."

She shook her head, a smile still on her lips. "I think we might've been making a bad reputation for ourselves in here."

"Because of one eye roller?"

"It's been more than one," she remarked; "We've gotten several 'look at the sickening couple' looks."

"Jealousy, I told you; just pure jealousy."

"Mhmm; I think some of those looks might have been because you had your hand in my back pocket earlier."

"My hand was cold," he quipped.

"You've got your own pockets."

"They're not as much fun as yours."

"Oh really?" she giggled.

"Yes; your pockets are way more fun…I love your pockets."

"Do you?"

"Yes; you've got the best pockets I've ever seen."

Johanna laughed. "That sounds so wrong."

"Now, sweetheart; you know there's never been anything wrong with us," he said, his hand rubbing against her side; "Besides; it's a date, you know going in that eventually I'm going to get my hand somewhere."

"That's true; you have a very sneaky hand."

"And you like it," he remarked smugly.

She smirked at him, amusement in her eyes. "Yeah; I do."

He gave her hip an affectionate pat. "You can always put your hand in my pocket too."

"Oh I will," she replied.

His brow rose, a grin playing on his lips. "When?"

She smiled coyly. "If I told you it wouldn't be a surprise."

"You're going to surprise me later?" he asked.

"Well, as you keep saying; it is spontaneous date day."

"And night," Jim added. "Don't forget the night."

"I would never forget the night, darling."

"Good," he said as he stepped away from her and plucked a skimpy black nightgown from the rack. "You should get this for tonight."

"It looks a little slutty," she remarked as she tried to suppress a smile.

"No; not slutty; special occasion," Jim replied.

"Special occasion huh?

"Yes; remember, you said it was a special occasion and you hinted that you would shop accordingly."

"Such a good listener you are," she quipped.

"Special talent I save just for you," he said as he wiggled the hanger at her. "You really should buy this for tonight…for in our very nice hotel room I reserved before leaving the lunch table…for our spontaneous date event."

"Now it's an event?" she laughed.

"It's always an event with you, sweetheart," Jim replied with a smile. "So how about it?"

Johanna eyed the nightgown he had chosen and then took it from his hand and dropped it into their cart. "I'd say that's very special occasion appropriate."

"I love when you come around to my way of thinking," he remarked as he stole a kiss.

Another shopper passed them by, shaking her head as she went. "Looks like people find our spontaneous nature offending, honey," she said lightly.

"I'm not sorry in the slightest."

"Me neither," Johanna replied as she pulled him back for another kiss. "They're just jealous that I got the most handsome man in this place."

"People just can't handle us," he teased.

"That's the truth," she agreed, stealing one more kiss. "We better finish our shopping and get out of here before we get thrown out for too many public displays of affection."

"Yeah; we might get arrested and they'd have to call our daughter…can you imagine how that would go?" Jim asked with a laugh.

"I shudder to even think of it," Johanna replied. "Talk about a horror story."

"It wouldn't be pretty to say the least," he agreed. "We better hope that never happens; we'd never hear the end of it."

Johanna nodded. "Maybe we could call Jeff instead…he owes us a bail out for the Atlantic City Incident."

Jim smiled, his arm slipping around her once more. "That's right; see, I not only married you for your beauty and your cooking skill; there was also that highly intelligent brain of yours. Now spontaneous date event can continue now that we have Jeff as an option, because he totally owes us."

She laughed. "I'm glad I could accommodate you."

"You always do," he said with a smile, his lips brushing against her temple. This day was going to be even better than he planned when that work errand fell into his lap that morning.

* * *

"This place is amazing," Johanna said after they had been shown to their hotel room.

It should be considering the price, Jim thought to himself but he wasn't worried about the expense; they deserved to splurge on a night away from home. She was happy for the first time in days; smiling, lighthearted…he didn't want to throw that away for anything.

"It is nice, isn't it?" he asked as he watched her walk the length of the spacious room with its upscale décor and a perfect view of New York's skyline across the river.

"It is…and very expensive," she commented with a laugh.

"We're worth it," he replied as she paused at the window to stare out at the view. He drifted toward her, his arms slipping around her waist, his chest pressed against her back. "The price never matters to me when I get to run away with you."

She smiled as she turned, her arms slipping around him. "I know that today is nowhere near over…but I hope we can do this again sometime soon."

"We will," Jim promised; "We'll take any opportunity that comes our way."

Johanna kissed him softly, her fingers brushing against his cheek lovingly. "When was the last time we took a spur of the moment trip?" she asked. "Was it that business trip of yours to Atlanta, right after Katie left for college?"

"It might've been," he answered; "You were having a slow week so you juggled your schedule and went with me…we had a good time."

"We did," she agreed. "I wouldn't mind going back there some time…I'd like to see Savannah too."

"We'll get there…we'll take off this summer, sweetheart; just go wherever the hell we want with no time constraints…an extended road trip."

A bright smile broke across her lips. "I love the sound of that, I really do."

"I promised you," he told her; "Remember…over the summer when you were at Katie's…I promised you that you'd come home and we'd have another road trip."

She nodded, her throat tightening with emotion as her hand softly moved against his chest.

Jim brushed his lips against her cheek, his mouth moving closer to her ear. "See…I told you everything would be alright. You came home; this is our first spontaneous trip of many."

"Even if we hit a few bumps in the road?" she asked softly; knowing that there were times when she feared the bad moments that occasionally sprung up between them.

"I promise," he murmured; "I'm not afraid of the bumps in the road; do you know why?"

"Why?"

"Because we've already had the biggest bump in the road that we could ever have and we got through it, sweetheart; we're still here…we still love each other with everything we have, we always get through the rough spots and it never changes how we feel. I don't fear them, I know they're inevitable at times; we've had them before, we'll have them again…but I don't want you to be afraid of them either; because it's never going to change anything. You and me; we've always been in it from start to finish and that's not going to change now. So don't you worry…we might fight sometimes…we might not always have good reasons for it, because we've been known for that; but we always get through it."

Johanna gave him a small smile as she nodded. "I know I ask you that at times," she said softly; "I know the answer is never going to change…my heart knows we'll always make it…but you know my brain; sometimes it needs the reassurance."

He grinned, his lips grazing her temple. "I know all about your brain, honey; I don't mind giving it extra reassurance when you need it."

"I hate that it needs it sometimes."

Jim gave a soft shake of his head. "I know you probably feel like you ask for that reassurance a lot but you don't…and the times when you do ask, as time goes by, I know they'll dwindle…it's just a part of the process right now."

She kissed him once more. "I love you."

"I love you too."

"I know," she murmured; her tone lightening. "It has to be love to lay down a credit card for this room."

Jim laughed. "This is not the first expensive hotel room I've taken you to, you know?"

"I know; but prices have gone up."

"We can afford it; we're fine…it's not like Pennsylvania…when you ordered that very expensive bottle of champagne from room service."

Johanna smirked at him. "Well you can't say I went unpunished for ordering that bottle of champagne…I mean a few weeks later, I was throwing up every day of my life and that lasted for a very long time…or at least it felt like it to me."

He chuckled. "Yeah; your morning sickness felt like it lasted a long time to me too."

"No regrets though, of course," she remarked. "Any regrets from you?"

"No," he said with a shake of his head; "There were a few moments during her teen years…and maybe a few in her adult years so far; but you know how that goes."

"Yeah; I know…we've all been there."

Jim smiled, his hand moving against the small of her back. "Have I told you that you look beautiful today?"

"No; but it's not like I'm dressed up," she replied.

"You look good to me…you always look good to me."

"You always look good to me too."

"You look beautiful today," he told her before kissing her softly.

She smiled at him, a hint of mischief in her eyes. "What are you up to?"

"What?"

"Don't what me," she laughed; "I know when you're getting ideas…you start sweet talking me."

He shook his head, a grin on his lips. "You can't prove that."

"Oh, I'm pretty sure I can; I know that look on your face."

"Well, sweetheart; what do you expect…I have you exactly where I want you; on a date, in a hotel room…my evil plan has worked."

Her brow rose. "I thought you didn't plan this work errand you had to go on that brought us here."

"I didn't; that's the beauty of my evil plan…I didn't have to work hard to think it up."

Johanna patted his cheek. "I don't know what I'm going to do with you."

"I've got a few ideas if you're interested," he told her.

"Later, honey…you know the rules; you have to buy my dinner first."

"I bought you lunch!"

"Yes; but you then upgraded us from spontaneous date day to spontaneous date event, so, dinner rules come into play," she told him.

"You didn't explain that to me before the upgrade."

"You didn't ask."

"I'm not sure this contract is legal," Jim said lightly. "I want a lawyer…I pick you."

"Is that a wise thing to do; I am the one you want to litigate against."

"Well I figure we could have some mediation first…step into my office."

"Nope," she laughed; "I fell for that before."

"Yes…willingly."

"Hush," Johanna admonished, a smile on her lips.

"Come on," he told her, his lips brushing against her cheek; "You know you want to give this room a test drive."

"I can wait," she laughed; "So can you; I want to go do some more things before we meet Andrew and Gabby…you did let him know we're already here, right?"

"Yes; he said as soon as he gets Gabby from school they'll head our way. I told them we'll meet them inside the mall entrance."

"Good," she replied, pressing a kiss against his mouth. "Now let's go be tourists again."

"We could tour our room."

"We already have."

"Not all of it."

"Later," she told him; "Remember; good things come to those who wait."

He gave her a loving pat. "Alright, where to next?"

"They have some museums here; I wouldn't mind wandering into a few to look around."

"We can do that," Jim replied; "Who knows what else we might find along the way."

She smiled and then wrapped herself around him in a hug. "What's this for?" he asked, his tone loving as he held her tightly.

"For everything…just because."

He gave a soft laugh as he nuzzled her hair. "There for a minute I thought maybe you changed your mind about staying in for a little while longer."

Johanna laughed. "No; I'm just happy to be with you."

"That's mutual," he told her before pulling back so that he could kiss her. "Let's head out before I try to convince you to change your mind."

"Do you have the room key?"

"Yeah; it's here in my pocket," Jim said, pulling it out to show her. "Maybe you should put it in your purse for safe keeping.

Johanna took the key and moved to the stand where she had sat her purse down and tucked it inside in a safe spot. "Alright, I'm ready to get back to our 'event' as you termed it."

Jim gave a nod as he took her hand. "Then let's get back to it…the more things we find to do, the faster night will come."

"You just never stop," she replied with a laugh.

"I know; lucky you."

Johanna nodded. "Yeah; I am very lucky…there's never a day when I don't realize that; just so you know."

He raised her hand and kissed it softly. "Same here, sweetheart; I don't ever forget how lucky I am."

* * *

"How long does this take?" Andrew mumbled later that day as he and Jim occupied two chairs near the fitting room of the dress store Johanna and Gabby had chosen.

Jim gave a short laugh. "We haven't been here that long; she's only tried on two dresses so far."

"How many does it take?"

"You have to figure on at least five to ten," he answered as he folded Johanna's jacket and laid it over the arm of the chair.

Andrew smirked at him. "I never thought I'd see the day that my big brother sat around with his wife's purse and jacket in the chair with him while she shopped."

"It's not the first time that I've guarded her purse outside a dressing room," Jim replied; "And besides; out of the two of us, I'm the one with a wife, so clearly I'm the better man here."

His brother gave a nod. "Yeah; you're the purse holding kind of husband," he teased.

"I'm not holding it! It's sitting next to me…in fact, some of it is pressing against you so really, people might think you're holding it."

Andrew shook his head. "I'm not a purse holder…you are."

Jim glanced down at Johanna's purse sitting next to him in his chair and then he glanced across the store where she and Gabby were happily chatting about dresses. "For over a decade, I would've given anything to just sit and guard her purse while she shopped," he said quietly. "I would've been happy to do it just for the sake of being in the same room with her…now she's home and I'll gladly hold her purse out side of every dressing room she finds as long as it means she's going home with me."

"I know," Andrew said sincerely as he met his eye. "You know I just have to give you the business because you're my brother."

"I know," he laughed; "And there were times along the way when I wasn't so thrilled to be handed her purse…but you know…you tend to look at things like that differently when something happens."

"I get it; I really do…but I can't promise I won't ever call you a purse holder," his brother quipped, understanding on his face even as amusement gleamed in his eyes.

"I wouldn't expect anything less of you."

Andrew blew out a breath. "Why do women have to make shopping so complicated?"

"That's one of those life's mystery questions that can't be answered," Jim replied. "You just have to learn to live with it…you were married once, you'd think you'd be used to it."

His brother scoffed. "I feel like I was married for about ten minutes."

"Really? It felt like ten years to the rest of us…what did it come out to in reality? I keep forgetting."

Andrew thought for a moment. "About fifteen months, give or take a few days…when I got my final divorce papers; I swear I could hear Mom saying 'you wheeled me out of a nursing home to your makeshift wedding to end up divorced a year later…I told you she was no good'."

Jim nodded. "That sounds like Mom…there's no reason to believe that the great beyond would change her or her opinions…although I kind of agreed with her on that one; no offense."

"None taken; it was my fault…I knew Mom was dying and there I was with no family of my own…and I didn't want to think about having to get married one day without her there, so I asked Tori, knowing it probably wasn't the best idea but figuring it would work out in the end. I was wrong."

"At least something good came from it though; you got Gabby."

"Yeah," Andrew smiled; "I got my girl…you know what's terrible though?"

"What?"

"Until Jo mentioned it last night, I never really realized that Gabby does have some of Mom's features. Did you notice before?"

"Yeah; I've noticed the last couple years as her face has started to mature," Jim replied.

"What does it mean that I didn't?"

"It means that you look at her every day and don't think about who she looks like; she's just yours and you love her."

"Yeah; but shouldn't I have noticed before now?"

"Maybe you have and you just didn't want to think about it," Jim stated. "Losing Mom hit us all harder than we imagined…especially you; and so maybe some part of you has noticed but pushed it aside because it hurt to think about it and no one ever mentioned it. You must not show Gabby many pictures of her grandmother if she has to ask if it's a bad thing that she looks like her. Mom didn't have the sunniest of dispositions but she was a beautiful woman."

"She was," Andrew agreed; "And I guess I haven't shown her a lot of pictures…I know we all got copies of all the pictures Mom had in the albums but I haven't really let her dig through those yet."

"Well maybe you should; Gabby can't get to know her in person but she can know her through all of us and pictures and I know we have videotapes of family events Mom is on so she can hear her voice and see her…she needs to know her grandparents in whatever way they can be given to her. I think she's old enough to appreciate those things now."

"You're right; I should talk more about Mom and Dad with her so she knows more about them…where we came from and why we're screwed up."

Jim laughed. "In your case, you were born that way."

"I was going to tell her that about you."

He shook his head. "She won't believe you; I'm her favorite uncle."

"You do have Michael beat…and William was never in the contest…and Tori's brother acts like she doesn't exist…so yeah, you're probably the favorite."

"I would be the favorite even if I had better competition…I never forget her birthday."

"Yeah; don't you think fifty bucks in a card is a little extravagant?"

"No; she's my niece, I love her. You'll think that's tame after Johanna gets started…she said earlier if Gabby saw things she wanted outside of the dance apparel, she was going to buy them for her as belated birthday gifts…she'll walk out of here with bags full, you watch."

"Jo does enjoy spoiling the ones she loves."

"She does," Jim said with a nod. "Gabby will probably be more receptive than Katie at the moment…so…if you could just let her have some fun with that, I'd appreciate it."

"I would never stand in an aunt's way of spoiling her niece in the name of a birthday," Andrew declared. "Besides; that's your credit card she'll be using, not mine."

He laughed. "I can afford to indulge her need to spoil our niece to make up for lost time."

"Gabby really likes her; she talked about her all the way home last night, about how nice she is and how she couldn't wait to shop with her today. That's something she hasn't said about her few shopping trips with Madelyn…of course you know Maddy; she says she'll do something and then she makes it torture. I think Gabby's starting to not be so fond of her and I can't say I blame her."

"Madelyn is a pain in the ass. She's worse than Mom ever was. I have no doubt that Gabby will like shopping with Johanna better than her experience with Maddy. She looks like she's enjoying herself," Jim said, noting the smile on Gabby's face as she talked to Johanna about something.

"That's the truth…and she does look a lot happier shopping with Jo than she ever has with Maddy…and Natalie never would take her shopping; you know, she sometimes acts like it would kill her to do something."

"Oh I know," he replied; "But Johanna would be happy to do these shopping trip things with Gabby; she likes it."

"I can tell," Andrew said with a smile. "Jo looks happy today."

"Today is the happiest Johanna's been since the weekend."

"That's probably because you got her out of the city for awhile," his brother remarked. "You said you two came out here this morning…I'd say it's taken some pressure off of her."

"That's true; needing to pick up those files just fell into my lap this morning and it felt like a good opportunity, especially since we were supposed to come out here anyway."

"Must've been fate."

"Maybe so; whatever it was; I'm glad for it. We've been having a good time."

Andrew gave a nod. "I'm just glad she and Gabby have hit it off so well."

"I didn't doubt for a minute that they would; Johanna's always enjoyed being an aunt."

"Gabby's ready for a change of pace in the aunt department."

"She's got one now. I was a little surprised that Jo was ready for another shopping trip considering last weekend's disaster with Katie."

"What happened with that?" Andrew asked. "You didn't give me many details."

"You know that Katie released a statement to the media…"

"Yeah; I read it online."

"Well, when she told us she was going to be doing that, she brought up to Jo that she was going to want her to go shopping with her to help her pick out a dress to wear to Rick's book party. Jo had her suspicions right off the bat that this wasn't just an 'I want to spend time with my mother' outing but she agreed to it and hoped that it would just turn out to be a relaxing, fun, mother-daughter day."

"And it didn't?" Andrew asked.

"Hell no," he replied before explaining to his brother about how Katie and Rick had Martha tip off the media about their whereabouts. He told him about how Kate had ordered her mother around all day and then demanded that she go to the book party with her, pulling the guilt card with her 'you owe me' speech. He explained how the feud over the color of Johanna's dress was still raging and that his wife had been avoiding their daughter's calls all day because she had sent her a message suggesting that she might be backing out of going to the party.

"Damn," his brother said. 'Why would Katie set her up like that and bring the media down on them? It would've been easier and less invasive if they had just had someone they knew snap a picture of them out and about and send it to some news outlet anonymously…at least then the media wouldn't have been chasing them from store to store."

"That would've been a good idea," Jim remarked. "It would've made for a more peaceful day. Jo has made a good point too, that doing this little outing on the heels of Katie's statement where she talks about them not being seen together, makes it look staged."

"It does," he agreed; "Because it is staged…there were other ways it could've been done."

"Jo's been telling her that dragging her to this book party will look staged too."

"Well of course it will; it looks like Katie is trying to prove her statement true…and if those two have been fighting all week; all she's going to end up doing is making the rumors of estrangement true."

"Yeah…but she's hardheaded; she doesn't want to listen. She seems to have it in her head that her parents are stupid and Rick and Martha are the only ones who know anything; their word and advice is gold and we're just miserable, uncooperative people."

"Of course she's going to go against the two of you; you're her parents."

"I know…but she doesn't realize what she does to her mother."

"It does sound like the weekend was harsh and that it's continued…I just hope Jo's been fighting back a little."

"She has in some ways…but not like she would've in the past. She gets afraid of making her too angry but I told her, she's going to have to come out swinging one day."

"That's true…if she lets it build up too much…then the world is going to hear that explosion when it boils over," Andrew said with a laugh.

"Yeah; that's what I'm afraid of," Jim said, a smile tugging at his lips. "I just hope it doesn't happen out in public during one of Katie's little sting operations."

"Now that would be a headline; "Detective gets her ass kicked by her mommy; footage at eleven"."

Jim laughed. "We'd probably have to leave the state."

"I know a nice resort in Colorado if that should happen."

"Jo would want somewhere warm."

"Florida," Andrew replied; "I've got a whole list of places in Florida."

"Keep that list handy," Jim remarked.

"I will; and what's the big deal about the dress Jo bought for the party?"

"It's red," he answered.

Andrew's brow furrowed with puzzlement. "What's wrong with that? I've seen Jo in red; she's smoking hot in red…and I mean that in a purely, she's my sister-in-law and off limits way, just in case you need reminded."

Jim laughed. "I know you'd never make a real play for my wife; and you're right about her in red."

"So there should be no issue…I mean seriously; what's wrong with it? Katie's afraid someone will think her mother is sexy? Because when you've got it you go it, you can't turn that off no matter what color you wear…believe me I know; it's a cross I have to bear every day."

"You conceited ass," Jim laughed.

Andrew laughed with him. "Okay, maybe Jo has more of a problem with being hot than I do; but is that the issue?"

"Katie says that red sends a message."

"What message? The smoking hot one?"

"No; apparently in her mind and in the minds of her little groupies; red seems to mean go fuck yourself."

Andrew nodded. "It's news to me that red means that but if it does, then I'd still say she picked the right color; I'd say she's earned the right to subtly tell people to fuck off."

"Katie and Martha don't see it that way; can you believe she actually has her boyfriend's mother on her bandwagon about this?"

"Katie's playing with fire," Andrew remarked. "She better slow down and think about what she's doing. What's gotten into her?"

"I wish I knew. I thought things were going to be alright between her and Jo…they did a lot of work over the summer; they were back on track by the time Jo got to move home with me; but it was like once they weren't under the same roof…and I guess Katie was no longer obligated; then she kind of backtracked. It seems like she only wants her mother when she needs something or when she wants to trot her out for a photo op. They've been arguing on and off for weeks…and now the holidays are coming and I have a feeling Johanna's going to end up disappointed in regard to our daughter when it comes to family holiday dinners."

"That's going to be hard for her to take."

"Yeah; it is," he agreed. "I have this feeling that it's going to be a long winter with the way things are with Katie and the media, the trial will be starting up somewhere in the midst of everything...it's going to be a long winter."

"Hang in there," Andrew told him; "And when you can; just whisk her away for a few days so both of you can relax."

"That's what I plan on."

"Dad," Gabby said as she hurried toward them. "Hold my purse while I try on these dresses, please."

Jim burst into laughter as his niece dropped her small purse onto her father's lap before taking the dresses Johanna was carrying and heading for the dressing room. "Purse holder," he stated.

"This is all your fault," Andrew stated.

"What are you boys doing?" Johanna asked as she moved to her husband's side.

"Oh just watching my little brother get some comeuppance," Jim replied. "He's a purse holder now."

Johanna smiled, her fingers brushing through his hair at his temple. "Has your brother been picking on you for sitting with my purse?"

"Yes; but I'm man enough to sit with your purse and not be ashamed," he replied.

"That's right," she said, brushing a kiss against his forehead; "And it's very attractive."

"I know; that's why I have a woman and Andrew doesn't."

His brother scoffed. "Hey, I can get a woman in ten minutes."

"I meant a real woman; not one that charges by the hour," Jim quipped.

Andrew smirked at him. "Shut up and hold your wife's purse."

Johanna pressed a kiss against her husband's temple. "Don't worry, honey," she said, her tone, low and loving; "I'll thank you later for taking care of my purse."

"Oh please," Andrew said in mock disgust.

"You can say please all you want," Jim remarked; "But you're not allowed to hold her purse…I know you're jealous now that you realize that I'll be 'thanked' later and you'll have nothing but a credit card bill but it's just something you'll have to learn to live with, little brother."

His brother laughed. "You just have to gloat don't you?"

"I wouldn't have if you hadn't been an ass."

"A likely story," Andrew scoffed.

"Alright boys, that's enough," Johanna said lightly.

"How's this one?" Gabby asked as she stepped out of the dressing room in an icy blue dress.

"I don't like it," her father declared; "Too form fitting."

"Dresses aren't supposed to be baggy," Jim stated.

"Little girls dresses should be," his brother retorted.

"I'm not a little girl!" Gabby declared.

"You're right," Johanna said; "You're not a little girl; you're a young lady now. How do you feel about that dress?"

Gabby shrugged. "I like the color but I don't think the dress looks right on me."

"It's not the right dress for you," Johanna told her. "You have beautiful fair skin and that icy blue makes you look a little washed out, honey. Now if it was a shirt that you could pair with dark colored pants, it would have balance and you'd be fine; but there's nothing to balance with the dress; do you understand?"

"Yeah, I get it," Gabby replied. "I need something darker maybe?"

"Yes; you need a warmer color; so go back in and try on the green, the purple and the darker blue."

"Okay," Gabby said as she headed back to the dressing room.

"Hey," Andrew said in a hushed voice. "Should you be telling her that certain colors don't look good on her?"

Johanna glanced at him. "Every girl should know how to pick a dress that will flatter her complexion. My mother always told me what colors didn't suit me; I never shied away from telling Katie and it didn't hurt her confidence. Gabby's a beautiful, smart girl; I explained to her why the color didn't work for her and that it would be fine on her as a top paired with a darker color. No harm done. She's growing up; she has to know these things."

"Okay; I just don't want her to have body image issues."

"A color that flatters your complexion isn't a body image issue; it's merely saying that this color looks better against my skin than the other one…like I don't wear yellow. It's not my color. On the topic of body image issues though; as a teenager, that will happen on its own."

"Why?"

"Because that seems to be a woman's lot in life," Johanna replied. "That's why you should let her build up her confidence by allowing her to buy the clothes she likes and feels comfortable in as long as they're appropriate. Let her be thirteen, Andrew."

"She's right," Jim said; "The tighter you hold on, the more she'll want to pull away."

Andrew sighed deeply. "My life feels so much more complicated lately."

"Here's the green one, Aunt Jo," Gabby said as she stepped out of the dressing room.

She smiled, not only at the fact that her niece had easily fallen into calling her Aunt Jo, but because she looked pretty in the dark green dress. "Now that's a better color; it warms up your complexion a little. How do you like it?"

"I like the color but I don't like the dress on me as much as I liked it on the hanger…if that makes sense."

"Makes perfect sense," Johanna told her. "I've had that happen to me many times. Go try on the next one."

"Can I try on that black one over there?" Gabby asked, pointing to a black dress adorned with silver sparkles through the material.

"No black!" Andrew exclaimed. "No thirteen year old of mine is going to be running around in a little black dress. No. Absolutely no black dress; that's a line I'm drawing here and now."

"Why?" Gabby asked. "It's just a dress."

"People have expectations about black dresses," her father explained.

"What expectations?"

"Expectations that you're not getting anywhere near," he told her.

Gabby looked to Johanna. "Aunt Jo?"

"I don't agree with your father; considering that my thirteen year old daughter wore a black dress with a little pattern of pink flowers on it to a school dance; but I think we better ease him into this and stay away from that dress color for now so he doesn't have a stroke."

"Okay," she replied. "I'll try on the dark blue next."

"Saving the purple for last?"

"Yeah," she said with a shy, hopeful smile. "It's my favorite…I love purple."

"Why don't you get a nice pink dress?" Andrew asked.

"Pink is too baby-ish," Gabby replied.

"You're not all that grown!"

"Jim," Johanna said as she got her husband's eye.

"I'm on it, sweetheart," he replied before looking to his brother. "Andrew; stop it. Go on Gabby; try on the next one."

"This could take all night," Andrew muttered as his daughter disappeared back into the dressing room.

"It will not," Johanna replied. "Be patient; a girl's first dance is very important."

"Why? I went to dances, it wasn't a big deal."

"That's because you're a guy and there's only two things important to teenage boys."

"What's that?"

"Cars and sex," she said quietly so only her husband and brother-in-law would hear.

"Don't say that!" Andrew exclaimed.

"Why not?" she laughed.

"Because!"

"You know she's not wrong," Jim laughed. "It's what I was thinking about."

"And you still do," Johanna quipped.

"That's right," he said, giving her a wink. "I plan on discussing it thoroughly with you later tonight."

"I'm looking forward to that," she said with a grin as she leaned down to press a loving kiss against his temple.

"Get a room," Andrew stated.

"We got one," Jim replied; "A very nice one with a view of New York's skyline."

"Oh really?" his brother remarked.

"Yes," Johanna said; her gaze loving as she held her husband's eye. "We're splurging on a spontaneous date day."

Andrew groaned. "If you two keep looking at each other like that, you're going to set off the sprinklers and I don't want to have to explain that to my kid."

"Explain what?" Gabby asked as she appeared in her next dress.

"That your father was the kind of boy he doesn't want you to be around," Jim replied.

"Oh," Gabby said; "No problem."

Johanna tried to suppress a smile as her brother-in-law's eyes widened. "What do you mean 'no problem'?"

"I don't know any boys like you."

"Good; keep it that way."

"That's a pretty dress," Johanna said; "How do you like that one?"

"I like it," her niece replied; "But…"

"But you really want the purple one to work out."

"Yeah."

"Then go try it on."

Gabby went back into the dressing room and Johanna moved closer to Andrew. "This purple dress is the one she really wants," she whispered; "Don't ruin it for her."

"I'll do my best."

A few minutes later, Gabby stepped out of the dressing room in the purple dress she had picked, a bright smile on her lips. "What do you think?" she asked Johanna; excitement in her tone.

"I think that's your dress, honey," Johanna answered with a smile as she approached her. "You look beautiful."

"You think so? It looks okay?"

"It looks perfect."

"I see bra straps," Andrew stated; "No bra straps; dress code is on my side on this one."

Gabby's face fell and Johanna wrapped an arm around her in comfort. "That's an easy fix, Andrew," she stated. "She just needs a strapless bra; problem solved."

"Surely you've heard of those," Jim teased; "If you never came across one, you didn't get around as much as you claimed."

"I did too! But…I don't think they sell those for young girls."

"They do," Johanna stated. "Don't worry, Gabby; we'll find you the right bra to wear under this so there are no dress code violations."

"They don't have to go with us for that part of the shopping, do they?" her niece asked.

"No; honey; we'll go that one alone. They can wait on a bench outside of the store."

"Good," the girl breathed, a smile returning to her lips as she looked in the mirror.

"I think we should put your hair up for the dance," Johanna said as she gathered up Gabby's chestnut colored locks. "What do you think?"

"I like it."

"And we'll look at the jewelry in here and get you a little necklace and earrings…are your ears pierced?"

"Yeah; my Grandma in Maine let me get them done a few years ago."

"Then we'll definitely get earrings too; and you need a purse and shoes, so we're not done in here yet."

"Oh God," Andrew groaned.

"Take it like a man," Jim told him.

"I am."

"That's questionable at the moment," his brother remarked.

"We'll get that cute little leather jacket you liked too," Johanna told her; "It'll be a gift from me; you can wear it over your dress to the dance, it'll keep you warm and give you a little edge like that picture you showed me on your phone."

"Really?"

"Yes; I'll get it for you."

Gabby smiled. "I'm so excited and it seems silly."

"There's nothing silly about it; enjoy that feeling. How do you feel in your dress?"

A look of shyness stole across the girl's features. "I feel…pretty," she breathed.

Johanna hugged her. "That's because you are pretty."

"See," Jim said, giving his brother a smack against his shoulder. "She feels pretty…this is the moment where you reinforce that."

Andrew conjured up a smile. "You look beautiful, sweetie."

Gabby beamed at him. "I can have this dress, Dad?"

He nodded, although it was hard for him to do so. "Yeah; you can have it…and whatever else that goes with it. You girls go get what's required, my credit card is prepared for the pain."

"Can I get a perfume at Bath and Body Works?" Gabby asked.

"You got stuff from there!"

"Yeah; but I want something different to wear to the dance."

"We'll get you a special scent for the dance," Johanna said; "Birthday gift from me."

"Oh good," Andrew stated; "Uncle Jim's credit card can hurt too. I feel better now."

"Don't pay any attention to him," Johanna told Gabby; "Let's shop."

* * *

Later that evening, there were was a pile of shopping bags beside their table in the food court, some Johanna's and the rest were Gabby's…much to his brother's chagrin, Jim thought to himself. For the moment, he was alone with his niece as his wife and his brother had gone off to refill their drinks. "Did you get everything you needed for your dance, Gabby?" he asked.

"Yeah," she said with a smile as she picked up a nacho; "Plus some extra things that Aunt Jo said are for my birthday."

Jim smiled; Johanna had made up for missing the girl's birthday, not that Gabby would've asked her to but he could that the gifts had made his niece happy and it had made his wife happy to do it. "What do you think of your Aunt Jo?"

Gabby's smiled widened. "I really like her," she said happily. "She's really nice and fun…and while we shopped we talked about girl stuff…and she doesn't treat me like a little girl. I think she likes me."

"She loves you," he assured her. "There was never any doubt in my mind that she would."

"I'm glad she likes me," his niece said shyly. "I'm glad I got to go shopping with her too; it's way better than shopping with Aunt Maddy."

"I don't doubt that," Jim replied. "Johanna likes shopping; she'll always be happy to help you."

"She said I can come over Friday and she'll help me get ready for the dance. Is that okay?"

"Of course it is," he laughed. "You don't want your dad helping you."

"Definitely not," Gabby giggled. "Aunt Jo is going to do my hair and paint my nails…and she said I can wear some lip gloss but don't tell Dad; we're not going to tell him yet."

"You're secret is safe with me," he replied; "I know Johanna will enjoy helping you get ready."

"She gave me her phone number so I can send her pictures of the dance."

"I'm glad you two have become fast friends."

"Me too," Gabby remarked; "I'm glad she came home."

"Me too," Jim stated.

The girl nodded. "I know; you're happier now."

"I am," he agreed. "And I'm glad you're happy with your aunt."

"She's a lot nicer than my other aunts…she's nice to talk to…maybe I could stay at your house sometime when Dad has to go out of town for work…instead of staying with Aunt Maddy."

"You can do that," he told her.

"Do what?" Johanna asked as she and Andrew returned to the table.

"Gabby would like to stay with us sometime when Andrew has to work out of town," Jim answered.

"That would be nice," Johanna said as she settled down in her chair next to Jim. "We'd love to have you stay sometime."

"What about me?" Andrew asked, a teasing note in his voice. "Can I stay?"

"No," Jim laughed; "We've heard too many rumors about you."

"They're all lies made up by my brothers."

"Are you sure about that?" Johanna asked.

"Yes; they hate me for being the best looking of the lot."

Jim scoffed. "Only according to your mirror."

"Hey, I know I'm good looking. I have a cute kid," Andrew said, pointing at Gabby. "If I was ugly, she wouldn't be cute."

"I've got a cute kid too," Jim declared.

"Yeah; but Katie looks like her mother."

"So what? Gabby looks like her grandmother; she doesn't look like you."

"No; but her grandmother is my mother so that cuteness comes from my genes," Andrew stated.

"Katie has Beckett traits," Johanna remarked. "She has Elizabeth's hair color. She's got the Beckett height. Her face is shaped like Jim's; she has some of his expressions."

"I don't think that's enough proof," Andrew quipped. "I still win."

"You do not," his brother stated.

"That's enough boys," Johanna stated; "You're both handsome, you're both successful, you both produced beautiful daughters. Call it even."

"Only on one condition," Andrew declared.

"What?"

"Are we both better looking that Michael and William?"

"Yes," she said with a nod as Gabby laughed.

"Okay, I can live with that."

"Good, you live with it," Jim said as he patted Johanna's thigh. "I know the real truth."

Johanna smiled at him. "You're supposed to indulge your little brother and pretend to be even."

"There's no fun in that," he replied, his hand still upon her leg.

Andrew shook his head, an amused smirk on his lips. "Is the shopping done for tonight?"

"Yeah; we got everything," Johanna replied; "Don't forget that you're going to bring her over Friday so I can help her get ready."

"Believe me, Jo," Andrew said; "I won't be able to forget even if I wanted to; she won't let me."

"She's a smart girl."

"She is," he agreed; "But I think we better be heading back once you finish your food, kiddo."

"Already?" Gabby sighed as she picked up one of her remaining nachos.

"Yes; it's a school night…and besides; I think your aunt and uncle are on some sort of second honeymoon; I don't want you scarred for life by their lovey dovey nature."

Gabby smirked at him. "At least they like each other; my friend Amy's parents hate each other."

"Yeah; everyone knows all about Amy's parents," Andrew remarked. "Be glad you're not a divorce lawyer, Jim; those two would drive you into giving up the law completely."

"Wouldn't be the first client to tempt me."

"These people are worse, trust me," his brother remarked as his daughter picked up her last nacho. "You and Jo divide up your shopping bags so we don't take any of hers by mistake and then we're going to head back."

"Alright," Gabby said with a sigh; "It was fun though."

"We'll go shopping again," Johanna promised her. "I had fun too."

Jim smiled as he watched Johanna and Gabby chat while they divided up the bags; at least she had a better shopping experience with their niece than she had with their daughter.

* * *

After saying goodbye to Andrew and Gabby in the parking lot, Jim and Johanna made their way to their own car. "So what do you want to do now?" Jim asked. "Do you want to go to a movie?"

"No," Johanna answered. "I want ice cream."

"Ice cream?"

"Yes…remember, we got ice cream before you took me home on our first date. I always liked when we'd get ice cream at the end of the evening."

"This evening isn't over," he quipped.

"No; but the being out and about part is drawing to a close," she replied. "Ice cream is always a nice treat…and it always reminds me of our first date. You do remember, don't you?"

"Of course I do; it was after the Eagles concert…and really we should probably classify it as our first official date; because we were kind of dating all along and didn't realize it," Jim said with a laugh.

"You're right…so what was our first unofficial date?" Johanna asked. "Was it that one law firm gala; not the anniversary gala but the one they had in late January that one year…I think it was to celebrate a certain milestone amount of cases being won."

"You might have to give me more information on that one; it's not coming to me."

"The one where I ended up going with you because you told Jackie I was going with you so she wouldn't ask you...you met my mother for the first time when you picked me up because she was staying with me."

"Oh; now I remember…I guess that could've been the first one if we count out business dinners, casual lunches and group outings."

"I'm pretty sure we can exclude those things from the date pile. Maybe we don't know."

He gave her hand a squeeze. "We'll say the first unofficial date was either our very first meal together, which was business for the first twenty minutes, or it was the gala; and our first official was definitely the concert."

"Sounds good," she replied. "At least we're sure about the official one."

"Right; and you really want ice cream?" he asked as they reached the passenger side of the car. He did a quick scan of the inside of the car and then unlocked the door as she leaned against the car.

"Yeah; I'm sure…we've been on an all day date; you should take me out for ice cream for old time's sake."

Jim gave her a smile. "And then what?"

A coy smile touched her lips as her hand slid against his chest. "And then I think we should go settle in at our very nice hotel room for the evening so that we can move on to the next part of our spontaneous date event," she told him, a seductive note in her tone.

"You do have a new nightgown to change into," he replied warmly.

"Yes, I do…my husband picked it just for me."

"So you want ice cream and then you want to go to our room and put on your new nightgown…do you have any other plans for that next phase of our event?"

Johanna leaned close, her lips brushing his ear as she whispered in it.

Jim smiled, his hands circling her waist as he took in the soft murmur of his words. "Are you sure we need to get ice cream first?" he asked when she finished; "Because we could always order some from room service later."

She shook her head. "No; it'll be cheaper to get ice cream while we're out."

"It might be cheaper financially but sanity is a whole other story."

Johanna laughed as she kissed him. "I don't think it's your sanity that you're worried about."

"Don't be too sure," he remarked as he wrapped his arms around her, his mouth catching hers in another kiss. "You have been known to drive me crazy at times…in good ways of course."

"I think you'll survive."

"Are you sure?" he asked between kisses.

"Mhmm…but if we stand here debating it all night, we'll never get what we want," she whispered lightly.

"You're playing games, sweetheart," Jim teased.

"Yes," she replied sassily as she reached for the car door handle; "But in my games, we both always win in the end, don't we?"

He smiled. "Yes; that's always true."

"Then let's go…the night is still young and we have soo much to do."

"You're getting the smallest helping of ice cream that they serve," Jim remarked.

"Don't get impatient," Johanna told him, amusement in her voice. "It always prolongs your wait."

"Maybe so…but it's always worth it in the end," he replied as he leaned into the car and kissed her before closing her door and hurrying around the car to the driver's side.

* * *

"Maybe we should come to New Jersey more often," Jim murmured later that night, his voice husky but carrying notes of lightness as he dragged his lips across her collarbone and neck in a series of sensual kisses.

"You think so?" Johanna said softly, her fingers threading through his hair.

"I do," he answered; "It was incredible …even more than usual, don't you think?"

"It was," she agreed, her tone low and loving, her eyes fluttering shut as his hand skimmed against her bare hip. "There always has been something about us and hotel rooms."

Her husband laughed against her skin. "That's true…we've lived up to tradition."

A grin touched her lips. "I don't know; I think we might've surpassed it."

"I had that thought myself but I thought you might accuse me of being smug," he teased, his fingertips tickling her side, making her squirm as she laughed.

"I'll allow a small show of smugness," she remarked as she captured his hand; "Since we're in agreement that it's extremely possible we surpassed other hotel experiences; although I think we should claim our honeymoon as an exception to that."

"Absolutely. I think we might have lived up to the memories of a few special lunch breaks as well," he said, pressing a kiss against her shoulder.

She laughed softly. "Those were good times."

"They were…I'm glad we still have those kind of good times," he remarked lightly before catching her lips in a kiss. He was a lucky man, he thought to himself; he had heard some of his friends and colleagues complaining that their wives weren't as interested in this segment of life anymore…but his wife was still as interested as she always had been and he couldn't help but be thankful and grateful.

Her fingernails gently scraped along his back. "I'm glad too…but especially glad for tonight," she murmured, drawing him back for another kiss.

"Why is that?" he asked as he looked into her eyes.

Johanna shrugged a little. "I don't know exactly…I just think I needed this…this whole day with you, getting away but not too far away…just being us. I didn't feel like I needed to look over my shoulder all day. I haven't worried about what's going on over there," she said, flicking her wrist toward the window where the lights of New York's skyline glittered in the distance. "I just got to be with you and we had fun; and we had a nice time with Andrew and Gabby…and then we came here and everything has been just right…just like it always was; do you know what I mean?"

"Yeah; I know what you mean," he assured. There hadn't been so many charged emotions behind things today, he thought to himself…they were just them, the them they always had been, even with that little bump earlier in the day. They had both relaxed; they had shoved away worries and fears and just allowed everything to be as it was.

"It was good…it's still good, considering that we still have a lot of night left," she said with a grin.

Jim captured her lips in a kiss. "We can always come back," he told her. "When things start feeling like it's too much; and you need to get away from the pressure; you just say the word and we'll come back here. It's not far from home; but maybe distant enough to give you some peace."

"Only if you're with me," Johanna murmured.

"You don't have to worry about that…remember, Bonnie can't run away without Clyde," he said with a laugh.

She laughed with him. "That's right; I'm glad we've kept the same getaway names over the years; it's like homage to our road trip."

"Exactly," he said before kissing her once more. "Just so you know; I'm glad we had today too…I wasn't sure you'd want to come; but I figured I could convince you if you tried to resist."

"I'm always happy to run away with you, honey," she whispered lovingly, drawing him back for more kisses.

Johanna's phone rang on the nightstand, breaking the spell they had rapidly been falling back under. Jim groaned, his head falling against her shoulder. "Don't answer it; it'll ruin your mood."

"I have to answer it," Johanna replied. "We didn't tell her we were spending the night here."

He shook his head. "Don't answer it; she'll suck all the happiness out of this room…and as you mentioned earlier today; we paid a lot of money to be this happy right now."

Johanna laughed as she caressed his face, making his heart quicken as he dipped his head and kissed her. Her fingers toyed with the hair at the nape of his neck. "I won't let anything ruin our happiness tonight."

He smiled. "It stopped ringing."

Before she could speak; his phone rang on the opposite nightstand. "She's calling you now."

"I don't hear anything," he remarked.

"Yes, you do," she laughed; "You heard mine, you hear yours."

"No, actually I don't…the explosive events that have occurred in this room tonight have given me temporary selective hearing loss," Jim replied. "I don't hear the phone at all."

"Wow; that's a new one," she giggled.

"I live to please you in all ways, sweetheart; let's get back to one of our favorite ways."

They managed one searing kiss before Johanna's phone rang again. "Honey…"

"No."

"I have to…just for the sake of making her not call anymore tonight," she said as she gently pushed against his chest.

He reluctantly released her, allowing her to roll onto her side so that she could grab her phone. "I need to invent some way to keep outside interference at bay," he muttered.

She couldn't help but laugh at the sentiment and his tone as she answered her phone. "What, Katie?"

"What do you mean what?" her daughter asked. "You were supposed to let me know that you had gotten back alright….what's your excuse this time?"

"The explanation is very simple," Johanna replied lightly. "We're not back yet."

Kate was quiet for a moment. "Why not?"

"We decided to spend the night."

"Why?"

"Because we're spontaneous," she said with a laugh as her husband's hand glided across her stomach.

"Have you been drinking?" Kate asked.

"No, I haven't been drinking! Why would you ask that?"

"You just sound entirely too happy."

"Why shouldn't I be happy? I'm with my husband, we had a very nice day together and we splurged on a very expensive hotel room with an impressive view of our home city just across the river," she told her; doing her best to ignore the fact that her husband was pressing kisses against her shoulder once again. "There's nothing not to be happy about at this moment."

"Are you trying to punish me for some reason?" Kate asked.

Johanna laughed. "Since when is my happiness a punishment for you?"

"That's not what I meant…I was referring to the apparent need you have to make me worry today."

"Sweetheart; you need to relax," she told her, another soft laugh escaping her lips as her husband's fingertips skimmed against a ticklish spot.

"Really?" her daughter stated; "You think it's funny that I worry."

"No; I wasn't laughing at you," she said as she tried to squirm away from her husband but he muffled a laugh against her shoulder as his fingertips slipped away from the ticklish spot.

"Seems like it."

"I'm not," Johanna replied. "But you do need to relax…you know, like you always tell me."

"You're more uptight than me."

"Not tonight," she chuckled. "But I'm sorry we worried you; it wasn't done on purpose…we were just lost in the moments."

"If it wasn't purposeful; why did it take three back to back phone calls to get you to answer the phone?"

"Katie, I don't want to play detective and suspect with you tonight," she said lightly. "We're fine and we'll be home tomorrow. I'm sorry you worried; we'll do better next time. You go enjoy your evening now; everything is okay."

"I wanted to talk about your message you sent me this morning."

"Not now," she said, trying to keep her voice even as her husband gave his attention to her neck. "It's getting late."

"It's barely 9:30!" Kate exclaimed; "You're not going to sleep this early; you never have and you never will."

"I didn't say I was sleeping," Johanna said with a laugh before she could stop herself.

"Then we can talk for a little while."

"Katie," her mother stated; "Am I going to have to draw you a picture; because for someone as smart as you are, you don't seem to be getting it."

Jim laughed and a beat of silence lingered across the line. "Oh for God's sake," Kate exclaimed; "You need to get a damn hobby!"

"This is my hobby," she replied.

Her daughter huffed in disgust. "Well that explains why you're so happy tonight; I just didn't realize that leaving the state for hotel sex was your hobby."

"Leaving the state isn't a prerequisite…it just adds an extra dash of excitement."

"I don't want to hear it," Kate replied. "I so do not want to hear it."

"Then make this your last call of the evening," Johanna said lightly.

"Alright, Mother…but we are going to talk about your message."

"Yeah; you've told me…but not tonight. Tonight I get to be happy," she replied. "Just let me be happy."

"I don't make you happy?" Kate asked.

"Yes…but not when it comes to certain things; you know that. I love you…but I'm taking a break from this little battle we have raging right now. I'm happy and I'm not going to spoil it tonight. We'll have our discussion when the time is right. I'm going to go now, I'll let you know when we're home tomorrow, don't worry. Go relax and have a good night," Johanna stated.

"Fine," her daughter answered. "I'll talk to you tomorrow."

"Goodnight," she replied before ending the call and silencing her phone before putting it back on the nightstand. "How did I do?"

"I think you did well," Jim remarked as he pulled her back into his arms and kissed her; "And I'm glad to see that you don't look upset about any of it."

"I'm not," Johanna replied. "I told you…I'm not letting anything spoil our evening."

"I'm glad," he murmured, kissing her once more. "Let's go back to forgetting all about it and enjoy the rest of our night."

She smiled, her fingers trailing along the line of his chin. "Let's make it a long night."

"That's the plan, sweetheart...tonight we're happy and nothing else matters but you and I," he said softly as her fingers entwined with his.

* * *

The next morning, Jim and Johanna were lingering over breakfast in the hotel dining room. "You know, I'm not really big on eating breakfast at a restaurant," Johanna stated; "But this food is excellent."

"I agree; so is the coffee," Jim replied. "It's well worth the price…but I do remember a little diner that served breakfast that you liked."

She smiled. "The one by your apartment?"

"That's the one; remember, we'd go there on Saturday mornings sometimes?"

"Yeah…or sometimes you'd go get us a takeout order while I was in the shower…which is what you were doing when your mother barged in while I was getting dressed," Johanna remarked, amusement in her eyes.

Jim laughed. "That wasn't one of our best breakfast memories."

"No," she said with a grin; "But at least I can laugh about it now."

'True. I remember when you were pregnant, I had to go to that diner all the time to get you those hashbrowns you loved so you could have them for breakfast on the weekends; you could keep them down after a certain point in your morning sickness, where other things still made you sick."

"Yeah; that was strange, wasn't it?" Johanna replied. "I remember sometimes we'd get to work and you'd sneak back out and go get me hashbrowns and orange juice to have at my desk when we didn't have to be in court in the morning."

"I had to make sure you were taken care of," he said softly, his tone low as fondness shone in his eyes.

"You took very good care of me…and didn't get mad about going out on cravings errands…remember the chocolate cravings?"

"Yeah," Jim laughed. "I had to keep candy bars in stock…even Jeff had a stash in his desk in case the supplies were depleted."

She giggled. "I had that chocolate craving bad."

"Oh I know; the ice cream one too. I was always running out to that little store on the corner to buy you ice cream at nine o'clock at night."

"You know what was really bad?" Johanna asked.

"What?"

"When we moved and those stores and diners were further away," she laughed.

"That did suck," he said with a nod, a smile playing on his lips. "Some of that ice cream in those later months was taken from my mother's freezer when I didn't feel like making the drive."

"I know."

"You knew?"

"Honey; I was pregnant, not stupid…did you think I wouldn't notice that sometimes you were back faster than you should have been?" she asked, her eyes light and laughter in her voice.

"I guess I didn't think about that back then," he admitted. "I must not have been firing on all cylinders."

"You probably weren't, you had a lot on your mind back then," she replied. "You also should've figured that eventually your mother would mention it to me."

Jim met her eye. "I swore her to secrecy."

Johanna scoffed in amusement. "That didn't stop her, honey…she asked me what flavors to buy when she was making her grocery list one day."

"That explains why she suddenly had strawberry all the time," he replied; "But why didn't you tell me that you knew?"

"She swore me to secrecy…and was being somewhat nice to me so I didn't want to rock the boat…and you were always being so sweet about sudden cravings and mood swings…and you know, painting my toenails that one time; that I just couldn't tell you I knew."

Jim laughed. "I still can't believe you talked me into painting your toenails…and that one better stay a secret."

"I've kept it secret this long, I don't think you have to worry," she said with a grin. "And I only asked you to do it because I was unable due to your baby being in the way."

"Mine?" Jim said; "I don't want all the blame; you take your share of her."

"I always do," Johanna replied; "Those are good memories though."

"They are," he agreed.

"Remember how big the house looked when we first moved in?" she asked. "We didn't have enough furniture to fill it up."

"Yeah; our office had a card table for awhile."

"Mhmm; and the dining room only had Mom's old table and chairs…which is probably considered an antique now so I'm really glad we still have it…not just because it's old, but because it's the table I grew up at with her."

"I'm glad we have it too…just like I'm glad you filled the house with what it needed over the years and made it a home."

" _We_ made it a home," she replied.

Jim's hand found hers. "I give you most of the credit."

Johanna gave a soft shake of her head. "I give it to you…even if you did get a little uptight every time I bought something that first year," she told him, a smile tugging at her lips.

He laughed. "I was a little uptight about money that year; I apologize."

"No apologies needed."

"You know; it's been a long time since curtains and things have been changed in the house…I left it all the way you had it; but you're home now and if you want to change things like you always did, you can. I don't want you to think that you need to ask or that I'll get upset about it," Jim told her. "You can do what you always did; you know that right?"

"Yeah, I know; you've told me in little ways."

"Good…because if you need to make little changes like you always did when you were tired of looking at one thing or the other, do it…especially if it'll make you feel better, help us move on from the past."

"I do think about that," Johanna admitted. "I have things saved online…I've seen things in stores…I just…I'm not sure I'm ready yet. I've been adding little splashes of purple to the kitchen in small ways and that's all I seem to be able to let myself do right now."

"That's okay," he replied; "You don't have to do it right now; I just want you to know that when you are ready; it's okay with me…even if you want to buy new furniture at some point; we're probably due for something new."

Her fingers curled around his. "Maybe after the holidays I'll be ready to make some little changes…we do need some new curtains in the living room and kitchen; maybe I can start with things like that."

Jim nodded. "That sounds good…it might help, you know? I left everything the same because I couldn't bear to change it, it was you…and I needed you all around me; but you're home now…and maybe having everything the same keeps the wound open for you in a small way."

"It was comforting…it made home feel real when I got to see it for the first time but not everything is the same; the appliances have been replaced; except the washer and dryer."

"I replaced those things because I had to; not because I wanted to," he admitted.

"I figured that," she replied; "I kind of would like to have a new washer and dryer…we've had that set a long time and I can tell it's starting to show it's age."

"That's not a problem, sweetheart; we'll start looking around and when you see a set you like, we'll get it."

Johanna offered him a smile. "Baby steps, right?"

"Right," he replied. "There's nothing wrong with taking it slow."

"I love you."

"I love you too."

"I'm always glad when we go home," she remarked; "But I'm a little sad for our little spontaneous trip to come to an end…we had such a good time yesterday…and last night was even better."

"We'll come back, I promise," Jim replied. "Besides; we don't have to rush…we can wander around a little more before we head home. Would you like that?"

"Yes; I always like monopolizing you and having you all to myself."

He laughed. "I like that too…and remember; this is just the first spontaneous trip of many to come."

"I remember," she murmured, a warm smile on her lips. She couldn't wait for the next one.

* * *

That afternoon, Kate let herself in the backdoor of her parents home, finding her mother at the counter, arranging a dozen roses in a vase. "What are those, your thank you for last night flowers?" she asked as her mother's gaze collided with hers.

"Among other things," Johanna remarked, a slight smirk on her lips as she continued to tend to her flowers. "What are you doing here; shouldn't you be at work?"

"I'm on my break."

"Well if you came looking for more brownies, you're out of luck. I haven't baked anything today."

"I'm not looking for brownies; although they were delicious."

"I'm glad you enjoyed them…especially considering that I didn't make them for you."

"I enjoyed them a great deal," Kate replied; "So did Castle, Alexis, Martha, Ryan and Esposito."

"It's good to know that I didn't fail in teaching you how to share," Johanna replied as she moved to the sink to wash her hands.

"I thought you were going to let me know you got back from New Jersey."

"Your father texted you; I saw him do it," she remarked; "Clearly you knew we were here or you wouldn't have come over."

"I thought maybe I'd hear from you."

Johanna allowed the remark to pass without notice. "Are you hungry? Do you want me to make you some lunch?"

"No; I want to discuss your text from four in the morning yesterday…what were you doing up at four anyway?"

"I heard a noise; it was one of the neighbors. While I was awake, I figured I may as well go to the bathroom and then I needed my eyes to be sleepy again so I looked at my phone and texted you."

"And why did you think four in the morning was a good time to text me?"

"For the obvious reason that you would be asleep," Johanna replied.

Kate nodded. "I see."

"No; I don't think you do. Do you want some coffee?"

"No."

"Soda? Tea? Water? Juice?"

"No; I'm fine…I want to talk about your message and what you're trying to pull."

"I'm not trying to pull anything, Katie. I just don't think it's a good idea."

"You never think anything is a good idea lately."

"Well…I knew in my gut that our shopping trip wouldn't be the good thing I hoped it would be and I was right…so why go against my gut again and end up with another disaster?"

"It's not going to be a disaster, Mom. All you're going to do is get in the car, go to a party with me; allow a few pictures of us together, go inside, sit down and enjoy the party. That's all."

"It's never that simple," Johanna remarked; "And I do feel that I have legitimate points about going to this thing."

"No; they're just excuses for you to avoid doing something."

"Katie; I think I have the right to say I don't want to do something."

"You never want to do anything, just like Castle said," Kate stated. "You always want it your way."

"Funny; you want it all your way too. You've been hounding me for nearly a week so you can push your agenda. You're convinced that no one has a valid point outside of you and your boyfriend's family. Well I do have points, Katie. I'm not a stupid person; I am an intelligent person just as you are. All I want is for you to stop and listen to what I'm saying. I want you to think," Johanna told her.

"I already thought about it! We need to do this! We have to show the world that we're not estranged. We have to show them that we're not hiding or cowering out of guilt or fear or because we have something to hide."

"I don't have to prove anything to anyone," Johanna replied. "Wanting to resume my life as a private citizen doesn't mean I'm hiding or cowering."

"Yeah, it does…you want to hide in the deepest corner you can find and I don't understand it!" Kate exclaimed. "I don't understand how you were brave enough to sneak out of my apartment and go face Bracken…and then turn into what you are now," she said waving a hand at her. "You've turned into a woman who is afraid to walk into a book party."

"I'm not afraid," Johanna seethed; "And I'm not a coward! I went after him because I was desperate to end the hell we were living in! Desperate to keep you safe! That was something that had to be done and so I did it! Parading myself in front of the media so they can have what they want isn't something I feel like I need to do. I have nothing to prove to the media! My truth will be spoken in the courtroom. If we play this 'prove something to the media' game, that's all we're going to get done doing and people will think we're trying to make a name for ourselves. Do you ever think about that?"

"Yes, I do," Kate replied. "That's why I don't give interviews. I'm not asking you to join the hot topics table at The View. I'm saying, let them get some pictures so they'll shut up and leave me alone."

"They're not going to leave you alone because they get a picture, Katie. Didn't you learn that over the weekend? They got pictures of us together, it didn't make them go away; it brought them back to our doors. They got their pictures; they wrote their stories…it still wasn't enough. They camped outside for two days trying to get more; they followed you around, wanting more. If we go to this party with Rick; it's going to be even worse."

"You don't know that; and considering that you don't leave the house much, I don't know why you care if they're outside. All you have to do is lock the door."

"They annoy my neighbors! We're becoming the hated people of the neighborhood because of those vultures circling around here any time our name is in print or they get a glimpse of us. I worry about you. I worry about them chasing you while you're trying to work, distracting you and causing you to get hurt."

"That's not going to happen."

"You don't know that."

"Yes, I do; I'm careful. You don't know that something bad is going to happen just because of a picture."

"Neither do you; but why chance it? Do you know how much I worry about you being out there on the streets?" Johanna asked.

She rolled her eyes as she sighed. "Yes, Mother; I know; but I'm fine. Nothing bad is going to happen just because we show up at a party together and allow a few more pictures. Maybe if we look like we're going to be seen more, we'll become old news."

"You know as well as I do that we're not going to be old news until all of this is settled…and right now, going to some high profile event for a famous person isn't going to rush us into media retirement, Katie. It's just going to make them want more…and I'm not sure it's a good image to put forward."

"What does that mean?" she asked.

"It means, I'm not sure that going to some fancy party for a celebrity author is such a good idea. I'm thinking about potential jury members seeing us at that party and thinking 'rich bitches' just like Bracken and his brother want to label us as…among other things. I think we look better to the general public by maintaining our usual way of life."

"Everyone knows that we know Castle…that he works with me because I'm the inspiration for Nikki Heat."

"I know…but with everything going on; people might look at us through a sharper lens…and it's not just about me and you."

"Oh really?" Kate asked.

"Yes; for one thing, that party is for Rick. It's his night; is it right of us to hijack it so we can have our faces in the paper to appease the media?" Johanna asked.

"We're not hijacking his night…this was his idea; a good way for us to get exposure in a controlled area."

"Did either one of you consider what else is possibly being exposed?"

Kate's brow furrowed. "What?"

"You take great pains to keep your relationship with Rick under wraps and yet you seem to think that arriving with him to this party isn't going to bring more speculation…it is. They're going to look back and see that you've always gone to these parties on your own…and this time you're arriving with the man of the hour and his family. That makes a statement, Katie; a bigger statement than the color of my dress that you've been so up in arms about. The media isn't going to overlook that you arrived with him; they're not going to ignore it just because his mother and daughter get out of the car too. They're not going to ignore it because I'm with you. They're going to wonder and speculate…and eventually your Captain will too because she's not a stupid woman."

"I know she's not stupid; that's why we're careful."

"You need to think about this; I understand that you've always gone. I understand that you want to be there to support the man you love; I get that and I agree, you should be there if you want to go. But do you and Rick both a favor and arrive separately as you always have."

Kate shook her head. "I can't believe you; you're trying to turn this topic off of you and on to me."

"No, I'm trying to help you keep your partnership intact. I don't want you to have to stop working with Rick; I know how much it means to both of you. I'm just trying to make you listen to reason!"

Aggravation flicked across her daughter's face. "I'm arriving in the same car as him, not screwing him in the middle of the party, Mom. You want to act like you're so concerned about me and really the only thing you're concerned about is yourself and how you can get out of this."

"That's not true! I'm always concerned about you!"

"Yeah; it is true...you're so desperate to get out of going to a stupid party with me that you'd try to get into my head and make me doubt if I should even go myself! That's pretty low, Mom…that's pretty damn low."

"That's not what I was doing!" Johanna yelled. "I didn't tell you not to go, I said don't go in the same car as him. If you show up together, it's like you're admitting that you're dating. I'm trying to get through to you to protect yourself before you end up losing what really matters to you in your quest to go along with every move Rick thinks you should make with the media!"

"This conversation wasn't supposed to be about me and Rick; it was supposed to be about you!"

"And I gave you my reasons; I've given them to you a million times…but you don't care about my reasons or any semblance of logic. You'd rather push and demand and complain about the color of a dress."

Kate paced the room. "Well for the record; I still think you should consider another color of dress so you don't look like you're telling the world where to get off."

"Believe me, Katie; if I want to tell someone where to get off, I'll use my words, not a dress. I just wish you'd respect my feelings. I don't want to go to this party; I don't belong there, I think my presence there with you is only going to cause us more grief with the media and I don't want to put up with it. I just want to live my life quietly and be left alone. I don't need to prove myself to anyone…not even to you," Johanna remarked; her stomach churning as she allowed herself to say the words. "I have my rights."

"Yeah; and so do I," Kate retorted; "And I think I have the right to say that you should suck it up and do this one thing for me! You owe me and you know it! I'm trying to help us and you just want to be a big baby because you're too afraid to do anything to make things better. Well I'm not afraid and I suggest you get over your need to be coddled…that's Dad's fault. He coddles you and enables you to be the way you are and it's the last thing you need! You have fifty excuses for why you shouldn't do something instead of thinking of reasons why you should. Well you're going with me Saturday night…you're going because you owe me that. So you be ready at six because I'll be here to pick you up and don't you dare run out on me, because if you do…we're going to have the biggest fight we ever had."

Johanna scoffed, anger boiling within her. "Is that supposed to make me tremble with fear? Because I have to tell you; you're only tempting me to run out on you as you put it…and don't you dare open your mouth and make some smart ass remark about the past because if you do, so help me God, I'm going to slap you right in your mouth for it. I don't know who you think you are lately, but let me tell you something, little girl; you don't own me! You don't tell me what to do, where to go, what to wear or how to do anything! You think you've got all the answers; well honey, you don't have half the experience I have under my belt, so you better back the hell up and reevaluate who you're dealing with."

"I know exactly who I'm dealing with," Kate said through clenched teeth.

"Then you better back off," Johanna told her; "And if you ever have Martha ring my phone again to lecture me on your behalf about a stupid dress, I'm going to be all over you like a monkey on a cupcake, do you got that? You don't stick someone else's mother in our business. If you got a problem with me, you take it up with me and me alone, you don't have your little flunky call me to take up your battle."

"Fine," she retorted; "And when I do ring your damn phone, answer it and take it like the grown woman you claim to be."

Johanna gave a short laugh. "I don't have to claim it, I am one…if you were one, you'd learn how to pick your battles."

Kate smirked at her. "Fine, Mother; wear your red dress and be happy…but make sure it's on and ready to go Saturday night because I am coming to get you, you are going with me…you owe me that much."

"Fine, Katie," she said, moving closer until she was inches from her daughter's face. "I'll go…but once that coach turns into a pumpkin at the end of the night, my debt to you is paid, so you make sure you get your money's worth and enjoy it."

"Fine; be ready on time…I know you struggle with that but I'm not going to have Castle be late to his own party do to your primping."

Johanna's eyes narrowed. "Oh I'll be ready on time; don't you worry. Now it's time for you to go back to work."

"I didn't tell you when my break is over," her daughter replied. "Maybe I'm not ready to go."

"Why would you want to stay here with the woman who disgusts you so much?" Johanna asked. "I mean hanging around with a coward has to be bad for your image, doesn't it? Of course it probably hurts your ego a little to know you came from her womb."

Kate sighed and tried to get a hold of her temper. "You don't disgust me."

"You know what, Katie; at the moment, I don't really care if I do. I figure I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't anyway so what's the difference?"

"You don't disgust me," she repeated; "You frustrate me…and I'm not ashamed to have come from your womb; although I don't want to think about how I ended up in there in the first place nor how I got out."

"You got out the usual way…although I had no drugs to ease the pain; and believe me, it was a lot of pain to bring you into the world just so could call me names thirty-two years later."

"I'm sorry; but sometimes it's the only way to get you to do something," Kate remarked.

"So that makes it okay?" Johanna asked.

"I didn't say that…but sometimes you don't give me a choice. I don't like when we fight but goddamn it, Mom; you make it so everything has to be one."

"No; it becomes one because you think you still have the right to tell me what to do…and you don't. Once an arrest was made and I was back in my own home; you no longer had the right to tell me what to do. You got to call the shots all summer and that was fine, because that's the way it had to be…but it's over now and I call my own shots. You're not the boss of me. I'm not a child. I'm not some old woman who's losing her sense of reason. I'm a woman of sound mind and body; a person perfectly capable of making her own decisions."

"I'm aware of that, Mother."

"Try acting like it sometime," Johanna replied. "I know you don't think so; but I try really hard not to lose total control of my temper with you, Katie; because I know when the day comes that I can't hold it back anymore…I'm not going to see you for awhile because you're going to be royally pissed at me…so I try…and I wish you would try. I wish you would be the smart girl I know you are and that you would look at the things I've said about this outing of yours…and what I've said before about how it looks coming on the heels of your statement and the shopping outing. I know you seem to think that Rick and Martha know what to do but they're not experts anymore than we are; just because they've had media attention doesn't mean they know everything…I know you're in love, you're in a haze, you think everything he says is golden, but honey, pull your head out and breathe some air and get your head together and just think, okay?"

Kate's jaw tensed. "I already thought about it…I'll see you at six on Saturday."

"Fine…but can we at least arrive on our own instead of going with Rick? It'll be better for the two of you."

"No!" she exclaimed. "We're all going together; it's going to be fine; quit trying to get in my head with that line of thinking. Just do what I ask, okay? Can you just do that?"

Johanna's eyes closed. "I may as well talk to a damn wall. I'll be ready on time, Katie; now please, go back to work so we don't have to have this argument for the second time today."

"For someone who wants to see me all the time, you sure do tell me to leave lately," her daughter remarked as she pulled out a chair and sat down at the table.

"I do like to see you…it just somehow turns out wrong more often than not," Johanna replied as she sat down as well. "It's not something I enjoy…I would prefer happy visits."

"The way you were acting on the phone last night; I thought you'd have plenty of euphoria left over today," Kate remarked.

"I do; it's just not for you," her mother replied.

"Saving it all for Dad?"

"Well, he did earn it," she quipped, a coy smile tugging at her lips.

Kate cringed. "I don't want to hear this…consider joining a book club."

"That's not nearly as much fun," Johanna stated; "And I doubt I'd get roses the next day."

Her daughter sighed. "So how often will you be running off to New Jersey?"

"As often as it pleases us to do so," she replied; "Why?"

"Just making conversation…what time will Dad be home from work?"

"He's working from home today; he's in the office."

"He heard the raised voices and didn't come out to greet me like a loving father would?" Kate asked.

"Oh I'm sure he's lingering just out of sight."

"Why is that?"

"Because he's letting me stand on my own two feet," Johanna replied.

"That seems to be a sudden change of pace; why now?"

"Because he knows I can…he has faith in me; you might not have any, but he does."

"I never said that I don't have faith in you."

"You don't have to; you make it clear."

"Mom," she sighed; "You read way too much into things, you know?"

"On the contrary, I'm not sure how to read things between us lately," Johanna remarked. "Sometimes I think we're alright and other times I think we're headed down a road that I don't want to be on…and sometimes I just don't know."

"Don't know what?"

"Where we stand," she replied. "I think we were closer when I was staying with you than we are now…but you didn't have much choice then. Now you can choose when to deal with me…now you can force restrictions that maybe you felt like you couldn't when I was under your roof."

"That's not true," Kate retorted; "I just can't be at your beck and call all the time."

"I didn't ask you to be at my beck and call…I was just trying to have an honest conversation with you," Johanna stated; her tone remaining neutral and void of anger. "I just want things to be better, Katie. I don't want to always feel like I'm standing on the sidelines. I'm your mother and I want to be the mother I always was."

"I'm not a kid anymore, Mom."

"I know that; but that doesn't mean I stop being your mother. I had a mother, I know how it works. I just want to keep my place, Katie; that's all."

"Is this about Martha again?" her daughter asked; "Because I already told you that your jealousy of her is asinine."

Johanna closed her eyes in frustration. "No; it wasn't about Martha; it was about you and I…but since you brought it up; I think I have a right to feel like you're letting her take over. I mean you even discuss plans that involve me with her while letting me out of the loop on her advice…so I'm sorry, but that does piss me off a little. You get mad that I react badly to things, well do you ever stop and think that maybe I react the way I do because of how you go about things?"

"You don't give me a choice!"

"You always have a choice, Katie."

"Is that right?" she asked; "Then thirteen years ago, you had the choice to tell us what the hell was going on in your life and that you'd be leaving us, right?"

Johanna swallowed. "That's not the same thing and you know it."

"I don't know that at all…maybe you could've gone about things differently; maybe then I wouldn't have had a bad reaction to your return," Kate stated. "Come on, Mom; if you're going to preach it, you should live by it."

"Fine, Katie; I could've disobeyed orders and told you everything," Johanna remarked as she met her daughter's gaze. "I could've told you everything and then left and maybe someone would've found out that I told you…and maybe they would've killed you because you knew…I didn't want to take that chance. Your life meant more to me than my own. So don't you sit there and say I'm holding you to higher standards when nothing you've had to do has come close to some agent looking you in the face and telling you that you're a danger to your child and your spouse; that someone wants you dead and won't hesitate to kill anyone else who knows something they shouldn't. Until you walk in my shoes, don't you dare act like I had any other choice but the one I made. I made my choice out of love and fear for my family…you make your choices based on your needs for yourself and when someone doesn't want to do something exactly your way, you get pissed off and want to act like everyone but yourself is wrong. Well guess what, Katie; sometimes you are wrong…sometimes you're just as wrong as your mother…sometimes you have to realize that you can't control everything. So you sit there and judge me all you want. You sit there and tell yourself that nothing I ever say has any merit for the simple fact that I'm your mother and I once made a mistake…that you had to take off your rose colored glasses and see me as a mere woman who lost control of things. You can even sit there and back track, take away all the progress we made over the summer…and I'll still love just as much as I always have…I'll still fight for the right to be in your life until you find a way to shove me away for good…and even then I'll still love you."

"I haven't been pushing you away. I would be more than happy to have the relationship we used to have…but you don't make it easy, Mom. You don't make anything easy. You make a case out of everything; you have to dissect it, take a side, present a defense…well I'm not your courtroom and I get sick of arguing with you."

"Arguing with you isn't on my top ten list either," Johanna retorted. "I keep trying to have honest conversations with you where we can get things worked out so we don't have to argue; so we don't have to feel like we're always pushing and shoving but you don't want to meet me half way."

"We would be fine if you'd just do what I ask of you," Kate replied.

"You mean be at your beck and call?" she asked; throwing the words back in her daughter's face.

"You know what; I'm going back to work. I'm not doing this today."

"What day would be convenient?" Johanna asked; "I'll pencil you in."

Kate got up from her chair. "I'll see you Saturday, be on time, keep the idea of changing your dress color in mind and try not to act like you're in a hostage situation."

"Do you want me to call and have the color of my underwear approved too?" her mother asked.

"No, I'll let Dad approve your underwear…knowing the two of you, you let him pick them out for you."

"Only on very special occasions; other than that I like to keep him guessing so he'll be surprised."

"I'm going to make a note not to talk to you when you still have morning after euphoria lingering into the afternoon," her daughter replied. "New Jersey must've done wonders for you."

"It did; I wish I was still there."

"I kind of wish you were too," Kate sighed. "Come on out of your hiding place, Dad; I'm leaving."

The door leading to the dining room opened and Jim stepped into the kitchen, rounding the counter and crossing the room to the table. "You were in the dining room?" Johanna asked. "I thought you were hiding in the hallway."

Jim smiled. "I like to surprise you," he said with a wink.

She laughed, her hand slipping into his. "You always do…and it's never one of those kind of surprises that we discussed yesterday."

He laughed, knowing that she was referring to how he had named bad surprises a Katie. "I do my best to avoid those kind."

Kate eyed them. "I'm not sure where this is heading but I don't like it…I see lights blinking in my head and they spell out 'run away'."

"It's too bad they didn't spell that out sooner," Jim remarked as he eyed his daughter, knowing she'd catch his drift.

"I didn't come to fight with her; I just wanted to discuss her message…and we did; we don't agree but she's going anyway."

"You really should think about some of the things she said, Katie," her father stated. "You want to ignore very good points that have nothing to do with her specifically because you're so determined to show her that you're right and you're only going to end up spiting yourself in the end. I know how you hate to hear her say I told you so…why don't you think about some of the things she mentioned…the ones about you and the risk you're taking with your partnership. She wasn't saying those things to get you off her back or to turn your focus away from her attendance…she wants you to think about what you're doing so you don't end up losing something important to you for something that isn't worth that loss."

"I know what I'm doing, Dad," Kate replied. "You're just trying to take up her cause like always."

"You mean like Martha took up yours and called here to lecture your mother?" Jim asked.

Kate rubbed her fingers across her forehead. "Okay, I'm sorry I had Martha call, okay? But we're still going, everything will be fine. I know what I'm doing."

"Alright, live and learn, sweetheart," Johanna replied. "Be careful getting back to work."

Her brow rose. "You're dropping it just like that?"

"Yeah," she said with a nod; "I am…because you know what; I was happy yesterday and last night and this morning…and I want to hold on to the feeling for awhile longer. I have some things to do around the house and your father has some work to do and we're spending time together while we do those things and that's enough for me today. I'm going to fold this hand, Katie; you win…don't get used to it, I'm not always going to concede easily; but for today I'm just going to have some peace…because I might not have any come the weekend so I better soak it up while I can."

"Fine," Kate replied as she leaned down to kiss her cheek. "I'll talk to you later."

"Only if you have better topics in mind," Johanna stated.

Kate rolled her eyes and kissed her father's cheek. "She's all yours."

"Good, that's how I like it," Jim replied; "Drive safely."

"Do you need a snack to take with you since you didn't eat lunch?" her mother asked.

"No; I've got your last brownie in a container locked in my desk drawer," Kate replied. "That's my lunch."

"Speaking of that; I want my container back."

"Yeah; I'll put it on the list with your boots," her daughter replied. "See you later."

"Bye, Katie; I love you," Johanna said as she crossed the room to the door.

"Then rethink your dress."

"Get out of my house; I'm tired of hearing it."

Kate smiled as she glanced over her shoulder. "Love you too."

"Sure you do," Johanna muttered as the door closed behind her daughter.

"You okay?" Jim asked as he met his wife's eye.

"Yeah," she said with a nod. "I'm okay…I don't want to dwell on it."

"Good, you shouldn't; you made your case…it's not your fault if she doesn't want to take the things you mentioned into consideration."

"I know…I just can't help wondering if it means I've lost my touch at being a lawyer."

Jim smiled, his knuckles brushing against her cheek. "No; you haven't lost your touch…you can only work with the material you're given; and some juries are tougher to convince than others."

"That's true," she said with a small smile; "But is it wrong that I sometimes try to present things as I would as a lawyer when dealing with our daughter?"

"I don't really think so," Jim replied; "I understand why you take that tactic at times; you can correct me if I'm wrong, but I think maybe you think she'll come around to a certain point if you present it in a somewhat distant manner than in your full blown mom manner….do you know what I mean?"

"Yeah…and you're right; and sometimes it easier for me to keep composure if I lean toward the lawyer side."

"If that's what you need to do sometimes; then I don't see any harm in it," her husband told her. "Sometimes you have to do what's best for you, Jo…even if it doesn't always turn out the way you hoped. I know you don't like fighting with Katie; but you can't let her walk on you either."

"I know," she said softly; "It's just hard sometimes…I know it wouldn't take much for her to cast me off completely but I get so tired of the way things are and how she thinks she can dictate what I do and where I go."

"Then start fighting back," Jim told her. "Don't go to that damn party, she can't force you."

"Not physically; but she drew the 'You owe me' card and you know that's hard for me to fight against."

"I know; I just hate to see you do something that you don't really want to do."

"Yeah; I hate it too," Johanna replied; "But this time I feel like I don't have much choice…I just hope she'll back off for the next few days or I'm not going to be in the best of moods when that damn party rolls around.

Jim gave her shoulder a soft squeeze of support while thinking to himself that it wasn't likely that their daughter would back off; she was already wound too tightly about the whole thing to take a step back and let things settle before the weekend.

 _A/N: The book party is in the next chapter._


End file.
